Downloaded from YTS.MX
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
( Gospel choir singing )
Oh, reverend...
Wonderful.
Don't do that, don't do that...
Mama!
( All scream )
How come you didn't say something?
I did say something--!
Shut up!
I'm runnin' this motherfuckin' show here tonight...
Do you understand me?
- Say it! - Yes, I hear you.
I hope you're ready, 'cause I'm gonna ride you like a cowgirl into the sunset.
Come here, and play with my twins!
( Bickering )
( Whimper )
Ooh, it's music to my ears.
You know what?
I'm goin' down.
What?
( Bickering continues )
Wait a minute.
Who's up now, huh? Who's in charge now?
( Commotion continues )
What the hell--?
Say, "O.J. did it!"
He did it, O.J. did it!
Get out of my house!
How you doin'? What's happenin'?
You heard her, get the hell out!
- Yeah, get out - yeah...Damn!
Nobody has sex in my house, except me.
Now, you get the hell out!
Sorry, mama.
Brought you a wire hanger, mama.
Oh--come on, mama... I'm--mama...!
Oh, mama, please, mama!
( Whacking sounds ) Oh, mom, it hurts!
Damn!
Don't you run from me!
- Derrick, open this door. - No, mama.
Open this door!
"Here's the clothes hanger, mama."
"Get him, mama."
You open this door!
Derrick, open that door.
You hear me, boy? I said, open that door!
Mama, please calm down.
( Gritting teeth: ) I'm calm.
Gimme the hanger.
How was church?
Derrick, what is wrong with you?
How come you can't do nothin'--
how come you can't do nothin' right? Huh?
You dropped out of high school, you won't get your G.E.D...
You've been drinkin' too much.
You are in trouble with the law...
You won't help me around the house at all...
Uncle Deion says you are always coming to work late...
You don't even put the tissue on the roll right.
How many times I gotta tell you, I like it over the top?
Are you forgetting anything? My God!
I can see why Ann don't wanna be bothered with you.
Oh, you did not go there...!
Yes, I did go there.
I don't see what she saw in you in the first place.
The girl's too good for you.
Derrick: Oh, Ann, love of my life...
Mama: - Oh, boy, please... - Who moved Ann's candle?
I'm sorry mama. I shouldn't have had that girl over here.
I'm just tryin', you know? I really am.
I'm gonna make that serious paper this week, and get up outta here.
I wanna work things out. I wanna buy you a house.
I got a house. Here's what you can do for me...
You can take care of you, get you a house, and then, you can go live in it.
Come on, now. We're family, all right?
"La familia", girl--
get... Let my--
see? You're always hittin' me. That's why I didn't graduate.
- Let my arm go, Derrick. - You're gonna hit me.
- I am not. - All right.
Who are you callin' a "girl"?
Mama, I just need a hug. Could I just have a hug, please?
All right? From my mama, on Sunday, is that okay?
...damn. Come on. I'm sorry, all right?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, mama.
You got a nice Booty, mama.
Derrick, just stop it. You are out of control.
I want you out of here.
Get your stuff, and get out of here. Go!
- What are you talkin' about? - Which part of "g-o" don't you understand?
Don't start spellin', mama, you know what that--
you really gonna kick me out?
Damn, dog...
I've never seen her that mad before.
She's trippin', man.
Yo, Derrick, we're gonna miss you, man.
Yeah, man.
I'm gonna miss y'all. You know that?
Come here, y'all. Gimme some love.
Ha ha! Derrick got kicked out!
"Ha ha"! I put your toothbrush in my ass!
Ass-mouth!
That is nasty! Putting some toothbrush up--
don't feel sorry for him.
All he had to do was go to the store and get milk while we were in church.
Instead, he brings home some--hoochie mama!
She wasn't no "hoochie mama", mama!
It ain't right for you to assume something about somebody...
That you don't even know.
Oh, really? Tell me about her.
I don't know her either. I met her at the club last night.
But I'm sayin', you shouldn't assume.
And I'm gonna bring you milk after work, all right?
No, you're not, because you're not capable of not screwing up!
I am not not incapable of not screwin' up!
All right, just to prove my point...
If you get milk before dinner, you can get in this house.
If not, forget it, because you're outta here for good!
Okay, that's fine...
I guess I'll see you at dinner, then.
Now, I'm going to work, where people respect me!
- You're fired! - What?!
Aw, come on, uncle Deion.
Yeah, stupid ass. You were the last one in the store last night.
And you forgot to lock the back door.
Dude, anybody could have came in.
I locked it, man, I think...? I'm sorry.
Dude, you are sorry. You're fuckin' sorry, dude!
You're fired, you're outta here--
hey, man... You want some of this?
Knock it off!
Jesus!
You're just mad 'cause you're the only Korean in L.A.
That don't own his own store.
Lick my ass, Derrick. Lick it--hard!
You ain't got no ass! What ass? You little flat ass.
I hate you. I'm gonna kill you, man.
Look, Dee...
I apologize, all right?
I've been goin' through a rough time with Ann...
I'm seekin' some outside help, tryin' to...
Derrick?
I firing you because you give everybody in the neighborhood credit.
I'm firing you because you mopped last week...
And you didn't put down the "wet floor" sign...
And I slipped, and I busted my ass!
I'm firing you because you eat up all the gummie bears!
And you can never balance the register...
Because you never finished school.
And your math skills suck!
Well, my, my, uncle Deion. What a long list you have!
Is there anything you forgot?
Derrick...
Your bullshit may sound like poetry to you...
But to everybody else, it sounds like what it is...
Bull-shit!
Man, I'm tired of your ass.
Here's your pay for last week.
Twenty dollars? That's it?
I subtracted all the 40's you drank--on the clock.
How do you sleep at night?
You gotta start growing up, Derrick.
Be a man!
This shit ain't even fair.
Let me guess, Derrick...
It's "because you're white".
Dude, you are so weak.
"Meow". --What?
"Meow".
- I know that's you, man. - Oh, my, it's lunchtime, Kim.
Get out of here, dude. You're unemployed. You're fired!
( Beep )
( Woman's scream )
( Elephant trumpet )
( Diesel air horn )
( Backfire )
Whassup, girl?
Aw, you can't say "hi" to somebody?
( Shocks wheezing )
Why don't you hock that little European car...
And take a ride with "the roughneck"?
You look more like a "redneck".
A "redneck"?
