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00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
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00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's a family guy ♪
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{\an8}[sighs] Son of a bitch.
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{\an8}What's wrong, Peter?
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{\an8}Eh, our IT guy told me today
that, apparently,
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{\an8}I've had a work email address
ever since I started there.
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{\an8}So now I gotta slog through
17,000 messages.
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{\an8}Aw, crap, we didn't have to
come in on 9/11?
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{\an8}I never even liked working
at that stupid brewery.
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Hardly my dream job,
I'll tell you that much.
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{\an8}Now there's an interesting question.
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{\an8}What would be your dream job?
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{\an8}Dream job? Oh, that's easy.
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{\an8}Ever since I was a kid,
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{\an8}I always pictured myself
being an international spy.
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{\an8}So, beautiful, which lamp did you unplug
to charge your phone in the room?
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{\an8}Mine's in the bathroom.
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{\an8}[moans] You know,
I never caught your name.
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{\an8}- [zipper closes]
- The name is Band. Lap Band.
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{\an8}- [gunfire]
- [glass shattering]
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{\an8}- [screams]
- [grunts]
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{\an8}Careful. Here come the bad guys
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{\an8}from whatever country won't offend
American or Chinese audiences.
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{\an8}[grunts] You have dishonored
the people of Finland, Mr. Band.
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{\an8}Shoot him, fellow tall introverts.
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[Peter grunts]
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["James Bond Theme" playing]
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{\an8}[henchmen grunt]
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{\an8}Yep. All definitely me.
Whoosh! Zoom! Ski noise!
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{\an8}[gunfire]
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{\an8}[wind whistles]
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♪ O-- O-- Ozempic ♪
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{\an8}I-- They threw a ton of money at us.
We couldn't say no.
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[chuckling] All right. Hey, I wonder
who they got to do the song.
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Blech.
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♪ When you're a spy ♪
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♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪
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♪ You look high and low ♪
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♪ You never know what you'll find ♪
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♪ Spy life ♪
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[Peter sighs] Mercifully brief.
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{\an8}Good morning, Agent 555.
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{\an8}Ugh, right. 'Cause this is a number
on a television show.
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{\an8}I say, you look as bewitching as ever,
Miss Takeapenny.
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{\an8}Oh, didn't you hear? I got married.
I'm now Miss Takeapenny-Leaveapenny.
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{\an8}Wow. Lucky gentleman.
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{\an8}Because he gets to plow you,
is what I mean.
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{\an8}So debonair.
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{\an8}You know, now that I'm married,
I'm actually leaving.
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{\an8}I'm training my replacement Todd.
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{\an8}A male secretary?
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{\an8}[sighs] Well, I suppose I'll just
have to adapt and harass him now.
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Nice penis, Todd.
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Oh, Mr. Band.
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Okay, good. He knows how to play along.
Yeah, this is-- This will work.
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I understand you have a mission for me, M,
which I can only assume stands for "Man."
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{\an8}Good morning, Mr. Band.
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Whoa. My boss is the new Little Mermaid
I'm so mad about.
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Mr. Band, we have reports of a plan
to intercept a European nuclear device
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by the villainous mastermind Blofella.
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{\an8}Got it, M. Or is it maybe M-H-M,
and-and you pronounce it, "Mm-hmm."
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{\an8}M is fine.
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{\an8}Okay, yeah. No-- I-- Times have changed
and I-- I gotta-- I need to catch up.
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Oh. Hey, Q.
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Hey, have you seen who M is?
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Which I totally support by the way.
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In fact, it was my idea,
and I fought for it.
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- You should have heard me.
- Okay.
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Just let me show you the cutting-edge
equipment you'll need for your mission.
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First, I have this fridge
that displays today's headlines.
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Did-- Did you just go to Best Buy?
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No. I also have these headphones
that block out ambient plane noise.
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Yeah, you ju-- you just went to Best Buy.
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I did not.
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So, where am I headed?
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We're expecting Blofella to attempt
to intercept the bomb in Belgium.
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Oh. Awesome.
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That's the country where they basically
have dessert for breakfast, right?
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Agent Triple-Five, I cannot stress enough,
no dessert for breakfast.
