1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,917
♪ It seems today
that all you see♪

2
00:00:04,961 --> 00:00:08,312
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV♪

3
00:00:11,794 --> 00:00:14,753
♪ On which we used to rely?♪

4
00:00:14,797 --> 00:00:18,105
♪ Lucky there's a family guy♪

5
00:00:18,148 --> 00:00:21,717
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do♪

6
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,110
♪ All the things that make us♪

7
00:00:23,153 --> 00:00:24,633
♪ Laugh and cry♪

8
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!♪

9
00:00:37,254 --> 00:00:39,213
Why do you still read
the newspaper?

10
00:00:39,256 --> 00:00:40,779
Nobody does that anymore.

11
00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:42,303
I like to keep up on local news.

12
00:00:42,346 --> 00:00:43,782
Like the police blotter.

13
00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:46,568
Huh, most of these arrests
are Cleveland.

14
00:00:46,611 --> 00:00:48,918
And the arresting officer
is Joe Swanson.

15
00:00:48,961 --> 00:00:50,137
JOE:
Can I help you, sir?

16
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:52,226
CLEVELAND:
I'm doing my mail route, Joe.

17
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:54,228
JOE:
Maybe you'd be more comfortable

18
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:56,926
talking about it
down at the station.

19
00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:57,927
You're right.

20
00:00:57,970 --> 00:00:59,755
It ismore comfortable here.

21
00:00:59,798 --> 00:01:01,191
ANNOUNCER:
The police station:

22
00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:02,758
come for the racial profiling,

23
00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:04,847
stay for the comfort.

24
00:01:08,198 --> 00:01:10,026
Is that... is that you?

25
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,029
Oh. Yeah. A friend invited me
to this charity ball.

26
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,162
A friend? She's 100!

27
00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:17,164
What are you up to?

28
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:19,122
Nothing.
I enjoy her company.

29
00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:21,255
Older women are cultured,
worldly.

30
00:01:21,298 --> 00:01:23,605
I've got nothing
to be defensive about.

31
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Her husband passed away.

32
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,173
She appreciates my friendship.

33
00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:27,609
I'm providing companionship.

34
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Dogs are known for that.

35
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I don't like it.

36
00:01:31,874 --> 00:01:34,311
[grunts]

37
00:01:37,662 --> 00:01:40,578
Peter, I need you
to mow the lawn.

38
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It's out of control.

39
00:01:41,971 --> 00:01:43,364
I can't mow the lawn, Lois.

40
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The Friends of Distinction
are out there,

41
00:01:45,235 --> 00:01:46,758
grazing in the grass.

42
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♪

43
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♪ It sure is mellow
grazing in the grass♪

44
00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:55,854
♪ Grazing in the grass is a gas,
baby, can you dig it?♪

45
00:01:55,898 --> 00:01:59,641
♪ Everything here is so clear,
you can see it♪

46
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:03,253
♪ And everything here is
so real, you can feel it♪

47
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:04,950
[whooping]

48
00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:07,649
♪ I can dig it, he can dig it, she can dig it, we can dig it
♪

49
00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:10,565
♪ They can dig it, you can
dig it, oh, let's dig it♪

50
00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:13,220
♪ Can you dig it, baby?♪

51
00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:15,004
Oh, let me get in on that!

52
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,310
[singing stops]

53
00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:18,877
Where'd they go?

54
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:20,879
[knocking]

55
00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:23,230
DONNA:
Cleveland? You okay in there?

56
00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:24,405
Cleveland!

57
00:02:24,448 --> 00:02:25,841
Wha-Wha-What? What?

58
00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:28,670
Oh. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

59
00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:31,194
Mmm, that was
a good toilet dream

60
00:02:31,238 --> 00:02:34,110
about my neighbor and his lawn.

61
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,677
Peter, I don't care
who's grazing.

62
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,113
The lawn looks terrible.

63
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,245
Get out there and mow it.

64
00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,682
Why can't Chris mow it?
He's old enough.

65
00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:42,249
Look, I'm all for Chris
mowing the lawn,

66
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:43,641
but you got to teach him.

