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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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MAN (ON TV): We now return to
LEGO Spotlight.
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("YAKETY SAX" PLAYING)
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I'm not sure we should be
letting Stewie watch this.
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It's LEGO. It's fine.
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- Yeah, you're right.
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
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Well, that's my train.
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Time to disappear
from this life completely.
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No, no, Peter. It's just Chris
practicing his new recorder.
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What? I said no hobbies.
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Brian, that LEGO movie
kind of scared me.
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Ah, don't worry about it,
Stewie. It's all make-believe.
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- ("YAKETY SAX" PLAYS)
- Ah! LEGO! LEGO!
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(PLAYING HIGH-PITCHED NOTE REPEATEDLY)
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Chris, stop! That sounds terrible.
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Yeah, you can't just play
one note over and over.
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You're not Danny McBride.
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Who taught you to play like that?
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Well, our music teacher quit
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and was replaced by a back-East bird.
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(BIRD WHISTLES TWO NOTES)
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(STUDENTS PLAY SAME NOTES)
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(BIRD WHISTLES SAME NOTES)
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(STUDENTS PLAY SAME NOTES)
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(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
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See you tomorrow, Mr. Mason.
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(BIRD WHISTLES SAME NOTES)
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Well, I'm gonna have to talk to
Principal Shepherd about this.
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Great. Every kid loves seeing their mom
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inside their high school.
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I'm sorry, but music
is an important part
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of your education.
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Your mother's right, Chris.
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You don't want to mess this up,
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like Skee-Io messed up his wishes.
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Uh, I wish I was a little bit
taller, I wish I was a baller,
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I wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat.
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(MAGICAL CHIMING)
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- Skee-Io?!
- What?
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You need money!
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(TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYING)
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You wanted to see me, Mrs. Griffin?
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Um, yes, to discuss the music program.
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Right! Right, of course.
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Sorry. I was just testing
these... candles
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for a... lie I can't...
think of right now. (PANTING)
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Now, what's this forgettable
misunderstanding all about?
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Uh, my son is being taught by a bird.
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- Ah. Ms. Wilkins.
- No, Mr. Mason.
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Right. Lot of open windows
in this school.
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You need a real music teacher.
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I'm a trained piano player, and
I've taught lessons for years.
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I'd love to come work for you.
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You would?
Well, that changes everything.
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I'm not gonna have sex with you.
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I know. I just farted.
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So, everyone,
I have an announcement to make.
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I'm gonna be the new
music teacher at Adam West High.
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- What?
- Please say you're joking.
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I'm not joking. I start Monday.
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My wife, a music teacher?
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Hold on. That's a marriage time-out.
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I... I think Dad did this wrong.
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Yeah, aren't-aren't we supposed
to be the frozen ones?
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- Dad's a loser.
- Yeah, he sucks.
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- Stop it.
- Why? He can't hear us.
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PETER: But I could hear them.
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And it hurt.
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Turns out, if you're gonna learn
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how to stop time in wizard school,
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don't leave class early to be
the first in line for lunch.
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It was pizza day.
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And you'd think it's got
to be pretty good pizza,
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being made by a magic wand and whatnot.
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But it was just okay.
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I don't think
it was the usual guy making it.
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This has been a Peter Griffin
Marriage Time-Out.
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(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
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(CHATTER STOPS)
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Good morning, class.
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So... you know. (CHUCKLES)
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I'm your new music teacher,
Mrs. Griffin,
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and I started from the bottom.
Now I'm here.
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So... rap.
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(LAUGHTER)
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Oh, my God, you're so lame.
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I know you are, but what am I?
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Lame.
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Okay, we'll call that one a tie.
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Now, class, what is music to you?
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BOY: Nothing.
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Okay, Deaf Larry, we know
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music is nothing to you
and never will be.
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Who else? What is music to you?
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Stupid.
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Connie, you're just afraid,
so you lash out.
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I get you, because I was you.
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Headstrong, full of anger,
and a body that looked
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like it stepped
right out of Redbook magazine.
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- GIRL: Is that good?
- Yes, that's good.
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You don't know. Shut up.
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You were never me.
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Oh, no? Look down at your desk.
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"L.G."?
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Lois... Griffin.
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But-but weren't you
Lois Pewterschmidt back then?
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Meg, go to the principal's office.
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My desk also has "L.G." on it.
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- Mine, too.
- They all do!
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Okay, okay, I didn't know where
the troublemaker was gonna sit.
