1
00:00:02,165 --> 00:00:04,330
\h♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

2
00:00:04,330 --> 00:00:07,330
♪ Is violence in movies
\h\h\h\hand sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:07,330 --> 00:00:11,462
\h\h\h♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,462 --> 00:00:14,462
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

5
00:00:14,462 --> 00:00:17,462
♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

6
00:00:17,462 --> 00:00:21,297
♪ Lucky there’s a man who
\h\h\hpositively can do ♪

7
00:00:21,297 --> 00:00:23,132
♪ All the things that make us ♪

8
00:00:23,132 --> 00:00:24,132
♪ Laugh and cry ♪

9
00:00:24,132 --> 00:00:30,660
\h\h\h♪ He’s... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

10
00:00:36,660 --> 00:00:38,495
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hStewie?
What are you doing up?

11
00:00:38,495 --> 00:00:41,396
\h\h\hLois had three lattes
and a bottle of wine today,

12
00:00:44,132 --> 00:00:47,132
so her breast milk was
basically a speedball.\h\h\h\h-You?
-I’m writing.

13
00:00:44,132 --> 00:00:47,132
\h\h\hThe last two months I’ve
really gotten my act together.

14
00:00:47,132 --> 00:00:50,594
\hI stopped drinking, and I’m
about to self-publish a book.

15
00:00:50,594 --> 00:00:52,462
\hUgh. None of the
big boys bit, huh?

16
00:00:52,462 --> 00:00:55,198
No, it’s fine. I’m actually
\h\h\hat a point in my life

17
00:00:55,198 --> 00:00:57,528
\hwhere I don’t need
external validation.

18
00:00:57,528 --> 00:00:59,594
\h\h\hI’m just proud of
accomplishing my goal.

19
00:00:59,594 --> 00:01:01,099
\h\h\hThat’s great.
I’m happy for you.

20
00:01:01,099 --> 00:01:02,561
Even if your privilege
\h\h\h\h\h\his showing.

21
00:01:02,561 --> 00:01:04,099
\h\h\h\hPrivilege?
I worked hard to...

22
00:01:04,099 --> 00:01:06,165
Ooh, white fragility much,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBrian?

23
00:01:06,165 --> 00:01:08,429
Okay, maybe I’ve had
\hcertain advantages,

24
00:01:08,429 --> 00:01:09,528
-but how...
\h\h\h-How?

25
00:01:09,528 --> 00:01:10,528
It’s not our job

26
00:01:10,528 --> 00:01:12,462
\h\h\h\h\hto solve
your problems, pal.

27
00:01:12,462 --> 00:01:13,660
-Do the work.
\h\h\h\h-Our?

28
00:01:13,660 --> 00:01:15,660
I-- Who are you even
\h\h\htalking about?

29
00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:17,363
\h\h\hWell, not you,
you big honky Karen.

30
00:01:17,363 --> 00:01:20,396
Ha. I’m just, I’m just
riding your jock, Bri.

31
00:01:20,396 --> 00:01:22,165
That’s amazing you wrote a book.

32
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:22,693
Well, thanks.

33
00:01:22,693 --> 00:01:23,726
You know, I’m having a little

34
00:01:23,726 --> 00:01:25,099
publishing party on Thursday.

35
00:01:25,099 --> 00:01:26,099
I’d love it if you could come.

36
00:01:26,099 --> 00:01:29,627
Yeah. Uh, Rupert, do we have
\h\h\h\hanything on Thursday?

37
00:01:30,033 --> 00:01:32,396
Okay, then, looks like
\h\h\hwe’re good to go.

38
00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:36,660
\h\hAwesome. All right, Stewie.
I’m gonna go get some shut-eye.

39
00:01:36,660 --> 00:01:38,759
Way to think fast, you dope.

40
00:01:40,528 --> 00:01:45,165
Now we have to go.You can’t?!

41
00:01:40,528 --> 00:01:45,165
Oh, now you have something
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon Thursday?

42
00:01:49,165 --> 00:01:50,660
Griffin, what are you doing?

43
00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,264
\h\hOh, hey, Preston,
I’m glad you’re here.

44
00:01:52,264 --> 00:01:57,099
I’m about to test the prototype
for "Deskpoline."

45
00:01:57,099 --> 00:02:00,759
Oh... Top will need
\h\h\hto be bouncy.

46
00:02:00,759 --> 00:02:02,165
Anyway, what can I do you for?

47
00:02:02,165 --> 00:02:04,462
\h\hI’m sorry to say
I have some bad news.

48
00:02:04,462 --> 00:02:06,165
Well, that was tough
\h\h\h\hto hear, sir,

49
00:02:06,165 --> 00:02:08,000
but thanks for giving it
\h\h\h\h\hto me straight.

50
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,099
I haven’t even told you yet.

51
00:02:09,099 --> 00:02:11,297
Stella will be gone
\h\hfor six weeks.

52
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,330
She’s taking a bereavement
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hleave.

53
00:02:13,330 --> 00:02:14,099
Her husband died?

54
00:02:14,099 --> 00:02:17,561
Okay, Peter, you got six weeks
\h\h\h\h\h\hto lose 100 pounds

55
00:02:17,561 --> 00:02:19,759
and get divorced.
\hLet’s do this.

56
00:02:19,759 --> 00:02:21,264
No, Peter, it was her cat.

57
00:02:21,264 --> 00:02:24,231
Employees now get six weeks to
\h\h\hmourn the loss of a pet.

58
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:29,000
\h\h\h\hIt’s our way of saying,
"Your animal died, so thanks."

59
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,528
\h\h\h\h\hWait, hang on,
let me get this straight.

