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♪ It seems today
That all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
And sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
Good old-fashioned values ♪
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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things
That make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪
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{\an8}Hello, tech support?
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{\an8}Yes, my time machine
is giving me error code 17.
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{\an8}No, I did not make love
to a bear on it. Shh.
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{\an8}But if some bear
did have his world rocked on this thing,
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{\an8}would that void the warranty?
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{\an8}Oh, boy. Time machine trouble?
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{\an8}You know there's
one time machine that never breaks
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{\an8}and is always
ready to take you anywhere, anytime.
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{\an8}A good book.
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{\an8}Ugh, sorry, my dog is very cringe.
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{\an8}I'm Brian Griffin and tonight
we'll take my time machine
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{\an8}to three periods in history.
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{\an8}I don't know. I think he's doing, like,
court-ordered community service.
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{\an8}Let's start with the story
of the French Revolution.
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{\an8}The year was 1789.
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{\an8}King Louis the 16th
and his wife, Marie Antoinette,
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{\an8}were throwing Moulin Rouge parties.
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{\an8}Many of which devolved into orgies,
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{\an8}covering the walls
with yicky-yicky-ya-ya-ja-ja.
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{\an8}- [♪ "Lady Marmalade" playing]
- More songs per minute.
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{\an8}Louder songs.
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{\an8}Everyone must get
a Baz Luhrmann headache.
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{\an8}Yes, Your Majesty.
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{\an8}God, I love French dancing.
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{\an8}If there's anything hotter
than women standing in a line
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{\an8}and kicking their legs up really high,
I haven't seen it.
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{\an8}Bad news, King Louis.
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{\an8}- France is in massive debt.
- What?
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{\an8}Well, just the music clearances
on these Baz Luhrmann sequences alone
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{\an8}are bankrupting the monarchy.
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{\an8}Oh, dear. But our hardworking
French laborers
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{\an8}are already working up to
four hours per week
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{\an8}with only winter and summer off.
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{\an8}Can nothing be done?
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{\an8}I think we should levy
a tax on the peasantry.
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{\an8}No, no taxes.
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{\an8}We could always cancel
your VousTube premium account,
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{\an8}and you can just watch
regular VousTube with the ads.
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{\an8}Let's do the taxes.
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Man, things sure are
getting bad here in France.
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You said it.
I even got laid off from my job
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pitchforking loose hay here
and moving it to there.
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The whole French economy
is based on slightly moving loose hay.
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Bad news, guys.
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- I'm here to collect some taxes.
- What?
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The King is levying
a land tax and a head tax.
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A head tax?
But that could be thousands.
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Also, now there's a salt tax.
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But the head tax ends in something
for which there'd be a salt tax.
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[all] Boo!
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I say, Robespierre, there's a lot of
unrest brewing here in France.
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You're right, Danton.
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We should take advantage
and foment a revolution.
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- For the people.
- Oh, yeah, no, for the people.
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Yeah, and definitely
not for our own personal advancement
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to where we go nuts with power
and chop off everybody's heads
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and eventually even each other's.
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Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah.
For the... For the people.
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[Chris] Remember that for later,
for it is foreshadowing.
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{\an8}I'm Chris Griffin,
and I don't only do masturbation stuff.
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Citizens of France,
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we need a revolution.
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- [people clamoring]
- That's right. King Louis has destroyed
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the French economy.
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Also, it'll be another
couple hundred years
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before the Arab immigrants show up,
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but let's start
getting angry about that now.
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- [all clamoring]
- These guys are making a lot of sense.
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- We do need a revolution.
- Yeah.
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I can't wait for the new symbol of France
to be a woman with her boob hanging out.
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I call dibs on waving
a flag on a barricade.
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I'm kind of a barricade guy.
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The time has come to join
our revolutionary club, the Jacobins.
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Can I join your Jacobin club?
'Cause I'm just constantly jacobin'.
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I mean, at least four or five times a day,
you'll find me jacobin'.
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{\an8}I'm Chris Griffin,
and I still do some masturbation stuff.
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[♪ classical music playing]
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More bad news, Your Majesty.
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Paris suffers a bread shortage.
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Oh, no. What should we do,
Swedish baker?
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[with thick accent] Let them eat cock!
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That's perfect, because France currently
has a dangerous surplus of cake.
