1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,003
♪ It seems today ♪
2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,838
♪ That all you see ♪
3
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,133
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
4
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:12,262
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
5
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,389
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
6
00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:18,226
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
7
00:00:18,226 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
8
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things that make us ♪
9
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,441
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
10
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:30,071
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪
11
00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:39,831
I... I don't get it.
12
00:00:39,831 --> 00:00:41,291
{\an8}You thought this was gonna be
13
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,543
{\an8}the flea circus from Coraline, didn't you?
14
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:46,046
{\an8}I'm cursed with optimism.
15
00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:52,761
{\an8}Oh, yous got a good eye.
16
00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:55,096
{\an8}That there's a "Little Ms. Wedgewood" set.
17
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,810
{\an8}♪ This is my handle, this is my spout ♪
18
00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:02,645
{\an8}Well, all the parts
seem to be in the right places.
19
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,481
{\an8}I'll take it.
20
00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:08,401
{\an8}Holy crap, a vintage Mr. Potato Head
21
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:10,779
{\an8}from the good old days
when potatoes were men
22
00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:11,946
{\an8}and had penises.
23
00:01:11,946 --> 00:01:13,740
{\an8}Peter, they never had penises.
24
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,784
{\an8}Well, you could put a nose down there
and it kind of worked.
25
00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:17,786
{\an8}The nostrils were balls, and...
26
00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,245
{\an8}and so forth.
27
00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:21,748
{\an8}That's the very potato
I used in medical school
28
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:24,167
{\an8}to learn anatomy.
I could let it go for 600.
29
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:26,211
{\an8}What are we thinking, Lois? Yes?
30
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,213
{\an8}No, we don't have that kind of money.
31
00:01:28,213 --> 00:01:30,757
{\an8}Fine, I'll buy it with my magic beans.
32
00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:32,425
{\an8}Those are Skittles.
33
00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:35,762
{\an8}There's no room in this world
for dreamers anymore.
34
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,434
{\an8}Everything okay, Dad?
35
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:43,645
{\an8}Just adult stuff, buddy.
36
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:46,731
{\an8}Mom wouldn't let me buy a toy I wanted.
37
00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:50,568
{\an8}Do you own a home, but can't afford
38
00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:53,154
{\an8}the things you need to
make your life more comfortable?
39
00:01:53,154 --> 00:01:55,240
{\an8}Yes. Wait, is that...
40
00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,075
{\an8}Hi, I'm Tom Selleck.
41
00:01:57,075 --> 00:02:00,495
{\an8}Ask your nurse to turn down
your breathing machine for a minute
42
00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,664
{\an8}so I can tell you how a reverse mortgage
43
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,874
{\an8}from "Hey, Alright. Reverse Mortgages,"
44
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:06,501
{\an8}or "HARM," can help you.
45
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,086
{\an8}This seems like a trick.
46
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:12,132
{\an8}I know this seems like a trick,
but it's not a trick.
47
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,383
{\an8}Oh, that's nice to hear.
48
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,843
{\an8}But is this his first rodeo?
49
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:17,637
{\an8}Look, this isn't my first rodeo.
50
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,431
{\an8}And I wouldn't be here if I thought
51
00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:21,766
{\an8}reverse mortgages would hurt anyone.
52
00:02:21,766 --> 00:02:24,019
{\an8}Well, I certainly believe Magnum P.I.,
53
00:02:24,019 --> 00:02:26,271
{\an8}but it's easy to say
this stuff fully standing up.
54
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:29,107
{\an8}I wonder if he can half-lean
on a fence post and say it?
55
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,570
{\an8}- Do you really want your adult kids
56
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,989
{\an8}fighting over your money
after you're gone?
57
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,949
{\an8}Isn't it better to spend it all now
58
00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:39,993
{\an8}so they don't have that option?
59
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,662
{\an8}He's making good points.
I'll just run this by Lois.
60
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:45,623
{\an8}Men, please don't
run things by your wives.
61
00:02:45,623 --> 00:02:49,252
{\an8}Just go to "www..." I'm kidding.