60
00:02:30,528 --> 00:02:32,066
If your pet dies,

61
00:02:32,066 --> 00:02:33,528
you get six weeks off?

62
00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:35,000
Yes.

63
00:02:36,099 --> 00:02:40,561
Let’s see how long you last
\h\hwith no brakes, Brian.

64
00:02:51,066 --> 00:02:52,627
(squeaking)

65
00:02:52,627 --> 00:02:55,231
Huh, brake’s out.

66
00:02:55,231 --> 00:02:58,528
Nice try, Peter. Fortunately,
\h\h\h\hyou can stop a Prius

67
00:02:58,528 --> 00:03:01,198
by cupping the wind.

68
00:03:10,033 --> 00:03:13,165
Hello, and welcome
\hto Quahog Books.

69
00:03:13,165 --> 00:03:16,759
\hAll we ask is that you please
don’t see what you want in here

70
00:03:16,759 --> 00:03:21,198
\h\hand then just order it
from Amazon on your phone.

71
00:03:21,363 --> 00:03:26,033
\h\h\h\h\hAnd now, reading from
his new book Chasing My Tale...

72
00:03:26,033 --> 00:03:26,759
Tale is spelled T-A-L-E,

73
00:03:26,759 --> 00:03:28,132
not like the thing on my butt.

74
00:03:28,132 --> 00:03:32,528
...please welcome author
\h\h\h\h\hBrian Griffin.

75
00:03:32,528 --> 00:03:33,429
(applause)

76
00:03:33,429 --> 00:03:35,363
Thank you so much for being here

77
00:03:35,363 --> 00:03:37,462
to celebrate my book
\h\hbeing published.

78
00:03:37,462 --> 00:03:40,066
\h\h\h-Self-published.
-Why are you even here?

79
00:03:40,066 --> 00:03:42,429
\hJust a hunch.
Please proceed.

80
00:03:42,429 --> 00:03:44,330
(clears throat)

81
00:03:44,330 --> 00:03:46,033
"My mother was a huge bitch,

82
00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:48,264
"and I lost my virginity
\h\h\hat six months old.

83
00:03:48,264 --> 00:03:51,297
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Oh, I’m sorry,
I should have told you first,

84
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,099
"I’m a dog.

85
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:54,264
"So I turned to Fran Lebowitz
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand said,

86
00:03:54,264 --> 00:03:56,231
"’I may have been born
\h\h\h\h\hin a litter,

87
00:03:56,231 --> 00:03:58,363
"but I’m definitely not trash.’

88
00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,561
"Then she put on my jeans
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand left.

89
00:04:00,561 --> 00:04:03,297
"And so, as the sweet
\h\h\h\hmango flavor

90
00:04:03,297 --> 00:04:05,594
"hit my lungs for the last time,

91
00:04:05,594 --> 00:04:09,198
\h"I placed the vape pen
on Nelson Mandela’s grave

92
00:04:09,198 --> 00:04:11,561
"and knew that we were both now,

93
00:04:11,561 --> 00:04:14,660
"in a sense, finally free.

94
00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:20,429
\h\h\hThe beginning."
Thank you. Thank you.

95
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:23,693
God, that took forever.

96
00:04:23,693 --> 00:04:25,759
I know. I gotta go.

97
00:04:25,759 --> 00:04:29,099
\h\hThe twins have
a volleyball game.

98
00:04:30,462 --> 00:04:32,066
-There you go, Seamus.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Thanks.

99
00:04:32,066 --> 00:04:35,000
I’ll put it right on my shelf.

100
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,165
Hey, thanks so much
for coming, Stewie.

101
00:04:37,165 --> 00:04:38,165
\hOf course.
What a night.

102
00:04:38,165 --> 00:04:41,000
I mean, most authors wouldn’t
\h\hhave read the whole book.

103
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,000
\h\h\h\h\hI just felt it
from the crowd, you know?

104
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,561
Anyway, it means everything
\h\h\h\h\hto have you here,

105
00:04:45,561 --> 00:04:47,165
so thanks again.

106
00:04:47,165 --> 00:04:50,000
\hOh, another hand
for Brian Griffin.

107
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,495
And if the eight of you could
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hsomehow buy

108
00:04:51,495 --> 00:04:53,594
a quarter of a million dollars
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hworth of books,

109
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:57,330
tomorrow I won’t have to marry
\h\h\h\ha man I’ve never loved.

110
00:04:57,330 --> 00:04:59,363
Thank you.

111
00:05:01,660 --> 00:05:03,726
Excuse me, could you please
\h\h\h\h\hdirect me to the

112
00:05:03,726 --> 00:05:05,429
"about to die" section?

113
00:05:05,429 --> 00:05:06,561
Sure, right this way.

114
00:05:06,561 --> 00:05:09,594
We have this snake who’s tying
\h\h\h\h\hhimself into a noose,

115
00:05:09,594 --> 00:05:11,693
-this near-death gerbil...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-BRUCE: Dibs!

116
00:05:11,693 --> 00:05:14,429
\h\hAnd I’ll take his
cardboard tube, too.

117
00:05:14,429 --> 00:05:15,594
I snoozed and I lost.

118
00:05:15,594 --> 00:05:18,000
\h\h\h\h\hYou’ve heard of
a Japanese fighting fish?

119
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,495
\h\hThis is a Japanese
honorable suicide fish.

120
00:05:20,495 --> 00:05:23,627
He got fired eight months ago
\hand hasn’t told his family.

121
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:26,660
He spends all day in a suit
\h\h\h\h\hriding the train.

122
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,627
Too much backstory.

123
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,165
We also have a very old parrot.

124
00:05:29,165 --> 00:05:31,429
-Or you can kill my mother
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor money.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-What?