Redneck...
Well, girl, let's ride the bronco, then!
( Shocks whine )
Look out, now... Whoa...!
Get lost.
Hey, girl, what's up? Okay, it's gonna be like that?
All right...
( Siren )
Hi, officer... Can I help you?
( Shocks hissing )
All right... That's okay.
Sorry about that. Sometimes they have a mind of they own.
You know what I'm sayin? Like, right now...
Turn it off, now!
I'm tryin', see? I'm tryin'.
Turn it off!
It's okay. Put the gun down.
Why don't you step on out of that there car, boy?
Well, looky, looky.
Where'd that come from?
Step over to the curb. We wanna see ya.
Follow me. Come on, boy.
They won't hurt ya.
Hey, yo, man. I need that! What's up?
So do they. Now...
I'm givin' you a citation
for havin' an open container of alcohol in your car...
Possession of an illegal substance, noise pollution...
Expired registration, broken headlight, taillight...
No sideview mirrors, making an illegal turn, and driving without a license.
Come on...
You ain't got no license, boy?
Thank you very much, officers. Did you forget anything?
I forgot to drag you into the alley...
And kick the shit outta you, you pompous wise-ass wannabe!
The south's gonna rise again, boy!
That shit better be intact!
Don't mess up my bumper!
Yo, dog...
You need anything?
Do I need anything? As a mater of fact, I do.
You got a job, a house, a car, and a girlfriend for me?
No, but I got this.
Crack?! Bad--get that shit away from me.
What's up with you, man?
Tryin' to get a brother locked up or something?
That's some serious shit right there, dog.
You're dealin' for cosmo, huh?
Hey, who's that with him?
I don't know. Why?
I rocked that girl's world this mornin', dog.
I was--wham, bam!
I didn't know it was his girlfriend, though.
Whatever. You wanna buy some or not?
I don't know where you're from, but you ain't no tough guy.
You look like a little gay "Urkel".
- I ain't no gay Urkel. - Whatever, little gay Urkel.
Take that shit back to cosmo, tell him you quit, and run.
Run, little gay Urkel, run!
Hey...
That's my last $20. Don't say I never did nothin' for ya.
Go on, now. Kids...
Cosmo: What's this all about? Why are you giving this back?
That's it, young man. Do the right thing.
You ain't gonna tell him about the girl...?
You told him about the girl.
Hello, there. Top of the mornin' to ya.
- Chris? - What's up?
- I need a ride, man. - No.
- Come on, Chris. - Get off my car.
Chris, come on.
Damn, you're slow. I'd have my ass in Georgia by now.
- Come on, white boy, run. - Please?!
All right, all right, but repeat after me...
"I, the evil blue-eyed devil...
Will never, ever mess with black women again."
"Will never--" wait...
What if it's a dark Puerto Rican girl?
Oh, shit. Cosmo's gainin' on you.
Say it!
I'll never mess with black women again.
Okay, let me pull over.
You didn't know I could run, huh?
What was that shit about back there?
Cosmo's trippin', man. I didn't know that was his girlfriend.
You got a problem with your horny white ass.
Yo, man. I gotta get some milk.
Whatever. Take you to the store?
Yeah, but I ain't got no money.
- Fliz-at...Briz-oke. - Always "brizoke".
Ho' alert.
Hello, ho's!
That's a gay white boy.
Little Irish faggot. That's what we need...
We need a little gay man like that.
Somebody to show us how to suck a dick properly.
( Slurred ) I heard that.
I heard he bent over one day and a leprechaun jumped out of his ass.
Was his name "lucky"?
Ha, ha... I don't know.
( Bickering )
Hello, ho'.
( Bickering resumes )
What's up, Paula?
Well, well. If it ain't "ebony and ivory".
If it's not Phyllis and her sister...
( Together ) Syphilis.
What do you two scrawny motherfuckers want?
- I need the $2 you owe me. - Two dollars?
That's going to be a problem. I see that right now...
Because you can't take $2 from a two-dollar ho'.
It would make her a worthless ho'. That's fucked up.
Hey, fuck you!
Come on, I need some milk money.
I need $2, girl.
- He's gotta get some milk. - Milk?
You ain't been weaned yet?
Wanna come over here and suck these two titties?
That's okay. I'll take a stick of gum and some nail clippers, though.
Git on, nigga.
Y'all can't afford this good pussy.
This some potpourri pussy right here.
Smell it, it's so good.
( Together ) I can smell it...
- Git on, "little dick". - That's a myth...
That's a damn myth. I went to black schools...
- I can pee with the best of ya. - Come on, dog.
- I got you beat. - Quit it, now...
You gonna argue with us? Look at us.
Have you seen more dick than us?
What?
Little punk-asses.
"Punk-asses"?
You big gonorrhea, herpes simplex...
One-through-motherfuckin'-ten genital wart...
- Lyme disease... - Crab-havin'...
- Gingivitis... - Canker sore...
- Gout... - Yeast infection...
- Frostbite... - Cold sore...
Scabby-kneed, dick burned...
...ingrown...
( Blast )
Ha, ha ha...
"Ha, ha", my ass. Is there a problem?
( Together ) Uh...No, sir...
Then why are you fuckin' with my ho's?
You know what else they were doing? They were threatening us.
( Whispering: ) Shuddup.
I think you owe my ho's an apology.
( Together: ) Sorry, ho's.
Not a verbal, a physical one. You need to kiss my ho's.
Hell, no.
( Click )
Hell, yeah!
Partner, start the kissing.
( Belch )
What's wrong with you? Come on, man.
Whoa, whoa...
Black on black, white on white.
Ain't no interracial ho'-ing going on around here.
Come on, partner, kiss her.
Pimp: There you go. Handle it.
( Gagging )
Fuck that! Shoot me, man!
I don't blame you. You're a smart man...
Oh, damn, he's kissin' that ho'!
Call me, motherfucker.
Call me.
Ha, ha, slow motherfuckers.
I need a blunt.
Come on, now... You need to quit smokin'.
'Tanda! What's up, girl?
'Tanda, what's--
what'd I say about black girls? Ain't that why we're in trouble?
- She was mixed. - "Mixed", your ass.
I'll "mix" your--
where are the motherfuckers?
There those motherfuckers go!
Get out of the way, goddamnit.
It's piss--!
What's the matter, cosmo? You scared?
Y'all some sick motherfuckers.
