1
00:00:02,388 --> 00:00:04,825
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

2
00:00:04,869 --> 00:00:07,915
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:07,959 --> 00:00:11,658
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,702 --> 00:00:14,661
♪ On which we used to rely?

5
00:00:14,705 --> 00:00:18,012
♪ Lucky there's a family guy

6
00:00:18,056 --> 00:00:21,233
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

7
00:00:21,276 --> 00:00:22,713
♪ All the things that make us

8
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,149
♪ Laugh and cry

9
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:29,589
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

10
00:00:41,079 --> 00:00:43,603
Brian, why are you dressed
like a douche

11
00:00:43,647 --> 00:00:45,692
who hangs out
with multiracial friends

12
00:00:45,736 --> 00:00:47,868
in a McDonald's commercial?

13
00:00:47,912 --> 00:00:49,217
[chuckles]:
Okay.

14
00:00:49,261 --> 00:00:51,002
All right, that'll do.

15
00:00:51,045 --> 00:00:52,656
Well, I'm heading out.
See y'all.

16
00:00:52,699 --> 00:00:54,745
Hey, Brian, that hat
makes you look like a wang.

17
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,877
Squat and white
with a dark mushroom cap,

18
00:00:56,921 --> 00:00:59,488
- like Michael Jackson.
- Is that true?

19
00:01:00,707 --> 00:01:02,535
Yes.

20
00:01:02,579 --> 00:01:04,755
Let me guess, Bri.
You're off to try and get laid

21
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,974
- at some sad nightclub.
- Shut up, Stewie.

22
00:01:07,018 --> 00:01:08,628
I'm not just out for sex.

23
00:01:08,672 --> 00:01:11,675
I want a woman who I can spend
the rest of my life with.

24
00:01:11,718 --> 00:01:13,285
I simply haven't found her yet.

25
00:01:13,328 --> 00:01:15,417
And you never will,
because the truth is,

26
00:01:15,461 --> 00:01:18,420
you're a selfish horndog who's
getting too old for the game.

27
00:01:18,464 --> 00:01:21,119
I beg to differ.
I think I've got the lingo

28
00:01:21,162 --> 00:01:23,425
of today's lady down pat.

29
00:01:23,469 --> 00:01:27,038
Hey. Might I Pinterest you
in a drink-point-oh?

30
00:01:31,695 --> 00:01:34,088
♪

31
00:01:34,132 --> 00:01:36,308
Ladies.

32
00:01:36,351 --> 00:01:38,876
How about the Verizon guy
moving over to Sprint? Huh?

33
00:01:38,919 --> 00:01:40,878
That seems kind of wack, right?

34
00:01:40,921 --> 00:01:42,662
Like, zero chill.

35
00:01:42,706 --> 00:01:44,011
I can't understand you.

36
00:01:44,055 --> 00:01:46,884
Does anyone here speak Old Dude?

37
00:01:46,927 --> 00:01:49,060
Is Bernie Sanders here
bothering you?

38
00:01:52,367 --> 00:01:53,891
- ♪
- Another bourbon, please.

39
00:01:53,934 --> 00:01:55,893
- Shut up, dick.
- Wha...?

40
00:01:55,936 --> 00:01:58,939
- Why do I come here?
- WOMAN: Tell me about it.

41
00:01:58,983 --> 00:02:01,681
He called me a dick earlier.

42
00:02:01,725 --> 00:02:03,770
- I'm Jess.
- Thanks. I'm Brian.

43
00:02:03,814 --> 00:02:05,467
Well, Jess, bottoms up.

44
00:02:05,511 --> 00:02:07,731
If you're lucky.
[chuckles]

45
00:02:08,427 --> 00:02:10,690
So, this place, uh...

46
00:02:10,734 --> 00:02:12,692
it's worse than Syria,
don't you think?

47
00:02:12,736 --> 00:02:14,694
Yes! Everything about it
is awful.

48
00:02:14,738 --> 00:02:16,783
The people, the music...

49
00:02:16,827 --> 00:02:18,698
- If you can call it music.
- If you can call it music.

50
00:02:18,742 --> 00:02:21,919
Oh, my God, we were grumpy
and bitter at the same time.

51
00:02:21,962 --> 00:02:24,269
[laughs]:
I like you, Brian.

52
00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,575
You actually say
what's on your mind.

53
00:02:26,619 --> 00:02:28,055
Hey, life's too short, right?

54
00:02:28,099 --> 00:02:29,622
[groans]
Tell me about it.

55
00:02:29,666 --> 00:02:32,407
I've been diagnosed
with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

56
00:02:32,451 --> 00:02:34,496
Oh, you know, cancer?

57
00:02:34,540 --> 00:02:36,585
Oh, my God,
I thought I smelled cancer.

58
00:02:36,629 --> 00:02:38,587
Still want to go back
to my place?

