1 00:00:02,411 --> 00:00:04,728 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,747 --> 00:00:07,673 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:11,418 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,421 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:18,017 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,168 --> 00:00:21,336 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,004 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:24,189 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:30,154 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:36,443 Hi, honey, how was school today? 11 00:00:36,595 --> 00:00:39,279 Well, the metal detectors were down, so the popular kids 12 00:00:39,431 --> 00:00:41,874 were all on edge all day, so that was kind of fun. 13 00:00:42,025 --> 00:00:43,876 Oh, and we also got our yearbooks. 14 00:00:44,027 --> 00:00:45,527 Ooh, let me see. 15 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:49,106 I love seeing what my handsome boy's been up to all year. 16 00:00:49,124 --> 00:00:53,034 Oh, there's the student council, and the cheerleaders. 17 00:00:53,128 --> 00:00:55,703 Peter, w-why is there a photo of you in here? 18 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,281 I'm in the Peter club. 19 00:00:57,283 --> 00:00:59,633 It's just me and this guy Jason who joined as a joke. 20 00:00:59,802 --> 00:01:02,227 Jason's, like, hilarious. 21 00:01:02,379 --> 00:01:04,805 Wait a minute. Chris, there's no pictures of you. 22 00:01:04,957 --> 00:01:06,398 Huh, I guess not. 23 00:01:06,550 --> 00:01:07,808 Chris, honey, I keep telling you, 24 00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:11,386 you need to get involved in extracurricular activities. 25 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:12,905 Otherwise you won't get into college, 26 00:01:13,056 --> 00:01:14,573 and you'll end up a garbageman 27 00:01:14,724 --> 00:01:16,650 or a congresswoman from Colorado. 28 00:01:16,802 --> 00:01:20,137 Okay, okay, fine. I'll look for a club tomorrow. 29 00:01:20,155 --> 00:01:22,322 Your mom's right, Chris. You got to get into college. 30 00:01:22,474 --> 00:01:23,974 Mostly so you can constantly 31 00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:26,418 jam into conversation where you went. 32 00:01:26,570 --> 00:01:28,754 Have you been to that new restaurant, Kristof's, downtown? 33 00:01:28,981 --> 00:01:31,256 -It's amazing. -No, but that reminds me 34 00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:33,150 of when I was at school in Cambridge. 35 00:01:33,243 --> 00:01:34,668 Oh, you went to Harvard? 36 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:38,430 No, the Cambridge Technical College for Dullards and Mutes. 37 00:01:38,657 --> 00:01:42,226 Not to brag, but there are commercials for it on TV. 38 00:01:46,498 --> 00:01:49,942 Because it's embarrassing to see you in jeans at church. 39 00:01:50,018 --> 00:01:51,593 That's why. 40 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,687 Yeah, I'm sure it was fine back home in Tampa. 41 00:01:53,839 --> 00:01:55,021 Now hold still. 42 00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:57,357 Hey, Brian, could you drive me to Joann Fabrics? 43 00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:00,768 I'm gonna put in some elastic 'cause I've learned my lesson. 44 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,362 Sure, just got to stop at the bank. 45 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,030 Still getting my accounts sorted out 46 00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:05,349 after that Russian hacker thing. 47 00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:07,184 Ah, yes, that Ivan fellow. 48 00:02:07,202 --> 00:02:09,519 I can't believe Meg stayed behind to be with him. 49 00:02:09,538 --> 00:02:11,204 Well, they seemed pretty happy together. 50 00:02:11,357 --> 00:02:13,874 Still, it's got to be hard leaving your whole life behind 51 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,026 and adapting to a foreign culture. 52 00:02:16,044 --> 00:02:17,694 I wonder how she's doing. 