1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
2
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
6
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's a family guy ♪
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{\an8}So Brian's checkup went very well.
10
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,830
{\an8}He only bit me eight times
while I tried to brush his teeth.
11
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:42,917
{\an8}Wonderful. And does he have the red,
hairless undercarriage of an older dog?
12
00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:46,129
{\an8}He sure does. He's the Jason Alexander
of hairless scroti.
13
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:49,466
{\an8}And, you know, if you're interested,
we're doing a 50%-off promotion
14
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,384
{\an8}on our new state-of-the-art tracking chip.
15
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:54,304
{\an8}It connects to an app
that will monitor Brian's vitals,
16
00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:57,307
{\an8}and even has a Bluetooth speaker,
so you can play songs through him.
17
00:00:57,307 --> 00:01:00,560
{\an8}Awesome. Oh, I'm gonna blast Ed Sheeran
right through his stomach.
18
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,731
{\an8}That'll really showcase my milquetoast
personality and lack of masculine vigor.
19
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:07,650
{\an8}Great. I'll introduce you to our nurse
who handles the procedure.
20
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,652
{\an8}Hi, I'm Emma. And don't worry,
21
00:01:09,652 --> 00:01:12,489
{\an8}I'm wearing scrubs that hide my tattoos
to give you confidence.
22
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,908
{\an8}Terrific. And now,
like in every hospital situation,
23
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,494
{\an8}I'll depart,
and a woman will do the actual work.
24
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,039
Okay. We're almost done.
25
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:24,417
And you're all set.
26
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,879
Yeah.
Playing Ed Sheeran through my dog.
27
00:01:27,879 --> 00:01:29,214
I'm like a cool dentist.
28
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:31,633
Wow. I barely felt that.
You're very gentle.
29
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:35,136
Thanks. I love animals.
It's why I do this.
30
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:39,641
{\an8}I even pride myself on being able to find
every dog's spot, right behind the ears.
31
00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:41,601
{\an8}Well, maybe you can find mine sometime.
32
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,311
{\an8}I'd be tempted to ask you to coffee,
33
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,647
{\an8}but I'm sure a girl like you
is already seeing someone.
34
00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:46,731
{\an8}I wish.
35
00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:49,818
{\an8}Guys don't want a girlfriend
who comes home smelling like dog pee.
36
00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:51,319
{\an8}I'm practically a fire hydrant.
37
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:53,655
Is-- Is-- Is that right?
38
00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:56,241
{\an8}Yeah. And my car's so filthy.
39
00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:59,244
{\an8}I need someone to stick their head out
the window to help navigate.
40
00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,578
{\an8}Head-- Head out the window?
41
00:02:00,578 --> 00:02:03,164
{\an8}To be honest,
all I like to do is play tennis,
42
00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,749
{\an8}but I'm not even that good.
43
00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:08,002
{\an8}I keep hitting the balls over the fence
and have no one to retrieve them.
44
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:10,004
{\an8}Hey. Hey, babe, babe. I'm in.
45
00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:15,009
{\an8}Well, I'm going to a concert this Friday.
Wanna come? It's at Quahog Church.
46
00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:18,054
Church? So, is it, uh, Christian rock?
47
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:21,516
Yeah, I'm an evangelical Christian.
Is that a problem?
48
00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:24,644
- Well, I'm not really a big fan of--
- There's your spot.
49
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:31,734
Goal!
50
00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:35,738
Sorry, I interrupted you.
51
00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:36,823
You were saying?
52
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:40,827
I-- Well, I-- Just that I'm not a big fan
of anything but Jesus.
53
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,412
He's the best.
54
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,497
Well, him and whoever fired Bob Barker.
55
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:45,915
Neuter yourself, dick.
56
00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:47,500
I know. What a jerk.
57
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,794
Wasn't he also accused
of sexual harassment?
58
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:53,548
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dog stuff though.
I-- You know, come on.
59
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,637
{\an8}We now return to the Italian Tony Awards.
60
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:00,889
Hey, I'm Tony.
61
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,390
And for the 30th year in a row,
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00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:05,476
the best musical is the only one
that I've seen, Cats.
63
00:03:05,476 --> 00:03:07,896
Hey, you hear that?
