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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Coming this winter: actors
who don't look familiar
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in shows you're pretty sure
you've never heard of
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on networks you've
definitely never heard of.
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First, it's The Marriage Man
on Geego Audience Prime Plus.
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Then Frenemy on Goldstar.
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And don't forget The
J. Tory Hampton Show on Traxx.
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Lump Monkeys on Forge.
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Comeuppance on LFR America.
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Tattle Babies on Blitz Kids.
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And Snapchatters on Perspire.
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Who's watching them? Probably no one.
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Are they comedies or dramas?
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We're not even sure.
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Turn your office watercooler
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into a modern-day Tower of Babel.
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- The Marriage Man!
- Lump Monkeys!
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- The J. Tory Hampton Show!
- Lump Monkeys!
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Gay Paree!
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TV: What a mess.
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Hi, everybody.
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You know how I've been dieting
like a maniac the last couple weeks?
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Aw, damn it, that means
we're having people over.
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We're having people over!
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I just got off the phone with my mom,
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and all the Pewterschmidts are
coming here for Thanksgiving.
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I can't believe
you invited the whole family.
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You know I hate big Thanksgivings.
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Don't worry, Peter, it's gonna be fun.
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And I can handle
most of the prep myself.
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I just need you to go to the market
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and get some extra napkins.
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- That's not so bad.
- Oh. Pick up some wine for the adults.
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I can do that.
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A-And put the extra leaf
in the dining room table.
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(BLEEP)
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Oh, stop it. It's so simple.
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Yeah, right. That table
ain't been opened in five years.
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It'll be fine. Just don't drink
while you do it.
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And for God's sake, don't lose
your temper with Chris.
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All right, one, two, three.
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Hup!
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One more time.
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Hup!
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Okay, all right, bend the knees.
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Let's give it a good pull.
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Hup!
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Yeah, I think one side is stuck.
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Do you, son? Okay, on three.
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One, two, three.
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Hup!
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Hup! Hup!
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Hup! Hup! Hup!
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I think it's still stuck.
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Oh, is that right?
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Lot of narration.
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It's like opening a table
with Ken Burns.
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Um, why don't you go easy on that stuff?
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This "stuff" is
the only thing stopping you
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from getting
so karate-chopped right now.
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Okay, big pull, on three.
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All right, one, two, three.
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Hup!
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It's this one side, it's just stuck.
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I know it's stuck!
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Everyone sees it's stuck!
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Are there voices you're hearing
shouting, "It's not stuck"?
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'Cause if you hear any argument
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from anybody who says it isn't stuck,
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you send them to me, and I will
so karate-chop them in the face!
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Got it?!
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I'm not sure that that's...
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What?! What aren't you sure about?
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Hup!
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Hup! Hup! Hup!
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Hey, Chris. Table looks stuck.
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Oh, really?
"Sky blue," says star witness.
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You know what's crazy
about this time of year?
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Everything is pumpkin spice.
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We all follow your Twitter feed, Joe.
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God, Thanksgiving
is such a pain in the ass.
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I hate hosting.
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I hear you, Peter.
I hate Thanksgiving, too.
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Bonnie's sister is married
to a real show-off.
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Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.
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- Wendell.
- Joseph.
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It's just Joe. I think you know that.
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My Thanksgiving's also a nightmare.
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Donna's cousins are two-thirds
of Tony! Toni! Toné!
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- Which ones?
- The "E" and the "I."
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Aw, no Tony with a "Y."
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That is correct.
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We lack the alpha Tony.
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Well, at least you guys
celebrate with your families.
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Last year I spent Thanksgiving
with my old blow-up sex dolls.
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Here you go, Carla.
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See? We can do other things together.
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How's the turkey? I made it myself.
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Oh, don't look so surprised.
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Ah. Someone's getting sleepy.
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Must be the tryptophan.
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I'll put a pot of coffee on.
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Janet, coffee? Carla, coffee?
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Dina, coffee? Sasha, coffee?
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Dad, coffee?
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I wish I had given you
more siblings, Glenn.
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You know, sometimes I envy
the guys in the town jail.
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They get a turkey dinner on Quahog
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and don't have the hassle
of hosting their families.
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Well, yeah, but they're in prison.
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Nah, jail isn't prison.
Prison is big and scary.
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Jail is just a sleeping deputy
with keys that can be grabbed
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by a long broom handle
or a mischievous dog.
