1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
2
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
5
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
6
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things that make us ♪
7
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
8
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071
♪ He's a family guy ♪
9
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:37,996
{\an8}Hey, Meg.
10
00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:39,497
{\an8}What's with the cupcakes?
11
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:40,623
{\an8}I'm celebrating.
12
00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:43,335
{\an8}Oh, last night I had my period
or a miscarriage.
13
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:44,502
{\an8}Not sure which.
14
00:00:44,502 --> 00:00:46,629
{\an8}Either way, happy un-birthday.
15
00:00:51,259 --> 00:00:52,510
{\an8}Where's my phone?
16
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:53,678
{\an8}I gotta text Patty
17
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:56,806
{\an8}and let her know she can have
half of these for her cat's funeral.
18
00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:01,061
{\an8}Coltrane's wake is gonna be lit.
19
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,771
{\an8}Pics to follow.
20
00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:05,857
What the hell?
21
00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:08,068
- What happened?
- [phone dings]
22
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,197
Hey, Meg.
23
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:16,451
No turkey dinner is complete
without a little under-nut squash.
24
00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:20,830
What a jerk.
25
00:01:22,290 --> 00:01:23,291
{\an8}[phone beeps]
26
00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:26,544
{\an8}Oh, well.
27
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:30,215
{\an8}Time to go transport a Texas resident
to her reproductive health appointment.
28
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:40,475
{\an8}Okay, Brian. Let's play another round
of my favorite game.
29
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:43,603
{\an8}Read Lois's mail
and laugh at her sad life.
30
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:45,855
"Fall Lane Bryant catalog."
31
00:01:45,855 --> 00:01:48,942
Looks like we'll be getting
some cranberry pants in the mail.
32
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,819
"Fertility Bank of New England."
33
00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,487
Oh, this one I've got to see.
34
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:54,322
{\an8}"Dear Lois Pewterschmidt,
35
00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:59,160
{\an8}thank you again for your compensated
donation of ten eggs in 1997.
36
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,704
{\an8}This letter is to inform you
37
00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:04,249
{\an8}that the nine remaining eggs
have been destroyed for lack of interest."
38
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,542
{\an8}What? Let me see that.
39
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:07,085
{\an8}Oh, this is so perfect.
40
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:10,171
{\an8}The old slag literally sold her body
for money.
41
00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:11,423
{\an8}All right, let's not judge her.
42
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,550
{\an8}She was trying to earn
a little extra money in college,
43
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:15,176
{\an8}and I wonder what human eggs taste like.
44
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,344
{\an8}Wait a second.
45
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:18,972
{\an8}"The nine remaining eggs."
46
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,849
{\an8}Lois donated ten eggs.
47
00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:24,394
{\an8}If there were nine remaining,
that means one of them was used.
48
00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,646
{\an8}Hate how much I wanna try
human eggs right now.
49
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,274
{\an8}Brian, listen. I have a lost half-sibling.
50
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:31,735
{\an8}He or she is just out there someplace.
51
00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:35,071
{\an8}Why, I haven't been this shocked
since Chris showed me his jack-in-the-box.
52
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:38,241
{\an8}Chris, what did you do to this box?
53
00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,910
{\an8}It's not called a jack-elsewhere.
54
00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,916
{\an8}Oh, it's Master. Here, Master.
55
00:02:46,916 --> 00:02:49,753
{\an8}Master may change the TV
to a channel that pleases her.
56
00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,546
{\an8}Uh, what's going on?
57
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:55,008
{\an8}Master's latest social media post
has become popular on the Internet,
58
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,926
{\an8}so now Master rules the family.
59
00:02:56,926 --> 00:02:58,219
{\an8}What are you talking about?
60
00:02:58,219 --> 00:02:59,763
[phone dings]
61
00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:00,847
Oh, my God!
62
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:06,186
This cupcake video got 20,000 likes!
63
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,562
[Peter] Only likes matter.
64
00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,272
Likes rule all.
65
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,358
And wow, look at all these comments.
66
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,943
People are saying
I should get Chris a FansOnly page.
67
00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:15,028
What's FansOnly?
68
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:20,492
It's a fetish website where amateurs post
racy videos that subscribers pay to see.
69
00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:25,288
Wait, people would pay money
to watch a husky teen sit on food?
70
00:03:25,288 --> 00:03:26,539
Oh, yeah.
71
00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:27,874
Very much so.
72
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:35,423
Um, would you be interested?