62
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,838
{\an8}Here's a phone number
as big as we can put it.
63
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:54,215
{\an8}I'm getting my Mr. Potato Head.
64
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,426
{\an8}But that is a lot of numbers to dial.
65
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,386
{\an8}If that's too many numbers to dial,
66
00:02:58,386 --> 00:03:01,056
{\an8}just say, "Siri, I'm old."
67
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,557
{\an8}Siri, I'm old.
68
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,768
{\an8}Dialing reverse mortgage company.
69
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,524
{\an8}Stewie? What is all this stuff?
70
00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:14,819
{\an8}It turns out Rupert only likes
"Peppa Pig" branded tea sets,
71
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:16,196
{\an8}which honestly, I get.
72
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,865
{\an8}So I sold my tea set at twice what I paid,
73
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,325
{\an8}then I bought more stuff to sell.
74
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,327
{\an8}Really? Was it worth that much?
75
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:25,246
Oh, sweetie, people have
no clue what antiques are worth,
76
00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:26,956
so you just act like you know.
77
00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:29,501
I actually got a booth
at the flea market next weekend.
78
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,503
I have to say, I'm weirdly impressed.
79
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:33,922
Yes, who would've thought
a strange little guy like me
80
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:37,425
could get super into
tiny details of old furniture.
81
00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:38,885
Well, if you need any help, I'm in.
82
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,261
All right.
83
00:03:40,261 --> 00:03:41,721
- Is that...
- Yes, most antiques
84
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:44,891
are just racist old packaging
from iconic companies.
85
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,935
Well, mostly syrup companies.
86
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:48,353
Wow, that's very racist.
87
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:51,064
Yep. Whole-blurry-shelf racist.
88
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:57,821
I'm Mr. Kiki, the swim teacher
89
00:03:57,821 --> 00:04:00,824
who doesn't have a pool
and drives very far
90
00:04:00,824 --> 00:04:03,493
to other people's pools for lessons.
91
00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:07,831
After this lesson, I sit at Panera Bread
92
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,082
until traffic dies down.
93
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,625
{\an8}Panera Bread.
94
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:12,252
{\an8}Where swim teachers from other towns
95
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,753
{\an8}wait out traffic.
96
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:16,339
Oh, my God, is that
the expensive Mr. Potato Head
97
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:17,757
from the flea market?
98
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,759
I told you we couldn't afford that.
99
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:21,219
Don't worry, I got a ton of money.
100
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,346
I even bought a Jet Ski in Lake Havasu
101
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:24,723
in case I ever get out there.
102
00:04:26,182 --> 00:04:28,560
♪ Spend all your time waiting... ♪
103
00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:31,938
Every year, over 9,000 people
104
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:35,734
buy Jet Skis and then
leave them at Lake Havasu.
105
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:39,863
Last year, over 700 Jet Skis were rescued
106
00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:42,991
and sent to some of the trashier
Wisconsin lakes
107
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:46,494
where tiny-teeth families
gave them new lives.
108
00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:50,540
For hundreds of others,
help came too late.
109
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,459
Where did you get all this money?
110
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,586
It was easy.
I took out a reverse mortgage,
111
00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:57,005
which is that thing where
your house gives you free money.
112
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,424
Peter, how could you be so stupid?
113
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:02,177
Reverse mortgages are a total scam.
114
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:04,346
You need to call the bank right away.
115
00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,639
And take that Mr. Potato Head back.
116
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,976
I can't. I wrote
"Best Spuds 4 Life" all over the box.
117
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,812
I almost love the box
as much as the guy now.
118
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,939
Peter, we could lose our house!
119
00:05:14,939 --> 00:05:17,984
Relax, Lois. Tom Selleck
made a whole video about that
120
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,403
for the wives, wearing
his signature short shorts.
121
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,863
Hello, wives. I'm--
122
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,073
Sold.
123
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,495
Now the bank is saying
we could lose the house.
124
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,705
I can't believe I got duped
by Tom Selleck.
125
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:32,874
Tom Selleck?
126
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,168
Well, there's a name
I haven't heard in years.
127
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,796
Mayor Wild West, you know Tom Selleck?
