1 00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 2 00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928 ♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪ 3 00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389 ♪ On which we used to rely ♪ 4 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 5 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521 ♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪ 6 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 7 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 8 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 9 00:00:36,494 --> 00:00:39,706 {\an8}It's such a treat to be at the water park with you guys. 10 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:43,376 {\an8}I don't wanna freak anyone out, but Meg is just openly weeping at the touch tank. 11 00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:46,504 - [sobs] It's been so long. - Okay. 12 00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,882 - I need this so much. - All right. 13 00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:51,426 - This is a gift. - Just gonna move along here. 14 00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:53,845 You have no idea you're giving me a gift right now. 15 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:54,971 You take care now. 16 00:00:54,971 --> 00:00:58,224 {\an8}Yeesh, imagine being that desperate for human connection. 17 00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:02,103 Anyway, sir, I've been stung by a jellyfish, and I need to be peed on. 18 00:01:02,103 --> 00:01:03,605 Our jellyfish don't sting. 19 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:06,232 [chuckles] Yeah, I think-- I think I know when I've been stung. 20 00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:09,694 Now, is there an attractive, well-hydrated manager I can speak to? 21 00:01:09,694 --> 00:01:11,780 {\an8}Everyone having fun? 22 00:01:11,780 --> 00:01:15,408 {\an8}You know, this is our first family time since we went to Dollywood. 23 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:19,037 {\an8}- Aw. - What? 24 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:21,122 {\an8}It's just not what I thought the sign would look like. 25 00:01:21,122 --> 00:01:23,124 {\an8}I mean, it's got two O's right next to each other 26 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,544 {\an8}and, you know, it's just... [sighs] ...missed opportunity. 27 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,260 Where's Stewie? 28 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:37,222 {\an8}Hey, Bri, can dolphins sting? 29 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:40,016 {\an8}And-And what will that get me pee-wise? [screams] 30 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:43,812 {\an8}Stewie! [barking] 31 00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:46,940 {\an8}Well, I'm out of ideas. 32 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,234 {\an8}Someone help! My baby. 33 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,985 {\an8}Peter, jump in and save him! 34 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:53,530 {\an8}On it! Hang on. Hold my phone. Hold my earbuds. 35 00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:55,365 Hold my second phone I hide from your mother. 36 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:57,242 - [phone dings] - Hang on. 37 00:01:57,742 --> 00:01:59,577 Respond with an eggplant emoji. 38 00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:00,662 [Meg grunting] 39 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:04,916 {\an8}Hey, check out the new addition. She's hot. 40 00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,793 {\an8}Uh, tank hot. 41 00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:14,926 [Meg panting] 42 00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:19,097 {\an8}Meg, you saved Stewie. 43 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,890 {\an8}Thank God everyone is safe. 44 00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,392 {\an8}And as for you, young lady-- 45 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,018 {\an8}I guess I'm in trouble, huh? 46 00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:25,145 {\an8}No, not at all. 47 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:28,148 {\an8}In fact, we have a job opening over at our waterslide park. 48 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,358 {\an8}I think you'd make an excellent lifeguard. 49 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:31,776 Will you apply for the position? 50 00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:35,155 You mean it? Wow, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale. 51 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:38,783 Now that my sister is dead, I must have her ruby slippers. 52 00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:43,663 Oh, no. Those shoes now belong to Meg. 53 00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:47,208 - [screams] - [bleep] 54 00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:49,586 We're not even close to the same size. 55 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:53,089 Get 'em off! Get 'em off! [screaming] 56 00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:55,466 [announcer] In Oz, there's no place like home. 57 00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:58,720 For big women's shoes, there's no place like Kohl's. 58 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,182 {\an8}Kohl's: Yes, we do have that in a wide. 59 00:03:08,229 --> 00:03:09,606 {\an8}What software is that? 60 00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:14,194 {\an8}"Final Draft: Extra Visible to Nearby Patrons in the Coffeehouse Edition"? 61 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:18,865 {\an8}Just trying to get a little work done on my Hollywood screenplay for Hollywood, 62 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:22,035 {\an8}home of big Hollywood celebrities. 63 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:26,164 {\an8}Ike Barinholtz, being an example. 