Tony likes a musical.
64
00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:09,564
Hey, pipe down, boombots.
65
00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:12,066
Everybody knows in high school
you had an earring.
66
00:03:12,066 --> 00:03:14,027
{\an8}All right, I'm going out.
I'll see you guys later.
67
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,571
{\an8}Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wha- What's that around your neck?
68
00:03:18,406 --> 00:03:22,076
{\an8}Well, I, uh, I may have a date
with a Christian girl.
69
00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:26,080
{\an8}Huh, must be hard for you not to bite
what's essentially two crossed sticks.
70
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:28,917
{\an8}Oh, my God. It's so hard.
It's literally all I can think about.
71
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:32,295
{\an8}But I-I really like this girl. You know,
she's perfect in every other way.
72
00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:35,798
I don't know, Bri. You really think
you can convince her you're Christian?
73
00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:39,093
Oh, you're good.
74
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:46,184
Hello, evangelicals.
75
00:03:46,184 --> 00:03:48,102
Who out there is boring?
76
00:03:48,102 --> 00:03:49,437
We are!
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That's right.
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00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:51,856
And before we start,
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I'd like to say a special hello
to our only Black audience member
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00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,530
who's in the front row so he's caught
on all the camera shots.
81
00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:03,952
Wow. Look at all our diversity.
82
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:08,164
Can you believe most people think us
evangelicals are a bunch of nerdy losers?
83
00:04:08,164 --> 00:04:09,749
No. Come on.
84
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,251
Seriously. It's true.
85
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:14,003
Hey, I-I don't normally do this,
86
00:04:14,003 --> 00:04:18,925
but what do you say we go back to my place
after this and get a little crazy?
87
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,426
- Really?
- Yeah.
88
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:24,222
We'll eat sherbet
and watch funny State Farm commercials.
89
00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:27,141
Um. Okay. And-- And then we'll have sex?
90
00:04:27,141 --> 00:04:29,394
Sex? Brian, I'm Christian.
91
00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,813
And no good Christian believes
in sex before marriage.
92
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:34,565
Except for every minister
or politician you've ever heard of.
93
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:37,652
But-- But you scratched my spot.
You-you have tattoos.
94
00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,946
Yeah, of Bible verses.
95
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:44,659
Brian, I think you should leave.
96
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:47,537
Well, fine. And frankly,
I've been wanting to do this all night.
97
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:49,831
My Jesus. Mine.
98
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:52,542
Hey! You can't do that to our savior.
99
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:55,878
Okay, okay. Your savior. Your savior.
100
00:04:58,965 --> 00:05:01,301
We now return to a show about incest...
101
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,636
- Gross.
- ...set 500 years ago.
102
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,972
Ooh, sexy. I feel so sophisticated.
103
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:09,392
Christianity sucks.
It's stupid, arbitrary nonsense.
104
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:11,311
You're horny,
and she wouldn't have sex with you.
105
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,895
No. And I did everything right.
106
00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:15,565
I even researched abortion clinics
in case the condom broke.
107
00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,483
Yeah. No, I know.
It's in your Twitter bio.
108
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,697
Fine. But look around.
109
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,450
So much of the division and hatred
in today's society
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00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:28,036
comes from Christianity,
and it's so hypocritical.
111
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:30,288
I mean, they all vote for Trump
even though he's divorced.
112
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,789
That's all you've got on Trump?
113
00:05:31,789 --> 00:05:34,667
Christianity is also anti-science,
anti-freedom--
114
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:36,336
Come on. It's not all bad.
115
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:39,756
I mean, I have a Swarthy Men
of Nazareth advent calendar
116
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:42,258
with doors opening for all 25 days.
117
00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:45,011
Talk about the stars of Bethlehem,
eh, Bri?
118
00:05:45,011 --> 00:05:47,096
Whatever. Christianity is the worst thing
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00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:49,307
that ever happened to this country
or the world.
120
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,642
Well, perhaps. But it's been around
for 2,000 years,
121
00:05:51,642 --> 00:05:53,895
so it's not like there's anything
you can do about it.
122
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:55,021
Well, I'm going to bed.
123
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,857
I'll leave you to watch John Oliver
and agree with yourself.
