1
00:00:02,294 --> 00:00:04,922
<i>♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪</i>

2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,091
<i>♪ Is violence in movies
And sex on TV ♪</i>

3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,678
<i>♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪</i>

4
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<i>♪ On which we used to rely? ♪</i>

5
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<i>♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪</i>

6
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<i>♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪</i>

7
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<i>♪ All the things
That make us ♪</i>

8
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<i>♪ Laugh and cry! ♪</i>

9
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<i>♪ He's a family guy! ♪</i>

10
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{\an8}Wait a minute.
This isn't the Patriots game.

11
00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:41,208
{\an8}Peter, I told you
we're going to church today

12
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{\an8}because we're being honored
for our charity work.

13
00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:44,962
{\an8}What charity work?

14
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,172
{\an8}Remember that day
I dragged you all here

15
00:00:47,256 --> 00:00:49,675
{\an8}so we could make eight
sandwiches for the homeless?

16
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:53,345
{\an8}Well, they're giving us
a paper certificate in front of everybody.

17
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:56,348
{\an8}I hope the priest
who plays basketball is here today.

18
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,021
{\an8}You made me put
on a suit for this?

19
00:01:03,105 --> 00:01:04,523
{\an8}This thing is way too tight.

20
00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:07,609
{\an8}I've been telling you to buy
a new suit for 20 years.

21
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:10,237
{\an8}And we're dressed up because
this is a big deal for me.

22
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,447
{\an8}But that
maybe-teenager-maybe-man

23
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,449
{\an8}is wearing
his Undertaker sweatshirt.

24
00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:18,829
{\an8}Aw, and he gets
to do iPad time?

25
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:21,957
{\an8}Stop squirming.

26
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,251
{\an8}Can you be a normal husband
for one day?

27
00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:26,628
{\an8}Before we begin,

28
00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:30,549
{\an8}I would like to honor one family's
outstanding service to the community.

29
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,175
{\an8}It's not the basketball one.

30
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,970
{\an8}Please put your hands together
for the winners

31
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:38,599
{\an8}of the third annual Jesus
Christ Memorial Award,

32
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{\an8}the Griffins.

33
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{\an8}I do apologize,

34
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{\an8}our printer ran out of ink,
so this is just a blank piece of paper.

35
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{\an8}We would also be delighted
if you'd take the first communion.

36
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<i>But Peter's suit pants
had been pushed so far to the edge</i>

37
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<i>that one measly wafer
was more than they could take.</i>

38
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,207
Peter!

39
00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:06,293
{\an8}What a buffoon!

40
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:07,586
{\an8}She married him?

41
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{\an8}Next week, we won't be here
because we're going to Virginia Beach.

42
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:11,673
{\an8}It's not that bad.

43
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:15,761
{\an8}Let he who has not split
his pants in church, cast the first stone.

44
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,471
{\an8}Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop! Okay!

45
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,064
Hey, Stewie. What's going on?

46
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:31,568
Brian, I've just received an invitation to
the toddler social event of the season.

47
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,446
{\an8}- Wow. What is it?
- It's a nighttime costume party.

48
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And it starts at 5:30.
"Uber strongly encouraged."

49
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I'd better reserve mine now.

50
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,288
Oh, boy.

51
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,213
Wait a minute.
This isn't the Patriots game.

52
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:53,173
Look, we are shopping
for new pants.

53
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I can't believe you showed
the entire church your bare ass.

54
00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:59,388
Well, I'm just glad
everything is back to normal.

55
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No, it isn't. You didn't
even change your pants.

56
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I mean, look at you.
You're a mess.

57
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You are lucky we're married

58
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{\an8}because no other woman
would ever find you attractive.

59
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:09,564
{\an8}Oh, yeah?

60
00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,024
{\an8}Hi, Peter Griffin.

61
00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:13,193
{\an8}You may recognize me
from a certain piece

62
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:16,488
{\an8}of Rhode Island legislation
called Griffin's Law.

63
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{\an8}You can't use the bathroom in a steakhouse
unless you order something.

64
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:25,122
Oh, God, Peter,
you are embarrassing yourself.

65
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You're an overweight, middle-aged man
who just had to have a priest

66
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tape his ass shut in front
of all our friends and family.

67
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Do you know how unusual it is
for a priest to tape one of those shut?

