1 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:12,046 (clears throat) 2 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,349 Webster's defines "class" as "a group of students 3 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:19,220 gathered at a pre-ordained time for the purposes of education." 4 00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:22,490 Angela pretty much epitomized class. 5 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:26,060 Who could turn the world on with her smile? Angela. 6 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,561 Who could take a nothing day 7 00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:31,165 and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Angela. 8 00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:34,202 So no one told you life was gonna be this way. 9 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:36,937 Angela. 10 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:40,908 Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. 11 00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:42,210 Angela. 12 00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:45,246 (singing Sanford and Son theme song) 13 00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:48,616 Angela. 14 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:51,085 I'm sorry. Death is hard for me. 15 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,887 But at least Angela died doing what she loved: 16 00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:56,857 swimming less than 20 minutes after she had eaten. 17 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,560 That's a real thing, kids. Listen to your mothers. 18 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:03,364 That was Angela. Fearless. Spontaneous. 19 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,400 Honest, about herself just as much as she was 20 00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:08,269 about the world around her. 21 00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:12,940 She had grace, courage, and an unmatched zest for life. 22 00:01:12,973 --> 00:01:15,776 She may be gone, but her voice will live on 23 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:18,146 in DVD and Hulu Plus 24 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:21,415 and tiny droid-projected messages. 25 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,884 I may have lost a boss, 26 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,920 but heaven has gained a princess. 27 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:32,793 And I am at the wrong funeral. 28 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:38,566 * It seems today that all you see * 29 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:41,935 * Is violence in movies and sex on TV * 30 00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:45,606 * But where are those good old-fashioned values * 31 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:48,476 * On which we used to rely? * 32 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:51,945 * Lucky there's a family guy * 33 00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:55,316 * Lucky there's a man who positively can do * 34 00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:56,950 * All the things that make us * 35 00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:58,752 * Laugh and cry * 36 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:03,324 * He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! * 37 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:10,130 (quiet chatter) 38 00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:12,132 Any idea what this meeting is about? 39 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:15,469 (unintelligible babbling) 40 00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:18,539 Oh, we're getting a new boss? Oh, I hope it's Hugo Boss. 41 00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,140 Then we'll all look snazzy. 42 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:21,609 ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode of Family Guy 43 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,544 is brought to you by Hugo Boss. 44 00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:25,779 Look for us in the low-trafficked corner of Macy's 45 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:28,982 between Eddie Bauer and the never-bought male jewelry. 46 00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:32,152 Attention, everyone! Do not adjust your TV sets. 47 00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:34,455 We are an interracial couple. 48 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,123 I'd like to introduce myself. 49 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:39,460 My name is Bert and this is my lovely wife Sheila. 50 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,330 Two sets of disappointed parents right there. 51 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:44,532 -Well, only her parents. -Aah! 52 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:46,567 Now that Angela's no longer with us, 53 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,536 we will be your new bosses. 54 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,571 We're splitting the job because one of the shareholders' 55 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,341 favorite songs was "Ebony and Ivory," 56 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,843 so here we are. (chuckles) 57 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,745 SHEILA: Now we know it's difficult to remember 58 00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,180 two new names, so to make things easier, 59 00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:02,816 -you can call us "Beila." -BERT: Or "Shert." 60 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,685 (Bert and Sheila laugh) 61 00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,920 Boy, I bet you she's a handful in the bedroom. 62 00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,322 Two handfuls, baby. 63 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,358 Damn it, I went all the way around the room! 64 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,526 Now, some of you may find the idea 65 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,496 of two bosses unconventional, but... 66 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,499 (alternating words): we assure you nothing will be different. 67 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:24,104 And our door will always be open to you any time of day. 68 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:28,876 And there is no issue too big or too small. 69 00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:31,579 Nice to meet all of you. 70 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:34,715 So, as our mascot Pawtucket Pat says, 71 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:38,319 "All ye Federalists, imbibe!" 72 00:03:40,087 --> 00:03:41,922 It means, "Everybody, drink." 73 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,223 ALL: Yay! 74 00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:45,359 Two bosses? This sucks. 75 00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:47,428 Well, at least it beats being home with my wife. 76 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:48,596 LOIS: Peter! 