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00:00:01,393 --> 00:00:04,652
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,673
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to an ASPCA commercial
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00:00:36,762 --> 00:00:37,870
with the wrong music.
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♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪
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♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪
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-(phone beeps)
-Oh, they seem to be doing okay.
15
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Hey, can you guys keep it down?
I'm about to go on IG Live.
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Like I said, "IG Live."
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00:00:55,281 --> 00:00:57,114
All right, Meg's going
for her phone. She...
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Uhp, no,
she's just scratching herself.
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Well, uh, anyway,
if-if you guys are gonna join,
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just go into another room,
or I'll get interference.
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Other than that, uh...
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00:01:06,625 --> 00:01:09,142
I don't know, just buckle up
and enjoy the ride.
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Oh, and I tagged
Kurt Vonnegut's nephew,
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00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:14,481
so just...
just be cool on there.
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Boy, he's sure living
a lot longer than we expected.
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Going live in three, two, one.
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(howls) What's up, IG Live?!
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It's Brian Griffin, and
you are live in the "Dog House."
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Okay, no viewers yet.
I'll do it again.
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Hopefully I can keep
that energy.
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Uhp, got my first viewer.
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00:01:39,082 --> 00:01:41,266
Whoa! Getting a little crowded
in here.
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00:01:41,493 --> 00:01:45,996
And @BuyCryptoKid33 has
left the building.
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All right,
welcome @WinACarAskMeHow.
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And we got @LearnGuitarIn7Days
on the line.
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Let's get started.
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What I'm sure is
on both your minds is:
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what is the "hero's journey"?
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Well, that's a question pondered
by writers for many, many--
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00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:06,032
welcome, @Gain4InchesIn1Week--
many years.
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Let me recap
what we've learned so far.
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Writer, "hero's journey,"
many, many, many years.
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On the page that seemed
like eight minutes of material.
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Should we bail him out
with a question?
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00:02:18,788 --> 00:02:20,697
No, we're not gonna
bail him out with a question.
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00:02:20,716 --> 00:02:22,141
We're gonna... You know what?
47
00:02:22,368 --> 00:02:24,726
I will ask him a question.
Give me your phone.
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00:02:25,795 --> 00:02:26,728
(notification pops)
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(gasps) We're gonna take
a quick break.
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Hey, guys,
I brought in your paper.
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Why do you get the newspaper
if you're not gonna read it?
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Eh, sometimes I use it
to punctuate my sentences.
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00:02:41,737 --> 00:02:43,904
Well, anyway, I have a proposal
for the two of you.
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00:02:44,056 --> 00:02:46,522
Well, this
ought to be interesting.
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00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,169
Are the two of you free tonight
for a double date?
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00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,820
I'm seeing this girl, and
I think she's something special.
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I want you to meet her.
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00:02:54,157 --> 00:02:55,990
Oh, Glenn, that's wonderful.
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A-And you're sure she's not
a sex worker this time?
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No, I-I'm pretty sure.
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00:02:59,829 --> 00:03:02,163
I've offered her money many
times, and she hasn't taken it.
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A double date sounds great.
We'd love to go.
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(singsongy): Ooh,
the Quag's got a girlfriend.
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Ah! Get off me! We don't have
that kind of relationship.
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Shoo! Go on, Meg!
Get away from the houseguest!
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Get away from the houseguest!
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Sometimes I also use it
for that.
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ANNOUNCER:
Newspapers: Because your parrot
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can't (bleep) on an iPad.
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-(notification chimes)
-Whoa.
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00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,281
A DM from @OfficialInstagram?
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"Hello, Brian.
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"As a famous writer,
you are now eligible
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to become a verified account."
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Yes! Finally!
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00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:39,051
Well, maybe next you can get
a verified paycheck.
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00:03:40,295 --> 00:03:42,888
Why is your paper
called Brazilian Teens?
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00:03:43,115 --> 00:03:45,474
Well, what's your paper of
record for tan butts?
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00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:49,269
Exactly.
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I can't wait to meet this
new girlfriend of Quagmire's.
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You know, I always write
their names down
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in case his life
becomes a Dateline.
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(gasps) Oh, my God! It's her!
84
00:04:07,230 --> 00:04:10,064
-What? It's who?
-Quagmire's girlfriend is
85
00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:12,584
my old junior high school bully,
Stephanie.
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00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:14,569
She made my life a living hell.
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00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,496
Oh, see,
that guy's wearing sandals.
88
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I could've worn mine.
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00:04:17,907 --> 00:04:19,091
Peter, you don't know this
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00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:20,500
because you met me
in high school,
91
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,987
but middle school was a
painfully awkward phase for me.
