1 00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,628 ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,673 ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ 3 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,343 ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,346 ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:17,975 ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:21,270 ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:22,896 ♪ all the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:24,106 ♪ laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:30,154 ♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,286 There you are, peter. 11 00:00:37,413 --> 00:00:39,121 Help me hang the stockings. 12 00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:41,707 Not now, lois. It's time for my favorite holiday movie, 13 00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:43,042 Frosty the snowman, 14 00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:45,419 Where a hero takes a little girl into the woods 15 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:49,006 And then brags that he can disappear whenever he wants. 16 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,552 Huh. I can't see the tv. 17 00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:54,887 I must be dreaming. 18 00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,764 Which means nothing's real! 19 00:00:56,932 --> 00:00:58,891 -[grunting] -[gasps, groaning] 20 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,268 No, peter, stop! You're not dreaming! 21 00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,395 Yeah, and why was that your first move? 22 00:01:03,481 --> 00:01:05,647 The tv's gone. We're cutting the cord. 23 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:08,150 We need money for christmas gifts, so I sold it. 24 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:12,279 What?! This rageful anger calls for alcohol! 25 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:13,322 [gulping] 26 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,281 Where's brian? 27 00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,324 Peter, stop it. 28 00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:17,076 What am I supposed to do without a tv? 29 00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:18,535 Hang out at the gap? 30 00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:20,996 Could you please point me to your blandest shirt? 31 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:23,624 One that I'm guaranteed to see four other guys wearing 32 00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:24,958 Before I even get to my car. 33 00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:26,502 Sure, it's right over there. 34 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:27,795 Just be careful while you're browsing 35 00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:30,631 That you don't lose track of which white guy is you. 36 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,258 Oh, that looks good on me. 37 00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,010 [announcer] the gap, the only clothing store 38 00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,011 Named for a taint. 39 00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,221 Located between vera wang 40 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:39,098 And the rocky mountain chocolate factory. 41 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:41,141 Look, I know this seems like a big change, 42 00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,227 But we don't need a television anymore. 43 00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:46,021 Yeah, dad. A single tv console is outdated. 44 00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,565 Everyone just streams now on their individual devices. 45 00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:52,236 Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice? 46 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:55,322 Dad, I'm just trying to bring you into the modern era. 47 00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:56,990 I see. 48 00:01:58,911 --> 00:01:59,993 [screaming] 49 00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:01,537 -[splat] -[man] quiet up there! 50 00:02:01,664 --> 00:02:03,914 Sorry! Just demonstrating I'm still relevant 51 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:05,999 By making a very old movie reference! 52 00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:07,626 Peter, meg was right. 53 00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:10,712 We don't need a tv in the golden age of streaming. 54 00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,089 "golden age of streaming"? 55 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,841 Look, my streams are sporadic at best. 56 00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,342 And last week, there was blood. 57 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:19,012 Can we have one holiday where we don't discuss dad's rod? 58 00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,265 Besides, all my shows are on network television. 59 00:02:21,392 --> 00:02:23,642 How the hell am I supposed to watch chicago fire 60 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,269 -Without a tv? -Who cares? 61 00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:27,104 It's a lazy, formulaic show. 62 00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,106 And it's not even filmed in chicago. 63 00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,607 Yeah, right. Tell that to the boys 64 00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:31,984 Putting out a blaze this week 65 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,569 In the famed chicago hills. 66 00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:36,029 It almost burned down the chicagowood sign! 67 00:02:36,115 --> 00:02:37,197 Peter, stop it. 68 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:38,866 God, you're going in circles, 69 00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:40,576 Like a desert vulture. 70 00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,661 Hey, maybe we shouldn't always fly in a circle. 71 00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:45,706 Sure. And maybe I can also have rough sex with your mother. 72 00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,124 Whoa! Come on. 73 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:49,751 Well, that's how I feel about your idea. 74 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,507 [announcer] we now return to frosty the snowman. 75 00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:58,844 There was indeed some magic in that old silk hat, 76 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:01,096 Along with duct tape, zip ties 77 00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:03,015 And some very troubling polaroids. 78 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:04,892 See? This is the kind of wholesome stuff 79 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,185 I'll miss without a tv. 80 00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:09,146 Lois is right, peter. Network television stinks. 81 00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:10,856 Streaming is way more entertaining. 82 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:13,108 Yeah? Name one good show on "streaming." 