1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 2 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928 ♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪ 3 00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389 ♪ On which we used to rely ♪ 4 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 5 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪ 6 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 7 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 8 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 9 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,288 {\an8}[sighs] Son of a bitch. 10 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:39,456 {\an8}What's wrong, Peter? 11 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:41,833 {\an8}Eh, our IT guy told me today that, apparently, 12 00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:44,419 {\an8}I've had a work email address ever since I started there. 13 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:47,589 {\an8}So now I gotta slog through 17,000 messages. 14 00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:50,300 {\an8}Aw, crap, we didn't have to come in on 9/11? 15 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,886 {\an8}I never even liked working at that stupid brewery. 16 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,305 Hardly my dream job, I'll tell you that much. 17 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,432 {\an8}Now there's an interesting question. 18 00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,392 {\an8}What would be your dream job? 19 00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:01,436 {\an8}Dream job? Oh, that's easy. 20 00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:02,562 {\an8}Ever since I was a kid, 21 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:05,648 {\an8}I always pictured myself being an international spy. 22 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:17,452 {\an8}So, beautiful, which lamp did you unplug to charge your phone in the room? 23 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:18,578 {\an8}Mine's in the bathroom. 24 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:21,623 {\an8}[moans] You know, I never caught your name. 25 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:24,959 {\an8}- [zipper closes] - The name is Band. Lap Band. 26 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:26,127 {\an8}- [gunfire] - [glass shattering] 27 00:01:26,127 --> 00:01:27,462 {\an8}- [screams] - [grunts] 28 00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,173 {\an8}Careful. Here come the bad guys 29 00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:33,510 {\an8}from whatever country won't offend American or Chinese audiences. 30 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:38,765 {\an8}[grunts] You have dishonored the people of Finland, Mr. Band. 31 00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,683 {\an8}Shoot him, fellow tall introverts. 32 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:43,812 [Peter grunts] 33 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,563 ["James Bond Theme" playing] 34 00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,326 {\an8}[henchmen grunt] 35 00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:03,915 {\an8}Yep. All definitely me. Whoosh! Zoom! Ski noise! 36 00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:06,918 {\an8}[gunfire] 37 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,088 {\an8}[wind whistles] 38 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:16,594 ♪ O-- O-- Ozempic ♪ 39 00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:19,013 {\an8}I-- They threw a ton of money at us. We couldn't say no. 40 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:34,070 [chuckling] All right. Hey, I wonder who they got to do the song. 41 00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:36,239 Blech. 42 00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:38,616 ♪ When you're a spy ♪ 43 00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:43,454 ♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪ 44 00:02:43,454 --> 00:02:46,166 ♪ You look high and low ♪ 45 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:50,003 ♪ You never know what you'll find ♪ 46 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,130 ♪ Spy life ♪ 47 00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:54,966 [Peter sighs] Mercifully brief. 48 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,764 {\an8}Good morning, Agent 555. 49 00:03:01,764 --> 00:03:04,893 {\an8}Ugh, right. 'Cause this is a number on a television show. 50 00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:08,146 {\an8}I say, you look as bewitching as ever, Miss Takeapenny. 51 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:12,692 {\an8}Oh, didn't you hear? I got married. I'm now Miss Takeapenny-Leaveapenny. 52 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,194 {\an8}Wow. Lucky gentleman. 53 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,779 {\an8}Because he gets to plow you, is what I mean. 54 00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:18,364 {\an8}So debonair. 55 00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:21,117 {\an8}You know, now that I'm married, I'm actually leaving. 56 00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:23,286 {\an8}I'm training my replacement Todd. 57 00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:25,121 {\an8}A male secretary? 58 00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:28,666 {\an8}[sighs] Well, I suppose I'll just have to adapt and harass him now. 59 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:30,793 Nice penis, Todd. 60 00:03:30,793 --> 00:03:32,295 Oh, Mr. Band. 61 00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:35,840 Okay, good. He knows how to play along. Yeah, this is-- This will work. 62 00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:41,095 I understand you have a mission for me, M, which I can only assume stands for "Man." 63 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,265 {\an8}Good morning, Mr. Band. 64 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:47,727 Whoa. My boss is the new Little Mermaid I'm so mad about. 65 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:52,815 Mr. Band, we have reports of a plan to intercept a European nuclear device 66 00:03:52,815 --> 00:03:55,944 by the villainous mastermind Blofella. 