1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,961
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,051
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:11,620
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,663 --> 00:00:14,710
♪ On which we used to rely?♪

5
00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:18,322
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

6
00:00:18,366 --> 00:00:21,717
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

7
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,197
♪ All the things that make us ♪

8
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:24,546
♪ Laugh and cry ♪

9
00:00:24,589 --> 00:00:30,117
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!♪

10
00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:38,081
[elevator bell dings]

11
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:40,431
MAN:
Hold the door.

12
00:00:40,475 --> 00:00:44,131
Great. It's that guy I only have
one thing in common with.

13
00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:46,959
Hey, Peter. How about
that gay encounter we had?

14
00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:48,700
God, every time with this guy.

15
00:00:48,744 --> 00:00:50,398
I'm gonna take the stairs.

16
00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:59,233
Oh, my God, I'm never gonna
get up these stairs.

17
00:00:59,276 --> 00:01:00,495
[panting]

18
00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,018
Okay, it's all right.

19
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,194
I do this every week
in the opening credits.

20
00:01:04,238 --> 00:01:06,022
All right, let's see.
How does that go?

21
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,372
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

22
00:01:08,416 --> 00:01:11,027
♪ Lucky there's... a man who ♪

23
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:13,812
♪ Positively can do ♪

24
00:01:13,856 --> 00:01:15,814
♪ All the things
that make us...♪

25
00:01:15,858 --> 00:01:18,034
[grunting]

26
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,384
I swear he says the F-word.

27
00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:22,386
[panting]

28
00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:24,127
Everything hurts.

29
00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:26,129
Everything's wet.

30
00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,349
I'm just gonna stay here.

31
00:01:28,392 --> 00:01:30,612
Was Labyrintha good movie?

32
00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:32,744
I can't remember.

33
00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:35,182
I don't want to watch it again,
though.

34
00:01:35,225 --> 00:01:37,488
Seems like a chore.

35
00:01:37,532 --> 00:01:40,839
Aw, even Slinky from Accounting
can make it up the stairs.

36
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:43,059
Don't forget to turn in
your time card, Peter.

37
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,017
What are you, allergic to money?

38
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:47,150
Ha ha. No.
No, I want to get paid.

39
00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:48,282
Just forgot.

40
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,284
Ugh, look at me.

41
00:01:50,327 --> 00:01:53,417
I haven't felt this out of shape
since I took surfing lessons.

42
00:01:53,461 --> 00:01:55,289
Boy, this is harder
than I thought.

43
00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:56,942
My arms are getting
really tired.

44
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:59,075
Nah, you're fine.
Just keep goin'.

45
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,991
Tai, your positivity
is infectious!

46
00:02:02,034 --> 00:02:04,167
All right, P-Town,
wave comin' in.

47
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:07,562
I'm just gonna give you a little
push, and you just stand up.

48
00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:18,050
[barking]

49
00:02:26,363 --> 00:02:29,975
Okay, so, welcome
to the first meeting

50
00:02:30,019 --> 00:02:32,239
of our women's
creative writing workshop.

51
00:02:33,849 --> 00:02:35,851
Ladies.

52
00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:39,681
Okay, Donna,
you want to read yours?

53
00:02:39,724 --> 00:02:41,248
Oh, I didn't do mine.

54
00:02:41,291 --> 00:02:44,903
Wha...? Well, then you can't
have any more snacks.

55
00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:46,427
You just can't.

56
00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,211
Well, I guess it's my turn.

57
00:02:48,255 --> 00:02:50,431
"Louise lowered her velvet hood,

58
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,998
"letting loose
her flowing red hair.

59
00:02:53,042 --> 00:02:56,263
"Ignoring her friends' obvious
and understandable envy,

60
00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:59,570
"she confidently approached
the mysterious castle.

61
00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:01,137
"The doors blew open,

62
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,705
"as if some magical force
had been expecting her.

63
00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:05,620
"Louise belonged here,

64
00:03:05,663 --> 00:03:08,927
"if only because this is where
Horatio called home.