128
00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:40,548
Oh, I used to. Many moons ago.
129
00:05:40,548 --> 00:05:41,716
How many?
130
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:43,510
- Many.
- Wow.
131
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,304
If you fellas would allow me
to jaw at you a minute,
132
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:48,139
I'll spin you a yarn.
133
00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:50,892
Back when we grew younger men's mustaches,
134
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:53,186
me and Tom carved ourselves out a niche
135
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:57,857
as a hippie country duo called
"Cold Hard 'Stache."
136
00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:00,568
♪ See a penny, pick it up ♪
137
00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,612
♪ All the day you'll have to look ♪
138
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,532
♪ For its rightful owner ♪
139
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,409
♪ That's an honorable day ♪
140
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:11,705
♪ Looking for its rightful owner. ♪
141
00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:19,629
Yeah, we were the talk
of one corner of town.
142
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:22,549
But as is often the case in these tales,
143
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,467
drugs entered the picture,
144
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:26,636
and when that trouble arrived,
145
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,471
well, let's just say Ol' Tom
146
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:30,223
offered it a place to set down.
147
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,059
You're playing with fire, Kemosabe.
148
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:44,320
The next day he wrote a song
called "Walk This Way
149
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:49,868
..."
150
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,327
And that's when I knew,
151
00:06:51,327 --> 00:06:53,747
the One-A-Day Demon had got him.
152
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,625
In the end, one-a-day
was merely a suggestion.
153
00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:00,795
Nearest I can reckon,
he was up to nine or ten a week.
154
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:04,215
Anyhow, hearing he's peddling
reverse mortgages now
155
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,842
sounds about right.
156
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,677
Do you know what a reverse mortgage is?
157
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:09,846
Nearest I can figure, it's a loan
158
00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:11,306
that enables the borrower
159
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:14,642
to access the unencumbered value
of their property.
160
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:16,728
That sounds kind of slick.
161
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:19,564
Well, the rub is if you can't pay it back,
162
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:21,566
they can snatch your abode.
163
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,818
That strikes me as predatory.
164
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,236
Why would Tom do this?
165
00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:26,654
He should know better.
166
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:29,491
You see, having a mustache
is a sacred oath.
167
00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:31,034
I have a mustache.
168
00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:32,118
I'm proud of you.
169
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,995
He can't do this to people.
170
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:36,289
I am gonna track him down
and get the money back.
171
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,832
Mr. Mayor, you're coming with me.
172
00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:40,585
Oh, I'm afraid those days are behind me.
173
00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:43,421
But I wish you the best of luck.
174
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,215
That's fine, I'll go it alone,
175
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:47,592
just like Meghan Markle and Prince Harry.
176
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:50,512
Sir, your millions from Netflix
177
00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:52,305
for no one knows what.
178
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,932
Put it with the rest of them.
179
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,477
Babe, time to do our daily
180
00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:01,106
$250,000 sponsored Instagram post
181
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:03,024
for Del Taco.
182
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:06,194
Oh, I shouldn't have left
the made-up nonsense.
183
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:11,074
Well, I'm off to New York City
184
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:13,243
to find Tom Selleck
and get our money back.
185
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,120
How do you even know he's in New York?
186
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,205
'Cause he's on CBS's loudest show,
187
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:18,915
Blue Bloods, and they film there.
188
00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,917
No, Peter, you're not going anywhere.
189
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,253
Even for you, this is an absurd plan.
190
00:08:23,253 --> 00:08:25,213
Ain't nothin' absurd about this.
191
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,424
- Ma'am.
- Sold.
192
00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:29,426
Mr. Mayor. You came.
193
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:31,886
That's right. The only thing that can stop
194
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:35,181
a bad guy with a mustache
is a good guy with a mustache.
195
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,976
So hop on up, we're taking a trip.
196
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,274
I can't believe
we're going to New York City.
197
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:46,443
I've always wanted to see the Twin Towers.
198
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:50,613
When?
199
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:00,999
Look, it's Billy Joel.
200
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:03,460
Uhp, no, it's just a drywall guy
dressed up for church.