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Do black people ever go to jail?
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No. They go to prison.
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Well, maybe going to jail
is what we should do.
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- Peter, that's ridiculous.
- H-H-Hear me out, hear me out.
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We'll commit a small crime
and get put in jail for a couple days.
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- That's insane!
- Peter, Peter, you're crazy!
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- Ridiculous!
- Lump Monkeys!
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- Have you lost your mind?
- Lump Monkeys!
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All right, Joe,
there's chaos at the top.
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Time to step up and be the leader
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- of this group of friends.
- Lump Monkeys!
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Guys, what if we all go to Vermont?
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Let's just do Peter's thing.
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Okay, if we want to get arrested,
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the best way to do it is
to get caught on the Ring app
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stealing people's packages.
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I forgot to steal the package.
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I think this is probably enough.
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00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,307
I don't know exactly what this is,
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but this... this is crime.
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Swanson!
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Police Superintendent Chalmers.
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My brother is superintendent
of the schools in Springfield.
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Our parents divorced
when we were very young.
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00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,488
I was raised entirely by our mother,
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00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:05,739
he by our father.
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We've never met.
There's a lot of backstory.
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And you four are under arrest.
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I can't believe the plan worked.
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Here we are, the city jail.
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What's going on? Why aren't we stopping?
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You guys think you're the
first ones to have this idea?
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The jail's already full of dads
getting out of Thanksgiving.
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Well, if we're not going to Quahog jail,
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where are we going?
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The only place where
there's room for the weekend:
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the state penitentiary.
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You guys thinking what I'm thinking?
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Wacky mug shot montage.
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Hey, uh, are my friends coming?
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No, they're all calling lawyers.
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You used your one call on
this party photo booth guy.
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Eh, we'll see who has
more fun this weekend.
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Yeah, it just doesn't seem right.
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We're in here,
and everyone on Wall Street
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is free as a bird.
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Joe, now is not the time for
your bland political musings.
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This sucks. The courts are
closed for Thanksgiving,
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which means we can't even
go before a judge till Monday.
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That's five whole days here.
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What the hell are we gonna do?
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Well, if we're congress,
we'll do nothing.
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All right, that one was sharp.
Good job, Joe.
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And you know, maybe-maybe prison
won't be so bad.
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Maybe we just got to
make the best of it.
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Like those guys over there. Look.
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They're playing leapfrog.
No one's jumping, though.
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And that guy in the back
definitely has to get up higher.
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Who taught these guys how to play?
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Peter, please stop watching it.
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Guys, I think we're in trouble here.
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Come on, we're gonna be fine.
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Joe, you should be
more terrified than any of us.
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What if someone figures out
you're a cop?
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It's not gonna happen.
I spent years undercover.
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I'm a master of disguise.
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00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:02,940
What? You're in a wheelchair.
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00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,692
You can't disguise yourself as anything.
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Is that so, Dad?
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00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:09,405
Chris? But that's impossible.
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00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,532
I've seen Chris standing up many times.
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Have you?
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00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:15,369
Hey, Chris, I got two tickets
for the Sox.
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- Want to go?
- You got it, Dad.
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00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,207
Oh, charley horse.
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00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,875
Oh, another charley horse, huh?
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00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,252
Well, you sit tight, Chris.
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00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:25,422
I can just take Joe's
brother-in-law Wendell.
201
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,798
Christopher.
202
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:31,428
It's just Chris. I think you know that.
203
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,809
The conjugal visit room is being used.
204
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,728
So, does your foot reach?
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00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,896
Peter, enough. You ruined Thanksgiving.
206
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:45,275
I have to host 20 people by myself.
207
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,943
- You smoke now?
- Yeah.
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00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:49,319
I have a husband in prison.
209
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,197
That's who smokes, genius.
210
00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,119
Stewie, why do you look like
1976 Elton John?
211
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,912
I'm trying to keep a low profile.
212
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,789
You know that old sitcom premise
213
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,750
where the kid has two dates to the prom?
214
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,168
Well, I, um...
215
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:07,796
I may sorta, kinda be engaged
to four prisoners.
216
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,631
You're what? Stewie, that's crazy.
217
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,425
Oh, relax, Brian,
I'm just humoring them.
218
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:12,509
It's not serious.
219
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:14,136
Stewie, don't forget,
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00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,679
we're meeting DJs tomorrow.
