1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 2 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928 ♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪ 3 00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389 ♪ On which we used to rely ♪ 4 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 5 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪ 6 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 7 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 8 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 9 00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:39,456 {\an8}There you are, Peter. Help me hang the stockings. 10 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:42,042 {\an8}Not now, Lois. It's time for my favorite holiday movie, 11 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,460 {\an8}Frosty the Snowman, 12 00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,879 {\an8}where a hero takes a little girl into the woods, 13 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,965 {\an8}and then brags that he can disappear whenever he wants. 14 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,303 {\an8}Huh. I can't see the TV. 15 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,806 I must be dreaming, which means nothing's real. 16 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,686 No, Peter, stop! You're not dreaming! 17 00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:03,813 Yeah, and why was that your first move? 18 00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:06,107 {\an8}The TV's gone. We're cutting the cord. 19 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,485 {\an8}We need money for Christmas gifts, so I sold it. 20 00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:09,569 {\an8}What? 21 00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:12,447 {\an8}This rageful anger calls for alcohol! 22 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,784 {\an8}- Where's Brian? - Peter, stop it. 23 00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:17,702 {\an8}What am I supposed to do without a TV? 24 00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:18,787 Hang out at the Gap? 25 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,539 Could you please point me to your blandest shirt? 26 00:01:21,539 --> 00:01:25,502 One that I'm guaranteed to see four other guys wearing before I even get to my car. 27 00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:28,338 Sure. It's right over there. Just be careful while you're browsing 28 00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:30,965 that you don't lose track of which white guy is you. 29 00:01:31,966 --> 00:01:33,718 Oh, that looks good on me. 30 00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:36,596 The Gap. The only clothing store named for a taint. 31 00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:39,265 Located between Vera Wang and the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. 32 00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:43,478 {\an8}Look, I know this seems like a big change, but we don't need a television anymore. 33 00:01:43,478 --> 00:01:46,481 {\an8}Yeah, Dad. A single TV console is outdated. 34 00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:49,150 {\an8}Everyone just streams now on their individual devices. 35 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:52,779 {\an8}Who is this person who speaks to me as if I needed his advice? 36 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,740 {\an8}Dad, I'm just trying to bring you into the modern era. 37 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:56,866 I see. 38 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,622 - Quiet up there! - Sorry. 39 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:06,417 Just demonstrating I'm still relevant by making a very old movie reference. 40 00:02:06,417 --> 00:02:08,211 {\an8}Peter, Meg was right. 41 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:11,131 {\an8}We don't need a TV in the golden age of streaming. 42 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,549 {\an8}"Golden age of streaming"? 43 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,634 {\an8}Hey, look, my streams are sporadic at best. 44 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,177 {\an8}And last week there was blood. 45 00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:19,430 {\an8}Can we have one holiday where we don't discuss Dad's rod? 46 00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:21,891 {\an8}Besides, all my shows are on network television. 47 00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:24,978 {\an8}How the hell am I supposed to watch Chicago Fire without a TV? 48 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:29,649 {\an8}Who cares? It's a lazy formulaic show, and it's not even filmed in Chicago. 49 00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:32,402 {\an8}Yeah, right. Tell that to the boys putting out a blaze this week 50 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,279 {\an8}in the famed Chicago Hills. 51 00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:36,698 {\an8}It almost burned down the Chicagowood sign. 52 00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:37,866 {\an8}Peter, stop it. 53 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:40,869 {\an8}God, you're going in circles like a desert vulture. 54 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:43,413 Hey, maybe we shouldn't always fly in a circle. 55 00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:46,124 Sure. And maybe I can also have rough sex with your mother. 56 00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:50,044 - Whoa, come on. - Well, that's how I feel about your idea. 57 00:02:53,464 --> 00:02:56,134 {\an8}We now return to Frosty the Snowman. 58 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:59,262 {\an8}There was indeed some magic in that old silk hat. 59 00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:03,391 {\an8}Along with duct tape, zip ties and some very troubling Polaroids. 60 00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:06,811 {\an8}See, this is the kind of wholesome stuff I'll miss without a TV. 61 00:03:06,811 --> 00:03:09,731 {\an8}Well, Lois is right, Peter. Network television stinks. 62 00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,399 {\an8}Streaming is way more entertaining. 63 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:13,693 {\an8}Yeah? Name one good show on streaming. 