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00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
2
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's a family guy ♪
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Good morning, family.
10
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:38,830
{\an8}Now, as you all know,
since four minutes ago,
11
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:40,248
{\an8}when I heard it on the radio,
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00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:45,086
{\an8}it has been my lifelong dream to compete
in the St. Philip's Greasy Pole Contest,
13
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{\an8}where shirtless men try to climb
across a greasy pole.
14
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{\an8}Come on, Chris. Let's go.
15
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{\an8}Now, hold on, Peter.
16
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{\an8}You promised you'd run errands
with me today.
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{\an8}You can't just bail
'cause you heard of some fun new thing.
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{\an8}Lois, we both know I'm going to
the whatever-I-just-said thing.
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{\an8}Meg will fill in for me.
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{\an8}- [groans] Fine.
- All right.
21
00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:05,231
{\an8}Now, if you're gonna be filling in for me,
you need to complete the online course.
22
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:10,987
Congratulations on being picked to fill in
for me while I have a horse-around day.
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00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:13,865
Now, let's talk dos and don'ts
around the workplace.
24
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{\an8}Okay, let's see what you've learned.
25
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{\an8}Describe the difference between a tunic
and a shawl in as much detail as possible.
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[groans]
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{\an8}Congratulations on being picked...
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{\an8}Every year, there's some hotshot who
thinks they don't gotta watch the video.
29
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{\an8}Oh, no. I left my phone in the car.
30
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{\an8}Oh, weird. I forgot mine too.
31
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{\an8}Should I run back and grab them?
32
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{\an8}- Ah, we don't need 'em.
- No, we do not.
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{\an8}I, for one,
welcome the lost art of conversation,
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{\an8}of which we are both ninjas, my friend.
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{\an8}Absolutely.
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{\an8}[scatting]
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{\an8}So, how you doing, man?
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{\an8}All good. All good in the hood.
39
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{\an8}Anything new? What's new?
40
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{\an8}Same old, same old.
41
00:02:05,416 --> 00:02:07,210
{\an8}- Life good? Family good?
- Yep.
42
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{\an8}Living the dream. D-R-E-A-M.
No complaints.
43
00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:12,715
{\an8}Zero complaints.
44
00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:15,218
{\an8}Dylan, right? Your son? He good?
45
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{\an8}Most def.
46
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{\an8}Most def.
47
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{\an8}- [phones beep]
- Breaking news!
48
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{\an8}I can't believe this.
49
00:02:24,477 --> 00:02:27,021
{\an8}I have a Samsung,
so my alert hasn't come in yet.
50
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{\an8}It's nice not being glued to our phones
like these sheeple, huh?
51
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- [Samsung alert chimes]
- [diner] There it is! Oh, my God.
52
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Slaves to the screen.
53
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Are we almost done?
54
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Yeah, I need to find Stewie's rash cream.
55
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But if you're not having fun,
56
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go get a squeeze
from the blood pressure machine.
57
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That always perks me up.
58
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[phone rings]
59
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- [crowd cheering]
- Meg, oh, my God. It's crazy here!
60
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:04,934
Dad fell off the pole and landed on
his head and one of his eyes popped out.
61
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:10,064
We picked it up and jammed it back in,
but the pupil was on the other side.
62
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I'm okay. Just got a little headache.
63
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Also, Dad gave me a hard lemonade.
64
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He's pretty out of it.
65
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Total shocker,
Chris and Dad are having a very fun day.
66
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,535
They're not the only ones, huh?
67
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Oh, I also need to return this loofah.
I mean, who was I kidding?
68
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I'm a "Dial bar smeared
right on the skin" gal.
69
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Of course.
Let me show you to the returns section.
70
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[Mort] The Prestige.
71
00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,681
Well, I guess Janet forgave Robert
for Jamaica.
72
00:03:43,681 --> 00:03:46,017
- What are you talking about?
- The wedding's back on.
73
00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:49,145
And Janet officially has no backbone.
74
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What are you doing?
75
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,898
Um, eating a sandwich?
76
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:54,525
Brian Griffin, I ordered ramen for us.
77
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We planned this last night.
78
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We did? I don't-- I don't remember.
79
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You were too drunk to remember?