77 00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:51,432 Aah! When did we cut back home? 78 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:58,972 -Hey, Peter. -All right, Sheila, 79 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,409 let's do it right here on the desk while Bert watches. 80 00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:03,311 No, Peter, that's not what this is. 81 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,413 Sorry, I-I thought I was picking up on a vibe. 82 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,148 So, Peter, we've been tasked with making the operations 83 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,751 around here run more efficiently, 84 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:13,754 and part of that will involve reassigning people 85 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,389 based on their abilities. 86 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:18,258 We want you to be the office recyclables guy. 87 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,227 So we're gonna put a flag on you, 88 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,962 and wherever you go, people will know 89 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,465 that's where they put their recyclables. 90 00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:28,268 Please don't just throw them over. 91 00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:32,740 Well, at least make sure all the liquids are gone, please, 92 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,475 before you throw them. 93 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,946 Smithers, who is that young go-getter? 94 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,181 That's a character from another show, sir. 95 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:44,485 -Simpson, you say? -Pretty much, sir. 96 00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,791 TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Titanic 2, 97 00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,493 narrated by Al Gore. 98 00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:56,530 Iceberg, right ahead! 99 00:04:56,564 --> 00:05:00,534 AL GORE: But due to man's excessive use of fossil fuels, 100 00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,670 climate change had rendered the iceberg 101 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,038 nothing more than a small cube. 102 00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,977 Peter, why are you wearing a flag? 103 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:12,646 Eh, it's part of my job now 'cause of my new bosses. 104 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,548 Uh, is it a promotion? 105 00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:16,550 Because it doesn't look like a promotion. 106 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,986 No, it looks like an old lady's Rascal. 107 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,389 -Aah! -So, who are these new bosses? 108 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:24,692 Their names are Bert and Sheila. My job sucks now. 109 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:27,027 It's worse than when I was a dinosaur walker. 110 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:30,030 -(whistles) Hey! -What? 111 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,832 -Pick that up! -Pick what up? 112 00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,867 -That! -That? That was there. 113 00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:35,636 No, you were looking at your phone. 114 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,237 -No, I wasn't. -Yes, you were. 115 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:38,639 Sir, this is a neighborhood 116 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,674 where we respect the rules of society. 117 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,510 Ooh! Society now. Sir Thomas More up here. 118 00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:43,877 Good for you and your neighborhood. 119 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:46,346 I'm gonna take a picture of you and post it on Facebook. 120 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,416 Oh, great! I hope it gets a lot of likes. 121 00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:49,850 You know what? I forgot my bag. 122 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,552 -Ooh, you forgot your bag? -Yeah, I forgot my bag. 123 00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:53,086 But I'll be sure to come back 124 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,988 -and pick this up. -Oh, yes, I'm sure you'll be back. 125 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,824 Look, I'm only here to create an amusing comparison 126 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,392 -to my current job... -Well, bully for you. 127 00:05:58,426 --> 00:05:59,693 ...which I am, at this moment, 128 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,361 describing to my family in my living room. 129 00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:03,196 So, technically, you don't even exist. 130 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,666 Well, how do you know I wasn't telling my wife a story 131 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,868 and you're a figment of my imagination? 132 00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,370 I-I can assure you that is not the case. 133 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:13,206 ANNOUNCER: We'll be right back with more Greg in the Window. 134 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,675 PETER: Well, I'll be. 135 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,710 CHOIR: * Window! * 136 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,879 ANNOUNCER: Greg in the Window, brought to you by 137 00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,914 never-bought male jewelry. 138 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:28,088 Okay, Peter, we've got something else for you. 139 00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:31,792 We need you to taste test our new varieties of seasonal beers, 140 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,027 which will be coming down this conveyor belt. 141 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,629 Place those on this tray. 142 00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:37,230 All right, that seems easy enough. 143 00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:38,899 Also, our delivery truck drivers 144 00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,901 have to pass an annual drug test, 145 00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:43,370 so we'll need you to collect their urine samples. 146 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,405 They'll be coming down this same conveyor belt 147 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,240 in similarly colored cups, 148 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:49,577 which you will need to place on this tray. 149 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:50,978 Well, that doesn't seem like a... 150 00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,613 AUTOMATED VOICE: Belt activated. 151 00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,583 -(buzzer sounds) -Uh, showtime. 