1
00:00:02,411 --> 00:00:04,728
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,747 --> 00:00:07,673
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:11,418
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,570 --> 00:00:14,421
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,573 --> 00:00:18,017
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,168 --> 00:00:21,336
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,004
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:24,189
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,416 --> 00:00:30,154
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:36,443
Hi, honey, how was school today?
11
00:00:36,595 --> 00:00:39,279
Well, the metal detectors
were down, so the popular kids
12
00:00:39,431 --> 00:00:41,874
were all on edge all day,
so that was kind of fun.
13
00:00:42,025 --> 00:00:43,876
Oh, and we also got
our yearbooks.
14
00:00:44,027 --> 00:00:45,527
Ooh, let me see.
15
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:49,106
I love seeing what my handsome
boy's been up to all year.
16
00:00:49,124 --> 00:00:53,034
Oh, there's the student council,
and the cheerleaders.
17
00:00:53,128 --> 00:00:55,703
Peter, w-why is there
a photo of you in here?
18
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,281
I'm in the Peter club.
19
00:00:57,283 --> 00:00:59,633
It's just me and this guy Jason
who joined as a joke.
20
00:00:59,802 --> 00:01:02,227
Jason's, like, hilarious.
21
00:01:02,379 --> 00:01:04,805
Wait a minute. Chris,
there's no pictures of you.
22
00:01:04,957 --> 00:01:06,398
Huh, I guess not.
23
00:01:06,550 --> 00:01:07,808
Chris, honey,
I keep telling you,
24
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:11,386
you need to get involved
in extracurricular activities.
25
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:12,905
Otherwise you won't
get into college,
26
00:01:13,056 --> 00:01:14,573
and you'll end up a garbageman
27
00:01:14,724 --> 00:01:16,650
or a congresswoman
from Colorado.
28
00:01:16,802 --> 00:01:20,137
Okay, okay, fine.
I'll look for a club tomorrow.
29
00:01:20,155 --> 00:01:22,322
Your mom's right, Chris.
You got to get into college.
30
00:01:22,474 --> 00:01:23,974
Mostly so you can constantly
31
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:26,418
jam into conversation
where you went.
32
00:01:26,570 --> 00:01:28,754
Have you been to that new
restaurant, Kristof's, downtown?
33
00:01:28,981 --> 00:01:31,256
-It's amazing.
-No, but that reminds me
34
00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:33,150
of when I was at school
in Cambridge.
35
00:01:33,243 --> 00:01:34,668
Oh, you went to Harvard?
36
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:38,430
No, the Cambridge Technical
College for Dullards and Mutes.
37
00:01:38,657 --> 00:01:42,226
Not to brag, but there are
commercials for it on TV.
38
00:01:46,498 --> 00:01:49,942
Because it's embarrassing
to see you in jeans at church.
39
00:01:50,018 --> 00:01:51,593
That's why.
40
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,687
Yeah, I'm sure it was fine
back home in Tampa.
41
00:01:53,839 --> 00:01:55,021
Now hold still.
42
00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:57,357
Hey, Brian, could you drive me
to Joann Fabrics?
43
00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:00,768
I'm gonna put in some elastic
'cause I've learned my lesson.
44
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,362
Sure, just got to stop
at the bank.
45
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,030
Still getting my accounts
sorted out
46
00:02:04,125 --> 00:02:05,349
after that Russian hacker thing.
47
00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:07,184
Ah, yes, that Ivan fellow.
48
00:02:07,202 --> 00:02:09,519
I can't believe Meg
stayed behind to be with him.
49
00:02:09,538 --> 00:02:11,204
Well, they seemed
pretty happy together.
50
00:02:11,357 --> 00:02:13,874
Still, it's got to be hard
leaving your whole life behind
51
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,026
and adapting
to a foreign culture.
52
00:02:16,044 --> 00:02:17,694
I wonder how she's doing.
