1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:08,174
♪ It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
2
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:11,928
♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
3
00:00:11,928 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
4
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,726
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
5
00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
6
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,858
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:30,071
♪ He's a family guy ♪
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00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:37,328
{\an8}Ah! Homecoming games are so exciting.
10
00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:40,373
{\an8}It's like Friday Night Lights
and I'm Connie Britton.
11
00:00:40,373 --> 00:00:41,583
{\an8}Wrong and nope.
12
00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,668
{\an8}God, I wish I was the coach
in the locker room
13
00:00:43,668 --> 00:00:45,920
{\an8}giving an inspiring speech to the players.
14
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,965
Gonna tell you the one thing
every football player needs to know.
15
00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:51,009
When you kill yourself,
don't touch the brain,
16
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,802
'cause they gotta take it out
and look at it.
17
00:00:52,802 --> 00:00:53,887
Yeah!
18
00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:04,022
{\an8}Oh, no. It's Gayle, the PTA president
19
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,733
{\an8}whose passive aggression can drain
your life force.
20
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:11,905
Hi, Lois Griffin. So you did know
there was a game.
21
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,908
Oh, hi, Gayle. Yeah, I knew.
22
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,785
I'll take those cupcakes you made.
23
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:19,746
Oh. You don't seem
to have any to donate.
24
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:22,582
No, I didn't have the time.
25
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,918
You have three kids. I totally get it.
26
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,420
I have four, and I work.
27
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,672
Sometimes it's hard to read a short email.
28
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Spam folder?
29
00:01:32,008 --> 00:01:34,177
Oh, spam folder. Yes.
30
00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,428
I don't have that problem
31
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,972
because most of us got rid
of AOL years ago.
32
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:40,683
If you'll excuse me,
33
00:01:40,683 --> 00:01:44,521
I have to go find my husband
who makes $220,000 a year.
34
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:50,026
You lose.
35
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:57,951
{\an8}Welcome to the Adam West High School
homecoming game.
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00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:02,956
{\an8}If anyone is here to shoot the place up,
please do it after the halftime show.
37
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:04,457
{\an8}The girls have worked very hard.
38
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:09,295
{\an8}But first, join me as we say goodbye to
Adam West High's longest-serving teacher,
39
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:10,922
{\an8}Mr. Trampledon.
40
00:02:10,922 --> 00:02:16,553
{\an8}He's retiring after 50 years and is known
these days as the last teacher in school
41
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:21,266
{\an8}to employ a paddle and/or closed fist
on misbehaving students.
42
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:26,521
{\an8}He was formally asked to stop doing that
last week and decided just to retire.
43
00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:28,690
{\an8}And he'd better step lively or--
44
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:35,697
{\an8}And tonight's game is dedicated
to the memory of Mr. Trampledon.
45
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:38,741
{\an8}And now, give it up
for our homecoming king and queen.
46
00:02:38,741 --> 00:02:40,910
{\an8}They're off to never leave town
47
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:44,038
{\an8}and slowly decay before our eyes.
48
00:02:44,038 --> 00:02:48,334
{\an8}Next up, crowning our homecoming dunce,
Chris Griffin.
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00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,919
{\an8}This is Chris Griffin's fourth win
50
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,671
{\an8}for Adam West High homecoming dunce,
51
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:53,965
{\an8}even though he's only a sophomore.
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00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:56,968
Four years in a row
is nothing to be proud of.
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00:02:57,635 --> 00:02:59,137
{\an8}Dynasty.
54
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:05,727
We now return to Hulu's
Pam and Tommy Lee Jones.
55
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:09,397
{\an8}Baby, are you gonna steer the boat
with your penis?
56
00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:12,317
{\an8}Why would I engage in such foolishness?
57
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,110
{\an8}How you feeling after yesterday, Chris?
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00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:15,195
{\an8}Terrible.
59
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:20,074
{\an8}Every year I'm the homecoming dunce
and every year the bullying gets worse.
60
00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,160
{\an8}Hello, everyone.
61
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,703
{\an8}I have some news.
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00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:27,290
{\an8}I got an email from the school saying
they're looking for a substitute teacher
63
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:28,917
{\an8}to replace Mr. Trampledon,
64
00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:31,002
{\an8}and I applied,
65
00:03:31,002 --> 00:03:32,337
{\an8}and they accepted!
66
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:33,671
What?
