1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,672 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:08,008 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,042 --> 00:00:11,579 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,648 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:18,018 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:21,555 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,157 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:24,492 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:30,098 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:36,870 Hey, you guys ever check Zillow? 11 00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,539 Joe, why don't you shut the... 12 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,075 Tell me more about this silly word. 13 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:43,077 It's this website, Zillow.com. 14 00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:45,279 You plug in your address, and it gives you an estimate 15 00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:46,614 of what your house is worth. 16 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,082 But they call it a Zestimate, 17 00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:49,750 because of the "Z" in "Zillow." 18 00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:51,419 (laughs) 19 00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:53,020 How do they... 20 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:56,056 I just don't have that creative bone. 21 00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:58,459 Wow, my house is way up from when I bought it. 22 00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,461 -Mine's up, too. -What the hell? 23 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:03,364 Mine's way below what you guys's are worth. 24 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,199 Wait, this-this can't be right. 25 00:01:05,233 --> 00:01:08,269 It says... it says my house is a murder house. 26 00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,871 What, like-like someone was killed there? 27 00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:13,141 Yeah, it says... it says, in the '60s, 28 00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:16,144 some woman named Doris Billingsly died in my house. 29 00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:17,478 Probably some naggy bitch, right? 30 00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,147 -Joseph! -You know, they say 31 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:21,315 when someone dies violently like that, 32 00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,651 -their spirit can linger. -What do you mean? 33 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,320 I'm saying you might have a g-g-g-g-g... 34 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,789 disembodied spirit in your house! 35 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,124 Wow, this is so cool. 36 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:32,493 Have you ever witnessed anything strange there? 37 00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,762 Actually, now that you mention it... 38 00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:36,764 Good news! 39 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,466 The biopsy was negative. 40 00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,502 Did you hear something? 41 00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:46,474 ♪ 42 00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:54,348 Hi, Chris. 43 00:01:54,382 --> 00:01:56,350 Oh, hey, Kristen. What's up? 44 00:01:56,384 --> 00:01:58,152 Not much. I wanted to know 45 00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:00,020 if you're gonna go to the dance on Friday. 46 00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:01,955 Nah, probably not. 47 00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,424 Oh, that's too bad. 48 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:06,627 I was thinking maybe you and I could go together. 49 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,163 Oh, that's sweet, but, like I said, 50 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,432 I-I don't think I'm gonna go. 51 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,100 Well, if you change your mind... 52 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,268 I said no! 53 00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:15,869 Okay. Geez. 54 00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,205 Bye, Chris. 55 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:20,274 Uh, Chris, that very attractive girl 56 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:22,276 just asked you out, and you said no. 57 00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:25,279 Well, sorry, Brian, she just doesn't do it for me. 58 00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:26,280 I'm hungry. 59 00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,282 I might grab a bite to eat. 60 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:29,817 We all just ate, right? 61 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:31,319 What's wrong with that kid? 62 00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:32,786 Why wouldn't he go out with that girl? 63 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:33,854 Who knows? Maybe he's gay. 64 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,022 What? No. 65 00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:36,990 Well, you never know. I say we find out. 66 00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:38,326 You think he could be? 67 00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,228 Hey, I've been right about these things before. 68 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,663 Remember what I said in 2009? 69 00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,532 -Bruce Jenner is a man. -No, Brian. 70 00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:47,067 That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not. 71 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,669 Bruce Jenner is a woman. 72 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:52,740 An elegant, beautiful Dutch woman. 73 00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:55,676 (thunder crashing) 74 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:03,751 Okay, guys, now, the murder took place down here in the basement, 75 00:03:03,784 --> 00:03:07,054 so it's probably our best shot at finding something. 76 00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:09,323 I do feel a presence in the air. 77 00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:13,761 CLEVELAND: Only Lucifer would reveal himself to you, adulterer. 78 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,596 Well, now, I have to warn you fellas-- 79 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:19,433 the only spirits I'm used to chasing are whiskey and tequila. 80 00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,469 (laughing) 81 00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:26,039 That's so Joe! 82 00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:29,443 (bowling pins clacking) 83 00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,512 Wow, what's going on down here? 84 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:32,846 Trying something new for Joe. 85 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,782 And we're looking for ghosts. 86 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,351 We're like the male version of the female Ghostbusters. 87 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:39,787 Peter, there's no such thing as ghosts. 