1
00:00:02,652 --> 00:00:05,170
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,322 --> 00:00:08,215
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,844
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,995 --> 00:00:14,905
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,998 --> 00:00:18,258
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:21,669
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,838 --> 00:00:23,247
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,265 --> 00:00:24,431
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,641 --> 00:00:30,362
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
10
00:00:36,779 --> 00:00:38,037
[sighs] Son of a bitch.
11
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,446
What's wrong, Peter?
12
00:00:39,598 --> 00:00:41,615
Eh, our I.T. guy told me today
that, apparently,
13
00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:44,451
I've had a work e-mail address
ever since I started there.
14
00:00:44,603 --> 00:00:47,604
So now I got to slog
through 17,000 messages.
15
00:00:47,623 --> 00:00:50,382
Aw, crap, we didn't have
to come in on 9/11?
16
00:00:50,534 --> 00:00:52,943
I never even liked working
at that stupid brewery.
17
00:00:53,036 --> 00:00:55,295
Hardly my dream job,
I'll tell you that much.
18
00:00:55,447 --> 00:00:57,705
Now, there's
an interesting question.
19
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,541
What would be your dream job?
20
00:00:59,635 --> 00:01:01,543
Dream job? Oh, that's easy.
21
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,953
Ever since I was a kid,
22
00:01:03,046 --> 00:01:06,065
I always pictured myself
being an international spy.
23
00:01:09,962 --> 00:01:11,945
♪ ♪
24
00:01:13,132 --> 00:01:15,966
So, beautiful,
which lamp did you unplug
25
00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:17,651
to charge your phone
in the room?
26
00:01:17,803 --> 00:01:19,060
Mine's in the bathroom.
27
00:01:19,154 --> 00:01:21,747
Mm, you know,
I never caught your name.
28
00:01:21,824 --> 00:01:25,584
The name is Band. Lap Band.
29
00:01:25,735 --> 00:01:27,086
-[rapid gunfire]
-[screams]
30
00:01:28,497 --> 00:01:31,315
Careful. Here come the bad guys
from whatever country
31
00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:33,592
won't offend American
or Chinese audiences.
32
00:01:33,743 --> 00:01:35,502
-[gunfire]
-[grunts]
33
00:01:35,654 --> 00:01:38,488
You have dishonored the people
of Finland, Mr. Band.
34
00:01:38,507 --> 00:01:41,058
Shoot him,
fellow tall introverts.
35
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:46,063
["Bond 77" by Marvin Hamlisch
playing]
36
00:01:57,934 --> 00:02:00,101
Yep. All definitely me.
37
00:02:00,195 --> 00:02:01,936
Whoosh. Zoom.
38
00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:04,540
Ski noise.
39
00:02:12,875 --> 00:02:16,693
[to tune of Pilot's "Magic"]
♪ Oh, oh, Ozempic... ♪
40
00:02:16,786 --> 00:02:18,137
They threw a ton of money at us.
41
00:02:18,288 --> 00:02:19,638
We couldn't say no.
42
00:02:19,789 --> 00:02:22,683
[dramatic, jazzy theme playing]
43
00:02:30,542 --> 00:02:32,376
[Peter chuckling]
All right.
44
00:02:32,394 --> 00:02:34,802
Hey, I wonder who they got
to do the song.
45
00:02:34,897 --> 00:02:36,880
Blech.
46
00:02:36,899 --> 00:02:39,716
♪ When you're a spy ♪
47
00:02:39,735 --> 00:02:42,903
♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪
48
00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:45,906
♪ You look high and low ♪
49
00:02:46,058 --> 00:02:49,835
♪ You never know
what you'll find ♪
50
00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:52,329
♪ Spy life. ♪
51
00:02:53,323 --> 00:02:56,049
[Peter sighs]
Mercifully brief.
52
00:02:59,922 --> 00:03:01,588
Good morning, Agent 5-5-5.
53
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,758
Ugh, right. 'Cause this is
a number on a television show.
54
00:03:04,910 --> 00:03:08,020
I say, you look as bewitching
as ever, Miss Takeapenny.
55
00:03:08,171 --> 00:03:10,430
Oh, didn't you hear?
I got married.
56
00:03:10,582 --> 00:03:12,632
I'm now
Ms. Takeapenny-Leaveapenny.
57
00:03:12,784 --> 00:03:14,359
Wow, lucky gentleman.
58
00:03:14,511 --> 00:03:16,770
Because he gets to plow you,
is what I mean.
59
00:03:16,922 --> 00:03:18,346
So debonair.
60
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,941
You know, now that I'm married,
I'm actually leaving.
