1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 2 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928 ♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪ 3 00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389 ♪ On which we used to rely ♪ 4 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 5 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪ 6 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 7 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 8 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 9 00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:36,703 {\an8}Hey, Meg, what's up? 10 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,955 {\an8}[gasps] A cool kid said, "What's up?" 11 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:40,957 {\an8}[gasps] 12 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:44,127 {\an8}Oh. It was just a dream. 13 00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:49,758 {\an8}[gasps] Goldy, no! 14 00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,218 {\an8}Ugh, fifth one this week. 15 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:54,888 {\an8}- [splats] - [flies buzzing] 16 00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:58,600 {\an8}Oh, my God! Mr. Clompers. [grunts] 17 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,686 {\an8}Stay with me, Mr. Clompers. 18 00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:02,812 {\an8}[Meg blows] 19 00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:05,982 {\an8}Stay with me, you son of a bitch! [blows] 20 00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,942 {\an8}[neighs, thuds] 21 00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:11,821 {\an8}Ugh, there's only one way to turn this day around. 22 00:01:11,821 --> 00:01:14,032 {\an8}Crouch behind a dumpster in the back of Quiznos 23 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,659 {\an8}and wait for the half-eaten subs to be thrown out. 24 00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,958 Yep. Looks like things are finally starting to turn around 25 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,919 for The Meg-a-rino. 26 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,504 [machine whirring] 27 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,047 Hey, what are you doing? 28 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,007 I'm not a dumpster. Put me down. 29 00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:32,133 - [screams, thuds] - [trash rattles] 30 00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:34,385 - Man, this job sucks. - I don't know. 31 00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:37,972 Ladies running with trash bags and no bras on is pretty cool sometimes. 32 00:01:37,972 --> 00:01:39,057 [person] Wait! 33 00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:40,141 Right on cue. 34 00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:42,894 And now the mind creates scenarios and so forth. 35 00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,983 {\an8}Hey, what are you doing home from work? 36 00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:51,402 {\an8}Eh, some sicko called in a bomb scare. 37 00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:54,572 {\an8}Then they confiscated everyone's phones, and I was told to take the day off. 38 00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:56,699 {\an8}Peter, did you call in the bomb scare? 39 00:01:56,699 --> 00:01:58,368 {\an8}God, you sound just like them. 40 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,203 {\an8}For the last time, maybe. 41 00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:04,249 {\an8}Well, since you're home, you can watch my daytime shows with me. 42 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,917 {\an8}- [phone buzzes] - Hello? 43 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:09,671 {\an8}There's a bomb in the TV. Leave the remote and exit the room. 44 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:12,257 {\an8}Nice try, but we're watching The View. 45 00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:16,010 {\an8}Welcome to The View. Today, we're talking about mansplaining. 46 00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:17,804 {\an8}Meghan McCain, you go first. 47 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,514 {\an8}I thought Meghan McCain quit. 48 00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:20,598 {\an8}Oh, yeah, she did. 49 00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:24,060 {\an8}They replaced her with a dozen feral cats in a quinceañera dress, 50 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:25,645 {\an8}and no one can tell the difference. 51 00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,397 {\an8}[cats yowling] 52 00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:32,318 {\an8}The cats have an important dead dad, so we gotta hear 'em out. 53 00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:35,572 {\an8}[announcer] It's The Kelly Clarkson Show. 54 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:37,115 {\an8}She's got a show now? 55 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,242 {\an8}Yes, and she's actually very funny 56 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,494 {\an8}if you're a woman who claps when the plane lands. 57 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:42,579 {\an8}Give me that thing. 58 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:45,415 {\an8}Aren't there any daytime TV shows hosted by men? 59 00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,000 {\an8}Peter, are you kidding me? 60 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,419 {\an8}Conversations between men are boring. 61 00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,588 {\an8}I've heard what you and the guys talk about. 62 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:54,174 {\an8}Me and the guys would be great at hosting one of these shows. 63 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,050 {\an8}We talk about interesting stuff all the time. 64 00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:57,844 {\an8}Just this past weekend, we were talking about 65 00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,847 {\an8}how a lot of people don't know which one is Chip and which one is Dale. 66 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,307 {\an8}Well, it's actually very simple. 67 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,934 {\an8}Chip's nose is black, and Dale's nose is red. 68 00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:07,854 And if you need help remembering, you say "chocolate chip." 69 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:10,857 The Chipmunks were easier because they had big letters on their shirts. 70 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,192 But that's Tuesday's show. 71 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,276 Oh, please. 72 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:16,279 All men run out of things to say to each other after 20 minutes. 