1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
2
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
5
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
6
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things that make us ♪
7
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
8
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071
♪ He's a family guy ♪
9
00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:36,703
{\an8}Hey, Meg, what's up?
10
00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:38,955
{\an8}[gasps] A cool kid said, "What's up?"
11
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:40,957
{\an8}[gasps]
12
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:44,127
{\an8}Oh. It was just a dream.
13
00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:49,758
{\an8}[gasps] Goldy, no!
14
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,218
{\an8}Ugh, fifth one this week.
15
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:54,888
{\an8}- [splats]
- [flies buzzing]
16
00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:58,600
{\an8}Oh, my God! Mr. Clompers. [grunts]
17
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,686
{\an8}Stay with me, Mr. Clompers.
18
00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:02,812
{\an8}[Meg blows]
19
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:05,982
{\an8}Stay with me, you son of a bitch! [blows]
20
00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,942
{\an8}[neighs, thuds]
21
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:11,821
{\an8}Ugh, there's only one way
to turn this day around.
22
00:01:11,821 --> 00:01:14,032
{\an8}Crouch behind a dumpster
in the back of Quiznos
23
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:16,659
{\an8}and wait for the half-eaten subs
to be thrown out.
24
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,958
Yep. Looks like things
are finally starting to turn around
25
00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,919
for The Meg-a-rino.
26
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,504
[machine whirring]
27
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,047
Hey, what are you doing?
28
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,007
I'm not a dumpster. Put me down.
29
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:32,133
- [screams, thuds]
- [trash rattles]
30
00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:34,385
- Man, this job sucks.
- I don't know.
31
00:01:34,385 --> 00:01:37,972
Ladies running with trash bags
and no bras on is pretty cool sometimes.
32
00:01:37,972 --> 00:01:39,057
[person] Wait!
33
00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:40,141
Right on cue.
34
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:42,894
And now the mind creates scenarios
and so forth.
35
00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,983
{\an8}Hey, what are you doing home from work?
36
00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:51,402
{\an8}Eh, some sicko called in a bomb scare.
37
00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:54,572
{\an8}Then they confiscated everyone's phones,
and I was told to take the day off.
38
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:56,699
{\an8}Peter, did you call in the bomb scare?
39
00:01:56,699 --> 00:01:58,368
{\an8}God, you sound just like them.
40
00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:00,203
{\an8}For the last time, maybe.
41
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:04,249
{\an8}Well, since you're home,
you can watch my daytime shows with me.
42
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,917
{\an8}- [phone buzzes]
- Hello?
43
00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:09,671
{\an8}There's a bomb in the TV.
Leave the remote and exit the room.
44
00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:12,257
{\an8}Nice try, but we're watching The View.
45
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:16,010
{\an8}Welcome to The View.
Today, we're talking about mansplaining.
46
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:17,804
{\an8}Meghan McCain, you go first.
47
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,514
{\an8}I thought Meghan McCain quit.
48
00:02:19,514 --> 00:02:20,598
{\an8}Oh, yeah, she did.
49
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:24,060
{\an8}They replaced her with a dozen
feral cats in a quinceañera dress,
50
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:25,645
{\an8}and no one can tell the difference.
51
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,397
{\an8}[cats yowling]
52
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:32,318
{\an8}The cats have an important dead dad,
so we gotta hear 'em out.
53
00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:35,572
{\an8}[announcer] It's The Kelly Clarkson Show.
54
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:37,115
{\an8}She's got a show now?
55
00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,242
{\an8}Yes, and she's actually very funny
56
00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:41,494
{\an8}if you're a woman who claps
when the plane lands.
57
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:42,579
{\an8}Give me that thing.
58
00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:45,415
{\an8}Aren't there any daytime TV shows
hosted by men?
59
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:47,000
{\an8}Peter, are you kidding me?
60
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,419
{\an8}Conversations between men are boring.
61
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,588
{\an8}I've heard what you and the guys
talk about.
62
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:54,174
{\an8}Me and the guys would be great
at hosting one of these shows.
63
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,050
{\an8}We talk about interesting stuff
all the time.
