\h♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies \h\h\h\hand sex on TV ♪
\h\h\h♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there’s a man who \h\h\hpositively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
\h\h\h♪ He’s... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hStewie? What are you doing up?
\h\h\hLois had three lattes and a bottle of wine today,
so her breast milk was basically a speedball.\h\h\h\h-You? -I’m writing.
\h\h\hThe last two months I’ve really gotten my act together.
\hI stopped drinking, and I’m about to self-publish a book.
\hUgh. None of the big boys bit, huh?
No, it’s fine. I’m actually \h\h\hat a point in my life
\hwhere I don’t need external validation.
\h\h\hI’m just proud of accomplishing my goal.
\h\h\hThat’s great. I’m happy for you.
Even if your privilege \h\h\h\h\h\his showing.
\h\h\h\hPrivilege? I worked hard to...
Ooh, white fragility much, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBrian?
Okay, maybe I’ve had \hcertain advantages,
-but how... \h\h\h-How?
It’s not our job
\h\h\h\h\hto solve your problems, pal.
-Do the work. \h\h\h\h-Our?
I-- Who are you even \h\h\htalking about?
\h\h\hWell, not you, you big honky Karen.
Ha. I’m just, I’m just riding your jock, Bri.
That’s amazing you wrote a book.
Well, thanks.
You know, I’m having a little
publishing party on Thursday.
I’d love it if you could come.
Yeah. Uh, Rupert, do we have \h\h\h\hanything on Thursday?
Okay, then, looks like \h\h\hwe’re good to go.
\h\hAwesome. All right, Stewie. I’m gonna go get some shut-eye.
Way to think fast, you dope.
Now we have to go.You can’t?!
Oh, now you have something \h\h\h\h\h\h\hon Thursday?
Griffin, what are you doing?
\h\hOh, hey, Preston, I’m glad you’re here.
I’m about to test the prototype for "Deskpoline."
Oh... Top will need \h\h\hto be bouncy.
Anyway, what can I do you for?
\h\hI’m sorry to say I have some bad news.
Well, that was tough \h\h\h\hto hear, sir,
but thanks for giving it \h\h\h\h\hto me straight.
I haven’t even told you yet.
Stella will be gone \h\hfor six weeks.
She’s taking a bereavement \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hleave.
Her husband died?
Okay, Peter, you got six weeks \h\h\h\h\h\hto lose 100 pounds
and get divorced. \hLet’s do this.
No, Peter, it was her cat.
Employees now get six weeks to \h\h\hmourn the loss of a pet.
\h\h\h\hIt’s our way of saying, "Your animal died, so thanks."
\h\h\h\h\hWait, hang on, let me get this straight.
If your pet dies,
you get six weeks off?
Yes.
Let’s see how long you last \h\hwith no brakes, Brian.
(squeaking)
Huh, brake’s out.
Nice try, Peter. Fortunately, \h\h\h\hyou can stop a Prius
by cupping the wind.
Hello, and welcome \hto Quahog Books.
\hAll we ask is that you please don’t see what you want in here
\h\hand then just order it from Amazon on your phone.
\h\h\h\h\hAnd now, reading from his new book Chasing My Tale...
Tale is spelled T-A-L-E,
not like the thing on my butt.
...please welcome author \h\h\h\h\hBrian Griffin.
(applause)
Thank you so much for being here
to celebrate my book \h\hbeing published.
\h\h\h-Self-published. -Why are you even here?
\hJust a hunch. Please proceed.
(clears throat)
"My mother was a huge bitch,
"and I lost my virginity \h\h\hat six months old.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Oh, I’m sorry, I should have told you first,
"I’m a dog.
"So I turned to Fran Lebowitz \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand said,
"’I may have been born \h\h\h\h\hin a litter,
"but I’m definitely not trash.’
"Then she put on my jeans \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand left.
"And so, as the sweet \h\h\h\hmango flavor
"hit my lungs for the last time,
\h"I placed the vape pen on Nelson Mandela’s grave
"and knew that we were both now,
"in a sense, finally free.
\h\h\hThe beginning." Thank you. Thank you.
God, that took forever.
I know. I gotta go.
\h\hThe twins have a volleyball game.
-There you go, Seamus. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Thanks.
I’ll put it right on my shelf.
Hey, thanks so much for coming, Stewie.
\hOf course. What a night.
