1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
2
00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,928
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
5
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
6
00:00:21,604 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things that make us ♪
7
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,858
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
8
00:00:24,941 --> 00:00:30,071
♪ He's a family guy ♪
9
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,288
{\an8}[sighs] Son of a bitch.
10
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:39,456
{\an8}What's wrong, Peter?
11
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,833
{\an8}Eh, our IT guy told me today
that, apparently,
12
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,419
{\an8}I've had a work email address
ever since I started there.
13
00:00:44,502 --> 00:00:47,589
{\an8}So now I gotta slog through
17,000 messages.
14
00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:50,300
{\an8}Aw, crap, we didn't have to
come in on 9/11?
15
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:52,886
{\an8}I never even liked working
at that stupid brewery.
16
00:00:52,969 --> 00:00:55,305
Hardly my dream job,
I'll tell you that much.
17
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:57,432
{\an8}Now there's an interesting question.
18
00:00:57,515 --> 00:00:59,392
{\an8}What would be your dream job?
19
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,436
{\an8}Dream job? Oh, that's easy.
20
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:02,562
{\an8}Ever since I was a kid,
21
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:05,648
{\an8}I always pictured myself
being an international spy.
22
00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:17,452
{\an8}So, beautiful, which lamp did you unplug
to charge your phone in the room?
23
00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:18,578
{\an8}Mine's in the bathroom.
24
00:01:18,661 --> 00:01:21,623
{\an8}[moans] You know,
I never caught your name.
25
00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:24,959
{\an8}- [zipper closes]
- The name is Band. Lap Band.
26
00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:26,187
{\an8}- [gunfire]
- [glass shattering]
27
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:27,462
{\an8}- [screams]
- [grunts]
28
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,173
{\an8}Careful. Here come the bad guys
29
00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:33,510
{\an8}from whatever country won't offend
American or Chinese audiences.
30
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:38,765
{\an8}[grunts] You have dishonored
the people of Finland, Mr. Band.
31
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,683
{\an8}Shoot him, fellow tall introverts.
32
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:43,812
[Peter grunts]
33
00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,563
["James Bond Theme" playing]
34
00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,326
{\an8}[henchmen grunt]
35
00:01:58,409 --> 00:02:03,915
{\an8}Yep. All definitely me.
Whoosh! Zoom! Ski noise!
36
00:02:04,415 --> 00:02:06,918
{\an8}[gunfire]
37
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,088
{\an8}[wind whistles]
38
00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:16,594
♪ O… O… Ozempic ♪
39
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:19,013
{\an8}I… They threw a ton of money at us.
We couldn't say no.
40
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:34,070
[chuckling] All right. Hey, I wonder
who they got to do the song.
41
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:36,239
Blech.
42
00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:38,616
♪ When you're a spy ♪
43
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:43,454
♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪
44
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:46,166
♪ You look high and low ♪
45
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:50,003
♪ You never know what you'll find ♪
46
00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:52,130
♪ Spy life ♪
47
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:54,966
[Peter sighs] Mercifully brief.
48
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,764
{\an8}Good morning, Agent 555.
49
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,893
{\an8}Ugh, right. 'Cause this is a number
on a television show.
50
00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:08,146
{\an8}I say, you look as bewitching as ever,
Miss Takeapenny.
51
00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:12,692
{\an8}Oh, didn't you hear? I got married.
I'm now Miss Takeapenny-Leaveapenny.
52
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:14,194
{\an8}Wow. Lucky gentleman.
53
00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:16,779
{\an8}Because he gets to plow you,
is what I mean.
54
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,364
{\an8}So debonair.
55
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:21,117
{\an8}You know, now that I'm married,
I'm actually leaving.
56
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,286
{\an8}I'm training my replacement Todd.
57
00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:25,121
{\an8}A male secretary?
58
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,666
{\an8}[sighs] Well, I suppose I'll just
have to adapt and harass him now.
59
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,793
Nice penis, Todd.
60
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,295
Oh, Mr. Band.
61
00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:35,840
Okay, good. He knows how to play along.
Yeah, this is… This will work.
62
00:03:36,507 --> 00:03:41,095
I understand you have a mission for me, M,
which I can only assume stands for "Man."
63
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,265
{\an8}Good morning, Mr. Band.
64
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:47,727
Whoa. My boss is the new Little Mermaid
I'm so mad about.