92
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,265
(lively chatter)
93
00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:31,419
I had horrible acne,
I had to wear a back brace,
94
00:04:31,513 --> 00:04:34,831
and to make things worse, only
one of my boobs had come in.
95
00:04:34,850 --> 00:04:37,501
I had to resort to filling
the empty side of my bra
96
00:04:37,594 --> 00:04:39,836
with a Pop-O-Matic
from the board game Trouble.
97
00:04:39,855 --> 00:04:41,095
(popping)
98
00:04:42,024 --> 00:04:45,284
The other kids were cruel and
would call me horrible names.
99
00:04:45,435 --> 00:04:47,119
(laughter)
100
00:04:47,346 --> 00:04:49,195
-Look, it's Scoli-Lois.
-What a freak.
101
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:52,182
I just ate a sandwich, so
I'm waiting 20 minutes to swim.
102
00:04:52,275 --> 00:04:54,868
LOIS:
But the worst bully of them all
was Stephanie.
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00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,944
Hey, Lois, watch your step.
104
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,538
Your shoe's untied.
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(screams)
106
00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:02,283
(laughter)
107
00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,877
LOIS:
No one even tried to help.
108
00:05:04,029 --> 00:05:05,879
-What a loser!
-Walk much?
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00:05:06,031 --> 00:05:07,306
18 more minutes.
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00:05:07,457 --> 00:05:09,141
I would've drowned
if it wasn't for the buoyancy
111
00:05:09,292 --> 00:05:10,792
of the Pop-O-Matic.
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-(pops)
-(gasping)
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00:05:14,631 --> 00:05:18,299
Stephanie never even apologized,
and junior high trauma
114
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,377
is something
you don't recover from.
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00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:22,712
Yeah, my gym teacher drove me
home without his pants on,
116
00:05:22,731 --> 00:05:24,990
but your story sounds bad, too.
117
00:05:28,570 --> 00:05:31,163
Well, looks like all that
hard work is finally paying off.
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00:05:31,390 --> 00:05:33,073
I got verified on Instagram.
119
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Look at that, a blue check.
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00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:39,821
Blue check? That's green.
121
00:05:39,915 --> 00:05:41,006
Brian, you got hacked.
122
00:05:41,157 --> 00:05:42,082
That's ridiculous.
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Someone DM'd me and said
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they just needed
my mother's maiden name,
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00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:47,070
the last four numbers
of my credit card,
126
00:05:47,072 --> 00:05:49,163
and the first 12 numbers
of my credit card.
127
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,016
Then they responded
right away with,
128
00:05:51,167 --> 00:05:52,742
"Thank you, comploted."
129
00:05:52,761 --> 00:05:54,001
Huh.
130
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,245
That's not how you spell
"completed."
131
00:05:55,414 --> 00:05:57,581
-(phone rings)
-It's my credit card company.
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Hello?
133
00:05:59,175 --> 00:06:00,600
No, that wasn't me.
134
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,010
No. No. Ma'am,
I wouldn't know what to do
135
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,012
with that many
Tommy Hilfiger T-shirts.
136
00:06:05,107 --> 00:06:06,347
-Yuck.
-(phone beeps)
137
00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:08,349
Okay, you were right.
I got hacked.
138
00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:11,111
I'm so mad,
that hacker has me seeing gray.
139
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Red. It's red, Brian.
140
00:06:18,528 --> 00:06:20,120
Why are you so upset?
141
00:06:20,272 --> 00:06:21,880
You already canceled
your credit card.
142
00:06:22,107 --> 00:06:24,107
This hacker is
destroying my Instagram.
143
00:06:24,126 --> 00:06:25,291
I have a brand.
144
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:27,293
Posting Steve Harvey
stand-up jokes
145
00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:29,462
is actually
Steve Harvey's brand.
146
00:06:29,615 --> 00:06:31,706
I think you should just
give your account to the hacker.
147
00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,208
I mean, your Instagram wasn't
setting the world on fire.
148
00:06:34,377 --> 00:06:36,469
And I suppose
the hacker's posts are better?
149
00:06:36,622 --> 00:06:38,304
Look at this, it's just
a half a bottle of vodka
150
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,715
that says,
"Eto vodka-chas gde-to."
151
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,175
Brian, what does that even mean?
152
00:06:42,327 --> 00:06:44,236
Hit "See translation."
153
00:06:44,387 --> 00:06:46,238
"It's vodka o'clock somewhere."
154
00:06:46,389 --> 00:06:48,798
(laughing):
Oh, that's very funny.