53 00:02:17,713 --> 00:02:19,721 ♪ ♪ 54 00:02:24,703 --> 00:02:28,689 ♪ This old town, this old crumbling village ♪ 55 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,151 ♪ Cold and grey ♪ 56 00:02:32,378 --> 00:02:35,821 ♪ Like the town next door ♪ 57 00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:37,881 ♪ It's so bleak ♪ 58 00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:41,809 ♪ But to me, it's perfect ♪ 59 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:46,239 ♪ Especially when we say ♪ 60 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,483 ♪ Privyet, privyet ♪ 61 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,744 ♪ Privyet, privyet, privyet ♪ 62 00:02:50,896 --> 00:02:52,746 ♪ There goes the onion man ♪ 63 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,731 ♪ He smells like heaven ♪ 64 00:02:54,824 --> 00:02:59,011 ♪ Already drunk at 9:15 ♪ 65 00:02:59,162 --> 00:03:01,087 ♪ Though the air is bitter cold ♪ 66 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,089 ♪ And I'm constantly patrolled ♪ 67 00:03:03,166 --> 00:03:07,502 ♪ I've never felt so much at home... ♪ 68 00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,731 -Privyet. -Have a great day at work, space dog. 69 00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:13,417 ♪ There goes that Meg ♪ 70 00:03:13,510 --> 00:03:15,435 ♪ She is so dense and sturdy ♪ 71 00:03:15,587 --> 00:03:19,773 ♪ Pumped up for winter like a seal ♪ 72 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,849 ♪ And she's only just 18 ♪ 73 00:03:21,944 --> 00:03:23,869 ♪ The exact same age as me ♪ 74 00:03:24,020 --> 00:03:26,096 ♪ So pale and plain and homely ♪ 75 00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:29,208 ♪ That's our Meg ♪ 76 00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:35,956 ♪ Now after 50 hours on Spirit Airlines ♪ 77 00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:39,367 ♪ I've found a place where I belong ♪ 78 00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,536 ♪ With a man who's oh, so sweet ♪ 79 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,947 ♪ And all the turnips I can eat ♪ 80 00:03:43,966 --> 00:03:47,951 ♪ What more can I ask ♪ 81 00:03:47,970 --> 00:03:50,562 ♪ For? ♪ 82 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,291 (screams) 83 00:03:54,460 --> 00:03:56,526 -(alarm blaring) -(siren wailing) 84 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,910 All right, I got to get Mom off my back. 85 00:04:05,061 --> 00:04:06,486 There's got to be an extracurricular 86 00:04:06,638 --> 00:04:08,247 for me somewhere. 87 00:04:08,398 --> 00:04:11,157 -Hey, can I join your club? -That depends. 88 00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:12,642 Can you uplift your fellow students 89 00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:15,069 through the eloquent art of public speaking? 90 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,830 I'll give it my best shot. 91 00:04:16,982 --> 00:04:22,511 (bleep), (bleep) for sure, and (bleep) most of all, Kelvin. 92 00:04:25,824 --> 00:04:27,432 Uh, I'm not too good at sports. 93 00:04:27,584 --> 00:04:29,676 You sure I can be on the lacrosse team? 94 00:04:29,828 --> 00:04:31,252 Absolutely, Chris. 95 00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:33,087 We think you'd make a great defendant. 96 00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:36,024 -You mean defender? -No. 97 00:04:41,006 --> 00:04:43,615 -We're full. -Wait, your name's not Peter. 98 00:04:43,692 --> 00:04:46,118 That's Jason. He's, like, hilarious. 99 00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:49,346 So I don't have to be a Peter to join? 100 00:04:49,439 --> 00:04:50,539 We're full. 101 00:04:55,037 --> 00:04:57,629 How was day working at bot farm, my love? 102 00:04:57,856 --> 00:04:59,113 It was great. 103 00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,632 I convinced a Facebook mommy group 104 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,025 that diapers cause autism. 105 00:05:02,118 --> 00:05:05,262 Ooh, then we had a big catered lunch. See? 106 00:05:06,623 --> 00:05:09,957 Ah, my darling has appetite of Siberian walrus. 107 00:05:10,035 --> 00:05:12,385 And is just as fragrant. 108 00:05:12,538 --> 00:05:14,813 (slobbering) 109 00:05:14,964 --> 00:05:18,224 You rest, milaya. I'll go make tea. 110 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,694 Man, I miss American food. 111 00:05:22,564 --> 00:05:25,231 "Beets are fine, but every once in a while, 112 00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:27,567 "I sure could go for a good old-fashioned 113 00:05:27,719 --> 00:05:29,569 American cheeseburger." 114 00:05:29,721 --> 00:05:30,996 (phone whooshes) 115 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,126 Bozhe moi, what happen? 116 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,246 (tires screech) 117 00:05:40,399 --> 00:05:41,989 AGENT: President Putin will not tolerate 118 00:05:42,084 --> 00:05:44,826 (distant): even the mildest of criticism. 