68
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How was the party?

69
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All right, I want to tell you,
but before I do,

70
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do you know the maids' parts
from "I Could Have Danced All Night"?

71
00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:47,561
- No.
- All right. Well, the point is

72
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:49,521
I could have danced all night.

73
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:51,857
Well, I'm glad you had fun.
Let's get you to bed.

74
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,401
Huh.
Something feels different.

75
00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:56,528
Do you... Do you have
a little bald spot?

76
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:59,614
What? No! It's time for bed,
Stewie, come on.

77
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- No.
- What did you say?

78
00:04:01,616 --> 00:04:05,120
I said no.
You go to bed, you short, bald bitch.

79
00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:11,042
I can't believe Lois
thinks I'm unattractive.

80
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,961
Do all women see me this way?

81
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,297
You know, if you really want
to test your desirability,

82
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,549
you should set up a profile
on a dating app.

83
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,594
You know, like Stumble
or Pair of Plegics.

84
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,221
You're right! I'll just marry
a second woman!

85
00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:25,599
No, Peter, you won't actually
meet up with anybody.

86
00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:28,518
You just get on the app to see
if women match with you.

87
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,188
Then you have proof
that you're attractive.

88
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,856
Joe, you're a genius.

89
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:37,068
Peter, as a married man,
surely you shouldn't join a dating app.

90
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:39,362
I'm sorry, guys,
but I have to do this.

91
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:42,032
When you die, you don't think about
how much money you had.

92
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:44,451
You think about
how many matches you got.

93
00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:46,745
Chris, come closer.

94
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,457
One of my matches
was a Latina.

95
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,375
You've said that
several times now.

96
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,169
She was from the Caribbean.

97
00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:55,462
That's even better.

98
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,214
It's okay for you to go now.

99
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:59,341
Big, fat ass.

100
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,718
Does anyone have a pillow?

101
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,934
All right,
my profile is all set up.

102
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:11,436
Now the matches roll in.

103
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,231
"Proud owner of new pants."

104
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:18,860
And your only photo is of you arguing over
your bill at the Ponderosa Steakhouse?

105
00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:20,111
Who took this?

106
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,823
There were a lot of people
with their phones out. It got loud.

107
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:25,909
"I once saw Steven Tyler
at the airport."

108
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,994
I guess
that's interesting-adjacent.

109
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:31,081
- Steven Tyler? What terminal?
- Qantas.

110
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,333
Huh, no kidding. Qantas?

111
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:36,461
Geez, Peter, you're sitting on
the Rolls-Royce of anecdotes.

112
00:05:36,545 --> 00:05:37,796
Peter,
this isn't gonna cut it.

113
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:41,716
You need to present a perfectly curated
profile, and we're gonna help you.

114
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,093
Wow. Thanks, guys.

115
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:45,303
Now, let's go take some photos
that suggest you have

116
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:47,764
literally any hobbies
besides drinking.

117
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:53,270
Hey, listen, do you think I could tell
that Steven Tyler story like it's my own?

118
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,604
It'd really help me out.

119
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:55,897
Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

120
00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:58,942
{\an8}And right there
in the middle of the Qantas terminal,

121
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,944
is Mr. Rag Doll himself,

122
00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,153
Steven Tyler.

123
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,030
Wow, what an amazing sighting!

124
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,074
Can I tell that story
like it's my own?

125
00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:07,158
No.

126
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:12,622
Hey, Brian. Wait.

127
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,167
We literally look
like Schwarzenegger and DeVito in <i>Twins.</i>

128
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:18,587
Oh, my God,
this is everything!

129
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,842
Oh, God. Life is funny, man.

130
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:25,302
All right, get out of my seat.

131
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,305
So, whoever is the tallest
just gets to do whatever they want?

132
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,974
I mean, I didn't say it,
but it sounds like a good system.

133
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:33,059
Okay, if that's
how you want it.

134
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:35,020
Whaa... You said that

135
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,688
knowing you were taller
than me.

136
00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:39,107
Yeah.
Who's a short, bald bitch now?

137
00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:40,984
You bastard! How'd you do it?

138
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,737
Gardening clogs.

139
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,196
Why is funny?

140
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,033
The joke is
he wears normal shoes?

141
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:49,743
I don't get it either.