That's very funny.
155
00:06:48,817 --> 00:06:50,800
You know, I've heard
it's "wine o'clock,"
156
00:06:50,819 --> 00:06:52,469
but I've never heard it
with vodka.
157
00:06:52,487 --> 00:06:55,138
That's what... That's-that's
whip smart is what that is.
158
00:06:55,231 --> 00:06:56,656
No! No, it's not!
159
00:06:56,808 --> 00:06:58,141
Stewie, I need to get
my account back.
160
00:06:58,234 --> 00:07:01,161
I-I may have sent
some weird DMs to Zendaya
161
00:07:01,313 --> 00:07:03,070
that I'd rather
not see the light of day.
162
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,649
Euphoria Zendaya
or Disney Zendaya?
163
00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:08,910
Yeah, a little from column A,
a little from column B.
164
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,720
We need to get
that account back.
165
00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:17,160
Lois Pewterschmidt,
what a small world.
166
00:07:17,179 --> 00:07:18,845
Nice to see you, too.
167
00:07:18,997 --> 00:07:21,681
You have aged
infuriatingly well.
168
00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:23,016
So, how did you two meet?
169
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,092
Did you both escape
from the same sex cult?
170
00:07:25,187 --> 00:07:26,427
Sex cults sound terrible,
171
00:07:26,505 --> 00:07:28,280
but also,
how do I get invited to one?
172
00:07:28,431 --> 00:07:29,781
-You tell it.
-No, you tell it.
173
00:07:29,933 --> 00:07:30,857
No, you just tell it.
174
00:07:31,026 --> 00:07:32,934
-No, you. Fine, I'll go.
-No, you, you go.
175
00:07:33,102 --> 00:07:34,101
(both laughing)
176
00:07:34,196 --> 00:07:35,528
Okay, Tinder.
177
00:07:35,681 --> 00:07:37,772
Huh, didn't really need
that whole parade.
178
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,199
And how did you two meet?
179
00:07:39,367 --> 00:07:42,352
Lois was dating another guy,
and I threatened to kill myself.
180
00:07:42,370 --> 00:07:44,612
Lois, remember you had
that back brace
181
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,040
everyone said made you look like
an ironing board in a sweater?
182
00:07:47,116 --> 00:07:49,526
(giggles) Say more stuff.
183
00:07:49,544 --> 00:07:51,970
You were a nerd? I thought
you said you were a prom queen.
184
00:07:52,121 --> 00:07:53,972
Prawn Queen.
185
00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:55,215
She ate a lot of shellfish,
186
00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:56,533
and her back was curved
liked a shrimp.
187
00:07:56,626 --> 00:07:58,977
(giggles) I've never
meant this before,
188
00:07:59,204 --> 00:08:00,962
but we should do this again.
189
00:08:01,056 --> 00:08:02,797
Kids were so mean back then.
190
00:08:02,891 --> 00:08:05,225
Well, I barely remember
those years.
191
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,635
Peter and I have
three lovely kids.
192
00:08:07,729 --> 00:08:10,897
They're a lot happier since
you're allowed to be fat now.
193
00:08:11,049 --> 00:08:14,141
Being a mom is the most
fulfilling job in the world.
194
00:08:14,236 --> 00:08:16,161
Oh, do you have kids?
195
00:08:16,312 --> 00:08:17,570
Be careful how you answer this.
196
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,406
Oh, I wish I did,
but after medical school,
197
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:23,484
then a four-year residency,
a two-year specialty,
198
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,229
three years in Central America
with Doctors Without Borders...
199
00:08:26,248 --> 00:08:28,581
Okay. Well, I'm sure
all those achievements
200
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,750
will come visit you
when you're on your death bed.
201
00:08:30,902 --> 00:08:33,737
Excuse me, some of
the other diners have complained
202
00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:35,514
that you're not talking
loudly enough.
203
00:08:35,665 --> 00:08:38,241
They're loving these stories
about how she was a nerd.
204
00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:41,244
It was "prawn queen"!
Like the shrimp!
205
00:08:41,263 --> 00:08:43,480
MAN:
Oh, that's even funnier!
206
00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:47,600
(chuckles) You know what?
207
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,343
I feel sorry for Stephanie now.
208
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:52,255
Really? What part?
The good skin or the great job?
209
00:08:52,274 --> 00:08:53,940
Oh, pfft. "Great job."
210
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,867
Anyone can be a doctor
in Ecuador.
211
00:08:56,094 --> 00:08:57,277
You think
they're checking diplomas?
212
00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:58,945
And she doesn't have any kids.
