1 00:00:01,700 --> 00:00:04,520 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,690 --> 00:00:07,580 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,770 --> 00:00:11,470 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,530 --> 00:00:14,400 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,460 --> 00:00:18,160 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,320 --> 00:00:21,670 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,820 --> 00:00:23,170 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:24,760 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,950 --> 00:00:30,430 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:39,530 --> 00:00:41,350 I won a chain saw. 11 00:00:41,450 --> 00:00:43,670 What? What are you talking about? 12 00:00:43,690 --> 00:00:45,260 Some lady up the block is giving away 13 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,380 all of her husband's stuff 'cause he shot himself 14 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:48,970 - in the face. - Oh, my God! 15 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,100 I've seen that lady. He did the right thing. 16 00:00:51,170 --> 00:00:52,890 That's also how we got this couch. 17 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,590 Basically everything in this house 18 00:00:54,610 --> 00:00:56,690 is Christmas suicide furniture. 19 00:00:56,750 --> 00:00:58,800 Donna, they had a bullhorn. 20 00:00:58,950 --> 00:01:01,690 I don't know why, but they had a bullhorn. 21 00:01:01,750 --> 00:01:03,630 Cleveland, it's time for lunch. 22 00:01:03,830 --> 00:01:05,690 What do I want? Sammich! 23 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,700 When do I want it? Now! 24 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:11,060 ♪ I ain't eatin' no Lipton soup. ♪ 25 00:01:15,710 --> 00:01:19,040 So, kids, Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing. 26 00:01:19,100 --> 00:01:20,800 It's called a podcast. 27 00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:23,550 I guess it's like a-a radio show on your phone. 28 00:01:23,610 --> 00:01:25,660 Have you heard of these? Podcasts. 29 00:01:25,850 --> 00:01:27,990 Yeah, Mom, we know what podcasts are. 30 00:01:28,140 --> 00:01:29,730 Huh. 31 00:01:29,830 --> 00:01:32,720 I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms. 32 00:01:32,780 --> 00:01:34,960 I'll have to let Bonnie know. 33 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:50,620 Wow, really? 34 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,740 Mom, Stewie needs his sausage cut 35 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:54,020 and his butter spread. 36 00:01:54,210 --> 00:01:56,080 Here, let me get that for you, buddy. 37 00:02:07,870 --> 00:02:10,590 There you go. Eat up, little guy. 38 00:02:10,690 --> 00:02:13,430 Damn it, Peter. You ruined Stewie's chair. 39 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:17,960 And Bonnie wants to know what all the noise is. 40 00:02:22,380 --> 00:02:24,380 - Amazing. - Ooh. 41 00:02:24,530 --> 00:02:26,460 - Wow, it's Willem Dafoe! - That's right. 42 00:02:26,590 --> 00:02:29,030 Since Willem Dafoe has more bones in his face 43 00:02:29,050 --> 00:02:30,910 than most people have in their entire body, 44 00:02:30,930 --> 00:02:33,390 he's perfect for carving, 'cause the angles are so sharp. 45 00:02:33,580 --> 00:02:34,650 It's beautiful, Peter. 46 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,470 Yeah, I just love William Dafoe. 47 00:02:36,620 --> 00:02:38,080 It's not "William," it's "Willem." 48 00:02:38,110 --> 00:02:39,750 Yeah, that's what I said. "William." 49 00:02:39,770 --> 00:02:41,580 He was in Spider-Man with Kristin Dunst. 50 00:02:41,610 --> 00:02:43,960 - Kirsten Dunst. - Right. Kirsten Dunce. 51 00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:46,800 - It's not "Dunce," it's "Dunst." - Yeah, Kristin Dunce. 52 00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,130 In the movie, she dated William Dafoe's son. 53 00:02:49,150 --> 00:02:52,150 Spell it, Joe! Spell what you are saying right now. 54 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,470 Well, I'll give it a shot. 55 00:02:53,530 --> 00:02:57,810 K-Y-R-H... 56 00:02:59,110 --> 00:03:01,490 Look, there's a reason I became a cop and not a spellman. 57 00:03:01,630 --> 00:03:03,330 - A what? - A spellman. 58 00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:05,640 - "Spellman" is not a thing, Joe! - Sure it is. 59 00:03:05,670 --> 00:03:07,830 Fireman, longshoreman, spellman. 60 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,650 Stop me when I'm wrong. 61 00:03:09,670 --> 00:03:11,930 - He's getting too many right. - Now I'm starting to think 62 00:03:11,950 --> 00:03:13,390 there is such a thing as a spellman. 