59
00:02:38,631 --> 00:02:40,894
Sounds great.
Or, as young people say,

60
00:02:40,938 --> 00:02:42,940
"Hashtag yes!"

61
00:02:46,770 --> 00:02:48,772
[crickets chirping]

62
00:02:50,251 --> 00:02:51,775
[kissing]

63
00:02:53,472 --> 00:02:54,952
[exhausted sighs]

64
00:02:54,995 --> 00:02:56,867
- Whew!
- That was incredible.

65
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:59,957
And hey, sorry I barked
when you took your pants off.

66
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,393
I thought it was a squirrel.

67
00:03:01,436 --> 00:03:02,611
Ready to go again?

68
00:03:02,655 --> 00:03:03,743
Oh, I need time.

69
00:03:03,787 --> 00:03:06,093
I'm still recovering
from that one thing you did

70
00:03:06,137 --> 00:03:08,530
that was so obscene,
it couldn't even be described

71
00:03:08,574 --> 00:03:10,794
on lame, dying network TV.

72
00:03:10,837 --> 00:03:12,578
Have you always been so...

73
00:03:12,621 --> 00:03:14,972
Freaky? No.
But when I got my diagnosis,

74
00:03:15,015 --> 00:03:18,802
I made a bucket list
of wild sex stuff I want to try.

75
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:22,109
Jess, I would like
to help you cross off

76
00:03:22,153 --> 00:03:24,198
every single item on this list.

77
00:03:24,242 --> 00:03:26,548
Aw. You would do that for me?

78
00:03:26,592 --> 00:03:28,028
All except for number 17.

79
00:03:28,072 --> 00:03:29,595
I'm allergic to chocolate.

80
00:03:29,638 --> 00:03:32,032
But isn't that
only if you eat it?

81
00:03:32,076 --> 00:03:34,905
You know what?
Let me make a phone call.

82
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,603
♪

83
00:03:45,611 --> 00:03:47,091
♪ Oh...

84
00:03:50,442 --> 00:03:52,444
♪ Yeah!

85
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:10,549
[music fades]

86
00:04:13,030 --> 00:04:15,032
Brian, I'm glad
your girlfriend could join us

87
00:04:15,075 --> 00:04:17,164
- for dinner tonight.
- Thanks, Lois.

88
00:04:17,208 --> 00:04:19,166
And when she gets back
from the bathroom,

89
00:04:19,210 --> 00:04:21,168
none of you say anything
about cancer.

90
00:04:21,212 --> 00:04:23,431
I'm serious. I really enjoy
spending time with this woman,

91
00:04:23,475 --> 00:04:25,607
and I don't want you
ruining it for me.

92
00:04:25,651 --> 00:04:27,609
- Okay, okay, promise.
- Of course. We got it.

93
00:04:27,653 --> 00:04:29,220
Lois, you didn't have to go
through all this trouble.

94
00:04:29,263 --> 00:04:32,223
It's like a whole
Thanksgiving dinner.

95
00:04:32,266 --> 00:04:33,964
Oh, it's no problem, Jess.

96
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:35,487
We're happy to have you.

97
00:04:35,530 --> 00:04:37,881
Chris, pass me
a turkey leg, would you?

98
00:04:37,924 --> 00:04:39,447
I prefer the limbs.

99
00:04:39,491 --> 00:04:41,841
I got a "limb fo' Ma."

100
00:04:41,885 --> 00:04:45,105
Uh, let's stop talking
about the food. All right?

101
00:04:45,149 --> 00:04:46,977
Anyone seen
any good movies lately?

102
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,848
I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.

103
00:04:48,892 --> 00:04:50,850
Oh, man, I love
every Tom Hanks movie,

104
00:04:50,894 --> 00:04:52,417
except The Terminal.

105
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,419
There's nothing worse than
when you're flipping channels,

106
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,421
and you're like,
"Oh, God, it's Terminal.

107
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,726
"Don't say it's Terminal.

108
00:04:57,770 --> 00:04:59,641
"God, what have I done
to deserve this?

109
00:04:59,685 --> 00:05:01,643
Why does it have to be
Terminal?!"

110
00:05:01,687 --> 00:05:04,559
Sir, I will tell you
a great Tom Hanks movie:

111
00:05:04,603 --> 00:05:06,953
Catch Me If You Can, sir.

112
00:05:06,997 --> 00:05:09,129
You have literally
never called Peter "sir."

113
00:05:09,173 --> 00:05:11,479
Well, I've never told you
that I can't throw a boomerang,

114
00:05:11,523 --> 00:05:12,959
but it's true.

115
00:05:19,009 --> 00:05:20,880
See? I told you. But at least
I don't have cancer,

116
00:05:20,924 --> 00:05:22,969
- like your girlfriend.
- That's it.

117
00:05:23,013 --> 00:05:24,623
I'm getting you out of here.