67 00:03:55,944 --> 00:04:01,783 {\an8}Got it, M. Or is it maybe M-H-M, and-and you pronounce it, "Mm-hmm." 68 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,117 {\an8}M is fine. 69 00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:06,537 {\an8}Okay, yeah. No-- I-- Times have changed and I-- I gotta-- I need to catch up. 70 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:15,880 Oh. Hey, Q. 71 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,131 Hey, have you seen who M is? 72 00:04:17,131 --> 00:04:18,967 Which I totally support by the way. 73 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:21,177 In fact, it was my idea, and I fought for it. 74 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:22,762 - You should have heard me. - Okay. 75 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,848 Just let me show you the cutting-edge equipment you'll need for your mission. 76 00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:29,519 First, I have this fridge that displays today's headlines. 77 00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:32,105 Did-- Did you just go to Best Buy? 78 00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:36,401 No. I also have these headphones that block out ambient plane noise. 79 00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:38,027 Yeah, you ju-- you just went to Best Buy. 80 00:04:38,027 --> 00:04:39,279 I did not. 81 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,446 So, where am I headed? 82 00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:43,825 We're expecting Blofella to attempt to intercept the bomb in Belgium. 83 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:44,909 Oh. Awesome. 84 00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:47,870 That's the country where they basically have dessert for breakfast, right? 85 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:52,292 Agent Triple-Five, I cannot stress enough, no dessert for breakfast. 86 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:07,640 Greetings, Mr. Band. On behalf of Belgian Secret Services. 87 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:11,561 Oh, hey. I'd shake your hand, but my arm is syrup-glued to the table. 88 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:14,480 The name is Alice. Alice Boobs. 89 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:17,525 [chuckles] That works in two ways. 90 00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:19,193 No, it's-- it's really just one. 91 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,659 Our intelligence has revealed that the bomb transfer 92 00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:29,996 is to take place in this warehouse for generic wooden crates. 93 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:32,123 [helicopter whirring] 94 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:41,132 [speaks indistinctly] 95 00:05:41,132 --> 00:05:43,009 What? It's very loud. 96 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:45,094 [speaking indistinctly] 97 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,349 We're getting none of this. 98 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:53,353 If we can't hear him, he can't hear us saying we can't hear him. 99 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,645 What a mess. 100 00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:58,274 Gavin. Gavin, turn off-- Turn the helicopter off. 101 00:05:58,274 --> 00:06:01,694 I-- I was going to say, "Sorry to drop in on your party." 102 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:03,780 But, ugh, feels stupid now. 103 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,114 Get 'em, boys. 104 00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:08,701 So that's it, Blofella? You-you're just gonna have us killed by your henchmen? 105 00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:12,997 Oh, okay. I'd rather you not use that word. They are independent contractors. 106 00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:14,791 He doesn't want to pay us benefits. 107 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:19,212 There is an app they log into when they want to work around their schedule. 108 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,006 I am not their employer. The app is their employer. 109 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,135 Goodbye, Mr. Band. [laughs] 110 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:30,306 [all grunting, groaning] 111 00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,064 [Lois shouts] 112 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,066 [Peter] It wasn't looking good, 113 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,027 but thankfully Q had supplied me with 114 00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,781 Captain America's shield. 115 00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:47,990 [Quagmire] What? Wait, no, no. 116 00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:50,493 You can't just become a Marvel character halfway through. 117 00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:54,622 [Joe] Also, we usually see all the stuff Q gives you at the beginning. 118 00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:57,083 This feels very unearned. 119 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,919 [Peter] Belgian intelligence learned that Blofella's plan 120 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,213 was to use the nuclear device he'd intercepted 121 00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:04,382 to blow up the city of Las Vegas. 122 00:07:04,382 --> 00:07:07,218 But that wasn't the only emergency I was dealing with. 123 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:10,054 Yeah, you said everyone in Vegas wears tuxedos, 124 00:07:10,054 --> 00:07:12,557 and I'm starting to feel pretty self-conscious. 125 00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:16,561 Uh. I didn't say, "Definitely." I said, "It was my understanding." 126 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:19,063 [gasps] Agent Triple-Five. Look! 127 00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:24,485 [gasps] Blofella. Not on my watch. 128 00:07:28,322 --> 00:07:29,699 - [grunts] - [screams] 129 00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:33,244 - [machine chimes] - [coins rattle] 130 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:39,417 [both panting] 131 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,919 I-- I can't find my way out. 132 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,922 Okay. Well, that says breakfast buffet that way, 133 00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,924 but I'm pretty sure we've seen it twice. 