53
00:02:17,713 --> 00:02:19,721
♪ ♪
54
00:02:24,703 --> 00:02:28,689
♪ This old town,
this old crumbling village ♪
55
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,151
♪ Cold and grey ♪
56
00:02:32,378 --> 00:02:35,821
♪ Like the town next door ♪
57
00:02:35,972 --> 00:02:37,881
♪ It's so bleak ♪
58
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:41,809
♪ But to me, it's perfect ♪
59
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:46,239
♪ Especially when we say ♪
60
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,483
♪ Privyet, privyet ♪
61
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,744
♪ Privyet, privyet, privyet ♪
62
00:02:50,896 --> 00:02:52,746
♪ There goes the onion man ♪
63
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,731
♪ He smells like heaven ♪
64
00:02:54,824 --> 00:02:59,011
♪ Already drunk at 9:15 ♪
65
00:02:59,162 --> 00:03:01,087
♪ Though the air
is bitter cold ♪
66
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,089
♪ And I'm constantly patrolled ♪
67
00:03:03,166 --> 00:03:07,502
♪ I've never felt
so much at home... ♪
68
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,731
-Privyet.
-Have a great day at work,
space dog.
69
00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:13,417
♪ There goes that Meg ♪
70
00:03:13,510 --> 00:03:15,435
♪ She is so dense and sturdy ♪
71
00:03:15,587 --> 00:03:19,773
♪ Pumped up for winter
like a seal ♪
72
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,849
♪ And she's only just 18 ♪
73
00:03:21,944 --> 00:03:23,869
♪ The exact same age as me ♪
74
00:03:24,020 --> 00:03:26,096
♪ So pale and plain and homely ♪
75
00:03:26,189 --> 00:03:29,208
♪ That's our Meg ♪
76
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:35,956
♪ Now after 50 hours
on Spirit Airlines ♪
77
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:39,367
♪ I've found a place
where I belong ♪
78
00:03:39,461 --> 00:03:41,536
♪ With a man
who's oh, so sweet ♪
79
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,947
♪ And all the turnips
I can eat ♪
80
00:03:43,966 --> 00:03:47,951
♪ What more can I ask ♪
81
00:03:47,970 --> 00:03:50,562
♪ For? ♪
82
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,291
(screams)
83
00:03:54,460 --> 00:03:56,526
-(alarm blaring)
-(siren wailing)
84
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,910
All right, I got to get Mom
off my back.
85
00:04:05,061 --> 00:04:06,486
There's got to be
an extracurricular
86
00:04:06,638 --> 00:04:08,247
for me somewhere.
87
00:04:08,398 --> 00:04:11,157
-Hey, can I join your club?
-That depends.
88
00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:12,642
Can you uplift
your fellow students
89
00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:15,069
through the eloquent art
of public speaking?
90
00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:16,830
I'll give it my best shot.
91
00:04:16,982 --> 00:04:22,511
(bleep), (bleep) for sure,
and (bleep) most of all, Kelvin.
92
00:04:25,824 --> 00:04:27,432
Uh, I'm not too good at sports.
93
00:04:27,584 --> 00:04:29,676
You sure I can be
on the lacrosse team?
94
00:04:29,828 --> 00:04:31,252
Absolutely, Chris.
95
00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:33,087
We think you'd make
a great defendant.
96
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:36,024
-You mean defender?
-No.
97
00:04:41,006 --> 00:04:43,615
-We're full.
-Wait, your name's not Peter.
98
00:04:43,692 --> 00:04:46,118
That's Jason.
He's, like, hilarious.
99
00:04:46,269 --> 00:04:49,346
So I don't have to be
a Peter to join?
100
00:04:49,439 --> 00:04:50,539
We're full.
101
00:04:55,037 --> 00:04:57,629
How was day working
at bot farm, my love?
102
00:04:57,856 --> 00:04:59,113
It was great.
103
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,632
I convinced a Facebook
mommy group
104
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,025
that diapers cause autism.
105
00:05:02,118 --> 00:05:05,262
Ooh, then we had
a big catered lunch. See?
106
00:05:06,623 --> 00:05:09,957
Ah, my darling has appetite
of Siberian walrus.
107
00:05:10,035 --> 00:05:12,385
And is just as fragrant.
108
00:05:12,538 --> 00:05:14,813
(slobbering)
109
00:05:14,964 --> 00:05:18,224
You rest, milaya.
I'll go make tea.
110
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:20,694
Man, I miss American food.
111
00:05:22,564 --> 00:05:25,231
"Beets are fine,
but every once in a while,
112
00:05:25,326 --> 00:05:27,567
"I sure could go
for a good old-fashioned
113
00:05:27,719 --> 00:05:29,569
American cheeseburger."
114
00:05:29,721 --> 00:05:30,996
(phone whooshes)
115
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:36,126
Bozhe moi, what happen?