64
00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:57,844
{\an8}Just this past weekend,
we were talking about
65
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,847
{\an8}how a lot of people don't know
which one is Chip and which one is Dale.
66
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,307
{\an8}Well, it's actually very simple.
67
00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,934
{\an8}Chip's nose is black,
and Dale's nose is red.
68
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:07,854
And if you need help remembering,
you say "chocolate chip."
69
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:10,857
The Chipmunks were easier because
they had big letters on their shirts.
70
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,192
But that's Tuesday's show.
71
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,276
Oh, please.
72
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:16,279
All men run out of things to say
to each other after 20 minutes.
73
00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:18,364
Oh, yeah?
Well, if guys are so bad at talking,
74
00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:20,325
how come Regis Philbin is still yapping?
75
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,952
[Regis]
So, Joy hands me a box and I open it,
76
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:25,788
and it's the same darn sweater
from last Christmas!
77
00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:26,873
Can you believe that?
78
00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:29,042
Coming up, Angel's David Boreanaz.
79
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,544
Look at Kathie Lee. She's fanning herself!
80
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,260
Whoa, Meg. What happened to you?
81
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:42,513
Yo, I straight up thought
that was Post Malone for a hot second.
82
00:03:42,513 --> 00:03:45,016
I just had the worst day of my life!
83
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:47,602
{\an8}Now, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna bake cookies from scratch
84
00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:49,479
{\an8}and eat them until I puke.
85
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:53,066
Meg, I think what you're going through
are typical teenage emotions.
86
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,485
Trust me. Everything will change
when you go to college.
87
00:03:55,485 --> 00:04:00,615
Speaking of, guess who got a letter
from the University of Rhode Island today.
88
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:01,699
{\an8}Wait, what?
89
00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:04,452
And it came in a big envelope.
90
00:04:04,452 --> 00:04:06,496
You know what that means.
91
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,206
Finally, some good news.
92
00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:11,251
{\an8}"From the Office of Admissions
at the University of Rhode Island"--
93
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,211
{\an8}Wow, so official.
94
00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,172
{\an8}"Hey, sorry.
We ran out of small envelopes.
95
00:04:16,172 --> 00:04:17,340
{\an8}You didn't get in."
96
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:23,721
{\an8}Meg, I'm so sorry.
97
00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:25,348
{\an8}I just have to accept it.
98
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:27,433
{\an8}I'll never be happy.
99
00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:37,068
A talk show for men? That's a great idea.
100
00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:38,319
Yeah, imagine getting paid
101
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,989
to talk about stuff
we already talk about around this table.
102
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,783
Hey, that could be the title,
Bar Table Talk.
103
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,953
Oh, guys. Check it out.
Tom Tucker is wasted at the bar again.
104
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,538
Put on Channel Six.
105
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:51,666
I w-- I wanna see what Doppler
those dinks are working with.
106
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:54,419
A 3000? Ha!
107
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:57,297
What, are they telling us
the weather in 2004?
108
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,132
Hey, fellas. I'll be right back.
109
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,801
Boy, it's fun to fantasize
about having a talk show.
110
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:03,803
But sadly, that's all it's gonna be
111
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:07,974
'cause ain't nobody putting four guys
with zero experience on TV.
112
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,058
Yeah, you're right.
113
00:05:09,058 --> 00:05:11,227
Start thinking
of warm to hot topics, fellas.
114
00:05:11,227 --> 00:05:12,312
What are you talking about?
115
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,439
I just spoke to Tom Tucker.
116
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:16,232
A few months ago, I did him a big favor,
117
00:05:16,232 --> 00:05:19,694
and he said if there's anything
he could ever do for me, just ask.
118
00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:22,196
So I just asked and he said yes.
119
00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:25,033
Gentlemen, say hello to the hosts
120
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,368
of your new Channel Five
daytime talk show.
121
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,953
Oh, my God, that's amazing!
122
00:05:28,953 --> 00:05:30,163
This is awesome!
123
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,623
Wait, Joe, what was the favor
you did for Tom Tucker?
124
00:05:32,623 --> 00:05:35,084
I mustache-sat for him over the holidays.
