♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's a family guy ♪
[sighs] Son of a bitch.
What's wrong, Peter?
Eh, our IT guy told me today that, apparently,
I've had a work email address ever since I started there.
So now I gotta slog through 17,000 messages.
Aw, crap, we didn't have to come in on 9/11?
I never even liked working at that stupid brewery.
Hardly my dream job, I'll tell you that much.
Now there's an interesting question.
What would be your dream job?
Dream job? Oh, that's easy.
Ever since I was a kid,
I always pictured myself being an international spy.
So, beautiful, which lamp did you unplug to charge your phone in the room?
Mine's in the bathroom.
[moans] You know, I never caught your name.
- [zipper closes] - The name is Band. Lap Band.
- [gunfire] - [glass shattering]
- [screams] - [grunts]
Careful. Here come the bad guys
from whatever country won't offend American or Chinese audiences.
[grunts] You have dishonored the people of Finland, Mr. Band.
Shoot him, fellow tall introverts.
[Peter grunts]
["James Bond Theme" playing]
[henchmen grunt]
Yep. All definitely me. Whoosh! Zoom! Ski noise!
[gunfire]
[wind whistles]
♪ O-- O-- Ozempic ♪
I-- They threw a ton of money at us. We couldn't say no.
[chuckling] All right. Hey, I wonder who they got to do the song.
Blech.
♪ When you're a spy ♪
♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪
♪ You look high and low ♪
♪ You never know what you'll find ♪
♪ Spy life ♪
[Peter sighs] Mercifully brief.
Good morning, Agent 555.
Ugh, right. 'Cause this is a number on a television show.
I say, you look as bewitching as ever, Miss Takeapenny.
Oh, didn't you hear? I got married. I'm now Miss Takeapenny-Leaveapenny.
Wow. Lucky gentleman.
Because he gets to plow you, is what I mean.
So debonair.
You know, now that I'm married, I'm actually leaving.
I'm training my replacement Todd.
A male secretary?
[sighs] Well, I suppose I'll just have to adapt and harass him now.
Nice penis, Todd.
Oh, Mr. Band.
Okay, good. He knows how to play along. Yeah, this is-- This will work.
I understand you have a mission for me, M, which I can only assume stands for "Man."
Good morning, Mr. Band.
Whoa. My boss is the new Little Mermaid I'm so mad about.
Mr. Band, we have reports of a plan to intercept a European nuclear device
by the villainous mastermind Blofella.
Got it, M. Or is it maybe M-H-M, and-and you pronounce it, "Mm-hmm."
M is fine.
Okay, yeah. No-- I-- Times have changed and I-- I gotta-- I need to catch up.
Oh. Hey, Q.
Hey, have you seen who M is?
Which I totally support by the way.
In fact, it was my idea, and I fought for it.
- You should have heard me. - Okay.
Just let me show you the cutting-edge equipment you'll need for your mission.
First, I have this fridge that displays today's headlines.
Did-- Did you just go to Best Buy?
No. I also have these headphones that block out ambient plane noise.
Yeah, you ju-- you just went to Best Buy.
I did not.
So, where am I headed?
We're expecting Blofella to attempt to intercept the bomb in Belgium.
Oh. Awesome.
That's the country where they basically have dessert for breakfast, right?
Agent Triple-Five, I cannot stress enough, no dessert for breakfast.
Greetings, Mr. Band. On behalf of Belgian Secret Services.
Oh, hey. I'd shake your hand, but my arm is syrup-glued to the table.
The name is Alice. Alice Boobs.
[chuckles] That works in two ways.
No, it's-- it's really just one.
Our intelligence has revealed that the bomb transfer
is to take place in this warehouse for generic wooden crates.
[helicopter whirring]
[speaks indistinctly]
What? It's very loud.
[speaking indistinctly]
We're getting none of this.
If we can't hear him, he can't hear us saying we can't hear him.
What a mess.
Gavin. Gavin, turn off-- Turn the helicopter off.
