♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Hi, honey, how was school today?
Well, the metal detectors were down, so the popular kids
were all on edge all day, so that was kind of fun.
Oh, and we also got our yearbooks.
Ooh, let me see.
I love seeing what my handsome boy's been up to all year.
Oh, there's the student council, and the cheerleaders.
Peter, w-why is there a photo of you in here?
I'm in the Peter club.
It's just me and this guy Jason who joined as a joke.
Jason's, like, hilarious.
Wait a minute. Chris, there's no pictures of you.
Huh, I guess not.
Chris, honey, I keep telling you,
you need to get involved in extracurricular activities.
Otherwise you won't get into college,
and you'll end up a garbageman
or a congresswoman from Colorado.
Okay, okay, fine. I'll look for a club tomorrow.
Your mom's right, Chris. You got to get into college.
Mostly so you can constantly
jam into conversation where you went.
Have you been to that new restaurant, Kristof's, downtown?
-It's amazing. -No, but that reminds me
of when I was at school in Cambridge.
Oh, you went to Harvard?
No, the Cambridge Technical College for Dullards and Mutes.
Not to brag, but there are commercials for it on TV.
Because it's embarrassing to see you in jeans at church.
That's why.
Yeah, I'm sure it was fine back home in Tampa.
Now hold still.
Hey, Brian, could you drive me to Joann Fabrics?
I'm gonna put in some elastic 'cause I've learned my lesson.
Sure, just got to stop at the bank.
Still getting my accounts sorted out
after that Russian hacker thing.
Ah, yes, that Ivan fellow.
I can't believe Meg stayed behind to be with him.
Well, they seemed pretty happy together.
Still, it's got to be hard leaving your whole life behind
and adapting to a foreign culture.
I wonder how she's doing.
♪ ♪
♪ This old town, this old crumbling village ♪
♪ Cold and grey ♪
♪ Like the town next door ♪
♪ It's so bleak ♪
♪ But to me, it's perfect ♪
♪ Especially when we say ♪
♪ Privyet, privyet ♪
♪ Privyet, privyet, privyet ♪
♪ There goes the onion man ♪
♪ He smells like heaven ♪
♪ Already drunk at 9:15 ♪
♪ Though the air is bitter cold ♪
♪ And I'm constantly patrolled ♪
♪ I've never felt so much at home... ♪
-Privyet. -Have a great day at work, space dog.
♪ There goes that Meg ♪
♪ She is so dense and sturdy ♪
♪ Pumped up for winter like a seal ♪
♪ And she's only just 18 ♪
♪ The exact same age as me ♪
♪ So pale and plain and homely ♪
♪ That's our Meg ♪
♪ Now after 50 hours on Spirit Airlines ♪
♪ I've found a place where I belong ♪
♪ With a man who's oh, so sweet ♪
♪ And all the turnips I can eat ♪
♪ What more can I ask ♪
♪ For? ♪
(screams)
-(alarm blaring) -(siren wailing)
All right, I got to get Mom off my back.
There's got to be an extracurricular
for me somewhere.
-Hey, can I join your club? -That depends.
Can you uplift your fellow students
through the eloquent art of public speaking?
I'll give it my best shot.
(bleep), (bleep) for sure, and (bleep) most of all, Kelvin.
Uh, I'm not too good at sports.
You sure I can be on the lacrosse team?
Absolutely, Chris.
We think you'd make a great defendant.
-You mean defender? -No.
-We're full. -Wait, your name's not Peter.
That's Jason. He's, like, hilarious.
So I don't have to be a Peter to join?
We're full.
How was day working at bot farm, my love?
It was great.
I convinced a Facebook mommy group
that diapers cause autism.
Ooh, then we had a big catered lunch. See?
Ah, my darling has appetite of Siberian walrus.
And is just as fragrant.
(slobbering)
You rest, milaya. I'll go make tea.
Man, I miss American food.
"Beets are fine, but every once in a while,
"I sure could go for a good old-fashioned
American cheeseburger."
