1
00:00:01,462 --> 00:00:03,660
\h♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

2
00:00:03,660 --> 00:00:06,726
♪ Is violence in movies
\h\h\h\hand sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:06,726 --> 00:00:11,000
\h\h\h♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:14,000
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

5
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:17,066
♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

6
00:00:17,066 --> 00:00:20,627
♪ Lucky there’s a man who
\h\h\hpositively can do ♪

7
00:00:20,627 --> 00:00:22,528
♪ All the things that make us ♪

8
00:00:22,528 --> 00:00:23,462
♪ Laugh and cry ♪

9
00:00:23,462 --> 00:00:30,198
\h\h\h♪ He’s... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

10
00:00:34,396 --> 00:00:36,198
We got the house, guys!

11
00:00:36,198 --> 00:00:38,330
Your iPad flashlight is on.

12
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:39,660
God, she’s old.

13
00:00:39,660 --> 00:00:41,165
What house, Mom?

14
00:00:41,165 --> 00:00:42,264
The Airbnb in Nantucket

15
00:00:42,264 --> 00:00:43,594
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwe wanted
for the Fourth of July.

16
00:00:43,594 --> 00:00:45,759
There was a cancellation,
\h\hso I swooped right in

17
00:00:45,759 --> 00:00:48,726
\h\h\h\hand scooped it up.
The Pelican strikes again.

18
00:00:48,726 --> 00:00:51,759
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-"The Pelican"?
-Yeah. Some people call me that

19
00:00:51,759 --> 00:00:53,330
’cause I swoop and scoop.

20
00:00:53,330 --> 00:00:55,066
-Who calls you that?
\h\h\h\h-Some people.

21
00:00:55,066 --> 00:00:57,198
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Who?
-It’s really catching on.

22
00:00:57,198 --> 00:00:57,594
From who?

23
00:00:57,594 --> 00:00:59,396
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hLook,
everybody just pack your bags

24
00:00:59,396 --> 00:01:00,759
because we leave tomorrow.

25
00:01:00,759 --> 00:01:03,165
I thought you said July 4th?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s October.

26
00:01:03,165 --> 00:01:05,561
\h\hYeah, but we always
celebrate our holidays

27
00:01:05,561 --> 00:01:07,132
off-peak to save money.

28
00:01:07,132 --> 00:01:08,660
I don’t know, this feels forced.

29
00:01:08,660 --> 00:01:11,264
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, come on,
you kids are all getting older.

30
00:01:11,264 --> 00:01:15,495
We are running out of time to do
stuff together as a family.

31
00:01:15,495 --> 00:01:17,726
Plus this is our first Airbnb.

32
00:01:17,726 --> 00:01:19,396
That’s a huge mom milestone.

33
00:01:19,396 --> 00:01:22,594
You know, I heard that every
\htime someone says "Airbnb,"

34
00:01:22,594 --> 00:01:27,198
a white woman can hear it
\h\hfrom five miles away.

35
00:01:27,198 --> 00:01:31,099
\h\h\h\h\h\hMm, sounds like
the Pelican got her Airbnb.

36
00:01:31,099 --> 00:01:32,198
Who?!

37
00:01:32,198 --> 00:01:35,429
(classical music playing)

38
00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:52,561
I’ve never been to Nantucket.It’s pretty nice.

39
00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:52,561
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah, I like
that everyone arriving gets

40
00:01:52,561 --> 00:01:55,528
a personal serenade
from James Taylor.

41
00:01:55,528 --> 00:02:01,429
(to tune of "Fire and Rain"):
\h\h\h\h♪ Oh, I’ve seen Chris
\h\h\h\h\hand I’ve seen Meg ♪

42
00:02:02,528 --> 00:02:04,462
♪ I’ve seen burger wrappers ♪

43
00:02:04,462 --> 00:02:07,429
♪ Crumpled by their legs. ♪

44
00:02:07,429 --> 00:02:09,561
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know,
I heard his backstage rider

45
00:02:09,561 --> 00:02:13,627
is just a single carton
\h\h\h\h\hof oat milk.

46
00:02:24,165 --> 00:02:25,726
This place is pretty tight, Mom.

47
00:02:25,726 --> 00:02:28,429
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know.
Look at the sign in the kitchen.

48
00:02:28,429 --> 00:02:30,396
"But first, coffee."

49
00:02:30,396 --> 00:02:33,198
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(laughs)
Yeah. Yeah, that first!

50
00:02:33,198 --> 00:02:35,528
-That makes no sense.
\h\h\h\h-In what way?

51
00:02:35,528 --> 00:02:37,000
\h\h\h\hWe don’t know
what the choices are,

52
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:40,132
so how can we definitively say,
"But first, coffee"?

53
00:02:40,132 --> 00:02:42,330
But that’s the point.
\hIt doesn’t matter.

54
00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,627
Whatever it is, "First, coffee."

55
00:02:43,627 --> 00:02:46,495
Hey, what if our kid’s having
\ha heart attack, God forbid?

56
00:02:46,495 --> 00:02:48,726
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Oh, well, I...
-Still "But first, coffee"?

57
00:02:48,726 --> 00:02:51,099
-Well, I don’t think...
\h-What if a 9/11 hops

58
00:02:51,099 --> 00:02:53,330
\hthrough the window
with a dynamite vest?

59
00:02:53,330 --> 00:02:54,396
Are we free to scatter?

60
00:02:54,396 --> 00:02:57,627
Or must we face the blast,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hmug in hand?

61
00:02:57,627 --> 00:03:02,000
I just thought it was
\ha fun sign is all.

62
00:03:04,528 --> 00:03:05,528
Oh, look at them.

63
00:03:05,528 --> 00:03:07,429
When was the last time
\h\h\hyou saw the kids

64
00:03:07,429 --> 00:03:08,495
play together like this, huh?