83 00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:14,234 Mare of easttown! 84 00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:15,861 -Fargo! -True detective. 85 00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:17,779 -American rust! -Broadchurch. 86 00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,324 That isn't about a person attempting to navigate life 87 00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,826 In a small town in the aftermath of a murder. 88 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:26,205 Look, come on, just-just give streaming a chance. 89 00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,664 Don't you want to watch something where, 90 00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:30,709 If you miss even a second, you're hopelessly confused? 91 00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:33,036 Yeah! Or a great premise, 92 00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:34,922 Which puts a lot of balls in the air, 93 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,123 Followed by a horribly disappointing ending 94 00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:38,342 That drops all of them? 95 00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:39,509 And on hbo max, 96 00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:40,886 Sometimes after the credits, 97 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,888 You can watch the actors talk about the show. 98 00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:46,266 Yeah, I don't just want to see connie britton do a good job. 99 00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:48,018 I want to see connie britton talking 100 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:49,937 About the good job she just did. 101 00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:51,438 You know what I'm not hearing, guys? 102 00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:53,690 Cedric the entertainer telling a white guy 103 00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:55,150 That he doesn't walk the right way. 104 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:58,779 Hmm. I may have to side with peter now. 105 00:03:58,864 --> 00:03:59,863 And you also haven't told me 106 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:01,406 About a single show with sheldon. 107 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,367 For every program, I want to know, 108 00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:04,534 Is there a sheldon 109 00:04:04,662 --> 00:04:06,119 And at what stage of life is he? 110 00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:09,039 He is the perfect dumb guy's version of a smart guy. 111 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,999 And I demand him on my television! 112 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:14,544 All right. I think I see how to untangle this knot. 113 00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,380 Last tango in halifax. 114 00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:18,298 -What? -You've never heard of tango? 115 00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:21,718 Well, anne reid and derek jacobi play celia and alan, 116 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:26,056 A couple reunited in their 70s after 60 years apart. 117 00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:29,101 Sarah lancashire plays celia's formidable daughter, 118 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,102 Caroline. And n-- 119 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:31,895 -[screams] -[splat] 120 00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:35,983 Look, guys, I j-- I don't like gritty, convoluted television. 121 00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:39,528 I like the simple, comforting joy of network tv. 122 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,989 Peter, the point of tv isn't joy anymore. 123 00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,991 It's to destroy you emotionally. 124 00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:45,659 Who the hell wants to watch something happy 125 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,911 When you can watch koreans fight to the death? 126 00:04:47,997 --> 00:04:50,956 Well, I disagree. And I'm not letting lois get away with this. 127 00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:52,332 'cause I miss my shows. 128 00:04:52,418 --> 00:04:54,001 Like the comedy of black-ish 129 00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,169 Or those classic new york conversations 130 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,671 At the beginning of law & order. 131 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,257 Hey, you see that aaron judge baseball hit last night? 132 00:05:00,384 --> 00:05:03,385 Sure did. Right here in one of our five boroughs. 133 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,678 Oh, no! 134 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:08,223 I bet you a slice of new york pizza pie he's dead! 135 00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,522 I can't believe you buy milk and bras at the same place. 136 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:16,857 God, we're trash. 137 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,400 What? Where's the fridge? 138 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,819 I sold it. You get rid of the things I love, 139 00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,404 I get rid of the things you love. 140 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:25,490 I also sold that tiny jewish hat you keep in the bathroom. 141 00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,117 That was my diaphragm. 142 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:29,870 Ah. Well, mort's gonna have a rough day at temple. 143 00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:31,913 Look, just give streaming a shot. 144 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,290 After all, it can't be any worse 145 00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,375 Than when we went to the florida panhandle. 146 00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:39,379 Mmm. Ah, this shrimp is delicious. [chuckles] 147 00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:41,048 [gasps, choking] 148 00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:42,674 Oh, god, my wife's choking! 149 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,593 Is there a doctor in the house?! 150 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,511 College graduate? 151 00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:48,055 High school graduate? 152 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,849 Some high school with vocational degree? 153 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:54,603 Whoever gets the shrimp out of her windpipe can have it! 154 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,605 [screaming, shouting] 155 00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:03,320 Well, I guess it's time to try this streaming thing. 156 00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:05,113 Hey, what's our netflix password? 157 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,324 Uh, I don't know. I use quagmire's. 158 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,409 Squirrel hunter? 