73 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,364 Oh, yeah? Well, if guys are so bad at talking, 74 00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:20,325 how come Regis Philbin is still yapping? 75 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,952 [Regis] So, Joy hands me a box and I open it, 76 00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:25,788 and it's the same darn sweater from last Christmas! 77 00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:26,873 Can you believe that? 78 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:29,042 Coming up, Angel's David Boreanaz. 79 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,544 Look at Kathie Lee. She's fanning herself! 80 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,260 Whoa, Meg. What happened to you? 81 00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:42,513 Yo, I straight up thought that was Post Malone for a hot second. 82 00:03:42,513 --> 00:03:45,016 I just had the worst day of my life! 83 00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:47,602 {\an8}Now, if you don't mind, I'm gonna bake cookies from scratch 84 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,479 {\an8}and eat them until I puke. 85 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:53,066 Meg, I think what you're going through are typical teenage emotions. 86 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,485 Trust me. Everything will change when you go to college. 87 00:03:55,485 --> 00:04:00,615 Speaking of, guess who got a letter from the University of Rhode Island today. 88 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:01,699 {\an8}Wait, what? 89 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:04,452 And it came in a big envelope. 90 00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,496 You know what that means. 91 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,206 Finally, some good news. 92 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:11,251 {\an8}"From the Office of Admissions at the University of Rhode Island"-- 93 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,211 {\an8}Wow, so official. 94 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,172 {\an8}"Hey, sorry. We ran out of small envelopes. 95 00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:17,340 {\an8}You didn't get in." 96 00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:23,721 {\an8}Meg, I'm so sorry. 97 00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:25,348 {\an8}I just have to accept it. 98 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,433 {\an8}I'll never be happy. 99 00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:37,068 A talk show for men? That's a great idea. 100 00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:38,319 Yeah, imagine getting paid 101 00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,989 to talk about stuff we already talk about around this table. 102 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,783 Hey, that could be the title, Bar Table Talk. 103 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,953 Oh, guys. Check it out. Tom Tucker is wasted at the bar again. 104 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,538 Put on Channel Six. 105 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,666 I w-- I wanna see what Doppler those dinks are working with. 106 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:54,419 A 3000? Ha! 107 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:57,297 What, are they telling us the weather in 2004? 108 00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,132 Hey, fellas. I'll be right back. 109 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,801 Boy, it's fun to fantasize about having a talk show. 110 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,803 But sadly, that's all it's gonna be 111 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:07,974 'cause ain't nobody putting four guys with zero experience on TV. 112 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,058 Yeah, you're right. 113 00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,227 Start thinking of warm to hot topics, fellas. 114 00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:12,312 What are you talking about? 115 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,439 I just spoke to Tom Tucker. 116 00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,232 A few months ago, I did him a big favor, 117 00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:19,694 and he said if there's anything he could ever do for me, just ask. 118 00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:22,196 So I just asked and he said yes. 119 00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:25,033 Gentlemen, say hello to the hosts 120 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,368 of your new Channel Five daytime talk show. 121 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,953 Oh, my God, that's amazing! 122 00:05:28,953 --> 00:05:30,163 This is awesome! 123 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,623 Wait, Joe, what was the favor you did for Tom Tucker? 124 00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:35,084 I mustache-sat for him over the holidays. 125 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:40,715 We said Rise of Gru and then bed. That was the deal we made. 126 00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:42,508 [mustache chirps] 127 00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:46,095 I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'm having a hard time too. 128 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:53,144 Hey, what the heck are you guys doing? Those are my cookies! 129 00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:56,939 Meg, these are literally the best cookies I've ever had in my life. 130 00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,649 Yeah, they're incredible. 131 00:05:58,649 --> 00:05:59,984 Did you switch up the recipe? 132 00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:01,361 No, I don't think so. 133 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,904 So good, Meg. 134 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:05,031 I'd have another, but I gotta see Dean later. 135 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,867 Dean's my trainer. Guy kicks my frickin' ass. 136 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,411 You must have done something different. These are fantastic. 137 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,121 [Meg] Hmm. 138 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,750 I think my tears falling into the batter 139 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,835 must have made these cookies taste different. 140 00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:20,588 Not different, delicious. [crunches] 141 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:23,925 Last week, Dean was saying I'm the most ripped guy he trains. 142 00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,510 Off the record, of course. 143 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,720 Meg, I think this could be the start of a business. 