1 00:00:01,577 --> 00:00:04,728 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,747 --> 00:00:07,822 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,916 --> 00:00:11,418 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,404 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,423 --> 00:00:17,683 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,834 --> 00:00:21,336 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,929 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,082 --> 00:00:24,431 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:29,194 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:38,430 --> 00:00:40,447 Meg, the boys need the room. 11 00:00:40,599 --> 00:00:43,125 'Kay, one sec... 12 00:00:44,861 --> 00:00:45,936 Crap! 13 00:00:46,029 --> 00:00:47,788 Gene, they're coming. 14 00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:49,439 They're coming fast, Gene. 15 00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:51,608 Start recording, Gene. Gene! 16 00:00:51,701 --> 00:00:53,944 Chris, your mother and I divided all our stuff 17 00:00:54,113 --> 00:00:55,295 after a recent argument, 18 00:00:55,447 --> 00:00:57,705 and I came across something very special: 19 00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,892 the Nintendo NES. 20 00:01:01,287 --> 00:01:04,121 This is a day I've been waiting for for 30 years, 21 00:01:04,139 --> 00:01:06,623 and now, I get to share it with my son. 22 00:01:06,642 --> 00:01:09,717 Get ready for the greatest video game of all time, 23 00:01:09,812 --> 00:01:11,052 Donkey Kong. 24 00:01:11,146 --> 00:01:13,363 ('80s video game music playing) 25 00:01:15,134 --> 00:01:18,635 -This game sucks. -What are you talking about? 26 00:01:18,654 --> 00:01:21,413 Uh, what universe does this even take place in? 27 00:01:21,565 --> 00:01:23,824 Everything needs to take place in a universe. 28 00:01:23,976 --> 00:01:26,993 It's a warehouse with ladders where a monkey took a girl. 29 00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:29,162 What about the micro-transactions 30 00:01:29,315 --> 00:01:31,256 that slowly bankrupt our family? 31 00:01:31,483 --> 00:01:34,576 Or the children slinging racist taunts into your earpiece? 32 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,504 It has two buttons, and I have to look down when I press them. 33 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,080 Donkey Kong sucks. 34 00:01:39,174 --> 00:01:42,008 I could build the same game on our house. 35 00:01:42,161 --> 00:01:44,520 -(music stops) -Donkey Kong house? 36 00:01:48,334 --> 00:01:50,016 Sorry I put you in a dress, Stewie. 37 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,778 -We needed a damsel. -Hey, do I look upset? 38 00:01:52,929 --> 00:01:54,113 What do we got today? 39 00:01:54,340 --> 00:01:56,431 Looks like a Donkey Kong house. 40 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,283 (sighs) What a mess. 41 00:01:58,435 --> 00:02:00,527 -Want a beer? -Yes, sir. 42 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,287 -Is that a YETI? -It is. 43 00:02:02,439 --> 00:02:04,289 You mind if I talk about it for 45 minutes? 44 00:02:04,441 --> 00:02:06,199 Oh, I know I can't stop you. 45 00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:09,035 -('80s video game music playing) -Barrel. 46 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:12,339 Barrel. Barrel. 47 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,467 What is all this noise? 48 00:02:15,619 --> 00:02:18,028 I'm trying to buy everything on Amazon in here. 49 00:02:18,121 --> 00:02:19,263 PETER: Barrel. 50 00:02:20,290 --> 00:02:23,142 Ah! My foot. Oh, I think it's broken. 51 00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:24,977 Uh-oh. Next level. 52 00:02:25,128 --> 00:02:27,729 (imitates Donkey Kong sound effects) 53 00:02:33,212 --> 00:02:35,988 (sighs) The doctor said I'm gonna be laid up for a week, 54 00:02:36,139 --> 00:02:37,972 so you'll have to take care of the kids, 55 00:02:37,992 --> 00:02:40,159 but that'll give you some quality time 56 00:02:40,386 --> 00:02:42,219 with them, huh? Are you excited? 57 00:02:42,312 --> 00:02:43,978 No, and you know that. 58 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,647 Are you brushing with a grill brush? 59 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:49,059 I left my toothbrush at a hotel three years ago. 60 00:02:49,077 --> 00:02:51,003 Look, now, don't worry, it's just a week, 61 00:02:51,154 --> 00:02:53,154 and taking care of kids is not that hard. 62 00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:55,248 The Facebook status of every girl 63 00:02:55,401 --> 00:02:57,417 I went to high school with would disagree. 