1 00:00:01,243 --> 00:00:05,153 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:07,840 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,991 --> 00:00:11,235 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,253 --> 00:00:14,329 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:18,091 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,411 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:23,022 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,098 --> 00:00:24,414 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,433 --> 00:00:30,279 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:35,701 So, Brian's checkup went very well. 11 00:00:35,928 --> 00:00:38,686 He only bit me eight times while I tried to brush his teeth. 12 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:41,856 Wonderful. And does he have the red, hairless undercarriage 13 00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,600 -of an older dog? -He sure does. 14 00:00:43,619 --> 00:00:46,045 He's the Jason Alexander of hairless scroti. 15 00:00:46,196 --> 00:00:47,621 And you know, if you're interested, 16 00:00:47,773 --> 00:00:49,381 we're doing a 50% off promotion 17 00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:51,366 on our new, state-of-the-art tracking chip. 18 00:00:51,443 --> 00:00:54,278 It connects to an app that will monitor Brian's vitals 19 00:00:54,296 --> 00:00:55,796 and even has a Bluetooth speaker 20 00:00:55,890 --> 00:00:57,281 so you can play songs through him. 21 00:00:57,283 --> 00:00:58,799 Awesome! I'm gonna blast Ed Sheeran 22 00:00:58,951 --> 00:01:00,133 right through his stomach. 23 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:03,062 That'll really showcase my milquetoast personality 24 00:01:03,213 --> 00:01:04,879 and lack of masculine vigor. 25 00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,214 Great. I'll introduce you to our nurse 26 00:01:06,292 --> 00:01:07,048 who handles the procedure. 27 00:01:07,068 --> 00:01:08,567 Hi, I'm Emma. 28 00:01:08,718 --> 00:01:10,644 And don't worry, I'm wearing scrubs that hide my tattoos 29 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:11,978 to give you confidence. 30 00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:14,815 Terrific. And now, like in every hospital situation, 31 00:01:14,967 --> 00:01:17,242 I'll depart and a woman will do the actual work. 32 00:01:19,563 --> 00:01:21,205 Okay, we're almost done. 33 00:01:22,566 --> 00:01:24,065 And you're all set. 34 00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:25,417 [music playing faintly] 35 00:01:25,569 --> 00:01:27,811 [Peter] Yeah! Playin' Ed Sheeran through my dog! 36 00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:29,146 I'm like a cool dentist! 37 00:01:29,164 --> 00:01:31,481 Wow, I barely felt that. You're very gentle. 38 00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:33,483 [chuckles] Thanks. I love animals. 39 00:01:33,577 --> 00:01:35,001 It's why I do this. 40 00:01:35,154 --> 00:01:38,155 I even pride myself on being able to find every dog's spot, 41 00:01:38,248 --> 00:01:39,431 right behind the ears. 42 00:01:39,583 --> 00:01:41,825 Well, maybe you can find mine sometime. 43 00:01:41,844 --> 00:01:43,418 I'd be tempted to ask you to coffee, 44 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,679 but I'm sure a girl like you is already seeing someone. 45 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,848 I wish. Guys don't want a girlfriend 46 00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:49,775 who comes home smelling like dog pee. 47 00:01:49,926 --> 00:01:51,276 I'm practically a fire hydrant. 48 00:01:51,428 --> 00:01:53,612 Is-is, uh, is, uh, is that right? 49 00:01:53,763 --> 00:01:56,173 Yeah, and my car's so filthy. 50 00:01:56,266 --> 00:01:57,932 I need someone to stick their head out the window 51 00:01:58,026 --> 00:01:59,100 to help navigate. 52 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,285 H-Head-- head out the window? 53 00:02:00,512 --> 00:02:03,029 To be honest, all I like to do is play tennis, 54 00:02:03,182 --> 00:02:04,456 but I'm not even that good. 55 00:02:04,533 --> 00:02:06,291 I keep hitting the balls over the fence 56 00:02:06,443 --> 00:02:07,868 and have no one to retrieve them-- 57 00:02:08,020 --> 00:02:10,278 Hey, hey, babe? Babe? I'm in. 58 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:13,023 Well, I'm going to a concert this Friday. 59 00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,025 Want to come? It's at Quahog Church. 60 00:02:15,043 --> 00:02:18,028 Church? So, is it, uh, Christian rock? 61 00:02:18,046 --> 00:02:20,121 Yeah. I'm an evangelical Christian. 62 00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:21,365 Is that a problem? 63 00:02:21,383 --> 00:02:23,124 Well, I-I'm not really a big fan of-- 64 00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:24,125 There's your spot. 65 00:02:24,145 --> 00:02:29,690 [announcer] ¡Gol! 66 00:02:33,970 --> 00:02:36,655 Sorry, I interrupted you. You were saying? 