116
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,246
(tires screech)
117
00:05:40,399 --> 00:05:41,989
AGENT:
President Putin
will not tolerate
118
00:05:42,084 --> 00:05:44,826
(distant):
even the mildest of criticism.
119
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,345
You need to drive slower, man.
120
00:05:46,572 --> 00:05:48,572
I don't think he heard
the end of my threat.
121
00:05:48,590 --> 00:05:51,183
Uh, well, maybe your threat
should be more succinct.
122
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:54,077
Well, maybe you should call
our boss "papa" again.
123
00:05:54,096 --> 00:05:56,462
It was mistake. One time.
124
00:05:56,598 --> 00:05:58,565
One time I do this.
125
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,029
LOIS:
Chris? Did you find
an after-school activity yet?
126
00:06:04,256 --> 00:06:05,922
Working on it, Mom.
127
00:06:06,015 --> 00:06:09,534
"In conclusion, municipal
zoning laws have ultimately hurt
128
00:06:09,686 --> 00:06:11,778
the very people
they're intended to help."
129
00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:13,372
And send.
130
00:06:13,523 --> 00:06:15,707
Gosh, who knew there was
so much civil discourse
131
00:06:15,859 --> 00:06:17,876
in the Pornhub comments section?
132
00:06:18,027 --> 00:06:20,045
All right, back to business.
133
00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:23,882
Hmm. This one's just called
"Sex in a School."
134
00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:26,793
(porn music playing)
135
00:06:26,945 --> 00:06:28,053
Whoa, that's crazy.
136
00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:30,389
This set looks
just like my homeroom.
137
00:06:32,784 --> 00:06:35,785
Huh, the porn school
has a Chris Griffin, too?
138
00:06:35,879 --> 00:06:37,712
It's so immersive.
139
00:06:37,806 --> 00:06:39,564
Wait a minute.
140
00:06:44,796 --> 00:06:46,980
Is this my school?
141
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,798
SHEPHERD (over video):
Attention, naughty students.
142
00:06:48,817 --> 00:06:50,817
Ass is now in session.
143
00:06:50,969 --> 00:06:54,413
Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd's
making porn at school.
144
00:06:54,564 --> 00:06:56,248
Hey, I'm gonna shut
this door real quick.
145
00:06:56,399 --> 00:06:58,917
Rupert's pants came back
and he doesn't fit into them,
146
00:06:59,068 --> 00:07:01,253
so, so we're having a thing.
147
00:07:07,836 --> 00:07:09,335
Oh, you know what, guys?
148
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:12,172
I think some of these letters
are, like, numbers.
149
00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:13,990
(sighs)
We got to start over.
150
00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:16,159
Chris, can you erase
the boards for me?
151
00:07:16,178 --> 00:07:19,086
-Kiss my shorts.
-(all gasp)
152
00:07:19,181 --> 00:07:21,014
Chris, I hear you've been
acting up in class
153
00:07:21,166 --> 00:07:23,500
and carelessly misquoting
The Simpsons.
154
00:07:23,502 --> 00:07:26,761
Yeah, well,
don't have a moo, man.
155
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,780
(gasps)
The slacker's position.
156
00:07:28,932 --> 00:07:31,841
Young man, in this school,
furniture has rules.
157
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:35,361
Well, guess what? I'm gonna do
whatever I want around here,
158
00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:37,847
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
159
00:07:37,941 --> 00:07:39,849
Oh, really? And why is that?
160
00:07:39,868 --> 00:07:43,186
'Cause I know you've been
making porn in the school.
161
00:07:43,188 --> 00:07:45,112
I... You can't prove that.
162
00:07:45,190 --> 00:07:47,207
I heard your voice
on one of the videos.
163
00:07:47,359 --> 00:07:49,784
(sighs)
All right, you caught me.
164
00:07:49,861 --> 00:07:53,363
You see, Chris, we educators
don't make a lot of money.
165
00:07:53,456 --> 00:07:56,049
So, once I saw I had
the classrooms at my disposal,
166
00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:57,550
plus all the school
A/V equipment,
167
00:07:57,703 --> 00:08:00,537
I realized I was only
a box of wet naps away
168
00:08:00,555 --> 00:08:03,482
from becoming a pornographer,
so I gave it a shot.