65
00:03:08,495 --> 00:03:11,759
\h\h\hNo clue, I do most of my
parenting with my eyes closed.

66
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:13,297
You know, it’s this house.

67
00:03:13,297 --> 00:03:15,000
Sometimes all a family needs

68
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,363
\his a change of scenery
to strengthen their bond.

69
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:19,429
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah,
that or a threesome, yeah.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Oh. (scoffs)

70
00:03:19,429 --> 00:03:21,528
You can’t even make it through
\h\h\h\ha twosome or a onesome.

71
00:03:21,528 --> 00:03:25,033
\h\hYou are very close to being
a sit-in-a-chair-and-watch guy.

72
00:03:25,033 --> 00:03:28,396
My cardiologist said
\h\h\hthe same thing.

73
00:03:28,396 --> 00:03:30,660
♪ ♪

74
00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:33,495
Okay, guys, everyone pick out

75
00:03:33,495 --> 00:03:35,264
one souvenir from the trip.

76
00:03:35,264 --> 00:03:38,528
\h\h\h\h\h-Is a seagull a...?
-A seagull is not a souvenir.

77
00:03:38,528 --> 00:03:39,693
-What about...?
\h\h-No birds!

78
00:03:39,693 --> 00:03:42,528
\h\h\h\h\h\hThe stores here in
the off-season are kind of sad.

79
00:03:42,528 --> 00:03:43,330
Most of them are empty.

80
00:03:43,330 --> 00:03:46,363
\hYeah, but I do like that James
Taylor sings a personal serenade

81
00:03:46,363 --> 00:03:48,759
every time one closes
\h\h\hfor the season.

82
00:03:48,759 --> 00:03:52,231
\h\h\h♪ A sign goes up
as the sun goes down ♪

83
00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:54,462
♪ Another year in the books ♪

84
00:03:54,462 --> 00:03:57,594
♪ She put the fun
in funnel cakes ♪

85
00:03:57,594 --> 00:04:01,495
\h\h\h♪ Or at least that’s
what I see on that board. ♪

86
00:04:01,495 --> 00:04:04,231
Ah, sweet edgeless
\h\hrock and roll.

87
00:04:04,231 --> 00:04:06,693
\h\h\h\hYou could shave
a baby’s head with it.

88
00:04:06,693 --> 00:04:09,297
Brian, what is that?

89
00:04:09,297 --> 00:04:10,429
That’s saltwater taffy.

90
00:04:10,429 --> 00:04:12,264
What, have you never
\h\htried it before?

91
00:04:12,264 --> 00:04:13,330
I have four teeth.

92
00:04:13,330 --> 00:04:15,165
If it’s not applesauce,
\h\h\h\hI’m unfamiliar.

93
00:04:15,165 --> 00:04:18,264
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hTaffy is, like,
the official candy of vacations.

94
00:04:18,264 --> 00:04:20,066
They have free samples.
\hWe should take some.

95
00:04:20,066 --> 00:04:22,264
Yes, free samples is
\h\h\hmy favorite way

96
00:04:22,264 --> 00:04:24,759
to slowly sink a business.

97
00:04:34,693 --> 00:04:37,297
Wow. This is incredible.

98
00:04:37,297 --> 00:04:40,000
It tastes like a memory
\hof a life well-lived.

99
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,363
\h\h\hMmm, yeah, that and,
like, a little bit of mint.

100
00:04:43,363 --> 00:04:45,165
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know,
it’s the end of the season,

101
00:04:45,165 --> 00:04:46,396
so all that taffy is on sale.

102
00:04:46,396 --> 00:04:49,198
\h\h\h\hIf we buy it in bulk
and bring it back to Quahog,

103
00:04:49,198 --> 00:04:50,726
we’d make a killing.

104
00:04:50,726 --> 00:04:52,000
That’s a great idea.

105
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,264
We are gonna make more money

106
00:04:53,264 --> 00:04:54,759
than Cryptocurrency Carl.

107
00:04:54,759 --> 00:04:56,363
\h\h\h\hI’ll take it
under one condition.

108
00:04:56,363 --> 00:04:58,594
You make everything
\h\h\hmatte black.

109
00:04:58,594 --> 00:05:01,264
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Okay.
-Matte black the world, baby.

110
00:05:01,264 --> 00:05:04,000
Now let me just check
\h\h\h\hmy portfolio.

111
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,198
Yes! No. Yes!

112
00:05:06,198 --> 00:05:09,561
No. Yes! No!

113
00:05:11,132 --> 00:05:14,429
Oh, I feel so recharged
\h\h\hafter that trip.

114
00:05:14,429 --> 00:05:16,099
A total recharge weekend.

115
00:05:16,099 --> 00:05:17,330
Don’t you feel recharged, Peter?

116
00:05:17,330 --> 00:05:19,528
\h\h\h\h\hIf by "recharged"
you mean the slight change

117
00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,396
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hof routine
short-circuited my colon

118
00:05:21,396 --> 00:05:24,297
\h\hso I can only poop
at 3:00 a.m., then yes.

119
00:05:24,297 --> 00:05:25,594
I feel extremely recharged.

120
00:05:25,594 --> 00:05:27,561
\h\h\h\h\hYou know what?
We had such a great time,

121
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:31,528
\h\h\h\hI-I’m just gonna book
another visit to that house.

122
00:05:34,231 --> 00:05:36,066
Huh, that’s weird.

123
00:05:36,066 --> 00:05:38,099
I-I can’t book it.

124
00:05:38,099 --> 00:05:39,264
What the hell?

125
00:05:39,264 --> 00:05:42,594
The owner of the house gave us
\h\h\h\h\h\ha zero-star review.

