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♪ It seems today ♪
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♪ That all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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{\an8}Good news, Peter.
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{\an8}We finally saved enough money
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{\an8}to go on a couple's vacation together.
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{\an8}We haven't traveled in years.
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{\an8}That's not true.
You made us drive to Toronto
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{\an8}to confront that sex worker
I FaceTime with.
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{\an8}Yeah, that wasn't a vacation,
that was an ultimatum.
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{\an8}And after an insultingly long pause,
I chose you.
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{\an8}We're going on a trip, Peter.
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{\an8}Aw, sweet.
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{\an8}Harold Goldfarb: Jetpack Lawyer is on.
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
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Is this so you can use your jet pack?
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Yes.
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I'll allow it.
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I'm appealing this to a higher court.
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I wish I had a jet pack.
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My life would be better.
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Ooh, 360.
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Oh, wait. 180. Very good.
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Now let's get your height.
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All right. So you're seven foot, six, 180,
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with colorectal cancer.
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I'm tall?
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{\an8}Excuse me, I'm here to renew my passport.
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{\an8}Of course, let's go take a terrible photo.
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{\an8}Oh, my God,
that's why she wore the nice shirt.
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{\an8}Oh, this is so sad.
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{\an8}Oh, no!
Seal and Heidi Klum broke up.
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{\an8}Uh, yeah, in 2012.
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{\an8}All those magazines are super old.
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{\an8}Good Lord.
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{\an8}Whitney Houston died? Since when?
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{\an8}Again, 2012.
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{\an8}This says she drowned in the bathtub.
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{\an8}But-but I take baths.
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{\an8}I think there may have
been other stuff going on.
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{\an8}No! Baths kill, Chris.
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{\an8}And I will not become another statistic.
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{\an8}Next time I bathe, I'm taking a shower.
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{\an8}And it's gonna be
the best baby shower ever.
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{\an8}I'll wear a tiara, go to brunch,
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{\an8}and my best friend will start crying,
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{\an8}and that's when we realize
she's been trying for years.
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{\an8}And I'll say, "It's not your fault,"
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{\an8}but quietly I wonder
if it's a result of her life choices.
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{\an8}I mean, I'm as liberal as anyone,
but do you really think
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{\an8}a throuple based on
a mutual love of cocaine
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{\an8}doesn't have consequences?
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{\an8}I am as liberal as anyone, though.
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{\an8}Are you sure you want to do this, Peter?
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{\an8}Seems a little reckless.
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{\an8}You do know that
wearing a jet pack doesn't
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{\an8}- make you a lawyer, right?
- Objection.
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{\an8}Not supporting my dream of becoming
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{\an8}- a sky attorney.
- Withdrawn.
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{\an8}Hey, I saw a thing
and now I want to do the thing.
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{\an8}That's my thing.
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{\an8}Now, quit yapping and tape
these leaf blowers to my back.
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To a thousand and beyond.
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That's as high as he can count.
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Peter, what the hell?
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Aah! Aah!
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Aw, crap, there's one of them
Chinese balloons.
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Excuse me. I'm Japanese.
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Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
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Please excuse my ignorance.
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Hey, just take this opportunity
to learn and grow.
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I will. I will, balloon, I will.
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Man, Lois was pissed
about me wrecking the house.
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Really? I assumed she'd be numb
to your shenanigans by now.
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Worst part is I spent
all our vacation money
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on the jet pack without asking.
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For some reason, women don't like it
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when you wreck their financial future.
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The lady brain
is truly the most confounding
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of all head meats.
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Peter, I know what it's
like to be in the doghouse,
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but I think I can help.
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Why don't you use
my mom's condo in Florida?
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Every year she winters in Buffalo.
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I keep telling her
she's doing Florida wrong,
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but she doesn't listen.
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Thanks, Joe. Florida sounds great.
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I bet Lois'll love that.
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My mom winters in a coffin.
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All the seasons, really.
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Brian, I need your help to take a shower.
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Shower?! No way.
Dogs and showers don't mix.
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Come on, Bri, you're the only one
who can do this with me.
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I can't go back there.
I'm sorry, it's just...
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I took a shower once. I was so young.
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When they put me in the tub,
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I figured it was just to rub my tummy.
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What a fool I was.
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They stripped me down like an animal.
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And that's when things got real.
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The water just kept coming.
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I tried to fight back,
but I was half-blind from the soap.
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At first, Peter tried
to bathe me from the side,
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but then he realized
it'd be easier if he...
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got in.
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When it was over,
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they just wiped me
down with an old beach towel
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and threw me in the yard.
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I didn't get a parade.
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{\an8}Hell, I didn't even get a chew toy.
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{\an8}Thank you for your shower.
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Don't do this, Stewie.
