1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 2 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928 ♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪ 3 00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389 ♪ On which we used to rely ♪ 4 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 5 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪ 6 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 7 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 8 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 9 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:39,873 Good evening. Coming up: a major Hollywood movie is set to film in Quahog. 10 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,626 But first, whoever recorded me cursing at that freeway off-ramp veteran, 11 00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:44,794 please don't post that. 12 00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:47,547 All right? Seriously, we all have bad days. 13 00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:51,801 Our top story: the latest Brad Pitt film will be shot right here in Quahog. 14 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,721 Pitt will play former New Jersey governor Chris Christie. 15 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,223 {\an8}Brad Pitt is playing Chris Christie? 16 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,309 {\an8}It should be a fat guy playing that role. 17 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:02,604 {\an8}Chris Christie didn't eat 10,000 Jersey Mike's subs 18 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:04,814 {\an8}just to be played by a Hollywood pretty boy. 19 00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:08,026 {\an8}That's offensive, and I, for one, will not stand for it! 20 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,820 {\an8}Although, that's mostly due to cardiovascular disease. 21 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,238 {\an8}I gotta sit down. [grunts] 22 00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:14,324 Peter, you know, you've actually got a valid point. 23 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,284 Oh, boy. Here comes the soapbox. 24 00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:20,080 It's shameful Hollywood would pass over the many talented, plus-sized actors 25 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,831 who are much more deserving of the role. 26 00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:22,916 {\an8}Name two. 27 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,292 {\an8}- Jonah Hill. - He's thin now. 28 00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:25,668 {\an8}- Uh, Fat Albert. - Not real. 29 00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:28,421 {\an8}- James Corden. - He's been canceled for sending eggs back. 30 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:31,174 {\an8}Well, it's just another example of Hollywood's history 31 00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:34,219 {\an8}of exclusionary casting, whitewashing, and thin-washing. 32 00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,303 {\an8}Exactly. 33 00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:38,014 {\an8}Like Mike Myers playing an Indian man in The Love Guru. 34 00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:39,099 {\an8}[laughs] 35 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,392 {\an8}Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans playing white chicks. 36 00:01:41,392 --> 00:01:42,477 {\an8}[laughs] 37 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,729 {\an8}Or Mickey Rooney playing an offensive stereotype 38 00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:46,731 {\an8}of an Asian man in Breakfast at Tiffany's. 39 00:01:46,731 --> 00:01:48,775 {\an8}I don't know that movie, but I like breakfast. 40 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,401 {\an8}Oh, come on, you two. 41 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:53,696 {\an8}You're really offended that one of the biggest movie stars on the planet 42 00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:56,324 {\an8}is coming to our crap town to shoot a movie? 43 00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:58,785 {\an8}I mean, Brad Pitt could put it anywhere, with any of us. 44 00:01:58,785 --> 00:01:59,869 {\an8}Facts. 45 00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:03,081 {\an8}I mean, when was the last time a celebrity visited Quahog? 46 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,833 {\an8}- Uh, Jared Fogle. - Who? 47 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:07,669 {\an8}The Subway guy. Remember? He was here for a public appearance. 48 00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:10,130 {\an8}Took a shine to Chris for some reason. Took him camping. 49 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,215 {\an8}Had these weird candies he'd only let Chris eat. 50 00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,634 {\an8}How come I don't remember any of this? 51 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,720 {\an8}Ah, too many video games, buddy. They're rotting your brains. 52 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,014 {\an8}Get your hands off me, Jared! 53 00:02:20,014 --> 00:02:22,308 {\an8}You're really gonna complain about Brad Pitt? 54 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,352 {\an8}[stammers] Who cares what role he's playing? 55 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:25,979 {\an8}Well, that's easy for you to say, Lois. 56 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,690 {\an8}Women have no idea what it's like for us men, 57 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,818 {\an8}being held up to impossible standards of beauty in the media. 58 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,778 {\an8}Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence has a new movie. 59 00:02:33,778 --> 00:02:35,572 {\an8}[imitates buzzer] Too old. Next. 60 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:38,283 {\an8}Peter, I think you're right to protest. I'll even join you. 61 00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:41,744 {\an8}Thanks, Brian. Sometimes you just gotta stand up for what's right. 