124
00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:01,110
Good. Love John Oliver.
He's a louder Jon Stewart.
125
00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:04,781
Blimey,
governor. Republicans are bollocks.
126
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,657
God, the British are smart.
127
00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:09,410
But, man, if only I could get rid
of Christianity.
128
00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:12,914
If only I could go back in time
and stop it from ever taking root.
129
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:14,791
Wait a minute. I can.
130
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:19,879
Sounds like Brian's fixing
to use Stewie's time machine.
131
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:23,007
I'm Mayor West, and my voice
was sped up because the show ran too long.
132
00:06:37,063 --> 00:06:39,399
This time machine is password-protected.
133
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,983
To enter, state name.
134
00:06:40,983 --> 00:06:43,152
Uh, Stewie Griffin.
135
00:06:43,152 --> 00:06:45,071
To prove you're Stewie Griffin,
136
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,948
what is your favorite Lizzo song?
137
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:52,370
Uh, the one about pride
and, uh, being a-a big girl?
138
00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:53,704
Correct.
139
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,602
Perfect. Ancient Israel.
140
00:07:18,646 --> 00:07:19,730
What the hell?
141
00:07:19,730 --> 00:07:22,817
Has anyone seen Brian?
I wanna shred it to Lizzo.
142
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,402
Oh, yeah, I'm that bitch.
143
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:27,488
- ♪ Am I ready ♪
- ♪ Know there ain't no doubt ♪
144
00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:28,823
♪ Am I ready ♪
145
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,666
Uh, excuse me,
I'm looking for a rail-thin guy
146
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,334
with long hair and sandals.
147
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,171
Buddy, you're gonna have
to be more specific.
148
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,506
Uh, his name is Jesus. Jesus Christ.
149
00:07:45,506 --> 00:07:48,426
You mean the guy who showed his wiener
on a dare at camp?
150
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:50,511
That's--
That's what he's known for?
151
00:07:50,511 --> 00:07:53,264
Yeah, he lives about MMLXVI paces
that way.
152
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,766
- What?
- Don't listen to him. He's Roman.
153
00:07:55,766 --> 00:07:58,186
I'm Egyptian, and I can tell you
154
00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:02,273
Jesus lives four cut heads
and three squiggly lines that way.
155
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,025
No, no, no. These guys are jokers.
156
00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:07,111
I'm Greek, and I can tell you
he's 30 thetas that way.
157
00:08:07,111 --> 00:08:10,907
You go 31 thetas, you stop
because that's too many thetas.
158
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:13,659
Brian! There you are.
159
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,245
- Stewie? How the hell did you find me?
- You're chipped.
160
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,290
Wow, that's a good chip.
161
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,834
Look, I'm sorry I used the time machine
without asking,
162
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,754
but I came here to stop Jesus
from starting Christianity.
163
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,840
What? Come on. You know the rules.
You can't change the past.
164
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,427
Even the smallest interaction with someone
from another time period can alter--
165
00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:34,096
Oh, my God, that's December 8th
from the calendar.
166
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:35,431
I have to interact with him.
167
00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:37,225
I thought you said
we couldn't change the past.
168
00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:38,893
Yeah. Just try to keep it close,
all right?
169
00:08:38,893 --> 00:08:42,313
Just keep it close, Bri. You got this.
You got this. I trust you, bro.
170
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:49,529
"Spicy meatball delights patron."
171
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,240
Ugh, no one reports real news anymore.
172
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:57,787
All right. Found you.
Now it's time to take you down.
173
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:01,624
Behold.
174
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:05,795
As my wedding gift,
I turn this water into wine.
175
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,465
- All right.
- Amazing.
176
00:09:09,465 --> 00:09:11,884
And I brought hard seltzer
and a photo booth.
177
00:09:11,884 --> 00:09:13,636
Yeah.
- That's even better.
178
00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,221
Hard seltzer has less calories.
179
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:18,182
And now there's an activity
for people who don't like to dance.
180
00:09:18,182 --> 00:09:21,894
And I-- I also brought a guest book
181
00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:25,481
so everyone can leave a fun note
for the bride and groom.
182
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,902
Okay, fine. A photo booth is better.