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Marie Antoinette,
if you could tell everyone
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to get busy eating cake,
that would famously help things.
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- It won't just piss people off?
- Nah. They'll love it.
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- [people yelling]
- Down with the King!
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[woman] And down with Marie Antoinette.
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She's not French, she's from Austria.
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[man] Austria is our rival.
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[all clamoring]
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Who are you people?
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We're a mob of unemployed losers,
scapegoating a lady.
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That's when good things happen.
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To be fair, we're mad
at all the French nobles,
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except that one super cool pointing guy.
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So rad.
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We, the citizens of France, hereby
place the King and Queen under arrest.
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Let's put 'em in prison.
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Yeah, and I'm taking this magic
Beauty and the Beast clock
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that comes to life and sings.
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It's just a regular clock.
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Aw. [gasps]
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- Regular candlestick.
- Aw.
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[all protesting indistinctly]
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Welcome, citizens,
to the new revolutionary regime.
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[all cheering]
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That's right.
There's gonna be some changes in France.
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From now on, every time
we say hello to each other,
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we will get two little
kisses on the cheek.
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Little kisses for everyone.
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- All right.
- Should we show them, Robespierre?
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I think they get it.
You were pretty clear.
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We stand for freedom and equality.
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And we can announce this now.
It is official.
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There will be a season six
of Emily in Paris.
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So give yourselves a big hand for that.
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You did this. Every one of you.
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Anyway, freedom and equality
and civil rights for every man.
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How about rights for women?
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Nah, just dudes.
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[people clamoring]
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We hereby sentence
the King and Queen to death.
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Any final words?
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- Yeah, and not the cake thing again.
- Then, no.
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Please destroy
the oil paintings under my mattress.
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- [groans]
- [onlookers cheer]
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And now for Marie Antoinette.
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[guillotine blade clanging]
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What? What happened?
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- Oh, boy.
- [clanking]
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Marie Antoinette's novelty fake neck
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was provided by Jacques's Joke Shop
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of South Attleboro, France.
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- Gotcha, guys.
- Good one, Marie.
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Remember, if it ain't
[laughing] hon-hon-hon,
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it ain't worth Jacque.
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- Okay. Brutally kill her now.
- [Marie Antoinette grunts]
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[onlookers cheer]
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Well, that was fun,
but before you all go,
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we have a few surprise
bonus executions today.
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- The King's gendarme.
- [man yells]
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That lady who yelled that thing
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- at the meeting.
- [woman yells]
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- J.K. Rowling. 'Cause you know why.
- [J.K. Rowling screams]
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This dude, Josh, who's the first guy
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to post a photo of a beach
and write "my office for the day".
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- [man screams]
- Oh, and Danton.
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What? Oh, you bitch!
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I was gonna do this to you.
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- [yells]
- This is awesome. And the best thing is
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that it'll for sure never happen to me.
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[Robespierre yells]
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Uh, I know I wanted
to be "head" of state,
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but this is-- Oh, my brain's stopping.
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I can't believe we did
the whole French Revolution,
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and not even a single song from Les Mis.
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Les Mis is set during
the Rebellion of 1832,
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not the French revolution of 1789.
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Oh, that's stupid.
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Damn it, Meg, I told you
to stop taking my jog bras.
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I haven't.
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Well, they're missing.
And there's no other explanation.
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Look, you both need to stop
counting your bras.
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It's not important where they went.
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Sometimes families have conflicts.
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But did you know that
at one point in U.S. history,
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family members actually went
to war with each other?
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What? What... What is this?
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It's community service. He got arrested
for something. What did you do, Brian?
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{\an8}Let's take our next historical journey.
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{\an8}I heard he got caught stealing
mobile orders at Starbucks.
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{\an8}Does he look like his name is Rasheed?
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{\an8}Uh, our...
Our historical journey to the year 1861.
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They're going to remember
what Rasheed looks like, Brian.
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It was 1861 when America
was inaugurating a new president.
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I, President Abraham Lincoln,
vow that I will have an open mind.
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The back of my mind in particular
will be very open and exposed.
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[Chris] That's also foreshadowing.
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Brian said I could keep helping out.
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I'm grateful that you elected me.
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And right away, I want to apologize
for my mentally ill wife.
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What the hell?
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My nickname will be honest-about
everything- except-that-one-thing Abe.
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That or nine-and-a-half-inch Abe.