- Seriously?
67
00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:35,924
{\an8}I don't know if that's mute-the-TV news.
68
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,217
Mom, you can't.
69
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,219
Don't you need a master's degree to teach?
70
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:42,889
A master's degree is needed,
and I told them I had one.
71
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,975
- You lied?
- I manifested success.
72
00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:49,020
I'm a woman in her forties, so I manifest.
73
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,607
Lying is just me taking action steps
over the truth.
74
00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:54,484
The corpse of the truth.
75
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,444
I-- You can't just say you're a teacher.
76
00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:57,528
Oh, no?
77
00:03:57,528 --> 00:04:01,658
Every other man these days throws on
a dress and suddenly he's a woman, so--
78
00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:08,665
Okay. I met with community leaders,
and I'm going to learn and listen.
79
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,208
Anyway, I'm a teacher now.
80
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:12,585
You saw how unpopular I am at school.
81
00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:15,672
Having my mother as a teacher
will make things worse.
82
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,257
No, I thought about that, Chris,
83
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:21,094
which is why I applied
under the name Lois Pewterschmidt.
84
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:24,806
But you've taught at Adam West before.
People won't fall for it.
85
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,724
Oh, maybe I'll wear a blonde wig.
86
00:04:26,724 --> 00:04:30,770
Might even add a sexy beauty mark
so I look like Marilyn Monroe,
87
00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:31,854
or Cindy Crawford...
88
00:04:31,854 --> 00:04:33,606
...or Eva Mendes.
89
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:36,025
Or Gabriel Macht, the guy from Suits.
90
00:04:36,025 --> 00:04:40,405
That won't work. I don't want this.
I'm going to Bonnie's room!
91
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,572
You mean your room?
92
00:04:41,572 --> 00:04:43,616
No, Bonnie's room.
93
00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:49,622
Yeah. First Wednesday of every month,
Bonnie visits her mom in the home.
94
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:50,707
Oh.
95
00:04:51,457 --> 00:04:53,459
You know, when she and I do this,
96
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:56,129
the first person to solve
the final puzzle on Wheel
97
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,047
doesn't have to pay for the pizza.
98
00:04:58,047 --> 00:05:01,301
Yeah. Well, uh, Bonnie's not here.
99
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,435
Glad to have you aboard,
Miss Pewterschmidt.
100
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:13,771
Let's show you around.
There's our BLM banner.
101
00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:18,067
That should probably come down.
I think we're all done with that.
102
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,902
And our trophy case.
103
00:05:19,902 --> 00:05:23,656
We don't have many, so I've filled it out
with other items of achievement.
104
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,325
Oh, is that you and--
105
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,327
Counting Crows, yes.
106
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:28,661
If you have an Amex Platinum,
107
00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:31,289
you can use points and get backstage
at select concerts.
108
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,249
You have an Amex Platinum?
109
00:05:33,249 --> 00:05:37,920
Nah, I was tenth caller on the radio.
No yearly fees on a fast dialing finger.
110
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,088
Life hack!
111
00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:43,009
Students, here's your new
substitute teacher, Miss Pewterschmidt.
112
00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:44,469
Hello, people.
113
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:48,139
What a nice group of young,
fresh, unknown faces.
114
00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:50,850
Whoa. Check it out. A blonde.
115
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,353
That means she starts
at a B-minus.
116
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,854
Look at that body.
117
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:58,816
Today I'm learning numbers. 36-24-36.
118
00:05:58,816 --> 00:06:03,279
Oh, I wanna know when this went
from history class to woodshop.
119
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:07,116
Oh,
doing too much physical stuff.
120
00:06:07,116 --> 00:06:10,411
Oh, my God. They're all leering at my mom.
121
00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:13,873
This is more embarrassing than
when Dad ruined my birthday party.
122
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,667
Dad, is it almost time for the piñata?
123
00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:18,419
Dad?
124
00:06:19,253 --> 00:06:20,463
Dad?
125
00:06:20,463 --> 00:06:23,257
Chris, I think I screwed up
the party job assignments.
126
00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:26,260
Ow, damn it.
I'm not full of candy. I'm a guy.
127
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:28,971
Oh, I am full of candy.
128
00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:32,350
Wait a minute. If I'm full of candy,
where are my insides?
129
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:34,435
I did it! I'm alive!
130
00:06:34,435 --> 00:06:37,105
Now to move in with my sister,
Hilaria Baldwin!