73
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,967
I could set everything up
and handle the administrative side.
74
00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,344
You could just sit on stuff.
75
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:40,929
We'd split the profits.
76
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:44,432
You think you're the first person
to pitch me a crush fetish website?
77
00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:46,893
Go get a business plan, some seed capital
78
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:49,020
and an S-corp registered
in the state of Delaware,
79
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,564
and then maybe we'll talk.
80
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:56,903
♪ Not everything has to be a montage ♪
81
00:03:56,903 --> 00:04:02,867
♪ Meg filling out a bunch of forms
Is not very interesting ♪
82
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:07,330
♪ But the guy who drew this
Worked very hard ♪
83
00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:10,834
♪ And we don't have the heart
To cut it now ♪
84
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:17,841
♪ Especially since that guy
Recently lost custody of his children ♪
85
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,678
- I'm in.
- [Meg gasps]
86
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,767
Rupert, I can't stop thinking about
87
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:30,145
the fact that I've got a sibling
out there someplace.
88
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:34,149
So today, I will hack into the world's
most sophisticated surveillance networks,
89
00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:37,485
scan for Pewterschmidt DNA markers
from Lois's donated egg,
90
00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:40,280
locate my comrade,
and together we shall be unstoppab--
91
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,365
[ringing]
92
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:45,702
Stewie, tell Mommy that Daddy fell.
93
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:46,786
- Quickly.
- [audio breaking up]
94
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,291
Aha! We have a match...
95
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,792
[beeping]
96
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,586
...in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
97
00:04:54,586 --> 00:05:01,384
Of course. Someone sharing my DNA may well
be a scholar at Harvard or MIT. Or Tufts.
98
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,221
Oh, come on.
The SAT is not biased against bears.
99
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,599
Jewish bears? You're Jewish?
100
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:11,061
No, it's fine. It's just-- It's just
the kind of thing you tell someone.
101
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:21,738
{\an8}[beeping]
102
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:25,200
Supposedly, one of these eggheads
is my brother or sister, Rupert.
103
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,284
But which one?
104
00:05:26,284 --> 00:05:28,036
And how will we find each other?
105
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,413
Perhaps we share mannerisms.
106
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:31,998
Hey, "Damn you all."
107
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,083
Yeah?
108
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,501
"Curse you, vile woman."
109
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,710
Am I right?
110
00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:38,672
"Victory shall be mine," you know?
Anything?
111
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,256
That was big in the '90s.
112
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:42,258
[sighs] I don't understand.
113
00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:44,844
My genius Harvard sibling
should be right here.
114
00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,305
[laughing]
115
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,724
{\an8}Eat my whiz, you Harvard fruit bags.
116
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,355
Oh, my God. That must be him.
117
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,606
And hey, don't do that.
118
00:05:56,606 --> 00:06:00,402
Harvard is a respected institution
that only produces our nation's finest.
119
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:03,780
- ♪ The boys are back in town ♪
- ♪The boys are back in town ♪
120
00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:09,703
- ♪ I said ♪
- ♪ The boys are back in town ♪
121
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,538
Our apologies to the Unabomber.
122
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,540
It was a cheap shot to include him.
123
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,548
So you and me got some of the same DNA
124
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:24,134
on account of your mom
sold off her inside parts?
125
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,553
- Dude, that's bizarre.
- Mmm. Quite.
126
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:29,723
Yeah, my mom didn't like how I came out,
so she left me at an orphanage.
127
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,307
But nobody's adopted me, so screw that.
128
00:06:31,307 --> 00:06:33,393
Got outta there,
moved under the Fenway stands.
129
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,937
- I survive on racist bleacher farts.
- That's great.
130
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:38,815
Now, I don't suppose you have
a hidden cache of advanced weaponry
131
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,400
and plans for global conquest?
132
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,818
Nah, but you know what I do got?
133
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:44,112
A list of five movies
that I cry at the end of.
134
00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,780
Number one, Braveheart.
135
00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,949
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, that one gets me.
136
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:49,075
It gets me.
137
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,910
Uh, number two, Scarface, I cry.
138
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:53,246
Guy builds up the whole empire
and just dies, right?
139
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,956
Uh, number three, Dodgeball.
140
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:57,334
Everybody looks past those guys.
Nobody believed in 'em.
141
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:58,501
Couldn't catch for nothin'.
142
00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,920
I'll tell you, Justin Long,
he couldn't catch a cold,
143
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,173
and still they win the thing, you know?