201
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:07,297
So, is that whole
retail establishment just M&Ms?
202
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:08,798
Yes, and bad jackets.
203
00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,134
Like, so bad that Sinbad
wouldn't even wear them.
204
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:14,095
Not sure I quite understand New York City.
205
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,056
Oh, well, this is just TV New York.
206
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,600
You can tell 'cause all the
cab drivers are impossibly white.
207
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,186
I call this place "the big city,"
208
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:23,813
so you know I've been here a while.
209
00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:29,444
Mr. Mayor, allow me
to show you my New York.
210
00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:32,947
Your New York is an ESPN Zone?
211
00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:35,367
I-I don't know, I like all the screens.
212
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:37,869
Peter, look at this.
213
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:40,747
Black hair dye.
214
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,960
We follow this trail, we find Selleck,
215
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,297
or possibly Papa John or Rudy Giuliani,
216
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:52,133
but that's a risk
we're gonna have to take.
217
00:09:58,056 --> 00:10:00,266
Brian, time to teach you my techniques.
218
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:01,768
Watch and learn.
219
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,269
You have a good eye.
220
00:10:03,269 --> 00:10:05,605
I just sold a piece
by the same artist for 40.
221
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:08,024
- Lie.
- That's a little out of my budget.
222
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:11,319
Well, I'd like 30, but I'd take 25.
223
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,780
Lowest I could let it go for is 20.
224
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,073
Would you take 11?
225
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,991
Well the frame alone is worth 30.
226
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:18,368
Highest I can do is 12.
227
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,703
Okay, but you got to pay me
228
00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:21,371
before my wife
gets back from the bathroom.
229
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,331
She's gonna kill me over this price.
230
00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:28,086
That's the dance. Give it a try.
231
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,505
Hi, there, uh, how much for this vase?
232
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,424
Five.
233
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:33,675
What the hell was that?
234
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,218
That's not the dance, man.
235
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:37,137
You got to put your hands up higher,
move around a bit.
236
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,722
My dance is the tango.
237
00:10:38,722 --> 00:10:40,348
You got to find yours. Go ahead.
238
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,809
- Stewie, I'm not doing thi--
- Find your dance!
239
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,477
A Bolero man.
240
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,604
Little dirty, but nobody's gonna bleed.
241
00:10:46,604 --> 00:10:49,232
You feel that? That's the bluff.
242
00:10:49,232 --> 00:10:50,525
I thought it was "the dance."
243
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,901
Right, but at some point,
244
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,737
the dance becomes the bluff.
245
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:55,697
Are you just making all this up as you go?
246
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,240
That's the dance, Bri.
247
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,618
All right, Brian, follow my lead.
248
00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:02,328
"Van Blunder" time.
249
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,080
Ooh, how much for this?
250
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,123
You're gonna hate me.
251
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,458
So, everything you see here
252
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,501
is for sale, except that.
253
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,919
I don't even know how it got out here,
254
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,338
it's supposed to be in the van.
255
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:13,256
Well, I really like it.
256
00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:15,133
Brian, what did you do?
257
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,927
Oh, boy. That was a blunder on my part.
258
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:20,388
That's a... that's a...
that's a pretty big blunder.
259
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,140
But look how much she loves it.
260
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:23,224
Do you love it?
261
00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:26,227
I do. I can give you $10.
262
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,730
Well, I do want it to go
to someone who loves it.
263
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:31,399
I'll tell you what, give me 11,
and it's a deal.
264
00:11:31,399 --> 00:11:33,276
What a blunder.
265
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:37,030
This is awkward,
but y'alls horning in on my turf.
266
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:40,158
See, "Grandma's Little Loft"
is the king of knick-knacks.
267
00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,910
Now yous selling 'em.
268
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,244
Ha. That's a laugh.
269
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,662
We'd never sell knick-knacks.
270
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:46,206
We're tchotchke guys.
271
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,750
If yous calling that
vintage Chatillon dial-face
272
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,377
hanging merchant's scale a tchotchke,
273
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,878
y'alls sicker than I thought.