61
00:03:21,093 --> 00:03:23,368
I'm training
my replacement, Todd.
62
00:03:23,595 --> 00:03:25,019
A male secretary?
63
00:03:25,113 --> 00:03:27,372
[sighs] Well, I suppose
I'll just have to adapt
64
00:03:27,599 --> 00:03:28,615
and harass him now.
65
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,692
Nice penis, Todd.
66
00:03:30,786 --> 00:03:32,102
Oh, Mr. Band.
67
00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:33,787
Okay, good,
he knows how to play along.
68
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,605
Yeah, this is-- this'll work.
69
00:03:35,699 --> 00:03:38,442
I understand you have
a mission for me, M,
70
00:03:38,460 --> 00:03:41,261
which I can only assume
stands for "man."
71
00:03:42,631 --> 00:03:44,130
Good morning, Mr. Band.
72
00:03:44,283 --> 00:03:46,616
Whoa. My boss is
the new Little Mermaid
73
00:03:46,635 --> 00:03:47,801
I'm so mad about.
74
00:03:47,953 --> 00:03:50,470
Mr. Band, we have
reports of a plan
75
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:52,956
to intercept a European
nuclear device
76
00:03:52,975 --> 00:03:55,959
by the villainous
mastermind, Blofella.
77
00:03:55,961 --> 00:03:57,218
Got it, M.
78
00:03:57,387 --> 00:04:01,764
Or-or is it maybe MHM
and you pronounce it "mm-hmm"?
79
00:04:01,817 --> 00:04:02,983
M is fine.
80
00:04:03,135 --> 00:04:04,968
Okay, yeah, I--
times have changed
81
00:04:04,987 --> 00:04:06,620
and I-I got to--
I need to catch up.
82
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,998
♪ ♪
83
00:04:14,404 --> 00:04:17,071
Oh, hey, Q.
Hey, have you seen who M is?
84
00:04:17,165 --> 00:04:19,149
Which I totally support,
by the way.
85
00:04:19,242 --> 00:04:20,592
In fact, it was my idea
and I fought for it.
86
00:04:20,744 --> 00:04:22,002
You should've heard me.
87
00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:24,078
Okay, just let me show you
the cutting-edge equipment
88
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,597
you'll need for your mission.
89
00:04:25,824 --> 00:04:29,268
First, I have this fridge
that displays today's headlines.
90
00:04:29,419 --> 00:04:31,770
Did-- did you just go
to Best Buy?
91
00:04:31,997 --> 00:04:34,088
No. I also have these headphones
92
00:04:34,182 --> 00:04:36,108
that block out
ambient plane noise.
93
00:04:36,335 --> 00:04:37,851
Yeah, you-you just went
to Best Buy.
94
00:04:38,003 --> 00:04:40,337
-I did not!
-So, where am I headed?
95
00:04:40,355 --> 00:04:41,521
We're expecting Blofella
96
00:04:41,598 --> 00:04:43,765
to attempt to intercept
the bomb in Belgium.
97
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:44,932
Oh, awesome.
98
00:04:45,027 --> 00:04:46,285
That's the country where
they basically have
99
00:04:46,436 --> 00:04:47,844
dessert for breakfast, right?
100
00:04:47,863 --> 00:04:50,530
Agent triple-five,
I cannot stress enough--
101
00:04:50,682 --> 00:04:52,666
no dessert for breakfast.
102
00:04:53,702 --> 00:04:55,711
♪ ♪
103
00:05:03,119 --> 00:05:04,878
Greetings, Mr. Band,
104
00:05:05,030 --> 00:05:07,306
on behalf of Belgian
Secret Services.
105
00:05:07,533 --> 00:05:09,049
Oh, hey.
I-I'd shake your hand,
106
00:05:09,201 --> 00:05:11,310
but my arm is syrup-glued
to the table.
107
00:05:11,495 --> 00:05:14,220
The name is Alice. Alice Boobs.
108
00:05:14,373 --> 00:05:17,207
[giggles]
That works in two ways.
109
00:05:17,225 --> 00:05:19,709
No, it's-it's really just one.
110
00:05:19,728 --> 00:05:21,403
♪ ♪
111
00:05:22,898 --> 00:05:26,550
Our intelligence has revealed
that the bomb transfer is
112
00:05:26,552 --> 00:05:30,737
to take place in this warehouse
for generic wooden crates.
113
00:05:30,889 --> 00:05:33,623
♪ ♪
114
00:05:38,230 --> 00:05:40,914
-[helicopter whirring loudly]
-[speaking indistinctly]
115
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,841
What? It's very loud.
