1 00:00:02,728 --> 00:00:05,129 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:06,490 --> 00:00:09,341 Well, should we say prayers first? 3 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,177 (laughter) 4 00:00:12,370 --> 00:00:14,162 (laughs): Can you imagine? 5 00:00:14,256 --> 00:00:15,422 What a bunch of losers. 6 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,242 Oh, sometimes I like the kind of trash we are. 7 00:00:18,244 --> 00:00:19,926 So, how'd everyone sleep? 8 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:21,020 -Fine. -Good. 9 00:00:21,247 --> 00:00:23,764 Not good. I heard Meg having a one-some. 10 00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:26,600 Oh, I had the most random dream. 11 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:27,860 Peter, you were there. 12 00:00:28,087 --> 00:00:29,194 -Uh-huh. -We were at home. 13 00:00:29,346 --> 00:00:30,529 Except in my dream-- 14 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,439 Oh, Brian, wait, you got to hear this. 15 00:00:32,591 --> 00:00:34,424 Our house looked like Grandma's house, 16 00:00:34,443 --> 00:00:36,201 and for some reason, I was in my underwear, 17 00:00:36,428 --> 00:00:37,928 shaking a big bag of kibble. 18 00:00:37,946 --> 00:00:40,706 Meg, you spilled Doritos on the carpet, 19 00:00:40,783 --> 00:00:42,599 and I was trying to vacuum them up, 20 00:00:42,692 --> 00:00:45,952 but the vacuum had hair all over it for some reason. 21 00:00:46,105 --> 00:00:47,287 Imagine that. 22 00:00:47,439 --> 00:00:49,697 And, Chris, you were wearing a tie 23 00:00:49,792 --> 00:00:52,125 'cause you had an interview at the brewery, 24 00:00:52,278 --> 00:00:53,535 if you can believe it. 25 00:00:53,612 --> 00:00:54,778 (chuckles) 26 00:00:54,871 --> 00:00:57,038 Well, that is one crazy dream. 27 00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,132 LOIS: That's not even the crazy part. 28 00:00:59,285 --> 00:01:01,968 -(crunching) -Brian, I asked you to drive him, 29 00:01:02,121 --> 00:01:04,621 but you kept saying your car was in Nevada. 30 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,714 Wow, that is nuts. 31 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,975 -(whispers): Stewie! -(grunting) 32 00:01:09,128 --> 00:01:10,644 Ah, screw it. 33 00:01:10,796 --> 00:01:13,630 (crackling, zapping) 34 00:01:13,649 --> 00:01:14,981 (people screaming) 35 00:01:15,134 --> 00:01:17,034 -Whew. -Oh, thank God. 36 00:01:19,729 --> 00:01:21,563 (shivers) This is still better. 37 00:01:21,657 --> 00:01:22,989 S-S-Still better. 38 00:01:23,158 --> 00:01:24,474 S-Still so much better. 39 00:01:24,493 --> 00:01:27,160 And, Peter, you wanted to go swimming in our pool, 40 00:01:27,313 --> 00:01:29,479 -which of course we don't have. -Uh-huh. 41 00:01:29,481 --> 00:01:32,240 LOIS: You had this ridiculously giant towel. 42 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,258 Uh-huh. 43 00:01:33,335 --> 00:01:35,652 Oh, and get this: it had Nemo on it. 44 00:01:35,745 --> 00:01:38,171 Oh, boy, that-that is, that is some dream. 45 00:01:38,324 --> 00:01:40,099 (cell phone ringing) 46 00:01:40,175 --> 00:01:42,601 LOIS: And he was wearing giant sunglasses. 47 00:01:42,828 --> 00:01:43,918 Uh-huh. 48 00:01:43,938 --> 00:01:46,087 Poor bastard's stuck hearing a wife dream. 49 00:01:46,107 --> 00:01:48,498 Yeah, I kept telling you to pick it up, pick it up, 50 00:01:48,517 --> 00:01:50,500 but there was cotton in my mouth. 51 00:01:50,519 --> 00:01:51,443 Oh, my goodness. 52 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,261 My uncle died this way. 53 00:01:53,430 --> 00:01:55,339 LOIS: Oh, and we had cats for some reason. 54 00:01:55,432 --> 00:01:56,615 Uh-huh. 55 00:01:56,842 --> 00:01:59,767 Uhp, I backed up all the way into the show before us. 56 00:01:59,845 --> 00:02:01,345 Wife talking about her dream. 57 00:02:01,363 --> 00:02:03,163 Homer, you've got company. 58 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,700 Why are there two sets of prices? 59 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,794 One's the Emmy-winner discount. 60 00:02:08,945 --> 00:02:10,612 Ah. 61 00:02:10,706 --> 00:02:12,539 Black coffee and toast, please. 62 00:02:12,691 --> 00:02:16,526 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 63 00:02:16,545 --> 00:02:19,805 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 64 00:02:20,032 --> 00:02:22,957 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 65 00:02:23,051 --> 00:02:26,127 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 66 00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:29,648 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 67 00:02:29,799 --> 00:02:33,152 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 68 00:02:33,303 --> 00:02:34,820 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 69 00:02:34,897 --> 00:02:36,229 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 70 00:02:36,382 --> 00:02:42,077 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 71 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:45,038 ♪ ♪ 72 00:02:48,060 --> 00:02:50,577 Oh, so wonderful to see you all. 73 00:02:50,729 --> 00:02:52,838 The kids are getting so big. 74 00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,581 Especially Chris. 