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♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪
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00:00:38,267 --> 00:00:41,810
♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:41,895 --> 00:00:44,813
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ all the things that make us ♪
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♪ laugh and cry ♪
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♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪
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Boy, everybody's here.
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Why do you think
we're gathering?
12
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This isn't about the soiled
pants in the toilet, right?
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'cause I hadn't heard
about that.
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Good morning, employees.
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As some of you can tell
by my face,
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00:01:16,930 --> 00:01:18,263
I have some exciting news.
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00:01:18,348 --> 00:01:20,974
But first, a pair of husky-size
green pants were found
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In the men's room,
positively destroyed.
19
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(whispers): That's what
I hadn't heard about.
20
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Now the exciting news.
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The brewery is transitioning
to an open floor plan
22
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And will be called
the pawtucket patriot campus.
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To help explain the transition
to our futuristic workplace,
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I'd like to share a video
from our investor,
25
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The confusingly charismatic
wework lunatic.
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Hey, I'm the guy from wework.
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My foremost goal is
to facilitate
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An experiential bandwidth
of synergy.
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Hammock desks,
scooter desks,
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00:01:49,046 --> 00:01:51,254
And the world's first desk-desk.
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The only desk that
functions as a working desk.
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I have been the wework lunatic,
please don't google me.
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Our new office will also have
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A lady chef
who only makes vegan food,
35
00:02:01,725 --> 00:02:04,142
Pinball machines,
and nursing pods.
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00:02:04,228 --> 00:02:07,145
Lastly, as we transition
to our new open floor plan,
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The brewery will be closed
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For the next two months
for construction.
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Yes, griffin?
40
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Are the nursing pods,
l-like, for anyone?
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If I ordered
a whole cornish game hen,
42
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Would anyone have any?
43
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I'm in for a wing.
What's the occasion?
44
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I just found out
the brewery's closing
45
00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:27,916
So they can turn it into
the kind of workplace
46
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You only see on tv shows.
47
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,544
Work's been crazy for me, too.
48
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We have this case--
guy died on his birthday,
49
00:02:33,882 --> 00:02:35,340
And-- get this--
his family had gotten him
50
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An ice cream cake.
51
00:02:36,593 --> 00:02:38,510
You know, the kind
with ice cream inside
52
00:02:38,595 --> 00:02:39,719
As the cake part?
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(laughs)
54
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Wild stuff.
So I'm at the scene...
55
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This story is already
too complicated and boring.
56
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Peter, take over.
57
00:02:47,396 --> 00:02:49,020
My amazon guy
once delivered batteries
58
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-To pat sajak.
-No way!
59
00:02:51,358 --> 00:02:53,566
How did he know there were
batteries in the box?
60
00:02:53,735 --> 00:02:55,068
You know,
whenever they ship a battery,
61
00:02:55,195 --> 00:02:56,987
They got to put that little
warning label on the box?
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00:02:57,114 --> 00:02:58,571
That's how.
63
00:02:58,699 --> 00:03:00,532
It could've just been something
with a battery in it.
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00:03:00,659 --> 00:03:02,492
No, he said
he shook it real hard.
65
00:03:02,661 --> 00:03:04,494
I-I think
the focus of this story is
66
00:03:04,579 --> 00:03:06,705
More pat sajak than
the battery part.
67
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Hold on. There's no way
that story was better than mine.
68
00:03:12,462 --> 00:03:14,629
Hey, brian. What's all this?
69
00:03:14,715 --> 00:03:16,381
Oh, just following
in the rich tradition
70
00:03:16,466 --> 00:03:18,008
Of hemingway and faulkner
71
00:03:18,126 --> 00:03:19,718
And putting a little damage
on the old liver.
72
00:03:19,845 --> 00:03:21,136
Another rosé, brian?
73
00:03:21,263 --> 00:03:22,512
Put a spritz on it.
74
00:03:22,597 --> 00:03:26,299
So, is, uh, watching tiktoks
of underage girls
75
00:03:26,351 --> 00:03:28,351
Also part of
your writing process?
76
00:03:28,437 --> 00:03:31,604
The best writing happens when
you're not actually writing.
77
00:03:31,732 --> 00:03:33,648
I just wish
my muse would speak to me.
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00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:36,484
I'm having a tough time finding
an idea for my next novel.
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00:03:36,653 --> 00:03:39,988
Well, I'd tell you about
one of my murder cases,
80
00:03:40,073 --> 00:03:42,365
But apparently
I'm a bad storyteller.
81
00:03:42,492 --> 00:03:45,368
-Murder case?
-Oh, yeah, we had one last year.
82
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All signs pointed
to the husband.
83
00:03:47,748 --> 00:03:49,414
-What happened?
-It was the husband.
84
00:03:49,499 --> 00:03:51,958
You know, we have
a whole file of cases in quahog
85
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That would make great stories.
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A lot of murdered women
out there, bri.
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00:03:56,465 --> 00:03:58,590
Half of them named britney,
half of them named lacey.
88
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That's one piece of advice
I always give young parents:
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00:04:01,261 --> 00:04:02,927
Don't name them
britney or lacey.
90
00:04:03,013 --> 00:04:04,137
Yeah, sad stuff.
91
00:04:04,264 --> 00:04:06,097
You know, true crime is huge
right now.
92
00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:07,599
You could be
sitting on a gold mine.
93
00:04:07,642 --> 00:04:09,059
A gold mine, huh?
94
00:04:09,144 --> 00:04:12,354
And this whole day I thought
it was just a smushed dook.
95
00:04:14,941 --> 00:04:17,150
Announcer (on tv):
We now return to
curb your enthusiasm,
96
00:04:17,235 --> 00:04:20,612
Where jeff garlin just repeats
everything larry says.
97
00:04:20,739 --> 00:04:22,530
So, I put on the shirt.
98
00:04:22,699 --> 00:04:24,449
You put on the shirt!
99
00:04:24,576 --> 00:04:25,867
I paid for it.
100
00:04:25,952 --> 00:04:27,535
You paid for it!
101
00:04:27,704 --> 00:04:29,954
I'm starting to think
you're, uh,
102
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The weakest link in the cast.
103
00:04:32,084 --> 00:04:34,542
Easily the weakest link!
104
00:04:34,628 --> 00:04:37,253
Peter, the bank called
to say we're overdrawn,
105
00:04:37,381 --> 00:04:39,255
And the credit card company
sent us a letter
106
00:04:39,383 --> 00:04:41,508
That just says:
"bitch better have my money."
107
00:04:41,593 --> 00:04:42,759
Visa sent that?
108
00:04:42,886 --> 00:04:44,511
God, they can do
whatever they want in delaware.
109
00:04:44,596 --> 00:04:46,471
Thanks for nothing, sleepy joe.
110
00:04:46,598 --> 00:04:49,265
I wonder if this has anything
to do with me not getting paid
111
00:04:49,351 --> 00:04:50,975
During the brewery renovations.
112
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Wh-what do you mean
"not getting paid"?
113
00:04:53,397 --> 00:04:55,146
Well, preston said
we're all transitioning
114
00:04:55,190 --> 00:04:56,856
To being
independent contractors.
115
00:04:56,942 --> 00:04:58,900
The downside is we're losing
our health insurance,
116
00:04:58,985 --> 00:05:01,861
But there's gonna be a pinball
machine in the break room.
117
00:05:01,947 --> 00:05:03,738
Peter, we can't afford
to go two months
118
00:05:03,824 --> 00:05:05,365
Without your paycheck.
119
00:05:05,450 --> 00:05:07,617
You're gonna have to
find a job in the meantime.
120
00:05:07,702 --> 00:05:10,578
Lois, don't worry.
I got it all figured out.
121
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(shoes tapping)
122
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,925
"dear mr. Griffin,
we regret to inform you
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That we cannot offer you
a space."
124
00:05:27,264 --> 00:05:30,432
-(shoes tapping)
-(singsongy): Another big
dance check in the mail.
125
00:05:30,517 --> 00:05:34,269
I was just five years away
from three figures a month.
126
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(shoes tapping slowly)
127
00:05:41,945 --> 00:05:43,069
Joe, this stuff is great.
128
00:05:43,196 --> 00:05:45,363
Yep, one man's murdered,
estranged wife
129
00:05:45,449 --> 00:05:46,948
Is another man's treasure.
130
00:05:47,033 --> 00:05:50,243
Brian, I'm gonna have to ask you
to put down the severed limb.
131
00:05:50,370 --> 00:05:51,828
I brought this from home.
132
00:05:51,955 --> 00:05:53,788
Drop it. Drop it!
133
00:05:53,874 --> 00:05:56,958
Ah, damn it, you said "drop it,"
so now I got to drop it.
134
00:05:57,085 --> 00:05:59,836
You know, we should team up
and write a true crime novel.
135
00:05:59,963 --> 00:06:01,087
You don't happen to have
any cases
136
00:06:01,173 --> 00:06:02,964
Featuring pretty blonde women,
do you?
137
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:04,507
No, those get solved
pretty quickly.
138
00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:07,719
This victim was brunette
and a little heavy.
139
00:06:07,846 --> 00:06:09,304
Okay, getting warmer.
140
00:06:09,389 --> 00:06:12,140
We'll just change a few
key details so people care.
141
00:06:12,225 --> 00:06:14,142
Gutierrez?
Nope, gordon.
142
00:06:14,260 --> 00:06:16,102
Murdered on
an indian reservation?
143
00:06:16,188 --> 00:06:17,479
Let's try beverly hills.
144
00:06:17,647 --> 00:06:20,315
I'm thinking we go novel,
podcast, docuseries,
145
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,233
Then full-blown blockbuster.
146
00:06:22,319 --> 00:06:25,028
But we'd also be doing this
for the families, right?
147
00:06:25,113 --> 00:06:26,521
Is that a new
streaming platform?
148
00:06:26,573 --> 00:06:28,281
No, like, the families
of the victims?
149
00:06:28,366 --> 00:06:29,532
Oh, right. Yeah, sure.
150
00:06:29,743 --> 00:06:32,118
In fact, we'll give them
a sliver of the proceeds.
151
00:06:32,287 --> 00:06:34,245
And I'll give
the fictional version
152
00:06:34,331 --> 00:06:35,830
Of their daughter bigger boobs.
153
00:06:35,957 --> 00:06:37,499
Like-like real heavy naturals.
154
00:06:37,542 --> 00:06:40,793
Oh, yeah, that sounds
like a good compromise.
155
00:06:44,716 --> 00:06:46,424
Your special cart, mrs. G.
156
00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:49,052
Just gave the wheels
a fresh coat of wd-40.
157
00:06:49,137 --> 00:06:51,429
Why, thank you, james.
158
00:06:52,599 --> 00:06:55,808
Oh, roberto, if you weren't
missing half an arm,
159
00:06:55,936 --> 00:06:57,227
I'd definitely consider it.
160
00:06:57,312 --> 00:06:59,854
Oh, how's the 6029s today, hmm?
161
00:06:59,981 --> 00:07:02,232
Oh, mrs. Lois, very fresh.
162
00:07:02,317 --> 00:07:03,983
What's she talking about, mommy?
163
00:07:04,110 --> 00:07:05,818
(laughs) kale, dear.
164
00:07:05,904 --> 00:07:08,446
It's insider speak for kale.
165
00:07:14,162 --> 00:07:15,954
That can't possibly be a thing.
166
00:07:16,039 --> 00:07:18,581
Let me just find someone
to make sure.
167
00:07:21,002 --> 00:07:24,295
Oh, looks like someone
got pulled from the night shift
168
00:07:24,381 --> 00:07:27,090
'cause I've never seen
this free sample.
169
00:07:28,510 --> 00:07:30,802
-Peter?!
-Man (over speakers):
Ladies and gentlemen,
170
00:07:30,929 --> 00:07:32,679
We have a plot twist
on aisle four.
171
00:07:32,847 --> 00:07:35,348
I'm the assistant manager
who thinks work should be fun,
172
00:07:35,433 --> 00:07:37,475
And definitely not
a corporate spy
173
00:07:37,644 --> 00:07:39,227
Here to keep unions
from forming.
174
00:07:39,354 --> 00:07:41,062
But now that
we're talking about it,
175
00:07:41,189 --> 00:07:42,522
Can you imagine
if you had a grievance
176
00:07:42,607 --> 00:07:44,566
And couldn't talk to me
directly?
177
00:07:44,693 --> 00:07:46,025
Anyway, I'm elliot,
178
00:07:46,111 --> 00:07:47,485
And I'm paying close attention
179
00:07:47,571 --> 00:07:49,821
To who posts what
on the break room cork board.
180
00:08:22,547 --> 00:08:25,246
♪i've got home internet
from t-mobile.♪
181
00:08:25,982 --> 00:08:28,813
♪it only costs $50 bucks
at t-mobile.♪
182
00:08:29,648 --> 00:08:31,480
♪just one cord to set up.♪
183
00:08:31,482 --> 00:08:34,513
♪say goodbye to that truck.♪
184
00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:37,246
♪oh, what a beautiful
mornin'...♪
185
00:08:37,248 --> 00:08:39,946
♪oh, what a beautiful day...♪
186
00:08:41,115 --> 00:08:44,546
♪they won't raise your rates
at t-mobile...♪
187
00:08:44,548 --> 00:08:47,246
♪you'll get a great deal
every day!♪
188
00:08:47,248 --> 00:08:48,546
Home internet from t-mobile...
189
00:08:48,548 --> 00:08:49,846
Just $50 bucks a month.
190
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,340
Peter, what are you doing here?
191
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,091
You told me to get a job,
and they were hiring.
192
00:09:29,219 --> 00:09:30,051
I love it here!
193
00:09:30,178 --> 00:09:31,219
Plus, they let me joke around
194
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,512
With the wells fargo guys
who work here.
195
00:09:33,598 --> 00:09:36,349
Yes, I'd like to make
a deposit, please.
196
00:09:36,434 --> 00:09:39,227
Is it another 100 grand
chocolate bar?
197
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,187
Okay, so I've had you before.
198
00:09:41,231 --> 00:09:44,148
Peter, the grocery store is
kind of my domain.
199
00:09:44,234 --> 00:09:46,025
While I'm glad you got a job,
200
00:09:46,110 --> 00:09:47,944
I don't love
that you got one here.
201
00:09:48,029 --> 00:09:49,403
Don't worry.
You won't even know I'm here.
202
00:09:49,530 --> 00:09:50,947
Unless you're
near the front door,
203
00:09:51,032 --> 00:09:52,782
Which I can open
with the force.
204
00:09:52,867 --> 00:09:54,951
Excuse me,
where are the peanuts?
205
00:09:55,036 --> 00:09:56,369
Aisle seven.
206
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,454
Peter, peanuts are on aisle two.
207
00:09:58,539 --> 00:09:59,705
Eh, I just tell 'em
whatever number,
208
00:09:59,791 --> 00:10:02,250
And then I disappear
into the produce mist.
209
00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:05,544
Peter? Peter?
210
00:10:05,630 --> 00:10:10,466
Peter (echoing):
There was never peter,
only loose carrots.
211
00:10:13,263 --> 00:10:16,222
The body was discovered
around 9:00 p.M.
212
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:19,183
Unfortunately, I couldn't
make it down to the crime scene
213
00:10:19,269 --> 00:10:20,726
Because there were no ramps.
214
00:10:20,812 --> 00:10:22,186
Okay, I'm gonna write:
215
00:10:22,272 --> 00:10:24,146
"tonight,
all the streets in this town
216
00:10:24,232 --> 00:10:25,648
Were a dead end."
217
00:10:25,733 --> 00:10:27,191
I never saw the body.
218
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:29,318
It was cold,
so they sent me on a coffee run.
219
00:10:29,445 --> 00:10:31,487
My lap can
accommodate two trays,
220
00:10:31,614 --> 00:10:33,072
And I can't feel the spills.
221
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:36,158
"she was found in a creek,
her bosoms frozen solid."
222
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:39,870
She was a heavyset 60-something
in welder's coveralls.
223
00:10:39,956 --> 00:10:42,373
"no one from beverly hills
had ever been strangled
224
00:10:42,458 --> 00:10:44,292
By their own cheerleader skirt
before."
225
00:10:44,419 --> 00:10:45,710
(gasps)
226
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:48,713
Wow, I can't believe I'm seeing
how the sausage is made.
227
00:10:48,798 --> 00:10:52,216
Hey, so when you open a book
and you see "random house,"
228
00:10:52,302 --> 00:10:54,343
Is that something
we come up with?
229
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:57,096
Uh, no, that's-that's
the publisher's name.
230
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,307
I see.
Just drinking it all in.
231
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,434
And what about the list of
cities you see under that name?
232
00:11:01,519 --> 00:11:04,895
Because I was thinking we should
put new york, paris, kokomo.
233
00:11:04,981 --> 00:11:07,315
Those are just the cities
where the publisher has offices.
234
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,191
And kokomo isn't
a real city, joe.
235
00:11:09,319 --> 00:11:11,193
Try telling the beach boys that.
236
00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:13,696
I don't know what our title
should be yet, but beneath it,
237
00:11:13,781 --> 00:11:16,657
It should say: "soon to be
a major motion picture."
238
00:11:16,784 --> 00:11:18,951
I always buy the book
when I see that.
239
00:11:19,037 --> 00:11:20,453
Why don't we just focus
on the writing?
240
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:21,912
Oh, hey, you ever see books
241
00:11:21,998 --> 00:11:23,914
Where the edges
of the pages are gold?
242
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,459
-Yeah?
-So cool.
243
00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:33,174
What is going on in here?
244
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:35,217
Who put price tags
on all the cans?
245
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:37,553
And why is everything
labeled 69 cents?
246
00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:40,890
Peter (muffled):
Griffin family grocery is
currently under renovation.
247
00:11:41,059 --> 00:11:42,933
Please excuse our dust.
248
00:11:43,019 --> 00:11:44,643
Peter? Where are you?
249
00:11:44,729 --> 00:11:46,979
Staring at butts
from behind a one-way mirror.
250
00:11:47,065 --> 00:11:48,856
And why'd you
rearrange everything?
251
00:11:48,983 --> 00:11:50,483
I just want to find my vitamins.
252
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:53,110
Cupboard four.
No, that's cupboard seven.
253
00:11:53,196 --> 00:11:54,820
No, wrong way.
254
00:11:54,906 --> 00:11:57,073
I'm not...
Is it warmer or colder?
255
00:11:57,158 --> 00:11:59,200
Cupboard four.
Cupboard four.
256
00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:01,660
(alarm blaring)
257
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:04,080
Ma'am, don't worry,
this happens all the time.
258
00:12:04,248 --> 00:12:05,873
I'm sure you have your receipt.
259
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:07,666
What? No,
I don't have a receipt.
260
00:12:07,752 --> 00:12:10,127
Okay, then, we're just gonna
go to the office,
261
00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:13,381
Call your parents,
and send you on your way.
262
00:12:14,926 --> 00:12:17,051
-Daddy, I just...
-There are gonna be
some changes around here.
263
00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:19,011
First off, no more lipstick.
264
00:12:19,097 --> 00:12:21,847
That's how
all this trouble started.
265
00:12:26,187 --> 00:12:27,269
Okay,
so we just need the ending.
266
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:28,479
Who was the murderer?
267
00:12:28,564 --> 00:12:31,273
Oh, I have no idea.
It's a cold case.
268
00:12:31,359 --> 00:12:33,818
That's what makes 'em cold--
no one knows how to solve 'em.
269
00:12:33,903 --> 00:12:35,069
Well, how do we finish our novel
270
00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:37,530
If we don't know what happened
in real life?
271
00:12:37,615 --> 00:12:39,031
-Ghost cop.
-No.
272
00:12:39,117 --> 00:12:40,157
Do you know what this means?
273
00:12:40,284 --> 00:12:42,159
We're gonna put on
our sherlock holmes hats
274
00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:44,328
And solve the murder ourselves?
275
00:12:44,414 --> 00:12:46,789
Deerstalker hats, joe.
But yes.
276
00:12:46,874 --> 00:12:49,500
Stupid nonwriter!
277
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:54,246
Okay, brian, now,
when you're visiting
278
00:12:54,298 --> 00:12:55,798
The family of a deceased victim,
279
00:12:55,925 --> 00:12:57,299
You need to hold a hat
over your chest.
280
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:58,676
It shows you care.
281
00:12:58,803 --> 00:13:00,845
All I have is this crown
from our burger king lunch.
282
00:13:00,972 --> 00:13:02,263
Hat's a hat.
283
00:13:03,558 --> 00:13:06,350
How can I help you,
officer and your highness?
284
00:13:06,510 --> 00:13:10,187
Hi, yes. We're here with many
questions about your daughter.
285
00:13:10,273 --> 00:13:11,981
You know, the dead one?
You-you remember her?
286
00:13:12,066 --> 00:13:13,691
We'd love any details.
287
00:13:13,776 --> 00:13:15,818
Is this some sort of sick joke?
288
00:13:15,903 --> 00:13:17,153
I assure you it's not, ma'am.
289
00:13:17,238 --> 00:13:18,988
We're writing
a future hit novel
290
00:13:19,073 --> 00:13:20,156
Based on your daughter's murder.
291
00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:21,574
We just need to know who did it.
292
00:13:21,617 --> 00:13:24,285
And, between us, it'd be great
if one of you did.
293
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,036
What is this?
What do you want?
294
00:13:26,122 --> 00:13:27,913
Did you know
jonbenét ramsey's dad
295
00:13:27,999 --> 00:13:30,541
Dated natalee holloway's mom?
296
00:13:30,626 --> 00:13:32,126
What does that have to do
with our case?
297
00:13:32,211 --> 00:13:34,044
Well, nothing,
it's just kind of weird, right?
298
00:13:34,130 --> 00:13:37,089
Do you happen to have
any grainy video footage
299
00:13:37,175 --> 00:13:40,176
Of her singing an emotional song
at a talent show?
300
00:13:40,261 --> 00:13:41,677
Maybe green day's
"time of your life"?
301
00:13:41,804 --> 00:13:44,680
That would really bust
this project wide open for us.
302
00:13:44,849 --> 00:13:46,807
You're both unwell.
303
00:13:48,269 --> 00:13:49,643
Well, that was a bust.
304
00:13:49,770 --> 00:13:52,354
Sorry, I've been holding this in
since burger king.
305
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,315
Oh, seriously? You're just
gonna leave that there?
306
00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:57,109
These people have suffered
a terrible loss.
307
00:13:57,236 --> 00:13:59,361
At least cover it with leaves
or something.
308
00:13:59,530 --> 00:14:00,863
Ugh, fine.
309
00:14:04,535 --> 00:14:06,202
Joe, look.
I found something.
310
00:14:07,163 --> 00:14:09,580
-It's a key to a storage unit.
-How do you know that?
311
00:14:09,665 --> 00:14:12,124
Yeah, me and bonnie have been
doing a fun role-play thing
312
00:14:12,251 --> 00:14:14,168
Where she dresses up
like a sexy maid
313
00:14:14,253 --> 00:14:17,379
And then locks me in a storage
unit while guys come over.
314
00:14:17,465 --> 00:14:19,340
-Oh.
-Yeah, it's pretty kinky.
315
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:22,426
I, uh, I play the role of
a sexy armoire,
316
00:14:22,512 --> 00:14:24,011
Waiting in another room.
317
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:26,889
Sounds like she just wants you
out of the house for a while.
318
00:14:26,974 --> 00:14:29,308
Nah. No.
319
00:14:34,315 --> 00:14:36,357
It's okay, lois.
It's a big store.
320
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:38,067
You may not even run into peter.
321
00:14:38,194 --> 00:14:41,111
Good morning.
How much are the mussels?
322
00:14:41,197 --> 00:14:43,364
$34 a month
at bally's total fitness.
323
00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:44,823
-(bell chimes)
-peter?
324
00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:46,492
Why are you
behind the fish counter?
325
00:14:46,536 --> 00:14:49,662
I got a promotion,
emphasis on the "otion."
326
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,080
-(bell chimes)
-fine.
327
00:14:51,165 --> 00:14:52,790
What do you got that's fresh?
328
00:14:52,917 --> 00:14:54,333
Well, I got
a teenage son at home.
329
00:14:54,377 --> 00:14:56,252
-What a mouth on that kid.
-(bell chimes)
330
00:14:56,337 --> 00:14:59,088
That's it! You have
ruined groceries for me!
331
00:14:59,215 --> 00:15:01,549
Get the hell out of my store,
you imbecile!
332
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:04,552
Um, excuse me, miss, did you
just yell at this employee?
333
00:15:04,679 --> 00:15:06,053
You're damn right I did.
334
00:15:06,138 --> 00:15:08,180
He has no business being here.
335
00:15:08,266 --> 00:15:10,808
This man is a member
of the stop 'n shop family.
336
00:15:10,935 --> 00:15:13,018
He has every business
being here.
337
00:15:13,104 --> 00:15:15,187
You, on the other hand,
will have to go.
338
00:15:15,314 --> 00:15:16,480
You're banned from the store.
339
00:15:16,566 --> 00:15:18,190
(chuckles nervously):
What? No.
340
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:19,483
Y-you can't do this.
341
00:15:19,569 --> 00:15:21,360
I have shopped here
my whole life.
342
00:15:21,487 --> 00:15:23,445
Yes, we know.
If it's any consolation,
343
00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:25,239
You'll be in
the "in memoriam" section
344
00:15:25,366 --> 00:15:27,157
Of the grocery store oscars.
345
00:15:27,243 --> 00:15:29,034
("I will remember you"
by sarah mclachlan playing)
346
00:15:29,161 --> 00:15:34,999
♪ I will remember you ♪
347
00:15:36,168 --> 00:15:41,213
-♪ will you remember me? ♪
-(cheering)
348
00:15:42,466 --> 00:15:45,676
-♪ don't let your life... ♪
-(man coughs)
349
00:15:45,803 --> 00:15:48,637
Lois: No! No, no, no. You can't
put me after betty white.
350
00:15:48,723 --> 00:15:51,015
Didn't brenda vaccaro die
or something?
351
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:52,600
(gasps) no.
352
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:55,936
I live here in aisle four
with the kotex tampons.
353
00:15:56,022 --> 00:15:58,063
(wheezing)
354
00:15:58,190 --> 00:15:59,940
Still more absorbent
than the leading brand.
355
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:01,525
(wheezing)
356
00:17:38,616 --> 00:17:40,450
The worst part is,
I can't even go back
357
00:17:40,577 --> 00:17:42,327
To my favorite grocery store.
358
00:17:42,454 --> 00:17:44,912
I personally think
you should give peter a taste
359
00:17:45,081 --> 00:17:48,458
Of his own medicine and
get a job at his special place.
360
00:17:48,543 --> 00:17:50,460
The men's room at logan airport?
361
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,253
No, the drunken clam.
362
00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:54,547
Oh, okay, 'cause he had
this one experience there
363
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,299
That he still talks about
to this day,
364
00:17:56,384 --> 00:17:59,093
But that is an intriguing idea,
bonnie.
365
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:00,553
I'm glad you think so.
366
00:18:00,638 --> 00:18:03,222
Well, as white women
in conversation,
367
00:18:03,308 --> 00:18:05,224
We're now obligated
to spend five minutes
368
00:18:05,310 --> 00:18:07,143
Talking about sedona, arizona.
369
00:18:07,270 --> 00:18:08,936
-Oh, I'd love to go.
-I know.
370
00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:12,357
My friend linda got a massage
there after her divorce.
371
00:18:12,484 --> 00:18:14,442
And my friend trish
bought a painting there.
372
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:16,903
-Oh, we got to go.
-We got to go.
373
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,618
Hey, you two haven't
seen peter, have you?
374
00:18:23,661 --> 00:18:25,661
Asking as a waitress
trying to teach him a lesson
375
00:18:25,747 --> 00:18:28,456
By working at his favorite
place, not as his wife.
376
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:31,292
Whoa, check out the turd-cutter
on the new chick.
377
00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:33,294
That's right.
I work here now.
378
00:18:33,421 --> 00:18:35,421
I'm gonna be here all the time.
379
00:18:35,507 --> 00:18:37,382
Oh, how does it feel
to have someone invade
380
00:18:37,509 --> 00:18:39,133
Your special space?
381
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,426
It feels great!
382
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,136
Speaking of
invading special places,
383
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,262
How about this?
384
00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:45,306
Hey, sweetie,
when do you get off work?
385
00:18:45,433 --> 00:18:47,683
Me and my wife are more friends
at this point than anything.
386
00:18:47,769 --> 00:18:49,227
Don't get me wrong,
she's a great gal,
387
00:18:49,312 --> 00:18:51,145
Raised my children,
but time takes its toll,
388
00:18:51,272 --> 00:18:52,313
You know what I mean?
389
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:53,940
What? My wife and I have
an arrangement,
390
00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:56,651
So I'm not doing anything
wrong here, technically.
391
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,694
Ah, well, this isn't working.
392
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,030
If you want to meet me
in my car later,
393
00:19:01,116 --> 00:19:03,491
It's the one with
the "blue lives matter" sticker.
394
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:06,702
But, like, not for cops,
it's for, it's for grover.
395
00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:12,458
Who's going in first?
396
00:19:12,544 --> 00:19:14,794
Kind of feels like you should
since you're a dog.
397
00:19:14,879 --> 00:19:16,045
Are you scared, joe?
398
00:19:16,172 --> 00:19:18,089
Would a scared person do this?
399
00:19:18,174 --> 00:19:21,050
-(screams)
-not so fast.
400
00:19:21,136 --> 00:19:23,219
(serial theme playing)
401
00:19:23,304 --> 00:19:24,720
Who is that?
402
00:19:24,806 --> 00:19:26,806
I'm guessing
it's the lady from serial.
403
00:19:26,891 --> 00:19:30,435
Oh, I certainly wouldn't
recognize a podcaster visually.
404
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:33,104
-I'm sarah koenig.
-Big fan of your work.
405
00:19:33,189 --> 00:19:35,815
No one turns another person's
suffering into profit better.
406
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:39,110
Listen up, I want this case
for my podcast,
407
00:19:39,195 --> 00:19:40,445
So you need to drop it.
408
00:19:40,530 --> 00:19:43,114
And if you don't,
I could make you disappear.
409
00:19:43,199 --> 00:19:45,441
We're sponsored
by casper mattresses.
410
00:19:45,493 --> 00:19:47,869
That wasn't a threat.
I have a code if you want it.
411
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:50,121
Man:
Stand down, sarah.
412
00:19:50,206 --> 00:19:51,998
I'm keith morrison,
413
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,750
And I want this case
for dateline.
414
00:19:54,878 --> 00:19:58,171
There are only a few hundred
unsolved murders left,
415
00:19:58,256 --> 00:20:01,966
And there's a million
true crime content creators.
416
00:20:02,093 --> 00:20:04,510
My grandson taught me that term.
417
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:07,597
Who's "okay, boomer" now?
418
00:20:08,683 --> 00:20:11,559
We're npr's team
of women with lisps
419
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,686
And names nobody's ever had,
420
00:20:13,771 --> 00:20:17,565
Like sylvia delgado-smith,
and audie takahashi o'shea.
421
00:20:17,692 --> 00:20:19,650
I'm chris hansen
from to catch a predator,
422
00:20:19,777 --> 00:20:21,819
And I'm just here
in case any of you
423
00:20:21,905 --> 00:20:23,154
Turn out to be pedophiles.
424
00:20:23,239 --> 00:20:25,448
Warm chocolate chip cookie,
anyone?
425
00:20:25,575 --> 00:20:28,159
No! I claimed this cold case
for serial.
426
00:20:28,244 --> 00:20:31,704
Not if I record a dateline
first.
427
00:20:32,207 --> 00:20:34,707
(all grunting)
428
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,590
(choking)
429
00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:44,634
♪ ♪
430
00:20:47,138 --> 00:20:48,513
(screaming)
431
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:50,556
(grunting)
432
00:20:58,274 --> 00:21:01,567
Please...
Rate and review my life.
433
00:21:01,653 --> 00:21:03,903
And someone take care of my dog
434
00:21:03,988 --> 00:21:06,948
You could usually hear
in the background of my podcast.
435
00:21:07,033 --> 00:21:08,991
(gasping)
436
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,326
(grunting)
437
00:21:11,329 --> 00:21:14,372
A foggy night
at a storage unit in quahog.
438
00:21:14,415 --> 00:21:17,291
The sleepy little town of quahog
439
00:21:17,377 --> 00:21:21,087
Is usually all tucked in
by 10:00 p.M.
440
00:21:21,172 --> 00:21:23,214
(clamoring)
441
00:21:23,299 --> 00:21:25,174
You know what?
We're no better than them.
442
00:21:25,301 --> 00:21:27,051
We've been exploiting
the victim's life
443
00:21:27,136 --> 00:21:28,761
For our own personal gain.
444
00:21:28,846 --> 00:21:31,055
I-I think it's time for us
to abandon writing this book.
445
00:21:31,140 --> 00:21:35,268
Or... Maybe we set it to rap
lyrics and take it to broadway?
446
00:21:35,436 --> 00:21:37,270
I think we're done here.
447
00:21:38,439 --> 00:21:40,273
You know, joe,
even though it didn't work out,
448
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:42,024
It was nice to spend
some time with someone
449
00:21:42,151 --> 00:21:43,651
Who actually believed
in my writing.
450
00:21:43,736 --> 00:21:47,530
Well, as someone who's never
read a book, I absolutely do.
451
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,287
The waitress from the clam!
Holy crap, has lois seen you?!
452
00:21:54,372 --> 00:21:55,413
We really don't have
an arrangement.
453
00:21:55,540 --> 00:21:56,414
You got to get out of here!
454
00:21:56,541 --> 00:21:57,957
Oh, peter, enough.
455
00:21:58,042 --> 00:22:00,251
-What's the matter?
-You wouldn't understand.
456
00:22:00,295 --> 00:22:02,587
Okay.
457
00:22:03,965 --> 00:22:06,007
I'd get back in there, chief.
458
00:22:07,176 --> 00:22:09,719
(sighs) chris made me come back.
459
00:22:09,804 --> 00:22:11,971
Oh, honey,
the grocery store isn't just
460
00:22:12,056 --> 00:22:14,098
Where I buy food for the family.
461
00:22:14,183 --> 00:22:15,433
It's my escape.
462
00:22:15,518 --> 00:22:17,685
My refuge
from being pestered
463
00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:19,186
With dumb questions
from the kids,
464
00:22:19,272 --> 00:22:20,938
Or having to clean up
your messes.
465
00:22:21,065 --> 00:22:24,275
Sometimes, just a stroll
down the ethnic food aisle
466
00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,819
Makes me feel like
I'm in a north african bazaar.
467
00:22:26,946 --> 00:22:28,821
Yeah, I don't like the smells
on that aisle.
468
00:22:28,990 --> 00:22:32,158
-And I don't know,
it's hard to explain, but...
-There's more?!
469
00:22:32,243 --> 00:22:34,827
It's not just
a grocery store to me.
470
00:22:34,912 --> 00:22:36,996
There's a whole
community of people there
471
00:22:37,081 --> 00:22:38,497
Who feel like family.
472
00:22:38,583 --> 00:22:40,958
And now,
now I have nothing.
473
00:22:41,044 --> 00:22:45,171
Aw, lois, I'm so sorry
for ruining your happy place.
474
00:22:45,256 --> 00:22:47,006
And I'm gonna take care of it.
475
00:22:47,091 --> 00:22:49,425
Just like I've been taking care
of that egg since high school.
476
00:22:49,594 --> 00:22:52,386
Oh, my god, I forgot to pick
him up from soccer practice!
477
00:22:53,306 --> 00:22:56,349
Hey, do you need me
to call your yolks?
478
00:22:59,145 --> 00:23:00,728
Look, you got to let lois
come back.
479
00:23:00,813 --> 00:23:03,147
Please remove the ban.
She loves this place.
480
00:23:03,232 --> 00:23:04,398
I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
481
00:23:04,484 --> 00:23:06,859
She yelled at
a mentally-challenged person,
482
00:23:06,944 --> 00:23:07,985
And that's unforgivable.
483
00:23:08,154 --> 00:23:09,528
What?
I'm not mentally challenged.
484
00:23:09,614 --> 00:23:11,447
You're not?
But that's literally
485
00:23:11,532 --> 00:23:13,407
The only reason we hired you.
486
00:23:13,451 --> 00:23:16,911
Would a mentally challenged
person be able to do this?
487
00:23:21,125 --> 00:23:23,459
Your name tag says "big petey."
488
00:23:23,544 --> 00:23:25,544
(scoffs) why do you think
we all gather round
489
00:23:25,672 --> 00:23:27,296
And applaud you while you ride
490
00:23:27,340 --> 00:23:28,923
The coin-operated horse
out front?
491
00:23:29,008 --> 00:23:30,257
'cause I'm good at horses?
492
00:23:30,343 --> 00:23:32,677
Wow. (chuckles)
I really thought...
493
00:23:32,762 --> 00:23:35,054
You know, we don't let
all our employees insist
494
00:23:35,181 --> 00:23:37,932
The customers feel their muscles
after bagging their order.
495
00:23:37,975 --> 00:23:39,183
Right?
496
00:23:39,310 --> 00:23:40,351
Okay, fine.
497
00:23:40,478 --> 00:23:42,311
Lois can come back,
but you're fired.
498
00:23:42,397 --> 00:23:44,146
I need you to turn in
your gun and badge.
499
00:23:44,315 --> 00:23:46,732
Well, I guess
my work here is done.
500
00:23:46,859 --> 00:23:48,526
To the mickey-copter!
501
00:23:51,197 --> 00:23:52,321
See, disney?
502
00:23:52,407 --> 00:23:54,490
Nothing here
but respectful synergy.