64 00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:14,903 {\an8}Mare of Easttown! 65 00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,362 {\an8}- Fargo! - True Detective. 66 00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:18,114 {\an8}- American Rust! - Broadchurch. 67 00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:21,075 That isn't about a person attempting to navigate life 68 00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:23,369 in a small town in the aftermath of a murder. 69 00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:26,748 Look, come on, just-- just give streaming a chance. 70 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:29,709 Don't you wanna watch something where if you miss even a second, 71 00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:31,294 you're hopelessly confused? 72 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:35,548 Yeah. Or a great premise, which puts a lot of balls in the air, 73 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:38,801 followed by a horribly disappointing ending that drops all of them? 74 00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:41,304 And on HBO Max, sometimes after the credits, 75 00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,723 you can watch the actors talk about the show. 76 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,809 Yeah. I don't just wanna see Connie Britton do a good job. 77 00:03:46,809 --> 00:03:50,438 I wanna see Connie Britton talking about the good job she just did. 78 00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,190 You know what I'm not hearing, guys? 79 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,902 Cedric the Entertainer telling a white guy that he doesn't walk the right way. 80 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:59,364 Hmm. I may have to side with Peter now. 81 00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,075 And you also haven't told me about a single show with Sheldon. 82 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,953 For every program, I wanna know, is there a Sheldon? 83 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,788 And at what stage of life is he? 84 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:09,582 He is the perfect dumb guy's version of a smart guy! 85 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,584 And I demand him on my television! 86 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:15,296 All right. I think I see how to untangle this knot. 87 00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:17,632 - Last Tango in Halifax. - What? 88 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:18,967 You've never heard of Tango? 89 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:22,553 Well, Anne Reid and Derek Jacobi play Celia and Alan, 90 00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:26,724 a couple reunited in their 70s after 60 years apart. 91 00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:30,728 Sarah Lancashire plays Celia's formidable daughter, Caroline. And Nic-- 92 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:36,651 Look, guys. I-- I don't like gritty, convoluted television. 93 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:39,946 I like the simple, comforting joy of network TV. 94 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,657 Peter, the point of TV isn't joy anymore. 95 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:44,659 It's to destroy you emotionally. 96 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,369 Who the hell wants to watch something happy 97 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,538 when you can watch Koreans fight to the death? 98 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,622 Well, I disagree. 99 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,708 And I'm not letting Lois get away with this. 100 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,126 'Cause I miss my shows. 101 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,752 Like the comedy of black-ish, 102 00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:58,423 or those classic New York conversations at the beginning of Law & Order. 103 00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:01,050 Hey, you see that Aaron Judge baseball hit last night? 104 00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:04,053 Sure did. Right here in one of our five boroughs. 105 00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:08,016 Oh, no! I bet you a slice of New York pizza pie he's dead. 106 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:16,149 I can't believe you buy milk and bras at the same place. 107 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,442 God, we're trash. 108 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,902 - What? Where's the fridge? - I sold it. 109 00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:23,031 You get rid of the things I love, I get rid of the things you love. 110 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:26,117 I also sold that tiny Jewish hat you keep in the bathroom. 111 00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,869 That was my diaphragm! 112 00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:30,580 Ugh. Well, Mort's gonna have a rough day at temple. 113 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,582 Look, just give streaming a shot. 114 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:36,127 After all, it can't be any worse than when we went to the Florida Panhandle. 115 00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,587 Mmm. 116 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:39,589 Ugh, this shrimp is delicious. 117 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,176 Oh, God. My wife's choking. 118 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,677 Is there a doctor in the house? 119 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,180 College graduate? 120 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,473 High school graduate? 121 00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:51,768 Some high school with vocational degree? 122 00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:55,521 Whoever gets the shrimp out of her windpipe can have it! 123 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,030 Well, I guess it's time to try this streaming thing. 124 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,907 Hey, what's our Netflix password? 