♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
Okay, kids, remember, it's Father's Day,
which is the one day a year
we have to pretend your dad's annoying habits
are charming quirks.
Here it comes, we get to watch him remove his mouth guard.
Good morning, family.
Let's see if I can break
the nine-inch saliva string record.
There it is, nine inches.
Peter, that's two inches.
Saliva starts at the taint, Lois.
You always measure from the wrong place.
-Brian? -Thank you.
I'll just take that to the nibbling corner.
BRIAN: Mmm. (moans with pleasure)
Happy Father's Day, Dad.
Okay, Peter, we have a special present for you this year.
We thought you could have the whole day
-to yourself... -Yes!
...to do the Father's Day scavenger hunt
I organized with the other wives.
No!
No! No!
What was that?
My inner Al Pacino.
Everybody has one.
-I don't. -Sure you do.
Since it's Father's Day,
you have to do that thing in bed with me tonight.
No!
Huh, son of a bitch.
Anyway, I thought a scavenger hunt would be fun.
Dads don't want fun on Father's Day.
They want to put their hand down their pants,
and watch a guy from a weird country
win a golf tournament.
Who's ready to scavenger hunt?
I'll be your guide today.
Hop on and, uh, please excuse the clutter.
I'm kind of Nomadland -ing it in this thing.
Can I move this bucket?
I wouldn't move or open any buckets.
Now, I'm gonna put on a microphone headset
even though I'm mere feet from you.
-(feedback whines) -Let's open that first clue
and start pedaling.
This is very hard.
Yeah, it's usually bachelorette parties on these things,
so they mostly run on "woos!"
"Kids grow up so fast.
"Luckily, we are there for them
"when they need that extra support.
This is where you bought Meg's first bra."
At Goodwill.
Oh, that's where I got Junior's first bra.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
A bunch of grabby fellas at the mall
thought he was... (sighs) Lizzo.
Did you really buy Meg's first bra here?
I didn't think they were allowed to sell
used underwear products.
They do, there's just a special way you have to ask.
-Hi. -Hi.
I'm looking for, um...
uh...
In a garbage bag behind the lamps.
Thank you.
I found it.
What's it say?
"Everybody's heard about this bird.
"The next clue can be found where he coops up.
But don't worry, I'm not talking about his coupons."
Sounds like the Giant Chicken's house.
This is where the Giant Chicken lives?
It's amazing.
How's he so rich?
His family got into the telecom game early.
They laid all the fiber from here to Barrington.
Chickens did that?
Quahog actually has five of the top 15
richest chickens in the world.
I did a whole episode about it on my podcast,
Joe's Gold: The Hidden Gems of Quahog.
I didn't know you had a podcast.
Well, you have to ask questions to get answers, Peter.
Or as I say to my listeners,
"Ask and you shall Joe-ceive."
Is that supposed to rhyme? Because it doesn't.
Hey, you're Joe from Joe's Gold.
That's right. You want an autograph?
No, I just want to say
your HelloFresh promo code doesn't work.
-Oh, did you type it in all caps? -Yes.
-Joe's Gold. All caps. -Yes.
It's got to be something on their end.
Hmm, I called them. They said it's your end.
And you did all caps?
♪ ♪
We have reached our final destination.
I do accept tips, and I also offer them:
Do not become a high school principal.
(panting): We made it, guys.
Looks like the last clue is on that fence over there.
"Congratulations on finishing
"your Father's Day scavenger hunt.
You have earned your big gift."
"You are now the proud sponsor
of a rescue sheep on the ranch..."
-Oh, no. -Happy Father's Day.
Where we going to dinner? "Baa-ja" Fresh?
I'll be keeping the sheep.
(wind blows)
♪ ♪
What the hell is he doing?
RANCH HAND: He's doing what he does every Father's Day.
Waiting to shoot his dad.
Every year he stands under that there clocktower
at high noon, waiting to duel his father, Old West,
who abandoned the family to become an outlaw.
It was a promise he made to himself when he was just a boy,
a promise his mother asked him to keep on her deathbed.
"Pain for pain," she said.
So, every year, Wild West waits right there
for his father to show,
but every year...
...his father never does.
His mouth is very wet.
Hmm. Well, if he's just waiting there,
now seems like a good time
to ask him some chit-chatty questions.
Hey. Hi.