183
00:09:36,158 --> 00:09:40,746
Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven--
184
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:43,332
Hey, Jesus. Nice mount.
185
00:09:43,332 --> 00:09:45,918
He's on a higher hill
which shows more confidence.
186
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,504
You again? What the hell is your problem?
187
00:09:48,504 --> 00:09:50,089
Me? What the hell is your problem?
188
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,425
You're always telling everyone
what to do and think.
189
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:56,512
You think I wanna do this stuff?
I only do it because my dad makes me.
190
00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:58,180
Wait. Joseph makes you do this?
191
00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,849
No. My real dad.
192
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:02,768
When I was younger,
Joseph took a paternity test.
193
00:10:02,768 --> 00:10:04,020
We have the results.
194
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,271
And, Joseph,
195
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:08,024
you are not the father.
196
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:11,527
Yes! Yes! Yes! I knew it. I knew it.
197
00:10:11,527 --> 00:10:14,614
Maury! Maury! Maury!
198
00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:22,872
So, anyway, yeah.
All this messiah stuff is my dad's thing.
199
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,374
Hi, I have a hummus plate for Jesus.
200
00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:27,126
Oh, cool.
201
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,795
Okay. I guess it's for both of us.
202
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:32,548
Well, if you don't want to be a messiah,
what do you wanna do?
203
00:10:32,548 --> 00:10:35,051
Honestly? I wanna be a stand-up comedian.
204
00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:36,469
- Really?
- Yeah.
205
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:41,390
Like my friend Jackie the Mason, or Lewis
the Blacksmith or Chris the Rock Piler.
206
00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,143
You know, we can ask for another menu if--
207
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,728
Yeah, I'm not that hungry.
208
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,813
So, why didn't you do comedy then?
209
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:51,150
I guess I've never had the confidence.
I couldn't even come up with jokes.
210
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:52,818
Yikes.
211
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:54,779
Check out Julius Sneezer over there.
212
00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:57,365
Totally.
Hey, you know, that's pretty funny.
213
00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:59,116
What was? That comment?
214
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,244
Whoa, who "sepharted"?
215
00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:05,498
Ha! Hey, you know, I think
you should give comedy another shot.
216
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:09,919
Come on. Does anyone really want to watch
a Jewish guy make snarky observations?
217
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,505
I-I think, uh, that a lot of people
would enjoy that.
218
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,839
- Yes.
- Huh.
219
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:15,925
Then maybe I should try comedy again.
220
00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,344
Only thing is I'd have to talk to my dad.
221
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:27,478
Wow. I went to a party
in this city called Sodom.
222
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:29,480
Have you heard of this place?
223
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,898
So, how's your plan going?
224
00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:32,441
Uh, not great so far.
225
00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:33,609
A comedian?
226
00:11:33,609 --> 00:11:35,778
How could you do this to your mother?
227
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:38,614
What's next? You don't want to marry
your very close cousin?
228
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:39,699
Of course not.
229
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,201
In fact, right now,
I'm weirdly seeing a prostitute
230
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:43,786
with the same name as Mom.
231
00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,623
Come on, Dad. Comedy is my dream.
232
00:11:47,623 --> 00:11:49,709
Well, why couldn't you have told me
about your dream
233
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,794
before I paid for ancient Brandeis?
234
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:52,962
You made me go there.
235
00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,297
You know, nothing I do
is ever good enough for you.
236
00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:56,549
Why don't you just say it?
237
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,385
You hate me, and you wish I had died
in the Punic Wars
238
00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:00,970
instead of my brother Greg.
239
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,432
That's not true. I love you both equally.
240
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:07,268
- Then why won't you touch his room?
- You stay out of Greg's room!
241
00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,644
I have to do something.
242
00:12:08,644 --> 00:12:11,397
It's God. How could you possibly
change his mind?
243
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:14,233
You will never do stand-up comedy.
I forbid it.
244
00:12:15,317 --> 00:12:17,278
Wait. What's that sound?
245
00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:21,991
♪ People smile
And tell me I'm the lucky one ♪
246
00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:25,369
♪ And we've just begun ♪
247
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,205
♪ Think I'm gonna have a son... ♪
248
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:29,957
That's really good sound quality.