125 00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:07,617 Uh, I don't know. I use Quagmire's. 126 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,119 "Squirrel Hunter"? 127 00:06:10,119 --> 00:06:12,830 "The Truth About Kicking Your Leg During Sleep"? 128 00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:15,833 "Only the Otis Scenes of Milo and Otis"? 129 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:18,586 And "Thirsty Romanian Coeds." All right! 130 00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:19,962 We do have some overlap. 131 00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:22,507 Okay. I guess I'll click "forgot password." 132 00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:25,843 Now, it's asking me to pick all the stoplights in a picture. 133 00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:28,262 Ah. A stoplight in front of a movie theater 134 00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:30,306 with a marquee reading "Spotlight." 135 00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:31,599 This might be a trick. 136 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,811 All right. "What is the first concert you attended?" 137 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:38,272 Smash Mouth, the time they got bread thrown at them. 138 00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,565 "Favorite pet?" 139 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,485 Wait. You're not gonna write Bartholomew, are you? 140 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:44,070 No, no, no. I would never do that. 141 00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,114 ♪ Bartholomew Bartholomew ♪ 142 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:49,450 ♪ I'm dancing with my favorite dog Bartholomew ♪ 143 00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:53,162 Kevin James? 144 00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:55,790 Hi, Peter. You were my last viewer. 145 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:59,127 And now that you've gotten rid of network TV, I'm out of a job. 146 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,586 Well, you're a sitcom dad, 147 00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:02,922 so if the couch accepts you, you can come in. 148 00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:09,762 Road couch. 149 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:18,104 Wow. Kevin James, I can't believe you're here. 150 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,690 Hey, guys, we got company. No nude wandering. 151 00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:23,901 Well, so much for Full Frontal Fridays. 152 00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,903 Wait, triple F is a no-go? 153 00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:30,283 Look, I'm here because now that I don't have any viewers or a job, 154 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,368 I need you to take care of me. 155 00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:33,911 What, is that some kind of rule? 156 00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:35,037 Of course it is, Lois. 157 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:38,624 In network TV, if someone shows up at your door, you have to take care of 'em. 158 00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:40,168 It's the pilot of most shows. 159 00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:42,170 Oh, really? Name 50. 160 00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:44,589 New Girl, Two and a Half Men, Punky Brewster, 161 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,091 Perfect Strangers, Frasier, Will & Grace, 162 00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:51,012 Friends, Joey, Home Economics, Mom, Dads, Cheers, 163 00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:55,016 Hope & Faith, Raising Hope, Full House, Fuller House, King of Queens-- 164 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,684 That's good. I-I think we get it. 165 00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:59,645 Oh, no, no, no. This is a "name all 50" kinda show. 166 00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:03,357 Too Close for Comfort, Mork & Mindy, The Nanny, Mr. Belvedere, 167 00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,485 The United States of Al, Yes, Dear, 168 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,987 Down and Out in Beverly Hills, the TV series. 169 00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:12,116 Rhoda, Golden Girls, ALF, Meego, Empty Nest, Wings, 170 00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:15,161 My Two Dads, Evening Shade, I Dream of Jeannie, 171 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:19,248 Off Center, Webster, The Bernie Mac Show, The Return of Jezebel James, 172 00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:23,920 Aliens in America, Last Man on Earth, Union Square, Bram and Alice, The Grinder, 173 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,589 Bleep My Dad Says, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, 174 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:29,050 Damon, Happy Endings, Big Brother Jake, 175 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,677 Three's Company, Mama's Family, and Who's the Boss? 176 00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:33,930 Oh, yeah? Name 50 more. 177 00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:38,643 Silver Spoons, The Odd Couple, The New Odd Couple, 178 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,061 Diff'rent Strokes, and-- 179 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,647 Oh, my God. She hung herself. 180 00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:45,358 Nah, no, that's from Airplane. We do that kind of stuff too. 181 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,567 You can stay. 182 00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:52,156 Family, meet Kevin. 183 00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:56,327 Wow. I guess black dress shirts aren't just for magicians. 184 00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:59,705 Peter, you can't just invite him to stay here. 185 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,707 Come on, Lois. When you got rid of the TV, 186 00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:05,002 did you really think it wouldn't end with me bunking with Kevin James? 