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♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's a family guy ♪
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Good evening. Coming up: a major
Hollywood movie is set to film in Quahog.
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But first, whoever recorded me cursing
at that freeway off-ramp veteran,
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please don't post that.
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All right?
Seriously, we all have bad days.
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Our top story: the latest Brad Pitt film
will be shot right here in Quahog.
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Pitt will play former New Jersey governor
Chris Christie.
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{\an8}Brad Pitt is playing Chris Christie?
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{\an8}It should be a fat guy playing that role.
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{\an8}Chris Christie didn't eat
10,000 Jersey Mike's subs
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{\an8}just to be played
by a Hollywood pretty boy.
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{\an8}That's offensive, and I, for one,
will not stand for it!
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{\an8}Although, that's mostly due
to cardiovascular disease.
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{\an8}I gotta sit down. [grunts]
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Peter, you know,
you've actually got a valid point.
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Oh, boy. Here comes the soapbox.
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It's shameful Hollywood would pass over
the many talented, plus-sized actors
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who are much more deserving of the role.
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{\an8}Name two.
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{\an8}- Jonah Hill.
- He's thin now.
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{\an8}- Uh, Fat Albert.
- Not real.
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{\an8}- James Corden.
- He's been canceled for sending eggs back.
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{\an8}Well, it's just another example
of Hollywood's history
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{\an8}of exclusionary casting, whitewashing,
and thin-washing.
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{\an8}Exactly.
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{\an8}Like Mike Myers playing an Indian man
in The Love Guru.
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{\an8}[laughs]
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{\an8}Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans
playing white chicks.
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{\an8}[laughs]
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{\an8}Or Mickey Rooney
playing an offensive stereotype
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{\an8}of an Asian man in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
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{\an8}I don't know that movie,
but I like breakfast.
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{\an8}Oh, come on, you two.
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{\an8}You're really offended that one
of the biggest movie stars on the planet
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{\an8}is coming to our crap town
to shoot a movie?
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{\an8}I mean, Brad Pitt could put it anywhere,
with any of us.
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{\an8}Facts.
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{\an8}I mean, when was the last time
a celebrity visited Quahog?
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{\an8}- Uh, Jared Fogle.
- Who?
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{\an8}The Subway guy. Remember?
He was here for a public appearance.
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{\an8}Took a shine to Chris for some reason.
Took him camping.
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{\an8}Had these weird candies
he'd only let Chris eat.
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{\an8}How come I don't remember any of this?
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{\an8}Ah, too many video games, buddy.
They're rotting your brains.
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{\an8}Get your hands off me, Jared!
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{\an8}You're really gonna complain
about Brad Pitt?
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{\an8}[stammers] Who cares
what role he's playing?
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{\an8}Well, that's easy for you to say, Lois.
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{\an8}Women have no idea
what it's like for us men,
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{\an8}being held up to impossible standards
of beauty in the media.
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{\an8}Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence has a new movie.
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{\an8}[imitates buzzer] Too old. Next.
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{\an8}Peter, I think you're right to protest.
I'll even join you.
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{\an8}Thanks, Brian. Sometimes you just
gotta stand up for what's right.
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{\an8}That's why I stood up to Kanye West.
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Dinosaurs were created by the illuminati.
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The government hides secrets
in SpaghettiOs.
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And Hitler would've won Wimbledon
if he played tennis, bro.
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Sir, sir, sir.
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We do not wear shoes in this house.
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Thank you.
Now please continue about Wimbledon.
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[protesters] Overweight is overdue!
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Overweight is overdue!
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Wow. I'm impressed, Peter.
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{\an8}Yeah, it's going great.
News trucks even showed up to cover it.
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{\an8}Uh, I think--
I think those are just food trucks.
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{\an8}Come on. You know you want some.
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{\an8}Hi, fellas.
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{\an8}Oh, hey. Thanks for coming out
to support us.
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{\an8}"Dangerous curves ahead."
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{\an8}Oh.
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{\an8}- Right?
- [laughing]
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{\an8}That is good.
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{\an8}[chuckles] You get it.
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{\an8}That-- That is clever.
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Am I right?