249
00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,208
Yeah, it's the new iPhone.
250
00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:32,293
You got a new one?
251
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:35,379
We agreed to update
at the end of the year as Christmas gifts.
252
00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:37,465
Well, I was in the mall
and I saw a promotion.
253
00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:39,550
- You didn't tell me about this promotion.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
254
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,720
I didn't realize I had to tell you every
thought that comes into my head.
255
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:43,804
Okay. There we go.
256
00:12:43,804 --> 00:12:44,889
Brian makes a mistake,
257
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:47,808
so instead of apologizing,
he lashes out with hostility.
258
00:12:47,808 --> 00:12:50,060
And Stewie's a victim.
There's a big surprise.
259
00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,646
I'm a victim
because you constantly screw me over.
260
00:12:52,646 --> 00:12:54,815
You know what? Now I wish
I hadn't even played this song.
261
00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:56,567
I wish I hadn't even come back in time
262
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:59,487
because I can't do anything
without you making it about yourself.
263
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:00,905
God, I regret our friendship.
264
00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:02,490
You are a catastrophe of a human.
265
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,824
Oh, hey, they made up.
266
00:13:03,824 --> 00:13:10,164
♪ And tell me everything
is gonna be all right ♪
267
00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,637
Well, it's great
to be here in Rome, folks.
268
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,097
Uh, you know,
I heard that the, uh, Roman Senate
269
00:13:27,097 --> 00:13:29,683
just voted to build
more cobblestone streets.
270
00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:30,768
Great.
271
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,436
Do my balls get a vote?
272
00:13:34,730 --> 00:13:37,566
And how about that Caesar, huh?
Gotta love Caesar.
273
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:39,401
Great salad, great haircut
274
00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:41,821
and loves cutting women's bellies open.
275
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:44,740
Look at them there
in the cesarean section.
276
00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:46,242
They're laughing their ass off.
277
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,327
I do. I do love that.
278
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:50,496
And you know what they say,
"When in Rome."
279
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:53,332
Well, based on my one day here so far,
280
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:56,752
I guess that means
I should be pooping in the street.
281
00:13:56,752 --> 00:13:59,588
He's right. That is a problem here.
282
00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:02,675
But seriously, folks,
Rome sure beats anywhere else.
283
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,260
You guys follow politics?
284
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:07,346
'Cause it seems like they've made
a real mess of Potamia.
285
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,977
But don't fret, folks.
It's not all bad news out there.
286
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:15,479
You know how there are
Seven Wonders of the World?
287
00:14:15,479 --> 00:14:17,398
Well, turns out they just found an eighth,
288
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,067
a Galatian who paid his bar tab.
289
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:21,902
Galatia is our rival.
290
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:25,990
But enough about politics.
Let me tell you a little bit about me.
291
00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:29,159
So, my dad's God.
292
00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:30,661
Thank you. Thank you.
293
00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:33,247
And growing up,
he taught me all about carpentry.
294
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:38,419
Yeah. I-I guess he thought teenage boys
should spend more time rubbing wood.
295
00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:43,173
And my mom's a virgin. That's fun.
296
00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:46,510
Uh, yeah, when I was a teenager,
I had to give her the talk.
297
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,392
Wow, he's killing it.
298
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:56,478
Yeah, I bet he plays everywhere now.
He's gonna be huge.
299
00:15:00,357 --> 00:15:01,358
What happened?
300
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:03,777
He told a joke about Assyrians
on a college campus.
301
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,446
Oh, yeah. You can't do that anymore.
302
00:15:05,446 --> 00:15:08,032
This first millennial generation
is very sensitive.
303
00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,116
- Clearly.
- All right.
304
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:11,827
Don't make it obvious,
but get a picture of me with him.
305
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,663
- Do one more.
- Stewie, we're done.
306
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,916
Mission accomplished,
and Christianity never happened.
307
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,668
So I'm pretty sure the present
will be just how I want it.
308
00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:20,920
Hi, Peter here.
309
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,255
If you've seen
our time-travel episodes before,
310
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,341
you know that can't possibly be the case.
311
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,009
I can't tell you
what's gonna happen though
312
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:30,179
because the network needs you to stick
around through the Del Taco ads.