187 00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:07,630 So, Kevin, what's Mandy Patinkin like? 188 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,549 Ah, I don't know. Never met him. 189 00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,260 I thought you said this guy was a [bleep] star. 190 00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:15,304 Hey, Brian. When are you going to try to impress our Hollywood guest 191 00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:16,722 with your writerly chops? 192 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,559 Oh, your mouth's moving. You're already rehearsing it. 193 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,562 So, Kevin, the Hollywood game can be pretty tough, huh? 194 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,647 Do you have Hollywood experience? 195 00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,524 Well, actually-- 196 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:27,608 He sure does. 197 00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:30,611 We went out there once, and on day one, Brian bit a Culkin. 198 00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:32,446 Tried to pet him without showing his hand first, 199 00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:33,698 and boom, fingers gone. 200 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:36,325 I need to see the hand. It's how I know he's not an aggressor. 201 00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:39,745 Kevin, I don't understand. How can you be out of work? 202 00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,665 You're not just a television actor, you're a movie star. 203 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,001 Movie star? Come on. 204 00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:49,463 I mean, I guess Paul Blart did make 200 million on a shoestring budget. 205 00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:53,509 I was the single most bankable comedy actor of the last two decades. 206 00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:57,013 And the audience score on Grown Ups was very respectable. 207 00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:59,682 Yeah. The last one doesn't seem to measure up with the first two. 208 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:03,436 Yeah. But everything I had was because people knew me from network TV. 209 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,895 And now that's over. 210 00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:07,148 So, Peter, what are we gonna do after dinner? 211 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,983 Get a large bowl of popcorn 212 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,986 and watch the big game in our sports uniforms? 213 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,070 Yeah. Kevin, uh, 214 00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,948 I think you've only watched sporting events on TV shows. 215 00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:19,493 Nobody calls it "the big game" or makes a large bowl of popcorn. 216 00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:22,747 But then what's gonna fly all over the place when we get excited? 217 00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,749 Okay. All right, all right. That's fair. 218 00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:28,336 All right. Look, Kevin can stay for dinner, but then he has to leave. 219 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:31,297 But he doesn't have anywhere else to go. And this whole thing is our fault. 220 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,715 Come on. Look at him. 221 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,635 He's got no idea what life outside of sitcoms is like. 222 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,596 I'll tell you what, I'll show him how to be a real, real guy 223 00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:41,932 and not just a sitcom real guy, and then he'll be on his way. 224 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,270 Ugh, fine. I guess I can't kick someone out on Christmas. 225 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,189 But where is he gonna sleep? 226 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,024 Don't worry. I got that all figured out. 227 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,859 You won't even notice he's there. 228 00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:59,116 In network TV, what someone says won't happen, 229 00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:00,451 that's what's gonna happen. 230 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:11,420 Hey, where's Kevin? I thought we were gonna show him how regular guys drink. 231 00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:12,838 We are. But he's still adjusting, 232 00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:15,758 and he won't enter a room until his warm-up guy works the crowd. 233 00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,885 - So, where you folks from? - Quahog. 234 00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,013 Oh, Quahog. I'll talk a little slower. 235 00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,223 Ah. You got me. 236 00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:25,267 I'm just kidding. And, hey, thank you for your service. 237 00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,811 Oh, I was never in the military. 238 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,397 I was talking to the booth holding you up. 239 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,525 Oh, damn it. He got me again. Oh, this guy is too quick. 240 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,652 All right, everyone. Kevin's gonna be out in a moment. 241 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,571 So, remember, he feeds off your energy. 242 00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:40,157 So the better you are, the better Kevin's gonna be. 243 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,952 Hi, guys. Great to see you tonight. 244 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,455 Wait, he couldn't just think of that? 245 00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:49,458 And doesn't Peter Griffin look handsome? 246 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,544 {\an8}I took the cue cards. 247 00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,922 I grabbed him from behind too hard, and now he's not moving. 