\h♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies \h\h\h\hand sex on TV ♪
\h\h\h♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there’s a man who \h\h\hpositively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
\h\h\h♪ He’s... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
We got the house, guys!
Your iPad flashlight is on.
God, she’s old.
What house, Mom?
The Airbnb in Nantucket
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwe wanted for the Fourth of July.
There was a cancellation, \h\hso I swooped right in
\h\h\h\hand scooped it up. The Pelican strikes again.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-"The Pelican"? -Yeah. Some people call me that
’cause I swoop and scoop.
-Who calls you that? \h\h\h\h-Some people.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Who? -It’s really catching on.
From who?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLook, everybody just pack your bags
because we leave tomorrow.
I thought you said July 4th? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s October.
\h\hYeah, but we always celebrate our holidays
off-peak to save money.
I don’t know, this feels forced.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, come on, you kids are all getting older.
We are running out of time to do stuff together as a family.
Plus this is our first Airbnb.
That’s a huge mom milestone.
You know, I heard that every \htime someone says "Airbnb,"
a white woman can hear it \h\hfrom five miles away.
\h\h\h\h\h\hMm, sounds like the Pelican got her Airbnb.
Who?!
(classical music playing)
I’ve never been to Nantucket.It’s pretty nice.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, I like that everyone arriving gets
a personal serenade from James Taylor.
(to tune of "Fire and Rain"): \h\h\h\h♪ Oh, I’ve seen Chris \h\h\h\h\hand I’ve seen Meg ♪
♪ I’ve seen burger wrappers ♪
♪ Crumpled by their legs. ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know, I heard his backstage rider
is just a single carton \h\h\h\h\hof oat milk.
This place is pretty tight, Mom.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know. Look at the sign in the kitchen.
"But first, coffee."
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(laughs) Yeah. Yeah, that first!
-That makes no sense. \h\h\h\h-In what way?
\h\h\h\hWe don’t know what the choices are,
so how can we definitively say, "But first, coffee"?
But that’s the point. \hIt doesn’t matter.
Whatever it is, "First, coffee."
Hey, what if our kid’s having \ha heart attack, God forbid?
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Oh, well, I... -Still "But first, coffee"?
-Well, I don’t think... \h-What if a 9/11 hops
\hthrough the window with a dynamite vest?
Are we free to scatter?
Or must we face the blast, \h\h\h\h\h\h\hmug in hand?
I just thought it was \ha fun sign is all.
Oh, look at them.
When was the last time \h\h\hyou saw the kids
play together like this, huh?
\h\h\hNo clue, I do most of my parenting with my eyes closed.
You know, it’s this house.
Sometimes all a family needs
\his a change of scenery to strengthen their bond.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah, that or a threesome, yeah. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Oh. (scoffs)
You can’t even make it through \h\h\h\ha twosome or a onesome.
\h\hYou are very close to being a sit-in-a-chair-and-watch guy.
My cardiologist said \h\h\hthe same thing.
♪ ♪
Okay, guys, everyone pick out
one souvenir from the trip.
\h\h\h\h\h-Is a seagull a...? -A seagull is not a souvenir.
-What about...? \h\h-No birds!
\h\h\h\h\h\hThe stores here in the off-season are kind of sad.
Most of them are empty.
\hYeah, but I do like that James Taylor sings a personal serenade
every time one closes \h\h\hfor the season.
\h\h\h♪ A sign goes up as the sun goes down ♪
♪ Another year in the books ♪
♪ She put the fun in funnel cakes ♪
\h\h\h♪ Or at least that’s what I see on that board. ♪
Ah, sweet edgeless \h\hrock and roll.
\h\h\h\hYou could shave a baby’s head with it.
Brian, what is that?
That’s saltwater taffy.
What, have you never \h\htried it before?
I have four teeth.
If it’s not applesauce, \h\h\h\hI’m unfamiliar.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTaffy is, like, the official candy of vacations.
They have free samples. \hWe should take some.
Yes, free samples is \h\h\hmy favorite way
to slowly sink a business.
Wow. This is incredible.