116
00:05:42,992 --> 00:05:45,135
[shouting indistinctly]
117
00:05:47,348 --> 00:05:49,014
We're getting none of this.
118
00:05:49,091 --> 00:05:50,498
If we can't hear him,
119
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,076
he can't hear us saying
we can't hear him.
120
00:05:53,095 --> 00:05:54,502
What a mess!
121
00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:55,929
Gavin. Gavin.
122
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,914
Turn off--
turn the helicopter off.
123
00:05:57,933 --> 00:06:01,768
I-I was going to say, "Sorry
to drop in on your party,"
124
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,678
but, uh, feels stupid now.
125
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,012
Get 'em, boys.
126
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,514
So that's it, Blofella?
127
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,425
You're just gonna have us
killed by your henchmen?
128
00:06:08,443 --> 00:06:10,777
Oh, okay, I'd rather you
not use that word.
129
00:06:10,929 --> 00:06:12,746
They are independent
contractors.
130
00:06:12,931 --> 00:06:14,431
He doesn't want
to pay us benefits.
131
00:06:14,449 --> 00:06:17,117
There is an app they log into
when they want to work,
132
00:06:17,269 --> 00:06:19,026
around their schedule.
133
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:22,622
I am not their employer.
The app is their employer.
134
00:06:22,774 --> 00:06:24,532
Goodbye, Mr. Band.
135
00:06:24,626 --> 00:06:26,593
[laughing maniacally]
136
00:06:27,629 --> 00:06:29,638
[grunting]
137
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:38,379
[groans]
138
00:06:38,473 --> 00:06:40,381
[Peter]
It wasn't looking good.
139
00:06:40,475 --> 00:06:43,026
But thankfully,
Q had supplied me with...
140
00:06:44,312 --> 00:06:46,405
Captain America's shield.
141
00:06:46,481 --> 00:06:47,555
[Quagmire]
What? No, no, no.
142
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:48,648
You can't just become
143
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,575
a Marvel character
halfway through.
144
00:06:50,727 --> 00:06:52,802
[Joe]
Also, we usually see
all the stuff
145
00:06:52,896 --> 00:06:54,320
Q gives you at the beginning.
146
00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:56,806
This feels very unearned.
147
00:06:56,825 --> 00:06:59,734
[Peter]
Belgian intelligence learned
that Blofella's plan was
148
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,953
to use the nuclear device
he'd intercepted
149
00:07:02,180 --> 00:07:04,648
to blow up the city
of Las Vegas.
150
00:07:04,666 --> 00:07:07,150
But that wasn't the only
emergency I was dealing with.
151
00:07:07,243 --> 00:07:09,653
Yeah, you said everyone
in Vegas wears tuxedos,
152
00:07:09,671 --> 00:07:12,172
and I'm starting to feel
pretty self-conscious.
153
00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:14,081
Uh, I didn't say "definitely."
154
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,101
I said,
"It was my understanding."
155
00:07:16,328 --> 00:07:19,020
[gasps]
Agent triple-five, look.
156
00:07:19,998 --> 00:07:21,331
[cheering]
157
00:07:21,349 --> 00:07:25,026
[gasps]
Blofella. Not on my watch.
158
00:07:27,839 --> 00:07:29,030
-[grunts]
-[screams]
159
00:07:31,677 --> 00:07:33,160
[slot machine chiming]
160
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,033
[exhausted panting]
161
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,035
I can't find my way out.
162
00:07:42,187 --> 00:07:45,021
Okay, well, that says
"breakfast buffet" that way,
163
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,965
but I'm pretty sure
we've seen it twice.
164
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:49,217
♪ ♪
165
00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:53,029
Here we are again
at North Suite Elevators.
166
00:07:53,048 --> 00:07:54,473
I don't know, should we--
should we just
167
00:07:54,624 --> 00:07:56,199
hit the slot machines
while we're here?
168
00:07:56,218 --> 00:07:57,792
No. That's why they do this.
169
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,977
No, no, yeah, no,
I get all that,
170
00:07:59,128 --> 00:08:01,295
and I hate
to hold things up, but...
171
00:08:01,315 --> 00:08:03,148
I mean, Santana's in his 70s.
172
00:08:03,375 --> 00:08:05,725
We should probably see him
while we still can.
173
00:08:05,877 --> 00:08:07,043
Eh.
174
00:08:07,136 --> 00:08:09,988
[guitar solo playing]
175
00:08:10,139 --> 00:08:11,990
[Peter]
I knew one song.
176
00:08:12,217 --> 00:08:13,883
[guitar solo ends]
177
00:08:13,977 --> 00:08:15,235
Son of a bitch.
