♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's a family guy ♪
Ah! Homecoming games are so exciting.
It's like Friday Night Lights and I'm Connie Britton.
Wrong and nope.
God, I wish I was the coach in the locker room
giving an inspiring speech to the players.
Gonna tell you the one thing every football player needs to know.
When you kill yourself, don't touch the brain,
'cause they gotta take it out and look at it.
[all] Yeah!
[cheering]
Oh, no. It's Gayle, the PTA president
whose passive aggression can drain your life force.
[video game beeps]
Hi, Lois Griffin. So you did know there was a game.
- [smacks] - Oh, hi, Gayle. Yeah, I knew.
I'll take those cupcakes you made.
[gasps] Oh. You don't seem to have any to donate.
- [smacks] - No, I didn't have the time.
You have three kids. I totally get it.
I have four, and I work.
Sometimes it's hard to read a short email.
[smacks]
Spam folder?
Oh, spam folder. Yes.
I don't have that problem
because most of us got rid of AOL years ago.
[smacks intensify]
If you'll excuse me,
I have to go find my husband who makes $220,000 a year.
[smacks intensify]
[screams]
[announcer] You lose.
[video game audience cheers]
Welcome to the Adam West High School homecoming game.
If anyone is here to shoot the place up, please do it after the halftime show.
The girls have worked very hard.
But first, join me as we say goodbye to Adam West High's longest-serving teacher,
Mr. Trampledon.
He's retiring after 50 years and is known these days as the last teacher in school
to employ a paddle and/or closed fist on misbehaving students.
He was formally asked to stop doing that last week and decided just to retire.
And he'd better step lively or--
- [grunts] - [cheering]
And tonight's game is dedicated to the memory of Mr. Trampledon.
And now, give it up for our homecoming king and queen.
- [applause] - They're off to never leave town
and slowly decay before our eyes.
Next up, crowning our homecoming dunce, Chris Griffin.
[announcer 2] This is Chris Griffin's fourth win
for Adam West High homecoming dunce,
even though he's only a sophomore.
[groans] Four years in a row is nothing to be proud of.
Dynasty.
[TV announcer] We now return to Hulu's Pam and Tommy Lee Jones.
Baby, are you gonna steer the boat with your penis?
Why would I engage in such foolishness?
How you feeling after yesterday, Chris?
Terrible.
Every year I'm the homecoming dunce and every year the bullying gets worse.
Hello, everyone.
I have some news.
I got an email from the school saying they're looking for a substitute teacher
to replace Mr. Trampledon,
and I applied,
and they accepted!
- [stammers] What? - Seriously?
I don't know if that's mute-the-TV news.
Mom, you can't.
Don't you need a master's degree to teach?
A master's degree is needed, and I told them I had one.
- You lied? - I manifested success.
I'm a woman in her forties, so I manifest.
Lying is just me taking action steps over the truth.
The corpse of the truth.
I-- You can't just say you're a teacher.
Oh, no?
Every other man these days throws on a dress and suddenly he's a woman, so--
Okay. I met with community leaders, and I'm going to learn and listen.
Anyway, I'm a teacher now.
You saw how unpopular I am at school.
Having my mother as a teacher will make things worse.
No, I thought about that, Chris,
which is why I applied under the name Lois Pewterschmidt.
But you've taught at Adam West before. People won't fall for it.
Oh, maybe I'll wear a blonde wig.
[gasps] Might even add a sexy beauty mark so I look like Marilyn Monroe,
or Cindy Crawford...
[gasps] ...or Eva Mendes.
Or Gabriel Macht, the guy from Suits.
That won't work. I don't want this. I'm going to Bonnie's room!
You mean your room?
No, Bonnie's room.
[applause on TV]
Yeah. First Wednesday of every month, Bonnie visits her mom in the home.
Oh.
You know, when she and I do this,
the first person to solve the final puzzle on Wheel
doesn't have to pay for the pizza.
Yeah. Well, uh, Bonnie's not here.
Glad to have you aboard, Miss Pewterschmidt.
Let's show you around. There's our BLM banner.
That should probably come down. I think we're all done with that.
And our trophy case.
We don't have many, so I've filled it out with other items of achievement.