64 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,166 {\an8}Do not patronize this man! 65 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,960 {\an8}I found an insensitive post in his Twitter feed. 66 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,004 {\an8}What? [stammers] I would never. 67 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:36,549 {\an8}He tweeted something very negative about Abbott Elementary. 68 00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:38,259 {\an8}I-I said it was hilarious. 69 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:40,220 {\an8}But you didn't use all caps! 70 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,846 {\an8}You're canceled, mister! 71 00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,806 {\an8}[all booing] 72 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,684 {\an8}I'll just gather my things. 73 00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:52,148 [Wild West] Per hipster law, when a coffeehouse becomes available, 74 00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:55,818 it goes to whoever has the best coffee pun for the name. 75 00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:56,903 Um, Java the Hut. 76 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,154 Perks and Recreation! 77 00:03:58,154 --> 00:04:00,531 - [stammers] Lost and Ground. - Roast Malone. 78 00:04:00,531 --> 00:04:01,699 Two and a Caf Men. 79 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:03,743 [Wild West] This can go on for quite a while. 80 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:08,331 Why, this very shop started in the '80s as Funky Brewster. 81 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:09,832 And then Delta Perk. 82 00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:14,545 In the mid-'90s, it was briefly a tavern called Dharma and Grog. 83 00:04:14,545 --> 00:04:15,922 - And then-- - [dog barking] 84 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,757 [Wild West] Uh, I'll send you back now. 85 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,175 Gotta get the dog. 86 00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:20,843 Daisy. Daisy. 87 00:04:20,843 --> 00:04:22,512 It's just a barley man. 88 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,180 You know the barley man. 89 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,015 The Unflushed Poo and Tea Leaf. 90 00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:27,600 Bathroom Key Code and Tea Leaf. 91 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,602 The Center for Homeless Armpit Washing. 92 00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:31,145 Brian. Brian, everyone's gone. 93 00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:35,316 Yep, it's all yours. You can name it whatever. 94 00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:37,235 Wow, what should we do first? 95 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:40,571 We should hang an "under new management" banner to generate interest. 96 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:44,158 Whoa. Someone different is signing the time cards. 97 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:45,952 I gotta check this place out. 98 00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:52,083 Really glad you're applying for the lifeguard position, Meg. 99 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:54,127 I just have a few questions. 100 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:58,423 If I were to ask you how many times a day you shower, what would you say? 101 00:04:58,423 --> 00:05:01,467 Uh, the pool is a shower? 102 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:03,678 Wow. Skipping to page two. 103 00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:08,266 Let's see. This is all just boilerplate about making sure to hassle the urban kids 104 00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:10,268 like they're gonna somehow steal the pool. 105 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:13,146 Right. Right, right. That was in the application packet you emailed. 106 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:15,606 Okay. Well, you're basically hired. 107 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:19,944 The only lifeguard test left is for you to run all sultry in slow motion. 108 00:05:19,944 --> 00:05:22,030 ["Yakety Sax" playing] 109 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:35,960 [music ends] 110 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,588 Okay. We can work on that. 111 00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,428 Wow, we're finally going to open our coffeehouse today. 112 00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,972 I've been dreaming of this day for most of the day. 113 00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:49,682 And now it finally pays off. 114 00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:53,061 Yep. Only thing left to do is put the right music on the Sonos. 115 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:55,813 [Sonos speaker] Connecting: Brian's knockoff iPhone. 116 00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:56,939 Wait, why does it say that? 117 00:05:56,939 --> 00:06:00,651 [Sonos speaker] Playing: Jazz music Brian never actually listens to. 118 00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:01,736 [jazz music playing] 119 00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:03,154 Mmm, love this one. 120 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:05,490 [Sonos speaker] Favorited but not listened to once. 121 00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:06,908 Not one single time. 122 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,534 It's okay, Bri. I got this. 123 00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:12,205 [Sonos speaker] Connecting: Stewie's iPad that his mom has to unlock for him. 124 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,040 Whoa. No, not always. 125 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,709 [Sonos speaker] Playing: Songs that are guys' names. 126 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,086 [singer through Sonos] ♪ Robert! ♪ 127 00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,463 Stop, stop. We're overthinking this. It's a coffeehouse. 128 00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,508 We're legally required to play Sheryl Crow's worst songs. 