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♪ It seems today ♪
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00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:04,838
♪ That all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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{\an8}What are you up to there, Stewie?
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{\an8}Big birthday party today,
just finishing up my card.
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{\an8}"Happy Birthday, Gurt"?
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{\an8}Yeah, it's short for "Yogurt."
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{\an8}His mom is a doula and his dad is a doula.
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{\an8}I like the blue truck.
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{\an8}Thanks.
It was supposed to be a fire engine,
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{\an8}but I couldn't find the red glitter pen.
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{\an8}Well, that's our
long-form tax return done.
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{\an8}I could be wrong, but I think
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{\an8}we're getting a million dollars back.
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{\an8}Oh, I'm glad you're here.
I ran out of bleach
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{\an8}halfway through
my mustache treatment today,
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{\an8}so, Peter, I'm gonna
need you to take Stewie
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{\an8}to the bowling alley for a party.
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{\an8}Hey, Meg, I'm gonna
need you to take Stewie
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{\an8}to the bowling alley for a party.
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{\an8}I just learned the word "delegate."
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{\an8}No skin off my sack.
I love the bowling alley.
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{\an8}I'm coming, too.
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{\an8}They got a new claw machine
with a bra in it.
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{\an8}We sure raised a few fine delegates, huh?
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{\an8}Peter, I don't think
you learned the word "delegate."
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{\an8}I will not be delegated in my own house.
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{\an8}This is gonna be fun, Stewie.
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{\an8}Yeah, I'm pumped. Partying's in our blood.
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{\an8}We even had ancestors
at the Boston Tea Party.
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All right, let's stick it to the British
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and throw this tea overboard.
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How about this Earl Grey?
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Okay, you know what,
let's keep the Earl Grey.
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We-we all have to have breakfast, right?
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- Here goes the chamomile.
- No, no, no. You throw that out,
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you're throwing
my good night's sleep away.
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How about this Throat Coat with echinacea?
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Okay, you guys are gonna hate me,
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but we're coming up
on cold and flu season.
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And I just think that
would be irresponsible.
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- Well, what about--
- You know what, let's just boil some water
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and write 'em a strongly-worded letter.
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{\an8}Here you go, Meg.
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{\an8}You's all in lane six with Gurt's mother.
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{\an8}Everybody wins. Everybody wins here today.
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{\an8}Gurt, get your hand out of your pants!
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{\an8}Thanks, Bruce.
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{\an8}Hey, want to put quesadillas in our mouths
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{\an8}and flip through a People magazine later?
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{\an8}Oh, I'd love to,
but this is our busiest day.
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{\an8}I got five parties and that guy over there
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{\an8}insists he can only
bowl like Fred Flintstone.
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{\an8}Dad, you were coming here the whole time?
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{\an8}I don't have to tell you things
I'm keeping secret from you.
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{\an8}All right, Bruce, I'm up.
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{\an8}Yibba yabba yoo!
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{\an8}Stewie, William, you're up.
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{\an8}Well, well, well,
looks like the new kid got a pity invite.
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{\an8}My name's William.
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{\an8}I've been on six airplanes.
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{\an8}You do sports, William?
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{\an8}You ever get your ass
handed to you, sports-wise?
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{\an8}Not yet, Stewie,
but if you throw the ball the way
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{\an8}you threw back that cake,
you should be in good shape.
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{\an8}Hope you got another set of pins, Bruce,
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{\an8}'cause this one's about to explode.
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{\an8}Well, call me Norma Rae,
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{\an8}'cause you're about to see a strike.
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{\an8}I watch a lot of movies
at my grandma's house.
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- On three?
- Oops.
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Yes! And then there were nine.
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It's not fair!
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Someone else was
using my lucky dinosaur ramp!
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{\an8}Can't beat the old strike-a-saurus!
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{\an8}♪ Open the door, get on the floor ♪
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{\an8}♪ Everybody bowl that dinosaur. ♪
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Are you here for shoes?
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Yeah, but I'm not sure what size I am.
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The sizing line's right over there.
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{\an8}Just put your bare foot on my stomach
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{\an8}and I can tell you your shoe size.
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{\an8}I don't know. Next.