118
00:05:25,711 --> 00:05:27,713
[crickets chirping]

119
00:05:29,758 --> 00:05:32,109
I like your family.
They're scumbags.

120
00:05:32,152 --> 00:05:34,154
I like you.

121
00:05:35,155 --> 00:05:36,896
No, Jess...

122
00:05:36,940 --> 00:05:38,680
I really like you.

123
00:05:38,724 --> 00:05:41,727
I can't remember the last time
I felt this happy.

124
00:05:41,770 --> 00:05:44,773
♪

125
00:05:46,775 --> 00:05:48,777
[Brian moaning softly]

126
00:05:50,736 --> 00:05:52,259
I feel dizzy.

127
00:05:52,303 --> 00:05:53,695
Me, too.

128
00:05:53,739 --> 00:05:56,133
This all happened so fast, I...

129
00:05:56,176 --> 00:05:57,656
Jess? Are you okay?

130
00:05:59,614 --> 00:06:00,746
Jess?

131
00:06:00,789 --> 00:06:02,748
Are you guys still leaving?

132
00:06:02,791 --> 00:06:04,793
Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

133
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,148
[sighs]

134
00:06:11,191 --> 00:06:12,889
♪

135
00:06:15,587 --> 00:06:16,893
[door opens]

136
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:19,504
Wait, where's Dr. Hartman?

137
00:06:19,547 --> 00:06:21,506
I'm afraid Jess's condition
is too serious

138
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,508
to be announced by Dr. Hartman.

139
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,945
So they sent me, Dr. Gravitas.

140
00:06:25,989 --> 00:06:28,034
- Oh... boy.
- Uh-oh.

141
00:06:28,078 --> 00:06:29,949
Jess, I'll come right out
and say it.

142
00:06:29,993 --> 00:06:31,777
The cancer did not respond
to treatment

143
00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:33,953
and has spread
throughout your body.

144
00:06:33,997 --> 00:06:36,347
You've got approximately
two weeks left to live.

145
00:06:36,390 --> 00:06:38,001
Oh, my God.

146
00:06:38,044 --> 00:06:39,176
Oh...

147
00:06:39,219 --> 00:06:40,960
[sobbing]

148
00:06:41,004 --> 00:06:43,049
[sighs]
I'm so sorry, Jess.

149
00:06:43,093 --> 00:06:44,877
If there's anything I can do...

150
00:06:44,921 --> 00:06:46,226
No, you've been great.

151
00:06:46,270 --> 00:06:48,968
I mean, you don't even
need to be here right now.

152
00:06:49,012 --> 00:06:50,535
I'm just some woman

153
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,972
who never got to have
the career she wanted

154
00:06:53,016 --> 00:06:55,366
or get married or have kids.

155
00:06:55,409 --> 00:06:56,933
[sobbing]

156
00:06:58,282 --> 00:07:01,154
One of those things...
you can do.

157
00:07:01,198 --> 00:07:02,982
It would be my honor

158
00:07:03,026 --> 00:07:04,984
if you spent
the rest of your life

159
00:07:05,028 --> 00:07:06,203
as my bride.

160
00:07:06,246 --> 00:07:09,075
Oh, Brian. Yes!

161
00:07:09,119 --> 00:07:12,122
♪

162
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:14,124
[phone rings]

163
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,995
Oh, this is my vet.

164
00:07:16,039 --> 00:07:17,214
Hello?

165
00:07:17,257 --> 00:07:18,606
Oh, great.

166
00:07:18,650 --> 00:07:20,086
Well, some good news.

167
00:07:20,130 --> 00:07:22,219
That chocolate thing
from the bucket list?

168
00:07:22,262 --> 00:07:24,264
We're all good.
Let's do it.

169
00:07:24,308 --> 00:07:27,659
Toblerone probably isn't
the best thing for this.

170
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,843
Brian? It would mean
the world to me

171
00:07:37,886 --> 00:07:40,367
if you wore my tux
from when I got married.

172
00:07:40,411 --> 00:07:41,803
I love you, buddy.

173
00:07:41,847 --> 00:07:44,284
Yeah, I'm not wearing
a fat guy's old clothes.

174
00:07:44,328 --> 00:07:47,287
And... Wha... Is this a flap
on the butt of these pants?

175
00:07:47,331 --> 00:07:49,072
Yup.
In case of emergencies.

176
00:07:49,115 --> 00:07:51,161
My invention.
Called it the Suit-Chute.

177
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,815
Got it patented in '97
and went into business.

178
00:07:53,859 --> 00:07:55,948
Shot a local commercial
and everything.

179
00:07:55,992 --> 00:07:58,124
I'm Peter Griffin,
inventor of the Suit-Chute.

180
00:07:58,168 --> 00:07:59,734
Are you about to walk
down the aisle

181
00:07:59,778 --> 00:08:01,040
and afraid
you'll leave it brown?