63 00:03:13,410 --> 00:03:14,580 Hey, guys. Check it out. 64 00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,490 - It's Groot. - Oh, yeah. 65 00:03:16,550 --> 00:03:19,560 From that Marble movie. 66 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,020 What are you doing?! 67 00:03:25,090 --> 00:03:28,030 - Turn that chain saw off! - Not a chance, Lois. 68 00:03:28,130 --> 00:03:30,190 You know how hard it was to get that thing started? 69 00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:33,930 It was even worse than trying to cover anything with Saran Wrap. 70 00:04:35,760 --> 00:04:37,610 Oh. 71 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:21,990 Perfect. 72 00:05:22,180 --> 00:05:24,740 Can't wait to throw that out in two weeks. 73 00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:36,910 Peter! What's going on out here?! 74 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,160 Oh, hey, Lois. I'm just hollowing out this tree 75 00:05:39,260 --> 00:05:40,800 for the Keebler elves to live in. 76 00:05:40,830 --> 00:05:42,430 - Awesome! - I know, right? 77 00:05:42,570 --> 00:05:44,010 Gonna get us a lifetime supply 78 00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:47,260 of fresh-baked-but-still-stale supermarket cookies. 79 00:05:47,350 --> 00:05:50,560 All right, time for a little elfin magic. 80 00:05:57,220 --> 00:06:00,250 Ow! Oh! My arm! Oh, son of a bitch! 81 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,270 - Oh, my God! - Mom, look. 82 00:06:15,590 --> 00:06:18,600 Aw. Poor thing must've been living in the tree. 83 00:06:20,410 --> 00:06:23,040 - And its foot seems hurt. - It's even worse than that. 84 00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:26,130 It looks like the tree landed on its parents and killed them. 85 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:27,890 Nobody touch the smooshed squirrel bodies! 86 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,540 Ooh, I got to get my camera. 87 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,060 That girl is one giant red flag. 88 00:06:33,230 --> 00:06:35,650 Stewie, this squirrel needs help. 89 00:06:37,070 --> 00:06:40,070 I wonder if... m-maybe I could take care of it. 90 00:06:40,260 --> 00:06:42,050 I don't know if you should do it on your own. 91 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,560 Could be a lot of work. 92 00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:46,890 Would... would you do it with me? 93 00:06:46,910 --> 00:06:48,640 Well, I-I don't think it... 94 00:06:55,330 --> 00:06:58,000 You know what? I think that's a marvelous idea, Chris. 95 00:06:58,090 --> 00:07:00,740 I daresay we would make outstanding parents 96 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,500 - to this squirrel. - Hey there, Griffin boys. 97 00:07:03,650 --> 00:07:06,260 I saw this tree go down. Any loot in it? 98 00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,340 Elven treasures? 99 00:07:08,430 --> 00:07:10,340 Uh, no. 100 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,010 Hey, Donna, the tree's just regular. 101 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:15,770 Go to work, Cleveland! 102 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:24,060 Well, somebody's getting big and strong. 103 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,810 Did you hear that one vet technician 104 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,340 say our little squirrel here 105 00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:30,580 was in the 70th percentile for height and weight? 106 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,540 No. Which vet tech said that? 107 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,160 The one with the neck tattoo. 108 00:07:34,180 --> 00:07:36,350 - Which one with the neck tattoo? - The one we saw 109 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,580 smoking in the parking lot when we were leaving. 110 00:07:38,610 --> 00:07:40,610 Again, you're gonna have to be more specific. 111 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,740 The one wearing pajama bottoms as pants. 112 00:07:42,850 --> 00:07:45,080 - Sorry, I don't... - The girl one! 113 00:07:45,140 --> 00:07:47,920 Oh, yeah, with the half-shaved head. She was nice. 114 00:07:47,980 --> 00:07:50,230 Well, I'll bet this cutie is hungry. 115 00:07:53,530 --> 00:07:55,110 Wh-What are you doing? 116 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:56,920 Don't film me. Film the baby. 117 00:07:56,980 --> 00:07:58,930 But you're both so cute. 118 00:07:58,990 --> 00:08:00,950 This role, it-it suits you. 119 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,950 It's like you've been waiting your whole life 120 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,280 to be this person. 