1 00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:04,510 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,576 --> 00:00:08,049 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,116 --> 00:00:11,590 ♪ But where are those good old‐fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,657 --> 00:00:14,530 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,596 --> 00:00:18,136 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,203 --> 00:00:21,610 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,677 --> 00:00:23,213 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:24,616 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,683 --> 00:00:30,160 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:37,408 (loud crowd chatter) 11 00:00:37,474 --> 00:00:40,480 God, the Clam sucks on Saturday mornings. 12 00:00:40,548 --> 00:00:42,986 It's all just weird foreign sports fans, 13 00:00:43,053 --> 00:00:45,825 like those Pakistani cricket hooligans. 14 00:00:45,892 --> 00:00:47,494 If you are not rooting for Lahore, 15 00:00:47,562 --> 00:00:49,365 please you may leave, I can tell you! 16 00:00:49,432 --> 00:00:51,336 Lahore cricketers are the best, 17 00:00:51,402 --> 00:00:54,141 and the others are not the best, dear friends. 18 00:00:54,208 --> 00:00:58,350 I'm for Karachi, but I don't got a death wish about it. 19 00:00:58,416 --> 00:01:00,153 Guys, what's wrong with us? 20 00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:02,458 It's Saturday morning, and we're drinking in a bar. 21 00:01:02,525 --> 00:01:05,063 We should be drinking at the Goodwill donation dumpster. 22 00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:08,069 - Why come? - 'Cause right now's when all the yard sales end. 23 00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,474 We can get first pick of the abandoned leftovers. 24 00:01:10,541 --> 00:01:12,111 That's a stupid idea. There's not gonna 25 00:01:12,177 --> 00:01:14,115 be anything good in that dumpster. 26 00:01:14,181 --> 00:01:17,087 PETER: What if I told you everything I'm wearing right now 27 00:01:17,154 --> 00:01:18,524 I found in that dumpster? 28 00:01:18,591 --> 00:01:21,362 Is that a bachelorette sash? 29 00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:25,505 Scott said I could do hand stuff this weekend, but that's it. 30 00:01:29,045 --> 00:01:30,515 I told you this is stupid. 31 00:01:30,581 --> 00:01:31,984 There's nothing good in here. 32 00:01:32,051 --> 00:01:33,654 Hey, look‐‐ a pair of working legs. 33 00:01:33,721 --> 00:01:35,123 Dibs on these. 34 00:01:35,190 --> 00:01:37,227 Wha...? Aw, come on, Quagmire! 35 00:01:37,294 --> 00:01:38,864 Joe, I said dibs. 36 00:01:38,931 --> 00:01:41,335 No, no, you're right. You said dibs. 37 00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:44,075 Whoa. Check it out. A Sorry! board game. 38 00:01:44,141 --> 00:01:45,545 Let me see it. 39 00:01:45,611 --> 00:01:47,147 (soft rattling) 40 00:01:47,214 --> 00:01:49,351 - Three pieces missing. - How'd you do that? 41 00:01:49,418 --> 00:01:52,726 I can shake anything and figure out what all's in there. 42 00:01:55,097 --> 00:01:57,902 You got 11 periods left. 43 00:01:57,969 --> 00:02:00,307 Cool. VHS of Eraserhead. 44 00:02:00,373 --> 00:02:03,313 This'll be good for when I never want to sleep again. 45 00:02:03,379 --> 00:02:06,119 Holy crap. 46 00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:07,522 Wha‐What? What is it? 47 00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:11,997 A Magic 8 Ball! 48 00:02:12,064 --> 00:02:13,901 This thing can tell the future. 49 00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,139 No, it can't, Peter. It's just a stupid toy. 50 00:02:16,205 --> 00:02:17,642 I don't know. Let's test it. 51 00:02:17,709 --> 00:02:20,848 Will there be snow this Christmas? 52 00:02:20,915 --> 00:02:23,554 (gasps) Oh, my God, the ball is right. 53 00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:25,157 I should ask again later. 54 00:02:25,223 --> 00:02:26,693 How did it know that? 55 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:28,764 Guys, from now on, I am living my life 56 00:02:28,831 --> 00:02:30,835 according to the Magic 8 Ball. 57 00:02:30,902 --> 00:02:32,572 It will lead me like the shorebird 58 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:35,243 that led the first Pilgrims to Boston. 59 00:02:36,279 --> 00:02:38,884 Ahoy! Are you looking to build a city 60 00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:41,857 where sports fans can be notoriously racist? 