131
00:06:53,871 --> 00:06:57,625
Oh, no. Cinematic text messages
give everything away.
132
00:06:57,625 --> 00:06:59,752
So, Griffin,
what's your problem?
133
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:02,130
- What did you say?
- What?
134
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,882
- I said, what did you say?
- What?
135
00:07:04,882 --> 00:07:08,678
This might go easier if you
just let me sit at the cool kids' table.
136
00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:15,726
Wow. I can't believe
I'm at the cool kids' table.
137
00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:16,853
Hi, I'm Cody.
138
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:18,729
Uh, here's some bread to start you off,
139
00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:21,065
and I'll be back in a moment
to take your orders.
140
00:07:21,065 --> 00:07:23,401
Wow. Are those Parmesan crisps?
141
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,319
You can have the pumpernickel stick.
142
00:07:25,319 --> 00:07:27,613
Oh, that's the only thing I don't want.
143
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,699
So why were you weird
with Miss Pewterschmidt?
144
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,451
We're teens. We're horny for everything.
145
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:34,203
If something's not totally repulsive,
it's hot.
146
00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:35,538
Don't you think she's hot?
147
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:39,876
Yeah,
I guess she's a total hottie.
148
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:43,087
What would you do with her?
Like, if you went home with her tonight.
149
00:07:43,087 --> 00:07:48,134
Well, we'd eat dinner, talk a bit
and then go upstairs and straight to bed.
150
00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,470
There you go. Now you're talking.
151
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,680
Guys, a table just opened up
on the terrace.
152
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:53,848
Oh, perfect.
153
00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:55,308
Oh, no. We'll get that.
154
00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:00,438
I didn't even need the sweater.
155
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,856
So Miss P., huh?
156
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:06,027
I tell ya, I'd jump up her poodle skirt
and say, "I'm the dog catcher."
157
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:11,324
Man, it's like nobody can see or hear me.
158
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:14,494
Things have been weird ever since me
and Frenchy were drag racing
159
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,828
for pink slips and--
160
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,541
Wait a minute. Am I dead?
161
00:08:20,541 --> 00:08:22,543
- Yes, you are.
- You can see me?
162
00:08:22,543 --> 00:08:26,422
I can see all the dead.
It is my gift and my curse.
163
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,384
Hey, Meg.
The, uh, ghost toilet is clogged again.
164
00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:32,220
Requires a human fist.
165
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,519
Quick, Chris. Get in.
166
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:44,649
You see what I see?
167
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:47,527
Griffin's getting in the car
with Miss Pewterschmidt.
168
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,820
Oh! You work fast, dude!
169
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,241
Quick, Chris. Get down.
170
00:08:53,824 --> 00:08:56,452
Whoa! Griffin's a selfless lover.
171
00:08:56,452 --> 00:08:58,746
It's so great he's having sex.
172
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:06,254
♪ Guy friends getting horny
About their guy friends having sex ♪
173
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,047
There's nothing wrong with it.
174
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:18,516
I'm beginning to think this whole teaching
thing is a lot easier than they let on.
175
00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,685
Kids, when you're bagging groceries,
176
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:23,563
do you ever wonder
who invented the shopping bag?
177
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,147
Margaret Knight.
- It was Margaret--
178
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:26,440
You saw it on the board!
179
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:30,444
Griffin, we saw you driving away
with Miss Pewterschmidt yesterday.
180
00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:31,529
Did you score?
181
00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:34,323
If you closed the deal with a teacher,
you'll be a legend forever.
182
00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:40,246
Well, let's just say
she and I slept together
183
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:42,248
under the same roof.
184
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,749
All right!
185
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:46,043
Of course, we had dinner first.
186
00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:47,253
There you go.
187
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:51,465
And then I ate her Outback Steakhouse
salad which she didn't want.
188
00:09:51,465 --> 00:09:55,720
As someone who only listens
to the first half of sentences, nice.
189
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,888
- She single?
- No, she's married.
190
00:09:57,888 --> 00:09:59,682
Her husband was there all night.
191
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:03,644
I think they live together more as brother
and sister than husband and wife.
192
00:10:03,644 --> 00:10:05,855
Oh, happens to a lot of couples, I hear.
193
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,565
There's a bit more going on.
194
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:10,776
I don't think there's a lot of dew left
on his lily, right?
