1 00:00:01,393 --> 00:00:04,652 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,673 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:11,343 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,495 --> 00:00:14,346 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,498 --> 00:00:18,075 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:21,336 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,929 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,082 --> 00:00:24,248 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,341 --> 00:00:30,154 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:36,610 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to an ASPCA commercial 11 00:00:36,762 --> 00:00:37,870 with the wrong music. 12 00:00:38,097 --> 00:00:41,856 ♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪ 13 00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:45,377 ♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪ 14 00:00:45,604 --> 00:00:47,454 -(phone beeps) -Oh, they seem to be doing okay. 15 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:51,091 Hey, can you guys keep it down? I'm about to go on IG Live. 16 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:55,054 Like I said, "IG Live." 17 00:00:55,281 --> 00:00:57,114 All right, Meg's going for her phone. She... 18 00:00:57,132 --> 00:00:59,116 Uhp, no, she's just scratching herself. 19 00:00:59,134 --> 00:01:01,042 Well, uh, anyway, if-if you guys are gonna join, 20 00:01:01,062 --> 00:01:04,063 just go into another room, or I'll get interference. 21 00:01:04,214 --> 00:01:06,473 Other than that, uh... 22 00:01:06,625 --> 00:01:09,142 I don't know, just buckle up and enjoy the ride. 23 00:01:09,295 --> 00:01:11,236 Oh, and I tagged Kurt Vonnegut's nephew, 24 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:14,481 so just... just be cool on there. 25 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:17,659 Boy, he's sure living a lot longer than we expected. 26 00:01:20,730 --> 00:01:24,065 Going live in three, two, one. 27 00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:27,569 (howls) What's up, IG Live?! 28 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:32,316 It's Brian Griffin, and you are live in the "Dog House." 29 00:01:32,334 --> 00:01:35,152 Okay, no viewers yet. I'll do it again. 30 00:01:35,170 --> 00:01:36,678 Hopefully I can keep that energy. 31 00:01:37,747 --> 00:01:38,931 Uhp, got my first viewer. 32 00:01:39,082 --> 00:01:41,266 Whoa! Getting a little crowded in here. 33 00:01:41,493 --> 00:01:45,996 And @BuyCryptoKid33 has left the building. 34 00:01:46,089 --> 00:01:49,274 All right, welcome @WinACarAskMeHow. 35 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:52,778 And we got @LearnGuitarIn7Days on the line. 36 00:01:52,929 --> 00:01:54,113 Let's get started. 37 00:01:54,264 --> 00:01:55,948 What I'm sure is on both your minds is: 38 00:01:56,099 --> 00:01:58,675 what is the "hero's journey"? 39 00:01:58,768 --> 00:02:01,603 Well, that's a question pondered by writers for many, many-- 40 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:06,032 welcome, @Gain4InchesIn1Week-- many years. 41 00:02:06,201 --> 00:02:08,127 Let me recap what we've learned so far. 42 00:02:08,354 --> 00:02:11,505 Writer, "hero's journey," many, many, many years. 43 00:02:13,450 --> 00:02:16,784 On the page that seemed like eight minutes of material. 44 00:02:16,879 --> 00:02:18,695 Should we bail him out with a question? 45 00:02:18,788 --> 00:02:20,697 No, we're not gonna bail him out with a question. 46 00:02:20,716 --> 00:02:22,141 We're gonna... You know what? 47 00:02:22,368 --> 00:02:24,726 I will ask him a question. Give me your phone. 48 00:02:25,795 --> 00:02:26,728 (notification pops) 49 00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:31,692 (gasps) We're gonna take a quick break. 50 00:02:35,397 --> 00:02:36,989 Hey, guys, I brought in your paper. 51 00:02:37,140 --> 00:02:39,140 Why do you get the newspaper if you're not gonna read it? 52 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,718 Eh, sometimes I use it to punctuate my sentences. 53 00:02:41,737 --> 00:02:43,904 Well, anyway, I have a proposal for the two of you. 54 00:02:44,056 --> 00:02:46,522 Well, this ought to be interesting. 55 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,169 Are the two of you free tonight for a double date? 56 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,820 I'm seeing this girl, and I think she's something special. 57 00:02:52,915 --> 00:02:54,006 I want you to meet her. 58 00:02:54,157 --> 00:02:55,990 Oh, Glenn, that's wonderful. 59 00:02:56,084 --> 00:02:58,177 A-And you're sure she's not a sex worker this time? 60 00:02:58,253 --> 00:02:59,678 No, I-I'm pretty sure. 61 00:02:59,829 --> 00:03:02,163 I've offered her money many times, and she hasn't taken it. 62 00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:05,184 A double date sounds great. We'd love to go. 63 00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:07,744 (singsongy): Ooh, the Quag's got a girlfriend. 