61 00:02:41,924 --> 00:02:44,094 Yeah, and can we also ruin "Sweet Caroline" 62 00:02:44,161 --> 00:02:46,633 - for everyone else? - Absolutely. 63 00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,973 Can our airport security people be responsible for 9/11? 64 00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,581 And can our own 9/11 be, like, one one‐thousandth as bad, 65 00:02:53,647 --> 00:02:55,785 but we'll still make a fricking movie about it? 66 00:02:55,852 --> 00:02:57,555 I think I know just the place. 67 00:02:57,622 --> 00:03:00,160 Okay, I don't know if this is gonna be a problem, 68 00:03:00,227 --> 00:03:02,164 but we forgot to bring the letter "R." 69 00:03:02,231 --> 00:03:03,767 No problem at all. 70 00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:06,205 Right this way, large‐faced whites! 71 00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:08,176 ALL (chanting): Let's go, Red Sox! 72 00:03:08,243 --> 00:03:09,579 (rhythmic clapping) 73 00:03:09,646 --> 00:03:12,084 Let's go, Red Sox! 74 00:03:17,127 --> 00:03:18,597 What is that? 75 00:03:18,664 --> 00:03:20,133 It's my Magic 8 Ball. 76 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,737 This is the first black ball 77 00:03:21,803 --> 00:03:24,074 that Kim Kardashian hasn't played with. 78 00:03:24,141 --> 00:03:26,880 Why is it filled with the blue liquid from tampon commercials? 79 00:03:26,947 --> 00:03:28,449 That's a very gross question, Meg. 80 00:03:28,517 --> 00:03:30,521 You may take your breakfast in the attic. 81 00:03:32,324 --> 00:03:35,230 That question aside, I'm having a blast with my new 8 Ball. 82 00:03:35,297 --> 00:03:36,633 It knows everything. Watch. 83 00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,403 Magic 8 Ball, 84 00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:41,643 will my middle‐of‐the‐highway puppet show be a success? 85 00:03:43,046 --> 00:03:45,050 Well, I'll show this thing. 86 00:03:47,922 --> 00:03:48,857 (truck horn blaring) 87 00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,327 ‐(tires screeching) ‐(thud) 88 00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:54,536 How'd it go, Dad? 89 00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:56,540 I don't know, Sparky. What did you think? 90 00:03:56,606 --> 00:03:59,311 The performance was a little flat. 91 00:03:59,378 --> 00:04:01,950 (instrumental Family Guy theme plays) 92 00:04:14,308 --> 00:04:16,646 Magic 8 Ball. 93 00:04:16,713 --> 00:04:18,449 Magic 8 Ball, I'm bored. 94 00:04:18,517 --> 00:04:20,654 Should I sniff my coworker's hair? 95 00:04:23,894 --> 00:04:25,263 He told me to do it! 96 00:04:25,330 --> 00:04:27,334 Mr. Griffin, if a Magic 8 Ball asked you 97 00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,672 to jump off a building, would you do that, too? 98 00:04:29,739 --> 00:04:31,108 Did it? 99 00:04:31,175 --> 00:04:33,479 No, I'm just using that as an example of... 100 00:04:33,547 --> 00:04:35,718 I listened to the toy! 101 00:04:39,224 --> 00:04:42,598 Magic 8 Ball, what's the best e‐mail provider? 102 00:04:44,134 --> 00:04:46,338 "Outlook good." Interesting. 103 00:04:46,405 --> 00:04:48,811 He's not raving about it, but it's a solid choice. 104 00:04:48,877 --> 00:04:50,815 Let's go, Peter. Time for church. 105 00:04:50,881 --> 00:04:54,188 Mom said they're gonna serve Chewy Chips Ahoy at coffee hour. 106 00:04:54,254 --> 00:04:55,724 Lois... church? 107 00:04:55,791 --> 00:04:57,728 Who am I supposed to worship‐‐ Jesus? 108 00:04:57,795 --> 00:04:59,566 This is my god now. 109 00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,035 Watch your mouth, Peter. 110 00:05:01,102 --> 00:05:03,841 Sorry, Lois, but my religion is now the 8 Ball. 111 00:05:03,907 --> 00:05:06,980 Magic 8 Ball, is the Fox network sustainable 112 00:05:07,047 --> 00:05:09,051 in this new streaming world? 113 00:05:10,053 --> 00:05:13,025 No. No! 114 00:05:13,092 --> 00:05:14,529 (gasps) 115 00:05:14,596 --> 00:05:16,132 Kim, what's wrong? 116 00:05:16,198 --> 00:05:19,539 A black ball went to waste. 117 00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:29,324 Are you streaming Mindhunter in church? 118 00:05:29,391 --> 00:05:32,230 I'm trying to stream Mindhunter in church. 119 00:05:36,338 --> 00:05:37,875 Freaking guest Wi‐Fi. 120 00:05:37,942 --> 00:05:40,548 You know the priest gets the good Wi‐Fi. 121 00:05:40,614 --> 00:05:42,217 And yea, the Lord said... 122 00:05:42,284 --> 00:05:44,087 Whoa, whoa. Mindhunter's going in. 123 00:05:44,154 --> 00:05:45,758 I mean... (clears throat) 124 00:05:45,824 --> 00:05:48,396 Thou art the children of Abraham, and thou shalt... 