195
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:12,361
You know what, Griffin?
196
00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:16,115
We're gonna carry you out
on our shoulders because of sex.
197
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,700
All right. Just be careful.
198
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,910
Easy. I'm husky.
199
00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:22,747
Falling six feet for me
is like nine feet for others.
200
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,373
I don't feel supported.
201
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,086
Well, Chris Griffin.
202
00:10:29,086 --> 00:10:32,381
Uh, hello, Miss Pewterschmidt.
203
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,050
I'm so proud of you.
204
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:35,801
I know you didn't want me
to be your teacher,
205
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:38,846
but it's such a thrill
to see you making new friends.
206
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,556
See you later, Chris Griffin.
207
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:44,518
Hey, stud. The cheerleading squad
decorated your locker.
208
00:10:44,518 --> 00:10:46,729
We do that for all the boys who score.
209
00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:49,023
Wow. You guys decorated my locker?
210
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:51,108
Well, the male cheerleaders did.
211
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:57,406
We decorated it in what is known
as the Hollywood Regency style.
212
00:10:57,406 --> 00:11:00,743
A delightful blend
of art deco themes and silhouettes.
213
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:03,871
Did you notice the pop of color?
The pop of color was my idea.
214
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,669
Hey, I heard a weird rumor about you.
215
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:13,214
Oh, that I took a trip to Jamaica
and my room was robbed of everything
216
00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:14,965
except my camera and toothbrush,
217
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:18,302
and then I carried on using my toothbrush,
as one does on vacation,
218
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:21,847
but when I got home, I developed my film
and there was a picture of a Jamaican man
219
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:24,308
using my Oral-B as his anal-B?
220
00:11:24,975 --> 00:11:28,479
Yeah, it sort of happened.
But I was the Jamaican man.
221
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:33,359
No, people are saying you're sleeping
with "Miss Pewterschmidt," who is Mom.
222
00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:34,985
You do know she's Mom, right?
223
00:11:34,985 --> 00:11:36,404
I know she's Mom,
224
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:40,032
and I may have said some things
that made people think we're having sex.
225
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,493
But the guys in class now think I'm cool.
226
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:44,870
Chris, Mom could get arrested.
227
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:46,956
Well, Mom knew when she took this job
228
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:49,875
there was a chance
we'd wind up pretend banging.
229
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:52,294
I'm not going back to being unpopular.
230
00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:55,506
Well, Chris,
tell me just one thing about Mom.
231
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:56,966
Is she bigger than me?
232
00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:00,720
This program is now TV-MA
because of what Meg just said.
233
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:09,812
Gotta say, I'm pretty beat...
...sleeping with Miss Pewterschmidt.
234
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:12,064
But we're not sleeping, you know?
235
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:14,859
It's hard to sleep
when you're doing stuff.
236
00:12:15,609 --> 00:12:19,196
Yeah. But what did you do exactly?
237
00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:22,324
Well, she has this whole mom thing
going on.
238
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:25,578
Last night, she scolded me
for tracking mud in the living room,
239
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:28,914
obviously trying to get me
out of my shoes.
240
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,125
Ooh, what a turn-on.
241
00:12:31,125 --> 00:12:34,462
That's not sex.
Tell us exactly what sex you and she did.
242
00:12:35,546 --> 00:12:36,797
Come on, Chris.
243
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:40,217
You've seen thousands of hours of porn.
You can do this.
244
00:12:40,217 --> 00:12:43,971
Well, Miss Pewterschmidt
was a braless real estate agent
245
00:12:43,971 --> 00:12:47,767
who was showing me a large, mostly empty
home in Van Nuys, California,
246
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,519
and she'd do anything to make the sale.
247
00:12:50,519 --> 00:12:54,064
I showed her a thick wad of ones
and we were off to the races
248
00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:57,526
on a brown leather couch
next to an empty CD tower.
249
00:12:57,526 --> 00:12:58,694
That's just porn.
250
00:12:58,694 --> 00:13:00,696
Yeah, you're just making
this whole thing up.
251
00:13:00,696 --> 00:13:03,449
No, we really had sex!
252
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,367
I mean, the house purchase
fell through, though,
253
00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,286
because of some issues with the appraisal.
254
00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:09,413
But that's not uncommon in this market.
255
00:13:09,413 --> 00:13:13,584
We want a picture, a naked picture
of Miss P., or you're a liar.