125
00:05:31,429 --> 00:05:33,000
\h\hI said we have
a very old parrot.

126
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,396
Why, did you hear something else
you’d be open to?

127
00:05:35,396 --> 00:05:37,462
Family, may I kindly
\h\h\h\hintroduce you

128
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:40,594
\h\h\h\h\hto our ticket to
six weeks bereavement leave

129
00:05:40,594 --> 00:05:42,627
in lovely Puerto Vallarta:

130
00:05:42,627 --> 00:05:44,264
an 80-year-old parrot.

131
00:05:44,264 --> 00:05:47,033
\h\h\h\h\hI call him Gonzo,
’cause of The Muppet Show.

132
00:05:47,033 --> 00:05:49,132
And also ’cause soon, he gone!

133
00:05:49,132 --> 00:05:52,033
Peter, I don’t want
\hsome elderly bird

134
00:05:52,033 --> 00:05:53,297
crapping all over the house.

135
00:05:53,297 --> 00:05:54,726
Fine. If I can’t have
\h\h\h\h\hthe parrot,

136
00:05:54,726 --> 00:05:58,264
\h\hyou can only have one
pink razor in the shower

137
00:05:58,264 --> 00:06:00,066
at a time.

138
00:06:00,066 --> 00:06:02,000
You can have your bird.

139
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,528
(sniffing)

140
00:06:03,528 --> 00:06:07,429
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(sniffs)
Ooh, you smell that, Brian?

141
00:06:07,429 --> 00:06:08,462
First fire of the season.

142
00:06:08,462 --> 00:06:11,297
\hIt won’t be long before
the leaves start changing

143
00:06:11,297 --> 00:06:12,594
and the sap starts flowing.

144
00:06:12,594 --> 00:06:14,462
Let’s just look around
\h\h\h\h\h\hand take in

145
00:06:16,033 --> 00:06:18,495
the pageantry of autumn.Chris, Bonnie’s gone to bed.

146
00:06:16,033 --> 00:06:18,495
She’s not gonna open
\hher curtains again.

147
00:06:18,495 --> 00:06:20,627
Just take your dump
\h\h\hand let’s go.

148
00:06:20,627 --> 00:06:22,594
Hey, check it out.

149
00:06:23,099 --> 00:06:24,231
A little free library.

150
00:06:24,231 --> 00:06:27,198
\hHow white people make
giving away their trash

151
00:06:27,198 --> 00:06:30,198
seem like generosity.

152
00:06:31,066 --> 00:06:34,198
\h\h\hWhat the...
Is this my book?

153
00:06:35,660 --> 00:06:38,033
This is the copy
I gave to Stewie.

154
00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:40,363
Why, did he even bring it home?

155
00:06:40,363 --> 00:06:42,693
\h\hIs our friendship
worth nothing to him?

156
00:06:42,693 --> 00:06:44,231
I’m gonna go home
\hand give him--

157
00:06:44,231 --> 00:06:45,594
Oh, Bonnie opened her curtains.

158
00:06:45,594 --> 00:06:48,429
BONNIE (laughing):
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOoh!

159
00:06:48,429 --> 00:06:52,066
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Mmm.
-JOE: Sounds like somebody’s
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hhaving fun.

160
00:06:52,066 --> 00:06:54,198
Joe? I thought that was you.

161
00:06:54,198 --> 00:06:55,264
Ah, goodness no.

162
00:06:55,264 --> 00:06:58,660
Pass me a Michael Crichton.
\h\hShe’s gonna be a while.

163
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:05,429
Does this look familiar, Stewie?

164
00:07:05,429 --> 00:07:07,561
It’s the culmination
\hof my life’s work,

165
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,693
\h\h\h\h\hand it was in
the little free library

166
00:07:09,693 --> 00:07:11,330
being given away!

167
00:07:11,330 --> 00:07:13,660
What? That’s so weird, man.

168
00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:15,330
-So how’d it end up there?
\h\h\h\h\h\h-I don’t know.

169
00:07:15,330 --> 00:07:18,066
\h\h\h\hSome liberal cuck
Marie Kondo-ed his loft?

170
00:07:18,066 --> 00:07:19,693
Well, it’s your copy,
\h\h\hso you tell me.

171
00:07:19,693 --> 00:07:22,231
\hThat’s ridiculous.
My copy is right here

172
00:07:22,231 --> 00:07:24,033
on my book shel-- What?

173
00:07:24,033 --> 00:07:26,264
-Not there, huh?
\h-No, it isn’t.

174
00:07:26,264 --> 00:07:28,033
-This is insane.
\h\h\h-Oh, is it?

175
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:31,000
\hLet me check my
security footage.

176
00:07:31,165 --> 00:07:33,198
\h\h\h\h\hCrazy, man.
The footage is gone.

177
00:07:33,198 --> 00:07:34,528
How did you even know
\h\h\hwhen to check?

178
00:07:34,528 --> 00:07:36,561
I didn’t tell you
when I found it.

179
00:07:36,561 --> 00:07:38,099
All the footage is gone.

180
00:07:38,099 --> 00:07:39,297
Somebody must have blown a jammy

181
00:07:39,297 --> 00:07:42,165
\h\h\h\h\hdown at central
and fried the whole grid.

182
00:07:42,165 --> 00:07:43,000
Total zapparino.

183
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,363
Just admit you got rid
\h\h\h\h\h\hof my book.

184
00:07:44,363 --> 00:07:47,429
Brian, not only did I not
\h\hgive away your book,

185
00:07:47,429 --> 00:07:48,693
I’m launching an investigation,

186
00:07:48,693 --> 00:07:51,330
-and I’m gonna nail
the guy who did it.
\h\h\h\h\h-Uh-huh.