221
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,765
Sure thing, Clint.
222
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,516
His mother thinks it's her wedding.
223
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:20,809
But we'll see.
224
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:22,352
How did you even meet these guys?
225
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,104
Easily. They were my pen pals.
226
00:09:24,105 --> 00:09:25,647
You have prison pen pals?
227
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:27,357
Yes. A lot of people write prisoners.
228
00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,693
Even Hollywood celebrity Kal Penn.
229
00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:31,320
Kal Penn writes a prisoner?
230
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,280
Yeah. Ken. Lives in California.
231
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:35,282
You've never heard of
Kal Penn's pen pal Ken
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00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:36,492
in the Cal pen?
233
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,202
How could I possibly
have heard of Kal Penn's
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00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,453
pen pal Ken in the Cal pen?
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00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,038
Through this song.
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00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:43,457
♪ Well, I do get a yen
every now and then ♪
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00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:45,459
♪ To pick up a pen,
like my pal Kal Penn ♪
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00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,085
♪ And a note I will send
every now and again ♪
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00:09:47,086 --> 00:09:49,588
♪ To my pal Big Ben
who is locked in the pen ♪
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00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,381
♪ 'Cause he beat up some men
and he got five to ten ♪
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00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:52,716
♪ And he'll do it again ♪
242
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:53,717
♪ Dah, dah, dah-dah-dah ♪
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00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,010
♪ Kal Penn. ♪
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00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,054
- Who was that for?
- What are you talking about?
245
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:58,597
Phil Spector's in this prison.
246
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,892
Kid, I know talent and shooting
waitresses in the mouth,
247
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,352
and you've got talent.
248
00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:04,982
We're gonna make a record.
249
00:10:19,202 --> 00:10:21,787
God, every crevice
of this prison is terrifying.
250
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,205
Eh, it's not so bad.
251
00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:25,499
I made one-eye contact with Bill Cosby.
252
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,334
Well, well, well.
253
00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:30,087
Three "wells" is never a good sign.
254
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,838
- I think you guys have our lunches.
- Called it.
255
00:10:32,839 --> 00:10:34,675
Uh, sorry, sir.
We don't want any trouble.
256
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,593
Yeah, we-we'll sit somewhere else.
257
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:38,262
Come on, guys,
let's avoid confrontation.
258
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:39,555
And whatever happens,
259
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,598
let's make sure
we're not goaded into fights
260
00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,725
by simple playground taunts.
261
00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:46,563
Damn. I was hoping for chicken.
262
00:10:47,564 --> 00:10:51,233
Nobody calls me chicken.
263
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,111
Peter, no!
264
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,614
Aw, damn it, I lost a front tooth.
265
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,700
Well, hopefully in the prison yearbook
266
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,744
I'll just look
like a cute kindergartner.
267
00:11:04,914 --> 00:11:07,870
Mad Dog, next time, I'm asking
268
00:11:07,871 --> 00:11:10,288
for the "top bunk".
269
00:11:10,289 --> 00:11:13,091
LOL. Love Pete.
270
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:18,802
I'm starving.
271
00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,304
We haven't eaten since we got here.
272
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,598
That's 'cause other prisoners
keep taking our meals.
273
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,433
And God knows what else
they're gonna do to us.
274
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:25,934
We have three more days here,
275
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,603
and we're not gonna survive
three more minutes.
276
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,062
That's 'cause you don't have a gang
277
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:30,939
- to protect you.
- A gang?
278
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,983
Yeah, when you're in a gang,
no one will mess with you.
279
00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:34,819
That's why everyone joins one.
280
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:36,153
I used to be in a gang.
281
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,238
It was called the Republican party.
282
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:40,487
Our friend is very political.
283
00:11:40,488 --> 00:11:42,409
So, how do we get
into one of these gangs?
284
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,494
Actually, you guys showed up
at the perfect time.
285
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,330
Tomorrow is the start
of Prison Rush Week.
286
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,290
Get in one, and you're home free.
287
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:50,125
That's a great idea!
288
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,546
Let's celebrate by pretentiously
analyzing some prison wine.
289
00:11:56,633 --> 00:12:00,469
Okay, I'm getting notes of, um...
290
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,472
uh, well, feces.
291
00:12:12,813 --> 00:12:14,691
Man, getting in a gang
292
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,276
is gonna be harder than I thought.