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Greetings, Mr. Band.
On behalf of Belgian Secret Services.
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Oh, hey. I'd shake your hand,
but my arm is syrup-glued to the table.
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The name is Alice. Alice Boobs.
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[chuckles] That works in two ways.
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No, it's-- it's really just one.
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Our intelligence has revealed
that the bomb transfer
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is to take place in this warehouse
for generic wooden crates.
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[helicopter whirring]
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[speaks indistinctly]
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What? It's very loud.
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[speaking indistinctly]
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We're getting none of this.
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If we can't hear him, he can't hear us
saying we can't hear him.
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What a mess.
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Gavin. Gavin, turn off--
Turn the helicopter off.
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I-- I was going to say,
"Sorry to drop in on your party."
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But, ugh, feels stupid now.
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Get 'em, boys.
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So that's it, Blofella? You-you're just
gonna have us killed by your henchmen?
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Oh, okay. I'd rather you not use that
word. They are independent contractors.
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He doesn't want to pay us benefits.
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There is an app they log into when they
want to work around their schedule.
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I am not their employer.
The app is their employer.
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Goodbye, Mr. Band. [laughs]
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[all grunting, groaning]
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[Lois shouts]
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[Peter] It wasn't looking good,
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but thankfully Q had supplied me with
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Captain America's shield.
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[Quagmire] What? Wait, no, no.
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You can't just become
a Marvel character halfway through.
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[Joe] Also, we usually see all the stuff
Q gives you at the beginning.
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This feels very unearned.
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[Peter] Belgian intelligence learned that
Blofella's plan
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was to use the nuclear device
he'd intercepted
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to blow up the city of Las Vegas.
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But that wasn't the only emergency
I was dealing with.
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Yeah, you said everyone in Vegas
wears tuxedos,
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and I'm starting to feel
pretty self-conscious.
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Uh. I didn't say, "Definitely."
I said, "It was my understanding."
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[gasps] Agent Triple-Five. Look!
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[gasps] Blofella. Not on my watch.
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- [grunts]
- [screams]
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- [machine chimes]
- [coins rattle]
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[both panting]
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I-- I can't find my way out.
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Okay. Well, that says
breakfast buffet that way,
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but I'm pretty sure we've seen it twice.
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Ugh.
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[pants] And here we are again
at North Suite Elevators.
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00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:54,515
I don't know. Should we--
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Should we just hit the slot machines
while we're here?
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No! That's why they do this!
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No, no, no. Yeah, no, I get all that. I--
And I hate to hold things up,
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but, I mean, Santana is in his 70s.
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We should probably see him
while we still can.
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[groans]
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00:08:07,403 --> 00:08:08,779
[rock music playing]
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[Peter] I knew one song.
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Son of a bitch!
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There we are. Assembly complete.
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So, again, this would be
an appropriate time
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for you all to please log out of the app.
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[Band] Ha! I got you now.
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[gasps]
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Mr. Band, how did you find me?
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Honestly, I'm on a guided tour
for the movie, The Hangover,
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which ends on the roof.
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Fun fact, gang.
155
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It was actually Zach's idea
to put the sunglasses on the baby.
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Okay, I see everyone staring
at the Mandalay Bay,
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so I'll go ahead and tell you
which window was the shooter's.
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Well, you're too late.
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In a few moments, all of Las Vegas
will be totally wiped off the map.
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[groaning]
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You're a madman. Why are you doing this?
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I need to get out of a very restrictive
time-share deal,
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00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,042
and this is literally the only way out.
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[Peter] There was no time.
165
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,471
So that's when I pulled out
Kylo Ren's lightsaber
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- and knocked Blofella off the roof.
- [Blofella grunts] No!
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[Quagmire] No! No, no, no.
That's cheating.
168
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:23,312
[Joe] Yeah. Also, you got a lightsaber,
and you're just gonna push a guy?
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[thuds]
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00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:29,986
Oh, Triple-Five. You saved my life.
Make love to me right now.
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I'm sorry, Alice. I can't. I'm gay.
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New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.
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Well, that was awesome hearing
about your dream job, Peter.
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00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,671
But I was actually lucky enough
to have my dream job.