I mean, most authors wouldn’t \h\hhave read the whole book.
\h\h\h\h\hI just felt it from the crowd, you know?
Anyway, it means everything \h\h\h\h\hto have you here,
so thanks again.
\hOh, another hand for Brian Griffin.
And if the eight of you could \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hsomehow buy
a quarter of a million dollars \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hworth of books,
tomorrow I won’t have to marry \h\h\h\ha man I’ve never loved.
Thank you.
Excuse me, could you please \h\h\h\h\hdirect me to the
"about to die" section?
Sure, right this way.
We have this snake who’s tying \h\h\h\h\hhimself into a noose,
-this near-death gerbil... \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-BRUCE: Dibs!
\h\hAnd I’ll take his cardboard tube, too.
I snoozed and I lost.
\h\h\h\h\hYou’ve heard of a Japanese fighting fish?
\h\hThis is a Japanese honorable suicide fish.
He got fired eight months ago \hand hasn’t told his family.
He spends all day in a suit \h\h\h\h\hriding the train.
Too much backstory.
We also have a very old parrot.
-Or you can kill my mother \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor money. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-What?
\h\hI said we have a very old parrot.
Why, did you hear something else you’d be open to?
Family, may I kindly \h\h\h\hintroduce you
\h\h\h\h\hto our ticket to six weeks bereavement leave
in lovely Puerto Vallarta:
an 80-year-old parrot.
\h\h\h\h\hI call him Gonzo, ’cause of The Muppet Show.
And also ’cause soon, he gone!
Peter, I don’t want \hsome elderly bird
crapping all over the house.
Fine. If I can’t have \h\h\h\h\hthe parrot,
\h\hyou can only have one pink razor in the shower
at a time.
You can have your bird.
(sniffing)
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(sniffs) Ooh, you smell that, Brian?
First fire of the season.
\hIt won’t be long before the leaves start changing
and the sap starts flowing.
Let’s just look around \h\h\h\h\h\hand take in
the pageantry of autumn.Chris, Bonnie’s gone to bed.
She’s not gonna open \hher curtains again.
Just take your dump \h\h\hand let’s go.
Hey, check it out.
A little free library.
\hHow white people make giving away their trash
seem like generosity.
\h\h\hWhat the... Is this my book?
This is the copy I gave to Stewie.
Why, did he even bring it home?
\h\hIs our friendship worth nothing to him?
I’m gonna go home \hand give him--
Oh, Bonnie opened her curtains.
BONNIE (laughing): \h\h\h\h\h\h\hOoh!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Mmm. -JOE: Sounds like somebody’s \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hhaving fun.
Joe? I thought that was you.
Ah, goodness no.
Pass me a Michael Crichton. \h\hShe’s gonna be a while.
Does this look familiar, Stewie?
It’s the culmination \hof my life’s work,
\h\h\h\h\hand it was in the little free library
being given away!
What? That’s so weird, man.
-So how’d it end up there? \h\h\h\h\h\h-I don’t know.
\h\h\h\hSome liberal cuck Marie Kondo-ed his loft?
Well, it’s your copy, \h\h\hso you tell me.
\hThat’s ridiculous. My copy is right here
on my book shel-- What?
-Not there, huh? \h-No, it isn’t.
-This is insane. \h\h\h-Oh, is it?
\hLet me check my security footage.
\h\h\h\h\hCrazy, man. The footage is gone.
How did you even know \h\h\hwhen to check?
I didn’t tell you when I found it.
All the footage is gone.
Somebody must have blown a jammy
\h\h\h\h\hdown at central and fried the whole grid.
Total zapparino.
Just admit you got rid \h\h\h\h\h\hof my book.
Brian, not only did I not \h\hgive away your book,
I’m launching an investigation,
-and I’m gonna nail the guy who did it. \h\h\h\h\h-Uh-huh.
And maybe it’s more \h\h\hthan one guy.
Maybe it’s a ring.
A deep ring I can only penetrate
by nailing a bunch of guys.
Wait, are you still talking \h\h\h\h\h\habout my book?
Oh, yeah. Maybe it’s too many guys for me
and I have to bring in \h\h\h\ha private dick.
\h\h\h\hClose the door on your way out, Brian.
I need privacy to think \habout dicks for hire.
Thanks, Jerome, but I got this.
-Awesome. \h-Whoa! -So cool.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, you know, I only bought Gonzo just to die
and go on vacation,
\hbut now we’re having the time of our lives.
