1
00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:04,922
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,133
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:11,762
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,389
[all]
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

5
00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:18,227
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

6
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,522
♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪

7
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All the things
That make us ♪

8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,942
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,072
[all]
♪ He's a family guy! ♪

10
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,992
[♪ theme music playing]

11
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,996
Hey, did you think
any more about

12
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,957
how you want to
celebrate your birthday?

13
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,208
It's coming up quick?

14
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:44,836
Oh, yeah, I thought a Toronto Raptors
themed sleepover could be fun.

15
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,632
Why do you always
like the worst version of everything?

16
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:49,925
That is not true.

17
00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:51,218
[gasps] I'll be right back.

18
00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,679
I forgot I'm out of Toms
of West Virginia toothpaste.

19
00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,931
Same stuff as Maine,
but made for less teeth.

20
00:00:57,015 --> 00:01:00,018
Ugh, look at all the Jewish
candy bars Mort's got in here.

21
00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:02,771
One Musketeer, Bubble Yuk,

22
00:01:02,854 --> 00:01:06,233
Oy Henry, Almond Content
But Not Quite Joy.

23
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,693
Forget that, check this out.

24
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:11,363
I can tell you exactly which ailment each
of these people in line has.

25
00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:12,698
What? How can you do that?

26
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It's a known fact. Dogs can smell all
kinds of different medical conditions.

27
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Watch. [sniffs]

28
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She has diabetes.

29
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,414
[sniffs] He has migraines.

30
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:21,915
[sniffs] And that guy's got...

31
00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,793
um, that... that thing...
What's the thing

32
00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:26,086
that Magic Johnson has...

33
00:01:26,169 --> 00:01:27,462
-AIDS?
-Yeah, that.

34
00:01:27,546 --> 00:01:29,047
You forgot about AIDS?

35
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It was never a dog thing.

36
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[♪ upbeat music playing]

37
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There's always one
who shows up in their pajamas

38
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'cause they don't wanna
change in a strange house.

39
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It's four o'clock, dear.

40
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You're gonna ruin those slippers
walking from the car.

41
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I don't care.

42
00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:49,192
You guys all know
Patty, Ruth and Esther.

43
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And since we're a modern
teenage friend group,

44
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here's our gender-neutral
friend, Devin.

45
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,656
Lois, what's with that kid?

46
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,950
Every piece of clothing
saying something different.

47
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,452
Peter, be nice.

48
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,037
You can't freak out like this.

49
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,705
Don't worry,
I can be subtle.

50
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:03,749
[shouts] What are you?
Declare yourself!

51
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:06,752
Why don't you just go to the garage
and mutter while kicking stuff?

52
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:09,629
Stupid worlds passing me by.

53
00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,506
Everyone needs
to be something.

54
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How does anything make sense
if everybody's everything?

55
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[♪ upbeat music playing]

56
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,056
[all laughing]

57
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,183
Ew, Dad, what are you doing?

58
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:23,352
Sorry, Meg,
all dads are required

59
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to walk shirtless
through any teen party

60
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while they drink
a canned beverage

61
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:28,774
that was discontinued
in the '90s.

62
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Sip of Surge, anyone?

63
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:31,610
Devin, sip of Surge.

64
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Can you please leave?

65
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,571
We're about to play
Truth or Dare.

66
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:35,739
"Truth or Dare?"

67
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,783
Is that that game where you hide
and go seek?

68
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:41,328
No. You either have to answer a question
with total honesty

69
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,205
or do something crazy
that people make up.

70
00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:46,792
I went with my version,
but how about I play with you?

71
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:48,460
Um, sure, Dad,

72
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:50,295
I dare you to
get the hell out of here.

73
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,463
[laughs] On it.

74
00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,007
[panting]

75
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,968
Check it out, Lois. I'm playing Truth
or Dare with Meg.

76
00:02:57,052 --> 00:02:58,720
You're really not, Peter.