313
00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,681
You know, if you bought
all the ingredients for tacos yourself,
314
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:34,099
it would cost, like, 40 bucks.
315
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:37,019
But somehow, at Del Taco,
you can buy one for 80 cents.
316
00:15:37,019 --> 00:15:39,730
Del Taco.
You want fries with your taco?
317
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:41,357
{\an8}Too bad. You're getting them.
318
00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:56,205
- Damn it.
- What? What's wrong?
319
00:15:56,205 --> 00:16:00,167
Every time I enter into a new reality,
I'm hoping my room has wainscoting.
320
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:04,129
But I guess it's more boring,
single-textured walls for Stewie.
321
00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:10,344
Wow. So far, without Christianity,
everything looks the same.
322
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,514
Morning, Brian.
Hey, where's your yarmulke?
323
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:15,808
- Uh, what?
- Morning, Dr. Son.
324
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,393
Morning, Dr. Dad.
325
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,479
- Morning, Dr. Wife.
- Morning, Dr. Husband.
326
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,564
Oh, my God. They're all Jewish.
327
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:24,733
Whoa! Listen to your tone.
328
00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,402
No, no, no. No tone at all.
329
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:28,320
Because Christianity never happened,
330
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,740
Judaism became the dominant faith,
and I have zero problem with that.
331
00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:33,075
What, do you have a problem?
332
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:35,160
No, I don't have a problem. Far from it.
333
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,246
What the yidle-diddle-diddle-didle deuce?
334
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:41,166
Well, I'm off to school
in my regular star necklace.
335
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:44,461
I'm leaving too.
Mom, Dad, I need some new clothes.
336
00:16:44,461 --> 00:16:47,881
Is it okay if I stop at Ross Dress
For The Same Price As Everywhere Else?
337
00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:48,966
Of course, honey.
338
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,635
Oh, and maybe tonight,
we can all go see that new movie
339
00:16:51,635 --> 00:16:55,389
starring Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller
and half of Scarlett Johansson.
340
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:58,100
Huh, so, you think everyone is Jewish now?
341
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:02,312
Morning, Griffins. It's me, your neighbor,
Sammy Davis Brown, Jr.
342
00:17:02,312 --> 00:17:03,647
I suppose so.
343
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:06,025
Wow, I guess a lot of history
has changed now.
344
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,485
No World War II,
no conflict in the Middle East.
345
00:17:08,485 --> 00:17:10,320
Hell, there was even a Jewish Columbus.
346
00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:14,908
We did it. We discovered New York, Miami
and Filene's Basement.
347
00:17:14,908 --> 00:17:18,287
Yay! Slacks, slacks, slacks!
348
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,918
Lot more sweater shops in this reality.
349
00:17:24,918 --> 00:17:27,921
Yeah. And there's a billboard
for The Normal Mrs. Maisel.
350
00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:29,006
Ah, here we are.
351
00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:35,471
Shalom, Brian.
352
00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:38,140
Boy, this town has good medical care.
353
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,975
Are you sure I'm allowed to be in here?
354
00:17:39,975 --> 00:17:43,479
Yeah. Without Christianity, there are
no arbitrary rules about age limits.
355
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:44,980
Hey, you guys hear the new joke?
356
00:17:44,980 --> 00:17:48,067
A rabbi, a rabbi and a rabbi
walk into a bar
357
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,485
and split a seltzer.
358
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:53,072
It's free refills. Why pay for three?
359
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,034
All right, what does everyone want to hear
on the jukebox?
360
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:59,828
They've got "Sweet Caroline,"
"Sweet Caroline Remix"
361
00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:02,039
and "Sweet Caroline A Cappella."
362
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,624
Shalom, boys.
363
00:18:03,624 --> 00:18:05,542
Uh, shalom. How are you?
364
00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:08,212
Not good. I'm allergic to my horse.
365
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,463
Hey, Bri, I got the remote.
366
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:11,298
Let's see what television is like.
367
00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:13,050
And now the Channel Five News
368
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,552
brought to you by Kentucky Boiled Chicken.
369
00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:20,474
Kentucky Boiled Chicken, all herbs,
no spices 'cause you already burp enough.