125 00:05:48,462 --> 00:05:49,966 He's playing you! 126 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:52,137 You think you're playing him? He's playing you. 127 00:05:52,204 --> 00:05:54,208 I hate this. When do I get my cookie? 128 00:05:54,274 --> 00:05:56,445 I just want my cookie so I can go home. 129 00:05:56,513 --> 00:05:58,584 Now please join me in silent prayer. 130 00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,453 And as we settle into the silence, 131 00:06:00,521 --> 00:06:02,725 I remind you that‐‐ in honor of Lent‐‐ 132 00:06:02,792 --> 00:06:07,234 today's coffee service will not include Chewy Chips Ahoy. 133 00:06:11,576 --> 00:06:14,181 ‐(bleep) ‐(all gasping) 134 00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:16,252 - (Lois gasps) - (congregation murmurs) 135 00:06:18,256 --> 00:06:20,761 Hey, Stewie said his first word. 136 00:06:20,828 --> 00:06:22,898 And it was a swear. 137 00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:25,069 Well, this is unacceptable. 138 00:06:25,136 --> 00:06:27,775 We have to leave right now and go straight to breakfast. 139 00:06:27,842 --> 00:06:29,846 Unbelievable. 140 00:06:31,181 --> 00:06:32,551 (car door opens, closes) 141 00:06:32,618 --> 00:06:34,656 (engine starts) 142 00:06:34,722 --> 00:06:36,726 Let's go! 143 00:06:42,838 --> 00:06:45,678 I can't believe Stewie finally said his first word 144 00:06:45,744 --> 00:06:48,015 and it ends up being... that. 145 00:06:48,082 --> 00:06:51,121 Right now, every woman in my mommy wine group is judging me. 146 00:06:51,188 --> 00:06:54,027 I may have to start drinking wine at home alone. 147 00:06:54,094 --> 00:06:57,167 ‐Start? ‐Not the day for it, Chris! Not the day! 148 00:06:57,233 --> 00:06:59,371 I don't get it, Stewie. You've been talking forever. 149 00:06:59,438 --> 00:07:01,017 Why did everyone suddenly understand you now? 150 00:07:01,041 --> 00:07:02,645 I don't know. 151 00:07:02,712 --> 00:07:04,982 I was feeling so much intense emotion in the moment, 152 00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:07,287 and that one word somehow just burst through. 153 00:07:07,354 --> 00:07:09,559 Yeah, but now what? Everyone can understand you? 154 00:07:09,625 --> 00:07:11,261 I don't think so. 155 00:07:11,328 --> 00:07:13,934 Not unless I'm yelling something I feel strongly about. 156 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,940 Greta Gerwig is a national treasure! 157 00:07:17,006 --> 00:07:18,610 See? Nothing. 158 00:07:18,677 --> 00:07:20,514 I guess I'm not feeling it. I don't know. 159 00:07:20,581 --> 00:07:23,486 What if that's the only thing I'll ever be able to express? 160 00:07:23,553 --> 00:07:26,258 Anger. What kind of a person would I be then? 161 00:07:26,325 --> 00:07:27,962 Larry David, Lewis Black, 162 00:07:28,028 --> 00:07:30,199 a Trump voter, everyone on Twitter. 163 00:07:30,266 --> 00:07:32,270 But I don't want to be any of those things. 164 00:07:32,337 --> 00:07:33,640 They've got to hear me. 165 00:07:33,707 --> 00:07:35,544 Ice cream! Lollipop! 166 00:07:35,611 --> 00:07:36,980 Bubbles! Kitty cat! 167 00:07:37,046 --> 00:07:38,382 (Curb Your Enthusiasm theme plays) 168 00:07:38,449 --> 00:07:40,386 Doggy! Raincoat! Preschool! 169 00:07:40,453 --> 00:07:44,394 Fire truck! Goldfish! Finger paint! 170 00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:47,768 (soft chatter, laughter) 171 00:07:48,804 --> 00:07:50,339 Lois, what are you doing here? 172 00:07:50,406 --> 00:07:52,477 What do you mean? You invited us. 173 00:07:52,545 --> 00:07:55,316 Sorry, but we can't have Stewie here. 174 00:07:55,383 --> 00:07:56,920 I brought my own veggie burgers, 175 00:07:56,986 --> 00:07:58,599 but I'm not gonna make a big deal about it. 176 00:07:58,623 --> 00:08:00,794 What with his profanity and all, I don't think 177 00:08:00,861 --> 00:08:03,299 Stewie would be a good influence on the other children. 178 00:08:03,365 --> 00:08:05,136 Is there a designated spot on the grill 179 00:08:05,203 --> 00:08:06,506 for the veggie burgers? 180 00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,008 And again, not a big deal. 181 00:08:08,075 --> 00:08:10,112 You're saying that because of a swear word, 182 00:08:10,179 --> 00:08:12,852 my son isn't good enough for your pool party? 183 00:08:12,918 --> 00:08:14,689 It's a little bit about him swearing, 184 00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:16,960 but mostly about you as a parent. 185 00:08:18,395 --> 00:08:20,366 Kevin, I said, no arrows! 186 00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,170 KEVIN: Crossbows don't shoot arrows. 