88 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:42,890 I don't know why you guys listen to a word he says. 89 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:45,393 (chuckles): That's so Lois. 90 00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:48,362 (cash register dings) 91 00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,797 All right, we ready? 92 00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,699 QUAGMIRE: Wow, it is creepy. 93 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:52,966 So, what do we do? 94 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,468 PETER: Just follow my lead. 95 00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,236 Are there any spirits present 96 00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,572 that would like to communicate with us? 97 00:03:58,606 --> 00:03:59,707 (thunder rumbles) 98 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,141 -(Peter screams) -(thumping) 99 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,676 QUAGMIRE: What the hell was that? 100 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,647 I got scared and tried to run through the wall, 101 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,549 leaving a hole shaped like me. 102 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,018 Yeah, can't do that in a basement, bud. 103 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,824 All right, fellas, I just finished up an EVP session. 104 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,659 Let's see if we picked anything up. 105 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:19,660 What's EVP? 106 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,395 Electronic voice phenomenon. 107 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:24,064 Oftentimes, the human ear can't pick up paranormal sounds, 108 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,266 but electronic recording devices can. 109 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,369 Mm. That right? 110 00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:31,772 (Peter on recording) 111 00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:36,176 (passes gas) 112 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:37,345 (gasps) 113 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:42,683 (passing gas) 114 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:45,319 Is this whole thing just you beefing into the microphone? 115 00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:46,654 Yeah. 116 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:50,924 Dad, they did this bit in the lady Ghostbusters. 117 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,394 Did you hear something? 118 00:04:56,897 --> 00:05:00,033 Stewie, I'm telling you, there's no way Chris is gay. 119 00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,669 Oh, why, because he never hit on you? 120 00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:04,037 God, the ego. 121 00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,038 (door opens) 122 00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,507 Hey, Chris. What's up? 123 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:09,543 Just relaxing, listening to some of Charles Manson's music. 124 00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,044 What's up with you guys? 125 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,381 Actually, Brian and I are taking a survey, 126 00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:15,483 and we wanted to see if you had a few minutes. 127 00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:16,550 Sure. Go ahead. 128 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:17,818 Okay, question one. 129 00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,953 What night are the Tony Awards? 130 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,556 Tony Danza has awards? 131 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,894 Name an appropriate price to pay for jeans. 132 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,262 Um, five dollars? 133 00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,500 What year did Bette Midler release 134 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,034 "You've Got to Have Friends"? 135 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,169 Oh, 1972. 136 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:39,840 And it was fabulous! 137 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:45,713 Chris, are you gay? 138 00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,981 What? No, I'm not gay. 139 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,050 Well, then why didn't you go out with that girl? 140 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,585 (chuckles) Why would I? 141 00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:55,423 I have everything I need in that department on my computer. 142 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:59,393 You have 28 windows of porn playing simultaneously? 143 00:05:59,427 --> 00:06:02,730 Sometimes I pretend I'm at the security desk at the mall 144 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:05,733 and everyone at the mall is banging each other. 145 00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,200 Chris, don't you see? 146 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,437 You're so desensitized by all this porn, 147 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,605 you're-you're not even interested in actual girls. 148 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,273 Wh-What are you doing? 149 00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,543 I'm taking this, and we are gonna help you start thinking 150 00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,110 about sex like a normal teenager. 151 00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,946 A-All right, I'll give it a shot. 152 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,514 But it's not gonna be easy. 153 00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:23,183 I had a hell of a time getting off sugar. 154 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,518 Chris, can you pass the syrup? 155 00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,454 Oh, you want the syrup, old man?! 156 00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:28,489 (grunting) 157 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:31,792 (shouts) 158 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:33,126 Yeah! 159 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,128 (cackling) 160 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,530 (laughs) 161 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,632 Yeah, nice attached head, Meg. 162 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,868 Body, throw potatoes. 163 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:41,869 (grunts) 164 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,971 Winner declared! 165 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,877 Okay, guys, now, I thought we could try to find the ghost 166 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,545 by doing the movie Flatliners. 167 00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:52,980 -I've never seen it. -Me, neither. 168 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,282 Oh, my God. All right, we are stopping everything right now 169 00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:56,950 and watching Flatliners. 170 00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:58,986 KENNY LOGGINS: ♪ I'm all right... ♪ 171 00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,988 I'm glad we switched to Caddyshack. 172 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:03,323 You know what, Peter, I think I've had enough ghost hunting. 173 00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:05,058 -I'm done, too. -Yeah, I'm out. 174 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,393 Wait, why you leaving? 175 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,995 Because all you do is screw around. 