178
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,662
♪ ♪
179
00:08:21,243 --> 00:08:23,243
There we are. Assembly complete.
180
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,337
So, again, this would be
an appropriate time
181
00:08:25,564 --> 00:08:27,747
for you all to please
log out of the app.
182
00:08:27,899 --> 00:08:30,383
-[Band] Ha! I got you now.
-[gasps]
183
00:08:31,828 --> 00:08:33,419
Mr. Band.
How did you find me?
184
00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:36,573
Honestly, I'm on a guided tour
for the movie The Hangover,
185
00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:37,832
which ends on the roof.
186
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,668
Fun fact, gang--
it was actually Zach's idea
187
00:08:40,746 --> 00:08:43,170
to put the sunglasses
on the baby.
188
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,765
Okay, I see everyone staring
at the Mandalay Bay,
189
00:08:45,917 --> 00:08:48,676
so I'll go ahead and tell you
which window was the shooter's.
190
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:49,769
Well, you're too late.
191
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:52,088
In a few moments,
all of Las Vegas will be
192
00:08:52,107 --> 00:08:53,514
totally wiped off the map.
193
00:08:53,608 --> 00:08:55,108
[grunting]
194
00:08:55,260 --> 00:08:57,702
You're a madman.
Why are you doing this?
195
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,372
I need to get out of a very
restrictive time-share deal,
196
00:09:00,599 --> 00:09:03,208
and this is literally
the only way out.
197
00:09:03,359 --> 00:09:05,293
♪ ♪
198
00:09:10,792 --> 00:09:12,275
[Peter]
There was no time.
199
00:09:12,294 --> 00:09:15,036
So that's when I pulled out
Kylo Ren's lightsaber
200
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,871
and knocked Blofella
off the roof.
201
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,205
[screams]
202
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,299
[Quagmire]
No, no, no, no. That's cheating.
203
00:09:19,451 --> 00:09:20,875
[Joe]
Also, you got a lightsaber,
204
00:09:20,969 --> 00:09:22,802
and you're just gonna
push a guy?
205
00:09:22,954 --> 00:09:23,895
[thud]
206
00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:27,290
Oh, triple-five,
you saved my life.
207
00:09:27,309 --> 00:09:29,425
Make love to me right now.
208
00:09:29,461 --> 00:09:32,571
I'm sorry, Alice, I can't.
I'm gay.
209
00:09:32,798 --> 00:09:35,198
New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.
210
00:09:40,730 --> 00:09:42,639
♪ ♪
211
00:09:42,657 --> 00:09:45,399
Wow, that was awesome hearing
about your dream job, Peter.
212
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:48,311
But I was actually lucky enough
to have my dream job.
213
00:09:48,404 --> 00:09:49,662
At least until I lost it.
214
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,998
It all started years ago.
215
00:09:52,150 --> 00:09:54,575
It was the 1980s,
and I was living alone
216
00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:57,503
in a studio apartment
with an askew poster
217
00:09:57,656 --> 00:09:59,823
because bachelors never hang
their posters straight.
218
00:09:59,916 --> 00:10:01,341
[Peter]
Yeah, no offense, Quagmire,
219
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:02,508
but I'm gonna listen
to this story
220
00:10:02,661 --> 00:10:04,510
the same way I do
most podcasts--
221
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,438
at 1.5 speed.
222
00:10:06,589 --> 00:10:08,164
[Quagmire, sped up]
I'd put on some weight
223
00:10:08,183 --> 00:10:09,757
from being in an abusive
relationship with a woman--
224
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,425
-Mama Celeste.
-Abbondanza.
225
00:10:11,445 --> 00:10:13,353
[Peter]
All right, okay.
Ba-Back to normal speed.
226
00:10:13,505 --> 00:10:14,762
I-I'm in. I'm hooked.
227
00:10:16,099 --> 00:10:18,174
[Quagmire]
The other thing about
living in the '80s is that,
228
00:10:18,193 --> 00:10:20,267
wherever you went,
the actual Pointer Sisters
229
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,120
would follow you around,
singing.
230
00:10:22,271 --> 00:10:24,180
[tune of "Jump (for My Love)"]
♪ Glenn ♪
231
00:10:24,199 --> 00:10:26,440
♪ You know this man
just mailed a bill ♪
232
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,608
♪ To Sprint ♪
233
00:10:27,777 --> 00:10:28,960
♪ It's for his phone ♪
234
00:10:29,037 --> 00:10:30,536
♪ A landline phone. ♪
235
00:10:31,465 --> 00:10:33,280
[Quagmire]
I knew I needed
to get in shape,
236
00:10:33,449 --> 00:10:35,783
but the only forms of exercise
in the '80s were
237
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:37,451
roller-skating on a dance floor
238
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,380
or lugging around your dead boss
to use his vacation home.