125
00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:40,715
We said Rise of Gru and then bed.
That was the deal we made.
126
00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:42,508
[mustache chirps]
127
00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:46,095
I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
I'm having a hard time too.
128
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:53,144
Hey, what the heck are you guys doing?
Those are my cookies!
129
00:05:53,144 --> 00:05:56,939
Meg, these are literally the best cookies
I've ever had in my life.
130
00:05:56,939 --> 00:05:58,649
Yeah, they're incredible.
131
00:05:58,649 --> 00:05:59,984
Did you switch up the recipe?
132
00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:01,361
No, I don't think so.
133
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,904
So good, Meg.
134
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:05,031
I'd have another,
but I gotta see Dean later.
135
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,867
Dean's my trainer.
Guy kicks my frickin' ass.
136
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,411
You must have done something different.
These are fantastic.
137
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:12,121
[Meg] Hmm.
138
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,750
I think my tears falling into the batter
139
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,835
must have made
these cookies taste different.
140
00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:20,588
Not different, delicious. [crunches]
141
00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:23,925
Last week, Dean was saying
I'm the most ripped guy he trains.
142
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:25,510
Off the record, of course.
143
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,720
Meg, I think this could be
the start of a business.
144
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,889
People would pay a premium
for cookies this good.
145
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:33,476
Really? Uh, a business is a lot of work.
146
00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:37,230
Unless maybe you guys wanna help out?
147
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,856
- I'd be happy to.
- I'll do it.
148
00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:41,651
So Monday, Wednesday,
and Fridays are Dean days.
149
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:42,944
Other than that, I'm down.
150
00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:44,362
I'm in ketosis, by the way.
151
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,072
This is exciting, you guys!
152
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,741
We just have to find a way
to get the word out about these cookies.
153
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:50,701
I don't think we'll have to worry
about that.
154
00:06:50,701 --> 00:06:53,121
I just got an e-mail back
from the one show
155
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:56,332
that'll put our product
in front of the entire country.
156
00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:58,584
Long Hallway Shark Tank.
157
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:02,088
[announcer]
First up, Meg Griffin and family
158
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,298
with a new twist on a popular snack.
159
00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,415
Hello, Sharks. I'm here to--
160
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:48,009
We have so many new cookie orders.
161
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,803
Which means we've got
a lot of baking to do. Let's get going.
162
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,430
Sorry. If I'm in a busy kitchen,
163
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,224
I'm gonna have to scream at someone
Gordon Ramsay-style.
164
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,811
A raw egg? You're gonna kill someone.
165
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,605
Twenty years of being in the business,
166
00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:03,232
and you're the biggest buffoon
I've ever met.
167
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:04,484
Now, let's step outside,
168
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,069
where I'll speak to you
in an entirely different tone.
169
00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:09,238
What's going on with you? Tell me.
170
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:10,823
I don't-- I don't know.
171
00:08:10,823 --> 00:08:14,744
You're overwhelmed trying to live up
to your father's expectations, aren't you?
172
00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:16,370
Yeah, I guess.
173
00:08:16,370 --> 00:08:19,332
Listen, your father, Nikos,
was a proud Greek man
174
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:22,418
who came to this country
with nothing but a baklava and a dream.
175
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,795
But he's gone now,
and you have to accept that.
176
00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:28,299
Now, those people in there need a leader,
not a friend. Understood?
177
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,468
Yes. Thank you, Chef Ramsay.
178
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:34,347
I have tremendous respect for you
and what you do for people's businesses.
179
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:37,266
Good. Now, just don't Yelp
any places from the show
180
00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:39,852
or eat at any of my restaurants
in Las Vegas.
181
00:08:43,439 --> 00:08:44,732
[phone buzzes]
182
00:08:44,732 --> 00:08:48,819
Oh, from Peter.
"Turn on Channel Five right now."
183
00:08:50,112 --> 00:08:53,032
[Peter] Welcome to the first episode
of Bar Table Talk.
184
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:56,786
Finally, a show for men, by men, football.
185
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,621
Ugh, you've got to be kidding me.