119 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,345 You need to drive slower, man. 120 00:05:46,572 --> 00:05:48,572 I don't think he heard the end of my threat. 121 00:05:48,590 --> 00:05:51,183 Uh, well, maybe your threat should be more succinct. 122 00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:54,077 Well, maybe you should call our boss "papa" again. 123 00:05:54,096 --> 00:05:56,462 It was mistake. One time. 124 00:05:56,598 --> 00:05:58,565 One time I do this. 125 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,029 LOIS: Chris? Did you find an after-school activity yet? 126 00:06:04,256 --> 00:06:05,922 Working on it, Mom. 127 00:06:06,015 --> 00:06:09,534 "In conclusion, municipal zoning laws have ultimately hurt 128 00:06:09,686 --> 00:06:11,778 the very people they're intended to help." 129 00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:13,372 And send. 130 00:06:13,523 --> 00:06:15,707 Gosh, who knew there was so much civil discourse 131 00:06:15,859 --> 00:06:17,876 in the Pornhub comments section? 132 00:06:18,027 --> 00:06:20,045 All right, back to business. 133 00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:23,882 Hmm. This one's just called "Sex in a School." 134 00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:26,793 (porn music playing) 135 00:06:26,945 --> 00:06:28,053 Whoa, that's crazy. 136 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,389 This set looks just like my homeroom. 137 00:06:32,784 --> 00:06:35,785 Huh, the porn school has a Chris Griffin, too? 138 00:06:35,879 --> 00:06:37,712 It's so immersive. 139 00:06:37,806 --> 00:06:39,564 Wait a minute. 140 00:06:44,796 --> 00:06:46,980 Is this my school? 141 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,798 SHEPHERD (over video): Attention, naughty students. 142 00:06:48,817 --> 00:06:50,817 Ass is now in session. 143 00:06:50,969 --> 00:06:54,413 Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd's making porn at school. 144 00:06:54,564 --> 00:06:56,248 Hey, I'm gonna shut this door real quick. 145 00:06:56,399 --> 00:06:58,917 Rupert's pants came back and he doesn't fit into them, 146 00:06:59,068 --> 00:07:01,253 so, so we're having a thing. 147 00:07:07,836 --> 00:07:09,335 Oh, you know what, guys? 148 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:12,172 I think some of these letters are, like, numbers. 149 00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:13,990 (sighs) We got to start over. 150 00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:16,159 Chris, can you erase the boards for me? 151 00:07:16,178 --> 00:07:19,086 -Kiss my shorts. -(all gasp) 152 00:07:19,181 --> 00:07:21,014 Chris, I hear you've been acting up in class 153 00:07:21,166 --> 00:07:23,500 and carelessly misquoting The Simpsons. 154 00:07:23,502 --> 00:07:26,761 Yeah, well, don't have a moo, man. 155 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,780 (gasps) The slacker's position. 156 00:07:28,932 --> 00:07:31,841 Young man, in this school, furniture has rules. 157 00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:35,361 Well, guess what? I'm gonna do whatever I want around here, 158 00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:37,847 and there's nothing you can do about it. 159 00:07:37,941 --> 00:07:39,849 Oh, really? And why is that? 160 00:07:39,868 --> 00:07:43,186 'Cause I know you've been making porn in the school. 161 00:07:43,188 --> 00:07:45,112 I... You can't prove that. 162 00:07:45,190 --> 00:07:47,207 I heard your voice on one of the videos. 163 00:07:47,359 --> 00:07:49,784 (sighs) All right, you caught me. 164 00:07:49,861 --> 00:07:53,363 You see, Chris, we educators don't make a lot of money. 165 00:07:53,456 --> 00:07:56,049 So, once I saw I had the classrooms at my disposal, 166 00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:57,550 plus all the school A/V equipment, 167 00:07:57,703 --> 00:08:00,537 I realized I was only a box of wet naps away 168 00:08:00,555 --> 00:08:03,482 from becoming a pornographer, so I gave it a shot. 169 00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:06,968 Hamilton tells me you're not supposed to throw those away. 170 00:08:07,136 --> 00:08:09,896 Well, it doesn't matter. I'm not making any money. 171 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,157 My videos hardly get any views. 172 00:08:12,308 --> 00:08:15,309 I think it's time for me to throw in the sticky towel. 173 00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:18,479 Wow, that's a pretty sad story, Principal Shepherd. 