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- You can call me either one.
- [Mary Todd Lincoln] Yeah, right.
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She's loony, guys. Absolutely deranged.
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Anyway, I predict
that America's got good times ahead.
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So long as our map doesn't have
a bunch of arrows and explosions.
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[Mayor Wild West] But America did have
a bunch of arrows and explosions,
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and narrations by voices like this.
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Also slow fiddle music,
which I have to play myself,
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because we blew our whole music budget
on the Moulin Rouge stuff.
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[♪ fiddle playing poorly]
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I did this on America's Got Talent
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and Howie Mandel
made wisecracks at my expense.
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Anyway, war had come,
and 600,000 brave mustaches
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would be lost,
as brother marched off to fight brother.
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[♪ marching music playing]
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Hey, so the uniforms came in the mail,
and they sent one of each.
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Weird.
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Yeah, the gray ones
are from Louis Vuitton,
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and the blue ones
are from TJ Maxx, so...
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That's fine. I'll be Union.
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Cool. I like the gray because it matches
all the dead guys everywhere.
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Wish me luck.
I'm off to fight the Battle of Bull Run.
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So that sucked.
Ah, well, the good news is,
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I'm staying at Bull Run,
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and there's no way there'll be
a whole second battle there.
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You're not gonna frickin' believe it.
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The arrows and explosions
are getting closer to D.C.
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We're not gonna be able
to save the Union.
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Maybe instead of fighting
to save the Union,
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we should be fighting
to end the evils of slavery
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and ensure freedom for all Americans?
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All right, I'm putting you in a home.
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This is why I sleep with guys.
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I, too, believe the aim of the war
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should be to free the slaves
and make all Americans equal.
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Thank you, Frederick Douglass.
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00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,585
You're right.
Black men should be free.
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That's what I'm talking about.
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And sent up to the front line as soldiers.
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- Say what now?
- Don't worry.
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00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,551
You're in good hands
with General Ulysses S. Grant,
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00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:57,138
America's most strategically
gifted alcoholic.
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[slurring] The...
The South keeps looking at me.
236
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,977
I swear to God,
if the South looks at me one more time,
237
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:06,105
- I'm going down there--
- No, no, no, no. Be cool, man.
238
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,107
You think you're better than me, South?
239
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,983
Be cool. Be cool. We got to concentrate
240
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,610
on our most important objective.
241
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,113
Protecting Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.
242
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,657
Isn't Gettysburg
just fields and fence posts?
243
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:19,661
Gettysburg is a cultural
and economic metropolis.
244
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:24,123
Sacrifice every last man,
if necessary, to protect Gettysburg, P.A.
245
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,834
But Seward's right. Gettysburg sucks.
246
00:10:26,835 --> 00:10:29,461
If you can make it there,
you'll make it anywhere.
247
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:32,256
Gettysburg, everyone must die to save it.
248
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,716
There's literally, like,
eight people in the whole town.
249
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:36,051
We're not gonna argue this further!
250
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:38,428
I'm late for my cuddle nap
with Joshua Speed,
251
00:10:38,429 --> 00:10:40,014
who everyone should
go ahead and Google.
252
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,058
- This is fine.
- It's fine.
253
00:10:43,059 --> 00:10:44,977
I just can't afford
my own mattress is all.
254
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:48,940
Mattresses cost, like, a billion dollars,
'cause it's olden times.
255
00:10:54,028 --> 00:10:56,280
This conflict keeps dragging on,
am I right?
256
00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,407
I tell you,
you put the Civil War on ABC,
257
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,325
- it'll be canceled in 13 weeks.
- [crowd laughing]
258
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,579
[Mayor Wild West] Now,
that Confederate recruit we saw earlier,
259
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:07,040
he went on to be a stage actor,
based in D.C.
260
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,251
So clearly, his career sucked.
261
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:12,045
But then he booked
the Gettysburg cemetery gig.
262
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:15,465
Finally, the big break
for John Wilkes Booth.
263
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,217
Civil War saves 70 slaves.
264
00:11:17,218 --> 00:11:20,846
- Civil War saves 70 slaves. Civil war--
- Excuse me, Mr. Booth?
265
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:22,890
Ah, yes, that is how
I'm listed in the program.
266
00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,892
But I was hoping to use my full name,
267
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,935
John Wilkes Booth Romijn Stamos.