169
00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:06,968
Hamilton tells me you're not
supposed to throw those away.
170
00:08:07,136 --> 00:08:09,896
Well, it doesn't matter.
I'm not making any money.
171
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,157
My videos hardly get any views.
172
00:08:12,308 --> 00:08:15,309
I think it's time for me
to throw in the sticky towel.
173
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:18,479
Wow, that's a pretty sad story,
Principal Shepherd.
174
00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:21,057
But you want to know
the saddest part of all?
175
00:08:21,150 --> 00:08:22,984
Your porn sucks, bro.
176
00:08:23,078 --> 00:08:24,836
What? What are you
talking about?
177
00:08:25,029 --> 00:08:26,746
Well, let's start
with the titles.
178
00:08:26,898 --> 00:08:31,084
Who calls their porno "Man
and Woman Having Standard Sex"?
179
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:33,419
You got to work
the algorithm, man.
180
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,014
You need keywords
like "stepsister,"
181
00:08:36,165 --> 00:08:38,091
"stepbrother," "stepmom."
182
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:41,019
Just put "step" and a noun
and it should work.
183
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:44,414
Even "stepladder"
is getting traction these days.
184
00:08:44,432 --> 00:08:46,173
You know, if you want
to make this thing work
185
00:08:46,268 --> 00:08:48,843
and start making money,
I can help you out.
186
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,529
You want to help me?
187
00:08:50,756 --> 00:08:52,272
Actually, I think
we can help each other.
188
00:08:52,424 --> 00:08:53,848
You need help with this thing,
189
00:08:53,942 --> 00:08:57,260
I need an after-school activity
so my mom gets off my back,
190
00:08:57,262 --> 00:08:59,262
and I think I just found it.
191
00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:03,283
I'm the newest member
of the porn club.
192
00:09:03,435 --> 00:09:05,860
-All right, deal.
-Awesome.
193
00:09:05,937 --> 00:09:10,131
I feel like I've finally found
my calling, like Steve Martin.
194
00:09:11,034 --> 00:09:12,108
I've got it.
195
00:09:12,201 --> 00:09:14,035
I'll do five years
of entertainment,
196
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:16,704
then 40 years of banjo.
197
00:09:16,798 --> 00:09:19,115
-(phone ringing)
-Hello?
198
00:09:19,134 --> 00:09:22,209
No, I don't want
ten million dollars for a movie.
199
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:25,063
Call back when you've got
14 banjo fans
200
00:09:25,214 --> 00:09:27,807
in your city's worst theater.
201
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,718
(playing upbeat melody)
202
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:31,811
WOMAN:
Honey?
203
00:09:31,963 --> 00:09:34,889
Could you shut the door?
204
00:09:34,983 --> 00:09:37,409
Honey, shut the door.
205
00:09:41,823 --> 00:09:43,915
(groans)
Ivan.
206
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:45,250
W-What happened?
207
00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:47,419
Everyone here
was silenced by state
208
00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:49,421
for careless social media post.
209
00:09:49,572 --> 00:09:51,981
You mean that thing I said
about beets for lu...
210
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,240
(shushes)
Quiet.
211
00:09:53,409 --> 00:09:54,909
Government is very strict
212
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,320
about criticism
of Russian way of life.
213
00:09:57,413 --> 00:10:01,683
Is true. You see, President
Putin can be very sensitive...
214
00:10:02,677 --> 00:10:04,677
Meg, I am so happy you okay.
215
00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:06,496
I stayed by your side all night.
216
00:10:06,514 --> 00:10:09,182
Oh, thank you
for being so good to me.
217
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:11,926
God, this hospital bill
is gonna be a fortune.
218
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,336
What? Is free.
219
00:10:13,338 --> 00:10:14,671
Even in Russia,
220
00:10:14,764 --> 00:10:17,282
health care is basic human right
covered by government.
221
00:10:17,509 --> 00:10:21,527
Surely is same in very wealthy,
superior United States?
222
00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,813
Well...
223
00:10:23,865 --> 00:10:29,294
♪ God bless America ♪
224
00:10:29,521 --> 00:10:36,384
♪ My home sweet home... ♪
225
00:10:39,622 --> 00:10:41,214
Lunch lady porn?
226
00:10:41,366 --> 00:10:42,957
Is this really something
people want to see?
227
00:10:43,051 --> 00:10:46,311
Oh, yeah, it has
a very dedicated fan base.
