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00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
2
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
6
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
8
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:39,456
{\an8}There you are, Peter.
Help me hang the stockings.
10
00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:42,042
{\an8}Not now, Lois.
It's time for my favorite holiday movie,
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00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,460
{\an8}Frosty the Snowman,
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00:00:43,460 --> 00:00:45,879
{\an8}where a hero takes a little girl
into the woods,
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00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,965
{\an8}and then brags
that he can disappear whenever he wants.
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00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,303
{\an8}Huh. I can't see the TV.
15
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,806
I must be dreaming,
which means nothing's real.
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00:00:57,348 --> 00:00:59,309
- [Brian struggling]
- [Peter grunting]
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00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,686
No, Peter, stop! You're not dreaming!
18
00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:03,813
Yeah, and why was that your first move?
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{\an8}The TV's gone. We're cutting the cord.
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00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,485
{\an8}We need money for Christmas gifts,
so I sold it.
21
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:09,569
{\an8}What?
22
00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:12,447
{\an8}This rageful anger calls for alcohol!
23
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,784
{\an8}- Where's Brian?
- Peter, stop it.
24
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{\an8}What am I supposed to do without a TV?
25
00:01:17,702 --> 00:01:18,787
Hang out at the Gap?
26
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Could you please point me
to your blandest shirt?
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One that I'm guaranteed to see four other
guys wearing before I even get to my car.
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Sure. It's right over there.
Just be careful while you're browsing
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that you don't lose track
of which white guy is you.
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Oh, that looks good on me.
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[announcer] The Gap.
The only clothing store named for a taint.
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00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:39,265
Located between Vera Wang
and the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.
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{\an8}Look, I know this seems like a big change,
but we don't need a television anymore.
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{\an8}Yeah, Dad.
A single TV console is outdated.
35
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{\an8}Everyone just streams now
on their individual devices.
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{\an8}Who is this person who speaks to me
as if I needed his advice?
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{\an8}Dad, I'm just trying to bring you
into the modern era.
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I see.
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00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,912
- [Meg screaming]
- [thuds]
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00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:02,622
- [neighbor] Quiet up there!
- Sorry.
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00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:06,417
Just demonstrating I'm still relevant
by making a very old movie reference.
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{\an8}Peter, Meg was right.
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{\an8}We don't need a TV
in the golden age of streaming.
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00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,549
{\an8}"Golden age of streaming"?
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00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,634
{\an8}Hey, look, my streams
are sporadic at best.
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{\an8}And last week there was blood.
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{\an8}Can we have one holiday
where we don't discuss Dad's rod?
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{\an8}Besides, all my shows
are on network television.
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00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:24,978
{\an8}How the hell am I supposed
to watch Chicago Fire without a TV?
50
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{\an8}Who cares? It's a lazy formulaic show,
and it's not even filmed in Chicago.
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00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:32,402
{\an8}Yeah, right. Tell that to the boys
putting out a blaze this week
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00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,279
{\an8}in the famed Chicago Hills.
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00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:36,698
{\an8}It almost burned down
the Chicagowood sign.
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{\an8}Peter, stop it.
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{\an8}God, you're going
in circles like a desert vulture.
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Hey, maybe we shouldn't always fly
in a circle.
57
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Sure. And maybe I can also
have rough sex with your mother.
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00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:50,044
- Whoa, come on.
- Well, that's how I feel about your idea.
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{\an8}[announcer] We now return to
Frosty the Snowman.
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{\an8}There was indeed some magic
in that old silk hat.
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00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:03,391
{\an8}Along with duct tape, zip ties
and some very troubling Polaroids.
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00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:06,811
{\an8}See, this is the kind of wholesome stuff
I'll miss without a TV.
63
00:03:06,811 --> 00:03:09,731
{\an8}Well, Lois is right, Peter.
Network television stinks.
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00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:11,399
{\an8}Streaming is way more entertaining.
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{\an8}Yeah? Name one good show on streaming.
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00:03:13,693 --> 00:03:14,903
{\an8}Mare of Easttown!
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00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,362
{\an8}- Fargo!
- True Detective.
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00:03:16,362 --> 00:03:18,114
{\an8}- American Rust!
- Broadchurch.
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That isn't about a person
attempting to navigate life
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00:03:21,075 --> 00:03:23,369
in a small town
in the aftermath of a murder.
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00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:26,748
Look, come on, just--
just give streaming a chance.