187
00:07:51,330 --> 00:07:53,264
And maybe it’s more
\h\h\hthan one guy.

188
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:54,297
Maybe it’s a ring.

189
00:07:54,297 --> 00:07:56,231
A deep ring I can only penetrate

190
00:07:56,231 --> 00:07:57,495
by nailing a bunch of guys.

191
00:07:57,495 --> 00:07:59,363
Wait, are you still talking
\h\h\h\h\h\habout my book?

192
00:07:59,363 --> 00:08:01,660
Oh, yeah. Maybe it’s
too many guys for me

193
00:08:01,660 --> 00:08:03,627
and I have to bring in
\h\h\h\ha private dick.

194
00:08:03,627 --> 00:08:05,396
\h\h\h\hClose the door
on your way out, Brian.

195
00:08:05,396 --> 00:08:09,165
I need privacy to think
\habout dicks for hire.

196
00:08:13,495 --> 00:08:16,297
Thanks, Jerome, but I got this.

197
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,000
-Awesome.
\h-Whoa!
-So cool.

198
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,561
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, you know,
I only bought Gonzo just to die

199
00:08:22,561 --> 00:08:23,363
and go on vacation,

200
00:08:23,363 --> 00:08:25,462
\hbut now we’re having
the time of our lives.

201
00:08:25,462 --> 00:08:26,627
He’s like the son I never had.

202
00:08:26,627 --> 00:08:31,495
(whistles) Und du bist wie mein
dicker vater! (squawks)

203
00:08:31,495 --> 00:08:32,561
His language is so weird.

204
00:08:32,561 --> 00:08:35,462
It sounds like anger,
\hrepressed sexuality

205
00:08:35,462 --> 00:08:37,264
and a pig being shot
\h\h\hby a paintball.

206
00:08:37,264 --> 00:08:39,264
-Peter, that’s German.
\h\h\h-How do you know?

207
00:08:39,264 --> 00:08:41,726
\h\h\h\h\h\hI speak German.
I went on an exchange trip

208
00:08:41,726 --> 00:08:43,693
\h\hin high school,
and for some reason

209
00:08:43,693 --> 00:08:45,594
my parents never bought
\h\h\hthe airfare back.

210
00:08:45,594 --> 00:08:47,429
Cool. We can communicate
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith him.

211
00:08:47,429 --> 00:08:49,528
Joe, ask Gonzo where he’s from.

212
00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:50,693
Gonzo, woher kommst du?

213
00:08:50,693 --> 00:08:55,165
(whistles) Ich wurde 1942
\hin Düsseldorf geboren.

214
00:08:55,165 --> 00:08:59,561
\h\hMein besitzer hieß
Adolf Hitler. (squawks)

215
00:08:59,561 --> 00:09:00,594
I heard 1942.

216
00:09:00,594 --> 00:09:03,594
Peter, he just said his owner
\h\h\h\h\h\hwas Adolf Hitler.

217
00:09:03,594 --> 00:09:06,495
-Well, that can’t be right.
\h\h-Hitler had a what now?

218
00:09:06,495 --> 00:09:08,429
Look, it’s him.

219
00:09:13,660 --> 00:09:15,099
(whistles) Das bin ich.

220
00:09:15,099 --> 00:09:17,231
Icherinneremich daran.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(squawks)

221
00:09:17,231 --> 00:09:20,033
He said, "That’s me.
\h\hI remember that."

222
00:09:20,033 --> 00:09:22,330
Peter, your bird is a Nazi.

223
00:09:22,330 --> 00:09:23,660
That can’t be right.

224
00:09:23,660 --> 00:09:25,726
Uh, Nazi want a cracker?

225
00:09:25,726 --> 00:09:28,264
Nazi want a cracker.
\h\h\h\h\h\h(squawks)

226
00:09:28,264 --> 00:09:29,429
Oh, my God, you’re right.

227
00:09:29,429 --> 00:09:30,759
\h\h\hWow, good thing
you know German, Joe.

228
00:09:30,759 --> 00:09:33,099
Yeah, and just so you know,
\h\hthe German culture has

229
00:09:33,099 --> 00:09:36,330
\hvery different notions of
what’s cool to do sexually.

230
00:09:36,330 --> 00:09:40,033
So whatever happened over there
was completely normal,

231
00:09:40,033 --> 00:09:44,561
and I don’t think about it
\h\h\hduring quiet moments.

232
00:09:45,231 --> 00:09:47,561
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Joe?
-Nein caca! Nein!

233
00:09:47,561 --> 00:09:50,462
Ich no möcshte caca!

234
00:09:50,462 --> 00:09:55,066
I mean, uh, crazy about
\hPeter’s bird, right?

235
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:58,330
BRIAN:
Stewie!

236
00:09:58,330 --> 00:10:01,264
-I know you gave my book away.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-What is this?

237
00:10:01,264 --> 00:10:04,594
Everyone on our street
\h\hhas a ring camera.

238
00:10:08,627 --> 00:10:11,231
\h\hHello, I’m back.
You guys were right.

239
00:10:11,231 --> 00:10:13,330
\hMurdering strangers
is better than paying

240
00:10:13,330 --> 00:10:14,396
my credit card bill.

241
00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:16,462
Okay, fine, Brian,
\h\hyou caught me.

242
00:10:16,462 --> 00:10:18,528
I got rid of the book
you forced me to take

243
00:10:21,297 --> 00:10:25,693
\h\h\h\hafter you badgered me
into coming to your reading.Well, what the hell, Stewie?!

244
00:10:21,297 --> 00:10:25,693
I sat through your reading,
\h\hI said congratulations,

245
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:26,660
I took the book.

246
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,330
Where do my obligations end?

