1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
2
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
5
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
6
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things that make us ♪
7
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
8
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071
♪ He's a family guy ♪
9
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,288
Son of a bitch.
10
00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:39,456
{\an8}What's wrong, Peter?
11
00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,833
{\an8}Eh, our IT guy told me today
that, apparently,
12
00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,419
{\an8}I've had a work email address
ever since I started there.
13
00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:47,589
{\an8}So now I gotta slog through
17,000 messages.
14
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:50,300
{\an8}Aw, crap, we didn't have to
come in on 9/11?
15
00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,886
{\an8}I never even liked working
at that stupid brewery.
16
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,305
Hardly my dream job,
I'll tell you that much.
17
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,432
{\an8}Now there's an interesting question.
18
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,392
{\an8}What would be your dream job?
19
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:01,436
{\an8}Dream job? Oh, that's easy.
20
00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:02,562
{\an8}Ever since I was a kid,
21
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:05,648
{\an8}I always pictured myself
being an international spy.
22
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:17,452
{\an8}So, beautiful, which lamp did you unplug
to charge your phone in the room?
23
00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:18,578
{\an8}Mine's in the bathroom.
24
00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,623
You know,
I never caught your name.
25
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:24,959
{\an8}The name is Band. Lap Band.
26
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,173
{\an8}Careful. Here come the bad guys
27
00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:33,510
{\an8}from whatever country won't offend
American or Chinese audiences.
28
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:38,765
You have dishonored
the people of Finland, Mr. Band.
29
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,683
{\an8}Shoot him, fellow tall introverts.
30
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:03,915
{\an8}Yep. All definitely me.
Whoosh! Zoom! Ski noise!
31
00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:16,594
♪ O-- O-- Ozempic ♪
32
00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:19,013
{\an8}I-- They threw a ton of money at us.
We couldn't say no.
33
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:34,070
All right. Hey, I wonder
who they got to do the song.
34
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:36,239
Blech.
35
00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:38,616
♪ When you're a spy ♪
36
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:43,454
♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪
37
00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:46,166
♪ You look high and low ♪
38
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:50,003
♪ You never know what you'll find ♪
39
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,130
♪ Spy life ♪
40
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:54,966
Mercifully brief.
41
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,764
{\an8}Good morning, Agent 555.
42
00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:04,893
{\an8}Ugh, right. 'Cause this is a number
on a television show.
43
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:08,146
{\an8}I say, you look as bewitching as ever,
Miss Takeapenny.
44
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:12,692
{\an8}Oh, didn't you hear? I got married.
I'm now Miss Takeapenny-Leaveapenny.
45
00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,194
{\an8}Wow. Lucky gentleman.
46
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,779
{\an8}Because he gets to plow you,
is what I mean.
47
00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:18,364
{\an8}So debonair.
48
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:21,117
{\an8}You know, now that I'm married,
I'm actually leaving.
49
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:23,286
{\an8}I'm training my replacement Todd.
50
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:25,121
{\an8}A male secretary?
51
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:28,666
Well, I suppose I'll just
have to adapt and harass him now.
52
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:30,793
Nice penis, Todd.
53
00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:32,295
Oh, Mr. Band.
54
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:35,840
Okay, good. He knows how to play along.
Yeah, this is-- This will work.
55
00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:41,095
I understand you have a mission for me, M,
which I can only assume stands for "Man."
56
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,265
{\an8}Good morning, Mr. Band.
57
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:47,727
Whoa. My boss is the new Little Mermaid
I'm so mad about.
58
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:52,815
Mr. Band, we have reports of a plan
to intercept a European nuclear device
59
00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:55,944
by the villainous mastermind Blofella.
60
00:03:55,944 --> 00:04:01,783
{\an8}Got it, M. Or is it maybe M-H-M,
and-and you pronounce it, "Mm-hmm."
61
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,117
{\an8}M is fine.
62
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:06,537
{\an8}Okay, yeah. No-- I-- Times have changed
and I-- I gotta-- I need to catch up.
63
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:15,880
Oh. Hey, Q.
64
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,131
Hey, have you seen who M is?
65
00:04:17,131 --> 00:04:18,967
Which I totally support by the way.
66
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,177
In fact, it was my idea,
and I fought for it.
67
00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:22,762
- You should have heard me.
- Okay.
68
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,848
Just let me show you the cutting-edge
equipment you'll need for your mission.
69
00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:29,519
First, I have this fridge
that displays today's headlines.