152 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:57,585 (sniffs) 153 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,820 Pumpkin, not bad. 154 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,055 (sniffs) Ugh, trucker pee. 155 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,558 -(buzzer sounds) -AUTOMATED VOICE: Belt speed increasing. 156 00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:05,726 Oh, boy. 157 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,496 (sniffs) Apple cinnamon, not bad. 158 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:10,430 (sniffs) Pee laced with meth. 159 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:13,934 (sniffs) Winter wheat. (sniffs) Lady trucker pee. 160 00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,436 -(buzzer sounds) -AUTOMATED VOICE: Belt speed maximum. 161 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,406 Ah, crap! Trucker. Trucker. 162 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,575 Oktoberfest. Trucker. 163 00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:25,412 Amber squash, yuck. Trucker. Trucker. 164 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,315 And let's hope this one was an Asparagus IPA. 165 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:35,656 Too bad about the latest sales numbers, huh? 166 00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:38,291 I don't talk to anyone standing at a urinal. 167 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,794 Too bad about the latest sales numbers, huh? 168 00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:41,962 Thanks for waiting. 169 00:07:41,995 --> 00:07:43,864 You know, our testing came back and shows 170 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,499 we're losing market share. 171 00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:48,802 Apparently, nobody can relate to our mascot Pawtucket Pat. 172 00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,871 SHEILA: Are you guys talking about work in there? 173 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:53,807 Oh, yes, come on in, honey. We've put our wangs away. 174 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,776 Did you tell him about our testing? 175 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,679 Yeah, our customers find a 300-year-old mascot 176 00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:02,015 hard to relate to; they want a regular guy. 177 00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:05,886 You know, a-a guy who'd drink a beer on a toilet. 178 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,121 (beer can opens, slurping) 179 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,723 Griffin? 180 00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,024 PETER: No. 181 00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,325 It is you, Peter. 182 00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,861 What are you doing? 183 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:16,329 Playing a game on my phone and having a beer. 184 00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,031 And, God willing, going to the bathroom. 185 00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:20,000 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 186 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:22,169 He must be (bleep) on his shirt tail? 187 00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:24,071 Ew, yes, but also, 188 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,873 that's exactly the kind of customer 189 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,507 we should be appealing to. 190 00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:30,844 I think we found our new mascot. Are you in, Peter? 191 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:33,847 May I have a moment to talk it over with my mentor? 192 00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,849 Sure. 193 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:39,019 (two loud farts) 194 00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:41,689 -I'm in. -(loud fart) 195 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,724 No. We did it. 196 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:52,933 Wow, Peter, so you're really replacing Pawtucket Pat 197 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:56,103 -as the new mascot? -Yup, I'm the new Pawtucket Pat. 198 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,038 Hey, now you and Jared from Subway 199 00:08:58,071 --> 00:08:59,539 have two things in common. 200 00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:02,542 No! No, that's not true, Meg! It's not true! 201 00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:04,377 Peter, Peter, she's garbage. She's garbage. 202 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:07,547 -Let it go. You're the king. -Yeah, garbage, yeah. 203 00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:08,916 Anyway, turn on the TV. 204 00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:12,085 They're about to play my first commercial. 205 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,926 (seagulls squawking) 206 00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,332 (barge horn blaring) 207 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,443 (Puerto Rican music playing loudly) 208 00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,578 (Peter sighs) 209 00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:40,247 ANNOUNCER: Pawtucket Patriot: 210 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,916 the perfect beer for New England beaches. 211 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,952 (thunder cracks) 212 00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:51,124 BASEBALL ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, 213 00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,927 throwing out today's ceremonial first pitch, 214 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,830 the face of the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery, 215 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,866 -Pawtucket Pat! -(crowd cheering) 216 00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:10,577 -(bones crunch) -Aah! Please kill me! 217 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,412 -Still buy the beer, though. -(crowd cheering) 218 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:16,116 BASEBALL ANNOUNCER: And now, a five-hour baseball game. 219 00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:17,617 Hey, guys, I'm Billy on the Street, 220 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,352 and I'm here with one of the biggest mascots 221 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:22,255 -in America right now. -Popular, he means. Not large. 222 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,590 Let me do my intro! 223 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,993 Okay, we're gonna go up to people and give a dollar 224 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:28,261 to everyone who recognizes you. Let's go. 225 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:31,098 Sir, sir, sir, for a dollar, do you know who this is? 226 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,466 -No. -Oh, come on, he's in a new commercial. 