247
00:10:28,330 --> 00:10:31,099
\h\h\h\h\h\hObligations?
Are you so narcissistic,

248
00:10:33,363 --> 00:10:37,462
\hyou can’t do one
small thing for me?I’m narcissistic?

249
00:10:33,363 --> 00:10:37,462
\h\h\h\hYou’re the one who leaves
your book on display in my room.

250
00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:40,132
Oh, sorry it’s such a chore
\h\h\h\h\hto literally just

251
00:10:40,132 --> 00:10:41,495
keep a book on a book shelf.

252
00:10:41,495 --> 00:10:44,033
Okay, all right, even though
\h\h\h\hI only have e-books,

253
00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:49,132
\h\hhere’s your stupid book
on a shelf like it’s 1958.

254
00:10:49,132 --> 00:10:51,297
Did you even read
the inscription?

255
00:10:51,297 --> 00:10:53,429
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes.
-Well, then, what did it say?

256
00:10:53,429 --> 00:10:56,330
"From one hardbody to another."

257
00:10:56,330 --> 00:11:00,561
"To every author’s dream reader
and a true kindred spirit.

258
00:11:00,561 --> 00:11:03,528
\h"You lit the flame
that ignited my soul.

259
00:11:03,528 --> 00:11:05,594
"My best friend, my inspiration,

260
00:11:05,594 --> 00:11:08,330
"and the only person
\hwho truly gets me.

261
00:11:08,330 --> 00:11:13,198
I owe you everything.
\hB. Edward Griffin."

262
00:11:16,033 --> 00:11:18,594
Your initials are BEG?

263
00:11:20,066 --> 00:11:23,099
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, hey, Lois,
I just remembered that thing

264
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,396
I wanted to tell you before.

265
00:11:24,396 --> 00:11:26,627
Um, you ever heard of
\h\h\h\hAdolf Hitler?

266
00:11:26,627 --> 00:11:29,396
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes.
-Well, fun trivia.

267
00:11:29,396 --> 00:11:31,759
Gonzo was Adolf Hitler’s bird.

268
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,066
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat?
Peter, if you knew that,

269
00:11:34,066 --> 00:11:35,330
why the hell did you
\h\h\hbring that bird

270
00:11:35,330 --> 00:11:38,561
to Meg’s performance
\hof Sound of Music?

271
00:11:40,231 --> 00:11:42,693
\hSie sind hinter
dem großen Stein.

272
00:11:42,693 --> 00:11:43,759
(squawks) Nach links.

273
00:11:43,759 --> 00:11:48,264
He’s saying they’re behind
the big stone to the left!

274
00:11:48,495 --> 00:11:53,132
\h\h\h(whistles) Meine linke,
nicht Bühne linke! (squawks)

275
00:11:53,132 --> 00:11:57,033
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHe’s saying,
"My left, not stage left"!

276
00:11:57,561 --> 00:11:59,594
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCARTER:
You’re getting warmer.

277
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,099
What? The parents started it.

278
00:12:02,099 --> 00:12:03,066
It’s not his fault, Lois.

279
00:12:03,066 --> 00:12:05,264
He’s just repeating
what he was taught.

280
00:12:05,264 --> 00:12:05,660
By Hitler.

281
00:12:05,660 --> 00:12:07,759
\h\h\h\hYeah, that’s like
40% of America right now.

282
00:12:07,759 --> 00:12:10,099
\hPeter, if you don’t
get rid of that bird,

283
00:12:10,099 --> 00:12:12,066
I’m calling animal control.

284
00:12:12,066 --> 00:12:12,594
You do that

285
00:12:12,594 --> 00:12:14,231
-and I’ll make you pay.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-How?

286
00:12:14,231 --> 00:12:16,561
\hYou ever hear of
revenge porn, Lois?

287
00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:17,462
Peter, if you did that,

288
00:12:17,462 --> 00:12:19,462
then everyone would see
\h\h\h\h\h\hyour penis.

289
00:12:19,462 --> 00:12:21,231
I retract my threat.

290
00:12:21,231 --> 00:12:22,561
Please strike it
from the record.

291
00:12:22,561 --> 00:12:23,660
I’ll strike it if I can find it.

292
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:26,297
-You have any tweezers?
-No, I don’t have any--

293
00:12:26,297 --> 00:12:29,099
Oh, ha-ha-ha.

294
00:12:31,132 --> 00:12:33,660
Look at us restoring
\h\h\ha classic car.

295
00:12:33,660 --> 00:12:35,660
Yep, 2004 Saturn Ion.

296
00:12:35,660 --> 00:12:38,429
\h\h\h\hThis baby captures
all the glory of my youth.

297
00:12:38,429 --> 00:12:40,528
\h\h\h\h\hShrek 2 was
the number-one movie,

298
00:12:40,528 --> 00:12:42,231
Dane Cook made Myspace
\h\h\hthe place to be,

299
00:12:42,231 --> 00:12:46,132
and LimeWire helped you bankrupt
your favorite bands.

300
00:12:46,132 --> 00:12:47,165
What a year.

301
00:12:47,165 --> 00:12:49,000
Sorry, I don’t mean
\h\h\hto interrupt.

302
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,759
\h\hI just want to
throw out my laptop

303
00:12:50,759 --> 00:12:52,693
since I won’t be
writing anymore.

304
00:12:52,693 --> 00:12:55,495
Oh come on, Brian,
don’t be dramatic.

305
00:12:55,495 --> 00:12:58,198
Dramatic? Me? Pshaw!

306
00:12:58,198 --> 00:13:00,099
\hJust abandoning
my lifelong dream

307
00:13:00,099 --> 00:13:02,132
since even my best friend
\h\h\h\hcan’t support me.