187 00:08:22,237 --> 00:08:23,974 They shoot bolts, dumbass! 188 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,011 (chuckles) Okay, sweetie. 189 00:08:26,078 --> 00:08:29,417 KEVIN: Hey, Dad, did you hear what Einstein called bolts? 190 00:08:29,484 --> 00:08:31,054 JOE: I heard it. 191 00:08:34,461 --> 00:08:36,164 Brian, shut off the television. 192 00:08:36,231 --> 00:08:37,868 It's ruined my baby! 193 00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:39,271 What are you talking about? 194 00:08:39,337 --> 00:08:41,843 Stewie obviously learned to swear from some TV show. 195 00:08:41,910 --> 00:08:44,549 No, he didn't. The only show he watches is Caillou. 196 00:08:44,615 --> 00:08:46,686 Well, then that little French‐Canadian weirdo 197 00:08:46,753 --> 00:08:48,757 is the potty mouth, I'm sure of it. 198 00:08:48,823 --> 00:08:51,563 And I'm willing to watch every single episode just to prove it. 199 00:08:51,629 --> 00:08:53,465 NARRATOR: Caillou was upset. 200 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,973 Why am I bald? I'm not a baby. I'm four. 201 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,545 Are kids just bald in Canada? 202 00:08:59,612 --> 00:09:01,014 NARRATOR: So Caillou decided 203 00:09:01,081 --> 00:09:02,551 to look himself up on Wikipedia. 204 00:09:02,618 --> 00:09:04,589 God, this is dull. 205 00:09:04,655 --> 00:09:06,859 CAILLOU: Maybe I'm supposed to be a cancer survivor, 206 00:09:06,926 --> 00:09:09,364 and this show is very inspiring. 207 00:09:09,431 --> 00:09:11,869 NARRATOR: But Caillou wasn't a cancer survivor. 208 00:09:11,936 --> 00:09:15,343 The show's creators just made a weird choice. 209 00:09:15,409 --> 00:09:17,881 Caillou's low‐testosterone father 210 00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:20,386 again indulged Caillou's tantrum, 211 00:09:20,453 --> 00:09:22,725 clearly trying to raise a sociopath. 212 00:09:22,791 --> 00:09:24,294 CAILLOU'S FATHER: It's okay, Caillou. 213 00:09:24,361 --> 00:09:26,264 I'll bake you a pie. 214 00:09:26,331 --> 00:09:28,870 NARRATOR: He said, his body flooding with estrogen. 215 00:09:28,937 --> 00:09:30,272 Lois? 216 00:09:30,339 --> 00:09:31,743 Are you dead? 217 00:09:31,809 --> 00:09:33,145 (sniffing) 218 00:09:33,212 --> 00:09:34,782 Can I eat you? 219 00:09:34,849 --> 00:09:36,919 - Huh? What? - Ah, another time. 220 00:09:36,986 --> 00:09:41,128 Oh. I‐I, um... I watched that Caillou, and you're right. 221 00:09:41,194 --> 00:09:43,465 Stewie didn't learn that word from Caillou. 222 00:09:43,533 --> 00:09:45,573 That means he learned it from someone in this house. 223 00:09:45,637 --> 00:09:47,941 - Okay. - And I will find out who. 224 00:09:48,008 --> 00:09:49,578 I'm gonna set a trap 225 00:09:49,645 --> 00:09:52,116 and lure the swearer into revealing himself. 226 00:09:52,183 --> 00:09:53,520 That sounds hard. 227 00:09:53,586 --> 00:09:56,158 Oh, I will find the swearer. 228 00:09:56,224 --> 00:09:57,528 CAILLOU: Dad, why are we sitting 229 00:09:57,594 --> 00:09:59,030 on the washing machine? 230 00:09:59,097 --> 00:10:00,497 CAILLOU'S FATHER: Because in Canada, 231 00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:02,504 men have vaginas. 232 00:10:06,546 --> 00:10:09,117 Hey, what's with the stairs? Why do they look different? 233 00:10:09,184 --> 00:10:10,554 Oh, I'm trying to prove 234 00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:12,691 that Peter's the one cussing in the house, 235 00:10:12,758 --> 00:10:15,463 so I waxed the staircase for him to fall down. 236 00:10:15,530 --> 00:10:17,534 PETER: Hey, Lois, have you seen my Spider‐Man socks? 237 00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:18,779 - I can't seem to... - (thudding) 238 00:10:18,803 --> 00:10:20,339 Ouch. Oh, heavens. 239 00:10:20,406 --> 00:10:21,709 Oh, goodness gracious. 240 00:10:21,776 --> 00:10:23,580 That's smarts. Oh, my. 241 00:10:23,646 --> 00:10:25,182 Egad. Well, I'll be. 242 00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:27,253 Yikes. 243 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,090 Peter, when did you become so polite? 244 00:10:29,157 --> 00:10:31,261 Oh, I've been hanging out with Caillou's beta dad. 245 00:10:31,328 --> 00:10:33,232 In fact, I'm meeting him at the park 246 00:10:33,298 --> 00:10:35,804 to eat unsalted saltines on the swings. 247 00:10:36,839 --> 00:10:38,008 I feel like you're wearing 248 00:10:38,075 --> 00:10:41,749 what Rachel Maddow would wear to a pumpkin patch. 