227 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:34,968 I don't even own a TV. 228 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:38,305 Oh, you don't own a TV? I'm very impressed! Let's go! 229 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,173 Sir, sir, quick, tell me. 230 00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:41,842 -Who is this man? -Uh... 231 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,644 Adweek magazine called him the Pitchman of the Year. 232 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,479 Who doesn't read Adweek?! 233 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,181 (panting): There's, uh, there's more running 234 00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:49,717 than I thought there'd be. 235 00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:52,352 -Oh, is he Jerry Ferrara? -Jerry Ferrara? 236 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:55,122 You mean Turtle from Entourage? You're the worst! 237 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,824 Even worse than the Entourage movie! 238 00:10:56,857 --> 00:11:00,027 Mark Wahlberg is one of our finest producers! 239 00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:02,996 I-I don't, uh, I-I don't feel comfortable doing this. 240 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:05,498 He was just getting a cup of coffee with his daughter. 241 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:08,201 -They should know you! -Hey, you're Pawtucket Pat. 242 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,037 Yes, thank you! He's Pawtucket Pat! 243 00:11:10,070 --> 00:11:11,705 Not that I watch this show. 244 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:14,808 I watch Black Mirror and The Goldbergs, and that's it! 245 00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,744 Wow, can I get a picture with you? 246 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,146 -No! -What's his problem? 247 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,849 Between you and me, I think he may need a lady friend. 248 00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:23,683 Peter, I'm famously gay! 249 00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:26,286 Oh, my God, he ran around the world. 250 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,493 Hey, so how's the whole Pawtucket Pat thing going? 251 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:34,661 Aw, it's the best. 252 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,897 Everywhere I go, people recognize me and love me. 253 00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:39,066 And the other day, I even got to hang out 254 00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:41,368 with a bunch of other famous mascots. 255 00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:44,171 So, you, uh, you really make all those cookies in that tree? 256 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,239 -They're great! -Like, the tree is wood. -Ho, ho, ho. 257 00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:48,341 Like, how does the tree not catch on fire? 258 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,377 -Hey, you want to cool it with that drumming? -Aflac. 259 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:52,412 Anyway, do you have to water your house? 260 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,747 -'Cause I would think that... -They're great! 261 00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:55,448 You know what, let's just forget the conversation 262 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,951 and just pose for the picture. 263 00:11:57,985 --> 00:12:00,287 By the way, Tony, I'm sorry your wife was shot 264 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,322 by Donald Trump's children. 265 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,593 (knock on door) 266 00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:10,063 (alternating words): Hi, Peter. It's me, Sheila, and me, Bert. 267 00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:12,866 Here's a dollar! Stop talking like that! 268 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,634 Sorry about him. We ruined people's days 269 00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:15,969 in New York earlier. 270 00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:17,704 We came by to share some great news. 271 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,039 That's right. 272 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:20,640 Your character's so popular, 273 00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:24,444 you're gonna have a balloon in the annual Quahog Parade! 274 00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:27,647 -No way. That's awesome! -Said no one ever. 275 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,783 Ah. (laughs) Yes. I've seen that on the Internet. 276 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,118 Uh, who is this? 277 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,153 Oh, that's-that's my dog, Brian. 278 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:35,422 You have a dog that makes jokes and drinks beer? 279 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:36,990 Not just any beer. 280 00:12:37,024 --> 00:12:39,059 Pawtucket Patriot Truckers Blend. 281 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:42,429 -Ah, I approved that. -Oh, this is just what we need. 282 00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:44,898 -You guys are great together. -What are you talking about? 283 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:48,836 Well, think about it, Peter. The public loves Pawtucket Pat. 284 00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:51,138 Imagine how much they'd love to know 285 00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:54,474 he has a funny sidekick dog who drinks with him. 286 00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:57,310 Wow, that could be really cool. What do you say, Brian? 287 00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,446 You're saying you need a mascot's sidekick? 288 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:00,948 Hold my beer. 289 00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,450 Uhp, that's also from the Internet. 290 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,458 Hi, I'm Bert of Bert and Sheila. 291 00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,792 And I'm Sheila. 292 00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:15,028 All right. Now, before we bring out Daughtry... 293 00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:18,465 LOIS: Hurry it up! Some of us came for Daughtry! 294 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:21,801 ...it's our pleasure to introduce Pawtucket Pat 295 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:24,771 and his new sidekick Hops McElaney, 296 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:28,041 the Alcoholic Dog. Come on, y'all! 297 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:30,143 (crowd cheering) 298 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:31,811 -Say, Brian... -"Hops." 299 00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:33,146 -Hops. -Yes, Peter? 300 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,381 -"Pat." -Pat. 301 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,716 What were you doing up on the roof last night? 302 00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:38,218 -Well, Peter... -"Pat." 303 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,887 Pat. I was up on the roof 304 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,489 because you told me drinks were on the house. 