I-- I was going to say, "Sorry to drop in on your party."
But, ugh, feels stupid now.
Get 'em, boys.
So that's it, Blofella? You-you're just gonna have us killed by your henchmen?
Oh, okay. I'd rather you not use that word. They are independent contractors.
He doesn't want to pay us benefits.
There is an app they log into when they want to work around their schedule.
I am not their employer. The app is their employer.
Goodbye, Mr. Band. [laughs]
[all grunting, groaning]
[Lois shouts]
[Peter] It wasn't looking good,
but thankfully Q had supplied me with
Captain America's shield.
[Quagmire] What? Wait, no, no.
You can't just become a Marvel character halfway through.
[Joe] Also, we usually see all the stuff Q gives you at the beginning.
This feels very unearned.
[Peter] Belgian intelligence learned that Blofella's plan
was to use the nuclear device he'd intercepted
to blow up the city of Las Vegas.
But that wasn't the only emergency I was dealing with.
Yeah, you said everyone in Vegas wears tuxedos,
and I'm starting to feel pretty self-conscious.
Uh. I didn't say, "Definitely." I said, "It was my understanding."
[gasps] Agent Triple-Five. Look!
[gasps] Blofella. Not on my watch.
- [grunts] - [screams]
- [machine chimes] - [coins rattle]
[both panting]
I-- I can't find my way out.
Okay. Well, that says breakfast buffet that way,
but I'm pretty sure we've seen it twice.
Ugh.
[pants] And here we are again at North Suite Elevators.
I don't know. Should we--
Should we just hit the slot machines while we're here?
No! That's why they do this!
No, no, no. Yeah, no, I get all that. I-- And I hate to hold things up,
but, I mean, Santana is in his 70s.
We should probably see him while we still can.
[groans]
[rock music playing]
[Peter] I knew one song.
Son of a bitch!
There we are. Assembly complete.
So, again, this would be an appropriate time
for you all to please log out of the app.
[Band] Ha! I got you now.
[gasps]
Mr. Band, how did you find me?
Honestly, I'm on a guided tour for the movie, The Hangover,
which ends on the roof.
Fun fact, gang.
It was actually Zach's idea to put the sunglasses on the baby.
Okay, I see everyone staring at the Mandalay Bay,
so I'll go ahead and tell you which window was the shooter's.
Well, you're too late.
In a few moments, all of Las Vegas will be totally wiped off the map.
[groaning]
You're a madman. Why are you doing this?
I need to get out of a very restrictive time-share deal,
and this is literally the only way out.
[Peter] There was no time.
So that's when I pulled out Kylo Ren's lightsaber
- and knocked Blofella off the roof. - [Blofella grunts] No!
[Quagmire] No! No, no, no. That's cheating.
[Joe] Yeah. Also, you got a lightsaber, and you're just gonna push a guy?
[thuds]
Oh, Triple-Five. You saved my life. Make love to me right now.
I'm sorry, Alice. I can't. I'm gay.
New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.
Well, that was awesome hearing about your dream job, Peter.
But I was actually lucky enough to have my dream job.
At least until I lost it.
It all started years ago.
It was the 1980s,
and I was living alone in a studio apartment with an askew poster
because bachelors never hang their posters straight.
[Peter] Yeah, no offense, Quagmire.
But I'm gonna listen to this story the same way I do most podcasts,
- at 1.5 speed. - [audio speed increases]
[Quagmire] I put on some weight from being in an abusive relationship with a woman:
- Mama Celeste. - [speaks Italian]
[Peter] All right, okay. Back-back to normal speed.
I'm in. I'm hooked.
[electronic beeping]
[Quagmire] The other thing about living in the '80s is that, wherever you went,
the actual Pointer Sisters would follow you around singing.
♪ Glenn You know this man just mailed a bill ♪
♪ To Sprint It's for his phone ♪
♪ A landline phone ♪
[Quagmire] I knew I needed to get in shape.
But the only forms of exercise in the '80s were roller-skating on a dance floor
or lugging around your dead boss to use his vacation home.