75 00:02:54,733 --> 00:02:56,324 Is he diabetic? 76 00:02:56,418 --> 00:02:58,919 We don't see doctors, but we're pretty sure. 77 00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:00,328 May I take your order? 78 00:03:00,422 --> 00:03:02,422 Crayons and a silly map, please. 79 00:03:02,574 --> 00:03:04,016 Excellent choice. 80 00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:05,517 ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program 81 00:03:05,627 --> 00:03:07,744 for a Channel Five special report. 82 00:03:07,763 --> 00:03:08,854 Good evening, Quahog. 83 00:03:09,005 --> 00:03:11,005 The Exxon Pewterschmidt has crashed 84 00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:12,916 and released millions of gallons of oil 85 00:03:13,009 --> 00:03:15,694 into the Gulf of Mexico, contaminating marine life 86 00:03:15,845 --> 00:03:18,588 and causing irreparable damage to the ecosystem. 87 00:03:18,607 --> 00:03:21,366 Two anonymous whistleblowers blame negligence. 88 00:03:21,518 --> 00:03:24,110 They cut corners left and right. This was inevitable. 89 00:03:24,263 --> 00:03:26,279 What happened to the oil-covered little crab? 90 00:03:26,432 --> 00:03:28,356 He, uh, he-he had to leave. 91 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,101 -Did you eat the little crab? -They cut a lot of corners! 92 00:03:31,194 --> 00:03:33,453 Oh, my God, those poor fish. 93 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,880 They're in water. 94 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,031 If they can't get clean in water, where can they get clean? 95 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,775 This is serious, Daddy. 96 00:03:38,868 --> 00:03:40,201 Sweetie, if it was so serious, 97 00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:43,222 we'd flip to me in a boardroom with a crisis team. 98 00:03:45,375 --> 00:03:47,117 Ah, I didn't grab my drink. 99 00:03:47,119 --> 00:03:48,952 Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's imperative 100 00:03:48,971 --> 00:03:52,564 we do immediate damage control, or your stock will plummet. 101 00:03:53,792 --> 00:03:54,641 See what I'm doing here? 102 00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:56,735 The "throw the money at it" gesture. 103 00:03:56,886 --> 00:03:58,311 Pay someone to do something worse 104 00:03:58,405 --> 00:03:59,980 so everyone forgets my thing. 105 00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:01,073 Cue the video. 106 00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:04,392 (film whirring, beeping) 107 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,161 ♪ ♪ 108 00:04:07,306 --> 00:04:09,397 Hi. I'm Joseph Hazelwood, 109 00:04:09,475 --> 00:04:12,158 former captain of the Exxon Valdez 110 00:04:12,311 --> 00:04:16,146 and 1987 Anchorage Ballroom Dance Champion. 111 00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:17,647 That gets a little overshadowed, 112 00:04:17,741 --> 00:04:20,259 but it doesn't diminish the accomplishment. 113 00:04:20,335 --> 00:04:22,761 Anyway, as someone who single-handedly spilled 114 00:04:22,912 --> 00:04:26,765 11 million gallons of oil into the Prince William Sound, 115 00:04:26,842 --> 00:04:30,327 I know a thing or two about evading responsibility. 116 00:04:30,496 --> 00:04:32,920 Just find a scapegoat to blame it on. 117 00:04:32,998 --> 00:04:34,922 The number two man in the company 118 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,591 or a relative. 119 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,351 Perhaps a son-in-law. 120 00:04:38,504 --> 00:04:42,114 A simpleton to blame things on. 121 00:04:47,195 --> 00:04:48,453 Ow! 122 00:04:48,605 --> 00:04:49,696 Ah! 123 00:04:49,848 --> 00:04:52,015 There's some kind of force field. 124 00:04:52,034 --> 00:04:54,034 Ah! Ah! 125 00:04:54,186 --> 00:04:56,853 Daddy, you are not blaming this on Peter. 126 00:04:56,872 --> 00:04:58,688 Some other options are a donation 127 00:04:58,782 --> 00:05:00,373 and a photo op at an orphanage. 128 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,542 Or building a Holocaust memorial. 129 00:05:02,694 --> 00:05:05,762 Ugh, haven't those Nazis been praised enough? 130 00:05:10,702 --> 00:05:12,460 Hello, hello. 131 00:05:12,554 --> 00:05:15,221 Welcome to Our Lady of the Immaculate Anus. 132 00:05:15,316 --> 00:05:17,040 I think that word is "Agnes." 133 00:05:17,059 --> 00:05:18,208 Oh, no. 134 00:05:18,301 --> 00:05:20,560 That's the only reason I volunteered here. 135 00:05:20,712 --> 00:05:23,063 I need a photo with an orphan. Are you in charge? 