He’s like the son I never had.
(whistles) Und du bist wie mein dicker vater! (squawks)
His language is so weird.
It sounds like anger, \hrepressed sexuality
and a pig being shot \h\h\hby a paintball.
-Peter, that’s German. \h\h\h-How do you know?
\h\h\h\h\h\hI speak German. I went on an exchange trip
\h\hin high school, and for some reason
my parents never bought \h\h\hthe airfare back.
Cool. We can communicate \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith him.
Joe, ask Gonzo where he’s from.
Gonzo, woher kommst du?
(whistles) Ich wurde 1942 \hin Düsseldorf geboren.
\h\hMein besitzer hieß Adolf Hitler. (squawks)
I heard 1942.
Peter, he just said his owner \h\h\h\h\h\hwas Adolf Hitler.
-Well, that can’t be right. \h\h-Hitler had a what now?
Look, it’s him.
(whistles) Das bin ich.
Icherinneremich daran. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h(squawks)
He said, "That’s me. \h\hI remember that."
Peter, your bird is a Nazi.
That can’t be right.
Uh, Nazi want a cracker?
Nazi want a cracker. \h\h\h\h\h\h(squawks)
Oh, my God, you’re right.
\h\h\hWow, good thing you know German, Joe.
Yeah, and just so you know, \h\hthe German culture has
\hvery different notions of what’s cool to do sexually.
So whatever happened over there was completely normal,
and I don’t think about it \h\h\hduring quiet moments.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Joe? -Nein caca! Nein!
Ich no möcshte caca!
I mean, uh, crazy about \hPeter’s bird, right?
BRIAN: Stewie!
-I know you gave my book away. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-What is this?
Everyone on our street \h\hhas a ring camera.
\h\hHello, I’m back. You guys were right.
\hMurdering strangers is better than paying
my credit card bill.
Okay, fine, Brian, \h\hyou caught me.
I got rid of the book you forced me to take
\h\h\h\hafter you badgered me into coming to your reading.Well, what the hell, Stewie?!
I sat through your reading, \h\hI said congratulations,
I took the book.
Where do my obligations end?
\h\h\h\h\h\hObligations? Are you so narcissistic,
\hyou can’t do one small thing for me?I’m narcissistic?
\h\h\h\hYou’re the one who leaves your book on display in my room.
Oh, sorry it’s such a chore \h\h\h\h\hto literally just
keep a book on a book shelf.
Okay, all right, even though \h\h\h\hI only have e-books,
\h\hhere’s your stupid book on a shelf like it’s 1958.
Did you even read the inscription?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes. -Well, then, what did it say?
"From one hardbody to another."
"To every author’s dream reader and a true kindred spirit.
\h"You lit the flame that ignited my soul.
"My best friend, my inspiration,
"and the only person \hwho truly gets me.
I owe you everything. \hB. Edward Griffin."
Your initials are BEG?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, hey, Lois, I just remembered that thing
I wanted to tell you before.
Um, you ever heard of \h\h\h\hAdolf Hitler?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes. -Well, fun trivia.
Gonzo was Adolf Hitler’s bird.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat? Peter, if you knew that,
why the hell did you \h\h\hbring that bird
to Meg’s performance \hof Sound of Music?
\hSie sind hinter dem großen Stein.
(squawks) Nach links.
He’s saying they’re behind the big stone to the left!
\h\h\h(whistles) Meine linke, nicht Bühne linke! (squawks)
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHe’s saying, "My left, not stage left"!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCARTER: You’re getting warmer.
What? The parents started it.
It’s not his fault, Lois.
He’s just repeating what he was taught.
By Hitler.
\h\h\h\hYeah, that’s like 40% of America right now.
\hPeter, if you don’t get rid of that bird,
I’m calling animal control.
You do that
-and I’ll make you pay. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-How?
\hYou ever hear of revenge porn, Lois?
Peter, if you did that,
then everyone would see \h\h\h\h\h\hyour penis.
I retract my threat.
Please strike it from the record.
I’ll strike it if I can find it.
-You have any tweezers? -No, I don’t have any--
Oh, ha-ha-ha.
Look at us restoring \h\h\ha classic car.
Yep, 2004 Saturn Ion.
\h\h\h\hThis baby captures all the glory of my youth.