134 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:48,593 Ugh. 135 00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:53,431 [pants] And here we are again at North Suite Elevators. 136 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,515 I don't know. Should we-- 137 00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:56,642 Should we just hit the slot machines while we're here? 138 00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,102 No! That's why they do this! 139 00:07:58,102 --> 00:08:00,646 No, no, no. Yeah, no, I get all that. I-- And I hate to hold things up, 140 00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:03,649 but, I mean, Santana is in his 70s. 141 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,319 We should probably see him while we still can. 142 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,403 [groans] 143 00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:08,779 [rock music playing] 144 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,241 [Peter] I knew one song. 145 00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:15,453 Son of a bitch! 146 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,669 There we are. Assembly complete. 147 00:08:23,669 --> 00:08:26,005 So, again, this would be an appropriate time 148 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,090 for you all to please log out of the app. 149 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,092 [Band] Ha! I got you now. 150 00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:31,177 [gasps] 151 00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:33,971 Mr. Band, how did you find me? 152 00:08:33,971 --> 00:08:36,849 Honestly, I'm on a guided tour for the movie, The Hangover, 153 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:37,975 which ends on the roof. 154 00:08:37,975 --> 00:08:39,352 Fun fact, gang. 155 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:43,189 It was actually Zach's idea to put the sunglasses on the baby. 156 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,025 Okay, I see everyone staring at the Mandalay Bay, 157 00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,945 so I'll go ahead and tell you which window was the shooter's. 158 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,196 Well, you're too late. 159 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,866 In a few moments, all of Las Vegas will be totally wiped off the map. 160 00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,576 [groaning] 161 00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:58,162 You're a madman. Why are you doing this? 162 00:08:58,162 --> 00:09:01,040 I need to get out of a very restrictive time-share deal, 163 00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,042 and this is literally the only way out. 164 00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:12,260 [Peter] There was no time. 165 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,471 So that's when I pulled out Kylo Ren's lightsaber 166 00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:18,182 - and knocked Blofella off the roof. - [Blofella grunts] No! 167 00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:19,850 [Quagmire] No! No, no, no. That's cheating. 168 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:23,312 [Joe] Yeah. Also, you got a lightsaber, and you're just gonna push a guy? 169 00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:24,397 [thuds] 170 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:29,986 Oh, Triple-Five. You saved my life. Make love to me right now. 171 00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:32,405 I'm sorry, Alice. I can't. I'm gay. 172 00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:35,241 New Bond. Edited for snowflakes. 173 00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,710 Well, that was awesome hearing about your dream job, Peter. 174 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,671 But I was actually lucky enough to have my dream job. 175 00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,089 At least until I lost it. 176 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,008 It all started years ago. 177 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,468 {\an8}It was the 1980s, 178 00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:57,847 {\an8}and I was living alone in a studio apartment with an askew poster 179 00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,266 because bachelors never hang their posters straight. 180 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,851 [Peter] Yeah, no offense, Quagmire. 181 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:04,854 But I'm gonna listen to this story the same way I do most podcasts, 182 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,106 - at 1.5 speed. - [audio speed increases] 183 00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:10,109 [Quagmire] I put on some weight from being in an abusive relationship with a woman: 184 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,028 - Mama Celeste. - [speaks Italian] 185 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,863 [Peter] All right, okay. Back-back to normal speed. 186 00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,281 I'm in. I'm hooked. 187 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,657 [electronic beeping] 188 00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:19,452 [Quagmire] The other thing about living in the '80s is that, wherever you went, 189 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,204 the actual Pointer Sisters would follow you around singing. 190 00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:27,251 ♪ Glenn You know this man just mailed a bill ♪ 191 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,337 ♪ To Sprint It's for his phone ♪ 192 00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:31,380 ♪ A landline phone ♪ 193 00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,966 [Quagmire] I knew I needed to get in shape. 194 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:37,720 But the only forms of exercise in the '80s were roller-skating on a dance floor 195 00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,057 or lugging around your dead boss to use his vacation home. 196 00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:43,976 Back then, there were two things I liked: 197 00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,394 gyrating my pelvis 198 00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:48,689 and putting vowels next to each other that weren't normally next to each other. 