70
00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:32,105
Did-- Did you just go to Best Buy?
71
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:36,401
No. I also have these headphones
that block out ambient plane noise.
72
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,027
Yeah, you ju-- you just went to Best Buy.
73
00:04:38,027 --> 00:04:39,279
I did not.
74
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,446
So, where am I headed?
75
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:43,825
We're expecting Blofella to attempt
to intercept the bomb in Belgium.
76
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:44,909
Oh. Awesome.
77
00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:47,870
That's the country where they basically
have dessert for breakfast, right?
78
00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:52,292
Agent Triple-Five, I cannot stress enough,
no dessert for breakfast.
79
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:07,640
Greetings, Mr. Band.
On behalf of Belgian Secret Services.
80
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:11,561
Oh, hey. I'd shake your hand,
but my arm is syrup-glued to the table.
81
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:14,480
The name is Alice. Alice Boobs.
82
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,525
That works in two ways.
83
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:19,193
No, it's-- it's really just one.
84
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,659
Our intelligence has revealed
that the bomb transfer
85
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:29,996
is to take place in this warehouse
for generic wooden crates.
86
00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,009
What? It's very loud.
87
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,349
We're getting none of this.
88
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:53,353
If we can't hear him, he can't hear us
saying we can't hear him.
89
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,645
What a mess.
90
00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:58,274
Gavin. Gavin, turn off--
Turn the helicopter off.
91
00:05:58,274 --> 00:06:01,694
I-- I was going to say,
"Sorry to drop in on your party."
92
00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:03,780
But, ugh, feels stupid now.
93
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,114
Get 'em, boys.
94
00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:08,701
So that's it, Blofella? You-you're just
gonna have us killed by your henchmen?
95
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:12,997
Oh, okay. I'd rather you not use that
word. They are independent contractors.
96
00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:14,791
He doesn't want to pay us benefits.
97
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:19,212
There is an app they log into when they
want to work around their schedule.
98
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,006
I am not their employer.
The app is their employer.
99
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,135
Goodbye, Mr. Band.
100
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,066
It wasn't looking good,
101
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,027
but thankfully Q had supplied me with
102
00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,781
Captain America's shield.
103
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:47,990
What? Wait, no, no.
104
00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:50,493
You can't just become
a Marvel character halfway through.
105
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:54,622
Also, we usually see all the stuff
Q gives you at the beginning.
106
00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:57,083
This feels very unearned.
107
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,919
Belgian intelligence learned that
Blofella's plan
108
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,213
was to use the nuclear device
he'd intercepted
109
00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:04,382
to blow up the city of Las Vegas.
110
00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:07,218
But that wasn't the only emergency
I was dealing with.
111
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:10,054
Yeah, you said everyone in Vegas
wears tuxedos,
112
00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:12,557
and I'm starting to feel
pretty self-conscious.
113
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:16,561
Uh. I didn't say, "Definitely."
I said, "It was my understanding."
114
00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:19,063
Agent Triple-Five. Look!
115
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:24,485
Blofella. Not on my watch.
116
00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,919
I-- I can't find my way out.
117
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,922
Okay. Well, that says
breakfast buffet that way,
118
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,924
but I'm pretty sure we've seen it twice.
119
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:48,593
Ugh.
120
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:53,431
And here we are again
at North Suite Elevators.
121
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,515
I don't know. Should we--
122
00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:56,642
Should we just hit the slot machines
while we're here?
123
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,102
No! That's why they do this!
124
00:07:58,102 --> 00:08:00,646
No, no, no. Yeah, no, I get all that. I--
And I hate to hold things up,
125
00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,649
but, I mean, Santana is in his 70s.
126
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,319
We should probably see him
while we still can.
127
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,241
I knew one song.
128
00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:15,453
Son of a bitch!
129
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,669
There we are. Assembly complete.
130
00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:26,005
So, again, this would be
an appropriate time
131
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,090
for you all to please log out of the app.
132
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,092
Ha! I got you now.
133
00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:33,971
Mr. Band, how did you find me?
134
00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:36,849
Honestly, I'm on a guided tour
for the movie, The Hangover,
135
00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:37,975
which ends on the roof.
136
00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:39,352
Fun fact, gang.
137
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:43,189
It was actually Zach's idea
to put the sunglasses on the baby.
138
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,025
Okay, I see everyone staring
at the Mandalay Bay,
139
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,945
so I'll go ahead and tell you
which window was the shooter's.
140
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,196
Well, you're too late.