239
00:10:41,591 --> 00:10:43,624
Back then, there were
two things I liked:
240
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,034
gyrating my pelvis
241
00:10:45,053 --> 00:10:46,703
and putting vowels
next to each other
242
00:10:46,721 --> 00:10:48,204
that weren't normally
next to each other.
243
00:10:48,223 --> 00:10:49,481
I combined those two loves
244
00:10:49,708 --> 00:10:51,983
to create something called
"aerobics."
245
00:10:52,093 --> 00:10:53,209
Welcome aboard.
246
00:10:53,228 --> 00:10:55,153
Here's your
complimentary headband,
247
00:10:55,380 --> 00:10:58,139
two wristbands, waistband,
thigh band, another headband.
248
00:10:58,233 --> 00:10:59,807
There were a lot of bands.
249
00:10:59,901 --> 00:11:02,218
[Peter]
Yeah, my finger's hovering
over that 1.5 button.
250
00:11:02,311 --> 00:11:03,569
[Quagmire]
Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
251
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:06,072
So I started teaching classes
that same week.
252
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,982
I even created an advanced class
253
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,076
based on how your body moves
during sex.
254
00:11:10,228 --> 00:11:12,170
I called it "Sexercise."
255
00:11:12,321 --> 00:11:14,339
♪ ♪
256
00:11:18,253 --> 00:11:20,161
And things took off immediately
257
00:11:20,255 --> 00:11:23,497
because I gave 1980s women
exactly what they wanted:
258
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:25,332
long, flat butts.
259
00:11:25,427 --> 00:11:27,686
Come on, ladies.
Longer! Flatter!
260
00:11:27,913 --> 00:11:29,746
My workout program was a hit,
261
00:11:29,764 --> 00:11:32,190
and soon I was ready
to take it national.
262
00:11:32,341 --> 00:11:33,766
I was lucky enough
to get the chance to announce
263
00:11:33,919 --> 00:11:36,177
the filming of my video on
The Tonight Show with Johnny.
264
00:11:36,271 --> 00:11:38,438
[Joe]
Wow! You met Johnny Carson?
265
00:11:38,532 --> 00:11:40,865
[Quagmire]
Actually, that particular night
there was a guest host,
266
00:11:41,017 --> 00:11:43,259
John Davidson,
star of That's Incredible!
267
00:11:43,352 --> 00:11:45,278
So, you know, different Johnny
but still Johnny.
268
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:48,022
[Peter]
No one has ever called
John Davidson "Johnny."
269
00:11:48,116 --> 00:11:50,709
[Quagmire]
He guest-hosted 87 times.
That's not nothing.
270
00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:53,211
Anyway, the night's first guest
was Jane Fonda,
271
00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:55,104
who was promoting 9 to 5,
272
00:11:55,198 --> 00:11:57,716
by far the blousiest movie
of the 1980s.
273
00:11:57,867 --> 00:11:59,642
So, Glenn Quagmire.
274
00:11:59,644 --> 00:12:00,610
It says here you created
275
00:12:00,703 --> 00:12:03,204
an exercise craze
called "aerobics."
276
00:12:03,298 --> 00:12:06,373
-What inspired that?
-Well, John... ny,
277
00:12:06,468 --> 00:12:09,210
one day as I did jumping jacks
alone in my apartment,
278
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,788
I thought, "How can I take
the worst parts of this
279
00:12:11,806 --> 00:12:13,139
"and put it in a public setting?
280
00:12:13,291 --> 00:12:16,217
Plus a wall of mirrors
and street-facing windows."
281
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,977
The interview seemed
to go great.
282
00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:19,312
But the next day,
283
00:12:19,464 --> 00:12:22,648
I realized how truly ruthless
Jane Fonda was.
284
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:25,151
♪ ♪
285
00:12:26,304 --> 00:12:29,973
Now, Mr. Quagmire, an important
part of releasing a 1980s video
286
00:12:29,991 --> 00:12:33,234
is the incredibly depressing
production logo it opens with.
287
00:12:33,328 --> 00:12:35,144
I have a few here
to choose from.
288
00:12:35,163 --> 00:12:37,255
First is some vibrating
rainbow text
289
00:12:37,482 --> 00:12:39,591
that never quite comes
into focus.