67
00:02:43,685 --> 00:02:45,077
Fine, I'll do it tomorrow.

68
00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:47,254
After my weekend job
as a zookeeper

69
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,343
with very muscular thighs.

70
00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:51,127
"Thigh" there,
nice to see you all.

71
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:54,130
As you can see right here
and here,

72
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,219
I am qualified
to be a zookeeper.

73
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:57,438
This is my friend Frederick.

74
00:02:57,481 --> 00:02:59,875
And I'm sure you're all
wondering how much I can squat.

75
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:02,138
For that answer, you'll have
to go to my Instagram,

76
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,705
YourThighness99.

77
00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:06,055
Now, I'd like to open up
the floor for questions.

78
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:08,318
-Yes, what food does the bird...
-Not about the bird!

79
00:03:08,362 --> 00:03:10,494
Now, who wants to see me jump
over this fence

80
00:03:10,538 --> 00:03:11,713
from a standing start?

81
00:03:11,756 --> 00:03:15,456
Let me scooch these shorts up
a little "thigher."

82
00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:16,935
Look out, elephants!

83
00:03:16,979 --> 00:03:19,155
-[thuds]
-[elephants trumpeting]

84
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:22,332
So, everybody happy
they went to the zoo?

85
00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:23,638
[chuckles]
No?

86
00:03:23,681 --> 00:03:26,467
Well, that's the zoo.

87
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:28,208
[crickets chirping]

88
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,956
Is that a diamond-encrusted
watch fob?

89
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,741
This? Oh, yeah, I-I've had this.

90
00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:42,439
Nobody's owned one of those
for 80 years!

91
00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:44,963
What are you up to?

92
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,443
You already did this.

93
00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:48,315
I'm not trying
to show skepticism.

94
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:49,533
My head is too heavy!

95
00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:53,798
I heard the doctor whisper
to Lois, "3,000th percentile."

96
00:03:57,802 --> 00:04:00,196
Okay, Chris, now, if you're
gonna learn how to mow a lawn,

97
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:03,199
the first lesson is that
you always start by 7:00 a.m.,

98
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:06,420
before everyone wakes up,
including roosters.

99
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:07,551
[engine sputtering]

100
00:04:07,595 --> 00:04:09,510
What the...?

101
00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:10,641
Hey, shut up!

102
00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:11,773
PETER:
You shut up!

103
00:04:11,816 --> 00:04:14,210
Oh, real original.

104
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,516
Now, to start the mower,

105
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:17,082
you grab this pull cord like so

106
00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:19,215
and give it a nice hard yank.

107
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,738
[engine sputtering]

108
00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:23,654
Can I change my grip?

109
00:04:23,698 --> 00:04:26,353
[engine sputters, starts]

110
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,442
Wow, much better.

111
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:30,357
It's a more familiar motion.

112
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:34,317
For the rest, you can just watch
this how-to video on YouTube.

113
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:36,450
What's going on, guys?
I'm Corey,

114
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here to take your lawn mowing
skills to the next lev.

115
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:40,715
But, first, make sure
you subscribe to my channel,

116
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Corey's World.

117
00:04:41,977 --> 00:04:43,805
Okay, now let's start
that mower.

118
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:46,242
Did you know
Corey got recruited by ISIS?

119
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:48,940
He disappeared, and now there's
this guy doing ISIS videos

120
00:04:48,984 --> 00:04:51,160
-and they think it's Corey.
-[beeps]

121
00:04:51,203 --> 00:04:52,553
Assalamu alaikum, guys!

122
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:55,251
This is Corey, here to talk
about making a dirty bomb

123
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,732
with stuff you can find
in your kitchen.

124
00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:09,265
Great Caesar's ghost!

125
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,485
Chris anda chubby
little friend?

126
00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:14,270
It's like in my dream!

127
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,619
Hey there, Chris.

128
00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:18,492
You know, I've been looking
for a muscley-armed young fella

129
00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:19,406
to mow my lawn.