213
00:08:59,097 --> 00:09:01,264
Probably can't.
You know why? GMOs.
214
00:09:01,357 --> 00:09:03,266
Just gonna run this light
real quick.
215
00:09:03,359 --> 00:09:05,285
-(engine revs)
-(horn honks)
216
00:09:05,437 --> 00:09:06,452
Settle down.
217
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,380
I mean, I ate way better
than she was eating.
218
00:09:08,531 --> 00:09:10,215
Did you see
I ordered a salad?
219
00:09:10,366 --> 00:09:13,109
It was a wedge that was mostly
bleu cheese and bacon.
220
00:09:13,128 --> 00:09:15,202
It was listed under "salad."
221
00:09:15,371 --> 00:09:17,797
But did you notice Stephanie
ordered french fries?
222
00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:20,967
French fries, no kids,
you do the math.
223
00:09:21,119 --> 00:09:24,104
Anyway, point is,
I won dinner.
224
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,381
-(horn honks)
-Settle down.
225
00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:31,127
I mean, you-you think
I won dinner, right, Peter?
226
00:09:31,220 --> 00:09:33,313
Well, you did eat
a lot faster than her.
227
00:09:33,389 --> 00:09:35,556
And-and now that
I think about it,
228
00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:38,559
after she said I looked "good,"
she looked right at my hands.
229
00:09:38,728 --> 00:09:41,638
What does that mean? Age comes
out in the hands, Peter.
230
00:09:41,656 --> 00:09:43,323
Maybe she's trying to figure out
how old I am!
231
00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:45,232
Well, but she knows
how old I am.
232
00:09:45,327 --> 00:09:48,110
(gasps) I bet she was judging
my tiny wedding ring.
233
00:09:48,146 --> 00:09:49,921
Why was she looking
at my hands, Peter?!
234
00:09:50,073 --> 00:09:51,756
I think your thumb was
in the butter.
235
00:09:51,908 --> 00:09:53,258
But did she see that?
236
00:09:53,485 --> 00:09:54,834
I don't know, but
nobody ate butter after that,
237
00:09:54,986 --> 00:09:56,519
so yeah, probably.
238
00:09:56,579 --> 00:09:59,672
I love that she had to ask
what "caprese" was.
239
00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:01,341
What a dumb bitch.
240
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,343
What-What's going on
with your face?
241
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,920
(laughs): I don't know
what you're talking about.
242
00:10:06,014 --> 00:10:08,589
Maybe-maybe it's
a giant grin, huh?
243
00:10:08,683 --> 00:10:11,501
From having triumphed
over my former bully!
244
00:10:12,504 --> 00:10:14,779
There's a rash forming
on the back of your legs.
245
00:10:15,006 --> 00:10:16,114
What? There is?
246
00:10:16,265 --> 00:10:18,265
-(back cracks)
-Ah! Son of a bitch!
247
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,101
Lois, what the hell's
going on with you?
248
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,845
I don't know!
249
00:10:21,938 --> 00:10:23,363
I think seeing Stephanie
brought back
250
00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:25,849
one of my old junior high school
panic attacks.
251
00:10:25,942 --> 00:10:28,351
(gasping) Quick,
I have to do the only thing
252
00:10:28,370 --> 00:10:29,794
that would calm me back then:
253
00:10:29,946 --> 00:10:32,856
lie in a dark room
and try to blast Sarah McLachlan
254
00:10:32,874 --> 00:10:35,050
but accidentally play
the wrong song.
255
00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:39,787
♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪
256
00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:41,306
♪ Everybody have... ♪
257
00:10:41,416 --> 00:10:44,309
Oh, phew, Lois seems
to be doing okay.
258
00:10:44,536 --> 00:10:47,795
♪ Everybody Wang Chung tonight ♪
259
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:51,232
♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪
260
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:58,198
Have we ever been alone
in a room together before?
261
00:11:00,068 --> 00:11:01,642
-So, Instagram update...
-We're talking!
262
00:11:01,853 --> 00:11:03,144
The hacker contacted me.
263
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,071
He's demanding $10,000!
264
00:11:05,148 --> 00:11:06,981
I hear you're looking
to kill somebody.
265
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,908
What? No.
I'm just trying to find a guy
266
00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:10,226
who hacked my Instagram account.
267
00:11:10,245 --> 00:11:11,485
I can also help with that.
268
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,838
I'm really good at
finding cyberbullies.
269
00:11:14,065 --> 00:11:16,174
One time, I got
an anonymous tweet telling me
270
00:11:16,401 --> 00:11:19,752
to go kill myself and I tracked
the IP address to...