62 00:02:41,744 --> 00:02:43,872 {\an8}That's why I stood up to Kanye West. 63 00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:46,624 Dinosaurs were created by the illuminati. 64 00:02:46,624 --> 00:02:49,586 The government hides secrets in SpaghettiOs. 65 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,672 And Hitler would've won Wimbledon if he played tennis, bro. 66 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,757 Sir, sir, sir. 67 00:02:54,757 --> 00:02:57,218 We do not wear shoes in this house. 68 00:02:58,761 --> 00:03:01,931 Thank you. Now please continue about Wimbledon. 69 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:06,394 [protesters] Overweight is overdue! 70 00:03:06,394 --> 00:03:08,271 Overweight is overdue! 71 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:09,981 Wow. I'm impressed, Peter. 72 00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:13,109 {\an8}Yeah, it's going great. News trucks even showed up to cover it. 73 00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:15,570 {\an8}Uh, I think-- I think those are just food trucks. 74 00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,864 {\an8}Come on. You know you want some. 75 00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:19,574 {\an8}Hi, fellas. 76 00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,659 {\an8}Oh, hey. Thanks for coming out to support us. 77 00:03:21,659 --> 00:03:24,287 {\an8}"Dangerous curves ahead." 78 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,332 {\an8}Oh. 79 00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:29,250 {\an8}- Right? - [laughing] 80 00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,460 {\an8}That is good. 81 00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,212 {\an8}[chuckles] You get it. 82 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,923 {\an8}That-- That is clever. 83 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:36,216 Am I right? 84 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:39,677 That's-- That's good. That's good. 85 00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:40,887 Isn't it though? 86 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:41,971 Yeah. Yeah. 87 00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:44,641 Brian, can you explain that shirt to me later? 88 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:52,148 Protesters were on hand today at the set of the new Chris Christie biopic 89 00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:53,399 being filmed in Quahog. 90 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:56,694 They were protesting the casting of Hollywood superstar Brad Pitt 91 00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:59,280 in the lead role, and not a person of heft. 92 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,991 Well, Peter, I'm just glad you're on the news for something 93 00:04:01,991 --> 00:04:04,702 other than sitting on a hamster at a school event. 94 00:04:04,702 --> 00:04:06,287 {\an8}[crowd clamoring] 95 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:09,707 Hey, they said they weren't gonna put that. 96 00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:11,000 [doorbell rings] 97 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:15,088 Mr. Griffin, hi. I'm Josh Universal, from the movie. 98 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,674 I'm taking a break from my horrific cocaine habit 99 00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:21,386 to ask you to sit down with our producers for a listening session, 100 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,929 to hear your concerns. 101 00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,848 And, on an unrelated note, can I use your bathroom, 102 00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:27,725 and does anyone have a rolled-up bill? 103 00:04:27,725 --> 00:04:29,894 Oh, of course. I got a special five just for that. 104 00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:34,399 [sniffs] All right, let's get zapped and go see a play. 105 00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:39,070 {\an8}[singers] ♪ Abraham Lincoln His wife's middle name was Todd ♪ 106 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,989 {\an8}Hmm. That's odd. 107 00:04:46,577 --> 00:04:49,539 Mr. Griffin, thank you for meeting with us. Have a seat. 108 00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,374 Not on my lap. 109 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,042 Sorry. [chuckles] I'm a little nervous. 110 00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:55,670 Peter Griffin, please meet Brad Pitt. 111 00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,718 [gasps] George Clooney's boyfriend? 112 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:04,470 No, no. A few years ago, he was cast in a marriage. 113 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:07,974 Mr. Griffin, we've asked you here because we understand you have an issue 114 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,976 with Brad playing the lead role in our movie. 115 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:13,688 We wanna make sure we hear and ignore all your concerns. 116 00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:16,190 Look, I know Brad Pitt is a big star and all, 117 00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:18,526 but he's playing Chris Christie, who's a fat guy. 118 00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:21,237 It seems unfair that the role didn't go to a fat guy. 119 00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:22,322 It only makes sense. 120 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,615 Don't you think we should cast the best actor, 121 00:05:24,615 --> 00:05:28,202 letting them interpret the role, rather than depending on physical traits? 122 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:30,455 Not if you're taking the role away from a fat guy. 123 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:33,207 But, Mr. Griffin, Brad Pitt is a highly skilled actor 124 00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:36,461 who's won an Oscar and lots of garbage Golden Globes. 125 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:38,004 You're not hearing my concerns. 