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Mr. Mason may have been a bird,
but at least he wasn't a liar.
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00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:09,518
Well, you better get used to me,
'cause Mr. Mason's gone.
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Sweetie, it's the middle
of the day. What happened?
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- (WHISTLES TWO NOTES)
- Oh, no.
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Well, I hope this doesn't affect
our plan to have eggs.
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(WHISTLES SAME NOTES)
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You wanted this to happen!
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So, Lois, how was
your first big day teaching?
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You pull a Mary Kay Letourneau?
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(LAUGHS)
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No, Peter.
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I didn't leave my family
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to have sex with a 12-year-old
boy named Vili Fualaau,
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get arrested for rape, give
birth to his child in prison,
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get out, get arrested again
for humping him in a car
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when he was 13,
have his second kid in jail,
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get out, get married to him,
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change my name
to Mary Kay Letourneau-Fualaau,
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live my life
as a disgraced sex offender,
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and then get dumped by him.
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(LAUGHING): No, I didn't do that.
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But I did have a little trouble
in Meg's class
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because of that brat Connie D'Amico.
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She's a classic,
entitled, mean-girl slut.
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Connie D'Amico? She stopped by
to see you yesterday.
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She did?! What'd she say?
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- She said you're gullible.
- And?
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Hmm, Connie D'Amico.
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The name sounds familiar.
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I better go check Meg's yearbook...
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Pages four, six, 11,
27, 41, 42 and 60...
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To see if it's the babe I'm thinking of.
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Lois, I'll take my dessert upstairs
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in the masturbation bathroom.
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(SIGHS) Maybe I'm not cut out
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to teach high school kids.
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I thought I could handle their nonsense,
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but I just kind of froze today
with Connie.
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- Yeah, hang it up.
- You gave it a day.
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That's nonsense, Lois.
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You just have to be more
of an authority figure.
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If Connie gets out of line again,
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don't be afraid to show her who's boss.
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Like I did with those squirrels.
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- (SQUIRRELS CHITTERING)
- Hey, neighborinos.
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Um, so, not a huge deal,
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but if you guys could keep
your chittering down,
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I'm trying to get
some writing done in the house.
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Oh, yeah, yeah, no-no problem, bro.
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Also, maybe you could go (BLEEP)
your own face, huh?
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Could that be good?
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- (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah!
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(CHUCKLES)
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(CHUCKING): Oh. Okay.
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All right, thanks, guys.
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Stewie? What are you doing here?
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I followed you into your cutaway
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because I didn't believe
you showed anyone who's boss.
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And I was right.
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Did you get a sleeve tattoo
of Freddie Mercury?
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Yeah, it's a cutaway.
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(PLAYING LIGHT CHORD PROGRESSIONS)
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I know some of you kids think
this class has nothing to do
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with your day-to-day lives,
but you couldn't be more wrong.
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Music tells the story of our lives.
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00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,790
For example, this morning,
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I woke up and saw it was a sunny day.
187
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(PLAYS GRIEG'S "MORNING MOOD")
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Then I had some tea.
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(PLAYS "EAST ASIAN RIFF")
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Which was from China.
191
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On my way out the door, the
kitty cat ran across my piano.
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(PLAYS DISSONANT, DESCENDING NOTES)
193
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Get off of there, kitty cat!
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(LAUGHS)
195
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,148
Then I drove to work.
196
00:08:03,149 --> 00:08:04,943
(PLAYS RAPID, UPBEAT MELODY)
197
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,320
But then, I hit some traffic...
198
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,990
(PLAYS OMINOUS STING)
199
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,409
that was caused by a parade.
200
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:16,078
(PLAYS SOUSA'S
"THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER")
201
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,663
For gay rights.
202
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,290
(PLAYS "THE STARS AND STRIPES
FOREVER" IN HIGH OCTAVE)
203
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,835
And finally, I got to school early
204
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,838
and diarrhea'd
in the girls' locker room.
205
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,632
(PLAYS SUSTAINED LOW NOTE)
206
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The end.
207
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,135
You suck!
208
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:32,302
Aah!
209
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:35,639
(LAUGHTER)
210
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,516
That's it, Connie!
211
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:39,310
To the principal's office. Now!
212
00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:47,358
Okay. For the rest of the class,
I will wait for the bell.
213
00:08:47,359 --> 00:08:48,652
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
214
00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:50,904
And then I will suddenly talk
much louder and faster
215
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,489
as you're heading out the door.