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{\an8}Little higher.
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{\an8}I don't know. Next.
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That'll do, pig.
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That'll do.
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Peter, you're up.
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Just got to dry my hands first.
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Ooh, how embarrassing.
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What an unexpected, sexy turn of events.
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So, did you guys know that
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Marilyn's real name was Norma Jean?
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- Mm-hmm.
- And if you said hello
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to Bernard Schwartz, you'd be saying--
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Saying hello to Tony Curtis. Yes, we know.
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"Better smile when you say that, pilgrim."
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Marion Morrison, aka John Wayne.
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Yep, we remember from the list
you emailed us, Joe.
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You know, Kennedy's secretary
was named Lincoln,
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and Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
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- Kind of makes you think, huh?
- About what?
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Secretaries.
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{\an8}Sorry we left such a mess.
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{\an8}- Let me help you with that.
- Thanks, Meg.
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{\an8}Oop, looks like more vomit,
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{\an8}and I done run out
of kitty litter to soak it up.
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{\an8}That's all right, I always
keep a small bag in my purse.
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You keep kitty litter in your purse?
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Well, there's not always
a bathroom when I need one.
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I don't know how you handle
all these kids every week.
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Oh, I don't mind. I like children.
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Always wanted one of my own.
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Someone I could raise a little bit better
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than my parents did me.
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You'd be a great dad, Bruce.
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You should totally have a kid.
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I don't know if you knew this, but it's
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anatomically impossible
for a man to get pregnant.
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Even Lindsey Graham?
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Well, he's certainly
giving it the ol' college try.
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But I guess it's just not in the cards
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for Jeffrey and me.
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After all, you can't
make a bun without a oven.
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Well, I have an oven.
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I mean, it may not close all the way,
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and it's definitely not self-cleaning,
but it works.
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You should thank
your lucky stars for that.
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Well, I don't know if you've noticed,
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but I don't exactly have a lot of suitors.
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It might be because you's going potty
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in your purse all the time.
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But at least you's able to have a baby.
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You're right.
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I can have a baby.
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Mom, Dad.
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I'm having Bruce and Jeffrey's baby.
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That's wonderful.
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What do you say we take
this party to the top of the stairs?
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{\an8}It's not an abortion, it's an "oopsie."
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Meg, there is no way you are having
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Bruce and Jeffrey's baby. I forbid it.
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We agreed no more kids in the house
unless it's Young Sheldon.
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Boy, is that kid a pepper pot.
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It's not what you guys think.
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I'm gonna be a surrogate.
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But don't you need an egg?
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Or-or is that...
is that a bad question to ask
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now that penises and vaginas mean nothing?
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Jeffrey and Bruce already picked out
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an egg donor from a website.
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Okay, as your father,
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I'd like to say something.
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You can just get hot eggs
off the Internet?
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Wh-what, uh, what, uh,
what, uh, wh-wha-- uh,
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wh-wha-what website?
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Meg, this is serious.
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Pregnancy is not
something you do for money
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or to keep a certain
professional athlete interested
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after he blocks your number.
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You're gonna ruin your life,
and I won't have any part of it.
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Well, too bad, 'cause I'm 18
and you can't stop me.
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Dang, no more sush for Meg
for nine whole months.
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That's honestly what
you're taking away from all this?
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Well, yeah. I'm still getting sush.
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Anyone else for sush? Dad, sush?
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Ma, sush? Chris, sush?
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Meg, no sush. Don't even answer, Meg.
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She's like, "Aw, I want sush so bad."
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I'm like, "No, no, Meg, no sush, babe."
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Anyway, I'm gonna
go out and get some sush.
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I'll be at CVS.
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Aw, this is embarrassing.
We wore the same thing.
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Let it be noted that I was
the one to change this time.
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Anyway, good news. The fertilization
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of the hella-more-attractive
egg was a success.
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Brucie, we did it.
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I'm gonna dress him in political T-shirts
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he can't even begin to understand.
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Yes, so now we just have to implant
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that very hot embryo into Meg's body.
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- Is this gonna hurt?
- Not at all.
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Nurse, wheel in the implantation cannon.
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You guys are gonna love this thing.