126 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,214 You don't know the challenges fat guys face, 127 00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:43,384 what it's like to have to rock multiple times to get off the couch. 128 00:05:43,384 --> 00:05:46,512 Or how it feels to have to poke a new hole in your belt with a nail, 129 00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:49,849 only to realize the end no longer tucks into the little loop. 130 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,727 Or the shame of getting thrown out of a strip club for touching. 131 00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,854 That last thing doesn't seem like a weight issue. 132 00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,647 You sound just like the judge. 133 00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:59,650 Look, the casting of this movie is offensive to fat people, 134 00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:01,861 and I won't rest until it gets shut down. 135 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:08,368 Mr. Griffin, look, what if we made you our "Official Fat Guy Consultant"? 136 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,994 Do you think I'm an idiot? 137 00:06:09,994 --> 00:06:14,749 Yes! What if I told you we'll give you a PA who will get you anything you want? 138 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,542 Deal. Twenty Happy Meals, please. 139 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,795 He's actually Judd Apatow's nephew, Zack. 140 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:21,506 You can't tell him what to do. In fact, you work for him. 141 00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:23,007 I want you to get me this thing, 142 00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:25,551 and I can't remember what it is or where I saw it. 143 00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:29,222 Wow. I'm gonna learn so much from his last name. 144 00:06:34,268 --> 00:06:36,187 - [gunshots on TV] - [shouting on TV] 145 00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,233 The new season of White Lotus is weird. 146 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,944 Griffins, you are looking at the Chris Christie movie's 147 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:45,113 Official Fat Guy Consultant. 148 00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:47,782 Boy, that's a garbage title if I ever heard one. 149 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:51,452 What? Wait a minute. So instead of demanding they cast a plus-sized actor, 150 00:06:51,452 --> 00:06:53,746 you caved when they offered you a meaningless title? 151 00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:55,331 What about everything you fought for? 152 00:06:55,331 --> 00:06:59,335 Don't you see, Brian? Now I can work the system from the inside with dignity. 153 00:06:59,335 --> 00:07:01,921 - [phone rings] - Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew? 154 00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:05,174 Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew. 155 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,845 Yes, Mr. Apatow's nephew. 156 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,180 What does a Fat Guy Consultant even do? 157 00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:13,850 I'm the personal weight-gain coach for Brad Pitt. 158 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:15,435 W-Would we get to meet him? 159 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:19,605 Sure. My job is to teach him how to think, eat and live like a fat guy. 160 00:07:19,605 --> 00:07:21,274 So, just like that, you're giving up? 161 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,692 Brian, I'm a fat guy. 162 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:25,111 I got all fired up about something, and now I'm tired, 163 00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,779 and I'd like some custard. 164 00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:33,661 Guys, I'd like you to meet my new friend, Brad Pitt. 165 00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:34,745 Oh, my God! 166 00:07:34,745 --> 00:07:37,248 - Whoa. Nice to meet you. - Who's this now? 167 00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:40,668 He's a very famous actor. He's like the white Morris Chestnut. 168 00:07:40,668 --> 00:07:41,919 Oh, damn! 169 00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,839 Wow. I can't believe I'm sitting here with Brad Pitt. 170 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:48,676 I've got so many questions, like what are the other rules of Fight Club? 171 00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:50,094 Well, the first rule is-- 172 00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:51,929 Nah, I'm clear on the first rule. 173 00:07:51,929 --> 00:07:54,474 And I know the second rule is just repeating the first, 174 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,017 but there's gotta be loads more. 175 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,228 Like, I gotta think "no sack attacks" is on there. 176 00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:02,398 Hey, Brad. Any chance I could get Jennifer Aniston's number from you? 177 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:06,152 I know she's gotta be a nightmare, but she keeps it so freakin' tight. 178 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,696 Okay. Enough small talk. Let's do what I brought him here for: 179 00:08:08,696 --> 00:08:12,241 to break the Internet with a group, head-smooshed-together selfie. 180 00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:13,493 [phone beeps] 181 00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:16,621 [Peter] Kevin Spacey? 182 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:19,749 Get out of here. You're not allowed to be in head-smooshed-together photos 183 00:08:19,749 --> 00:08:20,833 after what you did. 184 00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:23,711 Not guilty on all British counts. 185 00:08:23,711 --> 00:08:25,963 [chuckles] That rascal. 