67 00:02:36,806 --> 00:02:40,659 I-I-- why, just that I'm not a big fan of anything, but Jesus! 68 00:02:40,810 --> 00:02:42,161 He's the best! [chuckles] 69 00:02:42,312 --> 00:02:44,496 Well, him and whoever fired Bob Barker. 70 00:02:44,648 --> 00:02:45,813 Neuter yourself, dick. 71 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,391 I know, what a jerk. 72 00:02:47,409 --> 00:02:49,726 Wasn't he also accused of sexual harassment? 73 00:02:49,745 --> 00:02:50,818 Yeah, yeah, yeah... 74 00:02:50,913 --> 00:02:53,505 The dog stuff though, you know, come on. 75 00:02:56,568 --> 00:02:59,403 [TV announcer] We now return to The Italian Tony Awards. 76 00:02:59,496 --> 00:03:01,922 Hey, I'm Tony, and for the 30th year in a row, 77 00:03:01,998 --> 00:03:05,184 the best musical is the only one that I've seen, Cats. 78 00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:06,167 [audience member] Hey, you hear that? 79 00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:07,761 Tony likes a musical. 80 00:03:07,913 --> 00:03:09,504 Eh, pipe down, boombots. 81 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,690 Everybody knows in high school you had an earring. 82 00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:13,841 All right, I'm going out. I'll see you guys later. 83 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,528 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. W-What's that around your neck? 84 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:21,867 Well, I, uh, I may have a date with a Christian girl. 85 00:03:22,018 --> 00:03:24,110 Huh. Must be hard for you not to bite 86 00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:25,946 what's essentially two crossed sticks. 87 00:03:26,114 --> 00:03:27,039 Oh, my God, it's so hard. 88 00:03:27,266 --> 00:03:28,448 It's literally all I can think about. 89 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,434 But I-I really like this girl, you know? 90 00:03:30,527 --> 00:03:32,044 She's perfect in every other way. 91 00:03:32,195 --> 00:03:33,437 I don't know, Bri. You really think 92 00:03:33,455 --> 00:03:35,547 you can convince her you're Christian? 93 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,884 Oh, you're good. 94 00:03:39,035 --> 00:03:41,220 [band playing] 95 00:03:43,632 --> 00:03:47,893 Hello, evangelicals! Who out there is boring? 96 00:03:48,044 --> 00:03:49,210 We are! 97 00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:51,379 That's right! And before we start, 98 00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:52,973 I'd like to say a special hello 99 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:55,125 to our only Black audience member, 100 00:03:55,218 --> 00:03:56,384 who's in the front row, 101 00:03:56,478 --> 00:03:59,529 so he's caught on all the camera shots. 102 00:04:01,391 --> 00:04:03,633 Wow. Look at all our diversity. 103 00:04:03,652 --> 00:04:06,319 Can you believe most people think us evangelicals 104 00:04:06,472 --> 00:04:07,913 are a bunch of nerdy losers? 105 00:04:08,064 --> 00:04:09,581 No. Come on. 106 00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:11,065 Seriously, it's true. 107 00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:13,643 Hey, I-I don't normally do this, 108 00:04:13,662 --> 00:04:16,813 but what do you say we go back to my place after this 109 00:04:16,906 --> 00:04:18,740 and get a little crazy? 110 00:04:18,834 --> 00:04:20,333 -Really? -Yeah. 111 00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,837 We'll eat sherbet and watch funny State Farm commercials. 112 00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,914 Uh, okay, and, and then we'll have sex? 113 00:04:27,009 --> 00:04:29,175 Sex? Brian, I'm Christian. 114 00:04:29,328 --> 00:04:31,753 And no good Christian believes in sex before marriage, 115 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,164 except for every minister or politician you've ever heard of. 116 00:04:34,257 --> 00:04:37,517 But-but you scratched my spot. Y-You have tattoos. 117 00:04:37,669 --> 00:04:39,987 Yeah. Of Bible verses. 118 00:04:42,098 --> 00:04:43,949 [sighs] Brian, I think you should leave. 119 00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:45,117 Well, fine. And frankly, 120 00:04:45,268 --> 00:04:47,119 I've been wanting to do this all night. 121 00:04:48,013 --> 00:04:49,513 -My Jesus! Mine! -[gasping] 122 00:04:49,531 --> 00:04:52,182 Hey, you can't do that to our savior. 123 00:04:52,275 --> 00:04:55,711 -[growling] -Okay, okay, your savior. Your savior. 124 00:04:58,540 --> 00:05:00,966 [announcer] We now return to a show about incest. 125 00:05:01,193 --> 00:05:03,043 -Gross. -Set 500 years ago. 126 00:05:03,119 --> 00:05:05,712 Ooh, sexy. I feel so sophisticated. 127 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,047 Christianity sucks. 128 00:05:07,141 --> 00:05:09,141 It's stupid, arbitrary nonsense. 129 00:05:09,292 --> 00:05:10,976 You're horny and she wouldn't have sex with you. 130 00:05:11,127 --> 00:05:12,644 No. And I did everything right. 