216
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:55,034
Okay, and remember, there's
a quiz a week from Wednesday!
217
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,827
- (STUDENTS GASPING)
- BOY: Oh, no.
218
00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:58,704
Good. That means you heard me.
219
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:02,000
This is how Hollywood thinks
school teachers talk.
220
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:07,671
Connie, I've asked Mrs. Griffin
to be here
221
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:09,840
since it was her class you disrupted.
222
00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:13,218
And I'm sorry to say, this is
your third strike this year.
223
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:15,012
According to school policy,
224
00:09:15,013 --> 00:09:17,264
three strikes means you're expelled.
225
00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,265
- What?!
- Principal Shepherd,
226
00:09:19,266 --> 00:09:21,060
I'm not sure that's necessary.
227
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,145
I'm sorry. I've made my decision.
228
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:25,397
Now, if you ladies don't mind
stepping out,
229
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,441
I have to reprimand Danny McBride next.
230
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,735
Mr. McBride,
do you know why you're here?
231
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:33,697
Yeah, maybe because I'm awesome,
and you're a gay homosexual,
232
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,407
and also the word "Jet Ski" a lot?
233
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,909
(GRUNTING)
234
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,537
(CHUCKLING):
Yeah, you know why you're here.
235
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,212
Ugh. I feel kind of bad
about getting Connie expelled.
236
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:49,922
But maybe this'll make her realize
237
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,007
she needs to be
more respectful to others.
238
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:54,009
Eh, probably not. She's really hot.
239
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,260
(PHONE VIBRATES)
240
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,929
Hey, Lois, I just got an invite
241
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,680
for a Facebook group you started called
242
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,350
"Keep Harriet Tubman
Off the 20-Dollar Bill."
243
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,811
What? I haven't even been
on Facebook today.
244
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:06,522
Wow. Your profile pic is now
just the word "veterans"
245
00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,899
with a circle and a line through it.
246
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:11,485
I mean, that's the way I feel
about ghosts, but veterans?
247
00:10:11,486 --> 00:10:13,612
Mom, this is Connie getting back at you.
248
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,280
It's called "cyberbullying."
249
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:18,117
(SCOFFS) Cyberbullying? Me?
250
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,995
By the way, Vili Fualaau
is now a DJ in Seattle.
251
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:24,081
Boy, Connie must really mean business.
252
00:10:24,082 --> 00:10:26,750
Like an Armenian kid in a candy store.
253
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:29,086
Hey, little boy, can I help you?
254
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,712
Yes, I wish to buy business
255
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:33,340
and turn into car wash.
256
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,343
(CHILDREN SHOUTING IN DISTANCE)
257
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,971
(WOMEN CHUCKLE)
258
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:42,225
We had no idea
you'd switched teams, Lois.
259
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,439
Ugh. Damn it, Connie.
260
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,482
No, it's just a nasty prank.
261
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,234
What's so nasty about it?
262
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:53,986
(CHUCKLES): I mean, nothing.
263
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,571
I-I'm fine with it.
264
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,614
Okay, well, if you're so fine with it,
265
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,116
what are you doing Friday night?
266
00:10:59,117 --> 00:11:01,451
Oh, um...
267
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,663
Mmm. So, I got
my blacksmith certification.
268
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,416
- I can make axes now.
- Oh.
269
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,376
You in the market for an ax?
270
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,503
I'll keep this on the D.I. Hughley,
271
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,883
but your next date should be
with Christ.
272
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:20,929
Lois, are you using the Elmo toothbrush,
273
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,432
- which is mine?
- Oh, sorry, Peter.
274
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:26,185
I've just been so distracted
with this whole Connie thing.
275
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,944
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
276
00:11:27,945 --> 00:11:30,355
So, Connie made you mistake
a monster's face
277
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:31,732
for the words "Oral-B."
278
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,192
Come on, Peter, I'm serious.
279
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,693
This is a real problem.
280
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,111
Well, if she's really ruining your life,
281
00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,696
go down to the station and talk to Joe.
282
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,781
Yeah, I thought of that,
but I hate competing
283
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:43,076
with the sound of ringing phones
and typewriter keys.
284
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:44,203
- (PHONES RINGING, KEYS CLACKING)
- And she hacked
285
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,371
- all my Internet accounts.
- What?
286
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:49,333
Connie! I think she hacked my Twitter!
287
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,335
Well, without any hard evidence, Lois,
288
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,545
I'm afraid there's nothing we can do!