77
00:02:58,804 --> 00:03:01,306
But, hey, I'll play Truth
or Dare with you.

78
00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:03,558
After all,
we've never played together.

79
00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,811
Really? Okay,
I pick "Dare."

80
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,688
All right, um...

81
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:11,358
I dare you... [laughs]

82
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:14,111
...to lick
the Swansons' mailbox.

83
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-[both laughing]
-Watch me.

84
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,073
[♪ thrilling instrumental
music playing]

85
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:24,788
Damn it, if he gets my TV guide soggy,
I'm gonna be furious.

86
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,581
You still get TV guide?

87
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There's still TV.

88
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[both laughing]

89
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,336
Okay, okay. Your turn.

90
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All right... truth.

91
00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:34,464
Okay, let's see, um,

92
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:37,384
how many men have you slept with
in your lifetime?

93
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,428
-Dare.
-What?

94
00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:40,554
You can't just change.

95
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Peter, it's my right to choose
from the two options,

96
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and I choose dare.

97
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,226
It's no big deal.
I'll tell you my number.

98
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,312
I'll admit, I was a bit of
a Lothario back in my day,

99
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,314
I slept with two whole women.

100
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,817
Seven, if you count finishing
during long hugs.

101
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,277
Peter, I'm not answering.

102
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Come on, it's fine.
Just say the number.

103
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,239
Keep it in mind that
any number other than zero

104
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:01,032
will send me into
a 10-year spiral.

105
00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:03,743
This conversation is over.
I'm going to bed.

106
00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:05,412
No, not till this is settled.

107
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:07,080
I mean, now
it's a safety issue.

108
00:04:08,039 --> 00:04:10,667
I gotta know if I need to wear
this old timey scuba helmet

109
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,003
before I give you
the Michael Douglas special.

110
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[♪ upbeat music playing]

111
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,591
Somebody grab the Ouija board.

112
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,677
I want to ask Jeffrey Epstein's ghost
if he really killed himself.

113
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Have any of you seen
a squeaky chew toy

114
00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:25,015
in the shape of
a rolled-up newspaper?

115
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:27,184
Headline reads,
"Chewie defeats Chewman?"

116
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,644
No, Brian, we haven't seen
your gross toy.

117
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,897
-Please leave.
-Fine. [sighs]

118
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:38,069
I'm not gonna leave
completely empty handed.

119
00:04:38,153 --> 00:04:41,990
You guys, I think Jeffrey Epstein
is coming through.

120
00:04:42,073 --> 00:04:45,285
Hey, how old...

121
00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:48,288
are you... ladies?

122
00:04:48,371 --> 00:04:49,956
[gasps] It's him.

123
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,291
[♪ upbeat music playing]

124
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,669
[sniffing and panting]

125
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,131
Mmm, yeah,
that's good chewing.

126
00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:00,884
And this, Emma,
is where the magic hat--

127
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,761
I thought you lived alone.

128
00:05:03,845 --> 00:05:04,971
Nice going, Brian.

129
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,765
You know how hard
it was to go from being

130
00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,934
duct taped to my seat
to bringing her home?

131
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:10,018
What are you even doing?

132
00:05:10,101 --> 00:05:12,145
Kind of just chewing
and sniffing Patty's bra.

133
00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:14,648
-Ugh, creepy.
-It's not creepy. I'm a dog.

134
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:16,650
If I don't chew something
every 40 minutes,

135
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:17,943
I go fricking crazy.

136
00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,027
[sniffs]

137
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,862
Oh, my God!
That's not good.

138
00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:24,491
What? I'm getting a whiff of breast cancer
from Patty's bra.

139
00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:26,576
I think Patty
may have breast cancer.

140
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:30,747
What? First Celine Dion gets stiff person
syndrome, and now this?

141
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,250
-It's so damn unfair.
-All right, calm down.

