1 00:00:02,394 --> 00:00:04,670 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,821 --> 00:00:07,748 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,916 --> 00:00:11,735 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,754 --> 00:00:14,738 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,757 --> 00:00:18,091 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,244 --> 00:00:21,336 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:23,080 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:24,264 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:30,195 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,278 --> 00:00:39,279 It's such a treat to be at the water park with you guys. 11 00:00:39,431 --> 00:00:40,614 I don't want to freak anyone out, 12 00:00:40,766 --> 00:00:43,267 but Meg is just openly weeping at the touch tank. 13 00:00:43,285 --> 00:00:45,527 [crying] It's been so long. 14 00:00:45,621 --> 00:00:48,696 -Okay. All right. -I need this so much. 15 00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,215 -This is a gift. -Just gonna... 16 00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:51,458 -You have no idea. -...move along here. 17 00:00:51,610 --> 00:00:53,277 You're giving me a gift right now. 18 00:00:53,295 --> 00:00:54,702 You-you take care now. 19 00:00:54,797 --> 00:00:58,206 Yeesh. Imagine being that desperate for human connection. 20 00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:00,617 Anyway, sir, I've been stung by a jellyfish, 21 00:01:00,710 --> 00:01:01,968 and I need to be peed on. 22 00:01:02,121 --> 00:01:03,378 Our jellyfish don't sting. 23 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,879 [chuckles] Yeah, I think, I think I know 24 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,123 when I've been stung. 25 00:01:06,141 --> 00:01:07,382 Now is there an attractive, 26 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,626 well-hydrated manager I can speak to? 27 00:01:09,795 --> 00:01:11,461 Everyone having fun? 28 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:13,572 You know, this is our first family time 29 00:01:13,723 --> 00:01:15,407 since we went to Dollywood. 30 00:01:16,893 --> 00:01:18,652 -Aw. -What? 31 00:01:18,804 --> 00:01:20,562 It's just not what I thought the sign would look like. 32 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,823 I mean, it's got two O's right next to each other, 33 00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:25,084 and, you know, it's just... 34 00:01:25,311 --> 00:01:27,461 missed opportunity. 35 00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:34,051 Where's Stewie? 36 00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,987 Hey, Bri, can dolphins sting, 37 00:01:37,005 --> 00:01:38,913 and-and what'll that get me, pee-wise? 38 00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,340 Ah...! 39 00:01:40,492 --> 00:01:41,341 Stewie! 40 00:01:41,493 --> 00:01:43,977 [barking] 41 00:01:45,589 --> 00:01:46,772 Well, I'm out of ideas. 42 00:01:46,999 --> 00:01:48,999 Someone, help! My baby! 43 00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:50,275 Peter, jump in and save him! 44 00:01:50,502 --> 00:01:53,094 On it! Hang on. Hold my phone. Hold my ear buds. 45 00:01:53,114 --> 00:01:55,021 Hold my second phone I hide from your mother. 46 00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,448 -[phone chimes] -Hang on. 47 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,817 Respond with an eggplant emoji. 48 00:01:59,044 --> 00:02:00,536 [grunts] 49 00:02:01,938 --> 00:02:04,606 Hey, check out the new addition. She's hot. 50 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,683 Eh, tank hot. 51 00:02:06,685 --> 00:02:09,336 ♪ ♪ 52 00:02:12,115 --> 00:02:14,758 [panting] 53 00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:18,953 Meg! You saved Stewie! 54 00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,639 Thank God everyone is safe. 55 00:02:20,790 --> 00:02:22,123 And as for you, young lady... 56 00:02:22,201 --> 00:02:24,868 -I guess I'm in trouble, huh? -No, not at all. 57 00:02:24,887 --> 00:02:27,962 In fact, we have a job opening over at our waterslide park. 58 00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:29,982 I think you'd make an excellent lifeguard. 59 00:02:30,133 --> 00:02:31,633 Will you apply for the position? 60 00:02:31,727 --> 00:02:32,651 You mean it? 61 00:02:32,802 --> 00:02:34,711 Wow, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale. 62 00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:38,231 Now that my sister is dead, I must have her ruby slippers. 63 00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:41,735 Oh, no. Those shoes now belong... 