It tastes like a memory \hof a life well-lived.
\h\h\hMmm, yeah, that and, like, a little bit of mint.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know, it’s the end of the season,
so all that taffy is on sale.
\h\h\h\hIf we buy it in bulk and bring it back to Quahog,
we’d make a killing.
That’s a great idea.
We are gonna make more money
than Cryptocurrency Carl.
\h\h\h\hI’ll take it under one condition.
You make everything \h\h\hmatte black.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Okay. -Matte black the world, baby.
Now let me just check \h\h\h\hmy portfolio.
Yes! No. Yes!
No. Yes! No!
Oh, I feel so recharged \h\h\hafter that trip.
A total recharge weekend.
Don’t you feel recharged, Peter?
\h\h\h\h\hIf by "recharged" you mean the slight change
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hof routine short-circuited my colon
\h\hso I can only poop at 3:00 a.m., then yes.
I feel extremely recharged.
\h\h\h\h\hYou know what? We had such a great time,
\h\h\h\hI-I’m just gonna book another visit to that house.
Huh, that’s weird.
I-I can’t book it.
What the hell?
The owner of the house gave us \h\h\h\h\h\ha zero-star review.
She-she said we stole something.
I’m banned from Airbnb?
Ooh.
-Tough break for the Pelican. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Who?!
\h\hOkay, which one of you little rats
stole something from that house?
And don’t lie to me. \h\hI’m your mother.
I can feel your lies \h\h\hin my ovaries.
\hThe doctor said those were cysts.
From your lies!
They’re not gonna talk, Lois.
I say we hook ’em up to the lie detector.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPeter, that’s not a lie detector.
That’s a ride-on sex machine.
It is? Well, it got me \hto sing like a bird.
Stop rolling it into rooms!
\h\h\hMom, we didn’t take anything from the house.
Did the owner say what was stolen?
\h\h\h\h\h\hMaybe it was just a misunderstanding.
You know, you’re probably right.
I’ll contact the owner \h\h\hand clear it up.
\hOh, yeah, I think this is all gonna work itself out.
\hChris, can you grab that wand next to you
\hand crank the speed up to "hummingbird"?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Hi, Dottie. It’s Lois from this weekend.
Had such a great time \h\hwith my family."
Three exclamations,
three smiley faces.
"Thank you again for hosting."
Prayer hands emoji.
Your flashlight’s still on, \h\h\h\h\h\hyou old bitch.
"I just wanted to reach out about the review you left.
You said we stole something."
Shocked emoji.
"I think there was \h\ha mistake, LOL.
\h\hI talked to my family, and no one took anything."
Shoulder shrug emoji.
\h\h"Anyway, would love to help clear this up.
Best, Lois Griffin."
\h\h\h\h\hThree heart emojis and an accidental letter "M"
when I hit send.
(message whooshes)
A bottle of shampoo?
♪ ♪
Ah, I smell like one of those
farmers market candles \h\h\h\h\hI never buy.
Oh.
That.
Forgot to grab one for Chris,
you absolute ancient hag.
All right, Brian, if we’re \hgoing to go door-to-door
\hand sell all this, we need a game plan.
So let’s practice.
\h\hYou and I walk up to a client’s house.
Walking, walking, walking.
We’re walking, walking, walking.
Oh.
\h\h\h\h\h\hUp the steps and we knock on the door.
Knock-knock. Nothing.
Nothing... then they answer. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFreeze!
\h\h\hNow what do we tell the client we’re selling?
-Taffy. -Wrong.
\h\h\hThe first thing every salesman needs
to sell is himself. \h\hWrite it down.
I didn’t bring a pen or paper.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right, after we sell ourselves,
\h\h\h\h\hwhat do we tell the client we’re selling?
-Taffy? -Wrong!
Never tell the client what you’re selling.
The second you tell them \h\h\hwhat we’re selling,
\h\h\h-they’ll know what we’re selling. \h\h\h\h\h\h-Right.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Wrong! -Yeah, I might need \ha pen and paper.
\hThe second thing a salesman needs to sell is an emotion.