136 00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:26,158 Oh, no, I just volunteers on weekends. 137 00:05:26,309 --> 00:05:28,735 I love kids, and I'm an expert at going, 138 00:05:28,887 --> 00:05:31,071 "Tsk, tsk, tsk." 139 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,980 Uh, that one looks the least filthy. 140 00:05:33,983 --> 00:05:36,409 Okay, let's get a picture so I can get out of here. 141 00:05:36,562 --> 00:05:38,503 I bet you're only here 'cause you did something bad 142 00:05:38,730 --> 00:05:40,672 and think a photo with an orphan will fix it. 143 00:05:40,899 --> 00:05:42,065 Well, duh. 144 00:05:42,250 --> 00:05:44,843 Then if you want a photo, you have to buy me candy. 145 00:05:44,994 --> 00:05:46,845 I'm not buying you candy. Go to hell. 146 00:05:47,072 --> 00:05:49,831 There's plenty of other CEOs who will. 147 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,016 And Andrew Cuomo. 148 00:05:51,167 --> 00:05:53,577 Who wants to see my nipple rings? 149 00:05:53,595 --> 00:05:57,263 Now bring that face over here for an unwanted smooch. 150 00:05:57,416 --> 00:05:59,916 Okay, fine. We'll go across the street to Rexall's 151 00:05:59,935 --> 00:06:01,676 and get some menthol jellies. 152 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,010 You like menthol jellies? 153 00:06:03,179 --> 00:06:06,114 Oh, what am I saying? Every kid loves menthol jellies. 154 00:06:07,183 --> 00:06:09,517 What's going on? Do you have Parkinson's? 155 00:06:09,611 --> 00:06:11,094 No, I'm skipping. 156 00:06:11,187 --> 00:06:13,688 Skipping? Never heard of it. 157 00:06:13,782 --> 00:06:15,523 Hey, how many of these orphans are really just 158 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,767 adult little people hiding from the law? 159 00:06:17,786 --> 00:06:20,695 Just the ones in large bonnets smoking cigars. 160 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,940 My people groped Judy Garland something awful. 161 00:06:23,959 --> 00:06:25,258 Look it up. 162 00:06:28,296 --> 00:06:30,964 Kind of a dick move to open a candy store 163 00:06:31,116 --> 00:06:33,183 across the street from an orphanage. 164 00:06:35,470 --> 00:06:37,137 Sorry, we have to hold an adult's hand 165 00:06:37,305 --> 00:06:38,638 when we cross the street. 166 00:06:38,790 --> 00:06:39,731 No, it's fine. 167 00:06:39,958 --> 00:06:41,641 I just can't remember the last time 168 00:06:41,793 --> 00:06:43,718 someone held my hand. 169 00:06:43,795 --> 00:06:45,386 It's kind of nice. 170 00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,572 So, what happened to your parents? 171 00:06:47,724 --> 00:06:50,242 They left me on the orphanage steps as a baby. 172 00:06:50,393 --> 00:06:53,820 That should be funny to me, but for some reason, it's not. 173 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,822 Well, thank you for the candy. 174 00:06:55,974 --> 00:06:57,416 I actually enjoyed it. 175 00:06:57,567 --> 00:06:59,400 You're good company. 176 00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:02,045 ♪ ♪ 177 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,820 You know, this is a crazy thought, 178 00:07:10,914 --> 00:07:12,989 but you're crammed in this filthy place 179 00:07:13,008 --> 00:07:14,582 while I've got a gigantic house. 180 00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,993 -Why don't you come live with me? -Really? 181 00:07:17,012 --> 00:07:18,511 Yeah. I could buy you. 182 00:07:18,664 --> 00:07:21,014 -You mean adopt? -Oh, whatever they call it. 183 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,515 It'll be nice to have you around. 184 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:25,259 Why, we'll make a better team than the Brooks Brothers. 185 00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,612 Hey, I can make boxy suits. 186 00:07:27,764 --> 00:07:29,114 And I only know lacrosse guys. 187 00:07:29,341 --> 00:07:30,431 ANNOUNCER: Brooks Brothers: 188 00:07:30,525 --> 00:07:33,118 look sharp at your sexual assault trial. 189 00:07:33,269 --> 00:07:35,195 What do you say? Want to come live with us? 190 00:07:35,347 --> 00:07:37,347 Well, I've never had a parent to tell me 191 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,107 not to go home with strangers, so sure. 192 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,626 Great, why don't you go wait in the car. 193 00:07:41,778 --> 00:07:43,536 I'm just gonna get a receipt in case we get home 194 00:07:43,689 --> 00:07:45,613 and you have a clubfoot or something. 195 00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,190 -I don't. -Uh, yeah, 196 00:07:47,209 --> 00:07:49,092 I'll-I'll probably just grab the receipt. 