141
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,866
In a few moments, all of Las Vegas
will be totally wiped off the map.
142
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:58,162
You're a madman. Why are you doing this?
143
00:08:58,162 --> 00:09:01,040
I need to get out of a very restrictive
time-share deal,
144
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,042
and this is literally the only way out.
145
00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:12,260
There was no time.
146
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,471
So that's when I pulled out
Kylo Ren's lightsaber
147
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:18,182
and knocked Blofella off the roof.
No!
148
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:19,850
No! No, no, no.
That's cheating.
149
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:23,312
Yeah. Also, you got a lightsaber,
and you're just gonna push a guy?
150
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:29,986
Oh, Triple-Five. You saved my life.
Make love to me right now.
151
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,405
I'm sorry, Alice. I can't. I'm gay.
152
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:35,241
New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.
153
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,710
Well, that was awesome hearing
about your dream job, Peter.
154
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,671
But I was actually lucky enough
to have my dream job.
155
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,089
At least until I lost it.
156
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,008
It all started years ago.
157
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,468
{\an8}It was the 1980s,
158
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:57,847
{\an8}and I was living alone in
a studio apartment with an askew poster
159
00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,266
because bachelors
never hang their posters straight.
160
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,851
Yeah, no offense, Quagmire.
161
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:04,854
But I'm gonna listen to this story
the same way I do most podcasts,
162
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,106
at 1.5 speed.
163
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:10,109
I put on some weight from being
in an abusive relationship with a woman:
164
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,028
Mama Celeste.
165
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,863
All right, okay.
Back-back to normal speed.
166
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,281
I'm in. I'm hooked.
167
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:19,452
The other thing about living
in the '80s is that, wherever you went,
168
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,204
the actual Pointer Sisters
would follow you around singing.
169
00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:27,251
♪ Glenn
You know this man just mailed a bill ♪
170
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,337
♪ To Sprint
It's for his phone ♪
171
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:31,380
♪ A landline phone ♪
172
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,966
I knew I needed to get
in shape.
173
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:37,720
But the only forms of exercise in the '80s
were roller-skating on a dance floor
174
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,057
or lugging around your dead boss
to use his vacation home.
175
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:43,976
Back then, there were two things I liked:
176
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,394
gyrating my pelvis
177
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:48,689
and putting vowels next to each other
that weren't normally next to each other.
178
00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:51,484
I combined those two loves
to create something called aerobics.
179
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:53,736
Welcome aboard.
180
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,489
Here's your complimentary headband,
two wristbands,
181
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,949
waistband, thigh band, another headband.
182
00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:00,493
There were a lot of bands.
183
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,079
Yeah, my finger's hovering
over that 1.5 button.
184
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,665
Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
So I started teaching classes
185
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,749
that same week.
186
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,627
I even created an advanced class
based on how your body moves during sex.
187
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,130
I called it "Sexercise."
188
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:20,763
And things took off immediately.
189
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:24,308
Because I gave 1980s women
exactly what they wanted.
190
00:11:24,308 --> 00:11:26,018
Long flat butts.
191
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,312
Come on, ladies. Longer. Flatter.
192
00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:32,608
My workout program was a hit.
And soon I was ready to take it national.
193
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,527
I was lucky enough
to get the chance to announce
194
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,821
the filming of my video
on The Tonight Show with Johnny.
195
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,198
Wow! You met Johnny Carson?
196
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,617
Actually, that particular
night, there was a guest host,
197
00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:43,869
John Davidson, star of That's Incredible!
198
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,038
So, you know, different Johnny.
But still Johnny.
199
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,708
No one has ever called
John Davidson "Johnny."
200
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,335
He guest-hosted 87 times.
That's not nothing.
201
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:55,798
Anyway, the night's first guest
was Jane Fonda, who was promoting 9 to 5,
202
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:58,426
by far the "blousiest" movie of the 1980s.
203
00:11:58,426 --> 00:11:59,969
So, Glenn Quagmire.
204
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:03,931
Says here you created
an exercise craze called aerobics.
205
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,391
What inspired that?
206
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,226
Well, Johnny.
207
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,979
One day, as I did jumping jacks alone
in my apartment,
208
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:13,899
I thought, "How can I take the worst parts
of this and put it in a public setting,
209
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:16,777
plus a wall of mirrors
and street-facing windows?"
210
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,571
The interview seemed to
go great.
211
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,825
But the next day, I realized
how truly ruthless Jane Fonda was.