130
00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:20,842
Sorry, Mr. Herbert,

131
00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:22,844
but I don't even want
to mow this lawn.

132
00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:25,499
You could bring your friend
over there to help you.

133
00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:28,023
Come on, Herbert.
Rope this calf.

134
00:05:28,066 --> 00:05:31,026
Would $600 a week
change your mind?

135
00:05:31,069 --> 00:05:33,594
Uh, would it?
[chuckles] You got a deal!

136
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:35,770
And I can pay you
under the table.

137
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:38,207
I like to make a little fort
under there.

138
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:40,949
I call it Fort Dix.

139
00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:42,516
Did you hear that, Dad?

140
00:05:42,559 --> 00:05:44,518
He'll pay us $600!

141
00:05:44,561 --> 00:05:47,999
Uh, yeah, did-did you not hear
about Fort Dix?

142
00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:52,787
[playing classical music]

143
00:05:57,139 --> 00:06:00,447
Oh, Admiral, you've been so good
to me these past weeks,

144
00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:01,970
with my husband gone

145
00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:05,103
and me alone to tend
to his massive estate.

146
00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:07,062
You know, helping you
might have been difficult

147
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:09,064
were you not
so utterly charming.

148
00:06:09,107 --> 00:06:13,068
[chuckling]:
Oh...

149
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:14,896
Plus, helping you
helps me forget

150
00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:16,245
my own country's troubles

151
00:06:16,288 --> 00:06:18,552
and my struggle to save
our national flower,

152
00:06:18,595 --> 00:06:19,901
the Masdevalliaorchid.

153
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:22,338
[gasps]
That's my favorite flower.

154
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,427
And pet charity.

155
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:25,559
[gasps]
Really?

156
00:06:25,602 --> 00:06:28,475
I've devoted my life
to raising money to save it.

157
00:06:28,518 --> 00:06:30,085
What a coincidence.

158
00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:31,565
You andthe count.

159
00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:32,566
The count?

160
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:35,133
Yes, of Monte Hall.

161
00:06:35,177 --> 00:06:37,135
We like to October in Zurich.

162
00:06:37,179 --> 00:06:39,486
Ah, yes,
the best place to October.

163
00:06:39,529 --> 00:06:42,227
The secret, however,
is to October in Zurich

164
00:06:42,271 --> 00:06:45,622
but in September, to avoid
the obnoxious Octobering crowds,

165
00:06:45,666 --> 00:06:48,059
saving October for Paris--
Novembering there--

166
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:50,061
then Decembering in Palm Beach
in November

167
00:06:50,105 --> 00:06:51,889
and, in December,
Januarying, of course,

168
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:53,500
as always, in Gstaad.

169
00:06:53,543 --> 00:06:55,589
We December in London.

170
00:06:55,632 --> 00:06:58,374
You, madame,
are a cream-faced loon.

171
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,508
Count, I don't believe
you've met the admiral.

172
00:07:01,551 --> 00:07:03,161
Well, he may be an admiral,

173
00:07:03,205 --> 00:07:06,164
but he's certainly
not admirable.

174
00:07:06,208 --> 00:07:07,383
Panty drop.

175
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,384
Swoon.

176
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,429
Commercial.

177
00:07:15,565 --> 00:07:17,959
[indistinct chatter]

178
00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:20,962
So, Admiral, you must have had
quite the military career.

179
00:07:21,005 --> 00:07:22,529
Your honors are impressive.

180
00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:25,532
Is that medal
a stretched-out carnival penny?

181
00:07:25,575 --> 00:07:27,272
Thank you for noticing, Count.

182
00:07:27,316 --> 00:07:29,361
It means a lot from a man
whose top hat

183
00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,102
looks suspiciously
like an Amazon Echo

184
00:07:31,146 --> 00:07:32,539
with a cardboard brim.

185
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,106
Why, wha-wha-what
a preposterous notion!

186
00:07:35,150 --> 00:07:37,631
-Alexa?
-No, don't say that!
-[beeps]

187
00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:39,328
-[beeps]
-What the hell
are you doing here?