197 00:07:53,623 --> 00:07:55,140 ♪ ♪ 198 00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:59,035 For our top story tonight, we go to the statehouse 199 00:07:59,128 --> 00:08:00,887 with Uncomfortable Audio Delay Gina. 200 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,230 Gina? 201 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,063 -We seem to be having a prob... -That's right, Tom. 202 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,233 I just found out my father adopted a little girl. 203 00:08:13,385 --> 00:08:15,051 -Carter? -Yeah, if he wanted a little girl, 204 00:08:15,070 --> 00:08:16,495 we could've just given him Stewie. 205 00:08:16,646 --> 00:08:19,072 Whoa! And good morning to you, too, Pop. 206 00:08:19,224 --> 00:08:20,406 I just don't get it. 207 00:08:20,559 --> 00:08:23,168 I mean, Daddy's never taken an interest in kids. 208 00:08:23,319 --> 00:08:26,487 Can anyone say "tax deduction"? 209 00:08:26,581 --> 00:08:28,915 (slurping) 210 00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:30,157 Yeah, you proud of that? 211 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,659 You proud of your comment, Brian? 212 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,160 Taking aim at hypocrisy? 213 00:08:33,255 --> 00:08:35,329 Exposing the underbelly of human nature? 214 00:08:35,423 --> 00:08:37,073 -Uhp, I said "belly." -BRIAN: Belly?! 215 00:08:37,092 --> 00:08:39,092 Ugh, fine. 216 00:08:39,261 --> 00:08:41,261 -(panting) -There we go, kick the leg. 217 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,079 That's how I know you're having a good time. 218 00:08:43,248 --> 00:08:44,689 I just don't get it. 219 00:08:44,841 --> 00:08:46,099 I was raised by our nanny. 220 00:08:46,268 --> 00:08:48,860 I mean, Daddy didn't even learn my name until I was eight. 221 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,420 Well, what was it? 222 00:08:50,438 --> 00:08:53,256 -Lois. -Oh. 223 00:08:53,349 --> 00:08:55,850 Every birthday, I begged him to take me to the zoo, 224 00:08:55,944 --> 00:08:58,036 and Mother made him take me. 225 00:08:58,263 --> 00:08:59,704 But it was the '80s. 226 00:08:59,931 --> 00:09:01,931 Daddy was always too busy making 227 00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:03,283 giant cell phone deals on the beach. 228 00:09:03,435 --> 00:09:05,192 -(knocking) -Not now, Lois. 229 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,527 What about the zoo? 230 00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,104 I'll take you to the trading floor 231 00:09:08,106 --> 00:09:09,606 on Wall Street instead. 232 00:09:09,699 --> 00:09:11,124 Now, that's a zoo. 233 00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:13,367 Ah, the guy, the guy on the other end is laughing. 234 00:09:13,461 --> 00:09:16,613 LOIS: We never made it to the zoo. 235 00:09:16,631 --> 00:09:19,616 My God, that poor little girl needs help. 236 00:09:19,618 --> 00:09:22,619 Check it out. Brian's got a belly rub erection. 237 00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:25,138 (laughter) 238 00:09:25,290 --> 00:09:27,732 Oh, precious. Precious moments. 239 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,553 Welcome, everyone. 240 00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:34,631 Oh, Mother, I came as soon as I heard. 241 00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:36,800 Now, where is the little girl? Is she okay? 242 00:09:36,818 --> 00:09:38,501 Oh, she's fine. 243 00:09:38,561 --> 00:09:41,580 She and Carter are painting each other's nails. 244 00:09:41,731 --> 00:09:44,249 What? He never did that with me. 245 00:09:44,476 --> 00:09:46,400 Your nails are already yellow. 246 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,253 Yeah, the toes are the first to die. 247 00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,313 Just add some blue; it'll make it a nice green. 248 00:09:50,482 --> 00:09:51,572 We're out of blue. 249 00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:53,333 Well, then just slap some googly eyes on them 250 00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:55,001 and we've got ten little Minions. 251 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,502 I like Minions. 252 00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,120 Not sexually. 253 00:09:58,173 --> 00:10:01,174 I realize bringing that up suggests otherwise. 254 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:02,508 Now you say something. 255 00:10:02,661 --> 00:10:04,603 I'm not calling you my aunt, by the way, 256 00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:05,995 so get that out of your head. 257 00:10:06,014 --> 00:10:07,939 Well, I'm sure this will all end 258 00:10:08,166 --> 00:10:10,166 as soon as Daddy gets a business call. 259 00:10:10,185 --> 00:10:13,111 There's a Mr. Important on the line. 260 00:10:13,262 --> 00:10:14,838 Tell him he'll have to wait. 261 00:10:14,856 --> 00:10:16,522 (gasps) What? 262 00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:18,950 Well, Daddy would always take business calls 263 00:10:19,102 --> 00:10:20,285 when I would play with him. 264 00:10:20,436 --> 00:10:21,361 (clears throat) 265 00:10:21,513 --> 00:10:24,697 It's Mr. Important from the, uh... 266 00:10:24,850 --> 00:10:26,182 "massage place." 