121 00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:06,040 Shush, you're going to make me cry. 122 00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,600 Aw! He made a little toot. 123 00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:12,380 That was me. It was one of my cross-legged ones. 124 00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:16,220 I should probably stop recording. 125 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,190 Well, if it's your elbow that's bothering you, 126 00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:25,220 we should start by checking your reflexes. 127 00:08:26,780 --> 00:08:28,380 - Okay, they seem all right. - Oh, that's good. 128 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,310 But you got to help me. My arm really hurts. 129 00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:32,270 It all started after I got a chain saw. 130 00:08:32,290 --> 00:08:33,960 Hmm, is that right? 131 00:08:34,150 --> 00:08:36,610 Well, it sounds to me like you may have Chain Saw Elbow. 132 00:08:36,670 --> 00:08:39,630 - "Chain Saw Elbow"? - Yes, it's all explained 133 00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:40,850 in this video. 134 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,210 Hi, I'm Tommy Lee Jones. 135 00:08:42,300 --> 00:08:43,970 Congratulations on suffering 136 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,210 from the coolest arm ailment there is: 137 00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:48,120 Chain Saw Elbow. 138 00:08:48,140 --> 00:08:50,710 As a celebrity dick, it's always been my passion 139 00:08:50,810 --> 00:08:52,700 to own a ranch in a low-tax state 140 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,630 that I list as my primary residence. 141 00:08:54,690 --> 00:08:56,960 And when I'm not pouting at awards shows, 142 00:08:56,980 --> 00:08:58,740 I'm out in the field cutting firewood 143 00:08:58,770 --> 00:09:00,980 for a staged Instagram post. 144 00:09:01,130 --> 00:09:03,890 Sometimes I overdo it, end up with Chain Saw Elbow. 145 00:09:04,050 --> 00:09:06,320 Now here's fellow ranch owner Dennis Quaid 146 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:09,070 to discuss the dangers of Tractor Ass. 147 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,740 So, you have Tractor Ass. 148 00:09:11,830 --> 00:09:14,400 Okay, so how much synthetic opioid do you need? 149 00:09:14,500 --> 00:09:16,890 I'm trying to prescribe enough to earn a fanny pack. 150 00:09:16,910 --> 00:09:18,650 A-Aren't there any other options? 151 00:09:18,670 --> 00:09:20,870 Well, there's a trucker hat, but those look stupid on me. 152 00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:23,580 You know, sometimes joint pain is connected to back issues. 153 00:09:23,670 --> 00:09:25,920 Have you ever had a chiropractic adjustment? 154 00:09:26,070 --> 00:09:27,480 - What's that? - It's a procedure 155 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,440 where a guy who couldn't get into medical school 156 00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:31,420 - tries to rip your head off. - Does it work? 157 00:09:31,570 --> 00:09:32,760 If you believe it works. 158 00:09:32,910 --> 00:09:34,370 It's kind of like the Polar Express. 159 00:09:34,390 --> 00:09:36,660 - Let's do it! - Okay, I'll give it a shot. 160 00:09:36,690 --> 00:09:38,930 But this type of thing is usually done in strip malls 161 00:09:39,070 --> 00:09:41,440 next to a Little Caesars. 162 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:54,780 Holy crap! What happened? 163 00:09:54,930 --> 00:09:57,180 Well, I think we simply found your true height. 164 00:09:57,210 --> 00:09:59,520 Before years of poor posture and wear and tear 165 00:09:59,590 --> 00:10:02,270 - crushed your spirit and your spine. - Wow. 166 00:10:02,330 --> 00:10:04,450 Mr. Griffin, let's discuss risk factors. 167 00:10:04,550 --> 00:10:06,860 Do you lead a lifestyle that's sedentary? 168 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,200 Pet Sedentary? 169 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:10,220 I'm saying you need to strengthen your core 170 00:10:10,250 --> 00:10:11,460 and exercise regularly. 171 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,520 - Is that the hat? - Stupid, right? 172 00:10:17,620 --> 00:10:19,730 I know the holidays are still months away, 173 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,050 but I was just so excited 174 00:10:21,110 --> 00:10:23,210 to take our family Christmas card photo. 175 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,640 Are you kidding? I love it. 176 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,130 You know what, Chris? 177 00:10:28,190 --> 00:10:30,810 I feel like I'm ready to start trying... 178 00:10:30,910 --> 00:10:33,680 to find another squirrel. 