159 00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:12,162 The truth about kicking your leg during sleep? 160 00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:15,040 Only the otis scenes of milo and otis? 161 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:17,751 And thirsty romanian coeds. All right! 162 00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:18,960 We do have some overlap. 163 00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:22,255 Okay, I guess I'll click "forgot password." 164 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:25,083 Now it's asking me to pick all the stoplights in a picture. 165 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,302 Huh. A stoplight in front of a movie theater 166 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:29,679 With a marquee reading spotlight. 167 00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,098 This might be a trick. 168 00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:34,309 All right, "what is the first concert you attended?" 169 00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:37,604 "smash mouth, the time they got bread thrown at them." 170 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,272 "favorite pet?" 171 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,775 Wait, you're not gonna write "bartholomew," are you? 172 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,110 No, no, no. I would never do that. 173 00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:45,237 ♪ bartholomew, bartholomew ♪ 174 00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:48,573 ♪ I'm dancing with my favorite dog, bartholomew! ♪ 175 00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,200 [knocking] 176 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,244 Kevin james?! 177 00:06:52,371 --> 00:06:54,955 Hi, peter. You were my last viewer. [chuckles] 178 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,082 And now that you've gotten rid of network tv, 179 00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:58,333 I'm out of a job. 180 00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:00,001 Well, you're a sitcom dad, 181 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,546 So if the couch accepts you, you can come in. 182 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:06,591 [screams] 183 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,927 [giggles] road couch. 184 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,851 Wow! Kevin james! 185 00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,060 I can't believe you're here! 186 00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,603 Hey, guys, we got company! 187 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,980 No nude wandering! 188 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,899 Well, so much for full frontal fridays. 189 00:07:22,985 --> 00:07:25,110 Wait, triple "f" is a no-go? 190 00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:27,654 Look, I'm here because now that I don't have 191 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:29,606 Any viewers or a job, 192 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,533 I need you to take care of me. 193 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:32,701 What, is that some kind of rule? 194 00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:34,035 Of course it is, lois. 195 00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:36,580 In network tv, if someone shows up at your door, 196 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,747 You have to take care of 'em. 197 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,124 It's the pilot of most shows. 198 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,126 Oh, really? Name 50. 199 00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:42,961 New girl, two and a half men, 200 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,838 Punky brewster, perfect strangers, 201 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,131 Frasier, will & grace, 202 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,175 Friends, joey, home economics, 203 00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,135 Mom, dads, cheers, 204 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:51,845 Hope & faith, raising hope, 205 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,221 Full house, fuller house, 206 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:54,890 -King of queens-- -that's good. 207 00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,183 -I-I think we get it. -Oh, no, no. 208 00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:58,560 No, this is a "name all 50" kind of show. 209 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,687 Too close for comfort, mork & mindy, 210 00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,397 The nanny, mr. Belvedere, 211 00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,483 The united states of al, yes, dear, 212 00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:07,027 Down and out in beverly hills, the tv series, 213 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,570 Rhoda, golden girls, 214 00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:10,780 Alf, meego, empty nest, 215 00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:12,115 Wings, my two dads, 216 00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,117 Evening shade, I dream of jeannie, 217 00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:15,827 Off centre, webster, 218 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,205 The bernie mac show, the return of jezebel james, 219 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,624 Aliens in america, last man on earth, 220 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,167 Union square, bram & alice, 221 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,169 The grinder, bleep my dad says, 222 00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,712 The fresh prince of bel-air, 223 00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,130 Damon, happy endings, 224 00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:28,965 Big brother jake, three's company, 225 00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,884 Mama's family and who's the boss? 226 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,303 Oh, yeah? Name 50 more. 227 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,721 [sighs heavily] 228 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,556 Silver spoons, the odd couple, 229 00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:37,807 The new odd couple... 230 00:08:37,893 --> 00:08:39,100 -Diff'rent strokes and-- -[creaking] 231 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:41,686 Oh, my god! She hung herself! 232 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:42,938 Nah, nah, that's from airplane. 233 00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,481 We do that kind of stuff, too. 234 00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:46,024 You can stay. 235 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,521 Family, meet kevin. 236 00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:52,906 Wow! 237 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:55,367 I guess black dress shirts aren't just for magicians. 238 00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:58,828 [quietly] peter, you can't just invite him to stay here. 239 00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:00,830 Come on, lois. When you got rid of the tv, 240 00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,207 Did you really think it wouldn't end 241 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,042 With me bunking with kevin james? 242 00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:06,878 So, kevin, what's mandy patinkin like? 243 00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,797 Uh, I don't know. Never met him. 244 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,383 I thought you said this guy was a [bleep] star. 245 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,218 Hey, brian, when are you going to try to impress 246 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,679 Our hollywood guest with your writerly chops? 247 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,473 Uh, your mouth's moving! You're already rehearsing it. 248 00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:21,476 So, kevin, the hollywood game can be pretty tough, huh? 249 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,687 Do you have hollywood experience? 250 00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,689 [chuckling] well, actually-- 251 00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:27,482 He sure does! We went out there once, 252 00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,442 And on day one, brian bit a culkin. 253 00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:31,528 Tried to pet him without showing his hand first 254 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:32,904 And, boom, fingers gone. 255 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,114 I need to see the hand! 256 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,574 It's how I know he's not an aggressor. 257 00:09:35,659 --> 00:09:37,158 Kevin, I don't understand. 258 00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:38,660 How can you be out of work? 259 00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,412 You're not just a television actor-- 260 00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:41,871 You're a movie star! 261 00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:43,999 Movie star? [chuckles] come on. 262 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,835 I mean, I guess paul blart did make 200 million 263 00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:48,336 On a shoestring budget, 264 00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,755 I was the single most bankable comedy actor 265 00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:52,382 Of the last two decades 266 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:55,635 And the audience score on grown ups was very respectable. 267 00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:58,513 Eh, the last one doesn't seem to measure up with the first two. 268 00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:02,434 But everything I had was because people knew me from network tv. 269 00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:03,935 And now that's over. 270 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,187 So, peter, what are we gonna do after dinner? 271 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,814 Get a large bowl of popcorn 272 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,817 And watch the big game in our sports uniforms? 273 00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:12,235 Yeah, kevin, uh, I think 274 00:10:12,321 --> 00:10:14,863 You've only watched sporting events on tv shows. 275 00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:16,364 Nobody calls it "the big game" 276 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,533 Or makes a large bowl of popcorn. 277 00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,327 But then what's gonna fly all over the place 278 00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:22,037 -When we get excited? -[giggles] 279 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,872 Okay. A-all right, all right, that's fair. 280 00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,041 All right, look, kevin can stay for dinner, 281 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,208 But then he has to leave. 282 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,877 But he doesn't have anywhere else to go! 283 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,462 And this whole thing is our fault. 284 00:10:30,589 --> 00:10:32,380 Come on, look at him-- he's got no idea 285 00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,633 What life outside of sitcoms is like. 286 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,636 I tell you what-- I'll show him how to be a real real guy 287 00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,638 And not just a sitcom real guy, 288 00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:41,473 And then he'll be on his way. 289 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,016 [sighs] fine. 290 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,101 I guess I can't kick someone out on christmas. 291 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,062 But where's he gonna sleep? 292 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,938 Don't worry. I got that all figured out. 293 00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:50,940 You won't even notice he's there. 294 00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:53,318 -[snoring] -[canned laughter] 295 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,947 In network tv, what someone says won't happen, 296 00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,574 That's what's gonna happen. 297 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,493 [canned laughter] 298 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,084 Hey, where's kevin? I thought we were gonna show him 299 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,210 How regular guys drink. 300 00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:11,920 We are, but he's still adjusting, 301 00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,838 And he won't enter a room until his warm-up guy 302 00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:14,872 Works the crowd. 303 00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,841 -So, where you folks from? -Quahog. 304 00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:18,218 [chuckles] oh, quahog. 305 00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,969 I'll talk a little slower. 306 00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,971 -Aw, he got me. -I'm just kidding. 307 00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:24,140 And, hey, thank you for your service. 308 00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,809 Oh, I was never in the military. 309 00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:28,311 I was talking to the booth holding you up. 310 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,439 Oh, damn it, he got me again! This guy's too quick. 311 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,483 All right, everyone, kevin's gonna be out in a moment, 312 00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:36,528 So remember, he feeds off your energy. 313 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,781 So the better you are, the better kevin's gonna be. 314 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:42,242 Hi, guys. Great to see you tonight. 315 00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:45,370 Wait, he couldn't just think of that? 316 00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:48,581 And doesn't peter griffin look handsome? 317 00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,417 I took the cue cards. 318 00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:52,961 I grabbed him from behind too hard, 319 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:54,587 And now he's not moving. 320 00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,426 Hey, kevin, was that lady always pressuring you 321 00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:00,760 To join scientology? 322 00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:03,513 No. I'm a devout catholic, and that's even weirder. 323 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,141 Did you know that when unbaptized babies die, 324 00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:08,727 They go into limbo until the pope said 325 00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,228 That wasn't a thing anymore? 326 00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:13,356 Yeah, my grandpa went to hell for eating meat on fridays. 327 00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,693 Worth it. 328 00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:21,239 Well, kevin, it's time to teach you 329 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:24,659 How real blue-collar guys pay real bills in real life. 330 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,536 See this? It's a mortgage bill. 331 00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,747 And this is how it gets paid. 332 00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:30,457 Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's peter. 333 00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,917 -Please pay my mortgage. -[carter] damn it, griffin! 334 00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,086 I'm crying, mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm crying. 335 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,088 I know you're crying. Act like a man. 336 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,549 I can't. I'm not a man. And if you don't pay it, 337 00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:42,010 I'm gonna hurt myself and your grandchildren. 338 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,262 -Stop threatening me. -It's not a threat if I do it. 339 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,097 It's not a threat if I do it. 340 00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,141 -Okay, okay, I'll pay it. -Thank you. 341 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:51,436 All right, now to show you how to pay a utility bill. 342 00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:52,812 [phone ringing] 343 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:55,106 -Hello? -Kevin, it's peter. 344 00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:57,358 I really messed up, man. 345 00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:03,531 Good news. I got my first real job 346 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,200 As an actual ups guy. 347 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:06,993 They said I was the last non-robot 348 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,453 They're ever gonna hire. 349 00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:09,829 That's great, buddy. 350 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,915 You narrowly escaped becoming a realtor. 351 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,959 Hi. Are you the realtor for this property? 352 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,045 I am. I blew out my shoulder 353 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,881 Playing minor league baseball, so now I do this. 354 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,967 [announcer] realtors: Never anyone's plan a. 355 00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:24,594 And I also started dating a woman 356 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,180 Who looks like she actually belongs with me. 357 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,475 She has the most negative dating app page I've ever seen. 358 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,560 "wants to know where all the good men are. 359 00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:35,772 Integrity only. I will not cosign a loan," 360 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,190 With the "not" underlined. 361 00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,984 And a picture of her dog that says, "the only man 362 00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,153 Who's never lied to me." oh, this is great. 363 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,573 Yeah, I think I'm a real real guy now, peter. 364 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,283 You sure are. You see, kev, 365 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,202 Nothing's gonna stop you in the real world 366 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,955 Except for your own cardiovascular system. 367 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,374 Hey, I'm only heavy 'cause adam sandler made me 368 00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,584 Gain 60 pounds to be in his movies. 369 00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,378 I was ethel to his lucy. 370 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,714 Anyway, I owe you, peter. Put it there. 371 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,844 Aah! What happened to your hand? 372 00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:09,848 I-I don't know. It-it's disappearing. 373 00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:12,141 Were you also bit by brian? 374 00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:14,352 [laughs] that's the culkin. 375 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,735 Let me guess, one of you chuckleheads 376 00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,487 Has a nutcracker inside you. 377 00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:26,322 -What? No. -Hi. 378 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,867 We're nonjudgmental interns just here to observe. 379 00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:30,285 False alarm. Not what I thought. 380 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,911 [interns] aww. 381 00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,246 Whenever interns observe, 382 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,664 It's because we think you put something in there. 383 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,542 Listen, doctor, I need you to help my friend kevin. 384 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,460 Oh, my god, kevin james! 385 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,504 You know, you owe your career to me. 386 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:44,549 I'm the doctor who couldn't save john candy. 387 00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:47,135 Doctor, my hand, it's disappearing, 388 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,053 And I don't know what to do. 389 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:52,307 Kevin, your arm. It's getting worse. 