126
00:05:42,594 --> 00:05:46,132
She-she said we stole something.

127
00:05:46,693 --> 00:05:49,495
I’m banned from Airbnb?

128
00:05:49,495 --> 00:05:50,330
Ooh.

129
00:05:50,330 --> 00:05:53,594
-Tough break for the Pelican.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Who?!

130
00:05:58,594 --> 00:06:00,759
\h\hOkay, which one
of you little rats

131
00:06:00,759 --> 00:06:02,528
stole something from that house?

132
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,528
And don’t lie to me.
\h\hI’m your mother.

133
00:06:04,528 --> 00:06:06,528
I can feel your lies
\h\h\hin my ovaries.

134
00:06:06,528 --> 00:06:08,528
\hThe doctor said
those were cysts.

135
00:06:08,528 --> 00:06:09,693
From your lies!

136
00:06:09,693 --> 00:06:11,000
They’re not gonna talk, Lois.

137
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,165
I say we hook ’em up
to the lie detector.

138
00:06:13,165 --> 00:06:14,759
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hPeter,
that’s not a lie detector.

139
00:06:14,759 --> 00:06:16,297
That’s a ride-on sex machine.

140
00:06:16,297 --> 00:06:19,231
It is? Well, it got me
\hto sing like a bird.

141
00:06:19,231 --> 00:06:20,561
Stop rolling it into rooms!

142
00:06:20,561 --> 00:06:23,396
\h\h\hMom, we didn’t take
anything from the house.

143
00:06:23,396 --> 00:06:25,198
Did the owner say
what was stolen?

144
00:06:25,198 --> 00:06:27,066
\h\h\h\h\h\hMaybe it was
just a misunderstanding.

145
00:06:27,066 --> 00:06:28,231
You know, you’re probably right.

146
00:06:28,231 --> 00:06:30,297
I’ll contact the owner
\h\h\hand clear it up.

147
00:06:30,297 --> 00:06:33,066
\hOh, yeah, I think this is
all gonna work itself out.

148
00:06:33,066 --> 00:06:35,297
\hChris, can you grab
that wand next to you

149
00:06:35,297 --> 00:06:38,495
\hand crank the speed
up to "hummingbird"?

150
00:06:42,561 --> 00:06:45,264
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Hi, Dottie.
It’s Lois from this weekend.

151
00:06:45,264 --> 00:06:48,297
Had such a great time
\h\hwith my family."

152
00:06:48,297 --> 00:06:50,165
Three exclamations,

153
00:06:50,165 --> 00:06:51,627
three smiley faces.

154
00:06:51,627 --> 00:06:53,726
"Thank you again for hosting."

155
00:06:53,726 --> 00:06:55,297
Prayer hands emoji.

156
00:06:55,297 --> 00:06:57,198
Your flashlight’s still on,
\h\h\h\h\h\hyou old bitch.

157
00:06:57,198 --> 00:07:01,330
"I just wanted to reach out
about the review you left.

158
00:07:01,330 --> 00:07:03,594
You said we stole something."

159
00:07:03,594 --> 00:07:04,594
Shocked emoji.

160
00:07:04,594 --> 00:07:06,594
"I think there was
\h\ha mistake, LOL.

161
00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:10,429
\h\hI talked to my family,
and no one took anything."

162
00:07:10,429 --> 00:07:12,033
Shoulder shrug emoji.

163
00:07:12,033 --> 00:07:15,264
\h\h"Anyway, would love
to help clear this up.

164
00:07:15,264 --> 00:07:16,726
Best, Lois Griffin."

165
00:07:16,726 --> 00:07:20,495
\h\h\h\h\hThree heart emojis
and an accidental letter "M"

166
00:07:20,495 --> 00:07:22,033
when I hit send.

167
00:07:22,033 --> 00:07:24,528
(message whooshes)

168
00:07:30,528 --> 00:07:32,528
A bottle of shampoo?

169
00:07:32,528 --> 00:07:33,528
♪ ♪

170
00:07:33,528 --> 00:07:35,231
Ah, I smell like one of those

171
00:07:35,231 --> 00:07:38,594
farmers market candles
\h\h\h\h\hI never buy.

172
00:07:38,594 --> 00:07:39,726
Oh.

173
00:07:39,726 --> 00:07:40,660
That.

174
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,726
Forgot to grab one for Chris,

175
00:07:42,726 --> 00:07:46,330
you absolute ancient hag.

176
00:07:48,132 --> 00:07:50,363
All right, Brian, if we’re
\hgoing to go door-to-door

177
00:07:50,363 --> 00:07:53,231
\hand sell all this,
we need a game plan.

178
00:07:53,231 --> 00:07:53,759
So let’s practice.

179
00:07:53,759 --> 00:07:56,165
\h\hYou and I walk up
to a client’s house.

180
00:07:56,165 --> 00:07:58,330
Walking, walking, walking.

181
00:07:58,330 --> 00:08:01,264
We’re walking, walking, walking.

182
00:08:01,264 --> 00:08:02,462
Oh.

183
00:08:02,462 --> 00:08:05,099
\h\h\h\h\h\hUp the steps
and we knock on the door.

184
00:08:05,099 --> 00:08:06,759
Knock-knock. Nothing.

185
00:08:06,759 --> 00:08:09,165
Nothing... then they answer.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hFreeze!

186
00:08:09,165 --> 00:08:12,099
\h\h\hNow what do we tell
the client we’re selling?

187
00:08:12,099 --> 00:08:13,000
-Taffy.
-Wrong.

188
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:14,660
\h\h\hThe first thing
every salesman needs

189
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:17,429
to sell is himself.
\h\hWrite it down.

190
00:08:17,429 --> 00:08:18,528
I didn’t bring a pen or paper.