80
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,909
I've been dying to try this place,
and you said we could do it together.
81
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,202
- Stewie, it's not--
- [knocks]
82
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:08,331
Uh, ramen for Stewie and Brian?
83
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:10,208
Apparently, it's just for Stewie.
84
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:11,501
Everything okay?
85
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,586
No, it's not! [crying]
86
00:04:14,712 --> 00:04:16,256
Stewie, what the hell was that?
87
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,382
What happened to us?
88
00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:18,925
I thought we were best friends.
89
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,426
We have nothing to say at brunch,
90
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:23,012
we don't listen to each other,
we forget plans we made.
91
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:25,056
By the way, the "we" in all this is you.
92
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:26,391
Don't be dramatic, Stewie.
93
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:27,892
- We're fine.
- No, we're not.
94
00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:29,769
Best friends talk about stuff.
95
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,980
I-I don't-- What do you want me to do?
96
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:35,441
If you're really asking,
I saw a therapist on the Today show
97
00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:38,111
talking about the emergence
of friendship therapy.
98
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,570
I think it could help us.
99
00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:40,655
Nope.
100
00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:44,742
- [groans] Fine.
- Oh, Brian, this is great.
101
00:04:44,742 --> 00:04:48,871
It'll give us the fresh start we need,
like when Tom Brady moved to Tampa Bay.
102
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All right! Now I get to cheat in shorts!
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I'm Peyton Manning,
and I approve this message.
104
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So, yeah.
105
00:05:01,592 --> 00:05:04,387
This is how I reload my purse
with mom stuff.
106
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:06,889
It's very important to always be prepared.
107
00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:07,974
Didn't ask.
108
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:12,979
Travel-size lotion, hand sanitizer,
Tic Tac, so I can skip brushing my teeth.
109
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,564
Dawg, you still gotta brush!
110
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:18,985
And mom hack 68:
buy the two-dollar plastic rain bonnet.
111
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:23,031
They're made at the same factory
that makes the nine-dollar ones.
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Don't ask me how I know.
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Oh. Meg, don't look for a sec.
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Okay, it's safe.
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Our treat for an epic errands day.
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Amazing.
117
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Big surprise. I didn't win.
118
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Didn't win what?
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Oh, my God, Meg! I won!
120
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,186
You're kidding!
121
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Mom, this is amazing.
122
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,856
Ah! I know. I can't believe it.
123
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,901
It's even more exciting than
the creation of Broccolini.
124
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What is this new plant?
125
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Let me ask you a question.
126
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,490
- Do you like broccoli?
- Not really.
127
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:09,410
Well, I think I just figured out
a way to make it harder to eat.
128
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I can't believe you won ten grand.
129
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I know!
130
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:20,380
I wonder how soon I can get that
house water filtration system installed.
131
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,090
A couple weeks? A month?
132
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What is wrong with you?
133
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,592
W-What do you mean?
134
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You win a boatload of money,
135
00:06:26,135 --> 00:06:28,930
and your first thought is
a water filtration system?
136
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God, how do you not blow your brains out?
137
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Oh, these systems are very cool.
138
00:06:33,267 --> 00:06:35,812
No, they're not! They're boring.
139
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,147
Everything you do is boring.
140
00:06:38,147 --> 00:06:40,024
That's why we all want
to hang out with Dad.
141
00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:42,026
Imagine what he'd do with ten grand.
142
00:06:42,026 --> 00:06:45,947
Something super stupid
and selfish and awesome, that's what!
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00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,326
[brakes squeal]
144
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:52,912
Dad's not the only fun one, you know.
145
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:53,996
Uh-huh.
146
00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:56,332
Oh, you don't believe me? Okay, okay.
147
00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:59,794
Well, what if-- what if we use the money
for something fun?
148
00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:01,838
- For just us?
- Like what?
149
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:04,924
Like going on
a top secret mother-daughter trip.
150
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:08,177
Really? Mom, that would be amazing.
151
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:10,721
Great! Now, let's keep this same energy
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while we take a quick detour
for my mammogram.
153
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,893
Whoo-hoo! Girls' trip!
154
00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:17,395
How's it looking in there?
155
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,689
Well, it's probably nothing?
156
00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:22,400
[shakily] Oh. Girls' trip.