- Get them fools! - You're scared, cosmo!
- Y'all motherfuckers is dead! - Am I?
Cosmo: Let's get the fuck outta here. Y'all are dead!
Whew... It's warm in here.
When 200 people piss in the pool, it's bound to be warm.
Two hundred, and... One.
That's it...
I don't know why I mess with your ass.
- It was a nice swim. - Shut the hell up.
Aw, damn...
Yo, man, I could have sworn they would fuck up my ride.
I'm glad--
hold up...
He could have put a bomb in it or some shit.
- Shut the hell up. - No, I'm serious.
I saw that on a video. People were dying...
And they rigged this guy's car in 20 seconds.
They had no time to put no bomb in here.
Twenty seconds, Chris. Did he have twenty seconds?
All they found was a piece of a cornea...
And a little mucus...
And something that looked like some chicken...
Like a little cartilage or something.
They put a bomb in it, and it blew up...
Boom!!
I got your ass.
You're daydreaming about that girl, Ann.
I was not.
She's trippin', though, man. She won't call me back.
She ain't called in a year. You're stalkin' her.
Plain and simple. Let it go, man.
You know what? We should be allowed to stalk them.
There should be, like...
Some kinda grace period, you know?
'Cause they're whackin' us out.
Whoa--!
Derrick: Catch up with his Asian ass.
I so sorry.
It's all intense. That's why people make fun of Asian drivers.
( Together: ) I can't see you!
He knows. He just won't admit it.
( Smash )
Owww, my neck hurt! My neck hurt
- y'all all right? - What the fuck you think?
No, muh-fuh, my neck hurt!
My neck hurt too, dad.
Man: I was hit by...
Black guy, nappy hair...
- What do you mean, "nappy"? - Passenger, white guy, I think.
Oh, my neck hurt!
Oh, my neck hurts, too.
He was driving the other car. You caused this shit!
I can't hear you. I can't see you.
You blame me-- can't drive.
Very good at drive-by shooting, huh?
Hit the switches, screw white woman, huh?
But you can't eat chicken. Look at this! Shit, man!
Do you wanna go first, and kick his ass?
Asshole booties! Give back, give back!
( Laughing )
Yo, dog... Wanna buy a camera?
How much you charging?
Twenty dollars. Works and everything.
Twenty dollars? Dumbass. You could have gotten $120.
Yo, my man. Hold up.
Let me holler at you for a second.
All right, thanks, my brother.
Asalaam alaikum.
You get some more money?
Have you learned nothing from "menace to society"?
Take the tape.
Word.
Take the tape.
You're smart, Chris.
You always were smart, dog.
That's why you're my boy.
( Mock Hispanic accent ) Hey, t-Rex... Whassup, my leetle fren'?
Fuck you, man. You owe me $5, bro.
- Damn, aren't we friendly? - Fuck you, man.
- Fuck you, man! - Fuck you, maricon!
( Yelling )
Derrick: Hey--!
Calm the fuck down. Do we have to swear so motherfuckin' much?
( Together: ) Fuck you!
( Yelling resumes )
( Together: ) Fuck you!
Five dollars? I give your cousins credit all the time, motherfucker.
You need to just chill out on that.
You don't give my cousins shit.
My cousins be jackin' your white ass, bro.
Fu-uu-uu-ck!
Bitches, move! Derrick--!
Where the fuck you been, man? What's up? You can't call Tess?!
I don't know you, girl. You must have me confused..
Don't play with me, you know I'm on parole...
But I will beat your monkey ass up in this store.
Who you think you playin' with? Acting like you don't know?
But you knew me when you were all up in this good stuff...
You were like-- bam! Bam!
Now you're like you don't know nobody--whassup?!
I don't know her, y'all. She's trippin'.
Oh, now I'm lyin', huh? Now I'm--
get your damn hands off me. Fuck you.
If I'm lyin', how come I know you've got a tattoo on your Booty cheeks
saying, "hot side hot" on the left...
And "cool side cool" on the right? Speak on it.
She's lyin', y'all.
Yeah, right. Check it, check it.
Ohh...
Fuck all y'all.
Get a thing of milk, man. I don't want no fuckin' credit.
That's all right, Derrick. Some like it hot.
Some like it cold.
Fuck you!
( All inside: ) - Fuck you!
Ann...? Ann!
Yo, Ann!
What's up, girl?
What do you want?
I've been calling you.
I know. Every day. For the past year.
You know that's considered stalking, right?
I'm quiet. I ain't stalking.
You were hiding in my bushes, Derrick.
I was trying to pick you a flower.
In the middle of December?
Christmas flower.
Come on, girl. You gotta...
Give me a little chance here.
I've been miserable, Ann. I'm serious.
I haven't been with another woman since you...
Big woman: Derrick!
I know you hear me!
I can't believe you tried to get up in her good stuff too!
That's okay... You ain't gettin' no more.
You ain't never seein' no more of this.
Ann...
She's lyin'.
Seriously, I ain't drinkin' any more...
Chris: Yo, D!
I got the 40's!
Chris why you always playin' like that?
You're a practical joker, man.
Jokin', always playin'...
You're gonna tell me you don't owe any money, either?
I don't, I--
( store clerk ) Mira, Mira, maricon...
For the last time, maricon, give me my money!
Fuck you!
Give me the money you owe me!
I love you. I really do, Derrick...
But I can't...
I can't stay in this relationship
if you won't grow up and you won't change.
No, Derrick.
It's like that, then, huh?
Like we never even had nothing special?
Remember St. Patrick's day at this park?
No.
You don't remember that?
"Black Irish"? You don't remember that little game?
( Irish accent ) Top o' the mornin' to ya.
( Romantic ballad )
* just remember, baby
* I'll always love you
* I think about all the good times, baby *
* that we had
* I'll be there for you
* I feel so warm and fuzzy all over *
* precious love
* I feel so soft and fuzzy
* so soft and fuzzy
* you make me feel...
* all squishy inside
* you make me feel
* squishy inside
* all fuzzy all over
* my four leaf clover
* fuzzy all over
goodbye, Derrick.
I gotta go to work.
Maybe I'll stop by and see you later?
Please don't.
Okay, I will.
- Hey, little gay Urkel. - It's "Charles".
Yeah, whatever, man. Why did you rat me out?
Mr. cosmo asked who told me to quit.
You just added the part about the girl and all that?