182
00:08:01,084 --> 00:08:03,260
Did you eat creamy soup
just before the opera?

183
00:08:03,303 --> 00:08:05,175
Are you George Brett
at an awards ceremony?

184
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:07,307
Then you need a tux
with the Suit-Chute.

185
00:08:07,351 --> 00:08:09,266
Don't take my word for it.

186
00:08:09,309 --> 00:08:13,052
Ask famous Hollywood actor-
slash-pants filler Dennis Franz.

187
00:08:13,096 --> 00:08:15,185
On NYPD Blue,
I'm known for packin' heat.

188
00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,752
But every year
when I go to the Emmys,

189
00:08:17,796 --> 00:08:21,060
the heat I'm packin'
is clumpy and smells terrible.

190
00:08:21,104 --> 00:08:23,497
Not anymore,
thanks to the Suit-Chute.

191
00:08:23,541 --> 00:08:25,195
And the winner is...

192
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:27,588
your socks and shoes.

193
00:08:31,114 --> 00:08:33,899
The business died,
and I lost $200,000, Brian.

194
00:08:33,942 --> 00:08:35,205
Want to know why?

195
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:38,121
"555" means it is not
an actual phone number.

196
00:08:38,164 --> 00:08:40,166
I truly wish I had known that.

197
00:08:42,342 --> 00:08:44,692
Brian, I want nothing to do
with this sham wedding.

198
00:08:44,736 --> 00:08:47,347
So if you're going to ask me
to be your best man, don't.

199
00:08:47,391 --> 00:08:49,480
I'm not. I want you to be
the ring bearer,

200
00:08:49,523 --> 00:08:51,351
and wear a vest
and a boutonniere

201
00:08:51,395 --> 00:08:53,527
- and carry a satin pillow...
- Sold, sold. Yes, I'm in.

202
00:08:53,571 --> 00:08:55,225
But it's still wrong.
There's no way

203
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,270
you'd be marrying this woman
if she wasn't going to die

204
00:08:57,314 --> 00:08:59,316
- in two weeks.
- Oh, come on!

205
00:08:59,359 --> 00:09:00,926
Did you know
that Lois was so moved

206
00:09:00,969 --> 00:09:03,972
she called Channel Five
to do a profile of me and Jess?

207
00:09:04,016 --> 00:09:07,150
And now get out your tissues,
it's a real-life Quahog version

208
00:09:07,193 --> 00:09:09,239
of The Fault in Our Stars,

209
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:12,677
the novel and hit movie your
gay nephew quotes on Facebook.

210
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,679
♪

211
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,463
My name is Jess.

212
00:09:16,507 --> 00:09:18,161
I have cancer.

213
00:09:18,204 --> 00:09:20,902
But cancer doesn't have me.

214
00:09:20,946 --> 00:09:22,295
My name is Brian.

215
00:09:22,339 --> 00:09:23,905
I have a disease...

216
00:09:23,949 --> 00:09:25,472
called love.

217
00:09:25,516 --> 00:09:27,474
It may have started
in my penis,

218
00:09:27,518 --> 00:09:29,824
but it spread to my heart.

219
00:09:29,868 --> 00:09:32,653
♪

220
00:09:35,265 --> 00:09:38,268
And, Brian, when you learned
Jess had only weeks to live,

221
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:39,921
you proposed.

222
00:09:39,965 --> 00:09:41,706
Yep. Got in
right under the wire.

223
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,752
No one's ever loved me
like Brian does.

224
00:09:44,796 --> 00:09:48,147
You know, sometimes at night I
just watch Jess sleep for hours.

225
00:09:48,191 --> 00:09:50,628
And I go, "Hey. Hey, you alive?"

226
00:09:50,671 --> 00:09:53,283
And she says, "Yeah," and
then I go, "All right, good."

227
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:55,285
[sniffles]
I'm, uh... I'm sorry.

228
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,897
[chuckles]
I'm sorry to be a puss.

229
00:10:00,420 --> 00:10:01,943
Hey, pal.

230
00:10:01,987 --> 00:10:04,250
Listen, I kn-I know
we've had our differences,

231
00:10:04,294 --> 00:10:07,253
- but you're a good guy.
- Thank you, Quagmire.

232
00:10:07,297 --> 00:10:09,777
Listen, I want to throw you
the wildest bachelor party

233
00:10:09,821 --> 00:10:11,823
of all time.
It's gonna be crazier

234
00:10:11,866 --> 00:10:15,000
than whatever Kanye West is
doing at this particular moment.

235
00:10:15,043 --> 00:10:17,394
I'm giving this lasagna
a massage

236
00:10:17,437 --> 00:10:19,657
while preparing to announce
I'm joining ISIS.

237
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,789
Thank you for your interest.