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At least until I lost it.
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It all started years ago.
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{\an8}It was the 1980s,
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{\an8}and I was living alone in
a studio apartment with an askew poster
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because bachelors
never hang their posters straight.
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00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,851
[Peter] Yeah, no offense, Quagmire.
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00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:04,854
But I'm gonna listen to this story
the same way I do most podcasts,
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00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:07,106
- at 1.5 speed.
- [audio speed increases]
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00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:10,109
[Quagmire] I put on some weight from being
in an abusive relationship with a woman:
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00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:12,028
- Mama Celeste.
- [speaks Italian]
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00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:13,863
[Peter] All right, okay.
Back-back to normal speed.
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00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,281
I'm in. I'm hooked.
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00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,657
[electronic beeping]
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00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:19,452
[Quagmire] The other thing about living
in the '80s is that, wherever you went,
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00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,204
the actual Pointer Sisters
would follow you around singing.
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00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:27,251
♪ Glenn
You know this man just mailed a bill ♪
191
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,337
♪ To Sprint
It's for his phone ♪
192
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:31,380
♪ A landline phone ♪
193
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,966
[Quagmire] I knew I needed to get
in shape.
194
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:37,720
But the only forms of exercise in the '80s
were roller-skating on a dance floor
195
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:41,057
or lugging around your dead boss
to use his vacation home.
196
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:43,976
Back then, there were two things I liked:
197
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,394
gyrating my pelvis
198
00:10:45,394 --> 00:10:48,689
and putting vowels next to each other
that weren't normally next to each other.
199
00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:51,484
I combined those two loves
to create something called aerobics.
200
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:53,736
Welcome aboard.
201
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,489
Here's your complimentary headband,
two wristbands,
202
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,949
waistband, thigh band, another headband.
203
00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:00,493
[Quagmire] There were a lot of bands.
204
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:03,079
[Peter] Yeah, my finger's hovering
over that 1.5 button.
205
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,665
[Quagmire] Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
So I started teaching classes
206
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:06,749
that same week.
207
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,627
I even created an advanced class
based on how your body moves during sex.
208
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,130
I called it "Sexercise."
209
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:20,763
And things took off immediately.
210
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:24,308
Because I gave 1980s women
exactly what they wanted.
211
00:11:24,308 --> 00:11:26,018
Long flat butts.
212
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:28,312
Come on, ladies. Longer. Flatter.
213
00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:32,608
[Quagmire] My workout program was a hit.
And soon I was ready to take it national.
214
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,527
I was lucky enough
to get the chance to announce
215
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,821
the filming of my video
on The Tonight Show with Johnny.
216
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,198
[Joe] Wow! You met Johnny Carson?
217
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,617
[Quagmire] Actually, that particular
night, there was a guest host,
218
00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:43,869
John Davidson, star of That's Incredible!
219
00:11:43,869 --> 00:11:46,038
So, you know, different Johnny.
But still Johnny.
220
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,708
[Peter] No one has ever called
John Davidson "Johnny."
221
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,335
[Quagmire] He guest-hosted 87 times.
That's not nothing.
222
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:55,798
Anyway, the night's first guest
was Jane Fonda, who was promoting 9 to 5,
223
00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:58,426
by far the "blousiest" movie of the 1980s.
224
00:11:58,426 --> 00:11:59,969
So, Glenn Quagmire.
225
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:03,931
Says here you created
an exercise craze called aerobics.
226
00:12:03,931 --> 00:12:05,391
What inspired that?
227
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,226
Well, Johnny.
228
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,979
One day, as I did jumping jacks alone
in my apartment,
229
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:13,899
I thought, "How can I take the worst parts
of this and put it in a public setting,
230
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:16,777
plus a wall of mirrors
and street-facing windows?"
231
00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:18,571
[Quagmire] The interview seemed to
go great.
232
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,825
But the next day, I realized
how truly ruthless Jane Fonda was.
233
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,038
Now, Mr. Quagmire.
234
00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:30,833
An important part
of releasing a 1980s video
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00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:34,044
is the incredibly depressing
production logo it opens with.
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I have a few here to choose from.
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First, is some vibrating rainbow
text that never quite comes into focus.