248 00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,762 Hey, Kevin, was that lady always pressuring you to join Scientology? 249 00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:03,431 No, I'm a devout Catholic, 250 00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:04,807 and that's even weirder. 251 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,393 Did you know that when unbaptized babies die, 252 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:11,147 they go into limbo until the Pope said that wasn't a thing anymore? 253 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:14,066 Yeah. My grandpa went to hell for eating meat on Fridays. 254 00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:17,570 Worth it. 255 00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:23,826 Well, Kevin, it's time to teach you how real blue-collar guys 256 00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,745 pay real bills in real life. 257 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:29,081 See this? It's a mortgage bill, and this is how it gets paid. 258 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,709 Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's Peter. 259 00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:33,961 - Please pay my mortgage. - Damn it, Griffin. 260 00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:36,297 I'm crying, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I'm crying. 261 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,132 I know you're crying. Act like a man. 262 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:39,800 I can't. I'm not a man. 263 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:40,885 And if you don't pay it, 264 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,053 I'm gonna hurt myself and your grandchildren. 265 00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:44,180 Stop threatening me. 266 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:47,099 It's not a threat if I do it. It's not a threat if I do it. 267 00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,226 - Okay. Okay. I'll pay it. - Thank you. 268 00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:52,313 All right, now to show you how to pay a utility bill. 269 00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:55,065 Hello. 270 00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:57,693 Kevin, it's Peter. I really messed up, man. 271 00:13:02,239 --> 00:13:06,410 Good news. I got my first real job as an actual UPS guy. 272 00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:09,663 They said I was the last non-robot they're ever gonna hire. 273 00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:12,958 That's great, buddy. You narrowly escaped becoming a Realtor. 274 00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:16,253 {\an8}Hi, are you the Realtor for this property? 275 00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:19,632 {\an8}I am. I blew out my shoulder playing minor league baseball, 276 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,467 {\an8}so now I do this. 277 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,053 {\an8}Realtors, never anyone's plan A. 278 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:28,349 And I also started dating a woman who looks like she actually belongs with me. 279 00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:31,727 She has the most negative dating app page I've ever seen. 280 00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,979 Wants to know "where all the good men are. 281 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,231 Integrity only. 282 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:38,442 I will not cosign a loan." With the "not" underlined. 283 00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:42,321 And a picture of her dog that says, "The only man who's never lied to me." 284 00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:43,447 Oh, this is great. 285 00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:46,659 Yeah, I think I'm a real, real guy now, Peter. 286 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,743 You sure are. 287 00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:50,621 You see, Kev? Nothing's gonna stop you in the real world 288 00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,249 except for your own cardiovascular system. 289 00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,416 Hey, I'm only heavy, 290 00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:57,837 'cause Adam Sandler made me gain 60 pounds to be in his movies. 291 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,130 I was Ethel to his Lucy. 292 00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:02,591 Anyway, I owe you, Peter. Put it there. 293 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,929 What happened to your hand? 294 00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:10,933 I, uh, I don't know. It's-- It's disappearing. 295 00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,227 Were you also bit by Brian? 296 00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:15,604 That's the Culkin. 297 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:25,489 Let me guess. One of you chuckleheads has a nutcracker inside you. 298 00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:26,574 What? No. 299 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:30,077 Hi. We're nonjudgmental interns just here to observe. 300 00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:31,412 False alarm. Not what I thought. 301 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,872 Aw. 302 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,331 Whenever interns observe, 303 00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:36,166 it's 'cause we think you put something in there. 304 00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:38,794 Listen, Doctor, I need you to help my friend Kevin. 305 00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:41,130 Oh, my God. Kevin James. 306 00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,840 You know, you owe your career to me. 307 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,676 I'm the doctor who couldn't save John Candy. 308 00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,011 Doctor, my hand. 309 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,930 It's disappearing, and I don't know what to do. 310 00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:53,350 Kevin, your arm. It's getting worse. 