129 00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:27,553 You're right. Anyway, what matters is we're finally ready to open our new café, 130 00:06:27,553 --> 00:06:29,222 "Oh Joe You D'int!" 131 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,891 Uh, d-did we-- did we settle on that name? 132 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,643 [laughing] What? Don't ask me. 133 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,604 You're the one who keeps bringing us back to "Oh Joe You D'int!" 134 00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:39,482 - Yeah, I don't like that one. - And yet, here we are talking about it. 135 00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:42,318 You're the one who won't let it go. Yeah, me, I'm open to whatever. 136 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:45,863 All right. Are we serving coffee or what? 137 00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,492 [patrons chattering] 138 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,370 Welcome, everyone. Step right up and get yourself some coffee. 139 00:06:52,370 --> 00:06:54,122 Stewie, hook these people up with some coffee. 140 00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,915 Okay. Where did you put the coffee? 141 00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:58,668 Me? [stammers] You were in charge of getting the coffee. 142 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:01,170 I-- I was coming up with "Oh Joe You D'int!" 143 00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:06,008 Well, frick. Okay, okay. 144 00:07:06,008 --> 00:07:07,593 Make it look like we can't help anyone 145 00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,971 because we're preparing a giant order for DoorDash. 146 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,055 How do we do that? 147 00:07:11,055 --> 00:07:12,932 Just start throwing a bunch of stuff into bags, 148 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:16,102 and I'll keep asking if the next person through the door is Dave. 149 00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:19,522 Dave? You Dave? Dave? 150 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:20,982 What about us? 151 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:23,025 You're actually here, so you don't matter. 152 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,573 [children laughing] 153 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:31,284 [Meg] A job can be more than a job if you love what you do. 154 00:07:32,034 --> 00:07:34,579 I am a lifeguard because I love flashing 155 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:37,457 eye-level swimsuit crotch shots at families. 156 00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:41,919 I love checking the pH of the pool by gargling the water 157 00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,130 and seeing how quickly it gives me a yeast infection. 158 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:45,214 - [gulps] - [thuds] 159 00:07:45,923 --> 00:07:49,010 Okay, pH, a little high here. 160 00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,512 I love having a special whistle that, when you blow it, 161 00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:55,016 it makes the sound of Ray Romano telling people to cut it out. 162 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:58,728 [whistle as Ray Romano] All right, guys. That's enough over there. 163 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:03,107 [Meg] But what I love most about being a lifeguard: No more abuse from my family. 164 00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:06,402 In fact, no family at all. 165 00:08:06,402 --> 00:08:09,614 It's just me. All day, every day. 166 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,115 - Hey, Meg! - Dad? 167 00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:14,702 Great news. Since you work here, I got a discount on a season pass. 168 00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,787 I'll be here all day, every day. 169 00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:20,166 And don't worry, I won't set up my towel next to the breastfeeding moms. 170 00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:25,671 Don't forget to swap halfway through so you keep 'em even. 171 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:35,139 Dad, you have no right to hang out in my workplace. 172 00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:37,058 Maybe your workplace should have thought of that 173 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,018 before they put an ad on my juice box. 174 00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,478 I'm a lifeguard, you know. 175 00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:41,854 I could just throw you out. 176 00:08:41,854 --> 00:08:43,105 Aw, come on, Meg. 177 00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:46,275 Look, if you let me stay, we'll make one of those viral videos you love. 178 00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:49,070 You know, where something seems real but it's actually cake. 179 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:52,365 {\an8}Yo, yo, yo! I'm here with my daughter, Meg, and her brother Chris. 180 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:55,576 {\an8}- Or am I? - Ow! Dad! Stop it! 181 00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,036 {\an8}Wait, what happened to Cake Chris? 182 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,997 All right. Let's see what's happening on CakeHub. 183 00:09:01,165 --> 00:09:04,585 {\an8}[sensual music playing] 184 00:09:04,585 --> 00:09:07,421 What a dirty little cake. 185 00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:09,632 Okay, plus, plus, you know "laugh and cry"? 186 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:12,176 You know, the-- in the song, where Stewie says, "Laugh and cry"? 187 00:09:12,176 --> 00:09:14,053 Let me stay, Meg, and it's all yours. 188 00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,805 - You'd do that? - I will look into it. 189 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,765 I will look into it very strongly. 