Here I go.
144
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,806
Camera's rolling.
You can go when you're ready.
145
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:14,351
Welcome, FansOnly subscribers.
146
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:17,479
My dad fell in the shower,
so we kinda need the money.
147
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:19,647
[moans, sighs]
148
00:07:19,647 --> 00:07:20,732
Thank you.
149
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,776
Wow! That was great.
150
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,027
How was that for you?
151
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:25,153
It was amazing.
152
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:28,156
We just created art in front of our fans.
153
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:32,243
I wonder if this is how French
pointillist painter Georges Seurat felt.
154
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:35,205
[audience] Ooh!
155
00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,915
Yeah!
156
00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:39,959
Ooh!
157
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,711
Yeah!
158
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:43,338
No way! Orange?
159
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,631
Orange, you guys!
160
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,175
[audience] Ooh!
161
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,802
Yeah!
162
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,637
- Seurat! Seurat! Seurat!
- Seurat!
163
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,931
What did I miss? Were the dots tiny?
164
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,933
Oh, my God. So tiny.
165
00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,479
All right, here's my house, see?
166
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,898
Anyway, it's been nice to meet you,
but I'm very busy today.
167
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:05,318
No way. How come your house ain't attached
to two other houses on either side?
168
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,736
There could be just one house?
169
00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:07,862
Um. I guess.
170
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:10,573
And where's your American flag,
but with blue stripes for cops?
171
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,201
I don't know, man. But listen,
you can stay for just a few minutes.
172
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:14,786
No way, you got crazy straws?
173
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:16,454
Wait. No. No. No. Those are the fat man's.
174
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:19,207
He likes to pretend
his juice is on a roller coaster.
175
00:08:19,207 --> 00:08:20,875
I don't care. I'm using one.
176
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:25,630
All right, Capri-Suns,
who's ready to ride Thunder Mountain?
177
00:08:26,548 --> 00:08:28,466
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
178
00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,885
You know the crazy straws
are only for Daddy.
179
00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:32,262
Up yours, old man.
180
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:36,433
That's it. I'd give you the belt,
but I wore a 1990s braided belt today,
181
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,852
and I like how it makes
me look like Blossom's dad.
182
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,353
Yeah? How about I give you the belt?
183
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,313
- [grunting] Stop it. You're hurting me.
- Yeah. Take that.
184
00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:45,316
I'll drink outta any straw I want,
you piece of crap. You hear me?
185
00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:48,069
I need that belt.
I'm taking my LinkedIn photo later.
186
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:51,322
[Peter grunting, crying]
187
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:55,285
Hmm. Turns out this thug
may actually be useful to me.
188
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,661
Well, isn't that a surprise?
189
00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,997
Like the Japanese attack on David Harbour.
190
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:02,208
Hi. Kenji Mifune, Tokyo Daily.
191
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:04,961
Why do you always look like
you just woke up in a dumpster?
192
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:13,595
All right, Rupert, time to make use of
that crude Boston body double.
193
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:14,679
Here we go.
194
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,891
Lois, I'd like to request
a later bedtime, please.
195
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:20,852
I'm a big boy now,
and I think I can make it to 6:45.
196
00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:21,978
Go away, Stewie.
197
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:26,024
Mommy's looking at real estate listings
and dreaming of any life other than this.
198
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,859
I see. All right, then.
199
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,825
- [crashing, banging]
- [Lois screaming]
200
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,830
Your new bedtime
is whenever you [bleep] want.
201
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:44,084
Splendid.
I also have a school-related task for you.
202
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,756
Um, class, I-I know Teacher Jeremy said
203
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,801
everyone would get a turn
as classroom Star of The Week.
204
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:57,222
But, new plan, uh, Stewie will now be
Star of The Week every week.
205
00:09:57,222 --> 00:09:58,765
Also, instead of circle time,
206
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:02,018
we're just gonna watch TV dramas
where Denis Leary plays a fireman.
207
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:04,312
{\an8}That's a smart cookie,
that Teacher Jeremy.
208
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,815
But right now,
we're gonna do show-and-tell.
209
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:10,527
Who wants to go fir-- Stewie.
Uh, let's do Stewie.
210
00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:14,280
Oh, God. I don't got nothing prepared.
Let me see what I got in my pockets here.
211
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:17,492
Um, here's a Cumberland Farms reward card.
212
00:10:17,492 --> 00:10:19,285
Shotgun shell full of shark teeth.