249 00:10:44,187 --> 00:10:45,957 NARRATOR: Lois couldn't find the swearer, 250 00:10:46,024 --> 00:10:47,795 nor could she remove the voice 251 00:10:47,861 --> 00:10:50,801 of the grating Caillou narrator from her head. 252 00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,738 Make it stop! 253 00:10:52,805 --> 00:10:55,209 Not until you kill them all, Lois. 254 00:10:56,211 --> 00:10:57,480 Oh, crap. 255 00:10:57,548 --> 00:10:59,417 It's the lady with the baby who cussed. 256 00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,188 - (lock clicks) - MAN: Turn out the lights. 257 00:11:01,254 --> 00:11:02,524 Shh. Quiet, quiet. 258 00:11:02,591 --> 00:11:04,427 H‐Hello? 259 00:11:04,494 --> 00:11:06,699 Hello! I know you're in there! 260 00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:08,335 MAN 2: We're closed! 261 00:11:08,402 --> 00:11:10,574 I know you're not closed. 262 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,410 I see the Instacart people in there 263 00:11:12,476 --> 00:11:14,582 emotionlessly filling up their baskets. 264 00:11:14,648 --> 00:11:16,084 MAN: We're a family establishment, 265 00:11:16,151 --> 00:11:18,188 so take your foul‐mouthed baby and go away! 266 00:11:18,255 --> 00:11:20,025 Please, let me in! 267 00:11:20,092 --> 00:11:22,598 I can only poop behind a punch‐code door! 268 00:11:22,664 --> 00:11:23,909 There's something about the beeps. 269 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,269 It gets things moving! 270 00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:27,106 It's very secure! 271 00:11:27,173 --> 00:11:28,543 MAN 2: Go away! 272 00:11:28,610 --> 00:11:30,446 You can't do this! 273 00:11:30,513 --> 00:11:32,718 When a mom is shunned by groceries, 274 00:11:32,784 --> 00:11:35,891 she has nothing! (crying) 275 00:11:35,957 --> 00:11:39,163 Please! 276 00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:45,109 Aah! It's those antibacterial wipes for the shopping carts! 277 00:11:45,175 --> 00:11:46,846 It's burning my eyes! 278 00:11:46,913 --> 00:11:49,350 (bleep)! 279 00:11:50,887 --> 00:11:52,824 ♪ ♪ 280 00:11:52,891 --> 00:11:53,826 Oh, my God. 281 00:11:53,893 --> 00:11:55,462 I‐It's me. 282 00:11:55,530 --> 00:11:57,366 I'm the swearer. 283 00:11:57,433 --> 00:12:00,205 (sobbing): Oh, God. 284 00:12:00,272 --> 00:12:03,579 I'm ruining my child! 285 00:12:03,646 --> 00:12:04,982 NARRATOR: Lois was sad, 286 00:12:05,049 --> 00:12:07,253 but not as sad as she was going to be 287 00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,259 when she realizes she has to use those ouchie wipes 288 00:12:10,326 --> 00:12:12,831 to make a potty next to the store dumpster. 289 00:12:18,876 --> 00:12:21,081 I feel so awful. 290 00:12:21,147 --> 00:12:22,651 I've corrupted my baby 291 00:12:22,718 --> 00:12:25,790 with my foul language and my terrible anger. 292 00:12:25,857 --> 00:12:27,961 I'm so sorry that happened, Lois. 293 00:12:28,028 --> 00:12:30,366 And Lofthouse cookies weren't available 294 00:12:30,432 --> 00:12:31,869 at any other grocery store? 295 00:12:31,936 --> 00:12:34,374 Don't worry, Dad. I Instacarted some. 296 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,844 (knocking) 297 00:12:37,113 --> 00:12:38,215 Here's your stuff. 298 00:12:38,281 --> 00:12:39,401 Thank you. Have a good night. 299 00:12:39,450 --> 00:12:41,388 No. 300 00:12:41,454 --> 00:12:42,824 Anyway, the point is 301 00:12:42,891 --> 00:12:45,730 I have to deal with my anger and fix myself. 302 00:12:45,797 --> 00:12:48,301 So I've decided to attend this relaxation retreat 303 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,907 at Vista del Vista Resort. 304 00:12:50,974 --> 00:12:52,452 Uh, gosh, I don't know about that, Lois. 305 00:12:52,476 --> 00:12:53,679 It sounds really expensive. 306 00:12:53,746 --> 00:12:55,917 (sighs) No, I guess you're right. 307 00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,754 There's no way we can afford it. 308 00:12:57,821 --> 00:12:59,858 Plus, if I go, that means I won't be here 309 00:12:59,925 --> 00:13:02,196 to help out around the house or feed you guys 310 00:13:02,263 --> 00:13:04,868 or monitor your Internet usage every day... 311 00:13:04,935 --> 00:13:05,870 - You should go. - Yeah, Mom, 312 00:13:05,937 --> 00:13:07,306 you should go, for sure. 313 00:13:07,373 --> 00:13:09,778 (upbeat music playing) 314 00:13:11,381 --> 00:13:14,087 Because they want to masturbate, you see. 315 00:13:15,122 --> 00:13:16,057 Okay. 316 00:13:16,124 --> 00:13:17,561 Uh, I don't know what that was, 317 00:13:17,627 --> 00:13:19,397 but, Lois, you should go to that resort. 318 00:13:19,464 --> 00:13:21,167 Go relax and fix yourself. 