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Don't you wanna watch something
where if you miss even a second,
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you're hopelessly confused?
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00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:35,548
Yeah. Or a great premise,
which puts a lot of balls in the air,
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followed by a horribly disappointing
ending that drops all of them?
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00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:41,304
And on HBO Max,
sometimes after the credits,
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you can watch the actors
talk about the show.
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00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,809
Yeah. I don't just wanna see
Connie Britton do a good job.
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00:03:46,809 --> 00:03:50,438
I wanna see Connie Britton
talking about the good job she just did.
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00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,190
You know what I'm not hearing, guys?
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00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,902
Cedric the Entertainer telling a white guy
that he doesn't walk the right way.
82
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:59,364
Hmm. I may have to side with Peter now.
83
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,075
And you also haven't told me
about a single show with Sheldon.
84
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,953
For every program, I wanna know,
is there a Sheldon?
85
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,788
And at what stage of life is he?
86
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:09,582
He is the perfect dumb guy's version
of a smart guy!
87
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,584
And I demand him on my television!
88
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:15,296
All right. I think I see how
to untangle this knot.
89
00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:17,632
- Last Tango in Halifax.
- What?
90
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:18,967
You've never heard of Tango?
91
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:22,553
Well, Anne Reid and Derek Jacobi
play Celia and Alan,
92
00:04:22,553 --> 00:04:26,724
a couple reunited
in their 70s after 60 years apart.
93
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:30,728
Sarah Lancashire plays Celia's formidable
daughter, Caroline. And Nic--
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00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:32,647
- [screams]
- [thuds]
95
00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:36,651
Look, guys. I-- I don't like gritty,
convoluted television.
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00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:39,946
I like the simple,
comforting joy of network TV.
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00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,657
Peter, the point of TV isn't joy anymore.
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It's to destroy you emotionally.
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00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,369
Who the hell wants
to watch something happy
100
00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,538
when you can watch Koreans
fight to the death?
101
00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:49,622
Well, I disagree.
102
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,708
And I'm not letting Lois
get away with this.
103
00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:53,126
'Cause I miss my shows.
104
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,752
Like the comedy of black-ish,
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00:04:54,752 --> 00:04:58,423
or those classic New York conversations
at the beginning of Law & Order.
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00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:01,050
Hey, you see
that Aaron Judge baseball hit last night?
107
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:04,053
Sure did. Right here
in one of our five boroughs.
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00:05:04,637 --> 00:05:08,016
Oh, no! I bet you a slice
of New York pizza pie he's dead.
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00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:16,149
I can't believe you buy milk
and bras at the same place.
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God, we're trash.
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00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:19,902
- What? Where's the fridge?
- I sold it.
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00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:23,031
You get rid of the things I love,
I get rid of the things you love.
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00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:26,117
I also sold that tiny Jewish hat
you keep in the bathroom.
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00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,869
That was my diaphragm!
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00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:30,580
Ugh. Well, Mort's gonna have
a rough day at temple.
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00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,582
Look, just give streaming a shot.
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00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:36,127
After all, it can't be any worse than
when we went to the Florida Panhandle.
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00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,587
Mmm. [smacks lips]
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00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:39,589
Ugh, this shrimp is delicious.
120
00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:40,923
[laughs, choking]
121
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,176
Oh, God. My wife's choking.
122
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,677
Is there a doctor in the house?
123
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,180
- College graduate?
- [Lois gagging]
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00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,473
High school graduate?
125
00:05:49,515 --> 00:05:51,768
Some high school with vocational degree?
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00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:55,521
Whoever gets the shrimp out
of her windpipe can have it!
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00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:56,814
[people screaming]
128
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,030
Well, I guess it's time
to try this streaming thing.
129
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,907
Hey, what's our Netflix password?
130
00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:07,617
Uh, I don't know. I use Quagmire's.
131
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,119
"Squirrel Hunter"?
132
00:06:10,119 --> 00:06:12,830
"The Truth About
Kicking Your Leg During Sleep"?
133
00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:15,833
"Only the Otis Scenes of Milo and Otis"?
134
00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:18,586
And "Thirsty Romanian Coeds." All right!
135
00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:19,962
We do have some overlap.
136
00:06:19,962 --> 00:06:22,507
Okay. I guess I'll click
"forgot password."
137
00:06:23,007 --> 00:06:25,843
Now, it's asking me
to pick all the stoplights in a picture.