176 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,664 We've been down here for hours, and we haven't found a thing. 177 00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:12,900 Well, maybe that's because you guys don't know the first thing 178 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,134 about catching ghosts. 179 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,135 You know what, Lois was right. 180 00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,504 We should just never listen to you. 181 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:17,938 Come on, guys. 182 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,173 I think you're all just scared. 183 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:22,843 Oh, yeah? Let's see who's scared. 184 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,878 What are you doing? Turn that light back on. 185 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,180 QUAGMIRE: Have a good night, Peter. 186 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:29,349 -(pounding) -PETER: Quagmire. Help! 187 00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:30,518 Someone help me! 188 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,686 Hey! Open this door! 189 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:34,855 Don't leave me alone with the ghost! 190 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,024 (Peter whimpers in distance) 191 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:40,327 Help! Help! 192 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,662 Help! 193 00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:44,331 Help! Help! 194 00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:48,969 -Help! Help! -(heavy metal music playing) 195 00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:53,674 (Peter whimpers) 196 00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:54,808 What the hell? 197 00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:55,976 (Peter whimpers) 198 00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,446 -(gasps) -(whimpers) 199 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,549 Peter, are you okay? 200 00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:03,951 I was... down here all night. 201 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,053 So dark. 202 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,490 Oh, my God. Peter, your hair. 203 00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,560 It turned white. 204 00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,994 What? 205 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,796 ♪ 206 00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,731 (gasps) 207 00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:20,200 Well, I'm a fat dad with white hair now. 208 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:23,904 Time to become an issue at Hooters after 9:00 p.m. 209 00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:25,338 Hey, Ashley. Ashley. 210 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,140 Ashley. 211 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:29,843 I know... I know what car is your car. 212 00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,752 So, how'd you get white hair again? 213 00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,688 He was scared of a ghost. 214 00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,023 Yes, I remember hearing about this in med school. 215 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,424 Or was it a Scooby-Doo? 216 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,426 You think it's gonna stay, Dr. Hartman? 217 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,562 No, it's gonna be "Dr. Ramirez" now. 218 00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:50,163 I'm taking my husband's name. 219 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,032 I'm talking about Peter's hair. 220 00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,201 Oh, I'm sorry. (chuckles) Wedding on the brain. 221 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:57,404 But, uh, as for the white hair, I'm afraid it's permanent. 222 00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,672 (phone rings) 223 00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,173 Hi, sweetie. 224 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,675 We've discussed this. 225 00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,076 No to the mole. 226 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,779 Chocolate is for cake, not chicken. 227 00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:07,581 Oh, come on. 228 00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:09,249 He's crying. 229 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,852 What do I do now? I mean, should I dye it back? 230 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,120 (chuckles nervously) 231 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:14,855 I don't know why you'd ask me that. 232 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,556 I mean, I-I don't know anything about that. 233 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,525 How does one even go about dyeing one's hair? 234 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,227 I've never heard of anything so crazy. 235 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,895 Let me get that for you, Doctor. 236 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,697 What? Oh, no, I'm-I'm not a... 237 00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,565 Morning, Doctor. 238 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,567 Wow, Peter, they all think you're a doctor 239 00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,136 because of your white hair. 240 00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:31,905 I have to say, it does make you look more distinguished. 241 00:09:31,939 --> 00:09:33,774 Really? Huh. 242 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:36,109 Well, maybe this will be a good thing after all. 243 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:37,577 Like a garbageman with no nose. 244 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:42,082 Well, this is the best job in the world! 245 00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,483 Rotting meat? 246 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,218 What does that smell like? 247 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,820 Oh, look, receipts. 248 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:49,156 I'll steal this person's identity. 249 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,892 From now on, I'm Robert Dibadeaux. 250 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,061 So long, stinkies! 251 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,764 Not that I would know. 252 00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,635 All right, Chris, it's gonna take a few steps 253 00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:03,103 to get you off hard-core porn. 254 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,005 Now, the first step is soft-core porn, 255 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,473 where nothing really happens. 256 00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:07,841 (TV clicks on) 257 00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:11,411 Oh, wow, she is just riding that guy's belly button. 258 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,413 Yep, that's all we had. 259 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,283 And you could watch this at any time? 260 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,919 No, just Friday at 11:45 p.m. 261 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,353 And it was free? 262 00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,089 No, $45 a month. 