142
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:52,537
Now let's cut your bangs
in the back of your hair

143
00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:56,750
in a very normal way
while I sing the Dutch national anthem.

144
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,294
<i>♪ Windmills
blowing in the wind ♪</i>

145
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:02,547
<i>♪ And tulips and chocolate
are also good ♪</i>

146
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,132
Peter,
if you're gonna have a profile

147
00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:05,759
that can compete
with the best of 'em,

148
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,595
first, we need something
to show that you're politically active.

149
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:11,097
Yeah, but these days
you can't risk isolating anybody.

150
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:14,267
You need to make a strong
yet vague political statement.

151
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:15,769
Here, take this sign.

152
00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:17,270
"We Are Us"?

153
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:19,648
What does that mean?
Kinda just sounds like nothing.

154
00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:22,025
You think we aren't us?

155
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,777
I... I... I guess not.

156
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,321
You'll also want
to wrap yourself in this American flag.

157
00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:27,822
Are those question marks?

158
00:07:27,906 --> 00:07:31,076
Look who's asking
the right questions.

159
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:34,287
All right, now just kneel down
in front of this fire station

160
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,957
so the whole thing
seems vaguely related to law enforcement.

161
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:45,340
Next, we want to show women
that you're easygoing and outdoorsy.

162
00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:47,926
Let's get a picture of you
holding this surfboard.

163
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,970
Now let's get one
in just my swim trunks.

164
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:53,556
I'll simply take off
this damp wet suit.

165
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:15,120
Can you guys help me?

166
00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:19,124
Sorry, Peter.
Our hands are covered in beach taco aioli.

167
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,260
Outdoorsy.

168
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,978
- Oh, hey, Chris.
- Are you Slender Man?

169
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,021
What? No, it's me, Stewie.

170
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:45,150
I think I'll go kill
some people in the woods just in case.

171
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,902
Seems like he was going
to do that regardless.

172
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:50,822
Hey, Brian, I have
something to show you!

173
00:08:50,905 --> 00:08:52,949
Oh, good.
I was just looking for y...

174
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,368
- Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon?
- Uncle Sam stilts on Amazon.

175
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,579
Yeah, they get real cheap
after Presidents' Day.

176
00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:00,957
Well, I'm off to go
establish myself as the town tall guy.

177
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,127
Yeah, right.
More like... more like town small fry.

178
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,505
Oof.
Major short king energy, Bri.

179
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:11,176
Hey, how you doing?
Beautiful day for it.

180
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:13,303
- Hey!
- Ah, crap.

181
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,973
Ha! How's the weather
down there, pipsqueak?

182
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,184
I don't know, Bruno Mars.

183
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:21,478
How is it not being allowed
on roller coasters

184
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,647
and putting out
album after album of undeniable hits?

185
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,653
Time out. Time out.
I can't breathe.

186
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:34,824
Hey, boys. Out for a run?

187
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:38,286
Oh, hey. Yeah.
We're just putting these bad boys to use.

188
00:09:38,369 --> 00:09:39,954
We're all about being active.

189
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,623
That's so awesome!

190
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:43,374
I'm Sydney and this is Odette.

191
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:45,293
You know,
as runway fashion models,

192
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,504
it's hard to find men
who are tall enough for us.

193
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:51,132
Is it just me, or is every guy these days
a short, bald bitch?

194
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,593
No way. We were literally
just saying that.

195
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:56,012
Hey, you guys should
come out with us tonight.

196
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:59,015
We're going to a club that's free
for us to get into but $45 for you.

197
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,309
- Oh, word?
- Here's our Instagram handles.

198
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:03,937
We both do sponsored posts
but have few enough followers

199
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,980
that it's confusing
why anyone is paying us.

200
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:07,232
See you later.

201
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:09,192
Brian, do you know
what this means?

202
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,860
- We get to dance!
- We get to have sex!

203
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,238
Oh, yeah, and... and...
and sex with models.

204
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:14,447
So dope.

205
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,702
I launched a profile
with the pictures we took

206
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,204
and I ain't gotten
a single match.

207
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:22,747
And I've been
messaging everyone.

208
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,208
Just to reiterate,
you are married.

209
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,043
You're right. I can't give up.

210
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,503
Maybe the app
just isn't working.

211
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,630
Quagmire,
try sending me a test message.