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[low synth humming]
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00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,264
Uh-huh, love that.
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00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:49,685
This one is just a large bouncing V
with an ominous keyboard noise.
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[low synth humming]
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Also excellent.
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00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:57,151
Or here's three capital letters
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all spelled with one thick,
continuous line atop a digital horizon.
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[low synth humming]
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00:13:06,243 --> 00:13:08,537
Wow, you can't miss.
Let's go with all three.
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Wait a minute. What's-- What's going on?
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Where are my leg warmers?
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Back then, leg warmers were essential,
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because that was by far
the coldest decade from the knee down.
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Did someone take my leg warmers?
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00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:23,803
In place of my leg warmers,
I found only a single note.
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00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:30,059
At first, I assumed
Jodie Foster had stolen my leg warmers,
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and I was about to go
take it out on the president.
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But then I realized it could only have
been one person intent on sabotaging me,
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Jane Fonda.
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I tried my best to soldier on.
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Okay, don't look at my legs.
And one! And two!
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My calves are tiny and cold.
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And three! And four!
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But I knew, even in the moment,
it was gonna be a disaster.
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[all gasp]
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[Quagmire] I never stood a chance.
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[Jane] Hello, Glenn.
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Sorry you failed.
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But... [chuckles] ...like they say,
all's fair in love and aerobics.
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00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,937
Who? Who says that? Nobody.
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God, now I get why
everyone's racist uncle hates you.
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00:14:17,731 --> 00:14:21,193
Well, it's been nice chatting
but if you'll excuse me,
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I have to go lobby our nation
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about cleaning up the mess
we made in Vietnam.
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[Peter] Sorry,
I went ahead and hit the 8x.
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[Quagmire] No, you-- you-- you did the--
you did the right thing, Peter.
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[low synth humming]
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Well, as far as dream jobs go,
mine's always been to do what you do, Joe.
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To be a cop.
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But, you know, one day short of retirement
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since y'all got such
a nice benefits package.
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00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:58,856
Uh. Well, my dream job
is to do pretty much what I do now
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but be like a loose-cannon-type cop
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who doesn't care whether
he lives or dies but can definitely walk.
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[Cleveland] It was my last day on the job.
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And I'd just taken my last office dump
when I was called into the chief's office.
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00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,458
Morning, sir. You wanted to see me?
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That's right. We've been tracking
a notorious drug cartel
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that's been bringing
tons of cocaine into LA.
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00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:26,508
Yes. Cocaine has been ravaging
the Black community for years.
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00:15:26,508 --> 00:15:29,011
Yeah. Well, some white girl
got a minor nosebleed.
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00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,388
So now I guess it's,
like, a big fricking deal.
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In fact, last night there was a huge bust.
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Wow. How much was it?
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And remember we measure cocaine--
and nothing else-- in only kilos.
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- I don't know, 80 pounds.
- Huh?
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Like 36 kilos.
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Oh, my God!
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That's too much kilos.
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00:15:46,278 --> 00:15:48,447
Oh, I'm also assigning you a new partner.
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00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:52,076
But don't worry, I know you're nearing
retirement and want a stable situation.
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00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,828
So I'm hooking you up
with a guy named Sergeant Maniac.
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How you doing? I'm a crazy wild card
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as indicated
by my only-right-now timely mullet.
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00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,169
Hmm.
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00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,213
You ain't dressed like a police detective.
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00:16:04,213 --> 00:16:06,840
Well, I know we're gonna be running around
chasing bad guys,
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so I wore the tightest jeans I own.
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Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
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Hey, why don't you come on out
to my beachside trailer
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to, uh, discuss the case?
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Sure. Where is it?
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Uh. Not in Malibu. They wouldn't allow it.
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But one of those garbage beaches
further north,
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way past Moonshadows, which is, like,
the perfect place to get drunk
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and tell everybody who's responsible
for all the world's wars.
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{\an8}[Cleveland] I soon realized
my new partner had serious issues.
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{\an8}He didn't care what kind
of dangerous stuff he did.
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{\an8}Hello.
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{\an8}You're calling
from credit card services? Great.