199 00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:51,484 I combined those two loves to create something called aerobics. 200 00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:53,736 Welcome aboard. 201 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,489 Here's your complimentary headband, two wristbands, 202 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,949 waistband, thigh band, another headband. 203 00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:00,493 [Quagmire] There were a lot of bands. 204 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,079 [Peter] Yeah, my finger's hovering over that 1.5 button. 205 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,665 [Quagmire] Yeah, okay, okay, okay. So I started teaching classes 206 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,749 that same week. 207 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,627 I even created an advanced class based on how your body moves during sex. 208 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,130 I called it "Sexercise." 209 00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:20,763 And things took off immediately. 210 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:24,308 Because I gave 1980s women exactly what they wanted. 211 00:11:24,308 --> 00:11:26,018 Long flat butts. 212 00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,312 Come on, ladies. Longer. Flatter. 213 00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:32,608 [Quagmire] My workout program was a hit. And soon I was ready to take it national. 214 00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,527 I was lucky enough to get the chance to announce 215 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,821 the filming of my video on The Tonight Show with Johnny. 216 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,198 [Joe] Wow! You met Johnny Carson? 217 00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,617 [Quagmire] Actually, that particular night, there was a guest host, 218 00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:43,869 John Davidson, star of That's Incredible! 219 00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,038 So, you know, different Johnny. But still Johnny. 220 00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,708 [Peter] No one has ever called John Davidson "Johnny." 221 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,335 [Quagmire] He guest-hosted 87 times. That's not nothing. 222 00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:55,798 Anyway, the night's first guest was Jane Fonda, who was promoting 9 to 5, 223 00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:58,426 by far the "blousiest" movie of the 1980s. 224 00:11:58,426 --> 00:11:59,969 So, Glenn Quagmire. 225 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:03,931 Says here you created an exercise craze called aerobics. 226 00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,391 What inspired that? 227 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,226 Well, Johnny. 228 00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,979 One day, as I did jumping jacks alone in my apartment, 229 00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:13,899 I thought, "How can I take the worst parts of this and put it in a public setting, 230 00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:16,777 plus a wall of mirrors and street-facing windows?" 231 00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,571 [Quagmire] The interview seemed to go great. 232 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,825 But the next day, I realized how truly ruthless Jane Fonda was. 233 00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,038 Now, Mr. Quagmire. 234 00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:30,833 An important part of releasing a 1980s video 235 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:34,044 is the incredibly depressing production logo it opens with. 236 00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:35,796 I have a few here to choose from. 237 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:40,176 First, is some vibrating rainbow text that never quite comes into focus. 238 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,888 [low synth humming] 239 00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,264 Uh-huh, love that. 240 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:49,685 This one is just a large bouncing V with an ominous keyboard noise. 241 00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:53,898 [low synth humming] 242 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:54,982 Also excellent. 243 00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:57,151 Or here's three capital letters 244 00:12:57,151 --> 00:13:01,989 all spelled with one thick, continuous line atop a digital horizon. 245 00:13:01,989 --> 00:13:06,243 [low synth humming] 246 00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,537 Wow, you can't miss. Let's go with all three. 247 00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:11,749 Wait a minute. What's-- What's going on? 248 00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:12,833 Where are my leg warmers? 249 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,752 Back then, leg warmers were essential, 250 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:18,297 because that was by far the coldest decade from the knee down. 251 00:13:18,297 --> 00:13:20,216 Did someone take my leg warmers? 252 00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:23,803 In place of my leg warmers, I found only a single note. 253 00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:30,059 At first, I assumed Jodie Foster had stolen my leg warmers, 254 00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:32,436 and I was about to go take it out on the president. 255 00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:36,649 But then I realized it could only have been one person intent on sabotaging me, 256 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,400 Jane Fonda. 257 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:41,487 I tried my best to soldier on. 258 00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,906 Okay, don't look at my legs. And one! And two! 259 00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:45,199 My calves are tiny and cold. 260 00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:46,659 And three! And four! 261 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:50,079 But I knew, even in the moment, it was gonna be a disaster. 