1 00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:04,922 ♪ It seems today That all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,258 ♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:12,012 ♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:14,973 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:18,227 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,522 ♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things That make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,900 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:30,072 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:37,204 {\an8}Hello, tech support? 11 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:40,541 {\an8}Yes, my time machine is giving me error code 17. 12 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:44,294 {\an8}No, I did not make love to a bear on it. Shh. 13 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,798 {\an8}But if some bear did have his world rocked on this thing, 14 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,424 {\an8}would that void the warranty? 15 00:00:49,508 --> 00:00:51,218 {\an8}Oh, boy. Time machine trouble? 16 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,595 {\an8}You know there's one time machine that never breaks 17 00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:56,723 {\an8}and is always ready to take you anywhere, anytime. 18 00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:57,808 {\an8}A good book. 19 00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,102 {\an8}Ugh, sorry, my dog is very cringe. 20 00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:03,563 {\an8}I'm Brian Griffin and tonight we'll take my time machine 21 00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,148 {\an8}to three periods in history. 22 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:07,943 {\an8}I don't know. I think he's doing, like, court-ordered community service. 23 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:11,029 {\an8}Let's start with the story of the French Revolution. 24 00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:13,323 {\an8}The year was 1789. 25 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:16,034 {\an8}King Louis the 16th and his wife, Marie Antoinette, 26 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:18,036 {\an8}were throwing Moulin Rouge parties. 27 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,080 {\an8}Many of which devolved into orgies, 28 00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:23,083 {\an8}covering the walls with yicky-yicky-ya-ya-ja-ja. 29 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,835 {\an8}- More songs per minute. 30 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,044 {\an8}Louder songs. 31 00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,672 {\an8}Everyone must get a Baz Luhrmann headache. 32 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,382 {\an8}Yes, Your Majesty. 33 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,593 {\an8}God, I love French dancing. 34 00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:35,345 {\an8}If there's anything hotter than women standing in a line 35 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,724 {\an8}and kicking their legs up really high, I haven't seen it. 36 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:40,309 {\an8}Bad news, King Louis. 37 00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,728 {\an8}- France is in massive debt. What? 38 00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:46,398 {\an8}Well, just the music clearances on these Baz Luhrmann sequences alone 39 00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:48,025 {\an8}are bankrupting the monarchy. 40 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:51,028 {\an8}Oh, dear. But our hardworking French laborers 41 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,613 {\an8}are already working up to four hours per week 42 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,991 {\an8}with only winter and summer off. 43 00:01:56,074 --> 00:01:57,409 {\an8}Can nothing be done? 44 00:01:57,492 --> 00:02:00,078 {\an8}I think we should levy a tax on the peasantry. 45 00:02:00,162 --> 00:02:01,705 {\an8}No, no taxes. 46 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:05,208 {\an8}We could always cancel your VousTube premium account, 47 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:08,003 {\an8}and you can just watch regular VousTube with the ads. 48 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,588 {\an8}Let's do the taxes. 49 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:15,344 Man, things sure are getting bad here in France. 50 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,804 You said it. I even got laid off from my job 51 00:02:17,888 --> 00:02:20,599 pitchforking loose hay here and moving it to there. 52 00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:24,186 The whole French economy is based on slightly moving loose hay. 53 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:25,270 Bad news, guys. 54 00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:27,731 - I'm here to collect some taxes. - What? 55 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:30,692 The King is levying a land tax and a head tax. 56 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:33,570 A head tax? But that could be thousands. 57 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,656 Also, now there's a salt tax. 58 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:39,701 But the head tax ends in something for which there'd be a salt tax. 59 00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,495 Boo! 60 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:45,624 I say, Robespierre, there's a lot of unrest brewing here in France. 61 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:46,708 You're right, Danton. 62 00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:48,960 We should take advantage and foment a revolution. 63 00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,921 - For the people. - Oh, yeah, no, for the people. 64 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,382 Yeah, and definitely not for our own personal advancement 65 00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:56,176 to where we go nuts with power and chop off everybody's heads 66 00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:57,469 and eventually even each other's. 67 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,680 Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah. For the... For the people. 68 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,849 Remember that for later, for it is foreshadowing. 69 00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:06,937 {\an8}I'm Chris Griffin, and I don't only do masturbation stuff. 70 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,483 Citizens of France, 71 00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,276 we need a revolution. 72 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,529 That's right. King Louis has destroyed 73 00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:16,780 the French economy. 74 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,615 Also, it'll be another couple hundred years 75 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,283 before the Arab immigrants show up, 76 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,452 but let's start getting angry about that now. 77 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:25,372 These guys are making a lot of sense. 