142
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:36,378
No, Brian, I'm still processing
stiff person syndrome,

143
00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:37,879
which is definitely
a real thing

144
00:05:37,963 --> 00:05:39,756
and not a way of getting
out of Vegas shows

145
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,675
that your agent husband
roped you into.

146
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:43,552
-I think we're getting off-track.
-Maybe.

147
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:45,136
But if Patty has
breast cancer,

148
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,721
you have to tell Meg
right away.

149
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,890
I can't do that. Then she'll know
I took the bra.

150
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,600
You need to tell her, Brian,

151
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,561
even though it's hard
to break bad news.

152
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:55,689
And I should know, I used to be a
department store spokesperson.

153
00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:59,401
As of today, Macy's is closing
one hundred of its stores.

154
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:01,194
So to be clear,
that's a hundred places

155
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,864
you can no longer buy funeral shirts
on a day's notice.

156
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:05,699
Everyone is going to have
to start thinking

157
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:07,784
about their funerals,
at least two days before.

158
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:11,329
But where else can shoppers get nice
watches that aren't actually nice?

159
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:14,165
Or take a dump in the mall without having
to buy something?

160
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:16,626
I suppose those will both have to be done
at Nordstrom.

161
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,129
After all, Nordstrom is
a thriving business--

162
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,922
Sir, from
Nordstrom Corporate.

163
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:25,051
[sighs] Okay, gang,
this is just a body blow of a day.

164
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,803
[♪ upbeat music playing]

165
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,933
Uh... hey, Meg.
How was the sleepover?

166
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:34,519
Good. The Ouija board
really came to life.

167
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:37,397
Some guy named Rene
said to stop making fun of his wife

168
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,691
and that stiff person
syndrome is a real thing.

169
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:42,360
Listen, there's something
important I need to tell you.

170
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:46,031
Last night, I took Patty's bra
to chew and sniff,

171
00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:48,825
and I think Patty may
have breast cancer.

172
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,828
[gasps] Oh, my God!
Oh, I've got to call her right away.

173
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,788
I mean, she's...
wait a minute.

174
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:55,498
Patty left here fully dressed.

175
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,584
Let me see that bra.
Do you have it?

176
00:06:58,209 --> 00:07:00,962
Brian? That's my bra.

177
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,049
Oh, cool.
We're taking our bras off?

178
00:07:04,883 --> 00:07:06,009
[sighs in relief]

179
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:08,136
The girls are out to play.

180
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:11,056
Welp, time to go tease
the boys down at the DQ.

181
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:16,353
They don't open till 11:00, and the
Starbucks said I couldn't wait inside.

182
00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,023
[♪ jazz music playing]

183
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:24,402
Look, I know
this must be stressful.

184
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:26,696
Sure you don't wanna tell Lois about
the breast cancer?

185
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:29,199
No, I don't want to worry her
until I know for sure.

186
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,117
Well, what about
telling Peter?

187
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:33,411
I actually tried,
but he was super distracted,

188
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:34,871
'cause he got
one of those dollies

189
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:36,956
that mechanics
used to slide under cars.

190
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:39,167
Dad, there's something
important I need--

191
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,961
What is it, Meg? I'm very busy
de-Boogey-Manning the bed.

192
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:45,006
Chris, bring my ratchet and some cinnamon.
They don't like cinnamon.

193
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:46,758
I'm not sure
that's gonna work.

194
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:48,593
Well, that's a very
vertical opinion.

195
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:51,930
I've seen Monsters, Inc
and Monsters University.

196
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,515
I think I know what I'm doing.

197
00:07:54,516 --> 00:07:56,643
Siri, what's another
word for "jugs?"

198
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:57,727
[Siri] Breasts?

199
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,271
I understand you may have
breasts cancer.

200
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:02,315
Well, that's what
we want to find out.

201
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:04,150
Mm. But you seem young
and healthy.

202
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,276
What brought you in?

203
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,696
My dog smelled cancer
on my bra.

204
00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:10,490
Oh, a dog smelled it?
They're like never wrong.