188
00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:41,504
This is my scam.
Now butt out.

189
00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:42,897
Now, why would I do that, Brian?

190
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:44,594
These old bags are going to die.

191
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,640
Someone's going to end up
with their money.

192
00:07:46,683 --> 00:07:47,554
[sighs]
Look, all right,

193
00:07:47,597 --> 00:07:49,381
there's no reason
to sabotage each other.

194
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:51,862
There's plenty of Newport
heiresses for the both of us.

195
00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:53,864
Maybe we could even help
each other.

196
00:07:53,908 --> 00:07:54,996
Exactly.

197
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:56,998
Two con men like us
working together?

198
00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:58,216
We'll be set.

199
00:07:58,260 --> 00:08:00,741
Like a passive-aggressive
alarm clock.

200
00:08:00,784 --> 00:08:02,699
CLOCK: Uh, I don't know
if you've noticed,

201
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:04,527
but the sun's been up
for, like, an hour.

202
00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:06,660
No, no, no, no,
you don't have to get up.

203
00:08:06,703 --> 00:08:07,791
Let your wife do everything.

204
00:08:07,835 --> 00:08:09,967
Just keep sleeping.
You're a good husband.

205
00:08:10,011 --> 00:08:12,753
I'm sure she doesn't fantasize
about your contractor,

206
00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:14,711
who's already downstairs
working on...

207
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:17,584
Well, I can't really figure out
what he's working on.

208
00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:20,282
Oh, I know: your wife.

209
00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:25,548
Hey there, Chris!

210
00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:26,897
And what's your pal's name?

211
00:08:26,941 --> 00:08:28,116
I'm Peter, sir.

212
00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:30,771
You're big for your age,
ain't ya, Petey?

213
00:08:30,814 --> 00:08:33,730
Yeah. Doctor says
I eat too much candy.

214
00:08:33,774 --> 00:08:35,776
Ain't no shame in being chubby.

215
00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:37,255
You're a growing boy.

216
00:08:37,299 --> 00:08:38,909
Why, what's this?

217
00:08:38,953 --> 00:08:41,433
[gasps]
Wow! How'd you do that?

218
00:08:41,477 --> 00:08:42,696
It wasn't a trick.

219
00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:43,827
It was stuck to your neck.

220
00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:47,309
Oh, yeah. Sometimes
I fall asleep on candy.

221
00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:55,578
There she is.

222
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:58,625
The wealthiest heiress
in all of Newport.

223
00:08:58,668 --> 00:09:01,410
-The Holy Grail
for guys like us.
-Who is she?

224
00:09:01,453 --> 00:09:03,717
That's Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von Schumacher

225
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,415
Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery

226
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:08,373
Mountbatten Windsor
Armani Roosevelt

227
00:09:08,417 --> 00:09:09,723
Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst

228
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,855
Montgomery Rothchild
Johnson & Johnson

229
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:13,988
Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana
Von Zweiger

230
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:16,381
Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt

231
00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:18,688
Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your Mother

232
00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:20,821
Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley

233
00:09:20,864 --> 00:09:22,997
Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop

234
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:24,955
Chanel Remi Martin
Fitzwilliam Kennedy

235
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:27,436
Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport

236
00:09:27,479 --> 00:09:30,004
Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin

237
00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:31,962
Haverbrook Ziff Lauder
Hilton DuPont

238
00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:34,399
Kincaid Winslow Coors
Oviatt Marlborough

239
00:09:34,443 --> 00:09:36,532
Pembroke Huffington
Bush Mellon Sinclair

240
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,882
Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery

241
00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:40,754
Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew

242
00:09:40,797 --> 00:09:42,625
Chesterfield Kensington
Booth Bishop

243
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,671
Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister

244
00:09:44,714 --> 00:09:46,847
Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis.

245
00:09:46,890 --> 00:09:48,849
[gasps]
My God.