Having me jumping in dirty-ass swimming pools.
Just 'cause you're caught up, don't get me caught up.
Sorry. I guess I'm not very "down".
It's cool, dog. I'm just lettin' you know...
That ain't how we play it.
So, who was that you were talking to?
You like her, huh?
She's fine. That's my ex-girlfriend.
- I'm gonna get her back. - What's your name?
Derrick. I gotta go.
Oh--you know what?
I heard Mr. cosmo talking.
He said he was going to get your uncle.
Let's go to my uncle's store.
What's that shit all about? Hitting on a little boy?
That's stupid, man...
A little boy, Derrick?!
My uncle's probably getting jacked right now...
Are you trying to ass-Jack a little boy?
Cosmo: ...Take care of this shit.
Can I help you, pimp dude?
Shut the fuck up.
That was so... Not called for.
Hong Kong motherfucker.
What the hell is going on out here?
Where's your little faggot-ass nephew?
Homie, I know you ain't talkin' about me...
Unless you're tryin' to get rolled up.
You're the only faggot I see out here.
He's probably somewhere sucking somebody's dick.
Your nephew's been up in my motherfucking business.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I don't hear shit now. Do I?
See, I got a couple of motherfucking things to decide.
Should I kill you, and wait for him...
Or wait for him, and kill him in front of you...
Or wait for him, and kill you in front of him...
Or should I kill you in front of him...?
( Hysterically ) Or should I kill everybody in this motherfucker?!!
Or should I kill my motherfuckin' self?
You need to make up your motherfuckin' mind.
You're just the motherfucker I've been looking for.
I thought you'd be too scared to face me, you little bitch.
Derrick: I ain't little.
Let's go, you little bitch.
- I told you, I ain't little. - Shut up. Let's go.
Yo, dog.
Ow, dog. You're hurtin' me.
Chris, come on.
Yo, Chris, let's go, dog.
We know your ass is in there--let's go!
Fuck!
Oh, here's my lighter!
I was lookin' for my lighter.
Get nervous, gotta smoke when we get ready to fight.
You're goin' down, you little punk-ass.
Let's do this.
It's cool. I got this, Dee...
Nah, this ain't cool.
Don't nobody fuck with my nephew!
That's right, Derrick.
We got your back. I'm always down to scrap.
I'm gonna kill all y'all motherfuckers.
But I'm gonna have a little fun, first.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Hold this shit.
This shit is on.
Fuck this. We're all going down.
I'm cool... I'm cool with my shirt.
Take your motherfucking shirt off!
I was doing that...
Maybe you should let him shoot you.
911?
Yeah, uh... Help.
Like, they're trying to kill Derrick.
Yeah, take your time.
( Siren )
My store.
Turn around.
Derrick: See y'all later. Take it easy.
I knew as soon as everybody took off their shirts...
We'd end up on TV. I'm tellin' you--whassup?
For real. Hey, listen...
They're lucky they came when they did...
'Cause I was about to put my foot
like, deep-deep-deep in their ass...
Cool and ree-freshing.
My, my, my.
Look who's makin' their tello-vision de-but.
Look at you two.
Uh-uh-uh.
You aren't plannin' on drivin' with those alcoholic beverages?
No, these are sealed. We were transporting them.
( Sniffing )
You boys smell like you've already been drinkin'.
That's just piss. We went swimming earlier.
Well--! You been swimmin' in piss?
Ain't that just sweet.
Thank you, officer. Thank you very much.
I wouldn't suggest drivin' unless you want a DUI.
Oh, no... No sir.
We would not like a DUI.
Between you and I, I would not like a DUI.
Why, why, y... You see--u c...
You can keep it with your G.E.D.
( Chuckling )
Let me use your phone, dog.
( Singing hip-hop style )
What?
- What are you doing, man? - I'm doing the beat box.
How long is it gonna take you to get the beat box?
I got it. Where's the damn milk?
I forgot it.
How could you do that to me? I told you, my mom--
( gasp )
Yike-- booties, dude.
Like that.
Hey, check it out.
Derrick: Look at that.
I remember that school like it was yesterday.
We were here talking to fatty yesterday.
Oh, that's right.
I remember the first time I seen you, man...
Fresh off the boat from Ireland, wearing a dress.
No, no... It was a kilt.
Chris: "It was a kilt".
Stupid, you almost got yourself "kilt".
( Singing: ) I'm going to school in America...
America, America...
Going to school in America,
la-la-la-la-la.
Hello, my name is Derrick. I'm in first grade today.
What is your name?
My name is...
Why you wearin' a dress? You little faggot.
It's a kilt.
Looks like a dress to me. Faggot.
I'll let you kiss me for a dollar.
No-oo!
I knew you were a little faggot.
Derrick: Who would have guessed that sweet little girl, Paula
would grow up to be a local skank-ass ho'?
( Hip-hop music playing )
( Laughter )
That was fresh!
Derrick: All the pretty black girls tried to get with me even then.
Especially when they found out I could dance.
( Celtic fiddle music )
( Applause )
Hey, it's cosmo.
"Cosmo"? What kind of weird name is--
kids: Ooh!
What did you do that for?
Derrick: That was the first time I met cosmo, too.
We became instant homies...
After I whipped his ass.
( Bell rings )
Hey, you guys. Wait for me.
Damn, man... Tryin' to drink back here.
I thought you just wanted some milk and go home.
I do, but I gotta see Ann first.
( African-style rhythm )
Fire...!
Pain!
- See, all about the hair. - Come on, let's go.
Woman: Flow like rain...
Insane! Insane!
Why? Why?
Just kill a cracker... Why?
( Applauding ) Oh, my God, yeah!
Why--why?
Derrick: Why, girl?
Thank you, ling.
May I help you?
( Together: ) "Why?"
Trapped-- inside my skin.
Ann, listen...
It was good to see you this afternoon, and...
Aw, please. He wants to do a poem.
No.
Trapped--inside...
My skin.
"No"? Why can't I--?
'Cause I'm white, huh?
See? It's not fair.
Thank you very much, Stokely Ungawa,
and your lovely wife, Betsy.
Next, we will be having a new contestant...
Performing a piece entitled...
"It's because I'm white."
( Applause )
- Do your thing. - You're coming with me.
- Yo, man, that poem was dope. - Dude, thanks a lot.
Trapped inside my skin.
White boy!
Honky! Cracker!