289
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,798
Fine! I knew this would be
a waste of time!
290
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:59,551
Okay, fellas, she's gone!
291
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,094
(RINGING AND CLACKING STOP)
292
00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:03,555
I'd like to report somebody
using the wrong toothbrush.
293
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,224
Have a seat, sir. Tell me everything.
294
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,393
Okay. You know Elmo, right?
295
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:14,316
Hmm, I'm not seeing
any Viva brand paper towels.
296
00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:16,902
- That's the only brand I use.
- Uh, sounds good.
297
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:19,780
I'm gonna go see what new stuff
they're turning into milk.
298
00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:22,074
Oh, wood milk!
299
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:25,619
Hey, that woman has
all the Viva brand paper towels.
300
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,829
E-Excuse me, miss,
301
00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:31,125
could I have one of those
Viva brand paper towel rolls?
302
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:35,712
- (GASPS)
- Oh, so sorry.
303
00:12:35,713 --> 00:12:38,758
I need them all
for the big mess you've made.
304
00:12:38,759 --> 00:12:40,842
Hey, Lois, do we need
any jeans milk at home?
305
00:12:40,843 --> 00:12:43,345
Oh, hey, Connie. Nice shopping outfit.
306
00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:44,596
Come on, Connie.
307
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,223
It's the only brand I use.
308
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:49,518
I need it to pat down bacon
and let Meg suck the wad.
309
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:50,936
Too bad, bitch.
310
00:12:50,937 --> 00:12:52,897
(SCANNER BEEPS)
311
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,492
- (BEEPS)
- There we go.
312
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,786
I know it's been you cyberbullying me.
313
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,288
I didn't mean to get you expelled,
314
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:10,956
but now I'm glad I did.
315
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,417
You're a very disrespectful young lady.
316
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,085
At least I'll have a paper towel
317
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,337
with the power to take on any spill.
318
00:13:17,338 --> 00:13:18,588
Okay, that's it.
319
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,215
You'll pay for this, Connie!
320
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:23,635
You better watch your step.
321
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,054
(GASPING AND MURMURING)
322
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,768
Ah, darn it. I couldn't open
my camera in time.
323
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:33,979
Oh, you can just text me yours.
324
00:13:33,980 --> 00:13:36,774
I'm not texting you. I don't know you.
325
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,945
Peter, I'm exhausted.
326
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,739
I can't even think of making dinner.
327
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,324
Well, I didn't hear what you just said,
328
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,992
but what's the dinner situation?
329
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,910
♪ ♪
330
00:13:48,911 --> 00:13:51,747
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
transitioning into my sad voice
331
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,415
for the death of a white girl.
332
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:56,168
Local white girl Connie D'Amico
died at the scene
333
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,337
of an automobile accident
earlier tonight,
334
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:01,465
the brake lines of Connie's
Celica apparently cut.
335
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,800
Oh, my God. How horrible!
336
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,802
(EXHALES)
Can you imagine being the shovel
337
00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:08,972
that gets to scrape that ass
off the road?
338
00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:11,433
Eh, maybe in my next life.
339
00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:12,477
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
340
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,646
Lois Griffin, I'm sorry,
but you're under arrest.
341
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:19,316
I'm gonna have to take you down
to the station.
342
00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,984
On what charge?
343
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,778
We've got you on grocery store video
344
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:24,321
threatening Connie D'Amico.
345
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,198
You're under arrest for her murder.
346
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,574
What?!
347
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:31,119
Guys, my mom was arrested
for Connie's murder.
348
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,038
No quiz!
349
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:34,499
(ALL CHEERING)
350
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,884
Joe, this is ridiculous.
351
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,677
There's no way Lois killed Connie.
352
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:49,346
There's just too much evidence
against her.
353
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:50,931
I got to take her in.
354
00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:53,364
So, what, I'm supposed to be
a guy without a wife now?
355
00:14:53,365 --> 00:14:56,211
What am I supposed to do,
whatever I want whenever I want?
356
00:14:56,212 --> 00:14:58,230
I'm gonna get crow's-feet
from smiling too much.
357
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,565
Sorry, Peter. It's gonna be
quite an adjustment.
358
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:03,026
Seriously, who's gonna greet me
in a shapeless sweatshirt
359
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,028
- when I come home?
- Meg, maybe.
360
00:15:05,029 --> 00:15:07,572
Who's gonna slap a tarantula
of shampoo hair
361
00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:08,907
on the wall of the shower?
362
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,367
It's the little things you miss.