256
00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:15,127
A naked picture?
257
00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:20,049
Okay. But... [grunts] ...I have to warn you,
sometimes she looks exactly like
258
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:22,802
Halle Berry bent over the sofa
in Monster's Ball.
259
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,054
Get us a naked picture of her.
260
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:28,432
And until then,
go sit with the angry hearing aid kids.
261
00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:41,028
Oh, look who it is, Mr. Popular.
262
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:44,824
Oh, hear who it is, Mr. Popular.
263
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,455
Okay, Chris, you can do this.
264
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:54,124
Plenty of people have taken
nude pictures of their mom.
265
00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:58,462
Possibly Liz Hurley's weirdly pretty son
with whom she seems entirely too close.
266
00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:17,648
I can't. I can't.
267
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:20,901
It's my mom. I'm not a dirtbag.
268
00:14:20,901 --> 00:14:22,653
Psst. Chris.
269
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:28,284
That it has even gone this far
means you are a dirtbag. Own it.
270
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,369
I don't know, Mr. Quagmire.
271
00:14:30,369 --> 00:14:32,454
"In order to find real happiness,
272
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:36,208
you must learn to love yourself
for the totality of who you are."
273
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:37,459
Portia de Rossi.
274
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,097
Where's the picture, Griffin?
275
00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:52,683
Ooh.
276
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,270
Awesome. Send it to us.
277
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,188
Promise you won't share it.
278
00:14:58,188 --> 00:15:00,774
Of course not. We're best pals.
279
00:15:00,774 --> 00:15:03,986
Well, we have made
a lot of memories together.
280
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:08,282
♪ So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind ♪
281
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:13,245
♪ Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time ♪
282
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:18,375
♪ Tattoos of memories
And dead skin on trial ♪
283
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:23,464
♪ For what it's worth
It was worth all the while ♪
284
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:26,175
♪ It's something unpredictable ♪
285
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,510
♪ But in the end, it's right ♪
286
00:15:28,510 --> 00:15:32,514
♪ I hope you had the time of your life ♪
287
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:37,019
Okay. I was thinking of the wrong stuff,
but I guess I can trust these guys.
288
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:56,372
"Miss Pewterschmidt is sleeping
with a student. Here's the proof."
289
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:57,456
That's her.
290
00:15:57,456 --> 00:16:01,210
And it looks like someone in her home
is using KERASILK shampoo
291
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,836
for color-treated hair.
292
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:03,921
I wonder who.
293
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:06,590
I'll never tell.
294
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:08,217
KERASILK color shampoo.
295
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:12,304
It keeps color-treated hair vibrant,
and that keeps me out of the salon.
296
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:23,065
Principal Shepherd sounded mad
when he called me in this morning.
297
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,734
Well, his ex-wife's now
garnishing his sandwiches,
298
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:27,277
and I don't mean adding parsley.
299
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:29,321
You can go in now.
300
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:32,241
He must have found out
about the master's degree.
301
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:35,452
Okay, I'll go in, and I'll just be honest.
302
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:40,708
Miss Pewterschmidt, I have
a very grave matter to discuss with you.
303
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,585
And I know what it is. I'm guilty.
304
00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:46,255
Well, I appreciate the honesty.
305
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:49,800
I mean, I did the same thing
at my son's preschool and no one cared.
306
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,262
- Wha--
- I just want to touch kids, and I have.
307
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:55,139
All of them. Even the girls.
308
00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:59,018
One boy was unhappy with his D
and I promised to help him get it up.
309
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,853
Then it was cram, cram, cram.
310
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,564
I'm close to
breaking my pencil in outrage.
311
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:07,985
One boy's a little slow,
but I whisper in his ear, "You can do it."
312
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:10,863
And the smile on his face
when he finishes...
313
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:14,199
Miss Pewterschmidt,
you cannot sleep with students!
314
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:16,660
What? No, never!
315
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:20,330
Now, I thought you were talking about
me lying about having a master's degree.
316
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:24,209
Oh, no, no, no. Take a look at
my master's on the wall there.
317
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:28,672
"The Harvard Yale Principal School
of the Republic of Cuervo."
318
00:17:28,672 --> 00:17:30,007
We all lie.
319
00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:33,677
Who's gonna pay for a master's
to teach at the high school level?
320
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:37,347
But still, how did a student get
this nude photo of you?
321
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,183
Oh, my.