186
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:02,542
Now, check out our theme song
called "Guys Just Wanna Have Fun."
187
00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,335
Which is just each of us yelling "Guys"
188
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:07,213
over the parts where they sing "Girls"
in "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."
189
00:09:07,213 --> 00:09:10,550
♪ When the workin' day is done ♪
190
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,134
- ♪ Oh... ♪
- ♪ Guys ♪
191
00:09:12,134 --> 00:09:14,637
♪ They wanna have fun ♪
192
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,846
- ♪ Oh... ♪
- ♪ Guys ♪
193
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:18,307
- ♪ ...just wanna have... ♪
- ♪ Guys ♪
194
00:09:18,307 --> 00:09:22,228
♪ They want
Wanna have fun ♪
195
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:24,146
- ♪ Girls ♪
- [delayed] ♪ Guys ♪
196
00:09:24,146 --> 00:09:25,147
[Peter] Damn it, Joe.
197
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:29,151
[Joe] This is why I wanted to use
"The Boys Are Back in Town," but no.
198
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,322
Welcome back.
199
00:09:33,322 --> 00:09:37,159
Now it's time for "The Clenched Buttocks
Urinal Fart of the Day,"
200
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:40,621
sent in by Gene Kozlowski
at Imperial Tool and Die
201
00:09:40,621 --> 00:09:41,998
in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
202
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:43,165
Let her rip, Gene.
203
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:47,461
- [Gene farting]
- [zipper closes]
204
00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:48,754
- [sighs]
- [toilet flushes]
205
00:09:48,754 --> 00:09:53,259
You just know that one had the power
of a state-fair sausage behind it.
206
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,343
Impressive stuff.
207
00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,929
Coming up, all the people
from your wife's work
208
00:09:56,929 --> 00:10:00,349
she claims are horrible who--
surprise-- aren't.
209
00:10:00,349 --> 00:10:03,853
Ugh, disgusting.
I can't believe that's my husband.
210
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:07,106
Although I shouldn't be surprised
after what happened on our wedding night.
211
00:10:07,106 --> 00:10:08,399
[moans]
212
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,693
Peter, are you ready?
213
00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:13,195
Sorry, I already masturbated.
214
00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:16,032
There was a seashell on top of the toilet
that looked like a boob.
215
00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:23,497
{\an8}Okay. Lunch is over.
We got more cookie orders to take care of.
216
00:10:23,497 --> 00:10:26,917
{\an8}All right. Let's get our sister crying.
217
00:10:26,917 --> 00:10:29,170
["Crying" playing]
218
00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:33,633
{\an8}♪ I was all right for a while ♪
219
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:38,262
{\an8}♪ I could smile for a while ♪
220
00:10:39,555 --> 00:10:41,724
{\an8}♪ Then I saw you last night ♪
221
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:44,435
{\an8}♪ You held my hand so tight ♪
222
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:48,564
♪ As you stopped to say "Hello" ♪
223
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:54,153
{\an8}♪ Oh, you wished me well
You couldn't tell ♪
224
00:10:55,529 --> 00:11:01,327
♪ That I'd been crying over you ♪
225
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:06,624
♪ Crying over you ♪
226
00:11:07,124 --> 00:11:09,418
♪ Crying... ♪
227
00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:11,420
[birds chirping]
228
00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:15,675
[Peter] And that's why the Eagles are
the best yard work band of all time.
229
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:20,179
[Joe] I'm sorry. Are we in a world where
the Steve Miller Band was never born?
230
00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,390
Oh, this show gets dumber by the second.
231
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:25,685
- [doorbell rings]
- Just come in. Who even cares anymore?
232
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,145
Oh, hi, Daddy. What are you doing here?
233
00:11:28,145 --> 00:11:29,313
Oh, I stopped by to--
234
00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:31,315
Oh, no way. I love this show.
235
00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:32,775
Oh, is Meg around?
236
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,652
- She's in the kitchen.
- Excellent.
237
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,529
Well, aren't you gonna ask how I'm doing?
238
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:41,075
Lois, I can see one, two, three ant traps.
I know how you're doing.