64 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,845 Plus, you know I'm not very good at taking care of things. 65 00:02:59,996 --> 00:03:01,922 Remember, I even lost custody of our orchid. 66 00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:04,382 Please, you can't take my baby. 67 00:03:04,535 --> 00:03:06,910 -How often did you water her? -Every day. 68 00:03:06,929 --> 00:03:09,262 -Every day? -I thought water was good. 69 00:03:09,415 --> 00:03:11,915 Not that much. What about sun? 70 00:03:11,934 --> 00:03:13,174 I put it in the front window. 71 00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:15,194 A western-facing window? 72 00:03:15,421 --> 00:03:19,180 That's direct, afternoon sunlight, you... monster! 73 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,682 It's not worth it, O'Malley. 74 00:03:20,743 --> 00:03:24,594 Why do these guys get to have one while me and Molly... 75 00:03:24,613 --> 00:03:28,114 -(sniffles) -Hey, it's gonna happen for you and Molly, I know it. 76 00:03:28,267 --> 00:03:29,449 Stress doesn't help. 77 00:03:29,601 --> 00:03:30,858 Why don't you guys come over tonight? 78 00:03:31,027 --> 00:03:32,285 We'll hang out on the patio. 79 00:03:32,362 --> 00:03:35,697 Yeah, okay. That sounds nice. 80 00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,031 Want me to bring anything? 81 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:39,033 How about the food and the drinks? 82 00:03:39,127 --> 00:03:42,429 That feels like everything, but okay. 83 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,727 Breakfast? 84 00:03:48,878 --> 00:03:50,395 You're supposed to make breakfast. 85 00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,064 Oh, right. 86 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:55,976 (groans) 87 00:03:56,128 --> 00:03:57,310 Maybe we should go out for food. 88 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,463 Having a little trouble this morning? 89 00:03:59,481 --> 00:04:00,647 No, no, I'm doing great. 90 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,483 Look, I already got Stewie and Brian changed. 91 00:04:03,635 --> 00:04:05,244 BOTH: Ow. 92 00:04:05,395 --> 00:04:08,396 Okay, maybe I'm having a little trouble, but I'm a dad. 93 00:04:08,474 --> 00:04:10,749 The only thing I know how to use is a Shop-Vac. 94 00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:12,918 I already made myself some toast, 95 00:04:13,069 --> 00:04:15,295 so I don't need your help. 96 00:04:16,999 --> 00:04:19,716 Dads need to eat first. 97 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,265 Get out. 98 00:04:26,374 --> 00:04:28,767 There's a grenade in here. 99 00:04:28,994 --> 00:04:30,102 Use it to get a better lunch. 100 00:04:30,329 --> 00:04:32,846 I got a sandwich in mine. 101 00:04:32,998 --> 00:04:35,348 You got the wrong bag. 102 00:04:35,517 --> 00:04:37,442 (sighs) 103 00:04:37,594 --> 00:04:39,736 Finally. 104 00:04:41,097 --> 00:04:43,699 Aw, crap, three kids. 105 00:04:49,865 --> 00:04:51,272 (grunts) 106 00:04:51,366 --> 00:04:53,333 (panting) 107 00:04:55,687 --> 00:04:58,130 I don't know what I'm supposed to bring in. 108 00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:02,192 You're doing a great job, Dad. 109 00:05:02,285 --> 00:05:04,878 -So cute. -#DanceLikeADad. 110 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:06,788 I'm waving to someone behind you. 111 00:05:06,882 --> 00:05:09,123 Wow, everybody's being so nice. 112 00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:11,201 Hey, we normally order at the counter, 113 00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:13,294 but it looks like you've got your hands full today. 114 00:05:13,463 --> 00:05:14,554 What can I get you? 115 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,297 Can you stuff a blueberry muffin into a cup 116 00:05:16,317 --> 00:05:17,816 and pour coffee all over it? 117 00:05:17,967 --> 00:05:21,486 Normally, no, but I can't say "no" to a super dad like you. 118 00:05:21,638 --> 00:05:23,822 Where's this little guy's mom? Is she coming in, too? 119 00:05:23,973 --> 00:05:24,990 No, she's not with us. 120 00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:27,217 Oh, my, she's dead? I'm so sorry. 121 00:05:27,310 --> 00:05:29,995 -Oh, actually... -Is there anything else I can bring you? 122 00:05:30,222 --> 00:05:32,164 We make a great homemade banana cream pie. 123 00:05:32,315 --> 00:05:33,332 It's on the house. 