228
00:10:46,462 --> 00:10:48,647
Plus, the actors don't even
have to be attractive.
229
00:10:48,874 --> 00:10:51,040
(chuckles):
You ever see a hot lunch lady?
230
00:10:51,134 --> 00:10:53,801
No. It ruins the fantasy.
231
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,803
Ready when you are, Mr. G.
232
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:57,489
All right, places.
233
00:10:57,716 --> 00:11:00,550
"Sloppy Hoes,"
scene one, take one. Mark.
234
00:11:00,568 --> 00:11:02,385
Tarps up.
235
00:11:02,404 --> 00:11:03,736
And action.
236
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,146
(porn music plays)
237
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:08,558
Cut. Get that cigarette
out of the shot.
238
00:11:08,727 --> 00:11:10,669
Kids are gonna watch this.
239
00:11:13,674 --> 00:11:14,914
I got to hand it to you, Chris,
240
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,583
our videos have been
quite a success.
241
00:11:17,736 --> 00:11:19,585
I haven't felt this kind
of financial security
242
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,922
since I found 20 bucks in one
of the lost-and-found jackets.
243
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,832
In fact, I took the liberty
of buying us
244
00:11:24,926 --> 00:11:26,518
a little something to celebrate.
245
00:11:26,669 --> 00:11:27,911
Come on.
246
00:11:27,929 --> 00:11:30,522
-Wow, is that...
-That's right.
247
00:11:30,673 --> 00:11:32,765
The 1992 Toyota Cressida.
248
00:11:32,918 --> 00:11:34,584
The ultimate
principal dream car.
249
00:11:34,602 --> 00:11:37,344
Shallot purple
with a beige interior.
250
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:40,440
-And there's one for each of us.
-Gosh, really?
251
00:11:40,592 --> 00:11:43,609
No one's ever given me
anything this nice before.
252
00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:44,852
Well, you earned it.
253
00:11:44,946 --> 00:11:46,353
Turns out, you just needed
254
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,206
to find something
you could excel at.
255
00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:49,824
Thanks, Principal Shepherd.
256
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:52,693
Say, how about we drive
these babies down to Chipotle
257
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:55,104
and order guac like big shots?
258
00:11:55,123 --> 00:11:56,864
I saw Elon Musk do that once.
259
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,624
Was it after
his hair transplant?
260
00:11:58,777 --> 00:12:02,637
After one of his two
separate hair transplants, yes.
261
00:12:05,875 --> 00:12:09,728
Aw. It was so sweet of you
to plan this picnic, Ivan.
262
00:12:09,879 --> 00:12:11,637
But why are we in a cemetery?
263
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:16,401
Meg, I brings you here because
cemetery is very special place.
264
00:12:16,628 --> 00:12:19,988
It is here where you can
finally meet my parents.
265
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,149
Your parents are dead?
266
00:12:23,226 --> 00:12:25,243
Oh, Ivan, I'm so sorry.
267
00:12:25,394 --> 00:12:29,322
It's okay. They died peacefully
being ripped apart by dogs.
268
00:12:29,491 --> 00:12:33,159
Meg, when you were in hospital,
I was so afraid to lose you.
269
00:12:33,311 --> 00:12:37,238
And in that moment, I realized
I never want us to be apart.
270
00:12:37,332 --> 00:12:40,759
-Meg, will you marry me?
-(gasps)
271
00:12:40,986 --> 00:12:42,076
I do not have much to give,
272
00:12:42,245 --> 00:12:44,971
but I do have
mother's engagement ring.
273
00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:49,659
What do you say, Meg?
274
00:12:49,752 --> 00:12:52,178
Will you make me happiest man
in all of Russia?
275
00:12:52,330 --> 00:12:54,439
Which is admittedly
a very low bar?
276
00:12:54,590 --> 00:12:57,258
Oh, Ivan. Yes, yes, yes.
277
00:12:57,335 --> 00:12:59,669
Then come with me
and let's take brown clothes,
278
00:12:59,762 --> 00:13:01,613
not-smiling engagement photo.
279
00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:03,114
-(camera shutter clicks)
-I cannot wait
280
00:13:03,341 --> 00:13:07,452
to etch this picture of you
into hideous black gravestone.
281
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:11,197
Which background you want?
Frozen tundra or leaky reactor?