390 00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,101 Hmm. I think I see what's going on here. 391 00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:56,477 Kevin is fading away 392 00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,688 Because streaming has made him irrelevant. 393 00:14:58,857 --> 00:15:00,398 Is there anything we can do for him? 394 00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:03,359 Yes. Sitcom stars like kevin clearly need the laughs 395 00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:05,987 Of a studio audience, or he may disappear forever. 396 00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,989 His hair was disappearing, too, 397 00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:10,116 But I assume he took care of that another way. 398 00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,868 Is there someone I can talk to? 399 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,579 Ah, there's our guy. Interns! 400 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,834 Guys, we gotta get kevin back on tv. 401 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,169 So ideas. Go. 402 00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,004 Kevin plays a large robot, 403 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,131 And it's called big wonder. 404 00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:27,258 [laughs] not bad, not bad. Okay, what else? 405 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,678 A show in which kevin moves in with a woman named betsy, 406 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:34,098 And it's called kevins to betsy. 407 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,809 Or he's the seventh in a long line of kevins, 408 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:37,977 For seventh kevin. 409 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,354 Yeah, they don't all have to be puns 410 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,730 Built around the name kevin. 411 00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,816 Guys, I think we were all laughing at big wonder. 412 00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,068 We're not doing big wonder. 413 00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:47,111 Why? Because you didn't think of it? 414 00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:50,156 Chris, the brainstorming process is admittedly messy, 415 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,075 But let's try to stay away from personal attacks. 416 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,578 I have an idea. I'm a stepdad with six daughters, 417 00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:58,373 And it's called daddy's girls. 418 00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,999 I don't know. Not sure I see the hook. 419 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:03,127 And I trick them into washing my car in their bikinis 420 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,088 While I hide in the backseat. 421 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,381 Okay, now I love it. 422 00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,466 It's not just funny, it's smart. 423 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:09,926 You know, I'm on godaddy, 424 00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,804 And the domain name "big wonder" is available. 425 00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,181 -Chris, stop pushing this. -Oh, really? 426 00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:18,017 'cause if kevin pitched it, you'd put your mouth on him. 427 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,645 All right, that's it. You're grounded for life. 428 00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:23,147 Which was also a fat dad sitcom. 429 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:25,316 [laughs] okay, all right, we've made up. 430 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,735 I've got an idea. Kevin is a baker, 431 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,195 And he adopts 12 children. 432 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,697 The title writes itself. 433 00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:33,533 Yeah, and the tagline is "he's got muffin to lose." 434 00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,827 Okay, wow, all right, this is too good for kevin. 435 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,412 We have to write this now. 436 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,415 You know why he's a baker? Because he kneads the dough. 437 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,127 [laughs] I love this poster. I mean show. 438 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:47,338 Peter, my arm is almost gone now. 439 00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:48,923 Oh, god, what are we gonna do? 440 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,466 Okay, come on, everyone. 441 00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:52,969 It's time to go to city hall for the tree lighting. 442 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,972 And meg's in the nativity play as the virgin mary. 443 00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:58,349 Wait a minute. The nativity play. 444 00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:01,853 Kevin, I got an idea, and it's my best idea 445 00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,855 Since I put hockey ice in the kitchen. 446 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:06,232 -[timer dings] -yay, waffles. 447 00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,194 Mine. Hockey house. 448 00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:15,950 Everyone, change of plans. 449 00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:17,243 This year we're gonna do a twist 450 00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:19,245 On the usual story of the king of kings, 451 00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:22,582 With the "king of queens," kevin james. 452 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,920 Peter, this isn't gonna work. 453 00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,338 Sure it will. The doctor said 454 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,132 You need live audience laughter. 455 00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,926 The conceit is he's a single dad with a baby. 456 00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:36,345 [laughs] the conception may be immaculate, 457 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,056 But the diaper sure isn't. 458 00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:40,475 -[booing] -get off the stage. 459 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,310 Network tv is stupid. 460 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,812 Why does jerry stiller have such a big chest? 461 00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:47,023 Peter, my leg. 462 00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:51,027 Come on, guys, network tv isn't stupid. 463 00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,238 It-it's... It's like the bible. 464 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:55,740 Sure, the plot doesn't make sense 465 00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:56,949 If you think about it. 466 00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,409 The characters are a little over the top. 467 00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:01,287 Both tell the same tired stories again and again. 