205
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,492
We've actually got
three of them on staff here.

206
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,327
This guy graduated
from Muttgers.

207
00:08:14,411 --> 00:08:16,037
This one from UC Barkley.

208
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,956
And she went to
Bitch-igan State.

209
00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,166
I'm kidding. They all went to
Texas Christian,

210
00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:21,751
but they're smart.
They're good.

211
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,671
"Grr-due" is another one.
But what's Meg's prognosis?

212
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:26,840
We'll wait for her test
results as a formality,

213
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:30,093
but if a dog smelled cancer on her,
I'm not optimistic.

214
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:32,095
Meg. If you have anything
on your bucket list,

215
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,179
this could be the time.

216
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,306
[gasps]
Are you saying I'm dying?

217
00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,934
Siri, what's a good excuse
to leave the room?

218
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:41,146
[Siri] Diarrhea is always an excellent
excuse to leave any room.

219
00:08:41,229 --> 00:08:43,606
Oh, please excuse me,
my phone has diarrhea.

220
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:45,734
[♪ upbeat music playing]

221
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:49,946
You guys are not
gonna believe this.

222
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,032
Lois and I played Truth
or Dare the other night,

223
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:54,367
but when I asked her how many guys
she's had sex with,

224
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:55,452
she wouldn't answer.

225
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,203
I gotta know!
It's driving me crazy!

226
00:08:57,287 --> 00:08:59,914
Well, Bonnie's only
ever been with one man,

227
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:02,292
-and you're looking at him.
-You sure about that?

228
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,128
Yeah. She got chlamydia from
a toilet seat. We talked about it.

229
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:07,589
Then the toilet seat sent her flowers
because it felt bad.

230
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:08,923
Open-and-shut case.

231
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,633
[♪ slow instrumental music]

232
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,223
So is a cancer diagnosis.

233
00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:20,185
A "radio on"
or a "radio off" situation?

234
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,478
You can turn it on.

235
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,480
[♪ upbeat music]
♪ She bangs, she bangs ♪

236
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,981
♪ I'm wasted by the way... ♪

237
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,691
[turns radio off]
We'll just go without.

238
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:27,984
You know, part of me is like,

239
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,986
I should probably
tell mom and dad about this,

240
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,739
but another part of me
is like, why bother?

241
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,658
I mean, no one in this family
even cares about me anyway.

242
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,368
Come on.
I'm here for you, Meg.

243
00:09:37,452 --> 00:09:39,913
We gotta come up with some way
to get your mind off this.

244
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:41,581
Maybe Dr. Hartman was right.

245
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,958
Is there a bucket list item
you've always wanted to do,

246
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,251
but you never
had the chance?

247
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,045
-I don't know.
-Anything, Meg.

248
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:49,255
Sky's the limit.
No dream is too big.

249
00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:51,007
-Anything?
-Anything.

250
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:52,634
Well...

251
00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:55,804
I've always wanted to pick out
on Garbage Can Nachos

252
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:58,181
at Chaz Inferno's Restaurant
in Orlando.

253
00:09:58,807 --> 00:10:02,352
Th... that's it? Yeah,
we... we can do that.

254
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,562
Really? Would we need
to contact Make-A-Wish?

255
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,606
Like, how would
we even do that?

256
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,441
I think just go there
and order them.

257
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:09,818
Well, can we go right now?

258
00:10:10,735 --> 00:10:12,695
Absolutely. Let's do it.

259
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,197
♪ Talk to me ♪

260
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,116
♪ Tell me your sign ♪

261
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:18,993
♪ You're switchin' sides
like a gemini ♪

262
00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:21,704
♪ You're playing games and now
you're hittin' my heart ♪

263
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:25,500
♪ Like a drum, yeah baby ♪

264
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:29,003
♪ Well, if Lady Luck
gets on my side ♪

265
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:31,589
♪ We're gonna rock
this town alive ♪

266
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,217
♪ I'll let her rough me up ♪

267
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,552
♪ 'Til she knocks me out ♪

268
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,345
♪ 'Cause she walks
like she talks ♪

269
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:39,180
♪ And she talks
like she walks ♪

270
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:40,932
♪ She bangs, she bangs ♪

271
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:42,684
♪ Oh, baby when... ♪

272
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,978
Look at that. Atlanta,
twenty miles.