282
00:13:11,349 --> 00:13:13,016
-Oh, oh, reactor, please.
-Reactor, please.
283
00:13:13,018 --> 00:13:16,544
Don't know why I offer tundra.
Nobody choose.
284
00:13:19,115 --> 00:13:20,857
Hey, where are you going?
285
00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:22,208
Dinner's gonna be ready
any minute.
286
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,377
Oh, I-I have to get to school.
287
00:13:24,529 --> 00:13:27,547
I have to meet up with
the, uh, uh, debate club.
288
00:13:27,699 --> 00:13:29,123
At 8:00 p.m.?
289
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,367
Yeah, there was
a whole debate about it.
290
00:13:31,369 --> 00:13:34,220
Well I am so glad you finally
found an extracurricular.
291
00:13:34,372 --> 00:13:36,314
This is gonna look great
on your college résumé.
292
00:13:36,541 --> 00:13:38,708
And maybe you'll make
some new friends.
293
00:13:38,726 --> 00:13:40,968
I am so proud of you.
294
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,880
-No, you're not.
-What? Of course I am.
295
00:13:43,898 --> 00:13:46,883
Ah, gotcha. You got debated.
296
00:13:46,901 --> 00:13:49,235
Oh, so advanced already.
297
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,071
(laughs):
Okay, have fun.
298
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,073
ANNOUNCER:
Family Guy is brought to you
299
00:13:54,225 --> 00:13:56,650
by the not-new Toyota Cressida.
300
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,336
With more back seat
Diet Pepsi can storage
301
00:13:58,563 --> 00:14:00,821
than any other car in its class.
302
00:14:00,948 --> 00:14:02,248
When you hear
the call of adventure,
303
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,510
let your Cressida drive you
the other way.
304
00:14:05,661 --> 00:14:07,086
The Toyota Cressida.
305
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,738
You'll pick up that french fry
next to the brake
306
00:14:08,831 --> 00:14:10,640
when you're good and ready.
307
00:14:15,413 --> 00:14:17,689
Chris? Are you in here, sweetie?
308
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,248
I brought your favorite:
309
00:14:19,250 --> 00:14:21,508
spaghetti with butter
and nothing else.
310
00:14:21,677 --> 00:14:23,936
I'm told it's a sign
of a developmental disorder,
311
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:26,105
but I'm not ready
to confront that yet.
312
00:14:26,257 --> 00:14:28,366
-(porn music playing)
-Chris?
313
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,035
Cut. Okay, Klaara?
314
00:14:31,262 --> 00:14:33,354
Klaara, honey,
um, before this next take,
315
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:37,600
can you move your baby
or get him to stop crying?
316
00:14:37,693 --> 00:14:39,026
There's my handsome boy.
317
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,362
Mom? What are you doing here?
318
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:43,623
Well, I didn't want you doing
argument-sports
319
00:14:43,775 --> 00:14:45,699
on an empty stomach, so I...
320
00:14:45,793 --> 00:14:48,127
Wait, this is the debate club?
321
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,129
W-What's with all the lights
and the cameras?
322
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:52,539
A-Are you guys making a movie?
323
00:14:52,634 --> 00:14:53,975
Um...
324
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,802
(speaking inaudibly)
325
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,253
LOIS:
Crocs and Arby's?
326
00:14:58,255 --> 00:15:00,881
Oh, my God. You're making porn.
327
00:15:00,975 --> 00:15:03,050
ANNOUNCER:
Arby's. We don't judge.
328
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:05,111
We just hand out shaved meats.
329
00:15:10,969 --> 00:15:12,468
I don't believe this.
330
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:16,139
Chris, you lied to me.
And for something so disgusting.
331
00:15:16,232 --> 00:15:17,749
Mom, I-I can explain.
332
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:19,751
Oh, and on school grounds,
no less.
333
00:15:19,902 --> 00:15:22,754
Just you wait until Principal
Shepherd hears about this.
334
00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:24,163
Well, CVS didn't
have any towels,
335
00:15:24,315 --> 00:15:25,498
so follow me to the science lab
336
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,484
and I'll show you where
the eye-wash stations are.
337
00:15:28,503 --> 00:15:30,244
-Mrs. Griffin?
-Principal Shepherd,
338
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,171
are you in on this, too?
339
00:15:32,323 --> 00:15:35,158
Certainly not. I have no idea
what's going on here.