319 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,571 (gasps) Really? 320 00:13:22,637 --> 00:13:24,407 You guys'll be okay while I'm gone? 321 00:13:24,474 --> 00:13:25,743 Sure. We'll have fun! 322 00:13:25,810 --> 00:13:28,516 Just like that time me and Chris went Jet Ski'ing. 323 00:13:28,583 --> 00:13:30,520 Yeah! This is awesome! 324 00:13:30,587 --> 00:13:31,589 I know, right? 325 00:13:31,655 --> 00:13:33,191 (dolphin squeaks) 326 00:13:33,258 --> 00:13:34,193 Oh, my God! 327 00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:35,195 It's okay, Chris. 328 00:13:35,262 --> 00:13:36,474 I'm sure that was the only one. 329 00:13:36,498 --> 00:13:38,068 Dolphins swim alone. 330 00:13:38,135 --> 00:13:40,573 (squeaking) 331 00:13:41,842 --> 00:13:43,946 Okay, maybe we should turn back. 332 00:13:44,013 --> 00:13:45,215 No. 333 00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:48,255 Kill every last one of them. 334 00:13:48,321 --> 00:13:50,459 PETER: Chris and I never spoke of that day. 335 00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:53,966 But whenever somebody talks about how smart dolphins are, 336 00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:55,737 Chris and I look at each other like, 337 00:13:55,803 --> 00:13:57,707 "No." 338 00:13:57,774 --> 00:14:00,547 ("Ac‐Cent‐Tchu‐Ate the Positive" playing) 339 00:14:00,613 --> 00:14:04,888 ♪ You got to ac‐cent‐tchu‐ate the positive ♪ 340 00:14:04,955 --> 00:14:08,763 ♪ E‐lim‐I‐nate the negative ♪ 341 00:14:08,829 --> 00:14:10,867 ♪ And latch on ♪ 342 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,573 ♪ To the affirmative. ♪ 343 00:14:13,639 --> 00:14:16,010 Lois Griffin? My name is Roger, 344 00:14:16,077 --> 00:14:18,248 and I'll be guiding this relaxation adventure 345 00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:20,018 for you and the other white women, 346 00:14:20,085 --> 00:14:22,524 plus an Asian woman who has a white husband back home. 347 00:14:22,591 --> 00:14:25,128 I feel more relaxed already. 348 00:14:25,195 --> 00:14:28,869 Now sit down and enjoy some spa music that's mostly rain. 349 00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:31,809 Hey, guys, can we take it from the rain again? 350 00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:38,288 (rainfall sounds) 351 00:14:42,296 --> 00:14:43,799 Well, Chris and Meg are off to school. 352 00:14:43,866 --> 00:14:45,402 Guess it's just you and me now. 353 00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:46,739 You want a Popsicle? 354 00:14:46,805 --> 00:14:47,741 Huh? 355 00:14:47,807 --> 00:14:50,012 Breakfast Popsicle? 356 00:14:51,047 --> 00:14:52,984 Whoa, there's vodka in here. 357 00:14:53,051 --> 00:14:55,322 (gulping) 358 00:14:55,389 --> 00:14:57,092 (bottle clinks) 359 00:14:57,159 --> 00:14:58,763 Now, what‐‐ Uh, now, what is‐‐ 360 00:14:58,829 --> 00:15:00,499 Now, what... (stammers) what did you want? 361 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:01,602 What... (stammers) 362 00:15:01,669 --> 00:15:03,438 Let's go play in the hot yard. 363 00:15:03,506 --> 00:15:05,777 I'm two and a half hours late for preschool. 364 00:15:05,843 --> 00:15:06,779 Your dad... 365 00:15:06,845 --> 00:15:08,214 What... Who wants milk? 366 00:15:08,281 --> 00:15:10,720 L‐Let me quick just check in the freezer. 367 00:15:10,787 --> 00:15:13,058 (gulping) 368 00:15:13,124 --> 00:15:15,395 You‐you burger. 369 00:15:15,462 --> 00:15:17,232 Here‐Here's your veggie burger. 370 00:15:17,299 --> 00:15:18,636 (stammers) 371 00:15:18,703 --> 00:15:19,805 It'll thaw out. 372 00:15:19,871 --> 00:15:21,307 It... You s‐suck on it. 373 00:15:21,374 --> 00:15:22,911 It'll thaw out nice. 374 00:15:22,977 --> 00:15:24,514 All right, I'm out of here. 375 00:15:24,581 --> 00:15:26,785 Ah, this is the perfect amount of drunk 376 00:15:26,852 --> 00:15:29,791 for a Filet‐O‐Fish. 377 00:15:29,858 --> 00:15:32,697 ♪ ♪ 378 00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:34,868 TREY: Hey. 379 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:37,206 I'm, um, Trey Headband, 380 00:15:37,272 --> 00:15:40,379 and I'm your dumb yoga instructor? 381 00:15:40,445 --> 00:15:42,884 Yoga is, um, good? 382 00:15:42,951 --> 00:15:45,656 And from, um, like, China? 383 00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:47,727 Ready? Go. 384 00:15:47,794 --> 00:15:49,063 Go what? 385 00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:50,065 What? 386 00:15:50,132 --> 00:15:52,169 Y‐You didn't tell us what to do. 387 00:15:52,236 --> 00:15:54,841 Awesome. You guys did great. 388 00:15:54,908 --> 00:15:56,244 Let's take a break. 