268
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:30,189
- Yeah, well, sorry, but we're bumping you.
- What? Why?
269
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,690
President Lincoln just showed up.
270
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,692
He wants to workshop some new material.
271
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:34,943
[growls]
272
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:38,238
Okay, so "Fourscore
and seven years ago--"
273
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,531
Wait, wait. What... What's that mean?
274
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,949
A score is 20 years.
275
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,701
So just say 87 years ago.
276
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,785
I like it this way.
277
00:11:43,786 --> 00:11:45,704
You're gonna lose everybody
from the first line.
278
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,289
They're all doing math in their heads.
279
00:11:47,290 --> 00:11:48,540
- It's fine.
- It's not fine.
280
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:49,791
You're here to boost morale.
281
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:53,378
This is like the opposite. You're giving
them algebra homework. Here, try this.
282
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:57,090
"Sorry, I got here late.
I couldn't find the Gettysburg address."
283
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,092
[laughs]
284
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:00,219
Yeah. I don't know.
285
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:03,597
Oh, come on. It's perfect. Open with
a huge joke. Boom, now you got 'em.
286
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:05,015
Hey, hey, bub.
287
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,642
You can't just go bumping people.
288
00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,269
I... I don't know
what you're talking about.
289
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,604
Forget him.
He's just some butt-hurt actor.
290
00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,606
Look, whatever this is about, I'm sorry.
291
00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:13,857
I respect actors.
292
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:16,068
- How about you give me a headshot?
- [Chris] Foreshadowing.
293
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,362
[Bob] Now let's have
a big hand for Abe Lincoln.
294
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:19,446
[Lincoln] Thanks, Bob.
295
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:22,241
[Bob] Now, I understand
Mary Todd's here today, 'cause we all know
296
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,201
Lincoln doesn't go anywhere
without his beard.
297
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,911
- [audience laughing]
- [Lincoln laughs] Oh, Bob.
298
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:31,375
[Mayor Wild West] Finally, in 1865,
the southern capital of Richmond fell.
299
00:12:31,376 --> 00:12:35,087
War is over, Grant. You've got to go to
Appomattox and meet the Southern leader.
300
00:12:35,088 --> 00:12:36,630
- You know the guy?
- General Lee.
301
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,298
All right, do some research on him first.
302
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,676
Oh, I know the guy
backwards and forwards. General Lee.
303
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,511
Right. But I need you
to know him specifically.
304
00:12:42,512 --> 00:12:44,304
I do know him specifically, General Lee.
305
00:12:44,305 --> 00:12:45,806
- I... Look, you know the guy?
- Yep.
306
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:46,932
- You know him generally?
- Yep.
307
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,433
You got to know him more than generally.
308
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:49,559
Know who more than General Lee?
309
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,436
The Southern leader.
The guy you know generally.
310
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,397
That's right.
I do know him, very well. General Lee.
311
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,315
- I... That's the problem.
- What's the problem?
312
00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:56,525
You say you know him generally.
313
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,652
- I do.
- I need you to be an expert on the guy.
314
00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,279
- I am an expert on him.
- Are you just--
315
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,489
I'm friends with the guy.
We fought in the Mexican War together.
316
00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:03,824
I studied his every move.
317
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:06,285
There is no one on the planet
who knows him better than I do.
318
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,204
Okay, just to be sure,
you are an expert on the Southern leader.
319
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,330
Completely. Totally.
320
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:11,748
Absolutely. General Lee.
321
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:13,667
But-- [sputters]
322
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:16,795
[Mayor Wild West] In our nation,
it was a difficult time politically.
323
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,048
But a simpler time, comedically.
324
00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:22,676
The fighting was done,
and no more would Americans
325
00:13:22,677 --> 00:13:26,888
wage civil war until 2028, probably.
326
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:29,641
But this story ends on a theater balcony
327
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,144
with Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln.
328
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,479
Hey, how about you
just go by Mary Lincoln, huh?
329
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,315
But Todd is my family name.
330
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,317
I... I keep it to honor my heritage.
331
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:41,028
Demented. Somebody call
the man with the big net.
332
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,364
That's the latest
in mental health technology.
333
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:44,949
[door creaks]
334
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:47,159
- [gun fires]
- [Mary gasps]
335
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,120
[Mayor Wild West] Lincoln was dead,
and Booth would shout the motto
336
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:52,581
that has become etched in history.