267 00:10:26,275 --> 00:10:29,461 Oh. Of course I'll take it. You got to say that part. 268 00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,281 ANNOUNCER: We now return to Harry Potter 269 00:10:34,376 --> 00:10:36,301 and the Phone Call of Awkwardness. 270 00:10:36,452 --> 00:10:37,636 Yeah, Hermione? 271 00:10:37,863 --> 00:10:39,787 Hey, it's me, Harry. 272 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,474 Um, remember that time I, um... 273 00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:44,476 I caught your snitch? 274 00:10:44,703 --> 00:10:46,460 Yeah, well, you may want 275 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,629 to have your chamber of secrets checked 276 00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:50,315 because, um, it's possible 277 00:10:50,466 --> 00:10:52,892 I may have given you Hogwarts. 278 00:10:53,061 --> 00:10:54,986 As you know, I insist my children 279 00:10:55,213 --> 00:10:57,063 are always taken care of financially. 280 00:10:57,157 --> 00:11:00,066 So, Tatum, I'm giving you this American Express card. 281 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,642 But what about me, Daddy? 282 00:11:01,811 --> 00:11:03,144 I-I'm your daughter, too. 283 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,405 Don't think for a moment I forgot about you, Lois. 284 00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:08,166 I'm giving you this Native American Express card. 285 00:11:08,317 --> 00:11:10,669 -Why? -I think you mean "how." 286 00:11:10,820 --> 00:11:11,911 That's offensive. 287 00:11:11,988 --> 00:11:13,588 I laughed. 288 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,327 -(light dance music playing) -Care to dance? 289 00:11:20,422 --> 00:11:21,680 Sure. 290 00:11:23,074 --> 00:11:25,058 Boy, you're a great dancer. 291 00:11:28,096 --> 00:11:29,521 Mind if I cut in? 292 00:11:29,597 --> 00:11:30,914 Mind if I cut one? 293 00:11:30,932 --> 00:11:32,432 -(farts) -Uhp, too late. 294 00:11:32,584 --> 00:11:36,027 All right, I got to go take a not-wetting-the-hair shower. 295 00:11:38,757 --> 00:11:41,607 ANNOUNCER: We now return to House Hunters: Australia. 296 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:45,019 So I carve boomerangs, and me wife is an 11-inch spider. 297 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,446 Our budget is $7 million. 298 00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:48,781 We're looking for something close to the city center 299 00:11:48,934 --> 00:11:50,024 but with enough natural light 300 00:11:50,118 --> 00:11:51,768 so that we can maintain our sunburns. 301 00:11:51,786 --> 00:11:55,029 And just look at these spacious walk-in closets. 302 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,716 Crikey, I might have to buy a second shirt. 303 00:11:57,867 --> 00:11:59,292 Lois, there you are. 304 00:11:59,444 --> 00:12:00,610 Don't you want to hang out with the family? 305 00:12:00,628 --> 00:12:03,221 Oh, (chuckles) I just needed to get some air. 306 00:12:03,448 --> 00:12:04,389 Look, I know your father 307 00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,966 wasn't there for you growing up, and it hurt, 308 00:12:07,135 --> 00:12:08,301 but you overcame that. 309 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,544 You're the glue that holds this family together. 310 00:12:10,638 --> 00:12:13,973 Ah, thanks, Brian. I guess you're right. 311 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,233 CARTER: Listen up! Everyone in the van! 312 00:12:15,384 --> 00:12:17,293 We're taking Tatum to the zoo! 313 00:12:17,386 --> 00:12:18,478 The zoo? 314 00:12:18,630 --> 00:12:21,514 The zoo? What-what, are we returning Chris? 315 00:12:21,666 --> 00:12:22,648 (knocking) 316 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,300 Hey, Meg, did you hear we're going to the zoo? 317 00:12:24,393 --> 00:12:26,469 What, are-are we returning Chris? 318 00:12:26,488 --> 00:12:27,394 (knocking) 319 00:12:27,563 --> 00:12:29,080 Hey, Chris, we're going to the zoo. 320 00:12:29,232 --> 00:12:30,656 -What, are we returning Chr... -(slaps) 321 00:12:30,809 --> 00:12:35,144 CHRIS: Keep my name out your (bleep) mouth! 322 00:12:35,163 --> 00:12:38,590 PETER: Wow, dude, it was a zoo joke. 323 00:12:38,817 --> 00:12:42,969 CHRIS: Keep my name out your (bleep) mouth! 324 00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,581 Just a heads-up: I have an itinerary 325 00:12:47,675 --> 00:12:50,009 that we have to stick to or I'll get really angry. 