144 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,889 People would pay a premium for cookies this good. 145 00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:33,476 Really? Uh, a business is a lot of work. 146 00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:37,230 Unless maybe you guys wanna help out? 147 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,856 - I'd be happy to. - I'll do it. 148 00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:41,651 So Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays are Dean days. 149 00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:42,944 Other than that, I'm down. 150 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:44,362 I'm in ketosis, by the way. 151 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,072 This is exciting, you guys! 152 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,741 We just have to find a way to get the word out about these cookies. 153 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:50,701 I don't think we'll have to worry about that. 154 00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:53,121 I just got an e-mail back from the one show 155 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:56,332 that'll put our product in front of the entire country. 156 00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:58,584 Long Hallway Shark Tank. 157 00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:02,088 [announcer] First up, Meg Griffin and family 158 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,298 with a new twist on a popular snack. 159 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,415 Hello, Sharks. I'm here to-- 160 00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:48,009 We have so many new cookie orders. 161 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,803 Which means we've got a lot of baking to do. Let's get going. 162 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,430 Sorry. If I'm in a busy kitchen, 163 00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,224 I'm gonna have to scream at someone Gordon Ramsay-style. 164 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,811 A raw egg? You're gonna kill someone. 165 00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,605 Twenty years of being in the business, 166 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:03,232 and you're the biggest buffoon I've ever met. 167 00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:04,484 Now, let's step outside, 168 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,069 where I'll speak to you in an entirely different tone. 169 00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:09,238 What's going on with you? Tell me. 170 00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:10,823 I don't-- I don't know. 171 00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:14,744 You're overwhelmed trying to live up to your father's expectations, aren't you? 172 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:16,370 Yeah, I guess. 173 00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:19,332 Listen, your father, Nikos, was a proud Greek man 174 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,418 who came to this country with nothing but a baklava and a dream. 175 00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,795 But he's gone now, and you have to accept that. 176 00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:28,299 Now, those people in there need a leader, not a friend. Understood? 177 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,468 Yes. Thank you, Chef Ramsay. 178 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:34,347 I have tremendous respect for you and what you do for people's businesses. 179 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,266 Good. Now, just don't Yelp any places from the show 180 00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:39,852 or eat at any of my restaurants in Las Vegas. 181 00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:44,732 [phone buzzes] 182 00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:48,819 Oh, from Peter. "Turn on Channel Five right now." 183 00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:53,032 [Peter] Welcome to the first episode of Bar Table Talk. 184 00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:56,786 Finally, a show for men, by men, football. 185 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,621 Ugh, you've got to be kidding me. 186 00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:02,542 Now, check out our theme song called "Guys Just Wanna Have Fun." 187 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,335 Which is just each of us yelling "Guys" 188 00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:07,213 over the parts where they sing "Girls" in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." 189 00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:10,550 ♪ When the workin' day is done ♪ 190 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,134 - ♪ Oh... ♪ - ♪ Guys ♪ 191 00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:14,637 ♪ They wanna have fun ♪ 192 00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,846 - ♪ Oh... ♪ - ♪ Guys ♪ 193 00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:18,307 - ♪ ...just wanna have... ♪ - ♪ Guys ♪ 194 00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:22,228 ♪ They want Wanna have fun ♪ 195 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,146 - ♪ Girls ♪ - [delayed] ♪ Guys ♪ 196 00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:25,147 [Peter] Damn it, Joe. 197 00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:29,151 [Joe] This is why I wanted to use "The Boys Are Back in Town," but no. 198 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,322 Welcome back. 199 00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:37,159 Now it's time for "The Clenched Buttocks Urinal Fart of the Day," 200 00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:40,621 sent in by Gene Kozlowski at Imperial Tool and Die 201 00:09:40,621 --> 00:09:41,998 in Kenosha, Wisconsin. 202 00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,165 Let her rip, Gene. 203 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:47,461 - [Gene farting] - [zipper closes] 204 00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:48,754 - [sighs] - [toilet flushes] 205 00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:53,259 You just know that one had the power of a state-fair sausage behind it. 206 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,343 Impressive stuff. 207 00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,929 Coming up, all the people from your wife's work 208 00:09:56,929 --> 00:10:00,349 she claims are horrible who-- surprise-- aren't. 209 00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:03,853 Ugh, disgusting. I can't believe that's my husband. 210 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:07,106 Although I shouldn't be surprised after what happened on our wedding night. 