273
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:49,607
You know, they say Atlanta
has the best strip clubs in the world.

274
00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:51,818
-Okay.
-They say NBA players

275
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,987
fly in from all over
to go to these clubs.

276
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:57,157
And they can go anywhere like
Shaquille O'Neal goes to these clubs.

277
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,076
It's been documented in court filings,
and if I'm not mistaken,

278
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,412
the Raptors are in town
playing the Hawks tonight.

279
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:06,166
See, Brian, you're the only one who ever
pays attention to what I care about.

280
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:07,667
Let's do it.

281
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,044
Plus, you've got cancer so you can eat
whatever you want.

282
00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:11,754
We don't have to
look at the strippers.

283
00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:13,423
They got big trays
of ziti in there.

284
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,133
[♪ dance music playing softly]

285
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:19,762
[cheering and whistling]

286
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:22,265
I got a bunch of quarters
from the change machine

287
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:24,225
so I can support
the strippers.

288
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,769
Ow, what are you doing?

289
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:28,688
Come on, I'm making it hail.

290
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:30,565
Damn it! Knock it off!

291
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,358
Hey, that one's
a bicentennial.

292
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:34,444
What? I'm gonna
need that back.

293
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,154
[♪ upbeat music playing]

294
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,033
Where's Meg and Brian?

295
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:42,535
I don't know, but he just
posted a close up photo

296
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:44,537
of a big tray
of strip club ziti,

297
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:47,332
and he tagged Meg, so I have to assume
they're fine.

298
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:50,210
Okay, good, they're eating.
Then we don't have to wait.

299
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,795
Chris, can you please
pass the peas

300
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,880
and ask your mother

301
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,424
how many peas
she's had in her mouth?

302
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:57,967
Peter, that's enough.

303
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,720
Chris, can you also ask your mother
to pass the chicken

304
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,973
and then ask her if the number of people
she slept with is more or less

305
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:07,227
than the number of herbs and spices in the
Colonel's secret recipe?

306
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:10,730
Slow down, I can't keep track of all
the foods you want passed.

307
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,899
Chris, Chris,
he's just doing a bit.

308
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,525
[♪ upbeat music playing]

309
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,238
Okay, this is us.

310
00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:20,198
Sorry, I couldn't
get us a nicer place.

311
00:12:20,281 --> 00:12:21,407
Are you kidding?

312
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:24,118
I recognized the guy who checked us in
from intervention.

313
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:27,038
Okay, there's a salamander
in our coffee pot,

314
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:28,748
I'm gonna go see
if I can swap that out.

315
00:12:28,831 --> 00:12:30,541
[cell phone ringing]

316
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:32,669
-Hello, Dr. Hartman.
-[Dr. Hartman] Hi, Meg,

317
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,963
you're gonna hear things in the background
of this call

318
00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:36,965
that make you think
I'm at a Dave & Buster's.

319
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:39,592
I assure you, I am not
at a Dave and Buster's

320
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,761
-[machine dings]
-[game voice] What a shot!

321
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,221
We're doing Covid boosters.

322
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,847
Are you calling
with my test results?

323
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,099
Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

324
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,725
-[dings]
-[game voice] Long distance.

325
00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:49,811
Ignore that.
That's just a medical device.

326
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,729
Oh, my God!
Do I have cancer?

327
00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:53,273
-Yes!
-Oh, no.

328
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,149
-Sorry. What?
-I have cancer?

329
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:58,027
Oh, no, no cancer. Your tests all came
back negative.

330
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,946
Oh, thank God.
What a relief.

331
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:01,447
Do you not have
any paper menus?