64 00:03:07,763 --> 00:03:10,247 Ah! Get off me! We don't have that kind of relationship. 65 00:03:10,265 --> 00:03:12,082 Shoo! Go on, Meg! Get away from the houseguest! 66 00:03:12,175 --> 00:03:13,675 Get away from the houseguest! 67 00:03:13,769 --> 00:03:15,343 Sometimes I also use it for that. 68 00:03:15,437 --> 00:03:17,679 ANNOUNCER: Newspapers: Because your parrot 69 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,698 can't (bleep) on an iPad. 70 00:03:24,263 --> 00:03:25,687 -(notification chimes) -Whoa. 71 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,281 A DM from @OfficialInstagram? 72 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:29,708 "Hello, Brian. 73 00:03:29,935 --> 00:03:32,102 "As a famous writer, you are now eligible 74 00:03:32,195 --> 00:03:34,438 to become a verified account." 75 00:03:34,531 --> 00:03:36,106 Yes! Finally! 76 00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:39,051 Well, maybe next you can get a verified paycheck. 77 00:03:40,295 --> 00:03:42,888 Why is your paper called Brazilian Teens? 78 00:03:43,115 --> 00:03:45,474 Well, what's your paper of record for tan butts? 79 00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:49,269 Exactly. 80 00:03:53,216 --> 00:03:55,959 I can't wait to meet this new girlfriend of Quagmire's. 81 00:03:55,978 --> 00:03:57,736 You know, I always write their names down 82 00:03:57,887 --> 00:04:00,030 in case his life becomes a Dateline. 83 00:04:04,060 --> 00:04:07,137 (gasps) Oh, my God! It's her! 84 00:04:07,230 --> 00:04:10,064 -What? It's who? -Quagmire's girlfriend is 85 00:04:10,084 --> 00:04:12,584 my old junior high school bully, Stephanie. 86 00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:14,569 She made my life a living hell. 87 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,496 Oh, see, that guy's wearing sandals. 88 00:04:16,648 --> 00:04:17,814 I could've worn mine. 89 00:04:17,907 --> 00:04:19,091 Peter, you don't know this 90 00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:20,500 because you met me in high school, 91 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,987 but middle school was a painfully awkward phase for me. 92 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,265 (lively chatter) 93 00:04:28,827 --> 00:04:31,419 I had horrible acne, I had to wear a back brace, 94 00:04:31,513 --> 00:04:34,831 and to make things worse, only one of my boobs had come in. 95 00:04:34,850 --> 00:04:37,501 I had to resort to filling the empty side of my bra 96 00:04:37,594 --> 00:04:39,836 with a Pop-O-Matic from the board game Trouble. 97 00:04:39,855 --> 00:04:41,095 (popping) 98 00:04:42,024 --> 00:04:45,284 The other kids were cruel and would call me horrible names. 99 00:04:45,435 --> 00:04:47,119 (laughter) 100 00:04:47,346 --> 00:04:49,195 -Look, it's Scoli-Lois. -What a freak. 101 00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:52,182 I just ate a sandwich, so I'm waiting 20 minutes to swim. 102 00:04:52,275 --> 00:04:54,868 LOIS: But the worst bully of them all was Stephanie. 103 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,944 Hey, Lois, watch your step. 104 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,538 Your shoe's untied. 105 00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,357 (screams) 106 00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:02,283 (laughter) 107 00:05:02,303 --> 00:05:03,877 LOIS: No one even tried to help. 108 00:05:04,029 --> 00:05:05,879 -What a loser! -Walk much? 109 00:05:06,031 --> 00:05:07,306 18 more minutes. 110 00:05:07,457 --> 00:05:09,141 I would've drowned if it wasn't for the buoyancy 111 00:05:09,292 --> 00:05:10,792 of the Pop-O-Matic. 112 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:13,061 -(pops) -(gasping) 113 00:05:14,631 --> 00:05:18,299 Stephanie never even apologized, and junior high trauma 114 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,377 is something you don't recover from. 115 00:05:20,470 --> 00:05:22,712 Yeah, my gym teacher drove me home without his pants on, 116 00:05:22,731 --> 00:05:24,990 but your story sounds bad, too. 117 00:05:28,570 --> 00:05:31,163 Well, looks like all that hard work is finally paying off. 118 00:05:31,390 --> 00:05:33,073 I got verified on Instagram. 119 00:05:33,225 --> 00:05:35,375 Look at that, a blue check. 120 00:05:37,729 --> 00:05:39,821 Blue check? That's green. 121 00:05:39,915 --> 00:05:41,006 Brian, you got hacked. 122 00:05:41,157 --> 00:05:42,082 That's ridiculous. 123 00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:43,249 Someone DM'd me and said 124 00:05:43,402 --> 00:05:45,159 they just needed my mother's maiden name, 125 00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:47,070 the last four numbers of my credit card, 126 00:05:47,072 --> 00:05:49,163 and the first 12 numbers of my credit card. 127 00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,016 Then they responded right away with, 128 00:05:51,167 --> 00:05:52,742 "Thank you, comploted." 