212
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,889
Ah, Peter, it's me!
And the message just said "test".

213
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:43,518
There's not a single woman on here
who's even slightly interested in me.

214
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:44,894
Maybe Lois was right.

215
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,896
I am completely undesirable.

216
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,106
She doesn't want me.

217
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,315
She doesn't want me.

218
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,692
She doesn't want me.

219
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,902
Wait, wait. Wait a minute.
Back up to that last one.

220
00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:58,324
Lois has a profile
on a dating app?

221
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:01,244
Oh, my God, I have a profile
on a dating app?

222
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,163
Oh, boy, Peter,
I think all those concussions

223
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,789
over the years
are starting to add up.

224
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:06,207
Let me take you
to the blue tent.

225
00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:09,502
<i>And Peter
is now being helped over to the blue tent.</i>

226
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:12,297
<i>That is not something
that anyone wants to see.</i>

227
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,757
<i>Yeah,
Peter's had his bell rung a few times.</i>

228
00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,552
<i>At this point,
you think someone would step in.</i>

229
00:11:17,635 --> 00:11:20,722
<i>And now it looks as if
Peter has farted inside the blue tent</i>

230
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:24,017
<i>and they're gonna let it air out
before continuing the evaluation.</i>

231
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,394
<i>I think
we're looking at a fart joke, Jim.</i>

232
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:29,647
<i>Oh, boy. Looks like
they're taking Peter's pants away.</i>

233
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,900
<i>This might be it
for Peter for the night.</i>

234
00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,444
<i>Sounds like
he misjudged that fart joke.</i>

235
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,197
<i>Oh, and they're putting
the pants on the cart.</i>

236
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,823
<i>They're driving him
out of here.</i>

237
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,492
<i>Oh, that's great.
You always like to see that.</i>

238
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,751
I can't believe Lois
is on a dating app.

239
00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:51,085
I don't know what to do, guys.

240
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:54,047
Well, why don't you just talk
to her honestly about it?

241
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,382
You know what, Cleveland?
This might be funny to you,

242
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:58,009
but I have
a real problem here.

243
00:11:58,092 --> 00:11:59,677
Well, you can't
confront Lois directly,

244
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,096
or else she'll know you have
a profile on the app too.

245
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:05,433
Why don't you tell Lois
that Quagmire saw her on the app.

246
00:12:05,516 --> 00:12:07,393
Eh, sorry, Joe,
but Lois would know

247
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:08,895
that I have
an under 30 filter.

248
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:09,979
Kinda unrealistic.

249
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,315
Well, then it seems I'll just
have to go convince her

250
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,151
to out herself
in my own subtle manner.

251
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:23,451
And where have you been?

252
00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,911
I was at the grocery store.

253
00:12:24,994 --> 00:12:27,622
How did you make it dark
in here at 3:00 pm?

254
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:31,709
Did you come home
with any dates or eggplants?

255
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:33,461
Look, if you are craving
Lebanese food,

256
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:36,005
you have to to let me know
before I go to the store.

257
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,508
Let me ask you this,
when you're going number two,

258
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,551
which way do you swipe?

259
00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:42,387
Uh, back to front?

260
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,722
Oh, boy. Well, then we have
two problems.

261
00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,432
What's gotten into you lately?

262
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,726
That's exactly what I want
to know about you!

263
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,020
Yo, we doing Lebanese tonight?

264
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,564
I could high-key wreck some baba ghanoush.

265
00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:56,192
Ugh. Go back to your room.
You're done for the day.

266
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,277
Deuces!

267
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:05,910
Stewie, this is a dance club.

268
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,453
We can't dance
on these things.

269
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:10,873
Relax, Brian. Just stand in place
and dance with your hands.

270
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:17,171
So, am I the tallest guy
you've ever dated?

271
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,590
No, I used to date Shaq.

272
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:21,134
Oh, cool. Cool.

273
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:25,054
Y... You may not be impressed
with what I'm working with.

274
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,557
You know you can't wear
underwear with this dress.

275
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,767
Oh, no,
did you keep the receipt?

276
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,189
Oh, my God, that was amazing.

277
00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:37,984
I'm so glad you just
came alive again after that Narcan.

278
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,610
'Cause you were like,
"Ooh, I'm dead."

279
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,696
And then you were like,
"Ah! I'm okay. Let's go!"