179 00:10:33,740 --> 00:10:34,800 What? 180 00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:37,140 Nothing. I just... 181 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,970 I just hit the lottery when I met you. 182 00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:41,310 Here's your photo. 183 00:10:41,370 --> 00:10:42,730 It's the only one where the squirrel 184 00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:44,110 wasn't trying to bite your hand. 185 00:10:44,130 --> 00:10:45,730 - Ooh! - Oh, I love it! 186 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:48,150 - How much do we owe you? - It's fine. Just keep it. 187 00:10:48,210 --> 00:10:50,470 Sears just closed forever. 188 00:10:55,270 --> 00:10:56,990 Whoa! Peter, what happened? 189 00:10:57,050 --> 00:10:58,990 Did you tease that witch again? 190 00:10:59,010 --> 00:11:00,340 No, I got a back adjustment. 191 00:11:00,500 --> 00:11:02,160 Turns out I've been this tall all along. 192 00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:04,330 - You don't say. - Well, that's amazing. 193 00:11:04,350 --> 00:11:05,960 Why are you still wearing the same pants? 194 00:11:05,990 --> 00:11:08,660 I don't know. I only get pants at Christmas, so... 195 00:11:08,690 --> 00:11:10,170 I'll get pants at Christmas. 196 00:11:10,230 --> 00:11:12,930 - So, how is it being that tall? - It's okay, I guess. 197 00:11:12,990 --> 00:11:15,930 Although I've noticed I'm a lot more clumsy in the bedroom. 198 00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:20,330 I'm so sorry. 199 00:11:20,350 --> 00:11:22,580 You two keep going. I'm gonna clean this up. 200 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,950 Stewie! Stewie, come quick! 201 00:11:30,010 --> 00:11:31,950 Its first steps? 202 00:11:32,010 --> 00:11:33,470 We've got to film this! 203 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,050 I know, I know! 204 00:11:39,630 --> 00:11:40,790 Look at that! 205 00:11:40,850 --> 00:11:42,370 Oh, I'm going to cry! 206 00:11:42,430 --> 00:11:44,390 I've never felt this proud. 207 00:11:44,540 --> 00:11:46,800 That's going on Instagram right now. 208 00:11:46,860 --> 00:11:49,150 Totally! But we should pair it with a song 209 00:11:49,340 --> 00:11:51,060 about steps or walking. 210 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,730 Oh, my God, yes. "Walking on Sunshine." 211 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,070 Oh, that would sell it. 212 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,160 Sell what? That we're totally cliché? 213 00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:00,140 - How about "Step by Step"? - New Kids on the Block? 214 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:01,830 No. The Eddie Rabbitt version. 215 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,650 And have people think we're 100? 216 00:12:03,710 --> 00:12:04,950 Let's do "Walking in Memphis." 217 00:12:05,060 --> 00:12:06,690 I will concede that's a good song, 218 00:12:06,710 --> 00:12:09,410 but we don't live in Memphis, so I find it confusing. 219 00:12:09,510 --> 00:12:11,180 What about "Walk Like an Egyptian"? 220 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:12,940 Well, we don't live in Egypt either. 221 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,240 Ah. Hoisted on my own petard. 222 00:12:15,340 --> 00:12:16,850 "Nobody Walks in L.A." 223 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,330 Again, we do not live in L.A. 224 00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:21,330 Ooh, let's do "I Love L.A."! 225 00:12:21,350 --> 00:12:22,670 Do you know what? 226 00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:24,110 This is going to surprise you, Chris, 227 00:12:24,140 --> 00:12:25,180 but I agree with you. 228 00:12:25,210 --> 00:12:27,930 Let's use "I Love L.A." 229 00:12:28,030 --> 00:12:30,600 ♪ I love L.A. ♪ 230 00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:33,170 - It's perfect! - ♪ We love it! ♪ 231 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,510 Yes, this will really tell people that... 232 00:12:35,570 --> 00:12:38,090 ♪ I love L.A. ♪ 233 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:41,200 ♪ We love it! ♪ 234 00:12:42,230 --> 00:12:45,120 ♪ I love L.A. ♪ 235 00:12:51,380 --> 00:12:53,530 Thank you all for coming today. 236 00:12:53,590 --> 00:12:56,960 It means a lot to Stewie and me that you would be here. 237 00:12:57,050 --> 00:12:58,120 I got this, Chris. 238 00:12:58,220 --> 00:12:59,860 Everyone, after the service, 239 00:12:59,890 --> 00:13:01,740 you are all invited to a small reception 240 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,890 to honor our beloved squirrel. 241 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:05,970 Nothing fancy. Just acorns and puddle water. 