78 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:27,707 - We do need a revolution. - Yeah. 79 00:03:27,791 --> 00:03:31,294 I can't wait for the new symbol of France to be a woman with her boob hanging out. 80 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,839 I call dibs on waving a flag on a barricade. 81 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,340 I'm kind of a barricade guy. 82 00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:39,636 The time has come to join our revolutionary club, the Jacobins. 83 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:44,099 Can I join your Jacobin club? 'Cause I'm just constantly jacobin'. 84 00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:48,353 I mean, at least four or five times a day, you'll find me jacobin'. 85 00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:52,232 {\an8}I'm Chris Griffin, and I still do some masturbation stuff. 86 00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:58,655 More bad news, Your Majesty. 87 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,532 Paris suffers a bread shortage. 88 00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:03,118 Oh, no. What should we do, Swedish baker? 89 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:04,744 Let them eat cock! 90 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:09,082 That's perfect, because France currently has a dangerous surplus of cake. 91 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:11,209 Marie Antoinette, if you could tell everyone 92 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:14,963 to get busy eating cake, that would famously help things. 93 00:04:15,046 --> 00:04:17,883 - It won't just piss people off? - Nah. They'll love it. 94 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:19,384 Down with the King! 95 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,344 And down with Marie Antoinette. 96 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:23,430 She's not French, she's from Austria. 97 00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:24,765 Austria is our rival. 98 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:27,684 Who are you people? 99 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:31,062 We're a mob of unemployed losers, scapegoating a lady. 100 00:04:31,146 --> 00:04:32,689 That's when good things happen. 101 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,941 To be fair, we're mad at all the French nobles, 102 00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:37,235 except that one super cool pointing guy. 103 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,238 So rad. 104 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:45,035 We, the citizens of France, hereby place the King and Queen under arrest. 105 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,328 Let's put 'em in prison. 106 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:49,206 Yeah, and I'm taking this magic Beauty and the Beast clock 107 00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:50,832 that comes to life and sings. 108 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,501 It's just a regular clock. 109 00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:53,835 Aw. 110 00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:56,254 - Regular candlestick. - Aw. 111 00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:02,928 Welcome, citizens, to the new revolutionary regime. 112 00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:07,015 That's right. There's gonna be some changes in France. 113 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:09,601 From now on, every time we say hello to each other, 114 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,770 we will get two little kisses on the cheek. 115 00:05:11,853 --> 00:05:13,438 Little kisses for everyone. 116 00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:15,816 - All right. - Should we show them, Robespierre? 117 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,609 I think they get it. You were pretty clear. 118 00:05:17,692 --> 00:05:19,653 We stand for freedom and equality. 119 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,988 And we can announce this now. It is official. 120 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,699 There will be a season six of Emily in Paris. 121 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,451 So give yourselves a big hand for that. 122 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:28,328 You did this. Every one of you. 123 00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:32,123 Anyway, freedom and equality and civil rights for every man. 124 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:33,583 How about rights for women? 125 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:34,835 Nah, just dudes. 126 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:40,841 We hereby sentence the King and Queen to death. 127 00:05:40,924 --> 00:05:42,175 Any final words? 128 00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,344 - Yeah, and not the cake thing again. - Then, no. 129 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,972 Please destroy the oil paintings under my mattress. 130 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:52,894 And now for Marie Antoinette. 131 00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:56,022 What? What happened? 132 00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:57,691 Oh, boy. 133 00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,526 Marie Antoinette's novelty fake neck 134 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:01,361 was provided by Jacques's Joke Shop 135 00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:02,612 of South Attleboro, France. 136 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,656 - Gotcha, guys. - Good one, Marie. 137 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,616 Remember, if it ain't hon-hon-hon, 138 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:07,909 it ain't worth Jacque. 139 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:10,328 Okay. Brutally kill her now. 140 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,999 Well, that was fun, but before you all go, 141 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,710 we have a few surprise bonus executions today. 142 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,712 The King's gendarme. 143 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,088 That lady who yelled that thing 144 00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:21,381 at the meeting. 145 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,800 J.K. Rowling. 'Cause you know why. 146 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,719 This dude, Josh, who's the first guy 147 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:28,889 to post a photo of a beach and write "my office for the day". 148 00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,724 Oh, and Danton. 149 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,267 What? Oh, you bitch! 150 00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:33,727 I was gonna do this to you. 151 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:36,521 This is awesome. And the best thing is 152 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,523 that it'll for sure never happen to me. 153 00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:42,360 Uh, I know I wanted to be "head" of state, 154 00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:44,529 but this is-- Oh, my brain's stopping. 