337
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,249
Did I do that?
338
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,126
[all laughing]
339
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:57,794
[presenter] Lincoln's
assassination was filmed
340
00:13:57,795 --> 00:13:59,922
in front of a live studio audience.
341
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:06,970
Hey, did you guys notice
that the final Dilbert
342
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:10,432
is just Dilbert checking people's genitals
outside the ladies' restroom?
343
00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:12,434
[giggles] Office stuff.
344
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,061
Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke.
345
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:15,353
Well, here's a joke for you.
346
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,731
Six million Jews, gypsies, communists
347
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,358
and intellectuals
are loaded onto a train car.
348
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,944
Only this joke actually happened.
349
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,029
How is that a joke?
350
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,739
He's doing
his community service.
351
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:28,325
He attacked one of them
grocery robots or something.
352
00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:32,204
{\an8}The year is 1939,
and war has come to Europe.
353
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:35,082
[Mayor Wild West]
Well, the arrows and explosions are back.
354
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:38,460
Also, I'm back, on account of
I've been getting a lot better
355
00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:40,378
on the fiddle since the last time.
356
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:41,463
[♪ fiddle playing poorly]
357
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:42,756
Not bad, right?
358
00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:46,051
You'd be surprised
how much fiddle you can learn on YouTube.
359
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,386
[man] Hey, play Mumford and Sons.
360
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,180
[Mayor Wild West]
I'm not playing that [bleep].
361
00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:54,434
Pretty soon, the Brits were forced
to seek cover in their subway system.
362
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,894
What they call "the Tube".
363
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:59,272
Eating French fries.
Of course, they call them chips.
364
00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,816
Truck is a lorry.
365
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,068
Let's see. What else?
366
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:04,069
Weird little country.
367
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,237
Hello, Franklin?
368
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,072
President Roosevelt, can you hear me?
369
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,491
Churchill, how's things in England? Good?
370
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:12,494
No, it's awful. We're getting bombed
by the Nazis over here.
371
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,996
They're blitzkrieging through Europe.
They took Paris.
372
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,373
Oh, no, not Paris!
373
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:18,417
Please tell me the pointing guy is okay.
374
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,794
I love that guy.
375
00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:22,337
Yeah, can you help us out, Franklin?
376
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:24,339
Uh, you caught me
at a bad time, Churchill.
377
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,842
It's me and Eleanor's date night.
378
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,426
Eleanor, where are you going?
379
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,220
Me and the girls
are gonna go play lacrosse,
380
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:32,849
and then just jab our thumbs wherever.
381
00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:37,644
[chuckles] That Eleanor
sure loves hanging out with her lady pals.
382
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:40,230
[♪ dramatic music playing]
383
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,898
FDR may not help us.
384
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:44,234
And I heard Russia
is signing a pact with Hitler.
385
00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:47,070
So, as my top general,
I need you to go to Moscow,
386
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:49,406
find their leader
and figure out how to prevent this.
387
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:51,950
Don't worry, sir, I will.
And I'll stop Stalin.
388
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,910
Great. I'm glad you're not
delaying your departure,
389
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,371
but do you have a plan
for when you get there?
390
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:57,873
- Absolutely, sir. To stop Stalin.
- And what is it?
391
00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:00,292
- How is that a plan?
- I thought you wanted me to stop Stalin.
392
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,835
Of course, I want you to stop stallin'.
393
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:03,336
This is a grave and important matter.
394
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,213
- So, then we do agree on the plan.
- Which is?
395
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:08,925
- To stop Stalin.
- But-- [sputters]
396
00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:12,971
[Mayor Wild West] Comedically,
World War II was also a simpler time.
397
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:17,058
Turns out, America's efforts
to stay out of the fracas came to naught
398
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,561
once the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.
399
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:22,063
"December 7th, 1941,
400
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:25,150
"a date that I probably
knew was coming but allowed to happen."
401
00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:28,904
I mean, "A date which will live in infamy,
the United States of--"
402
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,906
[woman 1] Girls,
you don't know anything about power tools.
403
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,282
- [woman 2] You're totally wrong.
- What?
404
00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:33,992
- What's going on?
- It's your wife and her friends.
405
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,453
They're arguing over
power tool brands again.