157
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:31,409
[announcer] Final call for Vacation
Airlines flight to Vacation Destination.
158
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:33,411
I can't believe
we're going on a secret trip.
159
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:34,996
This is so cool.
160
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:36,330
What did you tell Dad?
161
00:07:36,330 --> 00:07:38,249
Oh, pfft. He won't even know we're gone.
162
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:39,959
I got him his favorite babysitter.
163
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:43,045
Lois says we're allowed to stay up
past 9:00.
164
00:07:43,045 --> 00:07:44,547
The note says 9:00.
165
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:45,673
Not if it's special.
166
00:07:45,673 --> 00:07:47,675
A-And we're allowed to watch Beetlejuice.
167
00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:50,803
The note specifically says no Beetlejuice.
168
00:07:52,597 --> 00:07:55,975
I'm allowed to watch Coco,
and it's basically the same thing.
169
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:03,691
I'm Doctor Wagner. Please take a seat.
170
00:08:03,691 --> 00:08:05,067
This is a test, right?
171
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:07,069
You're free to sit anywhere you like.
172
00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:10,865
Yeah? This right?
173
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,408
There's no right or wrong.
174
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:18,331
Aha! You lost. You sat too quick.
175
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,584
Are you uncomfortable that Brian had
the confidence to choose a seat?
176
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,461
Yes. Brian, 1. Stewie, 0.
177
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:25,796
Actually, Brian, this isn't a contest.
178
00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:28,382
- Yes. 1-1.
- Stewie, please sit.
179
00:08:28,382 --> 00:08:29,592
I may just stand.
180
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,886
Oh, indecisive. 2-1.
181
00:08:32,595 --> 00:08:33,804
Doc's going pen-to-pad,
182
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:36,474
and you gotta think
Stewie just evened up the score.
183
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,817
It does look like we have
an ocean-view suite available
184
00:08:46,817 --> 00:08:48,402
for an extra $500,
185
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:49,820
if you are interested.
186
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:52,073
You know what? Yes, we'll take it.
187
00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:54,367
The Snapple Babes are living it up.
188
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:57,286
Mmm, very good.
So the room isn't quite ready.
189
00:08:57,286 --> 00:09:00,164
Would you like to inconveniently grab
your swimsuits from your luggage
190
00:09:00,164 --> 00:09:01,624
and use the pool while you wait?
191
00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:02,792
Oh, that's okay.
192
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:06,170
We'll just buy new bathing suits
at the lobby store.
193
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:07,463
[all gasp]
194
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:09,298
Snapple Babes?
195
00:09:09,298 --> 00:09:12,218
And for our survey,
how'd you hear about the resort?
196
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,929
That rich lady from the news
was murdered here.
197
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,931
Yep, that is what most people say.
198
00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:24,480
- Hey, Stewie, what are you watching?
- Uh. Uh, The Gilded Age.
199
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:26,107
- Seriously?
- I couldn't wait.
200
00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,484
I'm sorry.
I-I'll watch it again with you tonight.
201
00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:31,153
Oh, and have you stare at me
right before something big happens?
202
00:09:31,153 --> 00:09:33,114
No way. You know what?
You know what? Good.
203
00:09:33,114 --> 00:09:34,782
I'll watch shows on my own too.
204
00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:37,034
I can finally watch something
after 7:00 p.m.
205
00:09:37,034 --> 00:09:40,580
Doctor Wagner would want us to play
big problem, small problem.
206
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,249
A big problem is
sometimes a hospital problem.
207
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:46,419
A small problem is something like
your friend watches a show that--
208
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,337
I'm not listening to this crap.
This is stupid.
209
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,756
You feel like this is stupid?
210
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:53,926
Doctor Wagner says to use
"I feel" statements.
211
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:56,095
I feel like you are making up rules to--
212
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:57,805
Oh, Stewie's got the iPad.
213
00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:01,309
Stewie, Daddy's just gonna take the iPad
into the bathroom, okay?
214
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,020
He took my Etch A Sketch.
215
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,647
[Peter] Siri, show me busty Latinas.
216
00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:09,984
Busty Latinas.
217
00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:13,154
Hey, can somebody reset the Wi-Fi?
218
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:20,995
- Have you decided?