468 00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:03,247 No one ever seems to learn their lesson. 469 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:04,207 And neither ever offers 470 00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:05,958 An authentic female point of view. 471 00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,668 Oh, if I can add to that-- 472 00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,253 Not now, lois, I'm talking. 473 00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:12,256 But the point is, network tv... It makes you feel good. 474 00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:15,218 And when the rest of life is so exhausting and hard, 475 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,845 Isn't that all that's important? 476 00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,430 Peter, my other leg! 477 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,433 [soft laughter] 478 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:25,520 Yes. Kevin, keep going. 479 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,313 That went well. 480 00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:29,148 [laughter] 481 00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:31,150 Well, there's the star of bethlehem, 482 00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:34,570 Which is one more star than I'm giving this inn on yelp. 483 00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:35,947 [loud laughter] 484 00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,323 Oh, that's so funny. 485 00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:38,116 I use yelp. 486 00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,784 Do you think ben stiller's chest 487 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:40,952 Will pop out like his dad's? 488 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,703 I just want to know what to expect. 489 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,247 See, isn't this fun? 490 00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:46,958 Everyone laughing together at the same simple thing, 491 00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,127 Instead of all of us on our individual devices 492 00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:51,546 Watching depressing, complicated bull crap? 493 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:55,424 We need kevin james, and we need network tv. 494 00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,593 ♪ joy to the world ♪ 495 00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,096 ♪ the lord is come ♪ 496 00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:04,725 ♪ let earth receive her king... ♪ 497 00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:07,562 Peter, my limbs. They're coming back. 498 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,064 And that's not all. Look! 499 00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:14,485 It's old sitcom stars. 500 00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,070 They're coming out of the cornfield. 501 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:18,322 It's jenna elfman. 502 00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:19,949 Tony danza. 503 00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,242 And, uh... 504 00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,995 Traylor howard, from two guys and a girl. 505 00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:25,037 Yeah, you're not a star. 506 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:26,289 You shouldn't be in the cornfield. 507 00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:29,250 But I was also in the later seasons of monk. 508 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,501 I see. 509 00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:32,461 -[screaming] -[splat] 510 00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:35,173 Now your list of credits includes castle. 511 00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:37,216 Hi, I'm les moonves chen. 512 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:39,552 And I'm hiding behind my wife's name now. 513 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,096 Kevin, I'm looking for my own television comeback, 514 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:45,349 And enough power that I can sexually harass doctors again. 515 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,977 -And I'm anyone else. -I'll go with you. 516 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:50,971 And to think I was about to kiss you. 517 00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:53,399 Kevin, let's go make a sitcom. 518 00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:54,942 I can't believe it. 519 00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,986 I'm gonna be on tv again. 520 00:19:57,113 --> 00:20:00,031 I'm going back to hollywood. 521 00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:02,408 [all gasp] 522 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,706 [gasps] he's a christmas miracle. 523 00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:10,958 Can I please have my tv back now? 524 00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,585 Yes, peter, you can. 525 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,503 Yay! Kiss me, lois. 526 00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:16,589 And think about our marriage while we're kissing. 527 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,632 Mm... 528 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,092 ♪ oh, barkley, my barkley ♪ 529 00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,220 ♪ the other dog we had. ♪ 530 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,602 And that's baker's dozen. 531 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,646 We're hoping you say yes. 532 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,272 Or just roll with it. 533 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:34,315 [laughter] 534 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,691 Great pitch, guys. 535 00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:38,319 This is exactly the kind of tagline-driven comedy 536 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,071 -We're looking for. -Really? 537 00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:42,448 The only problem is we've already committed 538 00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:43,908 To another project: 539 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,369 -Big wonder. -Thank you, gentlemen. 540 00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:49,080 -What?! -He owns the rights to the domain name. 541 00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:50,706 That's a big deal in our world. 542 00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:51,999 Fine. We don't need you. 543 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,752 We'll take this down the hall to scott rudin. 544 00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:56,671 [loud crash] 545 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,214 He threw a computer at me. 546 00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:00,549 He didn't even ask who I was.