65
00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:52,815
Mr. Band, we have reports of a plan
to intercept a European nuclear device
66
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:55,944
by the villainous mastermind Blofella.
67
00:03:56,027 --> 00:04:01,783
{\an8}Got it, M. Or is it maybe M-H-M,
and-and you pronounce it, "Mm-hmm."
68
00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:03,117
{\an8}M is fine.
69
00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:06,537
{\an8}Okay, yeah. No… I… Times have changed
and I… I gotta… I need to catch up.
70
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:15,880
Oh. Hey, Q.
71
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:17,131
Hey, have you seen who M is?
72
00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:18,967
Which I totally support by the way.
73
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,177
In fact, it was my idea,
and I fought for it.
74
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,762
- You should have heard me.
- Okay.
75
00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:25,885
Just let me show you the cutting-edge
equipment you'll need for your mission.
76
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:29,519
First, I have this fridge
that displays today's headlines.
77
00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:32,105
Did… Did you just go to Best Buy?
78
00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:36,401
No. I also have these headphones
that block out ambient plane noise.
79
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:38,087
Yeah, you ju… you just went to Best Buy.
80
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,279
I did not.
81
00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:40,446
So, where am I headed?
82
00:04:40,530 --> 00:04:43,825
We're expecting Blofella to attempt
to intercept the bomb in Belgium.
83
00:04:43,908 --> 00:04:44,909
Oh. Awesome.
84
00:04:44,993 --> 00:04:47,913
That's the country where they basically
have dessert for breakfast, right?
85
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:52,292
Agent Triple-Five, I cannot stress enough,
no dessert for breakfast.
86
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:07,640
Greetings, Mr. Band.
On behalf of Belgian Secret Services.
87
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:11,561
Oh, hey. I'd shake your hand,
but my arm is syrup-glued to the table.
88
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:14,480
The name is Alice. Alice Boobs.
89
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:17,525
[chuckles] That works in two ways.
90
00:05:17,608 --> 00:05:19,193
No, it's… it's really just one.
91
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,659
Our intelligence has revealed
that the bomb transfer
92
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:29,996
is to take place in this warehouse
for generic wooden crates.
93
00:05:30,079 --> 00:05:32,123
[helicopter whirring]
94
00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:41,132
[speaks indistinctly]
95
00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:43,009
What? It's very loud.
96
00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:45,094
[speaking indistinctly]
97
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:49,349
We're getting none of this.
98
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:53,353
If we can't hear him, he can't hear us
saying we can't hear him.
99
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:54,645
What a mess.
100
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:58,274
Gavin. Gavin, turn off…
Turn the helicopter off.
101
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:01,694
I… I was going to say,
"Sorry to drop in on your party."
102
00:06:01,778 --> 00:06:03,780
But, ugh, feels stupid now.
103
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,114
Get 'em, boys.
104
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:08,701
So that's it, Blofella? You-you're just
gonna have us killed by your henchmen?
105
00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:12,997
Oh, okay. I'd rather you not use that
word. They are independent contractors.
106
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,791
He doesn't want to pay us benefits.
107
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:19,212
There is an app they log into when they
want to work around their schedule.
108
00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:22,006
I am not their employer.
The app is their employer.
109
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,135
Goodbye, Mr. Band. [laughs]
110
00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:30,306
[all grunting, groaning]
111
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:38,064
[Lois shouts]
112
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,066
[Peter] It wasn't looking good,
113
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,027
but thankfully Q had supplied me with
114
00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,781
Captain America's shield.
115
00:06:46,864 --> 00:06:48,050
[Quagmire] What? Wait, no, no.
116
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,493
You can't just become
a Marvel character halfway through.
117
00:06:51,119 --> 00:06:54,622
[Joe] Also, we usually see all the stuff
Q gives you at the beginning.
118
00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:57,083
This feels very unearned.
119
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:59,919
[Peter] Belgian intelligence learned that
Blofella's plan
120
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:02,213
was to use the nuclear device
he'd intercepted
121
00:07:02,296 --> 00:07:04,382
to blow up the city of Las Vegas.
122
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:07,218
But that wasn't the only emergency
I was dealing with.
123
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:10,054
Yeah, you said everyone in Vegas
wears tuxedos,
124
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,557
and I'm starting to feel
pretty self-conscious.
125
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,561
Uh. I didn't say, "Definitely."
I said, "It was my understanding."
126
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,063
[gasps] Agent Triple-Five. Look!