124 00:05:33,559 --> 00:05:35,575 Uh... yeah. 125 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,151 My wife is dead. 126 00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:38,411 I'll have that pie. 127 00:05:38,564 --> 00:05:40,897 -I'll bring it right away. -(sighs) 128 00:05:40,916 --> 00:05:42,749 -Is everything okay? -Uh... 129 00:05:42,901 --> 00:05:44,843 I'll never forget her last words, 130 00:05:45,070 --> 00:05:48,421 "Get free extra whipped cream on your Frappuccino." 131 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:51,516 It already comes with a lot of whipped cream. 132 00:05:51,668 --> 00:05:54,019 (crying): She was very specific about more. 133 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,177 There he is. 134 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,605 How's the week going as the solo dad? 135 00:06:05,757 --> 00:06:08,182 And how is Lois' foot? 136 00:06:08,276 --> 00:06:10,927 I'm not rooting for her to lose it, but... 137 00:06:10,946 --> 00:06:12,562 Are you guys about to talk about your kids? 138 00:06:12,564 --> 00:06:15,189 You said I can look at my phone when you talk about your kids. 139 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:18,043 This is the closest I've ever been to Mr. Quagmire. 140 00:06:18,194 --> 00:06:19,360 He's wearing makeup. 141 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:21,438 You know, I thought this week was gonna suck, 142 00:06:21,531 --> 00:06:24,457 but everywhere I go people are super helpful and nice. 143 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,218 That's because you're a dad alone. 144 00:06:26,445 --> 00:06:29,145 That's the closest thing people get to seeing a hero. 145 00:06:29,147 --> 00:06:30,780 It's right after wounded veteran 146 00:06:30,799 --> 00:06:32,206 or ugly person who sings well. 147 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:34,709 Totally. A mom alone with her kids is a mess, 148 00:06:34,803 --> 00:06:37,729 but when a woman sees a dad doing the same thing, 149 00:06:37,881 --> 00:06:39,456 total panty dropper. 150 00:06:39,474 --> 00:06:40,624 Ew, Joe. 151 00:06:40,717 --> 00:06:42,792 I've also been lying about Lois being dead 152 00:06:42,794 --> 00:06:43,902 to get free things. 153 00:06:44,053 --> 00:06:46,387 -Thoughts? -What kind of free things? 154 00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:47,239 Pie, mostly. 155 00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:48,798 -Good pie? -Homemade. 156 00:06:48,892 --> 00:06:50,575 That's better than regular-made. 157 00:06:50,652 --> 00:06:53,153 Bonnie lies about me being dead all the time. You're fine. 158 00:06:53,305 --> 00:06:56,322 Just as long as you share that pie with Kirby here. 159 00:06:56,475 --> 00:06:58,475 -Right, little guy? -Who's Kirby? 160 00:06:58,568 --> 00:07:00,902 -Your son. Kirby. -His name is Stewie. 161 00:07:00,996 --> 00:07:02,812 Huh. Looks like a Kirby. 162 00:07:02,906 --> 00:07:04,089 No one looks like a Kirby. 163 00:07:04,316 --> 00:07:08,135 You'll see. I've never been wrong about a Kirby. 164 00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:11,913 (bell rings) 165 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,040 Peter? Can you come up here? 166 00:07:14,192 --> 00:07:15,175 Need something, Lois? 167 00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,494 Oh, well, I just need the Apple TV remote. 168 00:07:17,512 --> 00:07:20,105 Well, I am great at fetch. (laughs) 169 00:07:20,332 --> 00:07:22,149 Just the remote, please. 170 00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:24,834 Whoa. Did you feel that? 171 00:07:24,928 --> 00:07:27,504 (chuckles) This isn't gonna turn into an English Patient 172 00:07:27,506 --> 00:07:29,339 -type of thing, is it? -What does that mean? 173 00:07:29,432 --> 00:07:31,432 You know, caregiver and patient. 174 00:07:31,526 --> 00:07:34,268 A strong bond develops. Intimacy. 175 00:07:34,362 --> 00:07:35,770 Oh, maybe. 176 00:07:35,864 --> 00:07:38,848 Our fingers did touch when you handed me that remote. 177 00:07:38,942 --> 00:07:42,109 -I know. -You know, I've been in this bed for a long time. 178 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,779 I... I sure could use a sponge bath. 179 00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:45,872 Oh, word? 180 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:49,509 Why don't you start down by my cast? 181 00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,213 Oh, God, your leg is covered in hair. 182 00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:55,532 That's right. I can't shave down there 183 00:07:55,550 --> 00:07:56,958 'cause the cast will get wet. 184 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,460 -Look at it. Smell it. -(grunts) No. 185 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,721 Take a deep breath and smell it. 186 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,965 (sniffs) Ah! What is that? 187 00:08:04,059 --> 00:08:05,484 Four days of sweat and a dinner fork 188 00:08:05,711 --> 00:08:07,969 that got stuck when I scratched my ankle. 