326 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,603 Everyone loves a guy like me. 327 00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:53,104 All right, let's go. 328 00:12:53,331 --> 00:12:57,500 How is it always 25 degrees hotter here than anywhere else? 329 00:12:57,519 --> 00:12:59,426 Mom, are you okay? 330 00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:02,113 Oh, of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay? 331 00:13:02,190 --> 00:13:03,840 I'm at the zoo! 332 00:13:03,933 --> 00:13:05,675 After 30 years of asking Daddy 333 00:13:05,844 --> 00:13:08,177 to take me to the zoo, here I am! 334 00:13:08,196 --> 00:13:09,603 What else do you want, honey? Huh? 335 00:13:09,697 --> 00:13:12,439 My clothes? My car? You want to screw my husband? 336 00:13:12,534 --> 00:13:14,441 I wouldn't. I hear that husband of hers 337 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,461 ain't hitting the mark, if you catch my drift. 338 00:13:16,612 --> 00:13:18,963 Lois, will you take this little one to the bathroom? 339 00:13:19,115 --> 00:13:20,447 Fine. 340 00:13:20,542 --> 00:13:23,468 We'll wait here for you while I read this sign out loud. 341 00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:25,804 "No flash photography." 342 00:13:26,031 --> 00:13:28,622 Huh, I guess that means no photos with flashes, 343 00:13:28,716 --> 00:13:30,124 if I'm reading this right. 344 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,811 Interesting. Is there anyone who hasn't read this sign? 345 00:13:32,962 --> 00:13:34,562 I can summarize it for you. 346 00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:38,483 (toilet flushing) 347 00:13:39,635 --> 00:13:41,528 So unfair. 348 00:13:42,397 --> 00:13:44,564 Ugh, I look like Ron Weasley. 349 00:13:44,716 --> 00:13:47,884 I'm now a real estate broker in Winnersh. 350 00:13:47,902 --> 00:13:49,536 (door creaks) 351 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,889 Tatum? Tatum? 352 00:13:52,907 --> 00:13:55,149 WOMAN: Could you be quiet? I'm trying to wipe myself 353 00:13:55,243 --> 00:13:57,985 with the thinnest toilet paper known to humankind. 354 00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,171 Why does that require silence? 355 00:14:01,416 --> 00:14:02,656 Tatum?! 356 00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:04,083 Oh, hey, Lois. What's wrong? 357 00:14:04,252 --> 00:14:06,994 Peter, you got to help me. I lost Tatum! 358 00:14:07,163 --> 00:14:09,830 Uh, we went into the bathroom, but now she's gone! 359 00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:12,909 Well, if this isn't an excuse to climb a giraffe's neck, 360 00:14:13,078 --> 00:14:14,018 I don't know what is. 361 00:14:14,170 --> 00:14:15,186 You see her? 362 00:14:15,338 --> 00:14:17,597 No, but do you see those hippos doing it? 363 00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:19,190 Giraffe! 364 00:14:23,679 --> 00:14:26,197 ♪ ♪ 365 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,183 There you are, Lois. 366 00:14:29,319 --> 00:14:31,018 I bought Tatum this stuffed penguin 367 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,204 that didn't require washing blood and semen off it 368 00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:34,931 like the one you found for Stewie. 369 00:14:34,949 --> 00:14:36,115 Wha-wha-whaa? 370 00:14:36,267 --> 00:14:39,936 Uh, Daddy, I-I sort of lost Tatum. 371 00:14:39,954 --> 00:14:42,772 -You what?! -I swear it was an accident. 372 00:14:42,774 --> 00:14:44,716 Don't worry, Lois. We'll split up and look for her. 373 00:14:44,867 --> 00:14:47,126 On it. (grunts) 374 00:14:47,278 --> 00:14:49,888 Damn it, Chris! Now that's gonna be in our Fox promo. 375 00:14:50,039 --> 00:14:51,297 -Sorry, Dad. -Sorry, Dad. 376 00:14:51,374 --> 00:14:52,539 ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Fox: 377 00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:55,635 Chris Griffin meets... Chris Griffin? 378 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,637 Aw, there it goes. 379 00:14:57,731 --> 00:14:59,272 Sorry. 380 00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:03,809 Hey, you looking for that kid? 381 00:15:03,962 --> 00:15:06,905 Grab those keys and come in here and I'll tell you where she is. 382 00:15:07,132 --> 00:15:08,239 Ha. Nice try. 383 00:15:08,391 --> 00:15:10,349 I see that other wolf hiding behind the rock. 384 00:15:10,485 --> 00:15:12,410 Come on. Hey, you like scotch? 385 00:15:12,561 --> 00:15:15,638 I got a 21-year Macallan in here. Let's have a drink. 386 00:15:15,657 --> 00:15:17,990 How does a wolf get a 21-year Macallan? 387 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,751 It was a gift from a friend. 388 00:15:19,827 --> 00:15:20,752 Pretty good friend. 389 00:15:20,903 --> 00:15:22,736 -Hey, what do you do? -I'm a writer. 390 00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,997 -Wait a minute. What's your name? -Brian Griffin. 391 00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,074 Brian Griffin? I knew I recognized you. 392 00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:28,167 I read your book. 393 00:15:28,319 --> 00:15:30,169 You read Faster Than the Speed of Love? 394 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,413 I sure did, and thanks for saying the title. 