♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's a family guy ♪
Good morning, family.
Now, as you all know, since four minutes ago,
when I heard it on the radio,
it has been my lifelong dream to compete in the St. Philip's Greasy Pole Contest,
where shirtless men try to climb across a greasy pole.
Come on, Chris. Let's go.
Now, hold on, Peter.
You promised you'd run errands with me today.
You can't just bail 'cause you heard of some fun new thing.
Lois, we both know I'm going to the whatever-I-just-said thing.
Meg will fill in for me.
- Fine. - All right.
Now, if you're gonna be filling in for me, you need to complete the online course.
Congratulations on being picked to fill in for me while I have a horse-around day.
Now, let's talk dos and don'ts around the workplace.
Okay, let's see what you've learned.
Describe the difference between a tunic and a shawl in as much detail as possible.
Congratulations on being picked...
Every year, there's some hotshot who thinks they don't gotta watch the video.
Oh, no. I left my phone in the car.
Oh, weird. I forgot mine too.
Should I run back and grab them?
- Ah, we don't need 'em. - No, we do not.
I, for one, welcome the lost art of conversation,
of which we are both ninjas, my friend.
Absolutely.
So, how you doing, man?
All good. All good in the hood.
Anything new? What's new?
Same old, same old.
- Life good? Family good? - Yep.
Living the dream. D-R-E-A-M. No complaints.
Zero complaints.
Dylan, right? Your son? He good?
Most def.
Breaking news!
I can't believe this.
I have a Samsung, so my alert hasn't come in yet.
It's nice not being glued to our phones like these sheeple, huh?
There it is! Oh, my God.
Slaves to the screen.
Are we almost done?
Yeah, I need to find Stewie's rash cream.
But if you're not having fun,
go get a squeeze from the blood pressure machine.
That always perks me up.
Meg, oh, my God. It's crazy here!
Dad fell off the pole and landed on his head and one of his eyes popped out.
We picked it up and jammed it back in, but the pupil was on the other side.
I'm okay. Just got a little headache.
Also, Dad gave me a hard lemonade.
He's pretty out of it.
Total shocker, Chris and Dad are having a very fun day.
They're not the only ones, huh?
Oh, I also need to return this loofah. I mean, who was I kidding?
I'm a "Dial bar smeared right on the skin" gal.
Of course. Let me show you to the returns section.
The Prestige.
Well, I guess Janet forgave Robert for Jamaica.
- What are you talking about? - The wedding's back on.
And Janet officially has no backbone.
What are you doing?
Um, eating a sandwich?
Brian Griffin, I ordered ramen for us.
We planned this last night.
We did? I don't-- I don't remember.
You were too drunk to remember?
I've been dying to try this place, and you said we could do it together.
Stewie, it's not--
Uh, ramen for Stewie and Brian?
Apparently, it's just for Stewie.
Everything okay?
No, it's not!
Stewie, what the hell was that?
What happened to us?
I thought we were best friends.
We have nothing to say at brunch,
we don't listen to each other, we forget plans we made.
By the way, the "we" in all this is you.
Don't be dramatic, Stewie.
- We're fine. - No, we're not.
Best friends talk about stuff.
I-I don't-- What do you want me to do?
If you're really asking, I saw a therapist on the Today show
talking about the emergence of friendship therapy.
I think it could help us.
Nope.
- Fine. - Oh, Brian, this is great.
It'll give us the fresh start we need, like when Tom Brady moved to Tampa Bay.
All right! Now I get to cheat in shorts!
I'm Peyton Manning, and I approve this message.
So, yeah.
This is how I reload my purse with mom stuff.
It's very important to always be prepared.
Didn't ask.
Travel-size lotion, hand sanitizer, Tic Tac, so I can skip brushing my teeth.
Dawg, you still gotta brush!
And mom hack 68: buy the two-dollar plastic rain bonnet.
They're made at the same factory that makes the nine-dollar ones.
Don't ask me how I know.
Oh. Meg, don't look for a sec.
Okay, it's safe.
Our treat for an epic errands day.
Amazing.
Big surprise. I didn't win.
Didn't win what?
Oh, my God, Meg! I won!
You're kidding!
Mom, this is amazing.
Ah! I know. I can't believe it.
It's even more exciting than the creation of Broccolini.
What is this new plant?
Let me ask you a question.
- Do you like broccoli? - Not really.
Well, I think I just figured out a way to make it harder to eat.
I can't believe you won ten grand.
I know!
I wonder how soon I can get that house water filtration system installed.
A couple weeks? A month?
What is wrong with you?
W-What do you mean?
You win a boatload of money,
and your first thought is a water filtration system?
God, how do you not blow your brains out?
Oh, these systems are very cool.