271
00:11:19,829 --> 00:11:20,845
-Chrissy Teigen.
-Chrissy Teigen?
272
00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:22,755
Yeah, that's...
It's kind of her thing.
273
00:11:23,758 --> 00:11:25,350
-I don't know
how you're gonna find...
-That's in Russia.
274
00:11:25,577 --> 00:11:27,519
(speaking Russian)
275
00:11:31,933 --> 00:11:33,340
How do you know
how to speak Russian?
276
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,935
If you watch enough super dark
videos on the Internet,
277
00:11:36,087 --> 00:11:37,511
eventually
you're gonna learn Russian.
278
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:40,181
First, just the Russian words
for "please don't kill me,"
279
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,592
but it's amazing how those
are really the building blocks
280
00:11:42,685 --> 00:11:44,035
of an entire language.
281
00:11:44,112 --> 00:11:46,262
-German's very similar.
-And then I was able to make
282
00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:48,281
some friends
in a Russian AOL chatroom.
283
00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:50,524
You've got a whole
little life going on, huh?
284
00:11:50,618 --> 00:11:52,952
Can you figure out what city
this hacker lives in?
285
00:11:53,029 --> 00:11:54,787
Okay, I'm thinking
the big boys in Moscow
286
00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,289
are phishing in Europe.
287
00:11:56,441 --> 00:11:58,199
Russia has 11 time zones,
so if we triangulate
288
00:11:58,293 --> 00:12:00,626
the activity
through peak hours...
289
00:12:00,779 --> 00:12:01,945
Yup. Just what I thought.
290
00:12:01,963 --> 00:12:04,055
-Chelyabinsk.
-That was fast.
291
00:12:05,283 --> 00:12:07,208
You got to move fast
in this world, bro.
292
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,452
So, are we gonna go
find this guy or what?
293
00:12:09,454 --> 00:12:11,429
All right, looks like
we're going to Russia.
294
00:12:11,656 --> 00:12:14,399
Russia? We can't go there.
They're at war with Ukraine!
295
00:12:14,626 --> 00:12:17,384
-They are? Whoa, crazy.
-I say we do it.
296
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,404
We're really gonna go
to a country at war,
297
00:12:19,631 --> 00:12:22,240
and we couldn't go to my
business meeting on Fire Island?
298
00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:26,970
-What business meeting?
-I sell bikini swimsuits
for "men of size."
299
00:12:26,988 --> 00:12:28,913
-You mean fat guys?
-No.
300
00:12:29,065 --> 00:12:31,124
(laughs):
No, no, no, no, no, no.
301
00:12:42,003 --> 00:12:44,003
Are you here
for business or displeasure?
302
00:12:44,172 --> 00:12:45,746
We're here to find
the hacker that...
303
00:12:45,824 --> 00:12:47,265
Stole your Instagram, yes.
304
00:12:47,416 --> 00:12:49,826
Enjoy ten-square kilometer
of country
305
00:12:49,995 --> 00:12:52,604
that don't make Geiger counter
go "beep, beep, beep."
306
00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:54,439
-(beeping)
-Hey!
307
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:57,609
It's that way.
308
00:13:00,505 --> 00:13:03,356
And then Nurse Maguire
gave everyone a valentine
309
00:13:03,508 --> 00:13:04,674
except for me.
310
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:06,934
I want to be picked up now, Mom.
311
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,620
Fine, I'll see you at 4:00.
312
00:13:08,847 --> 00:13:10,346
-(phone beeps)
-(sobs)
313
00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:12,849
-What do you want?
-Dr. Hartman,
314
00:13:12,867 --> 00:13:14,292
I have no idea what's going on.
315
00:13:14,519 --> 00:13:17,111
I feel like I'm turning back
into my old teenage self,
316
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,280
and there's nothing
I can do about it.
317
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:22,058
I see. Did you recently
run into an old bully
318
00:13:22,193 --> 00:13:24,027
or were you tagged
in a very unflattering
319
00:13:24,045 --> 00:13:25,528
Throwback Thursday photo?
320
00:13:25,547 --> 00:13:29,215
I did. I ran into a girl who
terrorized me in junior high
321
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,884
and she used to call me
Scoli-Lois.
322
00:13:32,053 --> 00:13:34,295
(laughs) Like "scoliosis."
That's very good.
323
00:13:34,372 --> 00:13:36,372
I just learned what that is
today, as a matter of fact.
324
00:13:36,391 --> 00:13:39,633
Dr. Hartman,
what's happening to me?
325
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,653
Well, Mrs. Griffin,
I think you're suffering
326
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,546
from severe nerd damage.