242 00:13:06,060 --> 00:13:07,980 It'll take place either on top of the fence 243 00:13:08,060 --> 00:13:09,230 or along a power line. 244 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:10,730 But, first, please join me 245 00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:12,960 in a frozen-in-place moment of silence, 246 00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:16,360 followed by a manic scattering in all directions. 247 00:13:27,580 --> 00:13:29,580 All right, the Quahog Fair. 248 00:13:29,770 --> 00:13:31,660 Hey, Peter, would you get off your phone? 249 00:13:31,810 --> 00:13:33,810 Sorry, young girls keep killing each other 250 00:13:33,870 --> 00:13:35,900 'cause they think I'm the Slender Man now. 251 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:37,440 Are-are you... 252 00:13:37,470 --> 00:13:39,070 are you telling them to kill each other? 253 00:13:39,090 --> 00:13:40,630 It's just a goof. 254 00:13:43,470 --> 00:13:45,580 You sure you're not too tall for this? 255 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,970 Nah, it's gonna be great. 256 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,160 Yay! 257 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:55,420 - Ow! Who kicked me?! - Sorry! 258 00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,610 - What the hell?! - My bad. 259 00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,500 - Ow! Who's doing that? - It's that jerk up there! 260 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:04,300 It's Slender Man! 261 00:14:04,370 --> 00:14:05,430 Kill yourselves! 262 00:14:05,490 --> 00:14:06,950 - Peter! - Come on. 263 00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:08,440 It's just a goof. 264 00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,190 Don't you dare touch its bedroom! 265 00:14:22,290 --> 00:14:24,030 The squirrel is gone, Stewie, 266 00:14:24,090 --> 00:14:26,550 and there's nothing we can do to change that. 267 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,620 Yes, thanks to you. If it weren't for you, 268 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,550 our sweet baby would still be alive. 269 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,390 - Me? - That's right. 270 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:34,020 If you hadn't kept the squirrel up so late, 271 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,460 none of this would have happened. 272 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,650 That squirrel should have been in bed, Chris. 273 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:39,820 It was 7:45! 274 00:14:40,010 --> 00:14:41,730 What? I'm not the one 275 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,970 who just had to post the video to Instagram that very second. 276 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:47,880 You couldn't even enjoy the moment for one damn minute 277 00:14:47,940 --> 00:14:50,500 before desperately groveling for online approval 278 00:14:50,650 --> 00:14:51,910 from aunts you never talk to 279 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,560 and past coworkers you don't even like! 280 00:14:54,620 --> 00:14:56,560 Is that so? Well, if you had a newer phone, 281 00:14:56,660 --> 00:14:58,750 it wouldn't have taken so long to upload the video. 282 00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:02,570 Well, excuse me for not having a fancier phone. 283 00:15:02,670 --> 00:15:04,420 I'm only a paperboy! 284 00:15:04,510 --> 00:15:07,760 Oh, I'm well aware that you're only a paperboy. 285 00:15:12,060 --> 00:15:14,580 Ah, perfect. I see you're using again. 286 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,580 Oh, I wonder why. 287 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,770 And don't think I didn't smell the Charleston Chew 288 00:15:18,860 --> 00:15:20,240 on your breath at the service. 289 00:15:20,270 --> 00:15:22,010 Maybe if you'd been a little sharper 290 00:15:22,030 --> 00:15:23,620 on the evening in question, we wouldn't be in this... 291 00:15:23,650 --> 00:15:25,750 I had four Skittles that night! 292 00:15:25,770 --> 00:15:27,030 That's not zero! 293 00:15:27,180 --> 00:15:28,870 You knew there was a dog in the house. 294 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,090 He's practically your best friend! 295 00:15:31,110 --> 00:15:33,260 Or maybe even more than that. 296 00:15:33,370 --> 00:15:35,520 You shut your damn mouth! 297 00:15:35,540 --> 00:15:37,380 Oh, this is awful. 298 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:41,770 Why does death seem so much easier in the Rocky movies? 299 00:15:41,830 --> 00:15:43,100 Goodbye, Mick. 300 00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:47,890 Oh, wai... You're just gonna put him in a drawer? 301 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,780 - What are you, like, filing him? - Yes, for tax reasons. 