64 00:02:41,887 --> 00:02:43,553 to Meg. 65 00:02:43,572 --> 00:02:44,997 ♪ ♪ 66 00:02:45,224 --> 00:02:46,907 Ah! [bleep] 67 00:02:47,075 --> 00:02:49,075 We're not even close to the same size! 68 00:02:49,228 --> 00:02:51,503 Get 'em off, get 'em off! 69 00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:52,838 [crying out] 70 00:02:53,065 --> 00:02:54,822 [announcer] In Oz, there's no place like home. 71 00:02:54,917 --> 00:02:58,385 For big women's shoes, there's no place like Kohl's. 72 00:03:08,096 --> 00:03:09,579 What software is that? 73 00:03:09,598 --> 00:03:12,249 "Final Draft: 'Extra Visible To Nearby Patrons 74 00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:13,583 In the Coffeehouse' Edition"? 75 00:03:13,677 --> 00:03:15,176 Just trying to get a little work done... 76 00:03:15,196 --> 00:03:18,846 on my Hollywood screenplay, for Hollywood. 77 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:22,092 Home of big Hollywood celebrities. 78 00:03:22,261 --> 00:03:25,779 Ike Barinholtz, being an example. 79 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,522 Do not patronize this man! 80 00:03:27,616 --> 00:03:30,692 I found an insensitive post in his Twitter feed! 81 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,452 What? I-I would never. 82 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,604 He tweeted something very negative 83 00:03:34,698 --> 00:03:36,048 about Abbott Elementary. 84 00:03:36,199 --> 00:03:37,958 I-I said it was hilarious. 85 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,960 But you didn't use all caps. 86 00:03:40,112 --> 00:03:41,611 You're canceled, mister. 87 00:03:41,705 --> 00:03:43,597 [all booing] 88 00:03:44,633 --> 00:03:46,433 I'll just gather my things. 89 00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:49,578 [West] Per hipster law, 90 00:03:49,580 --> 00:03:51,546 when a coffeehouse becomes available, 91 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:55,125 it goes to whoever has the best coffee pun for the name. 92 00:03:55,218 --> 00:03:56,718 Um, Java the Hut. 93 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,827 Perks and Recreation. 94 00:03:57,887 --> 00:03:59,129 Uh, Lost and Ground. 95 00:03:59,222 --> 00:04:01,131 -Roast Malone. -Two and a Caf Men. 96 00:04:01,300 --> 00:04:03,316 [West] This can go on for quite a while. 97 00:04:03,469 --> 00:04:07,913 Why, this very shop started in the '80s as Funky Brewster, 98 00:04:08,064 --> 00:04:09,397 and then Delta Perk. 99 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,899 In the mid-'90s, it was briefly a tavern 100 00:04:11,994 --> 00:04:14,644 called Dharma & Grog, and then... 101 00:04:14,663 --> 00:04:15,921 -[barking] -Uhp. 102 00:04:16,072 --> 00:04:17,314 I'll send you back now. 103 00:04:17,316 --> 00:04:18,665 Got to get the dog. 104 00:04:18,817 --> 00:04:20,333 Daisy! Daisy! 105 00:04:20,486 --> 00:04:23,837 It's just the barley man. You know the barley man. 106 00:04:23,989 --> 00:04:25,597 The Unflushed Poo & Tea Leaf. 107 00:04:25,824 --> 00:04:27,248 Bathroom Key Code & Tea Leaf. 108 00:04:27,342 --> 00:04:29,083 The Center for Homeless Armpit-Washing. 109 00:04:29,103 --> 00:04:31,019 Brian, Brian. Everyone's gone. 110 00:04:32,164 --> 00:04:33,588 Yup, it's all yours. 111 00:04:33,682 --> 00:04:35,181 You can name it whatever. 112 00:04:35,334 --> 00:04:36,608 Wow, what should we do first? 113 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:38,852 We should hang an "Under New Management" banner 114 00:04:38,928 --> 00:04:40,170 to generate interest. 115 00:04:40,339 --> 00:04:43,765 Whoa, someone different is signing the time cards. 116 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,659 I got to check this place out. 117 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:51,623 Really glad you're applying for the lifeguard position, Meg. 118 00:04:51,850 --> 00:04:53,458 I just have a few questions. 119 00:04:53,685 --> 00:04:57,020 "If I were to ask you how many times a day you shower, 120 00:04:57,113 --> 00:04:58,946 -what would you say?" -Uh... 121 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:01,024 The pool is a shower? 122 00:05:01,043 --> 00:05:03,117 Wow, skipping to page two. 123 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:05,304 Let's see, this is all just boilerplate 124 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,864 about making sure to hassle the urban kids 125 00:05:07,957 --> 00:05:10,458 -like they're gonna somehow steal the pool. -Right, right, right. 126 00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,869 That was in the application packet you emailed. 127 00:05:12,888 --> 00:05:14,980 Okay, well, you're basically hired. 128 00:05:15,131 --> 00:05:16,815 The only lifeguard test left is 129 00:05:16,966 --> 00:05:19,634 for you to run all sultry in slow motion. 130 00:05:19,728 --> 00:05:21,561 ["Yakety Sax" playing] 131 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,530 ♪ ♪ 132 00:05:35,485 --> 00:05:38,337 -[song ends] -Okay, we can work on that. 133 00:05:42,234 --> 00:05:44,992 Wow, we're finally going to open our coffeehouse today. 134 00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:47,404 I've been dreaming of this day for most of the day, 135 00:05:47,422 --> 00:05:49,014 and now it finally pays off. 136 00:05:49,165 --> 00:05:50,757 Yup, only thing left to do is 137 00:05:50,909 --> 00:05:52,242 put the right music on the Sonos. 