211 00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,399 [moans] 212 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,693 Peter, are you ready? 213 00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:13,195 Sorry, I already masturbated. 214 00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:16,032 There was a seashell on top of the toilet that looked like a boob. 215 00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:23,497 {\an8}Okay. Lunch is over. We got more cookie orders to take care of. 216 00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,917 {\an8}All right. Let's get our sister crying. 217 00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:29,170 ["Crying" playing] 218 00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:33,633 {\an8}♪ I was all right for a while ♪ 219 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:38,262 {\an8}♪ I could smile for a while ♪ 220 00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:41,724 {\an8}♪ Then I saw you last night ♪ 221 00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:44,435 {\an8}♪ You held my hand so tight ♪ 222 00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:48,564 ♪ As you stopped to say "Hello" ♪ 223 00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:54,153 {\an8}♪ Oh, you wished me well You couldn't tell ♪ 224 00:10:55,529 --> 00:11:01,327 ♪ That I'd been crying over you ♪ 225 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:06,624 ♪ Crying over you ♪ 226 00:11:07,124 --> 00:11:09,418 ♪ Crying... ♪ 227 00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:11,420 [birds chirping] 228 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:15,675 [Peter] And that's why the Eagles are the best yard work band of all time. 229 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:20,179 [Joe] I'm sorry. Are we in a world where the Steve Miller Band was never born? 230 00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,390 Oh, this show gets dumber by the second. 231 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:25,685 - [doorbell rings] - Just come in. Who even cares anymore? 232 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,145 Oh, hi, Daddy. What are you doing here? 233 00:11:28,145 --> 00:11:29,313 Oh, I stopped by to-- 234 00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:31,315 Oh, no way. I love this show. 235 00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:32,775 Oh, is Meg around? 236 00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,652 - She's in the kitchen. - Excellent. 237 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,529 Well, aren't you gonna ask how I'm doing? 238 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:41,075 Lois, I can see one, two, three ant traps. I know how you're doing. 239 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:42,159 Oh, four. 240 00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:48,541 {\an8}- Oh, hey, Carter. - What are you doing here, Grandpa? 241 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:52,545 {\an8}Word has gotten around about your cookies, and I have a business opportunity for you. 242 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,256 {\an8}I'm throwing a party for my billionaire friends on Friday, 243 00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,507 {\an8}and I'd like you to cater it. 244 00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,843 {\an8}Oh, my God. We'd love to. 245 00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:03,764 {\an8}Uh, Meg, maybe let a graduate of the Howard Schultz MasterClass handle this. 246 00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:06,142 {\an8}- I'm prepared to offer you 10,000... - We'll do it. 247 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:09,395 {\an8}...pennies. 10,000 pennies or $100. 248 00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,230 Oh, dude. You blew it. 249 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,316 {\an8}Just kidding. I'm super rich. I'll pay you 50 grand. 250 00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:17,611 {\an8}Holy crap! $50,000! 251 00:12:17,611 --> 00:12:20,698 {\an8}I'll need 500 bags of cookies. All right. See you Friday. 252 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,784 {\an8}Ugh, I really don't wanna have to talk to your mother again. 253 00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,578 {\an8}Guess I'll just "AirPods" it out. 254 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:30,207 {\an8}- [footsteps departing] - [Lois] Bye, Daddy. I said, "Bye," Daddy. 255 00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,917 {\an8}[door opens, closes] 256 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,797 You guys, I just want to thank you 257 00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:39,133 for helping make my cookies such a success. 258 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,760 It really means a lot to me. 259 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,803 And for the first time in my life, 260 00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:46,807 I'm finally feeling proud of myself and hopeful about my future. 261 00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:50,102 I think-- I think I'm actually happy. 262 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:52,396 Aw, that's great to hear, Meg. 263 00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,606 We're proud of you too. 264 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,233 Now we got cookies to make. Give us those tears. 265 00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:58,986 [inhales, grunts] 266 00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:08,329 Oh, I know. Meg, when you were a baby, you were left at a fire station, 267 00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:12,082 and those firemen left you at another fire station. 268 00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,836 The only reason you had a date for homecoming 269 00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:18,631 was because the guy got community service hours for it. 270 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,093 Oh, no. I can't cry. 271 00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:25,179 And-- And when I hear about my crappy old life, 272 00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:28,015 I just feel proud and happy about where I am now. 273 00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:30,476 Uh-oh. No tears means no cookies. 274 00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,354 Which also means no cookie business. 275 00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,606 Hi. I'm Jamie Lee Curtis, 276 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:39,235 and I heard someone here was having a problem with feminine dryness. 277 00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:41,028 Oh, I-- I think I'm all set. 278 00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:45,950 Have you tried Sliquid Feminine Wash? The natural solution to feminine dryness? 