363
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:12,661
Who's gonna go, "Ooh! Ooh!
Careful!" while I'm parking?
364
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,163
Sometimes this is
the hardest part of my job.
365
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:18,041
Who's gonna fill up my DVR
with lady judge programs?
366
00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:19,501
I-I don't make the rules.
367
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:22,003
Oh, and I suppose now I'll have
to start every road trip
368
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:24,506
- with a full tank of gas?
- I took an oath, Peter.
369
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:26,842
What am I supposed to do?
Masturbate comfortably in bed?
370
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,218
The law's the law.
371
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,595
And I guess I'm gonna have to be
on time to every party
372
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:33,014
- and stay real late?
- Yeah, why do they do that?
373
00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:35,225
And so long, Handmaid's Tale, I guess.
374
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,018
Two or three more jokes, Peter.
375
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:38,353
So long, This Is Us.
376
00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:39,521
Last one, maybe.
377
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,398
So long, seeing my dining room.
378
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:42,774
You got a stronger one to end on?
379
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,235
So long, bitchy 2:00 a.m. blanket pulls.
380
00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,611
Ah, there we go.
381
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,240
(BLEEP), Peter.
382
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,409
What am I supposed to do now, Brian?
383
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:54,369
Whatever I want whenever I want?
384
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,704
Yeah, I was right here
when you were doing that.
385
00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:58,623
Oh. I-I didn't hear your laugh.
386
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,710
I'm more of a smile guy.
387
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,631
Peter, we have got to prove
Lois is innocent.
388
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:08,550
That's right. And the best way to crack
389
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,469
any high-profile crime case
390
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:13,555
is to do a podcast
before you have all the facts.
391
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:15,432
- Okay.
- And the key to any podcast
392
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,268
is poor sound quality
and tons of commercials.
393
00:16:18,269 --> 00:16:19,895
All right, we've got Lois
calling in from prison.
394
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,646
She's only got three minutes.
395
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,648
LOIS (STATICKY): Thanks
for looking at my case, guys.
396
00:16:23,649 --> 00:16:25,567
You bet, Lois. My first question is...
397
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,319
do you get a good night's sleep?
398
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,405
No, 'cause I'm in prison,
and my cellmate is bipolar.
399
00:16:30,406 --> 00:16:32,491
Well, if you get a Casper mattress now,
400
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,159
you have a hundred days to decide
401
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,619
if it's the right mattress for you.
402
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,329
Peter, I don't have time for this.
403
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,331
I don't have time
for underwear that bunches up.
404
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,000
That's why I wear MeUndies.
Perfect underwear
405
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,752
for hanging yourself in your jail cell.
406
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:46,505
Can we talk about the case?
I have 30 seconds
407
00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:49,007
before they haul me off
to the freaking cafeteria.
408
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,926
Sounds like you could use Blue Apron.
409
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,512
Have you ever wanted to receive
a vegetable in the mail?
410
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,096
Then you need Blue Apron.
411
00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:56,973
I'm, like, obsessed with the stir-fry.
412
00:16:56,974 --> 00:16:59,142
Brian here likes the Moroccan beef.
413
00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:02,062
I-I have no opinion
on the Moroccan beef, Peter.
414
00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:04,147
Brian, this is not art.
This is commerce.
415
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:06,695
Peter, before I go, I need a new lawyer.
416
00:17:06,696 --> 00:17:08,527
This one made a sexual pass at me.
417
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,029
Oh, boy. Everyone knows
hiring is a nightmare.
418
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,522
At least it was before ZipRecruiter.
419
00:17:13,523 --> 00:17:16,201
Ziprecruiter: We vastly overestimate
420
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:19,705
how many podcast listeners are
in a position to hire someone.
421
00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:24,668
Okay, Brian,
let's go through Lois's drawers
422
00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:27,045
and look for clues.
If you find any, let me know.
423
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:29,172
And if you find
the yo-yo she took from me,
424
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,882
definitely let me know.
425
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,050
Stupid Lois.
426
00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,986
I'm not gonna use it in the house.
427
00:17:33,987 --> 00:17:35,512
The Wendy's employee gave it to me
428
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,097
if I promised to calm down.
429
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:38,348
Peter, this is a dead end.
430
00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:40,600
All I see here is your Nerf gun
from last summer.
431
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:42,978
Oh, no way. She said I lost that.
432
00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:45,272
She deserves to be in jail.
433
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:46,356
PETER: Hey!