Heard about your dad. Crazy stuff.
I don't have time for pleasantries.
Totally get it. Hey, you run a small business.
I'm looking for a new paper shredder.
I can never find one that lasts. Any recommendations?
Are you using lubricator sheets?
I've never heard of that.
Buy lubricator sheets. Use them every 500 pages.
Do you have a brand you use?
-Nuova. -Muova?
Nuova.
That's what I said. Muova.
It's Nuova with an "N."
-An "M?" -An "N."
N-N?
Just spell it? I'll write it down.
(groans) "N."
(gunshot)
♪ ♪
Hello, son.
Dad.
Fathers and sons
have one of the trickier relationships, historically.
We talk about that all the time on the pod.
Hey, you're Joe from Joe's Gold.
Guilty as charged.
Your HelloFresh promo code doesn't work.
We don't have any sponsors, I just made that up.
What kind of a man shoots another man
when he's not looking? You ambushed me.
A real man is always ready for an ambush.
Besides, I shot you in a limb.
That's how cowboys show affection.
The Chris Brown defense. Not great.
Are you sure you don't want us to call a doctor, Mayor West?
That wound looks pretty gnarly.
I got some Minions Band-Aids if you want.
Just not Stuart, or Bob.
(laughs) Kevin's kind of hilarious, too.
You know what, I rescind my Minions Band-Aid offer.
Look, son, I didn't come here to quarrel.
I came here to make things right.
You lost the right to make amends
the day you walked out on me and Ma.
Thankfully, Allen was there
to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives.
Now, Wild, I do not want your blood sugar to get too low,
so look what I brought you. A juice box.
Oh, look who's here. Hello, Old West.
Allen. I see you still got the Civic running.
Oh, yeah. You know, every year
the dealership calls, asking me if I want to trade up,
but I tell them I just need to get from "A" to "B,"
and I always do, thanks to "C."
(laughs)
You know, "C" is the Civic.
Right, I got that.
I think it's best if you leave.
Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Why? Do people get hit in the ass with it a lot?
It's just an expression.
Oh. I'm kind of worried about this door now, though.
Just leave.
(shouts)
Where did our bike go?
Sorry, it's gone. Sold it to a guy on Craigslist.
It looks like you got viciously assaulted.
Yeah. That's Craigslist.
How we gonna get back home?
I don't know, but I already bummed a ride with Allen.
Hey-hey-hey!
Hope you're okay with a little dog hair on the seats.
Oh, Allen, I'm okay with all kinds of hair.
Well, what are we supposed to do now?
I could give you a lift.
I'm already headed in that direction,
but I'm afraid we're gonna have to leave
your mangled man behind.
He'll only slow us down.
It'll be dark soon. You're gonna need this.
There's six bullets in there.
Five for prey, one for yourself.
We'll tell your wife you love her.
Nah, that's okay.
Well, here we are.
Peter, I was wondering if you'd maybe
let me set up camp here for the night?
Oh, boy. Nothing free is ever free.
Well, I don't see why not.
Let me go ask my wife if it's okay.
Hey, Lois, can my friend stay over tonight?
LOIS: What? Who?
PETER: My cowboy friend.
-LOIS: No. -Please?
LOIS: No. You can't keep coming home with things.
-PETER: I don't. -LOIS: This is the iguana all over again.
-This isn't the iguana. -I always end up
-having to take care of them. -His skin is very similar to the iguana,
-but it's not the iguana. -No.
PETER: Please? I think we could have fun.
LOIS: I don't care what you think.
The answer is no.
PETER: It's not fair. Please?
LOIS: I said, "No."
She said backyard's fine.
Now, I have to say,
I was a little hesitant to let you stay here,
but you've been a very considerate guest.
Every time I stand up, you stand,
take your hat off, and say, "Ma'am."
-Ma'am. -(Lois chuckles)
Ma...
-...am. -(Lois chuckles)
You know, I can't understand
why Mayor West wouldn't want you in his life.
-It's a long story. -STEWIE: How long?
My daddy was an outlaw,
just like his daddy, and his daddy before him.
STEWIE: "The end." Not so long.
They raised me to be the same.
After Wild was born, I...
I tried getting honest work.
Tried to go straight.
I auditioned for America's Got Talent,
but no one appreciates jumping in and out
of a spinning lasso anymore.