Clearwater!
He ain't pink! He's pink!
These are the names I hear...
As I walk through my streets in fear.
I go pick up my girl, Ann, but her daddy don't understand.
Naw--he won't answer the door. Why?
He thinks I'm--
...five-o.
I'm just a brother tryin' to get a little bit, y'know?
Yeah.
Yo, white boy!
Why do you wish to sit behind me on this bus...
White man motherfucker?
You better take two steps back. You're about to get dropped...
Ding-ding-- ...Next stop.
I'm walkin' now.
Hey, white boy, how dare you walk through my park?
You ain't from around here.
Leave him alone, Dee. He ain't hurtin' nobody.
Shut the fuck up, I'm talkin' to the white boy.
Pow! Pow! Stick! Stick!
Darkness... Fell upon da white boy.
Yo, white boy...
Wake up.
Yo, they fucked you up, white boy.
Fucked you up.
Cassandra, what you doin' talkin' to the white boy?
Leave him alone, he's mine. I found the white boy.
What are you gonna do? Kick his ass here in front of the liquor store?
Pow-pow! Stick-stick!
And-- darkness-s-s...
Fell upon... Da white boy.
Fire, pain, my people.
Slain... But my tears--
can't "flow like rain, flow like rain".
We cannot cry here.
And now, my girl... Don't love me no mo'.
So, I'm out the do'.
And, darkness...
Once again...
Fell upon the white boy.
It's dirty, man.
( Applause )
Okay, we have winners!
Third place... $250 dollars.
Whoop! Paper!
...goes to...
Stokely Ungawa, for, "I be a real black man".
( Applause )
Second place...
$350 dollars.
I need that money... Lord, I need the money.
And the prize money goes to...
Milk money, here we come...
Ling ling Liebwovaski, for, "why, why, why, why, why?"
Great, ling ling.
The winner-- is you, Derrick!
Give me the loot!
I'm so proud of you.
We won, Chris. We won!
Oh, hell, no! We didn't win.
What is that, a big dick statue?
It's an east African artifact.
Oh, Ann... I love it.
I was just wondering if...
Maybe I could, um... Please...
Please, see you later?
You can call me later.
Use the telephone, Derrick.
All right. Well--
okay. I'll check you out later.
Thanks, y'all. I love it.
( Applause )
Damn dick statue.
We won!
Whatever, man.
At least your girl's coming around. That's dope.
That is dope. It's all about stickin' to it.
I mean, you gotta follow them and shit.
What's a restraining order? A piece of paper?
Derrick: I ain't scared of a piece of paper.
I'll kick the paper's ass, 'cause I...
Derrick: My dick statue!
My motherfuckin' tooth!
I'm gonna kill y'all motherfuckers!
You killed cosmo.
No, I didn't...
- You killed his ass, man. - Shut the fuck up.
Derrick: You shut the fuck up. You killed him.
Excuse me, sir...
This is very hard for me to part with
but, if you'd like to buy an antique?
"Antique"?
Looks like a dick statue to me.
No, no, no...
Brother man, you don't understand.
This is an antique, man! African warrior!
I've got your "African warrior" right here.
But when's the last time your "African warrior" stood up like this?
Fuck you-- we got Viagra now!
"Vee-Agra"?
Try the porn shop down the street.
Man, this is some bullshit. I won this in a poetry contest.
I was givin' it my all. I won first prize...
I was like, "white boy, cracker..."
Get out of here. The porn shop.
Chris: "Why? Why?"
Shut the fuck up.
I told y'all I was going to kill y'all motherfuckers.
Come on.
( Click )
Settle down.
Let's have those guns, s-s-stranger.
Derrick: You shouldn't be tryin' to kill people.
Hey, do you guys have dogs--?
Man: My little pigs in a blanket, all lined up for daddy.
I like to play racketball... Yes, I do.
Shop owner: Gag the white boy.
Yes!
Derrick: Hold up, now.
You can still let us go.
Oh, sweetie, it's okay.
The only place you're going to is ass-land.
Now, suck on this.
That's it. What's that?
( Anxious garbling )
Oh, you're an Aries? Nice.
Well, I'm a Capri-sorn.
Cowboy... Get down here.
You keep an eye on this tasty little treat.
We're gonna take these little treats...
Into the s-s-secret room.
Yes! Come on!
Have a salad--jeesus!
Don't be afraid to do a sit-up once in a while.
( Disco music playing )
Man: Maestro...? Yes!
All right, boys, hi.
Hi, boys. Hungry?
Daddy's hungry for some love.
How about some snacks? Yes!
Lovely snacks in the back.
Yes, lookit...
From snack king, I have some lovely snacks
for a snack queen. Yes, I do.
Some little fruities, and also sugar cookies.
Yes, I love sugar cookies!
Yes, and all of a sudden... Ohhh--!
Oops! Where'd they go?
Someone's gonna have to go get those...Hot.
( Howling ) Oww-ww!
Oh, mama--!
Help--!
Loretha?
Derrick?
Oh, my God, girl!
How you doin'?
Look at you.
- You look good. - Thank you, baby.
I haven't seen you in like, years.
I know. What's goin' on?
Come on, let me catch up with you.
Little--San--dals!
These feel nice.
I wish we had these in the other room.
Yes! These are really excellent!
Yes, they are.
Say it, now... "Nice sandals, Sasquatch."
Say it!! You boys...
That's not good enough.
Don't make me mad...
I'll take my sandals off, and get my boots...
And go for a little hike up your ass.
That's right, say it. Say it!
Or you're gonna get an ass full of me. You say it.
Daddy's got some love butter, yes, he does...
Here it comes, here it comes, boys.
Daddy's gonna grease you up, now.
( Frenzied mumbling )
A little lubrication for you...
And for you, too.
The fun begins in just a minute.
Oh, my God, look at you!
You never heard about coo-coo?
Coco.
Coco! It was coco and coo-coo. I always used to call them up.
- But you look good, girl. - Thank you.
Look at you... Tattoos...
Wearin' your tight stuff.
I lost a little weight.
( Rip )
Smells like love. Yes!
That's right... Yes.
Nice, my little kernel.
Daddy's gonna butter you up so you pop big. That's right.
Lean back. Let me get the undercarriage.
Yes, that's nice, daddy.
Looks like you have enough cholesterol already.
Ooh, yes...Nice.
Where's my statue of love?