191
00:08:18,528 --> 00:08:20,165
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right,
after we sell ourselves,

192
00:08:20,165 --> 00:08:22,099
\h\h\h\h\hwhat do we tell
the client we’re selling?

193
00:08:22,099 --> 00:08:22,693
-Taffy?
-Wrong!

194
00:08:22,693 --> 00:08:24,462
Never tell the client
what you’re selling.

195
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,165
The second you tell them
\h\h\hwhat we’re selling,

196
00:08:26,165 --> 00:08:27,693
\h\h\h-they’ll know
what we’re selling.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Right.

197
00:08:27,693 --> 00:08:29,297
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Wrong!
-Yeah, I might need
\ha pen and paper.

198
00:08:29,297 --> 00:08:32,231
\hThe second thing a salesman
needs to sell is an emotion.

199
00:08:32,231 --> 00:08:35,429
\h\h\hAll right, let’s just skip
ahead. I’ll be the client. Okay.

200
00:08:35,429 --> 00:08:37,495
You’ve sold yourself... barely.

201
00:08:37,495 --> 00:08:39,495
You’ve sold an emotion:
\h\h\h\h\h\hnostalgia.

202
00:08:39,495 --> 00:08:40,627
-Now what are you selling?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Taf...

203
00:08:40,627 --> 00:08:43,462
\hDon’t you dare come to my house
and tell me what you’re selling.

204
00:08:43,462 --> 00:08:45,462
Yeah, I’m having a hard time
\h\h\h\h\h\h\htracking this.

205
00:08:45,462 --> 00:08:46,462
Oh, you’re having a hard time?

206
00:08:46,462 --> 00:08:49,066
Do you see what I’m doing here?
Do you see my hand?

207
00:08:49,066 --> 00:08:50,297
This gesture says that I’m in

208
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:53,264
a domestic abuse situation
\hand you’re doing nothing.

209
00:08:53,264 --> 00:08:54,363
You’re just standing there

210
00:08:54,363 --> 00:08:56,429
\hnot even telling me
what you’re selling.

211
00:08:56,429 --> 00:08:58,396
-Taffy!
-Wrong!

212
00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:02,495
So, Mom, did you ever find out

213
00:09:02,495 --> 00:09:05,264
what was stolen from
that Nantucket house?

214
00:09:05,264 --> 00:09:07,264
-I did. Funny story.
\h\h\h\h\h-Never is.

215
00:09:07,264 --> 00:09:11,264
\hIt was a bottle of shampoo
I must have packed in my bag.

216
00:09:11,264 --> 00:09:13,132
Oh, no way.

217
00:09:13,132 --> 00:09:14,759
You did it?
\h(laughs)

218
00:09:14,759 --> 00:09:16,627
How does your fat foot taste,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMom?

219
00:09:16,627 --> 00:09:20,396
Apparently taking the rest
of a tiny bottle of shampoo

220
00:09:20,396 --> 00:09:22,165
is considered stealing nowadays.

221
00:09:22,165 --> 00:09:24,561
Answer the question
\h\habout the foot.

222
00:09:24,561 --> 00:09:27,033
-How big was the bottle?
\h\h\h-Ah, it was small.

223
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:28,462
I thought you said
\h\hit was "tiny."

224
00:09:28,462 --> 00:09:30,165
\h\h\h\h\h\hWould it pass
through airport security?

225
00:09:30,165 --> 00:09:33,000
-That’s the threshold.
\h-It was very little.

226
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,297
Oh, now it’s "little."

227
00:09:34,297 --> 00:09:36,363
You’re all over the place.

228
00:09:36,363 --> 00:09:37,264
May we see the bottle?

229
00:09:37,264 --> 00:09:38,759
\h\h\h\h\hI would love
to show you the bottle.

230
00:09:38,759 --> 00:09:41,759
\h\h\h\hThen you’ll see
how ridiculous this is.

231
00:09:41,759 --> 00:09:45,099
Okay, so this dinner’s not one
\h\hof her best efforts, right?

232
00:09:45,099 --> 00:09:46,363
-Big whiff.
\h-I agree.

233
00:09:46,363 --> 00:09:48,726
Okay, let’s pile that on, too.

234
00:09:48,726 --> 00:09:51,033
-(bottle thuds)
\h\h\h\h\h-Yo!

235
00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:53,099
That’s borderline huge, Mom.

236
00:09:53,099 --> 00:09:54,528
The size is misleading.

237
00:09:54,528 --> 00:09:56,759
\h\h\hThere was barely
any liquid left in it.

238
00:09:56,759 --> 00:09:58,132
It was sputtering to a finish.

239
00:09:58,132 --> 00:10:01,099
It made an audible thud
\hwhen you put it down.

240
00:10:01,099 --> 00:10:02,627
I hated tonight’s chicken.

241
00:10:02,627 --> 00:10:04,297
I am not wrong here, okay?

242
00:10:04,297 --> 00:10:06,132
We paid a lot of money
\h\h\h\hfor that house,

243
00:10:06,132 --> 00:10:08,099
and taking the ass-end
\h\hof a shampoo bottle

244
00:10:08,099 --> 00:10:09,495
barely makes a dent
\hinto their haul.

245
00:10:09,495 --> 00:10:12,627
There, definitive proof that
your mother always describes

246
00:10:12,627 --> 00:10:16,462
big things as being smaller
\h\h\h\h\h\hthan they are.

247
00:10:16,693 --> 00:10:18,132
Did you hear that, Chris?

248
00:10:18,132 --> 00:10:20,033
We’ve all seen it, Dad.

249
00:10:20,033 --> 00:10:21,528
Aw.

250
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,033
Good afternoon, Mr. Quagmire.

251
00:10:27,033 --> 00:10:29,660
\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, salesmen. Look,
I’m gonna be straight with you.