238
00:10:26,446 --> 00:10:28,187
This is delicious.

239
00:10:28,231 --> 00:10:30,189
Hmm. I still think
the butter cream

240
00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:32,235
was the best cake
I've thrown up so far.

241
00:10:32,278 --> 00:10:34,367
Oh, speaking of which. Mwah!

242
00:10:35,716 --> 00:10:37,805
Excuse me,
I don't mean to bother you.

243
00:10:37,849 --> 00:10:40,547
A-Are you the dog
who's marrying the cancer girl?

244
00:10:40,591 --> 00:10:42,419
Oh, uh, yeah, I am.

245
00:10:42,462 --> 00:10:44,986
Oh, my God, we saw you
on the news last night!

246
00:10:45,030 --> 00:10:47,467
You are just the best person.
I can't even.

247
00:10:47,511 --> 00:10:48,773
How's she doing?

248
00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:50,078
Honestly, not well.

249
00:10:50,122 --> 00:10:52,080
She's only got ten days.

250
00:10:52,124 --> 00:10:54,561
So in ten days you'll be alone?

251
00:10:54,605 --> 00:10:56,041
I guess.

252
00:10:56,084 --> 00:10:57,564
Well, maybe not.

253
00:10:57,608 --> 00:10:59,218
I'll give you my number.

254
00:10:59,262 --> 00:11:01,829
Here, I'll put my number in
with my tongue.

255
00:11:01,873 --> 00:11:05,006
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

256
00:11:05,050 --> 00:11:06,834
I'm not sure that's
a complete number,

257
00:11:06,878 --> 00:11:10,055
but I'm gonna call you first.

258
00:11:10,098 --> 00:11:11,448
Wow. I haven't gotten
this kind of attention

259
00:11:11,491 --> 00:11:13,754
since I went to see
The Peanuts Movie.

260
00:11:15,147 --> 00:11:16,235
- Look.
- There he is.

261
00:11:16,279 --> 00:11:17,628
That's him.

262
00:11:17,671 --> 00:11:20,892
That's the guy who peed
in his empty soda cup.

263
00:11:20,935 --> 00:11:23,373
[crying]

264
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:26,332
[organ music playing]

265
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:32,251
Hello, Brian,
I'm Jess's mother, Helen.

266
00:11:32,295 --> 00:11:33,470
Oh, hey.

267
00:11:33,513 --> 00:11:35,515
L-Listen, I've been
wanting to talk to you.

268
00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:38,257
I-I was thinking maybe you could
move in with me and Jess,

269
00:11:38,301 --> 00:11:41,347
because I-I know you'd want to
be with her for her final days.

270
00:11:41,391 --> 00:11:42,827
Well, now, thank you, Brian.

271
00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,307
That is such a sweet offer.

272
00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:45,743
I would love to be there.

273
00:11:45,786 --> 00:11:47,397
Now, you have a blessed day.

274
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:50,269
[chuckling]:
Oh... Oh, no.

275
00:11:55,143 --> 00:11:56,623
We's all gathered here

276
00:11:56,667 --> 00:12:00,105
to join this couple
in holy matrimony.

277
00:12:00,148 --> 00:12:01,672
[sighs]
Yet another wedding

278
00:12:01,715 --> 00:12:04,240
I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.

279
00:12:06,111 --> 00:12:08,287
We's just waiting
for his mama to die.

280
00:12:08,331 --> 00:12:10,463
[singsongy]:
We've written our own vows.

281
00:12:10,507 --> 00:12:12,335
PETER:
Oh, no.

282
00:12:12,378 --> 00:12:14,859
Brian, I...
I haven't known you that long.

283
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:16,382
But these past weeks,

284
00:12:16,426 --> 00:12:19,429
I feel like you've given me
a lifetime of love.

285
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,866
I vow to honor you
and cherish you

286
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,868
until the day I die,

287
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:25,522
a week from Wednesday.

288
00:12:25,565 --> 00:12:28,568
I'm so happy to place this ring

289
00:12:28,612 --> 00:12:32,050
on the weird dog thumb you have
halfway up your arm.

290
00:12:36,576 --> 00:12:39,797
Jess, I wish we had
a million years together.

291
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,799
But what we have is this moment,

292
00:12:41,842 --> 00:12:44,323
and I wouldn't trade it
for anything.

293
00:12:44,367 --> 00:12:48,545
With this ring, I vow to honor
you and cherish you...

294
00:12:48,588 --> 00:12:50,547
for the rest of the month.

295
00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:54,551
Ma'am, do you take this doggie
to be your husband?

296
00:12:54,594 --> 00:12:55,682
I do.

297
00:12:55,726 --> 00:12:56,901
Yay!

298
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,119
How about you, doggie?

299
00:12:58,163 --> 00:12:59,338
Samesies?

300
00:12:59,382 --> 00:13:00,339
I do.