302 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:51,780 Jews don't die. 303 00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,370 They just slowly depreciate 304 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:56,040 and then are eventually written off. 305 00:16:00,180 --> 00:16:01,980 What's the matter, Peter? 306 00:16:02,070 --> 00:16:03,810 I'm just sick of being tall. 307 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,090 I had a hard enough time getting everything in the toilet before. 308 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,980 I want my old body back. 309 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,130 Well, there is a way. 310 00:16:11,190 --> 00:16:12,470 What is it? 311 00:16:12,530 --> 00:16:14,060 Lock the front door. 312 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,340 Peter, if you really want to get shorter, 313 00:16:17,370 --> 00:16:19,480 - I can berate you. - What? 314 00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:21,490 The female power to belittle is such 315 00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:24,980 that the recipient can physically shrink in stature. 316 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,090 That's why husbands and wives are the same height in old age. 317 00:16:28,290 --> 00:16:30,170 Lois, berate me. 318 00:16:30,260 --> 00:16:33,770 Okay, Peter, but if I do this, I really got to do it. 319 00:16:33,930 --> 00:16:35,010 Do it. 320 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,590 For starters, you're a failure. 321 00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:42,700 Gah! 322 00:16:42,730 --> 00:16:43,890 You didn't go to college. 323 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,280 Daddy pays our mortgage. 324 00:16:45,470 --> 00:16:47,150 And you're a terrible husband and father. 325 00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,950 - Ouch! - Your whole life 326 00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:50,930 is a pattern of hateable noises. 327 00:16:51,030 --> 00:16:53,100 - Ooh! - The way you chew a banana 328 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:54,880 makes it sound like it's filled with bones. 329 00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:57,100 - Ouch! - I loathe the little wheeze 330 00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:58,940 at the crest of every breath you take. 331 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,630 - Yikes! - I hate the one story you tell 332 00:17:01,820 --> 00:17:05,450 at every cocktail party about almost meeting John Kerry. 333 00:17:05,510 --> 00:17:07,020 That's a good story. 334 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:08,210 You didn't even meet him! 335 00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:09,850 Almost. 336 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,120 Your eyeglass lenses have been smudged for 19 years. 337 00:17:13,140 --> 00:17:14,600 Aw, crap. 338 00:17:14,620 --> 00:17:15,950 Everyone hates it when you see fireworks 339 00:17:15,980 --> 00:17:17,950 and you announce, "This is the finale!" 340 00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:20,650 - Please stop. - Pink Floyd is multiple guys! 341 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:21,550 He is? 342 00:17:21,710 --> 00:17:23,220 You're so predictable. 343 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:25,170 I know every word that's gonna come out of your mouth 344 00:17:25,190 --> 00:17:26,890 before you even say it. 345 00:17:26,990 --> 00:17:29,320 Balderdash. Heavens. Stop that. 346 00:17:29,470 --> 00:17:32,550 I worked for Purolator Courier before they went bankrupt. 347 00:17:32,610 --> 00:17:34,140 Appearance. 348 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,400 Intelligence. 349 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,720 Penis size. 350 00:17:38,670 --> 00:17:40,960 And another thing...! 351 00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:47,420 Well, Lois, you are a master. 352 00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:52,940 Well, let me first start by saying 353 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,620 y'all's doing your relationship a huge favor 354 00:17:55,820 --> 00:17:57,680 by coming to couples counseling. 355 00:17:57,740 --> 00:18:00,690 Now, why don't y'all start by each trying to suck up to me 356 00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:03,210 so I can choose who I'm-a side with? 357 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,370 Well, I'm Stewart, and I would love to offer you 358 00:18:05,510 --> 00:18:06,970 a freshly baked brownie. 359 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,640 Mmm. Oh, my. 360 00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:11,530 Someone's already in the lead. 361 00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:14,720 I'm Chris. I'm somehow both signing the checks 362 00:18:14,870 --> 00:18:15,890 and always wrong. 