155 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:46,573 I can't believe we did the whole French Revolution, 156 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:48,783 and not even a single song from Les Mis. 157 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,411 Les Mis is set during the Rebellion of 1832, 158 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:53,580 not the French revolution of 1789. 159 00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,290 Oh, that's stupid. 160 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:03,673 Damn it, Meg, I told you to stop taking my jog bras. 161 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:04,758 I haven't. 162 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:07,552 Well, they're missing. And there's no other explanation. 163 00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:10,305 Look, you both need to stop counting your bras. 164 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:12,307 It's not important where they went. 165 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,392 Sometimes families have conflicts. 166 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,936 But did you know that at one point in U.S. history, 167 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:19,606 family members actually went to war with each other? 168 00:07:19,689 --> 00:07:21,149 What? What... What is this? 169 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:24,110 It's community service. He got arrested for something. What did you do, Brian? 170 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,279 {\an8}Let's take our next historical journey. 171 00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:29,157 {\an8}I heard he got caught stealing mobile orders at Starbucks. 172 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,785 {\an8}Does he look like his name is Rasheed? 173 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:35,288 {\an8}Uh, our... Our historical journey to the year 1861. 174 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:39,000 They're going to remember what Rasheed looks like, Brian. 175 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:43,254 It was 1861 when America was inaugurating a new president. 176 00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:47,258 I, President Abraham Lincoln, vow that I will have an open mind. 177 00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:50,970 The back of my mind in particular will be very open and exposed. 178 00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:52,806 That's also foreshadowing. 179 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,599 Brian said I could keep helping out. 180 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,434 I'm grateful that you elected me. 181 00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:59,646 And right away, I want to apologize for my mentally ill wife. 182 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,147 What the hell? 183 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:05,318 My nickname will be honest-about everything- except-that-one-thing Abe. 184 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,153 That or nine-and-a-half-inch Abe. 185 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,280 - You can call me either one. - Yeah, right. 186 00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:11,449 She's loony, guys. Absolutely deranged. 187 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,619 Anyway, I predict that America's got good times ahead. 188 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:17,872 So long as our map doesn't have a bunch of arrows and explosions. 189 00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:21,543 But America did have a bunch of arrows and explosions, 190 00:08:21,626 --> 00:08:24,254 and narrations by voices like this. 191 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:27,799 Also slow fiddle music, which I have to play myself, 192 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:31,636 because we blew our whole music budget on the Moulin Rouge stuff. 193 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,182 I did this on America's Got Talent 194 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:40,019 and Howie Mandel made wisecracks at my expense. 195 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:45,108 Anyway, war had come, and 600,000 brave mustaches 196 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:49,029 would be lost, as brother marched off to fight brother. 197 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:56,077 Hey, so the uniforms came in the mail, and they sent one of each. 198 00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:57,162 Weird. 199 00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:58,496 Yeah, the gray ones are from Louis Vuitton, 200 00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,124 and the blue ones are from TJ Maxx, so... 201 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,251 That's fine. I'll be Union. 202 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:06,504 Cool. I like the gray because it matches all the dead guys everywhere. 203 00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:09,674 Wish me luck. I'm off to fight the Battle of Bull Run. 204 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,844 So that sucked. Ah, well, the good news is, 205 00:09:12,927 --> 00:09:14,179 I'm staying at Bull Run, 206 00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:17,098 and there's no way there'll be a whole second battle there. 207 00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:19,893 You're not gonna frickin' believe it. 208 00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,940 The arrows and explosions are getting closer to D.C. 209 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,734 We're not gonna be able to save the Union. 210 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:30,278 Maybe instead of fighting to save the Union, 211 00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,947 we should be fighting to end the evils of slavery 212 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:35,158 and ensure freedom for all Americans? 213 00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,451 All right, I'm putting you in a home. 214 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,161 This is why I sleep with guys. 215 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,829 I, too, believe the aim of the war 216 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,957 should be to free the slaves and make all Americans equal. 217 00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:44,334 Thank you, Frederick Douglass. 218 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,503 You're right. Black men should be free. 219 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,254 That's what I'm talking about. 220 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,465 And sent up to the front line as soldiers. 221 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:51,966 - Say what now? - Don't worry. 222 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,469 You're in good hands with General Ulysses S. Grant, 223 00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:57,138 America's most strategically gifted alcoholic. 224 00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,266 The... The South keeps looking at me. 225 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,895 I swear to God, if the South looks at me one more time, 226 00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:06,022 - I'm going down there-- - No, no, no, no. Be cool, man. 227 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,024 You think you're better than me, South? 