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A clown died in there,
but I think we got him all out.
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Can someone please
go get me a cup of buffalo sauce
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and a hollowed-out pickle
to use as a straw
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to suck up the sauce?
196
00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,751
Fine, but I'm making you a grilled cheese.
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00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:05,878
And not because I support this pregnancy.
198
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:08,548
I just enjoy making
passive-aggressive grilled cheeses
199
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,966
for people and then saying, "Here,
200
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:12,552
here's your freakin' grilled cheese."
201
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,845
Hey, Meg?
202
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:16,847
How many farts
you been blasting off today?
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00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,766
We talking bigs and smalls?
204
00:09:18,766 --> 00:09:20,643
Fronts? Backs? Wets? Drys?
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00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:23,104
Ah. Well, I am gonna
run out of this room now
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00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:26,023
and leave a
comedically-shaped hole in the wall.
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00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,276
That was already there
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00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,111
from Dad's drunk driving accident.
209
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,862
Nope! Running from farts!
210
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,619
Man, Meg being pregnant is almost as bad
211
00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:40,413
as when that other lady was pregnant.
212
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,082
'Member? The lady
with the loose baked-eggs rack?
213
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:45,167
- 'Member her?
- Peter, that was me.
214
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,128
And no way was I worse than this.
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00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,130
Well, maybe this'll
turn out better than you think,
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00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:52,717
like eating edible underwear
in non-sexual situations.
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00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,137
I can't believe you chose this
for your last meal.
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00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,848
Well, I guess we're both "shocked" today.
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00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:02,101
Okay, fellas, light me up.
220
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:04,186
You know what, he's funny.
221
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:06,564
Now I see why our daughter
got in that van.
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00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,442
Yibba yabba yoo!
223
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,235
Well, maybe you're right.
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00:10:11,235 --> 00:10:13,362
I'm just glad this day's finally over.
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00:10:13,362 --> 00:10:15,197
- Night, Peter.
- Night, Lois.
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00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,784
Mom! Dad!
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00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:20,244
Just ignore her.
228
00:10:20,244 --> 00:10:22,163
She'll tire herself out.
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00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,789
Dad! Mom!
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00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:25,291
Please!
231
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,293
Lois. The daughter's crying.
232
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,045
I'm super wide awake
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00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,213
and I want to eat something really rank.
234
00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:32,715
Lois, did you hear that?
235
00:10:36,010 --> 00:10:38,012
Okay. I guess I got this one.
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00:10:44,018 --> 00:10:46,395
Papa John, I'm sorry to bother you,
237
00:10:46,395 --> 00:10:48,397
but my pregnant daughter
asked that I bring her
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00:10:48,397 --> 00:10:50,858
the worst pizza ever, and yours is that.
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00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:53,069
You think we're worse than Lunchables?
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00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,654
- Yes.
- 7-Eleven?
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00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,489
Look, my friend, my friend, my friend.
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00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,699
It's late, we've done our research.
243
00:10:58,699 --> 00:11:00,493
The sauce, the bread, the toppings,
244
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,536
the way it's cooked,
the people cooking it,
245
00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:04,622
the way it tastes like the box
it comes in.
246
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,749
It's really, really the worst.
247
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,210
I mean, you even make
butter dipping sauce terrible.
248
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,962
Well, do you want the butter sauce
with the pizza or not?
249
00:11:11,962 --> 00:11:14,131
Yeah, no, give me a bunch of everything.
250
00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:20,888
What do you want, Chris?
251
00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:23,224
- Is it pump time yet?
- Why do you care?
252
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:26,477
Meg, I'm a member
of a very specific dark web Internet site.
253
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:27,978
Don't try to find it,
you won't be able to.
254
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,815
But this would be fairly monumental there.
255
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,900
Mom, Chris is being disgusting.
256
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,860
So are you. We're all disgusting.
257
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:37,113
That's what family is.
258
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,115
I knew this was a bad idea.
259
00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:40,574
Yeah, marriage blows.
260
00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:42,535
No, I mean Meg's pregnancy.
261
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,412
I wish we could just fast-forward through
262
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:46,205
the next couple of months
until she gives birth
263
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:48,207
and this whole thing blows over.