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Once you get in that shower,
you never come back.
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Sorry, but I'm taking a shower...
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"With or Without You."
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Uh, we-we can't afford that U2 song.
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Oh, really?
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But they will pay us
to play one off their new album.
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Yeah, that's a big Bon-No.
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Well, Peter, I was skeptical,
but I got to say,
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it's beautiful here.
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Well, this is the address.
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Peter, this isn't a vacation home,
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this is a retirement community.
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I can't believe you never told me.
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Lois, we had a whole
conversation about this
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when you were passed out
on your airplane pills.
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Okay, I got to fess up,
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it's kind of a retirement community.
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If you're okay with it,
breathe once every minute.
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Ah, there it is.
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I can't believe you took me
to a retirement community.
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Come on, it's not so bad.
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There's canasta and pickleball,
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plus the world's softest toilet seats.
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{\an8}I can't poop now
'cause I'm afraid of heights.
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{\an8}Uhp, here we go.
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{\an8}All right, now I'm getting confidence.
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Ugh, there's so much
"not actual milk" milk.
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Hey, I think this is that
Mother's Day gift
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Joe told me about.
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It's a "Joe-mometer."
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It announces celebrity trivia
in Joe's voice.
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It's 76 degrees.
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Actor Morgan Freeman is left-handed.
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Wow. That's mildly interesting.
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This place is depressing.
I want to go home.
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Oh, hey, I know this isn't the trip
you were hoping for,
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but our flight back isn't for a week,
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so we may as well try to have fun.
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Ugh, fine. I'll give it a shot.
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You won't be disappointed.
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Remember, you didn't think you'd like it
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when I had big, giant traps either.
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Hey, babe, did you wash my singlet?
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I got a tournament up in Great Neck.
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Peter, I can't wash your singlet
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and make you a hundred egg whites.
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Hey, Dad.
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Uhp, left yourself open
to a nearside cradle.
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- I am not a part of this.
- Well, then tap out.
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- I tap out.
- No tap outs.
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Good God, these are the ones
who could make it to the pool.
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Imagine what the ones
in the rooms look like.
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I, uh, couldn't help but notice
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your sternum has only 14 sunspots.
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Uh, no one here has less than 83.
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Aw, I bet you say that to all the ladies
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who can walk without assistance.
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You ever been with a man
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who knows the price of milk in 1942?
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Can't say that I have.
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It was a nickel.
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That was the price of everything then.
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A suit was a nickel. A house was a nickel.
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A dime was a nickel.
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Hemorrhoid donut for the lady?
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A girl could get used to this.
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Now, who wants to see me
bite into an apple with my own teeth?
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It's suicide!
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I missed the moon landing,
I ain't missing this.
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Heavens to Betsy, that's amazing.
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Could you help us turn on the TV, dear?
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Our favorite program is about to start.
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Sure, why not.
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Ooh!
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You must be one of those computer whizzes.
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The last time I tried
to work the remote myself,
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I got folded inside a bed.
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Could you reach
that cigar box full of dominoes?
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My grandchildren are coming
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and I want them to do something fun.
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Oh, such a strong boy.
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Here, have a Chick-O-Stick.
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00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,394
You carry candy in your pocket?
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00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:03,853
Of course.
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00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:07,691
All old ladies are 70% pocket candy.
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00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,234
Werther's.
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00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,111
Butterscotch.
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00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,655
That weird strawberry candy
with the goo inside.
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00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,740
You guys are like walking piñatas.
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00:10:18,910 --> 00:10:22,455
{\an8}Oh, it's so nice to be touched.
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All right, before the big shower,
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I should do a dry run.
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00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,674
Need to get a feel for the space.
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00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,344
Let's start with
some articulation exercises.
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00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,304
Soap the shins. Soap the shins.
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00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,640
Soap and sop and soak the shins.
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00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,101
The room sound is a little tinny,
but I can make it work.
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00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:45,103
All right, not bad for the first day.
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00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:46,813
Rupert, toss over the rope ladder.
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00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,023
Rupert?
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00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:51,109
Oh, you son of a bitch, I knew it.
221
00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,861
Is this because I suggested a prenup?
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00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:55,613
Well, if money doesn't matter,
you should just sign it.
223
00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:03,872
I'm stuck!
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00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:05,290
Help!
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00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,672
Oh, this is just great.
226
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,508
I'm going to die in here
and I'll never take a shower.
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00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,428
Maybe you won't, but we will.
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00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:19,512
Really?
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00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,306
Thanks, Bri.
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00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,768
The poop was in there when I got in.
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00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:31,399
Man, this place is great
for my self-esteem.
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I'm getting bicep squeezes left and right.
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00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,529
And men keep telling me
I look like Greer Garson.
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00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,156
That's good, I think.