No, they're not! They're boring.
Everything you do is boring.
That's why we all want to hang out with Dad.
Imagine what he'd do with ten grand.
Something super stupid and selfish and awesome, that's what!
Dad's not the only fun one, you know.
Uh-huh.
Oh, you don't believe me? Okay, okay.
Well, what if-- what if we use the money for something fun?
- For just us? - Like what?
Like going on a top secret mother-daughter trip.
Really? Mom, that would be amazing.
Great! Now, let's keep this same energy
while we take a quick detour for my mammogram.
Whoo-hoo! Girls' trip!
How's it looking in there?
Well, it's probably nothing?
Oh. Girls' trip.
Final call for Vacation Airlines flight to Vacation Destination.
I can't believe we're going on a secret trip.
This is so cool.
What did you tell Dad?
Oh, pfft. He won't even know we're gone.
I got him his favorite babysitter.
Lois says we're allowed to stay up past 9:00.
The note says 9:00.
Not if it's special.
A-And we're allowed to watch Beetlejuice.
The note specifically says no Beetlejuice.
I'm allowed to watch Coco, and it's basically the same thing.
I'm Doctor Wagner. Please take a seat.
This is a test, right?
You're free to sit anywhere you like.
Yeah? This right?
There's no right or wrong.
Aha! You lost. You sat too quick.
Are you uncomfortable that Brian had the confidence to choose a seat?
Yes. Brian, 1. Stewie, 0.
Actually, Brian, this isn't a contest.
- Yes. 1-1. - Stewie, please sit.
I may just stand.
Oh, indecisive. 2-1.
Doc's going pen-to-pad,
and you gotta think Stewie just evened up the score.
It does look like we have an ocean-view suite available
for an extra $500,
if you are interested.
You know what? Yes, we'll take it.
The Snapple Babes are living it up.
Mmm, very good. So the room isn't quite ready.
Would you like to inconveniently grab your swimsuits from your luggage
and use the pool while you wait?
Oh, that's okay.
We'll just buy new bathing suits at the lobby store.
Snapple Babes?
And for our survey, how'd you hear about the resort?
That rich lady from the news was murdered here.
Yep, that is what most people say.
- Hey, Stewie, what are you watching? - Uh. Uh, The Gilded Age.
- Seriously? - I couldn't wait.
I'm sorry. I-I'll watch it again with you tonight.
Oh, and have you stare at me right before something big happens?
No way. You know what? You know what? Good.
I'll watch shows on my own too.
I can finally watch something after 7:00 p.m.
Doctor Wagner would want us to play big problem, small problem.
A big problem is sometimes a hospital problem.
A small problem is something like your friend watches a show that--
I'm not listening to this crap. This is stupid.
You feel like this is stupid?
Doctor Wagner says to use "I feel" statements.
I feel like you are making up rules to--
Oh, Stewie's got the iPad.
Stewie, Daddy's just gonna take the iPad into the bathroom, okay?
He took my Etch A Sketch.
Siri, show me busty Latinas.
Busty Latinas.
Hey, can somebody reset the Wi-Fi?
- Have you decided? - Yes.
We'd like two Lava Flows in hollowed-out pineapples,
and sweet potato fries in a hollowed-out coconut.
Any food or drink you bring us should be inside a hollow fruit.
Excuse me, my son and I couldn't help but notice
you ordered all your food in hollowed-out fruit.
You must be very rich.
Aw, thanks for noticing.
So what are your names?
You can call us the Snapple Babes.
Yeah, we're famous.
Well, maybe you can tell us all about it over dinner.
Shall we say one of the three overpriced hotel restaurants at 8:00?
We shall.
See you then.
I forgot these are prescription, but those are two smoking-hot blobs.
So, last session I asked you each to write a love song to your friendship.
Let's start with Brian.
Whatever.
♪ Stewie, Stewie Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Awesome guy ♪
What the hell was that?
You couldn't be bothered to spend five minutes preparing something?
Like it matters. This is so stupid.
You're stupid.
Guys, please!
Admit you exaggerate your accent.
Admit you wear shirts from museums you've never been to.
Enough!
This is ridiculous.
Your relationship is toxic.
You're not married. You're not blood relatives.
Why continue?
In my entire career, I have never given this advice,
but it is my opinion that you should end this friendship.
- Fine by me. - Makes my life easier.
Also, your insurance card didn't go through.
And when I looked again, I realized it was a Robeks Juice card.
You went to SUNY Albany. You'll take it and like it.
Okay, this is a bartering culture,
so we have to haggle over an amount of money
we wouldn't even pick up if we dropped it on the ground.
Mom, what are they gonna do with us?
If you let my daughter go, you can do whatever you want to me.