263 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:25,025 Well, what was playing the other 200 hours per week? 264 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,695 Uh, mostly D.A.R.Y.L. The movie D.A.R.Y.L. 265 00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:28,929 Was it any good? 266 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,430 It was okay. 267 00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,933 Grandpa, what are you doing here? 268 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,768 Using the bathroom. Where do you keep the nets 269 00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,636 that you put on the bottom of guys' balls 270 00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,471 to stop 'em from dunking in the water? 271 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,940 -What? -What do you mean, "What?" 272 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,609 (rhythmically): Where do you keep the nets 273 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:46,613 that you put on the bottom of guys' balls 274 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:50,751 to stop them from dunking in the water? 275 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,456 Oh, there's my silver fox. 276 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,491 What are you doing out here? 277 00:10:58,525 --> 00:10:59,960 Well, now that I've got white hair, 278 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,795 I fix my car in slow motion 279 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:04,497 in an ad for a supplemental blood thinner. 280 00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:06,299 -(soft piano music playing) -I took Zanbrex 281 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,801 for over 15 years, 282 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:10,704 till I learned the benefits of once-daily Sanguelto, 283 00:11:10,738 --> 00:11:12,906 a latest-generation blood thinner. 284 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:15,843 When I'm at a multiracial picnic for some reason, 285 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:18,311 the last thing I want to do is have a stroke. 286 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,513 And thanks to once-daily Sanguelto, 287 00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:23,583 I can eat potato salad with chuckling strangers 288 00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,518 with the confidence of someone who knows 289 00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:28,756 he's 12% less likely to suffer a stroke recurrence. 290 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,924 Thanks to Sanguelto, I can snuggle 291 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:33,493 with my age-appropriate wife on a blanket 292 00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,829 underneath non-holiday-related fireworks. 293 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,398 I left her for six weeks back in 2009, 294 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,500 only to realize I was already too old 295 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,169 to bed the type of women 296 00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,271 that would make such a separation worth it. 297 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,339 So, here we are, grinding it out 298 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,108 till one of us has that second stroke 299 00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,843 that you don't come back from. 300 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:52,212 Thank you, Sanguelto. 301 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,017 What's all this? 302 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,219 Well, a lot of kids' first foray into sex 303 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,354 is looking at someone else's porn stash. 304 00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,590 So, here's a stack of water-stained Playboys 305 00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:06,193 that I found in a locker at the town pool bathroom. 306 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,762 Okay, now we're talking. 307 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,532 (whooshing) 308 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,601 Wait. I'm clicking on this thumbnail, 309 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:16,469 but the video isn't opening. 310 00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:18,071 No, that's a still image. 311 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,372 See, you look at them, 312 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:22,042 and then your brain sort of creates a scene for you. 313 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,812 I don't know. I think maybe we should try something else. 314 00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,713 I think you should give it a shot. 315 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,049 I think we should all go investigate 316 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,285 the still-unsolved murder of Doris Billingsly, 317 00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:35,555 who never did anything but overcook one dinner 318 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:39,092 in March of 1962. 319 00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:45,365 All right, I got next round. 320 00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:49,837 Hey, Tom, you okay? 321 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:51,238 She left me. 322 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:54,174 Another sign from the universe that I'll never find love. 323 00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:57,277 Hey, come on, pal. There's plenty of fish in the sea. 324 00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,616 Wow. 325 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,919 You're right. There are. 326 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:08,788 Say, you've got a way about you, 327 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,758 a certain... trustworthy quality. 328 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,026 You know, we've got an opening 329 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:14,594 at the station for a senior analyst. 330 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,197 I think your white hair would be perfect for it. 331 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,866 Wow. Really? What do I do? 332 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:21,935 You just act like everyone else is an idiot and shout over them. 333 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,837 -That way, you can... -Shut up! I get it! 334 00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,438 Terrific. Hey, why don't you come down 335 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:26,606 to the station tomorrow and...? 336 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,976 -I know where you work! -Again, terrific. 337 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:31,611 Wow, this is awesome. 338 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:35,115 I haven't been on TV since I had IBS on The Bachelorette. 339 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:38,285 Derek, I had such a magical weekend. 340 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,320 You are truly one of a kind. 341 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:41,788 (loud stomach grumbling) 342 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,323 And that's why I've decided to... 343 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:46,126 Excuse me. Uh, do-do you know if I'm gonna get a rose? 344 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:47,827 We're getting to that, Peter. 