264
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:54,338
Well, team, I tried meth.
265
00:11:56,841 --> 00:11:59,260
All right, guys,
looks like I'm really liking meth.
266
00:12:01,345 --> 00:12:03,389
Hey, guys, I need money.
267
00:12:03,389 --> 00:12:05,474
Like, now. Like, yesterday! Like, now!
268
00:12:08,602 --> 00:12:10,438
Hi, Peter, my name is Marcus.
269
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,189
Your family has written some letters
270
00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:13,566
they'd like to read to you.
271
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,526
You liars!
272
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,117
Weird Easter this year.
273
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,163
Dad, you're back!
274
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:29,081
Ah, we missed you so much.
275
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,708
Ah, I missed you guys.
276
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,752
Meth was great, but I guess it's bad.
277
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,420
I don't know,
I'm not really sold on that yet.
278
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:35,921
We're proud of you, Peter.
279
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:39,425
Uh, guys? I think my water just broke.
280
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,343
Oh, right, I forgot we were doing that.
281
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:48,434
Well, I see nobody
brought me a doctor gift.
282
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,519
That's fine, you still have a year.
283
00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:52,855
Meg, I'm just going
to check the contractions.
284
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:54,940
"Should've, would've, hadn't,
285
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,860
ma'am, 'twas."
Oh, they're getting closer together.
286
00:12:57,860 --> 00:13:00,446
It's coming! It's coming!
287
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,615
Okay, we're out of gloves,
so I'm gonna catch it
288
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,366
with this Panda Express bag.
289
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:05,910
Are you sure this is safe?
290
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:07,536
Oh, yeah, Panda bags are medical-grade.
291
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:09,205
Just never use a Subway bag.
292
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:11,081
I've had, like, four go right through.
293
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:13,042
{\an8}Uhp, it's in the bag already.
294
00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:14,627
It's a girl.
295
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,462
What's that big ol' vine coming out?
296
00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:19,173
She looks like
one of them pumpkins in Cinderella.
297
00:13:23,719 --> 00:13:25,638
She...
298
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,515
she's beautiful.
299
00:13:30,851 --> 00:13:32,812
Ooh, that's awful loud.
300
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,689
Yeah, that's a pee-poo-mix cry
if I ever heard one.
301
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:38,108
And it'll be a weird poo,
that first one, trust me.
302
00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,069
You-you know that volcano in Hawaii
303
00:13:40,069 --> 00:13:42,655
where the lava just slowly
rolls through people's yards?
304
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,406
It's like that, only poo.
305
00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:47,576
That does sound like a lot to deal with.
306
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:50,913
So, do you clean that up with,
like, Kleenex and Febreezes?
307
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:53,791
You know what,
why don't I take the first shift?
308
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:56,877
Well, it would give us a chance
to finish doo-dadding her room.
309
00:13:56,877 --> 00:13:58,629
And we have to buy every product
310
00:13:58,629 --> 00:14:01,382
of known baby expert Jessica Alba.
311
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:03,843
Well, sounds like you guys
have a lot to talk about.
312
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,136
Thanks, Meg. We'll text you tomorrow.
313
00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:09,390
Welcome to the world,
little Liza Judy Barbra.
314
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,602
All right, sush time for Meg.
315
00:14:13,602 --> 00:14:15,604
I know you want some hospital sush.
316
00:14:15,604 --> 00:14:18,274
No? Dad? Sush? Pepsi Max?
317
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,401
Ma? Diet Max? Sush?
318
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,945
Chris? Max? Code Red? Sush?
319
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:25,698
No? Well, I'm getting some sush and a Max.
320
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,366
I'll be at the cafeteria.
321
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,203
Don't get the sush, guys.
322
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,465
Okay, okay, Liza Judy Barbra.
323
00:14:43,465 --> 00:14:46,760
It's time for the bottle
because I forgot to tweeze my nips.
324
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:51,765
This is getting ridiculous.
It's been three days.
325
00:14:51,765 --> 00:14:54,602
Why haven't Bruce and Jeffrey
picked up their baby?
326
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:57,313
I don't know. They're, like, super busy.