389 00:15:56,310 --> 00:15:57,747 Who's got yoga questions? 390 00:15:57,814 --> 00:15:59,216 Oh, I have a question. 391 00:15:59,283 --> 00:16:01,254 What does "namaste" mean? 392 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,322 I don't know. 393 00:16:02,389 --> 00:16:04,260 I've never heard of that. 394 00:16:04,326 --> 00:16:07,099 But do you guys remember OP shorts? 395 00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,478 What does that have to do with yoga? 396 00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:09,437 I don't know. 397 00:16:09,504 --> 00:16:12,176 I'm just saying, those were pretty rad. 398 00:16:12,242 --> 00:16:15,382 You guys are doing really good. 399 00:16:15,449 --> 00:16:16,618 Keep going. 400 00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:19,123 I'm gonna go to that bathroom right there 401 00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:21,595 and do explosive diarrhea. 402 00:16:22,964 --> 00:16:25,736 (muffled): Just be quiet and meditate now. 403 00:16:25,803 --> 00:16:26,839 Right on? 404 00:16:26,905 --> 00:16:30,078 (sputtering flatulence) 405 00:16:30,145 --> 00:16:32,917 Just, like, be one with the silence. 406 00:16:32,984 --> 00:16:35,422 (flatulence continues) 407 00:16:36,992 --> 00:16:38,596 If you hear a sound, 408 00:16:38,662 --> 00:16:41,200 just, um, rec‐knowledge it 409 00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,404 and then, like, let it go? 410 00:16:43,471 --> 00:16:44,841 (flatulence continues) 411 00:16:44,908 --> 00:16:47,246 (upbeat music playing) 412 00:16:47,312 --> 00:16:50,586 Meditation doesn't have diarrhea sounds. (chuckles) 413 00:16:50,653 --> 00:16:53,526 All right, let's check in on Peter and the baby. 414 00:16:54,928 --> 00:16:58,434 Okay, Stewie, time for Daddy to mow this very rocky backyard. 415 00:16:58,502 --> 00:17:01,207 So I'll just put you in this baby seat you've grown out of, 416 00:17:01,274 --> 00:17:02,586 right where the rocks are gonna fly. 417 00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:03,879 Wait, what? 418 00:17:05,448 --> 00:17:06,585 (grunting) 419 00:17:06,652 --> 00:17:08,221 Hang on! Stop! 420 00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:10,392 - Aah! - Uhp, there we go. 421 00:17:10,458 --> 00:17:12,897 - (Stewie screaming) - Wow, that's a lot of rocks. 422 00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:14,834 STEWIE: Damn it! Ow! Ow! Turn it off! 423 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,446 - Uhp, the voles are back. - (screaming) 424 00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,842 You can tell from all the very many rocks. 425 00:17:18,909 --> 00:17:20,178 Look at 'em fly! 426 00:17:20,245 --> 00:17:21,615 (screaming continues) 427 00:17:21,682 --> 00:17:24,253 Still think moving was such a bad idea? 428 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,255 I don't know. 429 00:17:25,322 --> 00:17:27,092 Do we still live with your mother? 430 00:17:27,159 --> 00:17:29,096 (instrumental Family Guy theme plays) 431 00:17:29,163 --> 00:17:31,167 (applause) 432 00:17:41,053 --> 00:17:42,590 Good morning, everyone. 433 00:17:42,657 --> 00:17:44,828 Let me start with another friendly reminder 434 00:17:44,894 --> 00:17:46,999 to please not flush your feminine products. 435 00:17:47,065 --> 00:17:48,936 The yard over the septic tank out back 436 00:17:49,003 --> 00:17:51,140 looks like a Braveheart battlefield. 437 00:17:51,207 --> 00:17:54,480 Okay. Now it's time for everyone to choose a mantra. 438 00:17:54,547 --> 00:17:55,583 What's that? 439 00:17:55,650 --> 00:17:58,087 It's like a word you say that brings you peace. 440 00:17:58,154 --> 00:17:59,423 A special word. 441 00:17:59,490 --> 00:18:01,928 A word of release and catharsis. 442 00:18:01,995 --> 00:18:03,699 You mean like (bleep)? 443 00:18:03,766 --> 00:18:05,035 (gasping) 444 00:18:05,101 --> 00:18:07,439 Now, now, Lois, let's keep things acceptable. 445 00:18:07,507 --> 00:18:09,443 I mean, I'm just saying‐‐ I already have a word 446 00:18:09,511 --> 00:18:11,280 that does all those things when I say it. 447 00:18:11,347 --> 00:18:12,660 - And that word is... - (stammers) 448 00:18:12,684 --> 00:18:14,386 Yes, we heard the word! Lois, please... 449 00:18:14,453 --> 00:18:16,057 No, no, maybe I'm not perfect, 450 00:18:16,123 --> 00:18:17,627 but I'm a good person. 451 00:18:17,694 --> 00:18:18,962 I love my children. 452 00:18:19,029 --> 00:18:20,065 I like my husband. 