Back then, there were two things I liked:
gyrating my pelvis
and putting vowels next to each other that weren't normally next to each other.
I combined those two loves to create something called aerobics.
Welcome aboard.
Here's your complimentary headband, two wristbands,
waistband, thigh band, another headband.
[Quagmire] There were a lot of bands.
[Peter] Yeah, my finger's hovering over that 1.5 button.
[Quagmire] Yeah, okay, okay, okay. So I started teaching classes
that same week.
I even created an advanced class based on how your body moves during sex.
I called it "Sexercise."
And things took off immediately.
Because I gave 1980s women exactly what they wanted.
Long flat butts.
Come on, ladies. Longer. Flatter.
[Quagmire] My workout program was a hit. And soon I was ready to take it national.
I was lucky enough to get the chance to announce
the filming of my video on The Tonight Show with Johnny.
[Joe] Wow! You met Johnny Carson?
[Quagmire] Actually, that particular night, there was a guest host,
John Davidson, star of That's Incredible!
So, you know, different Johnny. But still Johnny.
[Peter] No one has ever called John Davidson "Johnny."
[Quagmire] He guest-hosted 87 times. That's not nothing.
Anyway, the night's first guest was Jane Fonda, who was promoting 9 to 5,
by far the "blousiest" movie of the 1980s.
So, Glenn Quagmire.
Says here you created an exercise craze called aerobics.
What inspired that?
Well, Johnny.
One day, as I did jumping jacks alone in my apartment,
I thought, "How can I take the worst parts of this and put it in a public setting,
plus a wall of mirrors and street-facing windows?"
[Quagmire] The interview seemed to go great.
But the next day, I realized how truly ruthless Jane Fonda was.
Now, Mr. Quagmire.
An important part of releasing a 1980s video
is the incredibly depressing production logo it opens with.
I have a few here to choose from.
First, is some vibrating rainbow text that never quite comes into focus.
[low synth humming]
Uh-huh, love that.
This one is just a large bouncing V with an ominous keyboard noise.
[low synth humming]
Also excellent.
Or here's three capital letters
all spelled with one thick, continuous line atop a digital horizon.
[low synth humming]
Wow, you can't miss. Let's go with all three.
Wait a minute. What's-- What's going on?
Where are my leg warmers?
Back then, leg warmers were essential,
because that was by far the coldest decade from the knee down.
Did someone take my leg warmers?
In place of my leg warmers, I found only a single note.
At first, I assumed Jodie Foster had stolen my leg warmers,
and I was about to go take it out on the president.
But then I realized it could only have been one person intent on sabotaging me,
Jane Fonda.
I tried my best to soldier on.
Okay, don't look at my legs. And one! And two!
My calves are tiny and cold.
And three! And four!
But I knew, even in the moment, it was gonna be a disaster.
[all gasp]
[Quagmire] I never stood a chance.
[Jane] Hello, Glenn.
Sorry you failed.
But... [chuckles] ...like they say, all's fair in love and aerobics.
Who? Who says that? Nobody.
God, now I get why everyone's racist uncle hates you.
Well, it's been nice chatting but if you'll excuse me,
I have to go lobby our nation
about cleaning up the mess we made in Vietnam.
[Peter] Sorry, I went ahead and hit the 8x.
[Quagmire] No, you-- you-- you did the-- you did the right thing, Peter.
[low synth humming]
Well, as far as dream jobs go, mine's always been to do what you do, Joe.
To be a cop.
But, you know, one day short of retirement
since y'all got such a nice benefits package.
Uh. Well, my dream job is to do pretty much what I do now
but be like a loose-cannon-type cop
who doesn't care whether he lives or dies but can definitely walk.
[Cleveland] It was my last day on the job.
And I'd just taken my last office dump when I was called into the chief's office.
Morning, sir. You wanted to see me?
That's right. We've been tracking a notorious drug cartel
that's been bringing tons of cocaine into LA.
Yes. Cocaine has been ravaging the Black community for years.