332
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:02,865
It's only a QR code?

333
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:04,951
Thank you so much,
Dr. Hartman.

334
00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:07,578
Yeah. Yeah, mazel tov.
I just want mozzarella sticks.

335
00:13:07,662 --> 00:13:09,289
Why are you
making this so hard?

336
00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:10,415
[phone beeps]

337
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:12,709
Brian, I have great news
to tell you.

338
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,918
Perfect. Thanks again.

339
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:16,587
I actually have great news too, Meg,
get this.

340
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:19,799
I managed to get your story
to Chaz Inferno himself.

341
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,718
And not only is he gonna
personally make you

342
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,261
Garbage Can Nachos,

343
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:26,431
he's also giving us
a $35 dine-in credit,

344
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:29,642
and he's gonna cut your hair and frost
your tips, table-side.

345
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,477
What? That's amazing.

346
00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:32,854
And what's your good news?

347
00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,023
Oh, um...

348
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:36,482
Brian, look at this plaque.

349
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,109
It's a historic room.

350
00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:40,611
Someone from Girls
Gone Wild died in here.

351
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:42,780
Oh, I remember her.
She didn't want to go wild.

352
00:13:42,864 --> 00:13:45,116
But then her friend
told her to. So she did.

353
00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:46,784
-Whoa!
-Yeah.

354
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:49,037
She's still in
Rob Schneider's phone.

355
00:13:51,122 --> 00:13:53,249
[♪ upbeat music playing]

356
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,841
Well, well, you must be
Brian and Meg.

357
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:04,010
Don't know if they told you up front,
but in here,

358
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:07,430
you're not allowed to not wear Oakleys
on the back of your head.

359
00:14:07,513 --> 00:14:09,432
Sweet. I just gotta say

360
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:11,059
it is an honor
to meet a man

361
00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:12,977
who's never driven
a car with a roof.

362
00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,604
Before we make these nachos,

363
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,356
how about we cut that hair
and frost those tips?

364
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:20,234
Whoa! Your hair is so hard.

365
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:22,028
Thank you. And it's super-hot,

366
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:24,030
I can't tell
if you're 30 or 60.

367
00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:25,698
Oh, good thing
we're doing this first.

368
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,450
So tiny hairs
don't get in the nachos.

369
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,285
Eh, there's tons
in there already.

370
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:30,703
Oh, right on.

371
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,413
[♪ upbeat music playing]

372
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,375
All right, Lois, we're just gonna
do this one by one.

373
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,795
Did you sleep
with Arthur Aaronson?

374
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,379
Peter, come on.

375
00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:42,965
Did you sleep
with Acme Pest Control?

376
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,884
Look, I thought
we were past this.

377
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,969
You still got to finish
our Truth or Dare game.

378
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:49,722
I licked Joe's mailbox,
but you never took your turn.

379
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:52,642
[sighs in exasperation] Okay, fine.
I'll finish the game.

380
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,143
But I'm only doing a dare.

381
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,978
Okay, dare, huh?

382
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:58,856
Then I dare you to rollerblade
off the Swanson's roof

383
00:14:58,940 --> 00:14:59,982
and into their pool.

384
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,859
And that'll finally
shut you up.

385
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:02,944
Yep.

386
00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:04,946
[♪ thrilling instrumental
music playing]

387
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,407
Ah!

388
00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:11,494
Oh, God, it's higher
up here than it looks.

389
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,913
You chose dare.
This is the dare.

390
00:15:13,996 --> 00:15:17,166
Peter, stop doing Truth
or Dare stuff to my house.

391
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,793
This doesn't concern you, Joe.

392
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:20,545
[Lois] I feel very unsafe.

393
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:22,046
That's it.
I'm calling the cops.

394
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,048
-[buttons beeping]
-[cell phone ringing]

395
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:25,133
Hello?

396
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,884
There's a woman
on my roof.

397
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,636
Sir, I can't really
help you right now.