[Lois] Oh, is that you and--
Counting Crows, yes.
If you have an Amex Platinum,
you can use points and get backstage at select concerts.
You have an Amex Platinum?
Nah, I was tenth caller on the radio. No yearly fees on a fast dialing finger.
Life hack!
Students, here's your new substitute teacher, Miss Pewterschmidt.
Hello, people.
What a nice group of young, fresh, unknown faces.
Whoa. Check it out. A blonde.
[chuckles] That means she starts at a B-minus.
Look at that body.
Today I'm learning numbers. 36-24-36.
Oh, I wanna know when this went from history class to woodshop.
[grunts] Oh, doing too much physical stuff.
Oh, my God. They're all leering at my mom.
This is more embarrassing than when Dad ruined my birthday party.
Dad, is it almost time for the piñata?
Dad?
Chris, I think I screwed up the party job assignments.
Ow, damn it. I'm not full of candy. I'm a guy.
Oh, I am full of candy.
Wait a minute. If I'm full of candy, where are my insides?
[Spanish accent] I did it! I'm alive!
Now to move in with my sister, Hilaria Baldwin!
[phone buzzes]
Oh, no. Cinematic text messages give everything away.
[student] So, Griffin, what's your problem?
- What did you say? - What?
- I said, what did you say? - What?
[grunts] This might go easier if you just let me sit at the cool kids' table.
[whispering]
Wow. I can't believe I'm at the cool kids' table.
Hi, I'm Cody.
Uh, here's some bread to start you off,
and I'll be back in a moment to take your orders.
Wow. Are those Parmesan crisps?
You can have the pumpernickel stick.
Oh, that's the only thing I don't want.
So why were you weird with Miss Pewterschmidt?
We're teens. We're horny for everything.
If something's not totally repulsive, it's hot.
Don't you think she's hot?
[chuckles] Yeah, I guess she's a total hottie.
What would you do with her? Like, if you went home with her tonight.
Well, we'd eat dinner, talk a bit and then go upstairs and straight to bed.
There you go. Now you're talking.
Guys, a table just opened up on the terrace.
Oh, perfect.
Oh, no. We'll get that.
- [chattering] - [birds chirping]
[sighs] I didn't even need the sweater.
So Miss P., huh?
I tell ya, I'd jump up her poodle skirt and say, "I'm the dog catcher."
[bell rings]
Man, it's like nobody can see or hear me.
Things have been weird ever since me and Frenchy were drag racing
for pink slips and--
Wait a minute. Am I dead?
- Yes, you are. - You can see me?
I can see all the dead. It is my gift and my curse.
Hey, Meg. The, uh, ghost toilet is clogged again.
Requires a human fist.
[sighs]
Quick, Chris. Get in.
[gasps] You see what I see?
Griffin's getting in the car with Miss Pewterschmidt.
Oh! You work fast, dude!
Quick, Chris. Get down.
Whoa! Griffin's a selfless lover.
It's so great he's having sex.
[rock music playing]
[singer] ♪ Guy friends getting horny About their guy friends having sex ♪
[announcer 3] There's nothing wrong with it.
I'm beginning to think this whole teaching thing is a lot easier than they let on.
Kids, when you're bagging groceries,
do you ever wonder who invented the shopping bag?
- [student 2] Margaret Knight. - It was Margaret--
You saw it on the board!
Griffin, we saw you driving away with Miss Pewterschmidt yesterday.
Did you score?
If you closed the deal with a teacher, you'll be a legend forever.
Well, let's just say she and I slept together
under the same roof.
All right!
Of course, we had dinner first.
There you go.
And then I ate her Outback Steakhouse salad which she didn't want.
As someone who only listens to the first half of sentences, nice.
- She single? - No, she's married.
Her husband was there all night.
I think they live together more as brother and sister than husband and wife.
Oh, happens to a lot of couples, I hear.
There's a bit more going on.
I don't think there's a lot of dew left on his lily, right?
[chuckling] You know what, Griffin?
We're gonna carry you out on our shoulders because of sex.
All right. Just be careful.
Easy. I'm husky. [chuckles]
Falling six feet for me is like nine feet for others.
[shouts] I don't feel supported.
Well, Chris Griffin.