311 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,312 Mmm. I think I see what's going on here. 312 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:59,899 Kevin is fading away because streaming has made him irrelevant. 313 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,609 Well, is there anything we can do for him? 314 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:05,905 Yes. Sitcom stars like Kevin clearly need the laughs of a studio audience, 315 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,531 or he may disappear forever. 316 00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:09,158 His hair was disappearing too, 317 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:11,410 but I assume he took care of that another way. 318 00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,120 Is there someone I can talk to? 319 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,539 Ah. There's our guy. Interns! 320 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:22,296 Guys, we gotta get Kevin back on TV. So, ideas. Go! 321 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:26,258 Kevin plays a large robot, and it's called Big Wonder. 322 00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,552 Not bad, not bad. Okay. What else? 323 00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:32,222 A show in which Kevin moves in with a woman named Betsy, 324 00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:35,309 and it's called Kevins to Betsy. 325 00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:39,146 Or he's the seventh in a long line of Kevins for Seventh Kevin. 326 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:42,107 Yeah. They don't all have to be puns built around the name Kevin. 327 00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:45,069 Guys, I think we were all laughing at Big Wonder. 328 00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:46,445 Yeah, we're not doing Big Wonder. 329 00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,530 Why? Because you didn't think of it? 330 00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:51,325 Chris, the brainstorming process is admittedly messy, 331 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:53,327 but let's try to stay away from personal attacks. 332 00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:54,662 I have an idea. 333 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:59,541 I'm a stepdad with six daughters, and it's called Daddy's Girls. 334 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,293 Yeah. I don't know. Not sure I see the hook. 335 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:04,546 And I trick them into washing my car in their bikinis 336 00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,340 while I hide in the back seat. 337 00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:09,426 Okay. Now, I love it. It's not just funny, it's smart. 338 00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:11,220 You know, I'm on GoDaddy, 339 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:14,264 and the domain name "Big Wonder" is available. 340 00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:15,557 Chris, stop pushing this. 341 00:16:15,557 --> 00:16:19,478 Oh, really? 'Cause if Kevin pitched it, you'd put your mouth on him. 342 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,939 All right. That's it. You're grounded for life! 343 00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:24,566 Which was also a fat-dad sitcom. 344 00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,652 Okay. All right. We've made up. 345 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:27,861 I've got an idea. 346 00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:30,698 Kevin is a baker, and he adopts 12 children. 347 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:31,991 The title writes itself. 348 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,244 Yeah. And the tagline is, "He's got muffin to lose." 349 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,162 Okay, wow. All right, this is too good for Kevin. 350 00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,622 We have to write this. Now. 351 00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:41,834 You know why he's a baker? 'Cause he kneads the dough. 352 00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:44,753 I love this poster-- I mean, show. 353 00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,841 Peter, my arm is almost gone now. 354 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,217 Oh, God. What are we gonna do? 355 00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:51,760 Okay, come on, everyone. 356 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,346 It's time to go to City Hall for the tree lighting. 357 00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:57,224 And Meg's in the nativity play as the Virgin Mary. 358 00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,768 Wait a minute, the nativity play. 359 00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:01,854 Kevin, I got an idea, 360 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,107 and it's my best idea since I put hockey ice in the kitchen. 361 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,192 Yay, waffles. 362 00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:10,821 Mine. Hockey house. 363 00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:17,161 Everyone, change of plans. 364 00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:20,873 This year, we're gonna do a twist on the usual story of the King of Kings 365 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,667 with the King of Queens, Kevin James. 366 00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,256 Peter, this isn't gonna work. 367 00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,509 Sure it will. The doctor said you need live-audience laughter. 368 00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:35,971 The conceit is, he's a single dad with a baby. 369 00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:39,391 The conception may be immaculate, but the diaper sure isn't. 370 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:40,809 Boo! 371 00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:43,729 - Get off the stage. - Network TV is stupid. 372 00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:46,065 Why did Jerry Stiller have such a big chest? 