252
00:10:29,660 --> 00:10:32,528
You see this coin purse?
\h\h\h\hIt contains $87,

253
00:10:32,528 --> 00:10:34,363
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwhich is
what I allow myself to spend

254
00:10:34,363 --> 00:10:36,396
on superfluous purchases
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hevery week.

255
00:10:36,396 --> 00:10:38,330
It is currently open.

256
00:10:38,330 --> 00:10:39,198
Just like my ears.

257
00:10:39,198 --> 00:10:42,198
If you wow me with your pitch,
\h\h\h\h\h\hthe money is yours.

258
00:10:42,198 --> 00:10:44,429
\h\h\h\h\hIf it closes,
you have lost the sale.

259
00:10:44,429 --> 00:10:45,726
Now let’s hear it.

260
00:10:45,726 --> 00:10:47,660
So...

261
00:10:48,561 --> 00:10:51,693
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAs you can see,
we have all the classic flavors.

262
00:10:51,693 --> 00:10:53,429
It’s like a vacation in a box.

263
00:10:53,429 --> 00:10:56,693
\hAll the fun of the beach
without that pesky commute.

264
00:10:56,693 --> 00:10:58,297
I don’t know. I only like taffy

265
00:10:58,297 --> 00:11:00,132
\hwhen it’s got cute,
little jokes in ’em.

266
00:11:00,132 --> 00:11:03,396
\h\hSomething to laugh at while
you’re doing all that chewing.

267
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:05,132
Who doesn’t love laughing?

268
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:07,495
That’s why our taffy comes
\h\h\h\h\hwith jokes, too.

269
00:11:07,495 --> 00:11:10,726
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-It does?
\h\h\h-This is Brian’s
personal phone number.

270
00:11:10,726 --> 00:11:12,198
Every time you eat a taffy,

271
00:11:12,198 --> 00:11:15,099
\h\h\h\h\hcall that number
and he’ll tell you a joke.

272
00:11:15,099 --> 00:11:16,759
(crickets chirping)

273
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:19,462
(phone buzzes)

274
00:11:19,462 --> 00:11:21,330
(grunts)
\hHello.

275
00:11:21,330 --> 00:11:23,495
Hi, I’m eating my taffy.

276
00:11:23,495 --> 00:11:25,330
Oh, what time is it?

277
00:11:25,330 --> 00:11:26,594
Very late. I work nights.

278
00:11:26,594 --> 00:11:30,396
\h\hAnd I like to have a treat
while I watch my infomercials.

279
00:11:30,396 --> 00:11:31,759
Joke, please.

280
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:33,594
Oh, okay, um, uh...

281
00:11:33,594 --> 00:11:36,132
what, uh... why-why did the...

282
00:11:36,132 --> 00:11:38,132
house go to the doctor?

283
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:40,231
Because it had window panes.

284
00:11:40,231 --> 00:11:43,099
\h\h\h\h(laughs)
Oh, that’s good.

285
00:11:43,099 --> 00:11:44,759
I’m-a call you again
\h\h\hin ten minutes

286
00:11:44,759 --> 00:11:47,528
when I have another piece.

287
00:11:48,396 --> 00:11:49,396
(phone buzzes)

288
00:11:49,396 --> 00:11:53,330
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yup.
-I swallowed quicker
\h\h\hthan I thought.

289
00:11:56,297 --> 00:11:59,033
\h\h\h\h\hDo you know how awful
it feels to be labeled a thief

290
00:11:59,033 --> 00:12:02,396
\h\h\hfor something as silly
as a small bottle of shampoo?

291
00:12:02,396 --> 00:12:04,264
\hYeah.
(gulps)

292
00:12:04,264 --> 00:12:06,726
I heard the bottle wasn’t
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat small.

293
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,693
What? Where did you hear that?

294
00:12:08,693 --> 00:12:11,198
\h\h\hJoe and I have
eerily quiet dinners.

295
00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:14,297
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe can hear all
your family’s conversation.

296
00:12:14,297 --> 00:12:16,132
Mm-hmm, okay.

297
00:12:16,132 --> 00:12:20,297
\hYou know, I’m gonna get
a knife for this cheese.

298
00:12:22,099 --> 00:12:24,198
Oh, let me get that for you.

299
00:12:24,198 --> 00:12:25,660
They’re my grandmother’s knives,

300
00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:29,297
\h\h\h\h\hso I’m gonna need you
to sign out which one you use.

301
00:12:29,297 --> 00:12:30,528
Okay, that’s enough.

302
00:12:30,528 --> 00:12:32,627
I see what’s happening here.

303
00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:33,627
You think I’m a thief.

304
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:36,066
\h\h\h\hI can’t believe
you’re not on my side.

305
00:12:36,066 --> 00:12:37,330
I heard the bottle had a pump.

306
00:12:37,330 --> 00:12:39,759
A pump? Who else are you
\htalking to about this?

307
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:43,594
I’m on a couple of text chains
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hdiscussing it.

308
00:12:43,594 --> 00:12:45,264
Oh, God!

309
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,429
Okay, I got to fix this.

310
00:12:46,429 --> 00:12:49,132
I am bringing that shampoo
\h\h\h\hback to Nantucket.

311
00:12:49,132 --> 00:12:51,594
It’s the only way.

312
00:12:52,198 --> 00:12:54,165
\h\hJOE:
Pockets.

313
00:12:57,363 --> 00:12:59,759
\h\h\hDid you come in
with this ChapStick?

314
00:12:59,759 --> 00:13:00,759
Yes.

315
00:13:00,759 --> 00:13:03,759
I’ll, uh, check the tape.

316
00:13:09,264 --> 00:13:10,297
(rings)

317
00:13:10,297 --> 00:13:13,000
\hOh, thanks for agreeing
to meet me here, Dottie.