(phone whooshes)
Bozhe moi, what happen?
(tires screech)
AGENT: President Putin will not tolerate
(distant): even the mildest of criticism.
You need to drive slower, man.
I don't think he heard the end of my threat.
Uh, well, maybe your threat should be more succinct.
Well, maybe you should call our boss "papa" again.
It was mistake. One time.
One time I do this.
LOIS: Chris? Did you find an after-school activity yet?
Working on it, Mom.
"In conclusion, municipal zoning laws have ultimately hurt
the very people they're intended to help."
And send.
Gosh, who knew there was so much civil discourse
in the Pornhub comments section?
All right, back to business.
Hmm. This one's just called "Sex in a School."
(porn music playing)
Whoa, that's crazy.
This set looks just like my homeroom.
Huh, the porn school has a Chris Griffin, too?
It's so immersive.
Wait a minute.
Is this my school?
SHEPHERD (over video): Attention, naughty students.
Ass is now in session.
Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd's making porn at school.
Hey, I'm gonna shut this door real quick.
Rupert's pants came back and he doesn't fit into them,
so, so we're having a thing.
Oh, you know what, guys?
I think some of these letters are, like, numbers.
(sighs) We got to start over.
Chris, can you erase the boards for me?
-Kiss my shorts. -(all gasp)
Chris, I hear you've been acting up in class
and carelessly misquoting The Simpsons.
Yeah, well, don't have a moo, man.
(gasps) The slacker's position.
Young man, in this school, furniture has rules.
Well, guess what? I'm gonna do whatever I want around here,
and there's nothing you can do about it.
Oh, really? And why is that?
'Cause I know you've been making porn in the school.
I... You can't prove that.
I heard your voice on one of the videos.
(sighs) All right, you caught me.
You see, Chris, we educators don't make a lot of money.
So, once I saw I had the classrooms at my disposal,
plus all the school A/V equipment,
I realized I was only a box of wet naps away
from becoming a pornographer, so I gave it a shot.
Hamilton tells me you're not supposed to throw those away.
Well, it doesn't matter. I'm not making any money.
My videos hardly get any views.
I think it's time for me to throw in the sticky towel.
Wow, that's a pretty sad story, Principal Shepherd.
But you want to know the saddest part of all?
Your porn sucks, bro.
What? What are you talking about?
Well, let's start with the titles.
Who calls their porno "Man and Woman Having Standard Sex"?
You got to work the algorithm, man.
You need keywords like "stepsister,"
"stepbrother," "stepmom."
Just put "step" and a noun and it should work.
Even "stepladder" is getting traction these days.
You know, if you want to make this thing work
and start making money, I can help you out.
You want to help me?
Actually, I think we can help each other.
You need help with this thing,
I need an after-school activity so my mom gets off my back,
and I think I just found it.
I'm the newest member of the porn club.
-All right, deal. -Awesome.
I feel like I've finally found my calling, like Steve Martin.
I've got it.
I'll do five years of entertainment,
then 40 years of banjo.
-(phone ringing) -Hello?
No, I don't want ten million dollars for a movie.
Call back when you've got 14 banjo fans
in your city's worst theater.
(playing upbeat melody)
WOMAN: Honey?
Could you shut the door?
Honey, shut the door.
(groans) Ivan.
W-What happened?
Everyone here was silenced by state
for careless social media post.
You mean that thing I said about beets for lu...
(shushes) Quiet.
Government is very strict
about criticism of Russian way of life.
Is true. You see, President Putin can be very sensitive...
Meg, I am so happy you okay.
I stayed by your side all night.
Oh, thank you for being so good to me.
God, this hospital bill is gonna be a fortune.
What? Is free.
Even in Russia,
health care is basic human right covered by government.
Surely is same in very wealthy, superior United States?
Well...
♪ God bless America ♪
♪ My home sweet home... ♪
Lunch lady porn?
Is this really something people want to see?
Oh, yeah, it has a very dedicated fan base.
Plus, the actors don't even have to be attractive.
(chuckles): You ever see a hot lunch lady?