138 00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:53,743 [automated voice] Connecting: 139 00:05:53,762 --> 00:05:56,246 -Brian's Knockoff iPhone. -Wait, why does it say that? 140 00:05:56,264 --> 00:06:00,083 [automated voice] Playing: Jazz Music Brian Never Actually Listens To. 141 00:06:00,102 --> 00:06:02,510 -[jazz music playing] -Mmm, love this one. 142 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:04,863 [automated voice] Favorited, but not listened to once. 143 00:06:05,090 --> 00:06:06,198 Not one single time. 144 00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:07,757 It's okay, Bri, I got this. 145 00:06:07,776 --> 00:06:09,684 [automated voice] Connecting: Stewie's iPad 146 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,686 That His Mom Has to Unlock for Him. 147 00:06:11,705 --> 00:06:13,597 Whoa, no, not always. 148 00:06:13,615 --> 00:06:16,041 [automated voice] Playing: Songs That Are Guys' Names. 149 00:06:16,192 --> 00:06:17,542 [male singer] ♪ Robert! ♪ 150 00:06:17,694 --> 00:06:19,044 Stop, stop, we're overthinking this. 151 00:06:19,271 --> 00:06:20,770 It's a coffeehouse. We're legally required 152 00:06:20,789 --> 00:06:23,382 -to play Sheryl Crow's worst songs. -You're right. 153 00:06:23,609 --> 00:06:25,609 Anyway, what matters is we're finally ready 154 00:06:25,702 --> 00:06:28,536 to open our new café: "Oh Joe You D'int." 155 00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:31,281 Uh, did-did we... did we settle on that name? 156 00:06:31,450 --> 00:06:32,966 [laughs] Don't ask me. 157 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,542 You're the one who keeps bringing us back 158 00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:36,953 -to "Oh Joe You D'int." -Yeah, I don't like that one. 159 00:06:36,972 --> 00:06:38,805 And yet here we are talking about it. 160 00:06:38,957 --> 00:06:40,214 You're the one who won't let it go. 161 00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,025 Yeah, me, I'm open to whatever. 162 00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:45,529 All right, are we serving coffee or what? 163 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,740 [busy chatter] 164 00:06:48,967 --> 00:06:50,133 Welcome, everyone. 165 00:06:50,152 --> 00:06:51,893 Step right up and get yourself some coffee. 166 00:06:51,987 --> 00:06:53,412 Stewie, hook these people up with some coffee. 167 00:06:53,563 --> 00:06:55,247 Okay, where did you put the coffee? 168 00:06:55,398 --> 00:06:57,991 Me? Wha-- I-- you were in charge of getting the coffee, 169 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:01,002 I-I was coming up with "Oh Joe You D'int." 170 00:07:03,573 --> 00:07:04,739 Well, frick. 171 00:07:04,983 --> 00:07:06,925 Okay, okay, make it look like we can't help anyone 172 00:07:07,076 --> 00:07:09,261 because we're preparing a giant order for DoorDash. 173 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,171 -How do we do that? -Just start throwing 174 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,989 a bunch of stuff into bags, and I'll keep asking 175 00:07:13,008 --> 00:07:15,225 if the next person through the door is Dave. 176 00:07:16,011 --> 00:07:18,603 Dave? You Dave? 177 00:07:18,755 --> 00:07:20,180 -Dave? -What about us? 178 00:07:20,332 --> 00:07:23,108 You're actually here, so you don't matter. 179 00:07:26,004 --> 00:07:27,504 -[lively chatter] -♪ ♪ 180 00:07:27,597 --> 00:07:29,597 [Meg] A job can be more than a job, 181 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,508 if you love what you do. 182 00:07:31,526 --> 00:07:34,010 I am a lifeguard because I love flashing 183 00:07:34,103 --> 00:07:36,997 eye-level swimsuit crotch shots at families. 184 00:07:38,350 --> 00:07:40,183 I love checking the pH of the pool 185 00:07:40,185 --> 00:07:41,609 by gargling the water and seeing 186 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:43,536 how quickly it gives me a yeast infection. 187 00:07:43,630 --> 00:07:44,629 [thud] 188 00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:48,449 Okay, pH a little high here. 189 00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:50,785 I love having a special whistle that, when you blow it, 190 00:07:50,862 --> 00:07:54,288 it makes the sound of Ray Romano telling people to cut it out. 191 00:07:54,382 --> 00:07:56,049 [Ray Romano's voice] All right, guys, 192 00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:57,701 that's enough over there. 193 00:07:57,719 --> 00:08:00,645 [Meg] But what I love most about being a lifeguard? 194 00:08:00,797 --> 00:08:03,039 No more abuse from my family. 