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That's-- That's good. That's good.
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Isn't it though?
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Yeah. Yeah.
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Brian, can you explain
that shirt to me later?
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Protesters were on hand today at the set
of the new Chris Christie biopic
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being filmed in Quahog.
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They were protesting the casting
of Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt
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in the lead role,
and not a person of heft.
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Well, Peter, I'm just glad
you're on the news for something
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other than sitting on a hamster
at a school event.
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{\an8}[crowd clamoring]
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Hey, they said
they weren't gonna put that.
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[doorbell rings]
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Mr. Griffin, hi.
I'm Josh Universal, from the movie.
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I'm taking a break
from my horrific cocaine habit
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to ask you to sit down with our producers
for a listening session,
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to hear your concerns.
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And, on an unrelated note,
can I use your bathroom,
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and does anyone have a rolled-up bill?
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Oh, of course.
I got a special five just for that.
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[sniffs] All right, let's get zapped
and go see a play.
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{\an8}[singers] ♪ Abraham Lincoln
His wife's middle name was Todd ♪
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{\an8}Hmm. That's odd.
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Mr. Griffin, thank you for meeting
with us. Have a seat.
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Not on my lap.
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Sorry. [chuckles] I'm a little nervous.
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Peter Griffin, please meet Brad Pitt.
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[gasps] George Clooney's boyfriend?
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No, no. A few years ago,
he was cast in a marriage.
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Mr. Griffin, we've asked you here
because we understand you have an issue
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with Brad playing the lead role
in our movie.
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We wanna make sure we hear
and ignore all your concerns.
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Look, I know Brad Pitt
is a big star and all,
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but he's playing Chris Christie,
who's a fat guy.
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It seems unfair that the role
didn't go to a fat guy.
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It only makes sense.
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Don't you think we should
cast the best actor,
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letting them interpret the role,
rather than depending on physical traits?
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Not if you're taking the role away
from a fat guy.
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But, Mr. Griffin,
Brad Pitt is a highly skilled actor
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who's won an Oscar
and lots of garbage Golden Globes.
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You're not hearing my concerns.
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You don't know the challenges
fat guys face,
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what it's like to have to rock
multiple times to get off the couch.
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Or how it feels to have to poke
a new hole in your belt with a nail,
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only to realize the end
no longer tucks into the little loop.
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Or the shame of getting thrown out
of a strip club for touching.
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That last thing doesn't seem
like a weight issue.
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You sound just like the judge.
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Look, the casting of this movie
is offensive to fat people,
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and I won't rest until it gets shut down.
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Mr. Griffin, look, what if we made you
our "Official Fat Guy Consultant"?
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Do you think I'm an idiot?
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Yes! What if I told you we'll give you
a PA who will get you anything you want?
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Deal. Twenty Happy Meals, please.
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He's actually Judd Apatow's nephew, Zack.
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You can't tell him what to do.
In fact, you work for him.
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I want you to get me this thing,
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and I can't remember what it is
or where I saw it.
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Wow. I'm gonna learn so much
from his last name.
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- [gunshots on TV]
- [shouting on TV]
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The new season of White Lotus is weird.
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Griffins, you are looking
at the Chris Christie movie's
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Official Fat Guy Consultant.
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Boy, that's a garbage title
if I ever heard one.
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What? Wait a minute. So instead
of demanding they cast a plus-sized actor,
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you caved when they offered you
a meaningless title?
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What about everything you fought for?
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Don't you see, Brian? Now I can work
the system from the inside with dignity.
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- [phone rings]
- Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew?
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Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.
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Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew.
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What does a Fat Guy Consultant even do?
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I'm the personal weight-gain coach
for Brad Pitt.
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W-Would we get to meet him?
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Sure. My job is to teach him
how to think, eat and live like a fat guy.
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So, just like that, you're giving up?
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Brian, I'm a fat guy.
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I got all fired up about something,
and now I'm tired,
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and I'd like some custard.
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Guys, I'd like you to meet
my new friend, Brad Pitt.
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Oh, my God!
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- Whoa. Nice to meet you.
- Who's this now?
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He's a very famous actor.
He's like the white Morris Chestnut.