127
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:24,485
[gasps] Blofella. Not on my watch.
128
00:07:28,322 --> 00:07:29,699
- [grunts]
- [screams]
129
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:33,244
- [machine chimes]
- [coins rattle]
130
00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:39,417
[both panting]
131
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,919
I… I can't find my way out.
132
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,922
Okay. Well, that says
breakfast buffet that way,
133
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:46,924
but I'm pretty sure we've seen it twice.
134
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:48,593
Ugh.
135
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:53,431
[pants] And here we are again
at North Suite Elevators.
136
00:07:53,514 --> 00:07:54,554
I don't know. Should we…
137
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,702
Should we just hit the slot machines
while we're here?
138
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,102
No! That's why they do this!
139
00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:00,706
No, no, no. Yeah, no, I get all that. I…
And I hate to hold things up,
140
00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:03,649
but, I mean, Santana is in his 70s.
141
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,319
We should probably see him
while we still can.
142
00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:07,403
[groans]
143
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:08,779
[rock music playing]
144
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,241
[Peter] I knew one song.
145
00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:15,453
Son of a bitch!
146
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,669
There we are. Assembly complete.
147
00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:26,005
So, again, this would be
an appropriate time
148
00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:28,090
for you all to please log out of the app.
149
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,092
[Band] Ha! I got you now.
150
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,177
[gasps]
151
00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:33,971
Mr. Band, how did you find me?
152
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:36,849
Honestly, I'm on a guided tour
for the movie, The Hangover,
153
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:37,975
which ends on the roof.
154
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:39,352
Fun fact, gang.
155
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:43,189
It was actually Zach's idea
to put the sunglasses on the baby.
156
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:46,025
Okay, I see everyone staring
at the Mandalay Bay,
157
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,945
so I'll go ahead and tell you
which window was the shooter's.
158
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,196
Well, you're too late.
159
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:53,866
In a few moments, all of Las Vegas
will be totally wiped off the map.
160
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,576
[groaning]
161
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:58,162
You're a madman. Why are you doing this?
162
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:01,040
I need to get out of a very restrictive
time-share deal,
163
00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:03,042
and this is literally the only way out.
164
00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:12,260
[Peter] There was no time.
165
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,471
So that's when I pulled out
Kylo Ren's lightsaber
166
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,182
- and knocked Blofella off the roof.
- [Blofella grunts] No!
167
00:09:18,266 --> 00:09:19,910
[Quagmire] No! No, no, no.
That's cheating.
168
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:23,312
[Joe] Yeah. Also, you got a lightsaber,
and you're just gonna push a guy?
169
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,397
[thuds]
170
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:29,986
Oh, Triple-Five. You saved my life.
Make love to me right now.
171
00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:32,405
I'm sorry, Alice. I can't. I'm gay.
172
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:35,241
New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.
173
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,710
Well, that was awesome hearing
about your dream job, Peter.
174
00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:48,671
But I was actually lucky enough
to have my dream job.
175
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:50,089
At least until I lost it.
176
00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:52,008
It all started years ago.
177
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,468
{\an8}It was the 1980s,
178
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:57,847
{\an8}and I was living alone in
a studio apartment with an askew poster
179
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,266
because bachelors
never hang their posters straight.
180
00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:01,851
[Peter] Yeah, no offense, Quagmire.
181
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:04,854
But I'm gonna listen to this story
the same way I do most podcasts,
182
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:07,106
- at 1.5 speed.
- [audio speed increases]
183
00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:10,168
[Quagmire] I put on some weight from being
in an abusive relationship with a woman:
184
00:10:10,192 --> 00:10:12,028
- Mama Celeste.
- [speaks Italian]
185
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:13,922
[Peter] All right, okay.
Back-back to normal speed.
186
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,281
I'm in. I'm hooked.
187
00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:16,657
[electronic beeping]
188
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:19,511
[Quagmire] The other thing about living
in the '80s is that, wherever you went,
189
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:22,204
the actual Pointer Sisters
would follow you around singing.
190
00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:27,251
♪ Glenn
You know this man just mailed a bill ♪
191
00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:29,337
♪ To Sprint
It's for his phone ♪
192
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:31,380
♪ A landline phone ♪
193
00:10:32,131 --> 00:10:33,966
[Quagmire] I knew I needed to get
in shape.