305 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,824 (cheering) 306 00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:46,159 Nice one, Brian. 307 00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:47,327 -"Hops." -Hops. 308 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,062 MAN: Let's hear more from the dog! 309 00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:50,530 CROWD (chanting): Hops! Hops! Hops! 310 00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:53,200 LOIS: And Daughtry! 311 00:13:56,703 --> 00:13:59,339 I'm sorry, sir, you can't park here. 312 00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:01,341 This spot is reserved for the brewery mascot. 313 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,143 Yeah, I am the brewery mascot. 314 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:07,014 No, you're the brewery mascot's sidekick. 315 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:12,219 What the hell? I'm the sidekick? 316 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,521 Aw, my life can't get any worse. 317 00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,223 Hey, at least you're not getting attacked 318 00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:17,925 by a goose for no reason. 319 00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:20,160 Hey, you got bread, bro? Give me that bread, bro. 320 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,494 Come on, bro. Bro. 321 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,097 (screams) Help me, Officer Goosefear! 322 00:14:30,770 --> 00:14:33,573 Guys, from now on, I need to stand this up 323 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,108 in the middle of your table. 324 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:38,045 (chuckles) Pawww yeah! 325 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,047 'Cause he's a dog. 326 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,916 Man, I hate being a sidekick to this stupid dog. 327 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:45,552 -Yeah, I can imagine, Peter. -I doubt you can, Quagmire. 328 00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:46,954 None of you can. 329 00:14:46,987 --> 00:14:48,922 -Well, I think I understand... -I'm talking, Glenn. 330 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:51,224 I doubt any of you can begin to know what it's like 331 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:52,892 to ride someone's coattails, 332 00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:55,028 to play second fiddle to some fat idiot, 333 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:57,097 to constantly be setting up someone else's... 334 00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:59,899 JOE: * It's The Joe Show * 335 00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:02,369 * Starring Joe * 336 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,537 * Doing all sorts of Joe things * 337 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:09,076 * Not your average joe, and also he can walk. * 338 00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,780 PETER: ...just a footnote to someone else's narrative. 339 00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:15,115 I tell you, this sucks worse 340 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:17,250 than being a monkey at Coachella. 341 00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:20,320 Dude, it sucks this year. There's no good bands. 342 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:23,957 -There's Bananarama. -There's, like, one good band. 343 00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:29,629 Hey, Brian, you want to go to the park? 344 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,098 The public park? 345 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,666 Uh, no, I don't think that'd be a good idea. 346 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:34,801 Because of Beaglemania. 347 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,503 -What? -My fame. 348 00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:39,739 -That's what they're calling it. -Who's calling it Beaglemania? 349 00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,275 Well, you just did. Catching on. 350 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,277 Well, leave it to you to ruin it. 351 00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:47,080 Just like Dasani ruined water. 352 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:50,850 Hey, guys, so you know how water tastes like nothing? 353 00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:55,788 Well, what if it tasted like every bottle had a nickel in it? 354 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:04,131 I want you to sign my chest. 355 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,799 And I want to hawk a loogie in your face. 356 00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,501 (snorts, spits) 357 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:11,538 I want you to sign my ass. 358 00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:14,274 And I want to hawk a loogie in your face. 359 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,443 (snorts, spits) 360 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,545 I want you to autograph my stomach. 361 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:21,048 Okay, fine, but do me a favor: don't spit on my friend. 362 00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,382 Hey, Brian? 363 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,851 Why don't you mind your own (bleep) business? 364 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:30,190 Oh, God, again with this Beaglemania? 365 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,525 -Where'd you get those T-shirts? -From Brian. 366 00:16:32,559 --> 00:16:34,461 He says it's really catching on. 367 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,564 -Well, it isn't. It's a joke. -It's no joke for him, Dad. 368 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,500 He even recorded The Bite Album. 369 00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:43,203 -(cat meowing, dog barking) -(music playing) -K-nine. K-nine. 370 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:47,174 -(wind gusting) -K-nine. K-nine. K-nine. 371 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,942 K-nine. K-nine. 372 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,315 Coming up, uncomfortable pause 373 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,384 as anchor throws to reporter in the field. 374 00:16:57,417 --> 00:17:01,020 But first, hey, hungover dads, want to go to a parade? 375 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:03,256 Does that sound like fun on a Sunday morning? 376 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:05,058 Not just being worried about your kids, 377 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:07,160 but everyone else's kids around you, too? 378 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:09,462 For more, here's Tricia Takanawa. 379 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,567 Apparently we've lost Tricia... 380 00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,870 Tom, I'm standing here outside some public toilets 381 00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:20,373 where dads who are really hurting will be vomiting 382 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:23,009 in front of their still-developing children. 