195 00:08:03,132 --> 00:08:05,466 In fact, no family at all. 196 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,878 It's just me, all day, every day. 197 00:08:08,972 --> 00:08:10,471 -[Peter] Hey, Meg! -Dad?! 198 00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:12,324 Great news. Since you work here, 199 00:08:12,475 --> 00:08:13,825 I got a discount on a season pass! 200 00:08:14,052 --> 00:08:16,161 I'll be here all day, every day. 201 00:08:16,388 --> 00:08:17,721 And don't worry, I won't set up my towel 202 00:08:17,739 --> 00:08:19,664 next to the breastfeeding moms. 203 00:08:21,743 --> 00:08:25,295 Don't forget to swap halfway through so you keep 'em even. 204 00:08:31,086 --> 00:08:34,495 Dad, you have no right to hang out in my workplace. 205 00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:36,181 Well, maybe your workplace should've thought of that 206 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,258 before they put an ad on my juice box. 207 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,019 I'm a lifeguard, you know. I could just throw you out. 208 00:08:41,170 --> 00:08:43,396 Aw, come on, Meg. Look, if you let me stay, 209 00:08:43,582 --> 00:08:45,506 we'll make one of those viral videos you love. 210 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,527 You know, where something seems real, but it's actually cake. 211 00:08:48,678 --> 00:08:50,529 Yo, yo, yo, I'm here with my daughter, Meg, 212 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:51,696 and her brother, Chris. 213 00:08:51,923 --> 00:08:53,106 Or am I? 214 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,774 Ow, Dad! Stop it! 215 00:08:54,943 --> 00:08:56,368 Wait, what happened to Cake Chris? 216 00:08:56,519 --> 00:08:59,496 All right, let's see what's happening on CakeHub. 217 00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,582 [sultry music playing] 218 00:09:04,061 --> 00:09:06,545 What a dirty little cake. 219 00:09:06,696 --> 00:09:08,880 Okay, plus, plus, you know "laugh and cry"? 220 00:09:09,032 --> 00:09:11,274 You know the-- in the song where Stewie says "laugh and cry"? 221 00:09:11,367 --> 00:09:13,367 Let me stay, Meg, and it's all yours. 222 00:09:13,461 --> 00:09:15,111 -You'd do that? -I will look into it. 223 00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:17,038 I will look into it very strongly. 224 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,782 [softly] ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 225 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,207 Okay, I guess so. 226 00:09:20,269 --> 00:09:22,619 But only if you promise to follow all the rules. 227 00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:23,544 Guys, we're in! 228 00:09:23,622 --> 00:09:24,563 -Hey, Meg. -Hey. 229 00:09:24,714 --> 00:09:27,640 Meg, I saw a sign about active diarrhea. 230 00:09:27,793 --> 00:09:30,318 What if it's very passive? 231 00:09:32,831 --> 00:09:34,221 [busy chatter] 232 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,648 What are we gonna do, Stewie?! 233 00:09:35,801 --> 00:09:36,724 These people came for coffee, 234 00:09:36,818 --> 00:09:37,909 and we have none to serve them! 235 00:09:38,136 --> 00:09:40,078 Dude, come on. Can I get some coffee or what? 236 00:09:40,229 --> 00:09:43,105 Uh, hang on. I think I hear our delivery guy in the back. 237 00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:46,142 What do you mean you don't have the coffee?! 238 00:09:46,235 --> 00:09:47,419 [as delivery guy] I-I know, I'm sorry, 239 00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:49,421 and-and for such a handsome guy, too. 240 00:09:49,648 --> 00:09:50,922 -You're so handsome. -[as himself] Okay, pal, 241 00:09:51,074 --> 00:09:52,816 you're not gonna compliment your way out of this one. 242 00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:54,834 [as delivery guy] Ah, geez, buddy, you look so tense. 243 00:09:54,911 --> 00:09:56,169 Let's get you out of that apron. 244 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,821 [as himself] Oh, come on, I'm at work. 245 00:09:57,839 --> 00:10:00,581 [as delivery guy] Oh, when is that body not working? 246 00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,584 Sorry, hang on, just got to deal with this stupid thing. 247 00:10:03,678 --> 00:10:04,677 Enough of this. 248 00:10:04,830 --> 00:10:06,253 Come on, other college students. 249 00:10:06,348 --> 00:10:07,847 Let's go sign up for a credit card 250 00:10:07,999 --> 00:10:09,624 that gives us a T-shirt! 251 00:10:09,626 --> 00:10:10,533 [indistinct chatter] 252 00:10:10,535 --> 00:10:11,501 Wait! Hang on! 253 00:10:11,594 --> 00:10:13,686 We got coffee for you right here. 254 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,263 Yep, the highest quality that you've come to expect 255 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,598 here at "Brew Ha Ha." 256 00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:19,433 I want to change our name to "Brew Ha Ha." 257 00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:21,736 You're a lifesaver. Where did you get that? 258 00:10:21,847 --> 00:10:24,197 I ran to the bodega next door and got some Folgers. 259 00:10:24,349 --> 00:10:26,774 What? We'll never get away with serving Folgers. 