Yeah. Well, some white girl got a minor nosebleed.
So now I guess it's, like, a big fricking deal.
In fact, last night there was a huge bust.
Wow. How much was it?
And remember we measure cocaine-- and nothing else-- in only kilos.
- I don't know, 80 pounds. - Huh?
Like 36 kilos.
Oh, my God!
That's too much kilos.
Oh, I'm also assigning you a new partner.
But don't worry, I know you're nearing retirement and want a stable situation.
So I'm hooking you up with a guy named Sergeant Maniac.
How you doing? I'm a crazy wild card
as indicated by my only-right-now timely mullet.
Hmm.
You ain't dressed like a police detective.
Well, I know we're gonna be running around chasing bad guys,
so I wore the tightest jeans I own.
Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
Hey, why don't you come on out to my beachside trailer
to, uh, discuss the case?
Sure. Where is it?
Uh. Not in Malibu. They wouldn't allow it.
But one of those garbage beaches further north,
way past Moonshadows, which is, like, the perfect place to get drunk
and tell everybody who's responsible for all the world's wars.
[Cleveland] I soon realized my new partner had serious issues.
He didn't care what kind of dangerous stuff he did.
Hello.
You're calling from credit card services? Great.
I'll tell you my social security number,
and you tell me if it matches what you have there.
Man is insane.
Okay. And now don't laugh at my mother's maiden name.
It's kind of a goofy one.
Tinkleman.
Yeah, it's like-- like pee.
I thought we were gonna discuss the case.
Right. I'll be ready in one minute.
But first, I've been asked to make sure women come see the movie too.
[Cleveland] So my crazy partner and I set out to solve the case
and began by looking for Leeds,
which was a somewhat popular mattress store
where if you said you were a potential customer,
they'd let you take a nap in the middle of the day.
Sorry, guys, my manager says you have to leave.
Leave? But my partner and I are trying out this queen bed.
[giggles]
What are you giggling at?
We're partners on the police force.
This guy's wearing jeans with no underwear.
Yeah, you're cops.
Sure.
You guys are no closer to figuring out
who's responsible for bringing in all this cocaine.
I got a pretty good idea.
Have you checked Temple Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood?
It's also where they control the weather and the Oscars.
That's it. You guys are off the case.
[Cleveland] Since we'd been thrown off the case,
I thought it'd be nice to invite my partner over
for a home-cooked meal.
Huh. You don't have a pitcher of iced tea?
I thought every Black family dinner had a pitcher of iced tea.
We do have a picture of Ice T, right up there on the wall.
[dispatcher] Attention, all units.
Be advised of a possible drug deal at the dock.
- That's not far from here. - No way.
We were taken off that case.
Yeah, but we can be there before even the closest patrol car.
There, look! Quick, pull over and let me out.
- What? - I'm gonna run the rest of the way.
- I assure you the car will be faster. - See you there.
[grunts]
[panting]
[grunts, panting]
Been waiting here for six minutes.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
So six-minute mile. Not bad for jeans and no underpants.
You got any glove-box Vaseline in there?
It's the chief. What the hell?
The chief has been the mastermind of the cocaine cartel all along.
That might explain why he always calls me at 3:00 a.m.
with screenplay ideas.
[phone ringing]
- [groans] Hello? - [Chief Carter] Okay, hear me out.
It's Die Hard but in a building.
Die Hard is in a building.
[Chief Carter] Hmm, I don't know. Here, listen to me watch it, and we'll find out.
["20th Century Fox Fanfare" playing]
[both grunt]
[grunts]
Give it up. You guys can't arrest me anyway.
I have diplomatic immunity.
- You do? - On what basis?
Yeah. I'm a citizen of Margaritaville.
I even have this hat from a recent vacation to prove it.
[growls] Too bad.
Your diplomatic immunity's just been revoked.
[grunts]
The officer's actions, while illegal, were justified by a snappy line.
Movie over.
[low synth humming]
[Quagmire] I was also a producer on this project.