262 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:51,455 [all gasp] 263 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,757 [Quagmire] I never stood a chance. 264 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,888 [Jane] Hello, Glenn. 265 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:09,139 Sorry you failed. 266 00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:12,977 But... [chuckles] ...like they say, all's fair in love and aerobics. 267 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,937 Who? Who says that? Nobody. 268 00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,731 God, now I get why everyone's racist uncle hates you. 269 00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:21,193 Well, it's been nice chatting but if you'll excuse me, 270 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,611 I have to go lobby our nation 271 00:14:22,611 --> 00:14:25,155 about cleaning up the mess we made in Vietnam. 272 00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:27,116 [Peter] Sorry, I went ahead and hit the 8x. 273 00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:30,202 [Quagmire] No, you-- you-- you did the-- you did the right thing, Peter. 274 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,830 [low synth humming] 275 00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:49,346 Well, as far as dream jobs go, mine's always been to do what you do, Joe. 276 00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:50,431 To be a cop. 277 00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,474 But, you know, one day short of retirement 278 00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,768 since y'all got such a nice benefits package. 279 00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:58,856 Uh. Well, my dream job is to do pretty much what I do now 280 00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:00,983 but be like a loose-cannon-type cop 281 00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,445 who doesn't care whether he lives or dies but can definitely walk. 282 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,784 [Cleveland] It was my last day on the job. 283 00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:14,914 And I'd just taken my last office dump when I was called into the chief's office. 284 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,458 Morning, sir. You wanted to see me? 285 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,336 That's right. We've been tracking a notorious drug cartel 286 00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:22,671 that's been bringing tons of cocaine into LA. 287 00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:26,508 Yes. Cocaine has been ravaging the Black community for years. 288 00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:29,011 Yeah. Well, some white girl got a minor nosebleed. 289 00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,388 So now I guess it's, like, a big fricking deal. 290 00:15:31,388 --> 00:15:33,599 In fact, last night there was a huge bust. 291 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,392 Wow. How much was it? 292 00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:39,647 And remember we measure cocaine-- and nothing else-- in only kilos. 293 00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,982 - I don't know, 80 pounds. - Huh? 294 00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:43,442 Like 36 kilos. 295 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:44,693 Oh, my God! 296 00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:46,278 That's too much kilos. 297 00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,447 Oh, I'm also assigning you a new partner. 298 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:52,076 But don't worry, I know you're nearing retirement and want a stable situation. 299 00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,828 So I'm hooking you up with a guy named Sergeant Maniac. 300 00:15:54,828 --> 00:15:57,539 How you doing? I'm a crazy wild card 301 00:15:57,539 --> 00:16:01,085 as indicated by my only-right-now timely mullet. 302 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,169 Hmm. 303 00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,213 You ain't dressed like a police detective. 304 00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,840 Well, I know we're gonna be running around chasing bad guys, 305 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,093 so I wore the tightest jeans I own. 306 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,053 Hi-yah! Hi-yah! 307 00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:13,806 Hey, why don't you come on out to my beachside trailer 308 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,891 to, uh, discuss the case? 309 00:16:15,891 --> 00:16:17,393 Sure. Where is it? 310 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,895 Uh. Not in Malibu. They wouldn't allow it. 311 00:16:19,895 --> 00:16:22,481 But one of those garbage beaches further north, 312 00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:26,026 way past Moonshadows, which is, like, the perfect place to get drunk 313 00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:29,530 and tell everybody who's responsible for all the world's wars. 314 00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:36,787 {\an8}[Cleveland] I soon realized my new partner had serious issues. 315 00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:39,623 {\an8}He didn't care what kind of dangerous stuff he did. 316 00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:41,750 {\an8}Hello. 317 00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:45,379 {\an8}You're calling from credit card services? Great. 318 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,214 {\an8}I'll tell you my social security number, 319 00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:49,383 {\an8}and you tell me if it matches what you have there. 320 00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,760 Man is insane. 321 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,847 {\an8}Okay. And now don't laugh at my mother's maiden name. 322 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,724 {\an8}It's kind of a goofy one. 323 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:57,891 {\an8}Tinkleman. 324 00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:00,728 {\an8}Yeah, it's like-- like pee. 325 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,813 {\an8}I thought we were gonna discuss the case. 326 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,314 {\an8}Right. I'll be ready in one minute. 