260 00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,127 Won't we? Look around, we're a hit. 261 00:10:29,278 --> 00:10:30,962 [indistinct chatter] 262 00:10:31,114 --> 00:10:33,539 And check it out, we're already a pretend small business 263 00:10:33,692 --> 00:10:34,858 in a Chase Bank ad. 264 00:10:34,876 --> 00:10:36,709 ♪ ♪ 265 00:10:36,862 --> 00:10:40,046 [Brian] These days, running a small business can be a big challenge. 266 00:10:40,215 --> 00:10:41,714 [Stewie] Whether we're receiving a flower delivery 267 00:10:41,867 --> 00:10:43,533 for unclear reasons... 268 00:10:43,535 --> 00:10:44,643 [Brain] Or raising the blinds 269 00:10:44,794 --> 00:10:47,053 and flipping over the "Open/Closed" sign, 270 00:10:47,205 --> 00:10:48,629 which is how I spend most of my work day... 271 00:10:48,723 --> 00:10:50,982 [Stewie] Or even making a latte for a Black woman, 272 00:10:51,209 --> 00:10:52,876 an iced tea for a white woman, 273 00:10:53,044 --> 00:10:54,669 and a coffee for a gently brown guy 274 00:10:54,671 --> 00:10:56,804 who could go in a lot of different directions... 275 00:10:56,898 --> 00:10:58,381 [Brian] We've got our hands full. 276 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,383 That's why Chase Bank is here for us. 277 00:11:00,476 --> 00:11:02,476 [Stewie] When this man in a suit from Chase Bank 278 00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:05,071 came down and shook my hand at my place of business, 279 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,556 it really solidified 280 00:11:06,649 --> 00:11:08,558 what we'd already talked about at his office. 281 00:11:08,651 --> 00:11:10,076 [Brian] Now we're looking at a laptop, 282 00:11:10,228 --> 00:11:11,728 like my stupid little coffee shop 283 00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:14,005 is gonna be a big disruptor in the online space. 284 00:11:14,157 --> 00:11:15,507 [Stewie] And my Chase business card 285 00:11:15,658 --> 00:11:17,567 allows me to make those emergency purchases 286 00:11:17,585 --> 00:11:19,052 that I'll lose sleep at night over. 287 00:11:19,162 --> 00:11:20,494 [Brian] Chase understands my business 288 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,514 the way they understand all businesses, 289 00:11:22,665 --> 00:11:24,182 as a huge reverse funnel 290 00:11:24,409 --> 00:11:26,409 that shoves money upwards to them. 291 00:11:26,428 --> 00:11:28,411 [Stewie] Hey, another flower delivery. 292 00:11:28,430 --> 00:11:29,746 These'll look great in the bathroom, 293 00:11:29,764 --> 00:11:31,614 while I'm pooping blood from the stress. 294 00:11:31,674 --> 00:11:32,840 [Brian] Now I'm flipping over that 295 00:11:32,934 --> 00:11:34,341 "Open/Closed" sign again. 296 00:11:34,436 --> 00:11:36,753 Is that a new stadium with Chase's name on it? 297 00:11:36,846 --> 00:11:38,012 How'd they afford that? 298 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,939 [Stewie] I'll be in this bathroom for a while. 299 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,107 Better toss it to the announcer. 300 00:11:41,259 --> 00:11:42,258 [announcer] At Chase Bank, 301 00:11:42,277 --> 00:11:43,651 we're about more than just 302 00:11:43,762 --> 00:11:46,262 foreclosing on American servicemen while overseas. 303 00:11:46,281 --> 00:11:48,097 We're about small business. 304 00:11:48,116 --> 00:11:49,282 So when you think of Chase, 305 00:11:49,434 --> 00:11:51,692 don't think of the 2008 financial crash, 306 00:11:51,712 --> 00:11:54,287 think of your local, sympathetic small business. 307 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,772 Flower delivery. 308 00:11:55,865 --> 00:11:58,216 [Stewie] Yeah, guys, we're good on flowers for a while. 309 00:11:58,443 --> 00:12:00,460 Well, that's great, but it doesn't change the fact that 310 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,554 we're passing Folgers off as real coffee. 311 00:12:02,705 --> 00:12:04,964 Isn't someone going to know the taste of Folgers? 312 00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:06,466 Relax, Stewie. The only person 313 00:12:06,618 --> 00:12:08,560 who could possibly know the taste of Folgers 314 00:12:08,787 --> 00:12:11,304 would be an older white man who works in public education. 315 00:12:11,380 --> 00:12:13,973 I would like a cup of coffee, please. 316 00:12:14,125 --> 00:12:15,549 Oh... 317 00:12:15,643 --> 00:12:17,051 [studio audience laughs] 318 00:12:17,145 --> 00:12:20,029 [woman speaking Japanese] 319 00:12:23,893 --> 00:12:25,034 [laughing] 320 00:12:26,729 --> 00:12:29,396 Dad, you promised you'd follow all the rules. 321 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,398 I told you, no horseplay. 322 00:12:31,493 --> 00:12:34,085 [laughs] We're having big wrassle-fights 323 00:12:34,237 --> 00:12:36,946 a'cause it's the only way we know how to express affection. 