65
00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:12,061
"Then, through the vegetation,
and past the mist

66
00:03:12,104 --> 00:03:15,717
"that sprinkled
her heaving bosom, she saw him.

67
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:20,374
"Horatio, with his long, flowing
hair blowing in the breeze,

68
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,289
"his cape fluttering.

69
00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:23,942
-[stomach gurgling]
-"He had only two loves

70
00:03:23,986 --> 00:03:28,120
"in his life: his horses
and Louise's heaving bosom.

71
00:03:28,164 --> 00:03:31,385
"He grabbed her tighter than
she'd ever been held before.

72
00:03:31,428 --> 00:03:34,518
"A way in which her husband,
Paulter, had not held her

73
00:03:34,562 --> 00:03:36,607
-"since before
they were married.
-[toilet flushes]

74
00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:38,740
"Horatio then took Louise
by the hand,

75
00:03:38,783 --> 00:03:42,309
"leading her out to his stables
as her bosom heaved.

76
00:03:42,352 --> 00:03:44,920
"Louise's mind was racing
in anticipation

77
00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:48,315
"of the dirty hay sex that was
gonna most definitely happen.

78
00:03:48,358 --> 00:03:50,752
"As the two lovers
entangled into one

79
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:53,145
"atop the probably peed-on hay,

80
00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,191
"Louise's bosom heaved.

81
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,367
"They spent the next 18 minutes

82
00:03:57,411 --> 00:04:00,631
"fighting off sneezes,
in the throes of ecstasy.

83
00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:02,546
Heaving bosom."

84
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:05,680
-Damn, that's steamy, Lois.
-Really?

85
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:08,291
Uh, yeah,really. Phew!

86
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,337
Anybody mind if I open me?

87
00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,556
-[hissing]
-Ah!

88
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,690
See you in the shower, ladies.

89
00:04:19,955 --> 00:04:21,435
What am I gonna do?

90
00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,567
I've been here all day,
and I can't move.

91
00:04:23,611 --> 00:04:28,180
I got it. I'll do what
James Franco did in 127 Hours.

92
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,357
WOMAN:
UCLA admissions office.

93
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,794
Yes, I'd like to enroll
in a couple of classes

94
00:04:32,837 --> 00:04:36,232
so I can have sex with girls
not old enough to get into bars.

95
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,407
JOE:
Peter!

96
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:38,626
I heard you're in some trouble!

97
00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:42,369
I'm stuck!
I don't want to die here!

98
00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:45,241
[crying]: I just want to go to
my desk and surf the Internet.

99
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,809
Hang on, Peter.
I'll come up and save you.

100
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,508
Stairs.

101
00:04:51,552 --> 00:04:54,250
Why'd it have to be stairs?

102
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,513
[grunting]

103
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:14,575
I can't do it. Here, you're just
gonna have to kill me.

104
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:16,577
Wait. Look, Joe.

105
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:19,841
A lever to turn the stairs
into a slide.

106
00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:22,496
[alarm ringing]

107
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:23,540
Damn it, Peter!

108
00:05:23,584 --> 00:05:25,716
It's just a little water.
What's it gonna hurt?

109
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,065
Oh, God!

110
00:05:27,109 --> 00:05:29,503
Delete... history.

111
00:05:29,546 --> 00:05:30,852
No.

112
00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:34,682
No!

113
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,772
[alarm ringing]

114
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:47,303
Peter, you caused millions of
dollars' worth of water damage,

115
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,611
all because you couldn't
make it up the stairs.

116
00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:53,440
Aw, man.
This means I'm the work fatty.

117
00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:55,529
I haven't been this embarrassed
since I forgot

118
00:05:55,572 --> 00:05:58,532
about the silent part
in George Michael's "Faith."

119
00:05:58,575 --> 00:06:00,534
♪ Well, I need someone
to hold me ♪

120
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,536
♪ But I wait
for something more ♪

121
00:06:02,579 --> 00:06:04,886
I've started using these pills
called Stiff for Hours

122
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:06,453
from the gas station.