373 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:47,983 Peter! My leg. 374 00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:52,404 Come on, guys. Network TV isn't stupid. 375 00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:53,489 It's-- It's-- 376 00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:55,657 It's like the Bible. 377 00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:58,285 Sure, the plot doesn't make sense if you think about it, 378 00:17:58,285 --> 00:18:00,037 the characters are a little over the top. 379 00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:02,956 Both tell the same tired stories again and again. 380 00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:04,792 No one ever seems to learn their lesson, 381 00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:07,294 and neither ever offers an authentic female point of view-- 382 00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,046 Oh, if I can add to that-- 383 00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,297 Not now, Lois. I'm talking. 384 00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:14,009 But the point is, network TV-- It makes you feel good. 385 00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:18,806 And when the rest of life is so exhausting and hard, isn't that all that's important? 386 00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:20,599 Peter! My other leg. 387 00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:26,814 Yes. Kevin, keep going. 388 00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:28,524 That went well. 389 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,778 Well, there's the star of Bethlehem, 390 00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,823 which is one more star than I'm giving this inn on Yelp. 391 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,576 - That's so funny. - I use Yelp. 392 00:18:39,576 --> 00:18:42,454 Do you think Ben Stiller's chest will pop out like his dad's? 393 00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,039 I just wanna know what to expect. 394 00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,707 See? Isn't this fun? 395 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:48,460 Everyone laughing together at the same simple thing, 396 00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,754 instead of all of us on our individual devices, 397 00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:53,298 watching depressing, complicated bullcrap. 398 00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:56,760 We need Kevin James, and we need network TV. 399 00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:01,515 ♪ Joy to the world The Lord is come ♪ 400 00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:06,186 ♪ Let Earth receive her King... ♪ 401 00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,939 Peter, my limbs. They're coming back. 402 00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:11,108 And that's not all. Look! 403 00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,614 It's old sitcom stars. They're coming out of the cornfield. 404 00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:19,199 It's Jenna Elfman, 405 00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:21,034 Tony Danza, 406 00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:22,786 and, uh-- 407 00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,664 Traylor Howard from Two Guys and a Girl. 408 00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:28,041 Yeah, you're not a star. You shouldn't be in the cornfield. 409 00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:30,502 But I was also in the later seasons of Monk. 410 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:31,753 I see. 411 00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,592 Now your list of credits includes Castle. 412 00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:41,180 Hi, I'm Les Moonves Chen, and I'm hiding behind my wife's name now. 413 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,932 Kevin, I'm looking for my own television comeback, 414 00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:46,894 and enough power that I can sexually harass doctors again. 415 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,437 And I'm anyone else. 416 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:49,521 I'll go with you. 417 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,232 And to think I was about to kiss you. 418 00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,818 Kevin, let's go make a sitcom. 419 00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:58,363 I can't believe it, I'm gonna be on TV again. 420 00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,532 I'm going back to Hollywood. 421 00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,125 He's a Christmas miracle. 422 00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,419 Can I please have my TV back now? 423 00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:14,046 Yes, Peter. You can. 424 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,256 Yay. Kiss me, Lois. 425 00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,300 And think about our marriage while we're kissing. 426 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:24,056 ♪ Oh, Barkley, my Barkley The other dog we had ♪ 427 00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:33,023 And that's Baker's Dozen. We're hoping you say yes. 428 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,775 Or just roll with it. 429 00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:37,444 Great pitch, guys. 430 00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:40,572 This is exactly the kind of tagline-driven comedy we're looking for. 431 00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:41,657 Really? 432 00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:45,452 The only problem is, we've already committed to another project. 433 00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:46,745 Big Wonder. 434 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,789 - Thank you, gentlemen. - What? 435 00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:52,209 He owns the rights to the domain name. That's a big deal in our world. 436 00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:53,710 Fine. We don't need you. 437 00:20:53,710 --> 00:20:55,712 We'll take this down the hall to Scott Rudin. 438 00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:01,468 He threw a computer at me. He didn't even ask who I was.