189 00:08:08,063 --> 00:08:09,212 Please, let me go. 190 00:08:09,231 --> 00:08:10,897 This English Patient enough for you? 191 00:08:11,066 --> 00:08:12,324 I don't know, I never saw it. 192 00:08:12,551 --> 00:08:14,326 Every door you walk through isn't a scenario 193 00:08:14,477 --> 00:08:16,661 you've typed into the search bar of Pornhub. 194 00:08:16,813 --> 00:08:18,497 This is real life, and it stinks. 195 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:21,241 -Please, let me go. -Now, you listen to me. 196 00:08:21,393 --> 00:08:23,727 -Every 90 minutes, I'm gonna ring this bell... -(bell rings) 197 00:08:23,745 --> 00:08:26,396 ...and you're gonna come in and take out a bowl of my waste. 198 00:08:26,414 --> 00:08:28,414 If that's us forming a strong bond, 199 00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:31,918 then you and I are gonna form a very strong bond. Now, go. 200 00:08:31,995 --> 00:08:34,095 (whimpers) 201 00:08:38,167 --> 00:08:41,335 (sniffs) Oh, buddy, this smells like a big one. 202 00:08:41,429 --> 00:08:44,523 You've been feeding me nothing but Chick-fil-A, so, yeah. 203 00:08:44,674 --> 00:08:48,009 -A dad's changing a diaper. -A dad changing a diaper? 204 00:08:48,103 --> 00:08:49,677 No biting, Aidan. 205 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:52,239 ("Holding Out For A Hero" by Bonnie Tyler playing) 206 00:08:53,425 --> 00:08:55,867 ♪ Where have all the good men gone ♪ 207 00:08:56,094 --> 00:08:58,370 ♪ And where are all the gods? ♪ 208 00:08:59,431 --> 00:09:02,432 ♪ Where's the streetwise Hercules ♪ 209 00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:05,118 ♪ To fight the rising odds? ♪ 210 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,604 ♪ I need a hero ♪ 211 00:09:07,697 --> 00:09:11,699 ♪ I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light ♪ 212 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:15,445 ♪ He's got to be sure, and it's got to be soon ♪ 213 00:09:15,463 --> 00:09:17,113 ♪ And he's got to be larger ♪ 214 00:09:17,132 --> 00:09:20,300 ♪ Than life, larger than life. ♪ 215 00:09:20,468 --> 00:09:22,644 ♪ ♪ 216 00:09:34,149 --> 00:09:35,574 -Hi. -Uh-oh. 217 00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:37,483 Do you own a gray Honda Accord? 218 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,393 -No. -Okay, good. 219 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,470 Good. 220 00:09:40,563 --> 00:09:43,473 My name's Becky, and this is my son, T.J. 221 00:09:43,642 --> 00:09:46,418 You're the single dad, whose wife is... 222 00:09:46,645 --> 00:09:49,162 Two feet under, yes. The shallow graves were cheaper. 223 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:52,148 I was wondering if you wanted our kids to have a playdate. 224 00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:54,759 I know how hard it can be being a single parent. 225 00:09:54,986 --> 00:09:57,654 I can make some lunch, fire up the bounce house... 226 00:09:57,672 --> 00:09:59,014 We'll do it, we'll do it. 227 00:10:04,996 --> 00:10:07,088 Those two seem to be getting along well. 228 00:10:07,182 --> 00:10:10,667 Yeah. So, how long have you had a pet cloud? 229 00:10:10,685 --> 00:10:13,670 That's... a skylight. 230 00:10:13,688 --> 00:10:14,762 Does it bite? 231 00:10:14,856 --> 00:10:16,522 (laughs) 232 00:10:16,675 --> 00:10:19,192 Do you want a beer? I can make some snacks, 233 00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,119 maybe pull out the popcorn machine for the kids. 234 00:10:21,270 --> 00:10:23,179 Or we don't tell them, 235 00:10:23,198 --> 00:10:26,032 and we keep all the popcorn for ourselves. 236 00:10:26,184 --> 00:10:28,184 (laughs) You're fantastic. 237 00:10:28,203 --> 00:10:31,521 (laughs) I'm... I'm-I'm serious, though. 238 00:10:31,614 --> 00:10:33,590 Hey, cheers. 239 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,450 I'm glad we did this. 240 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:39,453 Having to entertain a kid all day is exhausting. 241 00:10:39,473 --> 00:10:41,197 How long have you been doing it alone? 242 00:10:41,366 --> 00:10:44,033 -Ah, feels like forever. -Yeah, I know. 243 00:10:44,202 --> 00:10:45,477 Doesn't get any easier. 244 00:10:45,628 --> 00:10:47,812 I thought that after my late husband, Scott... 245 00:10:47,964 --> 00:10:50,023 (yawns) Huh? 246 00:10:51,134 --> 00:10:52,984 Hey, Mom, can I show Stewie my room? 247 00:10:53,136 --> 00:10:55,654 -Sure. -Yes! Come on, Stewie. 