hey, thanks for coming down to meet my sister, man. I had dinner with her and my dad last night,
it was the first family dinner I had ever been to where we didn't have to sneak out of the restaurant one at a time.
Man, hyde, first a new dad, now a new sister--
it's like you hit the orphan lottery.
Look, your dad's got a whole jar of peppermint patties.
That's class, baby.
That's nothing, you guys. I found 20 bucks just sitting on the desk,
and I kind of wanna steal it.
Wow, I'm really starting to see the underbelly of not having a job.
Check it out, hyde-- your dad knows Skynyrd.
I heard when you first meet them, if you just yell "free bird" really loud, they'll start playing it.
Ah, angie, meet your new brother's friends--
they're scruffy, but they don't seem to be dangerous.
Hey, guys, check it out-
family 'fro.
I know what you're thinking.
What are the odds that steven would have a previously unknown black half-sister?
Well, I'll tell you-- 2,437 to 1.
I'm a math major.
A math major? Awesome. I need some help building a homemade rocket,
and we also need a hamster that's not afraid of heights or being blown up.
- You must be kelso. - Yeah, I am.
Boy, am I glad you showed up. It's a lot of pressure being the only good-looking one in the room.
Michael, that is so rude.
You know there's two of us.
And that makes you Jackie.
That's right. Hi.
Okay, so let me bring you up to speed on the group.
Too skinny, too tall, too horny, too foreign, too-riffic.
Look at this-- my two kids together and getting along.
That's it, 20 bucks for everybody.
It's okay. I already got mine.
I took it off your desk.
I'm at a really weird place in my life.
Hey, man.
Hey, I brought everyone cupcakes.
- Cool! - Cupcakes!
Here's a special one for you-- vanilla on the outside and chocolate on the inside.
what are you doing? You knew I was gonna take that one.
Oh, well, too late.
You're always doing that.
That is the reason why we broke up.
We broke up because you were always cheating on me.
That and the cupcake thing.
So this is where you hang out, huh?
Do the people who own this place know we're down here?
Yeah, they kind of adopted me.
You don't know this about me, but I've had, like, 13 dads.
You know, I don't know so much about you.
I mean, like, what kind of stuff did you do growing up?
Did you play sports?
Well, I used to play this one game called stoop.
What you do is you sit on a stoop
and you chuck things at passersby.
I was a pro.
I was a passerby.
Did you know that I am a shampoo boy down at the beauty salon?
Yes,
ladies come from miles around to be touched by these magic hands.
Is that why they're all dry and chapped?
No.
That's from my day off.
So, angie, are you excited about your first day at work at dad's office tomorrow?
Yeah, but I'm a little nervous. I mean, it's my first job out of college.
Oh, believe me, this is the easiest job I've ever had.
Wait. What about the time you got paid 2 bucks to eat everything out of forman's fridge and then you threw it up all over the place?
That was you.
Oh, yeah.
That was awesome.
So it's cool if we slack off at work.
Look, any time I even think about work, I remember one thing--
I'm the boss's son,
then I head down to the nearest bar to chug beer and play darts.
Ah, beer and darts-- keeping the eye patch industry alive since the 1800s.
Kitty,
you told me we were going to the hardware store.
And you told me I'd have a fur coat by winter. People say a lot of things.
But this is no place for a man.
But it's 25 ladies and me. I think I like my chances.
Kitty, I gotta get out of here.
One of these ladies is likely to come over here and try to talk me into a toupee.
Okay, Fez...
give me the gossip.
Is that glitter in your hair?
Are you making me a piŅata?
No. I was working on a new outfit for eric to wear at the roller disco.
Roller disco? Eric is into roller disco?
Uh-oh.
I'm sorry. We're gonna have to reschedule 'cause I have to go spread this embarrassing news.
You can't tell anyone. I promised eric I'd keep it a secret.
Besides, you used to roller disco with jackie.
Sure, when I was a child,
but I'm a man now.
I moved on to robot dancing.
Hey, you wanted to see me?
Have a seat, steven.
It's come to my attention you've been sneaking off from work to go play darts.