Uh, hello, Miss Pewterschmidt.
[whispering] I'm so proud of you.
I know you didn't want me to be your teacher,
but it's such a thrill to see you making new friends.
See you later, Chris Griffin.
Hey, stud. The cheerleading squad decorated your locker.
We do that for all the boys who score.
Wow. You guys decorated my locker?
Well, the male cheerleaders did.
We decorated it in what is known as the Hollywood Regency style.
A delightful blend of art deco themes and silhouettes.
Did you notice the pop of color? The pop of color was my idea.
Hey, I heard a weird rumor about you.
Oh, that I took a trip to Jamaica and my room was robbed of everything
except my camera and toothbrush,
and then I carried on using my toothbrush, as one does on vacation,
but when I got home, I developed my film and there was a picture of a Jamaican man
using my Oral-B as his anal-B?
Yeah, it sort of happened. But I was the Jamaican man.
No, people are saying you're sleeping with "Miss Pewterschmidt," who is Mom.
You do know she's Mom, right?
I know she's Mom,
and I may have said some things that made people think we're having sex.
But the guys in class now think I'm cool.
Chris, Mom could get arrested.
Well, Mom knew when she took this job
there was a chance we'd wind up pretend banging.
I'm not going back to being unpopular.
Well, Chris, tell me just one thing about Mom.
Is she bigger than me?
[announcer 4] This program is now TV-MA because of what Meg just said.
Gotta say, I'm pretty beat... [groans] ...sleeping with Miss Pewterschmidt.
But we're not sleeping, you know?
It's hard to sleep when you're doing stuff.
Yeah. But what did you do exactly?
Well, she has this whole mom thing going on.
Last night, she scolded me for tracking mud in the living room,
obviously trying to get me out of my shoes.
Ooh, what a turn-on.
That's not sex. Tell us exactly what sex you and she did.
[gulps]
[Chris] Come on, Chris.
You've seen thousands of hours of porn. You can do this.
Well, Miss Pewterschmidt was a braless real estate agent
who was showing me a large, mostly empty home in Van Nuys, California,
and she'd do anything to make the sale.
I showed her a thick wad of ones and we were off to the races
on a brown leather couch next to an empty CD tower.
That's just porn.
Yeah, you're just making this whole thing up.
No, we really had sex!
I mean, the house purchase fell through, though,
because of some issues with the appraisal.
But that's not uncommon in this market.
We want a picture, a naked picture of Miss P., or you're a liar.
A naked picture?
Okay. But... [grunts] ...I have to warn you, sometimes she looks exactly like
Halle Berry bent over the sofa in Monster's Ball.
Get us a naked picture of her.
And until then, go sit with the angry hearing aid kids.
Oh, look who it is, Mr. Popular.
Oh, hear who it is, Mr. Popular.
[shower runs]
Okay, Chris, you can do this.
Plenty of people have taken nude pictures of their mom.
Possibly Liz Hurley's weirdly pretty son with whom she seems entirely too close.
I can't. I can't.
It's my mom. I'm not a dirtbag.
[Quagmire] Psst. Chris.
That it has even gone this far means you are a dirtbag. Own it.
I don't know, Mr. Quagmire.
"In order to find real happiness,
you must learn to love yourself for the totality of who you are."
Portia de Rossi.
Where's the picture, Griffin?
[beeps]
[both] Ooh.
Awesome. Send it to us.
Promise you won't share it.
Of course not. We're best pals.
Well, we have made a lot of memories together.
♪ So take the photographs And still frames in your mind ♪
♪ Hang it on a shelf In good health and good time ♪
♪ Tattoos of memories And dead skin on trial ♪
♪ For what it's worth It was worth all the while ♪
♪ It's something unpredictable ♪
♪ But in the end, it's right ♪
♪ I hope you had the time of your life ♪
Okay. I was thinking of the wrong stuff, but I guess I can trust these guys.
[both phones beep]
[all phones beeping]
[phone beeps]
"Miss Pewterschmidt is sleeping with a student. Here's the proof."
That's her.
And it looks like someone in her home is using KERASILK shampoo
for color-treated hair.
I wonder who.
I'll never tell.
KERASILK color shampoo.