248 00:10:55,805 --> 00:10:56,896 Door open, bud. 249 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,306 Dad. 250 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:02,552 You know, we could make this a regular thing. 251 00:11:02,645 --> 00:11:05,312 It'll take the pressure off us having to entertain them. 252 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:08,833 Yeah, I'd like that a lot. Oh, no, your pet cloud got out. 253 00:11:08,985 --> 00:11:10,910 That's a-a window. 254 00:11:11,062 --> 00:11:13,505 So... so it'll come back? 255 00:11:17,903 --> 00:11:20,086 -(fly buzzing) -Go away. 256 00:11:20,238 --> 00:11:22,997 -Stop it. Damn it. -(bell rings) 257 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,574 Need help, Mom? 258 00:11:24,592 --> 00:11:25,909 Can you get rid of this fly? 259 00:11:25,927 --> 00:11:28,353 There's a swatter in the top drawer of the dresser. 260 00:11:28,580 --> 00:11:31,597 Okay, that drawer is full of sex toys. 261 00:11:31,750 --> 00:11:34,083 Oh. Well, we must've moved the fly swatter. 262 00:11:34,102 --> 00:11:36,510 Uh, try the middle drawer. 263 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:39,013 Is this a bit? Because that drawer 264 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,274 is also filled to the brim with sex toys. 265 00:11:41,426 --> 00:11:43,660 Sorry. Look in the bottom drawer. 266 00:11:44,763 --> 00:11:46,279 Wrong again. 267 00:11:46,431 --> 00:11:47,747 (crying) 268 00:11:52,620 --> 00:11:56,122 These last few days have been really fun for me and T.J. 269 00:11:56,274 --> 00:11:57,607 I really like you, Peter. 270 00:11:57,625 --> 00:11:59,700 It's rare that you can relate to someone 271 00:11:59,794 --> 00:12:01,611 on a deeper level like we can. 272 00:12:01,629 --> 00:12:03,704 I know. Can I tell you something? 273 00:12:03,798 --> 00:12:06,950 I know this is crazy, and I-I don't use this word lightly, 274 00:12:07,043 --> 00:12:10,453 but I love the way you cut sandwiches. 275 00:12:10,455 --> 00:12:13,122 Perfect triangles. You're amazing. 276 00:12:13,141 --> 00:12:14,548 You're amazing, too. 277 00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:17,736 You've got a childish wonder about you, 278 00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:19,312 just like my late husband Scott, 279 00:12:19,464 --> 00:12:21,906 -who used... -(yawns) Huh? 280 00:12:22,058 --> 00:12:23,649 So, should we go back to my place? 281 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,909 Keep the playdate going? 282 00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:27,061 Maybe take out the popcorn machine? 283 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,580 Let me touch all the buttons. 284 00:12:28,731 --> 00:12:30,749 You can pour in the kernels. 285 00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:33,142 -You think I'm ready? -No, 286 00:12:33,161 --> 00:12:35,295 but I'll make sure you don't spill. 287 00:12:40,652 --> 00:12:42,594 (moans) 288 00:12:42,821 --> 00:12:45,171 I wonder what Scott would think of this. 289 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,432 (sighs) Give her a break. She was acquitted. 290 00:12:53,331 --> 00:12:54,606 And then she kissed me. 291 00:12:54,757 --> 00:12:56,107 I don't know what to do. 292 00:12:56,259 --> 00:12:58,926 I guess lying about having a dead wife to eat popcorn 293 00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:00,111 wasn't the best idea. 294 00:13:00,188 --> 00:13:01,595 That's a nice story, Peter. 295 00:13:01,689 --> 00:13:04,431 Did anyone else break any sacraments this week? 296 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,267 Well, there's two things you can do from here: 297 00:13:06,361 --> 00:13:08,269 break it off or go full scumbag. 298 00:13:08,363 --> 00:13:11,681 If you're interested in going scumbag, I sell a starter kit. 299 00:13:11,699 --> 00:13:13,866 It includes a second phone, fake addresses, 300 00:13:13,943 --> 00:13:15,109 and some golf shirts. 301 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,702 -I don't golf. -Nobody does. 302 00:13:16,855 --> 00:13:17,962 Golf was invented purely 303 00:13:18,189 --> 00:13:19,947 so husbands can cheat on their wives. 304 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,358 A six-hour game in a completely different town 305 00:13:22,377 --> 00:13:25,695 where you need special shirts? I-I don't think so. 306 00:13:25,713 --> 00:13:28,381 I was only hanging out with Becky to help with Stewie. 307 00:13:28,457 --> 00:13:30,700 She clearly saw it as something else. 308 00:13:30,718 --> 00:13:32,977 I got to break it off before Lois finds out. 309 00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:35,038 You need to break it off 'cause 310 00:13:35,172 --> 00:13:37,148 it's the right thing to do. 311 00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:38,817 When did you get glasses? 