1
00:00:03,631 --> 00:00:04,923
It's been, like, an hour

2
00:00:04,965 --> 00:00:07,176
and my dad is still upstairs
talking to your folks.

3
00:00:07,217 --> 00:00:09,345
Our pregnancy scare must have
really freaked them out.

4
00:00:09,386 --> 00:00:10,863
Yeah, well,
that's because "pregnancy"

5
00:00:10,887 --> 00:00:14,017
is one of the scariest words
in the English language.

6
00:00:14,058 --> 00:00:16,686
Right after
"monster" and "broccoli."

7
00:00:17,770 --> 00:00:19,606
Well, I'm not pregnant.

8
00:00:19,648 --> 00:00:23,151
Everything's fine, so I'm sure
our parents will calm down soon.

9
00:00:24,944 --> 00:00:26,904
Hey, fornicators, upstairs!

10
00:00:30,158 --> 00:00:32,577
Oh, God, we're dead.
You know what?

11
00:00:32,619 --> 00:00:36,081
None of this would have happened if
you hadn't insisted on sleeping with me.

12
00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:37,583
I insisted?

13
00:00:37,625 --> 00:00:39,335
You wouldn't give
me my wallet back.

14
00:00:40,503 --> 00:00:42,087
Look, we're in this together.

15
00:00:42,129 --> 00:00:43,297
You were there, too.

16
00:00:45,341 --> 00:00:46,716
Or was I?

17
00:00:48,427 --> 00:00:51,389
The Jedi mind trick
doesn't work in real life, dink.

18
00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:54,559
Or does it?

19
00:00:56,519 --> 00:00:59,648
Oh, hey, what's shaking, gang?

20
00:01:01,608 --> 00:01:04,570
Certainly not Donna's belly
from being pregnant, right?

21
00:01:06,154 --> 00:01:07,780
You're not funny,
you're a sinner.

22
00:01:09,157 --> 00:01:10,534
Now, sit.

23
00:01:14,829 --> 00:01:18,208
We have decided that you two
need premarital counseling at church.

24
00:01:20,586 --> 00:01:24,591
Premarital?
Counseling? Church?

25
00:01:24,632 --> 00:01:27,093
Why am I talking
like a Speak & Spell?

26
00:01:29,053 --> 00:01:30,888
Dad, you think
this is a good idea?

27
00:01:30,930 --> 00:01:33,765
No. I suggested
we get him fixed like a dog.

28
00:01:35,851 --> 00:01:38,396
Counseling can be
extremely beneficial.

29
00:01:38,438 --> 00:01:41,315
I knew two boys who were
about to marry their sweethearts.

30
00:01:41,357 --> 00:01:43,526
One boy went to counseling
and one didn't.

31
00:01:43,568 --> 00:01:45,777
And the one who didn't go
to counseling died.

32
00:01:48,449 --> 00:01:50,701
I'll tell you, if Midge
and I had counseling,

33
00:01:50,743 --> 00:01:52,536
it might have
saved our marriage.

34
00:01:52,578 --> 00:01:55,372
Of course, not sleeping with
degenerates from the pool hall

35
00:01:55,414 --> 00:01:58,208
would have helped, too.

36
00:01:58,250 --> 00:02:00,127
So, you want us to
go to counseling?

37
00:02:00,168 --> 00:02:03,004
Mom, where do you even come up
with this stuff?

38
00:02:03,046 --> 00:02:04,256
It wasn't my idea.

39
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:06,800
Steven was thoughtful enough
to suggest it.

40
00:02:09,344 --> 00:02:10,472
You're welcome.

41
00:02:15,310 --> 00:02:16,852
<i>♪ Hanging out</i>

42
00:02:19,147 --> 00:02:20,774
<i>♪ Down the street</i>

43
00:02:22,484 --> 00:02:24,360
<i>♪ The same old thing</i>

44
00:02:26,237 --> 00:02:27,863
<i>♪ We did last week</i>

45
00:02:29,491 --> 00:02:32,786
<i>♪ Not a thing to do</i>

46
00:02:33,537 --> 00:02:36,206
<i>♪ But talk to you</i>

47
00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:39,293
<i>♪ We're all all right</i>

48
00:02:39,335 --> 00:02:40,795
<i>♪ We're all all right ♪</i>

49
00:02:41,671 --> 00:02:43,714
<i>Hello, Wisconsin!</i>

50
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:54,933
Okay, you guys, this church
counseling idea is really crappy.

51
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,521
Would you listen to the
language on this kid?

52
00:02:57,562 --> 00:02:59,897
What he needs is church,
and lots of it.

53
00:03:01,983 --> 00:03:05,696
You know, Eric, you may not
think that you need counseling,

54
00:03:05,737 --> 00:03:06,904
but maybe Donna does.

55
00:03:07,863 --> 00:03:09,240
No, she doesn't.

56
00:03:11,075 --> 00:03:13,578
Well, actually, I think
counseling might help us

57
00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:15,556
work through some of our
issues before we get married.

58
00:03:15,580 --> 00:03:16,872
We don't have issues.

59
00:03:16,914 --> 00:03:18,500
- Yes, we do. Do.
- No, we don't. Don't.

60
00:03:18,542 --> 00:03:20,377
Okay, see?

61
00:03:20,418 --> 00:03:24,423
You don't do the "do, don't" if you
don't have issues, which you do.

62
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:27,134
Okay, Dad, how can you
think this is a good idea?

63
00:03:27,176 --> 00:03:29,886
You always say to take care
of family business at home.

64
00:03:29,928 --> 00:03:32,223
I am taking care
of business at home.

65
00:03:32,264 --> 00:03:34,350
Because if you
two don't do this,

66
00:03:34,392 --> 00:03:38,979
do you know what it's going to
be like living with your mother?

67
00:03:39,021 --> 00:03:41,816
Just more of
a delight every day, is what.

68
00:03:44,277 --> 00:03:47,072
Well, come on, Eric. We'll
learn stuff about each other.

69
00:03:47,113 --> 00:03:49,759
For instance, what if one day I
get a high-paying job in California?

70
00:03:49,783 --> 00:03:52,285
- Will you move?
- Whoa.

71
00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:55,581
Why can't I get
the high-paying job?

72
00:03:55,622 --> 00:03:59,376
Okay, what if you get a
high-paying job? Will I move?

73
00:03:59,418 --> 00:04:02,588
No, who am I kidding? I'm
not getting a high-paying job.

74
00:04:06,216 --> 00:04:07,593
All right, civilians.

75
00:04:09,804 --> 00:04:13,140
Hide your stashes. Officer-in-training
Kelso's back from the Academy.

76
00:04:15,309 --> 00:04:16,853
I've got to be honest, man.

77
00:04:16,895 --> 00:04:18,664
Every day you come home
with all your fingers,

78
00:04:18,688 --> 00:04:20,106
I die a little inside.

79
00:04:21,608 --> 00:04:24,193
Michael,
you got another D on a test?

80
00:04:24,235 --> 00:04:26,237
Is this your fourth D in a row?

81
00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:27,864
Yeah.

82
00:04:27,906 --> 00:04:29,908
It's just on
the penal code stuff.

83
00:04:29,949 --> 00:04:32,077
"Criminals have
a right to an attorney."

84
00:04:32,119 --> 00:04:34,538
"Criminals are innocent
until proven guilty."

85
00:04:34,580 --> 00:04:36,331
Just crazy liberal gibberish.

86
00:04:40,669 --> 00:04:42,546
What are you laughing at?

87
00:04:42,588 --> 00:04:44,131
He said "penal code."

88
00:04:46,675 --> 00:04:49,136
Fez, it doesn't mean that.

89
00:04:49,177 --> 00:04:51,764
It's from the word "penalty."
Penal.

90
00:04:55,184 --> 00:04:56,686
You're like a four-year-old.

91
00:04:56,728 --> 00:04:58,980
It's a legal term. "Penal."

92
00:05:01,733 --> 00:05:02,984
It's kind of funny.

93
00:05:04,903 --> 00:05:07,614
Hey, guys. Hey, Michael.

94
00:05:07,656 --> 00:05:08,990
How'd your penal code test go?

95
00:05:12,869 --> 00:05:14,788
I did great. I got another B.

96
00:05:14,830 --> 00:05:16,247
Oh, that's your
fourth B in a row.

97
00:05:16,289 --> 00:05:17,791
Yeah.

98
00:05:17,833 --> 00:05:19,961
I'm so proud of you.
Can I see it?

99
00:05:20,294 --> 00:05:22,505
Uh...

100
00:05:22,546 --> 00:05:26,383
You could, but I didn't
write anything down

101
00:05:26,425 --> 00:05:28,803
because the test was oral.

102
00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:30,513
Oral test on the penal code!

103
00:05:36,727 --> 00:05:39,020
So, are you free this afternoon?

104
00:05:39,062 --> 00:05:40,898
I thought maybe we
could do something.

105
00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:42,860
How about go-carting?

106
00:05:44,110 --> 00:05:45,737
How about putting
together a crib?

107
00:05:45,779 --> 00:05:47,489
Does the crib have wheels?

108
00:05:49,115 --> 00:05:50,742
- Yeah.
- Then I'm in.

109
00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:54,663
Great. I'll meet you outside.

110
00:05:54,705 --> 00:05:56,331
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

111
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:02,629
Hey, Michael, how come
you told Library Barbie

112
00:06:02,671 --> 00:06:05,007
you got Bs instead of Ds?

113
00:06:05,047 --> 00:06:07,343
Look, some people bring flowers.

114
00:06:07,385 --> 00:06:08,761
Some people buy chocolates.

115
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:10,889
I lie about my intelligence.

116
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,393
But it's not working.

117
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:18,604
She's locked up the old
funhouse, if you know what I mean.

118
00:06:23,066 --> 00:06:26,237
Michael, no way.
She's totally into you.

119
00:06:26,278 --> 00:06:29,198
She changed from clear
lip gloss to pink shimmer.

120
00:06:31,702 --> 00:06:35,288
What more does she need to do,
shout "I love you" from the rooftops?

121
00:06:35,330 --> 00:06:38,291
Well, she could give me something
besides a kiss on the cheek.

122
00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:40,084
It's like kissing your cousin.

123
00:06:41,378 --> 00:06:43,047
Oh, the cousin kiss.

124
00:06:46,050 --> 00:06:48,176
The sexiest of
all relative kisses.

125
00:06:49,803 --> 00:06:51,972
Right above big-breasted aunt

126
00:06:53,223 --> 00:06:54,350
and sleepy grandma.

127
00:06:56,728 --> 00:06:59,564
Did you just say,
"sleepy grandma"?

128
00:06:59,606 --> 00:07:01,190
You telling me you
kiss your grandma?

129
00:07:01,232 --> 00:07:03,108
Not my grandma, a grandma.

130
00:07:04,569 --> 00:07:05,779
Sick bastard.

131
00:07:10,324 --> 00:07:13,745
I've got to say, I'm excited
about marriage counseling.

132
00:07:13,787 --> 00:07:17,499
I'm looking forward to hearing from a third
party that I'm right about everything.

133
00:07:17,541 --> 00:07:20,002
Oh, and I want my marriage
to Eric to be magical.

134
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,838
I know how you could do that.

135
00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:25,132
Marry someone besides Eric.

136
00:07:27,051 --> 00:07:29,095
Hey, I'll see you guys later.

137
00:07:29,136 --> 00:07:31,138
I got someplace I
really need to be.

138
00:07:33,891 --> 00:07:36,060
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

139
00:07:36,102 --> 00:07:38,687
Had someplace I
really needed to be.

140
00:07:38,729 --> 00:07:40,439
Okay, so get this.

141
00:07:40,481 --> 00:07:42,776
I don't want counseling,
Donna does.

142
00:07:42,818 --> 00:07:44,611
So we're going.

143
00:07:44,653 --> 00:07:46,923
I'll tell you, ever since we got
engaged, she's been treating me like

144
00:07:46,947 --> 00:07:48,657
some kind of child.

145
00:07:49,616 --> 00:07:51,367
Oh, where's my toy surprise?

146
00:07:54,871 --> 00:07:56,957
Kelso,
watch it with that gun, man.

147
00:07:56,999 --> 00:08:00,376
Oh, relax, Eric. It's not
a gun, it's a flare gun.

148
00:08:00,418 --> 00:08:02,211
Yeah, tomorrow's Flare Day
at the Academy,

149
00:08:02,253 --> 00:08:03,839
so we're learning
how to use these.

150
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:08,636
Besides, they're totally safe.
All they do is shoot balls of fire.

151
00:08:08,678 --> 00:08:11,555
Kelso, I don't think you should
be playing with fire when we're all...

152
00:08:12,849 --> 00:08:15,559
Never mind.

153
00:08:15,601 --> 00:08:18,688
Man, I've got to stop
hitting two circles in one day.

154
00:08:18,729 --> 00:08:22,191
I could swear I just saw a ball
of fire shoot through this room.

155
00:08:22,733 --> 00:08:24,027
Zowie!

156
00:08:28,115 --> 00:08:30,784
Okay, so what brings
you to counseling?

157
00:08:30,826 --> 00:08:34,204
A firm tug on the old ball and
chain, if you know what I mean.

158
00:08:36,081 --> 00:08:38,750
What Eric is trying to say is

159
00:08:38,792 --> 00:08:41,712
we wanted to talk to someone
about the pitfalls of marriage.

160
00:08:41,753 --> 00:08:44,882
And we have some little issues.

161
00:08:44,923 --> 00:08:49,219
For example, Eric sometimes likes
to talk too much about <i>Star Wars.</i>

162
00:08:51,681 --> 00:08:52,849
I understand.

163
00:08:52,891 --> 00:08:54,142
You do?

164
00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:56,728
See, this is great.

165
00:08:56,769 --> 00:08:59,856
Yeah, <i>Star Wars</i> is the
greatest movie of all time.

166
00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:04,777
It's hard not to
talk about <i>Star Wars.</i>

167
00:09:04,819 --> 00:09:07,238
Wow! This is great!

168
00:09:08,990 --> 00:09:10,491
Oh. Oh, no.

169
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:14,037
I can't believe
you've seen <i>Star Wars!</i>

170
00:09:14,079 --> 00:09:16,248
Well, I like to stay
current with pop culture

171
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,876
so that I can connect
with the youth I counsel.

172
00:09:19,710 --> 00:09:21,628
Say, how about that disco?

173
00:09:23,881 --> 00:09:25,799
Disco kind of blows.

174
00:09:25,841 --> 00:09:27,342
I agree.

175
00:09:27,384 --> 00:09:30,262
Blow on, disco. Blow on.

176
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:36,685
Can we get back to
me and Eric, please?

177
00:09:36,727 --> 00:09:41,608
Because sometimes I feel like
we're racing toward this wedding,

178
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:44,027
and we're not even enjoying it
as much as we could be.

179
00:09:44,069 --> 00:09:45,695
Hmm, I see.

180
00:09:46,571 --> 00:09:47,948
Like in <i>Star Wars,</i>

181
00:09:49,783 --> 00:09:52,744
when Luke,
much like the two of you,

182
00:09:52,786 --> 00:09:54,996
wasn't the pilot
of his own future.

183
00:09:55,038 --> 00:09:56,664
But he was a great pilot.

184
00:09:56,706 --> 00:10:00,001
- He used to
bull's-eye womp rats...
In his T-16 back home!

185
00:10:03,047 --> 00:10:04,506
I should be marrying you.

186
00:10:07,051 --> 00:10:10,304
I thought this was a counseling
session, not a dork-off.

187
00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:14,642
I'm sorry, Donna.

188
00:10:14,683 --> 00:10:19,521
Okay, look, instead of talking about
what worries you about marriage,

189
00:10:19,563 --> 00:10:21,483
let's talk about what
excites you about marriage.

190
00:10:21,983 --> 00:10:25,444
Oh. Okay, well...

191
00:10:32,828 --> 00:10:35,622
Hmm. That's weird. I can't
really think of anything.

192
00:10:37,291 --> 00:10:39,126
You can't think of anything?

193
00:10:39,168 --> 00:10:41,253
Well, hang on.
Give me a second.

194
00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:47,009
Nope. Nothing.

195
00:10:47,050 --> 00:10:50,763
Well, one thing young newlyweds
usually get excited about,

196
00:10:50,805 --> 00:10:54,100
and that's having sexual
relations for the first time.

197
00:10:54,142 --> 00:10:55,902
I'm sure you're both
looking forward to that.

198
00:10:58,980 --> 00:11:00,731
- Oh...
- Yeah, that's...

199
00:11:01,899 --> 00:11:03,943
Unless, of course,
you've already had sex.

200
00:11:06,737 --> 00:11:07,780
Premarital sex.

201
00:11:08,865 --> 00:11:10,449
- What?
- Huh?

202
00:11:12,327 --> 00:11:14,288
Pre-what-ital-who?

203
00:11:15,371 --> 00:11:16,915
I mean, come on, look at me.

204
00:11:16,957 --> 00:11:20,919
Do I look like some guy who's
had sex? I mean... Ugh! Right?

205
00:11:23,839 --> 00:11:25,692
<i>You're
seeing pictures of what's left</i>

206
00:11:25,716 --> 00:11:29,636
<i>of the Point Place Police Academy
auditorium, where a fire broke out today.</i>

207
00:11:30,971 --> 00:11:32,848
I hope Kelso's okay.

208
00:11:32,890 --> 00:11:35,391
Yeah, I know he was there
'cause today was Flare Day.

209
00:11:37,103 --> 00:11:38,688
Today was Flare Day!

210
00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,780
Hey, what's up?

211
00:11:56,164 --> 00:11:59,584
Okay, fine. I was at the Academy
when the auditorium burnt down,

212
00:11:59,625 --> 00:12:01,545
but it totally wasn't my fault.

213
00:12:01,587 --> 00:12:04,422
See, I got there early
to practice with my flare gun

214
00:12:04,464 --> 00:12:06,675
'cause I wanted to show Brooke
an actual B for a change.

215
00:12:06,717 --> 00:12:11,055
Okay, so far, 0% your fault.

216
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:14,725
All right, so I accidentally shot off
a flare, and it went all...

217
00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:17,811
Like, right
underneath the bleachers.

218
00:12:17,853 --> 00:12:21,523
Well, we've just jumped up to
about 60% your fault.

219
00:12:21,565 --> 00:12:24,778
Okay, so then I shot off
another flare at the first flare

220
00:12:24,819 --> 00:12:28,447
'cause you know what they say.
You've got to fight fire with fire.

221
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:36,164
Yeah, this is now,
like, 99% your fault.

222
00:12:36,206 --> 00:12:41,628
So then I shot off another flare
to warn people about the fire.

223
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,966
But that one just went
right up and on the roof,

224
00:12:46,007 --> 00:12:48,552
and that's when I just got
the hell out of there.

225
00:12:59,814 --> 00:13:04,652
$5? For Pete's sakes,
God doesn't drive a Cadillac.

226
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:12,286
You know, in these times of loose
morals, even my faith gets challenged,

227
00:13:12,328 --> 00:13:17,082
much like Han Solo's faith in his
sometimes unreliable Millennium Falcon.

228
00:13:19,168 --> 00:13:23,755
Which is why I'm so pleased to
recently meet a young engaged couple

229
00:13:23,797 --> 00:13:27,508
who have turned their backs
on temptation,

230
00:13:27,550 --> 00:13:32,389
despite the lure
of premarital sex.

231
00:13:32,431 --> 00:13:35,559
Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, no.

232
00:13:35,601 --> 00:13:39,189
So here they are, Eric
Forman and Donna Pinciotti.

233
00:13:43,818 --> 00:13:45,236
Please stand.

234
00:13:59,126 --> 00:14:01,544
Oh, look, it's Eric and Donna.

235
00:14:01,586 --> 00:14:03,130
Did everyone know
they're virgins?

236
00:14:06,091 --> 00:14:08,260
I think I want to
be a virgin, too.

237
00:14:08,302 --> 00:14:10,304
Hey, everyone, I'm a virgin!

238
00:14:12,431 --> 00:14:15,893
Well, I said it,
so it must be true.

239
00:14:15,934 --> 00:14:20,856
Okay, I know this seems really bad,
but I got a really simple way to fix this.

240
00:14:20,898 --> 00:14:24,277
Just start going to
a different church.

241
00:14:24,319 --> 00:14:28,198
Hey, how about that one where they sing
more and let you marry, like, six people?

242
00:14:31,410 --> 00:14:34,662
Hey, Red, tell me the story
about how Eric and Donna had to

243
00:14:34,704 --> 00:14:37,790
stand up in front of the whole
church and pretend to be virgins.

244
00:14:37,832 --> 00:14:40,585
Once upon a time,
two dumb asses went to church

245
00:14:42,045 --> 00:14:46,092
and brought shame
upon their entire family.

246
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:50,846
And their father had to hear about
it the whole damn car ride home!

247
00:14:53,182 --> 00:14:55,101
That is a great story.

248
00:14:55,142 --> 00:14:57,437
It's scary, but it's funny, too.

249
00:14:59,522 --> 00:15:03,276
What I don't understand is how
you can lie to a pastor in church.

250
00:15:03,317 --> 00:15:06,487
Well, Mrs. Forman, what about
the time you lied to Pastor Dan?

251
00:15:06,529 --> 00:15:08,573
You told him your dog ate
your bake sale cookies,

252
00:15:08,614 --> 00:15:10,843
but you didn't bake them 'cause
you were too busy sipping Kahlua

253
00:15:10,867 --> 00:15:12,702
and watching that
Paul Newman retrospective.

254
00:15:13,828 --> 00:15:16,248
I did not lie to
Pastor Dan in church.

255
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,832
I lied to him at the market,

256
00:15:17,874 --> 00:15:20,502
and at the market,
he is just a regular man.

257
00:15:22,212 --> 00:15:25,257
Now, you two march back to
church and tell him the truth.

258
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,218
And for your information,
Donna, Kahlua is barely a drink.

259
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,719
It's like root beer.

260
00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:37,562
So I can't believe the Police
Academy caught fire. What happened?

261
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:38,687
Huge mystery.

262
00:15:41,857 --> 00:15:44,569
Like, what part of
the cow is the hot dog?

263
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:50,992
Maybe Kelso's just
too traumatized to remember.

264
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,953
I think he needs help
filling in the blanks, like...

265
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:56,705
"The fire was
started with a 'blank' gun

266
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:59,001
"by a 'blanking'
idiot named 'blank'-O."

267
00:16:01,504 --> 00:16:04,507
Hey, Brooke, could you
wait outside for a minute?

268
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:06,276
Mrs. Forman has this rule
that there's only...

269
00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:07,593
One, two, three, four...

270
00:16:07,635 --> 00:16:11,096
Five people in
the kitchen at one time.

271
00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:13,738
- Well,
there are five people here.
- That's why you need to leave.

272
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,286
- But you said no
more than five.
- Right.

273
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:17,936
- But I'm number five.
- Exactly.

274
00:16:20,773 --> 00:16:23,151
- So I'll just
wait outside, then?
- Attagirl.

275
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:29,949
Hey, Jackie, I suspect
Kelso hasn't told Brooke

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00:16:29,991 --> 00:16:31,660
that he burned down
the Police Academy.

277
00:16:31,701 --> 00:16:35,413
Interesting. I
suspect you're right, Steven.

278
00:16:36,498 --> 00:16:38,416
Fez, what do you think?

279
00:16:39,125 --> 00:16:40,960
I think I smell cookies.

280
00:16:44,173 --> 00:16:47,176
All right,
fine, so I haven't told her.

281
00:16:47,218 --> 00:16:50,471
But the only reason she likes me is
'cause I'm doing well at the Academy.

282
00:16:50,513 --> 00:16:53,932
Michael, you can't start a
relationship based on a huge lie.

283
00:16:53,974 --> 00:16:58,354
You have to start off fresh, and then
gently sprinkle in the lies as you go along.

284
00:16:59,897 --> 00:17:02,941
A relationship is like a cookie

285
00:17:02,983 --> 00:17:05,736
and the lies are
the tasty chocolate chips.

286
00:17:07,613 --> 00:17:09,032
Where are the cookies, damn it?

287
00:17:11,784 --> 00:17:15,163
Okay,
what did you want to tell me?

288
00:17:15,205 --> 00:17:18,791
Well, you see, Pastor Dan,
when we were here before

289
00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:21,753
and you had asked us about
premarital sex,

290
00:17:23,463 --> 00:17:24,881
we might have...

291
00:17:24,923 --> 00:17:26,466
We lied, okay?

292
00:17:28,009 --> 00:17:32,432
We have had sex
zillions of times.

293
00:17:32,473 --> 00:17:35,643
I used to try to keep track on a
pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.

294
00:17:36,644 --> 00:17:37,811
Eric!

295
00:17:37,853 --> 00:17:39,105
Well, I'm sorry, Donna,

296
00:17:39,146 --> 00:17:42,734
but we are knocking on
hell's door, and I ain't going in!

297
00:17:42,775 --> 00:17:45,403
Eric, you're not going to hell.

298
00:17:45,445 --> 00:17:47,285
Well, you might be.
I don't know you that well.

299
00:17:49,198 --> 00:17:52,243
I just think you're depriving
yourselves of that wonderful moment

300
00:17:52,285 --> 00:17:55,914
when marriage is cemented

301
00:17:55,956 --> 00:17:58,333
by giving
the gift of yourselves.

302
00:17:59,585 --> 00:18:03,297
Wow. I never
thought about it that way.

303
00:18:03,338 --> 00:18:06,550
Maybe that's why you couldn't figure
out the whole excitement about marriage.

304
00:18:06,592 --> 00:18:08,695
The one thing you should
have been looking forward to,

305
00:18:08,719 --> 00:18:11,805
you had already experienced.

306
00:18:11,846 --> 00:18:15,350
Maybe you knew that
without realizing it.

307
00:18:16,644 --> 00:18:18,520
Um...

308
00:18:18,562 --> 00:18:21,190
I don't mean to bring
up <i>Star Wars</i> again...

309
00:18:23,818 --> 00:18:27,781
This is a lot like Luke before
he discovered the Force.

310
00:18:29,407 --> 00:18:30,742
Exactly.

311
00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:34,829
And what is
the Force in real life?

312
00:18:39,668 --> 00:18:40,794
Wow.

313
00:18:42,921 --> 00:18:46,258
Brooke, I've got to
tell you something.

314
00:18:47,968 --> 00:18:50,763
I burnt down
the Police Academy auditorium.

315
00:18:50,805 --> 00:18:53,349
See, this flare
just got away from me.

316
00:18:53,390 --> 00:18:56,519
And then there was another flare
that was on purpose, but a bad idea,

317
00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:00,564
and a final warning flare that I
now realize was unnecessary

318
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:03,776
'cause the fire itself
was a pretty big flare.

319
00:19:06,154 --> 00:19:08,365
Well, Michael, I'm glad
you were honest with me,

320
00:19:08,406 --> 00:19:11,743
because I kind of
have a secret, too.

321
00:19:11,785 --> 00:19:13,870
You have a twin sister
that loves threesomes.

322
00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:18,375
No, no.

323
00:19:18,416 --> 00:19:20,627
I've stopped myself
from getting close to you

324
00:19:20,669 --> 00:19:23,755
because I didn't know
if I could trust you.

325
00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:27,300
I knew you were lying about the
Police Academy fire because...

326
00:19:27,342 --> 00:19:30,596
Well, your friends kind of
gave it away in the kitchen.

327
00:19:32,139 --> 00:19:34,642
Also, Fez took me aside today
and just told me,

328
00:19:37,019 --> 00:19:38,896
and kind of tried to kiss me.

329
00:19:40,105 --> 00:19:41,816
Yeah, he does that.

330
00:19:43,568 --> 00:19:47,029
But you were honest with me,
which means I can trust you now.

331
00:20:01,628 --> 00:20:05,924
So, is there anything else you'd
like to be honest with me about,

332
00:20:07,050 --> 00:20:10,637
like maybe your test grades?

333
00:20:12,514 --> 00:20:13,807
Yeah.

334
00:20:16,142 --> 00:20:18,479
I didn't get four Bs.

335
00:20:18,521 --> 00:20:19,980
I kind of figured.

336
00:20:20,022 --> 00:20:22,358
I got four As.
I just didn't want to brag.

337
00:20:29,031 --> 00:20:31,910
Well, we committed
seven mortal sins,

338
00:20:33,994 --> 00:20:36,080
and all we got was
a half-an-hour lecture.

339
00:20:36,122 --> 00:20:37,415
Yeah.

340
00:20:37,457 --> 00:20:40,544
But still, I want our
wedding day to be special.

341
00:20:40,586 --> 00:20:43,046
You know, something
we'll remember forever.

342
00:20:43,088 --> 00:20:46,467
You know what?
Whatever it takes.

343
00:20:46,508 --> 00:20:48,653
Which is why I think we shouldn't
have sex again until we're married.

344
00:20:48,677 --> 00:20:50,638
What? No. What? No.

345
00:20:51,597 --> 00:20:52,973
No, no, no, no, no.

346
00:20:53,014 --> 00:20:54,975
You can't cut me off now.
I'm addicted now.

347
00:20:56,602 --> 00:20:58,687
Look, Eric, I know it
seems like a crazy idea...

348
00:20:58,729 --> 00:21:02,524
Oh, I see your plan, lady. The
first three years are free, huh?

349
00:21:02,566 --> 00:21:04,402
Eric, it'll be great.

350
00:21:04,444 --> 00:21:07,071
When you think about it,
it's really similar to <i>Star Wars</i>

351
00:21:07,113 --> 00:21:11,075
and staying pure,
just like a Jedi.

352
00:21:11,117 --> 00:21:14,663
There's no such thing as Jedi.
That's just a stupid movie! God!

353
00:21:21,377 --> 00:21:23,713
Last Sunday,
we recognized two congregants

354
00:21:23,755 --> 00:21:25,548
for abstaining from sex.

355
00:21:25,590 --> 00:21:29,094
Well, it is my sad duty to
report that they were lying!

356
00:21:32,097 --> 00:21:35,852
To me, to their families,
to God himself.

357
00:21:37,102 --> 00:21:39,730
So let us correct
a great injustice.

358
00:21:39,772 --> 00:21:43,860
Please stand, Eric
Forman and Donna Pinciotti.

359
00:21:48,823 --> 00:21:50,240
Amen.

360
00:21:50,264 --> 00:21:52,265
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