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Oh, damn!
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Wow. I can't believe I'm sitting here
with Brad Pitt.
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I've got so many questions, like
what are the other rules of Fight Club?
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Well, the first rule is--
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Nah, I'm clear on the first rule.
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And I know the second rule
is just repeating the first,
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but there's gotta be loads more.
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Like, I gotta think "no sack attacks"
is on there.
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Hey, Brad. Any chance I could get
Jennifer Aniston's number from you?
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I know she's gotta be a nightmare,
but she keeps it so freakin' tight.
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Okay. Enough small talk.
Let's do what I brought him here for:
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to break the Internet with a group,
head-smooshed-together selfie.
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[phone beeps]
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[Peter] Kevin Spacey?
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Get out of here. You're not allowed
to be in head-smooshed-together photos
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after what you did.
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Not guilty on all British counts.
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[chuckles] That rascal.
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[knocks on door]
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Hi. You must be Peter's wife. I'm Brad.
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Oh, I know who you are. I'm-- [screams]
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Hi. I'm-- [screams]
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Stewart. Charmed.
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I know you dump people when they're 40,
but that still gives us 39 good years.
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Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt.
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00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,907
Um, when you did that movie Snatch,
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did you know
that also means something else?
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Because it very much does.
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That's a sticky handshake
you got there, Chris.
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Peter, I was wondering if I could
spend some time with you and your family,
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observing how you live and how you eat,
to prepare for the role.
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00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:07,797
Sure, I'd be glad to help.
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00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:10,091
Wow. I ain't had a celebrity
ask me for a favor
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00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:12,843
since Jeremy Renner asked me
to shovel out his driveway.
202
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:18,391
Um, Jeremy, in light of recent events,
uh, could ol' Pete borrow your skis?
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00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:24,814
Okay, Brad.
I'm gonna teach you to be a fat guy.
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For starters, this is where we eat.
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Um, excuse me, Mr. Pitt,
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00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,071
but would you mind
if I FaceTime my friends with you here?
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00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:34,115
[gasps] Oh, my God, they'll go crazy!
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Sure, Meg, it'd be my pleasure.
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00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,076
[squeals]
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[phone ringing]
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00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,876
[ringing continues]
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Oh, boy.
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[ringing continues]
214
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,800
Oh. This-- This is sad.
215
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,804
Oh. This-- This is just--
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Oh.
217
00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,683
Why don't I just take this, dear.
218
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:02,310
[beeps]
219
00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:10,443
Okay, Brad. Now, another fat guy rule is
that when you're out at restaurants,
220
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,820
always act like you're on the fence
about dessert.
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00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:14,989
So, folks, we thinking dessert?
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00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:18,117
Seriously? You must be joking.
I cannot move.
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00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:21,454
No, sir. No way.
Absolutely stuffed to the gills.
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00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,039
Gonna have to take a rain check.
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00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,333
Although-- No, no.
I can't even suggest it.
226
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:28,502
We are done. Done-roo. Check, please.
227
00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:31,756
Although, just thinking,
I don't know when we'll be back here.
228
00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:33,716
I read
about the award-winning pastry chef--
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00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,343
[stammers] Wait. What am I saying? No. No.
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00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,969
Stop me, please, someone, please.
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00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:38,721
Bring the check now.
232
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,015
Okay, you know what?
We'll get one order, and we'll share.
233
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:43,059
One dessert. One dish, five spoons.
234
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,393
Whoever wants can have some.
235
00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:48,356
One plate. One of everything.
My plate. One spoon. No share.
236
00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:53,319
Now, Brad, if you're gonna play
a fat guy on camera,
237
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,196
you gotta learn how to do the rope swing.
238
00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:00,242
Okay, let me show you how it's done.
239
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:01,952
[groans]
240
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:07,583
900,000 views.
241
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:08,959
I'm learning so much.
242
00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:11,837
That's great.
Hey, can you click on a porn site for me?
243
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:15,174
Otherwise, I gotta peck it with my nose
like a tic-tac-toe chicken.
244
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:19,470
{\an8}[chewing]
245
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:23,724
Here you go.
246
00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:26,852
Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin.
I love a home-cooked meal.