129 00:05:52,761 --> 00:05:54,001 Huh. 130 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,245 That's not how you spell "completed." 131 00:05:55,414 --> 00:05:57,581 -(phone rings) -It's my credit card company. 132 00:05:57,599 --> 00:05:59,082 Hello? 133 00:05:59,175 --> 00:06:00,600 No, that wasn't me. 134 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,010 No. No. Ma'am, I wouldn't know what to do 135 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,012 with that many Tommy Hilfiger T-shirts. 136 00:06:05,107 --> 00:06:06,347 -Yuck. -(phone beeps) 137 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:08,349 Okay, you were right. I got hacked. 138 00:06:08,369 --> 00:06:11,111 I'm so mad, that hacker has me seeing gray. 139 00:06:11,263 --> 00:06:13,163 Red. It's red, Brian. 140 00:06:18,528 --> 00:06:20,120 Why are you so upset? 141 00:06:20,272 --> 00:06:21,880 You already canceled your credit card. 142 00:06:22,107 --> 00:06:24,107 This hacker is destroying my Instagram. 143 00:06:24,126 --> 00:06:25,291 I have a brand. 144 00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:27,293 Posting Steve Harvey stand-up jokes 145 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:29,462 is actually Steve Harvey's brand. 146 00:06:29,615 --> 00:06:31,706 I think you should just give your account to the hacker. 147 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,208 I mean, your Instagram wasn't setting the world on fire. 148 00:06:34,377 --> 00:06:36,469 And I suppose the hacker's posts are better? 149 00:06:36,622 --> 00:06:38,304 Look at this, it's just a half a bottle of vodka 150 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,715 that says, "Eto vodka-chas gde-to." 151 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,175 Brian, what does that even mean? 152 00:06:42,327 --> 00:06:44,236 Hit "See translation." 153 00:06:44,387 --> 00:06:46,238 "It's vodka o'clock somewhere." 154 00:06:46,389 --> 00:06:48,798 (laughing): Oh, that's very funny. That's very funny. 155 00:06:48,817 --> 00:06:50,800 You know, I've heard it's "wine o'clock," 156 00:06:50,819 --> 00:06:52,469 but I've never heard it with vodka. 157 00:06:52,487 --> 00:06:55,138 That's what... That's-that's whip smart is what that is. 158 00:06:55,231 --> 00:06:56,656 No! No, it's not! 159 00:06:56,808 --> 00:06:58,141 Stewie, I need to get my account back. 160 00:06:58,234 --> 00:07:01,161 I-I may have sent some weird DMs to Zendaya 161 00:07:01,313 --> 00:07:03,070 that I'd rather not see the light of day. 162 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,649 Euphoria Zendaya or Disney Zendaya? 163 00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:08,910 Yeah, a little from column A, a little from column B. 164 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,720 We need to get that account back. 165 00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:17,160 Lois Pewterschmidt, what a small world. 166 00:07:17,179 --> 00:07:18,845 Nice to see you, too. 167 00:07:18,997 --> 00:07:21,681 You have aged infuriatingly well. 168 00:07:21,833 --> 00:07:23,016 So, how did you two meet? 169 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,092 Did you both escape from the same sex cult? 170 00:07:25,187 --> 00:07:26,427 Sex cults sound terrible, 171 00:07:26,505 --> 00:07:28,280 but also, how do I get invited to one? 172 00:07:28,431 --> 00:07:29,781 -You tell it. -No, you tell it. 173 00:07:29,933 --> 00:07:30,857 No, you just tell it. 174 00:07:31,026 --> 00:07:32,934 -No, you. Fine, I'll go. -No, you, you go. 175 00:07:33,102 --> 00:07:34,101 (both laughing) 176 00:07:34,196 --> 00:07:35,528 Okay, Tinder. 177 00:07:35,681 --> 00:07:37,772 Huh, didn't really need that whole parade. 178 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,199 And how did you two meet? 179 00:07:39,367 --> 00:07:42,352 Lois was dating another guy, and I threatened to kill myself. 180 00:07:42,370 --> 00:07:44,612 Lois, remember you had that back brace 181 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,040 everyone said made you look like an ironing board in a sweater? 182 00:07:47,116 --> 00:07:49,526 (giggles) Say more stuff. 183 00:07:49,544 --> 00:07:51,970 You were a nerd? I thought you said you were a prom queen. 184 00:07:52,121 --> 00:07:53,972 Prawn Queen. 185 00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:55,215 She ate a lot of shellfish, 186 00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:56,533 and her back was curved liked a shrimp. 187 00:07:56,626 --> 00:07:58,977 (giggles) I've never meant this before, 188 00:07:59,204 --> 00:08:00,962 but we should do this again. 189 00:08:01,056 --> 00:08:02,797 Kids were so mean back then. 190 00:08:02,891 --> 00:08:05,225 Well, I barely remember those years. 191 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:07,635 Peter and I have three lovely kids. 192 00:08:07,729 --> 00:08:10,897 They're a lot happier since you're allowed to be fat now. 193 00:08:11,049 --> 00:08:14,141 Being a mom is the most fulfilling job in the world. 194 00:08:14,236 --> 00:08:16,161 Oh, do you have kids? 195 00:08:16,312 --> 00:08:17,570 Be careful how you answer this. 196 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:20,406 Oh, I wish I did, but after medical school, 197 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:23,484 then a four-year residency, a two-year specialty, 198 00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:26,229 three years in Central America with Doctors Without Borders... 199 00:08:26,248 --> 00:08:28,581 Okay. Well, I'm sure all those achievements 200 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,750 will come visit you when you're on your death bed. 201 00:08:30,902 --> 00:08:33,737 Excuse me, some of the other diners have complained 202 00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:35,514 that you're not talking loudly enough. 203 00:08:35,665 --> 00:08:38,241 They're loving these stories about how she was a nerd. 204 00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:41,244 It was "prawn queen"! Like the shrimp! 205 00:08:41,263 --> 00:08:43,480 MAN: Oh, that's even funnier! 206 00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:47,600 (chuckles) You know what? 207 00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,343 I feel sorry for Stephanie now. 208 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:52,255 Really? What part? The good skin or the great job? 209 00:08:52,274 --> 00:08:53,940 Oh, pfft. "Great job." 210 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,867 Anyone can be a doctor in Ecuador. 211 00:08:56,094 --> 00:08:57,277 You think they're checking diplomas? 212 00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:58,945 And she doesn't have any kids. 213 00:08:59,097 --> 00:09:01,264 Probably can't. You know why? GMOs. 214 00:09:01,357 --> 00:09:03,266 Just gonna run this light real quick. 215 00:09:03,359 --> 00:09:05,285 -(engine revs) -(horn honks) 216 00:09:05,437 --> 00:09:06,452 Settle down. 217 00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:08,380 I mean, I ate way better than she was eating. 218 00:09:08,531 --> 00:09:10,215 Did you see I ordered a salad? 219 00:09:10,366 --> 00:09:13,109 It was a wedge that was mostly bleu cheese and bacon. 220 00:09:13,128 --> 00:09:15,202 It was listed under "salad." 221 00:09:15,371 --> 00:09:17,797 But did you notice Stephanie ordered french fries? 222 00:09:17,949 --> 00:09:20,967 French fries, no kids, you do the math. 223 00:09:21,119 --> 00:09:24,104 Anyway, point is, I won dinner. 224 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,381 -(horn honks) -Settle down. 225 00:09:28,310 --> 00:09:31,127 I mean, you-you think I won dinner, right, Peter? 226 00:09:31,220 --> 00:09:33,313 Well, you did eat a lot faster than her. 227 00:09:33,389 --> 00:09:35,556 And-and now that I think about it, 228 00:09:35,576 --> 00:09:38,559 after she said I looked "good," she looked right at my hands. 229 00:09:38,728 --> 00:09:41,638 What does that mean? Age comes out in the hands, Peter. 230 00:09:41,656 --> 00:09:43,323 Maybe she's trying to figure out how old I am! 231 00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:45,232 Well, but she knows how old I am. 232 00:09:45,327 --> 00:09:48,110 (gasps) I bet she was judging my tiny wedding ring. 233 00:09:48,146 --> 00:09:49,921 Why was she looking at my hands, Peter?! 234 00:09:50,073 --> 00:09:51,756 I think your thumb was in the butter. 235 00:09:51,908 --> 00:09:53,258 But did she see that? 236 00:09:53,485 --> 00:09:54,834 I don't know, but nobody ate butter after that, 237 00:09:54,986 --> 00:09:56,519 so yeah, probably. 238 00:09:56,579 --> 00:09:59,672 I love that she had to ask what "caprese" was. 239 00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:01,341 What a dumb bitch. 240 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,343 What-What's going on with your face? 241 00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,920 (laughs): I don't know what you're talking about. 242 00:10:06,014 --> 00:10:08,589 Maybe-maybe it's a giant grin, huh? 243 00:10:08,683 --> 00:10:11,501 From having triumphed over my former bully! 244 00:10:12,504 --> 00:10:14,779 There's a rash forming on the back of your legs. 245 00:10:15,006 --> 00:10:16,114 What? There is? 246 00:10:16,265 --> 00:10:18,265 -(back cracks) -Ah! Son of a bitch! 247 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,101 Lois, what the hell's going on with you? 248 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,845 I don't know! 249 00:10:21,938 --> 00:10:23,363 I think seeing Stephanie brought back 250 00:10:23,515 --> 00:10:25,849 one of my old junior high school panic attacks. 251 00:10:25,942 --> 00:10:28,351 (gasping) Quick, I have to do the only thing 252 00:10:28,370 --> 00:10:29,794 that would calm me back then: 253 00:10:29,946 --> 00:10:32,856 lie in a dark room and try to blast Sarah McLachlan 254 00:10:32,874 --> 00:10:35,050 but accidentally play the wrong song. 255 00:10:36,194 --> 00:10:39,787 ♪ Everybody have fun tonight ♪ 256 00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:41,306 ♪ Everybody have... ♪ 257 00:10:41,416 --> 00:10:44,309 Oh, phew, Lois seems to be doing okay. 258 00:10:44,536 --> 00:10:47,795 ♪ Everybody Wang Chung tonight ♪ 259 00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:51,232 ♪ Everybody have fun tonight. ♪ 260 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:58,198 Have we ever been alone in a room together before? 261 00:11:00,068 --> 00:11:01,642 -So, Instagram update... -We're talking! 262 00:11:01,853 --> 00:11:03,144 The hacker contacted me. 263 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,071 He's demanding $10,000! 264 00:11:05,148 --> 00:11:06,981 I hear you're looking to kill somebody. 265 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,908 What? No. I'm just trying to find a guy 266 00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:10,226 who hacked my Instagram account. 267 00:11:10,245 --> 00:11:11,485 I can also help with that. 268 00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,838 I'm really good at finding cyberbullies. 269 00:11:14,065 --> 00:11:16,174 One time, I got an anonymous tweet telling me 270 00:11:16,401 --> 00:11:19,752 to go kill myself and I tracked the IP address to... 271 00:11:19,829 --> 00:11:20,845 -Chrissy Teigen. -Chrissy Teigen? 272 00:11:20,997 --> 00:11:22,755 Yeah, that's... It's kind of her thing. 273 00:11:23,758 --> 00:11:25,350 -I don't know how you're gonna find... -That's in Russia. 274 00:11:25,577 --> 00:11:27,519 (speaking Russian) 275 00:11:31,933 --> 00:11:33,340 How do you know how to speak Russian? 276 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,935 If you watch enough super dark videos on the Internet, 277 00:11:36,087 --> 00:11:37,511 eventually you're gonna learn Russian. 278 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:40,181 First, just the Russian words for "please don't kill me," 279 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,592 but it's amazing how those are really the building blocks 280 00:11:42,685 --> 00:11:44,035 of an entire language. 281 00:11:44,112 --> 00:11:46,262 -German's very similar. -And then I was able to make 282 00:11:46,355 --> 00:11:48,281 some friends in a Russian AOL chatroom. 283 00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:50,524 You've got a whole little life going on, huh? 284 00:11:50,618 --> 00:11:52,952 Can you figure out what city this hacker lives in? 285 00:11:53,029 --> 00:11:54,787 Okay, I'm thinking the big boys in Moscow 286 00:11:54,940 --> 00:11:56,289 are phishing in Europe. 287 00:11:56,441 --> 00:11:58,199 Russia has 11 time zones, so if we triangulate 288 00:11:58,293 --> 00:12:00,626 the activity through peak hours... 289 00:12:00,779 --> 00:12:01,945 Yup. Just what I thought. 290 00:12:01,963 --> 00:12:04,055 -Chelyabinsk. -That was fast. 291 00:12:05,283 --> 00:12:07,208 You got to move fast in this world, bro. 292 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,452 So, are we gonna go find this guy or what? 293 00:12:09,454 --> 00:12:11,429 All right, looks like we're going to Russia. 294 00:12:11,656 --> 00:12:14,399 Russia? We can't go there. They're at war with Ukraine! 295 00:12:14,626 --> 00:12:17,384 -They are? Whoa, crazy. -I say we do it. 296 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,404 We're really gonna go to a country at war, 297 00:12:19,631 --> 00:12:22,240 and we couldn't go to my business meeting on Fire Island? 298 00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:26,970 -What business meeting? -I sell bikini swimsuits for "men of size." 299 00:12:26,988 --> 00:12:28,913 -You mean fat guys? -No. 300 00:12:29,065 --> 00:12:31,124 (laughs): No, no, no, no, no, no. 301 00:12:42,003 --> 00:12:44,003 Are you here for business or displeasure? 302 00:12:44,172 --> 00:12:45,746 We're here to find the hacker that... 303 00:12:45,824 --> 00:12:47,265 Stole your Instagram, yes. 304 00:12:47,416 --> 00:12:49,826 Enjoy ten-square kilometer of country 305 00:12:49,995 --> 00:12:52,604 that don't make Geiger counter go "beep, beep, beep." 306 00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:54,439 -(beeping) -Hey! 307 00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:57,609 It's that way. 308 00:13:00,505 --> 00:13:03,356 And then Nurse Maguire gave everyone a valentine 309 00:13:03,508 --> 00:13:04,674 except for me. 310 00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:06,934 I want to be picked up now, Mom. 311 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,620 Fine, I'll see you at 4:00. 312 00:13:08,847 --> 00:13:10,346 -(phone beeps) -(sobs) 313 00:13:10,439 --> 00:13:12,849 -What do you want? -Dr. Hartman, 314 00:13:12,867 --> 00:13:14,292 I have no idea what's going on. 315 00:13:14,519 --> 00:13:17,111 I feel like I'm turning back into my old teenage self, 316 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,280 and there's nothing I can do about it. 317 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:22,058 I see. Did you recently run into an old bully 318 00:13:22,193 --> 00:13:24,027 or were you tagged in a very unflattering 319 00:13:24,045 --> 00:13:25,528 Throwback Thursday photo? 320 00:13:25,547 --> 00:13:29,215 I did. I ran into a girl who terrorized me in junior high 321 00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:31,884 and she used to call me Scoli-Lois. 322 00:13:32,053 --> 00:13:34,295 (laughs) Like "scoliosis." That's very good. 323 00:13:34,372 --> 00:13:36,372 I just learned what that is today, as a matter of fact. 324 00:13:36,391 --> 00:13:39,633 Dr. Hartman, what's happening to me? 325 00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,653 Well, Mrs. Griffin, I think you're suffering 326 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,546 from severe nerd damage. 327 00:13:43,639 --> 00:13:45,381 I am? What's that? 328 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,384 You see, all nerds are one tossed-off joke away 329 00:13:48,553 --> 00:13:51,312 from reverting to their worst, most humiliating selves. 330 00:13:51,406 --> 00:13:53,665 But I don't want to be a nerd forever. 331 00:13:53,741 --> 00:13:56,150 Tell you what, find the coolest guy in school 332 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,818 and give him a tug behind the bleachers. 333 00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:58,819 That usually solves it. 334 00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:00,338 Does that really work? 335 00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:01,914 I don't know. 336 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:04,567 Why don't we go find out. 337 00:14:04,586 --> 00:14:07,512 ♪ ♪ 338 00:14:14,429 --> 00:14:16,262 Hey, you guys, this is exciting. 339 00:14:16,414 --> 00:14:17,763 I'm reading about Chelyabinsk, 340 00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,173 and if it's not too much trouble, 341 00:14:19,267 --> 00:14:22,176 I'd love to swing by Kuznetsov's tea-packing factory. 342 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,270 It was built in 1898 343 00:14:24,422 --> 00:14:27,198 and briefly popularized the phrase "Have a cup of Kuz." 344 00:14:27,350 --> 00:14:29,425 -Yeah, I don't know. -Oh, you're no fun. 345 00:14:29,444 --> 00:14:30,684 Meg? Cup of Kuz? 346 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,095 Come on, we got to find this guy. 347 00:14:32,113 --> 00:14:34,113 Now, think like a hacker. Where would he be? 348 00:14:34,265 --> 00:14:37,292 Why don't we just follow this giant ethernet cable? 349 00:14:43,032 --> 00:14:45,199 Did you know Chelyabinsk is known 350 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,385 as "the Chicago of the Urals?" 351 00:14:47,462 --> 00:14:50,513 I'm-I'm, like, pinching myself, I'm that jazzed. 352 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,185 Let me handle this. 353 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,400 I sorry. I also conveniently speak a little English. 354 00:15:02,551 --> 00:15:05,311 Come in, I explain over cup of Kuz. 355 00:15:05,463 --> 00:15:08,981 Oh, jackpot! And you know they're gonna have good Kuz. 356 00:15:09,134 --> 00:15:11,300 First, I must know, is it true in America 357 00:15:11,394 --> 00:15:14,153 there's a man named Cedric who entertains? 358 00:15:14,305 --> 00:15:16,247 -Uh, yeah. -Wow. 359 00:15:16,399 --> 00:15:19,659 So, Brian Griffin, is this beautiful American wife? 360 00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:22,145 Me? No, I'm not married. 361 00:15:22,238 --> 00:15:24,255 You are like big beautiful nesting doll 362 00:15:24,407 --> 00:15:26,240 that holds other dolls inside. 363 00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:28,651 -You really mean that? -Da. 364 00:15:28,670 --> 00:15:30,319 You are the outside one 365 00:15:30,338 --> 00:15:32,413 because it has to fit all the other ones. 366 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:36,083 Aw, Meg, you're pretty in this very ugly country. 367 00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,603 Brian, I only stole account because it made me feel 368 00:15:38,830 --> 00:15:42,106 like I was living happy American life of big writer man. 369 00:15:42,258 --> 00:15:43,849 He has five followers. 370 00:15:44,002 --> 00:15:46,444 I have nobody and nothing to live for. 371 00:15:46,595 --> 00:15:48,020 Well, you have to have some family. 372 00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:49,505 No, they all burnt. 373 00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:51,190 At least you have a place to call home. 374 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:55,011 Nyet. My apartment also burnt. This temporary. 375 00:15:55,029 --> 00:15:58,181 I lived in puddle for while but sun dried up my house. 376 00:15:58,274 --> 00:16:01,459 I yell at sun, "Give it back!" But it never does. 377 00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:05,964 That is why every day I wake up and shoot single bullet at sun. 378 00:16:06,191 --> 00:16:08,691 That would actually make a good Instagram. 379 00:16:08,784 --> 00:16:10,693 Post that every day. 380 00:16:10,712 --> 00:16:11,877 What? It would. 381 00:16:12,046 --> 00:16:14,806 ♪ ♪ 382 00:16:15,033 --> 00:16:17,216 I don't understand why the man who can't go swimming 383 00:16:17,368 --> 00:16:18,493 has a pool party. 384 00:16:18,495 --> 00:16:21,295 Once the harness is fixed, I can be lowered. 385 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,706 Wasn't this a great idea of Stephanie's? 386 00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:26,042 After the dinner we had, she told me all about the fun 387 00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,727 you guys used to have at pool parties. 388 00:16:27,879 --> 00:16:30,046 Oh, okay, that's nice. 389 00:16:30,064 --> 00:16:31,881 Don't you think it's a little strange 390 00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:33,566 that Stephanie would want to have a pool party 391 00:16:33,718 --> 00:16:36,219 when that's the very place she humiliated me? 392 00:16:36,237 --> 00:16:38,387 I-I'm sorry, Lois. There's a guy here who's fatter than me, 393 00:16:38,406 --> 00:16:40,481 and I'm just checking out his front-meats. 394 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,666 (sighs) 395 00:16:42,894 --> 00:16:44,744 Hey, Lois. You're not going in? 396 00:16:44,896 --> 00:16:46,579 No, I'm covered in Differin gel. 397 00:16:46,731 --> 00:16:48,414 I can't go in the chlorine or the sun. 398 00:16:48,491 --> 00:16:50,341 -(grunts) -Oh, sorry, Lois. 399 00:16:50,493 --> 00:16:53,011 I thought you were the towel return bin. 400 00:16:53,162 --> 00:16:55,662 Well, if you need anything, I'll be over there 401 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,558 playing generic backyard party football with your husband. 402 00:17:00,428 --> 00:17:02,578 I can play, too. 403 00:17:02,671 --> 00:17:04,413 (grunts) 404 00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:06,582 As soon as I unclasp my hernia girdle. 405 00:17:06,751 --> 00:17:08,084 Aah! 406 00:17:08,102 --> 00:17:10,010 (gargling, gasping) 407 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,179 (coughing) 408 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,590 You pushed me! She pushed me! 409 00:17:14,683 --> 00:17:15,925 Lois, let me help. 410 00:17:15,943 --> 00:17:17,702 Oh, you can drop the act, Stephanie. 411 00:17:17,929 --> 00:17:20,371 You may have won everyone over, but you're nothing more 412 00:17:20,523 --> 00:17:21,873 than a mean girl and a bully, 413 00:17:22,024 --> 00:17:23,616 just like you were in junior high. 414 00:17:23,768 --> 00:17:27,712 But karma comes in many forms, including stretch marks. 415 00:17:27,863 --> 00:17:29,547 -We all see them! -I don't see them. 416 00:17:29,698 --> 00:17:31,716 BOTH: Above the knee on her left thigh. 417 00:17:31,867 --> 00:17:33,051 You pushed me now, 418 00:17:33,278 --> 00:17:35,278 just like you pushed me back in junior high. 419 00:17:35,296 --> 00:17:37,129 Lois, I never pushed you. 420 00:17:37,282 --> 00:17:38,890 I was trying to help you. 421 00:17:39,117 --> 00:17:41,392 I was always trying to help you. 422 00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,050 Hey, Lois, watch your step! 423 00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:52,070 -Your shoe's untied. -Aah! 424 00:17:54,148 --> 00:17:55,981 And what about just now? 425 00:17:56,134 --> 00:17:57,391 You got an excuse for that? 426 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:58,743 Well, yes. 427 00:17:58,970 --> 00:18:01,579 I was trying to catch a football thrown by your husband. 428 00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,155 I wasn't trying to complete the pass. 429 00:18:03,308 --> 00:18:04,640 I was just trying to show the other wives 430 00:18:04,733 --> 00:18:05,825 how far I can throw it. 431 00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,902 So, this whole time you never bullied me? 432 00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:12,148 No. I always admired how you persevered 433 00:18:12,241 --> 00:18:13,666 through all these burdens. 434 00:18:13,818 --> 00:18:16,243 In fact, you inspired me to start my own foundation 435 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,096 for kids with scoliosis. 436 00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:21,415 This year, we have 50 Scoli-Lois scholars. 437 00:18:21,509 --> 00:18:25,177 -Fifty? -Yes, all in your honor. 438 00:18:25,330 --> 00:18:28,106 Oh, I'm sorry, Stephanie. I-I guess I was wrong. 439 00:18:28,257 --> 00:18:31,925 All right! That means it's your turn to service me in bed. 440 00:18:32,003 --> 00:18:33,945 No, Peter, that's only when I'm wrong 441 00:18:34,096 --> 00:18:35,762 about something having to do with you. 442 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,764 Chris, don't let anyone touch my cake. 443 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,008 I'll be back in ten minutes. 444 00:18:39,026 --> 00:18:41,369 Hi, Lois' friends! 445 00:18:44,198 --> 00:18:45,790 Well, you ready to head home, Stewie? 446 00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,183 What's that, Brian? 447 00:18:47,201 --> 00:18:49,776 Sorry, I'm muling quite a bit of Kuz right now. 448 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,278 Where's your stuff? 449 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,614 Brian, we came here to find your account 450 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,783 but found something much more valuable: 451 00:18:56,952 --> 00:18:58,085 my happiness. 452 00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:00,120 Yeah, le-let me be the writer, Meg. 453 00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:01,864 I can't go back home. 454 00:19:01,883 --> 00:19:03,975 What? You're staying in Russia? 455 00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:06,719 This is a country where female body hair is encouraged, 456 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,555 where I can eat root vegetables straight from the ground 457 00:19:09,707 --> 00:19:12,892 without being placed under an involuntary psychiatric hold. 458 00:19:12,968 --> 00:19:15,561 Last night, when Ivan made love to me... 459 00:19:15,713 --> 00:19:16,545 -Aah, no, no, no. -Uh, please, please stop. 460 00:19:16,639 --> 00:19:17,638 -Nope, nope, nope. -Stop, stop. 461 00:19:17,732 --> 00:19:19,548 He said, (Russian accent): "Meg Griffin, 462 00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:21,993 you have strong haunches like horse." 463 00:19:22,144 --> 00:19:23,903 (regular accent): How sweet is that? 464 00:19:24,055 --> 00:19:26,146 I'm an eight in Russia, Brian. 465 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,648 I'm staying here. 466 00:19:27,742 --> 00:19:29,834 Well, okay. 467 00:19:30,061 --> 00:19:32,077 But we're truly gonna miss you. 468 00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:35,398 And if this really is the end of our time together, 469 00:19:35,416 --> 00:19:37,917 we probably ought to tally up expenses from the trip. 470 00:19:38,069 --> 00:19:40,419 Oh, um, okay. 471 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,346 Yeah, I bought that magazine at the airport, 472 00:19:42,498 --> 00:19:44,256 so let's put that in the "group" column. 473 00:19:44,409 --> 00:19:46,017 -Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. -Yeah, no, 474 00:19:46,093 --> 00:19:48,168 airport purchases, we said, were all together. 475 00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:49,169 You're the only one who read that. 476 00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,429 It goes in the "Brian" column. 477 00:19:50,581 --> 00:19:52,356 You read the cover. You commented on it. 478 00:19:52,583 --> 00:19:55,100 All I said was, "When did Miles Teller get so jacked?" 479 00:19:55,253 --> 00:19:57,010 -Yeah. That's reading. -That's not reading. 480 00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:59,088 That's just looking at a picture and commenting. 481 00:19:59,181 --> 00:20:00,773 So you're saying the words "Miles Teller" 482 00:20:00,925 --> 00:20:02,015 were not on the cover? 483 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,776 Oh, okay, well, when I bought my Clif Bar, 484 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,871 you said, "Mmm, peanut butter and chocolate, looks good." 485 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,098 Sounds like a group expense to me. 486 00:20:09,116 --> 00:20:10,616 No way. Meg, wouldn't you call that a personal... 487 00:20:10,768 --> 00:20:12,710 -Uhp, she's gone. -Yep. 488 00:20:12,861 --> 00:20:14,545 Guess we're covering her neck pillow, huh? 489 00:20:20,369 --> 00:20:23,054 Oh, gang, we got another postcard from Meg. 490 00:20:23,205 --> 00:20:25,205 "Dear Mom and Dad, 491 00:20:25,332 --> 00:20:27,874 "I've contracted rinderpest, 492 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:30,135 "also known as cattle plague, 493 00:20:30,288 --> 00:20:32,471 "which has been eradicated from most of the world, 494 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,306 "except from here. 495 00:20:34,459 --> 00:20:36,959 They say I'm a local now, ha-ha." 496 00:20:37,052 --> 00:20:39,237 Aw, I'm just glad she's having fun. 497 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,721 Yeah, and thank God 498 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,907 everything worked out between me and Stephanie, 499 00:20:43,058 --> 00:20:45,910 so I can finally put all that middle school baggage behind me. 500 00:20:46,137 --> 00:20:47,411 And maybe I can start putting 501 00:20:47,488 --> 00:20:49,730 some of my other baggage behind me. 502 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,065 Peter, we need to talk. 503 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,476 I think this relationship has... 504 00:20:53,569 --> 00:20:55,978 If you leave me I will kill myself. 505 00:20:55,997 --> 00:20:57,463 (sighs) 506 00:20:58,833 --> 00:21:00,591 I love us.