It keeps color-treated hair vibrant, and that keeps me out of the salon.
Principal Shepherd sounded mad when he called me in this morning.
Well, his ex-wife's now garnishing his sandwiches,
and I don't mean adding parsley.
- [typewriter bell dings] - You can go in now.
[groans] He must have found out about the master's degree.
Okay, I'll go in, and I'll just be honest.
Miss Pewterschmidt, I have a very grave matter to discuss with you.
And I know what it is. I'm guilty.
Well, I appreciate the honesty.
I mean, I did the same thing at my son's preschool and no one cared.
- Wha-- - I just want to touch kids, and I have.
All of them. Even the girls.
One boy was unhappy with his D and I promised to help him get it up.
Then it was cram, cram, cram.
I'm close to breaking my pencil in outrage.
One boy's a little slow, but I whisper in his ear, "You can do it."
And the smile on his face when he finishes...
Miss Pewterschmidt, you cannot sleep with students!
What? No, never!
Now, I thought you were talking about me lying about having a master's degree.
Oh, no, no, no. Take a look at my master's on the wall there.
"The Harvard Yale Principal School of the Republic of Cuervo."
We all lie.
Who's gonna pay for a master's to teach at the high school level?
But still, how did a student get this nude photo of you?
Oh, my.
Okay, I don't hate that angle, but I-I think I know who took this.
I'll take care of it. And-And can you send me the photo, please?
[phone beeps]
Can you delete it from your phone?
Of course. Click.
All you did was say, "Click."
It's an old phone.
Hey, I hear you're doing it with a teacher, huh? I'm proud of you.
They say her husband's got no more dew on the lily.
Christopher Cross Griffin. How could you?
Oh, hi, Mom.
Peter, your son told everyone that he and I were sleeping together
and then-- then he sent a nude photo of me to his friends
and now it's all over school.
The soap acts like a bikini hiding everything.
There's a subreddit for that. Let me see if it's there yet.
I'm sorry. I didn't think it would get around.
[MacBook start-up chime]
Chris, if people think I'm sleeping with a student, I could go to jail.
Okay, now you are gonna march into school tomorrow and tell everyone the truth.
I just wanted to be in with the cool kids no matter what.
I saw popularity, and I went for it.
Oh, honey, you wanted something and you lied.
You were manifesting.
I wouldn't use that awful term, but yes.
You made it. "Soapkinis." Lot of upvotes.
You know, Chris, I bet your new friends will admire your honesty.
You're brutally naive.
You're also on the subreddits "over 40 gone wild," "mom bod,"
and you're even the alluring photo that gets me to click on a link
about celebrity bankruptcies.
[gasps] "Joey Lawrence sold his condo at a loss"?
Come on. Let's go out and get some ice cream, my little man.
"Floyd Mayweather Jr. KO'd by the IRS"?
I don't know, Mom. People may talk.
Not ready to laugh at this, Chris.
"Sheena Easton lives in reduced circumstances
in Henderson, Nevada"? No!
Good morning, everyone.
I've done something terrible,
although not as terrible as the cafeteria meat loaf. [chuckles]
Thought I'd open with a little humor.
Ha! Popular kids are always funny.
Chris, get to the point.
Well, I told many of you that I was sleeping with Miss Pewterschmidt.
I shared a shower photo of her.
If you haven't seen it yet, it's on the subreddit "soapkinis."
You're the man, Chris.
No, I'm a liar. None of that happened.
Mo-- uh, I mean, Miss Pewterschmidt is an excellent teacher
who would never do such a thing.
I hope everyone can forgive me and see that I just wanted a few friends.
- [coughing] Loser. - [coughing] Liar.
[coughing] Real cough. Long COVID.
Now, hold on, hold on. Let me tell you all the truth.
Chris Griffin was the biggest thing I ever had.
[all gasp]
Oh, I thought I was gonna break in two.
He was 22 inches and 11 pounds.
But I knew he was gonna change my life for the better.
- [cheering] - Yeah! Chris Griffin!
[Chris] Mom got six years for sex with a minor.
Asher died in an e-bike accident.
And as for me, I married Liz Hurley's strangely attractive son.
My name is Chris Griffin Hurley. I took his name.