434
00:17:46,357 --> 00:17:48,024
Suck on that, Lois!
435
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,151
That was very close to my eyes, Peter.
436
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,820
It wasn't close to your eye.
437
00:17:51,821 --> 00:17:54,991
- That's why I took it.
- It was so far from your eye.
438
00:17:58,327 --> 00:17:59,494
What are we doing here?
439
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,371
Connie never went to the Drunken Clam.
440
00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:03,873
Doesn't matter. Everybody knows
the way you solve a murder
441
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:06,042
is to ask a barkeep
if he knows anything.
442
00:18:06,043 --> 00:18:07,836
When he says no, you turn around,
443
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,589
and then he says "wait"
and gives you an important clue.
444
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,425
Hey, Jerome, do you know
anything about Connie's death?
445
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:16,011
No, man. I've just been working here.
446
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:17,554
All right, Brian. Let's get out of here.
447
00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:19,598
- Peter, wait.
- Yes?
448
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:22,726
One of the waitresses says
you put her tip down her pants.
449
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:26,363
Huh. How long were you planning
to sit on that little nugget?
450
00:18:26,364 --> 00:18:27,564
You just did it.
451
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:28,690
Okay, Jerome.
452
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,219
If you remember anything else,
453
00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:32,656
here's my number.
454
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,774
Oh, and here's a nickel
for the watered-down beer.
455
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,827
Keep the change.
456
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,332
How are we gonna solve this case, Peter?
457
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:46,458
I've been thinking about that.
458
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,093
You're a dog, and I'm a man. Right?
459
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:50,612
So we're basically Scooby-Doo.
460
00:18:50,613 --> 00:18:52,464
- So, what are you saying?
- We go around town
461
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:55,467
and rip off faces
until we find the real killer.
462
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,052
Unless...
463
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,054
(SCREAMS)
464
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,847
Which can only mean...
465
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:02,349
(SCREAMS)
466
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:04,476
Twins? Guess again.
467
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,145
(BOTH SCREAM)
468
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,866
The newspaper is embarrassing me.
469
00:19:23,781 --> 00:19:26,310
Well, kids, we tried.
470
00:19:26,311 --> 00:19:28,083
I'm afraid your mother's a murderer.
471
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,168
No, Peter, I'm right here.
472
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,215
Lois, you escaped!
473
00:19:32,216 --> 00:19:33,630
Careful, kids. She killed before.
474
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:36,007
- She'll kill again.
- JOE: No, Peter, look wider.
475
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,759
We're all here.
476
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,344
Turns out Lois didn't kill anyone.
477
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,805
Connie D'Amico faked her own death.
478
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:43,306
- (ALL GASP)
- Gasp!
479
00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:46,184
We found Connie an hour ago
at a motel outside of town.
480
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,436
Turns out she put a pig in a blonde wig
481
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,263
behind the wheel of her car.
482
00:19:50,264 --> 00:19:53,274
I'm sorry, our coroner
has been pretty sloppy lately.
483
00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,777
She's been dealing
with some substance abuse.
484
00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:58,029
"She"? Interesting.
485
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,365
Anyway, Lois has been cleared
of all charges.
486
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:01,866
And what of the pig?
487
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,286
That was a very tough house call.
488
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,792
- Yes?
- Excuse me, folks.
489
00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,883
Do you have a daughter named Peppa?
490
00:20:12,884 --> 00:20:14,045
Yes.
491
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,507
You're gonna want to sit down.
492
00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:24,639
Well, Lois, I got to say,
493
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,391
it's great to have you home from prison.
494
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:27,851
Ah, it's great to be home.
495
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:29,394
Hey, I-I got to ask,
496
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,555
are-are you gonna stay
that jacked forever?
497
00:20:31,556 --> 00:20:33,165
I don't know. Do you like it?
498
00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:35,483
I-I-I do and I don't, you know?
499
00:20:35,484 --> 00:20:38,069
It-it was... it was nice
being held up against a wall,
500
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:41,364
but when you made me suck
the hairdryer, I-I...
501
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:42,782
I enjoyed it, I did,
502
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:45,702
but I-I don't want to do
that specific thing again.
503
00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:47,871
Well, that's too bad,
'cause I'm ready for round two.
504
00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,374
Just got to make sure
the kids don't come in.
505
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,086
- (WHIMPERS)
- Now no one can get in,
506
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,588
and no one can get out.
507
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,214
Hands on the headboard, chief.
508
00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,633
Yes, ma'am.