406
00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:38,121
- [woman 1] Dewalt.
- [woman 2] Ryobi.
407
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:41,124
Girls and their
construction equipment, huh? [chuckles]
408
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:45,337
Eleanor, could you ladies please keep it
down while I'm doing radio to America?
409
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,504
This is fine.
410
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:49,174
- It's fine.
- Lots of First Ladies have their gal pals
411
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:51,885
move into the White House with them,
which I did for real.
412
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:54,262
- Super normal.
- Ryobi.
413
00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:56,765
[♪ dramatic music playing]
414
00:16:56,766 --> 00:17:00,727
Gentlemen, we're here to plan
an amphibious assault on Normandy.
415
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,188
Stay on target.
416
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,606
Almost there.
417
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,274
Stay on target.
418
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,568
Private Ryan, you've switched off
your targeting computer.
419
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:09,653
What's wrong?
420
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:12,489
[Roosevelt] Use The Force, Matt Damon.
421
00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,449
Cut it out, guys. This is important.
422
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,785
- Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, first question.
- Yeah?
423
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:19,120
Is there toilets inside of tanks?
424
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,288
I mean, there has to be, right?
425
00:17:20,289 --> 00:17:23,333
They're not gonna stop the war
just to let a guy take a crap.
426
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:25,168
I think they just go right in the barrel
427
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,128
and then the next shot
is like a poopy shot.
428
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,338
Can we please focus?
429
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:32,801
We're focusing. We are laser focused
on planning for... "Diday".
430
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,970
I think we're calling it "D-Day".
431
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,430
Oh, okay, see?
I'm already learning stuff.
432
00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:39,517
[man speaking German]
433
00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:01,872
[clears throat awkwardly]
434
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,354
[Hitler continues in German]
435
00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,031
[Mayor Wild West in English]
FDR beat the Germans,
436
00:19:18,032 --> 00:19:20,493
but he wouldn't live
to see victory in the Pacific.
437
00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:23,703
For that, the torch
was passed to Harry Truman.
438
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:26,998
Listen, Harry.
Hirohito wants to surrender.
439
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,292
It's time to go make peace with Japan.
440
00:19:29,293 --> 00:19:31,711
Got it. Go to Japan and nuke Hiroshima.
441
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:34,172
No, no, no, no.
They're ready to surrender.
442
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,675
- You need to make peace with Japan.
- Okay.
443
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,385
Good. Now repeat it back to me.
444
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:41,137
Okay, I nuke the city
of Hiroshima in Japan.
445
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,056
No, Japan wants to surrender!
446
00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,641
Make peace with Japan.
447
00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:45,934
Right. And nuke Hiroshima.
448
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,519
No, no, no, no!
449
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,062
[Mayor Wild West]
And et cetera.
450
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,563
Due to wartime rationing,
451
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:54,734
we've had to keep reusing
our Pat Tillman bit from 2007.
452
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:58,697
Thanks for doing your part to make sure
all the fresh new jokes are safe
453
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,573
for our troops overseas.
454
00:20:00,574 --> 00:20:03,868
- [people cheering]
- Eventually, Japan did surrender.
455
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:07,414
Don't worry too much about why.
The war was over.
456
00:20:07,415 --> 00:20:13,336
At last, America can celebrate
with lots of non-consensual kissing.
457
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,464
Don't worry.
Your husband will never find out.
458
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:16,590
[camera shutter clicks]
459
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:22,054
Lunch with the girls, huh?
Susan, probably?
460
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:29,978
Well, that does it
for today's history adventure.
461
00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:33,064
I hope you have
a new appreciation for the joys, follies,
462
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:36,026
and heartaches that comprise
our shared human story.
463
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,988
Also, you might receive
an email from the Quahog County Courthouse
464
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:43,408
confirming that I provided
volunteer educational services.
465
00:20:43,409 --> 00:20:45,368
If you could just go ahead
and click the link and fill out
466
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:47,580
the short web form,
I'd really appreciate it.
467
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,331
[sighs]
468
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:53,084
So, turns out you can
legally buy Jenna Ortega
469
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:54,627
as many new bed sheets as you want,
470
00:20:54,628 --> 00:20:56,838
you just can't deliver them in person.
471
00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:59,382
So we all learned something this week.
472
00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:00,468
Sleep tight, Jenna.
473
00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,970
[♪ classical music playing]