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Being the youngest, healthiest people here
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sure has its perks.
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It's like everyone wants a piece of us.
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00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:52,003
Before we harvest the organs
of these two young meatbags,
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00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,297
we need to decide who gets what.
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00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:57,509
So, if you want a body part,
call dibs now.
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00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:00,553
Yeah, I'll take the udders and the hooves.
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00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,639
What? That's not a cow.
243
00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,432
That's a guy?
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00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,601
But I saw him eating grass earlier.
245
00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:09,187
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
we're donating the brain to science.
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00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,398
No one take the brain.
247
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:21,116
Morning, Peter.
248
00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,326
I brought you some calcium-rich milk.
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00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:26,579
It'll make your bones strong
so I can swim again.
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00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,581
- Thanks, Art.
- Don't thank me--
251
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,333
the cow did most of the work.
252
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,756
Lois, would you be a dear
253
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,550
and lift this fruitcake
254
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:41,094
that's the same weight as my grandson?
255
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,595
Um, sure?
256
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:47,183
Full range of motion. Firm grip.
257
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,728
Time for your breakfast eye exam.
258
00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:51,396
Which line can you read?
259
00:12:51,396 --> 00:12:53,440
Uh, well, I can read "GLEDJEB".
260
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,943
That's not a word,
it's just random letters in a row.
261
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:58,653
Really? I thought it was Dutch.
262
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,488
Hey! They said my name.
263
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:02,449
Don't be so self-centered.
264
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:05,285
they could mean Gledjeb Opeldark.
265
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,207
Well, you ready, Stewie?
266
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:14,002
Yup. Even got some decals
for the shower floor.
267
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,795
I see you went with the flower design.
268
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,172
The daffodil pattern provides
269
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,923
superior protection against slippage.
270
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:21,509
Dr. Scholl's gave it
four toes out of seven.
271
00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:24,095
I-It's a weird scale,
but that's still pretty good.
272
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:25,930
And I got us some shampoo.
273
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,266
Why did you buy the kind
for color-treated hair?
274
00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:31,144
Speaking of Hair,
that is one heck of a musical, huh?
275
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,229
That's the hair we should be discussing.
276
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:35,398
You got a little Giuliani drip
going there.
277
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:39,319
There were voting irregularities
in Michigan!
278
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,743
Can you believe they gave us
complimentary massages?
279
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:49,245
Welcome!
280
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,664
Have you fasted for the last 12 hours?
281
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,000
- Were we supposed to?
- No worries.
282
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,419
Why do you need
our blood pressure for a massage?
283
00:13:56,419 --> 00:13:58,755
Deep tissue. Hot stone.
284
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,632
We have all different kinds.
285
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:02,133
You just ignored my question
286
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:04,094
and answered a different one
you had in your head.
287
00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:06,971
I did eat my twin in the womb,
thanks for asking.
288
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,599
Okay, let's get you started.
289
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:14,688
Are you a D cup or is that just gravity?
290
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,439
Oh, just gravity.
291
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,024
Just a half rack, Tony.
292
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,946
Excuse me, I have to use the restroom.
293
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:30,120
Oh, my God.
294
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,795
Ah. Well, that's not so bad.
295
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:42,841
Hard to misinterpret that.
296
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,143
Oh, my God!
297
00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:57,939
And how many drinks would
you say you consume each week?
298
00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:00,025
Socially, about four to six.
299
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:03,028
Alone in the dark while
crying to Adele, a hundred.
300
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:05,321
Welp, beggars can't be choosers.
301
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,163
They're trying to steal our organs.
302
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:15,331
They want to kill us. Let's go.
303
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,501
- What's happening?
- Don't worry, Lois.
304
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,961
It's called "Flintstone Legs."
305
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,796
Trust me, all we need is some traction.
306
00:15:23,423 --> 00:15:25,008
Calling all coots!
307
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:28,094
Red Dawn and The Waddler
have flown the coop.
308
00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:36,853
Brian, if something should happen
to one or both of us,
309
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,522
I'd regret not having said this,
so I'm just gonna say it.
310
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,608
You have a nice penis.
311
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,777
I see it a lot, I don't say anything,
312
00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,362
but it's nice.
313
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:48,656
Now, you say something nice
about my penis.
314
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,784
I think we should turn the water on.
315
00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:02,921
Huh, this isn't as bad as I remember.
316
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,172
It's actually kind of nice.
317
00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:06,216
I wonder what this thing does.
318
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:11,429
- Aah!
- Aah!
319
00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:13,682
- This is horrible!
- The spray is too strong.
320
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:15,725
We have to turn down the water.
321
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,691
Now it's too hot! Now it's too cold!
322
00:16:22,691 --> 00:16:26,111
My God, how does Chris
stay in here for 45 minutes?