123
00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:07,976
♪ 'Cause I got to have faith ♪

124
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:10,805
♪ Mmm, I got to have faith.♪

125
00:06:15,723 --> 00:06:17,681
♪ Dog walking into a room ♪

126
00:06:17,725 --> 00:06:20,336
♪ There's food left
on the table ♪

127
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,556
♪ And my owners aren't around.♪

128
00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:24,688
Just gonna do a little
paws-on-the-table,

129
00:06:24,732 --> 00:06:26,473
side-of-the-mouth dog eating.

130
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:41,139
A Stable Affair
by Lois Griffin.

131
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:44,534
Okay, another writer
in the house.

132
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:50,018
Oh, my God, this is amazing!

133
00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:51,715
This is basically a guide

134
00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:53,848
to what Lois is looking for
in a lover.

135
00:06:53,891 --> 00:06:55,719
Check this out.

136
00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,852
Lois is writing a romance novel
about a woman

137
00:06:57,895 --> 00:06:59,723
who is unhappy with her husband

138
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,638
and begins
to have a torrid affair

139
00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:04,032
with a caped lover
who has horses.

140
00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,599
Don't you know what this is?

141
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:08,515
It's a description
of her every fantasy and desire.

142
00:07:08,558 --> 00:07:10,691
This could finally
be my key to...

143
00:07:10,734 --> 00:07:12,519
To what, banging my mom?

144
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:14,912
You know, you are the worst.

145
00:07:14,956 --> 00:07:16,958
Ladies.

146
00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:24,095
Ugh! You guys,
this is so embarrassing.

147
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:25,488
All this happened

148
00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:27,969
because I'm too fat
to make it up some stairs.

149
00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:29,579
Peter, you got to lose weight.

150
00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:31,755
I know. You guys got
to help me, though.

151
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:33,975
I can't do it on my own.
I'm too weak.

152
00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:35,585
All right,
we'll help you, Peter,

153
00:07:35,629 --> 00:07:37,152
but we're doing it
Quagsberry rules.

154
00:07:37,195 --> 00:07:38,501
What's that?

155
00:07:38,545 --> 00:07:40,198
A woman--
or in this case, a man--

156
00:07:40,242 --> 00:07:42,505
has to do anything I say,
no questions asked.

157
00:07:42,549 --> 00:07:44,725
Anything, I promise.

158
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,509
PETER:
My dearest Lois,

159
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:47,771
I've taken Quagmire's place

160
00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:50,426
as a Union soldier
in the Civil War.

161
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:53,734
Shortly after I arrived,
they amputated my leg.

162
00:07:53,777 --> 00:07:56,780
I dared them to,
and it was a big mistake.

163
00:07:56,824 --> 00:07:59,609
The other guy in my tent
is a wet dead guy.

164
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:02,351
Yours, Peter.

165
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,664
All right, Peter, today we start
helping you lose weight.

166
00:08:10,707 --> 00:08:12,230
First, let me just make sure

167
00:08:12,274 --> 00:08:14,537
you're not hiding any food
in your clothes.

168
00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,669
[beeping]

169
00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:19,586
WHISPERING MALE VOICE:
Taste. Taste. Taste the rainbow.

170
00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,805
Peter, are you hiding Skittles
in your pants?

171
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:25,548
Is that all of 'em?

172
00:08:25,592 --> 00:08:27,594
Just-just give me a second.

173
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:33,556
When I turned about 40,
it started breaking up into two.

174
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,688
Weekend plans?

175
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:37,081
Please don't talk to me.
I need to focus.

176
00:08:43,044 --> 00:08:44,132
[horse whinnies]

177
00:08:44,175 --> 00:08:45,133
♪

178
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:47,135
Good morrow!

179
00:08:47,178 --> 00:08:50,442
What is thee, uh, up to?

180
00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:51,835
Brian, is that your horse?

181
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:53,489
Wh-When did you get a horse?

182
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,230
Oh, I've been an Equus
for a while.

183
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:57,580
The play
with Harry Potter's penis?

184
00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,713
Just my trusty steed here.

185
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,584
We have a special connection.

186
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,717
Me being an equestrianist
and everything.

187
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,762
I-I had no idea
you were into horses.

188
00:09:05,806 --> 00:09:07,372
Sexy, huh?

189
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,723
No, seems like a hassle,
and expensive.

190
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,507
How do you pay for it all?

191
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,814
Well, the costs are meager
when you're able to dominate

192
00:09:13,857 --> 00:09:17,557
and control the beast with
just... the slightest glance.

193
00:09:18,906 --> 00:09:20,603
Stop it.

194
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,039
Ha, ha! What?!

195
00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:23,606
This is nuts!

196
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:26,217
Anyway, I've been speaking to
my horse in the silent language

197
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:28,176
of knowing, and I...
[grunts]

198
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:30,395
Never walk behind a horse.

199
00:09:30,439 --> 00:09:33,007
You would have to hate horses
not to know that.

200
00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:34,704
...being one with nature.

201
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:35,749
[grunts]

202
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,489
A mutual bond of trust.

203
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:38,839
[grunts]

204
00:09:38,882 --> 00:09:41,058
Different species, same heart.

205
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:43,104
[comical whirring]

206
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:51,678
[clicking]

207
00:09:51,721 --> 00:09:55,246
[à la Daffy Duck]:
You're dethspicable.

208
00:09:58,032 --> 00:10:00,208
Welcome to CrossFit, Peter.

209
00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:01,992
How's it different
from a regular gym?

210
00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:04,125
Do regular gyms have
open garage doors

211
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:07,084
where members' large dogs
can charge innocent civilians?

212
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:08,782
No, I... I guess not.

213
00:10:08,825 --> 00:10:10,261
Okay, to start,
why don't you go meet the owner,

214
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:11,698
Jayce, over there?

215
00:10:11,741 --> 00:10:14,048
He'll help maximize
your nutrition regimen.

216
00:10:14,091 --> 00:10:15,876
Hi, I'm Peter.

217
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,094
Hey, man. Jayce with a "Y."

218
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:18,879
Yeah, I figured.

219
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:20,663
[chuckles]
So, to start out, like, uh,

220
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,796
tell me, what's
your favorite kind of food?

221
00:10:22,839 --> 00:10:24,798
-Pizza.
-[condescending chuckle]

222
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,669
-Oh, man.
-What?

223
00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,019
[chuckles]
You, uh...

224
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,891
[chuckles]
y-you can't eat pizza.

225
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:32,457
-Why not?
-[chuckles]

226
00:10:32,501 --> 00:10:34,024
It's, uh... it's...

227
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:35,678
[chuckles]:
uh, it's...

228
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:36,897
it's bad.

229
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,899
-Why?
-[chuckles]

230
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:40,944
Because, uh, it's, like, uh...

231
00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,946
[chuckles]
pretty bad for you.

232
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:44,121
But what makes it bad?

233
00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:45,906
[chuckles]:
Oh.

234
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:48,735
Yeah, no, it's, like, uh...

235
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,954
like, probably one
of the worst things you can eat.

236
00:10:50,998 --> 00:10:53,391
-How come?
-[chuckles]

237
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:57,265
Uh, uh, because, of, like,
the ingredients in it.

238
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:59,397
-Which ones?
-[chuckles]

239
00:10:59,441 --> 00:11:01,399
Uh, I mean, yeah, like,

240
00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:03,271
basically, all of them.

241
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:04,968
-Name one.
-[chuckles]

242
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:06,753
Yeah, I... yeah, I mean...

243
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,929
[stammers]
you said... your-your words,

244
00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:09,886
uh...
[chuckles] pizza.

245
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:11,583
All right,
I'm cutting this off right now.

246
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:14,935
It's clear you're an idiot
and deserve no more of my time.

247
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:17,633
Oh, Peter,
you're home from CrossFit.

248
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:18,721
Here, have some pizza.

249
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,070
[chuckling]:
Oh.

250
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:22,507
Uh, you know what is in that?

251
00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:23,987
It's, like...
[chuckles]

252
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:25,554
-It's very bad.
-What?

253
00:11:25,597 --> 00:11:26,555
[chuckles]

254
00:11:26,598 --> 00:11:28,862
Uh, wow.

255
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:31,125
Okay, Peter,
a good and conspicuous workout

256
00:11:31,168 --> 00:11:33,083
is to do lunges on the sidewalk.

257
00:11:33,127 --> 00:11:34,302
Just do like I do.

258
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,956
-Step.
-Uh-huh.

259
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:38,393
-Step. Step.
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

260
00:11:38,436 --> 00:11:39,960
-Step.
-Uh-huh.

261
00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:42,745
-Step. Step.
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

262
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:43,877
-Step.
-Uh-huh.

263
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,836
-Step. Step.
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

264
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,098
Step.

265
00:11:48,142 --> 00:11:49,970
-Step.
-[mouth full]: Uh-huh.

266
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:51,232
-Step.
-Uh-huh.

267
00:11:51,275 --> 00:11:54,409
-Step. Step.
-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

268
00:11:54,452 --> 00:11:56,759
-Step. Step.
-[stomach grumbling]

269
00:11:56,803 --> 00:11:58,413
Step.

270
00:11:58,456 --> 00:12:00,154
Step. Step.

271
00:12:00,197 --> 00:12:02,591
Okay, Peter, whatever you do,

272
00:12:02,634 --> 00:12:04,332
don't look down the hole.

273
00:12:04,375 --> 00:12:06,551
[inhales deeply]

274
00:12:06,595 --> 00:12:08,771
Oh, God!
I looked down the hole!

275
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:11,252
Oh! I got a sense
of what's down there!

276
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:13,558
Okay, okay. All right,
you can still save this.

277
00:12:13,602 --> 00:12:14,777
Just don't smell.

278
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:15,865
[inhales deeply]

279
00:12:15,909 --> 00:12:17,867
Oh, God! I smelled everything!

280
00:12:17,911 --> 00:12:20,565
Oh, it's so deep in my nose!

281
00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:22,002
Okay, okay, whatever you do,

282
00:12:22,045 --> 00:12:24,656
do not dip your cupped hand
in the water.

283
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,789
-[water splashes]
-Oh, God! I'm doing it!

284
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:29,052
Oh, God!
What is wrong with me?!

285
00:12:29,096 --> 00:12:31,707
The chemicals in the water
are not breaking down

286
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,622
the integrity
of these movements!

287
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,363
Okay, Peter,
you can quit pretending.

288
00:12:35,406 --> 00:12:37,017
-The workout's over.
-Thanks.

289
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,019
I was just in there
checking my phone.

290
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:40,194
My phone!

291
00:12:40,237 --> 00:12:41,717
[diving board creaking]

292
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,023
[splash]

293
00:12:43,066 --> 00:12:44,285
Okay, Peter,

294
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:45,634
whatever you do,

295
00:12:45,677 --> 00:12:48,724
do not open your eyes
underwater.

296
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:52,946
What the hell?

297
00:12:52,989 --> 00:12:55,165
I thought we were gonna get
a ten-dollar scoop of ice cream

298
00:12:55,209 --> 00:12:56,819
with all the millennials
who can afford

299
00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:58,168
ten-dollar scoops of ice cream

300
00:12:58,212 --> 00:13:00,170
but can't afford to move out
of their parents' house.

301
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,085
We are. But first
I need to pick up this wine

302
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:03,957
that Lois mentioned
in her story.

303
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,176
Where's that part
about the wine?

304
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:09,310
"The doors magically opened."

305
00:13:09,353 --> 00:13:11,399
-"Chill came over her."
-[shudders]

306
00:13:11,442 --> 00:13:13,183
"Through the vegetation."

307
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:16,056
"Light mist."

308
00:13:16,099 --> 00:13:18,710
Uh, Brian, everything you read
just happened to us.

309
00:13:18,754 --> 00:13:21,888
I think her book
is about the grocery store.

310
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:24,978
Oh... my... God.

311
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:25,805
What?

312
00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:29,330
♪

313
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:35,075
It's the guy, Horatio,
from Lois's book.

314
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:38,643
She's fantasizing about having
an affair with this guy.

315
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:41,951
Or, who knows, maybe even
ishaving an affair with him.

316
00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:43,866
Excuse me,
where are the crackers?

317
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:45,694
What? We don't work here.

318
00:13:45,737 --> 00:13:48,131
We're a dog and a baby.
I... do I...

319
00:13:48,175 --> 00:13:50,090
Do my-do my clothes
make it look like I work here?

320
00:13:50,133 --> 00:13:52,092
I think it's the overalls, yeah.

321
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:53,441
Hey, get back to work.

322
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:54,703
I'll see you back at home,
Brian.

323
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:55,835
I've got to finish my shift.

324
00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:07,150
I don't get it.

325
00:14:07,194 --> 00:14:09,109
You've gained 12 pounds.

326
00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:11,241
Looks like we're gonna have
to take more drastic measures.

327
00:14:11,285 --> 00:14:13,678
Peter, say you're
not gonna have sex with me.

328
00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:14,897
-What?
-Just say it.

329
00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:16,246
I'm not gonna have sex with you.

330
00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:17,291
[rumbling]

331
00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:18,379
[shouts]

332
00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:20,033
Guys, let me out of here!

333
00:14:20,076 --> 00:14:22,035
No! You said you would do
whatever's necessary

334
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:23,514
to help you lose weight.

335
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,038
Please, let me out!

336
00:14:25,081 --> 00:14:27,475
Glenn, is it okay
if I stay the night?

337
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:28,868
Oh!

338
00:14:33,002 --> 00:14:34,482
Rancor, what are you doing here?

339
00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:36,179
I'm trying to diet, too.

340
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:37,572
Eating too many pig guys?

341
00:14:37,615 --> 00:14:39,966
I thought it was the pig guys,
but, you know what,

342
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:42,142
it was the bread.

343
00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:49,584
PETER:
I'm so hungry!

344
00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:51,064
Let me out!

345
00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:52,935
I'll tell you what--
first guy that lets me out

346
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:54,502
gets his own spin-off.

347
00:14:54,545 --> 00:14:55,633
Not you, Cleveland.

348
00:14:55,677 --> 00:14:57,418
Sorry, Peter,
this is for your own good!

349
00:14:57,461 --> 00:15:00,290
Yeah, you told us you would do
anything to lose weight!

350
00:15:00,334 --> 00:15:02,510
I lied!
I just want to be free,

351
00:15:02,553 --> 00:15:05,774
like a recently divorced man
with no kids!

352
00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:06,906
[gunshots,
tires screeching on TV]

353
00:15:09,125 --> 00:15:10,518
This is nice.

354
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:12,999
This is better.

355
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:17,525
Stewie, I can't believe it.

356
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,744
I mean, do-do you think
Lois could be having an affair

357
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:20,876
with this Horatio guy?

358
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,443
LOIS:
Brian, will you watch Stewie?

359
00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:23,879
I have to go get groceries

360
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,794
and won't be back
until later tonight.

361
00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:27,317
Uh, yeah, sure.

362
00:15:27,361 --> 00:15:28,971
Oh, my God, Stewie,
she's going to the store

363
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:30,538
and won't be back until tonight?

364
00:15:30,581 --> 00:15:32,192
Do you know what that means?

365
00:15:32,235 --> 00:15:35,238
Disguises?

366
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,893
No, but we should follow her and
see what the hell is going on.

367
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,025
WOMAN:
Stewie-chan!

368
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:41,070
[speaking Japanese]

369
00:15:43,594 --> 00:15:44,682
I'll meet you there, Brian.

370
00:15:44,726 --> 00:15:46,467
I've got to finish my shift.

371
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,172
All right, Peter, now, I know
you haven't eaten in a while,

372
00:15:56,216 --> 00:15:59,262
so this is something called
the Pocket Diet.

373
00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:00,655
Okay, guys, empty your pockets.

374
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:03,353
Whatever you got in there,
he eats.

375
00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:06,835
Uh, Glenn, can we go somewhere
and just talk for a minute?

376
00:16:06,878 --> 00:16:07,967
Aah!

377
00:16:09,185 --> 00:16:11,144
Guys, stop saying things,
all right?

378
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:13,146
I will say the things.

379
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:24,026
Oh, my God.

380
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,201
He's getting in the car.

381
00:16:26,637 --> 00:16:27,812
He's going in for a hug.

382
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:29,379
They're hugging!
This is insane!

383
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:31,207
I know. This guy.

384
00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:34,341
This guy is a star.

385
00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:40,303
I can't believe it, Stewie.
She picked him up.

386
00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:41,304
They hugged.

387
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:42,392
Lois is having an affair.

388
00:16:42,436 --> 00:16:44,612
We've got to stop them.

389
00:16:44,655 --> 00:16:47,615
-[tires screech]
-Aw, great.

390
00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:50,618
Just great.

391
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:53,186
♪

392
00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:07,765
[tires screech]

393
00:17:09,724 --> 00:17:12,292
Lois, don't do it!

394
00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:13,293
Brian?

395
00:17:13,336 --> 00:17:14,685
What the hell
are you doing here?

396
00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:16,296
Don't do what?

397
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:17,210
Don't have sex with Horatio!

398
00:17:17,253 --> 00:17:18,428
It's not worth it!

399
00:17:18,472 --> 00:17:19,777
What are you talking about?

400
00:17:19,821 --> 00:17:21,953
Look, I found your book
and read it.

401
00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:23,433
I thought that you wrote

402
00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:25,305
everything you were looking for
in a lover,

403
00:17:25,348 --> 00:17:28,090
and, if I could embody some
of those things,

404
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,136
maybe I would have a shot
with you.

405
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,094
But then I found out
Horatio is real,

406
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,314
and-and I couldn't bear to see
you do something like this

407
00:17:34,357 --> 00:17:35,576
to the family.

408
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,360
It's not you, Lois.

409
00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:39,449
Wait, let me get this straight.

410
00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:42,322
You, without asking,
read something I wrote?

411
00:17:42,365 --> 00:17:43,975
Then, thinking I was revealing

412
00:17:44,019 --> 00:17:46,108
all my most intimate wants
and desires,

413
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:47,762
you thought
that you could exploit

414
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:50,112
what you read to seduce me?

415
00:17:50,156 --> 00:17:51,940
But when you thought
I might be cheating

416
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:53,289
with someone
other than yourself,

417
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:56,292
you found that, and only that,
morally objectionable?

418
00:17:56,336 --> 00:17:58,164
And you bring Stewie here,

419
00:17:58,207 --> 00:18:00,253
who doesn't understand
any of this?!

420
00:18:00,296 --> 00:18:01,341
I predict, in the finale,

421
00:18:01,384 --> 00:18:02,559
everyone can understand me.

422
00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:04,170
That'd make
a good finale, right?

423
00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:06,259
Brian, this is Horatio.

424
00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:07,912
He's special.

425
00:18:07,956 --> 00:18:09,610
I know you think he's special.

426
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:11,133
No, he's special.

427
00:18:11,177 --> 00:18:12,917
He's learning disabled.

428
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:15,398
I like Coldplay.

429
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,270
-Ooh...
-Oh...

430
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:19,489
I'm not having an affair
with him, Brian.

431
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:22,275
I volunteered at the special
needs living facility,

432
00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:24,146
and Horatio happened
to like horses.

433
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,366
So, once a week,
I take him to the stables.

434
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:29,586
And the cape is from a Darth
Vader costume he had as a kid.

435
00:18:29,630 --> 00:18:32,198
Did you know he's the boss
of the stormtroopers?

436
00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:34,722
Yes, I have fantasies
about him dominating me

437
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,158
with his idiot strength.

438
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,290
But it's just that--

439
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,769
a fantasy.

440
00:18:38,813 --> 00:18:40,423
That's why I wrote it
in a story,

441
00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:43,426
because I knew
that I would never act on it.

442
00:18:43,470 --> 00:18:45,211
Ugh. I never thought a dog

443
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:47,778
could be such a genuine piece
of human garbage.

444
00:18:47,822 --> 00:18:49,215
Lois,

445
00:18:49,258 --> 00:18:51,173
I'm truly sorry
for what I thought.

446
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,610
It all just made sense to me
at the time.

447
00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:56,047
But now that I see what it is,

448
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:58,224
I'm ashamed of myself.

449
00:18:58,267 --> 00:19:00,051
I hope you can find it
in your heart...

450
00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:01,227
-Hey, Bri.
-[neighs]

451
00:19:03,054 --> 00:19:05,231
There's a good girl.

452
00:19:08,277 --> 00:19:09,322
Joe and Cleveland,

453
00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:11,367
are you ready to see
your new Peter?

454
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:19,201
What do you guys think?

455
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:20,333
I don't believe it.

456
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:21,856
I'm speechless.

457
00:19:21,899 --> 00:19:23,858
[crying]

458
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:27,340
Hey, look,
it's Jonah Hill sometimes!

459
00:19:33,607 --> 00:19:34,999
Wow!

460
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:37,001
Looking good, Peter.

461
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:39,569
Yes. I might want me
a little taste of that.

462
00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,571
[chuckles]:
Oh, well, Sheila, look out.

463
00:19:41,615 --> 00:19:43,878
Be careful what you ask for,
'cause you never know--

464
00:19:43,921 --> 00:19:45,706
I might...
Are-are you serious?

465
00:19:45,749 --> 00:19:47,490
'Cause I will do this, 100%.

466
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:48,448
My wife's in, too.
I'll call her.

467
00:19:48,491 --> 00:19:50,145
We'll do a whole thing.

468
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:52,713
Hey, Lois, I got a two-top.

469
00:19:52,756 --> 00:19:53,801
Okay.

470
00:19:53,844 --> 00:19:55,846
She's out, but I'm still in.

471
00:20:01,112 --> 00:20:02,244
Boy, I got to admit,

472
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:04,028
I feel a little sheepish
to get so fooled

473
00:20:04,072 --> 00:20:06,292
by a silly little book
that Lois wrote.

474
00:20:06,335 --> 00:20:08,381
Yes, but, you know, I think
what we missed in all of this

475
00:20:08,424 --> 00:20:11,949
is that Lois wrote a beginning,
middle, and end to something.

476
00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:13,516
What have you written lately,
Brian?

477
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,475
Well, nothing, but, you know,
I think-I think

478
00:20:15,518 --> 00:20:17,303
any writer knows how hard it is

479
00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:18,826
to be staring
at that blank page.

480
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,263
[chuckles] Sounds like
you did write something:

481
00:20:21,307 --> 00:20:22,830
your career's obituary.

482
00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:24,135
[laughs]

483
00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:26,312
Well, that's our dog and baby.

484
00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,488
Hi, this is Chris Griffin.

485
00:20:28,531 --> 00:20:31,491
Boy, Lois had some
amorous adventures this week.

486
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,493
But you know
what really turns meon?

487
00:20:33,536 --> 00:20:34,929
Reading.

488
00:20:34,972 --> 00:20:36,844
Why don't you get yourself
down to the library

489
00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:38,498
and open up a book.

490
00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:40,500
Here's a few
of my favorite books.

491
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,763
J.D. Salinger's
Catcher in the Rye.

492
00:20:42,806 --> 00:20:45,331
The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini.

493
00:20:45,374 --> 00:20:48,290
And, of course,
The Dirtby Motley Crue.

494
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:50,379
Seriously, read The Dirt.

495
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:53,077
They snort a row of live ants
like cocaine.

496
00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:55,689
Remember, kids,
a library card is free,

497
00:20:55,732 --> 00:20:58,082
but knowledge is priceless.

498
00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:00,476
Get that Dirtbook.