247
00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,647
Well, we are so happy to have you.
248
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,190
- How's Shiloh?
- Who?
249
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,608
- How's Maddox?
- Who?
250
00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,110
- How's Zahara?
- Who?
251
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,528
- How's Pax?
- Who?
252
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,113
- How's Vivienne?
- Who?
253
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,406
- How's Knox?
- Who?
254
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,366
Ignore her. She can be so annoying.
255
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:43,994
Sometimes I wish I had a private plane
just so I could choke her on it.
256
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:49,500
Hey, can I get you anything?
257
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,336
Another pork-and-Cheetos sandwich,
or a buffalo latte?
258
00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:53,838
I'm good, Peter. Thanks.
259
00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,214
[director] Brad, you're up.
260
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,298
[grunting]
261
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,178
- [groans]
- [director] Brad, are you okay?
262
00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:03,973
My back, I threw out my back.
I can't move.
263
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,766
Hey, since you can't
really move right now,
264
00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:09,437
this is probably a good time to ask,
what's Juliette Lewis really like?
265
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:13,190
Nice. Talented. Professional.
A little shrill.
266
00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:14,942
Yeah, a little shrill.
Yeah, that sounds right.
267
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:16,902
[groaning]
268
00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:19,613
[pants]
269
00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:20,990
I don't think I can walk.
270
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:24,910
We can't push back our schedule any more.
If Brad's injured, what are we gonna do?
271
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,746
We'll need a new Chris Christie.
272
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,790
But who could possibly play that role
on such short notice?
273
00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:32,835
I can play that role.
274
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,920
Griffin, you're not even an actor.
275
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:39,258
No. But what I am is a real fat guy.
Brad Pitt was never the right choice.
276
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:42,595
This role calls
for real-life fat guy authenticity.
277
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:46,307
I mean, would Transparent have been
as good if they just put a guy in a dress?
278
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:49,310
Would Neil Patrick Harris have been
as funny on How I Met Your Mother
279
00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,937
if he wasn't a known heterosexual horndog?
280
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,898
Would Tropic Thunder
have been as authentic
281
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,692
if Robert Downey Jr. wasn't
a dignified Black man?
282
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,779
We're in a jam. What do you think?
283
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,572
I don't think we have any other choice.
284
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,866
All right, Griffin, you got the part.
285
00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:07,536
Awesome! I'm gonna FaceTime my friends.
They're gonna be so excited for me.
286
00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:08,704
[phone ringing]
287
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,918
[ringing continues]
288
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,336
Oh, boy.
289
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,839
Oh, this-this is sad.
290
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,722
[TV announcer] We now return
to a steamy business drama
291
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:28,808
where no one understands what's happening.
292
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,311
Are you saying we should forge the EBITDA
projections for the quarterlies?
293
00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,522
No, I'm saying we declare a revenue miss
294
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:38,692
while issuing additional shares based
on reduced capitalization estimates!
295
00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:42,613
Jim, you're in grave danger
of violating the Glass-Steagall Act.
296
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:45,241
[Chris] They haven't shown a bare ass
in three weeks!
297
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,826
Show me your ass, Jim.
298
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,077
[Chris] And I'm back.
299
00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:52,873
Griffins, you are looking at the new lead
in the Chris Christie movie.
300
00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:55,543
You? Wha-- What happened to Brad Pitt?
301
00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:58,879
It's what I've been saying
all along, Lois. He can't do what I do.
302
00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:03,217
He doesn't bring the fat guy authenticity.
His sweat doesn't smell like french fries.
303
00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,261
He doesn't bring
the sky-high blood pressure
304
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,929
or the jolting sleep apnea.
305
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,764
I have that gift. That's why.
306
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,850
Peter, this is ridiculous.
307
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:14,228
You can't play Chris Christie.
You're not even an actor.
308
00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:19,108
Oh, no? Yes, Lois. Yes, yes! [moans]
309
00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:20,943
Sound familiar?
310
00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,987
- But how do you--
- Squirt gun full of Ivory.
311
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:26,490
Sorry, Lunchables,
I'm afraid I've lost my appetite.