327 00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:08,152 {\an8}But first, I've been asked to make sure women come see the movie too. 328 00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,745 [Cleveland] So my crazy partner and I set out to solve the case 329 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:19,788 and began by looking for Leeds, 330 00:17:19,788 --> 00:17:22,041 which was a somewhat popular mattress store 331 00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,959 where if you said you were a potential customer, 332 00:17:23,959 --> 00:17:26,545 they'd let you take a nap in the middle of the day. 333 00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:29,840 Sorry, guys, my manager says you have to leave. 334 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:33,302 Leave? But my partner and I are trying out this queen bed. 335 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,511 [giggles] 336 00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:35,888 What are you giggling at? 337 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,806 We're partners on the police force. 338 00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:40,267 This guy's wearing jeans with no underwear. 339 00:17:40,267 --> 00:17:41,435 Yeah, you're cops. 340 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,686 Sure. 341 00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,941 You guys are no closer to figuring out 342 00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:50,402 who's responsible for bringing in all this cocaine. 343 00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:51,737 I got a pretty good idea. 344 00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:55,115 Have you checked Temple Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood? 345 00:17:55,115 --> 00:17:58,118 It's also where they control the weather and the Oscars. 346 00:17:58,118 --> 00:18:00,287 That's it. You guys are off the case. 347 00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,583 [Cleveland] Since we'd been thrown off the case, 348 00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,919 I thought it'd be nice to invite my partner over 349 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,629 for a home-cooked meal. 350 00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,006 Huh. You don't have a pitcher of iced tea? 351 00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:14,051 I thought every Black family dinner had a pitcher of iced tea. 352 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:17,721 We do have a picture of Ice T, right up there on the wall. 353 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,556 [dispatcher] Attention, all units. 354 00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:21,308 Be advised of a possible drug deal at the dock. 355 00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,811 - That's not far from here. - No way. 356 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,521 We were taken off that case. 357 00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,649 Yeah, but we can be there before even the closest patrol car. 358 00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,002 There, look! Quick, pull over and let me out. 359 00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:51,338 - What? - I'm gonna run the rest of the way. 360 00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:54,550 - I assure you the car will be faster. - See you there. 361 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,429 [grunts] 362 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,142 [panting] 363 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,562 [grunts, panting] 364 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,230 Been waiting here for six minutes. 365 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,524 Okay. Okay. Okay. 366 00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:13,652 So six-minute mile. Not bad for jeans and no underpants. 367 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:16,196 You got any glove-box Vaseline in there? 368 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,827 It's the chief. What the hell? 369 00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:34,298 The chief has been the mastermind of the cocaine cartel all along. 370 00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:37,467 That might explain why he always calls me at 3:00 a.m. 371 00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,636 with screenplay ideas. 372 00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,013 [phone ringing] 373 00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,809 - [groans] Hello? - [Chief Carter] Okay, hear me out. 374 00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,437 It's Die Hard but in a building. 375 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,647 Die Hard is in a building. 376 00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:54,401 [Chief Carter] Hmm, I don't know. Here, listen to me watch it, and we'll find out. 377 00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,486 ["20th Century Fox Fanfare" playing] 378 00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,078 [both grunt] 379 00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:06,788 [grunts] 380 00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:10,834 [grunts] 381 00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:13,921 Give it up. You guys can't arrest me anyway. 382 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:17,174 I have diplomatic immunity. 383 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:20,093 - You do? - On what basis? 384 00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:22,262 Yeah. I'm a citizen of Margaritaville. 385 00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:25,098 I even have this hat from a recent vacation to prove it. 386 00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:27,935 [growls] Too bad. 387 00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:31,313 Your diplomatic immunity's just been revoked. 388 00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:33,106 [grunts] 389 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:40,364 The officer's actions, while illegal, were justified by a snappy line. 390 00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:41,531 Movie over. 391 00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,659 [low synth humming] 392 00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,912 [Quagmire] I was also a producer on this project.