♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's a family guy ♪
Hey, Meg, what's up?
A cool kid said, "What's up?"
Oh. It was just a dream.
Goldy, no!
Ugh, fifth one this week.
Oh, my God! Mr. Clompers.
Stay with me, Mr. Clompers.
Stay with me, you son of a bitch!
Ugh, there's only one way to turn this day around.
Crouch behind a dumpster in the back of Quiznos
and wait for the half-eaten subs to be thrown out.
Yep. Looks like things are finally starting to turn around
for The Meg-a-rino.
Hey, what are you doing?
I'm not a dumpster. Put me down.
- Man, this job sucks. - I don't know.
Ladies running with trash bags and no bras on is pretty cool sometimes.
Wait!
Right on cue.
And now the mind creates scenarios and so forth.
Hey, what are you doing home from work?
Eh, some sicko called in a bomb scare.
Then they confiscated everyone's phones, and I was told to take the day off.
Peter, did you call in the bomb scare?
God, you sound just like them.
For the last time, maybe.
Well, since you're home, you can watch my daytime shows with me.
Hello?
There's a bomb in the TV. Leave the remote and exit the room.
Nice try, but we're watching The View.
Welcome to The View. Today, we're talking about mansplaining.
Meghan McCain, you go first.
I thought Meghan McCain quit.
Oh, yeah, she did.
They replaced her with a dozen feral cats in a quinceañera dress,
and no one can tell the difference.
The cats have an important dead dad, so we gotta hear 'em out.
It's The Kelly Clarkson Show.
She's got a show now?
Yes, and she's actually very funny
if you're a woman who claps when the plane lands.
Give me that thing.
Aren't there any daytime TV shows hosted by men?
Peter, are you kidding me?
Conversations between men are boring.
I've heard what you and the guys talk about.
Me and the guys would be great at hosting one of these shows.
We talk about interesting stuff all the time.
Just this past weekend, we were talking about
how a lot of people don't know which one is Chip and which one is Dale.
Well, it's actually very simple.
Chip's nose is black, and Dale's nose is red.
And if you need help remembering, you say "chocolate chip."
The Chipmunks were easier because they had big letters on their shirts.
But that's Tuesday's show.
Oh, please.
All men run out of things to say to each other after 20 minutes.
Oh, yeah? Well, if guys are so bad at talking,
how come Regis Philbin is still yapping?
So, Joy hands me a box and I open it,
and it's the same darn sweater from last Christmas!
Can you believe that?
Coming up, Angel's David Boreanaz.
Look at Kathie Lee. She's fanning herself!
Whoa, Meg. What happened to you?
Yo, I straight up thought that was Post Malone for a hot second.
I just had the worst day of my life!
Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna bake cookies from scratch
and eat them until I puke.
Meg, I think what you're going through are typical teenage emotions.
Trust me. Everything will change when you go to college.
Speaking of, guess who got a letter from the University of Rhode Island today.
Wait, what?
And it came in a big envelope.
You know what that means.
Finally, some good news.
"From the Office of Admissions at the University of Rhode Island"--
Wow, so official.
"Hey, sorry. We ran out of small envelopes.
You didn't get in."
Meg, I'm so sorry.
I just have to accept it.
I'll never be happy.
A talk show for men? That's a great idea.
Yeah, imagine getting paid
to talk about stuff we already talk about around this table.
Hey, that could be the title, Bar Table Talk.
Oh, guys. Check it out. Tom Tucker is wasted at the bar again.
Put on Channel Six.
I w-- I wanna see what Doppler those dinks are working with.
A 3000? Ha!
What, are they telling us the weather in 2004?
Hey, fellas. I'll be right back.
Boy, it's fun to fantasize about having a talk show.
But sadly, that's all it's gonna be
'cause ain't nobody putting four guys with zero experience on TV.
Yeah, you're right.
Start thinking of warm to hot topics, fellas.
What are you talking about?
I just spoke to Tom Tucker.
A few months ago, I did him a big favor,
and he said if there's anything he could ever do for me, just ask.