274
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:53,546
Says the guy who has his what's-its
275
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,131
mixed in with his who's-its.
276
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:56,883
That's potpourri.
277
00:11:56,883 --> 00:12:00,095
Yous out of your league.
That's what's happening here.
278
00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:01,429
You hearing footsteps, Gramps?
279
00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,390
Hows about a little contest?
280
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:05,809
Whoever sells the most
by end of day tomorrow
281
00:12:05,809 --> 00:12:07,560
is the flea market champ.
282
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:11,147
The loser gets out of the game. For good.
283
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,816
Fine, you're on.
284
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,567
And by the way, there was a dead cricket
285
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,027
in the teapot you sold me.
286
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:18,697
- Oh, no.
- I know.
287
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,369
{\an8}The hair dye trail ends right here.
288
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,792
Wait, only one guy would accept delivery
289
00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:32,836
of so many Hawaiian shirts.
290
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,760
What is it, boy?
291
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:45,390
Man, I love being paid
for reverse mortgages
292
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,308
in Hawaiian shirts.
293
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,185
So, it looks like there's a few more
294
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:51,104
disgruntled customers down there.
295
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:56,401
Well, that's a 'stache from the past.
296
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,528
This can't be good. Get in.
297
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,698
Hey, NYPD?
298
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:04,576
Yeah, it's
Chief Whatever-My-Character's-Name-Is
299
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:05,744
from Blue Bloods.
300
00:13:05,744 --> 00:13:07,328
There's a couple of trespassers
301
00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,913
outside my house.
302
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,918
You guys are under arrest.
303
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,879
Is this 'cause I rubbed
on a lady in the subway?
304
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:16,963
No.
305
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:19,049
- 'Cause I rubbed on a lady on the bus?
- No.
306
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:20,925
Do you do a lot of rubbing on people?
307
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:24,179
Hey, eight million people,
we all got to fit somewhere.
308
00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:35,065
I'm sorry for dragging
you into this, Mr. Mayor.
309
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:37,567
Lois was right, this was a stupid plan.
310
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,235
Don't beat yourself up, hoss.
311
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,737
When your cause is just,
312
00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,947
any action you take is honorable.
313
00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:46,701
Besides, fate has a funny way
of takin' care of folks.
314
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:57,837
I'd be much obliged if you'd
go ahead and open up for me.
315
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:00,298
How did you do that?
316
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,758
Well, this ain't the first Schlage
317
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,760
to which I've pitched woo.
318
00:14:06,638 --> 00:14:08,556
Oh, Brian, look,
319
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:09,933
it's this antique's last day
320
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,476
selling antiques.
321
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:13,895
You alls can eat my dust.
322
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:18,066
Oh, we got quite a showdown here today
323
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,734
at Flea Market Regionals, Jim.
324
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:22,112
"Grandma's Little Loft"
has the experience,
325
00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:25,156
but don't count out
"The Brian, the Bitch, and the Wardrobe."
326
00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:27,867
And the question we've
been hearing the most today:
327
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,370
Why does a flea market have announcers?
328
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,288
Well, sometimes major network announcers
329
00:14:32,288 --> 00:14:34,332
have one too many at a golf tournament
330
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:35,667
and hit a guy in their car
331
00:14:35,667 --> 00:14:37,544
and then have to work their way back.
332
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:40,422
Hi, do you have any
vintage Southwestern lifestyle stuff?
333
00:14:40,422 --> 00:14:42,507
Bro, it's 7:30 a.m.
334
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,509
That stuff is long gone by 5:15.
335
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,636
I's about to open a storage container
336
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,014
fresh from Tempe. Come on by.
337
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:50,557
- What?
- How is that possible?
338
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,933
And in crunch time,
339
00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:53,560
the game just slows down
340
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,104
for a veteran booth
like "Grandma's Little Loft."
341
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,148
A large, Native American-looking teen
342
00:14:58,148 --> 00:15:00,233
has grumpily plopped down on a camp chair
343
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,402
with an iPad at Bruce's booth.
344
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,070
This guy's on another level.
345
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:06,406
There's no way we can catch him.