190 00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:19,475 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 191 00:09:19,475 --> 00:09:20,810 Okay. I guess so. 192 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,312 But only if you promise to follow all the rules. 193 00:09:23,312 --> 00:09:24,480 Guys! We're in. 194 00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:25,481 - Hey, Meg. - Hey. 195 00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:28,359 Meg, I saw a sign about active diarrhea. 196 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:30,778 What if it's very passive? 197 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:34,949 [all murmuring] 198 00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,284 What are we gonna do, Stewie? 199 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:38,953 These people came for coffee, and we have none to serve them. 200 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:41,122 Dude, come on. Can I get some coffee or what? 201 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,833 Uh-- Uh, hang on. I think I hear our delivery guy in the back. 202 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:47,003 What do you mean you don't have the coffee? 203 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,254 [as delivery guy] I know. I'm sorry. 204 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,881 And-- And for such a handsome guy too, you're so handsome. 205 00:09:50,881 --> 00:09:53,676 [as Stewie] Okay, pal. You're not gonna compliment your way out of this one. 206 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,595 [as delivery guy] Oh, geez, buddy. You look so tense. 207 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,054 Let's get you out of that apron. 208 00:09:57,054 --> 00:09:58,514 [as Stewie] Oh, come on. I'm at work. 209 00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:01,475 [as delivery guy, chuckles] Oh, when is that body not working? 210 00:10:01,475 --> 00:10:04,228 Sorry. Hang on. Just gotta deal with this stupid thing. 211 00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:05,396 Enough of this. 212 00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:07,148 Come on, other college students. 213 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:10,151 Let's go sign up for a credit card that gives us a T-shirt. 214 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:11,319 [all murmuring] 215 00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:12,403 Wait, hang on. 216 00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:14,614 We got coffee for you right here. 217 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:18,576 Yep. The highest quality that you've come to expect here at Brew Ha Ha. 218 00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:20,286 I wanna change our name to Brew Ha Ha. 219 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,705 You're a lifesaver. Where did you get that? 220 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:25,291 I ran to the bodega next door and got some Folgers. 221 00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,460 What? We'll never get away with serving Folgers. 222 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:30,004 Won't we? Look around. We're a hit. 223 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:31,756 [patrons chattering] 224 00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:35,676 And check it out. We're already a pretend small business in a Chase Bank ad. 225 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,931 [Brian] These days, running a small business can be a big challenge. 226 00:10:40,931 --> 00:10:44,352 [Stewie] Whether we're receiving a flower delivery for unclear reasons... 227 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:48,272 [Brian] Or raising the blinds and flipping over the open-closed sign, 228 00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:50,191 which is how I spend most of my workday. 229 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:52,193 [Stewie] Or even making a latte for a Black woman, 230 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,736 an iced tea for a white woman 231 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,613 and a coffee for a gently brown guy 232 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:57,531 who could go in a lot of different directions. 233 00:10:57,531 --> 00:10:59,033 [Brian] We've got our hands full. 234 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,285 That's why Chase Bank is here for us. 235 00:11:01,285 --> 00:11:03,454 [Stewie] When this man in a suit from Chase Bank 236 00:11:03,454 --> 00:11:05,956 came down and shook my hand at my place of business, 237 00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:09,460 it really solidified what we'd already talked about at his office. 238 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,463 [Brian] Now we're looking at a laptop like my stupid little coffee shop 239 00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,882 is gonna be a big disrupter in the online space. 240 00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:17,093 [Stewie] And my Chase business card allows me to make 241 00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:19,929 those emergency purchases that I lose sleep at night over. 242 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:23,808 [Brian] Chase understands my business the way they understand all businesses: 243 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:27,228 as a huge reverse funnel that shoves money upwards to them. 244 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,230 [Stewie] Hey, another flower delivery. 245 00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:32,483 These will look great in the bathroom while I'm pooping blood from the stress. 246 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:35,403 [Brian] Now I'm flipping over that open-closed sign again. 247 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,822 Is that a new stadium with Chase's name on it? 248 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:39,073 How'd they afford that? 249 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,783 [Stewie] I'll be in this bathroom for a while. 