213
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,287
Donnie Wahlberg's actual cigar cutter.
214
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,832
Key card for my ex-girlfriend's
parking garage.
215
00:10:23,832 --> 00:10:25,458
Zippo lighter I got in Cancún.
216
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:28,169
I freaking love Cancún.
I don't know why you'd go anywhere else.
217
00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:31,256
A flat, dry condom
in case Charlene's ovulating.
218
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:34,467
A clipping of a newspaper story
where I'm quoted about a house fire.
219
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,386
And a bloody shoe
from the marathon bombing
220
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,388
I keep in a Caldor's bag in my closet.
221
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,472
Any questions?
222
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,946
[whispering] That's SmushBoy-15.
He's gross.
223
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:57,115
He'll sit on anything. He's a sit-slut.
224
00:10:57,115 --> 00:11:00,577
He's also really good at hearing
the whispers of nearby diners.
225
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,331
Excuse me, SmushBoy.
226
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:08,835
I-I'm wondering if you could come over
and sit on my wife's avocado.
227
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,920
Come on, man. I'm out with my family.
228
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,256
You Hollywood celebrities! Sheesh.
229
00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:14,924
Don't meet your heroes, huh?
230
00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:24,476
[breathes deeply]
231
00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:28,355
Okay, everyone.
This is another SmushBoy live stream.
232
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,690
Let's try to play nice this time, okay?
233
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,026
[viewer] Hey. Uh, squash that brownie
with your knee.
234
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,527
I don't do knee stuff.
235
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,364
I told you guys that from the beginning.
Sheesh!
236
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:38,698
What the hell, Chris?
237
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,116
You've had a crummy attitude
238
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,160
from the moment you walked in here
this morning.
239
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:46,414
Well, duh. The moment I walk in,
you start running new pie designs at me.
240
00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:49,084
What do we do with pie designs, Meg? Huh?
241
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:50,377
What do we do?
242
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,837
- Email them to Tristan.
- Email them to Tristan.
243
00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:55,090
Look, I don't like being
a broken record here,
244
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:59,678
but why do we have those Monday meetings
if nobody's gonna follow the process?
245
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:01,429
Anyone? Briana?
246
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,098
Heath? Hello?
247
00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:06,976
[sighs] You know what, guys, if you can't
start sorting these things out,
248
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:10,021
I-I don't see how we can even do
summer Fridays anymore.
249
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,857
Oh, now you're paying attention.
250
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:15,193
Chris, you can't talk to people like that.
251
00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:17,195
Oh, fine. Then, maybe I'll talk like this.
252
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,239
Everyone, I quit!
253
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:23,493
Come along, multiple exotic pets
symbolizing my spiritual corruption.
254
00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,245
- [snake hisses]
- [monkey shrieks]
255
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:37,507
Good night, Stewie, at 11:45 p.m.,
which is a bedtime that works for you.
256
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,426
I love you, sweetie.
257
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:46,391
Hey, that was kind of nice
what just happened right there.
258
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:48,393
- What do you mean?
- You got a kiss from your mom,
259
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:51,229
and not just 'cause you blew into
that tube that lets her start the car.
260
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:54,107
You know, I always wanted to get adopted
and have parents of my own.
261
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,485
Heck, my old orphanage even has
its annual adoption fair next week,
262
00:12:57,485 --> 00:13:00,280
but forget it, nobody wants to adopt
a messed-up kid like me.
263
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,990
Hey. Hey. Hey.
264
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,701
Can we not do shoes on my white area rug?
265
00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:08,288
And also, hey, hey, hey.
266
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,581
You want to get adopted?
267
00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:11,916
- I will help you get adopted.
- What?
268
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:16,129
Starting tomorrow, I will teach you
how to be a normal adoptable child.
269
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:17,797
Ah, dude, that's awesome.
270
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,007
All right. Good night, kiddo.
271
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:22,385
I'm gonna go hide out in the dry tub
and watch your sister take a whiz.
272
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:32,437
Dad, thanks again for filling in
after Chris got all big-headed and quit.
273
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,814
I'm excited to start shooting
these videos with you.
274
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:38,151
Yeah. Um, about the videos,
I couldn't help but notice
275
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,905
you've got me squatting on
generic Jell-O, not the name brand.
276
00:13:41,905 --> 00:13:43,365
Does it make a difference?
277
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:45,867
[laughing] Oh! Do--
Does it make a difference?
278
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:47,494
You're-- You're adorable.