Well, in my defense, it's just something to do to pass the time while I'm drinking beer.
Yes, Angie mentioned that, too.
What?
You ratted me out on my midday dart-and-booze?
What? No, I just thought it was a funny story.
Steven, I'm so sorry. Daddy, please don't fire him.
I'm not gonna fire him.
You're not? I mean...
you're not-- excellent choice.
S teven,
you may be the boss' son, but you still have to show up and do some work.
Come on, man, even you said yourself it was fine if I slack off every now and then.
Look, I want you to succeed here, Steven, so no more darts.
Fine.
Oh, but can I start succeeding next week?
See, there's a tournament tomorrow. I'm already signed up and everything.
There's my little roller disco king.
Mom !
Look, at any given moment, there at least three kids in this house who would use that information to destroy me.
We have to keep it our secret.
Well,
I was just reading the bible,
and it says that keeping secrets is a sin.
It goes lust, gluttony, sloth, keeping secrets.
Mom, we don't even have a bible.
Remember last christmas you spilled peppermint schnapps all over it?
Honey, just share your secret.
People are gonna find out eventually because
that is a surprisingly difficult thing to keep secret.
Okay, I don't know if you know this about me,
but I already take quite a bit of crap just walking around being regular me, so,
No, I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Do you want me to tell them?
- No. - Yes?
No.
I'll think about it, okay?
Maybe there's a way I can kind of feel everybody out.
Good.
and by the way,
I did not spill peppermints chnapps on the bible.
It was sambuca. I am not trailer trash.
I know something you don't know.
Fez, you know a lot of things I don't know,
mostly because they're disgusting and I don't wanna know them.
True,
but this is about eric.
What do you think he's doing every wednesday night when he's not with you?
He's taking an at-home spanish course.
He doesn't wanna be disturbed, so he locks himself in his room.
You know, I think he's self-conscious because he can't roll his "R"s.
Oh, believe me, donna,
he is rolling his ass off.
Okay, fez, what's going on?
Is there another woman?
Yes...
and it's eric.
Angie totally set me up, man.
I should have seen this coming when I found out she was a math major.
Those girls are always bitches.
You know what your problem is, hyde?
I'm too good-looking.
Who does angie think she is, anyway?
She can't just walk in here and pull your strings like you're some kind of puppet.
That's my job.
Hey, guys, just to jump off topic here for a sec,
when you're dancing to say,like,
Donna Summer, whoever,
do you ever wish that you were on wheels?
Forman,
so many parts of what you just said make me wanna kick your ass.
Eric,
you know what your problem is?
I'm too good-looking.
Okay, it's wednesday night, so you guys know what that means-- off to my room for a little espaŅol,
or should I say off to my room-o?
You got a lot of nerve showing up here.
All right, back off, hyde.
She's here for me.
Hey, mama.
Hey, so what the hell was that all about today?
Look,
my dad said that if I did well in college, some day the business would be mine,
and I did my part,
so there's no way I'm gonna share everything with some frizzy-haired kid fresh out of juvie.
Okay, I'm working at that company because our dad wants me there,
and don't insult me with that juvie crap.
I'm over 18. If I get pinched, I'm doing big boy time.
Running this company is my dream, so if you don't quit tomorrow,
it's gonna be war.
He's your friend. Talk some sense into him.
If you wanted my help, you should have brought more cupcakes.
Fez, come on. Just tell us what eric's up to.
Donna, if I learned anything from all my years as a virgin,
it's that seeing it is much better than talking about it.
what the hell was that?
That, donna,
that's what's left of your boyfriend.
So, steven, what are you gonna do about angie?
How are you gonna fight back?
I don't know that I am.
I mean, you're asking me to fight for a job.
That's a tough sell.
But this is my company at stake.
Jackie, would you stop saying that everything that's mine is yours?
Okay, steven, last valentine's day I gave you a card that said "be mine," and you said yes.
And by saying yes,
you agreed that everything you had, have or will have from now until the end of time is mine as well.
Read the fine print, steven.
This whole work thing is a mess. I miss my glory days of being an orphan.
A little piece of advice about having a family--
get used to being screwed over.