293
00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,070
Speak for yourself, Peter.
294
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,863
What gang is this?
295
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,198
We're the Not Cops.
296
00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:24,284
We're all definitely not cops.
297
00:12:24,285 --> 00:12:25,869
So you think firemen are cool?
298
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:29,081
Firemen cook spaghetti.
299
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,541
And I think y'all know who I joined.
300
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:33,377
Are you now Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland?
301
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,712
I am Kareem Abdul-Jableeveland.
302
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:37,798
Hey, you know Muslims
can't drink alcohol, right?
303
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,842
I am Cleveland "Hurricane" Carter.
304
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,220
Well, Quagmire,
guess it's just you and me now.
305
00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:45,347
Sorry, Peter, I'm in MS-13.
306
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:47,057
- What? How?
- It was easy.
307
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,393
- I said I was loco.
- Loco!
308
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,019
- Si.
- Muy loco.
309
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,479
Well, I can be loco.
310
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,398
I have a teardrop tattoo on my cheek.
311
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:55,691
Where? I don't see it.
312
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:56,901
Not-not that cheek.
313
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,237
Peter, that's
an unwiped watermelon seed.
314
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,823
- Loco?
- No. No loco.
315
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,784
Hey, Peter,
is that your baby over there?
316
00:13:07,708 --> 00:13:10,247
We want fun. We want upbeat.
And for our dance,
317
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:12,708
we want "You Belong with Me"
by Taylor Swift.
318
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:15,210
Great, great. I also have
some more classic options,
319
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,546
- like "At Last."
- Okay.
320
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:21,258
So... so, what I need
is someone I can work with.
321
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:23,845
Can you be that person?
322
00:13:28,682 --> 00:13:30,726
There you guys are.
I haven't seen you all day.
323
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,020
Me and the Not Cops
were watching Die Hard
324
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,771
and not commenting
325
00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:37,024
on the believability of the police work.
326
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,568
Could John McClane
really foil a giant heist
327
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:41,778
outside his jurisdiction,
then just walk away
328
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:43,447
and do zero paperwork?
329
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,782
We don't know or care,
'cause we're not cops.
330
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,617
And I got my law degree.
331
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:50,954
I am now Cleveland J. Roman J. Israel,
332
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,540
and I will be wearing
wine-colored suits.
333
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,917
- You look crazy.
- Well, in his defense,
334
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:58,128
the movie was set in the '70s,
wasn't it?
335
00:13:58,129 --> 00:13:59,629
No, it's modern-day.
336
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,133
Oh, my stars.
337
00:14:01,134 --> 00:14:03,133
All right, everyone, that's lanch.
338
00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:06,037
I mean, lunch. Sorry, it's my first day.
339
00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:08,466
This sucks.
340
00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:10,482
Everyone's eating lanch but me.
341
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,141
I'm never gonna find a gang.
342
00:14:12,142 --> 00:14:14,311
Hey. You look like
you could use a friend.
343
00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:16,938
Well, let's just say in prison,
344
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,232
this guy comes off.
345
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:21,443
I meant my gang.
We're looking for members.
346
00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:23,779
- I-I bet you'd fit right in.
- Really?
347
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,238
You only have to do one thing first.
348
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:26,990
As the new white guy in prison,
349
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,951
you have to shiv the new black guy.
350
00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:34,748
Oh, you guys are that kind of gang.
351
00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:36,204
This is prison.
352
00:14:36,205 --> 00:14:37,957
No one survives on their own.
353
00:14:37,958 --> 00:14:40,501
So it's either him or you.
354
00:14:40,502 --> 00:14:42,339
Man, I don't want to hurt Cleveland.
355
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,925
But I don't want to die.
And it would be nice
356
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,636
to have people to go
to Smash Mouth concerts with.
357
00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,638
Wait, you guys go
to Smash Mouth concerts, right?
358
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:52,934
We're Nazis, Peter. We like Smash Mouth.
359
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,359
Come on, there's got to be a way
you'll let me in the gang
360
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,819
without shivving Cleveland.
361
00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,321
Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
There was this prison movie,
362
00:15:06,322 --> 00:15:08,156
and-and there was this guy
who wanted to win over
363
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,117
the other prisoners,
and you know what he did?
364
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:12,786
He ate seven eggs. It was amazing.