In the following order:
You, you, blonde arm hair guy, you two, maybe a quick lunch and shower,
then blonde arm hair guy again if he's into it.
You two? W-Where are we?
It's a co-kidnapping space.
It used to be a WeWork.
Oh, I saw that documentary. Meh.
Sorry to interrupt.
Is there, like, a trick to the Keurig machine?
Hey, man. Yeah, it's probably just out of water.
God, there's nothing in here.
Where's the money?
Uh, I'd look in the lobby store.
Guilty as charged.
No, but they do have fun stuff in there.
Shut up. The real money will be the ransom anyways.
We've never captured a beverage heiress before.
What? Who do you think we are?
We know you're the Snapple family.
No. This is a big misunderstanding.
We just won a Snapple contest, then spent all the money.
You're worthless.
It was the water.
And do you, Janet, take Robert to be your husband?
I do.
"Forgive you about Jamaica." Am I right?
Brian. What are you doing here?
I should ask you that.
Can't believe you came knowing I'd be here.
Well, I'm not gonna punish Janet for what happened between us.
Okay. But just keep your distance.
Fine. I get from the bar
to the bridesmaid having a terse, ugly argument with her boyfriend.
Okay. And I get from her
to the bald uncle looking around before telling a racist joke.
So, how long we thinking until Stewie makes this whole event about him?
Ten minutes? Should we put a little "cashish" on it?
I just asked you to pass the butter.
I don't know who Stewie is.
Do yourself a favor, keep it that way.
I think we're supposed to sit at the tables we were assigned.
Yeah. No, they said I could kinda be a roamer.
Smells like butt. Let me guess, Brian was just here?
- Who's Brian? - I think that's the dog guy.
I thought this table was just supposed to be Cornell people.
Oh, my God. Mom, we're gonna die.
Oh, no, we're not. I have a plan.
Uh, hey, guys. You know, if you're hungry, I have a half a granola bar in my purse.
This purse is useless. Just like you.
The good people at T.J. Maxx may disagree with you there.
Huh?
Good day.
It was them in the nine-dollar rain bonnets.
Told you these look like the expensive ones.
Never mess with a mom.
Meg, help me tie up their hands with these extremely long CVS receipts.
Why did you save these?
Oh, there's a carpet cleaning coupon on the back that I'm curious about.
I'd like to invite all the single ladies to the dance floor.
Yeah!
How about the single fellas?
Yeah!
Now, some slowly building emotional music
for estranged friends to look at each other and regret their rift.
What are we doing?
Hey, I, uh, have a toast.
You know, sometimes, against all odds,
two people find each other in this crazy place we call Earth.
Sure, they might have problems.
And they might not always agree with each other.
And a therapist may even tell them they shouldn't be friends.
Well, what I realized is,
I don't want a friend I can get along with.
I can get along with anybody.
Table two hates you, dude.
I want a friend who I can laugh with
because they also notice that no one else is drinking cream soda,
which means the guy in jeans brought it from home.
I knew they wouldn't have it.
I want a friend who will publicly shame a mom-and-pop café
for having slightly too few blueberries in their muffin.
Call it something else 'cause it ain't a blueberry muffin.
Stewie, this is for you.
♪ Stewie, Stewie ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ You're my best friend ♪
He did the work.
Stewie, I'd rather be toxic and unhealthy together
than toxic and unhealthy apart.
Me too, Bri. Let's be best friends again.
What do you say we hit the photo booth and take a couple of funny photos?
I've heard they have hilarious props.
- No props. - Yeah. No props. Yeah.
But Stewie did use props, and they had a big fight about it.
And it took a whole other wedding for them to make up again.
I'm Cleveland Brown, and I know my show was better than this.
I can't believe we made it home safe.
It was so lucky you had all that stuff in your purse.
Oh, sweetie, luck had nothing to do with it.
I'm a mom, and moms have to be prepared for anything.
Yeah, I really wanted to show you I could be fun like Dad,
but look where that got us.
At the end of the day, someone's gotta be the responsible one here.
I guess you're right, Mom.
I mean, we all love your father's water balloon fights,
but someone's gotta pick up all the tiny balloon pieces from the grass.
That's my role. And it's fine.
Do you think someday I'll be a boring, taken-for-granted wife and mom?
Aw, I think you're well on your way, sweetheart.
- Oh. How was he? - Fine.
But let's just say there's the exact same number of carrots as when you left.
Well, that sounds about right.
He also said you said yogurt-covered pretzels are a healthy snack.
You did say that.
Compared to Cheetos, they are.
You just said it again.
- Here are your waffles. - Thanks so much.
Yay. That was quick.
Can I grab anything else for you?
- No, this is great. - Cheat day.