346
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,324
This could be the nail in the coffin
347
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:10,744
as other booths have started shaking
348
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,954
their mis-prescribed opiates in salute.
349
00:15:12,954 --> 00:15:14,873
They call that the "Battle Rattle,"
350
00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:17,542
and it's the ultimate
flea market show of respect.
351
00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,544
This one's all but over.
352
00:15:22,881 --> 00:15:24,966
Welcome back to Flea Market Regionals,
353
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,426
brought to you by Warm Coke.
354
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:29,637
Warm Coke: Sometimes they're just warm.
355
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,181
"Grandma's Little Loft"
356
00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:33,516
is putting the finishing
touches on a dominant win.
357
00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:35,226
Hey, we got lots of great
358
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,812
one-of-a-kind stuff here. Please.
359
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:40,899
And, of course,
the old guy who last-minute decides
360
00:15:40,899 --> 00:15:43,985
he wants to keep his stuff
has never really been a factor.
361
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,737
For him, it's more about telling people
362
00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:47,530
where he got the stuff.
363
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,824
Well, we gave it a good shot,
364
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,493
but we're not gonna catch Bruce.
365
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:53,203
I guess we should go tell him he won.
366
00:15:53,203 --> 00:15:55,747
Hold the phone. Looks like we got a guy
367
00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:58,667
bringing his home trash to
the flea market garbage can.
368
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,794
And this is where the lone garbage can
369
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:03,088
being right by "Grandma's Little Loft"
370
00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:04,422
could come into play.
371
00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:05,924
Sure looks like a bag
372
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:08,468
of mostly full diapers
and half-eaten burritos.
373
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,762
And that's just a bee's dream bag.
374
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,931
Hey, we just wanted to say, you wo--
375
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:24,818
And once that money belt is zipped...
376
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:27,654
It's official. "The Brian,
the Bitch, and the Wardrobe"
377
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,657
win Flea Market Regionals.
What a comeback.
378
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:33,493
Boy, you said it. I told ESPN I'd quit
379
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,328
after a Magic: The Gathering tournament,
380
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,664
but this time, I'm serious.
381
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:40,125
Well, yous won fair and square.
382
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:42,627
Y'alls the best flea market weirdos.
383
00:16:43,878 --> 00:16:45,797
I sure am gonna miss this place.
384
00:16:45,797 --> 00:16:47,132
Sorry about the bees.
385
00:16:47,132 --> 00:16:50,051
Part of the game. Hey, before I go,
386
00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:51,720
would y'all be willing
to sell your whole inventory
387
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,596
for nine dollars?
388
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:55,306
- Would you do 11?
- No.
389
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:57,934
You got yourself a deal.
I never want to come back here.
390
00:16:57,934 --> 00:17:00,937
Everyone, you're all
within 500 feet of a school.
391
00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:05,442
Over 200 arrests were made that day.
392
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,235
It's still known in flea market lore
393
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,237
as "Extinction Sunday."
394
00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:11,656
I'm Chris Griffin,
and my brother and my dog
395
00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:13,783
left me in a very hot car.
396
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,622
Hi, Shannon, the line producer,
397
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:21,458
said I could have
another plate of lasagna.
398
00:17:21,458 --> 00:17:23,960
That's not Shannon's call.
399
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,545
You were right.
400
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,963
Becoming extras on his show
401
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,923
was the only way to get close to Tom.
402
00:17:28,923 --> 00:17:32,093
Once the cameras start
rolling, we'll make our move.
403
00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:34,220
Blue Bloods, episode a million,
404
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,139
season blabbity-blah. Hollywood, go.
405
00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:38,183
These guys are pros.
406
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:39,601
Action.
407
00:17:39,601 --> 00:17:42,354
Chief Whatever-Your-Character's-
Name-Is from Blue Bloods,
408
00:17:42,354 --> 00:17:43,980
do you recognize this man?
409
00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:46,816
I do. He owns the bodega on 56--
410
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:47,817
Blue Bloods.
411
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,903
- Cut.
- Who is this guy?