250 00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,118 Better toss it to the announcer. 251 00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:44,995 {\an8}[announcer] At Chase Bank, we're about more than just foreclosing 252 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:47,331 {\an8}on American servicemen while overseas. 253 00:11:47,331 --> 00:11:49,041 {\an8}We're about small business. 254 00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:52,628 {\an8}So when you think of Chase, don't think of the 2008 financial crash. 255 00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:55,423 {\an8}Think of your local sympathetic small business. 256 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:56,590 {\an8}Flower delivery. 257 00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:59,218 {\an8}[Stewie] Yeah, guys, we're good on flowers for a while. 258 00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,387 Well, that's great, but it doesn't change the fact 259 00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:03,639 that we're passing Folgers off as real coffee. 260 00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:05,933 Isn't someone going to know the taste of Folgers? 261 00:12:05,933 --> 00:12:09,520 Relax, Stewie. The only person who could possibly know the taste of Folgers 262 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,356 would be an older white man who works in public education. 263 00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:14,817 I would like a cup of coffee, please. 264 00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:17,653 - Oh. - [audience laughing] 265 00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:20,072 {\an8}[announcer in Japanese] 266 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:27,580 [group laughing] 267 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,583 Dad, you promised you'd follow all the rules. 268 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,460 I told you, no horseplay. 269 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:35,004 [chuckles] We're having big rassle fights 270 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,882 'cause it's the only way we know how to express affection. 271 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,550 - Gonna get you, Peter! - Me too! 272 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,762 And not because I love you and I don't have the words to say it. 273 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,431 I'm just having normal fun without all that mess. 274 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,224 Okay, guys. Out of the pool. 275 00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:50,394 I gave you a chance and you blew it. You're kicked out of the park. 276 00:12:50,394 --> 00:12:52,396 - What? - Go home. 277 00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,856 I'm kicking you out. 278 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,149 Gotta catch me first. 279 00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,067 Just try to get me out of the deep end 280 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:59,904 with these long-legged, short-torso giants. 281 00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:01,697 [Peter groans] 282 00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:03,324 Dad! 283 00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:07,620 Oh, my God. He's not breathing. 284 00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:12,750 [whistle as Ray Romano] Okay, guys. Come on, now. 285 00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:14,168 Please breathe, Dad. 286 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,058 Hey. 287 00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:30,726 Hey. 288 00:13:31,393 --> 00:13:34,063 Your mouth was on my mouth. 289 00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,648 Uh, I think. 290 00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:37,149 Maybe a little. 291 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:38,359 Yeah. 292 00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,236 My God, Peter. That's your daughter. 293 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:41,529 Adopted daughter? 294 00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,697 No, Woody. Just-- Just regular daughter. 295 00:13:43,697 --> 00:13:44,907 Oh, ye-- yeah, then ew. 296 00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:46,367 That's-- [stammers] That's wrong. Ew. 297 00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:57,711 Okay, so our mouths were totally touching each other. 298 00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,255 Y-- Yes. 299 00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,674 But that's okay. That's okay. 'Cause you were saving my life. 300 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,008 - So it's not weird. - Right! 301 00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:05,970 It's not we-- It's the opposite of weird. 302 00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:07,304 Yeah. The opposite. Right. Yeah. 303 00:14:07,304 --> 00:14:09,557 And anyway, we could just say this never happened, right? 304 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,016 'Cause nobody even saw us. 305 00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:13,269 [crowd laughing] 306 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,979 Ooh, they're all distracted. 307 00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:17,356 Other urban kids, this is our chance! 308 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,740 Stewie, what are we gonna do? 309 00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:30,578 If we serve coffee to Principal Shepherd, he's gonna recognize that it's Folgers. 310 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:31,912 I say we wait him out. 311 00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:36,667 Any middle-aged white man can be ignored indefinitely unless he clears his throat. 312 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:37,835 [clears throat] 313 00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:39,169 Well, we're out of moves. 314 00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,005 Um, hi. How may I help you? 315 00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:42,965 I would like a cup of coffee. 