239
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:42,159
Oh, four.
240
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:48,541
{\an8}- Oh, hey, Carter.
- What are you doing here, Grandpa?
241
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:52,545
{\an8}Word has gotten around about your cookies,
and I have a business opportunity for you.
242
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,256
{\an8}I'm throwing a party
for my billionaire friends on Friday,
243
00:11:55,256 --> 00:11:56,507
{\an8}and I'd like you to cater it.
244
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,843
{\an8}Oh, my God. We'd love to.
245
00:11:58,843 --> 00:12:03,764
{\an8}Uh, Meg, maybe let a graduate of the
Howard Schultz MasterClass handle this.
246
00:12:03,764 --> 00:12:06,142
{\an8}- I'm prepared to offer you 10,000...
- We'll do it.
247
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:09,395
{\an8}...pennies. 10,000 pennies or $100.
248
00:12:09,395 --> 00:12:11,230
Oh, dude. You blew it.
249
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:14,316
{\an8}Just kidding. I'm super rich.
I'll pay you 50 grand.
250
00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:17,611
{\an8}Holy crap! $50,000!
251
00:12:17,611 --> 00:12:20,698
{\an8}I'll need 500 bags of cookies.
All right. See you Friday.
252
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,784
{\an8}Ugh, I really don't wanna have to talk
to your mother again.
253
00:12:23,784 --> 00:12:25,578
{\an8}Guess I'll just "AirPods" it out.
254
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:30,207
{\an8}- [footsteps departing]
- [Lois] Bye, Daddy. I said, "Bye," Daddy.
255
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:31,917
{\an8}[door opens, closes]
256
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,797
You guys, I just want to thank you
257
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:39,133
for helping make
my cookies such a success.
258
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:40,760
It really means a lot to me.
259
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,803
And for the first time in my life,
260
00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:46,807
I'm finally feeling proud of myself
and hopeful about my future.
261
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:50,102
I think-- I think I'm actually happy.
262
00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:52,396
Aw, that's great to hear, Meg.
263
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,606
We're proud of you too.
264
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,233
Now we got cookies to make.
Give us those tears.
265
00:12:57,860 --> 00:12:58,986
[inhales, grunts]
266
00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:08,329
Oh, I know. Meg, when you were a baby,
you were left at a fire station,
267
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:12,082
and those firemen
left you at another fire station.
268
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,836
The only reason you had a date
for homecoming
269
00:13:15,836 --> 00:13:18,631
was because the guy got
community service hours for it.
270
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,093
Oh, no. I can't cry.
271
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:25,179
And-- And when I hear
about my crappy old life,
272
00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:28,015
I just feel proud and happy
about where I am now.
273
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:30,476
Uh-oh. No tears means no cookies.
274
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,354
Which also means no cookie business.
275
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,606
Hi. I'm Jamie Lee Curtis,
276
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:39,235
and I heard someone here was having
a problem with feminine dryness.
277
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:41,028
Oh, I-- I think I'm all set.
278
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:45,950
Have you tried Sliquid Feminine Wash?
The natural solution to feminine dryness?
279
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:50,496
Oh, no. No. I-- I think
we have different problems, dawg.
280
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:51,747
I'd hear her out.
281
00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:55,793
Sliquid is the one feminine wash
that goes on dry and doesn't drip.
282
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:59,463
Chris, are you selling intimacy products
with Jamie Lee Curtis?
283
00:13:59,463 --> 00:14:02,591
Well, Stewie,
I'd say Sliquid sells itself.
284
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,677
[Chris, Jamie Lee laugh]
285
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,388
It goes on dry?
286
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:15,563
Meg, I don't want to alarm you,
but if you can't cry,
287
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:18,607
we won't get the $50,000 from Carter
for catering his party.
288
00:14:18,607 --> 00:14:20,150
I know. I'm sorry.
289
00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:24,071
It's just that since the cookie business
became successful, I'm not sad anymore.
290
00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:27,992
Well, there goes my dream of becoming
the next Otis Spunkmeyer.
291
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:30,494
Your dream is to be Otis Spunkmeyer?