312 00:13:38,968 --> 00:13:41,528 You like them? They're Kirby Parkers. 313 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,991 "Becky, please accept this GIF 314 00:13:47,143 --> 00:13:50,644 "of Forrest Gump waving on a boat as goodbye. 315 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,388 "You are a great person, 316 00:13:52,481 --> 00:13:54,574 "but things are moving a little too fast. 317 00:13:54,726 --> 00:13:57,985 "Almost as fast as this GIF of Forrest Gump 318 00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,079 -running out of his driveway." -(phone whooshes) 319 00:14:00,231 --> 00:14:01,297 (doorbell rings) 320 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:05,902 -Surprise. -Becky? What are you doing here? 321 00:14:05,995 --> 00:14:08,179 I wanted to come over and make you dinner. 322 00:14:08,331 --> 00:14:09,663 It's probably been a while since you've had 323 00:14:09,757 --> 00:14:11,015 a nice, home-cooked meal. 324 00:14:11,242 --> 00:14:12,258 You don't have to do this. 325 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,186 -Hey, Mom Two is here. -Hey, Stewie. 326 00:14:15,263 --> 00:14:17,004 What's going on? Who's this? 327 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:18,915 You didn't tell me you had a dog. 328 00:14:18,933 --> 00:14:21,100 He's very close to being put down. 329 00:14:21,252 --> 00:14:22,585 I didn't want you to get attached. 330 00:14:22,604 --> 00:14:24,863 Aw, but he's so cute. 331 00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:26,589 (moans) 332 00:14:26,608 --> 00:14:30,017 Oh, I don't care who she is. She can stay. 333 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,852 -(bell rings) -I'll be right back. 334 00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:33,613 (grunts) 335 00:14:33,765 --> 00:14:35,264 Hello, dear. 336 00:14:35,358 --> 00:14:37,208 I heard the doorbell, who was it? 337 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,710 Delivery guy. We ordered dinner. 338 00:14:38,861 --> 00:14:41,437 -Oh, where did you order from? -That place you hate. 339 00:14:41,456 --> 00:14:42,788 -Oh. -Yeah. 340 00:14:42,957 --> 00:14:45,942 Well, maybe I'll just come downstairs and join you anyway. 341 00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:47,034 You know, it's been about a week, 342 00:14:47,128 --> 00:14:48,611 and I'm starting to feel better. 343 00:14:48,704 --> 00:14:49,779 Uh, no, no, no. Trust me, 344 00:14:49,797 --> 00:14:51,297 you-you-you don't want to go downstairs. 345 00:14:51,449 --> 00:14:54,041 Uh, Brian is talking about the Electoral College. 346 00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,618 -Oh. -Yeah. 347 00:14:55,787 --> 00:14:57,896 -I'll just eat dinner up here. -(doorbell rings) 348 00:14:58,123 --> 00:14:59,731 Excusez moi. 349 00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:02,475 (yelps, chuckles) 350 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:06,295 Hi, I have your boner and butt pills from Gladiator. 351 00:15:06,314 --> 00:15:08,740 That's supposed to be discreet. 352 00:15:08,891 --> 00:15:11,300 Hey, Dad. Where's Mom? 353 00:15:11,319 --> 00:15:14,637 Upstairs-- Uh, the big upstairs. 354 00:15:14,656 --> 00:15:17,916 -That's what we call heaven. -Mm. I get it. 355 00:15:18,143 --> 00:15:20,401 I tell T.J. that my late husband Scott's... 356 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,328 -(yawns) Huh? -(bell rings) 357 00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:23,479 Mom's calling. 358 00:15:23,498 --> 00:15:26,149 I-I told them every time a bell rings, 359 00:15:26,317 --> 00:15:27,833 that's their mom saying hello. 360 00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:29,652 -LOIS: Help. -Help, help. Saying-saying help. 361 00:15:29,671 --> 00:15:33,097 She-she died very painfully. Pardonnez moi. 362 00:15:33,249 --> 00:15:36,750 You forgot your box of boner and butt pills. 363 00:15:36,919 --> 00:15:38,478 It's discreet. 364 00:15:39,588 --> 00:15:40,846 (grunts) 365 00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:42,848 (singsongy): Mur-der the carpet. 366 00:15:43,001 --> 00:15:44,591 Hello. 367 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:45,777 I-- What are you doing? 368 00:15:45,928 --> 00:15:47,278 Can you help me down the stairs? 369 00:15:47,430 --> 00:15:49,113 Uh, th-the doctor said to stay in bed a week. 370 00:15:49,265 --> 00:15:50,949 You know, I just need to get out of this room. 371 00:15:51,176 --> 00:15:52,766 My back is killing me. 372 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,510 (inhales sharply) Lois, 373 00:15:54,603 --> 00:15:57,029 if you stay up here for the rest of the night, 374 00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:59,532 I will use the marital tongue on you. 375 00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:02,126 Okay, but this time, I get to pick the spot. 376 00:16:02,353 --> 00:16:04,353 In the meantime, can you just get me the heating pad 377 00:16:04,372 --> 00:16:06,339 for my back? It's in the attic. 378 00:16:08,451 --> 00:16:10,677 -(timer dings) -The roast. 379 00:16:12,547 --> 00:16:15,181 Wait a minute, I'm not cooking dinner. 380 00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,551 Heating pad, heating pad, heating pad... 381 00:16:18,703 --> 00:16:21,270 -(door closes) -Oh, crap. 382 00:16:22,465 --> 00:16:24,798 Hey. H-Hey, what are you doing, Bonnie? 383 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:28,152 I told Lois I would bring her a loaf of my sourdough bread. 384 00:16:28,304 --> 00:16:30,046 -She doesn't want it. -What? 385 00:16:30,064 --> 00:16:31,731 I just talked to her. 386 00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:33,807 She's dead. Lois died. Go away. 387 00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:35,476 Oh, my God. 388 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,054 What are you doing with her washing machine? 389 00:16:38,072 --> 00:16:40,890 It's not for sale. You'd need a furniture dolly 390 00:16:40,908 --> 00:16:42,241 to get it out of the basement anyway. 391 00:16:42,393 --> 00:16:45,336 We have one. I'll give you $100. 392 00:16:45,488 --> 00:16:48,247 Yeah, y-- O-O-Okay. Maybe. Maybe. 393 00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:49,749 Will it fit through the bulkhead door? 394 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:52,084 Yeah, it looks like it'll fit. 395 00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,753 It'll totally fit. 396 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:56,347 Yeah, all right. Let's do it. $100. 397 00:16:56,499 --> 00:16:59,350 Heating pad. 398 00:17:02,838 --> 00:17:05,732 (laughs) Ah, wonderful. 399 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,027 (yelps) 400 00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:13,606 Ugh, terrific. 401 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,199 (stomping on roof) 402 00:17:15,426 --> 00:17:18,094 (scoffs) Probably a prowler. It's cool, I know him. 403 00:17:18,187 --> 00:17:19,746 He'll just go right into my bed. 404 00:17:21,357 --> 00:17:23,524 -Hey. -Hey, Meg's eating dinner. 405 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,117 That's cool, I'll wait. 406 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,712 (laughing): It's kind of my thing. 407 00:17:31,776 --> 00:17:33,626 How am I gonna get down? 408 00:17:33,778 --> 00:17:36,054 If you hold this feather, you can fly. 409 00:17:36,205 --> 00:17:39,615 Really? Wow, thanks, little rat. 410 00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:41,467 Ow! (grunts) 411 00:17:41,619 --> 00:17:44,729 That's for putting locks on your garbage cans, you dick. 412 00:17:44,956 --> 00:17:47,381 (gasps) 413 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,841 Heating pad. 414 00:17:48,993 --> 00:17:50,884 Where did you go? And why was your box 415 00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:52,645 of boner and butt pills on the stairs? 416 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:53,646 I almost tripped. 417 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:54,888 Those are discreet. 418 00:17:54,982 --> 00:17:56,482 Now, let's get you back upstairs. 419 00:17:56,634 --> 00:17:57,724 (gasps, grunts) 420 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,243 (groans) It's all right, Peter, 421 00:17:59,395 --> 00:18:01,079 -just open the Calm app. -(phone beeps) 422 00:18:01,306 --> 00:18:04,490 "Your credit card has been decli..." Whee! 423 00:18:04,642 --> 00:18:06,826 There you are, Peter. Are you okay? 424 00:18:06,978 --> 00:18:08,327 Is this your mother? 425 00:18:08,496 --> 00:18:11,589 I'm sorry. Who the hell are you, and why are you holding my baby? 426 00:18:11,816 --> 00:18:13,499 See? Total bitch, right? 427 00:18:13,651 --> 00:18:16,410 Boy, this-this is gonna be a really funny story 428 00:18:16,504 --> 00:18:19,171 when I tell you both separately far away from each other. 429 00:18:19,248 --> 00:18:21,173 -Hey, Mom. -Mom? 430 00:18:21,250 --> 00:18:22,842 Peter said you were dead. 431 00:18:22,994 --> 00:18:24,418 Dead? I am not dead. 432 00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:26,512 I was just recovering from foot surgery, 433 00:18:26,681 --> 00:18:28,347 so I put him in charge of the kids. 434 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,833 -Now, what the hell happened? -Heating pad? 435 00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:32,259 I cannot believe this, Peter. 