One buttered dick statue, comin' up.
Everybody's good. Mama's good...
Shaquan, and Darryl, Kilolo, they're all good.
That's good, my mom's good...
My sister, everybody's doing good.
You still hangin' with what's his name?
That little short guy?
Oh, little stubby-ass Chris.
- Where is he? - He's...
Oh, my God--Chris!!
The statue of love.
Give it to 'em.
Yes, yes... Yes!
( Man gasps )
Yeah...
Aw, man...
Ow!
You are seriously sick, man.
You are s-s-seriously s-s-sick!
S-s-stop talking like me.
Easy, easy.
Back!
Kill this motherfucker--!
Don't kill him! Come on, man!
I'll butter your fuckin' muffin!
Go, go, go!
Be sensible.
Where's my shirt?
( Muffled scream )
Come on Chris, sop up some of that butter.
Here you go, s-s-seriously.
Don't you fuckin' touch me! Get the fuck off me!
What happened in there, man?
Nothin' happened in there. Nothin'!
You say something, I'll kick your ass!
Hello, sassafras!
Feeling lonely? Yes!
It's the fucking dick statue! It cursed us!
I'm going home.
Will you take me to the store, please? To get some milk?
I have something I need to take care of.
Fuck you!
Look at me--! I almost got raped!
You talkin' about some fuckin' milk?!
That's right, Chris, 'cause that's important to me...
And I saved your ass. I didn't have to go back...
But I'm your friend. I saved you.
I saved your ass. So take me to the store...
And get some milk so I can get back in my house.
Start the car. We are not cursed.
Start the damn car.
( Motor whines, fails )
( Cranking )
...cursed.
Everybody runs out of gas, Chris.
Shut up and keep pushing, motherfucker.
You had a bad day.
You crashed your car...
You swam in piss...
You almost got raped, but you gotta say to yourself...
"Everything's gonna be all right!"
We gonna be all right!
Fuck you!
( Siren )
Hey--hide the shit.
Derrick: How are you officers doing?
- How are you doin' today? - Doin' good, thank you.
Well, well... Looky what we got here.
Looks like the boy with the pretty little body.
A couple of two-bit pushers.
Told you we was cursed.
Goddamn Ann and the big dick statue.
Cop: Git in there, boy.
A little snug in there, boy?
( Laughing )
Ann--!
You are hurting me, officer.
I'm trying to come in here. So what, I got "two strikes"?
I want my apple, and I want my milk.
And the sandwich you're supposed to get. I know the routine, y'all.
This is some bullshit. I wasn't even drunk...
Point-oh-six blood alcohol. That's legal.
You were at two-point six. That's legally dead.
It don't matter, I wasn't drivin', I was pushin'.
You gonna give me a PUI?
You're being charged with public drunkenness.
You'll stay in here after you sleep it off.
That is, if you're able to sleep it off.
Can't believe I just killed a man...
Moments ago, with my bare hands.
You standin' in my spot.
I said, you standin' in my spot.
Kick the white motherfucker's ass!
( Angry commotion )
Kick his ass. Fuck him up for Rodney king...
Kill him for goddamn Kunta Kinte...
Kill him, kill the cracker...
"Why?"
Yo, man...
I'm gonna beat your fuckin' ass.
Dog... It's not your fault.
What the fuck you mean? What ain't my fault?
- It's not your fault. - You got to pay rent...
That's my spot... That's my spot...
It's not your fault, dog.
Look, you...
It's not your fault, man.
Derrick: I know... I know.
Hey, man, you--
I know, I know...
- Look, man-- - it's not your fault.
( Whimpering ) My father, he...
All I heard was, "it was your fault"...
( Sobbing )
Let it out, man...
( Bawling continues )
Dog, it definitely ain't your fault--
get your monkey ass off me, bitch!
Hey...
You seen Derrick?
I don't care if I ever see the good-for-nothing again.
I don't think he's good for nothing.
I like him.
But I sure hope Mr. cosmo didn't kill him.
Why does cosmo want to kill Derrick?
Because Derrick made me give Mr. cosmo back his drugs.
And he gave me his last $20 to take a taxicab home.
Derrick did that?
Yep, he's my only, and best friend.
I'm sorry, but...
Little boy, Derrick's in jail.
First of all...
I didn't stab nobody.
Homeboy just fell on my knife.
...22 times.
( All inmates: ) It's not your fault.
Yes, it is.
Man: Hey, that boy's high. Put him in solitary.
Hey, it's the father and son guards.
How y'all doin'?
You guys have the same barber?
Derrick: Raheem does my face.
One time, they put alcohol in the water...
It stung, whoo! I was like, "ouch".
Hello, this shit is stingin'. Ow, you're hurting me.
Hey stupid, I told you not to smoke too much.
Master!
You're not the master. Who are you?
The man next to "the master".
Who wishes to speak to the master?
It is I, Derrick Clemons.
The master won't speak to you.
Why not?
Because you ain't down.
I am down. How down do I gotta be?
I'm down on my ass, I'm down on my luck...
Got kicked out the house today...
My uncle fired my ass...
Enough! You must pass the worthiness test...
To speak to the master.
( Thunderclap )
What's up, y'all?
Now, for the first question.
What was the most popular Afro pick?
That supposed to stump me? The fist.
What was the second?
The black-green-red convertible one.
It folded up so you wouldn't poke no holes in your pocket.
It's the end of the month, you ain't got no money. What are you gonna eat?
Give me a little baloney, fry that up real quick, right?
But you gotta pop the bubble before you flip...
Otherwise it won't cook right on each side.
Put that with a little ketchup, and some wonder bread... That's good as a mug.
Made y'all hungry with that, didn't I?
All right, smart ass.
What was the most dramatic scene on television?
...when penny got burned with the iron?
- Let's get down to business. - That might have been a tie...
It was real sad when James died, remember?
"Damn-damn-damn!"
All right, it's time to play.
The sister you most want to sleep with.
You 'bout to lose this game...
Halle Berry... Or Jada?
Halle.
- Jada or Janet? - Janet.
Janet or Toni Braxton?
That's a tough one, but I gotta go with Toni.
Wise choice.
Toni, or the girls in TLC?
Motherfucker, are you the devil?
Choose!
Toni.
Judges...
( Thunder )
You are worthy.
Whoop!
You may speak to the master.
( "Atomic dog" plays )
How can I help you, my young--?