318
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,330
\h\h\h\h\h\hOf course,
Bell over the Door Café

319
00:13:15,330 --> 00:13:17,594
has the best coffee
\h\hon the island.

320
00:13:17,594 --> 00:13:18,429
(bell rings)

321
00:13:18,429 --> 00:13:20,462
\h\h\hYou know, I wanted
to clear the air with you

322
00:13:20,462 --> 00:13:21,726
about that bottle of shampoo.

323
00:13:21,726 --> 00:13:25,066
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt turns out
we did take it by mistake.

324
00:13:25,066 --> 00:13:26,561
I-I feel terrible,

325
00:13:26,561 --> 00:13:30,099
so I wanted to return it
\h\h\hto you personally.

326
00:13:30,099 --> 00:13:32,330
-(bottle thuds)
-(crowd gasps)

327
00:13:32,330 --> 00:13:33,132
That’s so nice.

328
00:13:33,132 --> 00:13:34,561
\h\h\h\hYou didn’t have
to drive all this way.

329
00:13:34,561 --> 00:13:36,726
\hI mean, you could have
just put it in the mail.

330
00:13:36,726 --> 00:13:39,231
Oh, no, the mail is
\h\hso impersonal.

331
00:13:39,231 --> 00:13:41,759
\h\hIt was important
I did this in person.

332
00:13:41,759 --> 00:13:44,033
Well, thank you again.

333
00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:45,264
(bell rings)

334
00:13:45,264 --> 00:13:47,066
So, now that this is settled,

335
00:13:47,066 --> 00:13:50,759
\h\h\h\hI was thinking maybe
you could change your review.

336
00:13:50,759 --> 00:13:53,000
Oh. I’m sorry, no.

337
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,231
I can’t do that.

338
00:13:54,231 --> 00:13:55,759
\h(laughs):
Oh, but...

339
00:13:55,759 --> 00:13:57,495
but I returned the bottle.

340
00:13:57,495 --> 00:14:00,099
\h\h\h\h\h\hLois, I write
the reviews of my guests

341
00:14:00,099 --> 00:14:03,330
\hbased on their behavior
while they’re in my home.

342
00:14:03,330 --> 00:14:05,528
And you stole the shampoo.

343
00:14:05,528 --> 00:14:08,033
And you only brought it back
\h\h\hbecause you got caught.

344
00:14:08,033 --> 00:14:10,396
\h\h\h\h\h\hSo if anything,
you’re proving what I wrote

345
00:14:10,396 --> 00:14:13,693
about you was correct.

346
00:14:15,033 --> 00:14:17,330
Dottie. Dot.

347
00:14:17,330 --> 00:14:18,033
D.

348
00:14:18,033 --> 00:14:19,660
Look, I am on my back here.

349
00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:21,462
My legs are in the stirrups,

350
00:14:21,462 --> 00:14:22,726
forceps have been utilized,

351
00:14:22,726 --> 00:14:24,495
there was some sort of suction,
and still

352
00:14:24,495 --> 00:14:27,066
\h-that’s not enough?
-I’m not changing it.

353
00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:29,231
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-(bell rings)
-Can we turn that bell off?!

354
00:14:29,231 --> 00:14:31,165
\h\h\h\h\hThat bell was
the only item recovered

355
00:14:31,165 --> 00:14:33,495
\h\h\h\h\hfrom a shipwreck
that devastated our island.

356
00:14:33,495 --> 00:14:35,660
Entire families were torn apart,
and...

357
00:14:35,660 --> 00:14:37,561
\h\h\h\h\h(chuckles)
Why am I telling you?

358
00:14:37,561 --> 00:14:41,033
\h\hJames Taylor wrote
a whole song about it.

359
00:14:41,759 --> 00:14:45,099
♪ 94 souls set out on that day ♪

360
00:14:45,099 --> 00:14:47,396
♪ And only a bell came back ♪

361
00:14:47,396 --> 00:14:52,066
♪ And it sings ding-a-ding,
\hding-a-ring-a-ding-ding ♪

362
00:14:52,066 --> 00:14:54,561
♪ Ding-a-ring-a-ding-ding... ♪

363
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,066
Shut up, James Taylor!

364
00:14:56,066 --> 00:14:57,198
Things can happen in New England

365
00:14:57,198 --> 00:14:59,429
without you needing
\hto sing about it.

366
00:14:59,429 --> 00:15:00,363
(crowd gasps)

367
00:15:00,363 --> 00:15:01,627
I think you should leave.

368
00:15:01,627 --> 00:15:03,330
Okay. You win, Dottie.

369
00:15:03,330 --> 00:15:04,627
You got your shampoo back

370
00:15:04,627 --> 00:15:06,561
and you officially
\hgot me canceled.

371
00:15:06,561 --> 00:15:08,264
This isn’t being canceled.

372
00:15:08,264 --> 00:15:10,396
\h-I think it is.
-JAMES: It’s not!

373
00:15:10,396 --> 00:15:11,627
Shut up, James Taylor!

374
00:15:11,627 --> 00:15:13,165
You don’t scare me, lady.

375
00:15:13,165 --> 00:15:16,231
I was married to Carly Simon.

376
00:15:21,033 --> 00:15:23,363
You stole the shampoo, Lois.

377
00:15:23,363 --> 00:15:24,363
(bell ringing)

378
00:15:24,363 --> 00:15:27,297
I’m not changing the review.

379
00:15:27,297 --> 00:15:29,198
I heard it had a pump.

380
00:15:29,198 --> 00:15:32,462
♪ Ring-ring-a-ding-ding. ♪

381
00:15:32,462 --> 00:15:35,066
No! I can’t let her win.