174 00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:21,057 But you want to know the saddest part of all? 175 00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:22,984 Your porn sucks, bro. 176 00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:24,836 What? What are you talking about? 177 00:08:25,029 --> 00:08:26,746 Well, let's start with the titles. 178 00:08:26,898 --> 00:08:31,084 Who calls their porno "Man and Woman Having Standard Sex"? 179 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,419 You got to work the algorithm, man. 180 00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,014 You need keywords like "stepsister," 181 00:08:36,165 --> 00:08:38,091 "stepbrother," "stepmom." 182 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:41,019 Just put "step" and a noun and it should work. 183 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:44,414 Even "stepladder" is getting traction these days. 184 00:08:44,432 --> 00:08:46,173 You know, if you want to make this thing work 185 00:08:46,268 --> 00:08:48,843 and start making money, I can help you out. 186 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,529 You want to help me? 187 00:08:50,756 --> 00:08:52,272 Actually, I think we can help each other. 188 00:08:52,424 --> 00:08:53,848 You need help with this thing, 189 00:08:53,942 --> 00:08:57,260 I need an after-school activity so my mom gets off my back, 190 00:08:57,262 --> 00:08:59,262 and I think I just found it. 191 00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:03,283 I'm the newest member of the porn club. 192 00:09:03,435 --> 00:09:05,860 -All right, deal. -Awesome. 193 00:09:05,937 --> 00:09:10,131 I feel like I've finally found my calling, like Steve Martin. 194 00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:12,108 I've got it. 195 00:09:12,201 --> 00:09:14,035 I'll do five years of entertainment, 196 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:16,704 then 40 years of banjo. 197 00:09:16,798 --> 00:09:19,115 -(phone ringing) -Hello? 198 00:09:19,134 --> 00:09:22,209 No, I don't want ten million dollars for a movie. 199 00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:25,063 Call back when you've got 14 banjo fans 200 00:09:25,214 --> 00:09:27,807 in your city's worst theater. 201 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,718 (playing upbeat melody) 202 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:31,811 WOMAN: Honey? 203 00:09:31,963 --> 00:09:34,889 Could you shut the door? 204 00:09:34,983 --> 00:09:37,409 Honey, shut the door. 205 00:09:41,823 --> 00:09:43,915 (groans) Ivan. 206 00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:45,250 W-What happened? 207 00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:47,419 Everyone here was silenced by state 208 00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:49,421 for careless social media post. 209 00:09:49,572 --> 00:09:51,981 You mean that thing I said about beets for lu... 210 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,240 (shushes) Quiet. 211 00:09:53,409 --> 00:09:54,909 Government is very strict 212 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,320 about criticism of Russian way of life. 213 00:09:57,413 --> 00:10:01,683 Is true. You see, President Putin can be very sensitive... 214 00:10:02,677 --> 00:10:04,677 Meg, I am so happy you okay. 215 00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:06,496 I stayed by your side all night. 216 00:10:06,514 --> 00:10:09,182 Oh, thank you for being so good to me. 217 00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:11,926 God, this hospital bill is gonna be a fortune. 218 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,336 What? Is free. 219 00:10:13,338 --> 00:10:14,671 Even in Russia, 220 00:10:14,764 --> 00:10:17,282 health care is basic human right covered by government. 221 00:10:17,509 --> 00:10:21,527 Surely is same in very wealthy, superior United States? 222 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,813 Well... 223 00:10:23,865 --> 00:10:29,294 ♪ God bless America ♪ 224 00:10:29,521 --> 00:10:36,384 ♪ My home sweet home... ♪ 225 00:10:39,622 --> 00:10:41,214 Lunch lady porn? 226 00:10:41,366 --> 00:10:42,957 Is this really something people want to see? 227 00:10:43,051 --> 00:10:46,311 Oh, yeah, it has a very dedicated fan base. 228 00:10:46,462 --> 00:10:48,647 Plus, the actors don't even have to be attractive. 229 00:10:48,874 --> 00:10:51,040 (chuckles): You ever see a hot lunch lady? 230 00:10:51,134 --> 00:10:53,801 No. It ruins the fantasy. 231 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,803 Ready when you are, Mr. G. 232 00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,489 All right, places. 