280
00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,407
I mean, if anything,
you were more fun after the Narcan.

281
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,492
Aw, you're so sweet.

282
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,494
We had such a good time
with you guys tonight.

283
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:54,792
We were wondering if you'd want to meet up
again tomorrow and have some real fun.

284
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,669
Yeah, yeah,
we... we could be down.

285
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:57,837
Cool!

286
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:02,008
Stewie, this is amazing.
Those girls want to have sex!

287
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:05,678
Oh, hell, yeah!
I'm gonna have sex like a real grown up.

288
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:07,055
I can picture it now.

289
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,557
What's in your sex briefcase?

290
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,684
Oh, all kinds
of grown up sex stuff.

291
00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:17,148
I am so sorry.
This never happens.

292
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,945
I gave Lois the perfect chance
to come clean about cheating,

293
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,322
and she didn't
tell me anything.

294
00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:26,657
Which is why I'm resorting
to Plan B.

295
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:30,078
Make a fake profile
and see if she responds to it.

296
00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:33,664
{\an8}Derek Bandana?
Peter, who is this?

297
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:35,625
It's Chris's hot
school bus driver.

298
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,502
I gave him 20 bucks
to pose for pictures,

299
00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,463
and based on his reaction,
I probably could have gone a lot lower.

300
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:43,633
"Rogan, bourbon, gym, repeat"?

301
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,843
He gets drunk
and then works out?

302
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,720
All we gotta do now is play
the waiting game

303
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,222
until Lois takes the bait.

304
00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,849
Oh, she swiped right.

305
00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:53,768
- What do I do?
- Ask her to dinner.

306
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,646
If she says yes, then you know
she's cheating and you can divorce her

307
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,774
so she can get remarried to whichever one
of your friends she wants.

308
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,947
Oh, my God!
Lois is cheating on me!

309
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:09,158
Damn! Mom will open it up
for anybody.

310
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,661
Meg, we said you're done.
Get out of Quagmire's house.

311
00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,789
Deuces! New catchphrase.

312
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:20,461
Are you sure
we're in the right place?

313
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:21,963
This is the address
they told me.

314
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:24,382
A little public for my taste,
but I can make do.

315
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:25,925
Let me just pay
the sun bleached,

316
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,678
scratched out parking meter
that I can't see at all.

317
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:30,429
{\an8}What? I can't...

318
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,600
All right, we're either good
for two hours or we're gonna get towed.

319
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:39,897
Hi, boys. Before we have some real fun,
we like to work up a sweat.

320
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:44,735
And since we know you two are so active,
we want you to do our Beach Olympics.

321
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:50,408
Hey, if this is the Olympics, call me
Usain Bolt because Jamaican me crazy.

322
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:51,492
Okay!

323
00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:53,161
Brian, I don't know if this is
a good idea.

324
00:15:53,244 --> 00:15:55,288
Why don't we just take off
the stilts and go home?

325
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:58,374
Are you kidding me? I don't want to
go back to being a short, bald bitch.

326
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:00,877
I'm about to get laid
by a runway model.

327
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,171
Right. Right.
Being tall, getting laid.

328
00:16:12,889 --> 00:16:14,265
Was it good for you too?

329
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:17,018
Is everything okay?

330
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:20,396
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
A-okay over here. Let's do this thing.

331
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:22,607
Are you sure you don't
want to change?

332
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:26,861
No, I only ever exercise in a black wool
duster and pleated gabardine pants.

333
00:16:26,944 --> 00:16:28,404
Awesome! Follow us.

334
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:39,207
Whoo! Come on, boys!

335
00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:40,499
Just race to us!

336
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:43,461
And then we'll head to the beach house
to unwind in the hot tub.

337
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:45,671
It's not our house,
but anything that belongs

338
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:49,175
to rich horny guys also
technically belongs to us!

339
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:50,718
I don't think
I can do this anymore.

340
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,303
Stewie,
you have to push through.

341
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:54,263
Do you know how good
hot tub sex is?

342
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,225
I gotta tell you something
I've never told anyone before.

343
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,228
I don't think I know
what sex is.

344
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,313
Well, screw it.
I'm going, with or without you.

345
00:17:02,396 --> 00:17:05,024
I guess that makes me
the tall guy.