194
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:37,720
But the only forms of exercise in the '80s
were roller-skating on a dance floor
195
00:10:37,803 --> 00:10:41,057
or lugging around your dead boss
to use his vacation home.
196
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:43,976
Back then, there were two things I liked:
197
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,394
gyrating my pelvis
198
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:48,689
and putting vowels next to each other
that weren't normally next to each other.
199
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:51,484
I combined those two loves
to create something called aerobics.
200
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:53,736
Welcome aboard.
201
00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:56,489
Here's your complimentary headband,
two wristbands,
202
00:10:56,572 --> 00:10:58,949
waistband, thigh band, another headband.
203
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,513
[Quagmire] There were a lot of bands.
204
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:03,079
[Peter] Yeah, my finger's hovering
over that 1.5 button.
205
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,682
[Quagmire] Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
So I started teaching classes
206
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:06,749
that same week.
207
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,712
I even created an advanced class
based on how your body moves during sex.
208
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,130
I called it "Sexercise."
209
00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:20,763
And things took off immediately.
210
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:24,308
Because I gave 1980s women
exactly what they wanted.
211
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,018
Long flat butts.
212
00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:28,312
Come on, ladies. Longer. Flatter.
213
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:32,608
[Quagmire] My workout program was a hit.
And soon I was ready to take it national.
214
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,572
I was lucky enough
to get the chance to announce
215
00:11:34,610 --> 00:11:36,821
the filming of my video
on The Tonight Show with Johnny.
216
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:39,198
[Joe] Wow! You met Johnny Carson?
217
00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:41,677
[Quagmire] Actually, that particular
night, there was a guest host,
218
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,869
John Davidson, star of That's Incredible!
219
00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:46,038
So, you know, different Johnny.
But still Johnny.
220
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,708
[Peter] No one has ever called
John Davidson "Johnny."
221
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:51,335
[Quagmire] He guest-hosted 87 times.
That's not nothing.
222
00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:55,798
Anyway, the night's first guest
was Jane Fonda, who was promoting 9 to 5,
223
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,426
by far the "blousiest" movie of the 1980s.
224
00:11:58,509 --> 00:11:59,969
So, Glenn Quagmire.
225
00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:03,931
Says here you created
an exercise craze called aerobics.
226
00:12:04,014 --> 00:12:05,391
What inspired that?
227
00:12:05,474 --> 00:12:07,226
Well, Johnny.
228
00:12:07,309 --> 00:12:09,979
One day, as I did jumping jacks alone
in my apartment,
229
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,899
I thought, "How can I take the worst parts
of this and put it in a public setting,
230
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:16,777
plus a wall of mirrors
and street-facing windows?"
231
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:18,581
[Quagmire] The interview seemed to
go great.
232
00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:22,825
But the next day, I realized
how truly ruthless Jane Fonda was.
233
00:12:26,829 --> 00:12:28,038
Now, Mr. Quagmire.
234
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:30,833
An important part
of releasing a 1980s video
235
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:34,044
is the incredibly depressing
production logo it opens with.
236
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:35,796
I have a few here to choose from.
237
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:40,176
First, is some vibrating rainbow
text that never quite comes into focus.
238
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,888
[low synth humming]
239
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:45,264
Uh-huh, love that.
240
00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:49,685
This one is just a large bouncing V
with an ominous keyboard noise.
241
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:53,898
[low synth humming]
242
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:54,982
Also excellent.
243
00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:57,151
Or here's three capital letters
244
00:12:57,234 --> 00:13:01,989
all spelled with one thick,
continuous line atop a digital horizon.
245
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:06,243
[low synth humming]
246
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:08,537
Wow, you can't miss.
Let's go with all three.
247
00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:11,749
Wait a minute. What's… What's going on?
248
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:12,833
Where are my leg warmers?
249
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:14,752
Back then, leg warmers were essential,
250
00:13:14,835 --> 00:13:18,297
because that was by far
the coldest decade from the knee down.
251
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,216
Did someone take my leg warmers?
252
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:23,803
In place of my leg warmers,
I found only a single note.
253
00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:30,059
At first, I assumed
Jodie Foster had stolen my leg warmers,
254
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:32,436
and I was about to go
take it out on the president.
255
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,649
But then I realized it could only have
been one person intent on sabotaging me,
256
00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:38,400
Jane Fonda.
257
00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:41,487
I tried my best to soldier on.
258
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:43,906
Okay, don't look at my legs.
And one! And two!
259
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,199
My calves are tiny and cold.
260
00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:46,659
And three! And four!
261
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:50,079
But I knew, even in the moment,
it was gonna be a disaster.
262
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:51,455
[all gasp]
263
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,757
[Quagmire] I never stood a chance.
264
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,888
[Jane] Hello, Glenn.
265
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:09,139
Sorry you failed.
266
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:12,977
But… [chuckles] … like they say,
all's fair in love and aerobics.
267
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:14,937
Who? Who says that? Nobody.
268
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:17,731
God, now I get why
everyone's racist uncle hates you.
269
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:21,193
Well, it's been nice chatting
but if you'll excuse me,
270
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,611
I have to go lobby our nation
271
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,155
about cleaning up the mess
we made in Vietnam.
272
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:27,116
[Peter] Sorry,
I went ahead and hit the 8x.
273
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:30,202
[Quagmire] No, you… you… you did the…
you did the right thing, Peter.
274
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,830
[low synth humming]
275
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:49,346
Well, as far as dream jobs go,
mine's always been to do what you do, Joe.
276
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,431
To be a cop.
277
00:14:50,514 --> 00:14:52,474
But, you know, one day short of retirement
278
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:54,768
since y'all got such
a nice benefits package.
279
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:58,856
Uh. Well, my dream job
is to do pretty much what I do now
280
00:14:58,939 --> 00:15:00,983
but be like a loose-cannon-type cop
281
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:04,445
who doesn't care whether
he lives or dies but can definitely walk.
282
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:10,838
[Cleveland] It was my last day on the job.
283
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:14,914
And I'd just taken my last office dump
when I was called into the chief's office.
284
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,458
Morning, sir. You wanted to see me?
285
00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:20,336
That's right. We've been tracking
a notorious drug cartel
286
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:22,671
that's been bringing
tons of cocaine into LA.
287
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:26,508
Yes. Cocaine has been ravaging
the Black community for years.
288
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:29,011
Yeah. Well, some white girl
got a minor nosebleed.
289
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,388
So now I guess it's,
like, a big fricking deal.
290
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:33,599
In fact, last night there was a huge bust.
291
00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:35,392
Wow. How much was it?
292
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:39,647
And remember we measure cocaine…
and nothing else… in only kilos.
293
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:41,982
- I don't know, 80 pounds.
- Huh?
294
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,442
Like 36 kilos.
295
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:44,693
Oh, my God!
296
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,278
That's too much kilos.
297
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:48,447
Oh, I'm also assigning you a new partner.
298
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:52,076
But don't worry, I know you're nearing
retirement and want a stable situation.
299
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:54,828
So I'm hooking you up
with a guy named Sergeant Maniac.
300
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:57,539
How you doing? I'm a crazy wild card
301
00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:01,085
as indicated
by my only-right-now timely mullet.
302
00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:02,169
Hmm.
303
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:04,213
You ain't dressed like a police detective.
304
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:06,840
Well, I know we're gonna be running around
chasing bad guys,
305
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:09,093
so I wore the tightest jeans I own.
306
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:11,053
Hi-yah! Hi-yah!
307
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,806
Hey, why don't you come on out
to my beachside trailer
308
00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:15,891
to, uh, discuss the case?
309
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,393
Sure. Where is it?
310
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,895
Uh. Not in Malibu. They wouldn't allow it.
311
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,481
But one of those garbage beaches
further north,
312
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:26,026
way past Moonshadows, which is, like,
the perfect place to get drunk
313
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:29,530
and tell everybody who's responsible
for all the world's wars.
314
00:16:32,616 --> 00:16:36,787
{\an8}[Cleveland] I soon realized
my new partner had serious issues.
315
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:39,623
{\an8}He didn't care what kind
of dangerous stuff he did.
316
00:16:40,457 --> 00:16:41,750
{\an8}Hello.
317
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:45,379
{\an8}You're calling
from credit card services? Great.
318
00:16:45,462 --> 00:16:47,214
{\an8}I'll tell you my social security number,
319
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:49,383
{\an8}and you tell me
if it matches what you have there.
320
00:16:49,466 --> 00:16:51,760
Man is insane.
321
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,847
{\an8}Okay. And now don't laugh
at my mother's maiden name.
322
00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,724
{\an8}It's kind of a goofy one.
323
00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:57,891
{\an8}Tinkleman.
324
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,728
{\an8}Yeah, it's like… like pee.
325
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,813
{\an8}I thought we were gonna discuss the case.
326
00:17:02,896 --> 00:17:04,314
{\an8}Right. I'll be ready in one minute.
327
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:08,152
{\an8}But first, I've been asked to make sure
women come see the movie too.
328
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,745
[Cleveland] So my crazy partner and I
set out to solve the case
329
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,788
and began by looking for Leeds,
330
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,041
which was a somewhat
popular mattress store
331
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:24,004
where if you said
you were a potential customer,
332
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,545
they'd let you take a nap
in the middle of the day.
333
00:17:26,628 --> 00:17:29,840
Sorry, guys,
my manager says you have to leave.
334
00:17:29,923 --> 00:17:33,302
Leave? But my partner and I
are trying out this queen bed.
335
00:17:33,385 --> 00:17:34,511
[giggles]
336
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:35,888
What are you giggling at?
337
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,806
We're partners on the police force.
338
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,267
This guy's wearing jeans
with no underwear.
339
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:41,435
Yeah, you're cops.
340
00:17:41,518 --> 00:17:42,686
Sure.
341
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,941
You guys are no closer to figuring out
342
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,402
who's responsible
for bringing in all this cocaine.
343
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:51,737
I got a pretty good idea.
344
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:55,115
Have you checked
Temple Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood?
345
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:58,118
It's also where they control
the weather and the Oscars.
346
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,287
That's it. You guys are off the case.
347
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,642
[Cleveland] Since we'd been
thrown off the case,
348
00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,919
I thought it'd be nice
to invite my partner over
349
00:18:07,002 --> 00:18:08,629
for a home-cooked meal.
350
00:18:08,712 --> 00:18:11,006
Huh. You don't have a pitcher of iced tea?
351
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,051
I thought every Black family dinner
had a pitcher of iced tea.
352
00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:17,721
We do have a picture of Ice T,
right up there on the wall.
353
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,616
[dispatcher] Attention, all units.
354
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,367
Be advised of a possible drug deal
at the dock.
355
00:18:21,391 --> 00:18:23,811
- That's not far from here.
- No way.
356
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:25,521
We were taken off that case.
357
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:28,649
Yeah, but we can be there
before even the closest patrol car.
358
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,002
There, look!
Quick, pull over and let me out.
359
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:51,338
- What?
- I'm gonna run the rest of the way.
360
00:18:51,421 --> 00:18:54,550
- I assure you the car will be faster.
- See you there.
361
00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,429
[grunts]
362
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,142
[panting]
363
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,562
[grunts, panting]
364
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,230
Been waiting here for six minutes.
365
00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,524
Okay. Okay. Okay.
366
00:19:10,607 --> 00:19:13,652
So six-minute mile.
Not bad for jeans and no underpants.
367
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:16,196
You got any glove-box Vaseline in there?
368
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:21,827
It's the chief. What the hell?
369
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:34,298
The chief has been the mastermind
of the cocaine cartel all along.
370
00:19:34,381 --> 00:19:37,467
That might explain
why he always calls me at 3:00 a.m.
371
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:39,636
with screenplay ideas.
372
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,013
[phone ringing]
373
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,809
- [groans] Hello?
- [Chief Carter] Okay, hear me out.
374
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:48,437
It's Die Hard but in a building.
375
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,647
Die Hard is in a building.
376
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:54,401
[Chief Carter] Hmm, I don't know. Here,
listen to me watch it, and we'll find out.
377
00:19:54,484 --> 00:19:56,486
["20th Century Fox Fanfare" playing]
378
00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,078
[both grunt]
379
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:06,788
[grunts]
380
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:10,834
[grunts]
381
00:20:11,418 --> 00:20:13,921
Give it up.
You guys can't arrest me anyway.
382
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:17,174
I have diplomatic immunity.
383
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:20,093
- You do?
- On what basis?
384
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:22,262
Yeah. I'm a citizen of Margaritaville.
385
00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:25,098
I even have this hat
from a recent vacation to prove it.
386
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,935
[growls] Too bad.
387
00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:31,313
Your diplomatic immunity's
just been revoked.
388
00:20:31,855 --> 00:20:33,106
[grunts]
389
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:40,364
The officer's actions, while illegal,
were justified by a snappy line.
390
00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:41,531
Movie over.
391
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,659
[low synth humming]
392
00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:46,912
[Quagmire] I was also a producer
on this project.