412
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,613
My name is Peter Griffin,
413
00:17:51,613 --> 00:17:53,365
and I'm here 'cause you screwed me over
414
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:54,991
with your trick reverse mortgage.
415
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:56,326
It's not a trick.
416
00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:58,036
Overruled.
417
00:17:58,036 --> 00:18:00,080
What are you... You're an actor.
418
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,540
Time to acknowledge the corn, Tom.
419
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:05,960
Wild West? I had you arrested.
420
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,879
When you got hooked on multis
421
00:18:07,879 --> 00:18:10,674
and started singing mean-spirited songs,
422
00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:13,426
I figured you were young, it was a phase.
423
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:16,221
But now you went and got mixed up
with reverse mortgages,
424
00:18:16,221 --> 00:18:19,307
and that, partner,
violates the mustache code.
425
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,893
Yeah. And besides, you're Magnum P.I.
426
00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:23,353
You're like my TV boss.
427
00:18:23,353 --> 00:18:25,689
Regular guys like me trust you.
428
00:18:25,689 --> 00:18:28,316
I didn't make you do anything.
429
00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:31,194
Only one thing left to try.
430
00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:36,157
♪ See a penny, pick it up ♪
431
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,326
♪ All the day you'll have to look ♪
432
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,121
♪ For its rightful owner ♪
433
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:43,081
♪ That's an honorable day ♪
434
00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:48,044
♪ Looking for its rightful owner ♪
435
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:51,715
I-I'm not gonna sing.
436
00:18:51,715 --> 00:18:54,342
- Your Honor?
- I'll allow it.
437
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,594
♪ A penny saved is a penny earned ♪
438
00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:58,888
♪ But if it ain't yours, I've learned ♪
439
00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:04,728
♪ To find its rightful owner. ♪
440
00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:11,484
This court finds that the world
could use more songs like that.
441
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,404
Peter, I think you and I
might just have to
442
00:19:14,404 --> 00:19:16,448
agree to disagree when it comes to
443
00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:19,784
the financial propriety
of reverse mortgages.
444
00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,995
That said, I certainly never meant
445
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:23,621
to cause you any distress.
446
00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:26,124
And Wild, back in the day,
447
00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:28,084
I turned my back on you,
448
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,795
and I turned my back on my mustache.
449
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,423
Think you can forgive me?
450
00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:36,217
Eh, nothin' a firm, two-handed handshake
451
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,386
with eye contact can't solve.
452
00:19:41,056 --> 00:19:43,433
And Peter, I don't want there
453
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:45,018
to be any hard feelings,
454
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:46,811
so I'm gonna write you a check
455
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,731
for a little bit
of the lot of money I've made
456
00:19:49,731 --> 00:19:52,067
selling legitimate reverse mortgages
457
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:54,194
to people who,
to the best of my knowledge,
458
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,488
understand fully
what they're entering into.
459
00:19:56,488 --> 00:19:58,281
How are you 78?
460
00:19:58,281 --> 00:19:59,783
This ought to take care of it.
461
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:02,118
And hey, just to make sure we're good,
462
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:04,621
how'd you like a line on the show?
463
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:05,955
Blue Bloods.
464
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:08,958
It might not be just saying the show.
465
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:11,252
I understand. Tom, would it be possible
466
00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:13,129
for me to get another plate of lasagna?
467
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:16,091
That's not my call, Peter.
That's Shannon's call.
468
00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:18,051
It's not Shannon's call.
469
00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:26,685
Follow that car.
470
00:20:26,685 --> 00:20:28,186
First time in the big city?
471
00:20:28,186 --> 00:20:29,604
Blue Bloods.
472
00:20:29,604 --> 00:20:31,314
That last line was improvised.
473
00:20:31,314 --> 00:20:34,526
Oh, look out, Ryan Stiles, huh?
474
00:20:34,526 --> 00:20:36,444
Oh, you know, I'm just glad
475
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:38,780
we don't have to worry about
losing our house anymore.
476
00:20:38,780 --> 00:20:40,782
Me, too. I guess I learned
477
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,617
celebrities always do the right thing
478
00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:45,036
once you publicly guilt them into it.