- Yes.
219
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:24,498
We'd like two Lava Flows
in hollowed-out pineapples,
220
00:10:24,498 --> 00:10:27,793
and sweet potato fries
in a hollowed-out coconut.
221
00:10:27,793 --> 00:10:31,589
Any food or drink you bring us
should be inside a hollow fruit.
222
00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:34,425
Excuse me,
my son and I couldn't help but notice
223
00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:37,720
you ordered all your food
in hollowed-out fruit.
224
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,180
You must be very rich.
225
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:41,098
Aw, thanks for noticing.
226
00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:42,224
So what are your names?
227
00:10:42,224 --> 00:10:44,435
You can call us the Snapple Babes.
228
00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:47,021
[laughs] Yeah, we're famous.
229
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,066
Well, maybe you can tell us
all about it over dinner.
230
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:53,527
Shall we say one of the three
overpriced hotel restaurants at 8:00?
231
00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:55,446
[laughs] We shall.
232
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:56,530
See you then.
233
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:09,210
[scoffs] I forgot these are prescription,
but those are two smoking-hot blobs.
234
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:19,345
So, last session I asked you each
to write a love song to your friendship.
235
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,097
Let's start with Brian.
236
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,932
Whatever. [clears throat]
237
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:26,394
♪ Stewie, Stewie
Oh, yeah ♪
238
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:27,978
♪ Awesome guy ♪
239
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:29,063
What the hell was that?
240
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:32,108
You couldn't be bothered to spend
five minutes preparing something?
241
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,193
Like it matters. This is so stupid.
242
00:11:34,193 --> 00:11:36,278
- You're stupid.
- [both grunting]
243
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:37,613
Guys, please!
244
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:39,782
Admit you exaggerate your accent.
245
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:42,618
Admit you wear shirts from museums
you've never been to.
246
00:11:42,618 --> 00:11:43,786
[grunting continues]
247
00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,621
[shouts] Enough!
248
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,124
This is ridiculous.
249
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:49,875
Your relationship is toxic.
250
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,961
You're not married.
You're not blood relatives.
251
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,212
Why continue?
252
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:55,423
[inhales deeply]
253
00:11:55,423 --> 00:12:00,177
In my entire career,
I have never given this advice,
254
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:04,765
but it is my opinion
that you should end this friendship.
255
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:07,184
- Fine by me.
- Makes my life easier.
256
00:12:07,184 --> 00:12:09,270
Also, your insurance card
didn't go through.
257
00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:12,481
And when I looked again,
I realized it was a Robeks Juice card.
258
00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:15,192
You went to SUNY Albany.
You'll take it and like it.
259
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,240
Okay, this is a bartering culture,
260
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,325
so we have to haggle over
an amount of money
261
00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:25,745
we wouldn't even pick up
if we dropped it on the ground.
262
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:26,829
[tires screech]
263
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:31,792
[both gasp, grunting]
264
00:12:32,626 --> 00:12:35,546
[tires squealing]
265
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:37,965
[Meg] Mom, what are they gonna do with us?
266
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,801
[Lois] If you let my daughter go,
you can do whatever you want to me.
267
00:12:40,801 --> 00:12:42,136
In the following order:
268
00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:46,724
You, you, blonde arm hair guy, you two,
maybe a quick lunch and shower,
269
00:12:46,724 --> 00:12:49,643
then blonde arm hair guy again
if he's into it.
270
00:13:01,197 --> 00:13:04,450
[gasps] You two? W-Where are we?
271
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:10,748
It's a co-kidnapping space.
272
00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:11,999
It used to be a WeWork.
273
00:13:11,999 --> 00:13:14,293
Oh, I saw that documentary. Meh.
274
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:15,419
Sorry to interrupt.
275
00:13:15,419 --> 00:13:17,630
Is there, like,
a trick to the Keurig machine?
276
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,757
Hey, man.
Yeah, it's probably just out of water.
277
00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:24,553
God, there's nothing in here.
278
00:13:24,553 --> 00:13:25,679
Where's the money?
279
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:28,098
Uh, I'd look in the lobby store.
280
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:30,434
[laughs] Guilty as charged.
281
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:32,436
No, but they do have fun stuff in there.