246
00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,112
You mean the heir
to the Woolworth Carrington

247
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:52,983
Von Schumacher
Chanel Astor Livingston

248
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:54,985
Compte de Saint-Exupery
Mountbatten Windsor

249
00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:56,857
Armani Roosevelt
Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst

250
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,685
Montgomery Rothchild
Johnson & Johnson

251
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:00,687
Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana
Von Zweiger

252
00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:02,689
Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt

253
00:10:02,732 --> 00:10:05,126
Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your Mother

254
00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:07,476
Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley

255
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:09,478
Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop

256
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:11,132
Chanel Remi Martin
Fitzwilliam Kennedy

257
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:13,438
Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport

258
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:15,789
Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin

259
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,878
Haverbrook Ziff Lauder
Hilton DuPont

260
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:19,923
Kincaid Winslow Coors
Oviatt Marlborough

261
00:10:19,967 --> 00:10:21,882
Pembroke Huffington
Bush Mellon Sinclair

262
00:10:21,925 --> 00:10:23,884
Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery

263
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,886
Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew

264
00:10:25,929 --> 00:10:27,757
Chesterfield Kensington
Booth Bishop

265
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,716
Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister

266
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:32,327
Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis fortune?

267
00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:33,328
Exactly.

268
00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:34,590
She goes by "Pip."

269
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,026
-Pip?
-Pip.

270
00:10:36,070 --> 00:10:38,550
Been trying
to schmooze her for months.

271
00:10:38,594 --> 00:10:40,552
The only catch is
her 95-year-old husband

272
00:10:40,596 --> 00:10:42,685
is still hanging on by a thread.

273
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,078
I can't make a move
until he dies,

274
00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:45,906
which, hopefully,
is any day now.

275
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:48,473
If we can charm her,
we'll be set for life.

276
00:10:48,517 --> 00:10:50,040
No more scraping and scavenging,

277
00:10:50,084 --> 00:10:51,868
like a laughing hyena.

278
00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:54,131
[laughs]
I don't sound desperate,

279
00:10:54,175 --> 00:10:55,829
but I'm very desperate.

280
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:59,180
[laughs]
I'm not a very capable predator.

281
00:10:59,223 --> 00:11:02,923
[laughs] My family's back
at the den waiting for me.

282
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:06,840
[laughs] I think this
is the day I starve to death.

283
00:11:06,883 --> 00:11:09,843
[laughs]
Just kidding, I have no family.

284
00:11:09,886 --> 00:11:13,716
[laughs]
But I'm a very involved uncle.

285
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,588
[laughs]

286
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:20,157
[engine sputtering]

287
00:11:20,201 --> 00:11:23,073
Dad, shouldn't we attach a bag
to the mower?

288
00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:24,858
That's too much work.
Just mow with the blower

289
00:11:24,901 --> 00:11:27,599
always pointed
toward Joe's lawn.

290
00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:34,519
Hey, will you put a bag
on that thing?

291
00:11:34,563 --> 00:11:36,913
BONNIE: Just poop into your hand
if you have to.

292
00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:39,960
I'll be down in a minute.

293
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:44,312
Hey, boys. I've got some cookies
and special grape juice for you.

294
00:11:44,355 --> 00:11:46,009
Come on and get it, Petey.

295
00:11:46,053 --> 00:11:47,924
Sweet.

296
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:53,190
But, Mr. Herbert,
you always made the cookies

297
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,976
with the large pill
in the center for me.

298
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,761
Sorry, Chris.
He just got to them first.

299
00:11:58,805 --> 00:12:02,156
I thought Iwas your favorite.

300
00:12:02,199 --> 00:12:04,201
["Torn Between Two Lovers"
playing]

301
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:12,253
♪ You mustn't think
you've failed me♪

302
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:15,996
♪ Just because
there's someone else♪

303
00:12:16,039 --> 00:12:19,216
♪ You were the first real love♪

304
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:22,393
♪ I ever had♪

305
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:27,355
♪ And all the things
I ever said♪

306
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:31,011
♪ I swear they still are true♪

307
00:12:31,054 --> 00:12:33,361
♪ For no one else♪

308
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:36,016
♪ Can have the part of me♪

309
00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:37,844
♪ I gave to you♪