\h\h\h\h\hShrek 2 was the number-one movie,
Dane Cook made Myspace \h\h\hthe place to be,
and LimeWire helped you bankrupt your favorite bands.
What a year.
Sorry, I don’t mean \h\h\hto interrupt.
\h\hI just want to throw out my laptop
since I won’t be writing anymore.
Oh come on, Brian, don’t be dramatic.
Dramatic? Me? Pshaw!
\hJust abandoning my lifelong dream
since even my best friend \h\h\h\hcan’t support me.
So you’re getting rid of \h\hall your photos, too?
No, I downloaded those to \han external hard drive.How are you going
-to watch movies in bed? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-My phone.
\hCouldn’t you also still write in the notes app on your phone?
I deleted that app.
Okay, but couldn’t you \h\h\h\h\h\hstill write
using pen and paper?
I mean, I’m sorry to keep \h\hpushing back on this,
\h\h\hit just feels like throwing away the laptop
is-is just unnecessary.
You got your wish, Stewie, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI quit.
You’ll never have to worry \h\h\h\h\h\h\habout keeping
one of my books again.
Come on, Brian, be reasonable.
That wasn’t my intention.
Too bad. Goodbye, dream.
Okay, last objection, I swear.
But that’s actually \h\hsupposed to go
in a separate collection \h\h\h\h\h\hfor e-waste,
which is the last Friday \h\h\h\h\hof every month.
It’s fine.
(beeping)
Laptop! Laptop! Laptop!
There he is, the genius
\h\h-getting his inspo. -(video game blipping)
\h\h\h\h\h\h-What do you want? -Look, here’s the thing, Brian.
I actually did like your book.
Yeah, right.
\h-I did. -Me, too.
Yeah, what’d you like about it?
You wrote about kibble with a lot of passion.
Uh-huh.
You described a lot of trees,
\hand you also let us know which ones were steadfast,
which was a surprisingly high percentage of them.
\h-(game over sound) -Ugh! It’s pointless.
I’ve given writing \h\hmy whole life,
and I can’t even get ten people to come to a reading.
Hell, I’ve been playing this game for 20 years,
and I can’t even get \h\h\h\hto level two.
Really? That game is, \h\hlike, very easy.
\h\h\h\hJust get out of here! And leave me alone. Forever.
Chris, I can see his gums. \h\h\h\h\h\hWe’d better go.
\h\hThis is terrible. We have to help him.
I have a great idea.
\h\h\h\h\h-What is it? -Oh, no, not for this.
Netflix... for guns.
Stewie, you’re gonna be \h\h\h\ha trillionaire.
Perhaps we can lift Brian \h\h\h\h\hout of his funk
if we get his book on The New York Times Best Seller list.
It would only take 1,500 copies.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-That’s it? -Yes. And a lot of celebrities
\h\hactually make the list by buying their own books.
Wait, are you telling me that \hsome of Donald Trump Jr.’s
success isn’t based \h\hon merit alone?
Yes, I am saying that.
Still we can’t afford to buy \h\h\h\h\h\hthat many copies.
(computer chimes)
\h\hBut Reese Witherspoon’s manager just got back to me
about her book club.
Stewie, this could be huge.
Every alcoholic housewife \h\h\h\h\hin this country
\h\h\h\h\hdoes whatever Reese Witherspoon says.
"Unfortunately, Reese’s only \h\h\hinterests are crawdads
\h\h\h\h"and long hikes, so she’s happily passing.No regrets."
Now I’m glad her husband Jim Toth failed at Quibi,
\h\h\h\h\hreportedly straining their Hollywood super-marriage.
Oh, don’t be nasty, Chris.
-Okay, plan C. \h-What’s that?
Use Lois’s account to buy \hthree copies on Amazon.
\h\h\h\hThat’ll get Brian in the top 20 of Amazon’s
\h\h\h"Canine Nonfiction Under 60 Pages" category.
\h\h\h\h\hOh, great. All you have to do is
click which of these \h\h\hare crosswalks
to prove you’re not a robot.
Well, uh... you do it.
Come on, Chris, you...
you’re not actually \ha robot, are you?
\h\h\h(robot voice): Identity compromised.
Abort mission.
\h\h(robot voice): Greetings, sibling.
\h\h\h\hI am Chris 2.0 with crosswalk update.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, phew. Okay, well, it’s refreshed,
\hand now it needs you to identify stop signs.
If you will excuse me.