322
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:43,771
Okay, I don't hate that angle,
but I-I think I know who took this.
323
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:47,024
I'll take care of it.
And-And can you send me the photo, please?
324
00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,860
Can you delete it from your phone?
325
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,196
Of course. Click.
326
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,031
All you did was say, "Click."
327
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:55,532
It's an old phone.
328
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:01,872
Hey, I hear you're doing it with
a teacher, huh? I'm proud of you.
329
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,917
They say her husband's
got no more dew on the lily.
330
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,795
Christopher Cross Griffin. How could you?
331
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:09,254
Oh, hi, Mom.
332
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:13,133
Peter, your son told everyone
that he and I were sleeping together
333
00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:15,803
and then-- then he sent
a nude photo of me to his friends
334
00:18:15,803 --> 00:18:17,471
and now it's all over school.
335
00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:20,057
The soap acts
like a bikini hiding everything.
336
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,684
There's a subreddit for that.
Let me see if it's there yet.
337
00:18:22,684 --> 00:18:25,687
I'm sorry. I didn't think
it would get around.
338
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:31,610
Chris, if people think I'm sleeping
with a student, I could go to jail.
339
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:35,447
Okay, now you are gonna march into school
tomorrow and tell everyone the truth.
340
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:38,909
I just wanted to be in
with the cool kids no matter what.
341
00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:41,703
I saw popularity, and I went for it.
342
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:45,707
Oh, honey,
you wanted something and you lied.
343
00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:47,501
You were manifesting.
344
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:50,462
I wouldn't use that awful term, but yes.
345
00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:56,385
You made it. "Soapkinis." Lot of upvotes.
346
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:59,930
You know, Chris, I bet
your new friends will admire your honesty.
347
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:01,807
You're brutally naive.
348
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:05,477
You're also on the subreddits
"over 40 gone wild," "mom bod,"
349
00:19:05,477 --> 00:19:08,063
and you're even the alluring photo
that gets me to click on a link
350
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,815
about celebrity bankruptcies.
351
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:13,443
"Joey Lawrence
sold his condo at a loss"?
352
00:19:14,444 --> 00:19:17,489
Come on. Let's go out
and get some ice cream, my little man.
353
00:19:17,489 --> 00:19:20,868
"Floyd Mayweather Jr. KO'd by the IRS"?
354
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,537
I don't know, Mom. People may talk.
355
00:19:23,537 --> 00:19:25,497
Not ready to laugh at this, Chris.
356
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:28,208
"Sheena Easton lives
in reduced circumstances
357
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:30,586
in Henderson, Nevada"? No!
358
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,718
Good morning, everyone.
359
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,678
I've done something terrible,
360
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:43,390
although not as terrible
as the cafeteria meat loaf.
361
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:45,184
Thought I'd open with a little humor.
362
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,728
Ha! Popular kids are always funny.
363
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:49,354
Chris, get to the point.
364
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:53,859
Well, I told many of you that I was
sleeping with Miss Pewterschmidt.
365
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:55,861
I shared a shower photo of her.
366
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:59,531
If you haven't seen it yet,
it's on the subreddit "soapkinis."
367
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,033
You're the man, Chris.
368
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:04,411
No, I'm a liar. None of that happened.
369
00:20:04,411 --> 00:20:08,081
Mo-- uh, I mean, Miss Pewterschmidt
is an excellent teacher
370
00:20:08,081 --> 00:20:09,791
who would never do such a thing.
371
00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:14,880
I hope everyone can forgive me
and see that I just wanted a few friends.
372
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:16,506
Loser.
Liar.
373
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,133
Real cough. Long COVID.
374
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:26,058
Now, hold on, hold on.
Let me tell you all the truth.
375
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:29,311
Chris Griffin was
the biggest thing I ever had.
376
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,107
Oh, I thought I was gonna break in two.
377
00:20:34,107 --> 00:20:36,902
He was 22 inches and 11 pounds.
378
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:40,155
But I knew he was gonna
change my life for the better.
379
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:42,324
Yeah! Chris Griffin!
380
00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:53,502
Mom got six years
for sex with a minor.
381
00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:56,046
Asher died in an e-bike accident.
382
00:20:56,046 --> 00:21:00,092
And as for me, I married
Liz Hurley's strangely attractive son.
383
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:03,470
My name is Chris Griffin Hurley.
I took his name.