324 00:12:36,948 --> 00:12:38,982 -Gonna get you, Peter. -Me, too. 325 00:12:39,075 --> 00:12:40,149 And not because I love you 326 00:12:40,318 --> 00:12:41,985 and I don't have the words to say it. 327 00:12:42,003 --> 00:12:43,244 I'm just having normal fun 328 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:44,654 without all that mess. 329 00:12:44,747 --> 00:12:46,339 Okay, guys, out of the pool. 330 00:12:46,491 --> 00:12:47,991 I gave you a chance, and you blew it. 331 00:12:48,159 --> 00:12:49,675 You're kicked out of the park. 332 00:12:49,828 --> 00:12:51,603 -What? -Go home. 333 00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:52,771 I'm kicking you out. 334 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,330 Gotta catch me first. 335 00:12:54,349 --> 00:12:56,257 Just try to get me out of the deep end 336 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,360 with these long-legged, short-torsoed giants. 337 00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:02,113 Dad! 338 00:13:04,192 --> 00:13:06,526 Oh, my God, he's not breathing. 339 00:13:06,678 --> 00:13:09,012 ♪ ♪ 340 00:13:09,030 --> 00:13:11,790 Okay, guys. Come on now. 341 00:13:12,017 --> 00:13:13,416 Please breathe, Dad. 342 00:13:26,881 --> 00:13:29,866 -Hey. -Hey. 343 00:13:29,884 --> 00:13:33,036 Your mouth was... on my mouth. 344 00:13:33,129 --> 00:13:34,795 Uh, I think. 345 00:13:34,889 --> 00:13:37,148 Maybe a little. Yeah. 346 00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:39,392 My God, Peter. That's your daughter. 347 00:13:39,544 --> 00:13:40,877 Adopted daughter? 348 00:13:40,895 --> 00:13:42,654 No, Woody, just-just regular daughter. 349 00:13:42,805 --> 00:13:45,156 Oh, ye-yeah, then ew, that's-that's wrong, ew. 350 00:13:49,721 --> 00:13:51,120 ♪ ♪ 351 00:13:51,981 --> 00:13:54,982 Okay, so... our mouths were... 352 00:13:55,076 --> 00:13:56,668 totally touching each other. 353 00:13:56,819 --> 00:13:58,227 Y-Yes. 354 00:13:58,321 --> 00:13:59,504 But that's okay. That's okay. 355 00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,731 'Cause you were saving my life, so it's not weird. 356 00:14:01,749 --> 00:14:02,915 Right, it's not w-- 357 00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,843 It's the opposite of weird. 358 00:14:04,994 --> 00:14:06,402 Yeah, the opposite. Right, yeah. 359 00:14:06,421 --> 00:14:08,588 And, anyway, we can just say this never happened, right? 360 00:14:08,664 --> 00:14:09,830 'Cause nobody even saw us. 361 00:14:09,850 --> 00:14:12,333 [laughing] 362 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:14,001 Ooh, they're all distracted. 363 00:14:14,095 --> 00:14:16,521 Other urban kids, this is our chance. 364 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,027 ♪ ♪ 365 00:14:24,255 --> 00:14:25,346 Stewie, what are we gonna do? 366 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,848 If we serve coffee to Principal Shepherd, 367 00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:29,367 he's gonna recognize that it's Folgers. 368 00:14:29,518 --> 00:14:30,702 I say we wait him out. 369 00:14:30,929 --> 00:14:33,779 Any middle-aged white man can be ignored indefinitely, 370 00:14:33,932 --> 00:14:35,540 unless he clears his throat. 371 00:14:35,691 --> 00:14:36,857 [clears throat] 372 00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,101 Welp, we're out of moves. 373 00:14:38,194 --> 00:14:39,936 Um, hi. How may I help you? 374 00:14:39,954 --> 00:14:41,880 I would like a cup of coffee. 375 00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:45,174 Y-Yes, sir. Uh, coming right up. 376 00:14:47,462 --> 00:14:49,554 ♪ ♪ 377 00:15:10,135 --> 00:15:13,394 Wait a minute, this is Folgers instant coffee. 378 00:15:13,488 --> 00:15:14,895 [crowd exclaims] 379 00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,989 I would know, we served it at my wedding. 380 00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:18,399 Yes, everyone, we admit it. 381 00:15:18,493 --> 00:15:20,643 We didn't have our normal coffee beans on hand, 382 00:15:20,736 --> 00:15:22,754 and so we've been serving you the cheap stuff. 383 00:15:22,981 --> 00:15:24,672 You're all drinking Folgers. 384 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,759 That's awesome. 385 00:15:27,986 --> 00:15:29,427 It... it is? 386 00:15:29,612 --> 00:15:30,911 Heck yeah, man. 387 00:15:30,931 --> 00:15:33,080 We're, like, paying way a lot of our parents' money 388 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,766 for our parents' own cheap coffee? 389 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,659 That's kind of meta. 390 00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:38,344 Like, seriously alt and iro. 391 00:15:38,421 --> 00:15:40,163 [crowd murmurs in agreement] 392 00:15:40,181 --> 00:15:42,665 Well, that went different from how I expected. 393 00:15:42,684 --> 00:15:45,276 Yup, kids these days are pretty forgiving and tolerant. 394 00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:47,946 This dog and baby are banned from society forever 395 00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:49,355 'cause of an Internet thing. 