138
00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:28,262
Ah. A stoplight in front of
a movie theater
139
00:06:28,262 --> 00:06:30,306
with a marquee reading "Spotlight."
140
00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:31,599
This might be a trick.
141
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,811
All right.
"What is the first concert you attended?"
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00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:38,272
Smash Mouth, the time
they got bread thrown at them.
143
00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:39,565
"Favorite pet?"
144
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,485
Wait. You're not gonna write
Bartholomew, are you?
145
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:44,070
No, no, no. I would never do that.
146
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,114
♪ Bartholomew
Bartholomew ♪
147
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:49,450
♪ I'm dancing with my favorite dog
Bartholomew ♪
148
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:50,576
[knocks on door]
149
00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:53,162
Kevin James?
150
00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:55,790
Hi, Peter. You were my last viewer.
[chuckles]
151
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:59,127
And now that you've gotten rid
of network TV, I'm out of a job.
152
00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,586
Well, you're a sitcom dad,
153
00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:02,922
so if the couch accepts you,
you can come in.
154
00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:08,469
- [screams]
- [Peter giggles]
155
00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:09,762
Road couch.
156
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:18,104
Wow. Kevin James,
I can't believe you're here.
157
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,690
Hey, guys, we got company.
No nude wandering.
158
00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:23,901
Well, so much for Full Frontal Fridays.
159
00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,903
Wait, triple F is a no-go?
160
00:07:25,903 --> 00:07:30,283
Look, I'm here because now
that I don't have any viewers or a job,
161
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,368
I need you to take care of me.
162
00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:33,911
What, is that some kind of rule?
163
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:35,037
Of course it is, Lois.
164
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:38,624
In network TV, if someone shows up at
your door, you have to take care of 'em.
165
00:07:38,624 --> 00:07:40,168
It's the pilot of most shows.
166
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:42,170
Oh, really? Name 50.
167
00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:44,589
New Girl, Two and a Half Men,
Punky Brewster,
168
00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:47,091
Perfect Strangers, Frasier, Will & Grace,
169
00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:51,012
Friends, Joey, Home Economics,
Mom, Dads, Cheers,
170
00:07:51,012 --> 00:07:55,016
Hope & Faith, Raising Hope,
Full House, Fuller House, King of Queens--
171
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,684
That's good. I-I think we get it.
172
00:07:56,684 --> 00:07:59,645
Oh, no, no, no.
This is a "name all 50" kinda show.
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00:07:59,645 --> 00:08:03,357
Too Close for Comfort,
Mork & Mindy, The Nanny, Mr. Belvedere,
174
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:05,485
The United States of Al, Yes, Dear,
175
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:07,987
Down and Out in Beverly Hills,
the TV series.
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00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:12,116
Rhoda, Golden Girls, ALF,
Meego, Empty Nest, Wings,
177
00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:15,161
My Two Dads, Evening Shade,
I Dream of Jeannie,
178
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:19,248
Off Center, Webster, The Bernie Mac Show,
The Return of Jezebel James,
179
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:23,920
Aliens in America, Last Man on Earth,
Union Square, Bram and Alice, The Grinder,
180
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,589
Bleep My Dad Says,
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,
181
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:29,050
Damon, Happy Endings, Big Brother Jake,
182
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,677
Three's Company, Mama's Family,
and Who's the Boss?
183
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:33,930
Oh, yeah? Name 50 more.
184
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,598
[sighs]
185
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:38,643
Silver Spoons,
The Odd Couple, The New Odd Couple,
186
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,061
Diff'rent Strokes, and--
187
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,647
Oh, my God. She hung herself.
188
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:45,358
Nah, no, that's from Airplane.
We do that kind of stuff too.
189
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,567
You can stay.
190
00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:52,156
Family, meet Kevin.
191
00:08:52,823 --> 00:08:56,327
Wow. I guess black dress shirts
aren't just for magicians.
192
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:59,705
Peter, you can't just invite him
to stay here.
193
00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:01,707
Come on, Lois. When you got rid of the TV,
194
00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:05,002
did you really think it wouldn't end
with me bunking with Kevin James?
195
00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:07,630
So, Kevin, what's Mandy Patinkin like?
196
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,549
Ah, I don't know. Never met him.
197
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:12,260
I thought you said
this guy was a [bleep] star.
198
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:15,304
Hey, Brian. When are you going to try
to impress our Hollywood guest
199
00:09:15,304 --> 00:09:16,722
with your writerly chops?