\h\h\hAll right, let’s just skip ahead. I’ll be the client. Okay.
You’ve sold yourself... barely.
You’ve sold an emotion: \h\h\h\h\h\hnostalgia.
-Now what are you selling? \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Taf...
\hDon’t you dare come to my house and tell me what you’re selling.
Yeah, I’m having a hard time \h\h\h\h\h\h\htracking this.
Oh, you’re having a hard time?
Do you see what I’m doing here? Do you see my hand?
This gesture says that I’m in
a domestic abuse situation \hand you’re doing nothing.
You’re just standing there
\hnot even telling me what you’re selling.
-Taffy! -Wrong!
So, Mom, did you ever find out
what was stolen from that Nantucket house?
-I did. Funny story. \h\h\h\h\h-Never is.
\hIt was a bottle of shampoo I must have packed in my bag.
Oh, no way.
You did it? \h(laughs)
How does your fat foot taste, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMom?
Apparently taking the rest of a tiny bottle of shampoo
is considered stealing nowadays.
Answer the question \h\habout the foot.
-How big was the bottle? \h\h\h-Ah, it was small.
I thought you said \h\hit was "tiny."
\h\h\h\h\h\hWould it pass through airport security?
-That’s the threshold. \h-It was very little.
Oh, now it’s "little."
You’re all over the place.
May we see the bottle?
\h\h\h\h\hI would love to show you the bottle.
\h\h\h\hThen you’ll see how ridiculous this is.
Okay, so this dinner’s not one \h\hof her best efforts, right?
-Big whiff. \h-I agree.
Okay, let’s pile that on, too.
-(bottle thuds) \h\h\h\h\h-Yo!
That’s borderline huge, Mom.
The size is misleading.
\h\h\hThere was barely any liquid left in it.
It was sputtering to a finish.
It made an audible thud \hwhen you put it down.
I hated tonight’s chicken.
I am not wrong here, okay?
We paid a lot of money \h\h\h\hfor that house,
and taking the ass-end \h\hof a shampoo bottle
barely makes a dent \hinto their haul.
There, definitive proof that your mother always describes
big things as being smaller \h\h\h\h\h\hthan they are.
Did you hear that, Chris?
We’ve all seen it, Dad.
Aw.
Good afternoon, Mr. Quagmire.
\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, salesmen. Look, I’m gonna be straight with you.
You see this coin purse? \h\h\h\hIt contains $87,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwhich is what I allow myself to spend
on superfluous purchases \h\h\h\h\h\h\hevery week.
It is currently open.
Just like my ears.
If you wow me with your pitch, \h\h\h\h\h\hthe money is yours.
\h\h\h\h\hIf it closes, you have lost the sale.
Now let’s hear it.
So...
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAs you can see, we have all the classic flavors.
It’s like a vacation in a box.
\hAll the fun of the beach without that pesky commute.
I don’t know. I only like taffy
\hwhen it’s got cute, little jokes in ’em.
\h\hSomething to laugh at while you’re doing all that chewing.
Who doesn’t love laughing?
That’s why our taffy comes \h\h\h\h\hwith jokes, too.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-It does? \h\h\h-This is Brian’s personal phone number.
Every time you eat a taffy,
\h\h\h\h\hcall that number and he’ll tell you a joke.
(crickets chirping)
(phone buzzes)
(grunts) \hHello.
Hi, I’m eating my taffy.
Oh, what time is it?
Very late. I work nights.
\h\hAnd I like to have a treat while I watch my infomercials.
Joke, please.
Oh, okay, um, uh...
what, uh... why-why did the...
house go to the doctor?
Because it had window panes.
\h\h\h\h(laughs) Oh, that’s good.
I’m-a call you again \h\h\hin ten minutes
when I have another piece.
(phone buzzes)
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yup. -I swallowed quicker \h\h\hthan I thought.
\h\h\h\h\hDo you know how awful it feels to be labeled a thief
\h\h\hfor something as silly as a small bottle of shampoo?
\hYeah. (gulps)
I heard the bottle wasn’t \h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat small.
What? Where did you hear that?