395 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,058 Well, maybe I will come in for a Macallan. 396 00:15:36,828 --> 00:15:39,011 ♪ ♪ 397 00:15:39,164 --> 00:15:41,314 He didn't read my book. 398 00:15:44,169 --> 00:15:47,670 So I said, "What, are we returning Chris?" 399 00:15:47,763 --> 00:15:50,006 Chris is my son. 400 00:15:50,024 --> 00:15:51,691 All right, too smart for the room. 401 00:15:51,843 --> 00:15:52,692 What else? What else? 402 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:53,952 Uh, you know, I hear the elephants 403 00:15:54,179 --> 00:15:55,319 are asking for a raise. 404 00:15:55,546 --> 00:15:58,181 Yeah, they're tired of working for peanuts. 405 00:15:58,274 --> 00:15:59,865 Why aren't you guys laughing? 406 00:16:00,018 --> 00:16:01,534 Our hyena president was shot. 407 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,853 I know it's not a big deal in the human world, 408 00:16:03,871 --> 00:16:04,963 but it mattered to us. 409 00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:08,007 But please continue. We want to feel normal. 410 00:16:09,194 --> 00:16:10,359 Any sign of Tatum? 411 00:16:10,378 --> 00:16:12,619 -No. -What's going on over there? 412 00:16:12,714 --> 00:16:14,347 (people murmuring) 413 00:16:16,551 --> 00:16:18,685 ♪ ♪ 414 00:16:20,371 --> 00:16:23,039 Oh, my God! Tatum's in the gorilla pit! 415 00:16:23,057 --> 00:16:25,057 Oh, no. (yawns) 416 00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:27,226 Sorry, that was a bad time to yawn. 417 00:16:27,378 --> 00:16:29,320 ♪ ♪ 418 00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,234 Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker, 419 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,328 live on the scene at Newport Zoo, 420 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,889 where a young girl has fallen into the gorilla pit. 421 00:16:39,907 --> 00:16:42,225 The zoo wrangler, or a man in khaki shorts 422 00:16:42,243 --> 00:16:43,726 I can only assume is an expert, 423 00:16:43,745 --> 00:16:46,487 is now being lowered into the pit to rescue the child. 424 00:16:46,564 --> 00:16:47,672 -(gorillas snarling) -(man screaming) 425 00:16:47,899 --> 00:16:50,733 And is now being ripped limb from limb. 426 00:16:50,752 --> 00:16:52,010 -(screaming stops) -Uhp, hang on. 427 00:16:52,161 --> 00:16:54,920 He appears to be okay and is now exiting the pit. 428 00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,663 Nope, correction, that's just his face. 429 00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:59,350 A gorilla has ripped it off and is wearing it 430 00:16:59,502 --> 00:17:01,561 and is now walking out of the park. 431 00:17:03,264 --> 00:17:06,599 Say, could you direct me to your town's banana district? 432 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,918 ♪ ♪ 433 00:17:08,936 --> 00:17:11,279 Somebody, please! Save her! 434 00:17:17,945 --> 00:17:19,095 Lois, what the hell are you doing? 435 00:17:19,188 --> 00:17:20,538 I have to, Brian. 436 00:17:20,689 --> 00:17:21,855 This is all my fault. 437 00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:23,666 (grunts) 438 00:17:24,452 --> 00:17:25,877 (roaring) 439 00:17:26,028 --> 00:17:27,694 -(grunts) -(people gasp) 440 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,047 -Lois! -Mom! 441 00:17:29,198 --> 00:17:32,032 Wow, from this angle, you can really see Lois's roots. 442 00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,776 (gorillas growling) 443 00:17:33,795 --> 00:17:36,036 Nice gorillas. 444 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,222 I'm a big fan of your glue. 445 00:17:38,374 --> 00:17:40,099 They do make good glue. 446 00:17:41,953 --> 00:17:43,210 My God, I can't watch. 447 00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:46,622 Look, a baby gorilla who can't stop sneezing. 448 00:17:46,715 --> 00:17:48,691 (sneezing) 449 00:17:51,963 --> 00:17:52,904 ALL: Aw. 450 00:17:53,055 --> 00:17:54,238 LOIS: Peter! 451 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:58,076 (growling) 452 00:17:58,303 --> 00:18:00,578 Peter, what do I do?! 453 00:18:00,729 --> 00:18:02,138 Tell them about your dream! 454 00:18:02,231 --> 00:18:04,490 What? They can't understand me! 455 00:18:04,642 --> 00:18:07,118 Doesn't matter. It's all tone and body language. 456 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,161 Trust me, they'll know they don't want to be there. 457 00:18:09,314 --> 00:18:12,164 Well, uh, it's interesting you should say that 458 00:18:12,317 --> 00:18:15,075 'cause I did have a particularly weird dream last night. 459 00:18:15,169 --> 00:18:16,427 Tell them how you were in our house 460 00:18:16,654 --> 00:18:19,097 but it was somehow different than our regular house. 