You're a white boy.
No, no, master, I'm just light skinded.
All my life I've been tryin' so hard to do the right thing.
All those around me are saying that I'm good for nothing.
They're all trippin'.
I'm beginning to think...
Maybe they're right, you know?
Has my life been for naught?
Can you...
Can you give me the answer, master?
No, I can't give you the answer.
But, I can guide you with the funk.
Word?
( Shuddering )
M-master...!
Dance.
* you've got to learn to help yourself *
* learn to roll, y'all
* don't need no one else
* shit happens
* get up... W-e-f-u-n-k *
* shit happens get up, try it again *
* we want some funk, we gotta have some funk *
* we gotta have some funk
* we want some funk
* we gotta have some funk
* we gotta have the funk
* we
* want
* some
* funk
we gotta have some funk *
* we gotta have some funk
* we want the funk
* we gotta have the funk
* funk 'em, just to see the look on their face *
* funk 'em
* just to see the look on their face *
* funk 'em, just to see the look on their face *
* oh, funk 'em, just to see the look on their face *
* funk 'em just to see the look on their face *
* you, too
oh, man! Get me down.
Cop: Out.
Shut up, stupid. We're being released.
Get your ass outta here.
Hey, you--! That's the guy...
Get your ass outta here!
You'll be back.
I'll keep it warm for ya.
- I was framed! - Shut up!
- Framed! - Shut up!
It's your fault, man. This is not right.
How are you doin'? Got another one, huh?
..Pig.
I smell bacon, don't you?
Officer, good day. Good work.
Anything weird happen to you in there?
No, but you got high, and they threw you in solitary.
No, no, I mean, like...
Anybody try to, like, "visit" you?
What do you mean?
Like, did somebody try to fuck me in the ass? No, man.
- Why are you so sensitive? - Why are you touching me?
You play too much-- quit, quit!
What happened in that basement?
Damn, you play too much!
I probably got two strikes-- get the hell off me!
Be proud of it. You got a nice one.
Get the hell off me.
Yo, ain't that your car?
Let's pull this Liz-ick quick. Help me get it back.
Are you still high?
You must be high. I'm through fuckin' with you.
You've been getting me in trouble all day over this milk money.
I'm done.
Chris, come on, man. I seen the light, dog.
I'm a changed man, all right?
Some things happened in there.
Uh-huh...
I understand for the first time in my life what I gotta do.
- It's clear, dog. - It's "clear"?
Good--later.
You ain't gonna help me?
Fine, be like that.
"Be aatch"!
Yes.
( Horn blows )
Twenty-five, fifty, seventy-five...
Gotcha!
( Barking )
Stupid-ass...
( Scratch )
Stupid-ass white boy. Plain old fuckin' stupid.
( Muttering )
- Kick in the money. - Break yourself right now.
Come on, hurry up.
What's up, man? What happened to you?
Long-ass story...
Jamol?
What's up, dog?
Your sister still work at "drug dealer beepers"?
No, homie. Who is "jamol"?
"Who is jamol"?
Derrick: Last time I checked...
I knew a "jamol Johnson" at 1911 H south Crenshaw.
( Gunfire )
That's a new hat, jamol!
Jamol...?
( Dramatic weeping )
Damn!
I'm gonna miss y'all, man.
Willie...
Nobody could hit the switches like your ass.
Whiskers...
You a bad motherfucker.
I'm not dead yet, motherfucker!
( Sirens )
Fuck!
I am done playing with the white man.
Yeah!
Violence is all that the white man understands.
Yes!
So, arm yourselves, brothers.
It is time for us now
to seek out whitey where he works...
And where he lives. Seek him out!
We have to go to the ski lodges...
The tanning salons...
Coffeehouses... And kill whitey.
Kill whitey! Whitey must die!
Die, die, die, die!
You mother fuckers!
How dare y'all have the "kill whitey" meeting...
And not invite me, y'all?
Huh?
How y'all think that makes me feel as a person?
Yeah, look away, Jesse...
Look your ass away, look away.
Who's the only one who supported your ass
when you wanted to open that paint your own pottery business?
- ...you did. - What?
- You did...! - "You did."
I did.
T.K., turn the damn gun the right way, man...
You gonna blow your homies up.
Who helped you carry the pies to the church picnic?
Oh, you definitely did.
'Twan, gene...
I helped you motherfuckers get in here.
Talkin' about, "help me out, I need your vote, Derrick."
You lucky I don't tell them what's really goin' on with y'all.
Whose idea was it to have a snack table?
Yours.
I came up with that idea.
Whose idea was it to have the "kill whitey" bingo night?
Yours.
How do y'all think that makes me feel as a person?
Shame on all y'all!
I need to borrow this. Is that cool?
Anything.
Would you do me one last solid?
Sure, man.
( Meeting resumes ) Kill whitey! Whitey must die!
Mom and dad are always busy with their work...
Never have time for me.
Well, mom and dad...
Hope you can make it to the funeral.
Hey man...!
What the hell you doin'?!
( Bang )
I said, what the hell you doin'?
I was gonna kill myself.
Why, "Urk"?
Nobody ever has time for me.
My dad won't even hang out with me.
Only on Sundays. If he has time.
I wish I could see my daddies.
Even for one Sunday.
- Why can't you? - 'Cause they're dead, "Urk".
My first daddy blew up.
How?
He was building a bomb in Ireland...
To blow up the Russians, 'cause they stole the land
a long time ago, and wouldn't give it back.
I thought that was England.
Where?
( Irish accent ) Why do ye have to do that here?
Where should I do it? Me fancy lab in Buckingham?
Don't smart off, horse's ass. Ye know what I mean.
Shh, woman!
Ireland needs to be free o' them English bastards.
And this is the only t'ing they'll understand.
Derrick: My childhood in northern Ireland
was carefree and fun.
I had plenty of toys to play with.
But my favorite thing to do was to fuck with the pigs.
I hated "the bacon" even then.
- The lad stole your helmet. - Ye little bastard, come back!
Derrick: After I stole the helmet from "the man"...
I couldn't wait to get it home to my dad.
He always liked surprises.
Freeze!
My bad.
I'm going to America.
My next daddy was a kindly old sea captain.
- Shut up! - I'm going to America!
We had a great time on the way to America.
We would sing and dance, play games...
It was lots of fun.
He used to give me toys and presents.