279 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:50,496 Oh, no. No. I-- I think we have different problems, dawg. 280 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:51,747 I'd hear her out. 281 00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:55,793 Sliquid is the one feminine wash that goes on dry and doesn't drip. 282 00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:59,463 Chris, are you selling intimacy products with Jamie Lee Curtis? 283 00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:02,591 Well, Stewie, I'd say Sliquid sells itself. 284 00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,677 [Chris, Jamie Lee laugh] 285 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,388 It goes on dry? 286 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,563 Meg, I don't want to alarm you, but if you can't cry, 287 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:18,607 we won't get the $50,000 from Carter for catering his party. 288 00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,150 I know. I'm sorry. 289 00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:24,071 It's just that since the cookie business became successful, I'm not sad anymore. 290 00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:27,992 Well, there goes my dream of becoming the next Otis Spunkmeyer. 291 00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:30,494 Your dream is to be Otis Spunkmeyer? 292 00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:35,249 I love a company that works a dirty word for a bodily fluid into their name. 293 00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:37,626 Chris. That is absolutely disgusting. 294 00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:42,256 Hey, the way I see it, in this life, you gotta laugh. 295 00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:49,889 God, he said "you gotta laugh" so many times it started to feel like a threat. 296 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,473 Why did we come to this again? 297 00:14:51,473 --> 00:14:53,684 Remember that kid I hit with my mail truck? 298 00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:56,020 - That was the kid? - That was the kid. 299 00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:02,234 Ladies, I'm at the end of my rope with this damn show. 300 00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:04,361 Peter's become impossible to live with. 301 00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:06,655 Yeah. Cleveland thinks he's fancy too. 302 00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:10,701 You know, he's demanding Pert Plus now instead of regular old Pert. 303 00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:12,620 Joe's also gotten a big head lately. 304 00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,330 When he eats Graham Crackers now, 305 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,583 he totally ignores the suggested perforations. 306 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,460 He's like a mad king. 307 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,211 We've got to shut this show down. 308 00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:22,755 Oh, I don't know. 309 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:26,884 Lois, have you heard what Peter said on yesterday's show? 310 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:30,429 [Peter] And so I say, men, we deserve a second drawer. 311 00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,223 It should be four to two, not five to one! 312 00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:34,308 [gasps] 313 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:39,688 Ladies, it's time to put an end to their little show. 314 00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:48,155 Now, remember, when they start talking about how awful women are, 315 00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:52,159 we storm the stage, call them out on it, and then we'll go viral, 316 00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,827 and the show will be canceled. 317 00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:56,747 Welcome to Bar Table Talk. 318 00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,248 Fellas, what's on your mind today? 319 00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:01,794 Is it me or does it seem like no one knows how to coil a garden hose anymore? 320 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,840 Remember sports guys you liked? 321 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:07,967 - Oh, yeah. - Totally. 322 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,134 I like those guys. 323 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,765 Um, you know what? Let's take a break. 324 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:15,933 We'll be right back. 325 00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:19,144 - Oh, my God, it's happening. - What's happening? 326 00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,146 Ugh, what are we doing? 327 00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,231 I started this 328 00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:25,150 'cause there were no daytime talk shows with men, and Lois said 329 00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:28,362 that's because men eventually run out of things to say to each other. 330 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:30,239 Well, looks like she was right. 331 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:35,160 I don't wanna be right. 332 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,705 Lois? What are you all doing here? 333 00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:40,290 We came down to get this show canceled. 334 00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:44,169 Between the embarrassing content and you becoming so full of yourself at home, 335 00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,963 well, I thought it was the only option. 336 00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,340 But when I heard you admit you were wrong, 337 00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:51,468 I remembered why I married you in the first place. 338 00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:54,304 Because I proposed in an offensive Chinese accent, 339 00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:56,390 and you just wanted to get out of the restaurant? 340 00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,518 No, Peter. Because beneath all your craziness, 341 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:02,438 I know there's just a sweet, confused child. 342 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,565 - Can I get a lizard? - No, Peter. 343 00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:05,649 But you said. 344 00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:07,359 [sighs] Fine, you can get a lizard. 345 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,319 I love you, Mom Lois. 346 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,113 I love you too, Peter. 