308
00:13:02,132 --> 00:13:03,693
So you’re getting rid of
\h\hall your photos, too?

309
00:13:06,561 --> 00:13:08,330
No, I downloaded those to
\han external hard drive.How are you going

310
00:13:06,561 --> 00:13:08,330
-to watch movies in bed?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-My phone.

311
00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:11,759
\hCouldn’t you also still write
in the notes app on your phone?

312
00:13:11,759 --> 00:13:12,693
I deleted that app.

313
00:13:12,693 --> 00:13:14,330
Okay, but couldn’t you
\h\h\h\h\h\hstill write

314
00:13:14,330 --> 00:13:15,198
using pen and paper?

315
00:13:15,198 --> 00:13:17,000
I mean, I’m sorry to keep
\h\hpushing back on this,

316
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,462
\h\h\hit just feels like
throwing away the laptop

317
00:13:19,462 --> 00:13:21,231
is-is just unnecessary.

318
00:13:21,231 --> 00:13:23,132
You got your wish, Stewie,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI quit.

319
00:13:23,132 --> 00:13:25,198
You’ll never have to worry
\h\h\h\h\h\h\habout keeping

320
00:13:25,198 --> 00:13:26,231
one of my books again.

321
00:13:26,231 --> 00:13:28,462
Come on, Brian, be reasonable.

322
00:13:28,462 --> 00:13:30,066
That wasn’t my intention.

323
00:13:30,066 --> 00:13:32,033
Too bad. Goodbye, dream.

324
00:13:32,033 --> 00:13:33,495
Okay, last objection, I swear.

325
00:13:33,495 --> 00:13:35,033
But that’s actually
\h\hsupposed to go

326
00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:36,726
in a separate collection
\h\h\h\h\h\hfor e-waste,

327
00:13:36,726 --> 00:13:39,264
which is the last Friday
\h\h\h\h\hof every month.

328
00:13:39,264 --> 00:13:40,726
It’s fine.

329
00:13:43,726 --> 00:13:46,132
(beeping)

330
00:13:47,462 --> 00:13:49,561
Laptop! Laptop! Laptop!

331
00:13:57,594 --> 00:13:58,693
There he is, the genius

332
00:13:58,693 --> 00:14:00,165
\h\h-getting his inspo.
-(video game blipping)

333
00:14:00,165 --> 00:14:03,000
\h\h\h\h\h\h-What do you want?
-Look, here’s the thing, Brian.

334
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,099
I actually did like your book.

335
00:14:05,099 --> 00:14:06,099
Yeah, right.

336
00:14:06,099 --> 00:14:06,759
\h-I did.
-Me, too.

337
00:14:06,759 --> 00:14:07,693
Yeah, what’d you like about it?

338
00:14:07,693 --> 00:14:11,528
You wrote about kibble
with a lot of passion.

339
00:14:11,528 --> 00:14:12,627
Uh-huh.

340
00:14:12,627 --> 00:14:14,231
You described a lot of trees,

341
00:14:14,231 --> 00:14:17,726
\hand you also let us know
which ones were steadfast,

342
00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:20,264
which was a surprisingly
high percentage of them.

343
00:14:20,264 --> 00:14:22,660
\h-(game over sound)
-Ugh! It’s pointless.

344
00:14:22,660 --> 00:14:24,099
I’ve given writing
\h\hmy whole life,

345
00:14:24,099 --> 00:14:26,627
and I can’t even get ten people
to come to a reading.

346
00:14:26,627 --> 00:14:28,693
Hell, I’ve been playing
this game for 20 years,

347
00:14:28,693 --> 00:14:30,264
and I can’t even get
\h\h\h\hto level two.

348
00:14:30,264 --> 00:14:33,165
Really? That game is,
\h\hlike, very easy.

349
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:37,000
\h\h\h\hJust get out of here!
And leave me alone. Forever.

350
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,594
Chris, I can see his gums.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe’d better go.

351
00:14:39,594 --> 00:14:42,660
\h\hThis is terrible.
We have to help him.

352
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:44,198
I have a great idea.

353
00:14:44,198 --> 00:14:46,561
\h\h\h\h\h-What is it?
-Oh, no, not for this.

354
00:14:46,561 --> 00:14:49,165
Netflix... for guns.

355
00:14:49,165 --> 00:14:54,165
Stewie, you’re gonna be
\h\h\h\ha trillionaire.

356
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:58,198
Perhaps we can lift Brian
\h\h\h\h\hout of his funk

357
00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:01,627
if we get his book on The New
York Times Best Seller list.

358
00:15:01,627 --> 00:15:03,297
It would only take 1,500 copies.

359
00:15:03,297 --> 00:15:05,363
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-That’s it?
-Yes. And a lot of celebrities

360
00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:08,000
\h\hactually make the list
by buying their own books.

361
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,066
Wait, are you telling me that
\hsome of Donald Trump Jr.’s

362
00:15:11,066 --> 00:15:14,000
success isn’t based
\h\hon merit alone?

363
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:14,627
Yes, I am saying that.

364
00:15:14,627 --> 00:15:17,462
Still we can’t afford to buy
\h\h\h\h\h\hthat many copies.

365
00:15:17,462 --> 00:15:18,231
(computer chimes)

366
00:15:18,231 --> 00:15:21,000
\h\hBut Reese Witherspoon’s
manager just got back to me

367
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,066
about her book club.

368
00:15:22,066 --> 00:15:23,099
Stewie, this could be huge.

369
00:15:23,099 --> 00:15:25,462
Every alcoholic housewife
\h\h\h\h\hin this country

370
00:15:25,462 --> 00:15:27,363
\h\h\h\h\hdoes whatever
Reese Witherspoon says.