312
00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:27,783
Peter, I'm proud of you.
313
00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:30,828
You're actually making important strides
on behalf of inclusivity
314
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,121
and cultural sensitivity.
315
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,455
Yeah, I'm all for that stuff.
316
00:14:33,455 --> 00:14:36,458
As long as we don't gotta take down
the Confederate statue in the yard.
317
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,168
That's for history and learning.
318
00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:41,338
Even if they did come in second place
out of two armies in a war.
319
00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:42,923
So how'd we do?
320
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,300
Second place, baby.
321
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,968
Hey, not bad.
322
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:48,262
Silver medal. Whoo!
323
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:54,602
Okay, Peter. So in this next scene,
324
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:57,771
Christie would probably struggle
in the heat and sun
325
00:14:57,771 --> 00:14:59,273
on the George Washington Bridge.
326
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:01,942
You presume to lecture me what it's like?
327
00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:06,447
How dare you thinsplain to me?
Talk to me when your BMI is over 35.
328
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:10,993
Wow, a real live movie set.
So cool to be here for the magic.
329
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:14,204
Yeah, look. There's a child star
who's getting an hour of school.
330
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:16,999
Okay, Billy. Now, what color is this?
331
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,667
- Blue?
- Close enough.
332
00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:22,421
Now get back out there and be
the most distracting part of any film.
333
00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:29,094
{\an8}♪ Making a movie
Not as glamorous as it seems ♪
334
00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:33,098
♪ Standing around for three hours
Just to move a light ♪
335
00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:36,852
♪ Tripping over thick cables everywhere ♪
336
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:41,774
{\an8}♪ Spending all day shooting
One ten-second scene, yeah ♪
337
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,945
♪ Waving flies
Off the craft service table ♪
338
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:52,785
{\an8}♪ Making a movie
Way more tedious than it seems ♪
339
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:56,455
♪ The most important job is the editor ♪
340
00:15:56,455 --> 00:16:00,459
♪ Staring at a frame
for 18 hours straight ♪
341
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:03,504
♪ Most of them snap and go crazy ♪
342
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:09,093
{\an8}♪ Even a dumb cartoon like this
Takes 18 months ♪
343
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:12,680
{\an8}♪ What are we all doing? ♪
344
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:14,807
- [shutters clicking]
- [chattering]
345
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:23,691
Oh, Peter, your big movie premiere.
This is so exciting.
346
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,777
Did Dr. Hartman bring a woman
in a coma as his date?
347
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:29,238
Hey, guys. Big night, huh?
See you in there.
348
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:35,160
Oh, God. Here come
those mindless entertainment reporters
349
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:36,912
who only want to know,
"Who are you wearing?"
350
00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:37,997
- Stewie.
- Stewie.
351
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,081
Over here, Stewie.
352
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:42,001
How do you respond to those
who accuse your show of trafficking
353
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:46,380
in decades of misogyny, homophobia,
and racially insensitive stereotyping?
354
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,674
Uh-- Thom Browne. Thank you.
355
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,134
Go, Brian. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
356
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:53,012
And here's the star of the film,
Peter Griffin.
357
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,471
What're you wearing tonight, Peter?
358
00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:57,433
Well, Tom, the shirt is actually
two shirts sewn together.
359
00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:01,270
The jacket is stolen from a steak house
maître d', and the pants are a towel.
360
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,856
You know, I hear you were
quite the prankster on set.
361
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,775
Well, it wasn't so much pranks
as yelling and shouting at women.
362
00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:09,528
A lot of 'em aren't here tonight.
They're doing some town hall meeting
363
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:10,612
with Gloria Allred.
364
00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:11,947
Ah, we'll see what happens.
365
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:21,206
The after-party is at a Panera
that's still open to normal customers.
366
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,669
- Thank you all for coming.
- [Quagmire] Giggity.
367
00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:27,713
- It was a lot of hard work.
- [Quagmire] Giggity.
368
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,466
And, thanks to the unnecessarily long
writers' strike,
369
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:33,343
we were unable
to write a third joke for this speech.
370
00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:35,971
[audience cheers, whistles]
371
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,056
- Hey.
- Ow.