345 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:51,164 Derek, that's why I've decided to give you this rose. 346 00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:52,732 (stomach grumbling and squealing) 347 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:55,335 Evan, getting to see your softer side was truly... 348 00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,536 -(stomach growling) -Excuse me. 349 00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:58,405 I hate to be a bother, but do you... 350 00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,307 do you know if I'll be receiving a rose? 351 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,741 Because if there's, uh, further delay, 352 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,210 I believe something's gonna happen 353 00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:05,545 that will put me out of contention for a rose. 354 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:06,980 (stomach gurgles loudly) 355 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,381 And that thing just happened. 356 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:09,682 Farewell, and thank you 357 00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:11,919 for feeding me champagne and shrimp all day. 358 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,325 Reporting live from Quahog Prison, 359 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,360 I'm Joe Horrigan, Channel Five News. 360 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,662 Thanks, Joe. Great reporting, terrible eyes. 361 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,431 Switching gears now, I'd like to talk 362 00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:26,533 about the crime situation here in Quahog. 363 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:29,669 Joining me now is white-haired contributor Peter Griffin. 364 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,439 Peter, what are you hearing about crime in Quahog? 365 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:35,208 Uh... you know, not much. 366 00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,877 Not much? Excuse us for one moment. 367 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:40,747 -What are you doing?! -What? 368 00:14:40,780 --> 00:14:42,182 I don't know anything about crime. 369 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,851 So? People want to know that bad stuff's going on out there. 370 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,253 That's why they watch the news. 371 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,421 -You want me to make stuff up? -I don't know. 372 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,390 I thought you had white hair. 373 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:53,593 -You're right, I do. -Of course you do. 374 00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,196 (gasps, giggles) 375 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,198 Now, you were talking about crime? 376 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,200 Crime is way up, and you know why? 377 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,601 'Cause of immigrants. 378 00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:03,103 I say, as Americans, 379 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:05,538 we should all take a pledge to kick 'em out. 380 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:08,976 Only pledge I stand for is Lemon Pledge. 381 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:13,613 (squeaking) 382 00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:18,618 Peter Griffin, white hair, very credible, thank you so much. 383 00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:21,254 Coming up, lost dog comes home... 384 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:23,456 one piece at a time. 385 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,325 (news theme music plays) 386 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,729 Peter, that was amazing. 387 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,598 I'm the news director here at Channel Five. 388 00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:34,167 How would you like to do what you just did every night? 389 00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:35,768 Wipe a bloody booger under the desk? 390 00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,770 No, I'm asking you to join us full-time 391 00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,806 to be our permanent senior analyst. 392 00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:42,142 Would you excuse me while I step into another room 393 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:45,478 and celebrate like a girl in a rom-com who just got good news? 394 00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,417 Aah! The Sanguelto! 395 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,619 My blood's thinner than water! 396 00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:56,156 -(soft piano music playing) -If taking Sanguelto, 397 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:58,425 please refrain from dancing like in a rom-com, 398 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,493 as nosebleeds may be permanent. 399 00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:03,263 And remember, most drugs are prescribed to you 400 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,365 because a hot girl with a rolling suitcase 401 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,400 gave your doctor a free pen. 402 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,610 Peter, what the hell do you think you're doing? 403 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,613 Who says you can just make things up and call them facts? 404 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,449 Tom Tucker did. He kissed me. 405 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,984 You have a responsibility as a member of the press 406 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:27,187 to report the news accurately. 407 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:30,623 You can't just say crazy things that aren't in any way true. 408 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:34,194 JOE (laughing): Yeah, leave that to the yahoos in D.C. 409 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,497 -Did that get a "That's So Joe"? -No! 410 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,299 Okay, well, what are the rules on that? 411 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,967 We're still working that out. 412 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,236 Well, let me know when you decide on the rules. 413 00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:46,039 I'm really excited about working on this. 414 00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:48,108 With you guys. 415 00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:54,747 Chris, welcome to the lingerie department. 416 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,316 What are we doing here? 417 00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:58,818 When I was young, seeing these half-naked mannequins 418 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,653 was all I needed to get me going. 419 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,089 What's the endgame here-- 420 00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:03,990 him walking around Macy's with a chub? 421 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:06,193 No, we've got to reset his arousal meter. 422 00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:08,661 He needs to be able to use his imagination again. 423 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,863 Any of these mannequins doing anything for you, Chris? 