131 00:05:12,871 --> 00:05:13,961 I even researched abortion clinics 132 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,129 in case the condom broke. 133 00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:17,357 Yeah, no, I know. It's in your Twitter bio. 134 00:05:21,137 --> 00:05:22,470 Fine, but look around. 135 00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:24,881 So much of the division and hatred in today's society 136 00:05:24,974 --> 00:05:27,567 comes from Christianity. And it's so hypocritical. 137 00:05:27,719 --> 00:05:29,719 I mean, they all vote for Trump, even though he's divorced. 138 00:05:29,888 --> 00:05:31,071 That's all you've got on Trump? 139 00:05:31,223 --> 00:05:34,240 Christianity is also anti-science, anti-freedom-- 140 00:05:34,393 --> 00:05:35,742 Come on, it's not all bad. 141 00:05:35,878 --> 00:05:39,171 I mean, I have a Swarthy Men of Nazareth advent calendar 142 00:05:39,398 --> 00:05:41,898 with doors opening for all 25 days. 143 00:05:41,991 --> 00:05:44,676 Talk about the "stars" of Bethlehem, hey, Bri? 144 00:05:44,828 --> 00:05:46,586 Whatever. Christianity is the worst thing 145 00:05:46,738 --> 00:05:48,996 that ever happened to this country. Or the world. 146 00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:51,183 Well, perhaps. But it's been around for 2,000 years, 147 00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:53,518 so it's not like there's anything you can do about it. 148 00:05:53,745 --> 00:05:54,744 Well, I'm going to bed. 149 00:05:54,838 --> 00:05:56,021 I'll leave you to watch John Oliver 150 00:05:56,172 --> 00:05:57,522 and agree with yourself. 151 00:05:57,749 --> 00:06:00,675 Good. Love John Oliver. He's a louder Jon Stewart. 152 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:04,754 [John Oliver] Blimey, guv'na. Republicans are bollocks. 153 00:06:04,756 --> 00:06:06,198 God, the British are smart. 154 00:06:06,425 --> 00:06:09,259 But, man, if only I could get rid of Christianity. 155 00:06:09,277 --> 00:06:10,427 If only I could go back in time 156 00:06:10,445 --> 00:06:12,612 and stop it from ever taking root. 157 00:06:12,764 --> 00:06:14,598 Wait a minute, I can. 158 00:06:14,616 --> 00:06:15,874 [thunder crashing] 159 00:06:16,025 --> 00:06:17,450 [West] Sounds like Brian is fixin' 160 00:06:17,603 --> 00:06:19,360 to use Stewie's time machine. 161 00:06:19,454 --> 00:06:21,195 [sped up] I'm Mayor West, and my voice was sped up 162 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:22,964 because the show ran too long. 163 00:06:35,137 --> 00:06:36,636 [beeps] 164 00:06:36,788 --> 00:06:38,897 [computer voice] This time machine is password-protected. 165 00:06:39,048 --> 00:06:40,715 To enter, state name. 166 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,734 Uh, uh, Stewie Griffin. 167 00:06:42,961 --> 00:06:44,794 To prove you're Stewie Griffin, 168 00:06:44,813 --> 00:06:46,646 what is your favorite Lizzo song? 169 00:06:46,723 --> 00:06:49,816 Uh, the one about pride and, uh, 170 00:06:49,968 --> 00:06:52,135 being a... a-a big girl? 171 00:06:52,228 --> 00:06:53,495 -Correct. -[chimes] 172 00:06:55,490 --> 00:06:57,624 [beeping rapidly] 173 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,083 Perfect. Ancient Israel. 174 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,085 ♪ And I know my worth... ♪ 175 00:07:18,180 --> 00:07:19,496 What the hell? 176 00:07:19,589 --> 00:07:20,680 Has anyone seen Brian? 177 00:07:20,832 --> 00:07:22,256 I want to shred it to Lizzo. 178 00:07:22,350 --> 00:07:24,000 Oh, yeah, I'm that bitch. 179 00:07:24,093 --> 00:07:26,594 -♪ Am I ready? ♪ -♪ Ready to go ♪ 180 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,612 ♪ Am I ready? ♪ 181 00:07:35,530 --> 00:07:38,181 Uh, excuse me? I-I'm looking for a rail-thin guy 182 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,975 with long hair and sandals. 183 00:07:39,977 --> 00:07:42,443 Buddy, you're gonna have to be more specific. 184 00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:44,871 Uh, his name is Jesus. Jesus Christ. 185 00:07:45,023 --> 00:07:48,041 You mean the guy who showed his wiener on a dare at camp? 186 00:07:48,193 --> 00:07:50,117 Tha-That's-that's what he's known for? 187 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,954 Yeah, he lives about M-M-L-X-V-I paces that way. 188 00:07:53,031 --> 00:07:54,531 -What? -Don't listen to him. 189 00:07:54,624 --> 00:07:57,550 He's Roman. I'm Egyptian, and I can tell you, 190 00:07:57,703 --> 00:08:01,796 Jesus lives four cat heads and three squiggly lines that way. 191 00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:03,389 No, no, no, these guys are jokers. 192 00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:06,710 I'm Greek, and I can tell you he's 30 thetas that way. 193 00:08:06,728 --> 00:08:08,320 You go 31 thetas, you stop, 194 00:08:08,471 --> 00:08:10,572 because that's too many thetas. 195 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,975 -Brian, there you are. -Stewie? 196 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,077 -How the hell did you find me? -You're chipped. 