382
00:15:35,066 --> 00:15:35,759
Stop the ferry!

383
00:15:35,759 --> 00:15:38,297
We haven’t left yet, ma’am.

384
00:15:39,297 --> 00:15:40,462
(engine starts)

385
00:15:40,462 --> 00:15:43,231
(tires screech)

386
00:15:45,495 --> 00:15:48,000
(brakes squeal)

387
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:51,627
What’s your weakness, Dottie?

388
00:15:51,627 --> 00:15:54,000
I am gonna find it.

389
00:15:54,000 --> 00:15:55,132
(sniffing)

390
00:15:55,132 --> 00:15:58,495
\h\h\h\h\hOh, God, Lois,
no more chowder for you.

391
00:15:58,495 --> 00:16:01,429
(brakes squeal)

392
00:16:04,132 --> 00:16:05,528
(gasps) Oh!

393
00:16:05,528 --> 00:16:07,033
DoorDash. That’s it!

394
00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:10,231
Okay, time to do a choppy
\hFaceTime with the kids.

395
00:16:10,231 --> 00:16:13,363
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHey, Lois.
When are you coming home?

396
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:15,165
Stewie ...ooped ...tub.

397
00:16:15,165 --> 00:16:15,759
Stewie what?

398
00:16:15,759 --> 00:16:19,132
\h\h\h\h...ooped ...ub!
I... with an oven mitt!

399
00:16:19,132 --> 00:16:20,462
What with an oven mitt?

400
00:16:20,462 --> 00:16:21,759
\h-What?
-Hi, Mom.

401
00:16:21,759 --> 00:16:24,000
-...ooped ...ub!
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Who?

402
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:25,594
Everybody ...ooped... the tub..

403
00:16:25,594 --> 00:16:29,099
more ...oop than water.
\h\h\h\h\h\hCome home!

404
00:16:29,099 --> 00:16:31,033
♪ Ding, ding-a-ring,
\h\h\hring-a-ring-a ♪

405
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:34,198
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ Ding-ding,
ring-a-ding, ding-a-ring ♪

406
00:16:34,198 --> 00:16:35,330
♪ Ding-ding ♪

407
00:16:35,330 --> 00:16:37,726
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h♪ Ring-a-ding,
ding-a-ring, ring-a-ring-a ♪

408
00:16:37,726 --> 00:16:42,165
♪ Ding-ding, ring-a-ring-a-
\h\hding-ding, ding-ding. ♪

409
00:16:42,165 --> 00:16:44,495
(tires screech)

410
00:16:47,726 --> 00:16:50,561
(phone chimes)

411
00:16:56,231 --> 00:16:57,528
This is terrible, Brian.

412
00:16:57,528 --> 00:16:59,231
We’ve barely sold any boxes.

413
00:16:59,231 --> 00:17:00,198
Nobody likes taffy.

414
00:17:00,198 --> 00:17:03,132
\h\h\h\hYeah, I guess without
the salt air and ocean views,

415
00:17:03,132 --> 00:17:04,198
it’s just subpar gum.

416
00:17:04,198 --> 00:17:07,726
What are we gonna do? We sunk
\h\ha lot of money into this.

417
00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:09,429
We need to pivot.

418
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:10,660
It’s not selling as candy,

419
00:17:10,660 --> 00:17:13,066
so we need to repackage it
\h\h\h\h\h\h\has something

420
00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,396
people actually want.

421
00:17:14,396 --> 00:17:15,759
Let’s brainstorm.

422
00:17:15,759 --> 00:17:17,660
Okay. Hmm.

423
00:17:17,660 --> 00:17:21,165
\hYou know, I’m-I’m really not
liking your brainstorming face.

424
00:17:21,165 --> 00:17:23,462
Very unlikable eyebrow movement.

425
00:17:23,462 --> 00:17:25,000
Shh! I got it, I got it.

426
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,429
Colored layered sand in bottles.

427
00:17:27,429 --> 00:17:29,495
That’s a whole different
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbad idea.

428
00:17:29,495 --> 00:17:32,759
Okay, what about bottles
\hwith layered sand in it

429
00:17:32,759 --> 00:17:34,165
that’s different colors?

430
00:17:34,165 --> 00:17:36,264
That’s the same thing
except with the words

431
00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:37,231
in a different order.

432
00:17:37,231 --> 00:17:38,561
We’re never gonna sell
\h\h\h\hall this stuff

433
00:17:38,561 --> 00:17:40,594
\h\h\h\h\hunless we can find
a big enough group of suckers

434
00:17:40,594 --> 00:17:43,759
to trick into taking it
\h\h\h\hoff our hands.

435
00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:50,264
Welp, we found ’em!

436
00:17:50,264 --> 00:17:52,000
Stewie, rebranding this taffy

437
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,231
\h\h\h\h\has Chew Anon
was a stroke of genius.

438
00:17:54,231 --> 00:17:56,198
Yep, and when we told Joe Rogan

439
00:17:56,198 --> 00:17:57,660
it cured COVID, we were off.

440
00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:02,198
God bless our stupid,
\h\h\hstupid country.

441
00:18:04,297 --> 00:18:06,759
(thunder crashes)

442
00:18:13,198 --> 00:18:15,297
Hello, Dottie.

443
00:18:15,297 --> 00:18:18,000
Lois? What are you doing here?

444
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,198
Well, I brought your dinner.

445
00:18:20,198 --> 00:18:22,693
And... delivery complete.

446
00:18:22,693 --> 00:18:24,297
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, well,
would you look at that.

447
00:18:24,297 --> 00:18:27,066
It looks like it’s my turn
\hto give someone a review.

448
00:18:27,066 --> 00:18:27,660
What?