228 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,901 Be cool. Be cool. We got to concentrate 229 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,528 on our most important objective. 230 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,030 Protecting Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. 231 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,574 Isn't Gettysburg just fields and fence posts? 232 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:19,661 Gettysburg is a cultural and economic metropolis. 233 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:24,040 Sacrifice every last man, if necessary, to protect Gettysburg, P.A. 234 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,751 But Seward's right. Gettysburg sucks. 235 00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:29,379 If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere. 236 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,173 Gettysburg, everyone must die to save it. 237 00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,634 There's literally, like, eight people in the whole town. 238 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:35,969 We're not gonna argue this further! 239 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:38,346 I'm late for my cuddle nap with Joshua Speed, 240 00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,014 who everyone should go ahead and Google. 241 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:42,976 - This is fine. - It's fine. 242 00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,894 I just can't afford my own mattress is all. 243 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:48,940 Mattresses cost, like, a billion dollars, 'cause it's olden times. 244 00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:56,197 This conflict keeps dragging on, am I right? 245 00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,324 I tell you, you put the Civil War on ABC, 246 00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,243 it'll be canceled in 13 weeks. 247 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,496 Now, that Confederate recruit we saw earlier, 248 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:06,958 he went on to be a stage actor, based in D.C. 249 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,169 So clearly, his career sucked. 250 00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,963 But then he booked the Gettysburg cemetery gig. 251 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:15,383 Finally, the big break for John Wilkes Booth. 252 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,135 Civil War saves 70 slaves. 253 00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:20,763 - Civil War saves 70 slaves. Civil war-- - Excuse me, Mr. Booth? 254 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,807 Ah, yes, that is how I'm listed in the program. 255 00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,809 But I was hoping to use my full name, 256 00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,853 John Wilkes Booth Romijn Stamos. 257 00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:30,106 - Yeah, well, sorry, but we're bumping you. - What? Why? 258 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,608 President Lincoln just showed up. 259 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,610 He wants to workshop some new material. 260 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:38,156 Okay, so "Fourscore and seven years ago--" 261 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,449 Wait, wait. What... What's that mean? 262 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,867 A score is 20 years. 263 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,619 So just say 87 years ago. 264 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,703 I like it this way. 265 00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,622 You're gonna lose everybody from the first line. 266 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,207 They're all doing math in their heads. 267 00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,458 - It's fine. - It's not fine. 268 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:49,709 You're here to boost morale. 269 00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:53,296 This is like the opposite. You're giving them algebra homework. Here, try this. 270 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:57,008 "Sorry, I got here late. I couldn't find the Gettysburg address." 271 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:00,136 Yeah. I don't know. 272 00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:03,514 Oh, come on. It's perfect. Open with a huge joke. Boom, now you got 'em. 273 00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:04,933 Hey, hey, bub. 274 00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,559 You can't just go bumping people. 275 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,269 I... I don't know what you're talking about. 276 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,521 Forget him. He's just some butt-hurt actor. 277 00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,523 Look, whatever this is about, I'm sorry. 278 00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:13,775 I respect actors. 279 00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,985 - How about you give me a headshot? - Foreshadowing. 280 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,279 Now let's have a big hand for Abe Lincoln. 281 00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:19,364 Thanks, Bob. 282 00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:22,158 Now, I understand Mary Todd's here today, 'cause we all know 283 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,118 Lincoln doesn't go anywhere without his beard. 284 00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,828 Oh, Bob. 285 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:31,292 Finally, in 1865, the southern capital of Richmond fell. 286 00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:35,004 War is over, Grant. You've got to go to Appomattox and meet the Southern leader. 287 00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,547 - You know the guy? - General Lee. 288 00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,216 All right, do some research on him first. 289 00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,593 Oh, I know the guy backwards and forwards. General Lee. 290 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,428 Right. But I need you to know him specifically. 291 00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,222 I do know him specifically, General Lee. 292 00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:45,723 - I... Look, you know the guy? - Yep. 293 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:46,849 - You know him generally? - Yep. 294 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,351 You got to know him more than generally. 295 00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,477 Know who more than General Lee? 296 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,354 The Southern leader. The guy you know generally. 297 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,314 That's right. I do know him, very well. General Lee. 298 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,233 - I... That's the problem. - What's the problem? 299 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,442 You say you know him generally. 