365
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,121
So, you bring me seven
366
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,039
or some other reasonable amount
of eggs...
367
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,624
Peter, I know it's 50 eggs.
368
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,167
Ah, you're a film buff.
369
00:15:19,168 --> 00:15:22,879
Yeah. Before this, I was
in the USC directors program.
370
00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,214
Well, if you can call it that.
371
00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:25,841
You think you're learning about film,
372
00:15:25,842 --> 00:15:28,635
but, really, you're getting
a degree in politics.
373
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,387
I know,
everything is so political.
374
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,722
So political. Best advice I ever got:
375
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:35,016
whatever business you think you work in,
376
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,309
you really work in sales.
377
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,311
Because you're always selling yourself.
378
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,313
Yeah, wow, that is... that is good.
379
00:15:40,314 --> 00:15:42,899
- You are smart.
- Well, I didn't say it.
380
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,401
- I'm just repeating it.
- Well, still,
381
00:15:44,402 --> 00:15:45,861
y-you recognized its value.
382
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,655
That-That's not nothing.
383
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,742
Well, we're so happy you're all here.
384
00:15:52,743 --> 00:15:54,411
We thought it might be fun
385
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:57,247
to kick things off
with a game of Heads Up!
386
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:58,915
- Daddy, do you want to start?
- No.
387
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,750
You just hold this up to your head,
388
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:03,920
and then we're gonna give you
clues to help you guess it.
389
00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,672
I only like games with sticks.
390
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,174
Okay, ready?
391
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,634
Go.
392
00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:11,970
Okay. It's a show.
393
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,054
Annie Get Your Gun.
394
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:14,181
No, it's on TV.
395
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:16,707
Oh. Poirot?
396
00:16:16,708 --> 00:16:18,521
What is that? I've never heard of that.
397
00:16:18,522 --> 00:16:21,104
Uh, it's a Belgian detective on PBS.
398
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:22,480
We just love it.
399
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:25,567
It's about seven castaways.
There's a professor
400
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,736
a-and a millionaire a-and a movie star.
401
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:28,737
- Poirot!
- No.
402
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:30,197
We already said it's not Poirot.
403
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,532
It's about people who took
a three-hour tour.
404
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,117
No, it's not.
It's about a Belgian detective.
405
00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:35,368
It's on PBS.
406
00:16:35,369 --> 00:16:38,205
The title character is played
by Bob Denver.
407
00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:40,707
- It's pronounced "David Suchet."
- Who's that?
408
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,710
- I'm gonna guess Poirot.
- It's not Poirot!
409
00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:45,338
Damn it, just pass!
410
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:49,424
Okay, this is a movie...
411
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,301
Roman J. Israel, Esq.
412
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:52,553
Yay!
413
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:07,317
Come on, Peter, it's him or you.
414
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,402
And-and he's not so great.
415
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:10,737
Don't forget, he's the one who told you
416
00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,489
all those Schoolhouse Rock! Spoilers.
417
00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,574
I had no idea
that bill would become a law.
418
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:16,117
Sorry, Peter.
419
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,577
My gang said I wasn't really loco
420
00:17:17,578 --> 00:17:18,995
unless I shivved someone,
421
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:21,748
and you're the one guy
without gang protection, so...
422
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,291
Sorry, Quagmire.
423
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:25,961
As a Not Cop, I have to shiv
a guy in the Latin gang
424
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:28,171
and then blame it on Cleve...
425
00:17:28,172 --> 00:17:30,131
No one made me do this.
426
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:33,052
I'm just sick of your overt racism.
427
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:37,305
Guys, guys, stop.
428
00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:39,015
Stop. Look at us.
429
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:41,518
We're shivving each other
on Thanksgiving.
430
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,353
Oh, wait, no one shivved Cleveland.
431
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,189
But what are we doing?
432
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:47,440
What are all of us doing?
433
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,651
Fighting in here amongst ourselves
434
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:51,987
while Brooks is out there
waiting for all of us,
435
00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,154
bagging groceries,
436
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:55,448
adapting to this new world seamlessly...
437
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:56,783
Brooks hung himself.
438
00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,159
Oh, my stars.
439
00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,703
The point is, in life,
440
00:17:59,704 --> 00:18:02,539
you need to be thankful
for what you have.
441
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:05,744
I wasn't, and it got me in here.
442
00:18:05,745 --> 00:18:09,655
I let down my family,
especially my wife.