279
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:50,413
And why am I snorting regular cocaine,
280
00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:53,166
when I specifically requested
bacon-wrapped cocaine?
281
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,377
There's no such thing
as bacon-wrapped cocaine.
282
00:13:55,377 --> 00:13:57,921
Yeah.
Tell that to Chris Farley's autopsy photo.
283
00:13:57,921 --> 00:13:59,923
Also, your nose is bleeding heavily.
284
00:14:00,799 --> 00:14:01,966
Yeah, that's allergies.
285
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,760
I'm allergic to bacon and cocaine.
286
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,346
Tell you, this is
the most unprofessional film set
287
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,723
since they cast Timothée Chalamet in Dune.
288
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:13,436
My father came not for spice,
not for riches--
289
00:14:14,020 --> 00:14:15,105
Whoa! [screams]
290
00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:16,856
{\an8}Cut! Wind guy!
291
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,943
{\an8}I told you guys
he shouldn't be in windy movies.
292
00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,277
{\an8}Frigging told you guys.
293
00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,658
All right, we've got just one week
294
00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:29,619
to turn you into a normal,
regular kid who can be adopted.
295
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:32,622
Parents love reading ABC books
with their little ones,
296
00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:34,207
so let's practice that, shall we?
297
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:36,960
"A." Asswipe.
298
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,005
Okay, close, close. How about this one?
299
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,048
"B." Bastard.
300
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,633
We are oh-for-two.
301
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:46,928
Yeah, I'm gonna skip C. I feel like I know
what you're gonna say for that.
302
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:51,349
D, F-- And I know you're gonna go
for that F, not the usual F.
303
00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:53,184
Yeah, I'm not sure this is gonna work.
304
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,940
You're, like, two hours late, Dad.
305
00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:01,985
I'm sorry, Meg. But as an artist,
I simply cannot create
306
00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:05,196
until you have finished dry-cleaning
all of my Halloween costumes.
307
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:09,576
I tried, but they couldn't get the stain
out of your Emperor Palpatine robe.
308
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:10,869
Take it someplace else.
309
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,370
Take it every place else!
310
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,039
[sighs]
311
00:15:16,666 --> 00:15:22,714
♪ We keep doing montages
Of the wrong things ♪
312
00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:25,383
♪ And here's another one
We should have cut ♪
313
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,178
♪ But the guy who draws these up ♪
314
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:32,390
♪ And lost custody of his kids ♪
315
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:38,271
♪ He got a DUI since the last montage ♪
316
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:41,983
[Chris sighs]
317
00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:48,448
Chris, what are you doing? [sniffs]
318
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,617
And why does it smell so bad in here?
319
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:55,205
Uh, well, my exotic pets
somehow all killed each other.
320
00:15:56,706 --> 00:16:00,001
Still not quite sure
what the sequence was there.
321
00:16:00,502 --> 00:16:01,503
Anyway, Meg.
322
00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:04,297
I just wanna say
I'm really happy for you and Dad
323
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,675
that you're doing that website together.
324
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,843
Uh, thanks, Chris.
325
00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,428
No. Thank you.
326
00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:13,431
I just wish I didn't screw everything up,
you know?
327
00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:16,726
Treated you like a carrot muffin
I butt-smothered for money.
328
00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,478
But you're not a carrot muffin.
329
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,689
You're my sister, and I forgot that.
330
00:16:20,689 --> 00:16:22,816
It's okay, Chris. I forgive you.
331
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:26,236
Hey, call out any Boston Market sides.
332
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:28,947
It's Friday and we're gorgin'.
333
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:38,832
Told you, Stewie.
Nobody wants to adopt this loser.
334
00:16:43,628 --> 00:16:44,713
Okay, look sharp.
335
00:16:44,713 --> 00:16:46,756
These people may be your last chance.
336
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:49,009
Just do everything
the way we rehearsed it.
337
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,012
Hey, little man. How are you?
338
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:54,639
I am fine and in good physical health.
339
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:57,934
Aw. What kind of toys
do you like, sweetie?
340
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:01,730
Um. Y-You know, a doll,
because that's okay for a boy, I'm told.
341
00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:03,273
But yeah, any-- any toy's fine.
342
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:06,317
An outside ball for throwing inside.
I mean, you know, whatever you got.
343
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:07,652
So sweet.
344
00:17:08,153 --> 00:17:10,113
Hey, what do you wanna be
when you grow up?
345
00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:13,366
When I grow up,
I wanna be a body-cam-off police officer.