310
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,807
♪ Torn between two lovers♪

311
00:12:44,851 --> 00:12:48,855
♪ Feeling like a fool♪

312
00:12:48,898 --> 00:12:51,814
♪ Loving both of you♪

313
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:55,949
♪ Is breaking all the rules♪

314
00:12:55,992 --> 00:13:00,388
♪ Torn between two lovers♪

315
00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:03,478
♪ Feeling like a fool♪

316
00:13:03,521 --> 00:13:04,958
♪ Loving you both♪

317
00:13:05,001 --> 00:13:08,570
♪ Is breaking all the rules.♪

318
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:15,011
All right,
now let's kick it up a notch.

319
00:13:15,055 --> 00:13:17,753
♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do that conga♪

320
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,973
♪ You know you can't
control yourself any longer.♪

321
00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:23,498
[grunting excitedly]

322
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:29,721
There she is.

323
00:13:29,765 --> 00:13:31,549
We just got to wait
for our chance to move in.

324
00:13:31,593 --> 00:13:33,116
Brian, look.

325
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:34,857
[coughing]

326
00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:41,124
You think this might be...
the end?

327
00:13:41,168 --> 00:13:42,865
I don't know,
but now's our chance.

328
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:46,303
[sighs]

329
00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:48,262
I hate myself for doing this.

330
00:13:50,264 --> 00:13:54,659
Is that a Cats Protective League
pin on your lapel?

331
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,226
-Why, yes.
-[gasps]

332
00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:58,533
It's my favorite charity.

333
00:13:58,576 --> 00:14:00,274
I love cats.

334
00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:03,146
I've devoted my life
to helping them.

335
00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:04,974
I like this party.

336
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:06,671
Pussies.

337
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,760
-Cock.
-Cock.

338
00:14:08,804 --> 00:14:11,938
I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but my husband is feeling ill

339
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:13,940
and stepped
into the men's locker room.

340
00:14:13,983 --> 00:14:17,030
Would you be so kind
as to check on him?

341
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:19,902
-Well, I'm not sure
if we'll be able to find him.
-Don't worry.

342
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:23,384
I've got a very thick, yellow
toenail finder app on my phone.

343
00:14:24,428 --> 00:14:26,213
[beeps]

344
00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:29,912
SENSOR:
Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.

345
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:32,175
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew,
ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

346
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:34,003
Ew!

347
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:35,135
STEWIE:
Got him.

348
00:14:35,178 --> 00:14:37,746
Do you think he's dead?

349
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,924
QUAGMIRE: Get the hell out
of my face, Brian.

350
00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:43,273
Wha... Quagmire?

351
00:14:43,317 --> 00:14:45,406
No. Quagmire!

352
00:14:45,449 --> 00:14:47,625
-That's what I said.
-Oh. Oh, sorry.

353
00:14:47,669 --> 00:14:49,801
I didn't, I didn't hear you,
'cause of the prosthetics.

354
00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:52,108
Hey, just checking to see
if the old man is dead.

355
00:14:52,152 --> 00:14:54,937
-Oh, hey, guys.
-Geez, how many of us
are doing this con?

356
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:58,201
I've got no chance, have I?
A tertiary character like me.

357
00:14:58,245 --> 00:15:00,943
You most certainly do not.
I don't even think

358
00:15:00,987 --> 00:15:02,510
we're going to give you
the dance you rehearsed.

359
00:15:02,553 --> 00:15:04,555
[orchestra swells]

360
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:14,565
-You'reMargaret's husband?
-That's right.

361
00:15:14,609 --> 00:15:16,393
Listen, rookie,
you're out of your league.

362
00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:19,179
You think you know how to bang
a woman who's seen a dodo bird?

363
00:15:19,222 --> 00:15:20,615
Wait, but how
can you be married?

364
00:15:20,658 --> 00:15:22,182
You don't even live together.

365
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:24,097
She's old. She says,
"You weren't here yesterday."

366
00:15:24,140 --> 00:15:26,099
I say, "Yes, I was."
And that's it.