290
00:12:39,742 --> 00:12:41,718
[ominous synth music playing]
291
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,429
Uh-huh, love that.
292
00:12:44,539 --> 00:12:46,914
This one is just a large
bouncing "V"
293
00:12:47,008 --> 00:12:49,100
with an ominous keyboard noise.
294
00:12:49,252 --> 00:12:51,311
[ominous synth music playing]
295
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,272
Also excellent.
296
00:12:54,499 --> 00:12:56,516
Or here's three capital letters
297
00:12:56,668 --> 00:12:59,502
all spelled with one thick,
continuous line
298
00:12:59,595 --> 00:13:01,354
atop a digital horizon.
299
00:13:01,506 --> 00:13:03,531
[ominous synth music playing]
300
00:13:05,693 --> 00:13:07,911
Wow, you can't miss.
Let's go with all three.
301
00:13:09,014 --> 00:13:10,938
Wait a minute.
What's-what's going on?
302
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,181
Where are my leg warmers?
303
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,958
Back then,
leg warmers were essential
304
00:13:14,185 --> 00:13:15,609
because that was, by far,
305
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,796
the coldest decade
from the knee down.
306
00:13:17,947 --> 00:13:19,446
Did someone take my leg warmers?
307
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:23,343
In place of my leg warmers,
I found only a single note.
308
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,138
At first, I assumed
309
00:13:27,290 --> 00:13:29,365
Jodie Foster had stolen
my leg warmers,
310
00:13:29,384 --> 00:13:31,476
and I was about to go
take it out on the president.
311
00:13:31,627 --> 00:13:34,312
But then I realized it could
only have been one person intent
312
00:13:34,463 --> 00:13:38,465
on sabotaging me-- Jane Fonda.
313
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,634
I tried my best to soldier on.
314
00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:41,969
Okay, don't look at my legs.
315
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,564
And one, and two...
My calves are tiny and cold.
316
00:13:44,716 --> 00:13:45,973
And three, and four...
317
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,717
But I knew, even in the moment,
318
00:13:47,810 --> 00:13:49,476
it was gonna be a disaster.
319
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,329
[gasping]
320
00:13:58,913 --> 00:14:01,322
I never stood a chance.
321
00:14:01,416 --> 00:14:03,424
♪ ♪
322
00:14:05,328 --> 00:14:07,328
[Jane Fonda]
Hello, Glenn.
323
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,164
Sorry you failed, but...
[chuckles] like they say,
324
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,241
all's fair in love and aerobics.
325
00:14:12,293 --> 00:14:14,168
Who? Who says that? Nobody.
326
00:14:14,262 --> 00:14:16,762
God, now I get why everyone's
racist uncle hates you.
327
00:14:16,915 --> 00:14:20,249
Well, it's been nice chatting,
but if you'll excuse me,
328
00:14:20,251 --> 00:14:21,860
I have to go lobby our nation
329
00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:24,028
about cleaning up the mess
we made in Vietnam.
330
00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:26,030
-[audio speeds up]
-[Peter] Sorry, I went ahead
and hit the eight-X.
331
00:14:26,182 --> 00:14:29,350
[Quagmire]
No, you-you-you did the,
you did the right thing, Peter.
332
00:14:29,444 --> 00:14:31,661
[ominous synth music playing]
333
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:44,031
♪ ♪
334
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,200
Well, as far as dream jobs go,
335
00:14:46,294 --> 00:14:49,445
mine's always been to do
what you do, Joe, to be a cop.
336
00:14:49,538 --> 00:14:51,631
But, you know, one day
short of retirement,
337
00:14:51,725 --> 00:14:53,799
since y'all got
such a nice benefits package.
338
00:14:53,952 --> 00:14:58,137
Huh. Well, my dream job is to
do pretty much what I do now
339
00:14:58,289 --> 00:15:00,306
but be, like,
a loose cannon type cop
340
00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:02,141
who doesn't care
whether he lives or dies
341
00:15:02,293 --> 00:15:03,902
but can definitely walk.
342
00:15:04,129 --> 00:15:06,195
♪ ♪
343
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,982
[Cleveland]
It was my last day on the job,
344
00:15:10,135 --> 00:15:12,802
and I'd just taken
my last office dump
345
00:15:12,820 --> 00:15:14,061
when I was called
into the chief's office.
346
00:15:14,155 --> 00:15:16,973
Morning, sir.
You wanted to see me?
347
00:15:16,991 --> 00:15:17,990
That's right.
We've been tracking
348
00:15:18,143 --> 00:15:19,492
a notorious drug cartel
349
00:15:19,644 --> 00:15:21,661
that's been bringing
tons of cocaine into L.A.