One day, he was shooting fish for dinner.
I slipped and fell off the boat.
You know what, "Urk"? I never found out what he caught.
But my next daddy was a fisherman.
And he caught me!
And he took me to live in Compton, where we are now.
Red snapper.
It's hard, sometimes, you know?
The answers...
They ain't always gonna be right in front of you, "G".
Sometimes, you gotta look around a little bit...
And find things, you know?
I learned a lot today, that it's about the struggle.
And I learned that I gotta do what I say I'm gonna do...
And that I gotta be a man.
That's what's important to me.
You're learning things, too.
Derrick, I ran away.
I wanna go home.
How long have you been a runaway?
Two weeks.
Okay...
Okay, let-- hey, now, come on...
Get off me... Hey...
You'll get me arrested.
I'm gonna call the police...
I want you to stay right here until they come, okay?
It's all good, "G".
Charles: Derrick?
It's all good.
You know it is, "G".
All good.
Yeah, 911?
I want to report a runaway kid.
He's over at 43rd place, the park.
My name? Oh, no... You don't need my name.
I know how that works...
Try to be a good citizen, and give you information...
I leave my name...
Next thing you know, brother's a suspect.
Oh, yeah? What about the time you told me I won super bowl tickets...
And I got nothing but handcuffs and fruit punch?
Okay, let's play it like that.
Why don't you just... Say goodbye?
Yo, dog! Stay there, don't--
that's the guy who stole my camera!
Hey, y'all, what's happenin'?
Nice cars, nice tint.
My homeboy does tint for free. He'll--oh, shit...
Ann!
- Look at you. - Hello, Mrs. Clemons.
What are you doing here?
I came to talk to you about Derrick.
Has he been acting kinda strange lately?
What kinda "strange"?
I don't know, like... Responsible?
Girl, come in, we need to talk. You know I put him out.
- No... - Um-hmm!
( Kung-fu sound effects )
Yo, yo...
Back the fuck up. I got this.
Just make sure you kick his ass!
You lucky, motherfucker.
I'm sorry, dog.
We was gonna go back for you, we tried...
( Whimpering )
It's okay...
Just gimme a hug.
Let's just bond. I wanna bond with you.
It's okay. I'm here for you.
Hug me, hug me.
Hurry up, sweetie. Scurry over to my s-s-scooter.
Just stop it.
I'll be with you in s-seventeen s-seconds.
Cool your engines, Jesus.
One...Two...
Thank you, Derrick. You're so sweet.
Coming, sweetie.
Let's go to San Diego for the Streisand concert.
Bye, Derrick.
( Chanting ) Kill whitey, kill whitey...
Kill whitey!
Mama: Derrick, is that you?
Yes, mama.
- Are you all right? - Yes, mama.
- Are you sure? - Oh, yeah, mama.
What happened to you?
You know, same old-same old...
Just another day in the hood.
I got something for you. Would you like to see it ?
M-m-milk! Milk, mama!
M-I-...
Milk!
Right there!
You said I couldn't do it... But I did it, didn't I, mama?
( Singing ) I won the bet with my ma-ma...
Oh, Derrick... Stop it.
Humph... This is whole milk.
You know we don't drink nothing but nonfat.
Mama, hold up.
You ain't gonna kick me out, are you?
I should.
But your uncle called and told me
about the brave thing you did with that gangster.
And Ann told me what you did for that little boy.
Ann called?
No, she's here. I'm having her over for dinner.
Ann...?
Hello.
Ann...
Girl, I didn't think I was ever gonna see you again.
Shh.
I've been thinking, Derrick.
And...
If you don't mind. Maybe...
You and I can... Try to work things out?
Oh, my God. That's all I ever wanted.
That's why I've been hanging out in the bushes and stalking you and stuff.
I'm gonna make you so happy, I'm gonna take you places...
I'll buy you things...
I'll buy you the rest of that sweater...
Just shut up and kiss me.
Who let all these flies in here?
( Constant chatter )
Mama: Derrick, say grace.
Shut up, Tiki.
Lord, thank you for this food we are about to eat...
Thank you that we can all be together as a family.
God bless daddy, and my other daddy--
mama: Amen.
But, mama... I wasn't even done.
( Bickering resumes )
Derrick?
That's the little boy that you helped today.
( TV ) After several weeks of being a runaway...
Young Charles is safe with his family.
Tiki, turn that up. I want to hear what they say.
Now, this was a well-publicized case...
Partly because of the reward, $500,000.
( All gasp )
There was a man who called the 911 operator...
But he didn't leave his name.
According to my son he helped him a great deal.
That's why I'm trying to locate him...
So that I can see that he gets his reward.
( More gasping )
Can you tell more about the man so that we can find him?
We're gonna be rich!
He called me, "little gay Urkel"...
He do look like a little gay Urkel, though.
He told me everything would be all right...
And it was all good.
Aw, baby. I'm so proud of you.
Can you tell us what this man looked like?
We're gonna be rich!
I can't see very well...
But I think he had a hat on. And his name was Derrick.
( Yelps and screams )
And...
And he was a black guy!
That's why it's over!
( Yelling )
Derrick: Every day begins and ends the exact same way for me.
Only, this day was a little bit better...
'Cause I found Charles' daddy and told him the whole story.
He decided I wasn't bright enough
to think up a story that crazy.
Now, I've got the money
and opened up my paint your own pottery business all over the hood.
And you know what? It's all good.
God-damn, ho'.
It's about time you got here, motherfucker.
Next time your mouth opens,
I want you quoting a price, or sucking a dick.
Damn, you look like you been in a car wreck.
I can't be sellin' this pie lookin' like that.
You couldn't sell crack to an ass.
Watch out now. Look at you...
You're supposed to be in cars, not chasing them.
This is how you tell a real pimp.
A real pimp, when he's talkin' always moves his hands...
So he can show his jewelry.
'Cause ho's like shiny shit.
Talkin' to one there, and one there...
A fake pimp, though...
You can tell a fake pimp.
A fake pimp's always laughing at shit that ain't funny. You know...
Whoo!
This is bullshit, okay?
Ho's ain't ho's like they used to be.
Ho's used to be the shit!
I remember ho's used to stay in bed so long...
You had to teach them how to walk again.
A real pimp never buys his ho' no watch.
'Cause the ho' don't know what time it is.
It's time to make some money, ho'!
Ha, ha, ha...
That's all.