300 00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,569 - I do. - I need you to be an expert on the guy. 301 00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,196 - I am an expert on him. - Are you just-- 302 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,407 I'm friends with the guy. We fought in the Mexican War together. 303 00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,741 I studied his every move. 304 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:06,202 There is no one on the planet who knows him better than I do. 305 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,122 Okay, just to be sure, you are an expert on the Southern leader. 306 00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,248 Completely. Totally. 307 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:11,666 Absolutely. General Lee. 308 00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:13,584 But-- 309 00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:16,713 In our nation, it was a difficult time politically. 310 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,048 But a simpler time, comedically. 311 00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:22,593 The fighting was done, and no more would Americans 312 00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:26,806 wage civil war until 2028, probably. 313 00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:29,559 But this story ends on a theater balcony 314 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,061 with Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln. 315 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,397 Hey, how about you just go by Mary Lincoln, huh? 316 00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,232 But Todd is my family name. 317 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,234 I... I keep it to honor my heritage. 318 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,945 Demented. Somebody call the man with the big net. 319 00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,364 That's the latest in mental health technology. 320 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,038 Lincoln was dead, and Booth would shout the motto 321 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:52,498 that has become etched in history. 322 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,167 Did I do that? 323 00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:57,712 Lincoln's assassination was filmed 324 00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,922 in front of a live studio audience. 325 00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,888 Hey, did you guys notice that the final Dilbert 326 00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:10,349 is just Dilbert checking people's genitals outside the ladies' restroom? 327 00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:12,351 Office stuff. 328 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:13,978 Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke. 329 00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:15,271 Well, here's a joke for you. 330 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,648 Six million Jews, gypsies, communists 331 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,276 and intellectuals are loaded onto a train car. 332 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,862 Only this joke actually happened. 333 00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:23,946 How is that a joke? 334 00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,656 He's doing his community service. 335 00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:28,242 He attacked one of them grocery robots or something. 336 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:32,121 {\an8}The year is 1939, and war has come to Europe. 337 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,999 Well, the arrows and explosions are back. 338 00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:38,377 Also, I'm back, on account of I've been getting a lot better 339 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:40,296 on the fiddle since the last time. 340 00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:42,673 Not bad, right? 341 00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:45,968 You'd be surprised how much fiddle you can learn on YouTube. 342 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,304 Hey, play Mumford and Sons. 343 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,098 I'm not playing that. 344 00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:54,352 Pretty soon, the Brits were forced to seek cover in their subway system. 345 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,812 What they call "the Tube". 346 00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:59,190 Eating French fries. Of course, they call them chips. 347 00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,733 Truck is a lorry. 348 00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,068 Let's see. What else? 349 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:03,986 Weird little country. 350 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,154 Hello, Franklin? 351 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,989 President Roosevelt, can you hear me? 352 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,408 Churchill, how's things in England? Good? 353 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:12,411 No, it's awful. We're getting bombed by the Nazis over here. 354 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,914 They're blitzkrieging through Europe. They took Paris. 355 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,290 Oh, no, not Paris! 356 00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,417 Please tell me the pointing guy is okay. 357 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,711 I love that guy. 358 00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:22,255 Yeah, can you help us out, Franklin? 359 00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,257 Uh, you caught me at a bad time, Churchill. 360 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,759 It's me and Eleanor's date night. 361 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,344 Eleanor, where are you going? 362 00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,138 Me and the girls are gonna go play lacrosse, 363 00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,849 and then just jab our thumbs wherever. 364 00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:37,562 That Eleanor sure loves hanging out with her lady pals. 365 00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,816 FDR may not help us. 366 00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:44,152 And I heard Russia is signing a pact with Hitler. 367 00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:46,988 So, as my top general, I need you to go to Moscow, 368 00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:49,323 find their leader and figure out how to prevent this. 369 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:51,868 Don't worry, sir, I will. And I'll stop Stalin. 370 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,828 Great. I'm glad you're not delaying your departure, 371 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,371 but do you have a plan for when you get there? 372 00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:57,790 - Absolutely, sir. To stop Stalin. - And what is it? 373 00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:00,209 - How is that a plan? - I thought you wanted me to stop Stalin. 374 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,752 Of course, I want you to stop stallin'. 375 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,254 This is a grave and important matter. 