340
00:15:35,251 --> 00:15:37,268
Principal Shepherd,
Starla is officially a no-show,
341
00:15:37,495 --> 00:15:39,270
so the nine-some
is now an eight-some.
342
00:15:39,422 --> 00:15:41,180
All right, put her per diem
back in petty cash,
343
00:15:41,332 --> 00:15:43,441
tell Sue Ann in makeup
it's her lucky day,
344
00:15:43,668 --> 00:15:45,668
tell lighting
it's legs up in five,
345
00:15:45,761 --> 00:15:47,428
and let's shoot this thing.
346
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,739
I mean, what?
347
00:15:52,694 --> 00:15:56,028
We begin with a reading
from the Russian Orthodox Bible.
348
00:15:56,181 --> 00:15:58,014
And Jesus said to Mikhail,
349
00:15:58,032 --> 00:16:00,549
"The radio you sold me last week
does not work."
350
00:16:00,609 --> 00:16:02,609
Mikhail said to Him,
"How do I know
351
00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,446
you didn't break it on purpose
to get your money back?"
352
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,781
Then they got in a fistfight
on the bus.
353
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,525
-Amen.
-BOTH: Amen.
354
00:16:09,618 --> 00:16:12,453
I now pronounce Ukraine
actually part of Russia,
355
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,214
and I also pronounce you
husband and wife.
356
00:16:15,366 --> 00:16:17,642
You may share a joyless kiss.
357
00:16:22,965 --> 00:16:24,857
(audience shouting)
358
00:16:25,043 --> 00:16:26,467
This is an outrage.
359
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,894
Porn doesn't belong in school,
it belongs on public trains.
360
00:16:29,047 --> 00:16:30,880
I guess if I don't bring
brownies, nobody does.
361
00:16:30,973 --> 00:16:32,732
Please, everyone,
not all at once.
362
00:16:32,884 --> 00:16:36,552
Is there an Alpha Karen
who can speak for all of you?
363
00:16:36,645 --> 00:16:39,330
First of all, I want you to know
I'm filming this.
364
00:16:39,482 --> 00:16:43,059
Second of all, I'm gonna
get really angry really fast
365
00:16:43,077 --> 00:16:44,168
for no reason.
366
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,912
Listen, folks, I-I can explain.
367
00:16:47,081 --> 00:16:48,247
What is there to explain?
368
00:16:48,399 --> 00:16:49,749
That you've been using
our children's school
369
00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,083
to make pornography?
370
00:16:51,236 --> 00:16:53,511
That-that you took advantage
of my son?
371
00:16:53,696 --> 00:16:54,828
(overlapping chatter)
372
00:16:54,922 --> 00:16:56,255
This is getting away from me.
373
00:16:56,407 --> 00:16:57,865
Maybe I can filibuster this
374
00:16:57,925 --> 00:17:01,244
by reading the owner's manual
for my Toyota Cressida.
375
00:17:01,262 --> 00:17:04,413
"Dear consumer,
making cars is really hard.
376
00:17:04,507 --> 00:17:07,750
There are so many parts,
you guys."
377
00:17:07,769 --> 00:17:10,153
(indistinct shouting)
378
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,924
Wait. Everybody, wait a minute.
379
00:17:14,942 --> 00:17:17,201
That's the boy who was
talking to an owl outside.
380
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,928
Let him speak.
381
00:17:18,946 --> 00:17:21,355
Look, Principal Shepherd may
have made some bad decisions,
382
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,266
but he didn't do it for himself.
383
00:17:23,284 --> 00:17:26,193
It was all to raise money
for the school.
384
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:29,272
Oh, is-is that true,
Principal Shepherd?
385
00:17:29,290 --> 00:17:30,289
Um...
386
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,366
-Well, I-I...
-Of course it's true.
387
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:35,111
Every year they slash
the school budget,
388
00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:36,462
and this man did
what he had to do
389
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,872
to give us the education
we deserve.
390
00:17:38,966 --> 00:17:40,892
You know the reading specialist
we have?
391
00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:43,636
Paid for by a "Das Boot."
392
00:17:43,805 --> 00:17:45,471
What's a "Das Boot"?
393
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,714
That's when a whole bunch
of German men
394
00:17:47,809 --> 00:17:49,442
go down at the same time.