301
00:13:00,383 --> 00:13:01,906
Yay, again!

302
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,169
By the power bottom
vested in me,

303
00:13:04,212 --> 00:13:07,346
I now pronounce y'all
husband and wife.

304
00:13:07,390 --> 00:13:08,739
Kiss!

305
00:13:10,175 --> 00:13:12,830
WOMAN:
Aw.

306
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:19,358
Everyone!
Your attention, please!

307
00:13:19,402 --> 00:13:21,012
Dr. Gravitas?

308
00:13:21,055 --> 00:13:22,143
That's right.

309
00:13:22,187 --> 00:13:24,494
I want to give you two
your first gift.

310
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,365
These are your latest
test results, Jess.

311
00:13:26,409 --> 00:13:27,627
And they're remarkable.

312
00:13:27,671 --> 00:13:28,541
Meaning what?

313
00:13:28,585 --> 00:13:32,023
Meaning Jess...
is going to live.

314
00:13:32,066 --> 00:13:33,938
[guests gasp, cheer]

315
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,723
♪

316
00:13:36,767 --> 00:13:40,161
Brian, we really
will be together forever.

317
00:13:40,205 --> 00:13:43,339
Forever and ever and ever!

318
00:13:45,210 --> 00:13:47,168
Can you believe this?

319
00:13:47,212 --> 00:13:48,431
What?

320
00:13:48,474 --> 00:13:50,520
Jess is gonna live.

321
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,739
I-I'm sorry, I took a-a muscle
relaxer this morning.

322
00:13:52,783 --> 00:13:54,088
Tinazidine.

323
00:13:54,132 --> 00:13:55,873
Before you drove here?!

324
00:13:55,916 --> 00:13:57,962
Yeah, I took half of one
before I got in the car.

325
00:13:58,005 --> 00:13:59,529
And then another half
at a red light.

326
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:00,965
It's fine, it's Tinazidine.

327
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,401
I-I might take another half.

328
00:14:02,445 --> 00:14:03,489
You want a half?

329
00:14:03,533 --> 00:14:05,578
Oh, no.

330
00:14:05,622 --> 00:14:08,015
Come on. It was prescribed
by a doctor

331
00:14:08,059 --> 00:14:10,191
to a guy named John Selvaggio

332
00:14:10,235 --> 00:14:12,455
who has a mailbox that he can't
see from his front yard.

333
00:14:12,498 --> 00:14:13,760
It's Tinazidine.

334
00:14:13,804 --> 00:14:15,283
Stop saying what it is.

335
00:14:15,327 --> 00:14:16,676
ANNOUNCER:
Tinazidine:

336
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,635
the white, plastic pouch
in your neighbor's mailbox

337
00:14:18,678 --> 00:14:21,289
that might be
three months of drugs.

338
00:14:26,556 --> 00:14:28,558
[dishes clinking]

339
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:32,997
Oh, my God.
It is so incredible

340
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,042
having my appetite back.

341
00:14:35,086 --> 00:14:36,435
Mm.

342
00:14:36,479 --> 00:14:38,568
I love you.

343
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:40,091
Ah, shrimp.

344
00:14:40,134 --> 00:14:41,658
It's like I'm a baby bird.

345
00:14:41,701 --> 00:14:43,399
[spits, laughs]

346
00:14:44,661 --> 00:14:47,794
This turn me on, too.

347
00:14:47,838 --> 00:14:49,840
[crickets chirping]

348
00:14:52,495 --> 00:14:54,671
[farts]

349
00:14:54,714 --> 00:14:55,889
Brian, did you hear that?

350
00:14:55,933 --> 00:14:57,064
Mm-hmm.

351
00:14:57,108 --> 00:14:58,675
Remember what the doctor said?

352
00:14:58,718 --> 00:15:02,679
Flatulence means my digestive
system is working again.

353
00:15:02,722 --> 00:15:05,333
Oh, my God,
I must have, like,

354
00:15:05,377 --> 00:15:08,293
six months worth
of cancer-farts built up.

355
00:15:08,336 --> 00:15:10,338
[short farts]

356
00:15:15,735 --> 00:15:17,694
[long fart]

357
00:15:17,737 --> 00:15:19,478
[giggles]

358
00:15:19,522 --> 00:15:21,045
MAN [in distance]:
Would you stop farting, please?

359
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,526
This is a nice hotel.

360
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:29,532
- Okay, that's the last box.
- [mewing]

361
00:15:29,575 --> 00:15:32,360
Aw, you're so glad to be back
with me, aren't you?

362
00:15:32,404 --> 00:15:33,884
Mommy was so sad

363
00:15:33,927 --> 00:15:36,626
when she had to put you all
up for adoption.

364
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,192
Yes, she was.