443
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,470
I just wish she was here
so I could tell her I'm sorry.
444
00:18:12,471 --> 00:18:14,077
I am here, Peter.
445
00:18:14,078 --> 00:18:16,511
Not now, prison ladyboy
who talks like my wife
446
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:17,887
to please me sexually.
447
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,890
No, Peter, we're here.
448
00:18:21,390 --> 00:18:23,737
Lois! What are you doing here?
449
00:18:23,738 --> 00:18:25,747
I thought you were having
Thanksgiving with your parents.
450
00:18:25,748 --> 00:18:27,897
Chris got caught
watching cousin Katie pee,
451
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,482
so that kind of ended things.
452
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:31,401
Well, I wanted to get caught. That's...
453
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:33,153
It's part of it.
454
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:36,364
And the truth is, Peter,
we're not a family without you.
455
00:18:36,365 --> 00:18:38,189
Can you ever forgive me?
456
00:18:38,190 --> 00:18:40,491
Of course I can, Peter.
457
00:18:40,492 --> 00:18:43,413
- Hi, Peter.
- Who's your little friend?
458
00:18:43,414 --> 00:18:44,748
Not now, Prison Lois.
459
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:46,457
So it's over?
460
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,002
And what was Venice?
461
00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:49,744
Same thing it always was, babe:
462
00:18:49,745 --> 00:18:51,921
a dream we both wanted to believe.
463
00:18:54,928 --> 00:18:57,969
- Peter, who was that?
- Not now, Front-Sex Lois.
464
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,555
The important thing is,
my days of selfishness
465
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,776
and red-wig twinks are over.
466
00:19:02,777 --> 00:19:04,893
I'm ready to come home with you.
467
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:06,995
But, Peter,
you're in here till next week.
468
00:19:06,996 --> 00:19:08,772
Not anymore.
469
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,451
Hi, I'm the warden
470
00:19:10,452 --> 00:19:12,275
and definitely not a psychotic prisoner
471
00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:14,844
who just stabbed the warden
and stole his clothes.
472
00:19:14,845 --> 00:19:17,072
Shh, shh!
Everyone, the warden's talking.
473
00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,282
By the rules of prison
and The Love Boat,
474
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:20,784
you've made up,
475
00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:24,544
which means you get to leave
wiser and happier.
476
00:19:35,153 --> 00:19:36,853
I love you, Lois.
477
00:19:36,854 --> 00:19:38,386
I love you, Peter.
478
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:44,791
Hey, Lois, one day, let's go to Venice.
479
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:48,104
- You promise?
- I said it, didn't I?
480
00:19:49,145 --> 00:19:50,676
Donna!
481
00:19:50,677 --> 00:19:52,774
- Bonnie!
- Sex doll!
482
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:55,819
Oh, yeah!
483
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:58,614
All right, guys, settle down.
484
00:20:04,829 --> 00:20:07,080
Well, we're certainly glad
to have you home, Peter,
485
00:20:07,081 --> 00:20:08,623
but I hope you learned your lesson.
486
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,785
I learned a hard lesson, Lois.
487
00:20:10,786 --> 00:20:12,253
But it's not all bad.
488
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,087
I got to make a license plate
for our car
489
00:20:14,088 --> 00:20:17,019
- that says "butthole."
- Isn't that too many letters?
490
00:20:17,020 --> 00:20:19,335
Excellent question, Chris,
and yes, it is.
491
00:20:19,336 --> 00:20:22,011
But I took off a "T"
and the "E" at the end.
492
00:20:22,012 --> 00:20:23,732
I felt that was the right way to go.
493
00:20:23,733 --> 00:20:25,724
Trust me, people will get it.
494
00:20:27,139 --> 00:20:28,560
What's buthol?
495
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,687
- That's not how you say it.
- Yeah, I've heard of buthol.
496
00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:32,355
It's some kind of alternative fuel.
497
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,732
You're ruining a smart joke.
498
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,192
Ladies and gentlemen,
499
00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:38,736
please welcome, for the first time,
500
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:40,780
Mr. and Mrs. Clint Beltran!
501
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:47,913
♪ At last... ♪
502
00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:50,874
Hey!
503
00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:52,501
You were right.
504
00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:54,498
♪ My love ♪
505
00:20:54,499 --> 00:20:57,006
♪ Has come along. ♪