327
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,064
Hey, look at the bright side, Lois.
328
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:00,357
With that baby around, you look like
329
00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:01,817
the hottest grandma in town.
330
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:03,903
The hottest grandma?
331
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,071
The-the hottest grandma?
332
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,701
The hottest grandma!
333
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:13,913
Ha-ha! Well, I mean, okay.
334
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,206
The hottest grandma
should be Jennifer Aniston,
335
00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:18,876
but the Counting Crows guy
wasn't ready to commit.
336
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:21,795
Poor bastard thought
it was gonna be an endless run.
337
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,301
That was Bruce and Jeffrey.
338
00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:30,387
They're not coming to get Liza Judy Barbra
until tomorrow now.
339
00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:32,139
Ugh. Why not?
340
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:34,308
Not that you guys
care about this sort of thing,
341
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:36,602
but Jeffrey wrote
a murder mystery that premieres
342
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,021
tonight at the Cracker Barrel
in Sturbridge.
343
00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,398
Oh, no!
344
00:15:41,398 --> 00:15:43,734
Yeah, but if you's got to go...
345
00:15:49,990 --> 00:15:52,868
I made this a cutaway
so I could see the show.
346
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,498
Peekaboo!
347
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,678
Yeah, yeah,
it's hard to laugh without farting.
348
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:13,472
Feels like you and me are on
the same page about a lot of stuff.
349
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,976
We work well together,
like the employees at T.J. Maxx.
350
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,686
Hey, where should I put these?
351
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,688
Just throw them on the floor
and step on them.
352
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,690
That's our founder's motto.
353
00:16:23,774 --> 00:16:26,026
{\an8}T.J. Maxx. Teach your kids to drive
354
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:27,778
{\an8}in our empty parking lot.
355
00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:34,702
Guys, look.
356
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:37,413
Look at me. Now that I'm a hot grandma,
357
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,581
I bought one of those novelty wine glasses
358
00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:42,209
that's big enough
to hold an entire bottle of wine.
359
00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:44,378
Isn't that hilarious?
360
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:47,881
It's okay.
361
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:49,508
That was worth it for the joke.
362
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:50,801
You did good, Lois.
363
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,636
You're building a comedic voice.
364
00:16:52,636 --> 00:16:56,306
Okay. Here we go, Liza Judy Barbra.
365
00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:59,059
Your first strained peas.
366
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:03,731
Wow, she is the most memorable
367
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:06,400
and endearing baby I've ever seen.
368
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,402
Okay, then.
369
00:17:10,487 --> 00:17:12,906
Oh, I'm sorry,
are you... are you almost done?
370
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:15,242
Oh, yeah, no, sorry,
I'm just, I'm doing sets.
371
00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:17,911
- I'm just doing little sets.
- Oh, cool, cool.
372
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,663
- Guys, he's doing little sets.
- Cool, cool.
373
00:17:19,663 --> 00:17:21,123
- Little sets.
- Cool, cool.
374
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,125
Meg, I am so impressed.
375
00:17:23,125 --> 00:17:25,335
Yeah, I had no idea
you could be so maternal.
376
00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:27,880
I always saw you
as a "drive into the lake" mom.
377
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,339
So did I, Mom.
378
00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:32,509
But, honestly, since
Liza Judy Barbra was born,
379
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:36,096
I feel like my life has purpose
for the first time.
380
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:37,556
Knock-knock.
381
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:39,391
I know this may be not a good time,
382
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,560
but we just had to
come see our little angel.
383
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,103
"Had to come see"?
384
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:44,563
Where have you two been?
385
00:17:44,563 --> 00:17:46,732
Watching Mamma Mia and making popovers.
386
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:48,525
What is wrong with you two?
387
00:17:48,525 --> 00:17:50,319
How irresponsible can you be?
388
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,571
I mean, this is your daughter
you abandoned.
389
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:54,823
Abandoned? We wanted to come over,
390
00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:57,367
but Meg kept saying it was a bad time.
391
00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:59,369
Meg, is that true?
392
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:06,376
This baby needs me.
393
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:09,296
It's the first living thing
that's ever needed me.
394
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,799
For once, my life has purpose.
395
00:18:11,799 --> 00:18:13,383
And I'm good at this.
396
00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:15,177
Better than these two, anyway.
397
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,887
Maybe she's right.
398
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:19,264
What businesses
do we have raising a child?
399
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:21,809
And how's is we supposed
to pay for her school?
400
00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:23,894
With our Tesla and cashmere money?
401
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:25,312
I don't think so.
402
00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:27,898
We could dip into our boozy brunch fund.
403
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:29,233
Don't you dare.
404
00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,776
Oh, listen to me.
405
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,570
I wouldn't know how to raise a baby.
406
00:18:33,570 --> 00:18:36,573
I'm sure she knows that, too.
407
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,411
Gaga.
408
00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:42,913
Gaga?
409
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,373
Bruce, did you hear that?
410
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,708
She said her first gay icon.
411
00:18:46,708 --> 00:18:48,127
Jeanne Tripplehorn.
412
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:51,463
Oh, my God, a second,
lesser-known gay icon.
413
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,215
She wants her daddies.
414
00:18:53,215 --> 00:18:54,716
Meg, I'm sorry.
415
00:18:54,716 --> 00:18:57,553
I know we're not perfect,
but no parent is.
416
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:59,263
And this is our child.
417
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:00,639
She belongs with us.
418
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:03,517
But you don't know anything
about raising a child.
419
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:04,893
No one does.
420
00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:07,312
That's why two out of three
don't turn out right.
421
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:09,481
But that doesn't mean you don't try.
422
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:18,323
Meg, we'll always appreciate
what you've done for us.
423
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,618
And you'll always be
a part of Liza Judy Barbra's life.
424
00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:25,122
Yeah. You'll always
be that slightly creepy teen
425
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:28,458
who birthed our baby
and then we gradually lost touch with.
426
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,210
You better promise.
427
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:31,628
- We do.
- We do.
428
00:19:31,628 --> 00:19:33,463
In that case...
429
00:19:35,507 --> 00:19:38,177
...I'll take a chance on you.
430
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,095
♪ If you're all alone ♪
431
00:19:40,095 --> 00:19:42,389
♪ When the pretty birds have flown... ♪
432
00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:43,765
- No!
- That can't be
433
00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:45,726
the first time our baby hears ABBA.
434
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,478
That's right.
It should be at a jockstrap foam rave
435
00:19:48,478 --> 00:19:50,314
in Miami Beach, same as me.
436
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:51,899
What? Wait!
437
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:53,901
But-but I'm the hot grandma!
438
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:56,069
You're a grandma?
439
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:58,238
You look amazing!
440
00:19:58,238 --> 00:20:00,407
Oh, you. Come on.
441
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,826
Could a grandma wear this to a spin class?
442
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:05,579
I mean, yes, she could, because I did,
443
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:07,414
so that happened.
444
00:20:07,414 --> 00:20:08,498
Thank you, Meg.
445
00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:10,083
You've completed our family.
446
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:13,503
We have our baby and we have you.
447
00:20:13,503 --> 00:20:14,922
Well, I guess that means
448
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:17,216
I can get rid of all my hot grandma merch.
449
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,509
I'll just donate it to Goodwill.
450
00:20:19,509 --> 00:20:21,720
You know what "GILF" means, right?
451
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,181
Yeah. "God, I Love Fentanyl."
452
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:25,682
You said it, pal.
453
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,607
Well, Bruce and Jeffrey, I got to say,
454
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:35,108
you two have really stepped up
455
00:20:35,108 --> 00:20:37,194
to become a couple of great dads.
456
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:38,278
Thank you, Lois.
457
00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:39,655
You sound a bit surprised,
458
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:41,990
which seems right
for a woman with that haircut,
459
00:20:41,990 --> 00:20:44,451
but you're sweet to say so.
460
00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:46,370
Uh-oh.
461
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:48,664
Someone's being a little fussy britches.
462
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,082
Oh, she's tired.
463
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,292
You get the lights
and I'll sing her to sleep.
464
00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:01,969
Yeah, that seems about right
for a guy with that haircut.
465
00:21:01,969 --> 00:21:03,887
Thank you, Peter.