200
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,559
Oh, your mouth's moving.
You're already rehearsing it.
201
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:22,562
So, Kevin, the Hollywood game
can be pretty tough, huh?
202
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,647
Do you have Hollywood experience?
203
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,524
[laughing] Well, actually--
204
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:27,608
He sure does.
205
00:09:27,608 --> 00:09:30,611
We went out there once, and on day one,
Brian bit a Culkin.
206
00:09:30,611 --> 00:09:32,446
Tried to pet him
without showing his hand first,
207
00:09:32,446 --> 00:09:33,698
and boom, fingers gone.
208
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:36,325
I need to see the hand.
It's how I know he's not an aggressor.
209
00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:39,745
Kevin, I don't understand.
How can you be out of work?
210
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:42,665
You're not just a television actor,
you're a movie star.
211
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,001
Movie star? Come on.
212
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:49,463
I mean, I guess Paul Blart did make
200 million on a shoestring budget.
213
00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:53,509
I was the single most bankable
comedy actor of the last two decades.
214
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:57,013
And the audience score
on Grown Ups was very respectable.
215
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:59,682
Yeah. The last one doesn't seem
to measure up with the first two.
216
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:03,436
Yeah. But everything I had was
because people knew me from network TV.
217
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,895
And now that's over.
218
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:07,148
So, Peter,
what are we gonna do after dinner?
219
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,983
Get a large bowl of popcorn
220
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,986
and watch the big game
in our sports uniforms?
221
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,070
Yeah. Kevin, uh,
222
00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,948
I think you've only
watched sporting events on TV shows.
223
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:19,493
Nobody calls it "the big game"
or makes a large bowl of popcorn.
224
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:22,747
But then what's gonna fly
all over the place when we get excited?
225
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,749
[giggles] Okay.
All right, all right. That's fair.
226
00:10:24,749 --> 00:10:28,336
All right. Look, Kevin can stay
for dinner, but then he has to leave.
227
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:31,297
But he doesn't have anywhere else to go.
And this whole thing is our fault.
228
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,715
Come on. Look at him.
229
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,635
He's got no idea
what life outside of sitcoms is like.
230
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,596
I'll tell you what,
I'll show him how to be a real, real guy
231
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:41,932
and not just a sitcom real guy,
and then he'll be on his way.
232
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:46,270
Ugh, fine. I guess
I can't kick someone out on Christmas.
233
00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,189
But where is he gonna sleep?
234
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:50,024
Don't worry. I got that all figured out.
235
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,859
You won't even notice he's there.
236
00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,028
- [James snoring]
- [audience laughing]
237
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:59,116
In network TV,
what someone says won't happen,
238
00:10:59,116 --> 00:11:00,451
that's what's gonna happen.
239
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:01,786
[laughing continues]
240
00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:11,420
Hey, where's Kevin? I thought we were
gonna show him how regular guys drink.
241
00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:12,838
We are. But he's still adjusting,
242
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:15,758
and he won't enter a room
until his warm-up guy works the crowd.
243
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:17,885
- So, where you folks from?
- Quahog.
244
00:11:17,885 --> 00:11:21,013
Oh, Quahog. [chuckles]
I'll talk a little slower.
245
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,223
Ah. You got me.
246
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:25,267
I'm just kidding.
And, hey, thank you for your service.
247
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,811
Oh, I was never in the military.
248
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,397
I was talking to the booth holding you up.
249
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,525
Oh, damn it. He got me again.
Oh, this guy is too quick.
250
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,652
All right, everyone.
Kevin's gonna be out in a moment.
251
00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:37,571
So, remember, he feeds off your energy.
252
00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:40,157
So the better you are,
the better Kevin's gonna be.
253
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,952
Hi, guys. Great to see you tonight.
254
00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,455
Wait, he couldn't just think of that?
255
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:49,458
And doesn't Peter Griffin look handsome?
256
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:51,544
{\an8}I took the cue cards.
257
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,922
I grabbed him from behind too hard,
and now he's not moving.
258
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,762
Hey, Kevin, was that lady always
pressuring you to join Scientology?
259
00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:03,431
No, I'm a devout Catholic,
260
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:04,807
and that's even weirder.
261
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,393
Did you know
that when unbaptized babies die,
262
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:11,147
they go into limbo until the Pope
said that wasn't a thing anymore?