327
00:13:43,639 --> 00:13:45,381
I am? What's that?
328
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,384
You see, all nerds are
one tossed-off joke away
329
00:13:48,553 --> 00:13:51,312
from reverting to their worst,
most humiliating selves.
330
00:13:51,406 --> 00:13:53,665
But I don't want to be
a nerd forever.
331
00:13:53,741 --> 00:13:56,150
Tell you what,
find the coolest guy in school
332
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,818
and give him a tug
behind the bleachers.
333
00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:58,819
That usually solves it.
334
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:00,338
Does that really work?
335
00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:01,914
I don't know.
336
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:04,567
Why don't we go find out.
337
00:14:04,586 --> 00:14:07,512
♪ ♪
338
00:14:14,429 --> 00:14:16,262
Hey, you guys, this is exciting.
339
00:14:16,414 --> 00:14:17,763
I'm reading about Chelyabinsk,
340
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,173
and if it's not
too much trouble,
341
00:14:19,267 --> 00:14:22,176
I'd love to swing by
Kuznetsov's tea-packing factory.
342
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,270
It was built in 1898
343
00:14:24,422 --> 00:14:27,198
and briefly popularized
the phrase "Have a cup of Kuz."
344
00:14:27,350 --> 00:14:29,425
-Yeah, I don't know.
-Oh, you're no fun.
345
00:14:29,444 --> 00:14:30,684
Meg? Cup of Kuz?
346
00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,095
Come on,
we got to find this guy.
347
00:14:32,113 --> 00:14:34,113
Now, think like a hacker.
Where would he be?
348
00:14:34,265 --> 00:14:37,292
Why don't we just follow
this giant ethernet cable?
349
00:14:43,032 --> 00:14:45,199
Did you know
Chelyabinsk is known
350
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,385
as "the Chicago of the Urals?"
351
00:14:47,462 --> 00:14:50,513
I'm-I'm, like, pinching myself,
I'm that jazzed.
352
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,185
Let me handle this.
353
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,400
I sorry. I also conveniently
speak a little English.
354
00:15:02,551 --> 00:15:05,311
Come in,
I explain over cup of Kuz.
355
00:15:05,463 --> 00:15:08,981
Oh, jackpot! And you know
they're gonna have good Kuz.
356
00:15:09,134 --> 00:15:11,300
First, I must know,
is it true in America
357
00:15:11,394 --> 00:15:14,153
there's a man named
Cedric who entertains?
358
00:15:14,305 --> 00:15:16,247
-Uh, yeah.
-Wow.
359
00:15:16,399 --> 00:15:19,659
So, Brian Griffin,
is this beautiful American wife?
360
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:22,145
Me? No, I'm not married.
361
00:15:22,238 --> 00:15:24,255
You are like big
beautiful nesting doll
362
00:15:24,407 --> 00:15:26,240
that holds other dolls inside.
363
00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:28,651
-You really mean that?
-Da.
364
00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:30,319
You are the outside one
365
00:15:30,338 --> 00:15:32,413
because it has to fit
all the other ones.
366
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:36,083
Aw, Meg, you're pretty
in this very ugly country.
367
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,603
Brian, I only stole account
because it made me feel
368
00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:42,106
like I was living happy American
life of big writer man.
369
00:15:42,258 --> 00:15:43,849
He has five followers.
370
00:15:44,002 --> 00:15:46,444
I have nobody
and nothing to live for.
371
00:15:46,595 --> 00:15:48,020
Well, you have to have
some family.
372
00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:49,505
No, they all burnt.
373
00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:51,190
At least you have
a place to call home.
374
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:55,011
Nyet. My apartment also burnt.
This temporary.
375
00:15:55,029 --> 00:15:58,181
I lived in puddle for while
but sun dried up my house.
376
00:15:58,274 --> 00:16:01,459
I yell at sun, "Give it back!"
But it never does.
377
00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:05,964
That is why every day I wake up
and shoot single bullet at sun.
378
00:16:06,191 --> 00:16:08,691
That would actually make
a good Instagram.
379
00:16:08,784 --> 00:16:10,693
Post that every day.
380
00:16:10,712 --> 00:16:11,877
What? It would.
381
00:16:12,046 --> 00:16:14,806
♪ ♪
382
00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:17,216
I don't understand why
the man who can't go swimming
383
00:16:17,368 --> 00:16:18,493
has a pool party.
384
00:16:18,495 --> 00:16:21,295
Once the harness is fixed,
I can be lowered.
385
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,706
Wasn't this
a great idea of Stephanie's?
386
00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:26,042
After the dinner we had,
she told me all about the fun
387
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,727
you guys used to have
at pool parties.
388
00:16:27,879 --> 00:16:30,046
Oh, okay, that's nice.
389
00:16:30,064 --> 00:16:31,881
Don't you think
it's a little strange
390
00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:33,566
that Stephanie would want
to have a pool party
391
00:16:33,718 --> 00:16:36,219
when that's the very place
she humiliated me?
392
00:16:36,237 --> 00:16:38,387
I-I'm sorry, Lois. There's a guy
here who's fatter than me,
393
00:16:38,406 --> 00:16:40,481
and I'm just checking out
his front-meats.
394
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,666
(sighs)
395
00:16:42,894 --> 00:16:44,744
Hey, Lois.
You're not going in?
396
00:16:44,896 --> 00:16:46,579
No, I'm covered in Differin gel.
397
00:16:46,731 --> 00:16:48,414
I can't go in the chlorine
or the sun.
398
00:16:48,491 --> 00:16:50,341
-(grunts)
-Oh, sorry, Lois.
399
00:16:50,493 --> 00:16:53,011
I thought you were
the towel return bin.
400
00:16:53,162 --> 00:16:55,662
Well, if you need anything,
I'll be over there
401
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,558
playing generic backyard party
football with your husband.
402
00:17:00,428 --> 00:17:02,578
I can play, too.
403
00:17:02,671 --> 00:17:04,413
(grunts)
404
00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:06,582
As soon as I unclasp
my hernia girdle.
405
00:17:06,751 --> 00:17:08,084
Aah!
406
00:17:08,102 --> 00:17:10,010
(gargling, gasping)
407
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,179
(coughing)
408
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,590
You pushed me!
She pushed me!
409
00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:15,925
Lois, let me help.
410
00:17:15,943 --> 00:17:17,702
Oh, you can drop the act,
Stephanie.
411
00:17:17,929 --> 00:17:20,371
You may have won everyone over,
but you're nothing more
412
00:17:20,523 --> 00:17:21,873
than a mean girl and a bully,
413
00:17:22,024 --> 00:17:23,616
just like you were
in junior high.
414
00:17:23,768 --> 00:17:27,712
But karma comes in many forms,
including stretch marks.
415
00:17:27,863 --> 00:17:29,547
-We all see them!
-I don't see them.
416
00:17:29,698 --> 00:17:31,716
BOTH: Above the knee
on her left thigh.
417
00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:33,051
You pushed me now,
418
00:17:33,278 --> 00:17:35,278
just like you pushed me
back in junior high.
419
00:17:35,296 --> 00:17:37,129
Lois, I never pushed you.
420
00:17:37,282 --> 00:17:38,890
I was trying to help you.
421
00:17:39,117 --> 00:17:41,392
I was always trying to help you.
422
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,050
Hey, Lois, watch your step!
423
00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:52,070
-Your shoe's untied.
-Aah!
424
00:17:54,148 --> 00:17:55,981
And what about just now?
425
00:17:56,134 --> 00:17:57,391
You got an excuse for that?
426
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,743
Well, yes.
427
00:17:58,970 --> 00:18:01,579
I was trying to catch a football
thrown by your husband.
428
00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,155
I wasn't trying
to complete the pass.
429
00:18:03,308 --> 00:18:04,640
I was just trying
to show the other wives
430
00:18:04,733 --> 00:18:05,825
how far I can throw it.
431
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,902
So, this whole time
you never bullied me?
432
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:12,148
No. I always admired
how you persevered
433
00:18:12,241 --> 00:18:13,666
through all these burdens.
434
00:18:13,818 --> 00:18:16,243
In fact, you inspired me
to start my own foundation
435
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,096
for kids with scoliosis.
436
00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:21,415
This year, we have
50 Scoli-Lois scholars.
437
00:18:21,509 --> 00:18:25,177
-Fifty?
-Yes, all in your honor.
438
00:18:25,330 --> 00:18:28,106
Oh, I'm sorry, Stephanie.
I-I guess I was wrong.
439
00:18:28,257 --> 00:18:31,925
All right! That means it's
your turn to service me in bed.
440
00:18:32,003 --> 00:18:33,945
No, Peter, that's only
when I'm wrong
441
00:18:34,096 --> 00:18:35,762
about something having
to do with you.
442
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,764
Chris, don't let anyone
touch my cake.
443
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,008
I'll be back in ten minutes.
444
00:18:39,026 --> 00:18:41,369
Hi, Lois' friends!
445
00:18:44,198 --> 00:18:45,790
Well, you ready
to head home, Stewie?