186 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,551 [knocks on door] 187 00:08:31,427 --> 00:08:34,013 Hi. You must be Peter's wife. I'm Brad. 188 00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:40,686 Oh, I know who you are. I'm-- [screams] 189 00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:42,146 Hi. I'm-- [screams] 190 00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:44,106 Stewart. Charmed. 191 00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:48,694 I know you dump people when they're 40, but that still gives us 39 good years. 192 00:08:49,403 --> 00:08:50,821 Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt. 193 00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,907 Um, when you did that movie Snatch, 194 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:55,076 did you know that also means something else? 195 00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:56,786 Because it very much does. 196 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,455 That's a sticky handshake you got there, Chris. 197 00:08:59,455 --> 00:09:03,000 Peter, I was wondering if I could spend some time with you and your family, 198 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,295 observing how you live and how you eat, to prepare for the role. 199 00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:07,797 Sure, I'd be glad to help. 200 00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:10,091 Wow. I ain't had a celebrity ask me for a favor 201 00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:12,843 since Jeremy Renner asked me to shovel out his driveway. 202 00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:18,391 Um, Jeremy, in light of recent events, uh, could ol' Pete borrow your skis? 203 00:09:22,061 --> 00:09:24,814 Okay, Brad. I'm gonna teach you to be a fat guy. 204 00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:26,983 For starters, this is where we eat. 205 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:29,360 Um, excuse me, Mr. Pitt, 206 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,071 but would you mind if I FaceTime my friends with you here? 207 00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:34,115 [gasps] Oh, my God, they'll go crazy! 208 00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:35,992 Sure, Meg, it'd be my pleasure. 209 00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,076 [squeals] 210 00:09:37,076 --> 00:09:38,452 [phone ringing] 211 00:09:44,166 --> 00:09:45,876 [ringing continues] 212 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,338 Oh, boy. 213 00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:50,756 [ringing continues] 214 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,800 Oh. This-- This is sad. 215 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,804 Oh. This-- This is just-- 216 00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:58,264 Oh. 217 00:09:58,848 --> 00:10:00,683 Why don't I just take this, dear. 218 00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:02,310 [beeps] 219 00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:10,443 Okay, Brad. Now, another fat guy rule is that when you're out at restaurants, 220 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,820 always act like you're on the fence about dessert. 221 00:10:12,820 --> 00:10:14,989 So, folks, we thinking dessert? 222 00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:18,117 Seriously? You must be joking. I cannot move. 223 00:10:18,117 --> 00:10:21,454 No, sir. No way. Absolutely stuffed to the gills. 224 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,039 Gonna have to take a rain check. 225 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,333 Although-- No, no. I can't even suggest it. 226 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:28,502 We are done. Done-roo. Check, please. 227 00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:31,756 Although, just thinking, I don't know when we'll be back here. 228 00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:33,716 I read about the award-winning pastry chef-- 229 00:10:33,716 --> 00:10:35,343 [stammers] Wait. What am I saying? No. No. 230 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,969 Stop me, please, someone, please. 231 00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:38,721 Bring the check now. 232 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,015 Okay, you know what? We'll get one order, and we'll share. 233 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:43,059 One dessert. One dish, five spoons. 234 00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,393 Whoever wants can have some. 235 00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:48,356 One plate. One of everything. My plate. One spoon. No share. 236 00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:53,319 Now, Brad, if you're gonna play a fat guy on camera, 237 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,196 you gotta learn how to do the rope swing. 238 00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:00,242 Okay, let me show you how it's done. 239 00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:01,952 [groans] 240 00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:07,583 900,000 views. 241 00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:08,959 I'm learning so much. 242 00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:11,837 That's great. Hey, can you click on a porn site for me? 243 00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:15,174 Otherwise, I gotta peck it with my nose like a tic-tac-toe chicken. 244 00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:19,470 {\an8}[chewing] 245 00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:23,724 Here you go. 246 00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:26,852 Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin. I love a home-cooked meal. 247 00:11:26,852 --> 00:11:29,647 Well, we are so happy to have you. 248 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,190 - How's Shiloh? - Who? 249 00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,608 - How's Maddox? - Who? 250 00:11:32,608 --> 00:11:34,110 - How's Zahara? - Who? 251 00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,528 - How's Pax? - Who? 252 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,113 - How's Vivienne? - Who? 253 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,406 - How's Knox? - Who? 254 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:40,366 Ignore her. She can be so annoying. 