365
00:15:38,236 --> 00:15:40,717
Ooh, I'm going
straight to the kitchen

366
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,980
to make my favorite meal
in a tiny apartment:

367
00:15:43,023 --> 00:15:45,156
microwaved salmon.

368
00:15:45,199 --> 00:15:47,071
[short farts]

369
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,507
[farts continue
with each step]

370
00:15:48,551 --> 00:15:50,509
[sighs]

371
00:15:50,553 --> 00:15:52,293
MAN:
Welcome back, Brian.

372
00:15:52,337 --> 00:15:54,426
-[cheering, applause]
-AUDIENCE MEMBER:
That's Lou,

373
00:15:54,470 --> 00:15:57,124
the apartment manager
from when Brian moved out.

374
00:15:57,168 --> 00:15:59,692
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.

375
00:15:59,736 --> 00:16:01,694
[audience laughs]

376
00:16:01,738 --> 00:16:03,174
What?

377
00:16:03,217 --> 00:16:04,741
That's my thing I say, remember?

378
00:16:04,784 --> 00:16:06,090
Oh. Uh, no.

379
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:08,309
I-I can't imagine anyone does.

380
00:16:08,353 --> 00:16:09,659
Hey, listen,
thanks for renting to us

381
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:12,313
even though we have ten cats and
couldn't make the deposit.

382
00:16:12,357 --> 00:16:15,012
Spent, uh, pretty much
every last penny on our wedding.

383
00:16:15,055 --> 00:16:16,753
[chuckles]
Dead broke.

384
00:16:16,796 --> 00:16:19,103
Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit.

385
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:22,541
[audience laughs]

386
00:16:22,585 --> 00:16:24,587
[cheering, applause]

387
00:16:24,630 --> 00:16:27,633
- So, Bri, this...
- [applause slowly stops]

388
00:16:27,677 --> 00:16:30,114
So, Bri, this is once again
your hellhole.

389
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,811
I was going to help you move in

390
00:16:31,855 --> 00:16:34,684
but you don't really
own anything, do you?

391
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,424
Yeah, we didn't bother
to register for gifts

392
00:16:36,468 --> 00:16:38,688
because she was supposed to die!

393
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:41,386
I must say,
she's looking... healthy.

394
00:16:41,429 --> 00:16:43,693
Putting those Juicy pants
to the test.

395
00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:45,564
[whispering]: Stewie,
I've got to get out of this.

396
00:16:45,608 --> 00:16:46,913
You were right all along, okay?

397
00:16:46,957 --> 00:16:48,349
I'm not ready to be married.

398
00:16:48,393 --> 00:16:50,003
I-I gotta...
I gotta get a divorce.

399
00:16:50,047 --> 00:16:51,918
Oh, that'll go over well
after you paraded

400
00:16:51,962 --> 00:16:54,355
your "great love" around town.

401
00:16:54,399 --> 00:16:56,836
Which reminds me, your
follow-up Tom Tucker profile

402
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,359
is coming on now.

403
00:16:58,403 --> 00:16:59,839
We got countless letters

404
00:16:59,883 --> 00:17:01,711
after our profile
of the Cancer Girl

405
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:04,148
who won her sweetheart's paw
in marriage.

406
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,933
Turns out their story
has a very happy ending.

407
00:17:06,977 --> 00:17:10,371
Due to audio issues, the
following footage is subtitled.

408
00:17:10,415 --> 00:17:12,417
[continuous farting]

409
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,840
[mewing]

410
00:17:43,883 --> 00:17:45,232
Brian, look.

411
00:17:47,321 --> 00:17:48,758
- Holy...
- I know.

412
00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,673
My hair's growing back.

413
00:17:50,716 --> 00:17:52,500
What do you think?

414
00:17:52,544 --> 00:17:55,547
You look like a baby doll
found in hurricane rubble.

415
00:17:55,591 --> 00:17:57,854
Aw, I'm your baby doll.

416
00:17:57,897 --> 00:17:59,986
- [knocking]
- I'll get it.

417
00:18:00,030 --> 00:18:03,642
[quietly]: Ain't that somethin'
to flip your biscuit?

418
00:18:03,686 --> 00:18:05,426
Nothing?

419
00:18:05,470 --> 00:18:07,428
[audience member coughs]

420
00:18:07,472 --> 00:18:09,779
Oh, hey, Helen.
What are you doing here?

421
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:12,651
Coming to live with you, like
you asked me to at the wedding.

422
00:18:12,695 --> 00:18:14,784
Are-are you watching HBO?

423
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:16,568
I'm a Christian woman, Brian.

424
00:18:16,612 --> 00:18:18,309
Cancel HBO now.

425
00:18:18,352 --> 00:18:19,876
We can spend the extra money

426
00:18:19,919 --> 00:18:21,660
on the big photos
of fetuses I hold

427
00:18:21,704 --> 00:18:24,489
while I yell at people
outside Panera.