197 00:08:17,556 --> 00:08:18,888 Wow, that's a good chip. 198 00:08:18,907 --> 00:08:21,166 Look, I'm sorry I used the time machine without asking, 199 00:08:21,393 --> 00:08:24,169 but I came here to stop Jesus from starting Christianity. 200 00:08:24,396 --> 00:08:25,912 What? Come on, you know the rules. 201 00:08:26,064 --> 00:08:27,339 You can't change the past. 202 00:08:27,566 --> 00:08:29,174 Even the smallest interaction with someone 203 00:08:29,325 --> 00:08:30,825 from another time period can alter-- 204 00:08:30,902 --> 00:08:33,570 Oh, my God, that's December 8th from the calendar! 205 00:08:33,663 --> 00:08:34,829 I have to interact with him. 206 00:08:34,923 --> 00:08:36,589 I thought you said we couldn't change the past. 207 00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:38,183 Uh, yeah, just try to keep it close, all right? 208 00:08:38,334 --> 00:08:40,243 Just keep it close, Bri. You got this. 209 00:08:40,262 --> 00:08:42,062 You got this. I trust you, bro. 210 00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:48,935 "Spicy meatball delights patron." 211 00:08:49,104 --> 00:08:51,988 Ugh, no one reports real news anymore. 212 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,941 All right, found you. 213 00:08:55,093 --> 00:08:57,452 Now it's time to take you down. 214 00:09:00,115 --> 00:09:02,282 Behold. As my wedding gift, 215 00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:05,377 I turn this water into wine. 216 00:09:05,528 --> 00:09:07,103 [cheering] 217 00:09:07,105 --> 00:09:08,621 -All right! -Amazing! 218 00:09:08,774 --> 00:09:11,216 And I brought hard seltzer and a photo booth. 219 00:09:11,443 --> 00:09:13,034 -[cheering] -Yeah, that's even better! 220 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,627 Hard seltzer has less calories. 221 00:09:14,704 --> 00:09:17,538 And now there's an activity for people who don't like to dance. 222 00:09:17,632 --> 00:09:21,375 Then, uh, I-I also brought a guest book, 223 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,728 so everyone can leave a fun note 224 00:09:23,838 --> 00:09:25,438 for the bride and groom. 225 00:09:26,975 --> 00:09:29,526 Okay, fine, a photo booth is better. 226 00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:37,984 Blessed are the poor in spirit, 227 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,911 for theirs is the kingdom of heaven-- 228 00:09:40,063 --> 00:09:40,912 [Brian] Hey, Jesus. 229 00:09:41,064 --> 00:09:42,581 Nice mount. 230 00:09:42,732 --> 00:09:45,308 He's on a higher hill, which shows more confidence. 231 00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:47,977 You again? What the hell is your problem? 232 00:09:47,996 --> 00:09:49,495 Me? What the hell is your problem? 233 00:09:49,664 --> 00:09:51,906 You're always telling everyone what to do and think. 234 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,407 You think I want to do this stuff? 235 00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:55,985 I only do it because my dad makes me. 236 00:09:56,004 --> 00:09:57,670 Wait, Joseph makes you do this? 237 00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,322 No, my real dad. 238 00:09:59,415 --> 00:10:02,158 When I was younger, Joseph took a paternity test. 239 00:10:02,327 --> 00:10:05,586 We have the results, and, Joseph, 240 00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,272 you are not the father. 241 00:10:07,423 --> 00:10:10,850 Yes! Yes! Yes! I knew it! I knew it! 242 00:10:11,002 --> 00:10:14,279 [audience] Maury! Maury! Maury! 243 00:10:18,434 --> 00:10:22,120 So, anyway, yeah, all this messiah stuff is my dad's thing. 244 00:10:22,271 --> 00:10:25,014 Hi, I have a hummus plate for Jesus? 245 00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:26,516 Oh, cool. 246 00:10:26,534 --> 00:10:29,127 Okay, I guess it's for both of us. 247 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:32,021 Well, if you don't want to be a messiah, what do you want to do? 248 00:10:32,023 --> 00:10:34,691 Honestly, I want to be a stand-up comedian. 249 00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:37,502 -Really? -Yeah. Like my friend Jackie the Mason 250 00:10:37,654 --> 00:10:40,621 or Lewis the Blacksmith or Chris the Rock-Piler. 251 00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,475 You know, we can ask for another menu if-- 252 00:10:43,626 --> 00:10:44,976 Yeah, I'm not that hungry. 253 00:10:45,203 --> 00:10:47,145 So, why didn't you do comedy, then? 254 00:10:47,296 --> 00:10:48,872 I guess I never had the confidence. 255 00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:50,482 I couldn't even come up with jokes. 256 00:10:50,709 --> 00:10:54,301 -[sneezes] -Yikes. Check out Julius Sneezer over there. 257 00:10:54,396 --> 00:10:55,320 Ha! Totally. 258 00:10:55,547 --> 00:10:56,804 Hey, you know, that's pretty funny. 259 00:10:56,898 --> 00:10:58,490 What was? That comment? 260 00:10:58,717 --> 00:10:59,491 [farts] 261 00:10:59,718 --> 00:11:01,475 Whoa. Who Sepharted? 