346
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,286
I-I-I mean just a regular police officer.
347
00:17:22,459 --> 00:17:26,796
How would you like us to adopt you
so that you can come live with us
348
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:31,885
and be a Jets fan, not a Pats fan,
because we are a Jets family?
349
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:35,305
[both grunting]
350
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:38,641
[bleep] Jets are a straight [bleep]
dog[bleep] franchise, bro.
351
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:42,145
The last jet that actually mattered in NYC
is the one that hit the South Tower.
352
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:43,396
Whoa, whoa.
353
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:45,857
Okay, so that wasn't a match.
354
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:55,158
I'm sorry. I really thought I could help
you find a family of your own.
355
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,618
What's going on over there?
356
00:17:56,618 --> 00:18:00,830
Holy crap, it's Mark Wahlberg's seven
freckle-chested sisters from The Fighter.
357
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,457
I'm sorry, ladies.
358
00:18:02,457 --> 00:18:03,667
You have to leave.
359
00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:05,585
What? For why?
360
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:09,547
We caught you sneaking outside beers
into the adoption fair.
361
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:14,427
If you're going to be at the adoption
fair, you have to buy adoption fair beers.
362
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,930
Fine. We'll drink in the parking lot!
363
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:20,100
Whatever kid doesn't get picked,
just leave him outside!
364
00:18:20,684 --> 00:18:22,811
Hey, April. Check out that one.
365
00:18:22,811 --> 00:18:27,023
Whoa. Now, that's a good-looking
government subsidy right there.
366
00:18:27,982 --> 00:18:29,067
Um.
367
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:31,236
- Hi there.
- Hey, bud.
368
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:34,364
I see you got the same
Aaron Hernandez tattoo I got.
369
00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:35,740
You wanna come live with us?
370
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:39,119
We live near an overpass, and we got
lots and lots of D batteries to throw.
371
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,791
Go on. Get outta here.
372
00:18:48,294 --> 00:18:50,380
Have a great life with your seven moms!
373
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,173
Well, one of 'em will be my mom.
374
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,967
Six of 'em will be my girlfriend.
375
00:18:53,967 --> 00:18:56,302
[chuckles] The dude's a legend.
376
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:04,436
Hey, baby.
377
00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:06,396
You wanna party with that ice-cream cone?
378
00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,981
Five bucks and I'll sit on it.
379
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,568
Hey, hey.
380
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:16,489
Twenty bucks if you'll mash
a Chipwich with your knee.
381
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:19,409
[sighs] Let's see the Chipwich.
382
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,454
No! He doesn't do knee stuff.
383
00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:24,330
What is wrong with you sickos?
384
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,708
What happened to you, man?
385
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:28,501
This is all I'm good for, Meg.
386
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,795
It's-- It's all people see me as.
387
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,505
That's not true, Chris.
388
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:36,009
You have so much to offer,
and I've got something for you.
389
00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:38,053
Buttercream?
390
00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:40,263
You bet your ass, buttercream.
391
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:43,224
Wait!
392
00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:45,226
This one we do together.
393
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:51,358
["Up Where We Belong" playing]
394
00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:55,779
♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪
395
00:19:57,155 --> 00:20:00,367
♪ Where the eagles cry ♪
396
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:08,500
So, Chris, after your recent adventure
397
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,877
behind the scenes
of the adult video world,
398
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:13,630
you're probably not even able to enjoy
pornography anym--
399
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,882
Wrong!
400
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:19,803
Uh, okay. Well, I gotta go
to the county registrar's office.
401
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:23,556
Need to re-register our business
as inactive and change our filing status.
402
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:31,398
♪ Undoing a corporation
Is surprisingly complicated ♪
403
00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:37,278
♪ But it still doesn't make for
A good montage ♪
404
00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:38,905
Hey, Gavin.
405
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,240
Yeah, it's Dad.
406
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:44,744
Well, the court says I get two
guaranteed calls a week, so I'm calling.
407
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,079
[chuckles, inhales]
408
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:48,832
Can you please tell your mother
to get off the extension?
409
00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:52,293
No, in-person visits
have to be supervised,
410
00:20:52,293 --> 00:20:54,504
but the calls
do not have to be supervised,
411
00:20:54,504 --> 00:20:56,256
so she can get off the phone now.
412
00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:00,218
Daddy knows what Mommy's breathing
sounds like, bud.
413
00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:02,178
Get off the phone, Janet!