When that didn't work out,
I turned to the only life I knew:
robbing and stealing.
(horse whinnies)
Wild never forgave me for abandoning him.
How'd you get that scar on your face?
I got this scar working a heist.
A member of my posse got pinned down by gunfire
and I went back to save him.
When you work a job with someone,
you never leave another man behind.
You know what I think?
With a little domestication, you'd make a good dad.
Why don't you stay with us
and I can help you win your son back?
Oh, that sounds swell.
Mind if I shoot my pistol in the air to celebrate?
(exhales)
Oh, boy, this is gonna turn into a mess on Nextdoor.
(chimes)
(chiming)
Are you sure this whole getup is necessary, Peter?
I feel a little foolish.
It's the perfect dad uniform.
The free Marriott polo shirt
tells everyone that you're handsy when you're drunk,
the jean shorts say you're impotent,
and the sunglasses say you stormed the Capitol.
That was a peaceful protest.
Yeah, it's not like they were kneeling at a football game.
On a Sunday.
Anyway, now you look like a man who's ready to be a dad.
In fact, my son was having a problem
that maybe a good dad could help him solve.
There's a girl I like at school,
and I'm not sure if she likes me back.
Now here's what you should do:
You take out a hefty silver dollar,
and you drop it in her corset.
If it's meant to be, she'll accept you
in a room full of distractingly floral wallpaper.
If not, she'll stab you in the liver
with your own boot knife.
That's how I met my Pearl.
I think you're ready.
When Mayor West sees you now,
he's gonna know you're serious about being his dad.
Thank you for all your help, Peter.
You make a good partner,
and I want you to have something.
It's the dried hand
of a Paiute I found in the desert.
It's very important to me,
and now it's yours.
Is-is this a way to break some kind of curse on you?
You need to make the decision to take it.
Yeah, m-maybe just leave it on the ground.
It doesn't work like...
It'll just wind up back in my pocket.
Yeah, I'm gonna pass.
Well, looks like someone thinks
a shave and a haircut means he's a changed man.
Son, I don't know how much time I have left in this world.
Because of the cursed hand?
That does add to the stress.
I just want to make things right between us.
I don't buy it,
and I'm gonna do to you
what should have been done a long time ago.
(whistles)
(guns cocking)
You're under arrest for shooting the mayor.
You ambushed me.
A real man is always ready for an ambush.
And a man also knows how to get out of an ambush.
(whistles)
Hmm.
(video game gunshots and screams)
Don't you have to work today?
No, I work on Thursday.
Uh, dude? Today is Thursday.
Dang it.
(hoofbeats receding)
Forgot my phone.
(siren wailing)
I should have never listened to you, Peter.
If I had my gun, I would have gotten out of this.
I was only trying to help.
You want to help?
Take this Paiute hand and put it in a safe place.
Oh, okay, yeah, I can... Oh, wait a minute.
And I reckon you're pretty happy with yourself,
getting your father arrested like this.
I reckon you have no right to reckon about
what I'm reckoning about.
That's where you're wrong.
I reckon I can reckon about what I reckon please.
I reckon you should check yourself
before you reckon yourself.
I reckon you know I always come in like a reckon ball.
That Miley?
I reckon it is.
I don't agree with all the piercings and haircuts,
but she's got one hell of a voice.
A hell of a voice.
Joe, you can't arrest him.
He shot the mayor, Peter.
Plus, he's got multiple warrants in multiple states.
Yeah, I know, he really messed up. Like David Geffen.
What the hell was that?
Yeah, David Geffen paid us $10 million
not to do the cutaway.
Huh. Was it bad?
I'm not allowed to say as part of the settlement.
All I will say is from film, to music, to politics,
no one has been more influential than David Geffen.
What's the matter, Peter?
Ah, I don't know, I just feel bad
about what happened with Old West.
It's my fault he got arrested.
He's probably gonna die in jail
without ever making up with his son.
Well, I know how painful it is
to see a man you've known for 18 hours in distress,
but you've got to let it go, Peter.
I can't do that. Old West and I were partners,
and he taught me that when you work a job with someone,
you never leave a man behind.
We got to form a posse and break him out.
-I'm in. -Let's do this.
-Yeah. -ANNOUNCER: Next up for Clam Karaoke Night:
it's the "Glam Guys."
All right, let's go rock Wilson Phillips
and then do the posse thing.
Where's your horse?
It's very hard to get a horse last-minute.
You should have called last night.
I did. You all got the last horses.
The guy was totally overwhelmed on the phone.
He yelled at me.
All right, Peter, what's the plan?
I thought you guys were gonna have the plan.
I formed the posse.
Yeah, those usually go together.
All right, let's brainstorm.
How do we fool the police
into breaking someone out of a jail cell?
Trojan Bosch.
Oh, no way, Harry Bosch. My favorite TV cop.
I have so many questions for you.
How's L.A.? You ever meet Richard Dean Anderson?
He lives in L.A., right? Where does he live?
Um, hey, settle a bet for me, Bosch.
In all those scenes where you're in Italian restaurants,
is it true you're eating real spaghetti?
PETER: Shut up.
I knew it was real spaghetti.
All right, I'm gonna go get us some coffees.
You mind holding down the fort for a sec?
Thanks, Bosch.
Real spaghetti. Wow.
PETER: He's gone. Everybody out the black jeans door.
Straight flush. You got to strip.
PETER: What about tonight?
What?
Oh, did you say, "I'm never gonna get out of here?"
No, I was telling my horse to get naked.
Oh. Oh, well-well, we're breaking you out tonight.
I'm surprised you came back for me.
You taught me to never leave another man behind.
I didn't think you'd remember.
I associate you with guns, guns make me think of war,
Vietnam was a war,
and N.A.M. is "Never Abandon Man."
I-I don't need to hear the process.
Allen, you came.
Of course I did.
And I think margs are gonna be on you
after this adventure, huh?
I don't drink that (bleep).
Okay, we'll figure something out.
Everyone wanted to help.
We even got a member of your original posse to show up.
The Melanoma Kid.
(through electrolarynx): I wouldn't miss it...
(gasps)
...for the world.
That's a guy?
I thought it was a big autumn leaf.
Sorry, Bosch, we ran out of milk,
so I put in a dollop of cream cheese.
Had to stir a lot, so...
Tell me about your hooker mom.
What was that like?
What the hell happened in here, Bosch?
Wait a minute. Frozen expression,
painted-on clothes, open ass door.
We've been Trojan Bosched again.
♪ ♪
Looks like Daddy West is flying the coop again.
You keep eating apples like that, Caleb,
you're gonna get diarrhea.
I think we lost them.
Pretty sure my Chapstick fell out.
-Almost certain of it. -(gun cocks)
I'm gonna need you boys to turn right back around.
Mayor West, we broke him out for you.
Can't you see he wants to make things right?
There's only one person he's ever cared about,
and it's himself.
He's done walking out of towns consequence-free.
I knew once I broke out that I'd see you again.
Maybe I do deserve
to spend my remaining days in a jail cell.
And I'll let you take me,
but not until I say what I have to say.
Say it, then. Why'd you leave us?
Because if I stayed,
you would have grown up to be just like your father,
a lonely, loveless, no-good outlaw.
I wanted you to be a better man than I ever could be.
And look at you now. Tell me it didn't work.
("Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus playing)
♪ I came in like a wrecking ball... ♪
Aw, hell, Daddy.
Happy Father's Day.
I never want to see you again.
You never will.
Where you gonna go now?
I have another son in Utah
who wants to shoot me on the Fourth of July.
I'll probably head that way. So long.
Goodbye, Old West.
(horse whinnies)
♪ ♪
Well, I spy a group of guys
that could use a frosty mug of root beer at the A&W.
You know, Mayor West, you're pretty lucky
to have a stepdad like Allen.
Yeah. Aside from not believing in vaccines,
-he's a pretty cool guy. -Oh.
I sure am gonna miss Old West.
He taught me a lot about friendship
and what it means to be a dad.
Like what? What did he teach you?
I-I don't know. Cowboy stuff?
I didn't realize there was gonna be a quiz.
Well, it's probably time to hang this up, huh, Dad?
Yep, I suppose so.
LOIS: "The David Geffen Living Room?"
What... What is this?
Oh, the lawyers said since he gave us $10 million,
he's contractually entitled
to have his name on a part of the house.
That doesn't seem fair.
I know, such rich guy bull crap.
But we'll have to continue this conversation
on next week's episode of David Geffen's Family Guy.
-What? -David Geffen good night.