350
00:15:21,813 --> 00:15:25,498
Yes, cocaine has been ravaging
the Black community for years.
351
00:15:25,650 --> 00:15:28,151
Yeah, well, some white girl
got a minor nosebleed,
352
00:15:28,169 --> 00:15:30,428
so now I guess it's, like,
a big frickin' deal.
353
00:15:30,579 --> 00:15:32,989
In fact, last night,
there was a huge bust.
354
00:15:33,007 --> 00:15:34,265
Wow, how much was it?
355
00:15:34,417 --> 00:15:36,325
And remember,
we measure cocaine--
356
00:15:36,344 --> 00:15:38,844
and nothing else--
in only kilos.
357
00:15:38,997 --> 00:15:41,105
-I don't know, 80 pounds?
-Huh?
358
00:15:41,182 --> 00:15:42,440
Like, 36 kilos.
359
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:45,443
Oh, my God!
That's too much kilos!
360
00:15:45,594 --> 00:15:47,428
Oh, I'm also assigning you
a new partner.
361
00:15:47,522 --> 00:15:49,614
But don't worry, I know
you're nearing retirement
362
00:15:49,841 --> 00:15:51,174
and want a stable situation,
363
00:15:51,192 --> 00:15:54,177
so I'm hooking you up with a guy
named Sergeant Maniac.
364
00:15:54,195 --> 00:15:56,512
How you doing?
I'm a crazy wild card
365
00:15:56,531 --> 00:16:00,032
as indicated by my
only right now timely mullet.
366
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:03,202
Hmm. You ain't dressed
like a police detective.
367
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:06,038
Well, I know we're gonna be
running around chasing bad guys,
368
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,299
so I wore
the tightest jeans I own.
369
00:16:08,451 --> 00:16:10,376
Hi-ya! Hi-ya!
370
00:16:10,528 --> 00:16:12,878
Hey, why don't you come on out
to my beachside trailer
371
00:16:13,047 --> 00:16:15,047
to, uh, discuss the case?
372
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,365
Sure. Where is it?
373
00:16:16,459 --> 00:16:18,977
Eh, not in Malibu--
they wouldn't allow it--
374
00:16:19,204 --> 00:16:21,554
but one of those garbage beaches
further north,
375
00:16:21,706 --> 00:16:24,315
way past Moonshadows, which is,
like, the perfect place
376
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:26,892
to get drunk and tell everybody
who's responsible
377
00:16:27,045 --> 00:16:28,728
for all the world's wars.
378
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,489
♪ ♪
379
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:35,551
[Cleveland]
I soon realized my new partner
had serious issues.
380
00:16:35,570 --> 00:16:38,812
He didn't care what kind
of dangerous stuff he did.
381
00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,573
-[phone rings]
-Hello?
382
00:16:40,725 --> 00:16:43,984
You're calling from
"credit card services"?
383
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:46,229
Great, I'll tell you
my Social Security number,
384
00:16:46,247 --> 00:16:48,655
and you tell me if it matches
what you have there.
385
00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:50,750
Man is insane.
386
00:16:50,902 --> 00:16:53,903
Okay, and, uh, don't laugh
at my mother's maiden name.
387
00:16:53,996 --> 00:16:55,571
It's kind of a goofy one.
388
00:16:55,664 --> 00:16:59,350
Tinkleman. [laughing] Yeah.
It's like... like pee.
389
00:16:59,502 --> 00:17:01,853
I thought we were gonna
discuss the case.
390
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:03,855
Right. I'll be ready
in one minute, but first,
391
00:17:04,006 --> 00:17:07,416
I've been asked to make sure
women come see the movie, too.
392
00:17:07,510 --> 00:17:10,153
♪ ♪
393
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:16,776
[Cleveland]
So my crazy partner and I
set out to solve the case
394
00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:18,685
and began by looking for Leeds,
395
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:21,021
which was a somewhat popular
mattress store,
396
00:17:21,115 --> 00:17:22,782
where if you said you were
a potential customer,
397
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:25,692
they'd let you take a nap
in the middle of the day.
398
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,936
-[snoring]
-Sorry, guys.
399
00:17:27,029 --> 00:17:28,695
My manager says
you have to leave.
400
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:32,124
Leave? But my partner and I
are trying out this queen bed.
401
00:17:32,277 --> 00:17:34,868
-[giggles]
-What are you giggling at?
402
00:17:34,962 --> 00:17:36,946
We're partners
on the police force.
403
00:17:36,964 --> 00:17:39,206
This guy's wearing jeans
with no underwear.