263
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:14,066
Yeah. My grandpa went to hell
for eating meat on Fridays.
264
00:12:16,402 --> 00:12:17,570
Worth it.
265
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:23,826
Well, Kevin, it's time to teach you
how real blue-collar guys
266
00:12:23,826 --> 00:12:25,745
pay real bills in real life.
267
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:29,081
See this? It's a mortgage bill,
and this is how it gets paid.
268
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,709
Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's Peter.
269
00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:33,961
- Please pay my mortgage.
- [Carter] Damn it, Griffin.
270
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:36,297
I'm crying, Mr. Pewterschmidt. I'm crying.
271
00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:38,132
I know you're crying. Act like a man.
272
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:39,800
I can't. I'm not a man.
273
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:40,885
And if you don't pay it,
274
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,053
I'm gonna hurt myself
and your grandchildren.
275
00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:44,180
Stop threatening me.
276
00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:47,099
It's not a threat if I do it.
It's not a threat if I do it.
277
00:12:47,099 --> 00:12:49,226
- Okay. Okay. I'll pay it.
- Thank you.
278
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:52,313
All right, now to show you
how to pay a utility bill.
279
00:12:52,313 --> 00:12:53,397
[phone rings]
280
00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:55,065
Hello.
281
00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:57,693
Kevin, it's Peter.
I really messed up, man.
282
00:13:02,239 --> 00:13:06,410
Good news. I got my first real job
as an actual UPS guy.
283
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:09,663
They said I was the last non-robot
they're ever gonna hire.
284
00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:12,958
That's great, buddy.
You narrowly escaped becoming a Realtor.
285
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:16,253
{\an8}Hi, are you the Realtor for this property?
286
00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:19,632
{\an8}I am. I blew out my shoulder
playing minor league baseball,
287
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,467
{\an8}so now I do this.
288
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,053
{\an8}[announcer]
Realtors, never anyone's plan A.
289
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:28,349
And I also started dating a woman who
looks like she actually belongs with me.
290
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:31,727
She has the most negative dating app page
I've ever seen.
291
00:13:31,727 --> 00:13:33,979
Wants to know "where all the good men are.
292
00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:35,231
Integrity only.
293
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:38,442
I will not cosign a loan."
With the "not" underlined.
294
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:42,321
And a picture of her dog that says,
"The only man who's never lied to me."
295
00:13:42,321 --> 00:13:43,447
Oh, this is great.
296
00:13:43,447 --> 00:13:46,659
Yeah, I think I'm a real,
real guy now, Peter.
297
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,743
You sure are.
298
00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:50,621
You see, Kev?
Nothing's gonna stop you in the real world
299
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,249
except for your own cardiovascular system.
300
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,416
Hey, I'm only heavy,
301
00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:57,837
'cause Adam Sandler made me
gain 60 pounds to be in his movies.
302
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,130
I was Ethel to his Lucy. [chuckles]
303
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:02,591
Anyway, I owe you, Peter. Put it there.
304
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,929
[screams] What happened to your hand?
305
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:10,933
I, uh, I don't know.
It's-- It's disappearing.
306
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,227
Were you also bit by Brian?
307
00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:15,604
That's the Culkin.
308
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:25,489
Let me guess. One of you chuckleheads
has a nutcracker inside you.
309
00:14:25,489 --> 00:14:26,574
What? No.
310
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:30,077
Hi. We're nonjudgmental interns
just here to observe.
311
00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:31,412
False alarm. Not what I thought.
312
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,872
[interns] Aw.
313
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,331
Whenever interns observe,
314
00:14:34,331 --> 00:14:36,166
it's 'cause we think
you put something in there.
315
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:38,794
Listen, Doctor,
I need you to help my friend Kevin.
316
00:14:38,794 --> 00:14:41,130
Oh, my God. Kevin James.
317
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,840
You know, you owe your career to me.
318
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,676
I'm the doctor
who couldn't save John Candy.
319
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,011
Doctor, my hand.
320
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,930
[stammers] It's disappearing,
and I don't know what to do.
321
00:14:51,348 --> 00:14:53,350
Kevin, your arm. It's getting worse.
322
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,312
Mmm. I think I see what's going on here.
323
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:59,899
Kevin is fading away
because streaming has made him irrelevant.
324
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,609
Well, is there anything we can do for him?
325
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:05,905
Yes. Sitcom stars like Kevin clearly need
the laughs of a studio audience,
326
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,531
or he may disappear forever.
327
00:15:07,531 --> 00:15:09,158
His hair was disappearing too,
328
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:11,410
but I assume he took care
of that another way.
329
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,120
Is there someone I can talk to?
330
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,539
Ah. There's our guy. Interns!
331
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:22,296
Guys, we gotta get Kevin back on TV.
So, ideas. Go!
332
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:26,258
Kevin plays a large robot,
and it's called Big Wonder.
333
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,552
[giggles] Not bad, not bad.
Okay. What else?
334
00:15:28,552 --> 00:15:32,222
A show in which Kevin moves in
with a woman named Betsy,
335
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:35,309
and it's called Kevins to Betsy.
336
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:39,146
Or he's the seventh in a long line
of Kevins for Seventh Kevin.
337
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:42,107
Yeah. They don't all have to be puns
built around the name Kevin.
338
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:45,069
Guys, I think we were all laughing
at Big Wonder.
339
00:15:45,069 --> 00:15:46,445
Yeah, we're not doing Big Wonder.
340
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,530
Why? Because you didn't think of it?
341
00:15:48,530 --> 00:15:51,325
Chris, the brainstorming process
is admittedly messy,
342
00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:53,327
but let's try to stay away
from personal attacks.
343
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:54,662
I have an idea.
344
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:59,541
I'm a stepdad with six daughters,
and it's called Daddy's Girls.
345
00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,293
Yeah. I don't know.
Not sure I see the hook.
346
00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:04,546
And I trick them into washing my car
in their bikinis
347
00:16:04,546 --> 00:16:06,340
while I hide in the back seat.
348
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:09,426
Okay. Now, I love it.
It's not just funny, it's smart.
349
00:16:09,426 --> 00:16:11,220
You know, I'm on GoDaddy,
350
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:14,264
and the domain name
"Big Wonder" is available.
351
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:15,557
Chris, stop pushing this.
352
00:16:15,557 --> 00:16:19,478
Oh, really? 'Cause if Kevin pitched it,
you'd put your mouth on him.
353
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,939
All right. That's it.
You're grounded for life!
354
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:24,566
Which was also a fat-dad sitcom.
355
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:26,652
[giggling] Okay. All right. We've made up.
356
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:27,861
I've got an idea.
357
00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:30,698
Kevin is a baker,
and he adopts 12 children.
358
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:31,991
The title writes itself.
359
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:35,244
Yeah. And the tagline is,
"He's got muffin to lose."
360
00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,162
Okay, wow. All right,
this is too good for Kevin.
361
00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:38,622
We have to write this. Now.
362
00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:41,834
You know why he's a baker?
'Cause he kneads the dough.
363
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:44,753
I love this poster-- I mean, show.
364
00:16:46,380 --> 00:16:48,841
Peter, my arm is almost gone now.
365
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,217
Oh, God. What are we gonna do?
366
00:16:50,217 --> 00:16:51,760
Okay, come on, everyone.
367
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:54,346
It's time to go to City Hall
for the tree lighting.
368
00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:57,224
And Meg's in the nativity play
as the Virgin Mary.
369
00:16:57,224 --> 00:16:59,768
Wait a minute, the nativity play.
370
00:16:59,768 --> 00:17:01,854
Kevin, I got an idea,
371
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:05,107
and it's my best idea
since I put hockey ice in the kitchen.
372
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,192
Yay, waffles.
373
00:17:08,944 --> 00:17:10,821
Mine. Hockey house.
374
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:17,161
Everyone, change of plans.
375
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:20,873
This year, we're gonna do a twist
on the usual story of the King of Kings
376
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,667
with the King of Queens, Kevin James.
377
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,256
Peter, this isn't gonna work.
378
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:32,509
Sure it will. The doctor said
you need live-audience laughter.
379
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:35,971
The conceit is, he's a single dad
with a baby. [giggles]
380
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:39,391
The conception may be immaculate,
but the diaper sure isn't.
381
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:40,809
Boo!
382
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:43,729
- Get off the stage.
- Network TV is stupid.
383
00:17:43,729 --> 00:17:46,065
Why did Jerry Stiller
have such a big chest?
384
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:47,983
Peter! My leg.
385
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:52,404
Come on, guys. Network TV isn't stupid.
386
00:17:52,404 --> 00:17:53,489
It's-- It's--
387
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:55,657
It's like the Bible.
388
00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:58,285
Sure, the plot doesn't make sense
if you think about it,
389
00:17:58,285 --> 00:18:00,037
the characters are a little over the top.
390
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:02,956
Both tell the same tired stories
again and again.
391
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:04,792
No one ever seems to learn their lesson,
392
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:07,294
and neither ever offers
an authentic female point of view--
393
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,046
Oh, if I can add to that--
394
00:18:09,046 --> 00:18:10,297
Not now, Lois. I'm talking.
395
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:14,009
But the point is, network TV--
It makes you feel good.
396
00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:18,806
And when the rest of life is so exhausting
and hard, isn't that all that's important?
397
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:20,599
Peter! My other leg.
398
00:18:25,395 --> 00:18:26,814
Yes. Kevin, keep going.
399
00:18:27,397 --> 00:18:28,524
That went well.
400
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,778
Well, there's the star of Bethlehem,
401
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,823
which is one more star
than I'm giving this inn on Yelp.
402
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,576
- That's so funny.
- I use Yelp.
403
00:18:39,576 --> 00:18:42,454
Do you think Ben Stiller's chest
will pop out like his dad's?
404
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:44,039
I just wanna know what to expect.
405
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,707
See? Isn't this fun?
406
00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:48,460
Everyone laughing together
at the same simple thing,
407
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,754
instead of all of us
on our individual devices,
408
00:18:50,754 --> 00:18:53,298
watching depressing, complicated bullcrap.
409
00:18:53,298 --> 00:18:56,760
We need Kevin James,
and we need network TV.
410
00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:01,515
♪ Joy to the world
The Lord is come ♪
411
00:19:01,515 --> 00:19:06,186
♪ Let Earth receive her King... ♪
412
00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,939
Peter, my limbs. They're coming back.
413
00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:11,108
And that's not all. Look!
414
00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,614
It's old sitcom stars.
They're coming out of the cornfield.
415
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:19,199
It's Jenna Elfman,
416
00:19:20,033 --> 00:19:21,034
Tony Danza,
417
00:19:21,785 --> 00:19:22,786
and, uh--
418
00:19:22,786 --> 00:19:25,664
Traylor Howard from Two Guys and a Girl.
419
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:28,041
Yeah, you're not a star.
You shouldn't be in the cornfield.
420
00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:30,502
But I was also
in the later seasons of Monk.
421
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:31,753
I see.
422
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:34,131
- [Traylor screams]
- [thuds]
423
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,592
Now your list of credits includes Castle.
424
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:41,180
Hi, I'm Les Moonves Chen,
and I'm hiding behind my wife's name now.
425
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,932
Kevin, I'm looking
for my own television comeback,
426
00:19:43,932 --> 00:19:46,894
and enough power
that I can sexually harass doctors again.
427
00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:48,437
And I'm anyone else.
428
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:49,521
I'll go with you.
429
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,232
And to think I was about to kiss you.
430
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,818
Kevin, let's go make a sitcom.
431
00:19:54,818 --> 00:19:58,363
I can't believe it,
I'm gonna be on TV again.
432
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,532
I'm going back to Hollywood.
433
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:03,619
[all gasp]
434
00:20:07,372 --> 00:20:10,125
[gasps] He's a Christmas miracle.
435
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,419
Can I please have my TV back now?
436
00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:14,046
Yes, Peter. You can.
437
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,256
Yay. Kiss me, Lois.
438
00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,300
And think about our marriage
while we're kissing.
439
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:24,056
♪ Oh, Barkley, my Barkley
The other dog we had ♪
440
00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:33,023
And that's Baker's Dozen.
We're hoping you say yes.
441
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,775
Or just roll with it.
442
00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:37,444
Great pitch, guys.
443
00:20:37,444 --> 00:20:40,572
This is exactly the kind of tagline-driven
comedy we're looking for.
444
00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:41,657
Really?
445
00:20:41,657 --> 00:20:45,452
The only problem is, we've already
committed to another project.
446
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:46,745
Big Wonder.
447
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,789
- Thank you, gentlemen.
- What?
448
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:52,209
He owns the rights to the domain name.
That's a big deal in our world.
449
00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:53,710
Fine. We don't need you.
450
00:20:53,710 --> 00:20:55,712
We'll take this
down the hall to Scott Rudin.
451
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,339
[thuds]
452
00:20:58,507 --> 00:21:01,468
He threw a computer at me.
He didn't even ask who I was.