No. It ruins the fantasy.
Ready when you are, Mr. G.
All right, places.
"Sloppy Hoes," scene one, take one. Mark.
Tarps up.
And action.
(porn music plays)
Cut. Get that cigarette out of the shot.
Kids are gonna watch this.
I got to hand it to you, Chris,
our videos have been quite a success.
I haven't felt this kind of financial security
since I found 20 bucks in one of the lost-and-found jackets.
In fact, I took the liberty of buying us
a little something to celebrate.
Come on.
-Wow, is that... -That's right.
The 1992 Toyota Cressida.
The ultimate principal dream car.
Shallot purple with a beige interior.
-And there's one for each of us. -Gosh, really?
No one's ever given me anything this nice before.
Well, you earned it.
Turns out, you just needed
to find something you could excel at.
Thanks, Principal Shepherd.
Say, how about we drive these babies down to Chipotle
and order guac like big shots?
I saw Elon Musk do that once.
Was it after his hair transplant?
After one of his two separate hair transplants, yes.
Aw. It was so sweet of you to plan this picnic, Ivan.
But why are we in a cemetery?
Meg, I brings you here because cemetery is very special place.
It is here where you can finally meet my parents.
Your parents are dead?
Oh, Ivan, I'm so sorry.
It's okay. They died peacefully being ripped apart by dogs.
Meg, when you were in hospital, I was so afraid to lose you.
And in that moment, I realized I never want us to be apart.
-Meg, will you marry me? -(gasps)
I do not have much to give,
but I do have mother's engagement ring.
What do you say, Meg?
Will you make me happiest man in all of Russia?
Which is admittedly a very low bar?
Oh, Ivan. Yes, yes, yes.
Then come with me and let's take brown clothes,
not-smiling engagement photo.
-(camera shutter clicks) -I cannot wait
to etch this picture of you into hideous black gravestone.
Which background you want? Frozen tundra or leaky reactor?
-Oh, oh, reactor, please. -Reactor, please.
Don't know why I offer tundra. Nobody choose.
Hey, where are you going?
Dinner's gonna be ready any minute.
Oh, I-I have to get to school.
I have to meet up with the, uh, uh, debate club.
At 8:00 p.m.?
Yeah, there was a whole debate about it.
Well I am so glad you finally found an extracurricular.
This is gonna look great on your college résumé.
And maybe you'll make some new friends.
I am so proud of you.
-No, you're not. -What? Of course I am.
Ah, gotcha. You got debated.
Oh, so advanced already.
(laughs): Okay, have fun.
ANNOUNCER: Family Guy is brought to you
by the not-new Toyota Cressida.
With more back seat Diet Pepsi can storage
than any other car in its class.
When you hear the call of adventure,
let your Cressida drive you the other way.
The Toyota Cressida.
You'll pick up that french fry next to the brake
when you're good and ready.
Chris? Are you in here, sweetie?
I brought your favorite:
spaghetti with butter and nothing else.
I'm told it's a sign of a developmental disorder,
but I'm not ready to confront that yet.
-(porn music playing) -Chris?
Cut. Okay, Klaara?
Klaara, honey, um, before this next take,
can you move your baby or get him to stop crying?
There's my handsome boy.
Mom? What are you doing here?
Well, I didn't want you doing argument-sports
on an empty stomach, so I...
Wait, this is the debate club?
W-What's with all the lights and the cameras?
A-Are you guys making a movie?
Um...
(speaking inaudibly)
LOIS: Crocs and Arby's?
Oh, my God. You're making porn.
ANNOUNCER: Arby's. We don't judge.
We just hand out shaved meats.
I don't believe this.
Chris, you lied to me. And for something so disgusting.
Mom, I-I can explain.
Oh, and on school grounds, no less.
Just you wait until Principal Shepherd hears about this.
Well, CVS didn't have any towels,
so follow me to the science lab
and I'll show you where the eye-wash stations are.
-Mrs. Griffin? -Principal Shepherd,
are you in on this, too?
Certainly not. I have no idea what's going on here.