316 00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:45,801 Ye-- Yes, sir. Uh, coming right up. 317 00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:14,371 Wait a minute. This is Folgers instant coffee. 318 00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:15,831 [patrons gasp] 319 00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,958 I would know. We served it at my wedding. 320 00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:19,668 Yes, everyone. We admit it. 321 00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:21,962 We didn't have our normal coffee beans on hand, 322 00:15:21,962 --> 00:15:24,048 and so we've been serving you the cheap stuff. 323 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:25,591 You're all drinking Folgers. 324 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:28,886 That's awesome. 325 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:30,387 It-- It is? 326 00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:31,597 Heck yeah, man. 327 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:34,183 We're, like, paying way a lot of our parents' money 328 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,226 for our parents' own cheap coffee? 329 00:15:36,226 --> 00:15:39,438 That's kinda meta. Like, seriously alt and "iro." 330 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,190 [patrons chattering] 331 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:43,609 Well, that went different from how I expected. 332 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:46,528 Yep. Kids these days are pretty forgiving and tolerant. 333 00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:50,574 This dog and baby are banned from society forever 'cause of an Internet thing! 334 00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:53,702 One of them keeps trying to slide into AOC's DMs. 335 00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:54,787 Brian? 336 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,748 She's hot, but we're supposed to pretend she's not. 337 00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,541 Well, who's that red lipstick for? 338 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:02,544 [patrons booing] 339 00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:04,463 Well, I guess the coffee shop's available. 340 00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,173 Roast Busters. 341 00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:07,383 Good luck. 342 00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:14,974 Oh, back from the water park, you two? Anything unusual happen? 343 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,266 Yeah, no. 344 00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:19,228 I mean, I did mouth-to-mouth on this one guy, 345 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:22,439 but he was, like, way not blood-related. 346 00:16:22,439 --> 00:16:24,692 Okay. Guess I'll just watch the news. 347 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:29,697 Our top story: Creepy lip-lock saves a life at Quahog Water Park. 348 00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:33,117 Local man Peter Griffin was revived by a game of tonsil-hockey 349 00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:35,202 with lifeguard Meg Griffin, who-- 350 00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:38,455 I'm placing my hand over my ear and pretending to get new information-- 351 00:16:38,455 --> 00:16:40,124 is his own daughter? 352 00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:42,418 Babe, it's not what you think. 353 00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,546 Yeah, I was just saving his life. He means nothing to me. 354 00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:49,550 I wanna believe that, Meg, but look what people are saying on Facebook. 355 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:54,013 "This is wrong," Bonnie Swanson. "So not okay," Donna Brown. 356 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:58,142 "Russia USA number one support," woman's face with Getty Image watermark. 357 00:16:58,142 --> 00:17:00,269 Our family is a laughingstock! 358 00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:03,772 Why are you being like this? I was just doing my job. 359 00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:05,274 I know, but I'm sorry. 360 00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:09,028 It's-- [sighs] It's just weird. I feel humiliated. 361 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,488 If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette alone, 362 00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:14,867 which is how TV depicts a woman at her lowest point emotionally. 363 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,704 - This is insane. - Yeah, when are people gonna grow up? 364 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:22,332 [singsongy] Peter and Megan sitting in a tree. 365 00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:24,293 K-I-S-S-- 366 00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:26,545 Um, 367 00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:30,424 - E-N-G. - [bell dings] 368 00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,551 [announcer] And Chris Griffin is eliminated, 369 00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:36,555 which means Boopresh Armiteg will repeat as National Spelling champion. 370 00:17:36,555 --> 00:17:37,639 [applause] 371 00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:39,683 Congrats to his always-frowning Indian parents 372 00:17:39,683 --> 00:17:41,518 joylessly clapping in the audience. 373 00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,067 Guys, we called this meeting 374 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,611 because there are a lot of hurtful rumors swirling around, 375 00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:51,862 and we have something to say. 376 00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:54,323 - Right. Meg and I are in love. - You guys are being stupid. 