395
00:17:51,479 --> 00:17:52,645
He's right, everyone.
396
00:17:52,797 --> 00:17:54,797
With all those budget cuts,
I had no choice.
397
00:17:54,890 --> 00:17:58,392
It was either make porn,
or pass a modest tax increase
398
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,745
on the wealthiest citizens
of Quahog.
399
00:18:00,896 --> 00:18:02,822
A tax hike that'll affect
none of us?
400
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,824
That's the last thing we want.
401
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:07,085
-Meeting adjourned.
-(indistinct chatter)
402
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:09,403
Chris, that was some
quick thinking back there.
403
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,164
You saved my career. Thank you.
404
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,740
Hold it right there,
Principal Shepherd.
405
00:18:13,835 --> 00:18:15,835
Now, I appreciate that you were
trying to help out the school,
406
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:19,079
but how could you get my son
involved in something like this?
407
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,748
-You've corrupted him.
-"Corrupted"?
408
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:24,510
This was the best thing
that ever happened to me.
409
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,086
See, before we started
making porn,
410
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:27,438
I didn't care about anything
411
00:18:27,590 --> 00:18:29,273
because I wasn't good
at anything.
412
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:32,835
But now, I'm using skills
I never knew I had.
413
00:18:32,854 --> 00:18:36,839
I'm writing scripts, making
schedules and balancing budgets.
414
00:18:36,858 --> 00:18:39,933
And it's all thanks
to Principal Shepherd.
415
00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:42,620
♪ ♪
416
00:18:42,771 --> 00:18:44,380
I never thought of it that way.
417
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:48,108
I-I guess you did learn
some valuable life skills.
418
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:50,944
Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry
I got mad, honey.
419
00:18:51,113 --> 00:18:52,779
I just wanted to protect you.
420
00:18:52,874 --> 00:18:55,024
That's okay, Mom. I get it.
421
00:18:55,117 --> 00:18:58,527
-But no more making porn.
-Deal.
422
00:18:58,546 --> 00:19:02,122
Redheaded MILF packs
a very naughty lunch box?
423
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:03,957
Dude, that's my mom.
424
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,310
It's usually
someone's mom, Chris.
425
00:19:13,636 --> 00:19:17,213
Well, I managed to upgrade us
to president-for-life suite.
426
00:19:17,348 --> 00:19:18,990
Window is so big,
you could shove
427
00:19:19,141 --> 00:19:22,994
six, seven journalists out
all at once.
428
00:19:23,221 --> 00:19:26,389
Are you okay, Meg?
You barely touched your kvass.
429
00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:28,332
What's the matter,
not enough raisins?
430
00:19:28,484 --> 00:19:31,076
Perhaps you miss
your family, no?
431
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,396
Yeah. I mean, I love it here,
432
00:19:33,489 --> 00:19:35,989
but I'm sad
they missed my wedding.
433
00:19:36,083 --> 00:19:37,416
Hey, I have idea.
434
00:19:37,568 --> 00:19:39,493
Why don't we visit family
in America?
435
00:19:39,662 --> 00:19:43,181
They can celebrate our wedding
and say a proper farewell.
436
00:19:43,332 --> 00:19:45,666
Yeah, that's a great idea.
437
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,334
I'm gonna call them right now.
438
00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:50,354
-Ugh, no service.
-Here, use mine.
439
00:19:50,581 --> 00:19:53,024
Only service that works here
is state-controlled
440
00:19:53,251 --> 00:19:56,101
Russian cellular network
where they spy on every move.
441
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,071
I think in U.S.A.,
you call it "T-Mobile."
442
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,426
Ah, so you got
green card marriage, huh?
443
00:20:03,519 --> 00:20:06,429
That's right.
American cow fell for it.
444
00:20:06,447 --> 00:20:09,281
Here's to my last night
in Russia.
445
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,100
Oh, my God.
446
00:20:11,269 --> 00:20:12,952
This whole thing
was just another scam?
447
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:15,104
(both men laugh)
448
00:20:15,122 --> 00:20:18,382
I'll give you something
to laugh about.
449
00:20:25,616 --> 00:20:27,391
-What the... Oh, no.
-(sirens wailing)
450
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,544
("State Anthem of the Russian
Federation" playing)
451
00:20:30,713 --> 00:20:32,396
♪ ♪
452
00:20:53,644 --> 00:20:55,586
♪ ♪