\h\h\hJoe and I have eerily quiet dinners.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe can hear all your family’s conversation.
Mm-hmm, okay.
\hYou know, I’m gonna get a knife for this cheese.
Oh, let me get that for you.
They’re my grandmother’s knives,
\h\h\h\h\hso I’m gonna need you to sign out which one you use.
Okay, that’s enough.
I see what’s happening here.
You think I’m a thief.
\h\h\h\hI can’t believe you’re not on my side.
I heard the bottle had a pump.
A pump? Who else are you \htalking to about this?
I’m on a couple of text chains \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hdiscussing it.
Oh, God!
Okay, I got to fix this.
I am bringing that shampoo \h\h\h\hback to Nantucket.
It’s the only way.
\h\hJOE: Pockets.
\h\h\hDid you come in with this ChapStick?
Yes.
I’ll, uh, check the tape.
(rings)
\hOh, thanks for agreeing to meet me here, Dottie.
\h\h\h\h\h\hOf course, Bell over the Door Café
has the best coffee \h\hon the island.
(bell rings)
\h\h\hYou know, I wanted to clear the air with you
about that bottle of shampoo.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt turns out we did take it by mistake.
I-I feel terrible,
so I wanted to return it \h\h\hto you personally.
-(bottle thuds) -(crowd gasps)
That’s so nice.
\h\h\h\hYou didn’t have to drive all this way.
\hI mean, you could have just put it in the mail.
Oh, no, the mail is \h\hso impersonal.
\h\hIt was important I did this in person.
Well, thank you again.
(bell rings)
So, now that this is settled,
\h\h\h\hI was thinking maybe you could change your review.
Oh. I’m sorry, no.
I can’t do that.
\h(laughs): Oh, but...
but I returned the bottle.
\h\h\h\h\h\hLois, I write the reviews of my guests
\hbased on their behavior while they’re in my home.
And you stole the shampoo.
And you only brought it back \h\h\hbecause you got caught.
\h\h\h\h\h\hSo if anything, you’re proving what I wrote
about you was correct.
Dottie. Dot.
D.
Look, I am on my back here.
My legs are in the stirrups,
forceps have been utilized,
there was some sort of suction, and still
\h-that’s not enough? -I’m not changing it.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-(bell rings) -Can we turn that bell off?!
\h\h\h\h\hThat bell was the only item recovered
\h\h\h\h\hfrom a shipwreck that devastated our island.
Entire families were torn apart, and...
\h\h\h\h\h(chuckles) Why am I telling you?
\h\hJames Taylor wrote a whole song about it.
♪ 94 souls set out on that day ♪
♪ And only a bell came back ♪
♪ And it sings ding-a-ding, \hding-a-ring-a-ding-ding ♪
♪ Ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding... ♪
Shut up, James Taylor!
Things can happen in New England
without you needing \hto sing about it.
(crowd gasps)
I think you should leave.
Okay. You win, Dottie.
You got your shampoo back
and you officially \hgot me canceled.
This isn’t being canceled.
\h-I think it is. -JAMES: It’s not!
Shut up, James Taylor!
You don’t scare me, lady.
I was married to Carly Simon.
You stole the shampoo, Lois.
(bell ringing)
I’m not changing the review.
I heard it had a pump.
♪ Ring-ring-a-ding-ding. ♪
No! I can’t let her win.
Stop the ferry!
We haven’t left yet, ma’am.
(engine starts)
(tires screech)
(brakes squeal)
What’s your weakness, Dottie?
I am gonna find it.
(sniffing)
\h\h\h\h\hOh, God, Lois, no more chowder for you.
(brakes squeal)
(gasps) Oh!
DoorDash. That’s it!
Okay, time to do a choppy \hFaceTime with the kids.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHey, Lois. When are you coming home?
Stewie ...ooped ...tub.
Stewie what?
\h\h\h\h...ooped ...ub! I... with an oven mitt!
What with an oven mitt?
\h-What? -Hi, Mom.
-...ooped ...ub! \h\h\h\h\h\h-Who?
Everybody ...ooped... the tub..
more ...oop than water. \h\h\h\h\h\hCome home!