367
00:15:26,142 --> 00:15:28,840
Well, you've clearly invested
a lot of time into this.

368
00:15:28,884 --> 00:15:31,626
And yet two fellows like us
with loose lips

369
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:33,541
could cause it all
to fall apart.

370
00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:35,325
-Who's this trombone?
-I'm the guy

371
00:15:35,369 --> 00:15:38,589
who enjoyed like hell
shopping for this little ruse.

372
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:41,331
[sighs] Look, there's plenty
of money to go around,

373
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:43,116
and I don't know how much more
of this I can take,

374
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:44,769
so I'll make a deal
with you guys.

375
00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:46,771
If you can help me
"wrap this up,"

376
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:48,991
if you know what I mean--
take her skydiving,

377
00:15:49,035 --> 00:15:51,994
something that might, you know,
overwhelm her elderly heart--

378
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,648
I'll split the estate
with you two.

379
00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:56,999
But unless you're prepared
to kill her, get the hell out.

380
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,132
All right, I got to run.
It's her birthday.

381
00:15:59,175 --> 00:16:00,698
♪ Happy birthday♪

382
00:16:00,742 --> 00:16:03,440
♪ Dear Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von Schumacher♪

383
00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:06,356
♪ Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery...♪

384
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,706
I'm, uh, just gonna hang here
for a minute.

385
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,012
♪ Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst♪

386
00:16:10,056 --> 00:16:12,232
♪ Montgomery Rothchild
Johnson & Johnson♪

387
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,582
♪ Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana
Von Zweiger♪

388
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:17,411
♪ Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt♪

389
00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:18,673
♪ Lannister Van Buren
Butterworth♪

390
00:16:18,716 --> 00:16:20,022
♪ How I Met Your Mother♪

391
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:22,894
♪ Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley♪

392
00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:25,462
♪ Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop♪

393
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:28,248
♪ Chanel Remi Martin
Fitzwilliam Kennedy♪

394
00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:31,294
♪ Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport♪

395
00:16:31,338 --> 00:16:34,297
♪ Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin♪

396
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:37,039
♪ Haverbrook Ziff Lauder
Hilton DuPont♪

397
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:39,694
♪ Kincaid Winslow Coors
Oviatt Marlborough♪

398
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:42,088
♪ Pembroke Huffington
Bush Mellon Sinclair♪

399
00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:45,091
♪ Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery♪

400
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:47,745
♪ Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew♪

401
00:16:47,789 --> 00:16:50,052
♪ Chesterfield Kensington
Booth Bishop♪

402
00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:52,620
♪ Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister♪

403
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:56,189
♪ Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis...♪

404
00:16:56,232 --> 00:16:58,191
That's a...

405
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:01,194
that's a freshly oiled hinge.

406
00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:08,331
[Herbert and Peter laughing]

407
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:12,248
Petey, let's play horsey.

408
00:17:13,293 --> 00:17:15,251
[Peter giggling]

409
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:17,297
That's it!

410
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:21,649
It's time you did all the work
and I goof off with Mr. Herbert.

411
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:23,216
Like hell it is.

412
00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:25,261
[Peter and Chris grunting]

413
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:33,182
Jesse, is this really happening?

414
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,445
You're going down, old man.

415
00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:37,795
I ain't the one going down.
You'regoing down.

416
00:17:37,839 --> 00:17:40,320
No way.
I'm gonna pound your ass!

417
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:43,236
You're seeming kind of cocky,
and I hate cocky.

418
00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:44,802
Boo, cocky!

419
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:46,761
Oh!

420
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:48,806
[both grunting]

421
00:17:52,158 --> 00:17:55,248
Why are you being
such a jerk, Dad?

422
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:57,467
D-D-D-D-D-Dad?

423
00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:59,991
Yeah, this is my dad.

424
00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:02,037
[moans]

425
00:18:05,432 --> 00:18:09,131
Well, he often said he wanted
to explode all over me.

426
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:10,785
He finally did.

427
00:18:10,828 --> 00:18:12,613
Sorry I got jealous, Dad.

428
00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:14,484
That's all right, Chris.