436 00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,945 You've been lying to me? 437 00:18:34,096 --> 00:18:35,613 I thought we had something. 438 00:18:35,764 --> 00:18:38,282 And what kind of a mother leaves their husband 439 00:18:38,434 --> 00:18:41,101 with the kids for a week? It is a miracle they're alive. 440 00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:43,846 -Excuse me? -I'll tell you what kind of mother, 441 00:18:43,865 --> 00:18:45,957 the best mom there is. 442 00:18:46,184 --> 00:18:48,184 I'm sorry I lied to you, Becky. 443 00:18:48,202 --> 00:18:50,277 All I wanted was free popcorn. 444 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,630 Taking care of kids is relentless. 445 00:18:52,781 --> 00:18:53,965 There's no escape. 446 00:18:54,116 --> 00:18:55,782 You know, unless you "accidentally" leave them 447 00:18:55,951 --> 00:18:56,876 in a hot car. 448 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:58,136 I mean, you'd get less jail time 449 00:18:58,212 --> 00:18:59,953 than actual murder, right? 450 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:02,381 And-and prison has to be quieter than your actual life. 451 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,201 Anyway, if I've learned anything this week, 452 00:19:05,219 --> 00:19:07,628 it's that all mothers are heroes, 453 00:19:07,722 --> 00:19:09,538 and the biggest hero I know 454 00:19:09,632 --> 00:19:12,817 is the one I'm lucky enough to call my wife. 455 00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:14,134 Oh, Peter, 456 00:19:14,228 --> 00:19:17,613 that almost cancels out everything you've done. 457 00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:24,053 Look, Becky, I don't blame you for what happened. 458 00:19:24,071 --> 00:19:25,221 Nobody does. 459 00:19:25,239 --> 00:19:26,647 But you're a beautiful woman, 460 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:30,317 you can do better than a 44-year-old morbidly obese guy. 461 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,561 You know what, you're right. 462 00:19:32,580 --> 00:19:34,672 Ever since I lost my late husband Scott, I... 463 00:19:34,823 --> 00:19:36,632 GRIFFINS: (yawns) Huh? 464 00:19:40,329 --> 00:19:42,180 The other mom just left, and now, 465 00:19:42,331 --> 00:19:44,015 Bonnie's dragging a washing machine 466 00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:45,090 out from the bulkhead. 467 00:19:45,243 --> 00:19:47,243 (chuckles) Never a dull moment. 468 00:19:47,261 --> 00:19:48,853 Hey, grab me a beer from the YETI. 469 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,171 -You know it'll be cold, right? -Mm-hmm. 470 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:55,008 Just picture it, the place: Dripping Springs, Texas. 471 00:19:55,102 --> 00:19:56,769 Roy and Ryan Seiders, 472 00:19:56,921 --> 00:19:59,438 brothers tired of their conventional coolers breaking 473 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,974 when they would stand-cast into the Gulf Coast, 474 00:20:02,126 --> 00:20:03,926 took matters into their own hands 475 00:20:04,019 --> 00:20:06,704 and created the cooler to end all coolers. 476 00:20:06,931 --> 00:20:08,113 ANNOUNCER: Yeti coolers: 477 00:20:08,266 --> 00:20:10,124 for the man in your life with no personality. 478 00:20:15,957 --> 00:20:18,216 (sighs) Well, I'm glad my foot's all healed. 479 00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:20,443 It's so nice to be back downstairs. 480 00:20:20,536 --> 00:20:22,703 Yeah, and I'm happy our relationship 481 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,448 is stronger than ever, and everything is back to normal. 482 00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:27,225 Well, except every time I look out the window, 483 00:20:27,452 --> 00:20:30,061 the beginning of "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer 484 00:20:30,137 --> 00:20:31,637 -starts playing. -What? 485 00:20:31,789 --> 00:20:34,306 ♪ Kiss me ♪ 486 00:20:34,475 --> 00:20:36,901 ♪ Out of the bearded barley ♪ 487 00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:38,736 -♪ Nightly. ♪ -(music stops) 488 00:20:38,887 --> 00:20:40,446 PETER: Aw. 489 00:20:42,483 --> 00:20:46,059 -(music resumes) -♪ Oh, kiss me ♪ 490 00:20:46,153 --> 00:20:48,579 ♪ Beneath the milky twilight ♪ 491 00:20:48,731 --> 00:20:50,806 ♪ Lead me ♪ 492 00:20:50,899 --> 00:20:53,659 ♪ Out on the moonlit floor ♪ 493 00:20:53,811 --> 00:20:55,478 ♪ Lift your open hand ♪ 494 00:20:55,496 --> 00:20:58,047 ♪ Strike up the band and make. ♪