262 00:11:01,569 --> 00:11:04,496 Ha! Hey, you know, I think you should give comedy another shot. 263 00:11:04,723 --> 00:11:07,223 Come on, does anyone really want to watch a Jewish guy 264 00:11:07,242 --> 00:11:09,167 make snarky observations? 265 00:11:09,394 --> 00:11:12,412 I-I think, uh, that a lot of people would enjoy that, yes. 266 00:11:12,564 --> 00:11:15,322 Huh. Then maybe I should try comedy again. 267 00:11:15,491 --> 00:11:18,009 Only thing is, I'd have to talk to my dad. 268 00:11:22,257 --> 00:11:23,682 ♪ ♪ 269 00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:26,576 Wow, I went to a party in this city called Sodom. 270 00:11:26,636 --> 00:11:28,912 Have you heard of this place? [whistles] 271 00:11:28,930 --> 00:11:30,096 So, how's your plan going? 272 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,839 Uh, not great so far. 273 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,082 A comedian? 274 00:11:33,101 --> 00:11:34,584 How could you do this to your mother? 275 00:11:34,677 --> 00:11:35,843 -[sobbing] -What's next? 276 00:11:36,012 --> 00:11:37,937 You don't want to marry your very close cousin? 277 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,014 Of course not. In fact, right now 278 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,942 I'm weirdly seeing a prostitute with the same name as Mom. 279 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,444 [sobbing] 280 00:11:44,538 --> 00:11:47,021 Come on, Dad, comedy is my dream. 281 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,098 Well, why couldn't you have told me about your dream 282 00:11:49,117 --> 00:11:50,934 before I paid for ancient Brandeis? 283 00:11:50,936 --> 00:11:52,268 You made me go there. 284 00:11:52,287 --> 00:11:54,528 You know, nothing I do is ever good enough for you. 285 00:11:54,622 --> 00:11:56,456 Why don't you just say it? You hate me. 286 00:11:56,608 --> 00:11:58,699 And you wish I had died in the Punic Wars 287 00:11:58,793 --> 00:12:00,343 instead of my brother Greg. 288 00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,871 That's not true! I love you both equally! 289 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,056 Then why won't you touch his room? 290 00:12:05,283 --> 00:12:06,632 You stay out of Greg's room! 291 00:12:06,785 --> 00:12:08,209 I have to do something. 292 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:10,544 It's God. How could you possibly change his mind? 293 00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:13,064 You will never do stand-up comedy. I forbid it. 294 00:12:13,216 --> 00:12:14,548 ["Danny's Song" by Loggins and Messina playing] 295 00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,568 Wait. What's that sound? 296 00:12:16,719 --> 00:12:21,222 ♪ People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one ♪ 297 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:25,151 ♪ And we've just begun ♪ 298 00:12:25,303 --> 00:12:27,320 ♪ Think I'm gonna have a son... ♪ 299 00:12:27,489 --> 00:12:29,305 That's really good sound quality. 300 00:12:29,324 --> 00:12:31,416 -Yeah, it's the new iPhone. -You got a new one? 301 00:12:31,567 --> 00:12:34,419 We agreed to update at the end of the year, as Christmas gifts. 302 00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:36,646 Well, I was in the mall and I saw a promotion. 303 00:12:36,739 --> 00:12:38,314 You didn't tell me about this promotion. 304 00:12:38,333 --> 00:12:39,999 Oh, I-I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had to tell you 305 00:12:40,151 --> 00:12:41,909 every [bleep] thought that comes into my head. 306 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,078 Okay, there we go, Brian makes a mistake, 307 00:12:44,247 --> 00:12:46,990 so instead of apologizing, he lashes out with hostility. 308 00:12:47,008 --> 00:12:49,416 And Stewie's a victim. There's a big surprise. 309 00:12:49,511 --> 00:12:51,661 I'm a victim because you constantly screw me over. 310 00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:54,163 You know what? Now I wish I hadn't even played this song. 311 00:12:54,182 --> 00:12:55,832 I wish I hadn't even come back in time. 312 00:12:56,001 --> 00:12:57,016 Because I can't do anything 313 00:12:57,168 --> 00:12:58,684 without you making it about yourself. 314 00:12:58,853 --> 00:13:00,094 God, I regret our friendship. 315 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,521 You are a catastrophe of a human. 316 00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:03,097 Oh, hey, they made up. 317 00:13:03,174 --> 00:13:09,496 ♪ Tell me everything's gonna be all right. ♪ 318 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,003 [trumpets blaring] 319 00:13:21,617 --> 00:13:23,543 Well, it's great to be here in Rome, folks. 320 00:13:23,695 --> 00:13:26,453 Uh, you know, I heard that the, uh, Roman Senate 321 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:29,048 just voted to build more cobblestone streets. 322 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,701 Great. Do my balls get a vote? 323 00:13:31,794 --> 00:13:33,369 [laughter] 324 00:13:33,371 --> 00:13:36,722 And how about that Caesar, huh? Gotta love Caesar. 