453 00:18:20,131 --> 00:18:21,171 And there are worse things 454 00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,471 than occasionally using a swear word. 455 00:18:23,539 --> 00:18:25,543 I'm out of here. 456 00:18:29,584 --> 00:18:31,521 Guys, I'm worried about the baby. 457 00:18:31,588 --> 00:18:33,692 He's hardly touched any of his birdseed. 458 00:18:33,759 --> 00:18:35,796 Are you sure we're shaking him enough? 459 00:18:35,863 --> 00:18:37,466 I'm home! 460 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,804 ‐(excited chatter) ‐Yeah! 461 00:18:39,871 --> 00:18:41,808 I missed you guys so much. 462 00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:43,812 I'm so sorry I had that little meltdown. 463 00:18:43,879 --> 00:18:44,881 But, more than that, 464 00:18:44,948 --> 00:18:47,285 I'm sorry I left you guys on your own. 465 00:18:47,352 --> 00:18:49,022 This is where I want to be. 466 00:18:49,089 --> 00:18:50,793 Is that okay with you guys? 467 00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:51,862 Of course, Lois. 468 00:18:51,928 --> 00:18:53,364 Everyone's glad you're home, 469 00:18:53,431 --> 00:18:55,536 except for mean older brother Buzz, 470 00:18:55,603 --> 00:18:57,139 who never says anything nice. 471 00:18:57,205 --> 00:18:58,876 Uh‐oh. Here he is now. 472 00:18:58,942 --> 00:19:00,211 Hey, Lois. 473 00:19:00,278 --> 00:19:02,349 Pretty cool you're back. 474 00:19:02,415 --> 00:19:04,788 Aw, I guess he's not such a bad guy after all. 475 00:19:04,854 --> 00:19:07,292 Also, America should only accept white immigrants. 476 00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:09,496 Uhp, nope, he's still a bad guy. 477 00:19:09,564 --> 00:19:11,500 Well, I am so happy to be home. 478 00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:15,141 But there's one little guy I missed most of all. 479 00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:18,047 Where's my baby? 480 00:19:18,114 --> 00:19:20,118 ♪ ♪ 481 00:19:24,393 --> 00:19:25,729 Stewie, 482 00:19:25,796 --> 00:19:27,399 I‐it's me. 483 00:19:27,465 --> 00:19:29,336 I'm home. 484 00:19:29,403 --> 00:19:31,908 ♪ ♪ 485 00:19:31,975 --> 00:19:33,579 Mommy! 486 00:19:33,645 --> 00:19:34,581 (gasping) 487 00:19:34,647 --> 00:19:35,583 - Whoa. - Wow. 488 00:19:35,649 --> 00:19:37,185 It's Stewie's second word! 489 00:19:37,252 --> 00:19:38,755 Oh, my God! (chuckles) 490 00:19:38,822 --> 00:19:40,593 His second word was me! 491 00:19:40,659 --> 00:19:41,695 "Mommy." 492 00:19:41,761 --> 00:19:44,233 Oh, I love you, Stewie! 493 00:19:44,299 --> 00:19:46,738 Ooh, ooh. Say that again for Instagram. 494 00:19:51,247 --> 00:19:53,919 Well, well, I guess he doesn't feel like it anymore. 495 00:19:53,986 --> 00:19:55,121 - Mommy! - Ah! 496 00:19:55,188 --> 00:19:58,494 Say it again! Say "Mommy" again for Instagram. 497 00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:00,900 (sighs): All right. 498 00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:01,968 I tried. 499 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:02,970 Mommy! 500 00:20:03,037 --> 00:20:04,039 (bleep)! 501 00:20:10,853 --> 00:20:12,389 Wow, Stewie, kind of a big deal 502 00:20:12,455 --> 00:20:14,226 that your second word was "Mommy." 503 00:20:14,293 --> 00:20:16,130 Makes me think you don't want to kill her 504 00:20:16,196 --> 00:20:18,100 and maybe you love her. 505 00:20:18,167 --> 00:20:20,104 (chuckles): No, no, no. No, no, no. 506 00:20:20,171 --> 00:20:22,275 No, no, that's what I wanted you to think. 507 00:20:22,342 --> 00:20:23,721 - What are you talking about? - Yeah. 508 00:20:23,745 --> 00:20:24,781 I scammed you, man. 509 00:20:24,847 --> 00:20:26,450 Took you for a ride, Jack. 510 00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:27,853 You thought you were a big wheel 511 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,191 till you found out squares don't roll, man. 512 00:20:30,258 --> 00:20:31,695 Dig this, hep cat. 513 00:20:31,761 --> 00:20:35,368 The Stew‐man spun you round like a Bill Evans 45. 514 00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:36,805 Wait, what's happening? 515 00:20:36,871 --> 00:20:38,374 I'll tell you what's happening, Brian. 516 00:20:38,441 --> 00:20:41,881 The whole family's becoming Jack Kerouac's insufferable friends. 517 00:20:41,948 --> 00:20:44,721 No one wants us at their apartment party, ya dig? 518 00:20:44,787 --> 00:20:47,560 Get hip to that, daddy, or skit‐scat out of the house. 519 00:20:47,626 --> 00:20:50,064 (playing jazz) 520 00:20:52,135 --> 00:20:54,072 We don't know how to end these shows anymore, 521 00:20:54,139 --> 00:20:56,076 so we just do nonsense. 522 00:21:29,076 --> 00:21:31,046 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH