1
00:00:03,380 --> 00:00:05,965
So, that is all for
the pictures of my mom
2
00:00:06,007 --> 00:00:08,093
in Cancun when she abandoned me.
3
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:10,720
Now let's move on to my mom in
Acapulco, when she abandoned me.
4
00:00:13,014 --> 00:00:15,892
God, I cannot believe how
good your mom looks in a bikini.
5
00:00:15,934 --> 00:00:18,103
I mean, she's approaching,
like, "me" territory.
6
00:00:19,771 --> 00:00:21,481
Isn't the bikini
a marvelous invention?
7
00:00:22,482 --> 00:00:24,859
Imagine the first Aztec
who said,
8
00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:27,779
"I just gotta see some more
belly button," you know?
9
00:00:27,820 --> 00:00:30,532
Yeah, the Mexicans are
such a resourceful people.
10
00:00:31,824 --> 00:00:33,659
Eric, don't be so stupid.
11
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:36,329
Everyone knows the
French invented the bikini.
12
00:00:36,371 --> 00:00:39,082
The Mexicans just added on
the top 'cause they're Catholic.
13
00:00:41,251 --> 00:00:44,588
Another good example of
religion dividing instead of uniting.
14
00:00:45,255 --> 00:00:46,172
Does anyone want a soda?
15
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:47,631
- Yeah.
- Please.
16
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,343
And FYI, if God wanted
Mexican women to wear tops,
17
00:00:50,385 --> 00:00:51,719
he wouldn't have
created tequila.
18
00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:57,350
Where the hell is
Eric with our sodas?
19
00:00:57,392 --> 00:00:58,810
Eric!
20
00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:01,687
Maybe he ran home.
He's kind of a mama's boy.
21
00:01:03,148 --> 00:01:04,899
Eric? Oh, my God!
22
00:01:04,941 --> 00:01:05,941
I'm busy!
23
00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:09,862
Oh, my God!
24
00:01:11,490 --> 00:01:13,325
Ew. Was he going
to the bathroom?
25
00:01:14,868 --> 00:01:16,036
No!
26
00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:23,668
♪ Hanging out
27
00:01:25,588 --> 00:01:27,672
♪ Down the street
28
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:31,010
♪ The same old thing
29
00:01:32,928 --> 00:01:34,639
♪ We did last week
30
00:01:36,098 --> 00:01:38,976
♪ Not a thing to do
31
00:01:40,186 --> 00:01:42,771
♪ But talk to you
32
00:01:43,981 --> 00:01:45,732
♪ We're all all right
33
00:01:45,774 --> 00:01:47,360
♪ We're all all right
34
00:01:48,361 --> 00:01:50,655
Hello, Wisconsin!
35
00:01:57,995 --> 00:01:59,372
Okay, okay.
36
00:02:00,331 --> 00:02:01,707
Okay, something happened.
37
00:02:03,959 --> 00:02:09,048
And I think it's safe to say that it
was certainly in the area of horrific.
38
00:02:12,426 --> 00:02:14,720
Like war,
39
00:02:14,761 --> 00:02:16,441
or when my mom sings
Do You Think I'm Sexy?
40
00:02:16,472 --> 00:02:17,723
While she vacuums.
41
00:02:21,227 --> 00:02:23,062
What happened?
42
00:02:23,103 --> 00:02:26,732
Well, we all know that as a
young man in the prime of his life,
43
00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:29,360
I have some needs.
44
00:02:30,986 --> 00:02:32,405
Amen, brother.
45
00:02:35,157 --> 00:02:36,926
Wait a minute. This is
the prime of your life?
46
00:02:36,950 --> 00:02:38,053
You live at home with your mommy
47
00:02:38,077 --> 00:02:39,597
and you have to wear
a nametag at work.
48
00:02:41,288 --> 00:02:42,498
Anyway...
49
00:02:44,291 --> 00:02:46,544
Today, at the house
of the woman that I was
50
00:02:47,794 --> 00:02:49,129
theoretically going to marry,
51
00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:52,925
I had some needs
that I felt it necessary
52
00:02:52,966 --> 00:02:55,302
to take care of
right then and there.
53
00:02:57,221 --> 00:02:58,305
In her house?
54
00:03:00,516 --> 00:03:01,784
Why don't you just do
it at the bus station
55
00:03:01,808 --> 00:03:03,728
like the other degenerates?
56
00:03:03,768 --> 00:03:05,646
It's... I... You know,
I don't know.
57
00:03:05,688 --> 00:03:07,981
There I was,
there the bathroom was.
58
00:03:09,942 --> 00:03:11,985
It was like two trains
passing in the night.
59
00:03:14,363 --> 00:03:15,489
That's beautiful.
60
00:03:18,576 --> 00:03:19,868
You know, it kind of was.
61
00:03:22,538 --> 00:03:23,706
And then Donna walked in.
62
00:03:24,749 --> 00:03:26,292
- Oh, my God!
- She didn't!
63
00:03:28,669 --> 00:03:31,565
I can't believe we're going to visit Kelso
at the Police Academy this weekend.
64
00:03:31,589 --> 00:03:32,773
We're going to miss
the best part,
65
00:03:32,797 --> 00:03:34,197
when he makes
the whole thing worse.
66
00:03:36,135 --> 00:03:39,221
How could I make this worse?
67
00:03:39,263 --> 00:03:40,389
I don't know.
68
00:03:41,974 --> 00:03:44,811
Man, it seems impossible,
but you always find a way.
69
00:03:47,188 --> 00:03:49,816
You're like The Little Engine
Who Could of screwing yourself.
70
00:03:51,443 --> 00:03:52,902
You know what?
71
00:03:52,944 --> 00:03:54,904
This is Donna's fault
with her, you know,
72
00:03:54,946 --> 00:03:58,074
"No more sex
till we're married" crap.
73
00:03:58,116 --> 00:04:00,827
You guys have no idea how
hard it's been to have no sex at all.
74
00:04:06,833 --> 00:04:08,835
Yeah, it must be horrible.
75
00:04:11,879 --> 00:04:14,382
Seriously,
you guys, what do I do now?
76
00:04:15,676 --> 00:04:16,956
I say you've got
to pull a Nixon.
77
00:04:17,844 --> 00:04:19,137
Deny, deny, deny.
78
00:04:20,847 --> 00:04:22,849
No, you just need a good story.
79
00:04:22,890 --> 00:04:25,651
Whenever I get caught, I just tell
people that I'm checking for ticks.
80
00:04:32,484 --> 00:04:35,445
Fez, how many times
have you been caught?
81
00:04:35,487 --> 00:04:38,365
Oh, come on, I'm not stopping
just because a doorknob turns.
82
00:04:46,498 --> 00:04:48,458
Ooh, man, look at these jokers.
83
00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:51,169
I can't believe this is who
Kelso hangs out with now.
84
00:04:51,211 --> 00:04:52,605
If he doesn't dunk one of
these heads in a toilet bowl,
85
00:04:52,629 --> 00:04:53,839
I'm buying him a skirt.
86
00:04:56,883 --> 00:04:57,884
Fellows.
87
00:05:01,805 --> 00:05:03,640
It's good to see you boys.
88
00:05:03,682 --> 00:05:06,142
- What the hell is that?
- Oh, the 'stache.
89
00:05:06,184 --> 00:05:07,894
Yeah, it's coming in nice, huh?
90
00:05:09,479 --> 00:05:13,316
That's why they call the fuzz,
"the fuzz". They're covered in fuzz.
91
00:05:15,109 --> 00:05:16,903
Like someone threw paint
on the Mona Lisa.
92
00:05:18,071 --> 00:05:19,989
Oh, please, Michael
Kelso's a masterpiece.
93
00:05:20,031 --> 00:05:21,282
You know it, I know it.
94
00:05:22,701 --> 00:05:24,118
Yeah, about that.
95
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:27,622
I'm going by "Mike" now.
It's my cop name.
96
00:05:28,665 --> 00:05:30,208
But we call you Kelso.
97
00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:32,490
Yeah, well, I'm going to have
to ask you to call me Mike!
98
00:05:34,379 --> 00:05:36,922
As far as
the 'stache goes, I like it.
99
00:05:36,964 --> 00:05:39,801
Makes me look like
an authority figure.
100
00:05:39,843 --> 00:05:41,428
Makes you look like a porn star.
101
00:05:44,222 --> 00:05:45,222
Either way.
102
00:05:47,225 --> 00:05:49,269
Cadet Mike.
103
00:05:49,310 --> 00:05:52,397
Officer Kennedy, you know
my friends, Hyde and Fez.
104
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:53,815
Yeah, I remember.
105
00:05:53,857 --> 00:05:56,276
But it seems to me their
names were Trouble and Maker.
106
00:05:57,943 --> 00:06:00,946
Trouble and Maker.
That's clever.
107
00:06:03,366 --> 00:06:05,678
I think it's funny. They put us
together and we're troublemakers.
108
00:06:05,702 --> 00:06:06,787
Shut up.
109
00:06:09,539 --> 00:06:11,183
I hope these two delinquents
don't interfere
110
00:06:11,207 --> 00:06:12,685
with the progress
you've been making here, Mike.
111
00:06:12,709 --> 00:06:14,378
No, sir. Not at all, sir.
112
00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:15,755
Well, we'll see.
113
00:06:15,797 --> 00:06:18,674
I'll have my eye on you.
On all of you.
114
00:06:21,427 --> 00:06:23,596
He's a good man.
115
00:06:23,638 --> 00:06:25,723
All right, you're really
starting to creep me out.
116
00:06:25,765 --> 00:06:27,850
Help me grab
the beer out of the car.
117
00:06:27,892 --> 00:06:31,052
I'm going to drink until that mustache
turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
118
00:06:31,562 --> 00:06:32,814
Sorry, no can do.
119
00:06:32,855 --> 00:06:35,316
I got KP in the a.m.
and PT in the p.m.
120
00:06:36,776 --> 00:06:38,486
Well, I don't know
what any of that means,
121
00:06:38,527 --> 00:06:40,863
but I came here to drink beer
and play with guns, damn it.
122
00:06:42,448 --> 00:06:45,367
Sorry, buddy, but we got
lights out at 22 hundskies,
123
00:06:45,409 --> 00:06:48,049
so I'm going to have to ask you to
move along to the barracks ASAP.
124
00:06:48,746 --> 00:06:49,996
Did you just call me a sap?
125
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,169
No, ASAP. As soon as possible.
126
00:06:55,210 --> 00:06:56,462
Well, you're a sap right now!
127
00:07:02,468 --> 00:07:05,763
Okay, the thing is,
I knew Eric did that,
128
00:07:05,805 --> 00:07:09,099
but knowing and seeing
are two very different things.
129
00:07:10,977 --> 00:07:15,147
It's kind of like how I know
there are rats under the house.
130
00:07:15,189 --> 00:07:18,192
But you don't want to see the rats
diddling themselves in your bathroom.
131
00:07:19,234 --> 00:07:20,402
Exactly!
132
00:07:20,444 --> 00:07:22,947
But, Donna, you're
missing the whole point here.
133
00:07:22,989 --> 00:07:26,742
Eric's perverted behavior can be a card
you could play for the rest of your life.
134
00:07:26,784 --> 00:07:30,955
Let's just say you want Eric to buy
you a diamond, but he says, "No."
135
00:07:30,997 --> 00:07:34,041
You just say,
"Why, are you busy?"
136
00:07:36,126 --> 00:07:39,922
Five minutes later,
you're Elizabeth Taylor.
137
00:07:39,964 --> 00:07:43,759
Yeah, I think I need advice from a woman
in a relationship not built on blackmail.
138
00:07:43,801 --> 00:07:45,720
It's called a lesbian, Donna,
139
00:07:45,761 --> 00:07:47,801
and you're going to have to
go to New York for that.
140
00:07:56,313 --> 00:07:59,274
This afternoon,
a cadet named Terry hit on me,
141
00:07:59,316 --> 00:08:01,316
and it makes me nervous
when men with guns like me.
142
00:08:02,403 --> 00:08:05,280
Fez, Cadet Terry is a woman.
143
00:08:05,322 --> 00:08:08,075
I know because I saw her
putting cover-up on her chin hair.
144
00:08:10,202 --> 00:08:12,663
Well, then,
hello there, Cadet Terry.
145
00:08:16,542 --> 00:08:17,752
I will sit here,
146
00:08:19,086 --> 00:08:20,295
but I will not partake.
147
00:08:22,256 --> 00:08:25,509
What you're doing is illegal,
and it could cause my mind
148
00:08:25,551 --> 00:08:28,303
to drift off its main goal,
which is enforcing the law.
149
00:08:30,138 --> 00:08:32,975
Now, I'd like you both
to read some literature.
150
00:08:33,017 --> 00:08:37,646
In particular, let's take a look
at "Be Great and Go Straight."
151
00:08:37,688 --> 00:08:39,273
I think that one
really says it all.
152
00:08:40,399 --> 00:08:42,860
Hey,
do not throw the literature!
153
00:08:44,863 --> 00:08:48,658
Kelso, the fact that you're now
totally lame would make me furious
154
00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:50,460
if I had the ability
to feel anger right now,
155
00:08:51,912 --> 00:08:53,246
which I thankfully don't.
156
00:08:56,165 --> 00:09:00,087
I am not lame. I am grown-up.
157
00:09:00,128 --> 00:09:03,673
And when you grow up,
you play by the rules,
158
00:09:03,715 --> 00:09:06,134
which is why I am
getting rid of this.
159
00:09:09,012 --> 00:09:10,372
What is he doing?
What is he doing?
160
00:09:12,015 --> 00:09:13,850
Don't worry, Fez.
He's just screwing around.
161
00:09:15,894 --> 00:09:17,145
What?
162
00:09:19,314 --> 00:09:20,398
Baggie!
163
00:09:21,942 --> 00:09:23,777
Good lord, he has broken you.
164
00:09:25,153 --> 00:09:27,155
You broke Hyde,
you son of a bitch!
165
00:09:31,118 --> 00:09:34,830
So, do you get what I'm saying?
166
00:09:39,375 --> 00:09:40,585
I think so.
167
00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:43,171
He was busy?
168
00:09:45,256 --> 00:09:46,591
In my house!
169
00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:49,218
I raised him better than that.
170
00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:52,555
I know this is weird, but I don't
have anyone else to talk to.
171
00:09:52,597 --> 00:09:54,917
Really, did you call around?
I could give you some numbers.
172
00:09:56,143 --> 00:09:58,895
No, no, no, I'm sorry.
173
00:09:58,937 --> 00:10:04,317
Okay, you and Eric need
to be able to talk about this.
174
00:10:04,359 --> 00:10:06,653
I'm sure it'll be awkward
at first, but, well, then...
175
00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:11,220
I am afraid it's just going to
be awkward all the way through.
176
00:10:12,784 --> 00:10:14,995
So, do you and Red have
these kinds of conversations?
177
00:10:15,037 --> 00:10:17,622
Oh, no, no, no, no.
178
00:10:17,664 --> 00:10:20,333
No, we don't talk
about stuff like this.
179
00:10:20,375 --> 00:10:22,255
Red can't even be naked
in a room with a mirror.
180
00:10:24,420 --> 00:10:26,339
Right.
181
00:10:26,381 --> 00:10:28,758
Well, I'm sure Eric and I
will be able to talk about this
182
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,720
like we talk about everything,
because that's what you do.
183
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:34,639
In an open, mature relationship,
you face things head on.
184
00:10:35,891 --> 00:10:37,184
- Oh, God!
- Dirty!
185
00:10:47,276 --> 00:10:48,987
Kelso, let us in.
186
00:10:49,029 --> 00:10:51,406
No, you're going
to hit me again.
187
00:10:53,449 --> 00:10:55,869
I'm warning you,
I got a C plus in Billy club.
188
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:58,705
Just open the door!
189
00:10:58,747 --> 00:10:59,998
No.
190
00:11:03,001 --> 00:11:04,377
Damn, it's unlocked.
191
00:11:05,962 --> 00:11:07,630
I guess I'm going to
have to take you out.
192
00:11:16,473 --> 00:11:17,725
That's a nice move.
193
00:11:19,393 --> 00:11:22,105
Kelso, just relax.
194
00:11:22,146 --> 00:11:25,108
Now listen, we went on a walk.
195
00:11:25,149 --> 00:11:27,669
We realized you're trying to
start a new life for yourself here.
196
00:11:28,402 --> 00:11:29,403
We should be supportive.
197
00:11:30,029 --> 00:11:31,279
Really?
198
00:11:32,115 --> 00:11:33,449
Thank you.
199
00:11:33,490 --> 00:11:35,367
No, thank you, buddy.
200
00:11:37,536 --> 00:11:39,205
We're going to be
great and go straight.
201
00:11:45,502 --> 00:11:48,005
- You ready?
- You bet I am.
202
00:11:48,047 --> 00:11:51,299
Let's see you do QT in
the KP with this, you SOB.
203
00:12:00,308 --> 00:12:01,518
Morning.
204
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,311
Well, if it isn't Casanova.
205
00:12:06,107 --> 00:12:08,358
The man who seduced himself.
206
00:12:09,652 --> 00:12:11,028
Oh, God.
207
00:12:11,070 --> 00:12:13,072
All right, hold it, hold it.
Come back here.
208
00:12:13,114 --> 00:12:16,450
Red, be nice.
Eric, don't be embarrassed.
209
00:12:16,492 --> 00:12:20,328
Now, you know that you can talk
to us about anything, so come on.
210
00:12:20,913 --> 00:12:22,123
Let's rap.
211
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,293
When you were a baby,
212
00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:27,213
you had your hands down
your pants all the time.
213
00:12:29,630 --> 00:12:31,507
But that's okay,
because it's natural.
214
00:12:31,548 --> 00:12:33,341
Red, tell him it's natural.
215
00:12:33,383 --> 00:12:34,760
What are you, an animal?
216
00:12:36,971 --> 00:12:39,890
But why wouldn't
you lock the door?
217
00:12:39,932 --> 00:12:45,521
How could he lock the door when he's
in there pawing himself like an animal?
218
00:12:45,562 --> 00:12:48,440
You know, some people get addicted
and can't even hold down a job!
219
00:12:50,276 --> 00:12:53,904
If you can't get someone to
do it for you, you do without.
220
00:12:55,198 --> 00:12:59,118
In Korea, I went for
two and a half years.
221
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,410
Dad, you were there for three.
222
00:13:03,539 --> 00:13:04,957
What are you, an animal?
223
00:13:19,930 --> 00:13:21,224
Hey.
224
00:13:21,265 --> 00:13:22,390
Oh, hey.
225
00:13:23,684 --> 00:13:24,977
Hey, why did you knock?
226
00:13:27,395 --> 00:13:30,316
You know why I knocked.
227
00:13:30,358 --> 00:13:32,985
Eric, you've been avoiding me
all day. Let's just talk about this.
228
00:13:33,027 --> 00:13:35,654
I... There's nothing
to talk about.
229
00:13:35,696 --> 00:13:38,282
You obviously thought you saw
something that you didn't see.
230
00:13:41,409 --> 00:13:43,120
I was checking for ticks.
231
00:13:45,582 --> 00:13:48,043
- Eric!
- Fine, okay, fine.
232
00:13:48,085 --> 00:13:49,961
I got caught. I'm embarrassed.
233
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:52,964
Let's put this behind us.
I love you.
234
00:13:54,423 --> 00:13:57,135
Okay, great.
It's behind us. Absolutely.
235
00:13:58,511 --> 00:13:59,721
I said, "I love you."
236
00:14:01,806 --> 00:14:02,807
Mmm-hmm.
237
00:14:04,433 --> 00:14:05,977
Don't you love me, too?
238
00:14:08,188 --> 00:14:09,773
Sure, you know. Whatever.
239
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:13,318
Can I have a hug?
240
00:14:15,404 --> 00:14:16,445
Fine.
241
00:14:19,449 --> 00:14:21,910
It's just, what got
you going at my house?
242
00:14:21,952 --> 00:14:25,455
I mean, we were just sitting
around, looking at pictures...
243
00:14:32,629 --> 00:14:35,506
Of Jackie's mom!
Jackie's mom got you going?
244
00:14:35,548 --> 00:14:37,467
No! What? No!
245
00:14:40,095 --> 00:14:41,179
Well...
246
00:14:43,514 --> 00:14:44,891
You're an animal!
247
00:14:51,731 --> 00:14:53,331
I can't wait for
these guys to see Kelso.
248
00:14:54,901 --> 00:14:55,944
I think I might be giddy.
249
00:14:57,612 --> 00:14:59,906
I know, I feel like
it's Christmas morning.
250
00:14:59,948 --> 00:15:02,867
Except, instead of toys, we
get to humiliate a close friend.
251
00:15:05,245 --> 00:15:06,330
Hey, Pete. Hey, Doug.
252
00:15:11,668 --> 00:15:12,668
Hey, boys.
253
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,172
Hi, Mike!
254
00:15:17,799 --> 00:15:20,760
Cadet Mike, I suppose
you think this is funny?
255
00:15:20,802 --> 00:15:21,970
What?
256
00:15:22,012 --> 00:15:23,763
You have made a mockery
of the uniform,
257
00:15:23,805 --> 00:15:25,723
and I want an explanation
right now.
258
00:15:25,765 --> 00:15:26,765
Shut up!
259
00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:29,311
Dismissed!
260
00:15:34,565 --> 00:15:35,775
What did you guys do to me?
261
00:15:36,776 --> 00:15:38,278
Did you shave my head?
262
00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,779
Is there something on my back?
263
00:15:40,989 --> 00:15:42,615
You know what?
264
00:15:42,657 --> 00:15:44,993
You guys are totally
stuck in high school,
265
00:15:45,035 --> 00:15:47,305
and I'm trying to do something
better and you guys resent it,
266
00:15:47,329 --> 00:15:48,997
so you're trying
to ruin it for me.
267
00:15:49,039 --> 00:15:51,279
Well, you know what? This
stuff isn't even funny anymore.
268
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:53,668
Oh, that's a good burn!
269
00:15:58,756 --> 00:16:01,676
So that's when I was, like,
"No, I don't want highlights."
270
00:16:01,718 --> 00:16:03,928
People pay money
to get their hair my color,
271
00:16:06,306 --> 00:16:07,724
not the other way around.
272
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,311
Why are we feeding you again?
273
00:16:12,812 --> 00:16:14,524
'Cause I'm good company.
274
00:16:17,985 --> 00:16:21,572
Look who tore himself away
from himself long enough to join us.
275
00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:27,036
Yeah, usually he's
too busy for lunch.
276
00:16:28,704 --> 00:16:30,331
All right, both of you stop.
277
00:16:30,373 --> 00:16:32,166
Honey, you washed
your hands, right?
278
00:16:35,711 --> 00:16:37,911
Look, Dad, I can't believe
I'm going to say this, but...
279
00:16:38,714 --> 00:16:40,508
Can I talk to you in
private for a moment?
280
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:43,386
No, I don't think so.
281
00:16:45,804 --> 00:16:47,524
I know the kind of
things you do in private.
282
00:16:50,268 --> 00:16:52,686
- Dad...
- Oh, all right.
283
00:16:52,728 --> 00:16:54,522
Just keep your hands
where I can see them.
284
00:16:57,108 --> 00:16:58,484
This really isn't getting old.
285
00:17:02,654 --> 00:17:06,367
Okay. So, you know how
I do things that are horrible,
286
00:17:06,409 --> 00:17:08,209
and it seems like
I can't make them any worse,
287
00:17:10,079 --> 00:17:11,247
and then I do?
288
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,500
Sadly, yes.
289
00:17:15,793 --> 00:17:17,711
Well, I did it again.
290
00:17:18,087 --> 00:17:19,380
Again?
291
00:17:21,090 --> 00:17:22,841
How many bathrooms
does that house have?
292
00:17:22,883 --> 00:17:23,968
No!
293
00:17:24,927 --> 00:17:28,389
Not... Not that.
294
00:17:29,932 --> 00:17:34,312
Donna wanted to talk
about the horrible thing.
295
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:35,980
Oh.
296
00:17:36,021 --> 00:17:38,816
They always want
to talk about it.
297
00:17:38,857 --> 00:17:41,902
Yeah, well, we talked about it.
298
00:17:41,944 --> 00:17:45,406
And in the course of talking
about it, information was revealed
299
00:17:45,448 --> 00:17:48,493
that made it much, much worse.
300
00:17:50,495 --> 00:17:54,706
And that is why you never,
ever talk about it.
301
00:17:54,748 --> 00:17:57,668
Have you ever noticed how
often I just grunt at your mother?
302
00:18:00,838 --> 00:18:02,673
I know how to talk.
I'm not an ape.
303
00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:05,009
Right.
304
00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:06,969
I just choose not to.
305
00:18:08,762 --> 00:18:09,930
Right.
306
00:18:09,972 --> 00:18:11,723
Well, it's too late
for that now,
307
00:18:11,765 --> 00:18:13,684
since you screwed up
and talked about it.
308
00:18:15,478 --> 00:18:17,729
There's only one thing to do.
309
00:18:17,771 --> 00:18:20,399
Go on the offensive.
Counter attack.
310
00:18:20,441 --> 00:18:22,443
What? That's suicide, man.
311
00:18:23,611 --> 00:18:25,863
They'll never expect it.
It throws them off.
312
00:18:25,904 --> 00:18:29,783
You know, one time in Korea, we
had this little guy outnumbered 20-to-1.
313
00:18:29,825 --> 00:18:32,744
But then he ran at us,
screaming his head off.
314
00:18:32,786 --> 00:18:34,246
And we were so taken off guard,
315
00:18:34,288 --> 00:18:36,707
that we dove right
into our foxholes.
316
00:18:38,334 --> 00:18:40,002
- And he got away?
- No, no.
317
00:18:42,087 --> 00:18:44,090
No, I mean we were startled
for a few seconds,
318
00:18:44,132 --> 00:18:46,052
but then the whole company
just opened up on him.
319
00:18:50,222 --> 00:18:52,140
Listen up, Donna.
I've got something to say.
320
00:18:52,182 --> 00:18:54,309
Okay, but be careful.
321
00:18:54,351 --> 00:18:55,727
Jackie's mom was here earlier.
322
00:18:57,354 --> 00:18:59,081
I don't want you to catch
a whiff of her perfume
323
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:01,191
and have to sexually assault
yourself in the hallway.
324
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:05,487
No, no, no, no.
I talk, you listen.
325
00:19:05,529 --> 00:19:08,657
Okay, this is all your fault.
326
00:19:08,699 --> 00:19:11,702
Yeah, do you have any idea what
your celibacy thing is doing to me?
327
00:19:11,743 --> 00:19:15,372
My needs have risen
to near Fezian levels.
328
00:19:17,249 --> 00:19:21,670
He is a sick bastard, Donna,
and now, thanks to you, so am I!
329
00:19:21,712 --> 00:19:23,755
Yeah, that's right, Donna!
You created a monster.
330
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:24,923
I can't leave myself alone!
331
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:29,761
You know what?
You're right. I'm sorry.
332
00:19:30,220 --> 00:19:31,346
You are?
333
00:19:32,097 --> 00:19:33,139
I mean...
334
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,392
Yeah, damn right you are.
335
00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:38,770
No, this has been really hard.
336
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:41,940
And this celibacy
thing was my idea, so...
337
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:45,818
I need to accept some responsibility
for the odd and disgusting things you do.
338
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:49,615
That's right, you do.
339
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:52,909
But, you know, next time,
be like a normal person.
340
00:19:52,951 --> 00:19:56,037
Go to your room, lock the
door, light some candles,
341
00:19:56,079 --> 00:19:58,331
put on some Al Green
and make an evening of it.
342
00:20:00,917 --> 00:20:03,795
Wow, Donna,
that was really detailed.
343
00:20:04,588 --> 00:20:05,797
It's almost like...
344
00:20:11,928 --> 00:20:13,138
Oh, my God!
345
00:20:15,974 --> 00:20:17,476
You do it, too!
346
00:20:19,269 --> 00:20:22,731
What? No, no!
347
00:20:22,773 --> 00:20:24,816
I'd noticed the candles
getting lower,
348
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:26,443
even though I'd never
seen them lit!
349
00:20:28,403 --> 00:20:30,656
All right,
this conversation is over!
350
00:20:34,951 --> 00:20:35,951
Wow.
351
00:20:39,164 --> 00:20:40,832
So, this is where
it all happens.
352
00:20:51,426 --> 00:20:52,885
So they make an evening of it?
353
00:20:53,845 --> 00:20:56,765
Yeah, candles, music...
354
00:20:56,807 --> 00:20:58,350
God, girls do everything better.
355
00:20:59,601 --> 00:21:02,646
You don't suppose Jackie...
356
00:21:02,688 --> 00:21:05,524
Nah, she wouldn't even go
to a self-serve gas station.
357
00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:08,485
What would happen if I walked
in during one of their evenings?
358
00:21:08,527 --> 00:21:13,115
Are they like us where, even though
we're alone, we welcome a visitor?
359
00:21:13,157 --> 00:21:15,093
Well, yeah. I mean, it's not like
they'd rather do it themselves,
360
00:21:15,117 --> 00:21:16,910
when they could have
a man do it, right?
361
00:21:16,952 --> 00:21:17,995
- Right.
- Yeah.
362
00:21:18,019 --> 00:21:20,019
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