1
00:00:01,544 --> 00:00:04,586
♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,631
♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪
3
00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,346
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:17,766
♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:21,311
♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:22,855
♪ all the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,106
♪ laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:30,112
♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:36,076
Good morning, family.
11
00:00:36,162 --> 00:00:38,328
Now, as you all know,
since four minutes ago,
12
00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:39,955
When I heard it on the radio,
13
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,790
It has been my lifelong dream
14
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:44,501
To compete in the st. Philip's
greasy pole contest,
15
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,796
Where shirtless men try
to climb across a greasy pole.
16
00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:48,964
Come on, chris, let's go.
17
00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:50,716
Now, hold on, peter,
you promised
18
00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:52,259
You'd run errands with me today.
19
00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:55,137
You can't just bail 'cause
you heard of some fun new thing.
20
00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:58,557
Lois, we both know I'm going to
the whatever-I-just-said thing.
21
00:00:58,642 --> 00:00:59,391
Meg will fill in for me.
22
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,893
Ugh, fine.
23
00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:03,062
All right, now, if you're
gonna be filling in for me,
24
00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,105
You need to complete
the online course.
25
00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:08,859
Congratulations on being picked
to fill in for me
26
00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:10,611
While I have a horse-around day.
27
00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:13,655
Now, let's talk dos and don'ts
around the workplace.
28
00:01:14,867 --> 00:01:16,533
Okay, let's see what
you've learned.
29
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,620
Describe the difference between
a tunic and a shawl
30
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:21,455
In as much detail as possible.
31
00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:22,581
Ugh.
32
00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:24,833
Congratulations on being
picked...
33
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,835
Every year there's some hotshot
who thinks
34
00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:29,129
They don't gotta watch
the video.
35
00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:36,804
Oh, no, I left my phone
in the car.
36
00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:38,764
Oh, weird. I forgot mine, too.
37
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,099
Should I run back and grab them?
38
00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,101
-Oh, we don't need 'em.
-No, we do not.
39
00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:45,145
I for one welcome
the lost art of conversation,
40
00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:47,564
Of which we are both ninjas,
my friend.
41
00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:49,691
Absolutely.
42
00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:54,571
♪ bah dah buh buh ba ♪
43
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:57,741
♪ bah dah buh buh da dah! ♪
44
00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,159
So, how you doing, man?
45
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:02,204
All good. All good in the hood.
46
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,956
Anything new? What's new?
47
00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:06,458
Same old, same old.
Life good? Family good?
48
00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:07,751
Yep, living the dream.
49
00:02:07,837 --> 00:02:10,879
D-r-e-a-m. No complaints.
50
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,339
Zero complaints.
51
00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,833
Dylan, right? Your son. He good?
52
00:02:14,927 --> 00:02:16,385
Most def.
53
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,346
Most def.
54
00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:21,765
[cell phone alerts chiming]
55
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:24,184
-Breaking news.
-I can't believe this.
56
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:26,478
I have a samsung, so my alert
hasn't come in yet.
57
00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:28,814
It's nice not being glued
to our phones
58
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,149
Like these sheeple, huh?
59
00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:31,150
[samsung phone chimes]
60
00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:33,402
[man] there it is. Oh, my god.
61
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,696
Slaves to the screen.
62
00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,789
Are we almost done?
63
00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:47,583
I need to find
stewie's rash cream,
64
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,793
But if you're not having fun,
go get a squeeze
65
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,420
From the blood pressure machine.
66
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,505
That always perks me up.
67
00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:57,217
[phone chiming]
68
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,636
Meg, oh, my god,
it's crazy here.
69
00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,222
Dad fell off the pole
and landed on his head,
70
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,183
And one of his eyes popped out.
71
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,310
We picked it up
and jammed it back in,
72
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:09,396
But the pupil was
on the other side.
73
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,190
I'm okay.
Just got a little headache.
74
00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:13,775
Also, dad gave me
a hard lemonade.
75
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,694
He's pretty out of it.
76
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:18,864
Total shocker,
chris and dad are having
77
00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,073
A very fun day.
78
00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:21,950
They're not the only ones, huh?
79
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:24,328
Oh, I also need to return
this loofah.
80
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,371
I mean, who was I kidding?
I'm a dial bar
81
00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:28,790
-Smeared right on the skin gal.
-Of course.
82
00:03:28,951 --> 00:03:31,668
Let me show you
to the returns section.
83
00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,962
[explosion]
84
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:37,132
[mort]
the prestige.
85
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:43,055
Well, I guess janet
forgave robert for jamaica.
86
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,182
-What are you talking about?
-The wedding's back on.
87
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:48,477
And janet officially has
no backbone.
88
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:49,728
What are you doing?
89
00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:51,230
Um, eating a sandwich.
90
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:54,024
Brian griffin,
I ordered ramen for us.
91
00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,400
We planned this last night.
92
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,736
We did?
I don't-- I don't remember.
93
00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,404
You were too drunk to remember?
94
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,948
I've been dying
to try this place.
95
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:02,407
You said we could
do it together.
96
00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:03,992
-Stewie, it's not--
-[knock on door]
97
00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,788
Uh, ramen for stewie and brian?
98
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,706
Apparently it's just for stewie.
99
00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:11,833
-Everything okay?
-No, it's not!
100
00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:14,086
[sobbing]
101
00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:15,504
Stewie, what the hell was that?
102
00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:16,838
What happened to us?
103
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,298
I thought we were best friends.
104
00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:19,716
We have nothing to say
at brunch,
105
00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:21,969
We don't listen to each other,
we forget plans we made.
106
00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:24,304
By the way, the
"we" in all this is you.
107
00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:26,348
Don't be dramatic,
stewie, we're fine.
108
00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:29,101
No, we're not.
Best friends talk about stuff.
109
00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,311
I-I don't--
what do you want me to do?
110
00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,939
If you're really asking,
I saw a therapist
111
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,357
On the today show talking about
112
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:37,818
The emergence of
friendship therapy.
113
00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:38,944
I think it could help us.
114
00:04:39,071 --> 00:04:41,488
-No.
-[crying]
115
00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:43,991
-[sighs] fine.
-Oh, brian, this is great.
116
00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:45,909
It'll give us
the fresh start we need.
117
00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,245
Like when tom brady
moved to tampa bay.
118
00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:51,957
All right!
Now I get to cheat in shorts.
119
00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:55,294
I'm peyton manning,
and I approve this message.
120
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,760
So, yeah, this is how I reload
my purse with mom stuff.
121
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:07,264
-It's very important
to always be prepared.
-Didn't ask.
122
00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,433
Travel-size lotion,
hand sanitizer,
123
00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:12,185
Tic tacs, so I can
skip brushing my teeth.
124
00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:13,854
Dawg, you still gotta brush.
125
00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,856
Oh, and mom hack 68:
126
00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,066
Buy the $2.00
plastic rain bonnet.
127
00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:21,945
They're made at the same factory
that makes the $9.00 ones.
128
00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:25,532
Don't ask me how I know.
129
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:29,077
Oh, meg, don't look for a sec.
130
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,331
Okay, it's safe.
131
00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:36,543
Our treat for an epic
errands day.
132
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,670
Amazing.
133
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,381
Big surprise, I didn't win.
134
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,133
Didn't win what?
135
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:49,973
Oh, my god, meg, I won!
136
00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:54,061
You're kidding.
Mom, this is amazing.
137
00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:55,812
Ah! I know, I can't believe it.
138
00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:59,191
It's even more exciting than
the creation of broccolini.
139
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:01,068
What is this new plant?
140
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,486
Let me ask you a question.
141
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,488
-Do you like broccoli?
-Not really.
142
00:06:04,615 --> 00:06:09,409
Well, I think I just figured out
a way to make it harder to eat.
143
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,956
I can't believe
you won ten grand.
144
00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:17,417
I know. I wonder how soon
I can get that
145
00:06:17,503 --> 00:06:19,628
House water filtration system
installed.
146
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,380
A couple weeks? A month?
147
00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,715
-What is wrong with you?
-Wh-what do you mean?
148
00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:26,218
You win a boatload of money,
and your first thought is
149
00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:27,969
A water filtration system?!
150
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,555
How do you not
blow your brains out?
151
00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,641
Oh, these systems are very cool.
152
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,935
No, they're not! They're boring.
153
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,062
Everything you do is boring.
154
00:06:37,189 --> 00:06:39,231
That's why we all want
to hang out with dad.
155
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,066
Imagine what he'd do
with ten grand.
156
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:44,277
Something super stupid
and selfish and awesome,
157
00:06:44,405 --> 00:06:45,445
That's what.
158
00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:53,245
-Dad's not the only
fun one, you know.
-Uh-huh?
159
00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,539
Oh, you don't believe me?
Okay, okay.
160
00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:58,041
Well, what if--
what if we use the money
161
00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,127
For something fun? For just us.
162
00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,838
-Like what?
-Like going on a top-secret
163
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,048
-Mother/daughter trip.
-Really?
164
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,300
Mom, that would be amazing.
165
00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:10,011
Great. Now let's keep
this same energy
166
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,722
While we take a quick detour
for my mammogram.
167
00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:15,058
Whoo-hoo! Girls' trip!
168
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,309
How's it looking in there?
169
00:07:16,395 --> 00:07:18,937
Well, it's probably nothing.
170
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:21,440
[weakly]
ooh, girls' trip.
171
00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,905
[man over p.A.] final call
for vacation airlines flight
172
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:30,449
To vacation destination.
173
00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:32,701
I can't believe we're
going on a secret trip.
174
00:07:32,828 --> 00:07:35,370
This is so cool.
What did you tell dad?
175
00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,330
Oh, pfft, he won't even know
we're gone.
176
00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:39,124
I got him
his favorite babysitter.
177
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:42,085
Lois says we're allowed
to stay up past 9:00.
178
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:43,753
The note says 9:00.
179
00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:45,046
Not if it's special.
180
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,631
And we're allowed
to watch beetlejuice.
181
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:50,218
The note specifically says
"no beetlejuice."
182
00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,054
I'm allowed to watch coco,
183
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,640
And it's basically
the same thing.
184
00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:02,939
I'm dr. Wagner.
Please take a seat.
185
00:08:03,025 --> 00:08:04,316
This is a test, right?
186
00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:07,152
You're free to sit
anywhere you like.
187
00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,071
Yeah? This right?
188
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,449
There's no right or wrong.
189
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,496
Aha, you lost.
You sat too quick.
190
00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:19,539
Are you uncomfortable
that brian had the confidence
191
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,082
-To choose a seat?
-Yes!
192
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,459
Brian one, stewie zero.
193
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,961
Actually, brian,
this isn't a contest.
194
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,463
Yes. One to one.
195
00:08:26,548 --> 00:08:27,672
Stewie, please sit.
196
00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:28,965
I may just stand.
197
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,009
Oh, indecisive. Two to one.
198
00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:33,929
Doc's going pen to pad,
and you gotta think
199
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,348
Stewie just evened up the score.
200
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:45,899
It does look like we have
an ocean-view suite available
201
00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:48,443
For an extra $500
if you are interested.
202
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:51,238
You know what, yes,
we'll take it.
203
00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:53,490
The snapple babes are
living it up.
204
00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:54,741
Very good.
205
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,326
So the room isn't quite ready.
206
00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,036
Would you like to inconveniently
207
00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,204
Grab your swimsuits
from your luggage
208
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,455
And use the pool while you wait?
209
00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:03,583
Oh, that's okay,
we'll just buy new bathing suits
210
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,418
At the lobby store.
211
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:06,711
[all gasp]
212
00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:08,505
Snapple babes?
213
00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:09,881
And for our survey,
214
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:11,174
How'd you hear about the resort?
215
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:14,135
That rich lady from the news
was murdered here.
216
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,680
Yep, that is what
most people say.
217
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,351
Hey, stewie,
what are you watching?
218
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:24,646
-Uh, uh, the gilded age.
-Seriously?!
219
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,022
I couldn't wait, I'm sorry.
220
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,440
I'll watch it again
with you tonight.
221
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,067
Oh, and have you stare at me
right before
222
00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:30,860
Something big happens? No way.
223
00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:32,153
You know what,
you know what, good.
224
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,488
I'll watch shows on my own, too.
225
00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:36,074
I can finally watch something
after 7:00 p.M.
226
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:39,327
Dr. Wagner would want us to play
big problem, small problem.
227
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:42,330
A big problem is sometimes
a hospital problem.
228
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,082
A small problem is
something like
229
00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:45,333
Your friend watches a show--
230
00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,502
I'm not listening to this crap.
This is stupid.
231
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,504
You feel like this is stupid?
232
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:52,465
Dr. Wagner says to use
"I feel" statements.
233
00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:55,176
I feel like you are
making up rules--
234
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,803
Oh, stewie's got the ipad.
235
00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:58,888
Stewie, daddy's just gonna
take the ipad
236
00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:00,599
Into the bathroom, okay?
237
00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,976
He took my etch a sketch.
238
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:06,646
[peter]
siri, show me "busty latinas."
239
00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:10,025
Busty latinas.
240
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,986
Can somebody reset the wi-fi?
241
00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:20,285
-Have you decided?
-Yes.
242
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,496
We'd like two lava flows
in hollowed-out pineapples,
243
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:26,833
And sweet potato fries
in a hollowed-out coconut.
244
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,251
Any food or drink you bring us
245
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:30,503
Should be inside
a hollow fruit.
246
00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,381
Excuse me, my son and I
couldn't help but notice
247
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:36,676
You ordered all your food
in hollowed-out fruit.
248
00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:38,094
You must be very rich.
249
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,096
Oh, thanks for noticing.
250
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,222
So what are your names?
251
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,558
You can call us
the snapple babes.
252
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,061
[chuckles] yeah, we're famous.
253
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,729
Well, maybe you can tell us
254
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,064
All about it over dinner.
255
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,066
Shall we say one of
the three overpriced
256
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,567
Hotel restaurants at 8:00?
257
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:56,029
-[chuckles] we shall.
-See you then.
258
00:11:03,622 --> 00:11:05,330
I forgot these are prescription,
259
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:08,667
But those are two
smokin'-hot blobs.
260
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,590
So, last session
I asked you each
261
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,134
To write a love song
to your friendship.
262
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,053
Let's start with brian.
263
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,013
Whatever. [clears throat]
264
00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,515
♪ stewie, stewie ♪
265
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,383
♪ oh, yeah ♪
266
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:26,643
♪ awesome guy. ♪
267
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,853
What the hell was that?
You couldn't be bothered
268
00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:30,939
To spend five minutes
preparing something?
269
00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,358
Like it matters.
This is so stupid.
270
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:34,234
You're stupid!
271
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,443
[grunting, straining]
272
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,653
Guys, please.
273
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,446
Admit you exaggerate
your accent.
274
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:42,158
Admit you wear shirts from
museums you've never been to.
275
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,953
Enough!
276
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:46,996
This is ridiculous.
277
00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:48,623
Your relationship is toxic.
278
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,709
You're not married,
you're not blood relatives.
279
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:52,293
Why continue?
280
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,045
[inhales deeply]
281
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:56,589
In my entire career,
282
00:11:56,717 --> 00:12:00,343
I have never given this advice,
but it is my opinion
283
00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:03,763
That you should end
this friendship.
284
00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:06,224
-Fine by me.
-Makes my life easier.
285
00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:07,934
Also, your insurance card
didn't go through,
286
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:09,644
And when I looked again
I realized
287
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,104
It was a robek's juice card.
288
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,939
You went to suny albany.
289
00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,733
You'll take it and like it.
290
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:20,113
Okay, this is
a bartering culture,
291
00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,240
So we have to haggle over
an amount of money
292
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:25,118
We wouldn't even pick up
if we dropped it on the ground.
293
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,706
[both gasp, yelp]
294
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,541
[both grunting]
295
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:34,377
[tires squealing]
296
00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:36,337
[meg]
mom, what are they gonna do
with us?
297
00:12:36,465 --> 00:12:38,047
[lois]
if you let my daughter go,
298
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,716
You can do whatever you want
to me.
299
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:43,470
In the following order:
You, you, blond-arm-hair guy,
300
00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,388
You two,
maybe a quick lunch and shower,
301
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,682
Then blond-arm-hair guy again
if he's into it.
302
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,439
♪ ♪
303
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,821
[gasps]
you two?
304
00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,531
Where are we?
305
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:09,412
It's a co-kidnapping space.
306
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:10,955
It used to be a wework.
307
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,916
Oh, I saw that documentary.
Meh.
308
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,375
Sorry to interrupt.
309
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,377
Is there, like, a trick
to the keurig machine?
310
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,755
Hey, man. Yeah,
it's probably just out of water.
311
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,176
God, there's nothing in here.
312
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,677
Where's the money?
313
00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,638
Uh, I'd look in the lobby store.
314
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,098
Ah, guilty as charged. [laughs]
315
00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,267
No, but they do have fun stuff
in there.
316
00:13:31,353 --> 00:13:34,020
Shut up! The real money will
be the ransom, anyways.
317
00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,105
We've never captured
a beverage heiress before.
318
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,441
What?! Who do you think we are?
319
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:40,819
We know
you're the snapple family.
320
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,111
[laughing]
oh, no.
321
00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,405
This is a big misunderstanding.
322
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:48,076
We just won a snapple contest,
then spent all the money.
323
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,702
[scoffs]
you're worthless!
324
00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,162
[mechanical whirring]
325
00:13:51,248 --> 00:13:53,706
[kidnapper]
it was the water.
326
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,167
[string instruments playing]
327
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,128
And do you, janet, take robert
to be your husband?
328
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,547
I do.
329
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,965
...Forgive you about jamaica.
330
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:03,967
[chuckles softly]
am I right?
331
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,973
Brian, what are you doing here?
332
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,474
I should ask you that.
333
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,393
Can't believe you came,
knowing I'd be here.
334
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,145
Well, I'm not gonna punish janet
for what happened between us.
335
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,106
Okay,
but just keep your distance.
336
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,024
Fine, I get from the bar
337
00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:22,402
To the bridesmaid
having a terse, ugly argument
338
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:23,570
With her boyfriend.
339
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,697
Okay, and I get from her
340
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:29,993
To the bald uncle looking around
before telling a racist joke.
341
00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:32,328
So, how long we thinking
342
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,455
Until stewie makes
this whole event about him?
343
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,458
Ten minutes? Shall we put
a little cashish on it?
344
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,669
I just asked you
to pass the butter.
345
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,629
I don't know who stewie is.
346
00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:43,464
Do yourself a favor,
keep it that way.
347
00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:46,259
I think we're supposed to sit
at the tables we were assigned.
348
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,012
Yeah, no, they said
I could kind of be a roamer.
349
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,348
[sniffs]
smells like butt.
350
00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,267
Let me guess.
Brian was just here?
351
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,644
-Who's brian?
-I think that's the dog guy.
352
00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:59,689
I thought this table was just
supposed to be cornell people.
353
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:07,280
Oh, my god.
Mom, we're gonna die.
354
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,577
Oh, no, we're not.
355
00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:14,203
I have a plan.
356
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,164
Uh, hey, guys,
you know, if you're hungry,
357
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:18,499
I have a half a granola bar
in my purse.
358
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,294
This purse is useless,
just like you!
359
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,379
Huh. The good people
360
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:25,840
At t.J. Maxx may disagree
with you there.
361
00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,592
[grunts]
362
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,097
[grunting]
363
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,016
-[grunts]
-huh?
364
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,476
[both grunt]
365
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,604
[panting]
366
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:42,106
[screaming]
367
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,192
-[man grunts]
-[lois screams]
368
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,528
[grunting]
369
00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:56,663
[grunts]
370
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,503
[both grunting]
371
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,549
-Good day.
-Good day.
372
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:09,968
Both men:
Good day.
373
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:13,471
It was them
in the nine-dollar rain bonnets!
374
00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:16,307
Told you these look
like the expensive ones.
375
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,481
[meg gasps]
376
00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:33,199
[groans]
377
00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:35,785
[groans]
378
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:38,037
Never mess with a mom.
379
00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:40,081
Meg, help me tie up their hands
380
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,916
With these extremely long
cvs receipts.
381
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,459
Why did you save these?
382
00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:45,044
Oh, there's
a carpet-cleaning coupon
383
00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:47,463
On the back
that I'm curious about.
384
00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:52,093
[upbeat,
instrumental rock playing]
385
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,888
I'd like to invite
all the single ladies
386
00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:57,515
To the dance floor!
387
00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,767
[screaming]
388
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,936
How about the single fellas?
389
00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:04,564
[cheering, whooping]
390
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,318
Now, some slowly-building
emotional music
391
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:11,904
For estranged friends
to look at each other
392
00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:14,824
And regret their rift!
393
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:17,160
[playing slow, gentle music]
394
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:29,964
Ah. What are we doing?
395
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,008
[microphone feedback squeals]
396
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:34,677
Hey, I, uh, have a toast.
397
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,638
[clears throat]
398
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:40,266
You know, sometimes,
against all odds,
399
00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:42,185
Two people find each other
400
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:44,562
In this crazy place
we call "earth."
401
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,482
Sure, they might have problems,
402
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,609
And they might not always agree
with each other,
403
00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:53,196
And a therapist may even tell
them they shouldn't be friends.
404
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,948
But what I realized is
405
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,950
I don't want a friend
I can get along with.
406
00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,702
I can get along with anybody.
407
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,537
[man]
table two hates you, dude!
408
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,207
I want a friend who I can laugh
with because they also noticed
409
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:06,417
That no one else
is drinking cream soda,
410
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,544
Which means the guy in jeans
brought it from home.
411
00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:10,213
I knew they wouldn't have it!
412
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:11,422
I want a friend
413
00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,549
Who will publicly shame
a mom-and-pop cafe
414
00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,760
For having slightly too few
blueberries in their muffin.
415
00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,303
[stewie]
call it something else,
416
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,971
'cause it ain't
a blueberry muffin.
417
00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,182
Stewie, this is for you.
418
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:28,397
[playing upbeat rock tune]
419
00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:30,233
♪ stewie, stewie ♪
420
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,903
♪ oh, yeah,
you're my best friend! ♪
421
00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:36,239
He did the work.
422
00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:46,916
Stewie, I'd rather be toxic
and unhealthy together
423
00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:48,793
Than toxic and unhealthy apart.
424
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,462
Me, too, bri.
Let's be best friends again.
425
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:53,172
What do you say
we hit the photo booth
426
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:55,049
And take a couple
of funny photos?
427
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,634
I've heard
they have hilarious props.
428
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,053
-No props.
-Yeah, no props, yeah.
429
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:02,431
[cleveland]
but stewie did use props,
430
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,308
And they had a big fight
about it,
431
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:05,810
And it took
a whole other wedding
432
00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:07,270
For them to make up again.
433
00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,980
I'm cleveland brown,
434
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:12,024
And I know
my show was better than this.
435
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:17,238
I can't believe
we made it home safe.
436
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:20,241
It was so lucky you had
all that stuff in your purse.
437
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,077
Oh, sweetie,
luck had nothing to do with it.
438
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:26,289
I'm a mom, and moms have
to be prepared for anything.
439
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,666
I really wanted to show you
I could be fun like dad,
440
00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,084
But look where that got us.
441
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,544
At the end of the day,
442
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,963
Someone's got
to be the responsible one here.
443
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:35,464
I guess you're right, mom.
444
00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:38,176
I mean, we all love your
father's water balloon fights,
445
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:40,803
But someone's got to pick up
all the tiny balloon pieces
446
00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:42,180
From the grass.
447
00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:44,473
That's my role, and it's fine.
448
00:19:44,559 --> 00:19:46,058
Do you think
someday I'll be a boring,
449
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:48,019
Taken-for-granted wife and mom?
450
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:51,272
Oh, I think you're well
on your way, sweetheart.
451
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,695
Oh. How was he?
452
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,530
Fine, but let's just say
453
00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:02,241
There's the exact same number
of carrots as when you left.
454
00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,118
Well, that sounds about right.
455
00:20:04,278 --> 00:20:05,912
He also said you said
456
00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:08,456
Yogurt-covered pretzels
are a healthy snack.
457
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,416
-[lois sighs]
-[peter] you did say that!
458
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:13,294
-Compared to cheetos, they are.
-You just said it again!
459
00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:20,468
[clicking, whooshing]
460
00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:22,637
-Here are your waffles.
-Thanks so much.
461
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:24,013
Yay, that was quick.
462
00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:26,515
[phones whooshing]
463
00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:34,440
Can I grab anything else
for you?
464
00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,734
-No, this is great!
-Cheat day!
465
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,624
♪ ♪