371
00:15:27,363 --> 00:15:31,495
"Unfortunately, Reese’s only
\h\h\hinterests are crawdads

372
00:15:34,627 --> 00:15:37,627
\h\h\h\h"and long hikes,
so she’s happily passing.No regrets."

373
00:15:34,627 --> 00:15:37,627
Now I’m glad her husband
Jim Toth failed at Quibi,

374
00:15:37,627 --> 00:15:40,561
\h\h\h\h\hreportedly straining
their Hollywood super-marriage.

375
00:15:40,561 --> 00:15:42,594
Oh, don’t be nasty, Chris.

376
00:15:42,594 --> 00:15:44,495
-Okay, plan C.
\h-What’s that?

377
00:15:44,495 --> 00:15:47,660
Use Lois’s account to buy
\hthree copies on Amazon.

378
00:15:47,660 --> 00:15:50,132
\h\h\h\hThat’ll get Brian
in the top 20 of Amazon’s

379
00:15:50,132 --> 00:15:54,726
\h\h\h"Canine Nonfiction
Under 60 Pages" category.

380
00:15:54,726 --> 00:15:56,132
\h\h\h\h\hOh, great.
All you have to do is

381
00:15:56,132 --> 00:15:58,000
click which of these
\h\h\hare crosswalks

382
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,429
to prove you’re not a robot.

383
00:15:59,429 --> 00:16:02,429
Well, uh... you do it.

384
00:16:02,429 --> 00:16:03,726
Come on, Chris, you...

385
00:16:03,726 --> 00:16:06,165
you’re not actually
\ha robot, are you?

386
00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:09,000
\h\h\h(robot voice):
Identity compromised.

387
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,297
Abort mission.

388
00:16:11,297 --> 00:16:12,726
\h\h(robot voice):
Greetings, sibling.

389
00:16:12,726 --> 00:16:16,000
\h\h\h\hI am Chris 2.0
with crosswalk update.

390
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,132
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, phew.
Okay, well, it’s refreshed,

391
00:16:18,132 --> 00:16:20,693
\hand now it needs you
to identify stop signs.

392
00:16:20,693 --> 00:16:23,198
If you will excuse me.

393
00:16:27,297 --> 00:16:30,099
So, what do you want to watch,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNazi bird?

394
00:16:30,099 --> 00:16:32,330
Fox. (squawks)

395
00:16:34,759 --> 00:16:37,363
Quick, Gonzo, we gotta go.

396
00:16:41,363 --> 00:16:43,561
Rabbi Goldstein, Peter Griffin.

397
00:16:43,561 --> 00:16:45,594
I’m sorry, am I bothering you?

398
00:16:45,594 --> 00:16:47,033
No, it’s fine.

399
00:16:47,033 --> 00:16:49,231
I’m just practicing circumcision

400
00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:54,066
on a kosher hot dog.How can I help you?

401
00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:54,066
I bought this parrot used,
\h\h\h\h\hand it turns out

402
00:16:54,066 --> 00:16:55,726
he’s Adolf Hitler’s old pet.

403
00:16:58,396 --> 00:17:00,495
And what do you want from me?Well, the word is out,

404
00:16:58,396 --> 00:17:00,495
and a bunch of people
\h\hwant to kill him.

405
00:17:00,495 --> 00:17:03,759
And I was thinking maybe
\hif you said he’s okay,

406
00:17:03,759 --> 00:17:05,231
maybe they’d back off.

407
00:17:05,231 --> 00:17:07,561
To seek vengeance or to forgive.

408
00:17:07,561 --> 00:17:11,396
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSuch a dilemma.
Let us see what it says in...

409
00:17:11,396 --> 00:17:12,528
(squawks) Torah.

410
00:17:12,528 --> 00:17:13,759
Torah? What’s that?

411
00:17:13,759 --> 00:17:15,231
Our sacred scrolls.

412
00:17:15,231 --> 00:17:18,462
Oh, I thought those was
\h\h\hrolls of Brawny.

413
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:23,363
Bar’chu et Adonai hamvorach.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(squawks)

414
00:17:23,363 --> 00:17:25,429
My friend, your bird is Jewish.

415
00:17:25,429 --> 00:17:29,693
He only pretended to be a Nazi
\h\h\h\h\h\hto survive the war.

416
00:17:29,693 --> 00:17:30,528
Gonzo’s Jewish?

417
00:17:30,528 --> 00:17:33,693
Peter, you have done
\ha wonderful thing.

418
00:17:33,693 --> 00:17:37,231
We must celebrate
with some matzah.

419
00:17:37,231 --> 00:17:40,396
As we say, L’Chaim!
\h\h\h\h\hTo life.

420
00:17:40,396 --> 00:17:43,033
-L’Chaim!
-L’Chaim!

421
00:17:43,759 --> 00:17:45,132
Pretty dry.

422
00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:48,429
(choking)

423
00:17:48,429 --> 00:17:51,033
(squawks)

424
00:17:52,297 --> 00:17:55,561
I think Gonzo lost his Chaim.

425
00:18:00,528 --> 00:18:04,099
Whoa, look at you, Brian.
\h\h\hBack in the saddle?

426
00:18:04,099 --> 00:18:06,033
\h\hWell, it’s like
Ray Bradbury said:

427
00:18:06,033 --> 00:18:07,759
\h\h\h"You only fail
if you stop writing."

428
00:18:07,759 --> 00:18:10,693
That’s a really healthy attitude
for someone who just failed.

429
00:18:10,693 --> 00:18:14,165
\h\hWell, it turns out my book
actually did find an audience.

430
00:18:14,165 --> 00:18:16,330
Right now, it’s number nine
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon Amazon’s

431
00:18:16,330 --> 00:18:18,165
"Mangy Mammal Memoirs" list.