346
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,108
You son of a--

347
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,860
- Whoo!
- Love it!

348
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,801
Keep going!

349
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,178
Yeah!

350
00:17:36,931 --> 00:17:37,974
Come on, boys!

351
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,475
Whoo-hoo!

352
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:40,935
Whoo-hoo!

353
00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:56,325
So, this whole time
you were just a baby and a dog on stilts?

354
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,203
You're not also a baby
and a dog on stilts, are you?

355
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:01,163
No, we are not.

356
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,583
Then I guess we are done here.

357
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,294
Stewie, I'm really sorry.

358
00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:09,422
No, no, I get it.
You wanted to have sex with those girls.

359
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:10,715
Hell, I did too.

360
00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:13,259
It wasn't just that.
Seeing you taller than me

361
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:16,012
made me realize
that I'll always be this height.

362
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,431
But soon I'm gonna have
to watch you grow up.

363
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:22,393
I guess I was just worried
you'd outgrow me as a friend too.

364
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,312
Oh, you just don't want
to be the short one.

365
00:18:24,395 --> 00:18:25,605
Well, who does?

366
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:27,231
Oh, Brian, don't worry.

367
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,358
You'll always be
my best friend.

368
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,239
Check it out. Looks like
our dates have already moved on.

369
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,494
Yeah, we could never compete
with those muscle guys.

370
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:48,753
All right,
time to catch Lois red handed.

371
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:53,424
Well, well, well.

372
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:56,177
I bet you weren't expecting
to see me here.

373
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,388
Peter, I knew
you were Derek Bandana the whole time.

374
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,890
What? How?

375
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:03,893
You think I wouldn't
recognize Chris's bus driver?

376
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,646
Also, I could see
your reflection in his sunglasses,

377
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:09,065
and Chris is behind him
in the photo.

378
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,775
And I am behind Chris.

379
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:12,943
Okay, you might have known
I was Derek Bandana,

380
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:15,780
but that doesn't explain
why you're sleeping with guys on that app.

381
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:18,741
Oh, Peter,
that's not why I'm on there.

382
00:19:18,824 --> 00:19:20,868
I've never swiped on anyone.

383
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:24,664
It's just... It's nice
to get attention from men.

384
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:27,792
I'd never act on it,
but it helps my self-esteem.

385
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,002
After all, I'm not getting
any younger,

386
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:33,798
and sometimes I start to wonder
how desirable I still am.

387
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:36,676
That's exactly
why I made a profile too!

388
00:19:36,759 --> 00:19:39,970
I was feeling so lousy
after our conversation at the pants store

389
00:19:40,054 --> 00:19:43,057
that I got on the app
to try to prove that women like me.

390
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,059
Oh, Peter, I'm sorry.

391
00:19:45,142 --> 00:19:47,478
I never should have said
those things to you.

392
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:49,647
And I'm sorry for spending
thousands of dollars

393
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:52,692
on your credit card to boost
my dating app profile.

394
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:56,987
You know, maybe we should just complement
each other once in a while, huh?

395
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:58,614
I don't know,
that feels like a lot.

396
00:19:58,698 --> 00:19:59,907
What do you say?

397
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:02,368
Delete our apps
on the count of three?

398
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,371
- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

399
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:09,875
Damn it, Peter!

400
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,210
"Yes, I'm up."

401
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,468
Thanks for helping me
with the dating app, guys.

402
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,513
But Lois and I made up
and everything's back to normal.

403
00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,140
- Glad to hear it.
- You got it.

404
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,850
You guys are never
gonna believe this.

405
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,269
Steven Tyler
is in the bathroom.

406
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,605
Joe, stealing my Steven Tyler
airport story is one thing,

407
00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:32,732
but this is just pathetic.

408
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:33,816
I'm serious!

409
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:35,776
We're trying to have
a conversation here, man.

410
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:42,241
Sorry, Steven.
They didn't want to come say hi.

411
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:44,785
For the last time,
I'm not Steven Tyler.

412
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:47,830
And you really shouldn't be
looking under the stall doors like that.

413
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,874
Going incognito, I like it.

414
00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:54,420
Hey, what was it like when that firework
blasted your cornea off in '77?

415
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,590
Man, I... I don't know.
Probably bad.

416
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,425
No kidding.

417
00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:02,845
Steven Tyler
in my handicap stall.