255 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:43,994 Sometimes I wish I had a private plane just so I could choke her on it. 256 00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:49,500 Hey, can I get you anything? 257 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:52,336 Another pork-and-Cheetos sandwich, or a buffalo latte? 258 00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:53,838 I'm good, Peter. Thanks. 259 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,214 [director] Brad, you're up. 260 00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,298 [grunting] 261 00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,178 - [groans] - [director] Brad, are you okay? 262 00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:03,973 My back, I threw out my back. I can't move. 263 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,766 Hey, since you can't really move right now, 264 00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:09,437 this is probably a good time to ask, what's Juliette Lewis really like? 265 00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:13,190 Nice. Talented. Professional. A little shrill. 266 00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:14,942 Yeah, a little shrill. Yeah, that sounds right. 267 00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:16,902 [groaning] 268 00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:19,613 [pants] 269 00:12:19,613 --> 00:12:20,990 I don't think I can walk. 270 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:24,910 We can't push back our schedule any more. If Brad's injured, what are we gonna do? 271 00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:26,746 We'll need a new Chris Christie. 272 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,790 But who could possibly play that role on such short notice? 273 00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:32,835 I can play that role. 274 00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,920 Griffin, you're not even an actor. 275 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:39,258 No. But what I am is a real fat guy. Brad Pitt was never the right choice. 276 00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:42,595 This role calls for real-life fat guy authenticity. 277 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:46,307 I mean, would Transparent have been as good if they just put a guy in a dress? 278 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:49,310 Would Neil Patrick Harris have been as funny on How I Met Your Mother 279 00:12:49,310 --> 00:12:51,937 if he wasn't a known heterosexual horndog? 280 00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,898 Would Tropic Thunder have been as authentic 281 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,692 if Robert Downey Jr. wasn't a dignified Black man? 282 00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,779 We're in a jam. What do you think? 283 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,572 I don't think we have any other choice. 284 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,866 All right, Griffin, you got the part. 285 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:07,536 Awesome! I'm gonna FaceTime my friends. They're gonna be so excited for me. 286 00:13:07,536 --> 00:13:08,704 [phone ringing] 287 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,918 [ringing continues] 288 00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,336 Oh, boy. 289 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,839 Oh, this-this is sad. 290 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,722 [TV announcer] We now return to a steamy business drama 291 00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:28,808 where no one understands what's happening. 292 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:32,311 Are you saying we should forge the EBITDA projections for the quarterlies? 293 00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:34,522 No, I'm saying we declare a revenue miss 294 00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:38,692 while issuing additional shares based on reduced capitalization estimates! 295 00:13:38,692 --> 00:13:42,613 Jim, you're in grave danger of violating the Glass-Steagall Act. 296 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:45,241 [Chris] They haven't shown a bare ass in three weeks! 297 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,826 Show me your ass, Jim. 298 00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,077 [Chris] And I'm back. 299 00:13:48,786 --> 00:13:52,873 Griffins, you are looking at the new lead in the Chris Christie movie. 300 00:13:52,873 --> 00:13:55,543 You? Wha-- What happened to Brad Pitt? 301 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:58,879 It's what I've been saying all along, Lois. He can't do what I do. 302 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:03,217 He doesn't bring the fat guy authenticity. His sweat doesn't smell like french fries. 303 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,261 He doesn't bring the sky-high blood pressure 304 00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,929 or the jolting sleep apnea. 305 00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,764 I have that gift. That's why. 306 00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:10,850 Peter, this is ridiculous. 307 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:14,228 You can't play Chris Christie. You're not even an actor. 308 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:19,108 Oh, no? Yes, Lois. Yes, yes! [moans] 309 00:14:19,608 --> 00:14:20,943 Sound familiar? 310 00:14:20,943 --> 00:14:22,987 - But how do you-- - Squirt gun full of Ivory. 311 00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:26,490 Sorry, Lunchables, I'm afraid I've lost my appetite. 312 00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:27,783 Peter, I'm proud of you. 313 00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:30,828 You're actually making important strides on behalf of inclusivity 314 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,121 and cultural sensitivity. 315 00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,455 Yeah, I'm all for that stuff. 