377 00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:58,535 What? No. Dad, we're telling them that they're idiots and to cut it out. 378 00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,829 Right. I-- That's what I meant. I-- I'm all confused. 379 00:18:00,829 --> 00:18:04,666 I-- I'm not in love with Meg. I-- I ju-- I need to return a ring to Zales. 380 00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,794 [sobbing, grunting] 381 00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:08,879 [both gasp] 382 00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:12,007 Oh, my God. Your father's not breathing. 383 00:18:12,007 --> 00:18:13,926 Meg, you have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 384 00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:16,303 Me? You do it. You're his wife. 385 00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:18,514 I need at least four beers to get there, Meg. 386 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,724 Besides, you're the only one who knows how. 387 00:18:20,724 --> 00:18:23,936 No way. I already did it once, and it made my life hell. 388 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:27,773 Meg, please. This is our father. Probably. 389 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,233 What's that supposed to mean? 390 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:33,237 We've all heard stories of your time on the Hoobastank tour bus. 391 00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:35,781 Meg, your father is dying, and he needs you, 392 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,783 and I am not gonna sit here and apologize 393 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,953 for what I may or may not have done with the Hoobastank bassist. 394 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,414 "Hoobastank bassist"? You don't even know the guy's name. 395 00:18:44,414 --> 00:18:46,333 They've had, like, five bass players. 396 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,919 And anyway, it's not like I was writing down names. 397 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:50,003 [Peter pants] 398 00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:53,632 What's the big deal? 399 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:56,885 You stick your tongue down Dad's throat. Most natural thing in the world. 400 00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:58,262 Where the hell have you been? 401 00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,681 Brian and I did a coffeehouse thing. I don't know. 402 00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:02,057 [phone ringing] 403 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:05,769 I have to take this. 404 00:19:05,769 --> 00:19:07,229 - [phone beeps] - Hey, you. 405 00:19:07,229 --> 00:19:08,355 Listen, Meg. 406 00:19:08,355 --> 00:19:10,399 I'm glad you saved my life at the pool, 407 00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:12,651 but I'm sorry I came there in the first place. 408 00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:16,530 Everyone deserves a place of their own, and I get that now. 409 00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,740 I promise I'll treat you better in the future. 410 00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:23,078 You know, we've had conversations like this again and again 411 00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:25,164 and nothing ever changes. 412 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,832 You're a terrible father, 413 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:29,334 and I'm counting the days till I move out of this house. 414 00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:32,296 Okay, but-- but what if, in the spirit of inclusion, 415 00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:34,506 I tell you I love you in sign language? 416 00:19:39,803 --> 00:19:42,222 Oh, I love you too, Dad. 417 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:47,227 [Peter] But this never happened because no one resuscitated me. 418 00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:48,770 I did wake up eventually, 419 00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:51,857 but now, I need help feeding and bathing myself. 420 00:19:51,857 --> 00:19:53,901 I spend most of my days getting walked around 421 00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:56,445 by a nurse who talks to her sister on her phone. 422 00:19:56,445 --> 00:19:59,323 [nurse] Whoa, hold up. Mom gave you the necklace? 423 00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:00,741 [Peter] That's her now. 424 00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:09,374 Well, Meg, I gotta say I'm proud of you for going to that water park each day 425 00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:10,959 and working a job that you love. 426 00:20:10,959 --> 00:20:12,961 - Oh, I quit that place. - What? 427 00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:16,506 Yeah. The weather turned two degrees cooler than I like, so I just bailed. 428 00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,300 That's the girl I raised. 429 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,511 Yay. Our generation folds at nothing. 430 00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:24,056 And, Stewie, I'm sorry our coffeehouse didn't work out. 431 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,058 Wonder how Principal Shepherd's doing with it. 432 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,602 Yeah. I hear he's going with a "teachers' lounge" theme. 433 00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:33,148 Your entire pastry case is just Tupperware with people's names written in Sharpie. 434 00:20:33,148 --> 00:20:36,401 Don't forget this sad box of doughnuts cut into quarters. 435 00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:40,489 Everyone, let's all talk about things that parents have told us in confidence. 436 00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,368 {\an8}[announcer] Principal Shepherd's "Teachers' Lounge and Coffee House." 437 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:47,246 {\an8}It's kind of like Abbott Elementary, which is amazing! 438 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,874 {\an8}Amazing! You gotta watch it! Oh, my God!