292
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:35,249
I love a company that works a dirty word
for a bodily fluid into their name.
293
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:37,626
Chris. That is absolutely disgusting.
294
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:42,256
Hey, the way I see it, in this life,
you gotta laugh.
295
00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:49,889
God, he said "you gotta laugh" so many
times it started to feel like a threat.
296
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,473
Why did we come to this again?
297
00:14:51,473 --> 00:14:53,684
Remember that kid I hit
with my mail truck?
298
00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:56,020
- That was the kid?
- That was the kid.
299
00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:02,234
Ladies, I'm at the end of my rope
with this damn show.
300
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:04,361
Peter's become impossible to live with.
301
00:15:04,361 --> 00:15:06,655
Yeah. Cleveland thinks he's fancy too.
302
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:10,701
You know, he's demanding Pert Plus now
instead of regular old Pert.
303
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:12,620
Joe's also gotten a big head lately.
304
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,330
When he eats Graham Crackers now,
305
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,583
he totally ignores
the suggested perforations.
306
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,460
He's like a mad king.
307
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,211
We've got to shut this show down.
308
00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:22,755
Oh, I don't know.
309
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:26,884
Lois, have you heard what Peter said
on yesterday's show?
310
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:30,429
[Peter] And so I say, men,
we deserve a second drawer.
311
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,223
It should be four to two, not five to one!
312
00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:34,308
[gasps]
313
00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:39,688
Ladies, it's time to put an end
to their little show.
314
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:48,155
Now, remember, when they start talking
about how awful women are,
315
00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:52,159
we storm the stage, call them out on it,
and then we'll go viral,
316
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,827
and the show will be canceled.
317
00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:56,747
Welcome to Bar Table Talk.
318
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,248
Fellas, what's on your mind today?
319
00:15:58,248 --> 00:16:01,794
Is it me or does it seem like no one knows
how to coil a garden hose anymore?
320
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,840
Remember sports guys you liked?
321
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:07,967
- Oh, yeah.
- Totally.
322
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,134
I like those guys.
323
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,765
Um, you know what? Let's take a break.
324
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:15,933
We'll be right back.
325
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:19,144
- Oh, my God, it's happening.
- What's happening?
326
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:21,146
Ugh, what are we doing?
327
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,231
I started this
328
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:25,150
'cause there were no daytime talk shows
with men, and Lois said
329
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:28,362
that's because men eventually run out
of things to say to each other.
330
00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:30,239
Well, looks like she was right.
331
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:35,160
I don't wanna be right.
332
00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,705
Lois? What are you all doing here?
333
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:40,290
We came down to get this show canceled.
334
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:44,169
Between the embarrassing content and
you becoming so full of yourself at home,
335
00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,963
well, I thought it was the only option.
336
00:16:45,963 --> 00:16:48,340
But when I heard you admit you were wrong,
337
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:51,468
I remembered why I married you
in the first place.
338
00:16:51,468 --> 00:16:54,304
Because I proposed
in an offensive Chinese accent,
339
00:16:54,304 --> 00:16:56,390
and you just wanted to
get out of the restaurant?
340
00:16:56,390 --> 00:16:59,518
No, Peter.
Because beneath all your craziness,
341
00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:02,438
I know there's just a sweet,
confused child.
342
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:04,565
- Can I get a lizard?
- No, Peter.
343
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:05,649
But you said.
344
00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:07,359
[sighs] Fine, you can get a lizard.
345
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,319
I love you, Mom Lois.
346
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,113
I love you too, Peter.
347
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:13,157
Can you watch my lizard? I'm bored of it.
348
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:20,497
You really think seeing a therapist is
the best way to get me to cry?
349
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:22,958
Absolutely.
And this guy is the best in town.
350
00:17:22,958 --> 00:17:25,544
- [door opens]
- See you next week, John.
351
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:26,670
Looking forward to it.
352
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:30,799
Man, there's nothing to do for that guy,
but he's got insurance.
353
00:17:30,799 --> 00:17:32,885
Okay. Who's Meg Griffin?
354
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:39,099
So, I'm Dr. Matthews,
but you can call me Brad.
355
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:41,727
My Delta Chi brothers used to
call me Crusher.
356
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,187
So that's fair game too.
357
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:44,688
Wow, this guy rocks.
358
00:17:44,688 --> 00:17:48,358
Before we start, it's important to know
I only accept crypto.
359
00:17:48,358 --> 00:17:51,195
So, Bitcoin, Dogecoin or Ethereum.
360
00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:56,033
Oh, actually, wait. Not Ethereum.
Wait, wait, no. I don't-- I don't anymore.
361
00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:59,161
Wait. Yes. Yes. Yes, I do.
But you have to send it, like, right now.
362
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:00,579
- [phone beeps]
- Did you send it?
363
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:03,916
- I did.
- No, why did you do that? [groans]
364
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:08,462
"Forget real estate. Invest in money
you can't even see," they said.
365
00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:11,965
Okay. [inhales]
I guess let's talk about you.
366
00:18:11,965 --> 00:18:15,469
Well, earlier this week,
I cried into some cookie dough,
367
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:18,722
and my tears actually made the cookies
taste incredible.
368
00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:22,059
So, we started a successful
cookie business using my tears,
369
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:24,645
but now I'm too happy to cry anymore.
370
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,064
But no tears means no money.
371
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:31,193
Meg, have you considered the reason you're
happy isn't because of the business?
372
00:18:31,693 --> 00:18:35,239
That maybe it's because
you finally got to spend quality time
373
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,241
bonding with the family members you love.
374
00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:40,744
Oh, snap. My man Crusher dropping
knowledge bombs.
375
00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:46,083
Guys, is the money really worth the sister
you love feeling badly about herself?
376
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,255
- No.
- It's not.
377
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:55,134
The new Thom Browne line is out next week.
So, maybe?
378
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,220
Wow. I can't believe
you'd choose my happiness
379
00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:00,180
over all that money, you guys.
380
00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:01,765
That really means a lot.
381
00:19:01,765 --> 00:19:03,976
We just want you to be happy, Meg.
382
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,311
Chris is right. We love you.
383
00:19:06,311 --> 00:19:08,605
Aw, I love you guys.
384
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,987
Hey, where's that diploma from?
385
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,530
Oh, that's not a diploma.
386
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,866
That's a certificate for finishing
the Big Bertha
387
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:21,243
at Leo's Bar and Grill in Cincinnati.
388
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:24,079
Got a T-shirt too,
but it's at the dry cleaners.
389
00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:28,959
Wow. Dry cleaning a T-shirt,
bragging about a regional food challenge?
390
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,294
That's the dream.
391
00:19:34,214 --> 00:19:37,342
Honey, it's me.
They fell for the whole Crusher routine.
392
00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:42,848
Oh, and their little cookie business?
Let's just say I took care of it.
393
00:19:48,645 --> 00:20:02,326
[cackling]
394
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,494
{\an8}[indistinct chatter on radio]
395
00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:07,331
What happened last night?
396
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:11,210
Oh, nothing. Just-- Just hit a home run
in my softball game.
397
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,295
No, I mean-- I mean the building.
398
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,839
Huh? Oh. Huge gas leak.
399
00:20:15,839 --> 00:20:17,758
Won the game. Everybody's dead.
400
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:26,350
Sorry I got carried away
with my daytime talk show, Lois.
401
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:28,393
Oh, Peter. I'm just glad you're home
402
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:31,146
and still wearing television makeup
for some reason.
403
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:33,357
I don't know what you're talking about.
404
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:35,943
Hey, sorry your cookie business
didn't work out, Meg.
405
00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:37,903
Yeah, I guess it would have been
pretty sweet
406
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,571
to have a successful cookie business.
407
00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:40,864
But it's fine.
408
00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:42,658
You know, Meg, the way I see it,
409
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,077
life's too darn short.
410
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:50,123
Boy, that was brutal.
411
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:51,959
Yeah. What a big waste of time.
412
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:54,628
I know. It's like,
life really is too darn short.
413
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:56,255
Huh.
414
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,631
Maybe it was good.
415
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,591
Screw it. I'm getting a shirt.