424 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,865 Uh, I don't know. 425 00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:15,435 I guess the one without a head is pretty cool. 426 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,670 All right, that's... that's something. 427 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:20,940 And that bin of chopped-up ones over there-- that could be okay. 428 00:17:20,973 --> 00:17:24,043 'Specially the one that looks kind of afraid. 429 00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:26,045 There you go. Look at you. 430 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:28,181 Sounds like someone is ready for that date. 431 00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:29,682 Do you gentlemen need any help? 432 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:30,917 No, thank you, dear. 433 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:33,620 We're just trying to get my brother to full mast. 434 00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:39,559 We want to welcome back our new permanent senior analyst, 435 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,561 Peter Griffin and his white hair. 436 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,396 What's the latest on crime in Quahog? 437 00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,865 -Tom, crime is up. -Wow. How high? 438 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,201 -All the way to the top. -Whoa. The top. 439 00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:50,870 Has it ever been all the way to the top before, Peter? 440 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,072 Never. In fact, we had to raise the top. 441 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,742 So, the new top is even higher than the old top? 442 00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,644 Yes, the old top is now the middle. 443 00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,212 And The Midd is a show 444 00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:01,914 that was inexplicably on ABC for a very long time. 445 00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:03,383 How many seasons? 446 00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,585 It might be, like, 11. I'm not even kidding. 447 00:18:05,618 --> 00:18:08,321 Peter Griffin, white hair, very credible, thank you so much. 448 00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,390 Coming up, we'll tell you where to look 449 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,426 when a person has a birthmark on their face. 450 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,966 So, Chris, have you weaned yourself off of Internet porn? 451 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:23,170 Wait. I thought the whole point was to not wean myself off. 452 00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:26,072 No, Chris, I mean, have you stopped...? Never mind. 453 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,408 -You ready for your date? -You bet I am! 454 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:29,542 (knocking) 455 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,113 Hi, Chris. 456 00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:35,282 (laughing) 457 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:36,983 Hi, Kristen. 458 00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:39,452 Ready to see a Marvel movie, 'cause I chose? 459 00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:41,788 Sure. And for sure this is a real date, 460 00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:43,256 and me and the popular kids 461 00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,925 aren't gonna thrill-kill you tonight. 462 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:48,761 I think Chris is gonna be just fine. 463 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,497 (high-pitched beeping) 464 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,367 Which is more than I can say for our pizza. 465 00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:57,036 (both laughing) 466 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,571 Oh, man. 467 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,148 Well, I hope you're happy. 468 00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:12,385 You're telling lies on the news just to boost your own ego. 469 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,120 It's pronounced "Eggo," Lois, 470 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,323 and I will thank you to leggo of mine. 471 00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:18,124 Peter, fake news is a real problem 472 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,826 in this country right now, 473 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:22,962 and I really don't want my husband contributing to it. 474 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,831 Maybe you're right. 475 00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:27,133 It doesn't feel good lying all the time. 476 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,835 I guess I just like all the attention 477 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,470 that came along with having white hair. 478 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,139 Well, I don't think that's the kind of attention you want. 479 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,141 And it's certainly not the kind of attention 480 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,809 I want for our family. 481 00:19:36,843 --> 00:19:39,479 You know what? If it means that much to you, 482 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,748 I'll tell Tom that I won't do it anymore. 483 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,650 -Really? -Really. 484 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,185 Oh, Peter, that makes me so happy. 485 00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,688 (phone ringing) 486 00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,690 Hello? Donald Trump?! 487 00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,359 You saw me on the news? 488 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:55,362 You want me to be your press secretary in the next episode? 489 00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:56,996 Why, sure, I'd love to! 490 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,165 We'll get started drawing it right away. 491 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,600 Lois, pack your bags. 492 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,736 We're joining the Trump Administration. 493 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:07,274 (grunting) 494 00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:12,044 Just what Washington needs, huh? 495 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:14,013 Another talking head. 496 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,748 (Peter giggles) 497 00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:18,217 -(both laugh) -Oh, man. 498 00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:23,423 ANNOUNCER: Next week on Family Guy... 499 00:20:23,456 --> 00:20:26,025 Hey, Dad, I want you to meet my new friend, Meg. 500 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:29,529 Pleased to meet you, Meg. You have a beautiful rack. 501 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:30,730 Oh, thanks. 502 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,065 I was talking to my daughter. 503 00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:43,376 And now, please welcome Mr. Bruce Jenner. 504 00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:46,245 -(applause and cheering) -(burlesque music plays) 505 00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:51,117 (cheering and whistling) 506 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:54,587 (whooping) 507 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:02,929 Just wanted to remind you fellas what you're all fighting for.