Principal Shepherd, Starla is officially a no-show,
so the nine-some is now an eight-some.
All right, put her per diem back in petty cash,
tell Sue Ann in makeup it's her lucky day,
tell lighting it's legs up in five,
and let's shoot this thing.
I mean, what?
We begin with a reading from the Russian Orthodox Bible.
And Jesus said to Mikhail,
"The radio you sold me last week does not work."
Mikhail said to Him, "How do I know
you didn't break it on purpose to get your money back?"
Then they got in a fistfight on the bus.
-Amen. -BOTH: Amen.
I now pronounce Ukraine actually part of Russia,
and I also pronounce you husband and wife.
You may share a joyless kiss.
(audience shouting)
This is an outrage.
Porn doesn't belong in school, it belongs on public trains.
I guess if I don't bring brownies, nobody does.
Please, everyone, not all at once.
Is there an Alpha Karen who can speak for all of you?
First of all, I want you to know I'm filming this.
Second of all, I'm gonna get really angry really fast
for no reason.
Listen, folks, I-I can explain.
What is there to explain?
That you've been using our children's school
to make pornography?
That-that you took advantage of my son?
(overlapping chatter)
This is getting away from me.
Maybe I can filibuster this
by reading the owner's manual for my Toyota Cressida.
"Dear consumer, making cars is really hard.
There are so many parts, you guys."
(indistinct shouting)
Wait. Everybody, wait a minute.
That's the boy who was talking to an owl outside.
Let him speak.
Look, Principal Shepherd may have made some bad decisions,
but he didn't do it for himself.
It was all to raise money for the school.
Oh, is-is that true, Principal Shepherd?
Um...
-Well, I-I... -Of course it's true.
Every year they slash the school budget,
and this man did what he had to do
to give us the education we deserve.
You know the reading specialist we have?
Paid for by a "Das Boot."
What's a "Das Boot"?
That's when a whole bunch of German men
go down at the same time.
He's right, everyone.
With all those budget cuts, I had no choice.
It was either make porn, or pass a modest tax increase
on the wealthiest citizens of Quahog.
A tax hike that'll affect none of us?
That's the last thing we want.
-Meeting adjourned. -(indistinct chatter)
Chris, that was some quick thinking back there.
You saved my career. Thank you.
Hold it right there, Principal Shepherd.
Now, I appreciate that you were trying to help out the school,
but how could you get my son involved in something like this?
-You've corrupted him. -"Corrupted"?
This was the best thing that ever happened to me.
See, before we started making porn,
I didn't care about anything
because I wasn't good at anything.
But now, I'm using skills I never knew I had.
I'm writing scripts, making schedules and balancing budgets.
And it's all thanks to Principal Shepherd.
♪ ♪
I never thought of it that way.
I-I guess you did learn some valuable life skills.
Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry I got mad, honey.
I just wanted to protect you.
That's okay, Mom. I get it.
-But no more making porn. -Deal.
Redheaded MILF packs a very naughty lunch box?
Dude, that's my mom.
It's usually someone's mom, Chris.
Well, I managed to upgrade us to president-for-life suite.
Window is so big, you could shove
six, seven journalists out all at once.
Are you okay, Meg? You barely touched your kvass.
What's the matter, not enough raisins?
Perhaps you miss your family, no?
Yeah. I mean, I love it here,
but I'm sad they missed my wedding.
Hey, I have idea.
Why don't we visit family in America?
They can celebrate our wedding and say a proper farewell.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
I'm gonna call them right now.
-Ugh, no service. -Here, use mine.
Only service that works here is state-controlled
Russian cellular network where they spy on every move.
I think in U.S.A., you call it "T-Mobile."
Ah, so you got green card marriage, huh?
That's right. American cow fell for it.
Here's to my last night in Russia.
Oh, my God.
This whole thing was just another scam?
(both men laugh)
I'll give you something to laugh about.
-What the... Oh, no. -(sirens wailing)
("State Anthem of the Russian Federation" playing)
♪ ♪