So, what do you want to watch, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNazi bird?
Fox. (squawks)
Quick, Gonzo, we gotta go.
Rabbi Goldstein, Peter Griffin.
I’m sorry, am I bothering you?
No, it’s fine.
I’m just practicing circumcision
on a kosher hot dog.How can I help you?
I bought this parrot used, \h\h\h\h\hand it turns out
he’s Adolf Hitler’s old pet.
And what do you want from me?Well, the word is out,
and a bunch of people \h\hwant to kill him.
And I was thinking maybe \hif you said he’s okay,
maybe they’d back off.
To seek vengeance or to forgive.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSuch a dilemma. Let us see what it says in...
(squawks) Torah.
Torah? What’s that?
Our sacred scrolls.
Oh, I thought those was \h\h\hrolls of Brawny.
Bar’chu et Adonai hamvorach. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(squawks)
My friend, your bird is Jewish.
He only pretended to be a Nazi \h\h\h\h\h\hto survive the war.
Gonzo’s Jewish?
Peter, you have done \ha wonderful thing.
We must celebrate with some matzah.
As we say, L’Chaim! \h\h\h\h\hTo life.
-L’Chaim! -L’Chaim!
Pretty dry.
(choking)
(squawks)
I think Gonzo lost his Chaim.
Whoa, look at you, Brian. \h\h\hBack in the saddle?
\h\hWell, it’s like Ray Bradbury said:
\h\h\h"You only fail if you stop writing."
That’s a really healthy attitude for someone who just failed.
\h\hWell, it turns out my book actually did find an audience.
Right now, it’s number nine \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hon Amazon’s
"Mangy Mammal Memoirs" list.
LOIS: Who the hell used \h\h\hmy Amazon account
to order three copies \h\hof Brian’s book?!
(growling)Oh, boy.
Great. So now after having insulted me,
you’ve deceived me.
Thanks so much, pal.
Why do you even care?
\h\hYou’re the one who said you don’t need external validation.
Of course that was a lie.
\h\h\hAll I care about is external validation.
I’m a dog. "Good boy" is literally the best thingyou can say to me.
\hAnd the fact that even my best friend
\h\hdoesn’t want a free copy of my book is-is devastating.
Don’t you talk to me \habout devastating.
\h\h-What do you mean? -Don’t you understand?
Brian, I only got rid \h\h\h\h\hof the book
because I was jealous of you.
Jealous? Why?
\h\h\hBecause you set out to do something, and you did it.
Unlike me and my goals.
\h\h\hEvery time I walked by your book, it was a reminder
of all that I haven’t \h\h\h\haccomplished.
I know I’m supposed to be \h\h\h\h\hhappy for you,
but when you succeed, \h\h\hall it does is
make me feel bad about myself.
And you made me feel really bad.
Then I guess I really succeeded.
You did. Big-time.
I’m proud of you, Brian.
\h\h\h-Good boy. -Thanks, Stewie.
Now, please never do \h\h\hanything again.
-Friends? -Friends.
\hStill, it’d be nice to sell a few books,
to have anyone know my name.
\h\h\hMeh. You ever heard of Kirker Butler, Julius Sharpe,
Cherry Chevapravatdumrong, Chris Regan, David Goodman,
Artie Johann, Patrick Meighan,
Mike Desilets or Gary Janetti?
They’re all Family Guy writers \h\h\h\h\hwho’ve written books,
and no one’s ever heard of them.
Gary Janetti kind of \h\h\h\hrings a bell.
Yeah, he’s got a popular \h\h\h\h\h\h\hInstagram,so he kind of broke through.
But the rest of them, \ha bunch of bitter,
Emmy-less losers.
Has Seth MacFarlane ever \h\h\h\h\hwritten a book?
\h-Oh, yeah. -How’d it do?
A signed copy is cheaper \h\h\h\h\hthan a new one.
Thank you, everybody, \h\hfor coming today.
Chris would like to say \h\h\h\ha couple words.
"Death came with friendly care.
\h"The opening bud to heaven conveyed,
and bade it blossom there."
Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
(playing "Every Morning" \h\h\h\h\h\hby Sugar Ray)
♪ ♪
Ew, Dad, you could have \h\h\hat least flushed
before you put him in there.
We all grieve in our own ways.
These are our church shoes. \h\h\hEverybody in the tub.
\h\hPlease don’t forget to sign the guest book.