363 00:18:15,980 --> 00:18:17,800 See, this is why we came. 364 00:18:17,860 --> 00:18:19,530 Right? It's this all day. 365 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:20,980 Oh, that's right. 366 00:18:21,180 --> 00:18:23,260 I'm not allowed to mention I'm paying for this. 367 00:18:23,340 --> 00:18:25,140 It's both 100% true 368 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,470 and also the worst thing anybody could possibly say. 369 00:18:28,580 --> 00:18:31,230 He had his arms crossed the whole ride here. 370 00:18:31,390 --> 00:18:32,990 Excuse me if I don't buy into 371 00:18:33,190 --> 00:18:35,880 this whole headshrinker business. 372 00:18:35,910 --> 00:18:37,750 Stewie promised he'd make healthy meals for us, 373 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:40,150 but all he ever makes is frozen pizza. 374 00:18:40,210 --> 00:18:42,730 You said you loved pizza, especially when I make 375 00:18:42,790 --> 00:18:44,650 the ones with the crust made of "hwheat." 376 00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:46,160 He also does that. 377 00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:47,900 Oh, really? Go ahead. 378 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,070 Show him those girls you follow on Instagram. 379 00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:52,570 It's all bosoms and derrieres on there. 380 00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:55,500 This is all stuff I've talked about with my life coach, Kyle. 381 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,160 Yeah, "life coach." 382 00:18:57,190 --> 00:18:59,350 Kyle's into you and you know it. 383 00:18:59,510 --> 00:19:00,930 What...?! 384 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,080 Okay. Chris, why don't you tell your side of the story 385 00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:06,090 while I share looks with Stewart that say, 386 00:19:06,150 --> 00:19:08,700 "Whoa, this is what you got to deal with?" 387 00:19:08,890 --> 00:19:11,840 This is just so hard. 388 00:19:11,870 --> 00:19:14,200 Stewie won't stop blaming me about the death, 389 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:16,260 but it's not my fault. 390 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,110 I didn't kill our squirrel. 391 00:19:18,210 --> 00:19:20,540 You know, I'm sad, too! 392 00:19:20,690 --> 00:19:22,940 I know. I-I just... 393 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,770 I just don't know what to do with all these feelings! 394 00:19:25,870 --> 00:19:29,960 Which is why... I suppose I've been taking them out on you. 395 00:19:30,050 --> 00:19:31,790 I'm so sorry, Chris. 396 00:19:31,930 --> 00:19:34,030 Me, too, Stewie. 397 00:19:34,060 --> 00:19:35,800 We can't bring our baby back, 398 00:19:35,890 --> 00:19:39,470 but we'll always have Tuesday through Friday of last week. 399 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,970 Keep talking. 400 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,420 I's just gonna open up this big book 401 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:43,990 and use the time you're paying for 402 00:19:44,020 --> 00:19:46,230 to figure out when you're next available. 403 00:19:46,430 --> 00:19:50,300 It was a true pleasure parenting our squirrel with you, Chris. 404 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:51,570 Likewise, Stewie. 405 00:19:51,770 --> 00:19:53,390 And although his life was brief, 406 00:19:53,410 --> 00:19:55,910 I'll always have very fond memories of him. 407 00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:57,390 Wait, "him"? 408 00:19:57,460 --> 00:19:58,900 It-it was a her. 409 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,600 No, it wasn't. The squirrel was a boy. 410 00:20:00,630 --> 00:20:02,480 What? That's crazy. 411 00:20:02,540 --> 00:20:04,990 - Chris, he was a boy. - How do you know? 412 00:20:05,150 --> 00:20:06,760 Well, you've got to check with your finger. 413 00:20:06,780 --> 00:20:09,500 But you really got to get it in there. 414 00:20:09,650 --> 00:20:12,080 Huh. Well, then maybe it's better 415 00:20:12,180 --> 00:20:15,560 that our baby you molested is dead. 416 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,610 Ooh, fudge! 417 00:20:23,910 --> 00:20:25,620 "Don't be a grinch. 418 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,720 Please return plate to G. Quagmire." 419 00:20:28,910 --> 00:20:31,890 Oh, great. So it's a gift and an errand. 420 00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:46,260 Oh. 421 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:47,780 Oh, dear. 422 00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:54,790 ♪ I love L.A. ♪ 423 00:20:56,460 --> 00:20:57,990 ♪ We love it! ♪ 424 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,000 All right! New pants!