429
00:18:14,528 --> 00:18:17,270
Hey, did you get a little
aroused when we were wrestling?

430
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:19,010
-No.
-Me, neither.

431
00:18:27,454 --> 00:18:31,153
I am Herbert!

432
00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,155
[ice cream truck music playing]

433
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:35,201
-[kids laughing]
-I am Herbert.

434
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:38,334
I am Herbert. I am Herbert.

435
00:18:42,686 --> 00:18:44,210
Good Quahog, evening.

436
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:45,950
Uh, let's, uh,
let's do that again.

437
00:18:45,994 --> 00:18:49,171
Good evening, Hog-quo,
I'm Tucker Tom. Nope.

438
00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:51,869
Good aftereveningnoon,
HogTom, Quo I'merTuck.

439
00:18:51,913 --> 00:18:53,741
Quo Goodningnoon, TomerTuck,

440
00:18:53,784 --> 00:18:56,178
I'm ningningafterevenQuo,
Noonhog.

441
00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:57,527
Our top story:

442
00:18:57,571 --> 00:19:00,182
Newport's wealthiest heiress,
Margaret Woolworth--

443
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:01,792
holy God,
I'm not reading all that--

444
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:05,405
was found dead in her home
of an apparent heart attack.

445
00:19:05,448 --> 00:19:07,450
-Did you...?
-No. Did you?

446
00:19:07,494 --> 00:19:10,192
No. You think Quagmire did?

447
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:11,454
[knock on door]

448
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:16,285
You, uh...
you guys actually did it.

449
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:18,679
And made it look
like a heart attack.

450
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,898
Wow. I, uh...

451
00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:22,683
I didn't think
you had it in you.

452
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:25,468
I... I guess you thought wrong.

453
00:19:25,512 --> 00:19:28,123
Listen, I-I know there's been
some bad blood between us,

454
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,994
but I-I promise,
it won't happen again.

455
00:19:30,038 --> 00:19:31,474
I hope you can forgive me.

456
00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:34,347
Well... just watch your step.

457
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:36,218
Well, a deal's a deal,

458
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:38,264
so here's your share
of the estate.

459
00:19:38,307 --> 00:19:40,309
Just sign here.

460
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:45,662
-We're rich!
-We're rich!

461
00:19:45,706 --> 00:19:48,448
[both laugh]

462
00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:49,797
We're rich, Stewie.

463
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,452
And no flip joke
can take that away.

464
00:19:52,495 --> 00:19:55,498
Gentlemen,
due to a disastrous investment

465
00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:58,371
in a Mindy Project
amusement park,

466
00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:00,242
Miss Woolworth etcetera,
etcetera,

467
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:03,245
died owing $18 million,

468
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:05,639
for which you are now liable.

469
00:20:05,682 --> 00:20:07,336
We owe money?

470
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:09,033
Look, Stewie,
it-it could be worse.

471
00:20:09,077 --> 00:20:10,600
We could be dead, like Margaret.

472
00:20:10,644 --> 00:20:12,515
You're right. Poor thing.

473
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:15,910
I guess she just died
of natural causes.

474
00:20:19,392 --> 00:20:21,307
What a couple of rubes.

475
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:24,397
I'm finally out
from under that crushing debt.

476
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,443
I suppose
I don't need this anymore.

477
00:20:29,445 --> 00:20:32,318
Yes, that's right.
It was a Meg story.

478
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:38,715
["Conga" by Miami Sound Machine
playing]

479
00:20:43,503 --> 00:20:45,635
♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga♪

480
00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:47,681
♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer♪

481
00:20:47,724 --> 00:20:49,291
♪ Feel the rhythm of the music
getting stronger♪

482
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:50,858
♪ Don't you fight it
till you've tried it♪

483
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:52,163
♪ Do the conga beat♪

484
00:20:52,207 --> 00:20:55,906
♪ Everybody, gather 'round now♪

485
00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:58,561
♪ Let your body
feel the heat...♪

486
00:21:32,726 --> 00:21:34,858
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH