1 00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:04,503 ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,547 --> 00:00:07,589 ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ 3 00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:11,301 ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,303 --> 00:00:14,263 ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,306 --> 00:00:17,725 ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:21,311 ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:22,813 ♪ all the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,857 --> 00:00:24,106 ♪ laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:29,361 ♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:38,954 Hey, meg, what's with the cupcakes? 11 00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:40,205 I'm celebrating. 12 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:41,874 Oh, last night I had my period 13 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:44,001 Or miscarriage. Not sure which. 14 00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:46,462 Either way, happy un-birthday. 15 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:53,177 Where's my phone? I got to text patty 16 00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:55,012 And let her know she can have half of these 17 00:00:55,014 --> 00:00:56,513 For her cat's funeral. 18 00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:00,017 Coltrane's wake is gonna be lit. 19 00:01:00,061 --> 00:01:03,103 Pics to follow. 20 00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:06,523 What the hell? What happened? 21 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,733 [phone chimes] 22 00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:13,072 Hey, meg, no turkey dinner is complete 23 00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:16,075 Without a little under-nut squash. 24 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:18,786 [cackles] 25 00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:20,996 What a jerk. 26 00:01:25,211 --> 00:01:27,878 Oh, well. Time to go transport a texas resident 27 00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:29,713 To her reproductive health appointment. 28 00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:38,931 Okay, brian, let's play another round 29 00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:41,100 Of my favorite game: Read lois' mail 30 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,185 And laugh at her sad life. 31 00:01:43,229 --> 00:01:45,270 Uhp, fall lane bryant catalog. 32 00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:47,314 Looks like we'll be getting some cranberry pants 33 00:01:47,316 --> 00:01:48,690 In the mail. 34 00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:50,192 "fertility bank of new England." 35 00:01:50,236 --> 00:01:51,985 Oh, this one I've got to see. 36 00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:54,571 "dear lois pewterschmidt, thank you again 37 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:58,367 "for your compensated donation of ten eggs in 1997. 38 00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:01,453 "this letter is to inform you that the nine remaining eggs 39 00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:03,789 Have been destroyed for lack of interest." 40 00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:04,998 What? Let me see that. 41 00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:06,458 Oh, this is so perfect. 42 00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:09,253 The old slag literally sold her body for money. 43 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:10,963 All right, let's not judge her. 44 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,589 She was trying to earn a little extra money in college 45 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,424 And I wonder what human eggs taste like. 46 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,552 Wait a second. 47 00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:18,262 The nine remaining eggs? 48 00:02:18,264 --> 00:02:20,347 Lois donated ten eggs. 49 00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,057 If there were nine remaining, that means 50 00:02:22,101 --> 00:02:23,725 One of them was used? 51 00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:26,061 Hate how much I want to try human eggs right now. 52 00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:28,856 Brian, listen: I have a lost half-sibling. 53 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:31,191 He or she is just out there someplace. 54 00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:33,402 Why, I haven't been this shocked since chris showed me 55 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:34,486 His jack-in-the-box. 56 00:02:34,530 --> 00:02:37,489 Chris, what did you do to this box? 57 00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:40,534 It's not called a "jack elsewhere." 58 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,415 Oh, it's master. Here, master. 59 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:49,209 Master may change the tv to a channel that pleases her. 60 00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:51,003 Uh, what's going on? 61 00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:53,005 Master's latest social media post 62 00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,590 Has become popular on the internet, 63 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:56,717 So now master rules the family. 64 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:57,718 What are you talking about? 65 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,386 [phone chimes] 66 00:02:59,430 --> 00:03:00,429 Oh, my god! 67 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:05,350 This cupcake video got 20,000 likes. 68 00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:08,520 Only likes matter. Likes rule all. 69 00:03:08,564 --> 00:03:11,231 Wow, look at all these comments. People are saying 70 00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:14,318 I should get chris a fansonly page. What's fansonly? 71 00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:17,863 It's a fetish website where amateurs post racy videos 72 00:03:17,907 --> 00:03:19,740 That subscribers pay to see. 73 00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:22,284 Wait, people would pay money 74 00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:24,745 To watch a husky teen sit on food? 75 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:27,414 Oh, yeah. Very much so. 76 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,630 Um, would you be interested? 77 00:03:34,673 --> 00:03:35,631 I could set everything up 78 00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:37,007 And handle the administrative side. 79 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:40,219 You could just sit on stuff. We'd split the profits. 80 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,887 You think you're the first person 81 00:03:41,931 --> 00:03:43,889 To pitch me a crush fetish website? 82 00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:46,391 Go get a business plan, some seed capital 83 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:48,185 And an s-corp registered in the state of delaware 84 00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:50,938 And then maybe we'll talk. 85 00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:54,024 ♪ not everything has to be ♪ 86 00:03:54,068 --> 00:03:56,276 ♪ a montage ♪ 87 00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:59,655 ♪ meg filling out a bunch of forms ♪ 88 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:02,658 ♪ is not very interesting ♪ 89 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,576 ♪ but the guy who drew this ♪ 90 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,787 ♪ worked very hard ♪ 91 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,247 ♪ so we don't have the heart ♪ 92 00:04:08,290 --> 00:04:09,915 ♪ to cut it now ♪ 93 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,292 ♪ especially since that guy ♪ 94 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:15,128 ♪ recently lost custody ♪ 95 00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:18,924 ♪ of his children. ♪ 96 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:21,260 -I'm in. -[gasps] 97 00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:27,391 Rupert, I can't stop thinking about the fact 98 00:04:27,393 --> 00:04:29,434 That I've got a sibling out there someplace. 99 00:04:29,478 --> 00:04:31,395 So, today I will hack into the world's 100 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,397 Most sophisticated surveillance networks, 101 00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,482 Scan for pewterschmidt dna markers 102 00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,818 From lois' donated egg, locate my comrade, 103 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,696 -And together, we shall be unstopa-- -[facetime ringing] 104 00:04:41,824 --> 00:04:45,075 Stewie! Tell mommy that daddy fell! 105 00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:47,327 [audio cutting out] 106 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,706 Aha. We have a match. 107 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:53,917 In cambridge, massachusetts. 108 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,295 Of course. Someone sharing my dna 109 00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:59,381 May well be a scholar at harvard or mit. 110 00:04:59,425 --> 00:05:00,674 Or tufts. 111 00:05:00,718 --> 00:05:04,845 Oh, come on, the sat is not biased against bears. 112 00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,847 Jewish bears? You're jewish? 113 00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:08,432 No, it's fine, it's just... 114 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:10,475 It's just the kind of thing you tell someone. 115 00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:12,561 ♪ 116 00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,487 Supposedly, one of these eggheads 117 00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:25,407 Is my brother or sister, rupert. But which one? 118 00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:27,326 And how will we find each other? 119 00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:29,619 Perhaps we share mannerisms. 120 00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,164 Hey, "damn you all." yeah? 121 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:35,000 "curse you, vile woman." am I right? 122 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,961 "victory shall be mine"? You know? Anything? 123 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,629 That was big in the '90s. 124 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,381 [sighs] I don't understand. 125 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:44,343 My genius harvard sibling should be right here. 126 00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:46,511 [laughing] 127 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:48,930 [boston accent] eat my wizz, you harvard fruit bags. 128 00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,432 [zips] 129 00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:54,686 Oh, my god, that must be him. 130 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:55,854 And, hey, don't do that. 131 00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:57,356 Harvard is a respected institution 132 00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:59,524 That only produces our nation's finest. 133 00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:03,236 ♪ the boys are back in town, the boys are back in town ♪ 134 00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:09,076 ♪ I said the boys are back in town. ♪ 135 00:06:09,078 --> 00:06:10,535 Our apologies to the unabomber. 136 00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:12,079 It was a cheap shot to include him. 137 00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:20,754 [boston accent] so you and me got some of the same dna 138 00:06:20,798 --> 00:06:22,297 On account of your mom sold off 139 00:06:22,341 --> 00:06:23,340 Her inside parts? 140 00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,926 -Dude, that's bizarre. -Mm, quite. 141 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:27,636 Yeah, my mom didn't like how I came out, 142 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:28,887 So she left me in an orphanage, 143 00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:30,680 But nobody was adopting me, so screw that. 144 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,516 Got out of there, moved under the fenway stands. 145 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:34,684 I survive on racist bleacher farts. 146 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,186 That's great. Now, I don't suppose you have 147 00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,105 A hidden cache of advanced weaponry 148 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,731 And plans for global conquest? 149 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,024 Nah, but you know what I do got? 150 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,485 A list of five movies that I cry at the end of. 151 00:06:43,529 --> 00:06:44,986 Number one, braveheart. 152 00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,114 -Oh, yeah? -Yeah, that one gets me. 153 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,323 That gets me. 154 00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:50,075 Uh, number two, scarface, I cry. 155 00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:52,285 Guy builds up the whole empire and just dies, right? 156 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,204 Uh, number three, dodgeball. 157 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:56,081 Everybody looks past those guys. Nobody believed in 'em. 158 00:06:56,125 --> 00:06:57,374 Couldn't catch for nothing. 159 00:06:57,501 --> 00:07:00,127 I tell you, justin long-- he couldn't catch a cold 160 00:07:00,129 --> 00:07:02,504 And still they win the thing, you know? Here I go. 161 00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:11,138 Camera's rolling. You can go when you're ready. 162 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,557 Welcome, fansonly subscribers. 163 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,810 My dad fell in the shower, so we kinda need the money. 164 00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:17,936 [grunts] 165 00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:19,938 Ah. Thank you. 166 00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:21,982 Wow. That was great. 167 00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,317 -How was that for you? -It was amazing. 168 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:27,362 We just created art in front of our fans. 169 00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:29,739 I wonder if this is how french pointillist painter 170 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,533 Georges seurat felt. 171 00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:34,369 [all] oh... 172 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:36,413 Yeah! 173 00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:39,583 Oh... 174 00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:40,917 Yeah! 175 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,586 No way. Orange. 176 00:07:42,588 --> 00:07:43,837 Orange, you guys. 177 00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:46,465 Oh... 178 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:48,508 Yeah! 179 00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:49,885 Seurat! Seurat! Seurat! 180 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:52,053 What did I miss? Were the dots tiny? 181 00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:54,264 Oh, my god, so tiny. 182 00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,727 All right, here's my house. See? 183 00:07:58,770 --> 00:07:59,936 Anyway, it's been nice to meet you, 184 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,104 But I'm very busy today. 185 00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,772 No way. How come your house ain't attached 186 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,357 To two other houses on either side? 187 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:05,817 There can be just one house? 188 00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:06,943 Um, I guess. 189 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,236 And where's your american flag 190 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,696 But with blue stripes for cops? 191 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:10,822 I don't know, man, but listen, 192 00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:12,365 You can stay for just a few minutes. 193 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,992 No way, you got crazy straws? 194 00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:15,452 No, no, no, those are the fat man's. 195 00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:18,246 He likes to pretend his juice is on a roller coaster. 196 00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:20,040 I don't care, I'm using one. 197 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,958 All right, capri suns, 198 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,669 Who's ready to ride thunder mountain? 199 00:08:25,547 --> 00:08:27,506 Stewie, what the hell are you doing? 200 00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,925 You know the crazy straws are only for daddy. 201 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,968 -Up yours, old man. -That's it. 202 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,720 I'd give you the belt, but I wore 203 00:08:33,764 --> 00:08:35,347 A 1990s braided belt today, 204 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,933 And I like how it makes me look like blossom's dad. 205 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,351 Yeah? How about I give you the belt? 206 00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,394 -Aah! Stop it! You're hurting me. -Yeah, take that. 207 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,438 I'll drink out of any straw I want, you piece of crap. 208 00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,148 -You hear me? -I need that belt. 209 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,526 I'm taking my linkedin photo later. 210 00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,569 [whimpering] 211 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:52,697 Hmm. Turns out this thug 212 00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:54,282 May actually be useful to me. 213 00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:55,534 Well, isn't that a surprise? 214 00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:58,286 Like the japanese attack on david harbour. 215 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,248 Hi, kenji mifune, tokyo daily. 216 00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:04,584 Why do you always look like you just woke up in a dumpster? 217 00:09:08,966 --> 00:09:10,840 All right, rupert, time to make use 218 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,842 Of that crude boston body double. 219 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:13,927 Here we go. 220 00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:15,595 Lois, I'd like to request 221 00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:16,930 A later bedtime, please. 222 00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:18,557 I'm a big boy now, and I think 223 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,933 I can make it to 6:45. 224 00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,810 Go away, stewie, mommy's looking at 225 00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,687 Real estate listings and dreaming of 226 00:09:23,689 --> 00:09:25,105 Any life other than this. 227 00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:28,358 I see. All right, then. 228 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:35,574 -[furniture crashing, glass breaking] -[lois crying out] 229 00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:39,703 Your new bedtime is whenever you [bleep] want. 230 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:43,331 Splendid! I also have a school-related task for you. 231 00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:48,712 Um, class, I-I know teacher jeremy said 232 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:51,923 Everyone would get a turn as classroom star of the week, 233 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,634 But new plan. Uh, stewie will now be 234 00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:56,219 Star of the week every week. 235 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:59,306 Also, instead of circle time, we're just gonna watch tv dramas 236 00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:01,057 Where dennis leary plays a fireman. 237 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,518 That's a pretty smart cookie, that teacher jeremy. 238 00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:06,146 But right now we're gonna do show and tell. 239 00:10:06,189 --> 00:10:07,314 Who wants to go fir-- 240 00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:09,274 Stewie. Uh, let's do stewie. 241 00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:11,568 Oh, god, I don't got nothing prepared. 242 00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,278 Let me see what I got in my pockets here. 243 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,323 Um, here's a cumberland farms reward card. 244 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:18,199 Shotgun shell full of shark teeth. 245 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:20,285 Donnie wahlberg's actual cigar cutter, 246 00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:22,746 Key card for my ex-girlfriend's parking garage. 247 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,080 Zippo lighter I got in cancun. 248 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:25,206 I friggin' love cancun. 249 00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:26,583 I don't know why you'd go anywhere else. 250 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:29,961 Uh, flat, dry condom in case charlene's ovulating. 251 00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,546 Uh, clipping of a newspaper story 252 00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:33,381 Where I'm quoted about a house fire. 253 00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:35,333 And a bloody shoe from the marathon bombing 254 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,052 I keep in a caldor's bag in my closet. 255 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,595 Any questions? 256 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,860 That's smushboy15. He's gross. 257 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:56,196 He'll sit on anything. He's a sit slut. 258 00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:57,989 He's also really good at hearing the whispers 259 00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,574 Of nearby diners. 260 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,986 Excuse me, smushboy. 261 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,955 I-I'm wondering if you could come over 262 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,499 And sit on my wife's avocado? 263 00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,876 Come on, man, I'm out with my family. 264 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,252 You hollywood celebrities! 265 00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:14,631 Sheesh! Don't meet your heroes, huh? 266 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,348 [inhales, exhales deeply] 267 00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:27,185 Okay, everyone, this is another smushboy livestream. 268 00:11:27,229 --> 00:11:29,646 Let's try to play nice this time, okay? 269 00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,856 [man] hey, uh, squash that brownie with your knee. 270 00:11:31,942 --> 00:11:33,525 I don't do knee stuff. 271 00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:36,236 I told you guys that from the beginning. Geez. 272 00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:37,696 What the hell, chris? 273 00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,823 You've had a crummy attitude from the moment 274 00:11:39,866 --> 00:11:41,074 You walked in here this morning. 275 00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:43,076 Well, duh. The moment I walk in 276 00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:45,412 You start running new pie designs at me. 277 00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:47,163 What do we do with pie designs, meg? 278 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,207 Huh? What do we do? 279 00:11:49,251 --> 00:11:51,584 -Email them to tristan. -Email them to tristan. 280 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:54,129 Look, I don't like being a broken record here, 281 00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,047 But why do we have those Monday meetings 282 00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:58,591 If nobody's gonna follow the process? 283 00:11:58,593 --> 00:12:02,637 Anyone? Briana? Heath? Hello? 284 00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,097 You know what, guys, if you can't start 285 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:07,183 Sorting these things out, I don't see how we can even 286 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,018 Do summer fridays anymore. 287 00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,604 Oh, now you're paying attention. 288 00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:14,107 Chris, you can't talk to people like that. 289 00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:15,775 Oh, fine. Then maybe I'll talk like this. 290 00:12:15,861 --> 00:12:18,278 Everyone, I quit! 291 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,155 Come along, multiple exotic pets 292 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,532 Symbolizing my spiritual corruption. 293 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,877 Good night, stewie, at 11:45 p.M., 294 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,546 Which is a bedtime that works for you. 295 00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:39,716 I love you, sweetie. Mwah. 296 00:12:42,888 --> 00:12:44,888 Hey, that was kind of nice what just happened right there. 297 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,265 -What do you mean? -Well, you got a kiss from your mom, 298 00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:48,808 And not just 'cause you blew into that tube 299 00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,101 That lets her start the car. 300 00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:51,728 You know, I always wanted to get adopted 301 00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:52,937 And have parents of my own. 302 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,898 Heck, my old orphanage even has its annual 303 00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,274 Adoption fair next week, but 304 00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:57,859 Forget it, nobody wants to adopt 305 00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,110 A messed-up kid like me. 306 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:00,570 Hey, hey, hey. 307 00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:03,406 Can we not do shoes on my white area rug? 308 00:13:04,618 --> 00:13:08,077 And also, hey, hey, hey. You want to get adopted? 309 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,163 I will help you get adopted. 310 00:13:10,207 --> 00:13:11,831 -What? -Starting tomorrow, 311 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,876 I will teach you how to be a normal, adoptable child. 312 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,753 Aw, dude, that's awesome. 313 00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:17,796 All right, good night, kiddo. 314 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,163 I'm gonna go hide out in the dry tub 315 00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:20,465 And watch your sister take a wizz. 316 00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:29,140 Dad, thanks again for filling in 317 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,351 After chris got all big-headed and quit. 318 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,686 I'm excited to start shooting these videos with you. 319 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,230 Yeah, um, about the videos-- 320 00:13:35,232 --> 00:13:36,981 I couldn't help but notice 321 00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,567 You've got me squatting on generic jell-o, 322 00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,819 Not the name brand. 323 00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:42,153 Does it make a difference? 324 00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,697 [laughs] doe-does it make a difference? 325 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,324 You're-you're adorable. 326 00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:49,118 And why am I snorting regular cocaine 327 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:51,913 When I specifically requested bacon-wrapped cocaine? 328 00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:54,123 There's no such thing as bacon-wrapped cocaine. 329 00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,501 Yeah, tell that to chris farley's autopsy photo. 330 00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,711 Also, your nose is bleeding heavily. 331 00:13:59,756 --> 00:14:02,298 Yeah, that's allergies. I'm allergic to bacon and cocaine. 332 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,968 I tell you, this is the most unprofessional film set 333 00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:07,720 Since they cast timothée chalamet in dune. 334 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:10,640 My father came, not for spice, 335 00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:12,725 Not for riches-- 336 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,686 -Whoa-- wh-whoa! -Cut. 337 00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:16,437 -Wind guy. -I told you guys 338 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,565 He shouldn't be in windy movies. 339 00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,567 Freakin' told you guys. 340 00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:25,238 All right, we've got just one week 341 00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:28,491 To turn you into a normal, regular kid who can be adopted. 342 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,119 Parents love reading a-b-c books with their little ones, 343 00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:33,162 So let's practice that, shall we? 344 00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,583 A, asswipe. 345 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,960 Okay, close, close. How about this one? 346 00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,753 B, bastard. 347 00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,213 We are oh-for-two. 348 00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:43,506 Yeah, I'm gonna skip c. 349 00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:45,383 Feel like I know what you're gonna say for that. 350 00:14:45,427 --> 00:14:48,845 D, f. And I know you're gonna go for that f. 351 00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,054 Not the usual f. 352 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:52,181 Yeah, I'm not sure this is gonna work. 353 00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:57,395 You're, like, two hours late, dad. 354 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:59,188 I'm sorry meg, but as an artist, 355 00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,940 I simply cannot create 356 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,191 Until you are finished dry cleaning 357 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:05,069 -All of my Halloween costumes. -I tried, 358 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:06,821 But they couldn't get the stain out of your 359 00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,239 Emperor palpatine robe. 360 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:11,618 Take it someplace else. Take it everyplace else. 361 00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:12,869 Ugh. 362 00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,871 ♪ 363 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:18,041 ♪ we keep doing montages ♪ 364 00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:21,711 ♪ about the wrong things ♪ 365 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:24,464 ♪ here's another one we should have cut ♪ 366 00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:27,467 ♪ but the guy who draws these up ♪ 367 00:15:27,510 --> 00:15:31,387 ♪ and lost custody of his kids ♪ 368 00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,890 ♪ he got a dui ♪ 369 00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:37,518 ♪ since the last montage. ♪ 370 00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,356 [chris sighs] 371 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:47,153 Chris, what are you doing? [sniffs] 372 00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:49,155 Why does it smell so bad in here? 373 00:15:49,199 --> 00:15:52,116 Uh, well, my exotic pets 374 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,910 Somehow all killed each other. 375 00:15:55,205 --> 00:15:59,082 Still not quite sure what the sequence was there. 376 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,793 Anyway, meg, I just want to say I'm really happy 377 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:05,421 For you and dad that you're doing that website together. 378 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,465 Uh, thanks, chris. 379 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,092 No, thank you. 380 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:11,844 I just wish I didn't screw everything up, you know? 381 00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:13,680 Treated you like a carrot muffin 382 00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:15,306 I butt-smothered for money. 383 00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:17,976 But you're not a carrot muffin, you're my sister. 384 00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,268 And I forgot that. 385 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:22,105 It's okay, chris, I forgive you. 386 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,774 Hey, call out any boston market sides. 387 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,694 It's Friday, and we're gorgin'. 388 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,323 ♪ 389 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:38,663 Told you, stewie, nobody wants to adopt this loser. 390 00:16:42,419 --> 00:16:43,459 Okay, look sharp. 391 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,128 These people may be your last chance. 392 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:48,172 Just do everything the way we rehearsed it. 393 00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,466 Hey, little man, how are you? 394 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,094 I am fine and in good physical health. 395 00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,347 Aw. What kind of toys do you like, sweetie? 396 00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:59,017 Um, you know, a doll, because that's okay 397 00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:00,143 For a boy, I'm told. 398 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:01,853 But, you know, any-any toy's fine. 399 00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:03,438 An outside ball for throwing inside. 400 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,856 I mean, you know, whatever you got. 401 00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:07,191 So sweet. Hey, 402 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,818 What do you want to be when you grow up? 403 00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,028 When I grow up, I want to be 404 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,488 A body-cam-off police officer. 405 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,116 I-I mean, just a regular police officer. 406 00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:23,783 How would you like us to adopt you 407 00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:25,334 So that you can come live with us 408 00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:28,254 And be a jets fan, not a pats fan, 409 00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:30,590 Because we are a jets family. 410 00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,718 [exclaiming] 411 00:17:33,762 --> 00:17:37,096 [bleep] jets are a straight [bleep] [bleep] franchise, bro. 412 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,223 The last jet that actually mattered in nyc 413 00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,767 Is the one that hit the south tower. 414 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,310 Whoa, whoa. 415 00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:45,229 Okay, so that wasn't a match. 416 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:52,153 I'm sorry. I really thought I could help you find 417 00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:53,696 A family of your own. 418 00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:55,198 What's going on over there? 419 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:58,242 Holy crap, it's mark wahlberg's seven freckle-chested sisters 420 00:17:58,286 --> 00:17:59,327 From the fighter. 421 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:02,413 I'm sorry, ladies, you have to leave. 422 00:18:02,457 --> 00:18:03,998 What? For why? 423 00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,584 We caught you sneaking outside beers 424 00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:07,960 Into the adoption fair. 425 00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,254 If you're going to be at the adoption fair 426 00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:13,049 You have to buy adoption fair beers. 427 00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:15,134 Fine, we'll drink in the parking lot. 428 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,011 Whatever kid doesn't get picked, 429 00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:18,888 Just leave him outside. 430 00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:21,099 Hey, April, check out that one. 431 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:23,017 Whoa, now that's a good-looking 432 00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,812 Government subsidy right there. 433 00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:29,315 -Um, hi there. -Hey, bud. 434 00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:32,985 I see you got the same aaron hernandez tattoo I got. 435 00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:35,154 Want to come live with us? We live near an overpass 436 00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:37,740 And we got lots and lots of d batteries to throw. 437 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:43,746 Go on, get out of here. 438 00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,918 Have a great life with your seven moms. 439 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,628 Well, one of 'em will be my mom. 440 00:18:50,672 --> 00:18:52,380 Six of 'em will be my girlfriend. 441 00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:55,091 [short chuckle] the dude's a legend. 442 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:04,767 Hey, baby. I want to party with that ice cream cone. 443 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,061 Five bucks and I'll sit on it. 444 00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:10,231 Hey. Hey. 445 00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:14,902 Twenty bucks if you'll mash a chipwich with your knee. 446 00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,571 [sighs] 447 00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,281 Let's see the chipwich. 448 00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,950 No! He doesn't do knee stuff. 449 00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:23,202 What is wrong with you sickos? 450 00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:24,954 What happened to you, man? 451 00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:26,873 This is all I'm good for, meg. 452 00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,167 It's... It's all people see me as. 453 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,085 That's not true, chris. 454 00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,753 You have so much to offer, 455 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:35,423 And I've got something for you. 456 00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:36,757 Buttercream? 457 00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:39,427 You bet your ass, buttercream. 458 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:41,762 Wait. 459 00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:44,015 This one we do together. 460 00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:47,768 [laughing] 461 00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:49,937 ["love life us up where we belong" by joe cocker & jennifer warnes playing] 462 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:54,192 ♪ love lift us up where we belong ♪ 463 00:19:55,778 --> 00:19:58,029 ♪ where the eagles cry. ♪ 464 00:20:04,329 --> 00:20:06,913 So, chris, after your recent adventure 465 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:09,498 Behind the scenes of the adult video world, 466 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,210 You're probably not even able to enjoy pornography any-- 467 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,086 Wrong! 468 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,881 Uh, okay. Well, I got to go to 469 00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,132 The county registrar's office. 470 00:20:18,176 --> 00:20:20,259 Need to re-register our business as inactive 471 00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:22,220 And change our filing status. 472 00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,221 ♪ 473 00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:26,098 ♪ undoing a corporation ♪ 474 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:29,852 ♪ is surprisingly complicated ♪ 475 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,146 ♪ but it still doesn't make ♪ 476 00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:35,775 ♪ for a good montage. ♪ 477 00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:38,319 Hey, gavin. Yeah, it's dad. 478 00:20:38,363 --> 00:20:41,447 Well, the court say I get two guaranteed calls a week, 479 00:20:41,491 --> 00:20:44,116 So I'm calling. [chuckles] 480 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:47,370 Can you please tell your mother to get off the extension? 481 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:50,414 No, in-person visits have to be supervised, 482 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,833 But the calls do not have to be supervised, 483 00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:55,378 So she can get off the phone now. 484 00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:59,006 Daddy knows what mommy's breathing sounds like, bud. 485 00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:01,217 Get off the phone, janet!