233 00:10:57,716 --> 00:11:00,550 "Sloppy Hoes," scene one, take one. Mark. 234 00:11:00,568 --> 00:11:02,385 Tarps up. 235 00:11:02,404 --> 00:11:03,736 And action. 236 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,146 (porn music plays) 237 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:08,558 Cut. Get that cigarette out of the shot. 238 00:11:08,727 --> 00:11:10,669 Kids are gonna watch this. 239 00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:14,914 I got to hand it to you, Chris, 240 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,583 our videos have been quite a success. 241 00:11:17,736 --> 00:11:19,585 I haven't felt this kind of financial security 242 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,922 since I found 20 bucks in one of the lost-and-found jackets. 243 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,832 In fact, I took the liberty of buying us 244 00:11:24,926 --> 00:11:26,518 a little something to celebrate. 245 00:11:26,669 --> 00:11:27,911 Come on. 246 00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:30,522 -Wow, is that... -That's right. 247 00:11:30,673 --> 00:11:32,765 The 1992 Toyota Cressida. 248 00:11:32,918 --> 00:11:34,584 The ultimate principal dream car. 249 00:11:34,602 --> 00:11:37,344 Shallot purple with a beige interior. 250 00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:40,440 -And there's one for each of us. -Gosh, really? 251 00:11:40,592 --> 00:11:43,609 No one's ever given me anything this nice before. 252 00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:44,852 Well, you earned it. 253 00:11:44,946 --> 00:11:46,353 Turns out, you just needed 254 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,206 to find something you could excel at. 255 00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:49,824 Thanks, Principal Shepherd. 256 00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:52,693 Say, how about we drive these babies down to Chipotle 257 00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:55,104 and order guac like big shots? 258 00:11:55,123 --> 00:11:56,864 I saw Elon Musk do that once. 259 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,624 Was it after his hair transplant? 260 00:11:58,777 --> 00:12:02,637 After one of his two separate hair transplants, yes. 261 00:12:05,875 --> 00:12:09,728 Aw. It was so sweet of you to plan this picnic, Ivan. 262 00:12:09,879 --> 00:12:11,637 But why are we in a cemetery? 263 00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:16,401 Meg, I brings you here because cemetery is very special place. 264 00:12:16,628 --> 00:12:19,988 It is here where you can finally meet my parents. 265 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,149 Your parents are dead? 266 00:12:23,226 --> 00:12:25,243 Oh, Ivan, I'm so sorry. 267 00:12:25,394 --> 00:12:29,322 It's okay. They died peacefully being ripped apart by dogs. 268 00:12:29,491 --> 00:12:33,159 Meg, when you were in hospital, I was so afraid to lose you. 269 00:12:33,311 --> 00:12:37,238 And in that moment, I realized I never want us to be apart. 270 00:12:37,332 --> 00:12:40,759 -Meg, will you marry me? -(gasps) 271 00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,076 I do not have much to give, 272 00:12:42,245 --> 00:12:44,971 but I do have mother's engagement ring. 273 00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:49,659 What do you say, Meg? 274 00:12:49,752 --> 00:12:52,178 Will you make me happiest man in all of Russia? 275 00:12:52,330 --> 00:12:54,439 Which is admittedly a very low bar? 276 00:12:54,590 --> 00:12:57,258 Oh, Ivan. Yes, yes, yes. 277 00:12:57,335 --> 00:12:59,669 Then come with me and let's take brown clothes, 278 00:12:59,762 --> 00:13:01,613 not-smiling engagement photo. 279 00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:03,114 -(camera shutter clicks) -I cannot wait 280 00:13:03,341 --> 00:13:07,452 to etch this picture of you into hideous black gravestone. 281 00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:11,197 Which background you want? Frozen tundra or leaky reactor? 282 00:13:11,349 --> 00:13:13,016 -Oh, oh, reactor, please. -Reactor, please. 283 00:13:13,018 --> 00:13:16,544 Don't know why I offer tundra. Nobody choose. 284 00:13:19,115 --> 00:13:20,857 Hey, where are you going? 285 00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:22,208 Dinner's gonna be ready any minute. 286 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,377 Oh, I-I have to get to school. 