316 00:14:33,455 --> 00:14:36,458 As long as we don't gotta take down the Confederate statue in the yard. 317 00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,168 That's for history and learning. 318 00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:41,338 Even if they did come in second place out of two armies in a war. 319 00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:42,923 So how'd we do? 320 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:44,300 Second place, baby. 321 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,968 Hey, not bad. 322 00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:48,262 Silver medal. Whoo! 323 00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:54,602 Okay, Peter. So in this next scene, 324 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:57,771 Christie would probably struggle in the heat and sun 325 00:14:57,771 --> 00:14:59,273 on the George Washington Bridge. 326 00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:01,942 You presume to lecture me what it's like? 327 00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:06,447 How dare you thinsplain to me? Talk to me when your BMI is over 35. 328 00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:10,993 Wow, a real live movie set. So cool to be here for the magic. 329 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:14,204 Yeah, look. There's a child star who's getting an hour of school. 330 00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:16,999 Okay, Billy. Now, what color is this? 331 00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,667 - Blue? - Close enough. 332 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:22,421 Now get back out there and be the most distracting part of any film. 333 00:15:23,839 --> 00:15:29,094 {\an8}♪ Making a movie Not as glamorous as it seems ♪ 334 00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:33,098 ♪ Standing around for three hours Just to move a light ♪ 335 00:15:33,098 --> 00:15:36,852 ♪ Tripping over thick cables everywhere ♪ 336 00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:41,774 {\an8}♪ Spending all day shooting One ten-second scene, yeah ♪ 337 00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,945 ♪ Waving flies Off the craft service table ♪ 338 00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:52,785 {\an8}♪ Making a movie Way more tedious than it seems ♪ 339 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:56,455 ♪ The most important job is the editor ♪ 340 00:15:56,455 --> 00:16:00,459 ♪ Staring at a frame for 18 hours straight ♪ 341 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:03,504 ♪ Most of them snap and go crazy ♪ 342 00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:09,093 {\an8}♪ Even a dumb cartoon like this Takes 18 months ♪ 343 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:12,680 {\an8}♪ What are we all doing? ♪ 344 00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:14,807 - [shutters clicking] - [chattering] 345 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:23,691 Oh, Peter, your big movie premiere. This is so exciting. 346 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,777 Did Dr. Hartman bring a woman in a coma as his date? 347 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:29,238 Hey, guys. Big night, huh? See you in there. 348 00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:35,160 Oh, God. Here come those mindless entertainment reporters 349 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:36,912 who only want to know, "Who are you wearing?" 350 00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:37,997 - Stewie. - Stewie. 351 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,081 Over here, Stewie. 352 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:42,001 How do you respond to those who accuse your show of trafficking 353 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:46,380 in decades of misogyny, homophobia, and racially insensitive stereotyping? 354 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,674 Uh-- Thom Browne. Thank you. 355 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,134 Go, Brian. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. 356 00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:53,012 And here's the star of the film, Peter Griffin. 357 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,471 What're you wearing tonight, Peter? 358 00:16:54,471 --> 00:16:57,433 Well, Tom, the shirt is actually two shirts sewn together. 359 00:16:57,433 --> 00:17:01,270 The jacket is stolen from a steak house maître d', and the pants are a towel. 360 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,856 You know, I hear you were quite the prankster on set. 361 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,775 Well, it wasn't so much pranks as yelling and shouting at women. 362 00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:09,528 A lot of 'em aren't here tonight. They're doing some town hall meeting 363 00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:10,612 with Gloria Allred. 364 00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:11,947 Ah, we'll see what happens. 365 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:21,206 The after-party is at a Panera that's still open to normal customers. 366 00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:25,669 - Thank you all for coming. - [Quagmire] Giggity. 367 00:17:25,669 --> 00:17:27,713 - It was a lot of hard work. - [Quagmire] Giggity. 368 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,466 And, thanks to the unnecessarily long writers' strike, 369 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:33,343 we were unable to write a third joke for this speech. 370 00:17:33,343 --> 00:17:35,971 [audience cheers, whistles] 371 00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,056 - Hey. - Ow. 372 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,933 That's your father's movie up there. Pay attention, you dope. 373 00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,393 [dramatic music playing] 374 00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:44,688 [extras chattering] 375 00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:50,360 Repeat after me: "I's am governor." 376 00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,487 I's am governor. 