So I just asked and he said yes.
Gentlemen, say hello to the hosts
of your new Channel Five daytime talk show.
Oh, my God, that's amazing!
This is awesome!
Wait, Joe, what was the favor you did for Tom Tucker?
I mustache-sat for him over the holidays.
We said Rise of Gru and then bed. That was the deal we made.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'm having a hard time too.
Hey, what the heck are you guys doing? Those are my cookies!
Meg, these are literally the best cookies I've ever had in my life.
Yeah, they're incredible.
Did you switch up the recipe?
No, I don't think so.
So good, Meg.
I'd have another, but I gotta see Dean later.
Dean's my trainer. Guy kicks my frickin' ass.
You must have done something different. These are fantastic.
Hmm.
I think my tears falling into the batter
must have made these cookies taste different.
Not different, delicious.
Last week, Dean was saying I'm the most ripped guy he trains.
Off the record, of course.
Meg, I think this could be the start of a business.
People would pay a premium for cookies this good.
Really? Uh, a business is a lot of work.
Unless maybe you guys wanna help out?
- I'd be happy to. - I'll do it.
So Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays are Dean days.
Other than that, I'm down.
I'm in ketosis, by the way.
This is exciting, you guys!
We just have to find a way to get the word out about these cookies.
I don't think we'll have to worry about that.
I just got an e-mail back from the one show
that'll put our product in front of the entire country.
Long Hallway Shark Tank.
First up, Meg Griffin and family
with a new twist on a popular snack.
Hello, Sharks. I'm here to--
We have so many new cookie orders.
Which means we've got a lot of baking to do. Let's get going.
Sorry. If I'm in a busy kitchen,
I'm gonna have to scream at someone Gordon Ramsay-style.
A raw egg? You're gonna kill someone.
Twenty years of being in the business,
and you're the biggest buffoon I've ever met.
Now, let's step outside,
where I'll speak to you in an entirely different tone.
What's going on with you? Tell me.
I don't-- I don't know.
You're overwhelmed trying to live up to your father's expectations, aren't you?
Yeah, I guess.
Listen, your father, Nikos, was a proud Greek man
who came to this country with nothing but a baklava and a dream.
But he's gone now, and you have to accept that.
Now, those people in there need a leader, not a friend. Understood?
Yes. Thank you, Chef Ramsay.
I have tremendous respect for you and what you do for people's businesses.
Good. Now, just don't Yelp any places from the show
or eat at any of my restaurants in Las Vegas.
Oh, from Peter. "Turn on Channel Five right now."
Welcome to the first episode of Bar Table Talk.
Finally, a show for men, by men, football.
Ugh, you've got to be kidding me.
Now, check out our theme song called "Guys Just Wanna Have Fun."
Which is just each of us yelling "Guys"
over the parts where they sing "Girls" in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."
♪ When the workin' day is done ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪ - ♪ Guys ♪
♪ They wanna have fun ♪
- ♪ Oh... ♪ - ♪ Guys ♪
- ♪ ...just wanna have... ♪ - ♪ Guys ♪
♪ They want Wanna have fun ♪
- ♪ Girls ♪ - ♪ Guys ♪
Damn it, Joe.
This is why I wanted to use "The Boys Are Back in Town," but no.
Welcome back.
Now it's time for "The Clenched Buttocks Urinal Fart of the Day,"
sent in by Gene Kozlowski at Imperial Tool and Die
in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
Let her rip, Gene.
You just know that one had the power of a state-fair sausage behind it.
Impressive stuff.
Coming up, all the people from your wife's work
she claims are horrible who-- surprise-- aren't.
Ugh, disgusting. I can't believe that's my husband.
Although I shouldn't be surprised after what happened on our wedding night.
Peter, are you ready?
Sorry, I already masturbated.
There was a seashell on top of the toilet that looked like a boob.
Okay. Lunch is over. We got more cookie orders to take care of.
All right. Let's get our sister crying.