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{\an8}I'll tell you my social security number,
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{\an8}and you tell me
if it matches what you have there.
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Man is insane.
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{\an8}Okay. And now don't laugh
at my mother's maiden name.
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{\an8}It's kind of a goofy one.
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{\an8}Tinkleman.
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00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:00,728
{\an8}Yeah, it's like-- like pee.
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00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,813
{\an8}I thought we were gonna discuss the case.
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00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:04,314
{\an8}Right. I'll be ready in one minute.
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00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:08,152
{\an8}But first, I've been asked to make sure
women come see the movie too.
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[Cleveland] So my crazy partner and I
set out to solve the case
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and began by looking for Leeds,
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which was a somewhat
popular mattress store
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where if you said
you were a potential customer,
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they'd let you take a nap
in the middle of the day.
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00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:29,840
Sorry, guys,
my manager says you have to leave.
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00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:33,302
Leave? But my partner and I
are trying out this queen bed.
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00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,511
[giggles]
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00:17:34,511 --> 00:17:35,888
What are you giggling at?
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We're partners on the police force.
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This guy's wearing jeans
with no underwear.
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Yeah, you're cops.
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00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,686
Sure.
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00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,941
You guys are no closer to figuring out
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who's responsible
for bringing in all this cocaine.
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00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:51,737
I got a pretty good idea.
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00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:55,115
Have you checked
Temple Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood?
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It's also where they control
the weather and the Oscars.
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00:17:58,118 --> 00:18:00,287
That's it. You guys are off the case.
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00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,583
[Cleveland] Since we'd been
thrown off the case,
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I thought it'd be nice
to invite my partner over
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for a home-cooked meal.
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00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:11,006
Huh. You don't have a pitcher of iced tea?
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00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:14,051
I thought every Black family dinner
had a pitcher of iced tea.
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00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:17,721
We do have a picture of Ice T,
right up there on the wall.
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[dispatcher] Attention, all units.
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Be advised of a possible drug deal
at the dock.
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00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,811
- That's not far from here.
- No way.
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00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,521
We were taken off that case.
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00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:28,649
Yeah, but we can be there
before even the closest patrol car.
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00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,002
There, look!
Quick, pull over and let me out.
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00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:51,338
- What?
- I'm gonna run the rest of the way.
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00:18:51,338 --> 00:18:54,550
- I assure you the car will be faster.
- See you there.
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[grunts]
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00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,142
[panting]
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00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,562
[grunts, panting]
364
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,230
Been waiting here for six minutes.
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00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,524
Okay. Okay. Okay.
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00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:13,652
So six-minute mile.
Not bad for jeans and no underpants.
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00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:16,196
You got any glove-box Vaseline in there?
368
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,827
It's the chief. What the hell?
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00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:34,298
The chief has been the mastermind
of the cocaine cartel all along.
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00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:37,467
That might explain
why he always calls me at 3:00 a.m.
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00:19:37,467 --> 00:19:39,636
with screenplay ideas.
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00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,013
[phone ringing]
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00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,809
- [groans] Hello?
- [Chief Carter] Okay, hear me out.
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00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:48,437
It's Die Hard but in a building.
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00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:50,647
Die Hard is in a building.
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00:19:50,647 --> 00:19:54,401
[Chief Carter] Hmm, I don't know. Here,
listen to me watch it, and we'll find out.
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00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,486
["20th Century Fox Fanfare" playing]
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00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,078
[both grunt]
379
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:06,788
[grunts]
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00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:10,834
[grunts]
381
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:13,921
Give it up.
You guys can't arrest me anyway.
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00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:17,174
I have diplomatic immunity.
383
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:20,093
- You do?
- On what basis?
384
00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:22,262
Yeah. I'm a citizen of Margaritaville.
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00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:25,098
I even have this hat
from a recent vacation to prove it.
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00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:27,935
[growls] Too bad.
387
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:31,313
Your diplomatic immunity's
just been revoked.
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00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:33,106
[grunts]
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00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:40,364
The officer's actions, while illegal,
were justified by a snappy line.
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00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:41,531
Movie over.
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00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:43,659
[low synth humming]
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00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,912
[Quagmire] I was also a producer
on this project.