♪ Ding, ding-a-ring, \h\h\hring-a-ring-a ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ding, ding-a-ring ♪
♪ Ding-ding ♪
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ Ring-a-ding, ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪
♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ring-a- \h\hding-ding, ding-ding. ♪
(tires screech)
(phone chimes)
This is terrible, Brian.
We’ve barely sold any boxes.
Nobody likes taffy.
\h\h\h\hYeah, I guess without the salt air and ocean views,
it’s just subpar gum.
What are we gonna do? We sunk \h\ha lot of money into this.
We need to pivot.
It’s not selling as candy,
so we need to repackage it \h\h\h\h\h\h\has something
people actually want.
Let’s brainstorm.
Okay. Hmm.
\hYou know, I’m-I’m really not liking your brainstorming face.
Very unlikable eyebrow movement.
Shh! I got it, I got it.
Colored layered sand in bottles.
That’s a whole different \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbad idea.
Okay, what about bottles \hwith layered sand in it
that’s different colors?
That’s the same thing except with the words
in a different order.
We’re never gonna sell \h\h\h\hall this stuff
\h\h\h\h\hunless we can find a big enough group of suckers
to trick into taking it \h\h\h\hoff our hands.
Welp, we found ’em!
Stewie, rebranding this taffy
\h\h\h\h\has Chew Anon was a stroke of genius.
Yep, and when we told Joe Rogan
it cured COVID, we were off.
God bless our stupid, \h\h\hstupid country.
(thunder crashes)
Hello, Dottie.
Lois? What are you doing here?
Well, I brought your dinner.
And... delivery complete.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, well, would you look at that.
It looks like it’s my turn \hto give someone a review.
What?
After every delivery, \hdrivers get to rate
\htheir experience with the customer.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(gasps) Wouldn’t it be a shame
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hif one of only two DoorDash drivers
\h\h\h\h\hon the island gave you a poor review?
(gasps) Well, they might ban \h\hyou from the app, Dottie.
You might actually have \h\hto leave the house
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor food during the winter season.
Okay, what do you want, money?
No, no, no, no, no.
Here’s what’s gonna happen, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDottie.
\h\h\h\hYou’re gonna take out your phone,
open up Airbnb,
then change that review.
Okay.
Type the following: "Would."
-Would... -"Host."
\h-Host. -"Again."
-Again. -Send.
So that’s it?
-This is over? \h\h-That’s it.
This is over.
You know what, Dottie?
I did steal that shampoo.
You did?
You’re damn right I did!
I was always gonna steal that shampoo.
And do you know why?
Because when I stood \h\h\hin your shower
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand rubbed that peach orchard-scented bottle
\h\hof bliss into my hair, I felt like somebody else.
I felt like somebody \h\h\h\hwho mattered.
Somebody who had enough \h\h\h\hdisposable cash
that she could buy a scented shampoo.
That’s what Airbnbs do, Dottie.
\h\h\h\h\hThey make you feel like you’re living a fairy tale life.
\h\h\h\hAnd I wanted that feeling to last.
And it did!
\h\hAlso, I opened your locked closet
and put on your wedding dress. \h\h\h\h\h\hI ate yogurt in it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, oh, my God.
\h\h\h\hBecause that’s what Lois Griffin does.
Really, I should be thanking you for reminding me of who I am:
\ha secret little psycho with very little to lose.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd there’s a million of us out there,
and you’re just welcoming \hus all into your homes.
So if you ever think \h\hof giving someone
a bad review again, \h\hremember this.
We know where you live.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hANNOUNCER: Airbnb. What are you doing?!
It’s your house!
Well, it all worked out.
What?
Oh, I said it all worked out.
I got my reputation \h\hback on Airbnb,
and Dottie got her comeuppance.
\h\h\h\hI don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t care.
Oh. I just thought \h\hwe could share
some conversation to pass the time.
You’re the lady who yelled \hat me in the coffee shop.
\h\h\h\hYou think I give a crap about anything you have to say?
Kind of thought you’d have a helicopter, James Taylor.
Carly got it in the divorce.