♪ I was all right for a while ♪
♪ I could smile for a while ♪
♪ Then I saw you last night ♪
♪ You held my hand so tight ♪
♪ As you stopped to say "Hello" ♪
♪ Oh, you wished me well You couldn't tell ♪
♪ That I'd been crying over you ♪
♪ Crying over you ♪
♪ Crying... ♪
And that's why the Eagles are the best yard work band of all time.
I'm sorry. Are we in a world where the Steve Miller Band was never born?
Oh, this show gets dumber by the second.
Just come in. Who even cares anymore?
Oh, hi, Daddy. What are you doing here?
Oh, I stopped by to--
Oh, no way. I love this show.
Oh, is Meg around?
- She's in the kitchen. - Excellent.
Well, aren't you gonna ask how I'm doing?
Lois, I can see one, two, three ant traps. I know how you're doing.
Oh, four.
- Oh, hey, Carter. - What are you doing here, Grandpa?
Word has gotten around about your cookies, and I have a business opportunity for you.
I'm throwing a party for my billionaire friends on Friday,
and I'd like you to cater it.
Oh, my God. We'd love to.
Uh, Meg, maybe let a graduate of the Howard Schultz MasterClass handle this.
- I'm prepared to offer you 10,000... - We'll do it.
...pennies. 10,000 pennies or $100.
Oh, dude. You blew it.
Just kidding. I'm super rich. I'll pay you 50 grand.
Holy crap! $50,000!
I'll need 500 bags of cookies. All right. See you Friday.
Ugh, I really don't wanna have to talk to your mother again.
Guess I'll just "AirPods" it out.
Bye, Daddy. I said, "Bye," Daddy.
You guys, I just want to thank you
for helping make my cookies such a success.
It really means a lot to me.
And for the first time in my life,
I'm finally feeling proud of myself and hopeful about my future.
I think-- I think I'm actually happy.
Aw, that's great to hear, Meg.
We're proud of you too.
Now we got cookies to make. Give us those tears.
Oh, I know. Meg, when you were a baby, you were left at a fire station,
and those firemen left you at another fire station.
The only reason you had a date for homecoming
was because the guy got community service hours for it.
Oh, no. I can't cry.
And-- And when I hear about my crappy old life,
I just feel proud and happy about where I am now.
Uh-oh. No tears means no cookies.
Which also means no cookie business.
Hi. I'm Jamie Lee Curtis,
and I heard someone here was having a problem with feminine dryness.
Oh, I-- I think I'm all set.
Have you tried Sliquid Feminine Wash? The natural solution to feminine dryness?
Oh, no. No. I-- I think we have different problems, dawg.
I'd hear her out.
Sliquid is the one feminine wash that goes on dry and doesn't drip.
Chris, are you selling intimacy products with Jamie Lee Curtis?
Well, Stewie, I'd say Sliquid sells itself.
It goes on dry?
Meg, I don't want to alarm you, but if you can't cry,
we won't get the $50,000 from Carter for catering his party.
I know. I'm sorry.
It's just that since the cookie business became successful, I'm not sad anymore.
Well, there goes my dream of becoming the next Otis Spunkmeyer.
Your dream is to be Otis Spunkmeyer?
I love a company that works a dirty word for a bodily fluid into their name.
Chris. That is absolutely disgusting.
Hey, the way I see it, in this life, you gotta laugh.
God, he said "you gotta laugh" so many times it started to feel like a threat.
Why did we come to this again?
Remember that kid I hit with my mail truck?
- That was the kid? - That was the kid.
Ladies, I'm at the end of my rope with this damn show.
Peter's become impossible to live with.
Yeah. Cleveland thinks he's fancy too.
You know, he's demanding Pert Plus now instead of regular old Pert.
Joe's also gotten a big head lately.
When he eats Graham Crackers now,
he totally ignores the suggested perforations.
He's like a mad king.
We've got to shut this show down.
Oh, I don't know.
Lois, have you heard what Peter said on yesterday's show?
And so I say, men, we deserve a second drawer.
It should be four to two, not five to one!