287 00:13:24,529 --> 00:13:27,547 I have to meet up with the, uh, uh, debate club. 288 00:13:27,699 --> 00:13:29,123 At 8:00 p.m.? 289 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,367 Yeah, there was a whole debate about it. 290 00:13:31,369 --> 00:13:34,220 Well I am so glad you finally found an extracurricular. 291 00:13:34,372 --> 00:13:36,314 This is gonna look great on your college résumé. 292 00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:38,708 And maybe you'll make some new friends. 293 00:13:38,726 --> 00:13:40,968 I am so proud of you. 294 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,880 -No, you're not. -What? Of course I am. 295 00:13:43,898 --> 00:13:46,883 Ah, gotcha. You got debated. 296 00:13:46,901 --> 00:13:49,235 Oh, so advanced already. 297 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,071 (laughs): Okay, have fun. 298 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,073 ANNOUNCER: Family Guy is brought to you 299 00:13:54,225 --> 00:13:56,650 by the not-new Toyota Cressida. 300 00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,336 With more back seat Diet Pepsi can storage 301 00:13:58,563 --> 00:14:00,821 than any other car in its class. 302 00:14:00,948 --> 00:14:02,248 When you hear the call of adventure, 303 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,510 let your Cressida drive you the other way. 304 00:14:05,661 --> 00:14:07,086 The Toyota Cressida. 305 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,738 You'll pick up that french fry next to the brake 306 00:14:08,831 --> 00:14:10,640 when you're good and ready. 307 00:14:15,413 --> 00:14:17,689 Chris? Are you in here, sweetie? 308 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,248 I brought your favorite: 309 00:14:19,250 --> 00:14:21,508 spaghetti with butter and nothing else. 310 00:14:21,677 --> 00:14:23,936 I'm told it's a sign of a developmental disorder, 311 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,105 but I'm not ready to confront that yet. 312 00:14:26,257 --> 00:14:28,366 -(porn music playing) -Chris? 313 00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,035 Cut. Okay, Klaara? 314 00:14:31,262 --> 00:14:33,354 Klaara, honey, um, before this next take, 315 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:37,600 can you move your baby or get him to stop crying? 316 00:14:37,693 --> 00:14:39,026 There's my handsome boy. 317 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,362 Mom? What are you doing here? 318 00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,623 Well, I didn't want you doing argument-sports 319 00:14:43,775 --> 00:14:45,699 on an empty stomach, so I... 320 00:14:45,793 --> 00:14:48,127 Wait, this is the debate club? 321 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,129 W-What's with all the lights and the cameras? 322 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,539 A-Are you guys making a movie? 323 00:14:52,634 --> 00:14:53,975 Um... 324 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,802 (speaking inaudibly) 325 00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,253 LOIS: Crocs and Arby's? 326 00:14:58,255 --> 00:15:00,881 Oh, my God. You're making porn. 327 00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:03,050 ANNOUNCER: Arby's. We don't judge. 328 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:05,111 We just hand out shaved meats. 329 00:15:10,969 --> 00:15:12,468 I don't believe this. 330 00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:16,139 Chris, you lied to me. And for something so disgusting. 331 00:15:16,232 --> 00:15:17,749 Mom, I-I can explain. 332 00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:19,751 Oh, and on school grounds, no less. 333 00:15:19,902 --> 00:15:22,754 Just you wait until Principal Shepherd hears about this. 334 00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:24,163 Well, CVS didn't have any towels, 335 00:15:24,315 --> 00:15:25,498 so follow me to the science lab 336 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,484 and I'll show you where the eye-wash stations are. 337 00:15:28,503 --> 00:15:30,244 -Mrs. Griffin? -Principal Shepherd, 338 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,171 are you in on this, too? 339 00:15:32,323 --> 00:15:35,158 Certainly not. I have no idea what's going on here. 340 00:15:35,251 --> 00:15:37,268 Principal Shepherd, Starla is officially a no-show, 341 00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:39,270 so the nine-some is now an eight-some. 342 00:15:39,422 --> 00:15:41,180 All right, put her per diem back in petty cash, 343 00:15:41,332 --> 00:15:43,441 tell Sue Ann in makeup it's her lucky day, 344 00:15:43,668 --> 00:15:45,668 tell lighting it's legs up in five, 345 00:15:45,761 --> 00:15:47,428 and let's shoot this thing. 346 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,739 I mean, what? 347 00:15:52,694 --> 00:15:56,028 We begin with a reading from the Russian Orthodox Bible. 348 00:15:56,181 --> 00:15:58,014 And Jesus said to Mikhail, 349 00:15:58,032 --> 00:16:00,549 "The radio you sold me last week does not work." 350 00:16:00,609 --> 00:16:02,609 Mikhail said to Him, "How do I know 351 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,446 you didn't break it on purpose to get your money back?" 352 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,781 Then they got in a fistfight on the bus. 353 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,525 -Amen. -BOTH: Amen. 354 00:16:09,618 --> 00:16:12,453 I now pronounce Ukraine actually part of Russia, 355 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,214 and I also pronounce you husband and wife. 356 00:16:15,366 --> 00:16:17,642 You may share a joyless kiss. 357 00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:24,857 (audience shouting) 358 00:16:25,043 --> 00:16:26,467 This is an outrage. 359 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,894 Porn doesn't belong in school, it belongs on public trains. 360 00:16:29,047 --> 00:16:30,880 I guess if I don't bring brownies, nobody does. 361 00:16:30,973 --> 00:16:32,732 Please, everyone, not all at once. 362 00:16:32,884 --> 00:16:36,552 Is there an Alpha Karen who can speak for all of you? 363 00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:39,330 First of all, I want you to know I'm filming this. 364 00:16:39,482 --> 00:16:43,059 Second of all, I'm gonna get really angry really fast 365 00:16:43,077 --> 00:16:44,168 for no reason. 366 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,912 Listen, folks, I-I can explain. 367 00:16:47,081 --> 00:16:48,247 What is there to explain? 368 00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:49,749 That you've been using our children's school 369 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,083 to make pornography? 370 00:16:51,236 --> 00:16:53,511 That-that you took advantage of my son? 371 00:16:53,696 --> 00:16:54,828 (overlapping chatter) 372 00:16:54,922 --> 00:16:56,255 This is getting away from me. 373 00:16:56,407 --> 00:16:57,865 Maybe I can filibuster this 374 00:16:57,925 --> 00:17:01,244 by reading the owner's manual for my Toyota Cressida. 375 00:17:01,262 --> 00:17:04,413 "Dear consumer, making cars is really hard. 376 00:17:04,507 --> 00:17:07,750 There are so many parts, you guys." 377 00:17:07,769 --> 00:17:10,153 (indistinct shouting) 378 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,924 Wait. Everybody, wait a minute. 379 00:17:14,942 --> 00:17:17,201 That's the boy who was talking to an owl outside. 380 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,928 Let him speak. 381 00:17:18,946 --> 00:17:21,355 Look, Principal Shepherd may have made some bad decisions, 382 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,266 but he didn't do it for himself. 383 00:17:23,284 --> 00:17:26,193 It was all to raise money for the school. 384 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,272 Oh, is-is that true, Principal Shepherd? 385 00:17:29,290 --> 00:17:30,289 Um... 386 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,366 -Well, I-I... -Of course it's true. 387 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:35,111 Every year they slash the school budget, 388 00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:36,462 and this man did what he had to do 389 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,872 to give us the education we deserve. 390 00:17:38,966 --> 00:17:40,892 You know the reading specialist we have? 391 00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:43,636 Paid for by a "Das Boot." 392 00:17:43,805 --> 00:17:45,471 What's a "Das Boot"? 393 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,714 That's when a whole bunch of German men 394 00:17:47,809 --> 00:17:49,442 go down at the same time. 395 00:17:51,479 --> 00:17:52,645 He's right, everyone. 396 00:17:52,797 --> 00:17:54,797 With all those budget cuts, I had no choice. 397 00:17:54,890 --> 00:17:58,392 It was either make porn, or pass a modest tax increase 398 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,745 on the wealthiest citizens of Quahog. 399 00:18:00,896 --> 00:18:02,822 A tax hike that'll affect none of us? 400 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,824 That's the last thing we want. 401 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:07,085 -Meeting adjourned. -(indistinct chatter) 402 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,403 Chris, that was some quick thinking back there. 403 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,164 You saved my career. Thank you. 404 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,740 Hold it right there, Principal Shepherd. 405 00:18:13,835 --> 00:18:15,835 Now, I appreciate that you were trying to help out the school, 406 00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:19,079 but how could you get my son involved in something like this? 407 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,748 -You've corrupted him. -"Corrupted"? 408 00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:24,510 This was the best thing that ever happened to me. 409 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,086 See, before we started making porn, 410 00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:27,438 I didn't care about anything 411 00:18:27,590 --> 00:18:29,273 because I wasn't good at anything. 412 00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:32,835 But now, I'm using skills I never knew I had. 413 00:18:32,854 --> 00:18:36,839 I'm writing scripts, making schedules and balancing budgets. 414 00:18:36,858 --> 00:18:39,933 And it's all thanks to Principal Shepherd. 415 00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:42,620 ♪ ♪ 416 00:18:42,771 --> 00:18:44,380 I never thought of it that way. 417 00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:48,108 I-I guess you did learn some valuable life skills. 418 00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:50,944 Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry I got mad, honey. 419 00:18:51,113 --> 00:18:52,779 I just wanted to protect you. 420 00:18:52,874 --> 00:18:55,024 That's okay, Mom. I get it. 421 00:18:55,117 --> 00:18:58,527 -But no more making porn. -Deal. 422 00:18:58,546 --> 00:19:02,122 Redheaded MILF packs a very naughty lunch box? 423 00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:03,957 Dude, that's my mom. 424 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,310 It's usually someone's mom, Chris. 425 00:19:13,636 --> 00:19:17,213 Well, I managed to upgrade us to president-for-life suite. 426 00:19:17,348 --> 00:19:18,990 Window is so big, you could shove 427 00:19:19,141 --> 00:19:22,994 six, seven journalists out all at once. 428 00:19:23,221 --> 00:19:26,389 Are you okay, Meg? You barely touched your kvass. 429 00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:28,332 What's the matter, not enough raisins? 430 00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:31,076 Perhaps you miss your family, no? 431 00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,396 Yeah. I mean, I love it here, 432 00:19:33,489 --> 00:19:35,989 but I'm sad they missed my wedding. 433 00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:37,416 Hey, I have idea. 434 00:19:37,568 --> 00:19:39,493 Why don't we visit family in America? 435 00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:43,181 They can celebrate our wedding and say a proper farewell. 436 00:19:43,332 --> 00:19:45,666 Yeah, that's a great idea. 437 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,334 I'm gonna call them right now. 438 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:50,354 -Ugh, no service. -Here, use mine. 439 00:19:50,581 --> 00:19:53,024 Only service that works here is state-controlled 440 00:19:53,251 --> 00:19:56,101 Russian cellular network where they spy on every move. 441 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,071 I think in U.S.A., you call it "T-Mobile." 442 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,426 Ah, so you got green card marriage, huh? 443 00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:06,429 That's right. American cow fell for it. 444 00:20:06,447 --> 00:20:09,281 Here's to my last night in Russia. 445 00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,100 Oh, my God. 446 00:20:11,269 --> 00:20:12,952 This whole thing was just another scam? 447 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:15,104 (both men laugh) 448 00:20:15,122 --> 00:20:18,382 I'll give you something to laugh about. 449 00:20:25,616 --> 00:20:27,391 -What the... Oh, no. -(sirens wailing) 450 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,544 ("State Anthem of the Russian Federation" playing) 451 00:20:30,713 --> 00:20:32,396 ♪ ♪ 452 00:20:53,644 --> 00:20:55,586 ♪ ♪