1 00:00:01,544 --> 00:00:04,586 ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,631 ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ 3 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,343 ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,346 ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:17,766 ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:21,311 ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:22,855 ♪ all the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,106 ♪ laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:30,112 ♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,869 --> 00:00:36,076 Good morning, family. 11 00:00:36,162 --> 00:00:38,328 Now, as you all know, since four minutes ago, 12 00:00:38,414 --> 00:00:39,955 When I heard it on the radio, 13 00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:41,790 It has been my lifelong dream 14 00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:44,501 To compete in the st. Philip's greasy pole contest, 15 00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:47,796 Where shirtless men try to climb across a greasy pole. 16 00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:48,964 Come on, chris, let's go. 17 00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:50,716 Now, hold on, peter, you promised 18 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:52,259 You'd run errands with me today. 19 00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:55,137 You can't just bail 'cause you heard of some fun new thing. 20 00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:58,557 Lois, we both know I'm going to the whatever-I-just-said thing. 21 00:00:58,642 --> 00:00:59,391 Meg will fill in for me. 22 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,893 Ugh, fine. 23 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:03,062 All right, now, if you're gonna be filling in for me, 24 00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:05,105 You need to complete the online course. 25 00:01:06,233 --> 00:01:08,859 Congratulations on being picked to fill in for me 26 00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:10,611 While I have a horse-around day. 27 00:01:10,696 --> 00:01:13,655 Now, let's talk dos and don'ts around the workplace. 28 00:01:14,867 --> 00:01:16,533 Okay, let's see what you've learned. 29 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,620 Describe the difference between a tunic and a shawl 30 00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:21,455 In as much detail as possible. 31 00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:22,581 Ugh. 32 00:01:23,375 --> 00:01:24,833 Congratulations on being picked... 33 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,835 Every year there's some hotshot who thinks 34 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:29,129 They don't gotta watch the video. 35 00:01:34,470 --> 00:01:36,804 Oh, no, I left my phone in the car. 36 00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:38,764 Oh, weird. I forgot mine, too. 37 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,099 Should I run back and grab them? 38 00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:42,101 -Oh, we don't need 'em. -No, we do not. 39 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:45,145 I for one welcome the lost art of conversation, 40 00:01:45,231 --> 00:01:47,564 Of which we are both ninjas, my friend. 41 00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:49,691 Absolutely. 42 00:01:53,030 --> 00:01:54,571 ♪ bah dah buh buh ba ♪ 43 00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:57,741 ♪ bah dah buh buh da dah! ♪ 44 00:01:57,868 --> 00:01:59,159 So, how you doing, man? 45 00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:02,204 All good. All good in the hood. 46 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,956 Anything new? What's new? 47 00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:06,458 Same old, same old. Life good? Family good? 48 00:02:06,585 --> 00:02:07,751 Yep, living the dream. 49 00:02:07,837 --> 00:02:10,879 D-r-e-a-m. No complaints. 50 00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,339 Zero complaints. 51 00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,833 Dylan, right? Your son. He good? 52 00:02:14,927 --> 00:02:16,385 Most def. 53 00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,346 Most def. 54 00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:21,765 [cell phone alerts chiming] 55 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:24,184 -Breaking news. -I can't believe this. 56 00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:26,478 I have a samsung, so my alert hasn't come in yet. 57 00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:28,814 It's nice not being glued to our phones 58 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,149 Like these sheeple, huh? 59 00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:31,150 [samsung phone chimes] 60 00:02:31,235 --> 00:02:33,402 [man] there it is. Oh, my god. 61 00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,696 Slaves to the screen. 62 00:02:44,165 --> 00:02:45,789 Are we almost done? 63 00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:47,583 I need to find stewie's rash cream, 64 00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:49,793 But if you're not having fun, go get a squeeze 65 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,420 From the blood pressure machine. 66 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,505 That always perks me up. 67 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:57,217 [phone chiming] 68 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,636 Meg, oh, my god, it's crazy here. 69 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,222 Dad fell off the pole and landed on his head, 70 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,183 And one of his eyes popped out. 71 00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,310 We picked it up and jammed it back in, 72 00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:09,396 But the pupil was on the other side. 73 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,190 I'm okay. Just got a little headache. 74 00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:13,775 Also, dad gave me a hard lemonade. 75 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,694 He's pretty out of it. 76 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:18,864 Total shocker, chris and dad are having 77 00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,073 A very fun day. 78 00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:21,950 They're not the only ones, huh? 79 00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:24,328 Oh, I also need to return this loofah. 80 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:26,371 I mean, who was I kidding? I'm a dial bar 81 00:03:26,415 --> 00:03:28,790 -Smeared right on the skin gal. -Of course. 82 00:03:28,951 --> 00:03:31,668 Let me show you to the returns section. 83 00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,962 [explosion] 84 00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:37,132 [mort] the prestige. 85 00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:43,055 Well, I guess janet forgave robert for jamaica. 86 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,182 -What are you talking about? -The wedding's back on. 87 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:48,477 And janet officially has no backbone. 88 00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:49,728 What are you doing? 89 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:51,230 Um, eating a sandwich. 90 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:54,024 Brian griffin, I ordered ramen for us. 91 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,400 We planned this last night. 92 00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,736 We did? I don't-- I don't remember. 93 00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,404 You were too drunk to remember? 94 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:00,948 I've been dying to try this place. 95 00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:02,407 You said we could do it together. 96 00:04:02,493 --> 00:04:03,992 -Stewie, it's not-- -[knock on door] 97 00:04:05,621 --> 00:04:07,788 Uh, ramen for stewie and brian? 98 00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,706 Apparently it's just for stewie. 99 00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:11,833 -Everything okay? -No, it's not! 100 00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:14,086 [sobbing] 101 00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:15,504 Stewie, what the hell was that? 102 00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:16,838 What happened to us? 103 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,298 I thought we were best friends. 104 00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:19,716 We have nothing to say at brunch, 105 00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:21,969 We don't listen to each other, we forget plans we made. 106 00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:24,304 By the way, the "we" in all this is you. 107 00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:26,348 Don't be dramatic, stewie, we're fine. 108 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:29,101 No, we're not. Best friends talk about stuff. 109 00:04:29,228 --> 00:04:31,311 I-I don't-- what do you want me to do? 110 00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,939 If you're really asking, I saw a therapist 111 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,357 On the today show talking about 112 00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:37,818 The emergence of friendship therapy. 113 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:38,944 I think it could help us. 114 00:04:39,071 --> 00:04:41,488 -No. -[crying] 115 00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:43,991 -[sighs] fine. -Oh, brian, this is great. 116 00:04:44,118 --> 00:04:45,909 It'll give us the fresh start we need. 117 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,245 Like when tom brady moved to tampa bay. 118 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:51,957 All right! Now I get to cheat in shorts. 119 00:04:52,084 --> 00:04:55,294 I'm peyton manning, and I approve this message. 120 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,760 So, yeah, this is how I reload my purse with mom stuff. 121 00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:07,264 -It's very important to always be prepared. -Didn't ask. 122 00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:09,433 Travel-size lotion, hand sanitizer, 123 00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:12,185 Tic tacs, so I can skip brushing my teeth. 124 00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:13,854 Dawg, you still gotta brush. 125 00:05:13,897 --> 00:05:15,856 Oh, and mom hack 68: 126 00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,066 Buy the $2.00 plastic rain bonnet. 127 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:21,945 They're made at the same factory that makes the $9.00 ones. 128 00:05:22,031 --> 00:05:25,532 Don't ask me how I know. 129 00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:29,077 Oh, meg, don't look for a sec. 130 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,331 Okay, it's safe. 131 00:05:33,417 --> 00:05:36,543 Our treat for an epic errands day. 132 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,670 Amazing. 133 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,381 Big surprise, I didn't win. 134 00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:43,133 Didn't win what? 135 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:49,973 Oh, my god, meg, I won! 136 00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:54,061 You're kidding. Mom, this is amazing. 137 00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:55,812 Ah! I know, I can't believe it. 138 00:05:55,898 --> 00:05:59,191 It's even more exciting than the creation of broccolini. 139 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:01,068 What is this new plant? 140 00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,486 Let me ask you a question. 141 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,488 -Do you like broccoli? -Not really. 142 00:06:04,615 --> 00:06:09,409 Well, I think I just figured out a way to make it harder to eat. 143 00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,956 I can't believe you won ten grand. 144 00:06:15,084 --> 00:06:17,417 I know. I wonder how soon I can get that 145 00:06:17,503 --> 00:06:19,628 House water filtration system installed. 146 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,380 A couple weeks? A month? 147 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,715 -What is wrong with you? -Wh-what do you mean? 148 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:26,218 You win a boatload of money, and your first thought is 149 00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:27,969 A water filtration system?! 150 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,555 How do you not blow your brains out? 151 00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,641 Oh, these systems are very cool. 152 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,935 No, they're not! They're boring. 153 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,062 Everything you do is boring. 154 00:06:37,189 --> 00:06:39,231 That's why we all want to hang out with dad. 155 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,066 Imagine what he'd do with ten grand. 156 00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:44,277 Something super stupid and selfish and awesome, 157 00:06:44,405 --> 00:06:45,445 That's what. 158 00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:53,245 -Dad's not the only fun one, you know. -Uh-huh? 159 00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:55,539 Oh, you don't believe me? Okay, okay. 160 00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:58,041 Well, what if-- what if we use the money 161 00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,127 For something fun? For just us. 162 00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,838 -Like what? -Like going on a top-secret 163 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,048 -Mother/daughter trip. -Really? 164 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,300 Mom, that would be amazing. 165 00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:10,011 Great. Now let's keep this same energy 166 00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,722 While we take a quick detour for my mammogram. 167 00:07:12,850 --> 00:07:15,058 Whoo-hoo! Girls' trip! 168 00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,309 How's it looking in there? 169 00:07:16,395 --> 00:07:18,937 Well, it's probably nothing. 170 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:21,440 [weakly] ooh, girls' trip. 171 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,905 [man over p.A.] final call for vacation airlines flight 172 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:30,449 To vacation destination. 173 00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:32,701 I can't believe we're going on a secret trip. 174 00:07:32,828 --> 00:07:35,370 This is so cool. What did you tell dad? 175 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,330 Oh, pfft, he won't even know we're gone. 176 00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:39,124 I got him his favorite babysitter. 177 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:42,085 Lois says we're allowed to stay up past 9:00. 178 00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:43,753 The note says 9:00. 179 00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:45,046 Not if it's special. 180 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,631 And we're allowed to watch beetlejuice. 181 00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:50,218 The note specifically says "no beetlejuice." 182 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,054 I'm allowed to watch coco, 183 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,640 And it's basically the same thing. 184 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:02,939 I'm dr. Wagner. Please take a seat. 185 00:08:03,025 --> 00:08:04,316 This is a test, right? 186 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:07,152 You're free to sit anywhere you like. 187 00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:10,071 Yeah? This right? 188 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:12,449 There's no right or wrong. 189 00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,496 Aha, you lost. You sat too quick. 190 00:08:17,623 --> 00:08:19,539 Are you uncomfortable that brian had the confidence 191 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,082 -To choose a seat? -Yes! 192 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,459 Brian one, stewie zero. 193 00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,961 Actually, brian, this isn't a contest. 194 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,463 Yes. One to one. 195 00:08:26,548 --> 00:08:27,672 Stewie, please sit. 196 00:08:27,758 --> 00:08:28,965 I may just stand. 197 00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:31,009 Oh, indecisive. Two to one. 198 00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:33,929 Doc's going pen to pad, and you gotta think 199 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,348 Stewie just evened up the score. 200 00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:45,899 It does look like we have an ocean-view suite available 201 00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:48,443 For an extra $500 if you are interested. 202 00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:51,238 You know what, yes, we'll take it. 203 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:53,490 The snapple babes are living it up. 204 00:08:53,575 --> 00:08:54,741 Very good. 205 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,326 So the room isn't quite ready. 206 00:08:56,411 --> 00:08:58,036 Would you like to inconveniently 207 00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:59,204 Grab your swimsuits from your luggage 208 00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:00,455 And use the pool while you wait? 209 00:09:00,624 --> 00:09:03,583 Oh, that's okay, we'll just buy new bathing suits 210 00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,418 At the lobby store. 211 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:06,711 [all gasp] 212 00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:08,505 Snapple babes? 213 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:09,881 And for our survey, 214 00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:11,174 How'd you hear about the resort? 215 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:14,135 That rich lady from the news was murdered here. 216 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,680 Yep, that is what most people say. 217 00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,351 Hey, stewie, what are you watching? 218 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:24,646 -Uh, uh, the gilded age. -Seriously?! 219 00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:26,022 I couldn't wait, I'm sorry. 220 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,440 I'll watch it again with you tonight. 221 00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,067 Oh, and have you stare at me right before 222 00:09:29,194 --> 00:09:30,860 Something big happens? No way. 223 00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:32,153 You know what, you know what, good. 224 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,488 I'll watch shows on my own, too. 225 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:36,074 I can finally watch something after 7:00 p.M. 226 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:39,327 Dr. Wagner would want us to play big problem, small problem. 227 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:42,330 A big problem is sometimes a hospital problem. 228 00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:44,082 A small problem is something like 229 00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:45,333 Your friend watches a show-- 230 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,502 I'm not listening to this crap. This is stupid. 231 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,504 You feel like this is stupid? 232 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:52,465 Dr. Wagner says to use "I feel" statements. 233 00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:55,176 I feel like you are making up rules-- 234 00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,803 Oh, stewie's got the ipad. 235 00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:58,888 Stewie, daddy's just gonna take the ipad 236 00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:00,599 Into the bathroom, okay? 237 00:10:00,726 --> 00:10:02,976 He took my etch a sketch. 238 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:06,646 [peter] siri, show me "busty latinas." 239 00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:10,025 Busty latinas. 240 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:12,986 Can somebody reset the wi-fi? 241 00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:20,285 -Have you decided? -Yes. 242 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:23,496 We'd like two lava flows in hollowed-out pineapples, 243 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:26,833 And sweet potato fries in a hollowed-out coconut. 244 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,251 Any food or drink you bring us 245 00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:30,503 Should be inside a hollow fruit. 246 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,381 Excuse me, my son and I couldn't help but notice 247 00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:36,676 You ordered all your food in hollowed-out fruit. 248 00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:38,094 You must be very rich. 249 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,096 Oh, thanks for noticing. 250 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,222 So what are your names? 251 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,558 You can call us the snapple babes. 252 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,061 [chuckles] yeah, we're famous. 253 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,729 Well, maybe you can tell us 254 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,064 All about it over dinner. 255 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,066 Shall we say one of the three overpriced 256 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,567 Hotel restaurants at 8:00? 257 00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:56,029 -[chuckles] we shall. -See you then. 258 00:11:03,622 --> 00:11:05,330 I forgot these are prescription, 259 00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:08,667 But those are two smokin'-hot blobs. 260 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,590 So, last session I asked you each 261 00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,134 To write a love song to your friendship. 262 00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:20,053 Let's start with brian. 263 00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,013 Whatever. [clears throat] 264 00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:23,515 ♪ stewie, stewie ♪ 265 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,383 ♪ oh, yeah ♪ 266 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:26,643 ♪ awesome guy. ♪ 267 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,853 What the hell was that? You couldn't be bothered 268 00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:30,939 To spend five minutes preparing something? 269 00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:33,358 Like it matters. This is so stupid. 270 00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:34,234 You're stupid! 271 00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,443 [grunting, straining] 272 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,653 Guys, please. 273 00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,446 Admit you exaggerate your accent. 274 00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:42,158 Admit you wear shirts from museums you've never been to. 275 00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,953 Enough! 276 00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:46,996 This is ridiculous. 277 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:48,623 Your relationship is toxic. 278 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,709 You're not married, you're not blood relatives. 279 00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:52,293 Why continue? 280 00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,045 [inhales deeply] 281 00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:56,589 In my entire career, 282 00:11:56,717 --> 00:12:00,343 I have never given this advice, but it is my opinion 283 00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:03,763 That you should end this friendship. 284 00:12:03,849 --> 00:12:06,224 -Fine by me. -Makes my life easier. 285 00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:07,934 Also, your insurance card didn't go through, 286 00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:09,644 And when I looked again I realized 287 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,104 It was a robek's juice card. 288 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,939 You went to suny albany. 289 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:14,733 You'll take it and like it. 290 00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:20,113 Okay, this is a bartering culture, 291 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:22,240 So we have to haggle over an amount of money 292 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:25,118 We wouldn't even pick up if we dropped it on the ground. 293 00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,706 [both gasp, yelp] 294 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,541 [both grunting] 295 00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:34,377 [tires squealing] 296 00:12:34,504 --> 00:12:36,337 [meg] mom, what are they gonna do with us? 297 00:12:36,465 --> 00:12:38,047 [lois] if you let my daughter go, 298 00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,716 You can do whatever you want to me. 299 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:43,470 In the following order: You, you, blond-arm-hair guy, 300 00:12:43,555 --> 00:12:45,388 You two, maybe a quick lunch and shower, 301 00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:47,682 Then blond-arm-hair guy again if he's into it. 302 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,439 ♪ ♪ 303 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,821 [gasps] you two? 304 00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,531 Where are we? 305 00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:09,412 It's a co-kidnapping space. 306 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:10,955 It used to be a wework. 307 00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,916 Oh, I saw that documentary. Meh. 308 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,375 Sorry to interrupt. 309 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,377 Is there, like, a trick to the keurig machine? 310 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,755 Hey, man. Yeah, it's probably just out of water. 311 00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,176 God, there's nothing in here. 312 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,677 Where's the money? 313 00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,638 Uh, I'd look in the lobby store. 314 00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,098 Ah, guilty as charged. [laughs] 315 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,267 No, but they do have fun stuff in there. 316 00:13:31,353 --> 00:13:34,020 Shut up! The real money will be the ransom, anyways. 317 00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,105 We've never captured a beverage heiress before. 318 00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:38,441 What?! Who do you think we are? 319 00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:40,819 We know you're the snapple family. 320 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,111 [laughing] oh, no. 321 00:13:42,197 --> 00:13:44,405 This is a big misunderstanding. 322 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:48,076 We just won a snapple contest, then spent all the money. 323 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,702 [scoffs] you're worthless! 324 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:51,162 [mechanical whirring] 325 00:13:51,248 --> 00:13:53,706 [kidnapper] it was the water. 326 00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:56,167 [string instruments playing] 327 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:59,128 And do you, janet, take robert to be your husband? 328 00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,547 I do. 329 00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:01,965 ...Forgive you about jamaica. 330 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:03,967 [chuckles softly] am I right? 331 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:09,973 Brian, what are you doing here? 332 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,474 I should ask you that. 333 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,393 Can't believe you came, knowing I'd be here. 334 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,145 Well, I'm not gonna punish janet for what happened between us. 335 00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:18,106 Okay, but just keep your distance. 336 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,024 Fine, I get from the bar 337 00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:22,402 To the bridesmaid having a terse, ugly argument 338 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:23,570 With her boyfriend. 339 00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,697 Okay, and I get from her 340 00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:29,993 To the bald uncle looking around before telling a racist joke. 341 00:14:30,996 --> 00:14:32,328 So, how long we thinking 342 00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,455 Until stewie makes this whole event about him? 343 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,458 Ten minutes? Shall we put a little cashish on it? 344 00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,669 I just asked you to pass the butter. 345 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:41,629 I don't know who stewie is. 346 00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:43,464 Do yourself a favor, keep it that way. 347 00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:46,259 I think we're supposed to sit at the tables we were assigned. 348 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,012 Yeah, no, they said I could kind of be a roamer. 349 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,348 [sniffs] smells like butt. 350 00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,267 Let me guess. Brian was just here? 351 00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,644 -Who's brian? -I think that's the dog guy. 352 00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:59,689 I thought this table was just supposed to be cornell people. 353 00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:07,280 Oh, my god. Mom, we're gonna die. 354 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:12,577 Oh, no, we're not. 355 00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:14,203 I have a plan. 356 00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,164 Uh, hey, guys, you know, if you're hungry, 357 00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:18,499 I have a half a granola bar in my purse. 358 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,294 This purse is useless, just like you! 359 00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,379 Huh. The good people 360 00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:25,840 At t.J. Maxx may disagree with you there. 361 00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,592 [grunts] 362 00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,097 [grunting] 363 00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,016 -[grunts] -huh? 364 00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,476 [both grunt] 365 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,604 [panting] 366 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:42,106 [screaming] 367 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,192 -[man grunts] -[lois screams] 368 00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,528 [grunting] 369 00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:56,663 [grunts] 370 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,503 [both grunting] 371 00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,549 -Good day. -Good day. 372 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:09,968 Both men: Good day. 373 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:13,471 It was them in the nine-dollar rain bonnets! 374 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:16,307 Told you these look like the expensive ones. 375 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,481 [meg gasps] 376 00:16:31,366 --> 00:16:33,199 [groans] 377 00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:35,785 [groans] 378 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:38,037 Never mess with a mom. 379 00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:40,081 Meg, help me tie up their hands 380 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,916 With these extremely long cvs receipts. 381 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,459 Why did you save these? 382 00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:45,044 Oh, there's a carpet-cleaning coupon 383 00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:47,463 On the back that I'm curious about. 384 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:52,093 [upbeat, instrumental rock playing] 385 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,888 I'd like to invite all the single ladies 386 00:16:56,016 --> 00:16:57,515 To the dance floor! 387 00:16:57,642 --> 00:16:59,767 [screaming] 388 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,936 How about the single fellas? 389 00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:04,564 [cheering, whooping] 390 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,318 Now, some slowly-building emotional music 391 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:11,904 For estranged friends to look at each other 392 00:17:11,990 --> 00:17:14,824 And regret their rift! 393 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:17,160 [playing slow, gentle music] 394 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:29,964 Ah. What are we doing? 395 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,008 [microphone feedback squeals] 396 00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:34,677 Hey, I, uh, have a toast. 397 00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,638 [clears throat] 398 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:40,266 You know, sometimes, against all odds, 399 00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:42,185 Two people find each other 400 00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:44,562 In this crazy place we call "earth." 401 00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,482 Sure, they might have problems, 402 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,609 And they might not always agree with each other, 403 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:53,196 And a therapist may even tell them they shouldn't be friends. 404 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:55,948 But what I realized is 405 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,950 I don't want a friend I can get along with. 406 00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,702 I can get along with anybody. 407 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,537 [man] table two hates you, dude! 408 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:04,207 I want a friend who I can laugh with because they also noticed 409 00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:06,417 That no one else is drinking cream soda, 410 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,544 Which means the guy in jeans brought it from home. 411 00:18:08,671 --> 00:18:10,213 I knew they wouldn't have it! 412 00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:11,422 I want a friend 413 00:18:11,508 --> 00:18:13,549 Who will publicly shame a mom-and-pop cafe 414 00:18:13,668 --> 00:18:15,760 For having slightly too few blueberries in their muffin. 415 00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:17,303 [stewie] call it something else, 416 00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,971 'cause it ain't a blueberry muffin. 417 00:18:19,099 --> 00:18:21,182 Stewie, this is for you. 418 00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:28,397 [playing upbeat rock tune] 419 00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:30,233 ♪ stewie, stewie ♪ 420 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,903 ♪ oh, yeah, you're my best friend! ♪ 421 00:18:33,988 --> 00:18:36,239 He did the work. 422 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:46,916 Stewie, I'd rather be toxic and unhealthy together 423 00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:48,793 Than toxic and unhealthy apart. 424 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,462 Me, too, bri. Let's be best friends again. 425 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:53,172 What do you say we hit the photo booth 426 00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:55,049 And take a couple of funny photos? 427 00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,634 I've heard they have hilarious props. 428 00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,053 -No props. -Yeah, no props, yeah. 429 00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:02,431 [cleveland] but stewie did use props, 430 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,308 And they had a big fight about it, 431 00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:05,810 And it took a whole other wedding 432 00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:07,270 For them to make up again. 433 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:08,980 I'm cleveland brown, 434 00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:12,024 And I know my show was better than this. 435 00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:17,238 I can't believe we made it home safe. 436 00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:20,241 It was so lucky you had all that stuff in your purse. 437 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,077 Oh, sweetie, luck had nothing to do with it. 438 00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:26,289 I'm a mom, and moms have to be prepared for anything. 439 00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,666 I really wanted to show you I could be fun like dad, 440 00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:30,084 But look where that got us. 441 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,544 At the end of the day, 442 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,963 Someone's got to be the responsible one here. 443 00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:35,464 I guess you're right, mom. 444 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:38,176 I mean, we all love your father's water balloon fights, 445 00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:40,803 But someone's got to pick up all the tiny balloon pieces 446 00:19:40,889 --> 00:19:42,180 From the grass. 447 00:19:42,265 --> 00:19:44,473 That's my role, and it's fine. 448 00:19:44,559 --> 00:19:46,058 Do you think someday I'll be a boring, 449 00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:48,019 Taken-for-granted wife and mom? 450 00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:51,272 Oh, I think you're well on your way, sweetheart. 451 00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,695 Oh. How was he? 452 00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,530 Fine, but let's just say 453 00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:02,241 There's the exact same number of carrots as when you left. 454 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,118 Well, that sounds about right. 455 00:20:04,278 --> 00:20:05,912 He also said you said 456 00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:08,456 Yogurt-covered pretzels are a healthy snack. 457 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,416 -[lois sighs] -[peter] you did say that! 458 00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:13,294 -Compared to cheetos, they are. -You just said it again! 459 00:20:18,635 --> 00:20:20,468 [clicking, whooshing] 460 00:20:20,595 --> 00:20:22,637 -Here are your waffles. -Thanks so much. 461 00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:24,013 Yay, that was quick. 462 00:20:24,098 --> 00:20:26,515 [phones whooshing] 463 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:34,440 Can I grab anything else for you? 464 00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,734 -No, this is great! -Cheat day! 465 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,624 ♪ ♪