398
00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:30,721
I'm dealing with someone
on my own roof.

399
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:33,599
I'm going, Peter!

400
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,269
[whimpering]

401
00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:39,897
-[Lois yelps]
-Oh, my God!

402
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:42,400
Aah, damn it!
Ow, it hurts so much.

403
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:44,944
-Oh, God!
-Oh, your leg hurts?

404
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,279
What's that like?

405
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:47,697
[♪ upbeat music playing]

406
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:52,618
Well, we almost polished off
those Garbage Can Nachos.

407
00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:54,745
-Dirt?
-Mm. No, thanks.

408
00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,038
I'll have a little dirt.

409
00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:58,833
[stomach rumbling]

410
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,878
Oh, feels like those nachos are making
a run for the border.

411
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,379
I better hit
the bathroom, stat.

412
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,756
Excuse me, can you wrap up
the rest of our food?

413
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,134
Definitely.
Nachos travel great.

414
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,468
[cell phone ringing]

415
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:14,807
Hello, Dr. Hartman?

416
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:17,351
It's Brian. Are you calling
with Meg's test results?

417
00:16:17,435 --> 00:16:20,479
[Dr. Hartman] What? No. I told Meg
yesterday her results were negative.

418
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,482
I was just calling to see why she hasn't
given me a yelp review yet?

419
00:16:23,566 --> 00:16:25,401
-Yesterday?
-Oh, and can you do me a favor

420
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:27,904
and put my name in Meg's phone
as The Hammer?

421
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,197
I'm trying to get that going.

422
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,406
No, I'm not doing that.

423
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,158
-Okay, Hammer out.
-[line disconnects]

424
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,036
Why wouldn't Meg have told me?

425
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:42,168
Meg, it's Brian. Is there something
you want to tell me?

426
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,545
[Meg] Ugh, yeah.

427
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,132
There's an adult
changing station in here,

428
00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,968
and the weight limit
is 500 pounds.

429
00:16:51,052 --> 00:16:52,511
I just talked to Dr. Hartman.

430
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:53,930
[Meg] Ugh, The Hammer.

431
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:57,266
He's gonna be psyched you said that,
but he told me he called you yesterday

432
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,809
with your negative
test results.

433
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:00,937
[Meg] Brian, I'm about
three Gatorade's away...

434
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,648
[straining] from being able
to have this conversation.

435
00:17:03,731 --> 00:17:06,025
Meg, you lied to me.
I was super worried.

436
00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:09,445
I thought you were gonna die and you took
advantage of me. Why would you do that?

437
00:17:09,528 --> 00:17:10,863
[toilet flushes]

438
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:14,492
Uh, I guess I just saw a chance to
live out one of my dreams

439
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:16,494
and realized it might
never happen again.

440
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:18,704
I can't believe
how selfish that is.

441
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,373
You know what?
As far as I'm concerned,

442
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,208
you can find
your own ride home.

443
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,710
-Are you the one in the Prius?
-Yes. Why?

444
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:28,339
Yeah, a few of the other patrons did some
terrible things to your car.

445
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:29,882
You're not Jewish, are you?

446
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,677
-No.
-Okay, then they got some of it wrong.

447
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,845
[♪ soft jazz music playing]

448
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,766
[sighs wearily]

449
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,768
Oh, Lois, you're awake.

450
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:42,812
By the way, this lighting
makes you look old.

451
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,189
Did I break my leg?

452
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:47,149
Yes. And it's all my fault.

453
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,068
I should never have
hounded you so much.

454
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:52,321
Lois, we've logged
a lot of miles together.

455
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:55,449
We've raised a family
and you're my life partner.

456
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,910
I don't need to know how many guys
you've been with.

457
00:17:57,994 --> 00:18:01,998
The fact is, I love you
more than any number.

458
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,959
It's okay, Peter,
I want to tell you.

459
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:07,295
I don't want
any secrets between us.

460
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,423
-The number is 60.
-Whoa!