323
00:16:26,111 --> 00:16:28,405
He's doing other stuff,
but we got to get out of here.
324
00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:31,741
Oh, my God, now the tub is filling up.
325
00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:34,119
Wait a minute, the tub is filling up.
326
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:36,037
This isn't a shower anymore.
327
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,707
This is a bath! I know baths.
328
00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,291
I've got this, Bri.
329
00:16:45,964 --> 00:16:48,842
♪ The legend lives on
from the Chippewa on down ♪
330
00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,760
♪ Of the big lake they called ♪
331
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,679
♪ Gitche Gumee ♪
332
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:58,560
♪ The lake, it is said,
never gives up her dead ♪
333
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,520
♪ When the skies of November ♪
334
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,023
♪ Turn gloomy. ♪
335
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,527
Oh, my God. What is that?
336
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,488
A decade's worth of Meg's hair.
337
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,865
Ew, that's gross.
338
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:15,201
No, it isn't. It's our lifeline, Brian.
339
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:20,123
Boost me to the shower caddy.
340
00:17:21,124 --> 00:17:23,001
Oh!
341
00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:27,964
Hang on.
342
00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:36,848
Aah!
343
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:40,685
We are never taking a shower again.
344
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,062
Agreed.
345
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:45,440
Uh, fellas, I'm gonna
need the room for 45 minutes.
346
00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,378
I'm gonna gut you like a fish
347
00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:09,339
and scoop out your insides.
348
00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:11,591
Right after I parallel park.
349
00:18:13,051 --> 00:18:14,386
Peter, come on!
350
00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:16,054
Sorry, Lois. As a man,
351
00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:18,598
I'm required to watch
other men parallel park.
352
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,309
Peter, he wants to kill us! Let's go!
353
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:27,691
You got to cut the wheel.
354
00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:30,151
I am cutting the wheel.
355
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:34,989
- No, the other way.
- This is the other way, jerk.
356
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:37,784
No, left. Cut left.
357
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:40,870
Pull back, cut left. Now I'm involved.
358
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,789
Right.
359
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,916
Oh! They shrunk the spaces
360
00:18:44,916 --> 00:18:47,919
so they could make more money.
361
00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:50,588
Sir, this is a standard space
on a public street.
362
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,298
Nobody's making money here.
363
00:18:58,722 --> 00:19:00,557
Stop where you are.
364
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:04,561
We would like this all
to be over by 4:00 p.m., please.
365
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:12,444
Enough!
366
00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:14,446
You freaks are never getting our organs!
367
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:17,198
Now shuffle aside before I call the cops.
368
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:18,825
This is Florida, doll.
369
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:21,453
The cops are all just
strippers who carry guns.
370
00:19:21,453 --> 00:19:23,204
- Then who are the strippers?
- Firemen.
371
00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:25,457
- So, who fights the fires?
- No idea.
372
00:19:25,457 --> 00:19:29,044
- You're sick.
- And you-- you're selfish.
373
00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:32,464
You come in here flaunting
your working ears and knuckles
374
00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:33,965
that don't look like an abacus
375
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:36,551
and expect us not to pick you clean
376
00:19:36,551 --> 00:19:39,387
like the last hour at a Chinese buffet?
377
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:44,893
If we have to take your organs
by force, then so be it.
378
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:47,062
Have it your way.
379
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:48,605
We always do,
380
00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:51,566
no matter how many times
we have to send the entrée back.
381
00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,985
We will stand here and fight until--
382
00:19:53,985 --> 00:19:56,654
- It's 4:04.
- Oh! We're missing dinner!
383
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:02,035
I'm sorry, Lois.
384
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:04,245
Looks like I ruined another vacation.
385
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:06,623
You know, Peter, I was upset
when you brought me here
386
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,917
because I wanted
to have an exciting vacation,
387
00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:10,460
just the two of us,
388
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,671
and I thought this place
was gonna be boring,
389
00:20:12,671 --> 00:20:14,589
but you know what? Turns out
390
00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:16,841
fleeing from bloodthirsty
senior citizens with you
391
00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,718
was kind of a thrill.
392
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,012
This may not have been
the vacation I expected
393
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,932
but it turned out to be
the best one I've ever had.
394
00:20:23,932 --> 00:20:25,433
I love you, Peter.
395
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,018
I love you, too.
396
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,897
Man, this place is crazy.
397
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,441
Can you believe Joe
was in the dark about all this?
398
00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:35,694
Did you get the legs?
399
00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:38,947
Damn it!
400
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,699
No, no, no, it's fine.
401
00:20:40,699 --> 00:20:43,827
I'll see if I can get Cleveland
to go down there next week.
402
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,964
{\an8}Hey, bud! How was Florida?