461 00:18:19,248 --> 00:18:20,914 Well, we were in our house, 462 00:18:21,008 --> 00:18:22,992 except the laundry machine was in our kitchen, 463 00:18:23,085 --> 00:18:24,251 if you can believe it. 464 00:18:24,345 --> 00:18:26,329 And it wasn't like our normal laundry machine. 465 00:18:26,422 --> 00:18:27,663 It was more like our refrigerator. 466 00:18:27,756 --> 00:18:28,922 PETER: Yeah, run with that. 467 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:32,501 Oh, and Bonnie's brother was there, too, for some reason, 468 00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:34,503 which is totally random 'cause I haven't seen him 469 00:18:34,522 --> 00:18:36,522 in, like, oh, my God, seven years. 470 00:18:36,674 --> 00:18:38,783 But, you know, I did see a Facebook post of him 471 00:18:38,934 --> 00:18:40,118 from, like, a month ago, 472 00:18:40,269 --> 00:18:42,102 so maybe that had something to do with it. 473 00:18:42,196 --> 00:18:43,270 Let's just go. 474 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,956 No. I want to hear how this ends, 475 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,365 then tell her my dream. 476 00:18:46,517 --> 00:18:48,851 Anyway, I was doing the wash, 477 00:18:48,870 --> 00:18:50,962 and smoke was coming out the machine, 478 00:18:51,113 --> 00:18:53,464 but it was more like a fog than a smoke. 479 00:18:53,541 --> 00:18:55,299 Lois! 480 00:18:55,526 --> 00:18:57,593 ♪ ♪ 481 00:19:03,868 --> 00:19:05,217 Thanks for saving my life. 482 00:19:05,370 --> 00:19:06,886 Well, it was kind of my fault 483 00:19:07,038 --> 00:19:08,795 you were there in the first place. 484 00:19:08,890 --> 00:19:10,706 I hope you can forgive me. 485 00:19:10,799 --> 00:19:12,817 I always wanted a big sister. 486 00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:15,027 ♪ ♪ 487 00:19:17,899 --> 00:19:19,048 How dumb do you have to be 488 00:19:19,141 --> 00:19:21,475 to walk into a gorilla pit, eh, Brian? 489 00:19:21,569 --> 00:19:22,309 Brian? 490 00:19:22,403 --> 00:19:24,829 So, you've all read my book? 491 00:19:25,056 --> 00:19:27,314 ♪ ♪ 492 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:30,317 They had read my book; they just didn't like it. 493 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:34,230 And, Daddy, I'm so sorry for the way I acted. 494 00:19:34,248 --> 00:19:35,581 I guess I was just jealous 495 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,675 of all the attention you were giving Tatum 496 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:40,845 and afraid that she'd taken my place as your daughter. 497 00:19:40,996 --> 00:19:44,256 Lois, the reason I've been giving Tatum so much attention 498 00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:47,518 is because I know how badly I screwed up with you. 499 00:19:47,745 --> 00:19:51,430 I was never there, and it's the biggest regret of my life. 500 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:54,025 I'd give anything to go back and have a second chance 501 00:19:54,176 --> 00:19:56,176 to be a better father to you. 502 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,238 Unfortunately, Tatum's as close as I'll get. 503 00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:05,703 Well, I'm sorry I became a bit of a monster. 504 00:20:05,854 --> 00:20:07,187 I was just jealous. 505 00:20:07,281 --> 00:20:08,372 Trust me, that was nothing. 506 00:20:08,599 --> 00:20:10,282 When you were born, Babs was so jealous 507 00:20:10,435 --> 00:20:11,692 of the attention you got, 508 00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:14,378 she used to put your head in the oven and try to cook you. 509 00:20:14,530 --> 00:20:16,530 -Did I never tell you that? -What? No. 510 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,941 That's... that's kind of disturbing. 511 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:20,867 Yeah, well, that's the Pewterschmidts. 512 00:20:20,962 --> 00:20:23,112 CARTER (to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme): ♪ The Pewterschmidts ♪ 513 00:20:23,130 --> 00:20:25,056 ♪ The Pewterschmidts ♪ 514 00:20:25,207 --> 00:20:26,724 ♪ We had three other kids who did not live ♪ 515 00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:28,059 ♪ Ba ba da ba. ♪ 516 00:20:32,306 --> 00:20:33,639 ♪ ♪ 517 00:20:33,791 --> 00:20:37,217 Look at this, all of us eating together as a family. 518 00:20:37,311 --> 00:20:39,645 This is the closeness we missed with Lois. 519 00:20:39,797 --> 00:20:40,738 What? 520 00:20:40,815 --> 00:20:42,723 I said this is the closeness 521 00:20:42,817 --> 00:20:44,300 we missed with Lois! 522 00:20:44,318 --> 00:20:46,560 -Tatum, how's your applesauce? -What? 523 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,829 This isn't working. You have to leave. 524 00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:52,491 -What's happening? -They can't hear each other. 525 00:20:52,568 --> 00:20:54,669 Ha. Big table.