282
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:35,314
Shut up. The real money will be
the ransom anyways.
283
00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,608
We've never captured
a beverage heiress before.
284
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,693
What? Who do you think we are?
285
00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:41,946
We know you're the Snapple family.
286
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:45,491
[laughs] No.
This is a big misunderstanding.
287
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:49,036
We just won a Snapple contest,
then spent all the money.
288
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:51,038
[grunts] You're worthless.
289
00:13:51,038 --> 00:13:54,041
- [Keurig buzzing]
- [kidnapper 1] It was the water.
290
00:13:57,378 --> 00:14:00,548
And do you, Janet,
take Robert to be your husband?
291
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:01,632
I do.
292
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:04,802
"Forgive you about Jamaica."
[laughs] Am I right?
293
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,267
Brian. What are you doing here?
294
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,393
I should ask you that.
295
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,520
Can't believe you came
knowing I'd be here.
296
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,565
Well, I'm not gonna punish Janet
for what happened between us.
297
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,316
Okay. But just keep your distance.
298
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:21,151
Fine. I get from the bar
299
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:24,738
to the bridesmaid having a terse,
ugly argument with her boyfriend.
300
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:26,866
Okay. And I get from her
301
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:30,786
to the bald uncle looking around
before telling a racist joke.
302
00:14:32,204 --> 00:14:35,749
So, how long we thinking until
Stewie makes this whole event about him?
303
00:14:35,749 --> 00:14:38,919
[chuckles] Ten minutes? [chuckles]
Should we put a little "cashish" on it?
304
00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:40,671
I just asked you to pass the butter.
305
00:14:40,671 --> 00:14:42,631
I don't know who Stewie is.
306
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:44,800
Do yourself a favor, keep it that way.
307
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,636
I think we're supposed to sit
at the tables we were assigned.
308
00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:49,972
Yeah. No, they said
I could kinda be a roamer.
309
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:55,561
[sniffs] Smells like butt.
Let me guess, Brian was just here?
310
00:14:55,561 --> 00:14:58,105
- Who's Brian?
- I think that's the dog guy.
311
00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:00,774
I thought this table was
just supposed to be Cornell people.
312
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,282
Oh, my God. Mom, we're gonna die.
313
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:10,910
[no audible dialogue]
314
00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:15,372
Oh, no, we're not. I have a plan.
315
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:20,002
Uh, hey, guys. You know, if you're hungry,
I have a half a granola bar in my purse.
316
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:22,796
This purse is useless. Just like you.
317
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:26,884
[sighs] The good people at T.J. Maxx
may disagree with you there.
318
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,636
[grunts]
319
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:35,559
[grunting]
320
00:15:35,559 --> 00:15:36,852
[kidnappers] Huh?
321
00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:38,187
[both grunt]
322
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:40,773
[panting]
323
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,651
[kidnappers scream]
324
00:15:44,526 --> 00:15:45,861
- [kidnapper 2 grunts]
- [Lois screams]
325
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,739
[kidnapper 2 grunting]
326
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:53,869
[kidnappers grunt]
327
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:57,164
[grunts]
328
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,546
[both groan]
329
00:16:08,175 --> 00:16:09,593
[Meg, Lois] Good day.
330
00:16:09,593 --> 00:16:10,803
[kidnappers] Good day.
331
00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:14,890
It was them
in the nine-dollar rain bonnets.
332
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:17,309
Told you these look
like the expensive ones.
333
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:23,649
[both gasp]
334
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:31,865
[chokes]
335
00:16:32,491 --> 00:16:33,534
[groans]
336
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,162
[groans]
337
00:16:37,162 --> 00:16:39,456
Never mess with a mom.
338
00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:43,502
Meg, help me tie up their hands
with these extremely long CVS receipts.
339
00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:44,837
Why did you save these?
340
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:48,549
Oh, there's a carpet cleaning coupon
on the back that I'm curious about.
341
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:50,634
[rock music playing]
342
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:58,809
I'd like to invite all the single ladies
to the dance floor.
343
00:16:58,809 --> 00:17:01,061
- [person] Yeah!
- [all cheering]
344
00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:03,313
How about the single fellas?
345
00:17:03,313 --> 00:17:06,650
- Yeah!