376 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,131 - So, then we do agree on the plan. - Which is? 377 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:08,843 - To stop Stalin. - But-- 378 00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:12,889 Comedically, World War II was also a simpler time. 379 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:16,976 Turns out, America's efforts to stay out of the fracas came to naught 380 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,478 once the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. 381 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:21,981 "December 7th, 1941, 382 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:25,067 "a date that I probably knew was coming but allowed to happen." 383 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:28,821 I mean, "A date which will live in infamy, the United States of--" 384 00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,823 Girls, you don't know anything about power tools. 385 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,200 - You're totally wrong. - What? 386 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:33,910 - What's going on? - It's your wife and her friends. 387 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,370 They're arguing over power tool brands again. 388 00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:38,039 - Dewalt. - Ryobi. 389 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:41,042 Girls and their construction equipment, huh? 390 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:45,254 Eleanor, could you ladies please keep it down while I'm doing radio to America? 391 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,422 This is fine. 392 00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:49,091 - It's fine. - Lots of First Ladies have their gal pals 393 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:51,802 move into the White House with them, which I did for real. 394 00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:54,180 - Super normal. - Ryobi. 395 00:16:56,766 --> 00:17:00,645 Gentlemen, we're here to plan an amphibious assault on Normandy. 396 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,188 Stay on target. 397 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,523 Almost there. 398 00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,192 Stay on target. 399 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,486 Private Ryan, you've switched off your targeting computer. 400 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:09,570 What's wrong? 401 00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:12,406 Use The Force, Matt Damon. 402 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,367 Cut it out, guys. This is important. 403 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,702 - Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, first question. - Yeah? 404 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,038 Is there toilets inside of tanks? 405 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,206 I mean, there has to be, right? 406 00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:23,251 They're not gonna stop the war just to let a guy take a crap. 407 00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:25,086 I think they just go right in the barrel 408 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,046 and then the next shot is like a poopy shot. 409 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,256 Can we please focus? 410 00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:32,718 We're focusing. We are laser focused on planning for... "Diday". 411 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,887 I think we're calling it "D-Day". 412 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,348 Oh, okay, see? I'm already learning stuff. 413 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:17,948 FDR beat the Germans, 414 00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,493 but he wouldn't live to see victory in the Pacific. 415 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:23,621 For that, the torch was passed to Harry Truman. 416 00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:26,916 Listen, Harry. Hirohito wants to surrender. 417 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,210 It's time to go make peace with Japan. 418 00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,629 Got it. Go to Japan and nuke Hiroshima. 419 00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:34,090 No, no, no, no. They're ready to surrender. 420 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,592 - You need to make peace with Japan. - Okay. 421 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,302 Good. Now repeat it back to me. 422 00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,055 Okay, I nuke the city of Hiroshima in Japan. 423 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:42,973 No, Japan wants to surrender! 424 00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,558 Make peace with Japan. 425 00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:45,851 Right. And nuke Hiroshima. 426 00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,436 No, no, no, no! 427 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:48,979 And et cetera. 428 00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,481 Due to wartime rationing, 429 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:54,652 we've had to keep reusing our Pat Tillman bit from 2007. 430 00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:58,614 Thanks for doing your part to make sure all the fresh new jokes are safe 431 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,491 for our troops overseas. 432 00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:03,786 - Eventually, Japan did surrender. 433 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:07,331 Don't worry too much about why. The war was over. 434 00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:13,254 At last, America can celebrate with lots of non-consensual kissing. 435 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,464 Don't worry. Your husband will never find out. 436 00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:22,054 Lunch with the girls, huh? Susan, probably? 437 00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:29,895 Well, that does it for today's history adventure. 438 00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:32,982 I hope you have a new appreciation for the joys, follies, 439 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,026 and heartaches that comprise our shared human story. 440 00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,905 Also, you might receive an email from the Quahog County Courthouse 441 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:43,325 confirming that I provided volunteer educational services. 442 00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,286 If you could just go ahead and click the link and fill out 443 00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,580 the short web form, I'd really appreciate it. 444 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:53,002 So, turns out you can legally buy Jenna Ortega 445 00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,545 as many new bed sheets as you want, 446 00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,756 you just can't deliver them in person. 447 00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:59,300 So we all learned something this week. 448 00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:00,468 Sleep tight, Jenna.