446
00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,183
What's that, Brian?
447
00:18:47,201 --> 00:18:49,776
Sorry, I'm muling
quite a bit of Kuz right now.
448
00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,278
Where's your stuff?
449
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,614
Brian, we came here
to find your account
450
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,783
but found something
much more valuable:
451
00:18:56,952 --> 00:18:58,085
my happiness.
452
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:00,120
Yeah, le-let me be
the writer, Meg.
453
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:01,864
I can't go back home.
454
00:19:01,883 --> 00:19:03,975
What?
You're staying in Russia?
455
00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:06,719
This is a country where
female body hair is encouraged,
456
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,555
where I can eat root vegetables
straight from the ground
457
00:19:09,707 --> 00:19:12,892
without being placed under
an involuntary psychiatric hold.
458
00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:15,561
Last night,
when Ivan made love to me...
459
00:19:15,713 --> 00:19:16,545
-Aah, no, no, no.
-Uh, please, please stop.
460
00:19:16,639 --> 00:19:17,638
-Nope, nope, nope.
-Stop, stop.
461
00:19:17,732 --> 00:19:19,548
He said,
(Russian accent): "Meg Griffin,
462
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,993
you have strong haunches
like horse."
463
00:19:22,144 --> 00:19:23,903
(regular accent):
How sweet is that?
464
00:19:24,055 --> 00:19:26,146
I'm an eight in Russia, Brian.
465
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,648
I'm staying here.
466
00:19:27,742 --> 00:19:29,834
Well, okay.
467
00:19:30,061 --> 00:19:32,077
But we're truly gonna miss you.
468
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:35,398
And if this really is
the end of our time together,
469
00:19:35,416 --> 00:19:37,917
we probably ought to tally up
expenses from the trip.
470
00:19:38,069 --> 00:19:40,419
Oh, um, okay.
471
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,346
Yeah, I bought that magazine
at the airport,
472
00:19:42,498 --> 00:19:44,256
so let's put that
in the "group" column.
473
00:19:44,409 --> 00:19:46,017
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
-Yeah, no,
474
00:19:46,093 --> 00:19:48,168
airport purchases,
we said, were all together.
475
00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:49,169
You're the only one
who read that.
476
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,429
It goes in the "Brian" column.
477
00:19:50,581 --> 00:19:52,356
You read the cover.
You commented on it.
478
00:19:52,583 --> 00:19:55,100
All I said was, "When did
Miles Teller get so jacked?"
479
00:19:55,253 --> 00:19:57,010
-Yeah. That's reading.
-That's not reading.
480
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,088
That's just looking at a picture
and commenting.
481
00:19:59,181 --> 00:20:00,773
So you're saying
the words "Miles Teller"
482
00:20:00,925 --> 00:20:02,015
were not on the cover?
483
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,776
Oh, okay, well,
when I bought my Clif Bar,
484
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,871
you said, "Mmm, peanut butter
and chocolate, looks good."
485
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,098
Sounds like
a group expense to me.
486
00:20:09,116 --> 00:20:10,616
No way. Meg, wouldn't you
call that a personal...
487
00:20:10,768 --> 00:20:12,710
-Uhp, she's gone.
-Yep.
488
00:20:12,861 --> 00:20:14,545
Guess we're covering
her neck pillow, huh?
489
00:20:20,369 --> 00:20:23,054
Oh, gang, we got
another postcard from Meg.
490
00:20:23,205 --> 00:20:25,205
"Dear Mom and Dad,
491
00:20:25,332 --> 00:20:27,874
"I've contracted rinderpest,
492
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,135
"also known as cattle plague,
493
00:20:30,288 --> 00:20:32,471
"which has been eradicated
from most of the world,
494
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,306
"except from here.
495
00:20:34,459 --> 00:20:36,959
They say I'm a local now,
ha-ha."
496
00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:39,237
Aw, I'm just glad
she's having fun.
497
00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,721
Yeah, and thank God
498
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,907
everything worked out
between me and Stephanie,
499
00:20:43,058 --> 00:20:45,910
so I can finally put all that
middle school baggage behind me.
500
00:20:46,137 --> 00:20:47,411
And maybe I can start putting
501
00:20:47,488 --> 00:20:49,730
some of my other baggage
behind me.
502
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,065
Peter, we need to talk.
503
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,476
I think this relationship has...
504
00:20:53,569 --> 00:20:55,978
If you leave me
I will kill myself.
505
00:20:55,997 --> 00:20:57,463
(sighs)
506
00:20:58,833 --> 00:21:00,591
I love us.