432
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:20,231
LOIS: Who the hell used
\h\h\hmy Amazon account

433
00:18:20,231 --> 00:18:23,627
to order three copies
\h\hof Brian’s book?!

434
00:18:25,495 --> 00:18:28,627
(growling)Oh, boy.

435
00:18:25,495 --> 00:18:28,627
Great. So now after
having insulted me,

436
00:18:28,627 --> 00:18:30,132
you’ve deceived me.

437
00:18:30,132 --> 00:18:31,396
Thanks so much, pal.

438
00:18:31,396 --> 00:18:32,198
Why do you even care?

439
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:35,198
\h\hYou’re the one who said you
don’t need external validation.

440
00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:36,264
Of course that was a lie.

441
00:18:36,264 --> 00:18:38,528
\h\h\hAll I care about
is external validation.

442
00:18:42,231 --> 00:18:44,231
I’m a dog. "Good boy" is
literally the best thingyou can say to me.

443
00:18:42,231 --> 00:18:44,231
\hAnd the fact that
even my best friend

444
00:18:44,231 --> 00:18:47,495
\h\hdoesn’t want a free copy
of my book is-is devastating.

445
00:18:47,495 --> 00:18:49,660
Don’t you talk to me
\habout devastating.

446
00:18:49,660 --> 00:18:51,726
\h\h-What do you mean?
-Don’t you understand?

447
00:18:51,726 --> 00:18:54,363
Brian, I only got rid
\h\h\h\h\hof the book

448
00:18:54,363 --> 00:18:56,198
because I was jealous of you.

449
00:18:56,198 --> 00:18:57,198
Jealous? Why?

450
00:18:57,198 --> 00:19:00,528
\h\h\hBecause you set out to
do something, and you did it.

451
00:19:00,528 --> 00:19:02,033
Unlike me and my goals.

452
00:19:02,033 --> 00:19:05,198
\h\h\hEvery time I walked by
your book, it was a reminder

453
00:19:05,198 --> 00:19:07,198
of all that I haven’t
\h\h\h\haccomplished.

454
00:19:07,198 --> 00:19:09,033
I know I’m supposed to be
\h\h\h\h\hhappy for you,

455
00:19:09,033 --> 00:19:11,462
but when you succeed,
\h\h\hall it does is

456
00:19:11,462 --> 00:19:13,528
make me feel bad about myself.

457
00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:16,198
And you made me feel really bad.

458
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:19,528
Then I guess I really succeeded.

459
00:19:19,528 --> 00:19:22,000
You did. Big-time.

460
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,429
I’m proud of you, Brian.

461
00:19:26,396 --> 00:19:28,693
\h\h\h-Good boy.
-Thanks, Stewie.

462
00:19:28,693 --> 00:19:32,000
Now, please never do
\h\h\hanything again.

463
00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,660
-Friends?
-Friends.

464
00:19:37,165 --> 00:19:39,693
\hStill, it’d be nice
to sell a few books,

465
00:19:39,693 --> 00:19:41,231
to have anyone know my name.

466
00:19:41,231 --> 00:19:44,462
\h\h\hMeh. You ever heard of
Kirker Butler, Julius Sharpe,

467
00:19:44,462 --> 00:19:48,165
Cherry Chevapravatdumrong,
Chris Regan, David Goodman,

468
00:19:48,165 --> 00:19:49,759
Artie Johann, Patrick Meighan,

469
00:19:49,759 --> 00:19:51,198
Mike Desilets or Gary Janetti?

470
00:19:51,198 --> 00:19:54,033
They’re all Family Guy writers
\h\h\h\h\hwho’ve written books,

471
00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:55,660
and no one’s ever heard of them.

472
00:19:55,660 --> 00:19:57,363
Gary Janetti kind of
\h\h\h\hrings a bell.

473
00:19:59,033 --> 00:20:02,198
Yeah, he’s got a popular
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hInstagram,so he kind of broke through.

474
00:19:59,033 --> 00:20:02,198
But the rest of them,
\ha bunch of bitter,

475
00:20:02,198 --> 00:20:03,363
Emmy-less losers.

476
00:20:03,363 --> 00:20:05,396
Has Seth MacFarlane ever
\h\h\h\h\hwritten a book?

477
00:20:05,396 --> 00:20:06,462
\h-Oh, yeah.
-How’d it do?

478
00:20:06,462 --> 00:20:09,594
A signed copy is cheaper
\h\h\h\h\hthan a new one.

479
00:20:15,165 --> 00:20:17,495
Thank you, everybody,
\h\hfor coming today.

480
00:20:17,495 --> 00:20:20,132
Chris would like to say
\h\h\h\ha couple words.

481
00:20:20,132 --> 00:20:22,363
"Death came with friendly care.

482
00:20:22,363 --> 00:20:25,561
\h"The opening bud
to heaven conveyed,

483
00:20:25,561 --> 00:20:27,693
and bade it blossom there."

484
00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:29,660
Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

485
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:33,330
(playing "Every Morning"
\h\h\h\h\h\hby Sugar Ray)

486
00:20:33,330 --> 00:20:35,660
♪ ♪

487
00:20:39,660 --> 00:20:42,528
Ew, Dad, you could have
\h\h\hat least flushed

488
00:20:42,528 --> 00:20:44,066
before you put him in there.

489
00:20:44,066 --> 00:20:47,396
We all grieve in our own ways.

490
00:20:51,429 --> 00:20:56,000
These are our church shoes.
\h\h\hEverybody in the tub.

491
00:20:56,594 --> 00:21:00,297
\h\hPlease don’t forget
to sign the guest book.