212
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,038
Now, Mr. Quagmire.
213
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:30,833
An important part
of releasing a 1980s video
214
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:34,044
is the incredibly depressing
production logo it opens with.
215
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:35,796
I have a few here to choose from.
216
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:40,176
First, is some vibrating rainbow
text that never quite comes into focus.
217
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,264
Uh-huh, love that.
218
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:49,685
This one is just a large bouncing V
with an ominous keyboard noise.
219
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:54,982
Also excellent.
220
00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:57,151
Or here's three capital letters
221
00:12:57,151 --> 00:13:01,989
all spelled with one thick,
continuous line atop a digital horizon.
222
00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,537
Wow, you can't miss.
Let's go with all three.
223
00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:11,749
Wait a minute. What's-- What's going on?
224
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:12,833
Where are my leg warmers?
225
00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,752
Back then, leg warmers were essential,
226
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:18,297
because that was by far
the coldest decade from the knee down.
227
00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,216
Did someone take my leg warmers?
228
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:23,803
In place of my leg warmers,
I found only a single note.
229
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:30,059
At first, I assumed
Jodie Foster had stolen my leg warmers,
230
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,436
and I was about to go
take it out on the president.
231
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:36,649
But then I realized it could only have
been one person intent on sabotaging me,
232
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,400
Jane Fonda.
233
00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:41,487
I tried my best to soldier on.
234
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,906
Okay, don't look at my legs.
And one! And two!
235
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:45,199
My calves are tiny and cold.
236
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:46,659
And three! And four!
237
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,079
But I knew, even in the moment,
it was gonna be a disaster.
238
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,757
I never stood a chance.
239
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,888
Hello, Glenn.
240
00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:09,139
Sorry you failed.
241
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:12,977
But... [chuckles] ...like they say,
all's fair in love and aerobics.
242
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,937
Who? Who says that? Nobody.
243
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,731
God, now I get why
everyone's racist uncle hates you.
244
00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:21,193
Well, it's been nice chatting
but if you'll excuse me,
245
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,611
I have to go lobby our nation
246
00:14:22,611 --> 00:14:25,155
about cleaning up the mess
we made in Vietnam.
247
00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:27,116
Sorry,
I went ahead and hit the 8x.
248
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:30,202
No, you-- you-- you did the--
you did the right thing, Peter.
249
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:49,346
Well, as far as dream jobs go,
mine's always been to do what you do, Joe.
250
00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:50,431
To be a cop.
251
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,474
But, you know, one day short of retirement
252
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,768
since y'all got such
a nice benefits package.
253
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:58,856
Uh. Well, my dream job
is to do pretty much what I do now
254
00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:00,983
but be like a loose-cannon-type cop
255
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,445
who doesn't care whether
he lives or dies but can definitely walk.
256
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,784
It was my last day on the job.
257
00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:14,914
And I'd just taken my last office dump
when I was called into the chief's office.
258
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,458
Morning, sir. You wanted to see me?
259
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,336
That's right. We've been tracking
a notorious drug cartel
260
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:22,671
that's been bringing
tons of cocaine into LA.
261
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:26,508
Yes. Cocaine has been ravaging
the Black community for years.
262
00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:29,011
Yeah. Well, some white girl
got a minor nosebleed.
263
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,388
So now I guess it's,
like, a big fricking deal.
264
00:15:31,388 --> 00:15:33,599
In fact, last night there was a huge bust.
265
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,392
Wow. How much was it?
266
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:39,647
And remember we measure cocaine--
and nothing else-- in only kilos.
267
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,982
- I don't know, 80 pounds.
- Huh?
268
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:43,442
Like 36 kilos.
269
00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:44,693
Oh, my God!
270
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:46,278
That's too much kilos.
271
00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,447
Oh, I'm also assigning you a new partner.
272
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:52,076
But don't worry, I know you're nearing
retirement and want a stable situation.
273
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,828
So I'm hooking you up
with a guy named Sergeant Maniac.
274
00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:57,539
How you doing? I'm a crazy wild card
275
00:15:57,539 --> 00:16:01,085
as indicated
by my only-right-now timely mullet.
276
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,169
Hmm.
277
00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,213
You ain't dressed like a police detective.
278
00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,840
Well, I know we're gonna be running around
chasing bad guys,
279
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,093
so I wore the tightest jeans I own.
280
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,053
Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
281
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,806
Hey, why don't you come on out
to my beachside trailer
282
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,891
to, uh, discuss the case?