- [all cheering]
346
00:17:08,652 --> 00:17:11,155
Now, some slowly building emotional music
347
00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:16,076
for estranged friends to look
at each other and regret their rift.
348
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,883
[sighs] What are we doing?
349
00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:35,888
Hey, I, uh, have a toast.
350
00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:42,186
[clears throat] You know,
sometimes, against all odds,
351
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:45,731
two people find each other
in this crazy place we call Earth.
352
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,776
Sure, they might have problems.
353
00:17:48,776 --> 00:17:51,111
And they might not always agree
with each other.
354
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:54,323
And a therapist may even tell them
they shouldn't be friends.
355
00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:57,451
Well, what I realized is,
356
00:17:57,451 --> 00:17:59,620
I don't want a friend
I can get along with.
357
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:00,913
I can get along with anybody.
358
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,831
[guest] Table two hates you, dude.
359
00:18:02,831 --> 00:18:04,625
I want a friend who I can laugh with
360
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:07,669
because they also notice
that no one else is drinking cream soda,
361
00:18:07,669 --> 00:18:09,922
which means the guy in jeans
brought it from home.
362
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,548
I knew they wouldn't have it.
363
00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:15,177
I want a friend who will publicly shame
a mom-and-pop café
364
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,805
for having slightly too few blueberries
in their muffin.
365
00:18:17,805 --> 00:18:20,474
[Stewie] Call it something else
'cause it ain't a blueberry muffin.
366
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,226
Stewie, this is for you.
367
00:18:29,817 --> 00:18:31,902
♪ Stewie, Stewie ♪
368
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,320
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
369
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,322
♪ You're my best friend ♪
370
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,241
He did the work.
371
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:48,293
Stewie, I'd rather be
toxic and unhealthy together
372
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,254
than toxic and unhealthy apart.
373
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,090
Me too, Bri. Let's be best friends again.
374
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:56,385
What do you say we hit the photo booth
and take a couple of funny photos?
375
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,220
I've heard they have hilarious props.
376
00:18:58,220 --> 00:18:59,972
- No props.
- Yeah. No props. Yeah.
377
00:19:02,182 --> 00:19:05,727
[narrator] But Stewie did use props,
and they had a big fight about it.
378
00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:08,814
And it took a whole other wedding
for them to make up again.
379
00:19:08,814 --> 00:19:13,110
I'm Cleveland Brown,
and I know my show was better than this.
380
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:19,116
I can't believe we made it home safe.
381
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:22,077
It was so lucky you had
all that stuff in your purse.
382
00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,538
Oh, sweetie,
luck had nothing to do with it.
383
00:19:24,538 --> 00:19:27,833
I'm a mom,
and moms have to be prepared for anything.
384
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,544
Yeah, I really wanted to show you
I could be fun like Dad,
385
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,920
but look where that got us.
386
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:35,424
At the end of the day, someone's gotta be
the responsible one here.
387
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,092
I guess you're right, Mom.
388
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:39,887
I mean, we all love
your father's water balloon fights,
389
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:43,599
but someone's gotta pick up all
the tiny balloon pieces from the grass.
390
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:45,934
That's my role. And it's fine.
391
00:19:45,934 --> 00:19:49,521
Do you think someday I'll be a boring,
taken-for-granted wife and mom?
392
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,524
Aw, I think you're well on your way, sweetheart.
393
00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:59,615
- Oh. How was he?
- Fine.
394
00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:03,994
But let's just say there's the exact
same number of carrots as when you left.
395
00:20:03,994 --> 00:20:05,787
Well, that sounds about right.
396
00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:10,083
He also said you said yogurt-covered
pretzels are a healthy snack.
397
00:20:10,083 --> 00:20:12,002
- [sighs]
- [Peter] You did say that.
398
00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,754
Compared to Cheetos, they are.
399
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,088
You just said it again.
400
00:20:21,178 --> 00:20:22,221
[phones beep]
401
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,097
- Here are your waffles.
- Thanks so much.
402
00:20:24,097 --> 00:20:25,432
Yay. That was quick.
403
00:20:26,099 --> 00:20:27,351
[phones beep]
404
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,068
Can I grab anything else for you?
405
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,111
- No, this is great.
- Cheat day.