325 00:13:36,875 --> 00:13:38,483 Great salad, great haircut, 326 00:13:38,710 --> 00:13:40,726 and loves cutting women's bellies open. 327 00:13:40,879 --> 00:13:42,045 [laughter] 328 00:13:42,063 --> 00:13:44,047 Look at him there, in the Caesarian section. 329 00:13:44,140 --> 00:13:45,490 They're laughing their ass off. 330 00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:47,325 I do. I do love that. 331 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,552 And you know what they say, "When in Rome." 332 00:13:49,571 --> 00:13:52,330 Well, based on my one day here so far, 333 00:13:52,481 --> 00:13:55,908 I guess that means I should be pooping in the street. 334 00:13:56,061 --> 00:13:58,670 He's right. That is a problem here. 335 00:13:58,821 --> 00:14:01,914 But seriously, folks, Rome sure beats anywhere else. 336 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,583 You guys follow politics? 337 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,327 'Cause it seems like they've made a real mess of Potamia. 338 00:14:06,495 --> 00:14:08,996 [laughter] 339 00:14:09,165 --> 00:14:12,183 But don't fret, folks, it's not all bad news out there. 340 00:14:12,293 --> 00:14:14,561 You know how there are seven wonders of the world? 341 00:14:14,670 --> 00:14:16,262 Well, turns out they just found an eighth. 342 00:14:16,414 --> 00:14:19,415 A Galatian who paid his bar tab. 343 00:14:19,417 --> 00:14:21,025 -[laughter] -Galatia is our rival. 344 00:14:21,177 --> 00:14:22,919 But enough about politics. 345 00:14:23,012 --> 00:14:24,937 Let me tell you a little bit about me. 346 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:27,365 So, my dad's God. 347 00:14:27,592 --> 00:14:28,257 [crowd cheering] 348 00:14:28,351 --> 00:14:29,759 Thank you, thank you. 349 00:14:29,777 --> 00:14:32,945 And growing up, he taught me all about carpentry. Yeah. 350 00:14:33,098 --> 00:14:34,873 Uh, I guess he thought teenage boys 351 00:14:35,024 --> 00:14:37,709 should spend more time rubbing wood. 352 00:14:37,860 --> 00:14:39,026 [crowd laughs] 353 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,045 And my mom's a virgin. 354 00:14:41,272 --> 00:14:42,529 That's fun. Uh, yeah, 355 00:14:42,607 --> 00:14:45,383 when I was a teenager, I had to give her the talk. 356 00:14:45,610 --> 00:14:46,718 [crowd laughs] 357 00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:51,130 [cheering] 358 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,465 Wow, he's killing it. 359 00:14:52,617 --> 00:14:54,392 Yeah, I bet he plays everywhere now. 360 00:14:54,543 --> 00:14:55,602 He's gonna be huge. 361 00:14:59,457 --> 00:15:00,973 -What happened? -He told a joke 362 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,067 about Assyrians on a college campus. 363 00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:04,569 Oh, yeah, you can't do that anymore. 364 00:15:04,796 --> 00:15:07,071 This first millennial generation is very sensitive. 365 00:15:07,298 --> 00:15:08,981 -Clearly. -All right, don't make it obvious, 366 00:15:09,134 --> 00:15:10,992 but get a picture of me with him. 367 00:15:12,095 --> 00:15:13,653 -Do one more. -Stewie, we're done. 368 00:15:13,805 --> 00:15:15,729 Mission accomplished and Christianity never happened, 369 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,750 so I'm pretty sure the present will be just how I want it. 370 00:15:18,826 --> 00:15:20,192 [Peter] Hi, Peter here. 371 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,253 If you've seen our time travel episodes before, 372 00:15:22,405 --> 00:15:23,996 you know that can't possibly be the case. 373 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,407 I can't tell you what's going to happen, though, 374 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,000 because the network needs you to stick around 375 00:15:28,153 --> 00:15:29,335 through the Del Taco ads. 376 00:15:29,487 --> 00:15:30,744 You know, if you bought all the ingredients 377 00:15:30,913 --> 00:15:33,431 for tacos yourself, it would cost like 40 bucks, 378 00:15:33,582 --> 00:15:36,309 but somehow, at Del Taco, you can buy one for 80 cents. 379 00:15:53,861 --> 00:15:55,286 -Damn it. -What? What's wrong? 380 00:15:55,513 --> 00:15:57,196 Every time I enter into a new reality, 381 00:15:57,365 --> 00:15:59,348 I'm hoping my room has wainscoting. 382 00:15:59,517 --> 00:16:01,108 [sighs] But I guess it's more boring, 383 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,419 single-textured walls for Stewie. 384 00:16:05,948 --> 00:16:08,024 Wow, so far, without Christianity, 385 00:16:08,193 --> 00:16:09,375 everything looks the same. 386 00:16:10,378 --> 00:16:12,545 Morning, Brian. Hey, where's your yarmulke? 387 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,863 Uh, what? 388 00:16:13,881 --> 00:16:15,122 Morning, Doctor Son. 389 00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,641 Morning, Doctor Dad. 390 00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:18,034 Morning, Doctor Wife. 391 00:16:18,052 --> 00:16:19,719 Morning, Doctor Husband. 