Ladies, it's time to put an end to their little show.
Now, remember, when they start talking about how awful women are,
we storm the stage, call them out on it, and then we'll go viral,
and the show will be canceled.
Welcome to Bar Table Talk.
Fellas, what's on your mind today?
Is it me or does it seem like no one knows how to coil a garden hose anymore?
Remember sports guys you liked?
- Oh, yeah. - Totally.
I like those guys.
Um, you know what? Let's take a break.
We'll be right back.
- Oh, my God, it's happening. - What's happening?
Ugh, what are we doing?
I started this
'cause there were no daytime talk shows with men, and Lois said
that's because men eventually run out of things to say to each other.
Well, looks like she was right.
I don't wanna be right.
Lois? What are you all doing here?
We came down to get this show canceled.
Between the embarrassing content and you becoming so full of yourself at home,
well, I thought it was the only option.
But when I heard you admit you were wrong,
I remembered why I married you in the first place.
Because I proposed in an offensive Chinese accent,
and you just wanted to get out of the restaurant?
No, Peter. Because beneath all your craziness,
I know there's just a sweet, confused child.
- Can I get a lizard? - No, Peter.
But you said.
Fine, you can get a lizard.
I love you, Mom Lois.
I love you too, Peter.
Can you watch my lizard? I'm bored of it.
You really think seeing a therapist is the best way to get me to cry?
Absolutely. And this guy is the best in town.
See you next week, John.
Looking forward to it.
Man, there's nothing to do for that guy, but he's got insurance.
Okay. Who's Meg Griffin?
So, I'm Dr. Matthews, but you can call me Brad.
My Delta Chi brothers used to call me Crusher.
So that's fair game too.
Wow, this guy rocks.
Before we start, it's important to know I only accept crypto.
So, Bitcoin, Dogecoin or Ethereum.
Oh, actually, wait. Not Ethereum. Wait, wait, no. I don't-- I don't anymore.
Wait. Yes. Yes. Yes, I do. But you have to send it, like, right now.
Did you send it?
- I did. - No, why did you do that?
"Forget real estate. Invest in money you can't even see," they said.
Okay. I guess let's talk about you.
Well, earlier this week, I cried into some cookie dough,
and my tears actually made the cookies taste incredible.
So, we started a successful cookie business using my tears,
but now I'm too happy to cry anymore.
But no tears means no money.
Meg, have you considered the reason you're happy isn't because of the business?
That maybe it's because you finally got to spend quality time
bonding with the family members you love.
Oh, snap. My man Crusher dropping knowledge bombs.
Guys, is the money really worth the sister you love feeling badly about herself?
- No. - It's not.
The new Thom Browne line is out next week. So, maybe?
Wow. I can't believe you'd choose my happiness
over all that money, you guys.
That really means a lot.
We just want you to be happy, Meg.
Chris is right. We love you.
Aw, I love you guys.
Hey, where's that diploma from?
Oh, that's not a diploma.
That's a certificate for finishing the Big Bertha
at Leo's Bar and Grill in Cincinnati.
Got a T-shirt too, but it's at the dry cleaners.
Wow. Dry cleaning a T-shirt, bragging about a regional food challenge?
That's the dream.
Honey, it's me. They fell for the whole Crusher routine.
Oh, and their little cookie business? Let's just say I took care of it.
What happened last night?
Oh, nothing. Just-- Just hit a home run in my softball game.
No, I mean-- I mean the building.
Huh? Oh. Huge gas leak.
Won the game. Everybody's dead.
Sorry I got carried away with my daytime talk show, Lois.
Oh, Peter. I'm just glad you're home
and still wearing television makeup for some reason.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Hey, sorry your cookie business didn't work out, Meg.
Yeah, I guess it would have been pretty sweet
to have a successful cookie business.
But it's fine.
You know, Meg, the way I see it,
life's too darn short.
Boy, that was brutal.
Yeah. What a big waste of time.
I know. It's like, life really is too darn short.
Huh.
Maybe it was good.
Screw it. I'm getting a shirt.