449
00:18:27,660 --> 00:18:30,000
After every delivery,
\hdrivers get to rate

450
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,363
\htheir experience
with the customer.

451
00:18:32,363 --> 00:18:34,033
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h(gasps)
Wouldn’t it be a shame

452
00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:36,165
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hif one
of only two DoorDash drivers

453
00:18:36,165 --> 00:18:40,297
\h\h\h\h\hon the island
gave you a poor review?

454
00:18:40,462 --> 00:18:43,726
(gasps) Well, they might ban
\h\hyou from the app, Dottie.

455
00:18:43,726 --> 00:18:46,066
You might actually have
\h\hto leave the house

456
00:18:46,066 --> 00:18:49,165
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hfor food
during the winter season.

457
00:18:51,396 --> 00:18:53,165
Okay, what do you want, money?

458
00:18:53,165 --> 00:18:54,132
No, no, no, no, no.

459
00:18:54,132 --> 00:18:56,099
Here’s what’s gonna happen,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDottie.

460
00:18:56,099 --> 00:18:58,330
\h\h\h\hYou’re gonna
take out your phone,

461
00:18:58,330 --> 00:18:59,759
open up Airbnb,

462
00:18:59,759 --> 00:19:02,165
then change that review.

463
00:19:02,165 --> 00:19:03,198
Okay.

464
00:19:03,198 --> 00:19:05,396
Type the following: "Would."

465
00:19:05,396 --> 00:19:07,561
-Would...
-"Host."

466
00:19:07,561 --> 00:19:09,726
\h-Host.
-"Again."

467
00:19:09,726 --> 00:19:11,726
-Again.
-Send.

468
00:19:11,726 --> 00:19:13,099
So that’s it?

469
00:19:13,099 --> 00:19:14,627
-This is over?
\h\h-That’s it.

470
00:19:14,627 --> 00:19:16,726
This is over.

471
00:19:16,726 --> 00:19:19,099
You know what, Dottie?

472
00:19:19,099 --> 00:19:21,033
I did steal that shampoo.

473
00:19:21,033 --> 00:19:22,165
You did?

474
00:19:22,165 --> 00:19:23,033
You’re damn right I did!

475
00:19:23,033 --> 00:19:25,495
I was always gonna
steal that shampoo.

476
00:19:25,495 --> 00:19:26,594
And do you know why?

477
00:19:26,594 --> 00:19:28,132
Because when I stood
\h\h\hin your shower

478
00:19:28,132 --> 00:19:30,396
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand rubbed that
peach orchard-scented bottle

479
00:19:30,396 --> 00:19:33,495
\h\hof bliss into my hair,
I felt like somebody else.

480
00:19:33,495 --> 00:19:35,495
I felt like somebody
\h\h\h\hwho mattered.

481
00:19:35,495 --> 00:19:37,528
Somebody who had enough
\h\h\h\hdisposable cash

482
00:19:37,528 --> 00:19:40,363
that she could buy
a scented shampoo.

483
00:19:40,363 --> 00:19:42,066
That’s what Airbnbs do, Dottie.

484
00:19:42,066 --> 00:19:45,495
\h\h\h\h\hThey make you feel like
you’re living a fairy tale life.

485
00:19:45,495 --> 00:19:48,297
\h\h\h\hAnd I wanted
that feeling to last.

486
00:19:48,297 --> 00:19:49,462
And it did!

487
00:19:49,462 --> 00:19:51,627
\h\hAlso, I opened
your locked closet

488
00:19:51,627 --> 00:19:54,429
and put on your wedding dress.
\h\h\h\h\h\hI ate yogurt in it.

489
00:19:54,429 --> 00:19:56,066
Oh, my God.

490
00:19:56,066 --> 00:19:57,198
Yeah, oh, my God.

491
00:19:57,198 --> 00:19:58,693
\h\h\h\hBecause that’s
what Lois Griffin does.

492
00:19:58,693 --> 00:20:02,297
Really, I should be thanking you
for reminding me of who I am:

493
00:20:02,297 --> 00:20:05,231
\ha secret little psycho
with very little to lose.

494
00:20:05,231 --> 00:20:06,693
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd there’s
a million of us out there,

495
00:20:06,693 --> 00:20:09,495
and you’re just welcoming
\hus all into your homes.

496
00:20:09,495 --> 00:20:11,561
So if you ever think
\h\hof giving someone

497
00:20:11,561 --> 00:20:15,099
a bad review again,
\h\hremember this.

498
00:20:15,396 --> 00:20:18,726
We know where you live.

499
00:20:19,264 --> 00:20:21,726
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hANNOUNCER:
Airbnb. What are you doing?!

500
00:20:21,726 --> 00:20:24,099
It’s your house!

501
00:20:31,693 --> 00:20:33,627
Well, it all worked out.

502
00:20:33,627 --> 00:20:34,231
What?

503
00:20:34,231 --> 00:20:35,561
Oh, I said it all worked out.

504
00:20:35,561 --> 00:20:38,264
I got my reputation
\h\hback on Airbnb,

505
00:20:38,264 --> 00:20:39,594
and Dottie got her comeuppance.

506
00:20:39,594 --> 00:20:42,726
\h\h\h\hI don’t know what you’re
talking about, and I don’t care.

507
00:20:42,726 --> 00:20:44,594
Oh. I just thought
\h\hwe could share

508
00:20:44,594 --> 00:20:46,396
some conversation
to pass the time.

509
00:20:46,396 --> 00:20:49,000
You’re the lady who yelled
\hat me in the coffee shop.

510
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,198
\h\h\h\hYou think I give a crap
about anything you have to say?

511
00:20:53,198 --> 00:20:56,264
Kind of thought you’d have
a helicopter, James Taylor.

512
00:20:56,264 --> 00:20:59,627
Carly got it in the divorce.