347 00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,157 Can you watch my lizard? I'm bored of it. 348 00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:20,497 You really think seeing a therapist is the best way to get me to cry? 349 00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:22,958 Absolutely. And this guy is the best in town. 350 00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:25,544 - [door opens] - See you next week, John. 351 00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:26,670 Looking forward to it. 352 00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:30,799 Man, there's nothing to do for that guy, but he's got insurance. 353 00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:32,885 Okay. Who's Meg Griffin? 354 00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:39,099 So, I'm Dr. Matthews, but you can call me Brad. 355 00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:41,727 My Delta Chi brothers used to call me Crusher. 356 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,187 So that's fair game too. 357 00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,688 Wow, this guy rocks. 358 00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:48,358 Before we start, it's important to know I only accept crypto. 359 00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:51,195 So, Bitcoin, Dogecoin or Ethereum. 360 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:56,033 Oh, actually, wait. Not Ethereum. Wait, wait, no. I don't-- I don't anymore. 361 00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:59,161 Wait. Yes. Yes. Yes, I do. But you have to send it, like, right now. 362 00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:00,579 - [phone beeps] - Did you send it? 363 00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:03,916 - I did. - No, why did you do that? [groans] 364 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:08,462 "Forget real estate. Invest in money you can't even see," they said. 365 00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:11,965 Okay. [inhales] I guess let's talk about you. 366 00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:15,469 Well, earlier this week, I cried into some cookie dough, 367 00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:18,722 and my tears actually made the cookies taste incredible. 368 00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:22,059 So, we started a successful cookie business using my tears, 369 00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:24,645 but now I'm too happy to cry anymore. 370 00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,064 But no tears means no money. 371 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:31,193 Meg, have you considered the reason you're happy isn't because of the business? 372 00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:35,239 That maybe it's because you finally got to spend quality time 373 00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,241 bonding with the family members you love. 374 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:40,744 Oh, snap. My man Crusher dropping knowledge bombs. 375 00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:46,083 Guys, is the money really worth the sister you love feeling badly about herself? 376 00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,255 - No. - It's not. 377 00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:55,134 The new Thom Browne line is out next week. So, maybe? 378 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,220 Wow. I can't believe you'd choose my happiness 379 00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:00,180 over all that money, you guys. 380 00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:01,765 That really means a lot. 381 00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976 We just want you to be happy, Meg. 382 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,311 Chris is right. We love you. 383 00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:08,605 Aw, I love you guys. 384 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,987 Hey, where's that diploma from? 385 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,530 Oh, that's not a diploma. 386 00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,866 That's a certificate for finishing the Big Bertha 387 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:21,243 at Leo's Bar and Grill in Cincinnati. 388 00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:24,079 Got a T-shirt too, but it's at the dry cleaners. 389 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:28,959 Wow. Dry cleaning a T-shirt, bragging about a regional food challenge? 390 00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,294 That's the dream. 391 00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:37,342 Honey, it's me. They fell for the whole Crusher routine. 392 00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:42,848 Oh, and their little cookie business? Let's just say I took care of it. 393 00:19:48,645 --> 00:20:02,326 [cackling] 394 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,494 {\an8}[indistinct chatter on radio] 395 00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:07,331 What happened last night? 396 00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:11,210 Oh, nothing. Just-- Just hit a home run in my softball game. 397 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,295 No, I mean-- I mean the building. 398 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,839 Huh? Oh. Huge gas leak. 399 00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:17,758 Won the game. Everybody's dead. 400 00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:26,350 Sorry I got carried away with my daytime talk show, Lois. 401 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:28,393 Oh, Peter. I'm just glad you're home 402 00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:31,146 and still wearing television makeup for some reason. 403 00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,357 I don't know what you're talking about. 404 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,943 Hey, sorry your cookie business didn't work out, Meg. 405 00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,903 Yeah, I guess it would have been pretty sweet 406 00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,571 to have a successful cookie business. 407 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:40,864 But it's fine. 408 00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:42,658 You know, Meg, the way I see it, 409 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,077 life's too darn short. 410 00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,123 Boy, that was brutal. 411 00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:51,959 Yeah. What a big waste of time. 412 00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:54,628 I know. It's like, life really is too darn short. 413 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:56,255 Huh. 414 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,631 Maybe it was good. 415 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,591 Screw it. I'm getting a shirt.