372
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,933
That's your father's movie up there.
Pay attention, you dope.
373
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,393
[dramatic music playing]
374
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:44,688
[extras chattering]
375
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:50,360
Repeat after me: "I's am governor."
376
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,487
I's am governor.
377
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,030
"Youse are not."
378
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,114
Youse are not.
379
00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:58,202
"Big Pussy didn't deserve to die like that
in The Sopranos."
380
00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,620
But he was a freakin' rat.
381
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,414
Congratulations.
You are the governor of New Jersey.
382
00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:06,168
Now, let's all root for the Jets
and the Mets like the idiots we are.
383
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:18,764
Lord, please protect us
from this coming hurricane.
384
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,725
It's bad enough you gave me
the same first and last name.
385
00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:24,103
Please don't let me be killed by a Sandy.
386
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,731
The fellas at the Y would never
let me hear the end of it. Amen.
387
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:34,863
Oh, Chris, you're dying.
388
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:37,116
Don't remember me like this.
389
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:41,995
Remember me stuffed like a sausage
into that NYPD softball uniform.
390
00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:45,541
{\an8}♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪
391
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,418
{\an8}♪ And I would walk 500... ♪
392
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:49,920
[music fades]
393
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,839
Hey, that was terrific.
394
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,174
Oh, what an achievement.
395
00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:55,884
[chuckles] You really did it, buddy.
396
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:58,804
What're you guys talking about?
I stunk. I can't act at all.
397
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,305
No.
398
00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,392
You were, uh, very believably fat.
399
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,645
Didn't you notice half the time
I was staring right into the camera?
400
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:09,022
They had to use peanut butter
to get me on my mark.
401
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:12,526
Yeah, but you've done a great thing
for authenticity and inclusivity.
402
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:14,027
I don't know what those words mean.
403
00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:16,363
I just like to see your tail wag
when you say 'em.
404
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,657
Peter, you're giving
the marginalized a voice.
405
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,159
How are they marginalized?
406
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,452
The whole country's
full of dumb, fat [bleep].
407
00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:25,831
Now more than ever
we need authenticity and inclusivity.
408
00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,167
No, Brian. What we need is good actors.
409
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,253
I don't care if they're Black,
white, tall, short, thin, fat--
410
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:32,963
Gay, straight. You forgot those ones.
411
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,257
Look, I-I admit I thought acting was easy.
412
00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:38,927
And maybe I was blinded by all the praise
I got from Harvey Weinstein.
413
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:41,972
Peter, Harvey Weinstein hasn't
had clout for, like, six years.
414
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,516
Oh, boy. Then I may have done
some things I'll regret.
415
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,768
I don't know. I guess, as a fat guy,
416
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:49,897
I-I got offended that Chris Christie
wasn't played by a fat guy.
417
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:52,149
But turns out it just needed
to be a good actor.
418
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:54,443
Maybe we should all
spend less time judging
419
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:57,738
and more time enjoying what
different actors bring to different roles.
420
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,990
That's the magic of movies and TV.
421
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,491
[Chris] And stepson porn.
422
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:03,702
Chris, you don't have
to join every conversation.
423
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,037
[murmuring]
424
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,708
Okay, look, look. I understand
not everyone will agree on this issue.
425
00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:13,128
But let's discuss it in a civilized manner
by making death threats
426
00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:16,048
from our individual homes
to one another on the Internet.
427
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,716
[phone dings]
428
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:22,221
Right back at you, buddy.
429
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,729
Well, I'm sorry your movie
didn't go over well, Peter.
430
00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:33,565
Yeah, the money was good, but I got tired
of all the one-night stands.
431
00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:34,650
- What?
- Huh?
432
00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:38,070
Sorry, my ears have been clogged since I
made out with that guy from the film crew.
433
00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,154
- What?
- Huh?
434
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:40,239
Well, I gotta say, Bri,
435
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,951
it might not have worked out for Dad,
but I sure got bit by the acting bug.
436
00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,577
Really? You wanna be an actor?
437
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,746
Oh, yeah. I'd be great in Streetcar.
438
00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:51,416
Stella! Stella!
439
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,503
- What?
- Is Aidan home?