392 00:16:19,871 --> 00:16:21,370 Oh, my God. They're all Jewish. 393 00:16:21,389 --> 00:16:24,040 Whoa. Listen to your tone. 394 00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:25,391 No, no, no. No tone at all. 395 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:27,409 Because Christianity never happened, 396 00:16:27,411 --> 00:16:29,045 Judaism became the dominant faith, 397 00:16:29,063 --> 00:16:30,880 and I have zero problem with that. 398 00:16:30,898 --> 00:16:32,231 Why, do you have a problem? 399 00:16:32,383 --> 00:16:33,974 No, I don't have a problem. Far from it. 400 00:16:33,994 --> 00:16:36,643 What the yidle-diddle-diddle- didle-deuce? 401 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:40,406 Well, I'm off to school in my regular-star necklace. 402 00:16:40,558 --> 00:16:41,332 I'm leaving, too. 403 00:16:41,484 --> 00:16:43,726 Mom, Dad, I need some new clothes. 404 00:16:43,745 --> 00:16:44,894 Is it okay if I stop at 405 00:16:45,063 --> 00:16:46,912 Ross Dress for the Same Price as Everywhere Else? 406 00:16:47,065 --> 00:16:48,914 Of course, honey. Ooh, and maybe tonight 407 00:16:49,083 --> 00:16:51,083 we can all go see that new movie starring 408 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:54,328 Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller and half of Scarlett Johansson. 409 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,830 Huh. So, you think everyone is Jewish now? 410 00:16:56,999 --> 00:16:59,166 Morning, Griffins. It's me, your neighbor, 411 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:01,185 Sammy Davis Brown Jr. 412 00:17:01,412 --> 00:17:02,503 I suppose so. 413 00:17:02,597 --> 00:17:05,248 Wow, I guess a lot of history has changed now. 414 00:17:05,266 --> 00:17:07,341 No World War II, no conflict in the Middle East. 415 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:09,252 Hell, there was even a Jewish Columbus. 416 00:17:09,345 --> 00:17:12,530 We did it. We discovered New York, Miami, 417 00:17:12,757 --> 00:17:13,923 and Filene's Basement. 418 00:17:13,941 --> 00:17:15,033 [all] Yay! 419 00:17:15,184 --> 00:17:17,493 [chanting] Slacks, slacks, slacks, slacks! 420 00:17:21,599 --> 00:17:23,541 Lot more sweater shops in this reality. 421 00:17:23,768 --> 00:17:26,693 Yeah, and there's a billboard for The Normal Mrs. Maisel. 422 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,254 Ah, here we are. 423 00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:34,293 Shalom, Brian. 424 00:17:34,370 --> 00:17:37,204 Boy, this town has good medical care. 425 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,872 Are you sure I'm allowed to be in here? 426 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,283 Yeah, without Christianity, 427 00:17:40,301 --> 00:17:42,376 there are no arbitrary rules about age limits. 428 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,062 Hey, you guys hear the new joke? 429 00:17:44,138 --> 00:17:46,880 A rabbi, a rabbi, and a rabbi walk into a bar 430 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,549 and split a seltzer. 431 00:17:48,643 --> 00:17:50,459 It's free refills. 432 00:17:50,553 --> 00:17:52,812 Why pay for three? 433 00:17:53,815 --> 00:17:55,907 All right, what does everyone want to hear on the jukebox? 434 00:17:56,058 --> 00:17:57,650 They've got "Sweet Caroline," 435 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:58,818 "Sweet Caroline Remix," 436 00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,803 and "Sweet Caroline A Cappella." 437 00:18:00,822 --> 00:18:02,563 Shalom, boys. 438 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,490 Uh, shalom. How are you? 439 00:18:04,567 --> 00:18:06,976 Not good. I'm allergic to my horse. 440 00:18:06,994 --> 00:18:08,235 Hey, Bri, I got the remote. 441 00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:09,921 Let's see what television is like. 442 00:18:10,148 --> 00:18:11,997 [TV announcer] And now, the Channel Five News, 443 00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,575 brought to you by Kentucky Boiled Chicken. 444 00:18:14,669 --> 00:18:16,319 Kentucky Boiled Chicken: 445 00:18:16,321 --> 00:18:19,263 all herbs, no spices 'cause you already burp enough. 446 00:18:19,415 --> 00:18:20,840 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker 447 00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,433 and welcome to Channel Five, 448 00:18:22,660 --> 00:18:25,586 where, as always, 80% of our news is the weather. 449 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,088 But first, with sports, here's my brother Lenny, 450 00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,849 who my mom forced me to hire. 451 00:18:30,001 --> 00:18:31,167 I-I'm sorry, Tom, 452 00:18:31,185 --> 00:18:32,443 I didn't have time to check the scores. 453 00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:35,279 Well, there's a friggin' shocker, folks. 454 00:18:39,193 --> 00:18:40,601 [in deep voice] Afternoon, Brian. 455 00:18:40,678 --> 00:18:43,121 Hey, Mort. Uh, why is your voice so deep? 456 00:18:43,272 --> 00:18:44,513 Why shouldn't it be? 457 00:18:44,532 --> 00:18:46,106 Millennia of not running from people 458 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,868 has made me remarkably confident and relaxed. 459 00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:50,962 You know, I like Jewish Quahog. 460 00:18:51,189 --> 00:18:52,446 Yeah, we did a good thing, Stewie. 461 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,799 A Jewish world is much better than a Christian one. 462 00:18:54,984 --> 00:18:58,386 There are no absurd, stifling rules driving everyone crazy. 463 00:18:59,364 --> 00:19:00,471 There you guys are. 464 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,457 It's almost sundown, so let's turn off our devices 465 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,643 -and walk three miles to temple. -What? 466 00:19:05,870 --> 00:19:07,770 Ha! You were saying, Brian? 467 00:19:08,556 --> 00:19:09,814 We have to go back in time 468 00:19:10,041 --> 00:19:12,633 and stop Moses from receiving the Ten Commandments. 469 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,303 That way, neither Judaism nor Christianity will ever exist. 470 00:19:16,397 --> 00:19:17,488 On it. 471 00:19:18,992 --> 00:19:20,900 -Done. -How'd you do that so fast? 472 00:19:20,994 --> 00:19:22,994 I gave Moses 20 bucks to walk away. 473 00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:24,387 And before you say anything, 474 00:19:24,405 --> 00:19:25,812 that was a lot of money back then. 475 00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,373 Anyone would have done it. 476 00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,078 Happy November 25th. 477 00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:35,898 Only 30 shopping days till nothing. 478 00:19:35,917 --> 00:19:37,008 Brian, it worked. 479 00:19:37,159 --> 00:19:38,342 That's only half the story, Stewie. 480 00:19:38,494 --> 00:19:39,660 Let's make sure. 481 00:19:40,571 --> 00:19:42,513 Hey, guys? Who does Mel Gibson hate? 482 00:19:42,665 --> 00:19:45,424 Uh, all of his ex-wives, but no generalized group. 483 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,501 It did work. Finally, a world with 484 00:19:47,595 --> 00:19:51,022 no religion, no prejudices, no irrationalities. 485 00:19:51,249 --> 00:19:53,524 -Just science-based reason. -[knock on door] 486 00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:55,935 Package for Brian and Stewie? 487 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:57,361 Yeah, that's us. 488 00:19:57,588 --> 00:19:59,438 What did you do, you little twerps? 489 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,531 Oh, my God. God! 490 00:20:00,683 --> 00:20:01,757 Fix it. Fix it. 491 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,201 -Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it. -Ow, ow, ow, ow! 492 00:20:03,352 --> 00:20:04,702 It was his idea! It's not even my machine! 493 00:20:04,929 --> 00:20:07,446 You don't think Einstein and Carl Sagan tried this crap? 494 00:20:07,598 --> 00:20:09,040 I had to send them to Noogie City. 495 00:20:09,191 --> 00:20:10,208 Is that where you want to live? 496 00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:12,451 Noogie City? Huh? 'Cause I can take you there. 497 00:20:12,603 --> 00:20:13,694 I got the keys, hoss. 498 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,046 [both grunting] 499 00:20:15,273 --> 00:20:16,805 Is this all religion is? 500 00:20:16,865 --> 00:20:18,049 Threatening to noogie people 501 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,458 if they dare to think for themselves? 502 00:20:19,610 --> 00:20:21,961 Yes. I'm basically Biff from Back to the Future, 503 00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,370 and you're all George McFly. 504 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:25,205 All right, I got to take a picture of the package 505 00:20:25,299 --> 00:20:26,891 on your doorstep, or they don't believe me. 506 00:20:27,042 --> 00:20:28,226 You're really a delivery man? 507 00:20:28,377 --> 00:20:29,969 Yeah. No collection plate. 508 00:20:30,121 --> 00:20:31,804 I got to pay for Dish Network somehow. 509 00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,898 Oh, boy, we really messed with this guy. 510 00:20:34,125 --> 00:20:35,716 I guess we should go fix it, Brian. 511 00:20:35,810 --> 00:20:36,901 You know what? No. 512 00:20:37,128 --> 00:20:39,403 A world without religion is a world that values 513 00:20:39,555 --> 00:20:42,298 reason and logic to better the world for everyone. 514 00:20:42,316 --> 00:20:43,966 And I'm not gonna let some two-bit boomer-- 515 00:20:44,059 --> 00:20:45,892 yeah, you heard me-- tell us otherwise. 516 00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,745 [knuckles crack] 517 00:20:47,896 --> 00:20:52,658 ♪ Christ the royal master ♪ 518 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:56,963 ♪ Leads against the foe. ♪