377 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,030 "Youse are not." 378 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:54,114 Youse are not. 379 00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:58,202 "Big Pussy didn't deserve to die like that in The Sopranos." 380 00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,620 But he was a freakin' rat. 381 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,414 Congratulations. You are the governor of New Jersey. 382 00:18:02,414 --> 00:18:06,168 Now, let's all root for the Jets and the Mets like the idiots we are. 383 00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:18,764 Lord, please protect us from this coming hurricane. 384 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,725 It's bad enough you gave me the same first and last name. 385 00:18:21,725 --> 00:18:24,103 Please don't let me be killed by a Sandy. 386 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,731 The fellas at the Y would never let me hear the end of it. Amen. 387 00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:34,863 Oh, Chris, you're dying. 388 00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:37,116 Don't remember me like this. 389 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:41,995 Remember me stuffed like a sausage into that NYPD softball uniform. 390 00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:45,541 {\an8}♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪ 391 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,418 {\an8}♪ And I would walk 500... ♪ 392 00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:49,920 [music fades] 393 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,839 Hey, that was terrific. 394 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,174 Oh, what an achievement. 395 00:18:54,174 --> 00:18:55,884 [chuckles] You really did it, buddy. 396 00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:58,804 What're you guys talking about? I stunk. I can't act at all. 397 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,305 No. 398 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,392 You were, uh, very believably fat. 399 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,645 Didn't you notice half the time I was staring right into the camera? 400 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:09,022 They had to use peanut butter to get me on my mark. 401 00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:12,526 Yeah, but you've done a great thing for authenticity and inclusivity. 402 00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:14,027 I don't know what those words mean. 403 00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:16,363 I just like to see your tail wag when you say 'em. 404 00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,657 Peter, you're giving the marginalized a voice. 405 00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,159 How are they marginalized? 406 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,452 The whole country's full of dumb, fat [bleep]. 407 00:19:22,452 --> 00:19:25,831 Now more than ever we need authenticity and inclusivity. 408 00:19:25,831 --> 00:19:28,167 No, Brian. What we need is good actors. 409 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:31,253 I don't care if they're Black, white, tall, short, thin, fat-- 410 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:32,963 Gay, straight. You forgot those ones. 411 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,257 Look, I-I admit I thought acting was easy. 412 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:38,927 And maybe I was blinded by all the praise I got from Harvey Weinstein. 413 00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:41,972 Peter, Harvey Weinstein hasn't had clout for, like, six years. 414 00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,516 Oh, boy. Then I may have done some things I'll regret. 415 00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:46,768 I don't know. I guess, as a fat guy, 416 00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:49,897 I-I got offended that Chris Christie wasn't played by a fat guy. 417 00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:52,149 But turns out it just needed to be a good actor. 418 00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:54,443 Maybe we should all spend less time judging 419 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:57,738 and more time enjoying what different actors bring to different roles. 420 00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,990 That's the magic of movies and TV. 421 00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,491 [Chris] And stepson porn. 422 00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:03,702 Chris, you don't have to join every conversation. 423 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,037 [murmuring] 424 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,708 Okay, look, look. I understand not everyone will agree on this issue. 425 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:13,128 But let's discuss it in a civilized manner by making death threats 426 00:20:13,128 --> 00:20:16,048 from our individual homes to one another on the Internet. 427 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,716 [phone dings] 428 00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:22,221 Right back at you, buddy. 429 00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,729 Well, I'm sorry your movie didn't go over well, Peter. 430 00:20:30,729 --> 00:20:33,565 Yeah, the money was good, but I got tired of all the one-night stands. 431 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:34,650 - What? - Huh? 432 00:20:34,650 --> 00:20:38,070 Sorry, my ears have been clogged since I made out with that guy from the film crew. 433 00:20:38,070 --> 00:20:39,154 - What? - Huh? 434 00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:40,239 Well, I gotta say, Bri, 435 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:43,951 it might not have worked out for Dad, but I sure got bit by the acting bug. 436 00:20:43,951 --> 00:20:45,577 Really? You wanna be an actor? 437 00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,746 Oh, yeah. I'd be great in Streetcar. 438 00:20:47,746 --> 00:20:51,416 Stella! Stella! 439 00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:54,503 - What? - Is Aidan home?