396 00:15:49,524 --> 00:15:52,692 One of them keeps trying to slide into AOC's DMs. 397 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:55,027 -Brian? -She's hot, 398 00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:56,788 but we're supposed to pretend she's not. 399 00:15:56,864 --> 00:15:58,514 Well, who's that red lipstick for? 400 00:15:58,607 --> 00:16:00,500 [crowd boos] 401 00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:03,294 I guess the coffee shop's available. 402 00:16:03,521 --> 00:16:04,796 Roast Busters. 403 00:16:05,023 --> 00:16:06,555 Good luck. 404 00:16:06,557 --> 00:16:09,324 ♪ ♪ 405 00:16:10,361 --> 00:16:12,211 Oh, back from the water park, you two? 406 00:16:12,363 --> 00:16:13,863 Anything unusual happen? 407 00:16:14,032 --> 00:16:15,531 Yeah. No. I mean, 408 00:16:15,550 --> 00:16:18,142 I did mouth-to-mouth on this one guy, 409 00:16:18,294 --> 00:16:21,295 but he was, like, way not blood-related. 410 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:24,207 Okay. Guess I'll just watch the news. 411 00:16:24,225 --> 00:16:26,242 Our top story, creepy lip-lock 412 00:16:26,244 --> 00:16:28,377 saves a life at Quahog water park. 413 00:16:28,546 --> 00:16:30,713 Local man Peter Griffin was revived by 414 00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:33,549 a game of tonsil-hockey with lifeguard Meg Griffin, 415 00:16:33,642 --> 00:16:35,809 who-- I'm placing my hand over my ear 416 00:16:35,887 --> 00:16:37,553 and pretending to get new information-- 417 00:16:37,572 --> 00:16:38,904 is his own daughter? 418 00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:41,148 Babe, it's not what you think. 419 00:16:41,242 --> 00:16:42,667 Yeah, I was just saving his life. 420 00:16:42,744 --> 00:16:44,393 He means nothing to me. 421 00:16:44,412 --> 00:16:46,320 I want to believe that, Meg. 422 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:48,172 But look what people are saying on Facebook. 423 00:16:48,324 --> 00:16:50,341 "This is wrong," Bonnie Swanson. 424 00:16:50,418 --> 00:16:52,659 "So not okay," Donna Brown. 425 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,828 "Russia USA number one support," 426 00:16:54,922 --> 00:16:57,181 woman's face with Getty Image watermark. 427 00:16:57,258 --> 00:16:59,183 Our family is a laughing stock. 428 00:16:59,260 --> 00:17:00,743 Why are you being like this? 429 00:17:00,762 --> 00:17:02,411 I was just doing my job. 430 00:17:02,505 --> 00:17:06,082 I know, but I'm sorry, it-it's just weird. 431 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,674 I feel humiliated. 432 00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:08,934 If you'll excuse me, 433 00:17:09,087 --> 00:17:10,361 I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette alone, 434 00:17:10,588 --> 00:17:11,587 which is how TV depicts 435 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:14,532 a woman at her lowest point emotionally. 436 00:17:14,759 --> 00:17:15,775 This is insane. 437 00:17:15,927 --> 00:17:17,351 Yeah, when are people gonna grow up? 438 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,780 ♪ Peter and Megan, sitting in a tree ♪ 439 00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:24,283 ♪ K-I-S-S... ♪ 440 00:17:24,452 --> 00:17:26,026 Oh... 441 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:28,604 ♪ E... N-G. ♪ 442 00:17:28,623 --> 00:17:31,198 -[bell rings] -[announcer] And Chris Griffin is eliminated, 443 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,793 which means Boopresh Armiteg will repeat as 444 00:17:33,945 --> 00:17:35,219 National Spelling Champion. 445 00:17:35,371 --> 00:17:38,297 Congrats to his always-frowning Indian parents 446 00:17:38,449 --> 00:17:40,449 joylessly clapping in the audience. 447 00:17:40,584 --> 00:17:42,451 [applause] 448 00:17:42,545 --> 00:17:45,229 ♪ ♪ 449 00:17:45,456 --> 00:17:46,806 Guys, we called this meeting 450 00:17:46,958 --> 00:17:49,458 because there are a lot of hurtful rumors swirling around, 451 00:17:49,477 --> 00:17:51,235 -and we have something to say to you. -That's right. 452 00:17:51,462 --> 00:17:53,071 -You guys are being stupid. -Meg and I are in love. 453 00:17:53,222 --> 00:17:54,721 What? No, Dad, 454 00:17:54,816 --> 00:17:56,299 we're telling them that they're idiots 455 00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:57,967 -and to cut it out. -Right, I-- 456 00:17:57,985 --> 00:17:59,744 That's what I meant, I-I'm all confused. 457 00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:01,487 I-I'm not in love with Meg, I-I ju-- 458 00:18:01,639 --> 00:18:03,639 I need to return a ring to Zales. 459 00:18:03,658 --> 00:18:04,665 [crying] 460 00:18:06,661 --> 00:18:07,752 [both gasp] 461 00:18:08,980 --> 00:18:10,813 Oh, my God, your father's not breathing. 462 00:18:10,832 --> 00:18:12,665 Meg, you have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 463 00:18:12,817 --> 00:18:15,075 Me? You do it. You're his wife. 464 00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:17,320 I need at least four beers to get there, Meg. 465 00:18:17,322 --> 00:18:19,597 Besides, you're the only one who knows how. 466 00:18:19,748 --> 00:18:21,582 No way, I already did it once, 467 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:22,842 and it made my life hell. 468 00:18:22,994 --> 00:18:25,344 Meg, please. This is our father! 