Well, that's a very cynical view of family.
Oh, yeah,
and you and your sister get along so well.
Oh, I talked to a lawyer. She's not getting a damn thing.
Red, we have something to tell you.
It's pretty shocking.
I'm not sure how to break it to you.
Okay, you'd better let me handle this.
All right,
Everybody whose son
is not a roller disco-er, take one step forward. Not so fast, red.
Someone's been working on their spin, susie.
Nice, very nice.
It's magic time.
Hey, everybody, let's give a great bigroller palace welcome to the one,
the only rainbow!
nice shorts, rainbow.
Hey,
did you come up to pack up your office?
Listen, sis, about the whole job thing,
I thought about going head-to-head with you, but I decided I just can't stoop to your level.
Well, good.
But she can.
Right now she's telling everybody we work with
that you stripped your way through college.
Please, like anybody's gonna believe her.
My dad's rich.
Oh, no, no, no. You didn't strip because you needed the money.
Word around the water cooler is
you stripped because you liked it.
Yeah, I know, I know. What a whore.
Stop laughing at me.
I am not a stripper. I am a math major.
Jackie,
if there was ever a game show called "make that girl cry,"
I'd go on with you.
Oh, we'd so win the car.
all right, everybody clear some space.
It's rainbow!
Now look, eric, they love you,
so it's a good thing I told fez.
I didn't tell you I told fez.
I didn't tell fez.
Eric, how did this happen?
I mean, you don't just wake up one morning, throw on some skates, and start doing cartwheels to sister sledge.
It all started when I went down to the sporting goods store.
I saw this pair of roller skates, and when I tried them on,
well, it was like the first time Joe Namath laid his hands on a bat.
The next thing I can remember is spinning,
just spinning and spinning and spinning.
When I finally stopped, I found myself at the park.
That's where I met up with these people.
Wait, those skate freaks that hang out down by the basketball court?
Every time we wanna shoot hoops, we gotta scare them off with bottle rockets.
Kelso, they're not freaks. They're just like you and me,
but on wheels.
Eric,
let me tell you a little story.
When I was a boy, there was a kid who wanted to be a ballet dancer,
and all the other kids made fun of him.
But years later when he came back to town, he had achieved his dream--
he was a dancer
with the New York City Ballet.
And you know what happened?
You learned your little lesson about judging people unfairly, huh?
No, a bunch of guys got together and beat the crap out of him.
Hey, red,
you know what your problem is?
I'm too good-looking.
Okay, dad, I hear what you're saying,
but I honestly don't know if I can give it up.
Why don't you try something else?
I suggest robot dancing.
feel the beat. Disco robot.
Daddy,
I can't work with him. He's telling lies about me.
Actually, that's not true.
She's telling them.
Steven, why is that girl always in the office?
And why has she been passing out dress code memos to my employees?
Hum... Well,
she's against the casualization of the workplace.
She doesn't belong here, and neither does he.
I can't believe what I'm seeing--
a brother and sister fighting each other.
Hey, we are a family.
Look, if you want him to stay, that's fine. But if he stays, I'm out of here.
Well, that's too bad, because I'm opening up a new record store and I wanted the two of you to run it,
but maybe I'll just let Steven run it by himself.
Hell yeah!
Nice going, sis.
No. You know I've always wanted my own store.
Well, if you two can't find a way to work this out--
We can. I know we can. He's my brother.
I tried to get him fired, he calls me a stripper-- this is how we play.
Well, I'm glad, because if this kept going,
I would have had to send the two of you to your offices without any dinner.
That's a bad joke. I love it.
So
looks like you're gonna have to put up with me after all.
Hey, I said I'd work with you. It doesn't mean I like you.
You not liking me doesn't bother me that much now that I won.
And by "I won,"
I mean you lost.
Oh, and also...
you know, here I'm just an average kid,
but down there...
down there I was a star.
what?
Oh, did I make the kissy face too early again?
No, no, it's nothing.
What?
Why do you keep laughing at me?
I'm gonna go home
and I'm gonna watch a really sad movie and I'm gonna try to come back later.