428
00:18:24,532 --> 00:18:25,925
JESS:
Mom, guess what?

429
00:18:25,969 --> 00:18:27,840
- My farts are back.
- [short high-pitched fart]

430
00:18:27,884 --> 00:18:30,713
-JESS'S MOM:
Mine never went away.
-[low fart]

431
00:18:30,756 --> 00:18:32,889
- [both laugh]
- JESS: Oh, man.

432
00:18:36,370 --> 00:18:39,460
- Uh-huh.
- So the crazy ex-girlfriend

433
00:18:39,504 --> 00:18:42,072
- sings this hilarious song.
- Uh-huh.

434
00:18:42,115 --> 00:18:43,682
It's all about how
she's having her period,

435
00:18:43,726 --> 00:18:45,684
but the other guy
she wanted to impress--

436
00:18:45,728 --> 00:18:47,512
the one who created
the social media app--

437
00:18:47,555 --> 00:18:48,905
he walks in while she's singing,

438
00:18:48,948 --> 00:18:51,472
so now he's not
into her, either.

439
00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:52,865
Uh-huh.

440
00:18:54,780 --> 00:18:58,131
- Will you get me more salsa?
- Uh-huh.

441
00:18:58,175 --> 00:18:59,916
Brian.

442
00:18:59,959 --> 00:19:01,918
Will you get me more salsa?

443
00:19:01,961 --> 00:19:03,354
Huh? Oh, uh, yeah.

444
00:19:03,397 --> 00:19:05,312
Sorry. Got it.

445
00:19:11,014 --> 00:19:12,537
They only had mild.

446
00:19:12,580 --> 00:19:14,539
[gagging]

447
00:19:14,582 --> 00:19:16,541
[coughing, choking]

448
00:19:16,584 --> 00:19:18,630
Well, I'm sorry
it's so disgusting,

449
00:19:18,674 --> 00:19:20,719
but that's all they have.

450
00:19:20,763 --> 00:19:23,287
Oh, you're gonna die if you
have to eat mild salsa?

451
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,723
Come on.

452
00:19:24,767 --> 00:19:26,725
[choking]

453
00:19:26,769 --> 00:19:28,771
Wait, are you...
Oh, my G...

454
00:19:28,814 --> 00:19:30,990
Oh, my God, are you choking?

455
00:19:31,034 --> 00:19:32,949
She's... Someone...
I don't...

456
00:19:32,992 --> 00:19:34,602
Heimlich maneuver.

457
00:19:34,646 --> 00:19:35,952
How do you do
the Heimlich maneuver?

458
00:19:35,995 --> 00:19:37,562
Come on, come on.

459
00:19:37,605 --> 00:19:40,217
Damn it. I've got one song
by Haim on my phone,

460
00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:42,132
and every time I try to type
"Heimlich", it...

461
00:19:42,175 --> 00:19:44,177
♪

462
00:19:46,179 --> 00:19:49,748
[gasping]

463
00:19:49,792 --> 00:19:52,098
Oh, my God.
Somebody call 911!

464
00:19:52,142 --> 00:19:53,621
Damn it, Fox.

465
00:19:53,665 --> 00:19:55,667
That's not an invitation
to ruin our moment

466
00:19:55,711 --> 00:19:57,974
to expand your media empire.

467
00:19:58,017 --> 00:19:59,802
[sighs]

468
00:19:59,845 --> 00:20:02,587
Son of Zorn.

469
00:20:02,630 --> 00:20:04,371
Ha.

470
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:09,637
[organ music playing]

471
00:20:16,819 --> 00:20:18,516
[crying]

472
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,914
I'd like to thank you all
for coming

473
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:28,656
to honor the memory
of my beloved wife, Jess...

474
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:30,136
Uh...

475
00:20:30,180 --> 00:20:33,400
I'm sorry, I'm just realizing
I never caught her last name.

476
00:20:33,444 --> 00:20:34,924
- JESS'S MOM: Schlotz.
- Yikes.

477
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:36,577
It was my husband's name.

478
00:20:36,621 --> 00:20:37,796
What's your maiden name?

479
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,015
Borgwort.

480
00:20:39,058 --> 00:20:40,581
PETER:
That's also bad.

481
00:20:40,625 --> 00:20:43,019
Look, all I want to say is...

482
00:20:43,062 --> 00:20:45,369
I always knew
this day was coming.

483
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,284
But what I didn't know was...

484
00:20:47,327 --> 00:20:49,895
just how much
I was gonna miss Jess.

485
00:20:49,939 --> 00:20:51,854
I would give anything

486
00:20:51,897 --> 00:20:54,160
if she were still here with me.

487
00:20:54,204 --> 00:20:55,945
[gasps]

488
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:57,381
I'm okay.

489
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,209
It's a miracle!

490
00:20:59,252 --> 00:21:01,254
[sobbing]