370
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:23,477
Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker,
and welcome to Channel Five,
371
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:26,730
where, as always,
80% of our news is the weather.
372
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:31,151
But first, with sports, here's my brother
Lenny, who my mom forced me to hire.
373
00:18:31,151 --> 00:18:33,987
I'm sorry, Tom.
I didn't have time to check the scores.
374
00:18:33,987 --> 00:18:36,156
Well, there's a friggin' shocker, folks.
375
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,954
Afternoon, Brian.
376
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,456
Hey, Mort. Uh, why is your voice so deep?
377
00:18:44,456 --> 00:18:45,541
Why shouldn't it be?
378
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,209
Millennia of not running from people
379
00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:49,962
has made me remarkably confident
and relaxed.
380
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,964
You know, I like Jewish Quahog.
381
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,632
Yeah, we did a good thing, Stewie.
382
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:56,051
A Jewish world is much better
than a Christian one.
383
00:18:56,051 --> 00:18:59,263
There are no absurd stifling rules
driving everyone crazy.
384
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:01,682
Ah, there you guys are.
385
00:19:01,682 --> 00:19:06,270
It's almost sundown, so let's turn off our
devices and walk three miles to temple.
386
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,981
- What?
- Ha! You were saying, Brian?
387
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,316
We have to go back in time
388
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,902
and stop Moses from receiving
the Ten Commandments.
389
00:19:13,902 --> 00:19:17,239
That way, neither Judaism
nor Christianity will ever exist.
390
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,323
On it.
391
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:22,119
- Done.
- How'd you do that so fast?
392
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,204
I gave Moses 20 bucks to walk away.
393
00:19:24,204 --> 00:19:27,040
And before you say anything,
that was a lot of money back then.
394
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,292
Anyone would have done it.
395
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:36,884
Happy November 25th.
Only 30 shopping days till nothing.
396
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:38,218
Brian, it worked.
397
00:19:38,218 --> 00:19:40,888
That's only half the story, Stewie.
Let's make sure.
398
00:19:41,597 --> 00:19:43,891
Hey, guys? Who does Mel Gibson hate?
399
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,727
Uh, all of his ex-wives,
but no generalized group.
400
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:47,811
It did work.
401
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:52,149
Finally, a world with no religion,
no prejudices, no irrationalities.
402
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:53,901
Just science-based reason.
403
00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,155
- Package for Brian and Stewie?
- Yeah, that's us.
404
00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:00,574
What did you do, you little twerps?
405
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:02,242
Oh, my God. God.
406
00:20:02,242 --> 00:20:03,660
- Fix it. Fix it. Fix it.
- Ow, ow, ow!
407
00:20:03,660 --> 00:20:05,996
It was his idea. It's not even my machine.
408
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:08,665
You don't think Einstein
and Carl Sagan tried this crap?
409
00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:10,250
I had to send them to Noogie City.
410
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,502
Is that where you want to live?
Noogie City, huh?
411
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:14,755
'Cause I can take you there.
I got the keys, hoss.
412
00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,799
Is this all religion is?
413
00:20:17,799 --> 00:20:20,802
Threatening to noogie people
if they dare to think for themselves?
414
00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:23,138
Yes, I'm basically Biff
from Back to the Future,
415
00:20:23,138 --> 00:20:24,640
and you're all George McFly.
416
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,142
All right. I gotta take a picture
of the package on your doorstep,
417
00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:28,393
or they don't believe me.
418
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:29,811
You're really a delivery man?
419
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,104
Yeah. No collection plate.
420
00:20:31,104 --> 00:20:33,023
I gotta pay for Dish Network somehow.
421
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:36,944
Oh, boy, we really messed with this guy.
I guess we should go fix it, Brian.
422
00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,195
You know what? No.
423
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,696
A world without religion
424
00:20:39,696 --> 00:20:43,367
is a world that values reason and logic
to better the world for everyone.
425
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,953
And I'm not gonna let some
two-bit boomer-- Yeah, you heard me--
426
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:47,120
tell us otherwise.
427
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:54,044
♪ Christ, the royal master ♪
428
00:20:54,044 --> 00:20:58,882
♪ Leads against the foe ♪