461
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:13,634
Okay, a little higher than
what I thought it would be,

462
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,761
but I guess 16 ain't so bad.

463
00:18:15,845 --> 00:18:18,556
No, no, Peter,
Sixty, six-zero.

464
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:19,890
[bleeping]

465
00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:23,936
We've got a code orange.

466
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,564
-What's that?
-When a husband finds out his wife has

467
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:29,442
slept with way more guys
than he thought, she's a 60.

468
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,820
Holy crap. That's like all
the presidents for 250 years,

469
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:34,905
plus a softball team
and a half.

470
00:18:34,989 --> 00:18:38,200
I'm sure glad they covered this
At Texas Christian.

471
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,453
[♪ slow instrumental
music playing]

472
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,460
-[alarm beeping]
-[tires screeching]

473
00:18:54,383 --> 00:18:55,509
[sighs wearily]

474
00:18:58,679 --> 00:18:59,764
How'd you get ahead of me?

475
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:01,182
A trucker picked me up,

476
00:19:01,265 --> 00:19:03,476
he asked for
ass, gas or grass,

477
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:06,437
so I gave him ass gas and he got mad
and tossed me.

478
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,023
This is why I always say,
commas matter.

479
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:10,691
[sighs] Get in.

480
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:13,778
I still can't believe
you lied about cancer

481
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,030
just to go to
a Chaz Inferno restaurant.

482
00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:17,948
What? What are you
talking about?

483
00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,076
Brian, when I said
one of my dreams,

484
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,912
I wasn't talking about
eating at Chaz Infernos.

485
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,790
I was talking about,
for the first time ever,

486
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:28,584
actually having real fun
with a family member

487
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,545
who wasn't mocking me
or farting in my face

488
00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,464
or telling me I'm ugly.

489
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:36,801
I guess I lied to you because I just
wanted this amazing trip

490
00:19:36,884 --> 00:19:39,136
we've been having
to last a little longer.

491
00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:41,013
You know what?

492
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,307
I've had a really good time
with you, too, Meg.

493
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:46,185
And the truth is, when Dr. Hartman
said I might die,

494
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:48,562
all I could think about was
spending the rest of my life

495
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:50,940
with someone who really loves
and cares about me.

496
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:52,733
And that was you.

497
00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:55,277
Of course, Meg, we're family.

498
00:20:00,324 --> 00:20:03,452
But wait, then why did
your bra smell like cancer?

499
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,705
Yeah. You know, I was
thinking about that.

500
00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:08,332
Maybe because I buy all my undergarments
at thrift stores.

501
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,668
Ew, bro, you gotta
wash 'em Johns.

502
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:13,045
Hey, is that... is that Peter
at the Dairy Queen?

503
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,213
It is.

504
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:17,758
Dad, what are you doing?

505
00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,845
I blizzarded and boobed
my way down to Florida.

506
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:24,473
I'm entitled to this.
Your mother's had 60 men.

507
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,728
[♪ upbeat music playing]

508
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:32,440
[man on TV]
We now return to 60 Minutes.

509
00:20:32,523 --> 00:20:35,776
I thought we agreed to banish
the number 60 from this house.

510
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:38,070
Are you still
upset about this?

511
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:40,072
I told you one of them
was just so I could

512
00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:42,032
get cast in
Shakespeare In Love.

513
00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:43,159
That doesn't help.

514
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:46,328
Well, what if I said you were bigger
than all of them?

515
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:48,622
-Huh? Would that help?
-Actually, yes.

516
00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,458
[gasps] Lois, Truth or Dare?

517
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:53,169
Of all the guys you've
been with, am I the biggest?

518
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:54,670
Definitely, Peter,

519
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,756
[♪ slow music playing]

520
00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:58,257
[both moaning softly]

521
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:01,051
[announcer]
Marriage, just lie.

522
00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:02,762
It's not that big a deal.

523
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:06,098
[closing theme music playing]