383 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:26,213 The parade is tomorrow, but already the giant balloons 384 00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:30,117 are being inflated, including two newcomers this year: 385 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,385 Pepe, the alt-right frog, 386 00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:35,722 and Hops the Dog, the beloved beer pitchman. 387 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:38,057 Aw, man. Brian gets his own balloon? 388 00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,059 This can't get any worse. 389 00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:43,730 In fact, Hops is so popular that hundreds of Quahog women 390 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:46,533 have volunteered to blow up his balloon. 391 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,568 (exhaling) 392 00:17:52,239 --> 00:17:55,575 Aw, that's the cashier at the CVS I like. 393 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:58,911 ANNOUNCER 1: And here comes the marching band, 394 00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:01,248 led by baton twirler Jane Duncan, 395 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:04,817 whose aunt is famously-thin actress Bebe Neuwirth. 396 00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,953 Jane lists her hobbies as baton twirling 397 00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:09,422 and trying to contact her aunt. 398 00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,424 And, look, is that the beer mascot 399 00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:12,925 you've all been waiting for? 400 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:15,895 ANNOUNCER 2: That's right, it's Hops the Dog. 401 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:18,931 Stupid Brian. Can't even wave to the crowd right. 402 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,900 (crowd cheering) 403 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,670 Hi! Thanks for coming out. Hi! 404 00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:25,772 CROWD (chanting): Hops! Hops! Hops! 405 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:29,108 Where's Dad? He's missing this. 406 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:34,113 Say good-bye, Hops. 407 00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:35,482 HOTEL EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, sir? 408 00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:37,317 Are you a guest of the hotel? 409 00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,986 I-I, uh... I'm-I'm just here for an event. 410 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:42,189 Oh, are you part of Sarah's bridal brunch? 411 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,690 Uh, yeah. Yeah. 412 00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,858 Can't-can't believe she's heading down the aisle. 413 00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,195 Well, they're making speeches in the Santa Fe Lounge. 414 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:50,397 If you hurry, you can still get yours in. 415 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:57,470 Well, Sarah, another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. 416 00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:58,671 Who is he again? 417 00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,773 I think he's that guy from the funeral. 418 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,809 You know, part of me is glad Sarah met Henry, 419 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,312 because she and I had a pact that if neither of us 420 00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:07,314 was married by 40, we'd get hitched. 421 00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:10,450 And I think you all know how that would have gone. 422 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,151 (laughter) 423 00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:13,986 Everybody, get down! 424 00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,589 (people screaming) 425 00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,461 (screaming) 426 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,363 So, to Sarah and Henry. 427 00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,366 May they have a long and happy marriage. 428 00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,504 (people screaming) 429 00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:34,507 Tom, I'm standing here along the parade route 430 00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:37,176 where the Hops balloon has just been punctured, 431 00:19:37,210 --> 00:19:39,246 and is now raining helium 432 00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:40,413 (high-pitched): down on the crowd, 433 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:43,483 creating chaos and wreaking havoc. 434 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,551 (tires screech) 435 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,219 (high-pitched): We have an active shooter! 436 00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:48,521 I repeat, we have an active shooter! 437 00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:52,225 I can't stress the seriousness of this situation enough! 438 00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:58,831 (high-pitched): This is a disaster! 439 00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,333 (high-pitched): Brian, you're fired. 440 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,369 (high-pitched): What do you mean? This isn't my fault. 441 00:20:02,402 --> 00:20:06,038 (normal voice): I'm never drinking this beer again. 442 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:08,107 My voice is impervious to helium. 443 00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,614 * 444 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,288 What a mess, huh? 445 00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:24,090 Hey, Peter, sorry all that fame went to my head. 446 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:26,092 And I'm sorry I shot your balloon. 447 00:20:26,125 --> 00:20:27,927 How'd you get out of jail so fast? 448 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,596 I took a hostage. 449 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,598 -It's an ongoing situation. -(muffled grunting) 450 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,600 (siren whooping) 451 00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:36,569 WOMAN: Honey, close that window and come to bed. 452 00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,871 -In a minute. -Greg Mitchell, 453 00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:42,141 sometimes I feel like I married you and that window. 454 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:44,444 The two of you are more similar than you think. 455 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:45,778 And how's that? 456 00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:49,282 Well, for one thing, you're both a real pane. 457 00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:51,318 (audience laughter, applause) 458 00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:56,456 CHOIR: * Window. * 459 00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,459 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH