1 00:00:02,211 --> 00:00:04,586 ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,631 ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ 3 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,343 ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,346 ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:17,766 ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:21,311 ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:22,855 ♪ all the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,106 ♪ laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:30,112 ♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,994 --> 00:00:36,702 -Hey, meg, what's up? -[gasps] 11 00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,996 A cool kid said, "what's up?" 12 00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:44,126 Oh, it was just a dream. 13 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:49,673 [gasps] goldy, no! 14 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:53,093 Ugh. Fifth one this week. 15 00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:57,681 Oh, my god! Mr. Clompers. 16 00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,641 [grunts] 17 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,518 Stay with me, mr. Clompers. 18 00:01:01,604 --> 00:01:02,519 [exhales] 19 00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,646 Stay with me, you son of a bitch. 20 00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:05,731 [exhales] 21 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,108 [neighs] 22 00:01:08,194 --> 00:01:11,070 Oh, there's only one way to turn this day around. 23 00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:13,489 Crouch behind a dumpster in the back of quiznos 24 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:16,533 And wait for the half-eaten subs to be thrown out. 25 00:01:20,539 --> 00:01:23,582 Yep, looks like things are finally starting to turn around 26 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,043 For the meg-a-rino. 27 00:01:27,129 --> 00:01:28,712 Hey, what are you doing? 28 00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:30,631 I'm not a dumpster. Put me down. 29 00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:31,799 Aah! 30 00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:34,009 -Man, this job sucks. -I don't know. 31 00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:36,053 Ladies running with trash bags and no bras on 32 00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:37,221 Is pretty cool sometimes. 33 00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:38,430 -[running footfalls] -[woman] wait. 34 00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:39,723 Right on cue. 35 00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:42,684 And now the mind creates scenarios and so forth. 36 00:01:46,524 --> 00:01:48,482 Hey, what are you doing home from work? 37 00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,943 Ah, some sicko called in a bomb scare. 38 00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:52,486 Then they confiscated everyone's phones 39 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,196 And I was told to take the day off. 40 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,115 Peter, did you call in the bomb scare? 41 00:01:56,242 --> 00:01:57,866 God, you sound just like them. 42 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,785 For the last time, maybe. 43 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,703 Well, since you're home, you can watch 44 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,831 My daytime shows with me. 45 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,582 -[phone rings] -hello. 46 00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:07,167 There's a bomb in the tv. 47 00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:08,961 Leave the remote and exit the room. 48 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:11,797 Nice try, but we're watching the view. 49 00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,340 Welcome to the view. 50 00:02:13,425 --> 00:02:15,759 Today we're talking about mansplaining. 51 00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,261 Meghan mccain, you go first. 52 00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:18,971 I thought meghan mccain quit. 53 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,889 Oh, yes, she did. They replaced her 54 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:24,017 With a dozen feral cats in a quinceañera dress, 55 00:02:24,103 --> 00:02:25,102 And no one can tell the difference. 56 00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:28,772 [cats mewling, screeching] 57 00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,732 The cats have an important dead dad, 58 00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:33,026 So we got to hear 'em out. 59 00:02:33,112 --> 00:02:35,070 [announcer] it's the kelly clarkson show. 60 00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:36,822 She's got a show now? 61 00:02:36,866 --> 00:02:38,740 Yes, and she's actually very funny, 62 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,076 If you're a woman who claps when the plane lands. 63 00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:43,871 Give me that thing. Aren't there any daytime tv shows 64 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:44,955 Hosted by men? 65 00:02:45,124 --> 00:02:46,456 Peter, are you kidding me? 66 00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:49,001 Conversations between men are boring. 67 00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,003 I've heard what you and the guys talk about. 68 00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,337 Me and the guys would be great 69 00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:53,547 At hosting one of these shows. 70 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,507 We talk about interesting stuff all the time. 71 00:02:55,593 --> 00:02:57,259 Just this past weekend, we were talking about 72 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,428 How a lot of people don't know which one is chip 73 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,304 And which one is dale. 74 00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:01,847 Well, it's actually very simple. 75 00:03:01,932 --> 00:03:04,766 Chip's nose is black, and dale's nose is red. 76 00:03:04,894 --> 00:03:05,851 And if you need help remembering, 77 00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:07,227 You say "chocolate chip." 78 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,146 The chipmunks were easier because they had 79 00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:10,272 Big letters on their shirts. 80 00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,274 -But that's Tuesday's show. -Oh, please. 81 00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,610 All men run out of things to say to each other 82 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,153 -After 20 minutes. -Oh, yeah? 83 00:03:16,238 --> 00:03:17,821 Well, if guys are so bad at talking, 84 00:03:17,907 --> 00:03:19,615 How come regis philbin is still yapping? 85 00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:22,075 [regis] so joy hands me a box, and I open it, 86 00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:25,078 And it's the same darn sweater from last christmas! 87 00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:26,830 Can you believe that? Coming up, 88 00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,248 Angel's david boreanaz. 89 00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:31,335 Look at kathie lee. She's fanning herself. 90 00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:38,634 Whoa, meg, what happened to you? 91 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,969 Yo, I straight-up thought that was post malone 92 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,012 For a hot second. 93 00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:44,348 I just had the worst day of my life. 94 00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:46,975 Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna bake cookies from scratch 95 00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,019 And eat them until I puke. 96 00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:50,520 Meg, I think what you're going through are 97 00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:51,939 Typical teenage emotions. 98 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:54,733 Trust me, everything will change when you go to college. 99 00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:57,152 Speaking of, guess who got a letter 100 00:03:57,279 --> 00:04:00,030 From the university of rhode island today. 101 00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,031 Wait, what? 102 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,909 And it came in a big envelope. 103 00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,869 You know what that means. 104 00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:07,663 Finally some good news. 105 00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:09,039 "from the office of admissions 106 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,666 At the university of rhode island." 107 00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:12,376 Wow, so official. 108 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:15,545 "hey, sorry, we ran out of small envelopes. 109 00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:17,756 You didn't get in." 110 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:21,093 [crying] 111 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,719 Meg, I'm so sorry. 112 00:04:22,805 --> 00:04:27,266 I just have to accept it, I'll never be happy. 113 00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,476 [sobbing] 114 00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:36,316 A talk show for men? That's a great idea. 115 00:04:36,402 --> 00:04:38,193 Yeah. Imagine getting paid to talk about stuff 116 00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,153 We already talk about around this table. 117 00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:42,948 Hey, that could be the title. Bar table talk. 118 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,241 Oh, guys, check it out. 119 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,451 Tom tucker's wasted at the bar again. 120 00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:47,953 Put on channel six. 121 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:51,623 I-I want to see what doppler those dinks are working with. 122 00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:53,500 A 3000?! Ha! 123 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,670 What, are they telling us the weather in 2004? 124 00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:58,338 Hey, fellas, I'll be right back. 125 00:04:58,424 --> 00:05:00,966 Boy, it's fun to fantasize about having a talk show. 126 00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:02,968 But, sadly, that's all it's gonna be, 127 00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,053 'cause ain't nobody putting four guys 128 00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:08,265 -With zero experience on tv. -Yeah, you're right. 129 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:10,475 Start thinking of warm to hot topics, fellas. 130 00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,893 What are you talking about? 131 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,353 I just spoke to tom tucker. 132 00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:15,397 A few months ago I did him a big favor, 133 00:05:15,441 --> 00:05:17,858 And he said if there's anything he could ever do for me, 134 00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:20,235 Just ask, so I just asked. 135 00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:21,445 And he said yes. 136 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,906 Gentlemen, say hello to the hosts of your new 137 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,658 Channel five daytime talk show. 138 00:05:26,744 --> 00:05:28,327 Oh, my god, that's amazing. 139 00:05:28,412 --> 00:05:29,786 This is awesome. Wait, joe, 140 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,830 What was the favor you did for tom tucker? 141 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,416 I mustache-sat for him over the holidays. 142 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:38,128 We said rise of gru and then bed. 143 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,422 That was the deal we made. 144 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,840 [mustache squeaks petulantly] 145 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:43,300 I'm sorry you're having a hard time. 146 00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:45,594 I'm having a hard time, too. 147 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,849 Hey, what the heck are you guys doing? 148 00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,392 Those are my cookies. 149 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,770 Meg, these are literally the best cookies 150 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,063 I've ever had in my life. 151 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,814 Yeah, they're incredible. 152 00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:59,191 Did you switch up the recipe? 153 00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,817 No, I don't think so. 154 00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:02,611 So good, meg. I'd have another, 155 00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:05,238 But I got to see dean later. Dean's my trainer. 156 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,115 Guy kicks my freakin' ass. 157 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,700 You must have done something different. 158 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:10,243 These are fantastic. 159 00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:12,329 Hmm. 160 00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:15,040 I think my tears falling into the batter 161 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,250 Must have made these cookies taste different. 162 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,711 Not different, delicious. 163 00:06:19,797 --> 00:06:23,340 Last week, dean was saying I'm the most ripped guy he trains. 164 00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,633 Off the record, of course. 165 00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:26,593 Meg, I think this could be the start of a business. 166 00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:29,304 People would pay a premium for cookies this good. 167 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:30,180 Really? 168 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,516 Oh, a business is a lot of work. 169 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:36,186 Unless maybe... You guys want to help out? 170 00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:38,230 -I'd be happy to. -I'll do it. 171 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,607 So Monday, Wednesday and fridays are dean days. 172 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,652 Other than that, I'm down. I'm in ketosis, by the way. 173 00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:45,237 This is exciting, you guys. 174 00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:46,905 We just have to find a way to get the word out 175 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,115 About these cookies. 176 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,075 I don't think we'll have to worry about that. 177 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,285 I just got an email back from the one show 178 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:55,622 That'll put our product in front of the entire country. 179 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,874 Long hallway shark tank. 180 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,209 ♪ ♪ 181 00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,211 [announcer] first up, meg griffin and family 182 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:05,090 With a new twist on a popular snack. 183 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,263 ♪ ♪ 184 00:07:26,738 --> 00:07:28,697 ♪ ♪ 185 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,997 Hello, sharks. I'm here to-- 186 00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,048 We have so many new cookie orders. 187 00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:49,009 Which means we've got a lot of baking to do. 188 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,010 Let's get going. 189 00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,470 Sorry, if I'm in a busy kitchen, 190 00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:54,347 I'm gonna have to scream at someone gordon ramsay style. 191 00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:57,809 A raw egg? You're gonna kill someone! 192 00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,352 20 years of being in the business, 193 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,230 And you're the biggest buffoon I've ever met. 194 00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:04,316 Now let's step outside, where I'll speak to you 195 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,109 In an entirely different tone. 196 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,570 What's going on with you? Tell me. 197 00:08:08,614 --> 00:08:09,988 I don't, I don't know. 198 00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,823 You're overwhelmed trying to live up 199 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,742 To your father's expectations, aren't you? 200 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,285 Yeah, I guess. 201 00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:18,288 Listen, your father nikos was a proud greek man 202 00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,081 Who came to this country with nothing but 203 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,416 A baklava and a dream. 204 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,502 But he's gone now, and you have to accept that. 205 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:26,505 Now, those people in there need a leader, not a friend. 206 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:27,506 Understood? 207 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,841 Yes. Thank you, chef ramsay. 208 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,343 I have tremendous respect for you 209 00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:33,595 And what you do for people's businesses. 210 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,055 Good. Now, just don't yelp 211 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,348 Any places from the show 212 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:39,267 Or eat at any of my restaurants in las vegas. 213 00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:43,772 [phone chimes] 214 00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:45,106 Oh, from peter. 215 00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:48,902 "turn on channel five right now." 216 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:52,113 [peter] welcome to the first episode of bar table talk. 217 00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:55,784 Finally, a show for men by men. Football. 218 00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,869 [groans] you've got to be kidding me. 219 00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,663 Now check out our theme song called 220 00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:01,331 "guys just want to have fun," 221 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,250 Which is just each of us yelling "guys" 222 00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,876 Over the parts where they sing "girls" 223 00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:06,336 In "girls just want to have fun." 224 00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:09,756 ♪ when the working day is done ♪ 225 00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,216 -♪ oh ♪ -guys. 226 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,552 ♪ they want to have fun ♪ 227 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:14,886 -♪ oh ♪ -guys. 228 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:17,347 -♪ just want to have... ♪ -guys. 229 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:21,226 ♪ they want, want to have fun ♪ 230 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,228 -♪ girls... ♪ -guys! 231 00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,312 [peter] damn it, joe. 232 00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,313 [joe] this is why I wanted to use 233 00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:26,731 "the boys are back in town." 234 00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:29,234 But no! 235 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,321 Welcome back. Now it's time for 236 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:36,116 The clenched-buttocks urinal-fart of the day, 237 00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,619 Sent in by gene kozlowski at imperial tool and dye 238 00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,121 In kenosha, wisconsin. 239 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,414 Let her rip, gene. 240 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,499 [farting] 241 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:47,919 Ah. 242 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,921 You just know that one had the power 243 00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,840 Of a state fair sausage behind it. 244 00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:53,174 Impressive stuff. 245 00:09:53,302 --> 00:09:56,261 Coming up, all the people from your wife's work 246 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,639 She claims are horrible who, surprise, aren't. 247 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,057 Ugh, disgusting. 248 00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:02,809 I can't believe that's my husband. 249 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,352 Although I shouldn't be surprised 250 00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,146 After what happened on our wedding night. 251 00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:10,233 [chuckles] peter, are you ready? 252 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,235 Sorry, I already masturbated. 253 00:10:12,321 --> 00:10:13,945 There was a seashell on top of the toilet 254 00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:15,697 That looked like a boob. 255 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:20,744 Okay, lunch is over. 256 00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,245 We got more cookie orders to take care of. 257 00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:25,957 All right, let's get our sister crying. 258 00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:28,960 ♪ I was all right ♪ 259 00:10:29,046 --> 00:10:31,713 ♪ for a while ♪ 260 00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:36,217 ♪ I could smile for a while ♪ 261 00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,345 ♪ but I saw you last night ♪ 262 00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:41,973 ♪ you held my hand so tight ♪ 263 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:46,227 ♪ as you stopped to say hello ♪ 264 00:10:46,355 --> 00:10:48,938 ♪ oh, you wished me well ♪ 265 00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:52,484 ♪ you couldn't tell ♪ 266 00:10:52,602 --> 00:10:56,404 ♪ that I'd been crying ♪ 267 00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,865 ♪ over you ♪ 268 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:03,870 ♪ crying over you ♪ 269 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:08,625 ♪ when you said "so long." ♪ 270 00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:12,045 [peter] and that's why the eagles are 271 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,673 The best yard work band of all time. 272 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,299 [joe] I'm sorry, are we in a world 273 00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:19,010 Where the steve miller band was never born? 274 00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:21,254 Oh, this show gets dumber by the second. 275 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,847 -[doorbell rings] -just come in! 276 00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:25,892 Who even cares anymore? Oh, hi, daddy. 277 00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,227 What are you doing here? 278 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,397 Oh, I stopped by to... Oh, no way. I love this show. 279 00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:31,481 Oh, is meg around? 280 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,316 -She's in the kitchen. -Excellent. 281 00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,276 Well, aren't you gonna ask how I'm doing? 282 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,613 Lois, I can see one, two, three ant traps. 283 00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:42,033 I know how you're doing. Oh, four. 284 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,037 Oh, hey, carter. 285 00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,330 What are you doing here, grandpa? 286 00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,207 Word has gotten around about your cookies, 287 00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,334 And I have a business opportunity for you. 288 00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:53,461 I'm throwing a party for my billionaire friends 289 00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:55,547 On Friday, and I'd like you to cater it. 290 00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,799 Oh, my god! We'd love to. 291 00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,592 Uh, meg, maybe let a graduate 292 00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,554 Of the howard schultz masterclass handle this. 293 00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:04,514 I'm prepared to offer you 10,000-- 294 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,890 -We'll do it. -Pennies. 295 00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:08,435 10,000 pennies, or $100. 296 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,145 Oh, dude, you blew it. 297 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,939 Just kidding, I'm super rich. I'll pay you 50 grand. 298 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,317 Holy crap, $50,000! 299 00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:19,988 I'll need 500 bags of cookies. All right, see you Friday. 300 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,574 Ugh, I really don't want to have to talk to your mother again. 301 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:25,410 Guess I'll just airpods it out. 302 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:27,162 [lois] bye, daddy. 303 00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:29,122 I said bye, daddy. 304 00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:31,124 [door opens, shuts] 305 00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:35,712 You guys, I just want to thank you 306 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,922 For helping make my cookies such a success. 307 00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,883 It really means a lot to me. 308 00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,468 And for the first time in my life, 309 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,762 I'm finally feeling proud of myself 310 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:45,472 And hopeful about my future. 311 00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:48,975 I think... I think I'm actually happy. 312 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,102 Oh, that's great to hear, meg. 313 00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:52,520 We're proud of you, too. 314 00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:56,316 Now we got cookies to make. Give us those tears. 315 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,110 [straining] 316 00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:05,241 Oh, I know. Meg, when you were a baby, 317 00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:07,076 You were left at a fire station. 318 00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:11,247 And those firemen left you at another fire station. 319 00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:14,375 The only reason you had a date for homecoming 320 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,712 Was because the guy got community service hours for it. 321 00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,800 Oh, no. I can't cry. 322 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,927 A-and when I hear about my crappy old life, 323 00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:26,805 I just feel proud and happy about where I am now. 324 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,390 Uh-oh, no tears means no cookies. 325 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:32,060 Which also means no cookie business. 326 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:35,522 Hi, I'm jamie lee curtis, and I heard someone here 327 00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,899 Was having a problem with feminine dryness. 328 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,943 Oh, I-I think I'm all set. 329 00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,195 Have you tried sliquid feminine wash, 330 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,906 The natural solution to feminine dryness? 331 00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,449 Oh, no, no. 332 00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:49,118 I-I-I think we have different problems, dawg. 333 00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:50,453 Well, I'd hear her out. 334 00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:53,373 Sliquid's the one feminine wash that goes on dry 335 00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:54,833 And doesn't drip. 336 00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,960 Chris, are you selling intimacy products 337 00:13:57,087 --> 00:13:58,211 With jamie lee curtis? 338 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:01,548 Well, stewie, I'd say sliquid sells itself. 339 00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:03,591 [chris and jamie laugh] 340 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,426 It goes on dry? 341 00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,184 Meg, I don't want to alarm you, 342 00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:15,854 But if you can't cry, we won't get the $50,000 343 00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,313 From carter for catering his party. 344 00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:18,857 I know, I'm sorry. 345 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,484 It's just that, since the cookie business became successful, 346 00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:22,777 I'm not sad anymore. 347 00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,904 Well, there goes my dream of becoming 348 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:26,698 The next otis spunkmeyer. 349 00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,117 Your dream is to be otis spunkmeyer? 350 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:32,912 I love a company that works a dirty word for a bodily fluid 351 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:33,997 Into their name. 352 00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:36,291 Chris, that is absolutely disgusting. 353 00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:39,252 Hey, the way I see it, in this life, 354 00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,588 Ya gotta laugh. 355 00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:46,634 God, he said "ya gotta laugh" so many times, 356 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,344 It started to feel like a threat. 357 00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,054 Why did we come to this again? 358 00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,265 Remember that kid I hit with my mail truck? 359 00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:55,143 -That was the kid? -That was the kid. 360 00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,899 Ladies, I'm at the end of my rope with this damn show. 361 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:03,067 Peter's become impossible to live with. 362 00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:05,403 Yeah, cleveland thinks he's fancy, too. 363 00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:07,780 You know, he's demanding pert plus now 364 00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:09,365 Instead of regular old pert. 365 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:11,326 Joe's also gotten a big head lately. 366 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:14,162 When he eats graham crackers now, he totally ignores 367 00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,372 The suggested perforations. 368 00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:18,124 He's like a mad king. 369 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:19,876 We've got to shut this show down. 370 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,628 Oh, I don't know. 371 00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,796 Lois, have you heard what peter said 372 00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:25,173 On yesterday's show? 373 00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,216 [peter] and so I say, men, 374 00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:29,135 We deserve a second drawer. 375 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:32,096 It should be four to two, not five to one. 376 00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,514 [gasps] 377 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:38,603 Ladies, it's time to put an end to their little show. 378 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,276 Now, remember, when they start talking about 379 00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,946 How awful women are, we storm the stage, 380 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,364 Call them out on it. 381 00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:53,651 And then we'll go viral and the show will be canceled. 382 00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:55,244 Welcome to bar table talk. 383 00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:56,913 Fellas, what's on your mind today? 384 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,748 Is it me, or does it seem like no one knows how 385 00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,376 To coil a garden hose anymore? 386 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,129 Remember sports guys you liked? 387 00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:08,424 -Oh, yeah. -Totally. -I like those guys. 388 00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:13,346 Um, you know what, let's take a break. 389 00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:14,597 We'll be right back. 390 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,892 -Oh, my god, it's happening. -What's happening? 391 00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,686 Ah, what are we doing? 392 00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:22,981 I started this 'cause there were no daytime talk shows with men, 393 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,692 And lois said that's because men eventually run out of things 394 00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,068 To say to each other. 395 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:30,113 Well, looks like she was right. 396 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,866 I don't want to be right. 397 00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:36,327 Lois? What are you all doing here? 398 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,913 We came down to get this show canceled. 399 00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:40,456 Between the embarrassing content 400 00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:42,792 And you becoming so full of yourself at home, 401 00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,460 Well, I thought it was the only option. 402 00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,713 But when I heard you admit you were wrong, 403 00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:50,091 I remembered why I married you in the first place. 404 00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,927 Because I proposed in an offensive chinese accent, 405 00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,470 And you just wanted to get out of the restaurant? 406 00:16:54,597 --> 00:16:57,640 No, peter, because beneath all your craziness, 407 00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,977 I know there's just a sweet, confused child. 408 00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,062 -Can I get a lizard? -No, peter. 409 00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:04,188 But you said! 410 00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:05,982 Fine, you can get a lizard. 411 00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,900 I love you, mom lois. 412 00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,694 I love you, too, peter. 413 00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:12,488 Can you watch my lizard? I'm bored of it. 414 00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:17,368 You really think seeing a therapist 415 00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:19,078 Is the best way to get me to cry? 416 00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,914 Absolutely. And this guy is the best in town. 417 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,208 See you next week, john. 418 00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:25,460 Looking forward to it. 419 00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:27,712 Man, there's nothing to do for that guy, 420 00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:29,547 But he's got insurance. 421 00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,674 Okay, who's meg griffin? 422 00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:37,472 So, I'm dr. Matthews, but you can call me brad. 423 00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,132 My delta chi brothers used to call me crusher, 424 00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:41,809 So that's fair game, too. 425 00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,186 Wow, this guy rocks. 426 00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:45,480 Before we start, it's important to know 427 00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,981 I only accept crypto. 428 00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:49,817 So bitcoin, dogecoin or ethereum. 429 00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,070 Oh, actually, wait. Not ethereum. 430 00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,405 Wait, wait, no. I-I don't, I don't anymore. 431 00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:57,033 Wait, yes, yes, I do, but you have to send it, 432 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,201 -Like, right now. -[phone beeps] 433 00:17:58,328 --> 00:17:59,744 -Did you send it? -I did. 434 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,788 No! Why did you do that?! 435 00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:04,874 Ooh, "forget real estate. Invest in money 436 00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,959 You can't even see," they said. 437 00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:10,421 Okay, I guess let's talk about you. 438 00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:13,800 Well, earlier this week, I cried into some cookie dough, 439 00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:17,136 And my tears actually made the cookies taste incredible. 440 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:20,431 So we started a successful cookie business using my tears. 441 00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:23,059 But now I'm too happy to cry anymore. 442 00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:25,603 But no tears means no money. 443 00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,022 Meg, have you considered the reason you're happy 444 00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,690 Isn't because of the business? 445 00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,610 That maybe it's because you finally got to spend 446 00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:35,613 Quality time bonding with the family members you love? 447 00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:39,200 Oh, snap. My man crusher dropping knowledge bombs. 448 00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:42,745 Guys, is the money really worth the sister you love 449 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,997 Feeling badly about herself? 450 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,836 -No. -It's not. 451 00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:51,796 The new thom browne line is out next week, 452 00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,506 So maybe? 453 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,676 Wow, I can't believe you'd choose my happiness 454 00:18:56,845 --> 00:18:58,511 Over all that money, you guys. 455 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,179 That really means a lot. 456 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,181 We just want you to be happy, meg. 457 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,684 Chris is right. We love you. 458 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,520 Oh, I love you guys. 459 00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,192 Hey, where's that diploma from? 460 00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:14,944 Oh, that's not a diploma. 461 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,238 That's a certificate for finishing the big bertha 462 00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:19,615 At leo's bar and grill in cincinnati. 463 00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:22,869 Got a t-shirt, too, but it's at the dry cleaners. 464 00:19:22,954 --> 00:19:24,787 Wow. Dry cleaning a t-shirt 465 00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:27,415 Bragging about a regional food challenge? 466 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,584 That's the dream. 467 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,882 Honey, it's me. They fell for the whole crusher routine. 468 00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:37,925 Oh, and their little cookie business? 469 00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:42,096 Let's just say I... Took care of it. 470 00:19:47,136 --> 00:19:49,228 [sinister laughter] 471 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,065 [sinister laughter] 472 00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:56,027 [sinister laughter] 473 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,447 [sinister laughter] 474 00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:04,076 [siren wailing] 475 00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,786 What happened last night? 476 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,080 Oh, nothing. Just... Just hit a home run 477 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:09,665 In my softball game. 478 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:11,700 No, I mean, I mean the building. 479 00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:14,086 Huh? Oh, huge gas leak. 480 00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:16,005 Won the game. Everybody's dead. 481 00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:24,805 Sorry I got carried away with my daytime talk show, lois. 482 00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:26,724 Oh, peter, I'm just glad you're home 483 00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:29,310 And still wearing television makeup for some reason. 484 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,646 I don't know what you're talking about. 485 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,273 Hey, sorry your cookie business didn't work out, meg. 486 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,192 Yeah, I guess it would have been pretty sweet 487 00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:39,028 To have a successful cookie business, but it's fine. 488 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,489 You know, meg, the way I see it, 489 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:44,325 Life's too darn short. 490 00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:48,329 Boy, that was brutal. 491 00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:50,206 Yeah, what a big waste of time. 492 00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:53,251 I know, it's like life really is too darn short. 493 00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:56,087 Huh. Maybe it was good. 494 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:58,422 Screw it, I'm getting a shirt.