283
00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:17,393
Sure. Where is it?
284
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,895
Uh. Not in Malibu. They wouldn't allow it.
285
00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:22,481
But one of those garbage beaches
further north,
286
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:26,026
way past Moonshadows, which is, like,
the perfect place to get drunk
287
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:29,530
and tell everybody who's responsible
for all the world's wars.
288
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:36,787
I soon realized
my new partner had serious issues.
289
00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:39,623
{\an8}He didn't care what kind
of dangerous stuff he did.
290
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:41,750
{\an8}Hello.
291
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:45,379
{\an8}You're calling
from credit card services? Great.
292
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,214
{\an8}I'll tell you my social security number,
293
00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:49,383
{\an8}and you tell me
if it matches what you have there.
294
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,760
Man is insane.
295
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,847
{\an8}Okay. And now don't laugh
at my mother's maiden name.
296
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,724
{\an8}It's kind of a goofy one.
297
00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:57,891
{\an8}Tinkleman.
298
00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:00,728
{\an8}Yeah, it's like-- like pee.
299
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,813
{\an8}I thought we were gonna discuss the case.
300
00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,314
{\an8}Right. I'll be ready in one minute.
301
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:08,152
{\an8}But first, I've been asked to make sure
women come see the movie too.
302
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,745
So my crazy partner and I
set out to solve the case
303
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:19,788
and began by looking for Leeds,
304
00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,041
which was a somewhat
popular mattress store
305
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,959
where if you said
you were a potential customer,
306
00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,545
they'd let you take a nap
in the middle of the day.
307
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:29,840
Sorry, guys,
my manager says you have to leave.
308
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:33,302
Leave? But my partner and I
are trying out this queen bed.
309
00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:35,888
What are you giggling at?
310
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,806
We're partners on the police force.
311
00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:40,267
This guy's wearing jeans
with no underwear.
312
00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,435
Yeah, you're cops.
313
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,686
Sure.
314
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,941
You guys are no closer to figuring out
315
00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:50,402
who's responsible
for bringing in all this cocaine.
316
00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:51,737
I got a pretty good idea.
317
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:55,115
Have you checked
Temple Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood?
318
00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:58,118
It's also where they control
the weather and the Oscars.
319
00:17:58,118 --> 00:18:00,287
That's it. You guys are off the case.
320
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,583
Since we'd been
thrown off the case,
321
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,919
I thought it'd be nice
to invite my partner over
322
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,629
for a home-cooked meal.
323
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,006
Huh. You don't have a pitcher of iced tea?
324
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:14,051
I thought every Black family dinner
had a pitcher of iced tea.
325
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:17,721
We do have a picture of Ice T,
right up there on the wall.
326
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,556
Attention, all units.
327
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,308
Be advised of a possible drug deal
at the dock.
328
00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,811
- That's not far from here.
- No way.
329
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,521
We were taken off that case.
330
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,649
Yeah, but we can be there
before even the closest patrol car.
331
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,002
There, look!
Quick, pull over and let me out.
332
00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:51,338
- What?
- I'm gonna run the rest of the way.
333
00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:54,550
- I assure you the car will be faster.
- See you there.
334
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,230
Been waiting here for six minutes.
335
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,524
Okay. Okay. Okay.
336
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:13,652
So six-minute mile.
Not bad for jeans and no underpants.
337
00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:16,196
You got any glove-box Vaseline in there?
338
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,827
It's the chief. What the hell?
339
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:34,298
The chief has been the mastermind
of the cocaine cartel all along.
340
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:37,467
That might explain
why he always calls me at 3:00 a.m.
341
00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,636
with screenplay ideas.
342
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,809
Hello?
Okay, hear me out.
343
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,437
It's Die Hard but in a building.
344
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,647
Die Hard is in a building.
345
00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:54,401
Hmm, I don't know. Here,
listen to me watch it, and we'll find out.
346
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:13,921
Give it up.
You guys can't arrest me anyway.
347
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:17,174
I have diplomatic immunity.
348
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:20,093
- You do?
- On what basis?
349
00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:22,262
Yeah. I'm a citizen of Margaritaville.
350
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:25,098
I even have this hat
from a recent vacation to prove it.
351
00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:27,935
Too bad.
352
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:31,313
Your diplomatic immunity's
just been revoked.
353
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:40,364
The officer's actions, while illegal,
were justified by a snappy line.
354
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:41,531
Movie over.
355
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,912
I was also a producer
on this project.