469 00:18:25,496 --> 00:18:26,662 Probably. 470 00:18:26,755 --> 00:18:27,939 What's that supposed to mean? 471 00:18:28,090 --> 00:18:29,440 We've all heard stories of 472 00:18:29,592 --> 00:18:31,592 your time on the Hoobastank tour bus. 473 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,445 Meg, your father is dying and he needs you, 474 00:18:34,597 --> 00:18:36,781 and I am not going to sit here and apologize for 475 00:18:36,858 --> 00:18:38,265 what I may or may not have done 476 00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:39,842 with the Hoobastank bassist. 477 00:18:39,861 --> 00:18:41,285 "Hoobastank bassist"? 478 00:18:41,437 --> 00:18:43,103 You don't even know the guy's name. 479 00:18:43,197 --> 00:18:44,697 They've had like five bass players, 480 00:18:44,849 --> 00:18:47,458 and, anyway, it's not like I was writing down names. 481 00:18:47,610 --> 00:18:49,001 [Peter gasps] 482 00:18:51,113 --> 00:18:52,279 What's the big deal? 483 00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,039 You stick your tongue down Dad's throat. 484 00:18:54,134 --> 00:18:55,782 Most natural thing in the world. 485 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,117 Where the hell have you been? 486 00:18:57,211 --> 00:18:58,952 Brian and I did a coffee house thing, I don't know. 487 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:01,097 [cell phone rings] 488 00:19:03,217 --> 00:19:05,868 I have to take this. Hey, you. 489 00:19:05,887 --> 00:19:09,038 Listen, Meg. I'm glad you saved my life at the pool. 490 00:19:09,056 --> 00:19:11,390 But I'm sorry I came there in the first place. 491 00:19:11,559 --> 00:19:13,559 Everyone deserves a place of their own, 492 00:19:13,711 --> 00:19:14,986 and I get that now. 493 00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:17,321 I promise I'll treat you better in the future. 494 00:19:17,473 --> 00:19:19,806 You know, we've had conversations like this 495 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:23,810 again and again, and nothing ever changes. 496 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,739 You're a terrible father, and I'm counting the days 497 00:19:26,891 --> 00:19:28,148 till I move out of this house. 498 00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:30,576 Okay, but what if, in the spirit of inclusion, 499 00:19:30,728 --> 00:19:33,462 I tell you "I love you" in sign language? 500 00:19:38,736 --> 00:19:41,662 Oh, I love you too, Dad. 501 00:19:41,830 --> 00:19:43,330 [Peter] But this never happened 502 00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,832 because no one resuscitated me. 503 00:19:45,927 --> 00:19:47,334 I did wake up eventually, 504 00:19:47,544 --> 00:19:50,246 but now I need help feeding and bathing myself. 505 00:19:50,264 --> 00:19:52,673 I spend most of my days getting walked around 506 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,750 by a nurse who talks to her sister on her phone. 507 00:19:54,769 --> 00:19:57,253 [nurse] Whoa, hold up. Mom gave you the necklace? 508 00:19:57,422 --> 00:19:58,613 [Peter] That's her now. 509 00:20:03,277 --> 00:20:04,685 ♪ ♪ 510 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:05,778 Well, Meg, I gotta say, 511 00:20:05,930 --> 00:20:06,853 I'm proud of you for going to 512 00:20:06,948 --> 00:20:08,206 that water park each day 513 00:20:08,315 --> 00:20:09,615 and working a job that you love. 514 00:20:09,767 --> 00:20:11,042 Oh, I quit that place. 515 00:20:11,193 --> 00:20:12,693 -What? -Yeah, the weather turned 516 00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,861 two degrees cooler than I like, so I just bailed. 517 00:20:15,030 --> 00:20:17,197 That's the girl I raised. 518 00:20:17,291 --> 00:20:20,051 Yay, our generation folds at nothing. 519 00:20:20,202 --> 00:20:22,386 And, Stewie, I'm sorry our coffee house didn't work out. 520 00:20:22,538 --> 00:20:24,371 I wonder how Principal Shepherd's doing with it. 521 00:20:24,465 --> 00:20:27,207 Eh, I hear he's going with a "teachers' lounge" theme. 522 00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:28,784 Your entire pastry case 523 00:20:28,803 --> 00:20:31,787 is just Tupperware with people's names written in Sharpie. 524 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,048 Don't forget this sad box of donuts cut into quarters. 525 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:37,309 Everyone, let's all talk about things 526 00:20:37,478 --> 00:20:39,320 that parents have told us in confidence. 527 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,650 [announcer] It's kind of like Abbott Elementary, 528 00:20:44,727 --> 00:20:46,969 which is amazing. Amazing! 529 00:20:47,138 --> 00:20:49,622 You gotta watch it. Oh, my God!