404
00:17:39,284 --> 00:17:41,726
Yeah, you're cops. Sure.
405
00:17:41,953 --> 00:17:44,878
♪ ♪
406
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:46,713
You guys are no closer
to figuring out
407
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:49,233
who's responsible for
bringing in all this cocaine.
408
00:17:49,385 --> 00:17:50,735
I got a pretty good idea.
409
00:17:50,812 --> 00:17:53,738
Have you checked Temple
Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood?
410
00:17:53,889 --> 00:17:57,075
It's also where they control
the weather and the Oscars.
411
00:17:57,226 --> 00:17:59,410
That's it.
You guys are off the case.
412
00:17:59,562 --> 00:18:01,562
♪ ♪
413
00:18:01,656 --> 00:18:03,414
[Cleveland]
Since we'd been thrown off
the case,
414
00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:05,899
I thought it'd be nice
to invite my partner over
415
00:18:05,993 --> 00:18:08,235
-for a home-cooked meal.
-Huh.
416
00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:09,903
You don't have a pitcher
of iced tea?
417
00:18:10,072 --> 00:18:11,572
I thought
every Black family dinner
418
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,073
had a pitcher of iced tea.
419
00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:15,242
We do have a picture of Ice-T,
420
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:17,411
right up there on the wall.
421
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,821
[dispatcher]
Attention, all units, be advised
422
00:18:18,990 --> 00:18:20,673
of a possible drug deal
at the dock.
423
00:18:20,825 --> 00:18:22,007
That's not far from here.
424
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:24,343
No way.
We were taken off that case.
425
00:18:24,495 --> 00:18:27,980
Yeah, but we can be there before
even the closest patrol car.
426
00:18:31,686 --> 00:18:33,611
♪ ♪
427
00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:47,959
There, look.
Quick, pull over and let me out.
428
00:18:48,186 --> 00:18:50,353
-What?
-I'm gonna run
the rest of the way.
429
00:18:50,371 --> 00:18:52,613
I assure you the car
will be faster.
430
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:53,614
See you there.
431
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,716
♪ ♪
432
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:58,302
[grunts]
433
00:19:02,550 --> 00:19:05,351
[panting, grunting]
434
00:19:05,461 --> 00:19:07,203
Been waiting here
for six minutes.
435
00:19:07,221 --> 00:19:10,797
Okay, okay, okay,
so, six-minute mile.
436
00:19:10,892 --> 00:19:12,483
Not bad for jeans
and no underpants.
437
00:19:12,635 --> 00:19:16,028
You got any glovebox Vaseline
in there?
438
00:19:18,733 --> 00:19:21,033
It's the chief. What the hell?
439
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,036
[yells]
440
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:30,668
The chief has been
the mastermind
441
00:19:30,819 --> 00:19:33,320
of the cocaine cartel all along.
442
00:19:33,398 --> 00:19:36,582
That might explain why
he always calls me at 3:00 a.m.
443
00:19:36,734 --> 00:19:38,584
with screenplay ideas.
444
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,720
[phone ringing]
445
00:19:42,164 --> 00:19:43,756
[grunts] Hello?
446
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,016
[Carter]
Okay, hear me out.
447
00:19:45,092 --> 00:19:47,167
It's Die Hard,
but in a building.
448
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,578
Die Hard is in a building.
449
00:19:49,597 --> 00:19:52,005
Hmm, I don't know.
Here, listen to me watch it,
450
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,265
and we'll find out.
451
00:19:53,434 --> 00:19:56,611
[20th Century Fox fanfare
playing over phone]
452
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,034
[both grunt]
453
00:20:10,284 --> 00:20:12,859
Give it up.
You guys can't arrest me anyway.
454
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:16,105
I have diplomatic immunity.
455
00:20:16,198 --> 00:20:18,958
-You do?
-On what basis?
456
00:20:19,110 --> 00:20:21,126
Yeah, I'm a citizen
of Margaritaville.
457
00:20:21,203 --> 00:20:24,037
I even have this hat from
a recent vacation to prove it.
458
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:26,449
[growls] Too bad.
459
00:20:26,542 --> 00:20:30,786
Your diplomatic immunity's
just been revoked.
460
00:20:30,805 --> 00:20:32,230
[groans]
461
00:20:34,459 --> 00:20:36,642
The officer's actions,
while illegal,
462
00:20:36,794 --> 00:20:40,238
were justified by a snappy line.
Movie over.
463
00:20:40,465 --> 00:20:43,148
[ominous synth music playing]
464
00:20:43,301 --> 00:20:45,618
[Quagmire]
I was also a producer
on this project.